The first one is believing it yourself!

I had to refill a prescription for estrogen the week after my final blood test came back positive, so I was maybe 3 weeks pregnant. When the pharmacist at Duane Reade handed me the bottle, I noticed there were stickers on it that read, “Do not take if you are pregnant or nursing.” I called her over and asked her to confirm this for me thinking maybe I had made a mistake, and I was supposed to stop taking the estrogen once my pregnancy was confirmed. She said to me, “You’re not pregnant, right?” and for the first time aloud to a stranger, I said the words, “Yes, I’m pregnant.” Over the next 9 months, even when I was noticeably pregnant, I still would hear myself saying the words and think, “Really? Or are you just crazy?” I used to watch way too many soap operas. Maybe I was having some sort of breakdown, and everyone I knew had been told to play along and not point out to me how ridiculous I sounded telling people I was pregnant at age 50. Like, never wake a sleepwalker, and don’t tell the old gal she’s not pregnant.

It is also nearly impossible to find age-appropriate maternity clothes at 50, not surprisingly I guess. It the same reason VH1 doesn’t have a show called “50 and Pregnant.” How big could that target market possibly be? Work clothes weren’t too bad; I just found black stretchy pants and big tops and that worked through my 7th month, when I went out on leave (more about that early leave later). But as far as casual clothes, almost all of them are designed to fit pregnant young 20-ish women who still want to go out clubbing. Case in point:

Yes, it’s a cute dress, but I wouldn’t wear that now pregnant or not pregnant. The “skirt-above-the-knee”
ship sailed in the late 90s, as well it should have. Not to mention the “upper-arm-spaghetti-strap” train, which left the station in the 80s….Let’s not even talk about the “no-need-to-wear-a-bra” bus….

Then again, no one at any age should be forced to dress like this:

Although that hat definitely would have covered up my gray roots, and no one could accuse me of trying to look like a hipster in that creation.

I opened my mailbox one day to find an AARP invitation mailer AND a Victoria Secret catalog in the same delivery. Well, I thought it was funny.

On the other hand, there were the moments that made me realize just how lucky we are. I had two women approach me when my condition became obvious to share their stories with me. I referred both to CWRC, and maybe one day I’ll hear wonderful news from them.

I keep thinking of “our miracle,” which D objects to. We are both, on our most spiritual days, agnostics, and I don’t mean miracle in a jesus-y, burning bush kind of way, but he is a miracle.

I’ll explain more in my next post.

Next time: My scariest night.

Thanks for following and reading! I’d love to hear your story of IVF. Please leave your comments below.

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At the moment I’m in a kind of dull, numbing, peaceful trance that I can attribute to not sleeping last night, 30 mg of adderall, and spending time outside in weather above 60 degrees.

I checked my voicemail around 8:30 this morning and discovered that the agent at the egg donation clinic cancelled my morning appointment. It disappointed me, but I really wasn’t prepared for the interview/meeting anyway. My school’s wellness center still has not received the results of my last pap smear exam, and I’m confused about a couple of the forms that I’m supposed to bring to the meeting. The cancellation also worked out for the best because I was able to go work with Sally (elderly woman who I am caretaker for) today instead of skipping it for the interview.

I fell asleep on the couch at Sally’s because she took a nap for the first hour or so that I was there. After that I vacuumed almost the entire house, but  luckily enough I love vacuuming with this family’s vacuüm. It’s so light and smooth, and I’ve wanted that vacuüm since the first day I used it. It’s a $300 vacuüm and eventually I hope to own it or whatever newer model they’ve come out with.

Sally wanted to go outside because the weather is so beautifully warm today. I thought we’d take a walk to the lake but instead she wanted to sit in the backyard, so we sat in painted white chairs and chatted. I realized what a unique and distinct feeling that comes into me when I’m outside. Even just near a couple of tiny birds in the backyard of a condo in Chicago, something different happens to the mind and body on days like this. What would it be like to live somewhere perpetually sunny and warm? The ability stay outside without shivering is so sacred and valuable to me. The feeling doesn’t go away after months of it during the summer. Life is contemplative in a drastically new way when I can smell warmth and life. I grew up adoring the rain and the grey skies of Oregon, and I do still love rain and clouds in their romantic way. Natural warmth, however, always feels unprecedented and takes me to a meditative place that helps me to see things more simply.

Sitting outside and talking with Sally brought me to a simple place that I think is extremely insightful and clarifying enter. I listened to her tell anecdotes about classmates in a tiny farming town in North Dakota where she grew up. I realized how long it had been since I’d been able to place myself into a simple perspective. To sit outside and breathe in air and discuss just simple, concrete things about life felt pretty deep and meaningful. I looked at my everyday distress and obsessions and mental trials and they seemed so much to exist in a different world than this simple one. All the stress and terror and loathing seemed so unnecessary. I would like to try to harness and cultivate the tranquility and simplicity of sitting outside and starting at a bird bath or an overgrown plant. I’m not sure how I could go about this, but I know that this brought me into a state that radiated love and energy.

Now I’m back in my bedroom with a 40 oz of Budweiser on my nightstand because I’m trying to stave off an adderall comedown and get some sleep. My roommate and her friend visiting from Detroit are in the kitchen cooking and listening to oldie hippie music. It’s actually really pleasant and relaxing to listen to them despite my anxiety over laying in bed trying to avoid behaving like a normal person until I’m rested and somewhat functioning better.

I don’t know if it’s numbness due to antidepressants, adderall, or just depression itself, but each day it’s easier and easier for me to just understand that whatever happens, happens.

I also called Premera today because our healthcare starts over April 1 and there is a new plan that we can choose to participate in. I found out they offer 15k lifetime in infertility benefits which is great because our current plan offers 10k lifetime and we have almost used that up with all the months of trying to get my lining thick. There will be more out of pocket costs with this new plan but its so wonderful that we can start over with coverage, plus now we seem to know how to thicken my lining so it shouldn’t (knock on wood) take so long next time.

We’ve started having discussions on what to do next if this next transfer doesn’t work but really I think we should be continuing with positive thoughts that the next one WILL work and when the time comes, if we decide to have more children, when we decide to have more, then we will figure out what to do then. I think we are a little discouraged about using the same clinic but there are ups and downs everywhere you go and I really like the care I’ve been getting so we’ll just have to see what happens. To be continued…

-H

Female age is perhaps the “biggest enemy” to fertility.Advanced Age plays an important role in a woman’s ability to become pregnant and carry a pregnancy to term. It has become a more prevalent cause of infertility and the fertility clinic are having more and more couples with infertility problems. There is no universal definition of advanced reproductive age in women.The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) defines infertility as the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected, regular intercourse. The time is shortened to six months in women over 35 because of the rapid loss of fertility that can occur in this age group. These women should see a reproductive endocrinologist, infertility specialist as soon as possible.

