In case you should ever find yourself in a McDonald’s restroom and you need to become hooch-ified in order to lure 40 year old men into your life, these tips will help you stay as classy as me!  We learned these things (and so much more) while getting ready for DDUB’s IGOTIT party somewhere in the middle of nowhere Ohio.

1.  Things work out best if there is a diaper changing station in the bathroom.  Use it as a shelf for the purses, shopping bags, duffel bags and makeup bags. 

2.  Be open to meeting new people.  Apparently locals and fellow travelers become very social when you are in various stages of dress in a public place.  If you know other languages, that also comes in handy because that way you know if your fellow potty-goers are calling you awful names and making fun of the three white girls attaching their fake hair in public.

3.  Febreeze is a good idea to have at all times.  The bathrooms might not smell funky at first but after a while, the yuck begins to take over.  Other potty people might not help that cause. 

4.  Try to condense your ‘work-space’ enough to leave one sink available for others.  The cast of the Lion King gets grumpy when they can’t wash their hands….. At least I think that’s what they were saying.

5.  While mixing alcoholic victory beverages in the parking lot, try not to step on the lid of the alcohol bottle. It’s hard to put back on that way.  Also, keep the hairspray in the driver’s cupholder instead of the already mixed victory beverage. 

6.  Expect the stares you will get on the way out.  You walked in with hair above your shoulders, sweats, no makeup and glasses.  Now, you’re leaving with hair halfway down your back, more makeup than Mimi on Drew Carey and painted on crocodile pants with hooker boots.  People will watch.  Even wierdo’s from Ohio.

It’s been quite a while but the time has arrived for my post about DDUB’s ”I Got It” release party.  This is the story of why (and how) I managed to drive 600 miles in one day, party with DDUB, meet the cast of The Lion King and, get back to Pittsburgh in one piece.

When Donnie Wahlberg released the dates of his IGOTIT parties, Columbus Ohio seemed too close to ignore.  We decided that we had to go for it and we even managed to convince Maria to go!  At first I did not realize that Columbus was 3 1/2 hours away from Pittsburgh but it really didn’t matter, a mid-week trip to see Donnie is ALWAYS a good idea!

The itinerary was confusing, the day was going to push me and we were excited.  The first step was driving to Grove City to pick Maria up.   69 miles Then back to Pittsburgh to pick up Lauren and the essential Turners beverages.  69 miles

Loading the car with booze, iced tea, fake hair, stilettos, CD’s and makeup.  Phone call from Mom to inform me that Dad was cutting the grass.  (Clearly vital information that I needed to know while on my trip.)  Then we were ready to drive from Pittsburgh to Columbus!  185 miles. 

Things started out well.  Frankenstein was using his scary boney hand and pointing us in the right direction.  We had NKOTB on the stereo.  We had more jewelry than Mr T or Joey McIntyre.  It was a nice drive.  Good scenery. 

We made it quickly through West Virginia and into the state I wish we could give back to whoever we stole it from.  I’m even willing to throw New Jersey in for a buy one get one deal.  Countries interested, please inquire within.  Anywho, I had already been driving for hours on end and things were getting more rural by the minute. 

Eventually I stopped rapping to Nelly and pulled over for gas in the middle of Swaboda, Ohio.  Not really sure what the name of that crazy little dusty town was but there were strange large trucks in a truckstop. I didn’t want to stay there too long.  However, while Maria was buying fried chicken at the register inside, we found out that the next exit was fully stocked with McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Subway and any other non-horror movie restaurant that you could think of. 

So we packed up our wagons and moved on down the road to the next stop.  Judging by our mileage we knew we were pretty close to Columbus and we thought it best to get ready at McDonald’s instead of in my car in a parking garage.  We scarfed some food, lugged our bags inside and prepared ourselves for meeting Donnie.  (Read: Tips for Getting Hooch-ified in a McDonald’s)  We premixed our victory drinks and loaded back up.

Finally we were on the last leg of the journey and we were bound for Columbus.  For one reason or another, Frankenstein aka Nora the Explorer aka our GPS system did not believe that Sugar Bar existed.  Nor did the street it was on according to FranoraGPS.  So now, I was mapquesting the directions from my Blackberry while driving in the dark, in a place I’ve never been before. 

