gosh. how obvious was my enneagram type.
today i went to my TCM doctor.
(who is very good and alongside TCM holds a degree in biochemistry)
i told her I broke into hysteria and cried in office toilet for 15 minutes

when the restaurant people got my order wrong

she said ” maybe you should look into enneagram”
me “(pause) i am a buff”
” oh, you are not one of those… fours aren’t you?”
obviously i am.
i am THE STUDENT my teacher points to when he demonstrates to beginners: “want to see what a four is like? just look at pui- yin”
my doctor went
” gosh i am always scared of you fours. see, I am an eight. I think I will never understand what is going on in your head. I sort of become more accepting since I started learning enneagram, but nope.. i will never really understand you. I am like the chariot and you are like the delicate flower…”

funny incident.
I do not have much eights in my life (usually they do not get along)
Kitty cannot stop feeling annoyed by my histrionic sentiments
but Janice loves my quixotic vibes and watch me like a living drama.
oww i miss Janice.

One of the biggest benefits I reaped from the REAL program was the acknowledgement of “small successes.” The idea is relatively simple and probably nothing you’ve not heard before, but the phrasing was such that this time it sank in. Or, I suppose I was ready to hear it.

Small successes were not explicitly defined during the workshop, but what I gathered from the stories and conversations about them, a small success is any moment or event in your life during which you feel wholly whole (or centered, calm, joyful, in the flow; you get the idea. . .).

The purpose of identifying small successes was primarily so we could incorporate them into our individual compasses (a concept I hope to revisit with ya’ll at some point). It was also (this is likely the part that may sound familiar) to shift one’s focus from problems or conditions to what is right with life.

See, not so unique of a concept, huh? Yet I have embraced it and each day find myself saying outloud, “A small success!” This has a whole slew of positive effects on my life. Recognizing small successes removes pressure to always do and become more, more, more. It eases doubt and worry. It can be reassuring in the sense that I am usually able to note some progress and growth, no matter how minute. It can also make big scary deals seem littler.


For example, today I met with my therapist, Joan, for the first time in over a year. We have begun working on some of the deeper, thornier issues in my life—things that for the most part I have gotten very good at compartmentalizing and ignoring.

Although our meeting went well and I have been taking good care of myself since, it can be overwhelming to think back to the topics we covered, to consider where I am and where I’ll end up. But you see, rather than struggle with overwhelm, I can choose to consider the small successes.

I took myself to see Joan in the first place. Small success! I took a walk and sat cross legged in a field facing Mount Shasta for an hour after our session, therefore taking another step towards my own healing. Another small success. For a trickier situation to assess: I bought myself a big mug of hot cocoa and a hunk of pumpkin pecan streusel bread. Although this may appear to be an unhealthy choice, I still vote “small success” because I gave myself a little gift of comfort food (yes, and sugar).

In the Enneagram book most recently gifted to me from Carl and Kathy, there is a description of Twos at a healthy level that says, “Healthy Twos let go of the belief that they are not allowed to care for themselves. Thus they can own their feelings and needs and are free to love others without expectations.”

I would say the three examples of today’s small successes that I gave you would put me (for a moment, however brief) into the category of Healthy Twos. And you know what that means. . . another small success. May the trend continue.

Paris has been good to me recently. Yesterday I drank absinthe with mon père at a cafe near the Louvre, having spent the day at Les Invalides gazing at Gatling guns and Napoleon’s tomb. I spent Friday at the Musée d’Orsay scoping out art and people. There were a few girls who looked like they’d just been photographed for the Sartorialist and who caught me staring shamelessly at their various structured wool blazers, vintage jewelry, perfectly tousled bedhead hair, just-so rolled-cuff jeans, and ideal boots. I did manage to avert my calculating eyes enough to see some of James Ensor, however, and to take note of some things I found interesting.

:: He described light as the opposite of line, and line as the enemy of genius.

:: He takes a lot of credit for being the first artist to understand light’s distortive effect on a line, and uses this claim to distance himself from the Impressionist movement.

:: He was an atheist, despite his huge number of Christ-focused works – apparently he only painted Christ because he identified with him as an outcast. (For anyone who knows the Enneagram – what a 4.)

:: He became a member of Les XX, or The Twenty (a group of 20 Belgian artists formed in 1883) after the group of which he was previously a member, L’Essor, rejected his painting The Oyster Eater.

James Ensor, The Oyster Eater, 1882

My favorite fact of all!!

:: He called himself James (art) Ensor because in French the sound of the words art + Ensor = the sound of the words hareng saur, “smoked herring.” How delightful. The two skeletons below are I think supposed to be critics, who didn’t like him so much.

James Ensor, Skeletons Fighting for a Smoked Herring, 1891

James Smoked Herring on color:

“Drenched in British purples, I have offered up my tones: pigeon breast, hind belly, balky mule lung, monkey bottom pink, lapis lazuli and malachite, excited nymph thigh, panther pee-pee, high-smelling hen hair, hedgehog in aspic, barrel-maker’s brothel, revered rose, monkeybush, turkey-like white, sly violet, page’s slipper, immaculate nun spring, unspeakable red, Ensor azure, affected yellow, mummy skull, rock-hard gray, brunt celadon, shop soiled smoke ring.”

James Ensor, The Terrified Musicians, date unknown

And finally, here’s a song by Florence & the Machine, remixed by the band The XX, who I figger must have taken their name from the group of artists. Clever.

Florence & the Machine – You’ve Got the Love (XX remix)

Last night I came back from my last and favourite (not cause and effect) death and dying class.

This class has not lessened my anxiety over death per se, but it has certainly made me aware of the death experience.

Our last lecture dealt with death and the individual.

According to the Enneagram, all people can fall under 1 of 9 personality types.

Based on these personality types, your view of death can be predicted.

I was shocked to discover how accurately the enneagram determined my personality and view on death.

So here is what you do:

PART 1:

A. Get a pencil and a piece of paper

B. Rate the following statements on a scale of 1 to 7. 7 being most applicable to you, and 1 being the least applicable to you. Keep the order of the statements the same on your sheet as it is indicated below! I.e. There are a total of 27 statements, do not number them 1-27, you should have three sets of 9 statements, each set numbered 1-9.

I feel motivated by the  need to…

1. Live life the right way, improve myself and others, and avoid anger

2. Be loved and appreciated, and to express my positive feelings toward others.

3. Be productive, to achieve success, and to avoid failure.

4. Understand my feelings and to be understood, to search for the meaning of life and to avoid being ordinary.

5. Know everything and understand the universe, to be self-sufficient and left alone, and to avoid not having the answer or looking foolish.

6. Feel secure and taken care of, or to confront my fears.

7. Be happy and plan fun things, to contribute to the world, and to avoid suffering and pain.

8. Be self-reliant and strong, to make an impact on the world, and to avoid being weak.

9. Keep the peace, merge with others, and avoid conflict.

I think that I…

1. See anger as a character flaw and try to repress it.

2. Am interested in people, play the role of nurturer, and try to present a loving image.

3. Try to be seen in a good light, according to socially agreed upon terms.

4. Have a strong need to express myself and be seen as original.

5. Rely on my own resources and find safety in knowledge and/or withdrawing.

6. Try to control my fear by being alert and either seeking approval from, or rebelling against, authority figures.

7. Am active and optimistic, and I avoid unpleasant emotions, including fear.

8. Am powerful and am not afraid to express my anger.

9. Am accommodating and often out of touch with my anger.

My worldview can be characterized as…

1. The world is an imperfect place. I work toward improvement

2. People depend on my help. I am needed.

3. The world values a champion. Avoid failures at all costs.

4. Something is missing. Others have it. I have been abandoned.

5. The world is invasive. I need privacy to think and to refuel my energies.

6. The world is a threatening place. Question authority.

7. The world is full of opportunity and options. I look foward to the future.

8. The world is an unjust place. I defend the innocent.

9. My efforts won’t matter. Don’t make waves. Keep the peace.

Part 2:

A. Add up all your scores for all your “1.” statements, and all your “2.” statements, and so on. You should end up with 9 totals.

B. Look at your top three scores, read over the corresponding sets of statements (i.e. If your highest score was for 5. statements then read over the 5. statements) and decide which set is “closest” or most reflective of yourself.

C. Write down the set you are. This is your type number.

Part 3:

How do you view death?

Your results.

Type 1: The Perfectionist

Basic Desire: To be right

Basic Fear: To be condemned

Never? Let their spouse wear a sweatsuit to a highschool reunion.

Conceptualize death as a mistake.

Strengths:

- Always on top of things

Weaknesses:

- Lack of consideration for others

Type 2: The Helper

Basic Desire: To be loved

Basic Fear: To be unloved.

Never? Show up at a potluck empty handed.

Conceptualize death as a need.

Strengths:

- like being helpful, good at being helpful

Weaknesses:

- neglect themselves

- always seek acknowledgment of their helpfulness, guilt-trippers

Type 3: The Performer/Achiever

Basic Desire: To succeed

Basic Fear: To fail

Never? Feel good about any place but first.

