Well, that’s what me and my friends Messrs Peach and Purple here thought of Christmas. Next year I’m having a Who Doesn’t Live In Japan? Christmas Party Bonanza!!! and you’re all invited, all 3 people who read this blog. Party on.

X

Only something that really appeals as an art form to people of my generation, slightly older, is the music video.  A bit pointless in concept the execution these days is pretty much on par, useless “performance” and fashion videos put out by the likes of Rihanna or whoever else is “good” these days.  Better are some artists, creating videos of such quality and concept they’re sometimes better than the songs themselves, or even the artist themselves.  In this issue of Dig, Dug, Damn! you reap the rewards of my deep digging, bringing you what I feel to be the top 25 music videos of all time (in random order).  Then, after, I post some follow-up videos that didn’t make the list (I’m only posting a single video by a band, so some artists would otherwise have multiple entries).  Let’s rock!

Artist: Stabbing Westward Song: Shame

This was one of the most simple decisions on the whole list.  The video has everything from band performance to a virtual breaking of the 4th wall, and the story itself is very devious and fun, tying perfectly into the lyrics.  I love the concept so much, and for when it came out, it’s really ground breaking.  (Directed by Paul Cunningham)

Artist: Michael Jackson Song: Thriller

I’d say something about the video but everything in the world that could be said has already been said, and recently.  (Directed by murderer John Landis)

Artist: The Smashing Pumpkins Song: Tonight, Tonight

This is an obligatory selection, and obviously so.  Directed by Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris, later of Little Miss Sunshine fame, and based on the classic 1902 film Le Voyage Dans la Lune by Georges Méliès, the video is a technological masterpiece and a simplistic dream come true shot entirely with backdrops and a stationary cameras.  PS: The Smashing Pumpkins are my favorite band ever.

Artist: A-Ha Song: Take On Me

Ripped from the pages of history, this video is every bit successful as it is ambitious, every bit amazing as it is a delight to watch.  The story fit with the song, the animation was excellent, and it should be immediately apparent why this is hailed as one of the best by most every source you can find on the topic.  (Directed by Steve Barron)

Artist: New Order Song: True Faith

An old favorite of mine, New Order are every bit as fresh as ever, and this video was amazing to me as a child.  Honestly, it’s even more intriguing to me now with the strange, almost metaphoric performance art going on all throughout, mostly rhythmically.  If that doesn’t sell you on watching I don’t know what will.  (Directed by Philippe Decouflé)

Artist: Björk Song: Bachelorette

One name: Michel Gondry.  The director of films such as Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind and The Science of Sleep has a way with visuals that is almost like being a puppeteer of humans and a painter of theatrics.  He’s directed many great videos, especially for Björk, and I feel this is the broadest and most impressive of her bunch.  His work appears numerous times on this list.

Artist: Eric Prydz Song: Call On Me

Steve Winwood never sounded so good (probably because he rerecorded his vocals for the Sweedish DJ and producer), and music videos have never been so sexy.  Eric Prydz hit a high note with the song, and director Huse Monfaradi hit all the correct notes with the visual, making something fun, energetic, and envelope pushing.  I mean, former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair has gone on record about it, that’s how scandalous it is.  Oh, and just so you know, I really like the red head in the black and yellow top (barely shown) and the blond (pink top) PS: The video has a sequel that is also awesome, which is near the very bottom of this post.

Artist: Aphex Twin Song: Windowlicker

One of the longest, funniest, sexiest, scariest, and strangest music videos ever.  And quite offensive too, first harshly mocking rap and hip-hop culture then paying homage to Michael Jackson and David Lee Roth’s “California Girls”.  I don’t recommend watching this for the first time if you’re intoxicated in any way.  Or is it the other way around?  (Directed by Chris Cunningham)

Artist: Weezer Song: Buddy Holly

As if it needs saying, Spike Jonze is a brilliant man.  This video was a favorite in my teens for the retro motif in visuals and lyrics, the fun and boppy nature of it all, and for being such a seamless insertion into, of all things, Happy Days.  The Fonz makes everything cooler.