Management of infertility and pregnancy in women of advanced age

Infertility in women’s has increased over the last several years as more and more women choose to delay childbearing.A higher percentage of women are marrying at older ages, many are delaying childbearing until their careers are established, the divorce rate is high and many couples remarry and desire their own children.It is clear that the biological clock is not in sync with these societal changes as a woman’s greatest fertility occurs in her teens and twenties. The rise in the number of women waiting until later in life to have children increases their chances of infertility and remaining childless.

Fertility clearly declines with advancing age, especially after the mid-30s, and women who conceive are at greater risk of pregnancy complications.Egg quality declines measurably in the mid to late thirties and most women will reach perimenopause by age 43. The ages vary considerably in different women and some will experience premature menopause, which can occur much earlier.However, studies have generally shown that women over 45 years of age or over 50 years of age have good pregnancy outcomes and are able to cope with the physical and emotional stresses of pregnancy and parenting. With use of assisted reproductive techniques (ART), births have been reported to several women at the age of 66 years and at 70 also. The oldest woman to achieve a naturally conceived pregnancy was 57 years old.

Evaluation for Age related Infertility Treatment Clinics India

The major hurdles faced by the women with advanced age and infertility are covered in the following.

1] Down Syndrome babies:
The advanced age in the women increases the chances of genetic problems.This is the reason for the increased risk of Down Syndrome babies in women over age 35. At age 25, 1 in 250 women will give birth to a child with Down Syndrome. At age 30, it’s a 1 in 952 risk, and by age 35, the chance is 1 in 378.

2] Miscarriage:
As per the statistics risk for miscarriage also rises with the age. About 10% of pregnancies end in miscarriage for women in their early 20s. By the early 30s, 12% of women experience miscarriages. After age 35, 18% of pregnancies will end in miscarriage. And in the early 40s, 34% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.

3] Quality of Matured Eggs:
As women age infertility increases.Age and infertility are directly correlated and age is a common cause of infertility.

Women are born with all of the eggs that are needed for a lifetime. Once menstruation begins, an egg(s) is ovulated each month until the menopause.As women age,their eggs begin to lose their ability to fertilize and develop into a healthy fetus, the condition is known as reduced ovarian reserve. After menopause, the condition is known as ovarian failure and menopause can occur at much earlier ages than predicted.Fortunately, donor egg IVF is available for women who cannot become pregnant using their own eggs due to age related infertility.Donors are healthy, screened, younger women who wish to donate their eggs to help infertile couples. In the infertility treatment called In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), success rates using donor eggs are high being equivalent to the age of the donor. For example, if the eggs from a younger women between the age of 22-25 is used in an IVF cycle with a women aging 40 years,  the success rates equal the 22-25 year old age group. Donors are compensated for their time and efforts.Those who cannot conceive with donor eggs due to some problems can also opt for surrogacy option using the services of surrogate mother.

4] Pr-Existing Conditions:
Advanced maternal age is often linked to high blood pressure and diabetes that can affect pregnancy. For example, if diabetes is not controlled, it can contribute to birth defects, miscarriage, while high blood pressure can affect fetal growth by slowing it down.

Egg freezing is a process that could dramatically help many women wanting to preserve their fertility.Those who are young and do not want to have pregnancy at this age have started freezing their egg for their future.Young womens who have fertile eggs are choosing the option of egg freezing for their future motherhood.

A Journey Through Infertility: Advanced Maternal Age

Donor oocytes and menopausal pregnancy: Oocyte donation to women of advanced reproductive age: pregnancy results and obstetrical outcomes in patients 45 years and older

However most women in their late 30s and 40s can look forward to healthy pregnancies and prevent a high risk pregnancy. Women of all ages can improve their chances of having a healthy pregnancy when they follow simple steps.

* Have a preconception check-up with your doctor or infertility specialist.
* Relax and have a happy attitude. Emotional well being can also affect your pregnancy.The mental state of the mother can affect the health of the child.
* The average time it takes a couple over 35 to conceive is 1-2 years, so try to remain positive if you do not become pregnant immediately.
* Visit your doctor at the earliest if you haven’t conceived after 6 months of purposeful intercourse.
* Begin pregnancy at a healthy weight.
* Avoid alcohol,smoking and caffeine which can negatively affect fertility.
* Eat plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables,vitamins and drink purified water.
* Use over-the-counter tests that help screen for key elements either male or female fertility.

Pregnant women who are classified as having advanced maternal age are not sick, this is not a disease, so do not get alarmed, just do your best to have a healthy life style to ensure a healthy pregnancy.

Despite these grim statistics, not everyone will have trouble getting pregnant after 35. However, if you are having trouble, and you’re older than 35,you shouldn’t try on your own for longer than six months. The sooner you get help, the better your chances of treatment success. Uncover a wealth of valuable information that can significantly increase a couple’s chances of pregnancy through IVF.

Uncover a wealth of valuable information that can significantly increase a couple’s chances of pregnancy through IVF.

Contact For more detailed information on Egg freezing,freezing eggs,fertility egg freezing,egg donation, oocyte,fertility egg freezing,donor eggs,oocyte donor,fertility egg donation,Infertility Clinics India,Infertility Clinic India,fertility clinics,egg donation,ivf procedure,ivf treatment,ivf process,in vitro fertilization india,Donor oocytes and menopausal pregnancy.

Contact Infertility Clinic Providing One stop Fertility Solutions at:

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info.wewantababy@gmail.com

I didn’t know until the first failed cycle that one cycle is considered complete when fertilization has been attempted, i.e., that the donor has contributed eggs, and D has contributed sperm. Whether or not the fertilization is actually successful doesn’t matter. Once fertilization has been attempted, even if no viable blastocytes are produced, the cycle is over. In the two previous cycles, we had never gotten to the egg retrieval process because our doctor felt the donors weren’t going to be able to produce viable eggs.

Towards the end of September, we got the first call from Nurse Giggles telling us that this time was the charm; our donor’s levels were exactly where they should be and the situation was a “go.” D had to report at 7:30am on a Sunday morning. He had to bring ID and follow some pretty funny, but I’m sure quite necessary rules, like he was not to joke about why he was there or make any silly comments. I’m sure working in the sperm retrieval department of a fertility clinic, you must just hear it all and it must get pretty old pretty quickly.

Twenty-four hours before reporting at the clinic, sperm donors are supposed to ejaculate. When we first heard this, we speculated about the call coming while D was at work or in some other inconvenient place. It will come as a great relief, I’m sure, to any of D’s colleagues reading this that this did not happen. The call came over the weekend.

At the same time that D was making his contribution, the egg donor would report to another floor of the clinic for her surgery to retrieve the eggs. To protect her privacy, I was not allowed to accompany D to his appointment. I was also not supposed to be near the clinic at all. Especially because this was all happening on a Sunday when very few people would be around the clinic, it would be relatively easy to spot our donor if  I stood, let’s say, in the lobby of the building. In the months that I had been going in for morning monitoring on weekdays, I started to spot the donors coming in for retrieval. They usually had a suitcase or overnight bag with them and weren’t alone. They were undergoing anesthesia and would need to stay for several hours and be accompanied home. I, of course, stayed home that Sunday while D went in.