Once into the city (and after taking a side trip to the White Castle headquarters) we quickly found the line of people standing outside and then scrambled for a parking spot. I found a parking garage and whipped the Buick into the first available spot.  Then it was time to finish our makeup, spray the perfume and down the beverages. 

After that much travel, apparently my sense of direction disappears and we started to walk the opposite direction in search of warmth and the Sugar Bar.  I should have brought backup shoes because the 4 inch shoes I packed were not cooperating.  Three sips into my adult beverage I fell and managed to rip the hole in my preripped jeans and scrape my knee.  Luckily I was too cold to feel pain. 

Then we asked a cab driver for directions to the bar, he provided them without ever looking away from Maria’s chest.  We retreated to the correct location and got our spots in line. 

Since this blog is turning into a massive book, I’ll summarize the driving part by saying that we stayed at the Sugar Bar until around 1 when my feet were numb and my hair was a matted disaster.  Then we hoped into the car and headed back immediately. 

There was no stopping on the way home.  We had gas, food was overrated and the roads were clear.  The music was blasting, our bladders were exploding and I managed to be back in my bed 23 hours after I had left and 10 minutes before my alarm went off.  I then got back into my car and drove over my alarm until it was nothing but tiny, tiny pieces of plastic under my tires.  185 miles

The DDUB details follow in other posts…..

courtesy accesshollywood

It might surprise some of you that we here at Celebrity Exile don’t always banish evildoers to the island.  No, we also provide a public service, providing warnings to those who are on the dark path.

The path to The Island.

We call this Timeout Island: a last chance to fix things before permanent exile.  And Robert and Al are two men that desperately need a timeout.  This realization dawned on me when watching the truly horrific 2008 release Righteous Kill; a movie that we currently have a challenge for:  If you can watch the entire thing without turning it off, you lose. 

Limejuiceboy and I tried the Righteous Kill Challenge once.  I dare you all to do the same.  Sounds easy, I know, but it’s not.  Dear Lord in Heaven it is NOT.  To try to describe the many reasons why would be useless.  Let’s just say that about 50 minutes in, the Limejuiceboy turned to me, ashen and fragile of spirit, suggesting I turn it off.  There was a small measure of panic behind his eyes but my case of Righteous Kill-itis was not as pronounced, so I rejected the offer.  We only had 40 minutes left!  Surely we would make it to the end (not that I cared about the ending.  I just wanted to win the challenge). 

Wrong.  Ten minutes later, with only seconds before the one hour mark, he begged me to shut it off.  Begged me.  Seeing him in this broken-down state made me realize it was killing him.  Literally.  He looked like poor Donovan after sipping from the wrong grail.  He had no strength left.  He just wanted to live.  Thank god Patrick Swayze (rest in peace my friend) was on basic cable to revive him.  And me too.  It was like a warm soothing presence swept through the room that dark n’ stormy night.  The dark spirits were banished.  We were born anew.

Common sense might tell you that two actors of such repute would lift such a drab movie above the gutter, but that just wasn’t the case with Righteous Kill.

The sad truth is that Al Pacino has turned into a caricature of himself.  Yelling, flailing his arms, doing that eye thing he does…  You’ve seen it before.  Many times.  And now it’s ten times worse.  He’s not acting anymore.  He’s just being himself.  And himself is bugnuts.

And what about De Niro?  He’s still good, right?  No, he’s Frankenstein now (Branagh was really onto something there).  He can’t move.  He can’t emote.  And he most certainly cannot act anymore.  There’s just nothing left.  It’s like watching your grandfather trying, and failing, to get up from the dinner table.  It’s just sad.

So, guys, please stop listening to your agents.  You are ruining your reputations.  You were just out-acted by 50 Cent and Donnie Freaking Wahlberg!  And Analyze That, Meet the Fockers, Gigli..?  These movies are terrible!  Neither one of you has made a good one since the late nineties!  Please, find new agents or stay home.  I don’t want to see you like this.  No one does.  You owe it to yourselves to think about what you’ve done and make a decision. 

Take a timeout.  Limejuiceboy’s life depends on it.

–Cap’n Blackjack

In the past I have been accused of always picking on Ticketmaster when it comes to ticketing issues.  This is not true at all.  I am an equal opportunity offender.  If an issue rears its ugly head, I believe we as an industry should bring it up and discuss it.  Today’s blog post is not about Ticketmaster.  Today I am picking on a ticket broker. 

