Twas the day before Christmas and all through the house plenty was stirring. . .

. . .  especially in my heart.

“Are you ready for Christmas?”  I asked that of a dear friend at church Sunday morning before the children’s program and she giggled and said, “Well, yes I guess I am ’cause ready or not – here it comes!”  No truer words, right?

Can I be completely honest?  I’m not ready for Christmas.  Oh, the shopping’s all done and the packages have all been wrapped and found their place under the tree, but I still don’t feel ready.  But it’s coming anyway, isn’t it?  There’s no different timetable for those who are ready for it and those who aren’t.  It just is what it is.  Without forming a committee or consulting any of us about what we’d prefer, December 25 comes and it goes in its own 24-hours and we’d better be ready or it’ll come and go anyway and be gone for another year.

Life’s like that too sometimes.  Whether we’re ready or not, life has a way of coming in its own time and either surprising us with good news and peals of joy, or bad news and sighs of despair.  It doesn’t ask or seek our approval, it just is what it is.  Life – ya gotta love the way it keeps us on our toes, right?  If we had to plan and prepare for the rough times, if we got a say-so on when they’d occur, we’d never ever pencil them in – and we’d never grow either.  We’d never know what it was to share another’s pain because we’ve been through it too.  Never have the empathy to cry with a friend, or rejoice to the fullest when a deeply troubled time ends.  We’d never know that life can bend us but not destroy us if we have faith and hope in God – and that’s a big, BIG thing to know and to share with someone else who needs to hear it because life has dealt them the harshest blow.

So I’m happy that Christmas is almost here, ready or not.  I’m happy that the season doesn’t consult me but comes with its story of peace, comfort, and joy just when the world needs to hear it.  Just when I need to hear it.  If I received no other gift this Christmas, I have come to the knowledge of His love for this world.  For its people.  For me.  And that is the most precious, important, profound gift I could ever have wished for and been given.

Quotes on Empathy: Pick one and spend some time reflecting on what it means to be empathic

 “I have a very strong feeling that the opposite of love is not hate-it’s apathy. It’s not giving a damn.” Leo Buscaglia

“Smile at each other, smile at your wife, smile at your husband, smile at your children, smile at each other-it doesn’t matter who it is-and that will help you to grow up in greater love for each other.” Mother Teresa

“We care how things turn out because the character cares-our interest comes from empathy.” John Gardner

“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from his angle as well as your own.” –Henry Ford

“… organizations of all kinds prosper when they tap into a power each of us already has: empathy, the ability to reach outside of ourselves and connect with other people… People are “Wired to Care”.-Dev Patnaik

Reflection:

EQAgency.com is a sales enablement agency. Here I’m introducing the discipline of sales enablement, the tactics for delivering it, and demonstrating why this is more relevant than ever. Going beyond the mechanics and traditional explanations, I’ll talk about why I believe that a successful journey can only start with a sincere human connection between company leadership and its sales force.

1.     Introduction

Some of you might be well versed in what sales enablement is, but since most companies do not have a distinct group focussed on this, many are not.  Often referred to as sales readiness, it’s commonly rolled-up under the umbrella of marketing or sales training. What is sure, is that medium to large organisations definitely feel it if they don’t have it, and so does their bottom line.

“It’s the glue between the story your company tells, and what your sales force sells.”

As you think about the need for sales enablement, think about some of the most common complaints from sales. Ever heard any of these?

I am over-loaded with info, I don’t remember what info we have and where to find it! Our corporate message is inspiring, but how can I connect it to my day to day work?!  What does marketing do anyway ?!!

It can feel a bit like this!!

“When sales is not enabled to tell and sell your company’s story it means the glue has come unstuck.”

2.     The financial risk

The financial risk of not addressing these issues is intuitive, and the statistics bear this out.

According to a recent study by IDC, ‘Marketing Investment Planner 2009: Benchmarks and Key Performance Indicators’:

• The average company spends $12,500 per rep per year on sales enablement.
• Reformatting of collateral costs the organisation an estimated $5,600 annually per seller.
• It’s estimated that over $5,000 per seller per year is wasted in unfruitful searches for information.
• Duplicated content and overlapping sales facing portals costs organisations an estimated over $4 million per year.

This signals a disconnect between sales and marketing, and IDC reports in the, ‘CMO research study: Closing the gap: The Sales and Marketing Imperative’, that as much as 60 percent of sales facing content is never used.

“The ability to differentiate product, sell value over price and consistent brand reinforcement, are the top 3 sales success drivers at risk.”

The figures speak for themselves and would be of concern even in a buoyant environment, but nowadays waste, inefficiency and anything that harms revenue generating prospects is unacceptable.

3.     Selling in today’s reality

The basic necessity of articulating your sales story has never been so important. According to the IDC study, ‘Sales Enablement 3.0: A Transformation of Sales Enabled by a Transformation of Marketing’:

‘Buyers increasingly consider “relationship ROI”, as well as product ROI.  And, buyers will tell you that, in this economy, they no longer have tolerance for uninformed vendor representatives who come through their doors’.

With increased competition for dollars, sellers are often challenged to fall back on price when differentiation is even more critical.Short term revenue gains driven by price cutting, are of course completely unsustainable and devalue the brand. Sales need to be armed to push value and quality over price, and one of the ways of doing this is to push solution sells over pure product sells.  This approach has been favoured by large to medium enterprises during the past 10 years; it promotes business value, offers economies of scale to customers and creates cross-sell and up-sell opportunities, but it’s hard to pursue successfully.

Depending on the maturity of the business, gearing up for solution selling involves a change in sales behaviour. Frequently many sellers retreat into their comfort zone and push their favourite products, thereby reducing brand differentiation in a crowded market-place. At the other extreme, sellers may be very confident in evangelising the brand, but may not be able to connect this to the product detail and therefore substantiate the brand claims. Realistically, pushing a solution sell may not be appropriate for every scenario, but every seller needs to be fully armed and trained-up to instantly identify which scenario is right, and flex to tell that story. Below we look at the mechanics of taking your story to the field, and talk about the importance of creating a sincere connection with your sales force.

“Sellers must be as confident in articulating your top-level story, as a solution story, or a product story.”

4.     Taking your message to market

i.            Structuring your marketing proposition for consistency and clarity

The marketing proposition must start at the brand rather than the product level. Ensure the brand story is first underpinned by solutions, which in turn are underpinned by the products. Sounds obvious, but this often requires a mindset shift for companies with a strong product heritage. Cross-selling and up-selling mean that your messaging needs to work harder to connect across, up and down.  Establishing a clear brand picture must be balanced with sharing the nuts and bolts of product information.

ii.            Delivering the marketing proposition

Typically we would move on to the go-to-market mechanics at this stage, training, tool-kits and information sharing. However, if you want to get your sales force to live and breathe your message and confidently evangelise this to customers, this requires more than pushing out information. From my observations, the absolute foundation of a successful sales enablement programme, and one which is often lacking, is creating a genuine human connection between a company’s leadership and its foot soldiers. I believe that large corporations often pay ‘lip-service’ to this, and yes this cannot be solved by sales enablement alone;  but think how much more confidently your sales people will evangelise your story, if they truly feel it, and how much more motivated they will be, if they believe that you feel their customer reality.

iii.            Creating a human connection with your sales force

“Attract, Engage, Inspire, Connect.”

Where to start?

An easy approach is to simply think about your company message as your brand, and your sales force as your most important customer.

How would you; Attract, Engage, Inspire and ultimately Connect?

Sales people have a propensity to learn through visual stimulation.

This should be your first consideration when deciding on your approach.

With imaginative and surprising visual creativity you will grab your audience’s attention within 60 seconds, without fail.   When creating your slides, imagine if you couldn’t use any words, and only the image could do the talking; that should be the foundation of your creative approach. Of course you can’t always work with images alone, heavier information is often needed, but pepper this with powerful imagery, and your presentation will work harder.

Secondly, when building sincere connections, remember that this is no different from how you would appeal to an individual if you wanted to build a personal relationship. The language of empathy as the foundation of the connection, is so much more important in today’s challenging environment. Keep away from corporate jargon which people become inured to, and just speak as if this were a normal conversation.

“Sales people need you to demonstrate that you get their customer reality.”

Never underestimate the power of music that perfectly captures your message and expresses what you want your audience to feel.

A great way to combine all these key creative elements and to powerfully connect with your audience within seconds is through video based ‘movies’.

Imagery should always go beyond the conventional. So often we are presented with trite images to represent business concepts.

Look at the two examples conveying a message of trust – which one is more memorable?

Once you’ve established those building blocks, then you are in the position to support it with the more traditional aspects of sales enablement.

iv.            Training

• Apply the creative techniques explored above to inspire and connect, before getting into the deeper information.
• Where affordable conduct training face to face in groups of no larger than 30 people, if not, online training modules or live meetings are the next best options.
• Up-weight the usage of peer and customer vox-pops to achieve credibility, over leadership messages.
• Practice articulation of the brand and cross-sell and up-sell sales pitches in break-out groups, and pick out individuals at random to present these back to the group. Video these and share on your sharing platforms.
• Hand-out physical tool-kits wherever possible.

v.            Challenges to content usage and information sharing

Easy access to the right information is essential, but the figures referred to above show that much content goes to waste. The four major contributors are:

• Difficulty finding the information
• Content in multiple locations
• “Content is not effective to prepare me to sell.”
• “Quality of content is unacceptable.”