Then the waiting…would the eggs actually fertilize and would some or any be deemed viable for transfer? If not, if we wanted to try again, we would be on the hook for another full cycle at 31K. Fortunately for us, 3 days later, we heard miraculous and wonderful news! Forty eggs had been retrieved and 7 looked good! We would have to wait another couple days, but the news was as good as we could hope for at this point.

Finally, 2 days later, we found out that 4 of the blasts looked viable and that our embryo transfer procedure could be scheduled for October 1, 2010!

Next time: Pregnant until proven otherwise!

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And it’s not straightforward.  Whilst I have personally never come across anyone who wants to know which celebrity their donor might resemble, it appears that something of the ‘meat market’ American culture is entering the minds of some potential recipients of donor eggs or sperm.  One clinic has reported recipients wanting to know the educational level of the donor’s siblings as well as the donor themselves and would-be parents discriminating against a donor because of their spelling and grammar.  This is when they have had sight of pen portraits and goodwill messages written by donors prior to treatment.  As someone who values literacy and good spelling I find this last one really difficult because I think I could have been one of these people.  As it was, Walter and I had no choice whatsoever about our donors and maybe that is just as well.  On the other hand, if knowing something about the donor helps recipients feel comfortable about welcoming a donor conceived child into their family and supports them in sharing that information with their child as s/he grows up, then shouldn’t they be able to have all non-identifying information before having this person’s genes as part of their family make-up?

What seems to be needed is much more attention, interest and oversight paid to the collection and recording of donor information by clinic staff.   There are  examples of some very good practice in clinics where a counsellor will see donors to make sure that they understand all the implications of what they are doing.  They can also help them complete the pen-portrait and goodwill message with high quality but truthful information that will be helpful to recipients in the short term and the child as they grow up, but without identifying themselves or using the sort of language that appears to be attracting people to choose them over someone else.  There is also the possibility at this stage of helping correct less than perfect grammar and spelling thus removing a bias that reflects more on class than on genetically inherited characteristics.

The interests of everyone in the donor triangle would be served if there was consistency between clinics about the way in which donor information was obtained, recorded and transmitted to would-be recipients.  And as with many things, a lot relies on HOW this is done as much as the procedures in place.   Those of us who have thought a lot about this would be delighted to assist the HFEA in drawing up guidelines and templates to assist all clinics in consistently fulfilling their eight year old requirements that recipients should receive ALL non-identifying information about donors prior to treatment.  We await their call.

Link here to my January blog on this topic http://oliviasview.wordpress.com/2012/01/22/why-are-some-clinics-restricting-information-about-donors/

We are using our scan’s as landmarks or targets if you prefer.  Our only goal is to get to the next one.

on the 2nd February we had our 20 week scan, this is the full diagnostic scan as with any other pregnancy, just longer because we are carrying to babies.

The sonographer was excellent and gave us litterally hundreds of photo’s.  It’s starting to feel real now.

All the measurements were perfect and they were able to identify that we will be having 2 boys.

There is however, a problem with one of the placentas slightly covering the uterus, technical term placenta previa.  This means my wife needs to be super careful with carrying and heavy walking etc.  We are hoping this has resolved by the 24 week scan.

We are getting excited now, starting to plan the nursery and have told our Son there is going to be a new addition to the family (we haven’t told him there is 2 yet).  We’ve told the family and friends that my wife is pregnant as well and some close friends about the twins.  We are leaving this as a suprise for our families.  Although, we don’t think that my wife is going to be able to hide it for long.

Next target, 24 week scan 1st March 2012.  It’s going to be an interesting year!

At least for the next cycle, I knew that the side effects were minimal and that I would be able to keep all my 7:30 am appointments at CWRC without missing any work. It became critical over the course of the next 18 months that I managed my time off very, very carefully and not use a minute more of the time off I was allotted. Although for 3.5 years, I had a wonderful job with great bosses, that was soon to change drastically. I started reporting to a new boss that summer, and this boss began “building a case” to fire me. Very, very nasty and horribly stressful for me. More on that later.

In the meantime, our friends had followed our progress and were all disappointed for us and wanted to know the details. Almost every single person we told among our friends and family were completely supportive, but we did have some funny reactions. One friend looked directly at me when I told her we were undergoing IVF and said, “You’re too old.” No doubts where she stood on the topic. Then, there’s my friend, Lisa. I think Lisa would be the first to admit that she holds very little back on any subject at any time, ever. That’s the charm of Lisa. She believes in confronting issues head-on, discussing them, holding nothing back, getting it all out, in other words, she’s not Irish.

Lisa had “ethical” objections, which I think had to do with the donor’s rights and her long-term health or the whole “business” of egg donation in which young woman are paid to provide eggs. I also think Lisa was terrified for me and my health and ability to carry a baby at my age. She had been there with me in 2002 when my back was out and I didn’t work (or walk) for months and months on end. This was 3 years before I even met D, so she had an understanding of exactly how bad my back was that D couldn’t.

Meanwhile at CWRC, Alyssa the donor coordinator began looking for another match for us. We were placed at the top of list this time because of the previous failure, and within weeks, we got a call. She had another potential match for us.

What can I say except that our first donor was a hard act to follow. The first match had just been so perfect in every way, and this second match was wonderful, too, but there was one part of her background that made us a little nervous. She was born in a region that had experienced an environmental disaster just about the time she was born. It was the sort of disaster that could possibly cause problems in the next generation. ‘Nuff said.

We called Alyssa the next day to talk about our concerns. She told us that part of the screening process for the donors is a detailed investigation of environmental issues. For example, any young woman who was in the UK for any length of time, even vacations, during the 80s was banned from donating because of the potential exposure to mad-cow disease. We were reassured, and so at the end of May, 2010, we started again with the nightly Lupron injections. We were told that having a donor dismissed was an extremely rare occurrence, so the odds that could happen to us against were teensy….wait, did you just hear music?……….

Next time: Third time’s a charm?

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A few times during this process, I had to report to CWRC for morning monitoring. This consists of having blood drawn to check hormone levels and then having a transvaginal sonogram to check my ovaries for cysts. Have I mentioned before just how damn lucky I am to live in NYC? Not just for the transvaginal sonograms, because who wouldn’t jump at one of those? But because I live 4 subway stops from one of the best fertility clinics in the world, and it happens to be right on my way to work. Over the months of morning monitoring and other testing I had to go through, I was never once even a minute late for work. In fact I was usually earlier than I was on non-testing days. Oh, and yes, I did say “months” of monitoring rather than the typical five weeks it usually takes from the first day of injecting to the transfer day. I promise by the end of this post, you will know why it took months instead of weeks. And that, my friends, is known as foreshadowing. Or for the movies fans among you, this is when the bad music plays in the background as the slutty girl starts down the basement stairs….