Unless you live in the Boston market, you may not have heard about the ticket fiasco between Ace Tickets and New Kids on the Block.  The New Kids are doing a fundraiser at the Boston House of Blues for Toys for Tots.  Proceeds from ticket sales are going to the charity.  Somehow Ace has lots of tickets selling on their website for as much as $300 per ticket.  The actual cost of the tickets is $60 each. Donnie Wahlberg from the band announced his disgust that ticket brokers were scooping up all the tickets for a fundraiser.  Ace released an apology and said they would give their profits from the sale of tickets to the charity.  Ace claimed they didn’t know it was a fundraiser.

Here are my questions:

1. How did Ace not know this was a fundraiser?  If you are going to be in the ticket selling business, don’t you need to know what you are selling?
2. How did Ace get the tickets in the first place?  I thought Live Nation and Ticketmaster (not picking on TM) have technology in place to prevent this from happening? If so, who gave Ace the tickets? Was it the venue, band, promoter, etc…?
3. Once Ace realized their mistake, why didn’t they give back all the unsold seats?

As an industry, we need to stop all this crap and start marketing and selling tickets in a correct way so that our customers will want to buy our seats. The blame is industry wide.  This goes from the agents & managers, to the acts, promoters, venues, and ticket agencies. Our customers are starting to look at us as not a legit business. We are better then all this. We are not the Wild Wild West.

Sfida senza regole – Righteous Kill è un film del 2008 diretto da Jon Avnet, e interpretato da Robert De Niro e Al Pacino. Righteous Kill dispone anche di John Leguizamo, Carla Gugino, Donnie Wahlberg, Brian Dennehy, e Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson.

Leggi altre notizie su: | Jon Avnet | Robert De Niro | Al Pacino | Donnie Wahlberg

Well, Donnie Walhberg has done it again!  I’m going to Ohio for the second time to go see him…. I really don’t like Ohio, but for him, I’ll go!!

Columbus is the second stop on the I GOT IT release party tour.  Donnie promises a good time and I KNOW he will come through!  Unfortunately DWAir is not flying through Pittsburgh so we’re going to make the 3 1/2 hour drive out to Columbus (on a Wednesday) to party like rockstars with DDUB himself.

I’ve seen a couple videos from his first party in Toronto and I can’t wait to see what he’s got in store for us in Columbus.  All I know so far is that we’re headed to Sugar Bar and the doors open at 8.  Trust me, the planning is already underway!  Donnie is bringing a special guest, Aubrey O’Day to the show and her wardrobe will be hard to compete with I’m sure!  But never underestimate the girls from the ‘burgh!  Fake hair, hooker boots and boobs are sure to be out in full force!

Updates to come!

Today has been a day that most people would call a waste….

I on the other hand think we have worked hard today and I hope it will pay off in the morning.

The long story short is that I have spent nearly all day today tweeting Donnie Wahlberg and trying to get him to agree to call B94 (my favorite local radio station) and in turn B94 will play his first solo release “I Got It.” 

I’m not exactly sure how many tweets I have sent today or how many times my tweets have been re-tweeted but I know my fingers feel the burn!  I also know that I made a deal with Buckhead and Bubba from the B94 morning show and if Donnie Wahlberg calls in between 8am and 10am, they WILL play the song.  Yep, I made that deal live on the air this morning.

So anyone reading this who has a Twitter account, tweet @DonnieWahlberg and ask him to call 412 333 9494 at 8am est tomorrow, October 28th.

Let’s Get This!

Saw IV è un film horror del 2007 diretto da Darren Lynn Bousman. Il film ha debuttato il 26 ottobre 2007 negli USA, mentre in Italia è uscito il 30 aprile 2008.

Leggi altre notizie su: | Horror | Thriller | Darren Lynn Bousman | Tobin Bell | Shawnee Smith | Donnie Wahlberg

Saw II – La soluzione dell’enigma è un film thriller-horror statunitense del 2005, diretto da Darren Lynn Bousman, sequel, ad un anno di distanza, del fortunato Saw – L’enigmista.