‘An Inconvenient Truth:  The Role and Value of Information in the IT Buying Process’ ( IDC special study #209985, January 2008).

“Sellers spend hours searching for and gathering information.”

Information sharing and community building

Most companies are guilty of having too many sharing platforms – SharePoints and intranets. SharePoint is a great storage facility foryour materials, templates and data, but sales people are rarely enthusiastic about it. It’s not particularly easy to navigate and doesn’t allow for user interaction. Instead of pushing information out, consider enticing users in; make it entertaining as well as useful. Make a commitment to enable sales to become a community, through investment in sharing platforms which can be built onto your existing SharePoint.  Communities encourage peer-to-peer learning, and when combined with uploads of ‘official’ material from your marketing department, this makes your budget work harder. Creating a private Facebook community, or using properties such as Windows Live are inexpensive ways of doing this, and these can then link through to the SharePoint.  Encourage people to upload user generated content and upload your company podcasts. The community will need to be managed to ensure fresh commentary, and that the quality of content is appropriate.

“Think of your SharePoint as the sales counter within a department store, and your community site as the shop window that lures customers in.”

Relevance of content

Once sales have actually found the content, what they find is often not sufficiently relevant or up to date. The problem is compounded by overlapping content on related topics from multiple marketing groups eg. product marketing and brand marketing groups, which usually sit in different parts of the organisation. Furthermore, when pursuing the solution-selling approach, easy access to the different content elements which can be assembled into an integrated presentation, is vital.

Assembling content

Sales need pitch information that caters for a plethora of situations, including pushing the brand and a particular solution, or a solution and a variety of products. These might also need to be tailored to a specific vertical, a target audience, or client objective. Catering to all of this ‘manually’ would require a great deal of resource and marketing budget, today this is far from realistic. What is needed is a presentation ‘collator’ with simple search functionality which enables sales to look up their customer vertical/target audience and then find the solution, the product information and research that best fits. Sales then assemble the content using a standard template.

“Ask your sales people about the steps they undertake when responding to a brief or preparing for a client meeting, and match content accessibility accordingly.”

Think about this as a kind of ‘pick ‘n mix’ that you find in a cinema, people select from a vast array of sweets, take away the perfect mix for them, and all the sweets are presented in the same type of bag.  Of course no tool meets every situation, or replaces the sales person’s judgement and each company requires different levels of information, but after the initial set-up, this will reduce reliance on marketing resource and boost sales productivity.

vi.            Tool-kits

Printing materials is of course more expensive, but sales people do like having physical materials on their desk, or pocket information to take out when with clients. External tool-kits should contain at a minimum:

• Client ready deck covering your all-up story – no more than 10 pages. This should also work as a shell where sales can incorporate relevant content.
• Client ready1 slide PowerPoint for the brand, each solution and product, for inclusion in all-up client ready deck.
• PowerPoint and word templates.
• Client ready1 pager PDFs for the brand, each solution and product, for emailing.
• Battle-cards.
• Top-line data cards.
• Budget permitting, or for more complex propositions; videos, DVDs and demos are very popular with time poor clients and sales people.

This is just a guide to the basic elements, each organisation will need a variation of this.

5.     In summary

“Where the rubber hits the road”

Sales enablement gives your sales force all the practical tools and expertise they need to ‘go Tell and go Sell’. That’s why I call it, ‘where the rubber hits the road’.

If you are debating whether to invest in this area, ask yourself how much resource and investment is currently wasted. Listen to the concerns of your sales force, and to your client feedback. Finally, consider the cost of sending out an ill-equipped sales force to face the toughest economic climate for 70 years.

6.     Further reading

Sales Enablement Implementation & Case Study – Jeanne Hellman

http://www.scribd.com/doc/22779625/Sales-Enablement-Implementation-Study-Sept09-final

Improving Sales Force Performance – Ogilvy & Mather

http://www.scribd.com/doc/11302881/Improving-Sales-Force-Performance

Sales Enablement 3.0: A Transformation of Sales Enabled by a Transformation of Marketing – Clare Gillian, Lee Levitt, Seana Dowling (IDC)

http://www.idc.com/getdoc.jsp?containerId=218546&sessionId=PV0AYH1SSC5EGCQJAFICFGAKBEAUMIWD

7.     Contacts

At EQAgency.com we offer 3 forms of sales enablement:

Marketing Services.

Digital Media Expertise

Yield Management for Online Publishers

To find out more about how sales enablement can help your business, please contact us at:

info@eqagency.com.  Or visit our website www.eqagency.com

We are all parts of the Universal conciousness, which is an attribute of Reality( Brahman)
This was called(consciousness) was named as elan vital by Henri Bergson.
We feel, rather we think, we are different from others due to Space and Time.Please read my blogs on Philosophy and Astrophysics.
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) – If you’ve ever thought that you literally feel other people’s pain, you may be right. A brain-imaging study suggests that some people have true physical reactions to others’ injuries.

As far as the potential practical implications of the findings, Derbyshire said it would be a “reach” to think that such brain mechanisms might be behind all functional pain. But, he added, “they might explain some of it.”
http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE5BK35F20091221?feedType=nl&feedName=ushealth1100

“The task of management is to create superior organizations by getting extraordinary results from ordinary people.” Louis R. Mobley, IBM Executive School 

Motivation and how to get people to do their best has been an ongoing challenge for most people in families, sports and business. Everyone at some time or another has had a  ”slump” or got “stuck” in the difficulties of life. The challenge is how to push through these breakdowns and re-energize yourself to do the best you can?

1. Create and live Personal and Organizational Mission based on principles and values. A leader connects with others and motivates them by living and acting on their shared vision.

2. Be ‘other-centered” and practice “servant leadership” not selfishness–be a man for others.

3. Inspire others through action not just words. Nothing builds skills and confidence as surely and quickly as responsibility for delivering positive change and results. “Walking the talk” is powerful model and motivator for all employees.

4.  People are motivated and aspire to change when we stand for something…strive for excellence and struggle for something that matters and is larger than ourselves. Find something you are willing to go to the mat fighting for will build trust and demonstrate integrity to your followers.

5.   Acceptance of reality can provide the path and motivation for taking control of your actions.   Here is my pain and problem, yes, that’s the way it is, now what can I do about it?  Yes, I loss my job  now what can I do to change this situation around? What needs to be done to put my life on track? What can not be changed must be accepted. Refuse to use denial as a method for living and getting control of your life.  Long term denial turns into a focus on complaining and other negative feelings that simply keep you “stuck”.

6. Live a life of purpose and meaning. Motivation is not a one step process. It involves understanding others, flexibility, listening and observation, focus on individual needs and rewards and reinforcement. Remember in serving a purpose leaders increase credibility and demonstrate that they are not just doing thid for themselves. This behavior shows that you can be believed and trusted and have the team and organization interest at heart.

This concept of Servant Leader is not new. In 1970, after thirty years as an executive with ATT,  Robert Greenleaf  wrote an essay entitled The Leader as a Servant.  He states the following as how a servant leader begins–“it begins with the natural feeling that one wants to serve, to serve first. And then conscious choice brings one to aspire to lead…”  This is different from someone who needs to acquire power or material possessions. This type of leadership is seldom practiced by today’s CEO’s. Robert Greenleaf summarizes this concept when he says ” the great leader is seen as a servant first, and that simple fact is the key to a leader’s greatness.”

Jeff and I kept communicating on and off for some time. We would talk on the phone or have extended conversations at my place.

With time, he started opening up to me. I got to understand why he was the why he was. He had experienced life on the edge; lived situations that were beyond his biological age.

They were ones that I can never imagine getting myself into, or know how I’ve would have handled them during the time that they occurred to him or if they would to me in the future.

But, the more he shared things, the more I grew to respect him.

I also felt sorry for him. A few times he got really emotional and that broke my heart. Although he had recovered from those bad moments, he was still deeply scarred and there was a pain within him that seemed to refuse to go away.

There were times when I wanted to reach out to him but couldn’t. In a certain manner I had lived a life much like his.

My marriage did not turn out as I hoped it would have, and many situations left me feeling that I also had lived way beyond my years.

I was deeply scarred as well, and my emotional pain was so bad it almost made me ‘emotionally challenged.’ It was so deep that I had lost some sense of empathy towards others.

But I did care about him and told him many times. But him, like me, had a hard time believing this from others.

Being hurt and in pain had become part of our lives. It had become second nature.

And what was this cougar playing in all this? I will say this: what we both lived made each other ageless. There wasn’t an age difference here.

But with his uncertain look at life, the cougar simply let him know that ‘hey, I’m still here. I’ve lived through it all and, although I’m down now, I will make it back to the top somehow.

You have lived enough to be practically my age. But if I survived it and still have a positive outlook for the future, so should you.’

Like I said, I did care about him. Hopefully I’m drilling some sense into him.

Once upon a time there was a family in a village. They were blessed with a son, whose name was Jack. The parents took care of Jack dearly. All the family members were affectionate to each other. When Jack went to city for higher studies he fell in love with a girl named Mary and married her and returned his village.

Their parents were also very excited to see Jack after a long time. They received Mary wholeheartedly. After some days, Mary forced Jack to send his parents to other house. Jack had no other choice, but to send his parents to nearby house. Jack had a son who was ten years old named Bill. Every day Bill used to take food to his grandmother and grandfather in a plate.