After about 2.5 weeks on the Lupron, I was told to start taking Estrace (Estrogen) twice a day. The donor began a different course of hormones meant to stimulate egg production. She would also be coming in for blood testing and monitoring, but the donors go to a different floor of the building at a different time so that you don’t have a situation where all the prospective mothers are sitting in the same waiting room with all the donors.

So in about 4 weeks, the donor would start the last injections and tests. Within 5 days, she would be ready for egg retrieval and D would be called in to provide the sperm. I was told during the orientation session with Nurse Giggler that we would get reports on the donor’s progress; we would be allowed to know her “levels,” whatever that meant, but that at least “100″ for the first test was the standard they look for. Then, every other day, her levels were supposed to double until the 5th day, when the retrieval surgery would take place. I would have to come in for a “lining check,” also, to make sure my uterus was ready for the embryo transfer.

Looking back now on the whole process, from initial consultation to the last appointment with my OB, I counted 112 appointments in about 2.5 years! This includes exams, tests, blood tests at labs, morning monitoring, oh and dentist appointments. I seriously got to the point where I sort of wanted to go to the doctor. I mean, not really, but if for any reason I didn’t have a doctor’s appointment, I started to feel a little, I don’t know exactly what, maybe neglected? It was a very weird feeling, especially from someone who previously would only go to the GYN once a year and hated that.

I was at work in mid-March when I got the call I had been waiting weeks for! Nurse Giggler was calling to tell me how the donor was doing. I was so excited I could barely breathe. I was at work and I had to scramble to find an empty conference room or office so that I could take the call in private, so it took me a minute or two, and I was ready to hear the news, but as it turned out, it was not the news I was hoping for. Our donor, who did everything exactly as she was supposed to and through no fault of her own, was not at the level she was supposed to be. Instead of a reading of “100″ that morning, her reading came back at “80.” Nurse Giggler told me that sometimes the first reading was low, but that the next one would “catch up” and all would be fine. I should still come in for my lining check as scheduled with my doctor, but that we should prepare ourselves for all outcomes. The donor’s next blood test was in 48 hours.

D and I went out to dinner that night. We decided to try to be optimistic about it, but it was hard not to be upset. Would our shot be over before I even really had a chance? We had already paid the 30K and we didn’t really happen to have another 30K laying around the house. What we didn’t understand was that our 30K entitled us to actual eggs. If this donor didn’t work out, we would have the opportunity to try another cycle with her, or we could go back to square one and be matched with a new donor. But either way, it would mean another whole cycle for me too, including another 4 to 5 weeks of injections and hormone treatments.

Two days later, the news wasn’t any better. The donor’s levels had come up, but not enough. There was one more chance two days later, and on the other hand, my lining check was very good, so I was where I needed to be if the egg retrieval did take place.

We waited another 48 hours, and then my phone rang at work. This time it was Dr. Nakhuda himself and not Nurse Giggler. I knew what that meant immediately. Our donor had still not come up to the level he wanted to see. A sonogram did show follicles, but his opinion was that we should try again. I was very disappointed, but since I hadn’t realized that we would get another shot for our 30K, there was a bright lining to the cloud.

Now to the difficult decision: should we try again with our “perfect” donor, or should we go back and match to another? Our donor was at the end of the acceptable age range, but she had donated successfully for them before. Dr. Nakhuda told me that it could simply be a fluke bad cycle, and that she would do great the next time. Or not. There was just no telling. I asked him what he recommended, and he said, “go for a new donor.” That was it for me.

But our donor, I can’t imagine how she must have felt. I look back on the notes I took when her profile was read to us. She said she wanted to donate because her family had tragically lost a child (her brother) when he was 8 years old. She saw the devastation first-hand of parents who missed a child so badly, and she thought being an egg donor could help someone become a parent where there was no other hope. Not to mention that since she never went through the retrieval, she didn’t receive the $8,000 compensation. After more than a month of needles, pills, blood tests, sonograms, and then finally, really really painful injections, she walked away with nothing.

I wish I could have let her know how badly I felt for her. I wish I could have hugged her and told her how much we appreciated what she went through and that she was willing to do something so wonderful for total strangers makes her a much better woman than I’ll ever be. I also wish she was compensated. I’m not saying that I wanted to pay another 8K to try again with another donor, but since this is supposedly a very rare occurrence, or so we thought, (are you catching that foreshadowing stuff again….), couldn’t some sort of compensation be built into the cost of the process. I don’t know, like everyone pays an extra $100 to build a pool of money to compensate to donors who try, but don’t work out?

D and I were given the night to talk about how we wanted to proceed, and the next day, Alyssa called us and we told her to start looking for a new donor for us. I stopped the hormone treatment, and there we were, March 2010, almost 2 full years into the process, back at square one.

Next time: Love is lovelier the second (or third) time around?

© 2012 grayhairedmom.com

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If you’re interested, the story can be found by following the link, and then clicking on the podcast link at the right. Well worth a listen, though it didn’t helps paranoia that EVERYONE is talking about IF except those who are suffering tot hose who are close to them.

Here!

The 4 Things You Ought to Know About Egg Donation

Egg donation is perhaps one of the most popular infertility solutions in this day and age. Already considered worldwide as a feasible option for struggling couples who are finding it immensely challenging to conceive a child, the procedure is readily available among egg donation clinics along with other types of assisted reproductive technology treatments like in vitro fertilization, gamete intra-fallopian transfer and embryo donation.

Although already quite popular nowadays as a viable alternative for couples who are having difficulty conceiving a baby, it is still rather a bit ambiguous for some people, especially those who are looking to get access to highly achievable pregnancy solutions. Without further ado, here are the four things you should know about this successful infertility procedure and why it is gathering more and more followers each and every day:

What is egg donation?

In a nutshell, egg donation is one of the most popular infertility solutions nowadays. It is basically a procedure that involves harvesting healthy eggs from egg donors – preferably women in their reproductive prime – through surgical means to allow aspiring mothers, whose ovaries do not produce enough quality ova or oocytes, to become pregnant. The harvested eggs are then fertilized with the sperm of the would-be mother’s partner in a laboratory dish. The developed embryos are subsequently transferred to the aspiring mother’s uterus using a very thin catheter.

Who will benefit from it?

Egg donation clinics are primarily designed to assist women across the globe who are experiencing difficulty having a baby. They usually have a physiological defect that hinders them from becoming pregnant or perhaps suffering from the effects of medical treatment, surgery or an inherited condition. Most women who sign up for the services of an egg donation clinic are usually well past child-bearing age, have recurrent miscarriages or do not have the ability to naturally produce quality eggs for pregnancy or for use in assisted reproduction techniques.

How does it work?

