At work I see plenty of physically attractive women, but I’m not ready to fall in love with any of them.  Physical attraction in only that.  Love is more.  To be physically attracted is to have sized up a potential sex partner, a biological imperative justifying a recreational pursuit.  Where is love?  Of course I want sex, but it isn’t the first thing I want.  It might not even be the second or third, depending on the scope of love.  Is it realistic to want love above all else? to eschew the baser needs in favor of a need that has never been satisfied?  Why not?  Let the baser needs take care of themselves.  What, then, has happened to letting love come to me?  Well, I’d leave well-enough alone if it were well enough left.  But regardless of my inability to bring love to me, my overwhelming need for it crowds out the faith that it is on its way.  So I distract myself with the shapes of women, and I don’t kid myself that it’s anything else.  I know better than to look for love in a vulgar aesthetic.  Though sex, for me, has never been a simple vulgarity or casual one-off, I have never fallen in love with an object of sex, and when I have fallen in love (if I actually ever have), physical attraction was not the reason.  If I have ever fallen in love, it was with Julie, and in all of the time I mooned over her I never considered sex with her (though, eventually, that would have been nice).  If I had not otherwise been attracted to her, there might have been no attraction at all.

So, here we have new expressions for both the inutility of vanity towards the “acquisition” of love and the futility of seeking or even preparing oneself for love.  If physical attraction cannot recognize love–and as a biological (animal) mechanism it must be singularly ignorant of any spiritual imperative–then what role of the least significance can vanity have in the attraction of anything but sex?  If that is all vanity can do, then its role is to distract one from seeking love.  But I don’t want to be distracted–from anytything.  These shapes are all nice to look at and to imagine having fun with, but as much fun as they might be, they aren’t enough.  Feeling that way, I can’t enjoy the game.  Yet there is nothing else but distraction when there’s nothing else I can do.  Nothing else is more important to me than this thing I can’t do anything about.  But as I have neither the patience to not-wait for love or the faith in not-waiting that would facilitate the patience, what’s left but to play the game? to appreciate the shapes?  Perhaps that’s all that keeps obsession at bay.

Overwhelmed by the threat of the ongoing recession?

In Africa, we have a lovely though terrifying expression.

When we up to our armpits in crocodiles, it’s hard to remember that our goal is to get to the other side

What do we do when we are surrounded by crocodiles?  Ignore them ~ they’ll have you for lunch.  Scream – a stress reliever that accomplishes nothing?

Read on!

Threat captures 100% of our attention

The threats of job loss, business failure,  mortgage default etc and boring etc have become very real.  For everyone.  These are the crocodiles.  They grab our attention and we can think of little else.  At best, we hope they will go away.

Well they won’t.  Like crocodiles, they have found us.  We didn’t find them!  They are not going away unless we make them!  And right now they are taking over our entire lives.

Reclaim your attention by labeling threats as threats (not goals)

The trouble with crocodiles, and recession-type threats,  is that they are so scary, we completely forget our goals, and indeed that we ever had any at all.

The mental trick to claiming back our attention and capacity to think straight,  is to label a threat as a threat.  Neutralizing a threat is not my objective.  Fighting crocodiles isn’t the goal (for most of us).  Getting to the other side is our goal.  We need only to neutralize the threat to getting to the other side ~ not neutralize the threat itself.

Go it?  This is how it works.  When we label a threat as an annoying distraction, we focus all our knowledge, knowhow and strength on sorting it out, and sorting it out quickly.  When a crocodile threatens us, we get over our initial panic and we poke  our fingers in the crocodile’s eyes .  The crocodile is neutralized sufficiently and get on our way to the other side!

Pick our battle ground and have the battle it promises

It’s still a battle, of course. We could lose. We will get hurt.  We are still frightened.  So it is heaps smarter not to play in crocodile infested waters in the first place!

If we am going to, and sometimes we have to, sometimes we find ourselves there by mistake, then we’d be very wise to keep a sharp look out for predators and to be ready to paddle into the deep water they don’t like.  The battle goes not to the swift or the strong, but ye who thought ahead and pays attention?