One day Bill presented a plate to his mother. His mother asked why? Then he said when she becomes old she would also be sent to other house and would require a plate for food. Then Mary felt ashamed and realized for her misdeeds. She empathized and respected Jack’s parents and since then they lived together happily.

Do you ever feel the sadness of a place???

Last September I spent some time on Saltspring Island…

the weather was warm… the scenery was spectacular…

and I was on my way to spend a day with horses…

I should have felt on top of the world… and for many moments I did…

but in-between those moments I cried from my guts…

Squeezing out grief I didn’t recognize from my own experience of the here and now…

And I didn’t know how to make sense of it all…

She rules her life like a fine skylark...

When I talk about those things the odd person asks me…

“Aren’t you over-emotional???”

I ask back, “What does that mean???”

What would a reasonable level of emotionality be???

And who would we put in charge to decide on and measure the acceptable,

or reasonable,

amount of feeling???

Would it be you, or me, or some outside expert???

I worked with a student… a girl…

when she was in Kindergarten and Grade One…

For about a month or so, everyday, at the beginning of Kindergarten,

her mom would bring her into the classroom crying…

Her mom didn’t know what to do…

and I didn’t really know either,

because although I’d seen things like separation anxiety many time before over the years,

somehow this felt different…

So I, or the other teacher in the room, held her… 

until she stopped crying…

Sending her home until she was ready to be there wasn’t an option for me…

I knew that she needed to be here…

I didn’t problematize her behaviour… I didn’t call a School Based Team meeting…

and I didn’t send in the clowns…

But I made sure that I whispered right into her ear,

“It’s okay to be sensitive… and don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re too much…

the world needs people just like you…”

She smiled through her tears… as she cried them…

and after some time she smiled through her day…

with her new friends…

because this class was chock full of sensitive small people…

who get a full picture…

At our first Three-way conference, where student, and parents, and teacher meet to discuss strengths, areas for development, and an articulated commitment from each party to support the student selected learning goal,

this girl’s parents told me, in their English as a Second Language

Our daughter knows what we need before we know…

she gets things ready for us when we don’t even know what we’re going to do yet…

she feels our feelings and it seems like she reads our thoughts…

And we don’t know how we can help her…

Can you tell us what to do???

I didn’t have any answers for them… because I didn’t know what to do either…

this was beyond my scope of experience, as a teacher…

as far as I was aware…

All I knew, in that moment, is that she needed to know that she is perfectly okay… 

and that she has a gift to be treasured…

The year she turned six, in Grade One, the Resource teacher tested her for reasoning ability,

and she scored at fifteen years of age…

There aren’t tests for the other things that she knows, or feels…

I had a dream last week that my parents were in my bed…

their heads sticking out from under the covers…

looking sheepish… 

I firmly told them to get out of my room…

I said, “This is over now… I’m not going to carry your stuff anymore…”

And I woke up feeling so much clearer… and lighter…

After that day with horses I opened up a book I had bought the day before…

on the island…

and I read something about the history of the place… 

a dark history searching for recognition…

and freedom…

You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real... (photo: Starshine)

Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,

Was singing! Without any presents at all! (from How The Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss)

I’ve waited long enough–here come all the Christmas quotes! I’ve got one for every day this week, I think.

I can recite most of How The Grinch Stole Christmas by heart and, sap that I am, I get all misty-eyed every time I read it! This includes when I used it with my students and read it at least seven times a day for three days. But, hey, that’s one thing I love about children’s literature: it fosters empathy for others and tender-heartedness.

Laguna Beach, CA based AJ Novick Group, Inc. is a national leader of innovative and world class anger management programs. For 2010 they have updated their anger management class offering to include several new features which will help the general public, courts, judges, human resources and attorneys.

In addition to their weekly anger management classes and individualized training available, the AJ Novick Group, Inc. in association with Century Anger Management, now offers a new component to their already well recognized model. This new component will include specialized training in interpersonal conflict resolution and a more sophisticated approach to improving emotional intelligence. Additionally, the firm also plans on improving their pre-post assessment. This will enable the client to take the questionnaire portion of the assessment completely online. This will eliminate additional fees to the consumer and will also allow for more time with the client.

“We are excited about these new features as we continue to grow as one of the nations leading anger management providers”, states Dr. Novick. “Additionally, our curriculum updates will also be incorporated into our new client workbook for current and future Century Anger Management trained providers”. This model of intervention teaches skills in: empathy, and emotional intelligence, conflict resolution, stress management, assertive communication, improving judgment and impulse control, expectation management, improving self-talk and optimism, skills in forgiveness, taking time outs and diffusing hostile situations.

The AJ Novick Group, Inc. provides anger management services in a variety of contexts. Participants have the ability to get trained with several options such as online anger management classes, weekly anger management groups, individual anger management coaching, on site training, and weekend workshops.

The AJ Novick Group, Inc. is professional California based corporation. Their highly structured approach includes their curriculum and assessment and was developed by Drs. Ari Novick and Tony Fiore. Their training model has received numerous approvals and continues to be sought out by courts, human resource managers, attorneys, hospital staff, and the general public.

Ari Novick, Ph.D., LMFT
AJ Novick Group, Inc. – Anger Management

Case #1 – Barry Bonds & Shawn Merriman:
Both athletes were suspected of steroid use – Bonds is ostracized, Merriman is elected to the Pro Bowl.

Case #2 – Tiger Woods & Kobe Bryant:
Tiger Woods cheats on his wife, Kobe Bryant cheats and is accused of rape. Tiger is vilified, while Kobe’s transgressions are ignored.

Malcolm Gladwell on the Tiger/Kobe public reaction:
“And now we have Tiger Woods, who fooled around on his wife and hit a fire hydrant. And in the middle of this absurd circus, the reigning King of Kings of the NBA and role model to millions is a man who not that long ago was accused of rape and lucked out of a trial because, by all appearances, he was able to buy off his accuser in a civil settlement. Huh?”

Case #3 – Michael Vick and Leonard Little:
Vick organized dog fights and went to prison for two years. Little drove drunk and killed someone. He served 60-days and has resumed his NFL career. Also, he was arrested for drunk driving later.

Case #4 – John Edwards and Lance Armstrong:
John Edwards cheats on his sick and dying wife. He is labeled pure evil. Lance Armstrong leaves his wife (who stayed with him through his sickness) for a newer, hotter version. He is an American hero.

Case #5 – Abortion and Torture:
Most upsetting revelation for me as a Christian.
Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.

I’m not saying using ‘roids, cheating on your wife, organizing dog fights, and abortion are happy, fun things that we should all try. But it’s clear both our personal experiences and bias play a large part in how we view the world. What we’re missing most is our world is empathy – not morals, not family values, not prayer in our schools… empathy.

Funny is the relationship between the donor and the receiver!

Be it resources, funds, or moral support, sometimes it is the inevitable need of the former to give off a part of the surplus in the name of social responsibility, empathy and consequent charity or even a show of power over the so-called ‘weak’. The latter, in return, acts as the beneficiary shrinking in stature, moaning gibberish at times, to prove ‘weak’!

What prompts the donors to donate? What defines their social responsibility? I wonder…  At times there are causes like medical aid, education, poverty mitigation, orphan care, etc whereas at others empowerment through employment opportunities, self-help programmes, skill enhancement, etc. Often, scepticism looms in… Community initiatives, micro-credits, craft centres, etc are common-place now. But are they oriented to really empower people and make them self-sufficient in course of time? And what about those initiatives which provide a stop-gap respite in the form of funds and ideas to the skilled, but market the by-products among elitists for humongous profits?

I have mulled over:
• Education centres which do not understand the community for which they have been run, like a computer centre for fisher folk or toddy-makers! Instead, wouldn’t it be more appreciable to have vocation centres that help them better their skills in their respective professions using modern technology?
• Community initiative groups, like waste-recycling, bio-diversity protection, etc which do not aspire to make their services economically feasible for communities in the absence of their funds in future!
• Craft centres which do not help the beneficiaries be economically and professionally independent from the centres, like stone and timber crafts, weaving, metal crafts, etc.

Many a time intermediaries of the donors who claim to pass on the goodwill, seem to grow by leaps and bounds whereas the receivers remain needy still. Sometimes they even prefer to be oblivious of the fact that they are not the end-beneficiaries! The donors do not seem particularly keen on checking the logs and flow-charts of resource distribution and verifying if they reach the right hands in the right amounts. Governmental organisations have proved their ‘selective amnesia’ when it comes to fund-related queries (most recent scandal in India being the rebellion against order to inspect the records of Rajasthan’s NREGS); but NGOs seem to be following suit!

Aren’t the donors concerned over the right use of their donations? Or are these just gimmicks to off-load one’s moral/social obligations, which are required of them to gain certain recognitions elsewhere? And shouldn’t the receivers (who often, ironically, are referred to as ‘beggars’ by many donors!!), on their part, use the donations as stepping stones to improve their lives than consider the same as life-long ‘compensation’ arranged by God Almighty for creating them as the ‘deprived’?

Sadly, funny indeed!…

Image courtesy: Google

Back in the end of September, I wrote a post called Thinking About Death. It focused a lot on the afterlife and how our current lives may have an even greater significance if something of us doesn’t go on forever.

