I had an interesting little Q&A with a doctor the other day that left me a tad perplexed politically. I had chosen my questions very carefully before the doctor even came into my room. I was sick, I had a killer headache that went away for 20 minutes at a time every few hours. So, I was a little slow on the uptake. But while sitting in my room trying very hard to not see lights of any sort, it occurred to me that this was a huge, “What’s wrong with this picture?” moment.

Now, doctors may be doctors and kudos to them for that. But being a doctor, especially Doogie Howser, does NOT grant you certain skills that say, a 51 year old smart ass chick who was raised by an attorney and then grew up to raise her OWN attorney might have accrued in her lifetime…most likely before Doogie was toilet trained. So, I readied myself with a list-O-questions designed to evoke confirmation of my suspicions.

The back and forth went something like this, the docs’ words may not be verbatim but mine are. Remember, I practiced them. But the sentiment is the same nevertheless:

ME: So, I have an aneurysm?

DOOGIE: Yes, you do.

ME: Could something like this kill or permanently disable me?

DOOGIE: That is a possibility, yes.

ME: And the angiogram showed that the aneurysm was coil-able? (Meaning it could be fixed.)

DOOGIE: Yes.

ME: If a person with insurance had the exact same condition, would he be discharged without the surgery?

DOOGIE: Well…

ME: That’s OK, I’m just asking for the truth, I can handle it.

DOOGIE: Well, yes…a patient with insurance coverage would stay here to have the surgery, unfortunately…

ME: I’m aware of my unfortunate position, thank you for your candor. My head hurts, increase the Dilaudid please.

Now, what confounds me is the fact that I have never supported the FEDERAL government usurping the role of the health care business in this country. The States perhaps, if they so choose. But not the Feds.

But, as I sit here with my sunglasses on and my headache REALLY on, suddenly I just want that sucker fixed, I don’t care who pays for it.

Remember what Morgan Freeman said in Shawshank Redemption? I have another quandary here, don’t I?

To paraphrase Patrick Henry:

GIVE ME HEALTH CARE OR GIVE ME DRUGS!

from http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/bus/stories/112909dnbusbaylor.3d5ccc5.html

In an accountable-care organization, doctors and hospitals share a financial incentive to control costs and improve quality by coordinating care for a defined patient group.

Today, most medical care in Dallas and across the nation is delivered piecemeal. Doctors are paid for each patient visit. Hospitals are paid for each procedure. This “fee-for-service” model rewards caregivers for how much they do rather than how well they do it.

Health economists say it does too little to ensure that the people treating a patient know what’s been done by other caregivers. Too often, the result is duplication, waste and mistakes that are both expensive and dangerous to a patient’s health.

But what sounds like a commonsense approach is full of complications. Accountable care relies on a single, bundled payment that’s spread across all caregivers dealing with a patient. In its model, Baylor, with a powerful hold on much of the North Texas hospital industry, will decide how patients should be treated and how the payment pie is sliced. Doctors, hospitals and insurers in North Texas have a hard time trusting each other. And medical professionals don’t like being told how to do their jobs.

Patients may not like it either. The last overhaul of patient care and payments on this scale took place in the 1990s, when HMOs, or health maintenance organizations, were introduced on a wide scale. Patients rebelled against insurers getting between them and their doctors on decisions about care, and they may not see much difference if it’s a hospital rather than an insurance company making the calls under accountable-care.

In 2000, 3 million Texans were enrolled in HMOs. Last year, it was 852,000.

In that decade, however, Dallas changed from an average spender for health care to one of the biggest spenders in America on a per-patient basis.

Congressional Democrats have struggled for months to write legislation that will extend coverage to more Americans, including many in Dallas who lack health insurance. Insurance might persuade some of those people to seek preventive treatments they now skip because of cost. The legislation also encourages communities to try models such as accountable-care organizations, under the theory that doing so will lead to better care at lower cost.

“I don’t think we can really afford to wait for what might happen with national health care legislation,” said health economist Mark McClellan, keynote speaker for Monday’s summit.

