by – “Tiger” Oliver

Proof that the “internet haet machine” can still deliver.  On an unknown date (I tried looking for the date for three hours with no success), Tom Green was prank called by Peppy from Star Fox asking a very simple request: Do A Barrel Roll! LULZ ensues:

Eu me lembro de quando era pequeno e ganhei o Star Fox de Super Nintendo da minha vó, no meu aniversário. Nunca um jogo de naves me impressionou tanto, com fazes incríveis, chefes desafiadores e…  Slippy, o sapo que sempre se mete em apuros e você tem que salvar, com certeza o personagem mais chato da história dos games.

Já tinha ouvido rumores há muito tempo de que uma continuação de Star Fox seria lançada para o Super Nintendo, mas que foi cancelada. Acontece que o jogo estava finalizado em japonês, mas por causa do lançamento eminente do Nintendo 64, o jogo foi cancelado. Mas graças à internet, uma ROM do jogo vazou. Baixei esse jogo hoje, com um patch que corrige alguns bugs e traduz a ROM pro inglês, e a única coisa que me vem à cabeça é: “Nintendo, eu te odeio por não ter lançado esse jogo”.

A história do jogo é simples, mas funciona: O macaco do mal Andross retorna e lança uma ofensiva contra o sistema Lylat. Cabe ao time Star Fox acabar com o vilão novamente e blábláblá. A grande diferença deste jogo está em sua jogabilidade: ao invés de passar por diversas fases, há um mapa geral do sistema Lylat, com Cornelia, o planeta que você tem que proteger, em um canto, e a base de Andross no outro (para quem já jogou o Star Fox de DS, é extremamente similar).

Você escolhe dois pilotos de seis; além dos já conhecidos Fox, Falco, Slippy(Grrr) e Peppy, há uma puddle chamada Fay e uma tigresa chamada Miyu. Cada nave tem atributos diferentes, como vida, velocidade e tiro especial, mas convenhamos; você vai escolher Fox e Falco, eles são os personagens mais fodas.

Sapo maldito!

A sua missão é libertar os planetas controlados por Andross e impedir que Cornelia seja destruída. Para isso, você precisa movimentar suas naves pelo mapa na direção dos inimigos e planetas capturados. Quando você se aproxima de algum desses elementos, seu personagem é transportado para uma tela de batalha, onde é necessário destruir uma quantidade X de inimigos ou ativar alavancas para entrar numa base e derrotar um chefe.

O aspecto mais interessante de Star Fox 2 é que tudo acontece em tempo real. Enquanto você estátentando libertar um planeta, unidades inimigas vão se dirigindo para Cornelia. Se você demorar muito, Os inimigos vão chegar em Cornelia e causar dano no planeta, fazendo com que você perca. Isso dá um aspecto de urgência ao jogo, pois você tem que derrotar seus inimigos o mais rápido possível. Outra coisa interessante é a presença do Wolf Team: comece a derrotar muitos inimigos e os membros do Star Wolf aparecem para duelos 1×1. Simplesmente incrível.

O único problema de Star Fox 2 é que ele se resume a apenas este mapa; quando você liberar tudo e derrotar as forças inimigas, é acabar com Andross e parabéns, você salvou a galáxia. Para contrapor isso, no entanto, existem três dificuldades diferentes: Nomal, Hard e Expert. No normal eu terminei o jogo em menos de uma hora, pois o número de inimigos é pequeno. Mas no Expert o jogo é muito mais longo: a cada inimigo que você derrota, outra coisa vem pra te atacar, há mais planetas para serem liberados, os inimigos são bem mais fortes e quando você menos espera, bang, Cornelia já era (sim, aconteceu comigo e eu não terminei o jogo nessa dificuldade ainda).

Mapa do jogo

Star Fox 2 é um jogo muito divertido, que com certeza vai agradar os fãs da série  e também os aficcionados por jogos de nave. Enquanto uma versão de  Star Fox para Wii não sai (e talvez não saia), divirta-se com esse jogo que infelizmente não viu a luz do dia oficialmente.