We must also be prepared to have a fight, win quickly, and not worry to much about it when it is over.   There is no point in ranting and raving about crocodiles when they are a part of the very life that we have chosen.

They are there.  Deal with them.  On their own terms, not in terms of some fantasy.

Deal with them as threats to be neutralized sufficiently to be on our way.

On our way!

Which is   .   .   .  which way?  We have been so busy fighting crocodiles that we have forgotten!

Do an elementary SWOT on the back of an envelope!

• T = Threats.  You know those.  That’s all you’ve been thinking about lately.  The crocodiles that threaten to eat us up.
• W= Weaknesses.  You know those. All the little things you’ve been angsting about.  All our worries about crocodiles are bigger than us!  The things that are out of our personal control.
• S=Strengths.  You have a canoe and you know the crocodile hates deep water. You read books and it doesn’t!  What have you got going for you?  List every small thing at our disposal.
• O=Opportunity  Where is the opportunity?  Have you forgotten?  Where is the opportunity in a crocodile infested river?  Look around and spot it.  Get there!  Now!

And poke out the crocodiles eyes.  You are bored with crocodiles now.  They are just at threat.  They are not our purpose.

Don’t forget your goal is to get to other side!

A long recession

This recession is going to go on for a long time.  Live your life anyway.  Get on with it!  Pay the recession as much attention as it needs just as you pay the crocodile as much attention it needs.  Then go on your way!

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• It’s your frontier that fascinates me! (flowingmotion.wordpress.com)

I feel very bitch/babble/rant tonight. Awake, as always. Ok, my spacebar isn’t cooperating. That just pisses me off. Lets start there…

I keep seeing commercials for these $1.95 home phone services. I personally know they’re federally/state/government funded. (No bitching please, I’m not sure which, just covering all bases.) So…we have gov funding for a phone….if I have a heart attack, or fall down some stairs, or get stabbed by an illegal, I HAVE A PHONE, I CAN CALL FOR HELP!!! But I will GO BROKE and BE IN DEBT FOREVER from the medical bills resulting from any of the above happenings. A couple of years ago, I ran out of insulin, had no way to get more, so I had a friend take me to the ER. I was admitted, treated, told I was in really shitty shape. Ketoacidosis. I was pretty far gone, hours, not days, from shutting down. Ok, dying. It’s happened to me a few times, mostly due to total denial about my diabetes and hating it a lot. But, this last time, it was just a case of, I couldn’t get any insulin. Not true, I could have asked someone for money. But, new in town, trying to be independent and take care of myself and my kids….beg for money from people I’ve known maybe a month. Um, no. I know, I know. Fuckin dumb. So, I was in the ER for half a day, they wanted to admit me and keep me overnight at least. But, no one was home with my kids, and I had a job interview the next morning. So I left, against advice, with some insulin. Now I have a bill for almost $6K. Which has gone to a really buff collections agency, with a very intimidating reputation. Well, they can’t garnish wages I don’t have.

So, in summary:

I owe thousands of dollars. Because I’m foolish, but I didn’t want to die. Still don’t. I am making sacrifices elsewhere now, so I can take a bit better care of myself. Buy test strips, check my blood sugars, all that jazz. But I still haven’t had an actual medical exam or any kind of medical care in about 4 years. Do-It-Yourself Diabetes. I’ve been planning on making a sign, for any more Health Care Reform rallies I go to. Just, “Pre-Existing Condition, I can’t wait for reform.” Saw one like that somewhere. I’d like to simplify the wording. It’s a hard thing to express. Like telling people about domestic violence you’ve been through. Even if someone has had a similar experience and empathizes, no one can ever really understand what you’ve been through. I think that goes for many people, many situations, all heartbreaks.

I’m so tired of faking it, acting like it’s ok, I’m on top of it, not worried, don’t need a doctor. I am terrified. Really truly scared to death and blocking it out every minute of every day. I’ll give up my phone, my cellphone, the icemaker in my fridge. Just let me have a doctor I can afford.

