Ed Lover continues to tell it like it is on the seventh installment of C’mon Son. Topics on deck: Tiger, party crashers, Shaq and Rihanna.

C’mon Son

There Cameron goes again, making out that marriage is the be all and end all. His backwards attack on Ed Balls, who rightly claimed that marriage is one of the many forms of relationships in the modern era, highlights the outdated nature of the Tories. Yes, marriage can work. But yes, marriage can fail. We do not need to support marriage with taxes. Privileging an ever eroding nuclear family is a waste of money, and is in the same vein as their inheritance tax: self-interested and pointless. Ed Balls was right to say that marriage is not key to a happy family, as Cameron’s conception of what makes a family is so narrow, so class biased, he fails to acknowledge that single mum with children for example, can be happy. They can feel liberated say if they had been in a violent relationship or their husband had cheated etc etc . Cameron isn’t seriously saying that a small increase in taxes will change this, is he? Small tax increases will not change social relations of power and inequality that often form within ‘traditional’ conceptions of the family that Cameron supports.

To me marriage is just another power ridden institution. It isn’t an ideal. What makes you happy is the person, not the certificate, or extra money in your back pocket – and if it is, then that relationship is materialistically being held together. Some Feminists highlight how legal rights such as marriage that homosexuals aim for are actually self defeatist, as they are just another institution that has a history of inequality, not only in terms of sexuality, however. There is also class inequality, for example, in pre (19th it cost a great deal of money in order to get a ‘licence to procreate’ – aka, married. Furthermore, it was obviously patriarchal and still is to this day, as it was not really possible for women to get a divorce and still to this day women are more likely to keep the male surname.

However, whilst Balls is right to highlight the second citizen nature Cameron gives to every relationship that is not marriage, the Family and Parenting Institute set up by Labour is behind the debate, and its head Dr Katherine Rake claimed today that there would be no such thing as a ‘typical family’ in 20 years. I would disagree. There is no such thing as a ‘typical family’ now! The nuclear family exists in reality, but few and fair between and is now more of a political ideal existent in Cameron’s rhetoric and other deluded Tories such as David Willets who said today that the nuclear family is not disappearing. With so much variation, it would be wrong to argue that the nuclear family constitutes the typical.

This again shows how out of touch the Tories are. To call Balls pathological for stating the obvious is a clear example of why Cameron and the Conservatives are sliding down the poll ratings.

The news world is abuzz about the mysterious circumstances surrounding Tiger Wood’s accident. Some have said that he blacked out due to some undiagnosed medical condition (uh no). The overwhelming opinion is that his wife Elin found out about his alleged mistress and went Jasmine Sullivan on him. For those of you who don’t know who Jasmine Sullivan is, she is the artist of the juvenile song ” Bust Your Windows“.

I don’t know what truly happened, but assuming that the latter is the true scenario, I feel sorry for Tiger.

Let me first say this ” IF YOU ARE MARRIED, IT IS WRONG FOR YOU TO CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE.” So I am not condoning what he did, but I sympathize for him because he found out what many of us have learned a long time ago. You never want to feel a woman’s scorn.

Women by nature are nurturers and most of them would do whatever they can to support the men in their lives. For some this means financially, for others it means being our emotional support system, our biggest cheerleaders. The one thing that women ask of us is that we not take advantage of them and make them look stupid.

If we make our women look stupid, we have hell to pay. Enter Tiger Woods.

Evidently he didn’t have the fathers and uncles or the brothers in the barbershop to educate him on the ways of a woman. I guess maybe he thought because he had a super model she would not go the f*** off. Guess what Tiger… she did. Now you know.

Society teaches us that “a man will be a man” and that as long as he is taking care of home, he should be able to do whatever he wants. The common brother has many panties thrown his way on a daily basis… imagine Tiger Woods. I am not saying this to be callous or disrespectful in any way just stating the facts. He has to learn how to deal with it.

Those of us who have matured, understand that when we have a phenomenal woman, there is nothing but trouble in the streets.

My advice to Tiger is this, you have a family now and many accolades that you have worked hard to achieve. Don’t throw it all away on a piece of ass.

In the immortal words of Johnnie Taylor…”When your girl makes you mad and you get an attitude and pack your bag …it’s cheaper to keep her”

Newlyweds!  Remember hearing your names said together for the first time, ” I present to you, Mr. and Mrs…”   Remember everyone commenting on how great you two looked together, how in love you appeared.

Marriage brings on multiplied responsibilities.  Marriage with kids sees our responsibilities exponentially multiplied.  And the fresh smell of new marriage can grow musty and stale…even rank!

So, what happens?

Well, in too many cases, love is put on autopilot.   Couples feel compelled to maintain a facade of marital health while lacking a real commitment to nurturing the relationship upon which the marriage is founded. 

