(with)

stomach weighty,

filled with pits of another name, 

mind swathed in an indefinable haze:

emotions with no origin

blossom from tainted skin

scented with regret of recollections .

the somnambulist wander of unfettered feelings

draws closed these lips of speaking 

and spells chaos

in minuscule muscle movements 

stirring invisible matter,

upsetting atoms.

knowledge of unfounded fear:

a brick on the chest of an innocent-

squirming and flailing in full sight of freedom,

trapped by a specter no one can see;

the rise from bed is triumph over war.

the secrets of subconscious, 

 stewed with the unending negative wish of worry,

are contaminating the soil where dreams grow

to fruition.  

©Phi∞

Snippets of inspiration from my “workshop.”

How do you stay inspired?

Before the quote memes and instagram glittered social media and before the “share” button for immediate thoughtful musings waited for you at the tap of a finger, my Grandfather was quoting Shakespeare, Pilgrim’s Progress and scripture over family cookouts. During pie in the living room. In the midst of gathering, these brief pieces of art hit my ears and stayed in my heart. It felt like the whole universe was tucked into those apostrophe enclosed phrases. The hidden sweetness of each syllable and the wisdom in the giving was what I felt.

Sometimes a good quote captures more meaning than the longest story could ever tell.

Want to share one of your favorites?

Leave it in the comments!

]]> http://longingthoughts.wordpress.com/2013/05/19/heart-vs-mind/ Sun, 19 May 2013 16:04:58 +0000 longingthoughts http://longingthoughts.wordpress.com/2013/05/19/heart-vs-mind/
I hate this war between my heart and my mind.

It makes me feel very vulnerable and tiny and cocooned in my own shell.

It takes a great deal of struggle to get off my bed to welcome the brand new day.

And I wait for the day when I can break free from this heavy chains and breathe freely with no strings from the past attached onto me.

I wander with my every thought if that day will ever come…..

“Black Belter” | Photographed by ©JanaCruz | 2012

the feeling of maudlin continues…

I love this.  If the best things in life were easily obtained, everyone would have them.

But no, that is not in my future, not for another week.  My doctor unwrapped my foot, poked at my toes and wiggled them around to show me that everything is healing nicely even though my foot was very swollen.  After the sharp intakes of air and scrunching my face into grotesque masks of pain, the doctor left to get some contraption he said would help bring down the swelling.  Mitch told me how proud he was of me.  I asked him what he meant and he said he was surprised I didn’t start swearing.  I said that it was close, but I controlled myself.  I didn’t want the doctor to run fleeing the room in fear for his life.

He came back in with a compression squeezer that I have no intention of putting on because it was terribly painful when he slipped it on and dragged it past my stitches.  The doctor then pulled at two of my stitches and explained that though the incision was not gaping, it was not healed enough to remove the rest of the stitches.  Did I mention how much it hurt to have the two stitches removed?  Anyway after all of the manipulation, foot squeezing and stitch pulling, I was ready to go home and lay down for a while.  Plus I was so bummed out that I didn’t get my stitches out.

After resting for a while, I got up to get something unimportant, lost my balance and fell backwards hitting the back of my skull on my nightstand.  God that hurt so bad.  Crying and grabbing the back of my head to feel for blood, luckily I didn’t split my skull open but there was a huge lump already.  I dragged myself over to where I could reach my cellphone and called Mitch who was walking the dogs, because I wasn’t sure how bad it was and I was scared.  It was this awful stabbing pain that felt like a thousand needles in the back of my head.  All I could think of was that I had fractured my skull.  Mitch rushed back, helped me off the floor and put me back in bed.  He examined my head and got ice packs to help bring down the large knot at the base of my skull.  I think I scared him as much as I scared me.  No blurred vision, no nausea and my pupils worked so we decided not to go to the emergency room.  Just rest and watch me.  Sorry not this time Aflac.

Saturday I woke up, surprise I didn’t die in my sleep.  I’m really glad for that.  We went to the grocery store, my first outing since other than work and the doctor’s office I’ve been pretty house bound.  The day was pleasant, clear skies and mild, Mitch was going to mow and weed eat the yard.  This is my job because when Mitch mows or weed eats, he mows and weed eats everything growing.  It doesn’t matter what it is.  It’s in the way, so it has to go.  In order for that to not happen, Mitch set me up in a chair on the porch and with blue flags he walked around the yard pointing at various plants waiting for a mow or no mow sign from me.  If I gave the no mow sign he planted a blue flag next to it.  The grass was terribly tall, so mowing would take a while.

