Yet another discussion on the merits of tops bottoming before they top started on FetLife recently. Here is my response.

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Someone asked:

> And why does this question persist when the opposite – to learn to submit shouldn’t you have to dominate first – is never asked seriously? In order to bottom, shouldn’t you have to top first?

To which I answered:

X, there’s much less risk of harm the other direction. Because of the greater risks involved in topping, it’s more important that the top bottom than the other way around.

It *is*, in fact, recommended that subs at least try our hands at topping as well, though, even though you don’t hear about it as much, and the recommendation doesn’t stir up anywhere near as much controversy.

I know for myself that doing so has made me a better bottom (when I’ve been with the right doms), especially in that I now fully understand how much work is involved, how much harder it is to read another person than any of us would like to think when first starting out, how hard it is to really keep track of everything you need to be juggling in even a simple scene, never mind a more complex one, etc. I now know how hard it is to balance both an intense focus on your bottom with the need to still maintain an acute awareness of everything else going on around you, where you are in relationship to your toys and other potential obstacles, etc. I have a much better understanding of how hard it is to control a flogger, how much harder it is to tell what’s actually happening without the input of the bottom, etc. than I ever would have before. It’s given me a taste, however small, of my dark side coming out, and of having to control that beast – and what it takes to do so and to channel that energy into something else that’s not destructive, and to how to deal with the resulting emotions of it all. It’s brought me a whole new level of appreciation of exactly what goes into being on the other side of the whip handle in intangible ways that are hard to express, but which translate directly into things like knowing much better how and when to cut a top some slack if something goes wrong, and when that’s not as appropriate.

As for bottoming before topping, without exception, the *best* tops I’ve ever played with, who have been able to take me the furthest, *all* did so (as far as I recall), and they *all* said they learned a lot of value from the experience. Two of them in particular were actually switches, so it was really a no-brainer for them, but still – they *got* it in a way that many others don’t, simply because they’d been there themselves, and it made a very big difference in how they topped me as a result, despite one of them being somewhat of a newbie.

No, you won’t experience exactly what I will. No one can ever fully experience what another does.

There are two ways to approach this experiment, though – through resistance, resentment, and anger – or with an open mind, focussed on trying to learn whatever you can from the experience, being open to just finding out exactly wherever it *does* lead you.

If you approach it with an open mind and *intent* to discover whatever there might be to learn, and really make an effort, you *will* learn *something*.

Particularly if you are working with an experienced top (which of course you should), some of the most important things you are likely to find out are things like what the anticipation and helplessness of being bound and unable to move feel like, how the sting of a cane lingers, how it magnifies when the blow is repeated before the initial sting dissipates. You will have a better understanding of how it really feels to have a long, slow warmup as opposed to just starting to hit hard, what the anticipation of not knowing what’s coming next is like – and you will get, in a way you probably have never gotten before, just exactly how much trust you really must be able to have for the one topping you, especially if you’re tied up and helpless. That cannot help but make you a better dominant, not just because you will be able to empathize more, but because it will actually add to your toolbox of things you can bring into play with your own submissive.

Despite the obvious differences in anatomy, many of the neural connections are actually the same in men and women, and certainly the rest of the relevant physiology is. If you hit someone on the “sweet spot” in the right way, for example, even someone who is not a masochist will eventually get turned on, because those sensory nerves are directly hooked up with our genitalia in *both* sexes.

If you go on long enough and/or hard enough, with the proper pacing, etc., endorphins *will* come up, even for someone who doesn’t think they have a masochistic bone in their body, because that’s what the autonomic nervous system does when it thinks the body is being assaulted – the basic “fight or flight” system in action. That’s why you don’t feel pain when you’re trying to escape a dangerous situation, or to save someone else’s life, even if you get injured in the process – or indeed, why you might not even feel the pain of a serious injury right away.

So then you’ll get to find out what that feels like, what it does to your headspace, ability to focus, talk, still feel pain, etc. Even if you don’t like the experience, you’ll know more about what it is, how it affects one’s coherence and ability to take more, etc.

Will you *like* the experience, or get the same headspace out of it that I will? Maybe, maybe not. Some doms who bottom end up finding out that they’ve actually got many more masochistic and bottoming tendencies than they ever dreamed they might. Some are more comfortable with that discovery than others.

I also believe (and have observed) that fear of that happening is often the number one reason that many refuse to even try it – not for all, certainly, but I’m sure there are more who fear this than will admit to it. They find it too threatening to even try, because they’re afraid of what it might mean to their self-perception as well as how they are viewed by others if they find they actually like it. They’re afraid they’ll “turn into” subs, like that’s a bad thing somehow. Or that somehow, even attempting it, much less liking it, will somehow threaten their domliness.

I don’t much care for topping, personally. I really don’t get anything much out of it that makes it worth bothering to do it except on *extremely* rare occasions, and I certainly don’t get out of it what most dominants do, or what the bottom does, or what I myself get out of bottoming. Mostly, I just occasionally get an itch to flog someone, and it’s typically only about as satisfying as hitting a tennis ball. But it *is* a valuable experience to have done the admittedly still small range of things I’ve done to another for many, many reasons.

So, I invite those of you who so forcefully resist even the very idea of trying to bottom to consider these points, and take a look at what might *really* be stopping you.

I am not a natural submissive (as much as I thought that is what I thought I was when I was coming out), it comes hard for me and is a lot of work. Frankly, my true identity is a Brat and I do embrace that. I can do submission really, really well for a night; can do it well for a weekend but after that I always have difficulties.

About two months ago, Mrs.P  and I enter into a Ds (Dominance & submission) contract through the end of the year. And as expected the beginning was great and then it got rocky. But I pushed through and we were doing good.  Don’t get me wrong we had ups and downs Ds in real life is not the fantasy.

Then Turkey day came around and at our home it is not a one day event. Oh no!  we have to go crazy getting the house ready for both sets of parents coming down. So you know the Ds kind of lost its priority.

Since the holiday, there have been a lot of things going on and running around. I will be the first to say the fault is mine that we are not back to where we were. I have been a grouch and not focused and have basically sucked in the being submissive and mindful.

We were doing so well in making Ds work for us in the real world. I am sure we will continue to have bumps in the road but hopefully we can keep the Ds portion of our relationship working.

Anyone having suggestions on dealing with these types of speed bumps in the holiday months, I’d love to hear from. you.

“Do you do anal?” is probably one of the most common questions to be asked as a woman (don’t know how many men are asked) on a hook up site, BDSM or otherwise.

There is no real simple answer for this for me. I have tried it – yes. It was okay. It was not my favourite thing in the world, but it was not bad. That being said it involved patient partners, and a lot of lube.

So, to put it crudely, if you are looking for a woman who routinely takes it up the ass like a pro… I’m not it. If anal is at the top of your ‘must have’ list I’m probably not your girl either.

However if it is something you have in your toolbox of tricks, and will take your time to make sure you don’t cause me serious injury. Then yes, you will probably play the back 9 with me.

“Laundry List”

There are a group of men (mostly) whose idea of ‘getting to know me’ involves spewing out a list of sex acts to see if I’ve done them or if I’ve tried them. Generally I don’t like “laundry list” men. There are many things I may try with the right partner, under the right circumstances. There are also many things I have tried that I may not think you are the right partner to repeat them with.

However, if you are dying to know what I will and won’t do, you can look at the Laundry List.

(I have been working on this novel for about a year now. This is still the first draft, but I see potential in these characters that I haven’t experienced before.)

“You want me to play bodyguard to who!?” William barked at the large male looming over him.

“I’m only saying this one more time. You are to guard her with your life. Got it? Or you can just take your ass right back out that door and go find someone else that’s going to cater to you demands. I’m here for them, not you. Got it?” The chief security officer snarled. He was well and truly tired of the drama that had taken stage in his office.

“Come on, Ray. She tried to run me over! How the fuck am I supposed to protect someone if their main goal in life is to kill me?” William protested loudly.

“If my opinion in this matter means anything, gentlemen, I don’t need a bodyguard, thank-you-very-much. So you can just send Skippy here back to Oz and I can get on with my business.” Vyvyan added, liking the whole ordeal a lot less than William.