Conceptualize death as a failure.

Strengths:

- hard workers

Weaknesses:

- have a hard time dealing with failure

- prioritize work above all else

Type 4: The Romantic

Basic Desire: To understand the self

Basic Fear: Being defective

Never? Spend 1 minute searching for a date outfit.

Conceptualize death as abandonment.

Strengths:

- empathetic

- specialize in emotionality

Weaknesses:

- at risk of being overwhelmed by negativity

- self-destructive, sense of hopelessness

Type 5: The Thinker/Observer

Basic Desire: To understand the world

Basic Fear: Being overwhelmed by the world

Never? Invite over a relative they’ve never met.

Conceptualize death as a mystery.

Strengths:

- emotionally stable

- voice of reason

Weaknesses:

- find it difficult to deal with emotions, and often disconnect themselves from their own emotions

- aloof and unempathetic

Type 6: The Questioner/Loyalist (Split)

Split: They are either the Piglets of the world (Oh my, oh my!) or the “Silence, I will kill you” type

Basic Desire: To be secure.

Basic Fear: Being abandoned.

Never? Remain optimistically calm about a spouse who is 3 hours late from sky-diving.

Conceptualize death as betrayal.

Strengths:

- cautious and fiercely loyal

Weaknesses:

- anxiety over safety of themselves and others

- paranoia

Type 7: The Enthusiast/Adventurer

(A surprising number of 7s in our Death and Dying class)

Basic Desire: To be happy

Basic Fear: To be deprived

Never? Choose cleaning the garage over bungee-jumping. (Only the 1s would)

Conceptualize death as no fun.

Strengths:

- optimistic, no regrets

- their cheer is contagious for those around them

Weaknesses:

- impatient with others’ suffering and grief

Always strikes to me funny that 7s are the only people with the basic desire of being happy while all other types are preoccupied with other things.

Type 8: The Leader/Asserter

Basic Desire: Being self-reliant

Basic Fear: Submission

Never? Wait in line patiently while the cashier chats to a customer.

(These are the Arnold Schwarzeneggers of the world, the kind that would say to satan: “Compared to me, you are choir boy.”)

Conceptualize death as an opponent.

Strengths:

- take charge when others are unable to

Weaknesses:

- Do not deal with emotions because emotions are a sign of weakness

- Likely to turn grief/sadness into anger

Type 9: The Peacekeeper

Basic Desire: To keep union and peace.

Basic Fear: Separation

Never? Refuse a soak in the bath tub. Zen.

Conceptualize death as disharmony.

Strengths:

- resolve conflicts, mediators in arguments

- perceived to be good listeners

Weaknesses:

- strong emotions and a desire for peace are conflicting

- often try to disconnect themselves from emotions

- negative feelings will often show up in the form of physical symptoms.

WOOT. Finally done. Took me two hours. Bloody hell.

So, what type are you?

Make sure you leave it in the comments below!

]]> http://uncorectitude.wordpress.com/2009/11/26/consider-the-source/ Thu, 26 Nov 2009 05:27:10 +0000 sharifmubarrak http://uncorectitude.wordpress.com/2009/11/26/consider-the-source/

We all do it. There is a knock at the door. You open the door to find an unkempt eighteen year old with a baseball cap worn backwards and three silver rings in his nose. He looks at you sideways, watching the street, and says, “Yo, Mr. Mabaker, you won big in the lottery, dude.” Chances are, unless you have multiple piercings yourself, you are not inclined to believe him. Wait till the official letter comes, you say.

But if you find on your doorstep a professional looking twenty five year old wearing an Italian suit and carrying a briefcase, and he hands you his card and says, “Mr. Sharif Mubakkar? I am Andras Kettering, with the Lottery Commission. I have some good news for you. May I come in?” Ah, THEN you will start trying to remember where you put those brochures for the Caribbean cruise.

What if the messenger on your doorstep is a bald guy with a fierce moustache and a heavy accent?

However even-handed we may try to be, it is true that presentation makes a difference, that the truth from the wrong lips will be received as falsehood and vice versa. I do not like it, of course. When Lynda told me an astonishing thing she had heard from her mother – the same thing I had been trying in vain to tell her for months – it bothered me. Was it less true when I said it? No – but my voice was at the wrong pitch to be heard. Surely this should not be. A truth is a truth, whether we hear it from a professor or a panhandler, whether we read it in the New England Journal of Medicine or the National Enquirer.

But I have to admit – I do it too. I will believe things that would usually have me sneering and jeering in disbelief – if I am told them by a fellow 5. I may still test them – I constantly test even things I know from personal experience. But I am much less likely to hoot incredulously.

This comes up because I want, I need to talk in these mini-lectures about the Enneagram. That should be easy – a robust system of personality classification that is in use in some segments of the psychological community, that has a growing body of sound research behind it and that has any number of very practical real life applications – not easily rejected, you might think.

But the problem is the source. The problem is Gurdjieff. That is George Ivanovich Gurdjieff, it says on his card, with the Institute for the Harmonious Development of Man. If, having read his card and gazed upon his physiognomy, you are predisposed to believe what he says, fine. We can proceed. But neither his credentials nor his character would incline me toward a less probing Skepticism.

Whatever the source of the Enneagram before Gurdjieff may have been, it is no more accessible to us than the week before the Big Bang. Yes, Gurdjieff tells us some things about where he found the Enneagram and what it was doing there and how he got hold of it. But – well, let me say only that Gurdjieff was no 5, and I do not find anything he says about the Enneagram’s sources all that convincing.

Of course, many people did. Mubakkar’s Law applies: every statement incredible to a 5, and derived from a non-5 source, will accumulate a body of believers drawn from other types that will outnumber the skeptical 5s. Gurdjieff had a large number of followers, some of whom took on the Enneagram and developed it beyond Gurdjieff’s version. Some of these moved in the direction of scientific credibility, and refined the system to where it was when I found it and found it useful. [Disclaimer – I am not an early adopter or any kind of adopter at all. I did not find it. In point of fact, Lulu found it, I looked over her shoulder and was positively impressed, eventually getting in on the act.]

Others, however, stayed outside the boundaries of credibility, kicking the Enneagram soccer ball around the field of New Age paradigms. Some are further out in left field [I know, it is a metaphor from a different game, so sue me] than others. A few are really very close to the practitioners playing in the scientific school yard; if you added a few concepts and subtracted a few pieces of terminology they could pass.

But I am afraid that if I say, “You need to take the Enneagram seriously”, you will take a long look at Gurdjieff, check out some of his more way out successors, and wind up ignoring everything that I and the scientific Enneagram proponents have to say.

That would be a shame. There is a folk tale well known in parts of Africa. God decided that people should not have to die, so he sent a messenger to tell them to live indefinitely. But the hyena, who saw that a dearth of corpses would be bad for business, rushed off and told the human race, “God says you are to die and stay dead.” The people believed the hyena because he arrived first and delivered his message with authority. They did not even listen to the real message. So because of the wrong choice of messenger, we are all doomed to die and feed the hyenas.

Well, so some of you will not listen. I could get some of you to listen if I could speak with the authority of my brother Abdurrahman. I could get some others of you to listen if I could speak as persuasively as my sister Leila. Still others would be convinced if I could speak as forcefully as my colleague Gary Farquhar. But I cannot walk their walk nor talk their talk. I gotta be me.

Well, 5s and 4s will probably listen, and experience shows that some others can hear, though for some the volume is low and there is a lot of static when I talk. And just maybe some of you will consider the source in the scientific community, and not get tripped by Gurdjieff.

So I will do it. I will, as we go, run you through the major thoroughfares and some of the alleys of the Enneagram. Believe it or not.

I’m still working on this, trying to decide my instinctual type.  After a conversation on the phone with Peter, they urged me to call myself sx/so instead of sx/sp.  It was because he likes to use sexual symbolism, and I don’t, and I find sexual symbolism to be annoying and irritating.  I only do it if I feel pressured to do it, to please the other person, but it’s not natural to me.  The sx/sp is supposedly one that enjoys, or tends to use, sexual symbols.  The particular symbol was ’sucking on a lollipop.’  I get impatient with using symbols to refer to sexual acts.

I also remember having a lot of forced-hypnosis nightmares where they use symbols to refer to sexual acts, and then they force me awake, and then they remind me about the dream while I’m lying there half-awake, to explain to me that symbols were used in the dream, and to explain what the symbols meant, and then they force me to feel angry about it, even though I am physically incapable of feeling angry on my own, because I’m in a half-asleep hypnotized state where I can’t question anything or defend myself.

I watched Twilight – New Moon, without having read any of the books, and without seeing the first movie either.  I decided Bella is sx/sp.  She’s interested in bonding with ONE person, and she strongly values feeling part of a family.  Themes of family bonds are in that movie.

