Chances are that everyone has thought about the end of the world at some point.  If the book of Revelation in The Bible is to be believed, it’s going to play out like one of the most epic sci-fi movies you’ve ever seen, which means you’ll need a geek on your side to make sense of it all.

Dragons, armies of angels, the risen dead, fire from the sky, Horsemen of the Apocalypse, trumpets, books of life – they’re all going to form part of the biggest Alt + Ctrl + Del the universe has ever seen.

If you buy into this picture of things to come, the question of who will eventually inherit the Earth is moot because the Earth will be no more.

But for the rest of us, there’s hope, because [barring a Biblical end-of-days] geek culture has given us the tools to survive virtually any Apocalypse – geek knowledge.

Zombie holocaust

I just saw Zombieland for the first time and it got me thinking: who on Earth would survive a zombie outbreak and the resulting near-extinction of the human race?

This is where you want a geek on your side.  You see, one of the protagonists in Zombieland is a geeky little Nigel-no-friends called “Columbus” (played by Jesse Eisenberg) who plays World of Warcraft, has phobias about, well, everything, is still a virgin and is unbelievably anally-retentive.

He comes up with this set of useful and – sometimes – inane rules that have assured his survival throughout the massive zombie holocaust that forms the basis of the movie.

Like Columbus, being ready for any eventuality is a pretty smart move, so make sure you take some note from the world of geeky movies and literature.

They’ll tell you things like: “Zombies can only be killed by massive trauma to the head, heart or by total destruction” and “you can be turned into a zombie from a bite or even a mere scratch from another zombie.”  All absolute gems that could save your life. 

But this wouldn’t be the worst end of the world in my opinion.  Zombies are pretty horrible, but they’re relatively easy to overcome if they’re not coming at you in overwhelming numbers.  And for the most part, they’re pretty stupid so they’re easy to out fox if need be.

Besides which, a zombie holocaust also means abandoned cities and all the free shit you can pack on the back of a truck – so it’s not all bad.

Vampires & Werewolves

Vampires and Werewolves are less likely to overtake the Earth because of their natural aversion to sunlight and dependence on the moon for their power.  But it is conceivable that they’d find a way to walk and kill in the daytime, so the risk is still there.

And I’m not talking about the wimpy little sparklies and furries from Twilight or even True Blood here, I’m talking about REAL Vampires – the vile, scary creatures of the night that have an insatiable appetite for human blood.

I’m talking about the original Vampires, that had no hair, withered genitals and were infected with the disease that made them this way.  I’m talking about the raw, un-sanitised Vampires that movie-maker Guillermo Del Toro depicts in his latest series of books called The Strain.

I’m talking about the Werewolves that kill without remorse, true spawn of hell borne out of a covenant with the Devil himself.

Contrary to what Twilight or True Blood will tell you – Vampires are not friendly, they’re not capable of love and they’re certainly not interested in cuddling you while you sleep.

If a Vampire or Werewolf holocaust came about, you want to stock up on silver chains, wooden stakes, crossbows, flamethrowers and possibly UV lights.  Oh, and a geek to show you how to use all the aforementioned weapons.

Alien invasion

The jury’s out on this one.  Geek culture suggests a number of conflicting and downright stupid ideas for doing away with Alien invaders – from computer viruses, to the Earth’s atmosphere, to the sultry sounds of Slim Whitman’s “Indian Love Call”.

Why Aliens would invade Earth  beyond me.  There’s hardly any intelligent life here – nothing we could possibly teach them if they already possess the technology to travel freely through space and we’re ploughing through our natural resources at such a rate that soon there’ll be nothing worth invading for anyway.

Monster attack

In the words of Tony Stark:

*They* say that the best weapon is the one you never have to fire. I respectfully disagree. I prefer the weapon you only have to fire once. That’s how Dad did it, that’s how America does it… and it’s worked out pretty well so far.

Ask King Kong, Godzilla, the Dinosaurs from Baby, the more guns you have or the bigger the boom, the harder they fall.  At least, that’s what they’d tell you if they weren’t dead.

Unfortunately, if you’re one of the masses and you don’t have access to a Jericho missile system, Uranium-tipped ordinance, or even a nuke, you’re pretty much buggered because you have to rely solely on the military and it ability to take the beast down – and your ability to avoid large built-up cities.

(*When you have time, read this excellent piece on defeating a 500-foot monster. You just can’t buy this kind of wisdom!*).

If somebody asked me the question again: “who do you think will inherit the Earth?” I’d probably say that the stupid will initially inherit it, but geeks eventually will when the rest of the sparkly vampire-lovers have been drained of their blood, people have been dematerialised while trying to communicate with an alien with a Casio keyboard, and zoo keepers have been digested and shat out by a 500-foot reptile. 

It’s just a matter of time.  So have you hugged your geek today? He may save your life one day.