St. Ignatius Brianchaninov

The sons of the world consider distraction to be something innocent, but the holy fathers recognize it to be the origin of all evils. The person who has given up to distraction has, concerning all subjects and even the most important ones, a very light most superficial understanding. One who is distracted is usually inconstant. The feelings of his heart usually lack depth and strength; and therefore, they are not solid but transitory. As a butterfly flits from flower to flower so also a distracted person passes from one earthly satisfaction to another, from one vain care to another.

In Greek – Στα Ελληνικά

St. Ignatius Brianchaninov

The sons of the world consider distraction to be something innocent, but the holy fathers recognize it to be the origin of all evils. The person who has given up to distraction has, concerning all subjects and even the most important ones, a very light most superficial understanding. One who is distracted is usually inconstant. The feelings of his heart usually lack depth and strength; and therefore, they are not solid but transitory. As a butterfly flits from flower to flower so also a distracted person passes from one earthly satisfaction to another, from one vain care to another.

A good guy on the web by the name of Vincent Wright asked this question.  I call questions like this “trick questions” because there is no definitive answer.  Here’s my answer:

Optimism is often intentional.  Deciding to see the glass half full is a choice.  Sometimes optimism is accidental.  Even a pure pessimist can surprise him or herself when they seek “help” in difficult or dark times.  Seeking any kind of help indicates hope.  Hope is an optimistic response.  Optimism can be imposed on one by optimistic people who are trying to “help you see the light”.  An imposed view can support feeling better for a while, but it will not last unless the imposed mindset gets turned into the supposed mindset.  Optimism can only be denied by you.  It can never by denied by God.  God denies nothing that is good.  Can you choose to be optimistic?  Your only power in any given moment or situation is your power to choose.

Vincent, I am supposed to be organizing my office and paying bills thanks for this distraction.

Vincent Wright asked this question.

I call questions like this “trick questions” because there is no definitive answer.  Here’s my answer:

Optimism is often intentional.  Deciding to see the glass half full is a choice.  Sometimes optimism is accidental.  Even a pure pessimist can surprise him or herself when they seek “help” in difficult or dark times.  Seeking any kind of help indicates hope.  Hope is an optimistic response.  Optimism can be imposed on one by optimistic people who are trying to “help you see the light”.  An imposed view can support feeling better for a while, but it will not last unless the imposed mindset gets turned into the supposed mindset.  Optimism can only be denied by you.  It can never by denied by God.  God denies nothing that is good.  Can you choose to be optimistic?  Your only power in any given moment or situation is your power to choose.

I am supposed to be organizing my office and paying bills thanks for this distraction.

Moving toward the goal all the time is a result of keeping our eyes on the target.  A glance down causes us to loose our balance.   The distraction shakes our confidence and momentum is lost.  All the people around us seem to be in sync while we’re trying to find the groove again.  Watching them keeps us preoccupied and precious re-grouping energy is better applied on controlling our focus.  Single-mindedness is key to successfully making any goal.  Our greatest contribution is the harnessing of our thoughts.  How do we re-route them when they stray?  Good old-fashioned want to and some reins.  Some people use a mental picture to focus on the target…others use an object to hold or look at.  Key words you say aloud or privately may be a good tool.  Practice, practice, practice…whatever the method that works for you to keep your eyes on the target…do that!!

My teaching style usually emphasises creative projects with children where they are actively engaged in inventing music, and seeking out solutions to musical problems or challenges. However, it needs to be said that this approach (which I believe to be far richer pedagogically, leading to deep musical understanding among children) can be very demanding on the teacher:

• It requires you to think on your feet, constantly ready to respond to the music as it emerges from the children’s efforts;
• My creative projects often span several weeks, if not the whole term, so there can be quite a lot of planning and developing that needs to take place between each lesson;
• When children get over-excited through the freedom of the process (which can happen, and is quite an issue at Pelican PS), then a huge amount of energy needs go into simply containing them and keeping the process on track. It is this last point that I think I find the most debilitating sometimes.

By the time Term 4 started, I knew I was feeling pretty weary. It has been a busy year of projects! The children were too, so I decided to develop a number of ‘directed’ projects for us all, projects that would involve playing and singing, but primarily through learning material, rather than inventing it.