She also has the ‘extreme sports’ behavior that they said will happen with sx/sp.  It’s not limited to just that type, though, because I loved skiing and if I had infinite money, I’d do more sports (although my old bones might be developing osteoporosis, because of a variety of factors, such as the drug contamination, which are bad for my health).

Another theme was ‘my lover will physically protect me.’  I can understand that, but it wasn’t a big issue for me.  I don’t really like ‘big muscles’ type guys and I never really fantasized much about being rescued or protected by the guy.  Instead, I am more focused on whether the guy respects my intelligence, my competence, my knowledge, my decision-making (social respect) because most of the time in my life I feel as though nobody takes me seriously (Nicole couldn’t possibly know anything about medicine – she’s not a doctor – I’ll only listen to the doctor’s advice and I’ll dismiss everything that Nicole says I should/shouldn’t be doing.  She has these crazy, delusional ideas that she got off the internet.).  It’s more important to me that the guy sees me as somebody socially respected – not socially inferior – not somebody to dismiss and ignore all of my radical ideas and things I found on the internet.  ‘Take me seriously’ is the issue, instead of ‘protect me from physical danger.’

For the sx/so, my feeling is more like, ‘All of society needs to be drastically changed.’  To solve every problem, no matter how trivial, you have to ***CHANGE THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!!!***  This is like reading Ayn Rand’s objectivist books, or like the feminist belief system, or environmentalism.  Radical ideas, with ‘-ism’ at the end, are what sx/so’s are interested in.

Here, in my mid-thirties, when I want to start a family, and I want to avoid getting a divorce, and I want to have children before I lose the opportunity forever – I now have to teach myself to accept family values, when this didn’t come naturally to me.  Family values – marry one person, and only one person, and stay with them forever – trust that person not to beat you up and abuse you, not to trap you financially and make you dependent, not to be boring and unattractive and sexually unsatisfying – I have to think about all of those things.  I am asking questions about polyfidelity – can it be possible, or desirable, to be bonded for a long time with more than one person?  Is there a real need to do that, or does it mean that your relationship has something wrong with it, something missing, which you are trying to find someplace else?  Why would my husband ‘pay me to stay home’ if I were having sexual relationships with more than one person?  What is he paying for, if not monogamy?  Why would one person have to pay, and another person doesn’t?  Because that’s what you’re doing, when you marry someone and make her a housewife.  She’s receiving food and shelter, which is money in the form of barter.

(With farming, the work is done at home, and so I agree with the Amish that the farm lifestyle is ideal for families.  The husband doesn’t go away – he stays home to do his work.  The children can be with their father and their mother both, all day long, while the farm work is done.  Children are legally allowed to work on the farm, whereas the child labor laws forbid them to work anyplace else (solution… you guessed it, ‘change society,’ change the rules, it shouldn’t be illegal for children to work).)

And the person also has to be willing to ‘pay me to stay home.’  Because it’s usually illegal or socially unacceptable or just a rule in a particular corporation, we’re not allowed to carry our infant babies to work and breastfeed them in the workplace while we do our job.  (To fix this problem, we have to ***CHANGE ALL OF SOCIETY!!!***)  It shouldn’t be illegal, against company policy, or socially unacceptable to bring your baby to work and breastfeed it in the workplace.  This type of belief is more like an sx/so, because it’s focused on problems with the social system, with the large-scale social environment.  I’m just trying to pinpoint which type I am and I haven’t yet gone on a forum and asked other people for their opinions.

So anyhow, as I’ve been trying to figure out my instinctual type, I decided that the ‘change society’ attitude probably means I’m an sx/so.
I haven’t talked much about this for a while, but ‘they’ have encouraged me to create a new religion, and I accepted this as something I would agree to do.  It can’t be done instantly, and it is more like a life mission, something that will take a long time.  My religion REQUIRES breastfeeding, and to not breastfeed is against the religion.  It is an explicit rule.  You must find a wet nurse if for any reason you cannot breastfeed.  So I have to plan a way that I will be able to do this, and either work on the farm, or get paid to stay home, or break rules, or find a corporation that will allow me to literally carry my baby around with me all day.  This is something I have to plan out before I can marry someone – he has to agree to it.

I just keep thinking, I wouldn’t want to do that if I were a man.  I’ve read Warren Farrell.  Because of that, I try to see things from the man’s point of view.  He becomes a slave, especially if he hates his job.  I can understand how it feels to hate your job, because I’ve never really loved any job that I ever worked at, except I sincerely enjoy McDonald’s, especially College Avenue during a football game, when it’s total insanity that goes on for hours and hours.  Working at College Avenue McDonald’s during a football game weekend is an extreme sport.

And I bonded with the people there and I don’t want to leave them.  Not only that, but on the last night when I expected to work there, my own store asked me to stay instead of going to College Avenue, so I unexpectedly didn’t get to go to College Avenue, so I didn’t say goodbye to anybody, and I just didn’t show up.  That sucked.  So then I went there a few days ago to pick up some Angus buns for our store because we ran out of them, and I had to see the people again, the familiar faces, and I saw grief and pain and sadness.  I don’t want to separate from these people.  They liked me and I liked them.

But football season is over and I have no excuse to go work at that store.  I would have to deliberately ask for a special arrangement to just go work there for the heck of it, or transfer there and disconnect from all  the people I’ve bonded with at my OWN store, which I also don’t want to do.  To ‘Have it all,’ to stay connected with all the people I know at all the different McDonald’s, would mean that I would have to work at the Nittany Mall, North Atherton, Hills, and College Avenue, because they are scattered to all of those places.

But anyway, about being a financial slave, paying your wife to stay home and watch soap operas – I know about that because of Warren Farrell.  So in order to avoid a bad marriage, I need to plan out what kind of arrangement my husband would be willing, and happy, to do.  I would like to earn money somehow myself while being married, so it would have to be a home business, or whatever.

I don’t have time now to get into it, because I’m on the library computer and I’m running out of time.  I drank coffee a while ago, and haven’t eaten, and I know from past experience that if I do that, it causes me to write blogs that go on for hours and hours and hours, because writing is a substitute for eating, for taking care of myself.  Talking too much usually means that you have some kind of physical problem, like drug use, drug withdrawal (usually tobacco), hunger, low blood sugar, or a ‘chemical problem’ – artificial flavors, salicylates, etc – like the Feingold diet talks about.  Tobacco in particular I’m familiar with, because over the years I’ve known so many people who either smoke or chew tobacco, and I’ve seen how their tobacco ups and downs, their uses and withdrawals, affect their moods and behavior.

I’m sure I’ll think of more stuff I didn’t get to write.  And I haven’t even done all the other things I need to do on the internet and I won’t have time.  More later then.

In Riso-Hudson’s system, the enneagram is primarily meant as a tool for personal growth and understanding. It is not meant to typecast anyone into a limited box as one, or even two personality types. However, their test results are designed to “describe” a person in terms of two adjacent types on the diagram. As such, I am definitely a 4/5 without any doubt. This corresponds to INTP in the Myers-Brigg’s personality assessment test and I am so consistently placed in other systems of personality that I rarely, if ever, see any discrepancies. That’s not to say I adhere or give credence to any system – even with the 99.9% coincidence of agreement. For example, I am intrigued by numerology and astrology but I do not “believe” in either as a predictive system of personality or anything else for that matter. Extend that to most other systems, including tarot, I-Ching, runes, crystals, Kabala, or whatever. I am fascinated by the information I can learn from many different systems, but that’s as far as I go. Anyway, all that to say I am not a faithful adherent of much of anything, but eclectically I gather from all and apply it to myself (and others too I guess … typical Four)

So, since I slept all day and I am still wide awake … here is my other half if you will.

Type Five: The Investigator

Focused, observant, curious, insightful, studious, complex, profound, perceptive, whimsical, unsentimental, exploratory, independent, visionary, pioneering, innovative, objective, understanding, playful, compassionate, and nonattached. Negatively, they can be detached, preoccupied, high strung, isolated, impractical, unconventional, uncompromising, extreme, and provocative.

They exemplify the desire to understand, to look beneath the surface and arrive at a deeper insight about their reality. They prefer the life of the mind, both as a way of understanding and as a way of escaping. Their inner world is more real and vivid to them than the external reality. They tend to experience something and then spend hours, days, or even years, seeking to understand it. They love playing around with concepts, overturning the accepted way of looking at or doing things. They are the most independent and idiosyncratic of the personality types. They are the ones we would normally label as loners and misfits. They can seem downright odd to other people. They are intensely determined to pursue their own questions, to swim in ideas they find fascinating, often to the point where “real world” considerations, such as relationships or finances or even basic needs become neglected or forgotten – the proverbial absent-minded professor. They have an extraordinary ability to focus on something they are considering, staying with a problem or a question or an idea until it is solved to their own satisfaction, or until they conclude that it is unsolvable. They are not ones given to boredom; there is always something to stimulate their energy and focus and curiosity.