Many failing couples live largely the way they did before marriage.   Adaptation to a life together is relegated to some changes in financial management and living arrangements.  The presumption seems to be that the important choices relate to child-rearing, career goals, whose furniture stays or goes, where the couple will reside and the like.  Having made these choices, each spouse is left believing there’s nothing left to do but live happily ever after. 

Couples, then,  live from event to event.  The wedding, conception of first child, first big move together, buying first home together…  These are big moments in our marriages.  But what’s missing?

What’s missing is the stuff that long-lasting marriages are made of…a shared vision for a shared future, purposeful and constructive communication, emotional and spiritually maturing together and recognizing how to adapt to the impact of change…together.

An outward appearance of marital accord is NOT always an accurate barometer of the true state of a marriage.  Often, friends and acquaintance of a couple have stated in earnest how great a couple seemed together.  This, as they lamented how surprised they were at said couples announcement of separation or divorce.

Don’t be fooled by the hype.  We must work to have our marriages be as resilient, organic in growth and attractive as they seem.  In Part II, we examine the pitfalls that erode a marriage from the inside while leaving it looking in good standing from the outside…even to a particular spouse within that same marriage.

Maybe it was when my dental hygienist commented on how people at her 10-year high school reunion were (in a whispered tone) divorced. Or, maybe it was when my mother was digging for information about whether one of my old classmates was divorced (My response: I didn’t ask, I don’t care, Does it matter?) Or, maybe it is because my Yahoo news page had this headline, “Movement Underway in California to Ban Divorce,” that I feel compelled to be thankful that there is a way to dissolve a marriage that isn’t working. [Note: I'd like to preface this post with the statement that I am very happy in my marriage so this post isn't a reflection on my current state of affairs, but more my past and how divorce allowed me to be in my happy place now.]

My parents divorced when I wasn’t even 10 years old.  I can remember them screaming at each other; I don’t know what about, but I do know that under separate roofs they were able to be friendly—even if it was just for my sake. When my father was in the hospital before he died, my mom was there visiting him often. He often told me that she was his best friend. Most of my junior high school classmates had divorced parents and their parents’ relationship post-divorce was not as warm and fuzzy as mine. I can’t imagine what life was like when their moms and dads were married.

My own story: I married young and somewhat impulsively for me. My ex is a great guy but the longer we stayed together the more we grew apart. Eventually, my discontent started to affect my health. (You can read all the sordid details of my first marriage’s demise here.) Deciding to get divorce was the hardest decision I ever made. Even when I knew that I couldn’t go on I had a hard time filing the papers. I don’t think anyone takes the decision to end a marriage lightly.

In the above news item, the gentleman spear heading this movement says that the ban is to protect the institution of marriage. Well, as I see it, such a ban will make the institution a prison for some. In my case, I would have probably ended up having a stroke with the amount of migraines I was experiencing. For others, living with an infidel or an abuser will be a painful reality.

No one enters into marriage thinking that they are going to get a divorce, but sometimes it is nice to have an escape clause. I’m glad I did.

For those of you who read my last post and are wondering, “That’s it?  She left her husband because he was reading her email and wouldn’t let her use the mobile phone?”

Well, no.  I found it easier to write about the small things– the little warning signs.  The big, overarching, negative themes of my marriage are a little more difficult to be calm and write about.  I know what they are.  I just have to dust off my English Major skills, be objective… and outline a three-paragraph essay.

Just kidding about the essay.  (Mostly.)  Here goes.

When you’re an Evangelical Christian, there’s not too many reasons to get married young.  Of course there’s the reasons people assume, and snicker about: a) the young couple wanted to have sex but wouldn’t because their Christian beliefs prohibit sex before marriage, and b) they were already having sex, felt guilty about it, and decided to make it legal.  I’m pretty sure everyone assumed one of those were the case when I got married at age 18.  But actually, here were my reasons: a) I liked him, b) I was lonely, c) we had a good time together.

Sure, we made out, and it was fun.  But I was perfectly happy making out, and didn’t have any angst over not being able to Do It.

That’s mainly because I wasn’t sexually attracted to him.

I hadn’t experienced lust yet, in my short life.  I was very sheltered.  I didn’t even know what lust was, really (except sinful).  I didn’t know how to be in a relationship, or even what to look for in a mate.  My parents skipped over that critical parenting step, and I didn’t figure it out on my own through dating or another adult mentor.

All I had was a vague sense of superiority– as an individual, because I got married young and I knew what I was doing (ha), and as a Christian, because we didn’t have sex before marriage and we are still happy.

Of course we were happy.  We were 19 years old, and with him active duty Air Force, the military took care of everything.  But I’m getting off the subject, which is, I wasn’t sexually attracted to him.