The dogs and I decided to go back in the house while Mitch slaved away.  I opened the kitchen door let the dogs in and started in myself.  I hopped in got the left crutch planted when the door closed on the right crutch throwing me off balance.  I started to fall forward and accidentally put weight on my left foot.  As soon as I realized what I was doing I lifted my foot which caused me to fall forward to my knees.  There is no way I could stand up from that position so I had to drag myself to the bathroom and pulled myself up on the toilet.  I am so graceful.

Please just let survive this weekend.

I was so stressed this time last month, fresh back from the Easter holiday that I booked tickets to go back home to Sicily. Yes, that is the place I consider home. There’s no better place for me to be. I spent a week there and came back the middle of last week. There was a strategic reason for this, not just to be more relaxed just before exams  but also to attend a Victorian and Steampunk picnic. I honestly couldn’t have done a better deal. Met and interacted with so many great people!

After talking with a VERY close friend about her troubles, I also thought it would be a good time and a good idea to clear the bad air with my ex. I admit, it didn’t happen under the best pretences seeing as I asked her to return some leather bracelets and drawings of mine, but then again she’s become nothing but hostile since we broke up so I didn’t honestly expect better. I wanted to clear up what went wrong and why she’d been hostile but all that happened was that it gave her an excuse to return a few gifts I gave her.
This made me realise two things: First, that I care more about our relationship than she does. Second, that she hates me because she can’t get over our relationship whereas I have. I know this must sound like a contradiction, but it’s not to me. I still treasure every good moment, but I also know that it was not right and shouldn’t have lasted. I was happy before and I’m happy now. I thought meeting her would hurt me but to tell you the truth I realised I care for her as a friend whether she wants a friend or not – maybe this is another thing that makes her hurt. The fact that I’m over her and I’ve moved on without another girl in my life except for the ones I call friends but she’s gone nowhere despite we started from the same point.

There are so many things I would like to tell her, like the fact that I was never enthralled by another female while I was with her but she (despite being jealous of me and being worried I would cheat) took a step back and pushed me away because she was enthralled by a male friend who was being caring and giving her the sort of attention she expected from me despite being 2000km away. Yet, at the same time, I don’t care. This guy, who I know, did me (possibly both of us a favour – it’s clear now. He made me realise that after 3 years I was better without her – not because we hadn’t done well together, but because we weren’t stable together and that’s not good for any couple.

I’m now back to being a well-balanced guy, still finding my way in life. I’m stressed to hell as any standard student. I’m happy with my life. I couldn’t ask for any more.

Light and Love,

PW )O(

Together As One– Solidified

You’re my Bonnie– I’m your Clyde
We’re both beautiful inside
As well as outside
We’re the type to outstride
Those jealous couples when they’re overdried
This love has me electrified
Especially as our emotions collide
I have visions of you being my bride
With a wedding more fun than a joy-ride
This happiness is like a fairground ride
Where all I want to do is just glide
With you by my side
There were times when we cried
Over things that we couldn’t provide
NOW! We’re harder to divide
Our love cannot be putrefied
Because we are as one– unified
Together as one– solidified
Your presence keeps me occupied
What we have is real and bonafide
Your sexiness keeps my dick boner-fied!
Those romantic walk by the lakeside
None of us would ever have prophesied
That this love would have seen us side by side

Copyright © 2012 René Olivierre all rights reserved (Taken from the book “The Great Olivierrean & Miss Frielichova: A Poetic Tale About Sex, Romance and Togetherness”); written by René Olivierre and published by The Olivierrean Experience (T.O.E.)

This documentary image captures Shirley with her daughter, who is also a sufferer of the physical abuse from Shirley’s ex partner. the image displays a close connection between the mother and daughter, as they move on together, away from the past.

Physically, the healing isn’t too bad. I’m achy and bloated but it’s not horrible. The hard part right now is how emotional I feel. I’m having a hard time getting my head wrapped around how quickly I change how I’m feeling. This morning, I was lonely, sad and feeling very, very sorry for myself. Now I’m feeling a lot better, it’s hard to grasp.