When they find someone whose intelligence and interest they respect, they are invariably talkative and social. They love to share their insights and expertise with anyone who appreciates what they have to share. They are often a treasure trove of information, speculations, opinions, and trivia. They can also just as easily seem to be impenetrable enigmas who remain aloof and distanced, strange, quirky, yet somehow intriguing … from a distance of course. They always have more going on than what meets the eye.

Fives want to understand reality, to possess knowledge, to find their own niche for themselves that others have not explored, to have the freedom to explore their own inner worlds, to have sufficient solitude and time and space for their projects, and to feel confident, capable, and powerful, for knowledge is power. They do not want to feel uninformed or incapable, to have their competency questioned, to accept easy answers, to feel intruded on or managed, to be forced to respond before they feel ready to, to suffer the ignorance of others, or to ask for help.

They spend more time by themselves than any other personality type, yet they also need companionship and connection. They fear needing the affection and warmth of others though. They believe to ask or to need is to impinge on their own independence and freedom. They also internally believe that their needs are so intense they would be too much for another. Sadly, if either their independence or freedom is at risk, they will often retreat from the relationship, even if they love the person. They are the most able personality type to live without significant relationships on all levels. That doesn’t ever mean they do not want relationships, but that they are generally unwilling to compromise themselves for the sake of a relationship. They simply would rather do without. If they do find someone they are intensely loyal. They can be funny, affectionate, and highly sexual. Yet, they always remain in that unsteady balance between their desire for solitude and their desire for meaningful connection.

They easily feel intruded on and need perhaps more privacy and time alone than many others. They often personalize rejection and retreat from others. They are easily overwhelmed by others’ emotional needs. They can appear to be overly secretive, not expressing their feelings or giving verbal or non-verbal clues. They seemingly enjoy antagonizing or attempting to undermine the beliefs of others, not to be mean, but just to get others to question and think for themselves. They frequently cut themselves off from others, withdrawing into deep isolation, burrowing deeper as others try to draw them out.

They observe everything with extraordinary perceptiveness and insight. They possess a searching intelligence and are mentally alert and curious, little escapes their notice. They explore reality with a child’s sense of wonder. They love to ask questions. They enjoy learning and are excited by knowledge. They can be remarkably open-minded and tolerant despite an often black and white demeanor.

They cope with conflict by retreating inward, but eventually they need stimulation and interaction and return. They are characterized by restlessness and hyperactivity, often developing insomnia because they find it so difficult to just slow down – outwardly and inwardly. They often bounce between extremes, appearing almost bipolar. When they feel someone or something is intruding on them, they will attempt to leave, to escape, or simply shut down, becoming detached or silent and unresponsive. They can also become – at the other extreme – feisty, argumentative, confrontational and relentlessly provocative.

Self-preservation Fives/Isolation are the most introverted. They need long periods of privacy and solitude. The hoarding element of their personality is most often evidenced in the areas of resources, living space, and personal space. For them, less is definitely more. They are usually intensely private. They need lots of time by themselves to regenerate their personal energy. Many choose to live alone, while those in partnership often seek out a place of their own, a nook or study or simply a room where they can go and close the door and where no one intrudes. They tend to collect things for themselves as well. Whatever interests them, they stockpile to have on hand.

Fives grow by developing a deeper relationship with their bodies and their feelings, not just their minds. They must put themselves out there into the world, develop trust in others, share their knowledge and experience with others, and acknowledge all of their needs, allowing others to meet them.

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So, how’s that for a portrait of me? I already have my opinion, but it is subjective and biased of course. Then again, I am a stranger to all and you cannot possibly confirm or argue against any of this. I suspect, however, that anyone with enough time and effort could easily verify the veracity of both types, simply from my words in certain song lyrics and even more easily through my poetry and blogging. So, this is me. Eerily accurate if I do admit it myself.

Sick since last night or early this morning again, feverish, and a few other symptoms I will not disclose for the sake of propriety. I doubt it is the flu, too chronically reoccurring. Resembles something from my past, but I am trying to ignore it – maybe it will go away.

But, consequently, I slept nearly all day and much of the evening and therefore I am not tired or sleepy or even remotely capable of returning to bed, so I watched two DVDs, The Grudge 2, and Ten Nights of Dreams, non-coincidentally both within the tradition of J Horror (Japanese horror) and both directed by Takashi Shimizu. Incidentally, neither is responsible in any way for my sleeplessness either, although I enjoyed The Grudge 2 immensely, but then again, I prefer that type of horror over against almost everything within the American genre.

Restless tonight, feel confined even though I have a good reason to be inside. Obviously, at 11:49 pm I am not going for a walk or anything either, so I guess I must resign myself for an inner walk. I’ve mentioned personality type-casting before, enneagram, Myers-Briggs, even numerology and astrology and Jungian archetype psychology for example. It is one of my life-long fascinations. I should offer disclaimers and all that, but this is just my way of putting words to what I see when I look in the mirror, and they aren’t even my words … I am exploring the types as presented by Don Riso and Russ Hudson as they apply to my own results after taking their RHETI test. The online free ones are usually confusing and most often inconclusive by the way, but I purchased their books which offer the full test. Anyway … this is me …

(Discovering Your Personality Type from which all of this material is excerpted)

Type Four: The Individualist

intuitive, sensitive, impressionable, quiet, introspective, passionate, romantic, elegant, witty, imaginative, and self-expressive, creative, inspired, honest with themselves, emotionally strong, humane, self-aware, discreet, and self-renewing. Negatively, they can also be moody, emotionally demanding, self-absorbed, withholding, temperamental, dramatic, pretentious, and self-indulgent.

They exemplify the desire to be themselves, to be known for who they are, and to know the depths of their own heart. They are aware of their own emotional states. They pay attention to their changing emotions and try to determine what their feelings are telling them about themselves, about others, and about the world around them. This attunement allows them to discover deep truths about human nature, to bear compassionate witness to the sufferings of others, and to be profoundly honest with themselves about their motives. They can also become lost within their own feelings, preoccupied with emotional reactions, memories, and fantasies, both negative and positive.

They can be subtle and expressive, putting words to feelings and states that others may recognize, but could not have expressed so eloquently. By being emotionally honest they encourage others to look more deeply into their own feelings and selves.

Even if they are not artistically creative themselves, they often are involved with those who are, seeking out other poets, painters, musicians, and photographers. They often dress in such a manner as to express outwardly, what they feel inwardly, and are not ones to simply follow the trends and fashion sense of others. They tend to emphasize all of the ways in which they are unlike others, wanting to distinguish themselves from others and be unique. They deeply want to know who they are and to show themselves as being special. Driven by this need, they can feel alone and misunderstood, becoming creative ‘outsiders’ and they are proud of this.

Consequently, they often struggle with alienation, sadness, and melancholy. They focus on their real and honest feelings, perhaps more than other personality types, which tends to actually foster and prolong these feelings within themselves.

They want to express themselves and their individuality, to create, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw and protect their vulnerabilities, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, and to attract a ‘rescuer’ who will understand them. They do not want to lose touch with their feelings or to feel ordinary, to have their uniqueness and individuality go unrecognized, to have their taste in anything questioned, to be required in social settings, to blindly follow impersonal rules and procedures, or to spend time with people they perceive as lacking taste or emotional depth.

They seem to suffer from chronic self-doubt and extreme sensitivity to others’ reactions to them. They often hold a secret, inner image of who they think they could be. They sometimes believe that if they could somehow become different from who they are they would be seen and loved. There is a constant comparison between their idealized secret self and who they know themselves to actually be. They do not appreciate many of their true qualities because they cannot see them or accept them when compared to the fantasy.

They can be highly sensitive to others, almost empathic, and enjoy any kind of genuine sharing with another. They are excellent listeners, genuinely caring about what another is trying to share, but they can also get caught up in their own emotional reactions and become deaf and blind to objective truth as shared by another. It isn’t that they do not care, but more that their own feelings and reactions overwhelm their abilities and they become self-absorbed in their own cycles and thoughts and emotions. They tend to idealize others, becoming disappointed when they get to know the reality more honestly. They also project their own expectations onto others quite easily, again, often leading to disappointment, rejection, and devaluation. Their moodiness can be very difficult to handle and unintentionally and sometimes even unconsciously they ‘make’ others walk on eggshells. They commonly withhold attention and affection, punishing the other. They can also be touchy and hypersensitive to even the least slight.

At some level, they believe they are missing something that other people seem to have, that something is wrong with them. It is difficult for them to feel good about themselves or to appreciate the good things in their world. They are correct in perceiving that there is something inadequate or incomplete about the ego self, but they incorrectly assume that they alone suffer from this problem. They habitually compare themselves to others, concluding they got the ‘short end of the stick’. They expend much energy on this concept, thinking they have been singled out by fate for bad treatment, bad luck, unsatisfying relationships, bad parenting, and broken, unfulfilled dreams.

They need to see how they perpetuate their own suffering by continually focusing on old wounds rather than truly processing those hurts and letting go of them in a way that would allow them to heal.

