Empty day this is

Without you.

Strange feeling it is

I need you!

We are as one

Since April 16,

When you took my hand

To warm it up.

When we first kissed there,

Where love rose up.

You mustn’t be gone

’till WINTER 16.

But empty day, it is

I’m without you!

And a strange feeling this is:

That I need you.

I do love you

Since April 14,

When you gave your words

To me, to see

How your Ocean burns

For me, your sea…

And I want you

Since April 14.

Where are you now?

I want to dive

In…

To…

You!

I’ve Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed Peas

When I started out this semester of school I was rather optimistic that this semester would go much better than in the spring.  Spring semester only with the help of an encouraging advisor who gave me lots of grace did I make it through at least a little bit okay.  The song by Black Eyed Peas “I’ve Gotta Feeling” was playing on the radio all the time in August and early September.  I really liked the song because of how catchy it was and optimistic in both words and pumping up music.  I decided to make this song my anthem for fall semester, telling myself whenever I heard this song that this day, this semester is going to be much better than last semester.  I changed the lyrics when I sang along from “I’ve gotta feeling that tonight is going to be a good night” to “I’ve gotta feeling that today is going to be a good day.”  I love playing this song in the morning on my commute to school, especially when the day is looking like it is going to be a rather crummy one.  When I sing along to this song I told myself that no matter how bad I thought today was going to be I was going to be positive and try to make it a good day.

Midterm time came along and things started slipping academically for me.  I pretty much knew that I had failed a course.  I totally clashed with the professor and her teaching style.  Every Tuesday/Thursday I got a stomachache going to her class.  The professor intimidated me more than anyone has ever.  I have fallen behind in my favorite class, though I am planning on finishing and turning in all remaining items for that class after Thanksgiving break.  Because of how poorly I did in a couple classes this past year next semester is mostly a “clean-up” semester for me.  I am retaking three courses.  I have to push back student teaching a semester which means that I don’t graduate for another year and half.  The song “No Parade” by Jordin Sparks has become my ending semester song.  It fits both the end of this and last semester.  When the semester started I had no guess that it would end like this.  The semester was supposed to go as well as every other semester…normal, not spectacular, but not horrid.  But there was “no parade, no lights flashing”, there was no warning letting me know that things would be such a struggle.  The end of February/all of March I could not shake the depressive mood that I was in.  I had been in these moods for periods of time and had felt lower points than I what I was going through but these moods had never lasted this long.  Because these moods had always been shorter in the past I had been able to better guess what had triggered in to start, but no this time.  This fall semester things looked like they would go well.  Oh how I long for a “parade” to let me know that life is going to take a turn for the worse so that I can prepare myself ahead of time.  I feel like this past year or so I try to stay on top of things with my detailed planner and lists but then I get overwhelmed with a whole bunch of things due all at once and then I just go into a shutdown mode and can’t get out of it.

No Parade by Jordin Sparks

I need help.  I feel like I have no one around that I can confide in and look to for help and encouragement.  As the song “Someone Who Cares” by Three Days Grace poses the question “Why is it so hard to find someone who cares about you when it is so easy enough to find someone who looks down at you?”  I feel like I am surrounded with plenty of people who either tear me down, are shallow friends, or love to gossip and can’t be trusted.  All I want is one person who cares about me, one person who loves me for me.  I also need to allow myself to have more “me-times.”  Times like this where I reflect on life and vent as needed through journaling and blogging, times to do what I enjoy such as scrapbooking or a book of my choice, or going to a movie by myself, being away from other people for a little while so that I can focus on myself.  Society stresses how we should be so independent but at the same time I feel like society has put this pressure on us to always help others and put others first.  If we don’t stop and take care of ourselves every once in a while and make our own physical, mental, emotional self first then we won’t be any help to anyone because we will eventually feel rundown and start running on empty.  That is what I do and have felt for the last few weeks…completely run down.  The week after midterm break I felt so run down that I could barely do the bare minimum needed.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open at 11 o’clock at night which is very unusual for the night owl that I am.  Physically I am somewhat better but still haven’t quite gotten over that rut of feeling empty.  What I really need is to get back into God’s Word and praying again.  I just feel so lost and don’t know where to begin…that sense of being overwhelmed.  I feel like I am in a repetitive cycle….