Leggi altre notizie su: | Horror | Thriller | Darren Lynn Bousman | Donnie Wahlberg | Shawnee Smith | Tobin Bell

……………for waffles…. & grits!

When we finally got into the WH, there were very few fans and I can just about garuntee that NONE of them were as sure as us that NKOTB were actually coming. There were two older men sitting in a booth and they started asking us what was going on and why we were all there. I ordered a chocolate chip waffle but I literally only ate 1/4 of it because my nerves were already shot at that point.

Then, they guys started to make fun of the NKOTB and instead of arguing with them, I decided ignoring them was the best idea…. (Not real sure how I managed to take the high road for once.) We kept twittering JK and he assured us that they would be there VERY SHORTLY.

After we had been there a while, we suddenly saw several tour buses pulling into the parking lot next to the WH. The population of the WH suddenly exploded and there were now about 35 screaming women waiting for what seeemed like forever until the guys got off of the buses. A couple JBWKZ came in first and unfortunately not too many people noticed them. But I said “Hi” and told them they are amazing, even more so close up.

Donnie must have been looking in the wrong direction or something because he tweeted that there didn’t look like anyone was at the WH and he figured it would be a quiet night. He was freakin WRONG!

In true Pittsburgh fashion, with red plastic cups, Donnie, Danny and JK came walking across the parking lot and into the WH. YouTube is full of videos of them coming in that the people who were with them shot. From the moment they walked into the WH, the party was on!

“When I say Waffle, you say house!”……”when I say grits, you say cheese!”

At this point, the people who work with the New Kids and the New Kids kids were tucked safely into the corder and Donnie, Jordan and Danny were now standing in the booths, ontop of the counters and filming all of us filming them. Then God Bless whoever had the idea to bring a radio into the WH….

Donnie started the music and before we knew it, there was a whole new concert going on. Donnie was playing DJ…..Jordan was jumping around on both sides of the counters filming the fans and the WH employees…. Danny didn’t have enough room to break dance so he watched the kids and probably ordered them something healthy to eat. Joey and Jon must be alittle too reserved for the WH gatherings.

I don’t know if the guys intended on playing so much music but after Click, Click, Click Donnie realized that we were not going to let them just sit down and eat. At this point people were standing all over the chairs, the booths, the counters and the tables. Donnie asked what we wanted to hear next…..the general consensus was Dirty Dancing or Sexify My Love. But Ddub had other ideas. So we sang Dirty Waffles and Sexify My Grits.

At some point in this crazyness I took my phone out to call Maria again and saw that Jon had tweeted and I literally laughed out loud and wished that Jon was in the WH too. He said something along the lines of: “If I didn’t see it for myself I would never believe that Ddub, Danny and JK have girls dancing on tables inside a Waffle House.” Hilarious!! I heart Jon.

There was a breif point where the guys sat down and scarfed some food quickly. The music never stopped however and we actually became the ones giving them the concert. After eating some food, the guys started to enjoy the crowd again. Danny stayed pretty much in the corner with the kids but Ddub and JK were all over. They were walking through the crowd and shaking hands and taking pictures with everyone.

And of course JK recognized “Legs” and had to wipe the sweat off his forehead when he recognized her. The mini concert probably lasted about an hour until the guys invited all of us to follow them to Jones Beach for the next show. If I wasn’t afraid of running out of vacation time, I probably would have followed them and enjoyed that show too!

By the time they left, Lauren and I had each gotten a picture with JK and I got mine with Donnie. He also complemeted Lauren’s shirt and hugged her after she took our picture. Little jealous. Hahaha.

This is by far the longest post ever so all the other side notes will just be coming in their own little posts because I am appaled by how much I have written today!

My second little sidebar about the night of the concert has the same theme as the first : Jordan <3’s>

………. and we’re coming to get it Waffle House!

Leaving the concert was truly an out of body experience for me. I don’t remember much of the details because all I knew was that we were DEFINATELY going to hang out and eat some waffles with the New Kids.

We kissed our umbrellas, that were with security, goodbye and we made it out of Star Lake in record time. Honestly I never remember getting out of the parking lot in under 45 minutes but I swear we were out in 10. And surprisingly I didn’t even have to drive over anyone.