My post-op report was posted on mychart.ca and I was able to keep my ovaries. I did a little googling and found that the reason I’m having the hot flashes (and emotional roller coaster) is because my ovaries have gone into shock. They should be kicking back into gear any minute now… right?  Come on hormones, we miss you over here.

I’ve found a real amazing support group on http://www.hystersisters.com (they have a mister-hyster sisters for the support people of hysterectomy patients). I’m seeing that my recovery is following the same path as most of the women with the same surgical date as mine. I’m not the only one having a hard time controlling the emotions, and I’m certainly not the only one absolutely terrified of going to the bathroom. I was afraid to let go to pee – can you imagine how I’m feeling about the prospect of having to work on it. The nurse said she didn’t care if I took 8 softeners a day if it meant I was able to have a BM easily. So, thats what I’m doing, I’m taking 8 of them a day.

Anyways, I’m sure I’ll be back on all teary soon, things change so quickly over here!

We watch these shows without much thought beyond the storyline. I would like to ponder this story a bit, the lyrics from it, that is.

Someone said something to me in the last few weeks that really stirred my heart, got my spiritual mind to pondering on it. Two little words that spoke volumes to me, so much so that I have spent time contemplating them with my Father. Asking Him to show me the depth of the truth of them, in relation to me, my abuse, my healing.

Those words were, “God’s joy.” Shared with me in relation to a step forward in my healing, to my heart and emotions catching up to my spiritual knowledge. So much of our healing path is spelled out simply and clearly in the Word of God. We read the truth of the healing power of love and forgiveness. There are so many examples of victory through Jesus Christ in the saints of old. Verses to inspire us to strive forward and cling to hope. The Word of God, His words to us, His love letter that oft sits forgotten. Dust collecting upon its cover that the jewels stay concealed.

“God’s joy.”

Close your eyes with me a moment and ponder these words.  Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see—how good God is. Psalm 34:8 The Message (MSG) Wrap your heart around your Lord’s presence as you savor the sheer emotional impact of His name, GOD. Feel the joy of His presence, a joy that floods you with peace and hope, patience even for His timing in your healing for you know that it is “His joy” to heal you, take you forward however needed. He will run with you as the winds of change whip through the memories, leap when obstacles block your path. It is “His joy” to whisper to you in your pain, catching your tears and remembering with you. A holding of you that eases the pain. God not only to walk beside you but limp, crawl and kneel right there.

It is “His joy” to do so, just because He loves us so much.

We claim this in the midst of our trials so unaware of how much He is really giving. When we are ill and cared for it is often without knowing how much someone has been beside us until  we are well. So it is with our Lord, Who is right there, in the midst of our battles. He stays by our side, joyfully… nursing us, joyfully… providing all that is needed for our healing, with sacrificial joy.

Now I come to the song, The Circle of Life. I see “God’s joy” as the circle of my healing. The astounding gift of His presence and sacrifice the beginning of the circle, my past, present and future the other three anchors. Links forged in an unbreakable chain, past yielded that present is redeemed, future freed. All linked to the cross, “For God so loved the world (us) that He GAVE, His one and only Son.”

God gives and gives and gives, it is His joy to do so. Sacrificial love lived out to me. Three years of moving me forward in my healing, crying with me as His heart broke with mine in the remembering. Sitting with me night after night, sleepless, torn and despairing of the flashbacks. Seeking me out no matter where I chose to hide. All with joy.

It is in the living that life is fathomed, in the crucifying of self it’s purpose found. As it is “God’s joy,’ to journey our path with it, I am so glad it is “His joy,” to reveal truth to me. That my circle has many links of people He has placed in my circle of healing but that He is the anchor. The cross the center that all circle around Him, with purpose.

It feels a bit like I can’t quite say what I am feeling today, put truth to paper so to speak. I challenge you to look to the heart of my writing, to sit with God and feel. Rejoice in the past being past, praising Him for His present presence, asking Him to stay by you into the future, where He will reveal all to you in His timing, for it is, “His joy,” to do so.

Be blessed dear survivor…

Your life His circle.                           

