As well we know, Mathletics are a major part of any University’s repertoire of activities – without Mathletes, where would national powerhouses like Carnegie Mellon and University of California Riverside be? Nowhere, that’s where! To build a successful program to attract the nations top Mathletes, you need to exhibit not only the facilities but also the following and environment that stimulates the mathlete – not unlike the athlete. However, he or she can be swayed by a school’s tradition and history of success, not merely wins and losses. Part of those winning ways are folded into the tradition – but that’s why it’s important to allow for up and coming Mathletics programs to try their hands at the Great-Grandaddy of Them All – the Mathlete Rose Bowl.

The Mathlete Rose Bowl usually picks a Pacific Brain League team to face off with a Midwestern Nerd Conference foe in what is billed as the best college Mathlete competition annually. Of course, if one of those teams should be selected to compete in the National Computer Whiz Super Bowl of Mystic Machinery, then the Mathlete Rose Bowl would have to select a replacement team. As everyone knows, this year’s NCWSBoMM features MNC stalwart Notre Dame (and everyone said that they’d never make it!) and Southern Can’t Believe They’re Smart Confederacy opponents Tulane University, who backed in to the match after eking past their Confederacy Championship counterparts Vanderbilt. With their option to make the replacement pick, the Mathlete Rose Bowl selected Case Western over the much deserving Rensselaer Polytechnic, only so that they could protect their precious PBL vs. MNC match up.

What the Mathlete Rose Bowl fails to realize is that they’re artifacts of a bye-gone era, when research was a game strictly for Americans (and any Nazis we needed to hide from the Russians), when Math was used only for the power of splitting the atom, when a Cold War ripped this country in two – Stones vs. Beatles. It’s time for a change in the ranks! Case Western competed in what could be best described as a down year for the MNC, but they still make the Mathlete Rose Bowl? Get your head out of your ass Rose Bowl, give the people the match up they wanted to see: RPI versus California Institute of Technology! It’s this kind of political bullshit that feeds the system. Enough is enough I say and I encourage all of you to boycott the Mathlete Rose Bowl until we see improvement in their otherwise backwards selection scheme.

Editor’s Note: On the eve of the NFL Draft, H2DN presents the Third Round of our Conference Draft, as we attempt to reorganize D-1A Football. Stay tuned for more in the coming weeks!

Intro/saves
Round One Two

1 (15) ACC: I felt like I should take another ACC team here, and Georgia Tech is a solid football team who manages to do fairly well despite Chan Gailey’s best efforts to drive the team into the ground. Jon Tenuta is a genius, plain and simple, and I felt compelled to take Georgia Tech just to preserve the defensive awesomeness of having Bud Foster, Mickey Andrews, and Jon Tenuta in the same conference. Rarely does a fanbase actually look forward to a player graduating in the same way Georgia Tech fans have counted the days until Reggie Ball left the team, and now that he’s gone, I have to imagine that the Yellow Jackets can only possibly get better. A fun team to watch, not such a fun team to play, and a good fit in the new ACC.

2 (16) Big XII: The Big XII has learned one thing from studying drafts in other sports – always pick the best available prospect, regardless of your needs. Thus, the Big XII welcomes Ron Zook, his golf cart, and the Illinois Fighting Illini to the conference. We were simply shocked to see the man credited for single-handedly winning this year’s national championship fall into our lap in the third round.

3 (17) Big East: The Big East selects Clemson. The Tigers are on a bit of a downward spiral after a humiliating loss in the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl to Kentucky. But still, they were ranked as high as 11 last year, and Tommy Bowden (aka the good one) is still coaching the team. We here at the Big East need a traditional powerhouse to match with the top of the conference every year. Plus, any school the Fridge went to is alright in my book.

4 (18) MMSC: After much consideration (and delay), the mid-majors take California. Cal will bring a mixture of academics, athletics, and hippies to the Superconference. That and the Superconference Board of Directors can get a travel bulk discount with games literally on both coasts.