The reasons for the population explosion of the 19th and 20th centuries became clear shortly after society crumbled, sometime in the 21st century.

It was at about this time, sadly just too late for many, that a power source both clean and immeasurable was discovered. Such was the depth and beauty of this source that engines for harnessing its power could be built with the simplest tools by anyone half conversant in the new technology.

The ready availability and exceptionally low cost of this power source had an equalising affect on the population of the Earth at that time. All material goods, personal gain and one-upmanship became something of a misnomer, once any person could produce as much of any item as they desired. There suddenly seemed to be no point to it all.

And, by and by, this lead to the invention of the time machine. It behoved people to return just a short time in the long history of this planet, (you could only stay on this planet; travel to other solar systems or even other planets was clearly a complete waste of time, due to the ridiculous distances involved), to the period perceived as the ‘boom-time’ in the long story of the Earth – the industrial and technological revolutions of the 19th and 20th centuries.

It must have been a great time to be in, went the reasoning, as there were so many people around at the time…

As you may be able to tell by now, what actually happened is that almost half the people on the planet at that time were in fact not from that time, but from a short time in the future.

The situation was such that you had people leveraging their knowledge and savvy to become the oligarchs of that famed period in hostory, whilst certain ‘thrill-seekers’ spent time in the most overcrowded and inhospitable areas of the world – living life on the very edge of survival.

It got to such a point that these people, somewhat foolishly, did not keep track of the date. Hence, society duly crumbled, due to obvious reasons, and the majority died with the rest of humanity.

Those that were left after that horrendous time had a different perspective on it all, and promptly invented the new power source – and so it went on.

Max pulls out a baseball bat and beats the fascists running our government into a bloody pulp.

part 2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juvGbuVTKwg

part 3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUItZ8fzvxc

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Most people I know would agree that we live in a profoundly sick society. And an increasing number of these people would agree that this sickness runs quite deep, perhaps even to the foundations of what we consider to be “civilization”.

I submit that the seemingly radical nature of this conclusion diminishes with each passing year, as the contradictions inherent in our present way of being become more painful and more apparent. At this rate, the perception that society or civilization is fundamentally insane will become a matter of common sense and general consensus in a few  more decades. Of course, by then it will probably be too late to attempt any kind of reform or revolution.

One of the key hallmarks of insanity in individuals is the pathological inability to distinguish between fantasy and reality. (I say “pathological”, because (1) in all fairness there is probably not a hard and fast line between fantasy and reality*; and (2) this ambiguity can also be expressed in a creative, productive manner — how many great artists danced along the boundary between madness and sanity?) I would suggest that this is really the root of all society’ s problems: our insane society has lost the ability to distinguish between fantasy and reality. We collectively suffer from what Alfred North Whitehead called “the fallacy of misplaced concreteness”, or what Korzybski described as “mistaking the map for the territory.” The human mind has an amazing and uncanny ability for abstraction. Unfortunately, these abstractions can become untethered from the real world and lead us into all kinds of delusions. And when we mistake these abstractions for reality, we can potentially land ourselves in some really deep shit.

In other words, the problem is basically a process whereby we create an abstraction, and then go on to identify our reality, our well-being, and our very selves with that abstraction to the detriment of actual, real life.

We can find any number of examples of this error on both a personal and a social level. Consider the utter failure of the recent COP15 talks, and the fact that most governments are more concerned about the movement of “little green pieces of paper” than they are about the imminent collapse of the natural systems which support life on this planet.

Or consider how many people are willing to fight and die in the real world over imaginary lines we draw on maps.

Or consider how knowledgeable the average American is about fictional characters while remaining more or less ignorant about the real people living next door.

There are an infinite number of manifestations and permutations of this culture’s insanity, but at bottom they stem from confusing self-created abstraction with reality. We then proceed to chase after these abstractions as if they were real, or else strive to enact them in the world no matter the cost in lives and suffering.

The result is a systematized mass hallucination undergirded with organized violence which we call civilization.

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* – More on this later. It might seem to contradict everything else I’ve written here, and perhaps it does, but I actually think it’s broadly consistant with the “diagnosis” I’ve sketched.

I’m waiting for the end of the world, or a flood, a tsunami, a great fire, a situation where nothing matters, so I can do what I can’t do otherwise. In the dream I saw last night, I was in an elevator with a beautiful girl. Only the two of us. Now I’m eyeing her up. How I long to kiss those roses? Then it starts shaking, an earthquake. We’re all going to die, and there’s nothing I can do, except…I take a step towards her, and she knows why. “There’s no need. Thanks” she says. I don’t care. Nothing else matters. Her deep, dark eyes, widen as my face comes closer. Then I kiss her, those rosy lips. Their softness, their sweetness. When our lips are parted, the earthquake is over. We look away from each other, then look down at the floor. The door opens to the ground floor, so we step out of the lift, and walk out of the building. Once outside she asks ” you’re coming on Fridays too, right?” I don’t answer straightaway, and instead look up at the sky, how the building is trying to touch it. Then I say “you will never see me again”, and I walk away. What followed must be another similar dream. But I don’t remember it, whatever the hell it was.