Luckily I had dated a guy named Tim who worked by the Waffle House in Washington Pa because that was the only reason that I even knew we had WH’s in Pittsburgh. So with the help of a GPS, we were on our way to get some waffles and all I could think about was (hopefully) taking a picture with Donnie and I was sure Lauren was going to get her hands on Jordan.

I have to take this moment to thank those people who made it possible for nearly all of us to have a navigation system in the car. Stalking celebrities is so much easier this way!

It was a longer drive than I thought it would be to the Waffle House but we made it. We were still screeching about the concert, remembering each moment of the M&G and concert, and still listening to their music. Lauren called her mom, and the call dropped 12 times while we rode through what I’ll politely call “less-urban” areas but we kept calling her back and she told us we were nuts for thinking they were actually going to show up at the WH.

Nevertheless, we arrived at the Waffle House about 45 minutes after the concert and I started to realize that if they were coming, they were probably a good bit behind us. I’m guessing it takes a while to get everyone ready to move but we were not leaving that WH. We were the first car in the parking lot so we stayed put because we really didn’t know what else to do at that point. It seemed as if we might actually be the only ones on the right track for the New Kids……

Yea right! But this is when the night started to get interesting!

…..cus meet & greets have free alcohol and celebrities to meet!

As soon as we got to Starlake, it was time to stand in line to get into the Meet & Greet. We had never done this before. Luckily, the DoubleMint twins were infront of us in line and filled us in on the details.

Their advice:
- RUN to the one you want to talk to
- DON’T let anyone get infront of you
- TRY to kiss them all….One of the DT’s had managed that at their last M&G experience.

It seemed like hours that we were standing in line waiting to get in but finally we got up to the sign in tent and handed over our cameras (they gave them back before the concert started) and we got our goodie bags. Contents: A beach towel with the tour dates, Sunscreen on a clippy, Cherry Chapstik with their picture and finally….. NKOTB boy short panties.

It was fantastic….only problem is they were tiny. I’m sure they were expecting dirty pictures of women wearing them after the concert and decided that only the girls that should be in those pictures would fit in the panties! hahaha….

We finally got inside, got a few beers and patiently waited for the boys to arrive. After about 20 minutes Donnie tweeted that he was walking into the M&G in the Steel City and the place went nuts!!!!! Then he walked out from behind the screen they were standing behind and started high fiving people. Other NKOTB’s were reaching up and over the screen and trying to jump up and see the fans.

Well, from what I can remember, the beer was flowing (extremely freely) and I figured eating any food and soaking up the alcohol would just be a terrible decision so I drank until we reached letter N and it was our turn with the guys. The DoubleMint Twins were actually in the M&G with us and the four of us were the first ones in the room. Like clockwork, we all stood our ground and got the boys we wanted. There may have been some pushing but we managed to be in place for the photos….Until a rouge Donnie fan ran in at the end and he put his arm around her instead of me…

Bitch.

But check out the Dirty Waffles post for the really good stuff!

Well, it’s been nearly a week since the NKOTB concert and I have not blogged about it one single time. It’s probably because I am still trying to catch up on my sleep. (I know I’m not actually old but not sleeping for 2 days is harder than it used to be!)

The concert was absolutely…A-MA-ZING!

The only complaint I have is that since this is what I call the “rainy season” in Pittsburgh, my hair was a hot mess. Perfectly straight when I left my house, wavy in the meet & greet, curly during the concert, ponytail at the Waffle House.

Today I have caught the blog bug and I’ll post a ton today about the amazing weekend that can only happen in a city as A-MA-ZING as Pittsburgh!!!

Smooches!

Clearly I haven’t had the time to transfer the old posts about my NKOTB experiences yet.  I promise I’m working on it!

For now I’ll just update you on the most recent happenings while I sit here in my clean apartment watching “The Kill Point” since I am still excited about that new purchase.

Donnie has posted new videos for “Tony Spanelli” and he’s looking for a new assistant.  Clearly I need to win this contest.  But since the requirements are a video resume and it’s due in the morning….. I don’t think it’s going to happen.

Apparently, the winner will get to be Tony’s assistant for a day and help with the project for the winners of the Dirty Dancing contest. 

I know the guys are working very hard on so many things but it will be nice to finally see some of the finished products from all the contests they create.  Still, they are keeping us entertained for hours on end!