Safety is the most important priority among all egg donation clinics wherever you may be in the world. Potential egg donors are initially screened for illnesses like hepatitis, HIV and a comprehensive list of genetic conditions to ensure that they will only provide the highest quality eggs for the procedure. A standard egg donation clinic usually selects women between 20 to 29 years of age to become potential donors. Successful donors are then matched with the recipient couple as closely as possible using characteristics like eye color, interests and line of work as key factors.

How long does the procedure take?

Egg donation Europe as well as similar clinics in other parts of the world have a long waiting list when it comes to this highly successful infertility solution. The length of the process greatly depends on how long a couple can locate promising egg donors. To considerably cut the waiting time, some couples ask help from willing relatives and friends who are already legally allowed to participate in the donation process. Once the procedure begins, the usual fertilization cycle takes about three to six weeks with a fairly high success rate of 45 percent.

In this article that I have written for the Petaluma Patch, we look at that issue

http://petaluma.patch.com/blog_posts/the-bold-the-beautiful-and-their-babies-85d64507#_=_

To learn about the process, I had to attend a session with the R.N. at CRWC who oversees the recipients from this point forward. Enter “Nurse X,” who I won’t identify any further to spare her embarrassment or hurt feelings. She was an extremely capable nurse, and I have no complaints about her professionally except to say that she is my least favorite type of medical professional–a giggler. No matter what I asked her, no matter how serious and sincere, she giggled her response. For example, as she taught us (another recipient was in this session with me) how to inject ourselves every night, I asked her about air bubbles in the syringe and if that could cause problems. She giggled and said, “Yes, of course, that would cause a big problem, tee hee hee heee heeeeeeee.” Of course, it was obviously just a nervous tic on her part, or maybe she really does get a huge kick out of pulmonary embolism? I’ve never figured it out.

Nurse X was also very, very pretty and quite stylish. While all the other nurses, doctors, and technicians wore scrubs, she wore a white lab coat open over a series of stunning outfits complete with what looked like Manohlos or similar spike heels. I’ve been told by other nurses I know that you can “spot” these two distinct types: the nurses who do all the work and the are nurses who walk around with the charts looking important. I pegged Nurse X as a chart walker. Over the course of the nearly year I spent in this part of the process, I was to get to know Nurse X fairly well, and I realize now that I transferred a lot of my frustrations (rather unfairly) onto her. But sometimes she just pissed me off so much I wanted to reach across the table and smack the giggle out of her. Then again, it might have been the hormones.

During this session I learned that in order to get the donor and me in “sync,” we would first have to inject ourselves with a drug called Lupron which, quite counter-intuitively, induces menopause. The side effects include all the classic side effects of menopause: hot flashes, mood swings, weight gain, and headaches. As a 49-year-old woman, this didn’t sound too much different than just your average day to me. For the 20-something donor, this must really be daunting and gross.

Once the injections begin (on a precise date determined by a blood test done at 7:30 in the morning on a specific date), the donor and I (separately, never at the same time or in the same area of the clinic) would come in for morning blood work to monitor our progress. Also, at these morning sessions, I would have a internal pelvic sonogram to monitor my ovaries for cysts. As far as the donor’s process, I’m not as familiar with her daily and weekly routines. After almost 3 weeks, the Lupron injections are tapered off and I would start taking estrogen and then later progesterone. The donor would begin injecting hormones to make her ovulate while I would be kept in this “holding pattern” of getting ready to receive the embryo.

Once the donor was ready to ovulate, D’s part of the process would start. I’ll spare everyone the silly obvious jokes, we’ve all seen the sitcoms, and yes, ejaculation is funny, but let’s try to be adults about it. Apparently everyone at CWRC feels the same way, because we were given a list of instructions for D’s appointment. He was to show up at the appointed time, he was to approach the desk and tell the receptionist that he was there for “sperm retrieval for fertilization,” he was NOT to make any jokes or try to engage anyone in any further conversation. Additionally, to protect the donor’s identity, I had to agree not to accompany him to the appointment. The donor would be in the building at the same time in an operating room on another floor having the eggs retrieved, but if you really wanted to violate the rules and try to discover your donor’s identity, this would be your opportunity.

During the session, Nurse X gave us syringes and saline solution in a vial to practice with. We had to learn how to draw the Lupron into the syringe, and we talked through the injection procedure. I immediately tried to imitate all the shows I’ve ever watched on TV and Nurse X giggled and guffawed and tee-hee’d at me each time I drew a barrel full of air bubbles. Hilarious! At the end of the session I asked her what to do if something went wrong. She wanted to know what I thought could possibly go wrong. I don’t know, could I break a needle off in my thigh? Could I pump myself full of air bubbles and die? (Again, hypochondriac meets the tiniest little bit of knowledge, but come on, these are legitimate concerns, right?) Nurse X laughed and laughed until I was ready to reach across the table and hit her in the neck with my bubbly syringe full of saline. All she had to tell me was that in her experience, everyone is able to handle these injections pretty easily. That’s all I needed to hear.

Now off to buy the hormones. There was only one pharmacy near me on the whole island of Manhattan that carried the Lupron and everything else needed. The pharmacist and the assistant there were lovely; they obviously could tell from the prescriptions what I undertaking, and they both wished me luck. Of course, my insurance company balked at paying for the Lupron ($400 for a two week supply), so I paid for it on a credit card and decided to fight it out with them later. I was just so anxious to get started, and nothing was going to bring me down.

Armed with my kit of hormones, syringes, and pills, I had nothing to do now but wait for a phone call from Nurse X telling me it was time to start the injections. That call came in early March 2010. That night, any time between 4pm and midnight, I was to give myself the first 20 units of Lupron, and I was to do this at roughly the same time every night for about 3 weeks. Have I mentioned that along with being a hypochondriac, I’m also a pretty big coward? This needle we are talking about, it’s the same tiny little needle used by diabetic children to give themselves insulin a few times every day. I only had to jab myself once a day for a very finite length of time. I would not have to get the awful and painful progestone injections, either. The donors do, but the recipients are allowed to take the progesterone orally or by inserting the pill vaginally. Those progesterone injections, I’ve heard, are the worst, and I was going to be spared that part. Still, I put off the injection all night until about 10pm, and then I knew I had to get it over with. D sat next to me the whole time, and I admit, I was crying. I wasn’t afraid of the jab itself, but I really was afraid of doing something wrong like injecting myself with an air bubble. D rubbed my back as I decided which thigh to jab first (you alternate every night, or you can jab yourself in the abdomen, but that did not appeal to me at all) and finally I worked up the nerve and injected myself. The needle honestly hurt a little, but nothing I coudn’t handle. But, I spent the next hour waiting for the crushing chest pain that would indicate the air bubbles had hit my heart or lungs…….dramatic much? It never happened, of course and thank goodness. I kept telling myslelf, another 4 to 5 weeks of injections and pills, and we’d be pregnant!