Artist: The Foo Fighters Song: Everlong

Michel Gondry, again, makes an entry on this list, this time with vanilla flavored musical act The Foo Fighters, in what is one of their best songs and, by far, their best video.  The video makes little to no sense, like, what kind of drugs were they on, why the huge hand, why two men in an implied heterosexual relationship, where did the nunchucks appear from?  The list goes on, but it’s such an awesome video regardless.

Artist: God Lives Underwater Song: From Your Mouth

This is probably the only video on the list that will make you hungry.  I didn’t think about that when I chose it, but now it’s extra earned it’s spot because these things don’t usually inspire the munchies.  I very much enjoy some God Lives Underwater so when the video was released I didn’t need any additional info.  I didn’t know how great it’d be, watching an Asian attack a personal buffet in reverse, then having the band there, just looking cool and stuff.  If I were in a band I’d do a similar gimmick.  (Directed by Roman Coppola)

Artist: Röyksopp Song: Remind Me

It’s kinda scary how well the song and video go together, the main chorus and the beautiful and simplistic dissection of every day life.  Like being reminded, it’s the most basic component of a complex machine or system that becomes glaring, and multiple viewings of this video will prove different each time, different aspects of the animation and the items within standing out, a mathematical equation, almost, proving the lyrics true.  (Directed by H5)

Artist: Toni Basil Song: Hey Mickey

Directed and choreographed by who is in my eyes the original riotgrrrl, Toni Basil herself, the song is infectious and the video is iconic with the plain faced, average bodied cheerleaders and an incredibly upbeat tune for a song that is basically a huge middle finger to the titular Mickey.  I’m not going to lie to you- I find the video sexy, and I find old school Toni one of the most delicious curiosities ever.

Artist: No Doubt Song: New

While it’s not particularly deep or telling, No Doubt’s video for their entry on the Go soundtrack is one of the best “party” atmosphere videos ever.  I do prefer more difficult concepts as a starting point, but it sometimes says something in not being slightly new or different but in taking something as old as dust and improving upon it, breathing a new life into something established.  Gwen Stefani looked awesome as hell here, too.  (Directed by Jake Scott)

Artist: Skinny Puppy Song: Pro-Test

This was a struggle to pick for the list as there are lots of greats out there, but, like the Aphex Twin entry, this takes stereotypes and stands them on their heads, and I’m a huge fan of both stereotypes and standing them on their heads.  The concept is simple, the dance moves are, for all practical purposes, impossible, and message is clear: People dressing differently than you doesn’t mean they don’t have the same, exact interests.  (Directed by William Morrison)

Artist: The Cardigans Song: My Favorite Game

This video puts a smile on my face, and for more reasons than Nina Persson and her many exquisite qualities.  The song is great and the devil may care attitude of the video is refreshing, all others being about caring bunches and tons.  The humor is unexpected, as is the rock, car crashes, and crumpled bodies, and I don’t care who you are or what your name is, those things inspire a chuckle or two.  (Directed by Jonas Akerlund)

Artist: The Prodigy Song: Smack My Bitch Up

Like the last video this one is directed by Jonas Akerlund, but is the much more disturbed older sister with truly no concept of sanity or safety.  It took a a risk with the disgusting nature, first person POV, and quick, manic cuts, but the song matching intensity, vivid colors, and phenomenal twist at the end send this vid to the stratosphere, and does so with a APB out on it and a sexy, sexy partner in the bed with it.

Artist: Pat Benatar Song: Love Is A Battlefield

Another classic video, another I first became acquainted with as a child (I would only ever watch Nickelodeon and MTV) and loved for the story telling aspect mixed with the obvious cheese that comes with being from the year 1984, which creates a teen angst rock opera so irresistible you’ll want to shake your cans at a scummy pimp the next time you see one.  (Directed by Bob Giraldi)

Artist: Fiona Apple Song: Criminal

Scandalous for no reason other than low amounts of brain activity in the general public, what is actually just a sensual and cool video had an unrequested but welcome intensity tacked on it, and though being good a great video does not make, add Fiona herself with the sultry vocals and fantastic song (the whole album is killer) debuting herself to the world, and yes, this video is tops.  PS: I’d like to exhaust her with my sex.  (Directed by Mark Romanek)