“Vyvyan, give me some slack here. You know I am only doing what your father ordered, and he ordered me to find a well qualified man to watch over you in light of these new threats.” He leveled his eyes at her and met her glare with equal intensity. “I will not lose my job because you want to play princess bitch around the new guy.”

Vyvyan gawked at the CSO, her jaw flapping open and then snapping shut with a resounding thud. She knew that no matter how much she protested the new orders, it was going to happen. Her father’s number one priority was her safety. If that meant super gluing some idiot ex army nutjob to her side, then he’d do it. Never mind her opinion of the whole thing.

“Listen to her, Chief. She’s deadly with that car out there. Just lock her in the fucking thing twenty four-seven and stay out of her way. Any idiot willing to face her behind the wheel deserves a painful death.” William hated to admit that he and the psycho were on the same side in this instant.

“Stay out of this.” Vyvyan barked. “Its not your life that’s being dictated to you so just butt out and shut up until you are spoken to.” Hands on hips, she glared up at him. “Nod if you understand me. Or do I need to use smaller words?” She gave a mock pout.

“Are you always this abusive to those that are trying to help you? No wonder someone wants to kill you. Fuck, I want to kill you myself.”

The two stared at each other for a long, silent moment. A nuclear blast could have gone off in the backyard, yet they wouldn’t have budged. A war of wills was taking place and both were bound and determined to come out on top.

“Vyvyan Caldwell. This is not how I taught you to behave. I expected some resistance from you about this, but never did I expect to hear such foul language being used against one of my employees. You have disappointed me, daughter. Now, please apologize to Mr. Singher and let us move on with the rest of this meeting.”

The elderly Mr. Caldwell demanded attention the second he entered the room. His large frame filled the doorway. No one would have thought his true age to be nearly two thousand years old just by looking at him. If anything he wasn’t a day over forty. The man was scary-powerful. Lucky for all of them he wasn’t one to abuse that power. They’d all be nothing but little scorch marks on the hardwood floor after he was done with them.

Determined green eyes lost their light and dropped to the floor instantly. As always her father had called back the never ending well of anger that fueled and propelled Vyvyan through her every day life. Being a hard ass was what had gotten her the position she had at the lab, not some inane birthright her father passed down. She had the brains to back up her mouth. If only her colleagues would acknowledge it.

“I am sorry to disappoint you, father. But I well and truly feel that you are wasting not only your time, but his as well. There have been no threats made on my person, just the lab. I feel that I am safe. If you wish I could carry a weapon, but to ask this poor man to waste his days following me around as I work? It is a waste of his potential.”

William’s eyebrows shot up in surprise at Vyvyan’s change of tone. So all it took to cage the beast was daddy-dearest, huh? Better bring the old man along for the job. He could be a huge asset if the female ever got the wild urge to tattoo him to the grill of her car.

Recently the New York Times published another (sycophantic) article on Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan; this time entitled ‘Becoming the Alpha Dog in your own Home‘ complete with quotes from child therapists,  parenting authors and podcasters who are happy to apply Millan’s methods and ideals to living with unsuspecting children.

The always excellent Deborah Flick of Boulder Dog has written a wonderful, scathing and straight-to-the-point blog post in response to the NYT article.

In a previous post we asked if you would enjoy an adversarial, domineering relationship with a dog or anyone else for that matter – now it seems there are some people out there who support having this sort of relationship with their children.

Despite my objections (and I am not alone) to applying Millan style dominance based philosophies to child rearing (or dog rearing) I think that there is a very real and applicable parallel between child training and dog parenting:

• the goals of pet parents and child trainers are pretty much the same: to raise an individual who can cope well in and be a valuable member of society

• in both cases we are pretty much dealing with a different species (!); as the adult humans in each case it is up to us to learn about our charge’s needs, prepare them for society and provide guidance to living in a foreign culture

• both dogs and kids need an environment that is carefully managed and supervised; we expect the crawling 9 month old to stick things into electrical outlets so we cover them – we should expect the teething puppy to chew your shoes so we keep them out of reach.  Baby gates and play pens were first developed for child management but have become valuable and essential parts of the dog parent’s kit too.

• appropriate outlets for natural behaviour – there are things that we know children and dogs are going to do, that they need to do, so we provide them with some sort of appropriate outlet for this behaviour to prevent it surfacing when we rather it wouldn’t

• exercise – cabin fever is present in both kids and dogs

• appropriate play – games are practice for real life and as such are essential in the lives of our charges; games with rules teach dogs and children about discipline, socialising, cooperation, compromise, how to cope with real life, grown up scenarios and provide countless mental and physical stimulation opportunities

• lots of pleasant interaction between parent and dog, trainer and child – if participants never interact and learn to communicate there is no  basis for a relationship.  Positive interaction builds trust, understanding and partnership.  It is up to parents and trainers to initiate this and keep it successful – soon it will become a two way thing.

• clear and consistent boundaries – parents and trainers must decide what is permitted and what is not permitted; as the adults we know what is safe and acceptable.  Dogs and children are not born understanding this so need guidance.  Be aware that young children and dogs don’t share our sense of right and wrong, ethics and morals but only safe and unsafe – a use of strong aversives in relation to undesireable behaviour is likely only to destroy any relationship developed and miss out delivering the intended message

• reward the behaviour we like, interrupt behaviour we don’t like and teach incompatible behaviours to avoid children and dogs carrying out inappropriate behaviour

• ignore tantrums and attention seeking behaviour but think long and hard about preventing the situation arising again - this is where management and teaching incompatible behaviours comes in

• opportunity to socialise with their own kind – other dogs are great dog trainers and other kids are great child educators

• their own space and time to chill – modern living is all go-go-go; children and dogs need time to escape, process and just chill out without constant stimulation; everybody has off days when they would rather lay about rather than engage - respect that and provide facilities in which to do this

• realistic expectations – by understanding and trusting another we know what they are capable of and respect their limitations; at the end of it all kids will be kids and dogs will be dogs

• respect – we as the adults have to earn it by setting a good example, understanding our role and theirs and appreciating our kids and our dogs

Pet parenting and child training  is basically the same endeavour.  They are both about developing a relationship that will blossom as you both enjoy the good times and survive the bad.

It is not a ‘them’ and ‘us’ scenario – there is no need for aversives, for lost tempers or violence/dominance/adversary/alpha.  Remember, being positive is not about being permissive.

Want to know more?

Check out Karen Pryor’s excellent ‘Don’t Shoot the Dog’ - a must read

See Kellie Snider’s article on negative reinforcement and positive punishment and her thoughts on this and parenting

What similarities have you found between dog parenting and child training?

Being known to be a dominant woman means you get contacted by submissive men. There is a range of types of contacts that happen. Most of them are nice and innocent. Usually just friendly conversation and/or asking advice on their own relationships. Specifically if the spouse is not receptive to the submissive feelings of the male.

I am happy to listen and talk, as long as the boundaries of the prudent are not crossed and that my monogamous relationship with the boy are respected. I am happy to say that this is usually the case. I guess in part because I tend to be quite blunt and direct about that limit.

However there are submissive men that seem to think that because you are a dominant woman you are also into female supremacy. Newsflash; I am not! In fact I do not believe in supremacy full stop.  As far as I am concerned every person has their strengths and weaknesses but nobody is superior to the other. The whole idea of any for of supremacy is a turn off for me. Sure I am the first one to admit that when I am in a foul mood I can have a verbal go at all males in the universe. But that is the exception not the rule in how I perceive the world.

I am not one of those whip-wielding leather clad woman. In fact apart from shoes I do not own anything in leather. Also I think I am a nice generally friendly person. I try not to pick a fight, but I do like to get my way. I am forceful but not mean. I hate to hurt people intentionally, unless it is within an arranged play setting.

The second peeve is that because I dress my boy up in feminine clothes that this is forced feminization. Again this is not the case. The boy is a cross-dresser Has been as long as he cares to remember. Just now I am the one that decides what  he gets to wear when. That is something he loves. That I take control over his dressing . The dressing itself is something he craves himself, as he does the control. Those two are linked but not interchangeable.

And last but not least, the men that throw themselves at my feet, and call me mistress (unasked). They seem to want to tell me from that point onward that I am their mistress, because they said so. Hold on. I don’t get it. Firstly I have always been clear about my relationship status. Secondly I am the one who decides whether a man can be my submissive. It is not up to any submissive to call me mistress. I loath being called mistress. Those whom have had the foresight to actually go to my about pages know that.