Next time: Just when we thought this was going to be a breeze……

The photo shows the human umbilical matrix stem cells

Back to stem cells…I have learned of the utterly amazing stuff that stem cells can do in regards to all kinds of illness including cancers. It’s amazing! The fact that umbilical cords are normally incinerated after a birth means that this is the ultimate in recycling Apparently it’s really easy to donate your cord too, go here to get all the facts : http://www.nhsbt.nhs.uk/cordblood/

So why is a blog on infertility posting about the afterbirth? Am I being insensitive? Well, it occurred to me as I was watching Daybreak this morning and listening to a mum and dad so happy because their baby boy is alive due to a marrow bone donator, that this is what life is all about. If you need help, you ask for it, and if you are lucky enough to be given help, then keep the ball rolling and try to help someone else. All of us who are infertile and needing help with achieving our pregnancies could not say our thanks more, than by donating our cords when the time comes. Especially for those like me, who has received donated eggs. I used to donate blood but had to stop due to the fact that we are trying for a baby (they wouldn’t let me), and surely this is the same?

It just seems so obvious and wonderful to be able to do something so simple that can truly make a life or death difference to someone else. Can I ask you all to spread the word? Let all your pregnant friends know, reassure them that they don’t have to do anything differently, just give birth as normal, and at the end instead of the midwife putting the cord in the bin…she’ll put it in a special bag where it will be whisked away to do good! FANTASTIC!

http://www.nhsbt.nhs.uk/cordblood/

My first call was in July, 2008 to get “pre-certified”  (i.e., to give them a heads-up so they could be prepared to deny my claims), and now it was time to check back in to let them know that treatment was about to begin. Most of the pretesting consists of “routine” diagnostic testing and is covered for anyone, not just someone seeking IVF. But once we matched, the rest of the treatment would need to be approved so that we could get reimbursed for the $7,500 that my company’s plan allowed for one cycle of IVF per lifetime. Having given the insurance company more than a year to come up with a good denial was a big mistake, because when I called I was told that although they did cover IVF, they only covered women under age 45. So, the fact that my doctor and my clinic has an amazing success rate in women over 45, and the fact that I had passed all the pretesting and was considered a great candidate for IVF mattered not at all. Not to beat a dead horse, but who is making my medical decisions? Me? My doctor? Nope. Seems like the insurance company knew better. No woman over 45 could EVER get pregnant, so let’s deny it.

I considered going to the director of benefits at my company to complain, but I didn’t want to be in the position of telling my company that I was planning to get pregnant (which would lead to maternity leave). While annoying, this stupid nonsense on the part of the insurance company was not going to change our plans at all. We were fortunately able to come up with the full 30K, so we chalked it up to the ridiculous way we’ve allowed insurance companies to control our healthcare system and moved on. Weirdly enough within a few weeks, my company switched insurance carriers, and this carrier did cover IVF for $10,000 with no age limit, as long as it was performed by one of their “preferred providers.” And as it turned out, my clinic was one of those providers. We had lost about 6 months, but in the end it turned out to save us 10K.

It was finally time to tell Alyssa to go ahead and start looking for a match for us. Because I had waited so long (my first screening blood work was done in October, 2008), my doctor required that I repeat most of the tests. So, more delays. And then suddenly, it was 2010, the year I would turn 50! It is really just a matter of months, but since we had our first consultation in mid-2008 at age 48, I had hoped to be a mom before I turned 50. Where had the time gone?

At last, in February we got the call we had been waiting for. Alyssa had a potential match for us. If we were ready, she would pass the file to our doctor and call the donor in for some retesting of her own. The donors must repeat all the STD testing they undergo to qualify in the first place.

Then we got to “meet” her. We had a conference call with the doctor, and he read us her file. I can’t or won’t discuss anything about her for many reasons, but mostly to protect her privacy and my son’s privacy. There are many different places where a young woman can choose to become an egg donor, and the fact that she chose a program that was totally “blind” means that she never wants to be identified. What we know about her is enough for her to recognize herself if she ever stumbled upon this blog, so I’ll say that she was perfect in every way and in ways we hadn’t even thought of, and leave it at that. One of the most overwhelming moments for me was realizing that I won’t ever be able to thank that young woman who made all my dreams come true. Whatever your reasons, you have done a beautiful thing, and I am forever grateful.

The matter of my son’s privacy is a bit trickier. I wanted to tell my story on this blog, but obviously, my story becomes his story, and I don’t have the right to tell his story without his permission. You might have noticed that I use his name and my husband’s name, but not my own, and I’ve removed my name from the comments you’ve all been kind enough to leave. The “first degree” of people obviously know who I am and who my son is, but if these words ever reach beyond immediate family and friends, I’ve tried to provide at least some privacy for my son. (I did ask D’s permission to talk about him and identify him by name.) Someday I will ask my son’s permission and hope that he will understand and grant it.

Next time: The First Needle or Who Knew Pulmonary Embolism Could Be So Amusing?

© 2012 Grayhairedmom

Have you been through IVF? What’s your story? I’d love to hear from you. Contact me at grayhairedmom@gmail.com or leave a comment here!

How my knee looks at the moment

So I had my reconstruction booked in before we go for our last IVF/egg donation attempt this year, hopefully allowing sufficient time for me to heal before becoming pregnant. This wasn’t easy as I’m sure most of you would empathise with the urgency and driving desire to go for IVF as soon as possible, I’m not getting any younger either so am more than aware that every month brings my chances down. But the bigger picture is that the healthier I am, the better my chance of producing a healthy baby. This surgery which is forcing me to lie down for recuperation, be looked after  in regards to what I’m fed and making me organise our family life more than normal as I am limited in movement, has also provided me with an opportunity to contemplate on my health and take some ‘me’ time for improvements.

I can be very self-negative, have low self-esteem and struggle with day to day situations that no-one is aware of (my anxiety and panic attack issues), so I’m hoping that this time will allow me to really address some of my issues and become a better, stronger person. One big area for me to work on is my weight, which will be difficult as I can’t work-out as such, but I can certainly help myself to develop a healthier eating plan. I have successfully avoided alcohol now for 3 weeks, not a problem, and am starting to see a difference in my skin! This is a great spur, and I am now enjoying being tea-total

I have some pod casts on meditation and weight loss that I plan to relax to, and a wonderful book on assessing and improving myself as a whole (a wonderful christmas present from Kristen). I’m feeling very positive about this, which is surprising as I’m supposed to have PMT at present, lol! My knee hurts unbearably when I bend it at the moment, but I have to move it to get it working, so I’m following my physio to the letter. In fact I think I might be too keen and have over-done it a bit as my large scar has just started bleeding….scary! I will be off work for at least 2 weeks (hopefully longer as I want to be as good as possible before I go back to all the stairs), but I have lots of lovely drugs to see me thought this rough time.