It has proved a good tactic. At the Language School, the Middle Primary class with its very particular group of demanding, narcissistic boys has really benefited from learning specific, pre-existing material. There had been too much hijacking of creative tasks in previous terms, in terms of disruptive behaviour, and tantrums when collaborative processes didn’t go their way, and things felt much calmer this term.

Here’s a rundown of the kinds of things we’ve done:

Lower Primary – Learning the song Ho ho watanay and developing accompaniments (some learned, some invented). Lots of instruments, and detailed structure to memorise.

Middle Primary – Learning the song Ah ya zahn (traditional song in Arabic from Lebanon) with various learned instrumental accompaniments. This song introduced the children to thefull chromatic glockenspiels, and they learned to play the melody, with its wonderfully twisting, middle-eastern mode.

Upper Primary – Learning the song Sakura form Japan (both in Japanese and in the English translation that I wrote some years ago). The UP students also created new melodic material on glockenspiels, using a Japanese mode (take off all the Gs and Ds so that you are left with F-A-B-C-E). I asked them to think of a flower or plant that is special to the country they come from. From these suggestions we developed three spoken phrases, with rhythms implied by the syllables of the words. Then, working in teams, they selected notes from the mode in order to make a melody to this rhythm. Their words included:

Hababa flower, many colours (from Ethiopia, Oromo people)

Some big, some small, pink, purple, white and blue

Yellow sunflower, follows the sun (suggested by an Assyrian boy from Iraq)

Shishke on the Christmas tree, all the year round (from a Russian girl)

At Pelican Primary School, things have been similarly structured:

Preps and Grade Ones have invented their own simple version of the song Driving in my car (originally by the UK pop group Madness). These are very cute songs. We’re trying to add instruments, and on a good day, it all comes together.

Grade ones and Twos are singing The Earth is our mother and have created several melodic phrases inspired by sentences that describe ways to keep the planet healthy.

Grades 3 and 4 have learned to sing Ah Ya Zahn and developed similar accompaniments to those that I’ve taught at the Language School.

However, my Pelican Primary School experiences are making me re-think a lot of the creative work that I do. These children have so much creative energy, but zero internal discipline (as a group) to hold their focus long enough to make something work. In my experience, this kind of constant distraction, or distractedness, is quite common in schools where there are high numbers of refugee-background students. These kids have so much to gain from well-managed, clearly-structured creative processes. However, many of the tactics I have developed at the Language School have been proving too loose for the children at Pelican PS.

I’ve spoken about this with some of the other teachers, and they confirm that this lack of capacity to engage well with creative tasks occurs in other classes too. “Even just having a discussion about something with the class is very difficult in this school,” one teacher admitted. The disciplines of listening to each other, taking turns, not interrupting or shouting another person down, aren’t really present.

In music too, more open tasks make many of the students feel uncertain about what is expected of them, and this uncertainty (coupled perhaps with general insecurities, and the abstract nature of music in the first place) sees them go off-task very quickly, and just make random noise.

I’ve written before (see here) about the way the Pelican students seem to respond to noise in general, and specifically to multiple sources of sound in music. Little by little I am realising that the strategies I’ve been developing for ESL/ELL students in the Language School can’t be transferred here automatically. The students in the Language School have a far greater capacity to focus and remain engaged.  Perhaps the length of general classroom focus is always determined by the shortest attention span – or the shortest attention span among the more dominant class members!

There are lots of children from refugee backgrounds at Pelican Primary School. If we think about survival skills – being able to stand up for yourself, and get what you need for you and your family, making sure your voice is heard over the top of many other voices, making sure you are never at the end of a line, no matter what, being quick to react to any new potential threats around you, and learning to respond to a constantly chaotic environment – then we can see a kind of progression from those survival tactics to the common strategies employed by many students in the school. Lots of shouting over each other, interrupting conversations (often not noticing if said conversation is even taking place!), turning heads to watch whatever is taking place elsewhere in the room, and so on.