Link para download de Star Fox 2

Link para Patch do jogo

So here  i am, listening to music, chatting with some people, and then opening my web browser… My homepage is Google, so i immediatly see google has a “customized” name again. As always, i’m curious what the hell they have found now to celebrate/put on their search engine page, so i click it, automatically searching for “tetris”. The 25th anniversary of tetris! Don’t you think that google is quite lonely to celebrate an anniversary of a video game? i mean, a cool super-old painter or something, ok, but a video game… (not that i don’t like video games ). Anyway, back to subject Tetris, why was/is Tetris so popular that even google celebrates their anniversary? i mean, i don’t think we’ll ever see google “celebrate” the 25th anniversary of call of duty… What did people like about tetris? Was it the simplicity? The colors? The simple fact that it was a computer game? Was everybody like “OMG A COMPUTER GAME COOL COOL W00T COOL L33T”? ‘cuz if that’s the case, we’ve proven we’ve made progress. We’ve evolved! (well, idk about that but whatever lol). Anyway, i have to go to bed now, but TETRIS IS NOT DEAD YET! (lol)

I greet you, holy turtle fanz!
ShadeTornado

Yellllooooo
Time to write the most random post I’ve ever wrote…
But where to start…
So little to write, so much enthusiasm to write it…
Wait, scratch that. Reverse it.
Anyways, lets start with…
SCREAMING!!!!!

That’s right-IT’S ME BILLY MAYS!!

If you don’t know who this magnificent chump is, I pity you.
If you’ve ever watched any commercials on a crappy TV channel, you know him. He screams at you and sells cruddy products. He’s awesome.
So awesome, Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick him. Before Chuck Norris could even get his foot off the ground, he was on his first easy payment of 24.99.
Anyways, time for me to show you some of his worst best commercials.
Let’s start with Might Putty. If Chuck Norris had actually succeeded in kicking B.M.(lolololololol look at Billy Mays’ initials-how mature of me for pointing this out), B.M would have sealed his wounds with Mighty Putty. Luckily, Chuck Norris failed, because people say mighty putty doesn’t work (Of course, I don’t own it )

Next up..hmm…let’s do Awesome Auger.
Awesome Auger wins the award for best possible malfunction. First time I watched the commercial, I got a picture in my head of it digging about 3 cm deep, while spaying dirt in the Awesome Augerer’s (lolololololol making up words) face. But wait-that;s not all-then, it malfunctions and brakes. Forever.

Last-but definitely not least-is the Big City Slider Station. TOP WITH PICKLES, ONIONS LETTUCE OR CHEESE, BIG CITY SLIDERS ARE SURE TO PLEASE!!! Seriously, this guy is awesome. But wait-try his Billy Burger in the included instruction booklet. It looks like someone crapped on a bun, then covered it with every topping ever used, making it incredibly lopsided.

Just remember-act now, and…..Just kidding. Only Billy Mays has the power to compel you to act now.
-
Now…..let’s move on. to…. hmmm….
That’s it, I’ll ask my N64!!! What do you think, little N64??
Huh. It’s not talking. Maybe if I shove this Star Fox 64 cartridge into it, it’ll talk.
Hmm… still nothing. Fine! You leave me no choice but to flip this power switch!
STILL NO TALKING! Fine, I’ll start level 1….
Oh, whoops, it’s on mute, here, I’ll just turn it up, and..
IT TALKED!!!!
It’s sacred words of wisdom told me to…
“Do a barrel roll!”!!!!
That’s it!! I know what to talk about next!!
10 TO THE 21st POWER!!!
Naw, that zetta sucks.
I’ll ask my N64 for a clearer answer.
Again!?!? Oh crap, Slippy is about to talk MUTE!!! MUTE!!!
So I’ll just talk about….BARREL ROLLS!
And to think my N64 couldn’t think of that.. I had to!
Anyways, this picture here is lying:

It’s obviously a very clever, very good edit of this picture, which is telling the truth:

Barrel Roll=Awesome. Just ask Peppy Hare:
Just Ask Peppy!
Yup.
-
So anyways, I’ll end this post of epic randomness with a picture of a jumping chicken.