I know we aren’t supposed to blame ourselves with miscarriage, but the controversial fact is that I think we all probably do a bit. After all, something went wrong inside me, so it’s hard for me to not think that my weight played a part, or my inability to deal with the stress I get from work or my old womb..etc. I can’t obviously dwell on this, but I can learn from my doubts and hence why I’m now trying to improve myself for next time. I am truly excited for the next attempt and want my knee to be fully ready to support a big bouncy baby

Since I knew practically nothing about the process of IVF using donor eggs before we started treatment, I think maybe this is a good time to explain for anyone reading who isn’t familiar, either. However, I am by no means an expert at the whole process; I can only explain the procedures at CWRC.

CWRC recruits young women in their 20s who are college-educated or in college. They do extensive medical and psychological screening. The process at CWRC is closed and “blind,” meaning that neither the donor nor the birth parents can ever find each other through CWRC. No names are ever exchanged, and the donor is never told the results of the donation, whether fertilization actually occurred or a pregnancy ever resulted.  Once a match is made. our doctor on staff hands off our records to another doctor who does the actual transfer procedure. The donor herself has a third doctor. Each young woman can donate to no more than two times through the CWRC. That does not prevent her from donating through another clinic, however. But, the odds of a baby conceived through egg donation ever coming in contact with a “sibling” (i.e., a child conceived through donor eggs for another couple using the same donor or the child of the donor herself) are extremely small. And when you take into account that there are no  limits on the number of times a sperm donor can donate, there is a much greater chance of an inadvertent Greek tragedy resulting from a sperm donation than an egg donation.

The birth parents have a decision to make almost immediately: to tell or not to tell. We, quite obviously, have decided to be completely open from the beginning. I firmly believe that trying to keep a “secret” like this from our baby, friends, and family would never work in this day and age, anyway. I mean, I’ve heard a few couples who try the old “We tried and tried for 20 years to get pregnant, and it never worked, until suddenly we gave up at 45 and came to terms with it, and then, a miracle occurred and we got pregnant!” Bullshit, but every couple decides for themselves if they want to try to float that one over on their friends and family. I am just not that good an actress.

So, once a young woman passes all the testing (and we were told that the vast majority of those who apply do not at CWRC), she is placed in a database of potential donors. The egg donor coordinators then look for “matches” with couple in the program. We had to provide a picture of both of us, a detailed physical description, and also a “wish list” of traits in the donor. For example, our doctor told us that some couples come up with pages and pages of “must-haves” and “would be nices.” Must haves could be anything the couple desires, like maybe ethnic background or eye color or musical ability. Obviously, the longer the list of your deal breakers, the longer the matching will take. D and I sat on the beach one day in July 2009 and came up with “not short” and “of Irish descent.” We did hear of couples who get as detailed as: “must play the cello and the flute, speak 4 languages, be left-handed, and be a doctor.” I wonder about why you would get that detailed, but that’s just me.

When a potential match is found, the profile is sent along to your (the recipient’s) doctor who schedules a phone call where you gets to learn about the donor. You are allowed to know very detailed information about her: age, weight, height, coloring, ethnic background and place of birth, medical history, social history, her area of study, hobbies, interests, favorite books and movies, a statement of her philosophy of life, and her reason for becoming an egg donor. The cynics out there will say “for the money,” and yes, I agree, the fact that they are compensated for their time and effort to the tune of $8,000.00 must be part of the motivation. But, it can’t be the only motivation. Ask yourself, would you put yourself through a process that could be a very uncomfortable (downright painful) both physically and psychologically simply for money? At CWRC, the potential donors who respond that their prime motive is money are rejected. Also, if they refer to “their baby” during the interviews, they are also screened-out. In addition to the donor herself, you are also given details about her parents and grandparents (medical histories, vital statistics, occupations, etc).

Once you’ve “met” your potential donor, you have a few days to think things over. You are allowed to ask for more information, and if your doctor thinks it’s appropriate, he or she will reach out to the donor through her doctor. (CWRC also allows you to bring your own donor, but we didn’t feel comfortable asking anyone we knew. Also, most of our friends are over the age limit to donate, which is shockingly young. I do need to say that we had two friends offer to carry for us if I didn’t make it through the testing. Lisa and Suzanne, that’s the sort of gesture you never forget. )

Within 48 hours, you are asked to make your decision: go or no go. If go, you must be financially ready to write checks before the donor is notified. She, on the other hand, has no right to know anything about you. She only knows that she has matched and been accepted and that her part of the treatment will begin soon.

Next time: How do you ever thank someone you will never meet who has given you the greatest gift you’ll ever receive?

© 2012 grayhairedmom.com

Email me at grayhairedmom@gmail.com or better yet, please comment below!

Unfortunately I did not go to the Long Beach Antique Market on Sunday. My roommate/uncle and I decided to forgo it to save some money, which in turn adds to my savings goal. Rather, we decided to go grocery shopping, which I did spend quite a bit on, so that whole not going to save money thing, didn’t turn out so well after all. I also probably spent more on groceries than I would have on antiques. The difference, now I don’t eat out and am eating a lot healthier. My roommate started a six-week weight loss challenge through our gym, CrossFit Inland Valley. He is on a strict paleo diet, which means clean whole foods– lots of protein, some fruits and vegetables, and little nuts. No grain. No dairy. We bought a lot of food. A lot of good food. We didn’t buy any bread or any milk, which we thought was going to be tough at first, but it’s not that bad. Then again, I am not necessarily on the diet, so I did go out for Thai food and had a cupcake. Whoops! For the most part, however, I am eating better and cleaner.

After all my hard work at the gym and eating healthier, you’d think I’d be losing weight. Sadly, I am bloated and in some pain because I started my hormone injections on Monday for my next egg donation. I am donating now for the third time. If you want to find out more information, read my previous post “The ins and outs of egg donation.” It is really a great feeling, being able to help someone in such a huge, life changing way. I am giving the intended parents (who remain anonymous unless we both choose not to) the potential gift of life. The gift of a child they cannot conceive on their own. A lot of people ask me why I do it and many say they don’t think they could. Me? I am still unsure that I want kids. I was actually just talking with my roommate about it this morning. About how if I do eventually want them, it won’t be for another six to 10 years I don’t think. I am lucky that I also found a guy that feels the same way about it. He and I are on the same page about practically everything. It is amazing. I love him so much.

This past Tuesday was also my first “No Spending Day” of the month. I got gas the night before, but didn’t really leave the house until I had to go to work that night. Instead, I stayed in and let my creativity have a fun day. I did a few crafty DIY projects. I am putting together a blog post on how to repurpose glass bottles, like wine and beer bottles. I really liked the results I have gotten so far. I am still working on a couple more projects and then it will be ready to post.

My previously mentioned amazing boyfriend, Rob, came out to visit Tuesday night and stayed until Friday morning. It was so nice to spend some nice quality alone time with him. We usually go to a Kings hockey game every Thursday, but decided not to this week so we could just spend some time alone together. We worked out together then went out and ran some errands and went to lunch. We cooked dinner together instead of going out. It was great.