I feel very sure that music can offer these children opportunities  and motivation to break some of these patterns, and to experience themselves as learners in a different way. Creative music-making offers the additional benefit of a sense of ownership over the music, a validation and endorsement of one’s own contributions to the process, a deep understanding of the music from the inside out, and a powerful means of self-expression and individual voice. But I do need to figure out some new and powerful ways into creative music that scaffold each of the smallest of steps, and offer tangible experiences of success and delight to the students in as short a period of time as possible, due to those peskily short attention spans. Those experiences of success and delight are the key to their motivation to continue working cooperatively with me and with each other.

A couple of days ago we were in the middle of a heat wave. 43 degrees. So we went snorkelling. I thought this would make great CBT. I had calmed my nerves from the ride down and was ready to visit my sea buddies.

As we got out of the car a plane was flying over the water  then a huge siren. I approached the jetty which I was walking down to get to the reef.  I noticed everyone had left the water and as I was walking down the jetty snorkelers were walking past me saying “at your own risk mate” I got the Idea. as I was getting in the water people were saying there’s a shark around. I never saw it but about 5 minutes of swimming and a cop walked up to the end of the jetty and asked us very politely to leave the water. He could tell we were not going to and left it to us.

I noticed a mass of neverending fish swimming all in the same direction towards the few swimmer. Some people got a bit scared and assumed the mass of fish was because of something larger chasing them. Like I said I never saw the shark and because of my weak circulation I was only able to swim for a short time. When I got out of the water I couldnt feel my hands it lasted till I got home and had a warm shower.

We walked along the beach after wards just enjoying the shallows and making a copy of the 4 metre white pointer out of sand.

My sand shark

I will try and go to the beach again soon.

Peace,

NW

If I were to say that my life was hollow and lonely I’d be only half right–that is, in a proprtion of each adding up to about half. I get home from work, and here I am, on the sofa. I could watch tv or read, listen to music, get on the computer, write–the same things I could do every day. I don’t want to do any of them. I run through the list like channels on the clicker. Nothing engages. I don’t even want to sit here writing this, but it’s the only thing that expresses how I feel. The other things just cover it up. Nothing much means much with no one to share it with. There’s only so much I can share with the kids that they would understand, and why would I tell them I’m lonely? Thirteen is an awkward enough age without feeling that your love isn’t enough to keep your father happy. The girls are nearly the entire portion of my life that is not hollow and lonely–that’s all they need to know. (Funny, by the time they are old enough to understand, perhaps they won’t care.) So I write and pretend I’m talking to someone who’s listening and is neither judging nor pitying me. I won’t talk to myself. I’ve heard it all before, and I’m not sympathetic or forthcoming with good advice. I don’t want a therapist, a professional listener and sympathizer with advice from books that’s been doled out to countless others before me. I want someone to be with.

Since Julie came back to work it seems my opportunities to connect with female patrons has shrivelled up, but the stress of working with Julie has simply hardened my mood and put me off my little game. Tap me with a hammer and listen to the echo. Shake me and you might hear the faint rattling of my marble of a conscience. Or is that Jiminy Cricket’s dessicated carcass? I’ve been judged and pitied at work for falling in love with Julie, so I come home to seek understanding, and all I have is pen and paper. I’d better stop writing or they’ll start pitying me, too. Now, do I watch a movie or have a drink?

Well the good news is the super duper Wolf-friendly cold-killers Doc gave me are working wonders. I’m still a bit stuffed up, but my ears are loads better. I can hear almost normally again.

Ran left a message on my phone saying he’ll be over tonight to ‘talk about things’ (Yay, Woop, Whoho, Great! Just what I was hoping for.)

(Fucking Fuck Fuckity Fuck.)

AND I went back to work today, and it sucked.

Well, sort of. My boss did tell me they’ve decided to re-offer me a contract next year, so that’s good.

Not so good was the 160 emails in my inbox – none of which having reports that I had requested for a meeting deadline today. So I spent a few hours calling, and emailing people to yell at them for not doing what they were supposed to when they were supposed to.

It is hard to be all thumbscrewy, uncompromising, and intimidating to workmates who answer the phone and immediately ask if I had a great time in Raro.