The Circle of Life  By Tim Rice (The Lion King)

From the day we arrive on the planet 
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen 
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here 
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the Circle of Life And it moves us all
Through despair and hope Through faith and love
Till we find our place On the path unwinding
In the Circle The Circle of Life

I also believe it is good practice to look back to our own history and story with our siblings. Remember back and review the time with our wiser adult minds. What worked? What could have used some improvement? (sidenote: you can go back and heal old wounds and disagreements  with your siblings)

Now listen carefully. The greatest gift you can give your children is providing them with the opportunity to build positive relationships with themselves, their siblings, their friends, family and community. This is what will sustain them when times are tough and the days are not as bright.

Now go spend some time with your kids laughing and making memories.

Enjoy and cherish every minute!

At times, it’s confusing. I see something I know my grandpa would like and I reach out to buy it. Then I remember, and it hurts. But grief also comes with moments to remember, these tiny glimmers of happiness in what is otherwise an overwhelming, difficult time, and in those times when I’m unexpectedly stricken with sadness, I try to turn the moment around and think of how pleased my grandpa would be that I thought of him. It isn’t easy.

I don’t have all of the answers when it comes to dealing with the loss of someone you really, really, really loved. I cannot heal you. I cannot end your pain. I cannot bring that person back. Though, if I could, I would do all of those things for you, and for myself. But I have learned some things about trying to cope, and I hope this makes getting through whatever difficult time you’re experiencing a bit easier.

We all deal differently. This I have witnessed firsthand. For some of us, sharing memories is how we get through. Some of us prefer quiet solitude. Some of us will lash out. Some of us will need space, while others will flourish in the company of others. Some of us will want to organize, some will emerge as leaders, some will be caretakers, some will need to deny (or pretend) that this reality is not their reality. There is no right or wrong way to cope, so long as we are not hurting ourselves or others in the process.

Take it one day at a time. Or one afternoon at a time, or one hour at a time, or one moment at a time. In an effort to comfort you, people will tell you to “be strong.” But being strong is different for all of us, depending on the day. Some days, our best is staying in bed all day. Some days, our best is the ability to get out of bed. Some days, our best is going above and beyond what our normal life entails. These things are all fine, and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up if we need some time to recoup. I treasure a piece of advice Liz shared with me, given to her by her father:

Our best is different on any given day.

Take care of yourself. Regardless of the type of person you are or who you morph into in times of hardship, you must care for yourself. Whatever that means for you, whether it’s leaning on others or giving yourself space or knitting or meditating, try to make time for that and do it.

Things don’t magically get better. People will tell you that you will eventually “move on.” But I don’t necessarily think that’s true. Do you ever really move on from the loss of someone you loved? Does that hole in your heart ever truly fill itself? Yes, coping becomes easier, and things get as back to “normal” as they can, but things can still unexpectedly feel sad. Here is some excellent advice Lyndsey gave to me:

You don’t need to “move on.” True, you live your life and you’ll find happiness in things but it’s a lie when people say to move on or things like, “It will get better.”  Some days it WILL feel better and then you’ll see something, like a coffee or something your loved one liked and you will cry and feel like you can’t cope. You’ll be angry sometimes and you won’t understand ANYTHING. The healing is raw, the coping will be tragic. But very, very slowly you will cope.

It’s okay to ask for help. Sometimes it’s not enough to just deal on our own. Sometimes it’s not enough to lean on family or friends. So don’t be afraid, ashamed, or embarrassed to go to therapy or enroll in a support group.

It’s okay to cry. This is a sad time. We get to be sad. We get to be sad for a long time. We get to be some kind of sad forever. So cry. Crying does not mean you are somehow not strong or that you aren’t dealing or that you are weak. This bears repeating: crying does not make you weak. Please try to remember that. If you need to hear it from someone else, a quote from Charlotte Bronte’s “Jane Eyre”:

Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive.

It’s okay to be angry. Moments of anger will come and go. We will think irrational thoughts. “Why did my loved one have to die? Why wasn’t it someone else?” We’ll be bitter and upset  and sometimes we’ll see someone and think something awful. “It should’ve been you.” Try not to be too hard on others or on yourself. Death doesn’t make sense, so it’s natural that we’ll have associated thoughts that also don’t make sense, or that we’ll think things we normally wouldn’t. These will go away.