They strive to be true to themselves. They are emotionally honest and are not afraid to reveal themselves to others “warts and all”. They are highly intuitive and creative. They treat others with gentleness. They can be wonderfully expressive with an ironic, witty view of life and themselves, often finding humor in their own foibles and contradictions. They are in touch with the ever-changing nature of reality, observing more than others, paying attention to those things many of us never notice at all.

They attempt to defend their hurt feelings (and gain attention) by withdrawing from people and withholding their own affection and attention. They usually recognize that this very action or attitude drives others away. They then usually overcompensate to re-establish their connections and solidify their relationships. Since they usually react out of stress, they can become manipulative, creating dependencies, trying to win others over again. They are masterful at talking about relationship, at making themselves more needed. At at an extreme, they could become more similar to an unhealthy Type Two, becoming possessive.

In another unhealthy pattern, they may become more controlling or critical of others, more in the manner of a Type One personality. They can become impatient and critical, demanding others to meet their own high, idealistic and often unreachable standards they hold for themselves. This idealization of the other person often quickly disintegrates into irritations, annoyances, devaluing, and even resentment. Ironically, they are usually also aware, acutely, of what they are thinking and feeling towards this other and inwardly, the self-torture recycles on itself in a seemingly endless loop. They know what they are doing, they just can’t seem to escape the pattern.

If they can allow themselves to objectively observe themselves, there is an increased chance for integration, movement towards a healthier Type One. If they can see themselves, see their patterns and behaviors and accept them more readily rather than wasting so much energy on focusing on those unhealthy traits and patterns, they can escape the emotional turbulence and their need to maintain an emotional crisis, just for the sake of the crisis moment. They can become more practical, grounded, realistic, and objective. Generally, this involves stepping beyond themselves, becoming involved on some level with others outside of themselves. For the Type Four, this is a defining moment, an investment in someone else in some manner or something else even.

(note: I have not fully concluded which “Instinct” I fall into in Riso-Hudson’s enneagram system, but I seem to mostly FIT the ‘Sexual Instinct’ so I have related that as follows)

They focus their envy and hypersensitivity in their intimate relationships. They are emotionally intense, which is both their gift and their curse. They possess both a capacity and a desire for profound intimacy and they are incredibly insightful when it comes to human nature and the ups and downs of relationships. They have a sultry, sullen quality which can be attractive and mysterious or viewed as snobbery and distancing if misunderstood. They quickly and wholeheartedly pour their energy into the object of their affection, easily becoming infatuated or even seemingly obsessed from another’s point of view, sometimes irrationally and immediately. They are unconsciously drawn to people who possess qualities and talents they believe they lack. They seek to complete themselves by associating with or merging with the other. Of course, this almost never works, which leads to the disintegration of the idealized other and they can even blame the other for reminding them of what they feel they are missing within themselves. To say they are often on a roller coaster ride of emotions, from one extreme to the other is an understatement. Again, Type Fours almost always are aware of their own feelings, even these dark ones, and they are also often prone to expressing them in self-destructive ways, believing they are inadequate, faulty, missing something, etc.

Life lessons for a Type Four would include: recognizing that all the hurts and losses of the past are real, but there isn’t a need to keep revisiting them. This process keeps them imprisoned in their past, not living in this present moment, the one time and place in which their real feelings and their true identity can be found and experienced. They need to recognize that living in the past moves them further away from their most authentic self and their truest self-expression.

(note: there are 3 or 4 other books written by these authors exploring more and more about each personality type and their website also offers more in-depth information if anyone is curious. enneagraminstitute.com)

Phrases that set off my coaching radar:

“I’m the type or person who…”

“I’ve always been someone who…”

“That’s just the way I do things.”

Once someone has drawn that conclusion about himself/herself, the doors of possibility are getting closed, and his/her potential paths forward are being limited.

The distinction I’d make here is between knowledge and awareness. We treat knowledge as fixed and unchangeable. If I know I’m in introvert, then I predict that I will need to go to great lengths for the rest of my life to hoard my energy. If I am aware of my energy level, though, I’m able to react in the moment and do what I need, regardless of whether I know my MBTI type, or enneagram type, or what my boss said on my last performance evaluation. (Of course, I still am a fan of all three – MBTI, enneagram, and performance evals!)

Rather than draw conclusions about who we are and how we act, I work with my clients to heighten their awareness: their awareness of what they are feeling, what they are choosing, and what is important to them in the near-term, the short-term, and the long-term.

Let’s not be so quick to decide who we are. Let’s keep the doors open. What self-knowledge do you have that you’d like to let go of? What limiting beliefs are you hanging on to?

*

A reminder that Coach Buffet is fast approaching! Sign up now to meet the coach of your dreams on Nov.17.

Joe and I had a fabulous time dancing in Ashland again last night! Things went much more smoothly than before, as we worked it on the floor both together and separately.

If I am still going to parallel such experiences with movies about dancing, last night’s events would have comprised the lovely montage midway through where the female lead finally begins to show signs of significant improvement! Joe commented that I was “at least twice as good as last time,” (adding that I seemed to have gotten over my nagging neuroses about the beat) and a stranger walked up and complimented my moves! No matter that at first I thought he was asking me to dance and so responded, “Sure! I’d love . . .” and then, “. . . er, thank you!” So much for suave.

Anyway, what I actually intended to write about was seeing This is It with my pops this evening. After the most glorious of Sundays–packed full of lounging around in front of the fire first with a cup o’ joe (no pun), next a guitar and eventually a blanket as I cat-napped, followed by the most peaceful venture to Shastice park with Savannah–Dad offered to take me out for a brewski and dinner at the Goat and then to see the recent tribute to Michael Jackson.

I’m a little intimidated at the prospect of trying to write sensitively and eloquently about the film. So, I’ll try to settle back to my heart point at Four, where our tragic and remarkable musical hero M.J. almost certainly lived, and just let it flow. . .

Although I was running on very few hours of sleep, I was mesmerized by the movie as Dad (watching for his second time) said I would be. With my current passion for dance, what I found catching my eye consistently were technicalities like Michael’s impeccable turns. The way that man could spin on a dime and come back to the exact same millimeter of space in a second is astounding. I aspire to do the same!

I might say that the breadth of his talent–in addition to its excellence–is what I find most profound about the King of Pop. Watching the movie we get a chance to observe all the other incredibly gifted people who worked alongside him, but their expertise appears limited while Michael’s spreads as wide as the stage he shines on.

Of course, so does the air of tragedy that surrounds him; and an instability I sensed in his character that had nothing to do with the gory details gnashed on by the media. I just felt nervous that Michael might crack each time a request was made of him, despite that he never responded anyway but respectfully.

It all makes me want to hold him, cradle him like the little Earth Girl tenderly does the last flower. I wonder who the last person to do so, to really touch Michael Jackson, could have been? Did the composer of Human Nature ever receive any real human nurture?

My heart also breaks for everyone involved in the production of what would have been a pinnacle tour, for all the performers who opened the film weeping tears of joy for the opportunity to dance with the living legend.

I suppose that is the mess of life that any good Four will tell you is necessary in order to appreciate the beauty.

I appreciate the beauty of all that Michael Jackson created during his time on this earth–even if he did name one of his children Prince Michael II, a.k.a “Blanket!”

In honor of Michael Jackson, God bless you all.

I’ve been a little preoccupied with my future again as of late. I think it might have something to do with being so energetic and happy most of the time these days and wanting to hold onto that.

Beware attachment! My Buddhist training warns. I heed it. . .

I also hear the resounding bells of discovering several of my passions over the last few months. Along with them is an urge I’m not used to, to go deeper into some things rather than skimming lightly across their surfaces.

The clock reads 5:55 as I type. For the past few weeks I’ve noticed repeating 5’s on a daily basis. Call me cuckoo, but I take the clock as a sign that there is truth in what I’m writing.

Until recently, I pretty fully embodied the tendency of Twos and Sevens to jump from one topic, experience, or area of focus to another, without really delving into any of them. Both enneatypes like the freshness of newness and fairly dislike the tedium and strain of sticking with what’s familiar.

The tendency, like any, has both positive and negative sides. For me, the positive side of skipping rocks has been that I have been exposed to a variety of people, places and things; I have a plethora of experiences under my belt to make myself and my life more interesting. Further, all my skimming has helped me decide which oceans I don’t need to cross . . . as well as, I suppose, which ones I do.

This is the hard part. Although I say I’m feeling the urge to go deeper, as I contemplate what step to take next into my future, I am made to recognize the way I’ve been fly fishing all over this great big world and that it might not be easy to stop. It feels like each time I verge on making a decision and beginning to let that lure sink, I change my mind.

I’m lucky to believe it’s all part of the [perfect] process. Even though over the course of the last two years I have had enough extravagant ideas to write a million blogs, I really have been narrowing the scope and becoming less interested in trying to see and study it all.