With no advance planning, we eloped on a Thursday, and after all that drama (and the commute to Lake Tahoe’s charming selection of 24-hour wedding chapels) (which is a cute story in itself, though I’m not sure how cute it is now that we’re divorced…), I just wanted to go to sleep.  My husband, of course, wanted to have sex.  But since we were at his place, if we were to have sex, it would be on a bunk bed (the top bunk, fyi, with the lower bunk unoccupied).  “Can’t we just wait ’till the weekend?” I asked.

But he couldn’t wait.  He had to talk me into it, too, and I gave up graciously: “Fine, let’s just get it over with.”  It was painful– really painful– and embarrassing.  I had no idea what to do, but apparently, he didn’t need or want me to do anything.  I just lay there and actually cried a little.

The next time we had sex– at my place, on an actual bed– was better.  Sex got to be fun, and it was pretty much mind-blowing at first. But I have never forgotten that first night. He didn’t care what I wanted.  It felt like I didn’t even need to be there.  I said no, and he didn’t take no for an answer.  So the first time I had sex, with my husband, on our wedding night, it was rape.

There’s so much wrong with that that it’s hard to unpack.  Firstly, that I didn’t want him– not a good sign for a married couple, but an issue that I was completely unaware of.  Second, that he didn’t care about my desire to have a nice “first time” or my desire to rest after an emotionally exhausting day– we both had to go to work the next day, and I would have to drive over an hour to get there first thing in the morning!

His pushiness and sense of entitlement to my body regardless of my will, and my lack of desire for him — to say nothing of his blindness to the fact that I didn’t want him– these would be the issues that broke down our marriage.  It killed any love I might have had for him, leaving me only with a sense of duty to be a good wife.  I enjoyed being a good wife, most of the time.  But it killed us in bed.  A sense of sexual obligation combined with a complete lack of desire is the death blow to intimacy, in bed and otherwise.  And he never learned any sensitivity or generosity– why should he?  He only had to break me down with guilt, or just wait until I was tired enough and then keep me from sleeping if I didn’t want to have sex.  I’d eventually get out the bottle of KY and roll over just to shut him up.

After about five years of sex being a chore, as he was starting to get on top of me, I finally said what I was thinking: “I feel like a whore.”  He immediately got up, left the room, left the house, and didn’t come back until the next day.

As you may know, that’s not a good way to solve a problem in a marriage.  Unless maybe you’re in some kind of fundamentalist, polygamous sect.

“At first,” he said to me, in our bedroom, “I felt really bad.  I don’t want to be the cause of you feeling like that.”  I remember feeling a huge sense of relief, that finally we were going to work on this, maybe fix it.  But then he continued.  “But then I decided that it’s not my fault you feel like that.  It’s your fault.  And you have to do something about it.”

“I decided that it’s your fault,” he said.  I remember that very clearly.  And that was it.

Sure, I should have fought it, fought the “decision” that he made for me.  I didn’t just accept it right away; I know I argued.  I don’t remember what was said.  But a couple things prevented me from completely rejecting his decision.  One was the feeling of absolute shock at what he had said.  I was not prepared for such cruelty, and didn’t know what to do about it or his refusal to see my perspective or take even an ounce of blame.  I can’t force him to treat me like an equal human, after all, even if I occasionally had the strength to assert myself as one.  The other thing that prevented me from fighting him was the 25 years of programming from Christianity, telling me that I am not in charge and that my husband gets the final say.  I’ve been two years out of Christianity now, and I still feel an automatic submission to males.  I have to watch myself carefully and fight it really hard, but it’s stuck in my subconscious, on every issue, from pastors to professors, and yes, to the so-called head of the household.  I’m starting to understand why some women may decide to be lesbians or celibate and treat every male they come across like an idiot– that’s certainly the easy way to fight one’s upbringing.  When you add my personality trait to avoid conflict and be accommodating, I was not much of a match for someone like my husband.  Certainly not when we’d been married all of our adult lives and I didn’t know any better.

Over the next few years, we would try a few new things in the bedroom.  I would read erotica to get myself in the mood, but I found I’d rather just do that and masturbate than try to get it on with him.  I got a sex positions guide that was like a deck of cards, but that ended up giving sex a sort of clinical aspect. I didn’t feel anything when we were together.  I mean, my buttons got pushed sometimes, and sex would feel like maybe sex is supposed to– I was starting to figure it out after reading all that erotica– but I can push my own buttons by myself.  I don’t need an inconsiderate, insensitive, bullying, orgasm-obsessed (his orgasm, mostly) partner to get on top of me and get sweaty in order to have good sex.

Then, two years ago, I found that I no longer believed in the Christian god.  I think we both knew that that was the beginning of the end.