5 (19) Pac 10: The Pac-10 will continue to poach teams on the outskirts of their conference and select the Iowa Hawkeyes. They’ve got a fantastic (read: makes lots of money) head coach and are only two years removed from several 10-win seasons in a row. Plus, the Pac-10 has to keep taking as many midwest teams as possible, because them’s some big ol’ corn-fed boys and this conference needs more of that and less sushi-eating surfer queers.

6 (20) Big Ten: First of all, you all can kiss my ass. But, in the spirit of poaching shitty teams from other conferences, the Big Ten selects the Kansas State Wildcats. Basically I need a replacement for Northwestern, so I turn to a school that wears purple, calls themselves the Wildcats, and comes out of nowhere to win the conference once every ten years or so. Plus they’re a large state school, which fits better than some shitty urban private school.

Now it’s the SEC’s turn to make two picks, and I’ll be outside killing pigeons with a hammer.

7 (21) SEC: After thinking long and hard, and hoping my third and fourth choices will be around, the SEC separates itself from the “old” SEC, and picks some new OOC opponents:

The University of South Florida Bulls – This up and coming program will get a huge amount of help from joining the SEC. Of course, Tampa, the home of USF, has everything an SEC team needs: Bars, World-famous Strip Clubs, and plenty of Hillsborough County prisons. Orient Road has nothing to do with any Asians.

Introduction/saves
Round One

1 (8 overall) SEC – Georgia: The SEC needed someone to win the East once a decade when UF and UT weren’t, so the Dawgs are here to stay. Games will still be played “between the hedges”, which will get quite a touch-up if Oregon and their band ever come to play.

2 (9) Big Ten: With the second round pick, the Big Ten selects Maryland. They’ve quietly produced some great NFL talent but not great teams. Yet they still manage to be competitive on occasion in the ACC, even though they shit the bed in bowl games and the like. Sounds like a perfect replacement for Purdue.

Also, this means there’s a better chance that I can get more Big Ten games carried where I live in DC.

3 (10) Pac 10: The Pac-10 is happy to bring in another SWC refugee in the Arkansas Razorbacks. Yes, I know Mitch Mustain is a crybaby and left. But hey, they’re a good team right now, and Darren McFadden is :waycool: They’re basically one of the better options left from my pool of teams, so I might as well pull the trigger now. Doesn’t hurt that they’re not a terrible basketball school, either.

4 (11) Mid-Major SuperConference: The second mid-major pick is South Carolina. As a SEC middleweight, the other USC fits in perfectly in the conference (read: race to take the SEC teams). With a top recruiting class and Coach Me Uppin’ Steve Spurrier at the helm, South Carolina will upset and annoy Big East and ACC teams for years to come.

5 (12) Big East: The Big East selects Boston College. Yeah, yeah, I know what it looks like. Like we’re a scorned ex-girlfriend and when given the chance to take our boyfriend back after screwing around with the hotter, sluttier chick, we gladly do so just because we’re sick of hanging out with Milton and the other AV nerds. And that is exactly what it is. We need BC back in the Big East. They were never right for the ACC. I mean, they’re not really terrible at either basketball or football. They’re a two sport school, and that is completely unlike every other school in that conference. So now, we’re rightfully bringing BC back to the conference of tweeners. Welcome home, Eagles.

6 (13) Big XII: With the 13th pick in the draft, the Big XII chooses to reunite an intense but forgotten rivalry between the Texas Longhorns and the Ark… Arizona State Sun Devils. Although three schools in the Big XII now can claim to have some of the hottest girls in the country, only yearly battles in football can provide a true winner – you, the guy standing next to them in the stands. Also, we recently read an article by college football genius Mike Farrell that called the program a “sleeping giant.” According to our insider info, giants are big, and the Big XII likes big.

Curse you, Pac 10.

7 (14) ACC – Pittsburgh: Second round and I’m already scraping? No, Pitt is one of those teams who can be impressive at times, and utterly mediocre at others. I’m one of the only people who puts any faith in Wanny, and I think Pitt could grow back to be a middle of the pack type team. With the ACC already fairly stacked at the top, I felt like it was time to start looking at mid-range teams who have the potential to surprise people. Pitt is one of those teams, and it gives the ACC an outlet into Pennsylvania, which is always a breeding ground for some good football talent. Plus this gives me the chance to redeem the school for Larry Fitzgerald having the Heisman stolen from him. Yes, that still pisses me off.