To make things clear.  I am dominant, but that does not mean I rule everything in my life. I too have a job. I am in a position of pretty much being in charge of my own area, but I do have a boss and I am part of a team. I have a submissive, my boy. He is my only submissive and will remain my only submissive. No need to apply within there is no job opening.

I do welcome friendly conversation, as long as it is within my rules. Thankfully I know a few men out there that get it. You know who you are, thanks for showing respect for my boundaries. I enjoy talking to you.

Something humorous that floats around the ‘net that is very much food for thought. My additional comments follow, or are added in italics, adapted from a FetLife post, and expanded upon here.

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Submissives, by nature, wish to please their Dominants. It’s an integral part of being a submissive. Sometimes, though, Dominants seem not to really want obedient submissives by the mere fact that they do the following things. So, Dom’s if you are having a difficult time getting your submissive to disobey and act-out here are some helpful hints:

1. Always Be Inconsistent: One of the first things you can do to confuse and disorient your submissive is to constantly change the rules. If yesterday they had to ask to sit on the furniture, then don’t make them ask today. Now, tomorrow when they don’t ask, be sure to punish them strictly! Or better yet, tell them one thing, then turn around and tell them something different. Either tell them when their rules are changing or leave them to guess. Just letting them guess as to what their rules are is a sure way to get them to misbehave.

2. Don’t Consider Them As Individuals/Human: This is a subtle one. When you’re making rules, make rules based around the personality of someone else you know. Don’t think of them as human at all. Treat them like property, like you’ve most likely read on a site. If your sub is a morning person, insist they stay up til 2am each night. If your sub is a vegetarian, make them only eat meat-based dishes, and if they refuse to eat their dinner, make them go hungry. Your sub will begin nodding off to sleep, especially if they have to get up early in the morning, and then you’ve got yourself a real disobedient sub.

3. Have Unrealistic Expectations: Insist that after your submissive works 2 shifts you have them cook a three-course meal. And if its less than 3 courses, punish them severely. This will make them want to serve you even more.

4. Completely Ignore The Way The Human Body Works: If they swallow your cum count that as all their meals for the day. If their bottom is welting and they call a safeword to tell you that it’s gone beyond good pain, ignore them and continue on (after all all pain is the good kind, right?). Only allow them to sleep 2 hours a night. Insist on a nude slave all the time, ignoring the temperature of the day and their body’s natural temperature.

5. Disrespect Safewords: Either completely ignore safewords, or refuse to establish them in the first place. After all, if they really trusted you, they would not need safewords. As a matter of fact, refuse to listen to anything your submissive says. Why listen to a piece of property that’s not human. If they try to tell you that the ropes are too tight or that you’re whipping their kidneys, take that as them just acting difficult.

6. Refuse To Listen To Them: Remember, submissives are there to be led and directed. They are property and therefore can’t think for themselves and they don’t really know what they’re feeling. Feel free to point this out, and refuse to give them an open forum to discuss ideas, concerns, issues, or anything else. If they still try to present their own thoughts, either dismiss them immediately or punish your submissive, severely for being presumptive. Either way, refuse to hear what they are saying.

7. Never Praise Them: Praise will only make their heads swell. They will begin to think themselves above their stations, and begin to take pride and enjoyment from their activities. You must strictly control this. Their only pleasure must come from you, in measured intervals, of course. Do not tell them they have done well or that they have pleased you, ever. You should always have them wondering if they are pleasing. If you do praise them, you risk them gaining a sense of self worth and then why would they need you?!

8. Your Pleasure Is The Only Pleasure: Do not allow them to do anything that will please them. This is two-fold: while this means taking away all their outside interests (it also includes cutting them off from friends), and it also means that you must monitor what submissive acts they take pleasure in. When you find that a particular submissive act is something that gives them pleasure, take it promptly and replace it by an act they find discomforting. It is best if you can be obvious about this. If it is their pleasure to tie your shoes, tie your own shoes in front of them. And, it’s best if this is done with a mocking look on your face.

9. Never Let Them Talk To Anyone Else: You must very strictly monitor all stimulation. Pay special care to keeping them away from other scene folk, as you can’t be sure what new ideas others will suggest to your impressionable sub. You don’t want your sub to be able to “compare notes” with other submissives, as this has the potential to call your actions into question. To much stimulation might cause them to form their own thoughts. Remember you want to avoid this at all costs.

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Oh, lord, this would be funny it there weren’t so much truth in it! Why on earth are there so many of these types walking around? Where do they get these screwy ideas?

Other ways to create a “disobedient” sub – let’s all add to the list. I’m sure we can think of dozens of ways:

10. Tell her that if she hasn’t figured out what she is yet (as in having a neat label that suits you) that you’re wasting your precious time with her.

11. Don’t communicate your own changing needs and desires or negotiate them with her when you identify them, but still expect her to comply anyways, especially when your own definitions of what you want are changing frequently. Make sure to hold her to #1 anyways. Only you are allowed to have any variations in what you want or need.

12. Don’t allow her any room for changes in her own self-identification or needs. Only yours matter, and she should be able to figure them out and comply with them gladly, even though you haven’t informed her of them until she violates one of your new rules. Then punish her by any means available, and accuse her of not being supportive of you.

13. Tell her what she’s feeling, and completely disregard what *she* says she’s feeling in favor of your own assessment of the situation if the two don’t match. Do this especially if you think she’s angry about something and she said she honestly isn’t. Then blame her for being upset about you doing this. Projection of your own point of view is always better than actually listening to whatever she has to say, especially if it turns her into being exactly like your ex.

14. Complain about how she’s exactly like your ex, and doing all the same things you wanted to get away from. Don’t be willing to look at how you set it all up and project in order to create that. Ignore the actual person in front of you in favor of what you are expecting.

15. Completely ignore the way that healthy human beings and functioning relationships work. Completely ignore the way that women in particular work.

16. Make it clear to her that her needs for support and to deal with relationship issues don’t matter anywhere near as much as yours do, and that there’s no room for hers past your point of being able to deal with your own shit.

17. Expect her to be 100% focussed on *your* needs, and not to bring her own issues or issues with the relationship up, even when they reach critical proportions, when you are in your own loops, especially when you are in ones that have no forseeable end. Don’t give her any clue about when you might be willing to look at the issues she brings up; just expect her to suck it up for an apparently indefinite period of time.

18. Then, when she has issues and dares to bring them up anyways, blame her for adding to your woes instead of taking them off your shoulders, because you think her sole job in life should be to be to relieve you of your own burdens and soothe your own fevered brow, even when the issues are critical to her. Don’t show any awareness that shit happens whenever it does to all of us, and that sometimes it happens to both people in a relationship at once.

19. Then expect the relationship to continue unchanged, with her redoubling her obedience to you, even though you’ve just set up a situation in which there’s zero way for her to have any assurance of when or how you will actually take her needs into consideration, or to address the relationship issues.

20. Tell her that doms don’t ask their subs for “permission” for anything, and that to be asked to do so diminishes your domliness and power, even when it’s a relationship-level issue that has nothing to do with D/s.

21. Of course, make it *her* fault that your domliness is threatened if she actually expects compliance with relationship agreements and up front negotiation of any proposed changes, and calls you on any violations.

22. Tell her that gee, yes, you think you did once read something about X being a potentially harmful activity, but you think you’ve been in denial of it – or better yet, that she’s full of crap or something along those lines. Of course, X is what you’ve pushed her to do all along, and then gotten angry when she wouldn’t beg you for it, and when she did object to you already having done it. This works even better when the relationship is well-established and long-running.

23. Blame her for lack of trust in you despite you doing all of the above and more. Expect that she trust you no matter what, even when you do things that violate agreements, endanger her, injure her, etc. Expect that she believe your words above your actions.

24. Ignore the substance and tone of something she has concerns about in favor of nitpicking every single little detail in order to prove to her how unreasonable she is being. Double points if the issue is something most men past adolescence have already figured out about women, and you’re triple that age.

25. Tell her that something she did was fine with you, and then throw it in her face later as evidence that she doesn’t honor her own agreements.

26. Tell her that she’s the best submissive you’ve ever had, then disappear into the night after a particularly good scene in which she’s made a lot of progress on something you’ve been working with her on, never to be heard from again.