I started making some gradual changes, and he started making some, too.  He quit his job to go back to college, and we had some money problems that he wanted to solve by simply asking his sister for money.  He wouldn’t stick to the budget I’d set, and he had some money in a separate account from financial aid which he spent however he wanted, while I paid the mortgage and most of the bills with my salary and his GI Bill income, which was about to expire.  I wanted to stop going to church, but he pressured me, and somehow I found myself going to more church activities than I’d done for a long time.  He tried to get me to hang out with his friends, where he could keep an eye on me and where I felt mostly ignored.  Of course I was trying to make atheist friends, which he fought tooth and nail.  I started drinking so that I could loosen up enough to even lay in the same bed as him.

So this is the time when all the “little things” started happening.  Neither of us were acting like we were on the same team anymore.  He was becoming more and more authoritarian and misogynistic, and I was becoming more independent.  I had a brief struggle with depression, which he blamed on my atheism.  I knew our relationship was over.  I just had to admit it to myself.  Or, as he put it on that day he decided for both of us, I had to do something about it.

So I told my husband that three things have to happen if I am to continue living with him.  I will not go to church and he will not ask me to go to any church event.  I will have separate property that he will not touch (a long-standing disagreement– everything was “ours”).  And I will be the only one to initiate sex; he will not touch me otherwise.  He agreed immediately, then threatened suicide and disappeared.  A couple of his friends called me that evening, worried, because he’d called them and told them I’d left him and that he was suicidal.  He was gone all night and I slept perfectly, by myself.

Let’s just say I knew which one of my ultimatums would be a problem.

I spent the next week unable to sleep, waiting for it.  And  sure enough, I was informed that sex is required.  I don’t remember the exact words.  It was something about how I can’t expect that from him; it’s not really a marriage if we don’t have sex.  And you know, he’s right.  It took a few more days to gather up the rest of my courage and leave him.

Funnily enough, I was trying to explain to my mother the problems in our marriage when she said, “Your father and I haven’t had sex for years.”  But they are still married and live in the same house!  “That wasn’t an option for him,” I told her.  “And anyways, I was so unhappy.”

My mother gave me this advice: “Happiness isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

Well.  How do you respond to that?  By saying, “You should know, mom, you’ve been depressed for years, you’re just jealous that I did something about my unhappiness and you prefer to stay in yours.”  But I didn’t say that.

If that wasn’t bad enough, my husband told my brother that I’d left him and he didn’t know why.  So my brother calls me and asks me, “What happened, you seemed so happy!”  He’d seen us the previous week, at my mom’s Disneyland birthday trip.

“I wasn’t happy,” I told him.  “I’ll tell you more details when I’m ready.  Not now.”

He says: “I just want to know why he’s being kicked out of the family.”  I didn’t give him the necessary response, which was, “Well then, you marry him, see what he’s like in private, and then when you divorce him, I’ll support you.”

I pretty much quit talking to my family for now, and not least because my ex is still in contact with them, and I don’t want him getting any information about me through them.  I’ve called my mom a few times, emailed my dad a bit, visited my good sister when she was in town for Disneyland…  And now my grandma is sick and wants me to move back up there and live with her.  And I hate letting my ex spoil my relationship with my family this way, but if I went up there, I’d be trading in the people who support me and believe in me for the people who should, but don’t.  And I need the support right now.  Trouble is, I don’t know how much my grandma needs me.

Shit, that was long enough.  Felt good to get it out of my system.  Of course now my wrist hurts and I’m hungry 

Wrestler and former Mr. Universe and Mr. America, Miklós “Mickey” Hargitay and actress/sex symbol Jayne Mansfield, carousing on the beach at Santa Monica, circa 1958-59.

Captured by vintage glam, fun, and cheesecake photographer Peter Gowland, likely with the assistance of his adorable wife Alice (they are a beautiful partnership).

The story goes like this, or so it is said. One night, Jayne Mansfield was attending one of Mae West’s famous burlesque shows (she idolized West, the original dirty blonde, and rightly so). She saw Mickey Hargitay in the crowd and when the waiter came to take her order, she said, “I’ll have a steak and that man on the right.” It was a stormy relationship, full of make-ups, break-ups, and affairs which, given how famous the blonde bombshell and the bodybuilder were, could not help but be public. The pair were tabloid fixtures until the jumping cartoon alarm clock of their marriage finally wound itself down and petered out.

Onstage in 1961, via Vintage Vegas on flickr. Mickey and Jayne had a show there at the Arabian Room called “House of Love.”

The couple divorced in Juarez, Mexico in May 1963. The Mexican divorce was initially declared invalid in California, and the two reconciled in October 1963. After the birth of their third child, Mansfield sued for the Juarez divorce to be declared legal and won. The divorce was recognized in the United States on August 26, 1964. She had previously filed for divorce on May 4, 1962, but told reporters, “I’m sure we will make it up.”