The latest installment of the popular video game series about college football, which was originally scheduled for a July 17th release, has been pushed back indefinitely. Although an official release date has not yet been given, the press release hinted that it could take “about a month” longer.

Rumors about the delay revolve around a NCAA committee’s decision to submit a proposal banning the use of text messaging in recruiting. This proposal still needs to be approved by the Board of Directors; however, if it goes through, EA will need to recode part of the game.

NCAA Football ‘08 comes with updated rosters, playbooks, and stadiums. It also includes a retooling of the “dynasty mode” to make it more “real”. The hallmark of this year’s change is an entirely new recruiting system. A few weeks ago, H2DN was invited to sit down and playtest it at EA’s headquarters.

Because we had a limited amount of time to play, we decided to chose a team in the heart of a rich recruiting area – Auburn. After simulating an undefeated season capped off with another Sugar Bowl victory it was time for the offseason.

So far everything looked the same as before. We set our budget, said goodbye to graduating seniors, and were welcomed with a map of the United States as we began our recruiting. To start things off, we decided to target the top player in our state, a running back named Howard Bonner. And suddenly we noticed it.

So… umm… that’s it?

Not even some more hand-me-down features from the Madden franchise?

Fast forward to today, when we heard the announcement of the delay. We immediately called EA to ask them why it would take a month to change a line of text – they promptly hung up on us and have yet to return any other phone calls.

—

This isn’t the first snag EA has come across in the release of the new game; EA’s first choice for cover athlete pulled out of negotiations at the last minute. In the ensuing mayhem, EA quickly offered the cover to Boise State’s Jared Zabransky.

Although Zabransky, the hero of the Fiesta Bowl, is currently popular with college football fans, EA was disappointed that they couldn’t have their first choice in order to promote the game’s new realism aspects.

After making our saves, it came time to hold the actual draft to fill out seven twelve-team conferences. The order was based on the final 2006 ranking of the champion of each conference. The first round was held in reverse order, and the rest of the draft proceeded in a serpentine fashion.

Without further ado, let’s get this thing started with the ACC’s first pick:

1. ACC – Auburn: I wanted to take a SEC powerhouse, and LSU was really too far west to justify being in the ACC (this one’s stretching it enough, although no more than Virginia Tech). The importance in taking a team like Auburn is both their ability to provide more stiff competition in the ACC, and the added bonus of making all of the other ACC’s football players seem like geniuses in comparison. Tommy Tuberville will also provide the coaching legitimacy that the ACC has been lacking for so many years. Both a great football program and a gateway into recruiting in that part of the country, which has been on SEC lockdown for a long time.

2. Big XII: With the second pick in the conference draft, the Big XII selects Louisiana State University. After the majority of Katrina refugees relocated in the state of Texas, a large number of former SEC fans have found themselves stranded in Big XII country without a team to cheer for – until now. Although this move is not projected to increase ticket sales or TV shares at all, the Big XII feels that this will generate positive momentum by being the feel good story of the year. Furthermore, LSU’s Les Miles is now back in his comfort zone as the head coach of a second tier Big XII program.

3. Big East: Ladies and Gentlemen, Notre Dame has a home. While the Big XII can afford the luxury of picking a team that will “generate positive momentum” the Big East needs those ticket sales desperately. We can’t supply an entire conference off of ticket sales to the Big East Basketball Tourney! We need football money. And Notre Dame has a lot of that. So damn the choking in clutch situations and damn the asshole fanbase. No longer will the Fightin’ Irish be feasting on mid-major cupcakes when it can feast on Big East cupcakes! Plus, we’re severely lacking in asshole quarterbacks since Virginia Tech and the Vicks left. Jimmy Clausen, here we come!