27. Always be sure to bring up relationship issues while she’s still coming down from subspace, before she can fully defend herself. This will ensure her endless devotion because she will be too devastated to leave or even object.

28. Make sure you put your domliness and self-control in her own hands and then get mad when she doesn’t submit to you. Get pissy and pouty when she has a problem with something that happens, particularly in scene, and make sure that she has to take care of you instead of you helping her through her difficulty, even if she’s in subspace. Tell her that it’s her fault that you don’t feel domly when these things happen, and that she should still submit to you even though you are clearly and explicitly abdicating the control to her. Subs just love it when their dominant hands over all control to them like this, and then blames her for her inability to submit to him as a result. It totally inspires an increasing desire to submit to him at all times.

29. Tell her that the jewelry you gave her with the expressly stated intention of it being a permanent collar to wear every day is a collar that means that she is permanently collared to you. Then later tell her that it’s not a collar, then still later that it is, and so on. Subs just love this kind of uncertainty as to whether they are actually collared or not, and constantly changing definitions of what particular collar-like objects really mean. It really makes them feel incredibly safe and secure in the relationship.

30. Tell her only after the relationship is over that you considered her permanently collared to you when you were together, even though you never said a word to that effect at the time, or had any mutual agreement about the matter, and you only put the collar on her at certain times.

31. Don’t ever practice with your toys, and don’t accept her feedback when something doesn’t work or injures her. After all, a true dominant automatically is an expert at everything he sets out to do, knows what’s happening to her body better than she does, etc. She couldn’t possibly be right that the flogger wrapped or hit her in the neck or kidneys, because you are so conscientious and highly skilled that you would *never* do that kind of thing, and if it did actually happen, that you would always realize it.

32. Always do the same thing in scenes, and always hit her hard repeatedly in exactly the same spot, even when you know she absolutely despises that. Subs just love being bored to tears in scene, always knowing exactly what’s coming and when, and never having any other parts of their bodies played with.

33. Make sure to hit her hard enough to leave marks that last for 6 months and look like they’re never going to go away, especially if being marked permanently is a hard limit. She will learn to love the marks as a reminder of your wonderful domliness, especially if they prevent her from doing things like going to the gym for the entire time it takes for them to go away, and she’s devoted to trying to get in shape and lose weight.

34. Tell her the first time you play together (or even before) that you expect to control every social interaction she has from now on, vet everyone else she might want to date, and control everything she does every day. She will be so enamored of your wonderful play style and masterful control of her that she will automatically turn over all control of her social life and everything else to you.

35. Tell her at the same time that you expect her to go out and find other subs for you to play with. That will ensure her undying confidence in you and that you really value *her*.

Hey all, I’m thankful for choice and causality.  I’m thankful for fists and open palms.  And I’m thankful for cookies.  Enjoy this special Thanksgiving story as only I tell them.

            “We have what we have,” she said with a harrumph, plopping down at the head of the table, “Isn’t that right Roy?”  Susie had that way about her; everything she said seemed like a harrumph.  It gave her every utterance a sense of finality that vexed many, but won the heart of her husband.  Now that he was dead, few people in the family still appreciated her.

            Alex looked upon the heaping plates that littered the table and momentarily considered eating meat for the sake of social ease.  The caked brown skin of the turkey didn’t look bad.  He heard it crackled pleasantly in the mouth.  Alex had never eaten turkey, but maybe this Thanksgiving would be a new experience for him.

            His values.  What of his values?  What indeed.

            “I suppose,” said Roy with a sigh.

            Alex looked across the table at Roy’s apologetic eyes and slumped shoulders.  He shrugged, as if to say, ‘you wanted to come over, this is what it’s like.’  After years of living with his mother, and then after these last few months of helping take care of her, Roy uncomplainingly accepted her edicts.

            Up the table, with a fixed stare, Susie’s eyes bore down on him.  Her knobby eighty-year-old fingers rested tentatively on the table edge, and the full weight of her frail spine did not quite rest against the chair back.  She was waiting for him to confirm her diagnosis of the situation, waiting on him as if his consent confirmed her position as queen of the household.

            “We have what we have,” Alex said finally and Susie leaned back in the chair.

            She smiled warmly at him.

            “Why don’t you cut the turkey,” Susie said, offering the knife.

            “No,” Alex smiled brightly, “I don’t eat meat, and I don’t cut it up either.  I think I’ll enjoy those delicious looking mashed potatoes.”

            Roy brought his napkin up to cover a growing smile on his face.  Susie’s eyes narrowed, but a smirk crept onto her lips.  She opened her mouth, and then shut it, choosing her words carefully.

            “Well,” she said, ending the short silence, “we have what we have.”

Picking up something new always presents us with brick walls to overcome, and this case (a blog – I have always disliked that word) is no different.  Formatting and design issues aside, outfitting this new piece of web real estate with informative, insightful, and interesting links was it’s own challenge.

To put it bluntly, there is an alarming shortage of quality information on the behavior and (proper) training of animals other than dogs.  I think this is actually an honest reflection of both the astounding popularity of dogs and the growing need to learn to live with them (as opposed to cats, who are, by and large, seen as a lower maintenance companion – which is also by and large untrue).  As for horses, most horse enthusiasts fall into one of two main categories: Those who use horses for pleasure, and those who use them for work.  Far fewer are the lovers of equines who choose a horse as a companion, after all, it’s much harder to bring a horse on a nice walk in the park, or inside to sit with you by a warm fire.

Even more disturbing is the maddeningly slow pace at which equestrians have evolved from old wives tales and word-of-mouth mythos into science and sound reasoning with regards to working with and understanding horses.  There are plenty of resources on the web for those who need help gaining “dominance” over their mounts, or are looking for fresh ways to punish unwanted behavior.  There is no shortage of experts willing to give advice on which bits to use to control an unruly horse, or when the rider should man up and show the horse who is boss.  Meanwhile, over in the dog savvy world of training and behavior modification, more and more people are moving confidently away from these age old traditions and confrontational methods of communicating with their companions, and leading the way are dozens and dozens of PhD-wielding, behavior science-educated experts of their fields of study.

Lets hope the cat enthusiasts and horse lovers of the world sit up and take note, for while the changes are slow in coming, lo they are a’coming. You can’t trump science.