A family of 4 earning less than $88,200 income will be faced with 15,000 in private insurance costs by 2016 should Obamacare pass.

Townhall explains:

The Senate health care bill gives employers two powerful incentives to stop offering health insurance coverage to their workers. First, if an employer does offer coverage, its lower-wage workers will lose the federal insurance subsidy they would otherwise get. Secondly, if an employer does not offer coverage, the $750-per-worker fine it faces will be far less than the premiums it would pay if it did offer coverage.

Where does this leave a mom and dad with two children and an annual income greater than $88,200? It leaves them without employer-based health insurance and facing a federally mandated $15,000-per-year insurance bill.

If this legislation is not stopped now, there will surely be a popular rebellion when the insurance mandate hits in five years.

Of course, what Terry Jeffrey doesn’t understand is that America has turned into a bunch of limp wristed ninnies that can’t stand up for themselves and demand all manner of fascist regulation to bloat the pocketbooks of rich industrialists, bankers, brokers, and politicians.

American’s demand to be looted by government by having their savings debased.

American’s demand to be looted by government by handing trillions in bailouts to international private banking syndicates.

American’s demand to be looted by government by expanding the police and military industrial complex at every opportunity while simultaneously engaging in two wars and maintaining over 180 military bases around the globe.

American’s basically hate freedom, hate the constitution, and feel they are too dumb to take care of themselves.

Therefore, there will be no revolt and we will finally realize the socialist utopia Stalin first envisioned as he killed off 10 million Ukrainians through intentional starvation.

“The Mayans did not try to warn people–they simply had a calender that ended on the year 2012, just as ours ends on December 31st. In fact, the Mayans have shown irritation and contempt for the way their culture has been portrayed.” –Ben Radford

Ben Radford, the literary expert on myths, frauds, and media exploitation, wrote a recent article in the Skeptical Inquirer, one of my favorite periodicals on science versus science fiction. The article was in part a review of the movie 2012 starring John Cusak, as well as his stance on 2012 and a video interview he conducted with the movie’s director.

here is the article for your discretion: http://www.csicop.org/si/show/2012_not_a_complete_disaster/

I, myself, saw 2012. Although I was impressed by the extensive CGI, must agree with Mr. Radford. The media has no doubt exploited the public’s fear over humanity’s survival, just as it exploites every aspect of society for its own purpose. I also don’t believe the Mayans had any ability to predict the future. They did not predict anything in their culture as a fortune telling type deal, but made scientific discoveries that turned out to be true. Furthermore, my dad put the question most eloquently: if the Mayans could predict our downfall in 2012, why could they not see the end of their own great civilization? hmm….questionable.

Being a metaphysical-type, I still have my own theories on the matter, some of which seem crazy and totally out-there. But nonetheless they’ll probably appear here sometime in the near future. I’m excited to announce at on 2012 I will be 21, which means even if the world ends, I can be too intoxicated to notice. Whoopie :]

Here are 5 things that made me laugh pretty hard during the past 10 years:

In no particular order:

I found the series of GI Joe videos during my 4th year of university, when Ebaumsworld was big. My friends wouldn’t stop saying “Porkchop Sandwiches” or “Help Computer” for a really long time.

While this particular clip probably isn’t one of the funniest clips of the past decade, it is representative of Anchorman as my choice for funniest movie of the past 10 years. As this also came out during my senior year of university, I had to move into the library under Schmon Tower at Brock University to get anything done. I sang “Afternoon Delight” at at least one party. In no way is that depressing.

Definitely the funniest folk parody duo of the past 10 years, the Flight of the Conchords produced some of the most smartly written singing comedy that I had ever heard. They even inspired some of my own work.

Arrested Development is my choice for funniest show of the past decade. I personally find George Michael to be the funniest character, but it’s pretty hard to choose.

And finally, love him or hate him, there was this:

Agree? Disagree?