4. Mid-Major SuperConference: The first mid-major pick is Nebraska. History hasn’t been kind to Lincoln as of late, but the Superconference will be able to bring Nebraska back to the national spotlight faster than ever before – granted someone from the old Big 12 can beat Boise State. Nobody will be able to touch the tradition that is Nebraska football – the Huskers don’t need trickery, deception, or seductive coeds (though it’s got those) to win, they simply need a running game and for Frank Solich to be as far away from Lincoln as possible.

5. Pac 10: On that note of being unable to beat Boise State, the Pac 10 welcomes Oklahoma into the mix. The tradition is there, with the longest winning streak in college football history, and you know that they’re always going to be a top 25 team. Plus, who doesn’t love the musical stylings of the Sooner band as they play Waka La…I mean Boomer Sooner after every time the ball is touched by a person in the stadium? They’ve already got a natural rivalry started with the Ducks and have managed to piss off the Huskies with their president seemingly not wanting to play a Pac 10 team again. Plus, they got murdered by USC in the second of their thirty-seven consecutive national titles. It all works out perfectly!

6. Big Ten: The hits just keep on coming for the Big Ten. With more attractive options like Notre Dame, Nebraska, and Oklahoma off the board, we must turn back to a school we were once prepared to abandon, the Penn State Nittany Zombies. There’s a lot of tradition at this school, including Joe Paterno’s ability to restore the team to glory, like a Phoenix rising out of Arizona. There is a built in rivalry with Michigan for “fuck phone booths, how many people can we fit in a grotesque monstrosity of a stadium?” Of course, doubts linger about the future of the program after the retirement/death of Paterno – oh, who are we kidding, that old bastard’s never going to die.

7. SEC – Memphis: The true power conference, the SEC is now saddled with the joy of TWO picks. With initial targets Miami, WVU, and VT off the board, we had to put some thought into who we’d take next. Substituting one UT in-state rival for another, UM gets its chance to put up or shut up with the rest of the big boys in the Southeastern conference. This move was favored by NFL star DeAngelo Williams, but basketball coach John Calipari has been seen weeping underneath his desk.

Coming Soon: Round Two!

A constant discussion in the offseason is how to best reorganize the conferences. “Notre Dame should join a conference.” “The Big Ten should get a 12th team and get a conference championship game.” “[Insert conference here] should get rid of any shitty private school like Northwestern, Vanderbilt, or USC.”

To help pass the time we decided to set up a draft to create 7 elite conferences in D-1A. Each of the current BCS conferences gets a pick, as does one Mid Major Superconference. Each conference gets to save 3 teams. The remaining 9 teams per conference will be determined through a draft. With only broad geographic limits, and the rule that the Mid Major conference can’t pick a recent BCS bowl participant, we proceeded.

Today we present the 3 saves of each conference, including each writer’s justification. Check back in the coming weeks as we reveal the rest of the draft.

1. ACC – proteus4994

When someone comes up to you and says that you can save three teams in the ACC and have to give up the rest, the time spent calculating which three teams you want to keep is only slightly longer than the time that I would spend pondering whether I should accept Jessica Alba’s offer to sleep with me.

(note: These aren’t in any particular order)

1. Miami has a great program, a new head coach who’s going to (hopefully) get things off on the right track, and talent up the wazoo. In the final years of their Big East membership, they were conference champions more often than they weren’t, and I believe that the 2002-2003 championship game between OSU and Miami set the record for most future NFL players in one college game (if I’m wrong on that, don’t bother telling me, because I really don’t care). Point is, Miami is really good, mmkay, and Randy Shannon can only make the team better.

2. Florida State is pretty much the Miami of the “old school” ACC. Just as Larry Coker pulled down his pants and shit all over what Butch Davis had spent years building up for Miami, Jeff Bowden took it one step further and anally violated the program that his father had made famous. But now that he’s gone, the coaching lineup at Florida State is nothing short of amazing (as long as Bobby Bowden’s senile drooling doesn’t smudge the playbook). Unfortunately for fans of other teams in the conference, we could be looking at the USC of the ACC in the next few years.

