Today I picked up one of those Vintage Sports Cards packs that comes with three packs for $4.99 at the Northgate Toys R Us, just for cocks and goblins. You know, the ones that have a window that shows only two of the three packs because the third one is some ancient, worthless set from the late 80’s to the mid-90’s. And that’s where they really get you by charging you the same price they do for the two recent packs despite the fact that they had to have paid close to nothing for those packs.

But – here’s a secret, between you, me and the Internet: I love these packs. I’m not too good with the 80’s, but once you enter the meat of the 90’s, I can pretty much recognize everyone thanks in no small part to a decade plus obsession with fantasy baseball. The game clock for 90% of the players in these packs stopped long ago, so the chances of finding star players (or anything that books for that matter) are dangerous close to the “Mark Reynolds chance of walking more than striking out over a normal season” low – aka zero. Which means nothing but inside jokes, bombed prospects, flame-outs, juicers, fatties and an endless supply of some of the most ridiculous faces and hair styles to grace cardboard. Then you do the only thing one can do after obtaining something so utterly pathetic – throw it away without a second thought so that the Mariners can sign it to an expensive, long term contract.

Plus – I’m jealous of the idea. Who’s not? It is a brilliant idea that rakes in a ton of dough for minimal investments with quick returns. Its so brilliant, its retarded!

Let’s see what we’ve got in this shiny pack of 1994 Fleer Ultra:

• Troy O’Leary (Rookie)
  Just in case you missed them, here are a few observations I have made about this card: he carries more than a striking resemblance to Turk from Scrubs if he were watching J.D. sprout wings and fly away; the position of his hands coupled with lack of bat in the picture makes this a fun one for Photoshop; he was actually a useful fantasy baseball player from 1995 to 2001 and collected 1,110 hits in roughly 7 full seasons. Not sure any of those observations can be considered negative, I must say. Oh wait, except for the fact that he is still Troy O’Leary, long time resident of Commons County.
• Duane Ward
  I guess he intimidated opposing batters by looking like he is about to shit his pants with every pitch. Whatever works, I guess…
• Doug Henry
• Royce Clayton (Error – no gold foil at all on front)
  The back side of this card is actually the best of this pack and in a legitmate sense! Each of Royce’s poses are interesting, action-related and he doesn’t appear to be caught in any gag-worthy poses. Good for you, Royce…good for you.
• Scott Erickson
  I look at this card and all I can think about is the end to Wayne’s World 2. “Cassandra! Cassandra!” Oh, and the left most picture of him on the back looks to be his delinquent twin brother, Gabby Erickson, notorious for raping hens in a failed attempt at creating a chicken/human hybrid master race.
• Mark Carreon
• Willie Banks
• Tim Wallach
• Bob Hamelin (Rookie)
  I believe this card had value for a few months back in ‘94 when “The Hammer” won the AL Rookie of the Year award with the Royals by hitting .282 with 24 dingers and 65 rubies. Then his body remembered it was fat, pudgy, out of shape and hardly up to the task of being athletic, so it shut down on him, which led him to quit baseball entirely in June of 1999 after an infield ground out while playing for the Toledo Mud Hens. I can see that moment now…”I can’t even get the ball in the air anymore…fuck this. I’ve still got a couple Bud Lites in the back seat…oh, and a couple Jack In The Box tacos from last night!” Looking at the back of this card, I am astonished that Hamelin could put up any numbers ever, simply based on the fact that every single photo of him on this card looks like he is running for the first time in his entire life. I wonder if he’s hawked his ROY trophy for beer and McDonald’s money yet….
• Billy Swift
• Albert Belle
  I wonder if there are any videos of Joey’s behind-the-scenes antics out there anywhere…I’d strangle a poodle puppy to see him go one on one with the post-game buffet. Actually, I’d probably do that anyways, video or no video. Maybe if I set up a buffet in front of his house, hide under the table and with the help of a meatloaf puppet, taunt the shit out of him (“Party over at my place, Joey! We’ve got booze, crooked bats, escorts to stalk, plenty of coffee and its being held in Alaska!”) until he came out and destoryed it for my pleasure while cursing talking food…oh Joey.
• Dave Burba
  This card brings up wretched memories of fantasy baseball teams gone wrong. Having Burba and his catepiller eyebrows on your team was a sure fire sign that you either fucked up your team and/or the only person on the planet with less of an ability to asset talent than former Mariners’ GM, Bill Bavasi.
• Paul Sorrento
  Pretty sure he just got a wiff of the catcher’s beef stew mid-swing.
• Tim Salmon (Award Winners insert)

Awards:

Most Likely a Rapist: You look into Willie Banks eyes and tell me he’s not a man who knows the meaning of no.

Best Hair: Scott Erickson just barely beats out Paul Sorrento as it looks like he put work into his mullet…what a sad, sad man.

Cards kept:

1: Royce Clayton (error)

I got a handful of cards from Ryan at The Great Orioles Autograph Project today, helping me to fill a few of the holes in my collection. (One of these days, I’m really going to have to update that part of my site… it’s not going to be today, though. I just have time to post a few scans. )

Felix Millan

Felix Millan was the Mets’ second baseman from 1973-1977. He retired before I was old enough to follow baseball, but he may have been the best second baseman in team history until Edgardo Alfonzo came along.

Doug Henry

Doug Henry was a middle reliever for the 1995 & 1996 Mets. I didn’t watch much ML baseball in the years immediately following the strike, so I don’t remember his tenure very well. This is the baseball card equivalent of the bad driver’s license photo, so I’m sure Doug must love looking at it.

John Hudek

John Hudek pitched for the Mets in 1998, but that was the year I graduated from college — the Mets were not the main thing on my mind. They got him from the Houston Astros in exchange for Carl Everett, and they sent him on to Cincinnati for Lenny Harris. Something doesn’t quite add up there.

Mark Johnson

Mark Johnson was a bench player on the Mets from 2000-2002, but he really only got significant playing time in 2001.

Tim Leary

Tim Leary was a “can’t miss” prospect for the Mets in the early 1980s who got hurt in his first ML  game. He managed to put together a successful big league career, but he never was the same. I don’t remember him pitching for the Mets, but I do remember him as a solid back of the rotation starter for the Dodgers, Reds and Yankees.

Barry Manuel

Barry Manuel was a middle reliever for the 1997 Mets. I saw him play in the minors once or twice, but I don’t remember his time with the Mets very well. It’s remarkable that all six guys actually have legible autographs. I wonder when the average ML player’s signature started to degenerate into the scribbles we see so often today?

Thanks Ryan!

And here’s one more: my big purchase from this month’s baseball card show:

Sticker autograph, tiny photo, unidentified fabric swatches and uninspired design aside, I’m still pretty fond of it.

Doug Henry, Southwick MA, 2006