Artist: Metronomy Song: A Thing For Me

How did it take so long for this to happen?  Yes, put the lyrics on screen.  Yes, help us keep rhythm.  Yes, make visual jokes with it.  I adore this video, the cute girls in the video, the clever shots, the awesome song, and everything about it.  I’m not too hot on much else the band has done, but like how it takes only 1 thing to tear something down, it sometimes takes only 1 thing to build something up.  (Directed by Megaforce)

Artist: Yeah Yeah Yeahs Song: Maps

A real work of art, director Patrick Daughters did the smartest thing humanly possible for a struggling band, and that is make the most basic video possible while still being visually interesting.  No special effects, no random story, no quick cuts to make the band look as cool as possible, nothing!  It is just 2 dudes and a chick on a stage, playing a song.  They’re not even moving around erratically or trying to be fashionable with their instruments, because it’s always easier to add than it is to take away, and where the simple  nature of the video leaves the song bum rushes in and really paints the canvas here.

Artist: Kissing Tigers Song: So Stay In Love

I would honestly be shocked if anyone reading this has ever seen this video, or even heard of the band for that matter!  Well, they’re an excellent band and the video is endearing and adorable and yes, it’s great.  The reveal at the end is awesome, I think, and while it’s not the first time a band has made a cameo in their video by playing a show at some juncture in the tale, I think this video took a budget and got 5x the quality as another band or director would have.  (Directed by Jeycob Carlson)

Artist: DJ Shadow Song: Six Days

Beautiful, seductive, and trippy, this video is more than just a sampler of director Wong Kar Wai’s prowess.  In fact, this is probably the only video on the list that could be swapped out for another, because the lyrics of the song wrapped in the “Love Is A Battlefield” visuals lends quite well to Pat Benatar.  Really, though, what a gorgoeous and fitting motif for the song, and my how lovely everything looks!  Also, Bruce Lee quotes?  Yes.

Artist: Lisa Loeb Song: Stay (I Missed You)

The face, the body, the glasses!  Yeah, my main girl Lisa may seem like a pop culture blip on many less discerning radars out there, but in reality she is an amazing performer second to her being an amazing song writer.  This video in it’s single shot brilliance feels more like a diary entry than an invitation inside the desolate apartment, but once there the end result is the same- you’re smitten as hell, and happy to be so.  (Directed by Ethan Hawke)

Artist: Jamiroquai Song: Virtual Insanity

“What the h. is wrong with you?!” I ask anyone who doesn’t think this video is as amazing and groundbreaking as it obviously is.  I mean, maybe you don’t like the song, okay, but the technology of the room being walked about is both deceptively simple and stunningly pretty, and at the core of things that’s really what you want in the visual companion to a piece called “Virtual Insanity”.  I know I’m not wrong.  “Ground breaking” is the first two words I’d use, and my third would be “Jealous!”  (Directed by Jonathan Glazer )

Now, without any further ado, the videos that, in spirit, also made the list.

Artist: The Smashing Pumpkins Song: 1979

(Be sure to also check out the sequel video, Perfect)

Artist: The Smashing Pumpkins Song: Ava Adore

Artist: The Hughes Corporation Song: What A Feeling

(This is the sequel to the Eric Prydz video above)