Well, that’s all.
Wait, I need to do a shout-out.
Marc and Israel, if you’re reading this, do a barrel roll, you zetta sons of digits!!
~Guineapig119

Here’s some info on this crazy product:

Adam Gadahn might be pizza toppings…
Our good friend and the O.C.’s premiere child molestor, Adam Gadahn, otherwise known as “Osama al Quarter Pounder”, might be dead! I guess we’ll have to wait until tomorrow to find out, in that he typically sends America a video on 9-11 of himself shaving his taint hair while singing praises to allah. Sources say he may have been blasted into bite sized pieces by the recent Predator UAV strike on the Pakistani-Afgan border. Gadahn will be mainly remembered as a JEW. In that his grandparents, and parents were JEWISH. I know that must be hard on a self proclaimed Jihadist Muslim, so let me repeat it again, “YOU ARE JEWISH, YOU FAT CUNT”. I know, you had a falling out with your dad when he found out you jerk your crotch nipple to homo erotic Lord of the Rings fan fiction, and this is your way of getting back, but come on. Islam? Really?

The latin-loser returns!
Hugo Chavez is a diva, a fat fucking diva, and won’t let his good friend Barack Obama steal the spotlight for too long. No, he must captivate American audiences once again, so he finally convinced Russia to hold joint military exercises with his crap-can military. No doubt he had to suckle and stroke Vladimir Putin’s manly Russian nipples for weeks before such was agreed to, but now it is done, and we here in America are shitting ourselves in fear. *Yawn*

World ends on wednesday. Maybe?
Crazy scientists have built the worlds largest atom smashing device. Supposedly they’ll find something amazing to put into their computers. Some worry that this will open up a black hole and suck us in like Keith Olbermann sucks in vagrant cocks. Others think it will open a door to a hell dimension. Either way, it would be better than living through a Barack Obama presidency.

If this is my last day on earth, and this is to be my final post, I would like my final words to be: Nigger…gravitas…penis…and… pussy doodles.

Although I’m sure that anybody who would care to read this has probably already read enough about this thing, possibly back when it actually came out, but if Yahtzee can go ahead and review games that came out years ago, then I see no reason why I can’t do something that came out a month ago. That being said, I’m not actually reviewing it, just throwing out a few initial thoughts from a few hours into the game.

First of all, the key focus in Brawl is the overhauled Adventure mode, now called Subspace Emissary. The Adventure Mode was my least favorite part of Melee and, halfway through this version’s incredibly elongated version, I doubt that I’ll change my mind. As fun as the Smash Bros. gameplay engine is, it translates pretty roughly into a side-scrolling platforming game. To give a common example of the sort of stuff holding it back, the screen will randomly start force scrolling without warning, meaning that you could have decided to fight an otherwise easily avoided enemy, only to die as you can’t see and get stuck behind it and the screen keeps going, and you die. Or you decided to pick up a hammer, like you would in normal gameplay (because those things are still awesome), only to find that you suddenly get thrust into a furious platforming section, which tend to be cheap even when you don’t accidentally screw yourself over. The trophies are still nice, but the trophy base item as a method of collecting trophies is a complete joke, as it doesn’t even work on the majority of the more difficult enemies, and since throwing the base replaces the basic fight button, unless you can whittle down a specific enemy’s health with your special attacks (again, a joke, since the game throws roughly six enemies at you at once), isn’t going to happen. Also, since you can’t carry items between doors, you lose most of the items you encounter anyway, which you usually pick up as you defeat all the enemies, which pretty much nullifies any use they have. I will say though that I was initially skeptical about how the game lets you unlock the majority of the characters through the Subspace Emissary because it could take the challenge out of Melee’s more random requirements and that it’d be the “easy” way to get everything, it really isn’t, because a surprising amount of effort went into Subspace Emissary. As flawed as it may be, the mode itself isn’t a joke; roughly seven hours in, I’m barely halfway done. And I like the faux-RPG elements it adds with the stickers, even if their effects are barely noticeable.