3. There’s really nothing that can be said about Virginia Tech that hasn’t been been witnessed by America time and time again over the past ten years or so. A consistent top-25 team, Virginia Tech knows extremely well how to come charging out of the gates in a dominant fashion in September, only to smack head-first into a brick wall in November and December. That being said, VT and their pact with the devil that resulted in Bud Foster not taking a head coaching job somewhere else has been performing impressively well in the ACC, mainly due to Miami and FSU really sucking it up recently. Once Frank Beamer’s neck alien convinces him to fire Bryan Stinesping and replace him with an offensive coordinator that doesn’t rival Jeff Bowden for ineptitude, VT has a chance to become a national championship level team.

2. Big XII – Tomek

1. Texas: Ah, the flagship of our conference. Texas is the delegate chosen to represent the Big XII in the BCS year in and year out. Following strict Big XII tradition, Texas’ schedule will be filled to the brim with cupcakes to ensure an undefeated season. The one yearly exception, of course, will be the most prestigious out of conference matchup in the nation, the Red River Rivalry.

2. Texas Tech: In an effort to reach out and capture the younger generation, the Big XII decides to save the “Playstation offense.” With Mike Leach button mashing the controller, the conference can maintain a firm grip on every passing record within the 48 contiguous states of America. Furthermore, Texas Tech provides the Republic of the Big XII with a navy, a meteorological service, and tortillas.

3. Texas A&M: The other teams in the conference bring talent to the field; A&M chooses to provide the intangibles. What’s not to love about the little brother of our conference? A&M might have more history and tradition than the rest of the conference put together, but until it learns to take itself a little less seriously during its down years, we reserve the right to bully them, call them mean nicknames, and give them wedgies.

3. Big East – settes

1. West Virginia: A logical choice here. Here’s a team with a tremendous chance to become the next Miami. Not in the multiple National Championships and Heisman awards way, but more in the “We’re Most Ashamed Of Our Alumni” way. Obviously, Pacman Jones and Chris Henry are the front-runners for this recognition although there are some elder statesmen in Mike Vanderjagt and Todd Sauerbrun, the two biggest asshole special teams players in history. We have great hope for them here at the Big East Conference. In fact, we have our fingers crossed that Noel Devine decides to show up.

2. Louisville: Ah, the newcomer to the conference. Shouldn’t we feel obligated to take a team who has been with us since the beginning? These guys have only been here for what, two years? Why not take a team that’s been loyal to the conference, one that was inexorably linked to the creation of the conference, like Pittsburgh or Syracuse? Because they suck. Hard.

3. Rutgers: A dark horse candidate here. Many questions linger for the 2007 season. Was this past year a fluke, or can Ray Rice and Coach Schiano keep this underdog team from New Jersey in the national spotlight and Top 25 over the next upcoming years? Hell no. But c’mon, who else can I take? Cincinnati? South Florida? UConn? Syracuse? I am quite literally out of options here. In fact, I originally tried taking a non-football member of the conference. Yes, I would rather have a school whose best football team is comprised of freshmen who play with a Nerf ball in the hallways of the dorm than the Scarlet Knights. You know what? Fuck it. I’m taking Georgetown. GO HOYAS WOOOOOOOO

4. Mid-Majors – David Klingler

1. Boise State is my western school. Can’t make a mid-major superconference without Boise now, they’re too super-amazing right now – five WAC titles in a row and probably would win the next fifteen, one BCS win, a #2 ranking among non-communist college football fans, and an upcoming Disney movie are what BSU brings. Word is last week, Oklahoma’s dignity tried to break out of the blue turf it’s buried in, but some farmers poked it a few times with pitchforks and it laid back down. Expect the turf under the 50 yard line to be cemented.

2. TCU is my central school. TCU switches conferences more often than Alabama fires coaches, so they’re a good pick to force into a conference. Besides, they’re pretty good and produced, like, the best football player ever, LaDainian Tomlinson. On the field they’re just okay, but they’re a Texas school and Texas leads all states but the city of Gainesville, Florida in football prowess, and uh something about recruits.

3. ECU is my eastern school. Boise and TCU are the good teams of the trio, but like Texas A&M, ECU brings some important tools to the Superconference:

1. ECU hates having to be stuck with the lowly, ghetto, ghetto rats in Conference USA and is incredibly jealous of the Big East. In the Superconference, they’ll get to prove they nearly didn’t belong in C-USA.