Honourable Mention

Dwight Schrute, Dick in a Box, Robert Goulet, Superbad, Total Eclipse of the Heart, End of Ze World, Clone High

in the future we will die eventually. there will be some virus or a meteorite or an alien invasion OR SOMETHING that will bring our short reign as the most powerful beings on this planet to an end. i like to pretend sometimes when i’m walking down the street at night alone that it has already happened. that inside the houses with the lights off there is no power to turn on, there is rotting food in the fridges and there may be post apocalyptic zombie dogs lurking about every corner.

that is of course only if we meet our end because of some human engineered zombie inducing germ or nuclear explosion that tears down the balance of our DNA to leave us deformed, stupid and blood thirsty. i like to think about that if our makers were met and if somehow our world remained intact and IF, JUST IF, there are aliens and they do discover the remnants of our society what will they think? will they praise our advancements in technology? our attention to the arts? will they find our iPods and dig our earth tunes or will they turn them off and exclaim that “thats not music, thats just noise”. i always keep a playlist of my best tunes called “for inter terrestrial ears” so they don’t get the wrong idea… i would be horribly embarrassed if our civilization was judged by me rocking out to fergie or something retarded like that.

if i WERE one of the few humans left on earth the first thing i would do is break into a really tall building, go to the roof and throw things off while drinking post apocalyptic Crystale BY THE FUCKING CASE. i would then most likely find myself an expensive car (like a lambo or a lotus or something) and ghost ride that shit straight off a cliff or a bridge or something.

i think also one of the best parts of living in a collapsed world would be no one would be around to judge the way you look or dress and you could wear whatever the fuck you wanted. i think that i would strike a balance somewhere between mad max and alex from a clockwork orange. a ravaged but regal version of my current style. combat boots with a huge knife sticking out and burberry trench coat to conceal a mud stained wife beater and tattered designer jeans. sweet…

i hope our civilization does live long enough to give birth to sustainable energies, interplanetary travel and find some sort of understanding of the relationship between time and space enough to travel through it but if it doesn’t… whatever. i would like my name in the running for post apocalyptic president for the nuovo-anarchist party. i would ensure a society that would strike a balance of social preservation and needless destruction. we would use the collapsed framework of our world as our canvas and plaything.

so fellow post apoc enthusiasts what would you do? what would you smash? who would you want to be with you?

empty streets, crowded minds

1. grizzly bear – two weeks
2. dirty projectors – stillness is the movie
3. the national – start a war
4. supertramp – give a little bit
5. beastie boys – brass monkey
6. hole – hungry like the wolf (YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!)
7. beats antique – shes looking for something
8. bon iver – blood bank
9. joker – digidesign
10. heart – magic man

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View Ahmadinejad’s Interview and read  entire Article HERE

Ahmadinejad denies Iran nuclear bomb trigger tests

President Ahmadinejad: “They are a fabricated bunch of papers”- courtesy ABC News

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has dismissed as a US forgery a document allegedly showing plans by Tehran to test a nuclear bomb trigger.

In a US TV interview Mr Ahmadinejad said the report in the Times newspaper was “fundamentally not true”.

He said criticism of Iran’s nuclear programme had become “a repetitive and tasteless joke”.

Iran denies claims it wants to build atomic weapons, saying its nuclear programme is for civilian purposes.

The BBC’s Jane O’Brien in Washington says the interview offered a rare opportunity to see an Iranian leader being questioned by the US media.

* * *

1 Peter 3 –

7By the same word the present heavens and earth are reserved for fire, being kept for the day of judgment and destruction of ungodly men.

8But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. 9The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

10But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare.^a

11Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives 12as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming.^b That day will bring about the destruction of the heavens by fire, and the elements will melt in the heat. 13But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, the home of righteousness.

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For all the asshats who insist on defending Belk’s Santa Baby epic Fail I’m posting the lyrics to that song. Please tell me that you are not okay with a CHILD singing this. I’m going to assume that people simply don’t know the lyrics. Otherwise we’re going to have an epidemic of child prostitutes. Oops, we already have that, now don’t we? It’s not okay for a child to sing a whore song. It’s not okay to slather makeup on a three year old and deck her out in a midriff top and call it a beauty pageant. STOP SEXUALIZING CHILDREN. It’s sick enough that we oversexualize adults. For the love of buttercream frosting let the goddamned children be children.

There are plenty of children’s songs that little girl could have sung. Why the hell did they choose one about a kept woman? Just what the hell are they implying and what in the name of Christ’s ten toes is wrong with people that they would defend it. It’s not cute. We set our children up as a smorgasbord for pedophiles then we freak the hell out when they take a bite. Make up your mind, are they children or are they sex objects? Don’t put any more fucknuttery of this nature in my in-box. I’ve ignored this crap as long as I’m going to.

It’s 12/21, and several groups have predicted the latest end of the world apocalypse to be 12/21/12. The Mayans, Hopie Indians, Nostradamus, and scientists have all predicted something terrible to happen on 12/21/12. I just hope its not as bad as Y2K. What a disappointment that was, it was like a big budget movie with amazing coming attractions that just goes nowhere. So lets examine some of the info on the upcoming apocalypse. Most people point to the Mayan calendar ending on 12/21/12 as a warning to us that the world would end. Of course they designed this calendar like 4000 years ago, and I have put a lot of scientific research and study and come up with an amazing hypothesis that people brighter than me need to investigate. My theory you ask, what if the Mayan who designed the original calendar ran out of rocks while designing the calendar when he came to 12/21/12? I mean he had to be using rocks to design a calendar that ran 4000 years, how many rocks could they have? I assume they had to keep some of the rocks to use as weapons to defend themselves. Maybe they used to many rocks to design the calendar, and didn’t keep enough to defend themselves and that is why they became extinct? Something to look into.