So it looks like I have a ton of reports that will trickle in WAY after the deadline.

I will take refuge in the fact that I had an amazing time away, and they didn’t.

So there.

(Yes I am petty.)

Also now I’m feeling the need for some scuba diving goodness, so  you can take a look at some feel-good photos with me.

Divers descending.. Just remembered to point out that I didn’t take any of these photos, one of the ladies I was buddied with took them, and was kind enough to email them round to us. I love it when you come across genuinely friendly accommodating people!!

Tommy the fish… He waves at you when you wave at him, and he followed us almost the whole dive. He’s like a big blue/black Labrador puppy.

Me giving a big OK! I got it right this time, but I almost always forget not to give thumbs ups when someone pulls out a camera… Thumbs up mean you want to go to the surface, and when you’re 27 meters down that’s kind of a serious undertaking!

Spanish Dancer nudibranch!! I’ve never seen one before, it was awesome, AND dancing! It’s probably a little bad that I wanted to chase it, but I managed to rein in the impulse. I very much like to be in the drivers seat when I’m diving – the wolf doesn’t know the first thing about breathing through a regulator.

Lion Fish (Rawr). I’ve never seen one of these before either, and I saw TWO on this dive, this one, and a HUGE one inside the wreck of an old ship, surrounded by really big black sea urchins .

Doing my 3 minute safety stop at 5 meters… I’m crap at getting my buoyancy right, so while most of the others were able to just kind of hover there and spin around and stuff I decided to stay on the safe side and use the chain.

… There we go. Work is all forgotten. Now I’m wishing my ears were better already so that I can get back in the water and do some more diving (I have NO idea where I’d go here… the weather is kinda notorious for being bad for diving here.)

Now all I have to do is get through Ran’s visit without maiming him/ jumping his bones, and I’ll be able to SLEEP again.

Results – goals, objectives, outcomes, targets and a plethora of other terms are used to specify what we and others want to achieve.

If you have an ambition to increase your income, to start a business, (either full-time or part-time), to manage your finances, to grow and manage your wealth, to increase your understanding and skills in online marketing, then you’ve come to the right place.

This programme helps you think through and structure your goals and objectives, helps you make an emotional connection with these goals (so important in order to stick with them) and then make a plan to achieve them.

Beyond that, we provide you with ongoing support and resources to hold your hand through the journey until you reach the destination.

Each journey starts with a single step. Take your first step and click here to enter your contact details, so we can guide you through the next steps to your success.

Mark.

I’ve been quite distracted this past week. It’s been the culmination of the end of the semester in my art class and a furious attempt to produce another “Rembrandt Parables” podcast.

I’m pleased to announce that the next podcast has been posted on the “Rembrandt Podcasts” page of this blog. I everyone enjoys the story. You may notice a change in podcast format. Someone mentioned they weren’t able to download the first story onto their iPod. I hope this version allows people to download the story.

Enjoy!

Beware of the “cares of this world,” because they are the things that produce a wrong temper of soul. It is extraordinary what an enormous power there is in simple things to distract our attention from God. Refuse to be swamped with the cares of this life.

—

Another thing that distracts us is the lust of vindication. St. Augustine prayed — “O Lord, deliver me from this lust of always vindicating myself.” That temper of mind destroys the soul’s faith in God. “I must explain myself; I must get people to understand.” Our Lord never explained anything; He left mistakes to correct themselves.

+ Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

My head is full of a wide assortment of various ideas, schemes and daydreams these days. Even more than usual, if that’s actually possible. A and I are planning on buying a place in the next year, and so I have been consumed by looking at potential houses or condos, planning out what kind of home exactly we should by, how we’ll afford it, where it will be, etc.

Since we aren’t planning on officially starting to look for several more months, this is a little ridiculous. If I don’t control myself soon, I’m going to go crazy.

I have also, of course, been plotting out ideas for stories, articles, and blog posts. I’ll lie awake after A has fallen asleep and think about how best to work out a character’s motivations, how to get to know her, and what she would do in the story that I have floating on the edges of my mind. Despite that, I haven’t yet actually started writing anything.