2. As an extension, they serve as a doormat and an easy mark.

3. Thirdly, ECU brings the heat better than any mid-major, and while Carolina BBQ is alright, I mean ECU girls blow away the rest of the mid-majors’ silly coeds. If there was a hotness BCS, they’d be in the SEC by now. ECU gets this by in a unique position because while they’re in North Carolina, UNC and Duke are for smarties and gays and all the ugly people go to NC State. So, that means all the dumb and hot chicks have to go to ECU to stay in-state. With the amazing ECU coeds, keeping up with the higher payroll of the other conferences is easy as long as someone distracts the NCAA.

Why no Notre Dame? The Midmajor Superconference needs teams that can win when it comes down to it, dammit, not be hyped to hell and then lose. We thrive in darkness when someone ignores us for not having enough payroll. It’s like the Kansas City Royals, but with fans. ECU’s our doormat anyways, dammit. Go be a beached whale in the Big 10.

5. Pac 10 – Michael McDonald

1. Southern Cal: Everyone hates them, but their success has been something no one can ignore since the turn of the millennium. Pete Carroll is going to continue to recruit 9 Top 100 RBs every season and line them all up at linebacker and safety. Is this eventually going to bite them in the ass and allow top talent to go elsewhere in hopes of getting playing time at the position they want to play and were recruited for? Fuck no, these are dumb 17 and 18 year old kids, all they care about is USC IS NUMBER ONE THREE STRAIGHT NATIONAL TITLES WOOOOO

2. Oregon: Always seeming to be just barely in the mix, the Ducks provide a team that is able to pull in top recruiting classes and plenty of 8 win seasons. Their coach is a whiny asshole, which will make for plenty of national exposure as ESPN will come racing to him to see what his latest beef is and why he’s decided to buy a billboard in Times Square telling people to vote Dennis Dixon for Heisman. Or maybe Brady Leaf. Who cares. Really, the only reason they’re here is because I got sent a free pair of Air Jordans for including them.

3. Washington: The history is there, and up until recently, they were one of the schools people would think of when they thought of good west coast football. Improving after a terrible 3 year stretch which is all Rick Neuhisal’s fault. A top-40 class after a 5-7 season that was riddled with injury should lead to good things in the future. Plus, who the hell else am I going to take? Oregon State? Stanford? Either Arizona school? Yeah, right.

6. Big Ten – Shooter McGavin

1-2. Ohio State and Michigan: No-brainers here. And no, that’s not a critique of the players’ GPAs. These two teams are the class of the conference. There is never a time that both have had bad years at the same time. They continually prove their dominance year in and year out, never losing to Northwestern and never blowing their first out of conference road game.

3. Wisconsin: This pick was significantly more difficult. I went to process of elimination for this one. Iowa? Fuck them, those underachieving cornfuckers. Someone else can take their future NFL busts and mediocre QBs. Penn State had a strong case as well, but I still have some bitterness over all the shit I have to hear about the “Big 11″ ever since they joined. I’d rather let Zombie Paterno eat the brains of the Big East.

7. SEC – SEC Speed

1. Alabama: Self-Proclaimed 100-time national champions, the SEC would be nothing without these Crimson NCAA violations with helmets. Lesser choices Auburn and LSU were skipped because, well, neither coach is the second coming of Paul “Bear” Bryant like Nick Saban is. That, and Tyrone Prothro is AWESOME. Plus, we here at the Southeastern Conference are not going to inflict Tuscaloosa on anyone else.

2.Tennessee: Because there’s no fight song (kind of) like motherfucking Rocky Top. Everyone else went with homer picks, so I might as well. The Vols are the save here because they have the man who embodies everything that’s wrong with SEC football: Phillip Fulmer. Be it letting his players pillage, kill and rape Eastern Tennessee, or tattling on other coaches, he’s the man who started it all in the SEC. Its not called the Fulmer Cup for nothing, folks. Also, any team with a player named Jim Bob Cooter gets an automatic pass.