Now lets examing Nostradamus. I do not recall what his quantrant says about 2012, and I am sure you can look it up somewhere online, but come on, how many times did this guy predict the end of the world? Yeah, so he did get some things right, but how many things has he missed on? I still do find it pretty interesting that he did supposedly predict Hitler and 9/11, and a lot of other calamities. He had to be a lot of laughs at a party. All that gloom and doom, I am surprised his head didn’t explode from all the stress.

Finally, lets explore the scientific phenomeon that will take place on 12/21/12. Our solar system will be in perfect alignment meaning that our sun will appear exactly in the center of the milky way, an event that happens once every 26,000 years. My question, where did the notes come from from the last time this event took place? Like I have said before, I am not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I am pretty sure they don’t have any written date from 26000 years ago, and last time I checked science was based on fact.

In conclusion, I am kind of curious will the end of the world be a time zone specific event? Will China and Japan be hit first at midnight on 12/21/2012 and will the apocalypse than move West across Asia, Europe, and eventually hit North America? This is something you never hear about, because after all, it will be 12/21/12 a lot earlier in China. If all of this is true, I am just pissed that California will get hit last, it just isn’t fair that they out last us New Yorkers by three hours. I am just so very happy that the creationists and evolutionists can finally agree on something, the shit is going to hit the fan on 12/21/12!

Constellation of the Omens – End of the World Visions

Rating: 3 of 5

Author: Deborah Simpson
Available: Paperback, Kindle

Haunted by visions of the end of the world, author Deborah Simpson’s clairvoyance provides a glimpse into a possible future if the warnings in these visions are not heeded.  Simpson provides the reader with a detailed description of events and signs that portend the end.  Some are incredibly detailed in nature specifying location and date.  But is there any hope?  Can this end be avoided.  Simpson offers up ways in which our doom can be stayed.  These suggestions primarily involve our relationship with one another and with God.

Simpson does not try to convince readers that her visions are in fact real.  She sites no instances of where her a prior visions have come true.  She rather offers them up for what they are – signs of end days.   Therefore, this is not a book for skeptics as they will surely not be convinced of anything and would likely write off these assertions.  The book must therefore be taken on faith much like prophets of the past.  So those who agree with Simpson’s way of thinking will find very chilling tales of what is to come.

Overall it is difficult to rate this book for this reason.  The book itself is well written and cogent.  I imagine readers will polarize on a rating giving the book’s content.  Given I have a healthy dose of skepticism but did resonate with some of the more universal themes occasionally presented, I’m rating it a 3.

A lot of people had been terrified by the movie 2012 ‘cos there were variety of popular beliefs about  year 2012 which is quite questionable for me and among other people. Many had actually claimed they know but eventually they have been proven wrong. I admit I was a bit afraid with the predictions but I’ve figured out in my mind that nobody really knows “THE END”.  I told my mother about year 2012 but she told me not to believe on it cos there’s nothing really significant with that.  They have said that the predictions were based on the Bible and because its the end of the ancient Mayan Calendar but the Bible also says that

“ But as for that day and hour “no one knows it” – not even the angels in heaven – except the Father alone.” (Matthew 24:36),

so how could the predictions support these line? One thing I wanna ask you readers, can you still remember the Y2K fears? Were you among those people who had been afraid with that too?

There’s only one thing we should put in ourselves and that is  God. He wants us to love HIM . Let’s just be “READY” because the Bible says:

“Therefore stay alert, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have been alert and would not have let his house be broken into. Therefore you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him. (Mathew 24:42)

2012 is just another day, another blessing from God. If  the prediction happens, then let’s accept it, but if not, let’s continue being a good servant of God. Think about that guys and advance Merry Christmas…

[Joel Pett]

SOUNDTRACK: BLACK SABBATH-Sabotage (1975).

Sabotage seems to be somewhat forgotten (maybe because of the creepy cover art 0f Ozzy in a kimono and fascinating platform shoes, Bill Ward in red tights with a codpiece (and visible underwear on the back cover), and Geezer and Tony’s mustaches).
But this album rocks pretty hard and heavy.
“Hole in the Sky” is a sort of spastic rocker with Ozzy screaming vocals over the top of the rocking track.
“Don’t Start (Too Late)” is the by now obligatory acoustic guitar piece.  But this one is different, for it has some really wild and unpredictable aspects to it.