We recognized each other immediately, even though we had only shared a few pictures online.  I smiled widely and waved.  We hugged and it felt wonderful…he was a bear.  But he didn’t stay cuddly for long.  He grabbed the hair on the back of my head and pulled hard.  He knew that was just what he had to do to own me from that moment on.  We kissed and it felt so right.  But although originally I had intended to join him for a beer and talk, I soon had another idea entirely.  We walked, holding hands from time to time.  All the while my insides were churning with excitement and a little bit of fear.  Knowing all Chuck really wanted to do was cut my clothes off and rape me made my pussy tingle in spite of itself.
Finally I steered him away from the crowds and down a dark alley I knew of.  It was nice and quiet just as I’d hoped.  He knew just what was on my mind, he pushed me against the wall and grabbed my neck while kissing me.  “You know I could do anything I want to you right now,” he growled.
“Yes,” I sighed, already my pussy dripped with arousal.  He kissed me hard.  Despite the fact that we were both living out a fantasy, we felt a little bit nervous and exposed.  Every noise made us worry about being seen or getting caught.  So we walked deeper into the alley and stumbled across a little fenced in atrium.  Chuck wanted to go in but I was still nervous.  “Let’s go in there,” he said.
“I don’t know, the fence kinda makes it look like this would be trespassing,” I hesitated.  Partly because I was afraid of trespassing and partly because I knew he could probably get away with raping me in there.
Eventually he lured me inside and things got really heated.  My memory fails me of every detail, when I get into subspace my mind kind of shuts down and gives way to my body.  We kissed more…he stopped at one point and said, “We haven’t really negotiated this scene so I just want to say that you can safeword at any time…what words do you like to use?”
“The colors are fine,” I managed to pant out.  I was trembling and breathless as he told me what a slut I was and asked me how much I liked to fool around where any body could see us.  He bit me and slapped me, all of which made me crazy.
He pointed to the ground and said, “You’d like it if I tore your clothes off right now and took you right here, wouldn’t you?”
“I can’t…” I stuttered.  He knew I wasn’t on birth control.
“I didn’t say can you, I said you want to don’t you?”
“Yes,” I gulped.
“You’re so wet right now aren’t you?”
“Yes I am.”
He jammed his hand down my skirt and found it to be so true.  He held me up from behind because my legs could barely hold me.  My eyes searched around for a minute to see if someone might be looking before I was to aroused to care.  I clutched him as my clit exploded.  As he continued to work me, I squirted hard.
“Look at you, you’re coming right here in the street where anyone could see you,” Chuck said.  “How many times did you come?”
“Twice,” I said.
“Well those were the only freebies you’re going to get, from now on you have to ask permission, do you understand?”
“Yes, I understand, Sir,” I whispered.
“Not sure if I can get my magic fingers at just the right angle here.”  He managed to work a couple fingers inside me and to my surprise as well, found the g-spot.
Suddenly I became terrified, I can’t control my g-spot orgasms, especially when I am as aroused as I was in that moment.  “No, please,” I begged, “I can’t control them.”  I started struggling, he had told me that he wanted me to fight…I know he must have liked it, knowing I was terrified that he would make me orgasm uncontrollably.  Or maybe he was just looking forward to the punishment.
He was spitting out a tirade of words, telling me what a slut I was and I was loving it.  Then he said, “That’s all you’re good for, a wet whole to be used.”
I pushed my head into his shoulder and whimpered, “No, please don’t say that.”  I really meant it but I was curious what his reaction would be since I hadn’t used the safeword.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “I went to far.”  Since it was our first time playing together I enjoyed seeing his tender side leak through his violent side.  But I made a mental note that if we were going to do the rape scene under NO circumstances should he break “character” unless I safe worded.  At this point I was sure it would be safe to act that out…and I couldn’t wait.
He grabbed me and slammed me back against the fence.  It made a very dramatic noise when my head hit it but it didn’t hurt at all, “I’m so sorry, are you ok?”
I laughed, thinking for a brief moment he felt the fear that he had just accidentally bashed my head in.  I assured him I was ok and we moved on, giggling a bit.
“I was wondering,” I said, “How bad my punishment would be if I grabbed your crotch right now.”
“Why don’t you find out?”
What I really longed to do was drop to my knees and take it in my mouth right that minute but I knew he would not allow that.  So I worked it through his pants until he let me unfasten his belt and touch it with my fingers.  He had worked me into a frenzy on line by telling me that his cock was uncut.  I had only been with one uncircumcised man before and I found it wonderful.  It broke my heart that most American boys were deprived a part of their sexual organs.  He only let me handle it for a few minutes.
The hour was getting late and I knew I had to be getting back.  I said something about it but Chuck had other ideas.  His hand were pinching my nipples and his hand was twisted in my hair, pulling it hard again.  There was no way I was going anywhere.  Next thing I knew, in a flash he had exposed my breasts and I screamed, automatically going to cover them, “Oh no, it’s cold.”  When we first started talking about how he’d like to “force” me to do things and wanted me to struggle, I did not even know if I could do it.  When I get turned on I just want to please and comply.  But clearly knew how to bring it out in me.  I wanted what he was doing but I accessed that part of me that allowed me to struggle.
I wish I could remember more details…every moment was so delicious.  “I’ve never done anything like this before,” he chuckled.
“Neither have I,” I said.
“I thought you said you used to have sex in public all the time,” he said.
“Oh, right…well I haven’t done anything like this since I was a minor,” I corrected.  Those memories of hot teen sex anywhere we could get it were so long gone that it seemed like another person, another lifetime.   And it certainly didn’t have anything to do with BDSM.
We walked back to the car, talking and flirting.  He talked some more about how even though he liked submissive women, the last thing he wanted was for me to lie there and take it.  He wanted to see my spirit, my spunk.
I had wondered before if Jason would want me to struggle.  I think part of him knew if I got too excited, struggled too much I could most likely hurt him…he is strong but I outweigh him.  Chuck, on the other hand, was big enough and strong enough to take me down if I struggled hard.  I still felt comfortable if things got out of hand that I knew enough tricks stop him.  But now I knew that would not be necessary.  He had showed me his D as well as his heart.
When we got to the car, I remember him grabbing my neck, choking me right there on the sidewalk where several people gave us funny looks.  I have expected the police to arrive…I hoped the people who saw us could tell that I was loving every minute of it.  Then he started spanking me.  It stung so well, I knew when he got me alone my ass was going to get it.  I tried to get away from him, working some more on that spirit he wanted to see.
I tried to hug him good bye but he grabbed me and started to pull me away from the car.  “Remember you can safeword at any time,” he said, “Or you can just say, I really have to go.”
“I really have to go,” I said firmly but sadly.  I didn’t want to destroy the chance that I could see him again by getting carried away at our first meeting.

VIDEO (640×480; 52 mb; 1′59”; Xvid; ac3)

So last time out, I had a mild go at Taken in Hand for getting dull and preachy. Gratifyingly a few people have popped up in my email box to quietly agree. I hope it’s obvious that some of this was reflecting my own evolution, me being ‘in a different place’, although I do think, objectively, the site is not what it was.

Anyway in that post I threw out the idea that “discipline, domestic or otherwise, is serious business because it takes us very close to deep parts of the psyche… but somehow I’m moving on from needing it to be so damn wholesome.”

Let me add something to this because, to explain better, it not that the wholesome is to be shrugged off. It is that there is unreconstructed ‘non-wholesomeness’ to be accommodated too.

To explain: I’m in the cohort of ‘Tops’ who are troubled by oppression and inequality. I’m extremely liberal-egalitarian in outlook, including being shocked by violence and troubled by hitting anyone or anything, most of all a woman, which all sits very uneasily with a liberal world view. I would march in the streets against domestic violence. But I’m absolutely hardwired to spank a willing woman’s bottom (and not remotely hardwired for this to be reciprocated.)

So I  seek a framework of justification and integration. For example, I believe that structure is good, in life and in relationships. I believe a big part of what a male contributes to a relationship is to protect and provide, including providing guiding purpose, strength (real strength, not pumped up jerk strength), and authority. I know too that spanking provides intimacy like nothing else. It also provides very hot foreplay. And so on. I know that many men are wired just like me, and women wired the other way — if it’s a fringe world view, which I actually doubt, it is extremely common.

So I can intellectually and morally justify who I am (in this form of my life). That’s the “evolved” part. This accounts for a lot of what goes on on sites like TIH and many other forums — the elaboration of wholesome (aka heavy) justification of the adult M/f spanking relationship by both men and women, showing the many reason why it is functional not dysfunctional, and therefore is moral and good. I agree with the process and most of what is said..

But there is more. The truth will set you free and the truth is that something else seeks release and expresssion — a violent impulse, a sterner persona, a will to overpower, a totally unreconstructed instinct to “own” the woman through her willingly proffered bottom, to lash it, to see it  change shape as a mightly thwack overcomes it, to hear her gasp, to see her wriggle (but remain “as positioned” or else) in an absolute gift of submission.

That was hard to write.

I can justify this: real thrashing is very like ‘wild’ fucking: the deepest test, providing for the most intimacy, the strongest ‘contract’ of dominance and submission. I would add that events should not happen at this level every time, and when it happens I’m super-ultra-careful to use a soft-ish instrument. I have never caused even close to the kind of damage you see on some sites, and never would.

But … this is just justification again, the mental machinations of the wholesome, evolved, gentle spirit, searching for morality. The bald truth is there is a very dominant, testosterone-soaked, very unreconstructed, non-evolved ‘cowboy’ that rides this path at times.

I suppose, as long as this life force can be fruitfully harnessed (more justification, Alex) it’s better that it’s there than not. Welcome to the mysteries of life as a carbon-based biped on a spinning blue-green planet lost in quantum darkness. To life!

But, anyway, this is the ‘badness’ that I’m talking about. The unreconstructed male that shrugs out of the cloak of acceptibility … which causes some, er,  shifting-up of personnell to make space for on the sofa of the liberal-egalitarian framework, I tell ya. I think the only way this integration can occur is through a certain lightness of being — some things cannot and should not be justified, they just ‘are’.

“The BDSM community is only a community in so far as it is a loose grouping of acts that are not seen as standard or vanilla, other than that there is almost infinite variety.” – anonymous lover

Part 3 of Slutty, slutty me!