Someone Who Cares by Three Days Grace

Sitting in a dark room
thinking,
just a fragment
of a feeling

pillar candle melting
slowly,
only human,
what a joke,

just a fragment
rough with edges,
jagged edges
scratching deep

jagged picture
heavy breathing,
inhale deeply,
empty clinking.

We were given a photo in my Digital Illustration class and we had to recreate it with the pen tool, and gradients.  We then created graffiti  and have to free transform it onto one of the blank walls.  This is my finished piece.  I opted to take out the dining room table and chairs, as well as the couch for now so I can make the basics of the room look as real as possible.  I want to continue to work on it adding back in the furniture to make it look complete.  I’m pretty please so far.  I haven’t used gradients before this and it was a little tricky to get hte hang of, but I think it looks pretty realistic thus far.  Feel free to leave some feedback!

For a month or two now, App Tech Studios has been working on a 3D car stunt game called Empty City 3D!!! It is still under development, but I wanted to let everyone know what we are working on. Basically, you are driving a speeding fast stunt car in a HUGE 3D open world (city). But that isn’t all, there are time attack modes with online leaderboards! The spaces will be filled in soon, so post what you think they are, but watch this thread for more info that will slowly be revealed…

Keep your eyes peeled on the site as we’ll be the first to give information on this new game!

Thank you,

Robert

CEO of AppTechStudios

I have no inspiration to write something special. Just a bench in a fog.

          I made the decision.  I’m counting you out now.  I’m cutting the tie.  I’ve grown weary of being forgotten, ignored, and belittled.  Sorry my socioeconomic status makes you think of me as some lower life form.  Sorry I call things like I see them and am not afraid to do so.  Sorry I’m honest with you. Sorry you can’t take the SLIGHTEST amount of criticism.  Sorry you can’t take any credit for MY song.  Sorry that money has really warped your sense of reality.  And I’m sorry your precious book is all you have.  May you make millions of empty dollars… I could go on, but there really is no need – you are already discrediting this entry as being something only a peasant would do.  And we wouldn’t want to associate with those, now would we?  Have a blessed day!

I visited Odakyu’s Agris Seijo rental farm in Seijogakuenmae in Setagaya and was prepared to be charmed by a community vegetable farm built by a rail company above their tracks. Three years ago, the Odakyu corporation rebuilt the station, undergrounded the railway, and used some of the new land to promote urban farming. But I left feeling somewhat strange that reclaimed land could be gated and restricted. Although it is the rail company’s property, I think they missed a huge opportunity to create a great space for the neighborhood.

The farm is entered through a two story building that has a plant store on the first floor, spilling into the sidewalk, and a club room on the second floor. On entering the building, I learned that the garden was gated, and that no photographs were allowed. With my Tokyo University of Agriculture business card, I was handed a visitor’s pass. Two explanations were given about the no photography policy: customers would be concerned about their privacy, and photographers might misrepresent the photos they take. Please note that all the photos in this post were all taken from public roadways outside the gates.

Once inside, I discovered that this Agris Seijo t has 303 rental plots, ranging in price between 5,500 and 14,500 yen per month ($60 to $175) depending on size and sunlight. 70% of the plots are being used, and the farm is organized in two seasons, with a fallow period during winter. Many of the customers are first time vegetable growers, and there are classes and staff to help them.

Some of what I observed: an elderly man harvesting giant sweet potatoes. Attractive netting with metallic strips to deter birds and insects. Some very attractive plots with broccoli, rainbow chard, carrots, celery, lettuce, salty leaf, peppers, basil, cauliflower, onion, eggplant, daikon radish.