The focus of this death post is a little different. I want to focus more on dying, what it’s like to die. I don’t have a coherent structure, just some semi-related thoughts. So if this post doesn’t flow very well, please forgive.

I was listing to the This American Life podcast yesterday while on the road doing home visits for work. The theme for that episode was How to Rest In Peace, and it featured three stories about adults who’s parents had died. The act one story, was about a man named Jason Minter who’s mom was raped an murdered during a burglary gone terribly wrong. Jason was 6 at the time and was in another room when it happened. He didn’t see the robbers rape or shoot her, but he did see her body after.  He 30 years later, and unable to grieve,  he tries to learn as much as he could from that incident in the hope that he’ll properly mourn.

Most of the time, this is most of the information we’re privy too. A person is alive one moment and dead the next. We may not get the details, and we often don’t want too.

If a kid is kidnapped and their body shows up weeks later with signs of sexual trauma, we try not to think about what happened, or how it happened. We grieve, we mourn, and we move on.

 Sometimes we actually see it happen, whether by bullet or by sickness or just by old age. But seldom do we ever get to hear the thoughts, experience the moment from the perspective of the dying.

But, like Jason’s quest, sometimes knowing and understanding the feelings, the thoughts, the process can be therapeutic as well.

I don’t think fantasized is the right word, but I’ve recently wondered a lot about what my dying thoughts would be. How would I react in a robbery with a gun to my face and my family in danger? How would I feel in a car accident?  What would I do, clutching my chest during a heart attack? What would I think about, lying in a hospital bed as my organs fail me?

Yes, one minute I’m here and the next I’m gone. I don’t believe there’s anything after this, so when it’s over and done, they’ll be nothing of me left to care about how it happened, what I didn’t get to do, who I’m leaving behind, and how they’re hurting. I will completely cease to be.

And while I’m almost certainly at peace with death, I’m still a little… scared with dying. There is definitely a comfort in knowing I won’t have any sense or perspective to happen after, but I’m not sure that totally mitigates the moment. The fear and uncertainty I’d feel as its happening.

I think the closest way I can describe it is when I cross a giant bridge. There’s one in my town that is huge, and I’ve only been on it twice. I know when it’s over, when I’ve “reached the other side”, everything will be fine; right as rain again. But while I’m crossing it, “crossing over”, I’m terrified. I have to comfort myself, reassure myself, soothe myself while it’s happening.

I’d imagine my death would be somewhat similar.

And this is partially why lately I’ve become fascinated with stories of people dying. If details are scant, I’d try to empathize, put myself in the person’s shoes and try to envision what that may have been experiencing while it was happening.

I would imagine that Jason’s mother must have experienced a great level of fear, shame, and foreboding, not only for what was happening to her, but how her kids would fare if and when the robber killed her. I would imagine the terror at the uncertainty for their safety and the feelings of helplessness that she isn’t able to, and will never be able to comfort her children in this time of need. Perhaps she was a spiritual woman and, in the midst of all this evil, wondered over what would happen in the after life. Perhaps the robber didn’t lead on that he would shoot her after, and maybe it never crossed her mind. Or that she died before she could fully formulate the thought.

Earlier this summer, I was at an End-of-Life Nursing Consortium training, and was shown a video of a man who was paralyzed from the next down, and how had decided to have life support removed.  He was an older man who had lived an amazingly full and active life. One day he broke his neck will jumping into a lake. He was hospitalized for months and couldn’t breathe on his own. With no hope of meaningful recovery, he decided to call it quits. 

The decision was respected by his family and the palliative care team at the hospital. One of the last things he requested before they withdrew life support was to go outside on the roof and have a beer. Somehow, the staff made it work.

Before the day of his death, the palliative care team prepped the man about what he would experience when they finally withdrew life support. He would feel shortness of breath, and begin gasping for air a few moments. But soon after, he would feel tired and serene and fall asleep. He’d be unconscious when his heart would stop and O2 ceased circulating to his brain.

When the finally pulled life support, his wife was by his side. The gasping was a hard moment for everyone, and he said was scared. But it wasn’t long before the gasping stopped, and his eyes closed, and his heart stopped, and he was gone.

Later in the video, his wife commented that she didn’t think he was scared of death, but because the shortness of breath experience was so unknown, so discomforting, that he felt the uncertainty.

It was a very emotional video for all of us who watched it during the training. And it was so amazingly helpful for me as well since it gave me better insight as to how the moment could possibly happen.

It’s still a little scary, but being prepared (as prepared as anyone can be), may take the edge off a bit.

In reflecting on all this, it’s hard not to empathize with people who die. It’s hard not to see their lives as precious and valuable. All those resources invested, all those years, all those memories… all gone.

Gone in the single moment of death.

Not only does it make me think that we should be slow to violence and war and pain and suffering, but that we need to do more to make sure that everyone gets to live a rich and full and happy life.

If it’s just the one life that we all get, do we really want it wasted being homeless or poor or sick or depressed or angry or lonely? Do we really want our friends and loved ones living their whole lives in suffering and anguish, and that’s it? That’s all you get?

Do we really want to leave our children a shitty, exploited world to live their one life in? Shouldn’t we love people more to help them live a better, happier, healthier life before that moment of death?

I know some people would say “no, we shouldn’t”. And they’d say this because they think we are not of this world, and that a magnificently better life awaits after they die.

And so they bide their time, wait, wonder, and pray for their reward in the here after.

And in doing so, they waste their time in the here and now.

All the while spending, using, consuming, exploiting, hoarding, and destroying all that we see.

All that there may ever be.

Pascal’s Wager  states that even though we can’t be 100% sure God exists, we should live like he does because if we’re wrong, we haven’t anything to lose.

I wouldn’t call having your one and only life wasted, countless opportunities missed and untaken, all on the hope of something being there after we die nothing to lose.

I tell my wife and daughter, mother and father, sister and brother, all my friends “I love you” now because there may literally never be another day to do it.

I make amends for my mistakes now because there may literally never be another day to do it.

I work help people live a better, happier, healthier live now because there may literally never be another day to do it.

I certainly can’t do it after I’m dead.

I know someone who lives next door to an alcoholic mom and an alcoholic dad.  The older brother has already dropped out of high school and the younger child is at risk of falling between the cracks.

The person I know, the one who lives next door to the troubled family, has reached out to the mom and offered help, offered to go along to an AA meeting, offered to help out in any way the mom might allow, but the help is consistently refused.  This mom will go some period of time without drinking, but then she falls off the wagon again.

Now some readers might think that reporting these parents to Children’s Protective Services would be the answer, but even if I were hearing about them in my professional role (which I did not) I would have to think not only about my legal responsibility to report abuse and neglect (and whether the full facts call for intervention), but also about what actually happens after you make your report and fulfill your legal obligation?  Does it actually get any better for that family?

While I am not privy to the full facts in this example, these parents sound like they are in that grey zone where potential neglect is the chief abuse, yet they do love their kids, feed them, do not overtly yell or hit—they’re just impaired to be fully present for them.  While this constitutes a serious wound to a developing child, the system that gets involved when you turn to protective services is much more skilled at protecting from further overt harm than it is a giving much need consistent attention—real love fully expressed day in and day out.

While laws protecting kids are important, and often serve a critical role in allowing kids in dire danger to be removed from abusive situations, in a case like this one often the reality of the system is that a child like this would likely be placed in a worse situation than he’s already in, rather than a loving and nurturing safe haven. 

This is one of the great injustices we see chronically around us:  perfectly sweet and deserving kids (which really mean all kids) who suffer because their parents suffer.  Often these kids then grow up to continue the cycle of suffering, but to help break the cycle we must muster compassion for the parents—understanding that they were once the neglected and/or abused kids. 

If we choose to see the world as our child, from that viewpoint our own kids and other people’s kids, as well as their parents, offer some level of opportunity to love—even to refine our understanding about what it means to love.  Rescue and heroic actions are dramatic, but often the dust settles and nothing has changed.  Conversely, awareness and seeing without (or at least with less) judgment just might have a positive impact—on the kids we send love to via small gestures and unseen kind thoughts—and on ourselves as well. 

Giving what we did not get is a golden opportunity for healing and transformation.  By transcending ourselves, and even our old notions about “fixing” problems, we soften into the potential realization that the world is disturbingly perfect—a perfect classroom for us to learn about humbleness, the true nature and power of love, and the realization that every neglected, abused, loved and dazzling other is, ultimately, also our own Self.

Having been around the system as a clinician, I am disenchanted with the way our culture fails children and parents alike.  Court ordered parenting classes or mandatory AA meetings tend to be ineffective if parents really don’t want to step up, or feel that they simply cannot find the motivation or the courage.  Time spent in the trenches of non-profit mental health interfacing with Department of Children’s Services, Department of Mental Health, group home kids and emotionally disturbed kids ejected or plucked from at-risk families has left me sobered about the near impossibility of getting other people to change, especially if they haven’t somehow hit bottom and become ready to do the hard work of recovery.

And yet I see the kids who are hurt by such situations and I feel saddened and concerned.  It is all too easy for any of us to say what ought to be done, but the real problem, in my view, is both a collective lack of will to view all kids as all of our kids, coupled with the entrenched difficulties of parents who themselves where so often abused and/or neglected.  The brass tacks reality of these sorts of situations is that they are extremely humbling when you attempt to intervene.