“It’s very clear we need to move to more preventive care, and more coordinated care. While legislation can help address that, there are certainly a lot of steps that can be taken in the meanwhile, ahead of health care reform.”

Wooing employers

Roberts said Baylor will not wait for Congress to pass a health care overhaul bill. Instead, he has been going directly to large North Texas employers with a pitch that Baylor can improve quality while lowering costs with an accountable-care model.

“I might go to a Texas Instruments and say, ‘I know you’ve been struggling with your health care costs. Can we help you bend the cost curve?’ ” Roberts said.

Early next year, Baylor will meet with the Texas Employees Retirement System and Blue Cross Blue Shield of Texas to see if it can help slow the growth of the system’s health care costs.

Those costs for the 528,000 participants are projected to be $2.1 billion by year’s end, according to the system’s records.

“We will be looking at a number of innovations in plan design and reimbursement structure, including patient-centered medical homes, clinical integration and an accountable-care organization structure,” Roberts said.

In Baylor’s accountable-care plan, Baylor would be held responsible for organizing its hospitals and physicians to lower costs. In a contract, the employer would have to agree to a number of terms, possibly changing health insurance plans, which could set up fights between Baylor and health insurers. The contract might also require the employer to hire an outside wellness program developer to get workers in shape, Roberts said.

What’s less clear, and more controversial, is whether employers would instruct workers to visit only Baylor doctors and hospitals.

Roberts said he’s unsure what employers will do. If employees are given the freedom to choose their doctors and decide not to participate in Baylor’s accountable-care system, then Baylor has limited power in controlling costs.

If workers are limited to Baylor services, the hospital system secures a steady revenue stream and leverage over regional hospital competitors.

One difficulty facing health providers that are considering accountable-care models is how to sell the idea to patients without their feeling it’s just another cost-control measure.

“The challenge with evidence-based treatment is that sometimes we don’t like what the evidence shows,” said Eduardo Sanchez, chief medical officer of Blue Cross Blue Shield of Texas. Sanchez pointed to the uproar over a federal advisory panel’s recommendations that women younger than 50 don’t need routine annual mammograms screening for breast cancer. The panel warned that early testing causes many more false diagnoses and needless procedures than life-saving cancer detections.

“Does preventive medicine have to save money to be worthwhile?” Sanchez asked. “The response has been that, clearly, it shouldn’t be driven by the idea of saving money.”

I have a grand son of just 70 days.My daughter, who reads a bit of medical books and browses internet expects miraculous disciplined behavior from him.She expects him to feed at fixed time play himself and sleep, wake up and start the process all over.She would like him to drink her milk to the full, not a little less.If he does not pass motion for more than six hours;if he cries; she immediately consults a paediatrician on phone or cosults friends of her age group and immediately starts giving him medicines not withstanding my protests.
Children unto the age of six act instinctively;they do not deliberate;if they are hungry they eat,feel sleepy, they sleep.They have, fortunately, not become slaves to time and habits as yet.
best is to leave child be.Let it grow naturally.Let Nature and the body run according to its rhythm.Now read on.here children are given drugs for behavioral disorder. What behavior?They do not know what it is.Do not give fancy names and drug the child.
Story:
CHILDREN diagnosed with ADHD could be weaned off medication as new Government guidelines warn doctors not to use drugs for first option treatment.

The Federal Government draft guidelines released yesterday will substantially change the way doctors treat Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, especially in preschool-aged children.

One of the biggest medical turn-abouts is the change from guidelines in 1997, which recommended medication was a suitable treatment for children diagnosed with the behavioural and learning problem.

Now it is advised: ”Medication should not be used as first-line treatment for ADHD in preschool-aged children.

”For children under six years of age, a stage when child development is rapid, it is essential to distinguish ADHD symptoms from normal developmental variation in impulsivity and attention.”

Doctors have been warned to weigh-up the benefits of drugs, which are recommended for some patients and risk factors, such as ”growth impacts”.