Now, I’m paying attention to the places in my life where the passion flows upward. I’m beginning to recognize my personal Old Faithfuls–spirituality, dance, guitar, singing, writing, language, laughing, friends and family–as well as the fact that they can only shower me with their joyous flows as long as I’m standing beneath them and not running amuck somewhere else.

Although I could probably dance beneath them too, because there’s always a little wiggle room!

I’m a bit of a nut when it comes to personality tests. I’ve done the Enneagram, Myers-Briggs, some sort of colour test, and a whole variety of others.

I’ve done so many tests, in fact, I’d be darned if I were able to remember any of the results. I think I’m an intuitive blue-green shark or something. You may know better than me.

I’m so weary of confusing and accurate personality tests, I’ve been testing out my own system which does not require any lengthy questionnaires (do you disagree, agree, or are you neutral?). Gone are the zany typologies and acronyms (for instance, you will never find yourself uttering the words: “I’m a purple ostrich too!”).

In my experience, you need only look at your inbox. There are a variety of email personalities:

The Clutterbox: Your inbox is stuffed full of messages (1000+). You read only the important messages, leave the rest unread. You don’t care. You may not know how to customize your wallpaper theme (but why bother?).

• Strengths: You’re good at tuning out the background noise and prioritizing. You accomplish many of your goals, and cut your losses when others don’t pan out.
• Weaknesses: You struggle at keeping things in proportion. Also, your old friends and co-workers have long given up on trying to get a hold of you. You’re something of a dabbler (and not a renaissance man/woman like you sometimes tell yourself).

The Goalsetter: You keep your inbox filled to a targeted, typically round number. You face the facts: you’re not going to read all those emails, but you’re not giving up on important relationships. 100 unread emails? Manageable, at least until things slow down. Problem is, they never do and your inbox tends to slowly creep up. You may have customized your inbox theme, preferably with a galactic or pebbly theme.

• Strengths: You have a pretty good social awareness and a positive outlook on life. You value relationships and are usually excellent at keeping up with people.
• Weaknesses: You can be a bit of a people-pleaser and you occasionally get overwhelmed.

The Checklister: Keeps inbox tidy with ZERO unread messages whenever possible, let alone any unsightly junk mail. The sight of an untended email account causes you to shudder. You may use a tidy-looking alternative theme (checks, patterns) to differentiate yourself from the unwashed masses, but not something too flashy (unicorns, really?).

• Strengths: You are punctual, generally very courteous (except when someone forwards you messages you are obliged to check as read), and deferential to a fault.
• Weaknesses: Despite your best efforts, life tends to be difficult to control. You tend to avoid conflict, often at your own detriment. You may have some anger issues.

The Forwarder: You love getting messages with jokes, impassioned political pleas, or funny pictures/videos. You enthusiastically send emails to any or all like-minded individuals.

• Strengths: You are giving and free with yourself. You love life, laughs, and thoughts.
• Weaknesses: You may not realize your emails ANNOY your friends, unless your friends are like-minded (which they most probably are).

Well, that’s all I could come up with. Do you have any way of improving my test? Let me know.

Halloween turned out to be great fun, of course–although I did end up sneaking away to the privacy of my parents’ home to avoid the trick or treaters I wasn’t prepared for.

At around 8 o’clock my friend Natalie came over to curl my hair and help me take the final step into becoming Curly Top (no one recognized me in anyway and one person’s response to my ‘costume’ was, “You just look like a cuter version of Tessa.” Way to go, me!). Two hours, many ringlets and a cardboard lollypop later, Space Cat and Curly Top exited the premises. Destination: the Wayside Bar and Grill.

At the Wayside I enjoyed one Maker’s Mark whiskey on the rocks (Natalie’s choice) and a good six shimmying songs on the dance floor. I’ve noticed that salsa seems to flavor all my steps these days. I’d probably sway my hips all over the place even to electronica. But despite my ability to tune out leering goblins and other less creatively dressed men and to season hip hop with salsa, the party was not the fun filled environment I had been hoping for.

So, I ventured on to a party at the Coopers. The Coopers are a family of about eight children. Sophie, Chloe, CeeCee, Will, younger boy whose name I can’t remember–that’s five and I know I’m forgetting a few . . . Anyway, they’re a very eclectic and conscious crowd with an amazing old house right downtown (and directly across the street from Berryvale, as a matter of fact); and their party was the talk of the town.

And with good reason. The Coopers had held a decorating party on Thursday evening during which what was most likely a den area had been transformed into a strobe-lit, cobwebed cocktail lounge. When I arrived, a group of people stood chatting out in the cool autumn air and absorbing the glow of the fire from the pit nearby. Inside, a bar, snack tables and couches framed a dance floor pulsating with the beats of one of two hired DJs. I was first greeted with the festive scene, then by the shocked faces of three old friends.

I don’t fully understand the charade, but whenever a certain group of friends from high school and I reunite, there is a whole lot of show and surprise. Then, of course, the hugging. Oh. And for the record, these are male friends.

After allowing an appropriate period of time for reconciliation, I worked my way onto the dance floor and slid right into the groove. The boys danced along with and without me. Everyone seemed to be having a smashing good time.

I stayed until just before 3 a.m., when one friend, Clifford asked for a ride home. Seeing his tired eyes and watching him wilt before me, I gave Cliff the ride gladly, grateful for a chance to put my most recent EnneaThought for the Day into action: Today, try this recommendation: If you develop your great capacity to care about others, you will never go far wrong—in fact, you will do a great deal of good in life.

On our way to his house, the topic of music came up. “Do you play the guitar?” Cliff asked me.

“Yeah! I can actually say now that, yes, I do.” I smiled.

“Me too!” said Cliff with enthusiasm. He proceeded to tell me about a song he had written for his mom for Mother’s Day, then asked if I wanted to come inside and hear it.

For any of you who are thinking, “There she is again in the middle of the night with a strange man who is about to get her all alone inside his empty house!” (or bus, as the case may be), it wasn’t like that. I promise.

We went inside and he shared his song and I shared my songs and he shared another one and I shared my blog. And it was there that I got the idea for this post, which it has taken all this time to really get to . . . :

I’ve been noticing that the more I open up my gifts to the world–music, writing, laughter, love–the more other people respond by opening theirs. In the past year I have been privileged enough to hear numerous original songs–some debuts to the audience of one, see countless works of original art, be danced all across smooth floors and be graced by conversation after conversation steeped in original thought.

People are so cool when you open up and get to know them. And I think it’s in doing both–the opening and the getting . . . –that the true riches spill forth.

Blessings and Thank You’s all around. Peace, ya’ll.

Deep breath.

I think everything good starts and ends and exists within a breath.

“As long as you’re breathing, there is more right with you than wrong.”

That’s a quote from the guided meditation c.d. that accompanies The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness, a book co-authored by John Kabat Zinn and others.

I found both the book and c.d. hugely helpful last June when I was fresh off of antidepressants and struggling a bit with franticness and fear. Listening to the c.d. is good when all you want to do is lie in the fetal position. You can still breath there, and that’s all we ever absolutely need to do.

Of the two of us, my brother bears the bigger burden of depression. I can pinpoint a few years of my life when I experienced prolonged phases of despair, but it hasn’t been my norm. Ty has had to work a lot harder for happy.

I didn’t expect to write about this today . . . you never know what might come up while you’re breathing . . .

We spoke today and he told me this weekend was one of the hardest he has ever experienced. He’s doing better though, taking good care of himself in every way he knows how.

As for the rest of us, the many, many people who love and have been touched by Tyler. . . I think the best we can do is send an outpouring of love his way and stay attentive to timing. It’s a big temptation to jump right in and try to be Ms. Fixit right away. Especially as an ET2, I often feel like I have the perfect suggestion for anyone hurting. Sometimes I’m on the right track and what I have to say might be of great benefit; but unless the moment is right, I promise you that perfect suggestion will fall on deaf ears.

As Ty told me about all the steps he’s been taking to stay strong–no caffeine, no alcohol, exercise consistently, meditate daily, and others–I did feel compelled to remind him go easy on himself when he skips a morning meditation or misses a dose of fish oil. I wrote a little bit about my experience of overdoing in an early post, Human Doings, inspired by talking with my brother the same day.

The post begins with a poem; the first line of which is, “You don’t have to be good.”

I don’t want you to be good, Ty. I just want you to be.

* * *

One of my favorite feel-better-even-while-you-cry songs came on as I typed this post, right after Billy Joel’s “Sadness and Euphoria” and in time with me typing the words, “you never know what might come up while you’re breathing.” It’s “Heart of Life” by John Mayer and it goes like this (<—–click there to listen, Mom!):

I hate to see you cry,
lying there in that position.
There are things you need to hear,
so turn off your tears and listen:

But I know the heart of life is good.

I dedicate this post to you, brother. And even though John Mayer says, “turn off your tears,” I say, just keep being you, however you may be. We’ll love you no matter what that looks like. Love and hugs, your Seester.

It has come to my attention that having a focused intention for my blog would behoove us all greatly. Today I’d like to write about just that.