Clearly burying the tracks below grade reduces railway noise for the neighbors and adds soil and plants which benefits the environment. There are benefits for customers and neighbors. Yet, I was struck by how empty the farm was during my weekday visit, and wondered why only 70% of the plots are rented after three years of operation. I also wonder if the customers or the railway company owner feels more special or important because of the gated aspect of the garden. In a city that is remarkably safe, I cannot imagine need for keeping people out.

This wealthy project reminds me of the community garden I observed in Tsukushima. There, neighbors invested great time and effort in making beautiful spaces on an existing concrete river embankment. It appears that each gardener is expressing their own passions and perhaps competing with their neighbors. At no cost to the local government, neighbors have beautified dead space which can now be enjoyed by anyone. The Tsukushima community garden is completely accessible 24/7 and shows how ordinary people can create a great public space.

Some more thoughts and image about Odakyu after the jump.

From the rental farm, I noticed that the new Seijogakuenmae station had a roof garden. Making my way above the first two floors of retail, and a third floor of parking, I reached the roof garden on the fourth floor. It was nearly vacant, apart from two high school age boys and a woman sitting alone. Surrounded by restaurants, maybe the roof garden is appreciated more during dinner hours.

I realize that creating great urban spaces is about more than money and design. Empty spaces provide little human benefit. It appears that wealthy neighborhoods are more concerned with restricting access and remaining exclusive, yet the results are dead spaces. Seijogakuenmae, with more action in its parking lot than its sidewalks and roof top parks, reminded me of the privatized spaces of the United States.

Lastly, there is one more image from Odakyu that may surprise foreigners. Historically, throughout the 20th century, private Japanese rail lines played a critical role in developing its cities: railways fed into railway-owned department stores, and some of these corporations branched out into other business including developing suburban housing. Odakyu stations all feature convenience stores, owned not surprisingly by Odakyu.

So I got me a new Canon 7D just 10 days ago.. I couldnt test it or try it out immediatley cuz I had some major school work to do and needed to prepare for my A.C.E exam.. BUT today some friends of mine had a music video to shoot for a class project and I was appointed job cameraman #3 with my 7D.. and it was beeeeaauuutttiiiful! Here are some images.. downsized a little for web.. the video footage will be uploaded soon when their project is finished in less than 2 weeks.

Why is it that musicians play in silence?
Why is it that painters start on a blank canvas?
Why is it that drivers want a deserted road?
Why is it that writers stare at a white paper?
Why is it that thinkers end up with a blank mind?
Maybe the world is full of empty things people try to fill with more emptiness

Its simple – write a select that guarantees the return of nothing.  You will need to know your data.  In my case this is for adding rows to a log table.  The rows are timestamped when they are entered, so I had:

SELECT [Time], [Message] FROM [LogTable]

where [Time] > {fn Now() }

It worked.

Then it began to time out.

Every time the SELECT was run a table scan occurred.  The log now has just over 500,000 rows.

I removed some to a history table, down to 100,000, but still no good.

The execution plan says table scan, so that is the obvious cause.  I soon discounted indexes, the table is rarely read, and I’m prepared for the table scan when it is, as the select is likely to include [Message] Like ‘%something%’

Then I tried

SELECT [Time], [Message] FROM [LogTable]

where 1 = 2

the execution plan says ‘constant scan’, and the query analyser reports 00:00:00 as the execution time.

FIXED!

With a few minutes to spare before meeting Hiraga Tatsuya of Landscape+, I stepped into nearby Shin Edogawa park. The colors were beautiful, and empty apart from a couple having formal wedding photos taken in traditional costume. I wonder what the small seasonal sculpture is. There were several placed in the garden, and they seem to be made of rice stalks, and possibly with a religious meaning.

Please let me know if you know. Here’s a close-up.

And another garden photo after the jump.

It’s dark in here.
I can’t see.
Please let me out.
I’m lonely.

Now that you’re here,
Please stay?
I need your kindness and understanding.
I am falling apart.

I don’t know up from down.
Left from right,
I can’t determine anything.
All I know is hurt.