Now here I am, a week later, about to get ready for work. It’s been a very lazy day too. I woke up had breakfast then passed out again. I didn’t wake up until 2:30 p.m.! I think my body is just exhausted from working out so much and taking my medications for my egg donation.

Be on the lookout for my next post late tonight when I get off work.

From the moment we decided to go ahead with ED (egg donation) I knew I had to fully understand what I was doing, and what the implications were for me as a woman. We had been to the Fertility Show in London and attended seminars that covered ED and listened to other people’s experiences and advice. This was all extremely helpful and I can’t recommend enough that you do as much research and digging as you can (if you’re considering ED) as it really shows you aspects that you may not originally have considered. I therefore knew that I had to ‘grieve’ for the biological child that I would now never have, but my logical and sturdy brain tried to reason this away. I thought that ED was just a straight-forward progression on our quest for a child, and I tried to not think too deeply about what was actually going to happen. This was a mistake. The harsh fact was that I was going to be carrying another woman’s baby that had been fertilised by my husband. It wouldn’t inherit any of my features, I could never compare my childhood behaviour to its and I would probably flinch everytime someone said ‘hasn’t she/he got your eyes?’ or some such remark. I could foresee visits to the doctor with situations where I’m asked for my medical history, and how I would have to explain that our family doesn’t quite work like that. As the law stands though, strangely, this child would be more mine than anyone else’s. The donor has no legal hold, as in the eyes of the law the woman who gives birth is known as the mother (which complicates things in surrogacy). But as time went on, I did pine for my own biological child, I don’t like being told I can’t have something and it tends to make me more determined and stubborn. But this wasn’t something that I could do much about. Sadly, I think the realisation that the donated embryo was truly mine, the moment when I realised that the little life did in fact belong to me and I would completely be its mother, only came when I miscarried and lost my little one. Only then did everything fall in to place. Life can be evil when some lessons can only be learnt through tragedy.

Anyway! Back to how we found our donor. After our decision-making discussion, I went through the documentation we had gathered from the Fertility Show and found the National Gamete Donation Trust leaflet. The next day I emailed them and was really impressed with how quickly they started things going and how friendly they were. They basically add you to their register as someone looking for a donor and contact you when any are located, as near to your area as possible. We were also given posters advertising that ‘someone in your area needs your help’ and all the NGDT contact details (we were anonymous so there was no panic about advertising your personal business to your local town). I trotted off one afternoon armed with numerous posters and a positive attitude. Within an hour I was an emotional wreck though, and couldn’t quite believe something seemingly so simple turned out to be an arduous nightmare! The first shop I went to I suddenly realised that I hadn’t properly thought this through; what do I say, more importantly what is the first thing I should say, how do I break the ice?

‘Hi. I need some eggs, could you put this in your window?’ if only it was that easy. All at once I realised that I would have to share my personal and painful infertility situation with a complete stranger…..and then watch their reaction!! I definitely wasn’t expecting the reactions. First there is the sadness in the eyes, quickly followed by the confusion of what I am actually asking for, and then sometimes, unfortunately, there is a judgemental glare. As if I am taking this too far and shouldn’t meddle with nature or something, at least that’s how I felt.
Neither Mothercare nor Boots put my poster up. Shame on them! One local small shop did put my poster up and I will be forever grateful to Ruby Moon for doing so and showing me such love and kindness.

Now moving on a few weeks and one evening I light-heartedly went through my Facebook friend list to see if I knew someone who could fit the bill as a donor. Originally we had thought that an anonymous donor would be best, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea of knowing her. Only one person fit the criteria (under 35) and resembled me physically and I giggled when I thought about how I would approach her. She is a work colleague, and a close one, she actually came to my Hen Party, so I knew I could bring the subject up with her without embarrassing either of us. The next day I saw her in a corridor and pulled her aside. Here is how the conversation went;

‘Hi Sue (false name). I’ve got the strangest compliment to give you. You know how I am going through IVF etc.? Well, we decided to look into egg donation, and last night I went through Facebook to see who I knew who would be worthy enough for such an honour {giggles and blushes} and you were the only one!’

Her reply: ‘Well funny you should say that because when I found out that you were having trouble conceiving, I asked my partner how he’d feel if I could donate my eggs to you, should you need them. He said it was fine. So you can have my eggs! {big beaming smile}’

SHE HAD ALREADY DECIDED TO BE MY EGG DONOR BEFORE I HAD DECIDED TO HAVE DONATED EGGS!!! (there isn’t a smiley face image big enough to display here).

And this my friends is what they call the light at the end of the tunnel, the silver lining in every cloud, the frown that has been turned upside down and just the awesome realisation that life always has something wonderful for you around the next corner. The love that Sue showed me in that moment alone is something I will never forget and never be able to thank her enough for. That moment, and the moments to follow where we laughed about the injections we were both getting and when we took her for her Egg Collection, and all the other shared experiences, are the upside stories on this infertility journey. They fill you with a warmth that makes you realise that humans are capable of wonderful things. I will love her forever, quite simply.

There followed months of tests and consultations and even counselling for all of us, and then the IVF went ahead. It worked, although sadly ended in a miscarriage BUT we have 4 frozen embryos to try again with later this year

AND……she’s only gone and told me that she’d do it all again for me!!!

I might be unlikely with my ovaries, but boy, am I one lucky human being to have people like Sue in my life.

I have often thought about fostering during the last 10 years, as it is something that I think I would be chuffing brilliant at! My own troubled childhood, 2 divorces, being a single mum for 9 years and other ‘life stuff’, have all left me very empathic and with an understanding of dysfunctional family situations deep enough to listen to any story without over reacting. My heart really does miss a beat when I think of troubled teens who feel no-one cares, young children missing out on cuddles and babies who just want to be held. Worse still are the ones who need help healing from some awful trauma, and I want to help them. When I think about this….I feel a terrible guilt for going through IVF.

My journey is (as is everyone’s) not just mine but a shared one with my partner, and he is my motivation and reason for IVF. I utterly understand and empathise with him, that he simply wants and needs his own child, and I would do anything to give him a son/daughter. Strangely I already have in a way, as he is Step-Dad to my 15-year-old daughter (and he is marvellous!). But as time goes on, and the money runs out, and still no baby, our conversations are forced to address other options. And we have. Many times. Sometimes I get hysterical, sometimes we both get angry but both of us completely accept that we want to have a family, however it is created. We both have so much love to give that we know it would be a crime not to share it.

During the last year I have made enquiries, just dipping my toe in the water of fostering and adoption, to see how it works and what would be needed of us. It’s not straightforward, but I strongly agree with all the stringent investigations, documentation and interviews as such tiny, and fragile souls are at stake.

This year though we have our frozen embryos, and they are our ‘little babies’, so we optimistically go forward with our last egg donation IVF attempt! This is the next chapter in our lives and we couldn’t be more excited about it

But if it doesn’t work…..well….then I think we both know where the next chapter will take us. You got to look at the bigger picture right?