More than 350,000 children and adolescents have ADHD and in the past financial year taxpayers have forked out more than $21 million on drugs, including medication for the growing number of adults who have the illness.

Health Minister Nicola Roxon, who is trying to rein in an explosion of medical costs, has been frustrated at the lack of clear evidence on how to treat the condition.

”I am pleased that we can finally provide this more up-to-date information on ways to identify and care for those in our community who may be suffering from ADHD,” she said.

But in a twist that could change the guidelines again soon, a US researcher referenced in the updated Australian guidelines is at the centre of a US conflict of interest inquiry after it was alleged he had failed to declare his full relationship with a drug company.

The National Health and Medical Research Council with Royal Australasian College of Physicians (RACP) updated the guidelines. The document is almost 300 pages.

RACP guidelines working group chairman David Forbes said there had been ‘’substantial” changes in advice in prescribing medication and expected some children may be taken off drugs.

”Not all kids should get medication,” Professor Forbes said.

There had not been enough research about whether children’s behaviour could be controlled through exercise and diet, he said.

Restricting some foods for some children may work if done in consultation with nutritionists, he added.
http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,26422996-952,00.html

I DO NOT HAVE CANCER/LYMPHOMA!!!

My Otolaryngologist called me late this afternoon with the WONDERFUL news!! He is not sure what these masses in my neck are. They are running more tests. But he’s sure they are not harmful and they are not cancer!!! I’ve been crying/doing the happy no cancer song and dance ever since I found out. I’ve been so scared and stressed and worried. The doctor himself even said he was pretty sure the diagnosis would be Lymphoma from my symptoms….BUT NOPE ;c)

My heart will FOREVER go out to anyone in this situation in the biggest way. Whether they are waiting for test results or going through treatments. Those people are so brave and deserve the biggest and best kind of love out there!! THANK YOU TO THE FEW THAT LOVED AND CARED FOR ME SO MUCH WHILE I WAS GOING THROUGH THIS SCARY SITUATION!!

However, I did screw up once by ruining my joy…and that was to call the “father” Michael J. Sawczuk and let him know his daughter didn’t have cancer and how much it broke my heart that he never even cared one bit while I was going through a literal hell with fears and unbelievable sadness the last few weeks. I told him (well, his answering machine) that he’s dead to me!!! And maybe that FINAL kind of last abandonment will be good for me. Cause in my mind now, that casket is already in the fucking ground. All that’s left is an answering machine with his voice on it that has yet to be deleted…

P.S. I DON’T HAVE CANCER!!! :::sigh, big breaths:::

I wish I could click my heels three times and be transported back to a time when healthcare was not a business and patients were more than a commodity. I am NOT a healthcare provider. I’m a physician who was taught to heal.

I wish pregnant moms had time to bond with their babies before being booted out of a hospital. And I didn’t have to threaten billing clerks for not admitting my patients for emergency tests because they didn’t have the “right” insurance.

I wish the ob hospitalists hadn’t sent a patient home inappropriately with low fluid and no further follow-up. The patient thought everything was “okay”, traveled to another state on vacation and had to be tracked down. She was advised to go the nearest hospital where she had an emergency c/section that saved her baby’s life.

I wish I could have avoided the hassle with a local hospital when I attempted to send a patient for a diagnostic test and they said they were “too full and too busy.” I ultimately sent the patient to a specialty hospital that was further away where she immediately had a cesarean section because the baby had stopped growing at 33-weeks. Both mom and baby are fine.

I wish the triage department at a local hospital had performed an ultrasound on a patient who complained of bleeding at 27-weeks. They listened to the baby’s heartbeat, said everything was fine and sent her home. When I sent her for an ultrasound, the radiologist contacted me emergently. The patient’s placenta completely covered the opening to her womb and there was a cord wrapped around the baby’s neck three times. I referred the patient to a specialty hospital where she remained for the next nine weeks until she delivered her baby with the cord still wrapped around its neck. However, both mom and baby are fine.

I wish I could run interference for ALL pregnant moms when somebody drops the proverbial ball . . . but I can’t. So I wrote The Smart Mother’s Guide to a Better Pregnancy instead.