3. Florida: TEBOW TEBOW TEBOW TEBOW. As this man has already been accepted as white Michael Vick, Florida is ready for a quarterback whose gimmick takes teams off guard, then settles into his main two talents: Running left out of the shotgun, and the dreaded 5 yard pass. Florida’s deal with the devil keeps them in the SEC rather than the cupcake Big East like they wanted. Another part of that deal is that UF has to wear those uniforms with the orange sleeve. You know the one.

Every year, across all colleges, both powerhouses and the middist of the midmajors, athletes that love to play football perform amazing feats of strength, dexterity, and endurance that captivate fans all across America. Names like Reggie Bush, Vince Young, Antonio Pittman, and Paul Posluszny provide hours of highlight reel footage.But, as the sands of time fall through the cracks of the gridiron, these superstars depart to the ranks of the NFL, making way for the next generation of college talent. That’s the way it should be.

Which is why I’m outraged at T. Boone Pickens recent funding to Oklahoma State’s biomedical school. His interest in cloning the entire NCAA Hall of Fame, raising them in his athletic village north of the Stillwater campus, and having them all be recruited by the Cowboys is an affront to both God and gridiron. His idea, which would include miracles of both science and Keith Jackson in the orange and black, would permanently disgrace college football.

The first question is how the rule books would be rewritten. If Tim Rattay, second all-time in yards, is cloned and throws for 4000 yards to clones of Scott Pingle and Dallas Mall, does that make him the all-time leading scorer? He has a huge advantage over all other non-clones, even if clone Rattay decides to go pro early so the 49′ers can bench him.

Also, we bring into the question nature versus nurture. Was Gary ‘Big Hands’ Johnson literally born to play college football? Or did his upbringing force him into it, a la Eli Manning?

This is why I’m proposing the following amendment: No sequence of DNA may play college football for more than four years. It’s not good enough that people can only play four years: we must limit it to their very genetic makeup. Part of what makes college football so special is the flash-in-the-pan impact that these athletic superstars can have. Cheered by some, vilified by others, the emotions that they create allow fans to form attachments to their achievements.

Which brings me to my final points. Whether T. Boone Pickens likes it or not, if he actually goes through with the idea he got from Space Jam and creates his army of legendary football players, Oklahoma State will be swamped with bandwagon fans. People that loved Tracy Rocker, Jeff Bentrim, Jack Ham, and Kevin Butler (well, maybe not Butler) will pop up out of nowhere.  Sure, it may seem awesome that Oklahoma State will be getting respect, but they’ll be getting the same respect that the Yankees or Patriots currently get. Loved by ESPN; hated by everyone that gets sick of the talk about reigning dynasties and thinks cloning is the result of genius gone mad.

T. Boone Pickens needs to walk away from this commitment. While I applaud his efforts at supporting the biomedical field, it’s clear that his heart is in the wrong place.

Besides, Mark May would play tackle. Who wants that?

The Rumor Mill returns this week with several juicy scoops. Is Nick Saban ready to jump ship to the Maize and Blue? Bulldogs blue balled? Denim Menace? And John L. Smith’s heart ripped a flunder, all in this week’s dish.

Alabama fans, don’t give up hope of using necromancy to raise the Bear just yet. An anonymous booster close to the Tide AD recently informed us, strictly off the record of course, that Nick Saban was recently house-hunting in Ann Arbor…Hold onto your hats, because this one’s a doozy: the playing time disputes in Fayetteville are far from over. Felix Jones was recently seen storming off the field after a particularly heated argument with Coach Nutt. With Darren McFadden already being solicited by IMG and Drew Rosenhaus, this bears watching as it could be disasterous for the Razorbacks…John L. Smith is not using his current unemployment as an excuse to get him down. Continuing his trend of spending his offseasons adventuring instead of developing players, Smith was recently spotted in Shanghai looking for a guide to help him reach the Temple of Kali. Look for Smith to be a candidate for the already-rumored potential openings in South Bend, Syracuse, Berkeley, and Lubbock next fall…Temple has pre-emptively applied for membership in the WAC for the 2017 season…