This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try to help, but it does underscore how relationships are everything.  In the situation of the drunks next door the person I know was brave enough to do the reach-out—and even though nothing has clicked quite yet, we never know when something might shift.

For ourselves, we might start by asking ourselves if we even talk to our neighbors.  Sometimes we do, but often we do not.  Since I’ve been blogging I’ve had more reason to chat with moms and dads on my block, and this helps create a feeling of community rather strangers who happen to live on the same street.  Perhaps the very fact of strengthening relationships with our neighbors might in some unseen way subtly help those at risk to stay more engaged—with their community and with their own kids.  This makes me think of the transformation, in our minds as readers, of Boo Radley in To Kill a Mockingbird, from scary monster to wounded and misunderstood neighbor; perhaps we go further today and realize that we too are Boo Radley—and that we must understand our own wounded Selves if we are to help our wounded neighbors, kids and grown-ups alike. 

Given that we get wounded in the context of relationships and we need relationships in order to heal, be it AA, neighbors or virtual communities, my hope is that by being more conscious and compassionate of our neighbors, broadly defined as those on our street, those who cross our paths at the market and at work, and those who cross our paths in the virtual world, we might end up benefiting some children who we may never consciously realize were helped by some small bit of human connection that we, as a random human, built with them.

I had a friend in graduate school who was able to be there because the old woman whose grass he mowed died and left him a hundred thousand dollars; another woman I know would, as a young child, chat with a neighbor in her garden—a seemingly fleeting connection that this young girl carried lovingly with her through the rough journey of growing up.  All of us probably remember certain kind grown-ups who took an interest in us, steady or fleeting—those rare people who encountered us as kids and saw a fully legitimate and sacred being rather than a passing object of no significance.  Those people made differences, big and small, in all our lives.  Perhaps we are those grown-up to certain kids we don’t even realize look to us in fleeting moments as someone who cares, someone who might model and stand for things they wish to grow toward; perhaps we can be that person to other kids and parents in our circle.  We don’t really have to possess answers in order to care and to listen—and being accurately understood is the very foundation of feeling loved, which in turn may ripple out to all sorts of people who we may never know we influenced or helped in any way.

So, let’s dedicate today to keeping our non-judging eyes and ears open for those wounded parents as well as kids who may live on our block, in our home or even who we catch a glimpse of in the mirror.  Social Services are all well and good as last resorts, but reconceptualizing our own roles as threads in a social fabric—realizing that just caring and sending good wishes rather than judgment, or making a neighbor kid welcome in our homes (as the person who lives next to the alcoholics mentioned above does) are small things that very well may add up to big differences years down the road.

Namaste, Bruce

What would life be like in these shoes?

An interviewer was once giving a lecture on the art of the the Q&A.  He shared question strategies, tips and techniques he had carefully collected over the years.  The overarching advice he offered to the intently listening crowd was empathy.  That’s it – that’s all it takes to be a good interviewer.  Interviewers are there to be the brush that asks the questions resulting in a beautiful self-portrait.  The moment you take off your shoes and try theirs on for size, you will know what questions to ask that will take the discussion straight to the heart of the matter.  He then went on to stress that empathy is as essential in everyday life as it is to the professional interviewer.  Most people are hoping for the opportunity to be truthful about who they are and how they became that way.

Right now you are asking yourself… “when was the last time I was empathetic?”  But to answer that question you might first need a refresher course on what empathy is exactly.  The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines empathy as the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner – what a mouth full!

In other words, empathy is walking a mile in someone else’s shoes, experiencing the joys and sorrows of their life without actually having to live it.  American actress Meryl Streep says this, “The great gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy.”  However, this gift is only enjoyable when used.  Often times we see the awful enemy of empathy – egocentricity.  As humans, we are inherently drawn to selfishness, narcissism and apathy.  Inflated self-esteem leads to a sense of superiority and a feeling of entitlement.  This may seem a little harsh, but just look at little children.  Yes, they provide us with perfect examples of emotions like pure trust and blind love.  However, they too offer daily examples of selfishness and self-gain.  Just watch them the next time one toy is given to two or more children.

Empathy 101: Empathy is the ability to understand that even though you have never been a turtle, turned over on it's back on a highway - you understand that it might be dangerous, fearful, and that he needs help. You know all of that and you were never or will ever be a turtle.

Empathy has to be encouraged in young children and fostered all the way through adulthood.  Specifically in entertainment, performance centered towns like Nashville – people begin to be all about themselves.  You know – the shameless self-promoters.  To a point, we all have to be our own advocates.  But after that same point, there is the danger of becoming self-centered trumpets with blinders, unable to see anyone or anything around us but ourselves!  This type of person shows up to events around town just to be seen and heard.  You might go far without empathy, but you will be alone.  Empathy is the key to quality networking and the building of honest, true relationships.

When you approach networking with empathy in mind, you begin to see life through the other person’s eyes.  Asking sincere questions might take people by surprise.  Everyone has a rehearsed, public infomercial persona ready to give predetermined shallow answers to general conversational questions.  When you are confronted by someone actually trying to get to know you, the meaningful questions throw you off and you don’t know what hit you.  This act of “throwing off” makes people more present in the moment and sincerity abounds.

Take this turtle picture to heart.  Although this analogy seems a little out of left field and obvious – sometimes we aren’t as quick to be empathetic with each other as we would be in this scenario and that is the tragedy.

“The most valuable things in life are not measured in monetary terms [or fame].  The really important things are not houses and lands, stocks and bonds, automobiles and real state, but friendships, trust, confidence, empathy, mercy, love and faith,” Bertrand Russell.  Next time you are out with friends, painfully waiting for the conversation to be about you – take some time to practice empathy.  Contentment and joy will come when you stop to experience the emotions and stories of others.  If you pause your agenda just long enough, you might be surprised what you learn when you listen to the soulful journey of another.

Last night I got a call from my friend Ms. Tracy. She has been a great inspiration to me.

She lives with many challenges. She’s a wife and mother who finds the time to create beautiful jewelry, write incredibly honest and raw blogs that speak to my own feelings, support others with disabilities who need words of encouragement, advocate and stand up for herself and others and do so while bringing a smile to your face.

I asked Tracy if she could give me some advice, as I have been thinking about taking a stab at making some jewelry, since I’m going to be inside quite a bit this winter. I was inspired by Tracy’s designs on her site “A Fabulous Flair” and I really wanted to do something creative. I wasn’t sure how she went about setting up her site, coming up with the name, etc.

We talked about our lives, disabilities, diet, lifestyle, creativity, crafts, etc. It was a wonderful conversation and I was so pleased to finally hear her voice and get to know her better. It’s so good to get to talk to someone who truly understands your feelings, emotions and the obstacles you face as a result of their own personal experiences.

I’m looking forward to talking with Tracy again.

What a wonderful gift it was to have this opportunity. Thanks Tracy!

Much Love and Many Hugs to you!! oxox

Sam Lee, Elisabeth Warren, Katherine Wright, Nash Yielding
North Carolina State University

ABSTRACT

In the following pages this paper will explore the connection between childhood trauma and adult dysfunction, and how it is played out at the societal level—that is, the sociopolitical effects of parenting. After walking through a brief history of parenting, the focus will shift to how changes in parenting styles have led to changes in societal organization. This framework will be augmented with modern research in attachment styles and the effects of childhood experiences on the physiological development of the brain. The difficulties of research in this area will be explored, and we will attempt to explain how the horrors of the past have remained hidden for so long. With a foundational understanding of the relationship between parenting and sociopolitical outcomes in place, recommendations will be made for how parents can interact with their children in a more positive forward and productive way; and we will outline potential programs for increasing awareness on this topic. Finally, directions for future research and the expected outcomes will be discussed.

KEY WORDS
Abuse, Adolescent behavior, Attachment styles, Brain development, Child development, Childhood, Community program, Conflict resolution, Counseling, Crime, Depression, Education, Empathic negotiation, Government, Infant care, Insurance, Mental Health, Parent-child relationships, Parenting, Political views, Politics, Psychohistory, Psychology, Public media, Social environment, Therapy, Traditional child rearing, Values transmission, Violence

SECTION 1: INTRODUCTION

“The history of childhood is a nightmare from which we have only just begun to awaken. The further back in history one goes, the lower the level of child care, and the more likely children are to be killed, abandoned, beaten, terrorized, and sexually abused” (DeMause 1982).

Since the beginning of recorded history, humans have struggled for every inch of progress. Only recently has progress become something to be expected, something “normal.” As individuals we face the personal quest of throwing off the shackles of our own historical limitations, the struggle of outgrowing the forces that would keep us small. Those forces are compounded at the societal level, but the quest is much the same. We have come a long way in the past 3000 years—and particularly in the past 300—but many of the habits forged in the infancy of our species are still with us: war, genocide, poverty, environmental degradation, violence against women, violence against children. It is time to outgrow these habits.

Research has shown that an inclination toward violence is the result of insecure attachments of children to their parents (Hay et al, 2003). Many of the greatest dysfunctions in society are themselves forms of violence or have been shown to be the result of violence. During the 20th century alone as many as 260 million people were murdered by their own governments outside of war (Rummell). But “governments” are abstract concepts, and abstractions alone do not kill people. Each of these 260 million murders were carried out by individuals, many—if not all—of whom must have suffered from insecure attachments to their parents (if not much worse). Collective violence–in the form of war or genocide–is thus a composite of individual violence, which is rooted in childhood trauma. It stands to reason that if we could somehow solve the problem of bad parenting, we might solve the problem of violence—and have at least a chance of overcoming our greatest personal and societal problems.