“A healthy pregnancy doesn’t just happen. It takes a smart mother who knows what to do.”

The crisis over standards of NHS care appears to be worsening almost by the day.

Figures published in the latest Hospital Guide from the part-NHS, part-private Dr Foster organisation show that 12 hospital trusts including those with ‘foundation’ status are ’significantly underperforming’ – including nine which had been rated good or even excellent by the NHS watchdog, the Care Quality Commission.

A further 27 are said by Dr Foster to have had unusually high mortality rates, generally considered a warning sign of care or treatment inadequacies

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1231969/MELANIE-PHILLIPS-How-obscene-NHS-bosses-rich-patients-needlessly-die-watch.html#ixzz0YLYXnfPZ

Yeah, you with the white coat and stupid shiny round thing on your head, and what the fuck is that thing even for? Mind-reading? Laser shield? Eye patch for your middle eye? What are you a three-eyed robot space pirate? OK, that’s pretty awesome but DON’T GET COCKY. You’re not off the hook yet. What the fuck is with calling a place you work at to FIX BROKEN PEOPLE a practice? Or am I missing something? Do you have somewhere else where you actually fix people properly called THE ACTUAL PLACE I DO IT FOR REAL or something? Are you fucking practicing on me? You smug fuck.

And here’s a tip: FIX ME WHEN I NEED IT PROPERLY, like hangovers, or foot cramps I get those little fuckers ALL the time when I’m in bed. What about instead of laser-eye surgery, actually give me LASER EYES. Why not? You’re supposed to know how to do this shit. Oh sorry, I forgot YOU’RE JUST PRACTICING. FAGGOT.

There’s nothing wrong with being gay, I say that a lot actually, fuck it GAY SUCKS. NO, DOCTORS SUCK. Doctors are gay. There I said it.

So, where was I? Hey how come when I make an appointment, you don’t come out and call me until THIRTY MINUTES after I got there? Do you realise how many Woman’s Day magazines I need to read in thirty minutes? I know EVERY name of Brangelina’s children for fucks sake. You’re turning ME gay while you’re fucking around in your little office practicing on some other poor bastard. Why would you treat people that way?

Oh yeah there’s a good one, you say you are going to TREAT a patient. Where’s the treat? I go in your office and you poke a fucking needle in my arm and give me hurts. HOW IS THAT A TREAT? Fucking sadistic fucks. Why don’t I rock up to your house, knock on your door, wait half a fucking hour for you to answer the door and give YOU a fucking treat in the eyeball with my fist? How would you like that?

Also, have you ever even considered, just for fucking once, JUST ONCE warm that stupid heart listening machine around your neck, and CALL IT SOMETHING I CAN SPELL AND PRONOUNCE. Fucken StEtHAMaSkoP. Fuck you and your big words. Hey, dickhead, stop sticking that cold stehytaskamope on my back, MY HEARTS OVER HERE ON MY CHEST IDIOT. Breathe in breath out. Fuck you, you’re the doctor, do it for me.

Do you even understand what some of those pills you prescribe do? You remember the ones you gave me when I was crazy, well, really crazy. THEY MADE ME MORE CRAZY AND MADE MY MOUTH DRY. Why don’t you just say “Go drink some petrol” or poison, flyspray, I don’t know but what the fuck? You’re prescribing me shit that makes me worse. I hate you. I really hope you die from falling on needles in that sneaky little cabinet you keep where I can’t see you pulling one out. SEE HOW IT FEELS?

I don’t actually hate doctors, my doctor is really nice. She fixed my penis once. True story. I’m really sorry guys, I am, no really. Truly sorry.

Faggots.

Oh yeah and GET SOME NURSES THAT ARE UNDER 70 YEARS OLD, LIKE 18 YEAR OLD NURSES WITH SEXY OUTFITS. What are you retarded or something? Don’t you watch porn? Nurses are supposed to be SEXY, not sexy like “Oh hey yeah I’m a grandfather, oh hey look at that sexy old lady” I mean ACTUALLY hot, like a teenager but legal. GET SOME.