“Symptom of the Universe” is another classic Sabbath track, a blistering heavy fast riff with the wonderful Ozzy-screamed: “Yeaaaaaahs!”  It then surprises you by going into an extended acoustic guitar workout for a minute and a half at the end.

“Megalomania” is a slow ponderous piece. Unlike the psychedelic tracks from the previous records, this one moves along with a solid back beat. It also has a great bridge (“Why doesn’t everybody leave me alone?”). They definitely had fun with the effects (echoing vocals, etc.) on this one.  And, like their prog rock forebears, this song segues into another rhythm altogether when we get the wonderfully fast rock segment.  And the humorous point where the music pauses and Ozzy shouts “Suck me!”

“Thrill of it All” is a pretty good rocker, which after a  pretty simple opening morphs into a slow, surprisingly keyboard-fueled insanely catchy coda.  “Supertzar” is a wonderfully creepy instrumental.  It runs 3 minutes and is all minor-keys and creepy Exorcist-like choirs.  When the song breaks and the bizzaro Iommi riff is joined by the choir, you can’t help but wonder why no horror film has used this as its intro music.

“Am I Going Insane (Radio)” is a very catchy keyboardy track.  It clearly has crossover potential (although the lyrics are wonderfully bizarre).  But it ends with totally creepy laughing and then wailing.    “The Writ” ends the album. It’s another solid rocker and it ends with an acoustic coda with Ozzy’s plaintive vocals riding over the top.

Sabotage has some truly excellent moments.  It’s just hard to fathom the amount of prog-rock tendencies they’ve been throwing onto their last few discs (we’ll say Rick Wakeman had something to do with it).

Black Sabbath made two more albums before Ozzy left.  I haven’t listened to either one of them in probably fifteen years.  And my recollection of them is that they’re both pretty lousy.  Maybe one of these days I’ll see if they prove me wrong.

[READ: December 16, 2009] McSweeney’s #7

This was the first McSweeney’s edition that I didn’t buy new.  My subscription ran out after Issue #6 and I never saw #7  in the stores.  So, I recently had to resort to a used copy.

This issue came packaged with a cardboard cover, wrapped with a large elastic band.

Inside you get several small volumes each with its own story (this style hearkens back to McSweeney’s #4, but the presentation is quite different).  7 of the 9 booklets feature an artistic cover that relates to the story but is done by another artist (not sure if they were done FOR the story or not).  I have scanned all of the covers.  You can click on each one to see a larger picture.

The booklets range from 16 to 100 pages, but most are around 30 pages.  They are almost all fiction, except for the excerpt from William T. Vollman’s 3,500 page Rising Up and Rising Down and the essays that accompany the Allan Seager short story.

KEVIN BROCKMEIER-”The Ceiling” [cover by Eric White]
The basic plot of this story is quite simple: a large black square appears in the sky one day.  Slowly it sinks towards the earth, growing larger and larger.  Despite the somewhat Stephen King-like nature of the premise, the story is really all about how people live their lives: specifically, how one man’s family acts during this crisis.  I enjoyed the story quite a bit.

However, I was confused by the beginning.  The opening scene is at the son’s  birthday party.  There’s a lot of detail given, but it doesn’t seem to have much to do with the rest of the story.  It begins with the son telling a fictional tale about himself in a hot air balloon with the father noting, on a separate line: “This is a story.”

It seemed like this was all a set up for something special.  And I’m just not sure how that ties together with the rest of the story.  But I’m not too worried about it as I enjoyed the piece as a whole.

ANN CUMMINS-”Red Ant House” [cover by Tim Bower]
I really enjoyed Cummins’ story in McSweeney’s #6, so I was excited to read this one.  The red ant house is a house down the block that is infested with red ants.  A new family moves into the house and the daughter of that family immediately latches on to the narrator of the story, Leigh.  Leigh is one of 6 kids whose mother is pregnant again.

The new girl, Theresa Mooney, lives with a man who is not her father and a woman who is her mother.  The man seems to have families all over the place.  None of this is good news for Theresa Mooney, especially when Leigh and her siblings decide to point it out to her.  Despite her best intentions however, Leigh and Theresa become friendly, and their bonding is complete when they dare each other to do something risky.

This story didn’t blow me away as much as the previous one, but there was something oddly affecting about it.

A.M. HOMES-”Do Not Disturb” [cover by Melinda Beck]
This is a very prickly story.  It can easily be summed up by the exchange: “You knew I was a bitch before you married me, say something original.”  In the story, a man and his wife are quite obviously falling apart (as individuals and as a couple).  Before the evening’s events, the couple had yet another huge fight.  And he thinks, yet again, of leaving her.  But that night, during dinner, she becomes gravely ill.