It’s dark in here.
And no one wants to feel lonely.
Loneliness hurts…
It hurts the heart and soul of me.

I cry for no reason at all now.
I was happy before this.
And now, it’s dark in here,
And I’m lonely

Please don’t go?

Yesterday was the final day of business at our Felpausch Branch.

The Felpausch grocery store, however, has been closed for some time now. So before we packed up and left, I grabbed a few pictures (above) of the empty store.

Pretty sad. Now that giant building will stand vacant until someone comes up with a better idea for it.

So long, Felpausch. It’s been a good run.

I think I started this blog incorrectly. I can’t just be complaining about everything and expect to get anywhere like that. Having said that I did get a comment on my second day which is way more than I expected but it’s also true that it’s still my first and only post ever! :S

But that’s not the point, it’s not about getting more hits or comments it’s about an attitude and that’s not my attitude, that’s not me… or at least I hope not   It’s true that I’ve always been pretty critic with everything but I’m also a very positive and fun person so a change is definitely needed on this blog.

Starting today this blog will be a little more personal… and even if I still remain the only reader, I’ll keep the posts a little more meaningful. I think it’s time to write a little bit about myself. Even though I want to remain anonymous there’s nothing wrong in telling you some things about myself.

Lately I’ve been reading blogs to try to get some inspiration and I read one about love, life and starting over. I’m over 30, recently divorced and just moved to a new country (not bad for a change :S). I’ve always been a very stable relationship-guy, meaning that I’ve always had long-term relationships or, what’s also true, not many girlfriends

I wouldn’t change any of my ex-girfriends or ex-wife experiences for anything. I know what you’re thinking, “they didn’t work, you clearly failed!”, and it’s true, but what I lived with them was worth each and every moment and it’s a shame they didnt’ work out, but that’s life and you can only take it as it is.

I do miss something, though, and it might be because of my “girly, sensible” (or maybe “stupid”) personality that feels I had so much that I don’t want to be alone and not have someone to share life with. I do, I want to live, listen, comment, feel someone else’s pains and joys, bad and good times, you know what I’m talking about… I want HER!

So there you have it, I do feel empty, or at least like I’m missing something, and I’m not sure if this “need” to love someone is something positive or just another flaw or weakness in my personality… but I know I like it and I know what  I want… except I don’t know how to find it…

The more progress you

make, the louder the echoes

get. Moving day.

Today, right now, at this precise moment, I’m thinking maybe I should get a therapist.

Wow what a way to start the day… or night… its night… what a way to start a post is what I mean… pmsl.

sorry. i just feel a bit shitty today… so this is probably gonna be some whiny emo kid post. so im apolagising now… i cant even spell the word. what a rehtard i am.

I don’t like coming home and now having a dog anymore… its weird… my house feels mega empty when im here on my own now. and I don’t even feel safe now… which is stupid, because my dog wouldnt do shit anyway. i need a new dog. i need a pugggggggg. trying to convince my parents its a good idea… they disagree.

ill get my pug if its the first thing i do.

wow and my ears being stupid again… i realy should get it checked out. urgh.

i want some green and red lights for my room… and some new posters, and some shelves, and some beanbags…

i want a hug… a man hug… lol… anyone game? wow my blogs turning into some kind of online hugstitution now.

good day tomorrow me hopes… either sleep or seeing berttttttt and kevvvvvv. yay. lots of old school game action…

wow i just found out theirs a re-tweet button and I DON’T GET ONE! pissers! although, its probably for the best… I weet wayyyy to much anywhoozers, so they probably figured i dont need a re-tweeter…

its windy windy windy… yay. maybe a tree will fall down… id like that… not sure why… i just want a tree down…

Xx

Shout it out LOUD! My emptiness. My solitude. My insanity. My sorrow. My mistakes. My problems. My sickness. My life.

I’m tired of all these. Call me crazy. Say I’m strange. Tell me I’m the world’s greatest fool.