Juggling the schedules of multiple people can be a challenge.  As I posted a new month’s schedule and reviewed all our upcoming committments, I got to wondering How did this happen?  Why do I have another month with multiple doctor’s appointments?

I recall a couple years ago.  At the conclusion of a routine exam I was told, “You’re a healthy X year old woman,” and I remember thinking,  No, I’m not. I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t know how to explain it, but there is something seriously wrong.  I know what healthy feels like, and this isn’t it.  That was the last of my “see you in a couple years” appointments.

I was okay only seeing my doctor rarely. I liked never getting sick enough to need a doctor.  Every other year was just fine for a routine appointment “just to make sure.”  Illnesses came once in a blue moon.  And that was good.  My doctor is a nice person, but I’d rather not need his expertise.

So when I wrote out the month’s calendar and saw yet another month with multiple doctor’s appointments on multiple days, I wondered why does it bother me so much to have all these doctors’ appointments on the calendar?  I like my doctors.  Really.  But there is something about needing to see them that I’m not too crazy about.

This year started off with so many doctor’s appointments that I declared April  “no appointments” month.  It felt wonderful to know that I wouldn’t have to see a doctor for those few weeks.  April was the calm before the storm.  I’ve been in zillions of times since then.  All these months later, I feel a ridiculous sense of victory in keeping that one month free.

When my PCP went to six-month follow-ups instead of two, it was great.  When my rheumy said her goal is to get me stable enough that I can go to quarterly follow-up instead of monthly, I wanted to dance for joy.

It’s not just having to juggle my other committments to make time for appointments.  It’s not just arranging childcare.  It’s not just the wrench it throws into my meal-prep routine.  It’s not the driving involved.  Those are managable scheduling issues.  Inconvenient, sometimes frustrating, but ultimately managable.  It’s not even the cost of fuel or the copay.  Copays add up quickly, but I’m grateful to have insurance instead of paying for those visits out-of-pocket.  Fuel is expensive, but there’s no bus service near my house and I live too far from everything to walk or ride a bike (wonder what would happen if I attempted to ride a horse – my docs don’t have a hitching rail).

What bothers me so much is the constant reminder.  Looking at the calendar points out – explicitly – that there is an ongoing problem.  There is no escape.

Frequent follow-ups make me feel like I’m chained to this disease forever.

Sometimes I want to live on a houseboat in Egypt!

Thanks is giving up

Empire Physicians Medical Group (EPMG) is offering a series of open enrollment seminars for seniors during this annual open enrollment season.

Seminars are on Wednesdays, December 2, 9, 16, 19, 23 and 30th at 11:30 am. Location: EPMG offices at 34-160 Gateways Drive, Suite 100 in Palm Desert. For the locations and times of other available seminars taking place throughout the Coachella Valley, p hone 760-770-8678 or visit their website www.empirephysicians.com for additional information.

(From The Irish Times >>>) A HUGE DROP in applications for junior doctor posts in hospitals across the State which fall vacant in January has been blamed on the fact that many young doctors are now emigrating.

The Irish Times has seen internal HSE documents which show that applications for junior doctor posts which need to be filled by the new year have fallen by more than half, when compared to a year ago, at some hospitals. Both large and small hospitals are affected and the recruitment problems may result in “significant gaps in service areas” next year.

This past week I’ve really been craving fish. Now I do like fish, but I never really have “craved” fish before. I really wanted tuna, and fish fingers and basically any kinds of fish. When I mentioned this to my mum she said that sometimes craving certain foods means that your body is lacking in a certain vitamin or mineral. So I looked up what craving fish might indicate, and it turns out that craving fish might indicate either iodine deficiency or hypothyroidism. Then I looked up an endocrine website to see what other symptoms might present themselves with these.