In a shocking development, sources in Gainesville swear up and down that Percy Harvin will give up football after the spring semester to focus on a burgeoning career in the ministry…Coaches in Athens are worried that super-freshman Caleb King might not make it to campus in the fall after a recent felony charges for assaulting a transvestite prostitute…Congratulations go out to Mark Mangino for winning the seventeenth-annual Douglas County potato sack race. In a classy move, he has announced that his winnings and back fat will be donated towards helping to feed the starving in Sri Lanka…Spies in Charlottesville think Al Groh’s position is rather tenuous at this point. That’s hardly news, but the particular reason why might shed a little more light on the situation. Groh’s wife Anne reportedly ran out of the Charlottesville Marriott in tears. Hoping to surprise her husband with tickets to Hawaii for their second honeymoon, the story goes that the future ex-Mrs. Groh found her husband cavorting with a leggy blonde…

A recent emergency session of the NCAA’s rules comittee tackled the increasing prevalence of jean shorts on college campuses throughout the country. Over the bitter objections of UCLA’s Karl Dorrell, the committee overwhelmingly approved appointing a special task force to further study the volatile issue…Mountaineer Coach Rich Rodriguez, increasingly frustrated with his attempts to get through to enigmatic sophomore Jason Gwaltney, has taken to a surprising strategy: in an effort to teach him the meaning of what it is to be a “true Mountaineer”, Rich Rod has invited alumni Adam Jones and Chris Henry back to campus for a series of mentoring sessions…Hawaii QB Colt Brennan was recently subject to a restraining order filed in a Honolulu Court. In a culmination of an increasingly bizarre series of events, Brennan must now stay 300 yards away from a local woman at all times…Wisconsin Tight End Travis Beckum will miss the rest of spring practice due to frequent nosebleeds…Which incoming freshman quarterback was recently spotted discretely leaving a gay bath house in South Bend? Our lips are sealed…Many ACC assistants are seemingly convinced that this is the year that Duke finally takes the leap to respectability.

INDIANAPOLIS – NCAA President Myles Brand announced today that as part of the new Collective Bargaining with the NCAA Players’ Association, a Salary Cap will be instituted beginning in the 2008 season. Details of the agreement, including the cap figures, are not available at this time.

Some observers are calling this the biggest development in the college game since the popularization of the forward pass or the creation of the Bowl Championship Series, which removed all controversy from the yearly awarding of the National Championship.

Under the new salary cap, teams would be limited as to how much money they could pay each player. Lately the problem had gotten out of hand, as their was disparity between the payrolls of teams in major media markets like Nebraska and teams in smaller media markets like Temple. Blue chip recruits would be offered millions of dollars to attend college for up to three years instead of entering the NFL draft directly out of high school.

Reactions to Dr. Brand’s announcement were mixed. One proponent is Boise State head coach Chris Petersen, who overcame mid-major status to beat Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl. “This is definitely the beginning of a new era of Boise State football” Petersen said. “Prior to this we had to go to great lengths to increase revenue, like painting our field blue. [Former Boise State coach and current Colorado coach Dan] Hawkins had to leave because his eyes were hurting too bad. Also, blue is an unappetizing color, so all of my linemen were too skinny.”

Will Boise’s trademark trickery change as a result? “Oh most definitely. The only way we could beat a big team was by using Jap Plays. No self respecting coach wants to win that way. There will be no more cheating from us now.

“Except of course for putting steroids in the guys’ potatoes.”

The players, on the other hand, are very frustrated by the new rules. One of them is former Ohio State receiver Anthony Gonzalez, who created controversy before the BCS Championship game when he said that players were not properly compensated. “Wat joo talkin’ bout, mang?” Gonzalez said from his hypoxic tent when asked for comment. “Arriba. Andale.”

One major program that could be affected is Notre Dame, which paid a $51 million posting fee to win the right to sign QB recruit Jimmy Clausen. Still, coach Charlie Weis approaches the new rule with his typical aloofness. “It really doesn’t matter. Even if we can’t take advantage of the payroll we had throughout our championship period of the late 1990s, we still have other resources to attract players. I mean, why go to USC or Miami when you can come live in South Bend, Indiana for four years?”