SECTION 2: THEORETICAL and HISTORICAL BACKGROUND

Classical works and contemporary studies (Benedict, 1934; Markus, and Kitayama, 1997) argue that parenting styles are responsible for the transmission of cultural values and practices. It is suggested that effective value transmission is measured by whether the behavior of children deviates from or corresponds to their cultural and sociopolitical environment. Studies reveal that the different parenting styles of authoritative, authoritarian, and passive-avoidant approaches appear across both individualistic and collective cultures (Sorkhabi, 2005). Adult competency within one’s culture is the outcome of parenting styles and the transmission of cultural values and practices from one generation to the next. Research indicates that authoritative parenting leads to more competent children (Sorkhabi, 2005) with better fulfillment of goals.

Social dysfunction seems to be an outcome of infant-parent relationships, and the ongoing relationship between the developing child and parents. The theory of attachment styles come into play here. Juffer, Bakermans-Kranenburg, & Van Ijzendoorn, (2005) observed that frightening parental behavior may serve as a catalyst for disorganized attachment approaches in children, and this adaptive approach to the child’s home environment may develop later child psychopathologies (Juffer, F., Bakermans-Kranenburg, J., and Van Ijzendoorn, M.H., 2005). This attachment style is also associated with stress management problems, and later externalizing problematic behavior (Lyons-Ruth, Easterbrooks, & Cibelli, 1997). The model shown below, provides a descriptive look at the parenting styles of mothers in relation to stress and child behavioral outcomes (Assel, Landry, Swank, et al, 2002).

Authoritarian parenting styles are present in households with aversive atmospheres, family conflict (Rosenthal et al., 1996), and adolescent maladjustment (Stewart et al., 2000). It is informative to note the types of parenting styles prevalent in the families of individuals who have taken leadership roles within their community. Poor parenting is related to both child misconduct and adult problem behavior that have been seen in many leaders throughout history. The authoritarian nature of the parenting they received is reflected in their own application of and approach to punishment: aggression, retaliation, apathy, abuse, substance abuse, cheating, lying, and imitation of the perpetrator. Adolf Hitler, Dr. Mengele, and Martin Luther, all of whose parents were abusive, encouraged the strict militant discipline of children that quickly fell into child abuse (Miller, A., 1998). Historical documents show that these practices and parenting beliefs grew into abuse of the leadership role, violent behavior towards out-groups (anti-Semitism, ethnic cleansing), and a community-wide systematic upbringing of children that was harsh, cold, and emotionally distant (Miller, 1998). Harsh parental practices contributed to brain lesions, and slower cognitive development (Miller, 1998). These effects on child outcomes and development will be further discussed below.

Parallel research in both developmental psychology and neurobiology has concluded that there are strong links between the mind and brain. Childhood experiences with parents or caretakers have a significant influence on early brain development, even affecting whether entire parts of the brain grow properly. In the same way that damage to the language centers can lead to communication problems, damage to the empathy centers can inhibit the child’s ability to form attachments and negotiate appropriately. The impact of neglect and abuse on early brain development physiologically show how parenting styles directly affect child development psychologically. The following picture (Bruce, 2002) shows the significant differences in brain development between a child raised normally and a child raised with extreme neglect.

Early childhood is a sensitive period during which experiences, good or bad, have especially significant effects on brain development. Interactions with primary caregivers are particularly important. Neglect occurs when there is a lack of touch, responsive gazing, talking and interacting with infants. An absence of all these experiences is a lack of appropriate stimulation for the brain, resulting in damage to the brain and incomplete development. Researchers have demonstrated a more direct approach of visualizing this process. By blocking one eye of a cat during its early months, changes occurred in the brain’s visual cortex that led ultimately to permanent damage to the eye. Because of the lack of stimulation in the brain’s visual center, it became impaired (Weisel, 1982). Similarly, when a child is deprived of care, positive human interaction, and love, the parts of the brain responsible for how a child interacts with people later in life are negatively impacted. In children, the frontal lobes of the brain are responsible for expression and self-regulation of emotions. When children are deprived of affection and positive emotional experiences, the frontal lobe develops improperly; the lack of stimulation causes neurons in specific areas of the brain to die off (Glaser, 1997). In another case, nine month old infants who were left with friendly and playful babysitters displayed no elevated levels of cortisol (a stress hormone which can damage the developing brain at high levels). However, the cortisol level in infants left with cold and distant babysitters tended to rise. This suggests that stress is dependent on the amount of affection displayed by caregivers. Neglect and abuse from parents causes damage to brain development and limits the proper growth of social and emotional competence.

Child abuse creates a lot of stress for children, and stress in turn damages brain development. Stress response causes the brain to release cortisol, which is secreted by the HPA axis, a neurological pathway that connects the brain to the adrenal cortex and is responsible for controlling cortisol (Glaser). It’s been found that a more reactive HPA axis is linked with greater emotional and social competence. Research has shown that human and animal infants who were subject to neglect and emotional deprivation have continually elevated levels of cortisol. Their HPA axis was more often activated to create “serum cortisol,” which combats the effects of cortisol (Glaser). A 1995 study of a group of maltreated children revealed that mistreatment causes a dulling of the HPA axis, resulting in the lack of social competence. They were placed in socially stressful situations and received cortisol reading tests. The tests showed that these children experienced no elevation in cortisol, meaning their HPA axis was not creating the stress hormone. Although this may appear to be positive, it actually shows that the HPA axis has become dull to the point where the children became physiologically habituated to stress. Additionally, constant exposure to cortisol causes death of neurological cells in the temporal lobe of the hippocampus region. The hippocampus is responsible for memory, so constant stress in early childhood endangers one’s ability to retain memories. This suggests that psychological dysfunction in adulthood is based in the physiological mal-development of the brain which results from childhood stress.

SECTION 3: ENVIRONMENTAL SETTING

In addition to considering the theoretical framework and historical background, it is also beneficial to consider the implications of the current social and political setting and how they affect child welfare, as well as the implications they may have on the validity of the research and implementation of suggested programs. In attempting to explain or modify parenting, it is imperative to look at a broader context. In every sociocultural niche, parenting is a continuously evolving process guided by both past and current conditions that dictate which child behaviors are most desirable and which child-rearing practices are most effective at promoting these outcomes (Kotchick & Forehand, 2002).

There are many factors outside the family, such as community risks and resources, neighborhood quality, poverty, and cultural or ethnic background that may shape parenting beliefs and behavior (Kotchick & Forehand). For example, parents may be much stricter and cautious if they live in an unsafe neighborhood but may act differently if given the opportunity and resources to change the situation. Politics and government may play a role in the environmental setting that affects parenting as well; a democratic government will have a different impact on parenting than a more authoritarian government. There are also more specific environmental contexts to consider. Certain stressors such as work, marital relationship, daily hassles, or other life events play a role in the behavior of a parent (Abidin 1992). These are particularly relevant in a modern society where women are entering the workforce and divorce rates have dramatically increased. Parenting styles and behaviors have changed as many families now include two working parents, step-parents, or single parents.

The relationship between parenting and child adjustment has been established in research. However, there have been few efforts to determine and understand the broader environmental and psychosocial processes and factors that affect the development of parenting. Existing research includes the discussion of these types of environmental factors on parenting styles and child socialization, but fails to delve further into the issue to explain how they may directly and/or indirectly affect parenting beliefs and behaviors. More specifically, most of these studies focus on differences in parenting beliefs and behaviors by contrasting social groups, or by identifying cultural, ethnic, or social ‘norms’ rather than further investigating differences among members of the same group. Further research is needed in this area.

Politics may play a role in limiting data collection and program implementation; in countries which encourage free speech and active social participation, gathering data and implementing programs may be less difficult than in countries that are still heavily censored and dominated by the government. With an increasingly interconnected world, it will be difficult to obtain accurate data, as research projects span the globe and attempt to transcend language and cultural barriers. Another factor that contributes to the limitation of further research is that historians have often been biased–or perhaps not biased enough–in their analysis of parenting in the past. Some have justified actions that we now see as immoral or inappropriate but which were common practice in the past. They excuse the behavior rather than investigating further to identify explanations. Also, as with much psychological or sociological research, there is the problem of obtaining accurate responses. Respondents may try to anticipate researchers’ expectations or give responses that will put them in a favorable light. They may also emphasize events differently than the researcher expects, making it difficult to quantify and compare responses. Researchers should try to make questions exact, avoiding embedded value judgments like ‘good’ or ‘bad’ that might bias responses.

SECTION 4-a: RECOMMENDATIONS for PARENTS

Information on proper parenting styles and techniques could fill an entire book. But in light of the importance of the topic and its relationship to broader sociopolitical trends, it is important to put forward some recommendations for how parents can go about creating more secure and loving attachments with their children. Following the recommendations, potential programmatic approaches to educating parents and training them in these skills will be explored.