Much of this blog is dedicated to my self-exploration of my own BDSM desires. The fact is that I don’t know definitively what it is that I want. If I did, then I could define it and set a strategy to get it and go after it. This lack of understanding of what exactly it is that I’m looking for is perhaps the best argument for me to look for a Dom/me so that I can be lead into deeper self-exploration in directions I may not have thought of going on my own.

Sexuality in general is over-defined and under-comprehended in my opinion. If we deal just with BDSM, the variety of interpretations of what Dominance is and is not are vast and varied to me. Some people are sure they have the answers, they have written books, read books, subscribed to theories that they believe in as firmly as any Baptist preacher does his Bible. Me, I recognize that I am still young enough and more importantly impressionable enough for my ideas on what I do and don’t believe to be somewhat fluid and changeable. Which doesn’t mean that I will buy into any old nonsense or that I won’t defend my own opinions or positions such as they currently are.

Still one of the most common questions I get is about what I’m into, people would like me to define myself as a sub, slut, whore… to put me under a label. I understand this as a need to know more about me, but I’m not sure what label(s) fit, so here are my understandings of the various labels and how I think I fit into them.

While there are many more terms here are the few I have chosen:

Bondage & Discipline
Domination & Submission
Sado-Masochism
Slut
Submissive vs. Slave (which I have already addressed here)
Whore
Fetishist
Kinkster

What you will find here is what I am coming to realize is a cross section of the snippets I take from each categorization to form what my ‘brand’ of ideal BDSM is, which may not be BDSM by some people’s definitions but I can find no better word or label. It is too vanilla for some, and too kinky for others.

BONDAGE & DISCIPLINE

I’m actually not quite sure why these two are paired. I suppose to some that shows my naivety. I see them as two separate acts that can go together but don’t necessarily.

I believe bondage can be done in total absence of discipline. To be bound, trapped, immobilized and vulnerable to another human being is in my mind one of the most intense experiences I am seeking. I would be very interested in a Dom/me who wants to explore my growth in this area. I also find the bondage pictures some of the most beautiful in BDSM.

Discipline on the other hand I believe exists with or without bondage. I am not a big fan of what I will call corporal discipline or inflicting pain as a form of punishment. Although I do enjoy light pain to heighten sensitivity and tactile pleasure during sex. Even less attractive to me is sexual abstinence discipline. Safe to say I have none, and I have no desire to develop it.

Where I do like elements of discipline are in the task & obedience realm. I am however quite specific about this. I like it in the terms of role play, in the bedroom play, and general foreplay to create a mood. Some of the behaviour discipline that involves long term commitment to seemingly random rules I have no interest in. I’m not about to alter my sex life with my partner, start doing things at work I don’t already do or commit to a daily regiment for your enjoyment. This is after all still my life. I don’t believe these types of regiments are discipline so much being disciplined which I believe is a deeper form of submission or slavery than I am interested in experiencing.

DOMINATION & SUBMISSION

I believe this D/s relationship exists on the premise of surrendering one’s choice, will, and agency to another. It can be done in different degrees of physical, mental and emotional experience.

I believe I am a dominant personality who wants to experience what it feels like to submit. That being said, I’m choosy about who I think is worth submitting to, which is dominant in itself. This means that a Dom/me who is interested in me needs to be self-secure enough to have his or her Domination judged next to others and will be confident enough that if he or she is to Dominate me that I will be their natural choice and that should I not choose them it will not diminish their own self worth or image.

I do eventually want to dominate other people. Most of my fantasies around being dominant involve setting tasks and instructing others in humiliation of third parties. The fact that my domination fantasies are somewhat limited is one of the reasons I want to expand my scope as a sub to understand how a domination experience grows from ‘do the dishes’ to ‘cum in her mouth when I say’.

On the submissive side I’m interested in things that evoke a power exchange. I want the power exchange to be overt. Either by physical force or bait manipulation. There are lots of interests to bait me with, new scenes, costumes, locations, sensations, toys… What I am not interested in is convincing a Dom/me of what a “good sub” I can be by simply laying down at my masters feet and trying to please him.

In fact, I’m quite a bad sub. I have little interest in pleasing my ‘master’ unless I’m going to get something out if it. Yes, I’m a selfish little slut at the core. I have two dogs, one is a Sheppard and is always by my side and genuinely looks worried anytime he does something bad. The other is a Beagle who will do anything in the world to get food, and only looks sorry he was caught in the act of doing something bad rather than the behaviour. I’m much more like the Beagle.

Trying to bait me by asking me to tell you why I would make a ‘good sub’ and why you should choose me will simply get you the answer that you should not choose me if you are looking for a good sub. I’m looking for someone who enjoys making someone submissive, not someone who enjoys someone who is actually submissive. You’ll be terribly disappointed in me in such a case.

SADO-MASOCHISM

The enjoyment of hurting someone or being hurt. Safe to say I don’t really fall into this category except in the shallowest end. I will tolerate being spanked, slapped and pinched because I think it makes my body more sensitive and that is more enjoyable during sex. I get no pleasure from pain.

I do like to be handled ‘roughly’ which I interpret to mean I prefer to be grabbed and ridden hard rather than sweetly caressed, soothed and gently made love to.

SLUT

There is a lot of discussion on fetlife on what is and is not a slut. Many women defend the position that a person can be a monogamous slut. While I won’t judge publicly on the boards I don’t share this opinion.

In my opinion a slut is not only a woman (or man) who enjoys sex, and lots of sex, but also enjoys that sex – that lots of sex – with many different partners. Sluts, while they may have some standards generally have less barriers to entry (pun intended) than other ‘non-sluts’. While I do have some physical hang ups I generally will fuck a 180 lb person as soon as a 250 lb person. I enjoy many different shapes, sizes and sexes. I am not reserved about taking off my clothes in front of a stranger or about having sex with a stranger.

My filters are generally around safety concerns. That ever so hard to quantify ‘good-feeling’ vs. ‘bad-feeling’. Or age – I’m not big on younger men. Or physical compatibility – I want a man who I know can physically match me, which I don’t think a 120 lb (or even 140 lb) man could do.

Aside from that I have preferences but I’m generally game to fuck whomever if I have the time and energy given the demands of my vanilla life.

SUBMISSIVE VS. SLAVE

See this post

WHORE

I see a whore as different than a slave, although I do know it is common for slaves to be whored out, part of the ‘total submission experience’.

Whoring is a fantasy of mine. It’s not yet very evolved in my mind, if I want someone to whore me out, who gets the money, is it for money or other valuations, do I whore out myself as an independent, do I go as far as trying to get a review on one of the escort sites, are there still brothels that would take a guest whore?

The major issue of course with whoring is safety…. But then, how much safer am I doing what I do now? I think the difference largely is expectations. Without money or an exchange of some value involved the other person is an equal and will chalk it up to ‘not working out’. As soon as the offer of whoring is issued then there is an expectation of desire met.

FETISHIST

Some of the lifestylers I’ve met would classify me as a fetishist rather than a BDSM person. They use this because (from what I can gather) they see fetishists as people who are otherwise vanilla except for a fetish kink. Or as one person put it fetishists do stuff that vanilla people think is kinky.

Although I do enjoy a wide array of fetishes, I don’t think I am a fetishist for one simple reason. That is, most fetishists I’ve met are very fixated on their personal fetish, an encounter would be incomplete for them if it did not include their fetish. And, some are simply satisfied to do their fetish without any other interaction.

If I do have a fetish it is simply fucking. I love to be fucked. That’s it.

Of the fetishes I’ve encountered here are some I enjoy: roleplay, heels, stockings, lingerie, corsets, being bathed, spanking, body painting, being watched, watching, threesomes, group play, anonymous sex, oral sex (giving), costumes, forced nudity (to a degree), bondage…

I’m sure there are more, if you are curious ask.

Here are some that I am definitely NOT into: children, animals, blood, welts, bruising, needles, medical play, cutting, piercing, scat, pee (watersports), slavery…

KINKSTER

I find myself gravitating to this label as I go through this search. I am not a ‘true submissive’, I am admittedly dabbling, I enjoy acts of fetishism more than acts of sado-masochism, but I like my acts of fetishism to be spattered with some power-shifting Domination and Submission, I have no particular fetish but I’m open to trying many and I have some fantasies that fall clearly in the BDSM categories like bondage, spanking and whoring (not to mention rape). In short I’m a slut to variety.