A and I are also thinking about collaborating on a children’s book. I would write the story and he would illustrate it. It’s going to be about the ducks at Beacon Hill Park, but I haven’t yet decided on the story, or exactly which age it will be targeted to.

I have also been really toying with the idea of getting my real estate license. This has occurred to me before, but I’ve always pushed it away, thinking that I wasn’t willing to forgo my communications career or writing for real estate.

This time, though, the idea doesn’t seem to want to get put aside quite so easily. I think it is something that I may actually pursue. I have decided that since being a realtor is basically owning your own business, I could set my own schedule and how much time I would commit to it. That way, I wouldn’t necessarily have to give up my other passions. Plus, since the income isn’t set (especially in the beginning), I would still have a bit of money coming in reliably.

I’ve learned that that is something that is big for me. I am a curious, easily distracted person, and despite my best intentions I don’t know if I can really see myself sticking with the same job day in and day out for the rest of my career. I am interested in too many things, and despite being perfectly happy at my current job, and not wanting to leave it at all, I keep finding myself pulled in other directions.

My hope is that I can do it all (isn’t that the goal of every 21st century gal?). I’d like to work part time in communications/public relations, and also work in real estate. Really, I don’t think as industries they are that different. And I will always be a writer in my soul, so no matter what I do for the rest of the day, that will always be a part of my daily life.

In fact, you know how a few minutes ago I said that I hadn’t actually started working on that story that has been rattling around in my head? Consider it old news. I’m going to start now.

Hopefully I can actually get some work done before some other idea hangs its carrot in front of me and lures me away.

Channel 4 has put various old shows on YouTube, though sadly not any classic Treasure Hunt or Crystal Maze, or even 15 To 1. And definitely not Qd. However, if you like ropey reality shows then boy are you in luck! Here’s the current list, largely Endemol shows:

Balls Of Steel
Coach Trip
Distraction
8 Out Of 10 Cats
Fool Around…
The People’s Book Of Records
Scrapheap Challenge
The Search
Shattered
Streetmate
Vanity Lair
When Women Rule The World
Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Your Face Or Mine?

Find them at this link: 4oD on YouTube

I must defeat this demon!  I thought I conquered it early on, but now, when I need the strength to fend off the demon that is DISTRACTIONS I cannot!!!! 

I MUST!!!

Ok,  more minutes on facebook…

i’m sitting here a week before thanksgiving, listening to opera style (andrea bocelli) christmas music…i promised myself that i would hold off this year until after thanksgiving, but i really really needed a distraction today.  its my day off and i don’t want to do anything. but i need to do something, i need to stay busy otherwise i will give in to the temptation to eat.  to go out and spend my hard earned money on food, when i have perfectly good (brita filtered) water at home.  this is a nice distraction, this music.  even if a lot of it has to do with christianity, they are classic/comforting songs.

but this has nothing to do with whats really on my mind.  whats really on my mind is that even though a million life changing things have happened to me over the past decade, that little girl i was is still a big part of who i am…i thought that i would have lost her or at least outgrown her insecurities and obsessions.  but underneath everything shes still a large part of who i am.  she’s still trying to be the thin, beautiful, cool girl that she was ten years ago.  i’m still trying to be that girl.  which is why i sit here today, listening to christmas music and drinking water to distract myself from eating (not that i have food in the fridge).

Remember when anarchists and gangsta rappers would get “FTW” tattoos? I only recently learned that the acronym’s meaning had changed when I took this quiz at Sporcle.com. The sudden uptick in FTW usage over the course of the past year or so had struck me as bizarre, and I’ve been reading it with the first meaning in mind. Other than seeming out of place, it always made sense in a weird way.

According to this, FTW can also mean “forever two wheels.”

“Do the external things that fall upon you distract you? Give yourself time to learn something new and good, and cease to be whirled around. But then you must also avoid being carried about the other way. For those, too, are triflers who have wearied themselves in life by their activity and yet have no object to which to direct every movement and every thought.”

—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book II, #7

That’s the fancy way of saying idle hands are the devil’s playground.