Hypothyroidism-

Symptoms of Hypothyroidism

• Fatigue
• Weakness
• Weight gain or increased difficulty losing weight
• Coarse, dry hair
• Dry, rough pale skin
• Hair loss
• Cold intolerance (you can’t tolerate cold temperatures like those around you)
• Muscle cramps and frequent muscle aches
• Constipation
• Depression
• Irritability
• Memory loss
• Abnormal menstrual cycles
• Decreased libido

and Iodine Deficiency

I know that iodine deficiency can lead to hypothyroidism, and I’ve a lot of those symptoms-of both iodine deficiency and hypothyroidism. But a lot of them can be put down to depression. However is it worth looking into? What if I havent had depression all these years, but hypothyroidism with depression as a symptom??

Sorry, this is a bit of a ramble but I’m just wondering if this can be solved.

I got my info from www.endocrineweb.com

It is very early Sunday. Then it will be Monday, then it will be Tuesday. Obvious statements right? Well yeah, but the point of them is how long those days will seem to me. I know this because of how long the last two weeks have been for me…ever since I heard the word “lymphoma” from a highly respected specialist in his field. Once those words echoed through my brain a bit, time has almost stood still. I’ve been stuck in fear of a couple tests, a surgery and then (now) who only knows what is yet to come. I’ve been reading, trying to learn the how, why and “what if’s?” I’ve had all the talks with my mom and my boyfriend. Nothing is confirmed, luckily so…but in my head for these moments…the not knowing is close enough to a “temporary cancer sentence.”

For now, I can’t catch a moment of peace lost in forgetting…because of the massive wound on my neck (healing; yet still very bruised, swollen and painful stitches) of the dissection/biopsy. I get ready to take a bath, and look in the mirror, and within minutes I have a stream of tears falling down my face. I see these masses still left to deal with, no matter the outcome. I see the drama of a phone call coming in on Tuesday afternoon confirming my worst thoughts…and once again, being left all ALONE!!!

I have the worst luck with Holidays at the end of the year. Seems someone always dies or something horrible happens. It’s made it almost impossible for me to look forward to this time of year. But I still do. Sure I want some presents. But I also want to see the expressions on my mom and Pedro’s face as they see the thought I put into their gifts. I look forward to all the lights, the snow, the smell of the snow…the feel of the snow. Snow makes me happy!!! One of the few things, pure as it is that does make happy. I’m the same way with water (except when it leaks into our basement of course.)

I’m scared of money, chemo, radiation, losing my hair, my dignity, left with a neck full of scars. It’s not like I don’t have enough skin drama to last 10 lifetimes already. I’m scared of getting better just when we run out of money and then having to leave our home. I’m scared of what if this potential cancer is really small lumps broken off from a larger mass in my abdomen. That’s kinda the way lymph node cancer can work. What if I’m going to die??? What if I want to die?? What if I’m done???

True. The word cancer is not a known issue yet. But for me; it’s my life, it’s my neck, and I don’t know what the hell is wrong…but something IS seriously wrong with the way I’ve been feeling lately!!! I don’t smoke. I never smoked; all but a little stoner stent in my mid to late 20’s. I’m 35 now. I hate that my mom still smokes. I understand her nerves (especially now with all the worry) and the addiction aspects. But it’s like risking my life all over again. Even if I get a clean-ish bill of health this time…what about next time??? I have a very weakened immune-system. This is something she and I need to understand does come with some very serious risks. Sadly I am more likely/prone to catching certain illnesses…and that does include, cancer. And yes, I did say “I” need to realize this…and be responsible for certain changes as well.

My throat still hurts so bad from that breathing tube used during the surgery…as does my lower lip still too…OUCH!! It feels like sandpaper about 75% of the time. Now with the heat being on so high, it makes the air dryer and makes my throat hurt even more. My neck looks so much worse than the picture I posted a couple days ago. It’s all purple/yellow now. It’s also so much bigger. Luckily the last bandage has not fallen off yet, because I’m not really ready to see what’s underneath yet. It hurts to lay comfortably. It hurts to turn my head in certain ways. It hurts when I sit still and do fucking nothing!! But just like my Fibromyalgia…I’m expected to bounce right back. My feeling are very hurt by some of this. Everything with me in the last two-three full years has been full of fucking hurt!!!