First and foremost, adults are encouraged to seek counseling in order to deal with their own histories, to ensure that dysfunctional family patterns are amended, while positive family patterns are enhanced. Such counseling will be most productive and useful if carried out prior to having children, but should be pursued in any case. Research has shown that patterns of interaction are passed down in families from one generation to the next (Bakan, 1971), often without full awareness of the parties involved. Most people are familiar with the stereotype of the woman who was abused by her father as a child, who then grows up to marry an abusive man much like her father, who ends up abusing her children in much the same way she herself was abused. Sadly, there are many patterns which run in families this way, including anger management problems, low self-esteem, and physical abuse. An exploration of personal and family history, combined with parenting classes, will greatly decrease the chances of re-creating such dysfunction, eliminating a host of problems for the children before they even begin.

Infants need (1) nourishment, (2) safety, (3) cleanliness, (4) wellness, and (5) emotional attachment. In the modern West, most middle and upper-class children receive the first four (although this has not been the case throughout most of history, and remains a problem in the developing world today (DeMause 2008)). However, between busy schedules, a lack of parenting training, and failure to process their own histories, all too many parents do not provide infants and young children with sufficient emotional care. Infants and young children need unconditional love. If infants and young children experience their needs, cries, creativity, and enthusiasm as threats to their parents’ love then secure attachment will be almost impossible. Parents are encouraged to respond to their children with comfort and curiosity from the beginning.

As children grow older and begin the process of individuation from their parents, some degree of conflict is inevitable. By contrast, the way in which parents choose to solve these conflicts is not inevitable. Rather than (1) spanking, (2) raising voices, or (3) giving timeout, it is recommended that parents seek alternative methods of conflict resolution. In the event of conflict between themselves and their children for any reason, parents are encouraged to negotiate with their children by (1) asking questions in attempt to understand what the child was thinking and feeling before, after, and during the action that led to the conflict, and (2) explaining to the child what the parents’ expectations were, being sure to discuss their own thoughts and feelings. For more information on the destructive nature of spanking children, see Guthrow (2002), Blacklock (1997), or Hyman (1997); of raising one’s voice at a child, see Sigsgaard & Silver (2005); of subjecting children to timeout or other punishments, see Hyman (1990), Morgan (1940).

In the event of conflict between adults, parents are encouraged to model positive dispute resolution behaviors in front of their children. Conflicts that the child or parent observes in the family, at school, at work, or in the community at large, can become teachable moments in which the parents and child discuss the pros and cons of a variety of conflict resolution strategies. If parents find themselves unable to engage in productive dispute resolution, particularly between each other or with their children, they are strongly encouraged to seek couples’ therapy as soon as possible.

Finally, questions are a natural part of childhood and growing up. Parents are encouraged to respond to a child’s questions to the best of their ability, and to invite and encourage curiosity on the part of the child. If the parent does not know the answer to a question, they are encouraged to respond honestly and say “I don’t know.” They can then attempt to direct the child toward an alternative source, such as a teacher, the library, or a respected website. Age-appropriate responses are best, but keep in mind that it is easy for adults to underestimate the capacity of children to understand difficult concepts.

SECTION 4-b: PROGRAM IMPLEMENTATION

There are a variety of ways to encourage adults to seek counseling and deal with their histories before having children; counseling can be provided either via private consultation or via community support programs. In private counseling, adults can get personal, in-depth help from a trained psychologist. This approach may be better for adults with complex and difficult personal issues or for those who are unsure of the source of their issues. To encourage people to take advantage of therapy, insurance companies could cover the cost of counseling, based on the fact that children who grow up in a more secure environment are less likely to engage in dangerous behavior and are therefore cheaper to insure. The government could also offer tax incentives. In community support programs, adults can gather in small groups to embark on the path to self-discovery with the help of other non-professionals. In addition to the individual benefits, this would allow for bonds to be formed between group members that could bring about a stronger sense of community. Research supports this approach to public health by revealing the tremendous importance of community development–and the relative insignificance of high-tech solutions–to the health of the population (Donaldson, 2006).

It is important that parents respond to cries of infants with comfort and curiosity rather than frustration or resentment. One way to do this would be to develop educational classes for parents-to-be; a psychologist or child development specialist could train parents to understand the source of their infants’ cries, what they can do in response, and how their responses affect the infants’ development. These courses may be provided through health clinics or private business ventures. This program could also be targeted to adolescents so that they are aware of the full responsibility of taking care of children even before having them. The lesson could be incorporated in educational lectures for middle- and high-school students, most likely as part of psychology or human development classes.

Parents and parents-to-be could be trained to focus more on negotiation rather than spanking, yelling, or a related form of punishment. Like the previously mentioned program, courses could be offered through health clinics, covered by insurance, and promoted by the media. Children’s programming and public service announcements could promote the message of “negotiation versus confrontation.” These media efforts could also promote the idea of creative self-discovery to obtain knowledge.

SECTION 5: DESIGN and METHODOLOGICAL ISSUES

The effectiveness of the above recommendations is testable. Young parents and school-aged children are the ideal target population for a cross-cultural, longitudinal study of parenting approaches and child behavioral outcomes. The study may be extended to include infants (to assess attachment styles within the parent-child relationship), school-aged children (to assess environmental variables along with the short-term result of childrearing as it is displayed in child behavior), adults (to assess adult dysfunction), and parents (to assess parenting beliefs and practices). According to past research (Yarrow, 1963), such topics as child achievement striving, dependency, independence, and parent-child relations of warmth-coldness and acceptance-rejection are often addressed as part of the standard approach to assessing parenting practices. The purpose of this research is to review the relationship between parenting approaches and the child’s development of self and treatment of others; this includes the development of a child’s worldview. Overall, key variables include parents’ beliefs and practices, the immediate effects of those practices on children, and the resulting adult behavior.

Finding subjects within the target population may begin by building community awareness of the importance of the research, possibly through the media. Invitations can be sent to the parents of school-aged children to request that their families take part in the study. The process might also begin by contacting parents through mail and sending out surveys. (See Appendix B for an example of such a survey.) Of course, surveys have a host of limitations, but they might yield sufficient preliminary information. For other assessments of parent-child attachments, see the (US) National Longitudinal Survey of Youth’s (NLSY) Mother and Child Supplement, through which the attitudes, practices, and family values are revealed by the viewpoints and perceptions of the parent (Dooley, M.; and Stewart, J., 2007). As suggested, reports tend to be obtained from the mother-child relationship (Yarrow, 1963). Dooley and Steward (2007) have conducted a study assessing family income, parenting styles, and child behavioral-emotional outcomes using the Canadian National Longitudinal Survey of Child and Youth (NLSCY). The complete Construction of Parenting and Behavioral-Emotional Scores (Wiley & Sons, 2007) includes questions pertaining to positive parenting, consistency in punishment and reinforcements, hyperactivity of children, and emotional disorders.

Due to the multi-dimensional nature of the research, a number of different assessments may be delivered in order to better gather as much and as in-depth of information as possible. The results of parenting practices can be measured by indications of child conduct and mental health as diagnosed by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV). The effects of intervention may be evaluated by comparing program participants to a control group. One group will consist of the children of parents with effective parenting styles and the other will consist of children and parents who were not a part of the intervention and did not receive counseling on effective parenting styles. Positive outcomes in the children include the display of: competence, independence, cooperation, assertiveness, and initiative, along with the ability to understand others.

SECTION 6: ETHICS and CONFIDENTIALITY

Throughout the program’s implementation, the confidentiality of families will always be held to the utmost respect and privacy. Anyone in the position of counseling will be held responsible for maintaining privacy with every family participating in the program. Surveys and questionnaires may be taken anonymously. Aspects of the program that is conducted where personal information is disclosed will be private; all information disclosed to the program’s psychologists or consultants will be kept private, as in any doctor-patient confidentiality system. However, if there are immediate dangers seen to the welfare of children, appropriate responses will be taken for the sake of the child’s safety.

SECTION 7: CONCLUSION and OUTLOOK

Research into the effects of childhood trauma is becoming increasingly common, and literature on parenting will take more of this research into consideration in coming years. As parenting practices become more rooted in what is objectively best for the child instead of parents’ inherited prejudices, child-parent bonds will continue to improve. Secure attachment to parents will lay the groundwork for improved adult relationships, resulting in less violence and depression, and greater independence and creativity. The historical relationship discussed above between improvements in parenting and leaps forward in society, reasonably leads to the expectation that the emergence of “actively empathetic” parenting will have major impacts.

If children are shown love and respect instead of rage and annoyance, they will learn the power of negotiation rather than brute violence. As adults, children who learn how to negotiate and who are not emotionally disposed to violence will neither participate in nor condone acts of violence. At the level of the individual, this translates into healthier relationships and a happier life. At the societal level, it means significant declines in the rate of violent crime and perhaps the end of war. Governments will either become more peaceful in the way they operate, or they will lose their moral legitimacy completely, and be replaced by voluntary institutions. Children who are shown empathy will have more empathy for others. As adults they will seek and discover real solutions to problems ranging from poverty, hunger, and homelessness, to dispute resolution, economic instability, and environmental degradation.

APPENDICES

APPENDIX A: The relationship between improvements in parenting and the decline in violence

From: DeMause, Lloyd. (2008). The Origins of war in child abuse. Retrieved from http://psychohistory.com/
Chapter 3: The Psychology and Neurobiology of Violence

The emergence of new parenting styles leads to declining human violence.