Artist: Yeah Yeah Yeahs Song: Y Control

Artist:  Björk Song: Hyperballad

Artist:  Björk Song: All Is Full Of Love

I want to completely absorb you. I want to press myself into your emaciated, worn frame&just take every ounce you have to give. We play dumb games, feeding the inner children we so heavily refuse to give up. We do everything heavy. The drugs, the kisses, the mischeif. I tease, you tease. I laugh, you smirk. Laying back flat against the suede couch, i watch in anticipation as you come foreward, hands clutching a smoking cigarette. I want to tell you to put it out on my body, mark me. But you have marks all over your weathered body,&i wonder if the novelty of it all would irritate me someday as it does you. Aquarian eyes set upon my dual-toned own &all i can think about is those crushing kisses you produce. You allow me to be silly&18, to play with you&draw landscapes all over your exposed torso.I allow you to be 20&talk to me in an experienced, well versed tone as you stroke my hair. I am youth, you are age. You are risk, &i am right there with you. At an edge, we race to the end to see who can get their first, as opposed to that whole, “i’ll jump if you jump” concept. I love this twisted game of pushing&pulling we play. We either give too much or not at all. I am so self ingulgent, i want all of your doom&gloom to myself. I want to capture that air of complete havoc you bleed&sweat. I want to taste every inch of pale white flesh you have to offer, to feel your heartbeat against my ear again. I feel you pulling me down&i want nothing but more force in order to go down with you faster. It is so terrible, but i would not want to be helped. I want to fall. I want to dive with you, if only for a little while. Detatached from everything, you are intrinsicly binded to anything that makes me shiver with anticipation. You stray, i stray. &when we return, we are both there again. Engaged, excited, ecstatic. I have many new areas for you to conquer. &you come with the promise of new skin as well. Let’s embark.

It occurs to me that this boy can make even days with work shifts until 11:30 pm seem not as bad, even bordering on amazing. It also occurs to me that i have very much fun with him, even if we are just parked in front of some beautifully scenic location, smoking cigarettes&whatever else. I saw some College Park kids today, whilst hanging with one too, i suppose. &i have to say, good days, or parts of days, like this one need to happen far more often. This is the second day in a row that i’ve seen him, &the second day in a row that i’ve been supremely content. He showed me his lyric book, a gesture i wasn’t expecting since he is such a naturally reclusive person. I never took that Martinez delta as a destination of choice, until now. It strikes me as odd that i, Elisa, who can’t sit still through a 30 minutes sitcom, can lay perfectly content in the passenger seat of a silver car with a boy that i have come to very much enjoy. The day was beautiful today, anyways. The gray clouds seemingly perfectly still over our heads, the cold coarsing through me at first, then numbing my entire body. The cigarette smoke winding up from the drivers wheel, where he so lazily leaves his left hand for manuevering. His right hand is always, without fail, in the same spot everytime we are in the car. Layed palm up to the left of my leg, encompassing my left hand.

This feels so good, it’s almost ridiculous.

I absolutely love the way you can drive using just one hand, stoned out of your brain. Your other hand would definitely be located palm up next to my left leg,&my left hand would surely be placed upon it. I love how your ear candy of choice is death metal, but even more than that, i love that when i am in the car you put techno on instead. Crytal Castles. I like the early morning cold that made me shiver in your backyard, &how you didn’t mind that the ashes of my cigarettes carelessly fell onto the floor instead of the ash tray you set on the table. I love that first kiss, restless, impatient&unsure. As terrible as it may sound, i love how needily you crushed your lips against mine. I love the fact that your hands don’t greedily roam all over my body like every other boys’s hands have done. Yours only grasp eagerly, but complacently. You kiss with experience, but lined with a virginal excitement that is uncharacteristic for your older, much more knowledgeable personality. Your addictions, past&present, do not shine through in our conversation. I thouroughly adore how your lungs expand&fill with smoke as you inhale from the pipe, &how your kisses taste of a cocktail made from weed&nicotene, &something resembling apprehension. Your 20 years eclipse my 18, but you indulge my silly playful mannerisms with retaliation&appreciation. You give just enough assurance to quench several of my questions&fears, but not enough to be overbearing. I am a part of your universe, not the entirety, which is a well recieved change of pace. Your eyes are not glacier blue, but instead the color that fills the sky behind a snowy mountain several elevated feet above ground level. They are a pale blue lined with deep gray. Fear mixed with insecurity&guilt. But i love your smile. &i love how your presense, which i’ve had 4 years to call familiar, makes me feel at ease enough to let loose,&try to win one of those smiles aimed my way. I love your intelligent word play, the fact that you own many $10 dollar words&can actually utilize them correctly. I love the light chocolate of your hair, a contrast to any other boys’ mane i’ve indulgintly run my fingers through. You are slightly detached, genuinely greatful for any comfort i can muster, &decievingly charming.  In addition to your many addictions, you yourself are like a drug. Beautiful, delicious, comforting, decieving, deteriorating, unpredicatable, possibly lethal.