So in an attempt to show that I actually do like this game and do have positive criticism (I’m not done with negative though), one of the best parts of the game is its great new characters. King Dedede is surprisingly fun to play as, despite the predictably useless “big characters = slow but powerful attacks”. As hard as Olimar is to use, he puts an entirely new spin on how to play the game, although I’m not sure just how useful he’d be in serious competition, unless you’re way too obsessive. Pokemon Trainer, while still a gimmicky one-upping of Zelda/Sheik, is actually really good (although Ivysaur isn’t terribly mobile), and Diddy Kong (best mid-air juggler ever!) and Lucario (okay, fine, he’s a lot better than Mewtwo) are two of my favorite characters. And even though there should be far more of them, the third-party characters that are here (Snake and Sonic) are great; possibly a tad overpowered, but weird enough that you need plenty of skill using them before this actually becomes an issue. Even though he’s a Ness clone, Lucas is different enough to keep things interesting (as it’s also interesting to see how Nintendo loves to tease us with Mother 3…). Meta Knight and Pit are okay, but if you thought Pikachu spammers were annoying, then you haven’t seen anything yet. I like Ike (haha, I’m funny!), even if I keep forgetting and trying to play him like Roy (who shouldn’t have been removed). Thinking about it, my two most pointless new characters are probably Wolf (I don’t care if they’re all slightly different, why are there three Fox clones, and why do they all have sodding landmasters?!) and Zero Suit Samus (basically Samus is Zelda/Sheik now, except instead of pressing B-down, you have to wait for and fight over a painfully hard to acquire item… she’d be a much better character if you could actually chose to play as her, as opposed to waiting to be thrust into the situation. We can’t have both Samus’s on the menu, but three Foxes?)

And as great as it is to play Super Smash Bros. online, the online mode is completely shafted as Nintendo again completely fails to understand how the internet works. Here’s the explanation off the game’s website:

“Your opponent will not know your name or any information about you”

Hooray! Now I can play online without the unimaginable horror of the world knowing I’m SoccerFan42!

“neither of you can send short messages.”

I’m pretty sure voice chat is leading to declining sales of XBox 360s anyway

“There will also be no battle records kept for this mode, so whether you win or lose, it doesn’t matter.”

Oh, this mode doesn’t matter? Nice to know you’re on top of things.

So basically, Nintendo’s added in a feature that’s identical to Vs. Mode, except with Pikachu spamming and occasional laginess, and the game takes forever to start, too.

Also, the stage editor is great. For every good stage you make, you get ten horrendously illegitimate eyesores unfit to stand on, let alone fight on, but they’re your horrendously illegitimate eyesores unfit to stand on! Make a stage with nothing but moving platforms or with ladders in a horribly useless position underneath the stage; the AI has no idea what to do!

So to make an attempt to wrap up my rant, I haven’t finished the game yet (which I doubt will happen anytime soon… this game is huge! (good thing! yay!)), but compared to the two previous games in the series, I’m underwhelmed. It’s still good fun and probably the best multi-player experience you’ll get on the Wii, but I’m skeptical as to how great that is, given how the main idea behind the Wii is its unique controller, which this game doesn’t use (legitimately, anyway).

P.S. Why did the home run bat get nerfed? How high could that have been on anyone’s priority list?

Well, well… What do we have here? A surprise episode? Or just some raw material left on the cutting room floor? Eitherway, this newly deemed “chibicast” is here. We talk about some anime-esque games that we personally enjoy. One again, the audio is on the shoddy side. We’ll try to give you a better sounding show next week. DO A BARREL ROLL.

Stream It!:

Download It!: A.E.G. – Episode 4.5: The VG Chibicast