Why must I go through all these freaking shit? Why God? Why of all people and it’s me? Why?

Why give me hope when it won’t even last? Why must I go through this damn journey alone? Why even create me?

I hate myself! I hate who I am. I hate to go through all these alone when problems just keep stacking up! There’s not even one soul I can turn to. Nobody understands me or gives a damn.

If God can create my existence, why not destroy me? I hate to live with all this mess. If to live is to die, why survive?

I fear that much of our zeal has become misdirected; what began as a desire for other believers to know God has become an obsession with recreating other disciples in our own image — the self-made Christian. “If only I can build that ladder to heaven with my own two hands,” we think, “then I will be able to reach God.” Or, as have heard preached: “A relationship with God is like an empty box, you only get out what you put in to it.”

Oh, but I’m happy to remind you that the preacher was mistaken, and that we have been mistaken, and that the Good Book never mentions empty boxes, but it does talk about an empty tomb, and cups so full they runneth over.

That is the vision of divine generosity that took hold of me while I was an undergrad, and that continues to direct both my faith and my art-making.

It happened on a balmy evening in the summer of ‘03. I had installed myself on a pile of rotting railroad ties just outside of a little cemetery, where I batted at mosquitoes and tried to summon the strength to return to my studio and correct my latest round of mistakes. A train whistled in the distance — a long, lonely cry that seemed to echo my own mournful defeat. I felt thoroughly empty, consumed from within by my own failure and unworthiness.

But I’d seen this vibrant hillside from the open door of my basement studio, glowing emerald in the the evening sunlight, with shadows like midnight stretching from below the low-hanging trees. It looked like a place of rest, and I thought perhaps I might find some small peace among the silent stones of those who dreamt within the earth. And so I went, and I sat. I was empty. But here, even the air was full, with moisture and the earthy scents of summer; ripening wheat, blossoming dandelion and magnolia, all manner of living things sprouting upwards from fertile soil. And peace fell like rain on my tired spirit.

I sat, unmoving, until it was fully dark, amazed at this silent field of modest graves bearing witness to the graciousness of a loving God. Like that summer night, the divine richness is so great that God asks nothing in return — only that we come and drink our fill of all that is offered to us. We come absolutely empty, ringing horribly with our own hollowness. We have nothing to bring. But all the same, God gives, and we go away filled to overflowing.

If we then worship, it is only because we have been loved by the God who is love. If we then go to serve others, it is only because we already been served by the greatest Servant. The only empty box is the one we bring to be filled. The only thing asked of us is that we come.

In due time, the heavenly ladder will be provided.

[This post is adapted from a piece I originally wrote in January, 2005.]

I am capable of words. Big words, small words, empty words but I’m not capable of meaningful words. I can shower you with a million words and then i can go on and tell you a million and one empty words.

But tonight it’s not about empty words. Tonight I actually miss someone, since morning actually. I guess certain people sometimes have certain effects on you. Not necessarily  ever lasting. I certainly hope not.

And then there’s that crush I’ve been nursing. I wish I could re-do the crush.  Although it’s deja vu for sure. It reminded me of when I was 10 and having a crush, more than one actually but one stood one because back then I would like to think I had my shot with him. Even then I showed signs of backing out. Somehow the chance came again when I was fifteen. But the cute prefect and the never punctual, rebellious girl was such a cliché pairing that I decided against it. My thoughts went back to when it all began, when I was 5. I wonder where that boy is now. I’m more than positive he’s gorgeous.  I would like to believe I am glad for not taking those chances. Still, one couldn’t help but wonder, what if, just what if, one of those chances were taken?  Somehow, it’s nice to ponder as such.

Nonetheless, I doubt adolescence crushes would answer anything here except feed the whimsical wonders of the mind.  I missed harmless crushes, I guess. Now that I’m in one of those moments, I could not help but feel ten again, maybe fifteen. It doesn’t mean I wanna re-live it. Once was enough.

There was a good feeling about tonight though. Then again there’s always good feelings when words turned genuine.

XOXO