Since she is a doctor, she is reluctant to go to the ER, but after several hours of agony, she relents.  She is diagnosed with cancer.  But this diagnosis, rather than softening her, as everyone suspects, just makes her more prickly, more demanding, even less compassionate.  But he can’t leave a cancer-riddled wife can he?  Even if she pushes him out?  This was a very dark story, but it was very powerful.  And, as with all of A.M. Homes work that I’ve read, it was very good.

MICHAEL CHABON-”The Return of the Amazing Cavalieri” [front & back covers by Chris Ware]
I loved The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay when I read it a few years ago.  I was delighted to discover that this story (the cover art suggests it is an “Un-Told Tale of Kavalier and Clay”) was included here.  Sadly for me, I don’t remember too many details of the novel (it was like ten years ago, right?).  Happily for me, they are not relevant to this story.

This piece concerns Cavalieri himself.  He is walking to school with his nephew and the fear and dread he had during grammar school is rushing back at him.  Cavalieri’s nephew has promised his class that The Amazing Kavalier will perform some magic tricks (maybe even escape from a safe!) for Sharing Time.  Cavalieri susses up the class and decides that they are at the perfect age to be simply skeptical.  He grows more nervous as Sharing Time approaches.

He proceeds to perform his simple tricks, but when he suspects that the kids are not all that impressed, he attempts one grand feat.  I enjoyed this story immensely and it makes me want to re-read Kavalier and Clay (or at the very least Maps & Legends, which is sitting on my bedside right now).

The cover art by Chris Ware is, of course, fantastic.  The front cover is designed to look just like a comic book.  And the back cover is even more fun (in a sick and twisted way) as an ad for how much your life will suck if you have a baby.

HEIDI JULAVITS-”Little Little Big Man” [cover by Elizabeth Kairys]
This is, frankly, a bizarre story.  It involves a tiny man named Big who works for a rodeo.  And beyond that the story is full of what I can’t decide is fantasy, magical realism or just hallucinations.

Big becomes involved with a large woman who carries him over her shoulder (his face getting caught in her skirt ruffles as it bumps against her behind).  This part was very funny.

They become serious and settle down.  He grows unhappy and winds up spending a lot of his time climbing into her uterus to read the graffiti that her six children have written in there.

[Pause for people to digest that sentence].

So I’m not sure what to make of details like that.  There are questions of impotence, unfaithfulness and pseudo-bestiality.  And while I understand what happened plot-wise, arriving there was a very bizarre path.

J.T. LEROY-”Harold’s End” [cover by Sharon Leong]
Of course, now we know that J.T. Leroy is a fraud or a pseudonym depending on your opinion of the author’s stunt.  It makes it hard to read this for the first time without having the author’s reality impinging on the story.  I’m not sure if I would have been quite as cynical about the story if I didn’t know what I know about Leroy.  But I an inclined to think that I would have been at least suspicious of the details of the story anyhow.

The basic premise here is that a man approaches a group of kids on the street.  They are suspicious of him (is he a cop, a social worker, a john?), but when they see he is handing out free needles, they relent.  He singles out one boy and invites him back to his house, where they shoot heroin and hang out for an extended period of time.  A single event (that I will get to in a moment) happens which causes friction between them and the boy is asked to leave.

I was immediately suspicious of the story because the kids seem completely unreal.  I’m not even sure how old they are supposed to be.  They hang out on the curb but it’s unclear if they are trying to score drugs, if they are trying to score dates or what.  The only thing we know is that they all have pets (a rat, a pit bull and a boa constrictor)  hanging out with them.  And, the kids tell the man that all of their pets have pedigrees (in far more exacting detail than one might expect a kid to know).  The title of the story comes because the boy who the man brings home did not have a pet.  Along with the heroin, the man gives the boy a snail named Harold as a pet that he can take care of himself.

So, despite the fact that the man is in the role of chickenhawk for this young boy, nothing sexual ever happens between them, except for the event that causes the friction (which is wholly unexpected and really rather disgusting).  But it’s not even entirely apparent afterward why the man is upset (because it didn’t work? was he just embarrassed?).  The whole scene from start to finish seemed unbelievable.  Finally, as the story ends, we see the boy is too squeamish to clean out the snail’s poop, yet moments later he willingly dives into a dumpster (not to mention the disgusting scene above).  It just doesn’t add up.

The whole story rang false to me.  Maybe it was meant to be over the top; maybe it was meant to be surreally funny.  Maybe it was a hyperreal or fantasy look at kids on the street.  But I don’t think so.  It was just creepy.

COURTNEY ELDRIDGE-”The Former World Record Holder Settles Down” [cover by Katherine Streeter]
This is one of the longest stories that McSweeney’s has published.  It’s 75 pages.  And, what is so great about it is that it never feels like a long story.  And what’s even better is that the story goes through many twists and turns to end up in a sad but interesting place.