O Canela & Hortelã e a Prisvideo têm o prazer de oferecer 20 convites duplos para a ante-estreia do filme As Teias do Crime, para os próximos dia 7 e 8 de Setembro às 21h30.

Temos 10 convites para  segunda-feira , dia 7 no  Alvaláxia – Lisboa e 10 convites para terça-feira dia 8 para o UCI, Arrábida Shopping.

Salientamos que apenas será aceite uma resposta válida por email, e por favor participem apenas se puderem mesmo comparecer. Para participar neste passatempo basta responder às seguintes perguntas:

1. Amanda Peet ficou reconhecida do grande público após contracenar com Bruce Willis, no ano 2000. Como se chamava o filme?  Falsas Aparencias ( ou The Whole Nine Yards ou até mesmo O Meu Vizinho Mafioso)
2. Qual o nome da distribuidora do filme em Portugal ? A resposta estava na primeira linha – Prisvideo.

Lisboa – Alvaláxia :

• Glória Costa
• Eduardo Palha
• Carla Dionisio
• João Vila-Maior
• Goncalo Caetano
• Carlos Gomes
• Rosa larsen
• Ana Mendes
• Carlos Rodrigues
• Anabela Bastos

Porto – Arrábida Shopping

• Adriana Teixeira
• João Marques
• Diana Cardoso
• Joao Marinho
• Rui Augusto
• Ana Figueiredo
• Claudia Rosadas
• Paula Medeiros
• Filipe Robalinho
• Denise Soares

Se o vosso nome consta nesta lista mas não receberam email, ou vice-versa , por favor entrem em contacto connosco.

As Teias do Crime

Original: What Doesn’t Kill You

Género: Drama

Realização: Brian Goodman

Intérpretes: Amanda Peet, Ethan Hawke, Mark Ruffalo, Donnie Wahlberg

Sinopse:

Paulie e Brian fazem o que for preciso para sobreviver, vivendo segundo o código do “doa a quem doer” que se aplica no bairro onde vivem. Pequenos crimes e um comportamento rebelde começam aos poucos a transformar-se em mais graves delitos, acabando por cair debaixo da alçada do patrão do crime organizado, Pat Kelly. À medida que Brian se vai perdendo cada vez mais num labirinto de drogas e “trabalhinhos”, nem mesmo o amor que tem pela mulher e pelos filhos parece ser suficiente para o redimir. Enquanto isso, Paulie planeia “um último golpe” mas sabe que precisa do amigo para o levar por diante.

Site Oficial : http://www.whatdoesntkillyoumovie.com/

Pathological liars are the best. Except if you have one as an oncologist. Then that could suck. Balls.

But I happen to know this girl from high school that has to take the pathological lying cake, so obviously I really liked to hang with her. She is not an oncologist. Lets just call her “Jenny”, because that is her real name.  She would regale me with stories about how she had a friend who knew the New Kids on the Block and could totally get her into their hotel or a concert whenever they came through Chicago.  I was 14 and this was big time currency in 1991.  Donnie Wahlberg and I were totally soul mates from 1990 to 1993 – he just wasn’t aware of it yet – and then I think Oprah took his place in 1994 and remains my soul mate to this day. The only difference is that Oprah knows it and just won’t accept it. Oprah is clearly not living her best life.

I digress.  So anyway, my crazy ass friend Jenny would talk constantly about her friend “Lisa” who worked at Ulta3 and was like, totally BFF with little Joey McIntyre and one day as we were perusing Bop* and Tiger Beat she was telling me how she and Lisa were going to their upcoming show and then hanging out with them afterward, and naturally she invited me along too.

Isn’t it weird that pathological liars always give you a chance to totally catch them lying?  So they’ll be like, “I’m totally Rob Pattinson’s lover, do you want to have a threesome with us?” Now, there is only one good answer for this and that is “yes”.  Not because you want the threesome (even though you know you do) but because if you say “no”, then you don’t even get to find out what kind of additional, outrageous lies they will tell to get them out of having to prove that they are fucking Rob Pattinson.  So I always say “yes” whenever a pathological liar wants to prove to me they aren’t lying, because its so damn amusing.

Curse you, ADD! (Love is looking angrily to the sky) Can I get through one fucking story without going off on a tangent!?