I think the draw-back of Kinkster seems to be an association with very mild vanilla + behaviour. The type of person who would wear the stockings and heels but the collar may be too much.

I could be off base on that assumption? What are your thoughts? What kind of sub am I?

Donatien-Alphonse-François (abrégé D.A.F.) de Sade, plus connu dans ce temps-ci comme le marquis de Sade, est né le 2 juin, 1740 à Paris. Ses parents étaient Marie-Eléonore de Maillé de Carman et Comte Jean-Baptiste François Joseph de Sade. Il appartenait à une famille très importante du temps de Provence. Un de ses ancêtres était Laure de Noves, la femme qui a inspiré à Pétrarque, et il était apparenté par sa mère à la famille Bourbon. Son rapport avec ses parents était distant, son père le Comte étant toujours loin de la famille à cause des affaires et sa mère n’ayant pas simplement l’intérêt d’avoir une relation avec son fils. D’un âge très jeune, il paraît que de Sade était exposé aux choses qui ressembleraient le libertinisme radicale qui est surabondant dans ses œuvres. À l’âge de quatre ans, il a envoyé à Ebreuil au soin de son oncle, l’Abbé François de Sade, qui, selon Geoffrey Gorer, biographe de de Sade, « hardly bothered to disguise the fact that he had a mother and daughter as contemporary mistresses ».1 Il vivait ainsi jusqu’à 1750 quand, à l’âge de dix ans, il a commencé d’assister Louis-le-Grand, un lycée jésuite, à Paris. Au commencement de la guerre de Sept Ans en 1754, de Sade a joint la cavalerie, montant au rang de capitaine à l’âge de dix-neuf ans. Sa jeunesse n’était pas très extraordinaire ou diffèrent qu’un jeune homme né à la noblesse du XVIIIe siècle.
Cependant, ses mésaventures (lesquelles qui sont inscrites pour la postérité), et sa réputation de désordre, ont commencé quatre mois après son mariage à Claude-Renée Cordier de Launay, alias Renée-Pélagie de Montreuil,2 une femme avec qui de Sade avait une relation très distante. De Sade était un personnage très connu autour des maisons closes de Paris pour son patronage de prostituées, mais, après les plaintes de plusieurs d’eux envers sa conduite, il a incarcéré pour deux semaines en octobre 1763 pour « scandalous debauchery »3 et banni de Paris pour un an, une peine légère grâce à sa haute noblesse et les demandes de sa belle-mère, la Madame de Montreuil.4 En 1767, après la mort de son père, de Sade est devenu officiellement le Marquis de Sade.
Le matin de Pâques, 1768, l’affaire Keller s’est réalisée. Avant ce jour-là, la réputation du Marquis était quelque chose de discussion dans les salons, mais après, de Sade a transformé dans les yeux de société comme une sorte de diable blasphémateur cherchant les faibles pour les violer physiquement et spirituellement. Le vrai de cette situation peut-être perdu à l’histoire à cause d’une hystérie qui l’a suivie,5 mais il y a quelques choses qui sont certaines. Le matin de Pâques, de Sade s’est adressé à une veuve, qui s’est appelée Rose Keller, au sujet de quelques travaux ménagers avec l’intention de l’amener a sa maison d’Acreuil. En ce lieu, il l’est enfermée dans une chambre à coucher pour quelques heures et puis l’a fouettée, réalisant « small superficial circular skin abrasions ».6 Pour ça de Sade a incarcéré au château de Saumur et puis à Pierre-Scise pour six mois, encore grâce à la position de faveur de la Madame de Montreuil qui a voulu le rendre à la justice du roi et pas à la cour commune pour mieux supprimer le scandale. Après sa peine, de Sade a ressorti dans le soin de sa femme et ordonné de ne pas sortir de son château de La Coste. Les quatre années prochaines étaient vécues calmement. Pour la plupart, il suivait les souhaites de la cour et dépensait son temps à La Coste, réalisant les fêtes et suivant sa passion pour le théâtre amateur.
Puis en 1772, de Sade s’est impliqué dans l’affaire de Marseille. Là, il et son valet, Latour, cherchaient quatre prostituées. Après ayant actualisé une orgie avec eux et son valet, de Sade leur a offert aux filles des chocolats à la cantharide, un aphrodisiaque, mais aussi un irritant léger pour le ventre. Après elles se sont tombées malades, deux des filles se sont allées aux autorités disant qu’elles avaient été empoisonnées par de Sade. Le parlement de Provence a trouvé de Sade et Latour coupables pour l’empoisonnement et la sodomie et les a condamnés à mort. De Sade, Latour et la sœur de sa femme se sont enfuis à l’Italie. Cependant, même qu’ils se sont enfuis, l’exécution de Latour et de Sade s’est fait par effigie considérant leur absence. Encore, le public a exagéré les faits de l’affaire de Marseille, d’en parlant « as though it were a gigantic orgy, in the course of which Sade poisoned hundreds, including his own wife ».7
De cette escapade, de Sade était éventuellement rendu aux autorités et incarcéré au fort de Miolans à la fin de 1772. Madame de Sade lui a aidé d’échapper quatre moins prochains et c’est de ce moment-là que de Sade était libre, mais toujours caché, jusqu’à 1777. Son temps de liberté l’a rendu l’opportunité d’avoir les servants jeunes à La Coste desquels il abusait et un autre séjour à l’Italie où il a écrit Voyage d’Italie. En 1777, le père d’une servante est venu à La Coste pour sauver sa fille de la maltraitance du marquis, mais, quand il a essayé de fusiller de Sade, la pistole a fait long feu. Pendant ce temps, le cherche pour de Sade par les forces du roi continuait. C’était à la fin de 1777, quand de Sade s’est amené à voir sa mère mourant par la ruse de Madame de Montreuil qui, inconnu à lui, été déjà morte, que les forces royales l’a ramené enfin à château de Vincennes. Après un autre échappe et reprise, de Sade été envoyé à la Bastille en 1784 quand Vincennes été fermé. C’était ici à la Bastille où de Sade a pris son rôle dans la Révolution française quand, le 2 juillet 1789, il a crié de sa fenêtre qu’ils étaient tué les prisonniers dedans la Bastille et il fallait que les peuples allassent à leur secours. Pour ça il s’est emmené à l’asile de Charenton.
Après l’institution du gouvernement révolutionnaire, de Sade s’est libéré. Juste après sa libération, Madame de Sade l’a divorcé et il a rencontré à Marie-Constance Quesnet, qui restait avec lui la reste de sa vie. Pendant ce temps, il faisait partie de la Convention, écrivant les pamphlets, mais il s’est emprisonné encore en 1793 pendant la Terreur pour presque un an pour étant modéré. Après la Terreur, il s’est libéré encore pour le reste des temps du gouvernement révolutionnaire. C’était pendant la liberté d’expression partiale de la Révolution que la plupart de ses œuvres s’étaient publié quoique anonymat. Cependant, quand Bonaparte a mis contrôle, son dégoût de Justine et Juliette l’a mis dans prison encore une fois. De Sade vivait les restes de ses jours de 1801 jusqu’à sa mort en 1814 un prisonnier.
Pendant son emprisonnement de trente-deux ans de sa vie dans asiles et châteaux variés, de Sade écrivait profondément. Aux lecteurs modernes, cependant, il y a qu’une petite partie de ses œuvres qui survivent jusqu’aujourd’hui, la plupart desquelles incomplètes et compilées après sa mort. Il a écrit romans, pièces de théâtre, poésie, essais, pamphlets, contes philosophiques, et contes de fabliaux.8 Effectivement, c’est difficile à mentionner un genre duquel de Sade n’essayait pas à écrire aux degrés variés de réussi et considération. David Coward mentionne que de Sade « began to make his name as a playwright … he also plied his pen to pass the weary prison days … [et] after 1791, he wrote at least in part for money ».9 Presque ignoré dans sa vie comme écrivain de valoir, la littérature de Sade est toujours une chose de scandale même qu’il est considéré aujourd’hui comme un figure important dans l’histoire littéraire française, occupant la même stature de ses contemporaines Lumières comme Voltaire et Rousseau.10
Peut-être la raison pour le cloître de Sade est parce qu’il engendre une philosophie qui soutient la violence et dominance comme choses neutres dans un monde où Nature conduit tout. De Sade n’est pas très diffèrent aux autres matérialistes de la Lumière qui ont dit que « all life is molecular ».11 Divergeant de ses contemporaines matérialistes, cependant, de Sade utilise ce raisonnement pour justifier le détruit de toutes morales, les voyant comme une construction sociale fait de la nécessité d’arrêter la progression naturelle de l’avancement des forts sur les faibles. Ces idées « allowed Sade to defend sodomy, cannibalism, necrophilia, torture and every form of cruelty ».11 12 Sa philosophie est bien exemplifiée dans ces romans, essentiellement les histoires de Justine et Juliette où les protagonistes sont plusieurs fois violées, battues, fouettées et torturées d’autres manières pornographiques et toujours imaginatives. F. Gonzalez-Crussi argue que, dans ces histoires, l’intrigue ne vaut rien, mais qu’ils sont la « bold contention that all our noble impulses are a hoax, and cruelty the only abiding reality of the human condition ».13 Surtout, dans sa philosophie, de Sade fait l’argument encore et toujours que « the fundamental relationship between human being is not one subordinate to a higher, supra-individual value, but purely and simply this one : violence and cruelty ».13
Sa philosophie avilie pour la plupart aujourd’hui, de Sade continue d’être plus d’une force après sa mort que pendant sa vie. Les surréalistes dans les ans 1920 « took to him as an iconoclast » de leur art, Apollonaire disant de lui qu’il est « l’esprit le plus libre ». Avant ça, dans les ans 1840, il devinait « a uniquely chronicled case-history » des psycho-pathologistes et occupe « as much a place in the annals of psychopathology as in the history of litterature ». C’est grâce à ceux hommes-ci que nous avons le terme sadisme pour décrire la recherche de plaisir dans la souffrance des autres. En 1957, Jean-Jacques Pauvert a été trouvé coupable et pénalisé pour la publication d’une œuvre de Sade, et même en 1991, Moyra Bremmer a essayé à tirer la maison d’édition Arrow à la cour pour la publication d’une traduction de Juliette.14 Il y a même un groupe rock de France qui s’appelle « Marquis de Sade ». Tous une preuve que la vie, la philosophie et les œuvres du marquis de Sade sont toujours parties de la culture et cercles académiques d’aujourd’hui.