I’ll start at the beginning (even if to say so is redundant). My initial inspiration for starting a blog was both special and rather unoriginal. I decided to treat myself to the luxury of a matinée one late summer afternoon. So I took a quiet walk down to Mt Shasta Cinemas and bought myself a ticket for Julie and Julia.

For the most part, I enjoyed the movie; but there was also this whiney little voice inside of me (probably my ET4 heart point, otherwise known as a “soul child”) that was actually quite jealous of Julie and Julia alike. “Why should Julie get to do what she loves and then have a book published and a bit fat feature film made starring Meryl Streep?” it demanded. “When will I be loved?”

Lurking there, just behind the jealousy and whinging, was also sadness and a feeling of disconnect from my own path. It had been more than a year since graduating from Naropa, yet still I was “transitioning and integrating” (my words, spoken so many times) and not feeling like I had made any real progress. Somehow, watching Julie and Julia up on that screen touched this tender area of my being and as the credits rolled at the end of the film, I stayed in my seat and wept. (I’m laughing now. I knew there was a reason I named this blog Carry Kleenex, Carry On).

As I walked home, the urge to create a blog of my own crept up inside of me and gradually grew. What’s amazing is that it didn’t dwindle. I wrote my first blog within a week of seeing the movie and the love affair hasn’t fizzled yet. Yes, it’s only been a month, but a month is a long time to do something consistently, first of all, and secondly, I’ve heard that it takes 30 days to establish any habit, good or bad. Given that, consider Cocoa (:acronym CKCO shortened and cute-end) established!

When I actually sat down to write my first post, it all seemed to flow naturally. I came up with the topic and title relatively easily, thanks to a little help from my mom. I even think my initial intention was fairly clear from the start, with the original subtitle: An attempt to redirect my musings to an audience that’s interested. (I’ve since altered that heading slightly, changing “attempt” to “intent” because of the importance I believe the concept of intention to bear; I’ll elaborate on both in a minute).

I am a person who analyzes life and my own behavior on a regular basis. While I find such a quality endearing, it’s easy for me to make the leap and realize that such is not likely the case for every person I encounter. But, I thought, there must be somebody out there who would enjoy and perhaps even benefit from hearing my thoughts on life. So I decided to share them, realizing I might also get some of that particular energy out of my system and into an environment where it would at least have the potential to thrive.

My hope was not so much to entertain or enlighten as to simply offer my thoughts and myself and allow them the chance to be received. I also realized, on some level, that by writing things down I would have an opportunity to get to know Tessa better. I don’t know if it sounds weird that I needed to get to know me, but I honestly did and I do . . .

The point is that, yes, I am writing this blog for people to read it; but my primary intention remains to stay focused on Spirit, both mine and the great one and to see what pours forth. This becomes increasingly challenging as hits to the site and comments on it increase–and not just comments, but comments, filled with integrity and heart. Seeing such things makes it really tempting to try and lure more loveliness into the light, but I realize that the reason this whole process is actually working at all is because I’m not doing it for anyone else. I think that’s an important thing to remember for anyone following a passion, that if you’re not doing it to fulfill you, you probably won’t be fulfilled.

In any case, the reason I changed the word “attempt” to “intent” was to further focus the direction of this offering of mine. I believe in the power of the spoken (or in this case, written) word and I felt that by using the word “attempt,” I was weakening my . . . I hesitate to say “resolve” because to me that feels rigid and closed. So, I was weakening the strength of my . . . well, intention to make a genuine and positive change in my life and to pursue a passion.

Writing daily and opening myself wider than I have been to a even broader range of observation has truly enhanced my life and increased my happiness. The birth of this blog was a genuinely “beautiful dawn.”

I encourage you to listen to the sweet and profound song entitled as such and to pay attention to the lyrics as you do so. I’ve been playing it on my guitar and singing along, and it brings me joy that I want to share. I hope you’ll be inspired.

Learning how to cry is the hardest part
There’s only one way to mend a broken heart.

~Beautiful Dawn, The Wailin Jenny’s

This afternoon I am having trouble finding my ground.

My morning was delightful. I worked in the Berryvale deli again. I’m learning quickly with the upward arc of the curve and feeling confident and fulfilled in my new position.

When I got home I was welcomed with the unfortunate news that my big and only brother is not doing as well as he could be. For years he has been struggling off and on with a depression that runs in our family; and lately the “noonday demons” have worn him down and run him ragged.

It always stirs up all kinds of thoughts and emotions in me when this happens and I’ve been having a hell of a time trying to write about it. Now finally, after a good hour of killing my babies (relax; it’s a term writers use to describe deleting words and phrases that don’t quite work), I find myself breathing more easily.

I’m a enneatype 2–and I’m choosing to use box this into the enneagram framework because without a container this subject will spread all over the screen. It is my nature to shape-shift and adapt to any situation, or more accurately, to the energy output of anyone else. So when my mother is struggling under the weight of worry and my brother is battling the darkness, it becomes very difficult for me to continue gliding through life as has been my way for these past few weeks. You see, it doesn’t feel right for me to be content on my own when the others around me are not. 2’s bear the dual burdens of guilt and shame; and both rear their ugly heads at rough times like these.

So for the past hour, I’ve been spitting out sentences like “I haven’t always been so happy” and “Last year at this time, I was overwhelmed by anxiety and sadness” in attempt to commiserate, become more relate-able, justify my happiness and still try to help and inspire. Gross. I even began a post where I was going to pluck downer sentences from my old journals so I would sound more “real.”

It is perplexing to think that I would consider such things to be potentially helpful to the situation. Although, to be fair, the frame of mind I have been experiencing lately is new. Feeling like it might actually be my duty to reap the happiness life has sewn for me is . . . different. . .

As I walked along that glorious forest lane yesterday, I had a thought, “Your first priority is to take care of yourself.” This idea in and of itself is something I’ve been toying with a lot over the past year. Especially, again as a 2, because of my compulsive need to give and give and give in attempt to feel worthy of love.

But yesterday the thought went a step further, into the territory where logic actually confirms a more esoteric truth. I thought, If I were a mother with a newborn baby, certainly no one would expect me to take care of anyone or anything before tending to the needs of my child. That would be absurd. And then came this: I am my own newborn babe.

I have struggled in the past, truly. There have been days when I couldn’t stop crying and times when if not for the arms of a friend wrapped around me, I would have broken in two. And even though I’m happy as a lamb most of the time nowadays, the clutches of darkness are only at bay. As easy as it has be to forget, I am not immune to despair.

Yet when my brother is sad, I get confused as to whether I’m supposed to be sad, too. I wonder if I need to be doing something, something important, and doing it NOW to try and make things better.

But what if all I really need to do is to gather the seeds of gladness sprinkled before me and hold them tightly? Because if I don’t have them, I can’t plant them. If I don’t plant them, I can’t reap the fruits they will grow. If I don’t sew, I can’t reap, if I don’t reap, I can’t share . . .

The Dinner Party

“Finding the Birthday Cake; Helping Children Raise Their Self-esteem” is a small book I wrote for children to teach them the Enneagram and provide a fun story about some animals’ adventures. The cartoon included here isn’t in the book; it’s a child’s version of the cartoon by the same name that’s in “The Enneagram Made Easy.” How fun it is to go back to childhood and start remembering the songs, nursery rhymes, and feeling of being very small compared to everyone else. Animal dolls had a special happy significance as an intermediary between children and adults. They “knew” who they were but they didn’t have an agenda for us other than to be fuzzy, scary, strong, vulnerable, or whatever we wanted them to be. As stuffed toys. They seemed to love us back but they didn’t fight us on anything. Ah, those were the days.

When I was around 4, I had a dream that helped me realize some important ways I was separate from the rest of my family and guided me to going inside and exploring art and music. As an adult, writing and drawing my dreams help me figure out some puzzles about individuals and human nature that perplexed me. I will continue to be curious about human beings as long as I live. My dream drawings provide material for some of the drawings in the books I write. So I can’t say enough about my respect for that part of ourselves that we often call the “unconscious.”

Today’s blogging challenge is going to be to not focus so much on what somebody else might want to read as on what I want to write. This is actually the challenge of everyday, paired with the fact that as an image type I am A) concerned with keeping up a good rapport with my audience and B) not always sure of what I actually desire, being conditioned as I am to tuning into the needs of others . . .

It was Tessa I tuned into, though, when I decided to go ahead and tell my Arts Council boss I was applying for a job in Santa Barbara. Everyone around me was saying, “In this economy? Are you crazy? You can’t just go around telling your employer that you’re looking for other work. It’s not smart.”

Despite it, my conscience and I were adamant about being honest. If nothing else, lying just isn’t worth the trouble and energy! So, I told Lauri the whole truth: a fantastic opportunity had come up, I was driving to SB to pursue it; I might be leaving the Council soon but promise to give plenty of notice if I do. Of course, as you may already know, I didn’t get the job and I did receive my two weeks notice a few days ago.