Okay, so of course I’m like, “I would love to go! Can I invite my little cousin who has leukemia because she is totally into Jordan and wants to put her little radiated fingers through his stiff, sticky hair and touch one of his silky vests before she dies.” (pathological liars deserve to be lied to) and Jenny is like, “TOTALLY! Me and Lisa will set it up!” and I’m like, “Awesome. I’ll let her know she can die fulfilled because you are totally going to hook us up.” Luckily I was aware my friend was totally full of shit and this is how:

1) She is of Asian descent.  But not a smart Asian (does coming to America make you dumb?).  I think this is really bad if this happens to you.  I imagine its like if you’re black, but you dance like Elaine on Seinfeld. Its just mostly impossible and completely unacceptable.

2) She is 5′2″ (this will become important later)

3) In high school, she was not that attractive and she wasn’t rich.

4) She is the oldest of three kids and her mom was a working single mom. I don’t know what her dad’s story was, but he was out of the picture.

So the liklihood of her fucking a New Kid was equivalent to John Tesh’s chances of being named People’s Sexiest Man Alive.

Okay, so we’re back in 1991. The NKOTB show is coming to Chicago, and my friend Jenny is like BFF with Joe McIntyre’s BFF, which happens to be a 17 year old named Lisa that works at Ulta3 in a suburb of Chicago. I know, right? So, its the day before the show that we are going to where we supposedly have backstage passes, and front row seats, and all access to the New Kids on the Block, who are expecting us and cannot wait to fucking meet our 14 year old asses (and my cousin with cancer).

Of course, Jenny couldn’t give me and my cancer-ridden pretend cousin our tickets or passes because you have to get those at the show. So the night before she calls me to say that Lisa called her and there was some terrible mix-up and they only had Lisa down for two tickets, so she wasn’t sure if me and my cousin could still go. So I  was like “well, can’t Lisa just call Joey Joe and explain the problem? I’d be happy to meet him at the hotel to pick up the tickets. I’m sure my dad won’t have a problem driving me.” She’s like, “I didn’t even think of that! Of COURSE Lisa could do that.” So she hangs up the phone and sits idlely for 8 minutes calls Lisa to find out and calls me back and says, “Joey has a photo shoot to do right before the show, so they won’t be at the hotel, but he said maybe he could give them to Big Rob (the bodyguard) to give to you.” So naturally I exclaim, “Oh, Jenny! You’ve just made all my dreams come true. And my cancer ridden cousin too.  Where should me and Big Rob make the big exchange?” And she fucking gives me an address and time to meet Big Rob the bodyguard.  There are so very few limits.  So then she calls the day of the concert to say that Big Rob totally has strep throat and can’t make it and yada, yada, yada. She will go on to tell me she went to the show, hung out with all the New Kids and “Donnie is so cool!” and she has pictures. Do I want to see?

Yes. Definitely.

But aw, shucks! She explained a day later that when she brought the film in for processing that everything got erased.  All she can think of is that there were metal detectors backstage and the fucking things somehow erased all the 35 mm film in her camera.  And it totally sucked because she was on Joey’s lap and everything.  I won’t even go there…

“But surely Lisa has photos?” I say. No, Lisa’s photos got erased too.

Fucking metal detectors. (Love shakes fist at the sky)

Okay, so flash forward to a lovely day in March of this year.  I’m trolling Facebook for the 34th time that day and trying to think up a clever status, when suddenly I’m told that someone named Jenny Df wants to be my friend.  Df? Is that a last name? I don’t know who this person is…until I see the personal message accompanying the invite. Ah yes, its my good old friend Jenny. Her last name has changed. To a last name that surely exists nowhere in the world. How I had missed her!! I wanted to know EVERYTHING about what I missed the last 15 years, but mostly whether she was still the biggest-fucking-not-hot-dumb-ass-Asian-liar-of-all-time.