Forgive. Everyone will have advice to offer to you. They’ll tell you that if you “just” to do this or that then you’ll magically feel better. They’ll tell you to move on and be strong. They’ll say things like “So-and-so is in a better place” or they’ll ask obvious questions (“How are you?”). They’ll be insensitive (“So tell me all about the wake!”) and they’ll sometimes use this tragedy as an opportunity to make it all about them. Forgive them. Most of them mean well and, if they don’t, then they are not worth your time. And don’t forget to forgive yourself, too. As they say, guilt is a useless emotion.

Remember. Don’t be afraid to think of all the great times. Smile, laugh, and be happy. Your loved one will live on in your thoughts, your feelings, your actions, and your stories.

To me that helping hand for seventeen years, was my beloved pet cat. She was the one who could bring you up when you were feeling down. Who would come and crawl under the blanket beside you, clinging onto you with her paws simply so you would feel her presence, signifying that you were not alone. She was the one that could look into my eyes with her two big shiny eyes and reach right into my soul. Who could understand how I felt, and what I was thinking without me needing to utter a word. She was the one that stretched out a helping hand (or paw) when I was depressed.

People who have no pets cannot understand the magic and wonder of sharing your life with these wonderful creatures. They can sense your mood, thoughts and feelings, as if through a sixth sense, and know exactly what to do to change it. Be it rolling off the bed by accident; sleeping upside down or in other weird positions; or chasing flies of all sorts across the room, they are a constant pick-me-up. And above all, they are always there when you need them.

Just look into the loving eyes of these beautiful animals and you will understand why this is one helping hand that will never let you down.

Also part of the Daily Prompt: Helping Hand

Everyone is taking stock…of their lives, their belongings and their mindsets. It seems that springtime brings out the desire for a new perspective with some folks re-evaluating and re-generating mundane lives while others continue to live happily and quite contentedly in the status quo. I believe it’s a good thing that we routinely step back and look at our lives with a fresh set of eyes as there are very often things that we need to keep…and things we need to jettison.

I want things in my life that add value….people, belongings and most importantly emotions. We very often maintain our attachments to things that continue to suck the life out of us, (see my blog on “attachments”). And, these unhealthy attachments can keep us from feeling true joy and peace. Unfortunately, some find a skewed sense of comfort in maintaining relationships that keep them from the joy and peace I just mentioned. Maybe it’s the coziness of familiarity or maybe it’s just that they don’t know (or, are afraid) how to rid themselves of it. As I said, these unhealthy relationships can take the form of people, belongings and personal emotions. Are you one of these people? Ask yourself…is this (enter person/thing/emotion here) adding value and true enjoyment in my life, or is it slowly killing me? In either case, you may have to do some reassessing.

I pray that you’re walking in true contentedness throughout your life’s experiences, as that is how it is supposed to be. Let me repeat that…you are supposed to be content in all your experiences, with true peace and joy.

So…are you?

It’s hard to get down and poetic
When you’re just a bunch of atoms.

//\\//\\//\\

I should have said something instead of watching you walk away. I could have said something. My mouth, tongue and lips betrayed me. The words caught in my throat. I could have stood up and followed you out but my legs well, they stopped working. I failed to do the simplest thing, so I’ll blame it on you. It’s your fault. You’re the wrong one. You shouldn’t have left. You should have stayed here, with me. Maybe not even with me but just stayed.

You’re gone for now and it’s too late. So I’ll wait until next time and hope, pray that I don’t make a fool of myself again. For now I’ll just dream. Dream of you. Us.

Until next time you’ll be in the corner of my mind. Close enough to touch but just far enough to stay out of reach.I didn’t ask for this burden though it’s one I’d like to keep; because having a dream of you is better than not having you at all.

The next time I see you I’ll say something and you can do anything. Not do anything. Say anything. Say nothing at all. Laugh. Smile. Dance. Sing.

 Only if you please, please sit a awhile. 

//\\//\\//\\

The scarlet floated in the air

touched the crystalline water clear

kissed by the reflected azure

I  lie  hereby with my dreams to endure!

With zillion dots to conjure

 a fantasy  in the serene atmosphere

enlivened by the words

those appeared

dwelt I deep

swirling  in the whirlpool

of  imaginary conjecture!

The moment still

freezes like a scene

As me floating

upon the misty lake

like a heiress of

 Aphrodite or Hera!