Des notes et citations :
1. Gorer, Geoffrey. The Life and Ideas of the Marquis de Sade. 1962. Norton. p.22.
2. Gorer, Geoffrey. The Life and Ideas of the Marquis de Sade. 1962.Norton. p.24. Gorer fait allusion à la femme du marquis de Sade comme « Claude-Renée Cordier de Launay », tandis que Love, Brenda. The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices. 2002. UK: Abacus. pp. p145. rend son nom « Renée-Pélagie de Montreuil ».
3. Gorer, Geoffrey. The Life and Ideas of the Marquis de Sade. 1962. Norton. p.24.
4. Mme. de Montreuil est une figure importante dans la vie du marquis de Sade, plusieurs fois conduisant ses emprisonnements et délivrances. Pour un aperçu plus clair de son rôle dans la vie du marquis de Sade, lire la première section de The Life and Ideas of the Marquis de Sade de Geoffrey Gorer.
5. On peut lire une lettre de Mme. du Deffand à Horace Walpole, daté le 12 avril 1768, comme exemple de ça à http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marquis_de_sade#cite_note-9
6. Gorer, Geoffrey. The Life and Ideas of the Marquis de Sade. 1962. Norton. p.29. Cette citation est la traduction des notes du médecin qui a examiné Rose Keller pour vérifier l’ampleur de ses blessures fait par le marquis de Sade.
7. Coward, David. “Down with Sade?” Paragraph. 23.1 (March 2000). p.9.
8. Pour une bibliographie complète des œuvres du marquis de Sade, voir http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bibliography_of_the_Marquis_de_Sade
9. Coward, David. “Down with Sade?” Paragraph. 23.1 (March 2000). p.6.
10. Coward, David. “Down with Sade?” Paragraph. 23.1 (March 2000). p.10. Il fait allusion ici à la Bibliothèque de la Pléiade qui est une des collections majeures de l’édition française, publiée par Gallimard. Elle constitue une référence en matière de prestige, de qualité rédactionnelle, et de reconnaissance littéraire des auteurs. Être publié dans l’édition de la Pléiade représente une sorte d’intemporalité pour leurs auteurs.
11. Coward, David. “Down with Sade?” Paragraph. 23.1 (March 2000). p.7.
12. O’Neil, John C. “Sade’s Justine: A Response to the Englightenment’s Poetics of Confusion” Eighteenth-Century Fiction. 21.3 (Spring 2009). fait aussi des juxtapositions entre de Sade et les autres philosophes Lumières et puis décrit la philosophie du marquis de Sade dans une contexte des idées du temps.
13. F. Gonzalez-Crussi. “The Dangerous Marquis de Sade.” New York Times Book Review (1988): 1. Academic Search Complete. EBSCO. Web. 15 Nov. 2009.
14. Coward, David. “Down with Sade?” Paragraph. 23.1 (March 2000). pp.10-12.

I keep getting this question. From my Master, from white men and occasionally from the men I talk to. Why do I want to be with a black man?

First, let me address something. I am in a stable, healthy relationship. We don’t fight or fuss at each other. We aren’t dissatisfied with our sex life. If anything since they hysterectomy it’s gotten even more fantastic. He is not looking to dump me on someone else. I’m not looking for someone else to take over as Master or boyfriend or sugar daddy. He is not forcing me to do this. It’s my fantasy as much if not more so than his. We are a normal couple who just happen to have a little kinkiness to us.

It does have something to do with the contrast of skin colors. Black and white are always a beautiful combination. It does have something to do with having something I never have before. I’ve been with white, Native Alaskan, Hispanic but never with a black man. There’s a little bit of the size factor in there as well. Most black men are simply bigger than most the white men I have been with.

Mostly, for me, it is about being with someone who instead of denying the things that I fantasize about or belittling me for wanting to try something new, encourages me to get out there and try things that look interesting to me but maybe I’m a little afraid to try. I am a little timid sometimes. Due mostly to not so positive life experiences I suppose.

I think it is like being a little girl walking with Daddy down the street and seeing a beautiful doll in a store window. I look up at him with the question in my eyes. Afraid to ask in case he says no but feeling deep inside that I need to have it. And instead of telling me no he takes my hand and enters the store with me. Inside I discover all sorts of beautiful dolls and while each is amazing in it’s own way, I am drawn back, again and again, to the one in the window.

I think my fantasies are like the dolls. Each one beautiful and I know they will be fun and provide hours of entertainment but there is one that draws me over and over and that is being with a black man.

I don’t expect people to understand my fascination. I don’t fully understand it myself but it’s there.

Conversations stay in my mind long after the person I had them with has left me.

Here’s an interesting thought brought about by a conversation with a very nice Dom earlier this morning.

Does a Dominant have to automatically punish a submissive?

Perhaps she is a careful sub who does her best at all times so there is no need for more than a warning or verbal (or non-verbal) punishment for her to understand she has transgressed and therefore should change her behavior.

Does it make her a doormat if she is perceptive enough to understand when she has stepped out of line and work toward changing the offending behavior?

Perhaps if her needs and opinions on things are being ignored that might be the case but if she is a quick study and is desirous of being the best possible submissive she can be then I can’t see that her changing unwanted behaviors would lead her to being a doormat.

So, I can’t see a need for physical punishments if she is truly doing her best. Now if the submissive becomes lazy and takes for granted her Dominant’s authority in her life and begins to become careless then yes I could see a need for punishments. However, if, as I understand submission, one is the property of a Dominant then it is up to the Dominant to find ways of correcting the behavior without needing to resort to punishment.

Would you whip your car if it ran out of gas? Or perhaps flog the toaster because it refused to toast your bread just so any more?

I would like to think that instead of instantly punishing transgressions a Dominant would take the time to find out the problem.

Or is this simply something that the submissive should work on once the Dominant has pointed out the fault?

But then perhaps almost 6 am is too late or too early for such thoughts and I should haul my booty off to bed.