Since we had parted ways somewhere around 1994, she told me that she went to New York and was a Tom Ford model for many years.  Years in which she made best friends with Rhea Durham and Gisele Bundchen. Okay, so admittedly I know nothing about modeling…except that I think you have to be an inch or two over 5′2″ and you have to be good looking and you have to have big boobs, like my sister.  But she did have a profile picture which showed her in a Glamour Shots-like pose with fake boobs and nasty ass extensions. She reported that she made so much money as a runway model and she invested that money so wisely, that she is now retired and now she spends all of her time volunteering to work with animals.  Her husband is an incredibly sexy, extremely talented actor that I just haven’t heard of yet.  They live in Hollywood Hills.  She was currently trying to figure out whether or not she should take the job as one of the “Deal or No Deal” girls.  I didn’t mention it, but I thought that such an intellectual pursuit might actually blow her mind, since she had been retired for so long and all. She must have tacitly agreed, for she wrote:  “The doggies need me more than the pubic (sic) right now”. I am not fucking making this up.  There’s more…

So then as the weeks go by and I’m checking Facebook 234 times a day as usual and I see her statuses every few days that go a little something like this, “Jess, it was so good to see you and Tony the other night. I’m trying to get our schedules to sync so we can be out in Dallas for the next game!”  and “So happy for my dearest friends Tom and G! Congratulations! Give little Johnny a kiss for us” and “Audrina, I’m so sad I missed you last night at the awards. We totally have to catch up again.”  and finally, “Does anybody have a good cleanse? I have a Hawaiian Tropic shoot tomorrow and I don’t want to look too fat “  It doesn’t even end there. She started a chat with me one night on Facebook and I swear to God, she tells me that she and Rhea Durham are BFF from their NYC modeling days and she remembers I liked Donnie Wahlberg and her dearest Rhea is with Mark Wahlberg and now its so weird because they hang out ALL THE TIME and Mark is such a sweetheart!

Lest you think I’m a pathological liar, I am not. I would have copied and pasted directly from Facebook and told you guys to go ask her to be your friend so your life would be full of amusement like mine, but when I just went to do so, I realized she is no longer my friend. And no longer on Facebook. Unless I just can’t find her because I’m blocked or something. I would write her little comments like “Jenny, you are SOOOOOO lucky to be friends with Jessica Simpson. I am SOOOOOO jealous”. and “Jenny, you look so pretty and wonderful these days. I’m SOOOOO jealous. See you when I get to LA!”  She was lapping that shit up. But somehow much to my dismay I am either blocked or she left Facebook. I don’t know how I let this ridiculously amusing friend leave my life again because its hard to find dumb Asians who are pathological liars and don’t head up North Korea , but I’m sure she’ll turn up somewhere else. Perhaps as Dean of Harvard Law or as a United Nations Ambassador.

God, wherever you are Jenny Df, I heart you.  Next time you see Tom and Gisele, punch her in the face (not the stomach) and tell her to stop pretending that Bridget Moynihan’s kid is hers. Thanks.

*OMG, I just remember that I was listed (with my picture) in Bop as one of those kids you can be penpals with. How fucked up is that? Now I see that the Bop pen pal pages where were all the future MySpace pedophiles began their journeys.  I got seriously like 200,000 letters one month from that.  Where the fuck were my parents? I would give my right arm to have a copy of that issue of Bop now. I bet it is creepy as all hell.  Good Lord.

Cassy: “Será que vai dar certo???”

Com estreia prevista para outubro de 2010, a comédia The Zookeeper, da MGM, escala o ator Donnie Wahlberg para integrar o elenco que já conta com Kevin James, Rosario Dawson e as vozes de Adam Sandler, Cher, Sylvester Stallone, Jon Favreau e Judd Apatow.

O filme remete para o estilo Dr. Dolitte (atores falando com animais) e conta a história do funcionário de um zoológico que decide se demitir por conta de um grande amor, mas os animais do local quebram seu “código de silêncio” para ensiná-lo a conquistar a mulher de seus sonhos e ainda mantê-lo por lá. A direção é de Frank Coraci que já trabalhou com Adam Sandler em Click.

Wahlberg, para os fãs do terror, é bem conhecido por sua participação como o detetive Eric a partir de Jogos Mortais 2, mas também participou do recente As Duas Faces da Lei ao lado de Al Pacino e Robert DeNiro.

Congrats Stefanie and Michael – via The New Kids on the Block!

Congrats Stefanie and Michael – Stefanie had her entire Grand Entrance via – The New Kids on the Block! Jonathan Knight, Donnie Wahlberg, Joey McIntyre, Danny Wood, Jordan Knight, NKOTB – songs!
Have a great honeymoon!