APPENDIX B: Sample Survey

CONSTRUCTION OF PARENTING AND BEHAVIOURAL-EMOTIONAL SCORES
CHILD BEHAVIOURAL–EMOTIONAL OUTCOMES 159
Adapted from: Dooley, M.; and Stewart, J., 2007. Copyright # 2006 John Wiley & Sons, Ltd. Health Econ. 16: 145–162 (2007) DOI: 10.1002/hec

Positive Parenting (Score Range: 0-20, Higher score indicates more positive interactions)

1. How often does parent praise child?
2. How often does parent focus on child for more than 5 minutes?
3. How often do they laugh together?
4. How often does parent do something special with child?

Ineffective Parenting (Score Range: 0-25, Higher score indicates more ineffective parenting)

1. How often does parent get annoyed with child?
2. What proportion of talk is praise? (reversed)
3. What proportion of talk is disapproval?
4. How often does parent get angry when punishing child?
5. Does punishment depend on parent’s mood?
6. Having problems with child in general?
7. How often repeatedly punish for same thing?

Consistency (Score Range: 0-20, Higher score indicates more consistency)

1. What proportion of tasks does parent ensure are completed?
2. Does parent follow through with threatened punishment?
3. How often does child get away with behaviour that should be
punished? (reversed)
4. How often does child avoid punishment? (reversed)
5. How often does child ignore punishment? (reversed)
Conduct Disorder (Score Range: 0-12)

1. Gets into many fights
2. When another child accidentally hurts him/her reacts with anger
3. Physically attacks people
4. Threatens people
5. Is cruel, bullies or is mean to others
6. Kicks, bites, hits other children

Emotional Disorder (Score Range: 0-16)

1. Seems to be unhappy, sad or depressed
2. Is not as happy as other children
3. Is too fearful or anxious
4. Is worried
5. Cries a lot
6. Appears miserable, unhappy, tearful or distressed
7. Is nervous, high-strung or tense
8. Has trouble enjoying him/herself

REFERENCES

Abidin, R. (1992). “The Determinants of Parenting Behavior.” Journal of Clinical Child Psychology, 21(4), 407.

Assel, M. A., Landry, S. H., Swank, P. R., Steelman, L., Miller-Loncar, C., Smith, K. E. (2002). How do mothers’ childrearing histories, stress and parenting affect children’s behavioural outcomes? Child Care, Health, and Development, Vol 28 (5), Sep, 2002. pp. 359-268.

Bakan, David (1971). Slaughter of the innocents: a study of the battered child phenomenon. Boston: Beacon Press. pp. 115-117 Retrieved from http://www.nospank.net/bakan2.htm

Benedict, R. (1934). Patterns of culture. Boston: Houghton Mifflin.

Blacklock, Neil (1997, August 18). Facts and arguments. Globe and Mail, Retrieved from http://www.nospank.net/blklock.htm

Bruce, Perry (2002). “Childhood Experience and Expression of Genetic Potential.” Brain and Mind. pp. 79

DeMause, Lloyd (1974). “The Evolution of Childhood.” In Lloyd DeMause, Editor, The History of Childhood. New York: Psychohistory Press.

DeMause, Lloyd (1982). Foundations of Psychohistory. New York: Creative Roots.

DeMause, Lloyd (2008). The Origins of war in child abuse. Retrieved from http://psychohistory.com/

Donaldson, S. I., Berger, D. E., & Pezdek, K. (2006). Applied psychology: New frontiers and rewarding careers. Mahwah, New Jersey: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Publishers.

Dooley, M., & Steward, J. (2007). Family income, parenting styles, and child behavioral-emotional outcomes. Health Econ. 16: 145–162. (www.interscience.wiley.com). DOI: 10.1002/hec.1142

Glaser, D. & Prior, V. (1997). Child Abuse Review. 6

Guthrow, John (2002, December). Correlation between high rates of corporal punishment in public schools and social pathologies. Retrieved from http://www.nospank.net/correlationstudy.htm

Hay, Dale F. et al (2003). “Pathways to Violence in the Children of Mothers Who Were Depressed Postpartum.” Developmental Psychology, 39.

Hyman, Irwin A. (1990). Reading, writing, and the hickory stick: the appalling story of physical and psychological abuse in american schools. pp. 12-13, 139-140 Retrieved from http://www.nospank.net/timeout.htm

Hyman, Irwin A. (1997). The Case against spanking: how to discipline your child without hitting. pp. 58-62

Juffer, F., Bakermans-Kranenburg, M.J., & Van IJzendoorn, M.H. (2005). The importance of parenting in the development of disorganized attachment: Evidence from a preventive intervention study in adoptive families. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 46, 263-274.

Kotchick, B., & Forehand, R. (2002). Putting Parenting in Perspective: A Discussion of the Contextual Factors That Shape Parenting Practices. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 11(3), 255-269.

Lyons-Ruth, K., Easterbrooks, M.A., & Cibelli, C.D. (1997). Infant attachment strategies, infant mental lag, and maternal depressive symptoms: Predictors of internalizing and externalizing problems at age 7. Developmental Psychology, 33, 681–692.

Markus, H. R., Mullally, P. R., & Kitayama, S. (1997). Self-ways: Diversity in modes of cultural participation. In U. Neisser & D. A. Jopling (Eds.), The conceptual self in context: Culture, experience, self-understanding (pp. 13–61). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

Miller, Alice (1998). The political consequences of child abuse. The Journal of Psychohistory. 26 (2) Fall. Information taken from: http://www.psychohistory.com/htm/06_politic.html

Morgan, John J. B. (1940). Child psychology. Revised. New York: Farrar & Rinehart, Inc. p. 178 Retrieved from http://www.nospank.net/morgan.htm

Rosenthal, D. A., Ranieri, N., & Klimidis, S. (1996). Vietnamese adolescents in Australia: Relationships between perceptions of self and parental values, intergenerational conflict, and gender dissatisfaction. International Journal of Psychology, 31, 81–91.

Rummell, Rudolph J. (1998). Statistics of Democide: Genocide and Mass Murder since 1900. Munster: Lit.

Sigsgaard, Erik & Silver, Dorte Herholdt (Translator) (2005). Scolding: why it hurts more than it helps.

Sorkhabi, N. (2005). Applicability of Baumrind’s parent typology to collective cultures: Analysis of cultural explanations of parent socialization effects. International Journal of Behavioral Development, Vol 29(6), Nov. pp. 552-563.

Stewart, S. M., Bond, M. H., Ho, L. M., Zaman, R. M., Dar, R., & Anwar, M. (2000). Perceptions of parents’ and adolescents’ outcomes in Pakistan. British Journal of Developmental Pshcology, 18, 335–352.

1. Pregnant women develop empathic superpower? - A new study suggests that pregnant women may have developed a heightened ability to recognise threatening or aggressive faces, which may have evolved to ensure hyper-vigilance in mothers to be. The down side is that it may also make them more vulnerable to anxiety.

But the good news is. . .

2. There’s an app for that – The Emotional Brain Training app provides users with a brain-based emotional response training method that allegedly teaches people how to effectively process stress to reduce it to healthy levels.

Why is this awesome?

According to the American Medical Association, stress is a factor in over 75% of sickness and the World Health Organization has stated that stress is America’s number one health problem.

3. Big Foot spotted in Minnesota – I suspect that careful analysis will prove this is just PZ Myers after having been expelled from a screening of another idiotic creationist film. Either that or any other adult male on Earth walking through the forest at night.

4. New York City Atheists reach out to Spanish-speaking communities – How is it possible that Hemant Mehta scooped me on a story in my own neighborhood? Damn you, Mehta!! Ken Bronstein and company have started to have services (not sure what they mean by services) in Spanish to cater to Spanish speakers. So far attendence is small but the mailing list is growing, suggesting that that may soon change. Great idea, guys.

5. New Seattle Atheists’ display goes up in Olympia, Washington – It reads:

In this holiday season,
let us remember that
kindness, charity and
goodwill transcend
belief, creed or religion.

And might I say, this is far, far superior to the one put up by the FFRF last year. It’s not divisive but rather is positive and inclusive. It’s exactly the kind of sentiment we should be promoting. Kuddos!

6. D.C. council ignores Catholic ultimatum and votes YES on Marriage Equality – Despite the threats by Catholic-funded charities in the nation’s capital to pull their aid should D.C. vote in favor of same-sex marriage, the D.C. council voted 11-2 in favor of marriage equality.

Council member and former Washington mayor Marion Barry ran down his longtime support of LGBT rights before casting a no vote on the marriage bill, saying, “I’m not voting not against the LGBT community, I’m voting no against this particular act.”

Barry says he supports domestic partnerships and will continue to stand behind LGBT citizens, but says it was a difficult “decision of conscience” that led him to disagree.

The world has yet to hear a legitimate moral argument against marriage equality.

7. Actor Sam Elliott blames the Catholic Church for sinking Hollywood’s plans to complete the His Dark Materials trilogy on the big screen – Why this is news is beyond me. I think everyone already suspected as much. As Sam Elliott points out, the film made an incredible $380 million at the box office internationally and only suffered in the ultra-religious U.S., making a mere $85 million domestically. The total gross is plenty to justify completely the trilogy, only New Line seems to have gotten scared off by the likes of Bill “I love child rapists” Donohue and other fanatical Catholic voices.

In true love, there are no victors and no victims—only the genuine pursuit of time well spent.