Must have made it up indeed, temporarily. Actress Mariska Hargitay (Law & Order: SVU), the youngest of their three children, was born earlier that year.

Via Muscle Growth Lovin’ Femme, unsourced, undated.

Jayne had several failed marriages and dead-end relationships following her final divorce from Mickey. She was killed in a car accident in 1968, along with Sam Brody, her boyfriend and accused child abuser. She was not decapitated; that is pure gruesome urban myth. Three of her children were in the car with her, including Mariska, but they survived with minor injuries.

Ditto credit to above

Mickey Hargitay married Ellen Siano several years after he and Jayne divorced, and remained married to her the rest of his life. She raised Jayne’s children as her own in the wake of their mother’s tragic death. Mickey died of multiple myeloma in 2006.

It has been confirmed that this past Saturday 50 year old actor Tom Arnold finally got hitched to long time girlfriend Ashley Groussman on the quaint little island of Maui.  That’s Hawaii for the geographically challenged.

The ceremony was held in front of 75 close friends and family and Tom’s best man was actor Dax Shepard.   This is Tom’s 4th marriage and one of which was to that crazy Rosanne Barr who has since furrowed somewhere to all of our collective relief.  I mean really, thank God.  Ashley really can’t blame him for waiting for so long to recover from that.

The couple met through a mutual friend and then at Tom’s birthday party, he proposed to her with a wedding ring that was designed by her sister.  He said, “I knew that if I could get Ashley to fall in love with me, I’d never have to worry about anything else as long as I lived,” to which Ashley replied, “I’m the luckiest girl in the world.”

Besides the fact that Ashley Arnold has a much better ring to it.

You'd never know that underneath my smile lurked the face of an evil psychobitch!

A particularly interesting post on NLQ and the subsequent comments on the boards made me realize quite a few things (I love NLQ boards! The ladies there have often been through similar circumstances, but they are mostly older and far wiser than I am!).

I worry about whose fault is whose because for so long, I felt everything was my fault; I even felt like everything was my fault because at the beginning of my marriage, I felt like everything was his fault. And it can’t all be one person’s fault! I took an entire upper level college class on abuse, and came out of the class thinking I was abusive because I blamed my husband for most of our arguments, and for my constant irritation with him. (I did see some warning signs for him, but I didn’t pay much attention for two reasons: 1) like most classes, ours focused on extremes, and 2) I was too busy thinking about what a horrible wife I was!) Our final for the class was oral. During my oral final, I shamefully admitted to my professor that I was on the road to verbal abuse, and that this class had taught me that I needed to correct a few things. He gave me a compassionate look. “You know,” he said, “you’re not verbally abusive.”
“I know,” I replied. “But I can see how I am getting there.”

He looked at me kindly, but didn’t share anymore of his thoughts. I know he did not like Bob.

Another time, I ran to the school’s therapist, and choking back tears, I admitted I had an anger problem. I didn’t know where it came from, I explained, because I hadn’t been like that before marriage. I can’t remember what she said. Nothing helpful, obviously. So I know that somewhere between blaming him for everything, I blamed myself for everything. I blamed myself for getting so angry, but in hindsight, I think, who wouldn’t be? I wasn’t allowed to have any opinion or thought of my own whatsoever unless it was his thought or opinion too (if we differed, we fought: hard).  I was not allowed to have a voice, in or outside the church. I am a very independent person, and I could not handle this. It is also probably why I was able to get out so soon; before it became more horrific abuse. As it was, it was mild enough that I still have problems recognizing it. That comment thread helped a lot though, because I saw exactly how I had blamed myself in the exact same way other women do. Of course, it was still mild, so I still feel guilty for putting myself in the same category of women who have been much more traumatized than I.

Such a nice family! You'd never know that he'd said something incredibly nasty to me eariler that morning!

Someone even talked about how a husband drove his wife to rage to show how calm and rational he was. I don’t think Bob did this directly, except perhaps once when his brother came to visit. We got into a huge fight. Very pregnant and exhausted, on top of commuting 2 hours every day to school and keeping up with Bob at church, they left me all of the housework: dinner, dishes, laundry, and general cleaning. I would ask for help, and he would say later. When later never came, I eventually got mad. He asked me why I didn’t ask for help, then insisted I never did. To this day, he does this incredibly frequently, to the point where I record any conversation that may lead to a future argument (he knows this), and I try to talk to him over the phone/in person as little as possible. Much easier with email. Since I started communicating primarily by email and I can see how the conversation progresses from the first piece of information he gives me to the last, I am shocked at the way he twists things around. Is he trying to make me angry? I have no idea, but it sure works, and it would for anybody. I am not a crazy, psycho ex-wife bitch! I am normal!  He consistently blows things out of proportion and/or claims I never said things I most certainly did, as well as claiming he gave me information he did not. Well, no wonder I had an “anger problem”! Who wouldn’t? I mentioned this to my lawyer when discussing mediation options in the context of some misinformation he had given me about daycare. She told me I could have checked it out myself. I told her I did, and that is why I was there. “No, sooner,” she said. “You could have always verified the information he gave you independently before letting it get to this point.”