I loved the fact that the story begins by talking about the narrators’ husband.  And he is a bowling dork.  He loves bowling, he bowls all the time, and he has even gotten the narrator–a hipster New York woman who only thought of bowling ironically–to enjoy bowling.  As well as other sports, too.  He gets her to watch and enjoy baseball (and she develops a mad crush on Don Zimmer (!)).

But back to bowling.  Her husband, Joel, gets very mad at himself if he doesn’t bowl well.  And his mood stays dark for quite some time.

But.  He’s not the titular record holder.  The world record of the title comes as a complete shock (and I won’t reveal it).  But once we learn of the record, everything in the story changes (except they still love bowling).

As the story progresses, we learn more and more about the narrator and how much her father’s disappearance had affected her.  And how much she hates to talk about her past.  And how much she loves her husband for not pushing things about her past.  Until he does.  And then things comes to a head.

There’s so much going on in this story, and it all starts so simply as a bowling tale.   It was a great, great story.

WILLIAM T. VOLLMAN-”The Old Man:  A Case Study from Rising Up and Rising Down“
This is a 100-page excerpt from Vollman’s 3,500 page study of violence called Rising Up and Rising Down (which I will never read).  This excerpt is a case study, written in 1995 and concerns Muslim terrorists in Thailand.

The excerpt reads like a real-life version of Apocalypse Now.  Vollman is in Thailand trying to get an interview with The Old Man, the reputed head of PULO, the Pattani Unification Liberation Organization.  Vollman interviews (with his faithful translator D.) citizens of Thailand and Malaysia as well as political figures and former members of PULO.

The main problem I have with the excerpt is that the context is left out.  We never learn who D. is or how he met her.  And, we have no context for WHY he wants to do this.  He spends days and days negotiating with bureaucrats, thugs and taxi drivers only to ultimately end up right where he started from.  Is it all in aid of this book?  I’m not entirely sure.  I’m sure that the full text covers this, so it’s not really a compliant.  I just wish I had a little context  for this daunting piece.

As for the piece itself although it is a look at only one instance of violence, it is still fascinating to hear people involved in this organization (the quotes are direct in broken English, lending credence to the authenticity).  And it is fascinating to see the kind of security that this man, the head of a terrorist organization, has and yet doesn’t have (and the difficult in actually finding the man).  And to hear how much is hidden in plain sight about members of the organization is rather surprising.

No answers are forthcoming about the why’s of terrorism (maybe they are answered in the big book).  But Vollman is a dogged investigator and an excellent writer.  And although I don’t want to say I enjoyed the excerpt, I’m glad I read it.  (But I’m still not going to read the 3,500 page version).

ALLAN SEAGER-”This Town and Salamanca”
Seager is a once-revered writer whose work has largely gone out of print.  This booklet contains this short story as well as some commentary from others.  The three nonfiction essays attached add a lot of backstory, and certainly allow the reader to learn a lot more about his work and about Seager himself.

I didn’t think I would enjoy the story all that much.  They way it opened, I feared it was going to be a travelogue.  But as it progressed I found it really enjoyable and surprisingly deep.  The premise is that in his youth, John was a world traveler.  He built a boat and sailed to Cuba.  He joined the army to learn how to fly, and then he left the army and then he rejoined the army once again.  He learned to fence in Italy and France.  And then he returned from Salamanca to settle down in “this town.”

The story is really about the other residents of the town and how they more or less hung their hopes and dreams on his journeys, since none of them would ever leave the town.  They relish his stories when he returns and ask for as many details as they can get.  And his details are juicy and quite delightful.

But when he settles down in his home town, everyone is a little disappointed that their wanderer has stopped wandering.  It is a simple no-frills story, and was quite effective.

JOHN WARNER-”Allan Seager: An Introduction”
Warner provides a brief sketch of Seager’s life: his rise to fame as a short story writer (and the numerous places that have published his work: Esquire, The New Yorker, Playboy) and his eventual loss of recognition.  He also fills in details about his personal life (and health).

JOAN FRY-”Colorless in Limestone Caverns: a remembrance”
As a student, Fry set out to seduce Seager.  She was ultimately successful.  But their relationship proved to be a terrible hindrance to her creative writing (although she wound up being the impetus for one of Seager’s own stories).  She spent much of their time together trying to get away.  I actually found this true story to be slightly more compelling than Seager’s short story itself.

STEVEN CONNELLY-”Man is Born For Sorrow as the Sparks Fly Upwards: a remembrance”
Connelly was a student of Seager’s.  His essay here describes how autobiographical “This Town and Salamanca” is.  Seager also traveled the world and then settled down in his home town to write.  It also describes him as a wonderful teacher, who knew as much about James Joyce as anyone.  Seager was inspirational for Connelly as well as many other students.

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McSweeney’s #7 is another great collection of stories.  It was absolutely worth tracking it down.

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