So, everyone was right, huh. By looking out for the other guy and not for myself, I got the short end of the stick. Lesson learned! Or was it . . .

The very day I was given my notice (I wish I could just type “fired;” it’s so much more succinct) my friend Royce came by to visit and told me they might be looking for bakers at Berryvale.

Getting its name from one of Mt. Shasta City’s prior christenings, Berryvale is a local alternative grocery store with a culture all its own. It smells of herbs and patchuli, and more often than not there are small clumps of people (who also smell like herbs and patchuli, and sometimes herb) gathered in it’s vicinity. Inside, although you’ll almost certainly encounter dreadlocks, you’re equally likely to find logo-t’s and bike shorts. If there is such a thing as an intentional grocery store, Berryvale is it. They even provide metal rings for looping leashes and a stationary bowl of water out front for dogs waiting while their people shop.

Royce has worked at “Berry” for about a year now. He’s a checker, re-stocker and occasional dishwasher. He’s also a schmoozer, and the people there love him. So, when they needed a baker some months ago and he gave me a wholehearted recommendation, it seemed I was a shoe in.

As fate had it, I slowly let the Berryvale ball drop and got lined up with work at the Siskiyou Arts Council. Now here we are, six months later with Berryvale needing bakers and me needing a job. . .

Hearing the news, I recognized this as an opportunity to pick up the ball I had dropped in April and grip it tightly. I promised myself I would be diligent about returning to Berryvale on a regular basis until they hired me.

I made my first trip in on Thursday morning. The head baker Emily wasn’t there that day, but an Art History teacher of mine was (do you like the irony? The Arts Council, for me, History!) and he sent a whole new ball rolling down the aisle of my imagination. But that’s a story for another day.

I returned to Berryvale on Friday, this time catching Emily in the back room. I was prepared to go into great detail about my passion for baking and desire to join the Berryvale team. But, thanks to my loyal friend Royce, she began talking about scheduling and training before I hardly had a chance to say word!

One of the owners joined our conversation halfway through it. “This is Tessa!” Emily said, introducing me. Belinda nodded and handed me an application. “Just fill out the basics,” she suggested, “name, phone number, etc . . . You can include your previous employer if you want, but don’t worry about phone numbers there. I won’t be calling anyone.” And she disappeared into the back.

I floated out of the store, giving Royce a bear hug and a thank you on the way out. . .

If this experience hasn’t convinced me to follow my thread of truth and have faith, I don’t know what will.

As Mom would say, it’s “D.R.O!”

D.R.O.: an acronym meaning Divine Right Order.

I’m losing steam on blogging. Blah. Perhaps it’s because I really wanted to be out dancing tonight, but I couldn’t talk anyone else into it. Plus, it appears I need even more downtime than I’d planned. I’m still tired. Blah again.

Jocela sang a great song lyric at her show Wednesday night: If life’s so short then why are the nights so long?

And getting longer. We’re working our way well into October and the sun is setting around 6:30. It’s time to get out the knitting needles and board games, that’s for sure! Not to mention the dancing shoes . . .

Which reminds me . . . I may have snagged yet another dance partner tonight at the Artists’ Reception at the gallery (what a relief polygamy is widely accepted on the dance floor)!

I didn’t stay long (I’ll admit for largely spiteful reasons. I like savoring the thought that people will ask my ex-boss, “Where’s Tessa!?” and she’ll be forced to explain my absence. It’s not very noble, but oh well. At least I’m honest), but in the few moments I did linger after my shift I was engaged in conversation by a certain Nikolas Allen and he invited me out swing dancing!

I’d seen Nikolas just a few days prior when he came by the gallery to submit work to the show, and actually thought I may have scared him out of conversation in the future. During a casual conversation about artwork and dancing, I decided to mention all the eligible bachelors I attract working in the gallery. Minutes later I made a grossly flirtatious comment to Nikolas in response to his idea to hang a string of free condoms from his piece “NO LOVE!” (featuring a photo of a young couple from the 50’s with the words “Sorry Bobby; No Glove, No Love.”). Ugh. Thankfully, since he still extended the invitation tonight, it appears my tackiness didn’t too far outweigh my charm (or at least my affinity for dance) . . .

Ha. If only Lauri had been there to witness that interaction. Yesterday, after watching me train the new co-op member, she commented dryly, “You flirt with boys.”

“Oh? Was I flirting?” I’d responded.

“Yeah, and you flirted with Tony on the phone the other day, too.” She sounded oddly miffed, and I’m going to bank on jealousy as the cause. See, I’m quite sure my boss is an 8 on the enneagram (ironically, 8 is often referred to as “the Boss” or “the Challenger”), and that makes me, at 2, her heart point. If a person has not gotten in touch with his/her heart point it can be highly uncomfortable to have that inner child mirrored back at them. On the inside, Lauri is really just a little girl who cries and wants to be loved. Since she probably hasn’t embraced that aspect of herself, it would make sense that I, the quintessential (quinTESSAntial) lovey, flirty, cry-y female, would easily push a big strong 8’s big strong buttons.

In any case, I’m grateful for people who see beyond my weaknesses and limitations and still love me. Or ask me out dancing, anyway. . . Hooray!

Took another test (again, following Steph’s lead). The Enneagram Type Test this time.

I’m a Type 8, and when I read the descriptions, I’m not entirely sure I agree. I’ll take it again to make sure when I feel like it. The site I’m on gave me 9 levels, and a description for each. Level 1 being when I’m at my best and Level 9 when I’m at my worst.

Level 1:
Become self-restrained and magnanimous, merciful and forbearing, mastering self through their self-surrender to a higher authority. Courageous, willing to put self in serious jeopardy to achieve their vision and have a lasting influence. May achieve true heroism and historical greatness.

Oh, heroism and historical greatness? Sounds good, but…

Level 9:
If they get in danger, they may brutally destroy everything that has not conformed to their will rather than surrender to anyone else. Vengeful, barbaric, murderous. Sociopathic tendencies. Generally corresponds to the Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Aw. I’m a sociopath and a murderer.

Stupid test.

I’m back at home where internet comes easy and now I’m struggling to blog. Then again, starting up is usually a challenge for me; and at least today I have my topic all cut out . . .

As you know, I am currently working as the Gallery Manager/Executive Assistant at the Siskiyou Arts Council (“Siskiyou” being the county I live in). I got the job through a boyfriend a couple of months ago when he decided to move to Michigan without me (ohh, the drama). It seemed like a good idea at the time, my working there, and it has been a great experience in many ways . . .

SAC’s gallery is located on a corner of Main Street on the north side of town. It’s right next door to what locals call “the Cowboy Gallery;” and particularly in contrast to its rugged neighbor, our gallery is a gleaming array of Pergo wood floors, hanging lights and a nice selection of works by local artists from around the county. The SAC gallery is also one of very few places in town a girl can wear heels without receiving weird looks (you’re better off in Crocs or Birks around here). That said, one reason I’ve enjoyed working for the Siskiyou Arts Council has been the opportunity to put my newly found fashion skills–thanks to What Not to Wear–to good use. What a perk!

The job has also been fab’ in that it’s pushed me past various edges of my comfort zone. Mainly, I’ve been forced to make phone calls. For some reason, although I am relatively comfortable with people, making phone calls has always made me feel kind of nervous and stupid. Half of the time after I hang up I make a gagging face and mutter the last few words I spoke during the call outloud, sure I’ve just made some kind of fool of myself (maybe a post on confidence should be next in line).

Working for SAC, I’ve also had exposure to the inner-workings of an Non Profit Organization, worked in close proximity to artists and their art and been truly welcomed into the loving arms of this little community as I upkeep one of Mt. Shasta’s finest storefronts.

Have you wondered why I keep talking in past tense?

Some two months ago a great opportunity came up to apply for a friend’s old job in Santa Barbara. As I worked out the logistics of driving down to interview mere days before my big (and only) brother’s wedding, I had to consider how I would handle the situation with my current employer. Should I tell them why I need time off? Do I keep it hush-hush?

Being a 2 on the enneagram and being me, I opted to be 112% forthright and considerate. I not only told my boss where I was going and why, but went so far as to add (after not getting the job), “I only expect you to be as committed to me as I am to you. . .”

My honesty is both a blessing and a curse, so it seems. Today, my boss Lauri politely informed me, “Consider this your two weeks’ notice.”

Oh . . .

I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. In fact, I even blogged about seeing it come. Still, I remained in minor shock for some time after receiving the news. Post conversation, I spent the afternoon on the mindless task of archiving newspaper clippings mentioning SAC. The day was as rainy as they come. Eventually, I slumped to the floor, wrapped myself around my dog Savannah Belle Bones and cried–for approximately seven minutes.

Two minutes after that, an Austrian woman came into the gallery and . . . I sold her a painting! Now, that’s what I’m talking about when I say carry kleenex and carry on!

On that note: I’ll keep you posted. And thanks for listening.