I sighed. “Yes. I could have. But it took me an entire afternoon off school and homework to do so. This was a minor piece of information that I had no reason not to trust. [It dealt with pick up and drop off times and some other child care issues.] If I took nothing that he said at face value, I would spend my entire weeks chasing down everything he said. Since we have joint custody, we are supposed to be working together. If I have to spend all my time verifying everything he tells me, I might as well have sole custody! I do verify pieces of information when they don’t sound right or are a bigger deal. But pick up times? Why would I question that? I have to prioritize what I do and don’t check out, because I don’t have time to chase down everything.”

She nodded. “True!” (And, by the way, kudos to me for not backing down! I usually “submit” without even trying. A year ago, even, I would have nodded shamefully and said nothing to defend my reasoning.)

Going back to the not being an angry person before I married Bob (and I haven’t been since, either), I think it gives some validation to my feelings: any normal person would have been angry living in that situation. I am pretty mild mannered. The angriest I ever get now does not even approach the levels of anger I felt then, unless I feel as if I am not being heard. That has definitely become a trigger for me, but even then, I can stay neatly in control of my temper. With Bob, in hindsight, I don’t think I was verbally abusive either. It didn’t matter what I said or how I felt. I could tell Bob fine, he was right, he won the argument, and he would keep going. He would repeat all the ways he was right, why he was right, and anything else he could think of. I could say, “You’re right, let’s just drop it” and he wouldn’t. Pound and pound until I reached my boiling point. Of course we fought. Of course I got angry. The only way he ever listened to me was if I screamed. Niceness, politeness, tears, calmly discussing; nothing worked. Only yelling. So I yelled, and felt horribly guilty for it. But abusive? Um, no.

I don’t think that is inherently his fault, though as an adult he most certainly makes those choices now. His mother screamed at him constantly growing up (according to him, anyways, and meeting her, I definitely believed it). He expected me to be that way, and when I wasn’t, tried to make me. I definitely didn’t have to yell, but I really didn’t know what else to do. I still don’t. At the end of our marriage, I stopped fighting, but I stopped having a voice, an opinion, a personality, or a thought of my own in the process. I ceased to be a person, because I couldn’t even state the time without an argument. I remember staring miserably out the window one day as we drove down the road with him beating into my head that the clock was really two minutes off, not three after he’d asked what time it was, and I’d said, “The clock says 1:31, but it’s three minutes off.” If I didn’t fight back, he would make it up entirely. Steve was constantly surprised the first few months we were together because Bob had so thoroughly made him believe I was a total bitch.

I am so  glad I’m gone. The worst fights I have ever had with Steve have involved me yelling, but nothing even close to verbally abusive. I am glad I no longer have to blame myself for every fight (though I do take my fair share of responsibility when Steve points out my flaws or when I realize them on my own) or second guess everything I’ve said.

What to do about your House when you Divorce Part 1 of 2

 By Michael Hughes   December 1^st, 2009

Usually when divorcing, the home is the single largest asset you own.  One or both of you will be moving out.  These are not merely financial decisions but often intertwined with very real feelings and emotional issues around the marriage, the kids (if there are any), possessions and money. I always suggest if couples have made the final decision to get divorced, get the house ironed out as quickly as possible.

If You’re Staying in the house

You have to ask yourself a lot of questions.  Can I afford the mortgage? It costs a lot, do not underestimate this.What is my budget? Do I really want the house or is this another “I win” because I now own the house?  Will there be any capital gains on this acquisition or sale? Do I know how capital gains tax works? Will I feel comfortable here or does this house harbor so many bad memories that it will interfere with my peaceful living here?  Is the market heading up or down and what does that mean to me, and this asset, in the future when I wish to sell the house?

If You’re Leaving the house

How will this affect my credit score if the former spouse doesn’t pay the mortgage?  Should I set up a divorce lien and quit claim the property?  If your former spouse doesn’t pay, the lender couldn’t care less about your divorce, they just want their money.  If you are still on the mortgage it could impair your ability to receive financing to buy another house. 

What’s it worth?

There are many ways to ascertain what the value is without a huge fight.  Call me if you need help with this in a non combative manner.

If you are selling the house

You absolutely want to get top dollar.  The other side to this is, you want to sell it quickly and minimize the pain and suffering and get disentangled as quickly as possible.  The longer the sale takes the more stress experienced on both sides and the lower the price will be when you do finally sell it. 