With Fibromyalgia generally comes Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. CFS is fairly self-explanatory; sometimes you’d almost rather die than get out of bed and function because of the insane fatigue. But even b4 the surgery, I felt much, much worse recently. I’ve literally not done anything fun or casual in the last many months. I’ve been to doctors and hospitals and that’s all. I went to the Apple store twice to get my new phone (which I needed) and the AppleCare for my laptop. And during both those instances, by the time I got back to the car….I could barely breath, I was so sore and dizzy…I felt scared, shaken and again….ALONE!!!!

So take me now, with all the above…add in the vicodin (that is seriously needed for this kind of pain) and I’m utterly useless!! I’ve managed to do a few things. I wrapped another present this weekend. I made some tea and toast for my mom. I’ve taken care of my animals. I’ve kept up with basic grooming. Other than that…I’ve just been sleeping. The more I sleep…the closer I come to the countdown of the phone call from the Otolaryngologist. His news will determine so much of the Kimberly I will remain or that I will become…good or bad.

If it’s not cancer, and I can painfully still have the remainder of these lumps removed…I’d actually almost be semi-satisfied. I do want them gone, so my head looks more…normal!! So I have hope that after the healing of that, I could get back to doing some regular things again and having some of my depression lifted. But, if it’s the other kind of phone call…I will most likely stumble to the floor and not do anything for myself anymore…because what is the point?? I’ve had too many illnesses. First my skin, then my mind, then my body…and now my body even more so. I feel so sick. I’m in so much pain. I’m so scared and I don’t think I can take much more of this.

My mom and boyfriend need to work during the days. They need to sleep at night. And they need some chill time to themselves in the evening. I understand that (to some degree…or I really try to.) But where does that leave me?? It leaves me…ALONE!!!

…and these are the genuine FEARS twirling around my brain at a non-stop speed…that nobody seems to understand ;c/

To go again

After a frighteningly long operation and three days in the hospital my wife Cat and I have returned to our cozy and safe home. From the bottom of my heart let me again thank you for the prayers and love so many of you sent our way.

Cat’s well. She’s so well it’s almost bizarre. I’m actually jealous of how much energy she has. We returned home Thanksgiving night, and yesterday she spent hours in the kitchen cooking, took two long walks, accompanied me to Trader Joe’s and Staples, began decorating for Christmas, and did a bunch of other stuff I get exhausted just trying to remember.

Cat had to stay in the hospital an extra night because the doctors were concerned that she hadn’t yet shot around the room like a released balloon from all the gas passing out of her.

Hey. No one said being beautiful was pretty.

When they do major abdominal-area surgery on you, they fill you with carbon dioxide gas, which helps keeps your organs nice and fresh while they operate, or something. I dunno. But when they’re done playing the Organ Requiem on you, the doctors leave a bunch of that gas trapped inside your body. If you’re not a politician and so used to it, so much gas inside of you presents serious problems. It floats up to cause pain in your shoulders; it inhibits your breathing by pressing up hard against your lungs. Now you know why politicians always seem to be panting and shrugging.

Cat recycles; she takes reusable bags with her shopping. This is someone who cares about the environment.

“But what about my carbon footprint?” she said between gritted teeth. “What about the glaciers?”

“Just let ‘er rip, baby,” said the nurses. “Seriously. Or we’ll start putting a bunch of tubes in you.”

“But my husband’s right here in the room with me,” said Cat.

“I don’t mind!” I said. “I wanna see you shoot around the room!”

Finally Cat gave in. I believe several coastal communities along the Eastern Seaboard were flooded later that night.

As I peeled Cat off the ceiling, I said, “See? That wasn’t so bad.”

Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, but what a glorious sound it is, when the angels trump their tribute to the designs of God.

Now Cat’s home and healing. I only hope I can keep up with her while she convalesces.

(Photo of angel trumpeting God’s victory over death snagged off the completely interesting-looking site Curios Expeditions.)

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