Present a United Front to Potential Buyers

When people see a divorcing couple they usually see the word “bargain” flash across their mind.   This can be totally alleviated.  Discretion is the word.  Present a united front for possible buyers and you will usually alleviate the possibility of a lower offer.

I have helped many people in divorce settle their home out quickly and to every ones satisfaction. Call me today, I can help you.

Contact me today if you or anyone you know needs real estate help
e-Mail michael.hughes@sothebysrealty.com  Direct 303-359-6627 Website:www.bolderrealestate.com

My divorce is 15 years old. I’m on my second marriage since my divorce and I’m still not over #1. It’s more the first family ideal. I’m still jealous when the kids see him, and they do. My children are adults!!!!! I’m happily married, but still in mourning. Does anyone else have this problem?????? No one would guess, I’m a professional woman and appear to have it all together. YIKES!!!! I’m just sick of the pain!

Dear Reader:

Thank you for your honesty! This is a tough question because it’s about some deep rooted fantasies we all have. No one dreams of having a stepfamily or a second marriage when they are young. Society and our emotions tell us that we are supposed to want the perfect first family. Man and wife. Children. Until death do us part. The reality, of course, is FAR different than the fantasy. Very often we have a scenario in our minds that we wish could be. For remarried stepmoms like this brave reader, it can be the secret mourning of her first marriage. For stepmoms with no children of their own, it can be the secret mourning of the fact that they fell in love with a man who has kids. What you’re feeling is not unusual. You’re not a freak. You’re not alone. So then what, right? Here are a couple of ideas for you (and everyone reading this!)

Have a holiday plan.
This time of year is particularly hard on our fantasies. The holidays are when we’re supposed to celebrate our beloveds. We gather with our families and create traditions that give our family a sense of identity. These are the times when loving memories are made. It’s a lot harder to create loving memories when you’re schlepping kids all over town from one house to the other. And it can be pretty darn emotional to watch your children walk away from you and into their other parent’s house for the holiday. So have a holiday plan that will help you feel as supported and loved and yes, busy, as possible. Distract yourself. Instead of crying about what was, write a letter to each of your children (or stepchildren) about what they mean to you. Tell them what you’ve learned from them and what you hope your relationships will be.

Acknowledge your feelings and say goodbye.
Find some alone time and write down all the reasons that you wish your first family was back together. Then build a fire in your backyard or in the fireplace and say goodbye to that fantasy. Then make a list of all the reasons you love your current husband and your life together. Make a list of all the gifts your children have been given because they’re in stepfamilies. (Yes, there are gifts, too, m’ladies! As an adult child of divorce, I can attest to this fact.)

Create a behavior modification plan.
In my mid-twenties I lost 100 pounds. Yes, you read that right. When my parents divorced I turned to food, but when I hit my 20s I was able to turn things around for myself. (Read my book for more on that story). Even though most of my readers have not had to lose 100 pounds, I’m betting most of you have been on at least one diet in your lifetime. When you diet, you have to modify your behavior slowly but surely. Every time you want chocolate, you substitute something else to satisfy the craving. So. Every time you have thoughts of longing for your first family, jump on the treadmill and listen to REALLY LOUD music or call up a friend and go to a movie or organize your closet. If you fall off the wagon, don’t beat yourself up, just keep at it and eventually you will change your thought patterns.

Spend lots of time with your current husband.
Plan things to look forward to with your current partner. For instance, plan a trip together that you both are excited about. Volunteer together at a local charity that makes you feel good. Take a class together so you both learn something new. The best antidote for holding on to the past is enjoying your present.

The Brady Bunch

Remarriage is one of the most common challenges facing children whose parents divorce.   Children who have not adjusted to parental dating will have even more intense problems as they try to adjust to their newly blended family.   Remarriage leaves no hope of the parents getting back together, although some children continue to fantasize about everybody living in one home again.

Children may also have to deal with step-brothers and step-sisters, new grandparents, aunts and uncles.   They may find it hard to accept changes in discipline and the authority of the step-parent.   They may be jealous of the time and attention given to the new partner, step-brothers and sisters.   They may feel that they are treated unfairly compared to their new siblings.   A new baby may also spark feelings of anger and insecurity.   Parents may find that being aware of these issues can be useful as they help their children adjust to new situations.

Step-family relationships or “blended families” differ from original family relationships in many ways.   When families are reorganized, children often experience having more than one “mother” or “father.” Most children adapt to this.   Parents who have formed new relationships should make a special effort to spend time alone with their children.   They need to know that they are part of the new life you are building.

The step-parent enters a new family group that already has a shared history, strong bonds and an established way of operating.   Acknowledge that you will never replace their mother or father, and work on developing a unique relationship with the children.   Encourage your step-children to honour and respect both of their parents and not to take sides.   A step-parent can be a special friend to the children.   Try not to compete with, replace or be critical of the other parent.   When step-parents criticize the children’s parent, children feel worse about themselves and less loving toward the step-parent.

In many cases, step-parent and step-children are suddenly thrown together, without the chance to develop a relationship gradually. The clashing of different rules, goals, definitions of behaviour and methods of child rearing can cause many problems, and a satisfying relationship between step-parents and children usually develops slowly.   This is not surprising, since closeness, affection, friendship and trust usually need time to develop.

Step-parents can help children deal with changing roles and circumstances by being patient and giving them lots of time to adapt to their personality and lifestyle.

Whoever said Thanksgiving was a time for family harmony obviously never met the Van Der Woodsen family. I mean, my god, how insanely brilliant was that Thanksgiving feast! It was like the best 7 minutes of Gossip Girl ever. From Vanessa yelling at her uber annoying mom, to Jenny and Erik (“I think your sweet potatoes are bland.” BURN!), to all that extramarital affair business down at the other end of the table, I was jumping off my futon! And to have Jason Derulo playing in the background as it all went down?

I almost died.

And the episode just kept getting better and better.  The only sore spot was that awful puppy-dog look Dan kept giving Vanessa.  Mr. Humphrey, a quick word of advice: do not get involved with that one again. Not only will you risk that awesome friendship, but you will have girls around the country shielding their eyes and yelling “Stop!” whenever you and Vanessa kiss onscreen.

I know – she’s gotten a lot cuter and her fashion choices have definitely improved this season, but I’m still not lovin’ her. It’s bad enough she gets to roll around naked with Chuck Bass in real life; don’t make me steal my other TV boyfriend in Gossip Girl life.

But enough about those two; the real drama award of the day goes, once again, to Serena Van Der Woodsen.  WTF is up with this girl? She’s making it incredibly difficult for me to like her anymore. (I’m pretty sure her wardrobe is the only reason I’m holding on.) It’s like she’s trying to make the worst decisions of all time. OK, I get it. Tripp is sexy, but hooking up with a married man is something I’ve been frowning on lately (especially since I started studying Clinton and Lewinsky in my journalism class). And does she have any idea how ridiculous it would look if some Congressman left his wife and his career for an 18-year-old girl who never went to college?! Although, seeing as she’s still sporting those awful press-on nails, it doesn’t seem like Serena understands ridiculous anymore.

If only Lily had known what she was inviting into her home when she invited Maureen’s woman’s intuition over for Thanksgiving.  That is one crazy wife…she’ll do anything to keep her man.  And that means running away with him, blackmailing with make-out elevator videos, and maybe hitting Serena in a car?  But we’ll find that out next week.

Maybe Serena should just stick to college boys… you know, like poor Nate Archibald.  Instead she’s treating Nate like nothing almost happened last week, hooking up with his cousin (in a freaking elevator) and running away with him instead. Maybe Nate should have told her his feelings without his shirt on…

Oh sorry; got carried away there for a moment. Anyways, this episode left me with a lot of burning questions and they all better be answered fast:

Where was Lily when she was supposed to be engaging in some mother-daughter bonding?
What does Erik have up his sleeve to ruin Queen Bee Jenny?
What on earth is in that damn letter from Doctor Van Der Woodsen?
And how on earth could Lily Van Der Woodsen-Bass-Humphrey (whatever her name is…) be wearing the same jacket at Tripp’s wife? This is the UES, after all.

We better get some answers soon.  Otherwise, there will be some serious Christmas drama on the horizon.

You know you love them.
XOXO.
GGR (Gossip Girl Recapper)

PS. DOROTA IS PREGNANT!  HOW CUTE IS THAT!!!!

Who: EVERYONE’s invited – bring friends and family (they can shop online too)

What: Boutique Open House including Pampered Chef, Private Quarters, Cookie Lee Jewelry and a scrapbooking vendor. Lots of specials and deals to help you get ready for the holiday!

When: Saturday, December 5, 2009
10am until 2pm

Where: 4901 E Hearn Road
Scottsdale, AZ  85254

Why: To offer great deals to you and your friends and help you get some of that holiday shopping out of the way in a quick, easy, relaxing atmosphere. And we’ll have lots of refreshments available. Want to book a party? – Let the ladies know – the hostess specials are always fantastic!!

Come out and have some fun before the holiday shopping gets the best of you!

RSVP: email Jenifer@KellyDepp.com to let her know how many are coming so she has enough food for everyone.

Hope to see you there!

Divorces are rising in the military.  The divorce rate in the armed forces rose again in the past year, the Pentagon said, and is now a full percentage point higher than around the time of the attacks of 9/11/2001.  As in previous  years, women in uniform had much higher divorce rates than their male counterparts.