“You look like a beautiful Courtney Love, getting a call from her Kurt Cobain.”

Days where i am this ridiculously elated are few&far between. I mean, i understand i play extremes, but holy shit. This. Is. Ridiculous.
Let me get the boring shit out of the way first.
I am going to AI or AU next fall, there is no question to this. I am filling out FAFSA tomorow or Sunday. I know my parents will be a little pissed about this, but community college just isn’t my thing. Neither is academia. Which may sound like an excuse, but i only thrive when i’m doing something creative. So, that’s what i want to do. That’s what i’m motivated to do.  It is what i can actually commit to&am motivated to do.
So, it is what i shall do. I don’t need to be like Patricia, with her two years of community college, then 2 years at state. Nope. She is not me, &i am not her. I am not Monica, either. I’m not about to join the military.
No. I am Elisa. &this is what Elisa will do. Instead of just trying to please&stay on a safe route.
So, that’s the boring part.
The next part is….i can’t even put into words.
I’ve been smiling to myself all day.
I hung out with Garth today before he left again to move shit back&forth between Eureka. At first we were just walking this really thin line where we were pretending as if nothing had happened. But then i couldn’t stand it anymore, i had to bring it up. &after he talkedeverything out, helped me understand…i just, he just makes me so happy.
I know it’s terrible, but the taste of his lips on mine again, &the urgency of his hands, it was all just so wonderful.&i have no idea why i’m so patient&understanding this time around. I’ve never been this way about any other guy. Which sounds so terribly cliche, but i only mean that with every other boyfriend i’ve been really demanding&needy. However, with him, i’m just very understanding. I don’t know if i love him. That’s a big, strong word. &i’m not sure i know how to use it properly yet. But laying on his couch, playing around, i’ve rarely ever felt so at ease. He’s great. Flaws&all. Errors, addictions&troubles included. I’ve never wanted the “other person” to be so happy, ever. I understand that we’re not going to jump back in, intensity&all like it used to be. it will take time, &whatever, it might not even work. But what i do know is that in this very moment, right now, i am so beyond ecstatic. I was ecstatic from the moment i got out of his car&walked to Eliza’s work. I’ve got so many images spinning in my head. His goodbye kisses, the first kiss, all the kisses in between, i wish i could preserve all the memories as clearly as i see them now. The slight hicky on the lower left of my neck, right near my collarbone. His glacier blue eyes, the way he smirked dissaprovingly at my taunts. The feeling of his warm breath on my neck as he nuzzled into me, shaken&a little distraught. How i felt i could actually comfort him. The way he just laughed when i danced around him in the backyard. Oh my god i could go on forever.

“…then he started dated someone completely opposite of me. Short, blonde, Angela. I am tall, brunette, Elisa.”

&all he did was hold me&kiss me. &for whatever reason, it was a message i got loud&clear. I want to keep all of the dialouge stored in my mind. All the adjectives he used. Bewitching. God. Moments like this come few&far between. &with them come some degree of clarity.
He has just made me exceptionally happy today.

It probably helps that all i’ve ingested today is dank, nicotene, coffee,&a rockstar.
&spending the afternoon fooling around with Eliza aided as well. We are frantic&loud&beligerant, &it is everything i love.

Lovelovelovelove.

Make’s my blogs incoherent&stupid. This is why i only really write when i am feeling negatively.

I just couldn’t help myself today.

this is the last post that’s going to appear on this blog. i know this blog is quite recent, but i feel a need for change.

the reason for this is that over the last week, few days or so, i’ve thought a lot about many things. about friendships, family, the future. and i now realize that what i’ve always wanted to find has always been inside me. it’s just that all that happened around me kept me from finding it. i now know who i want to be and who i really am. and i’m happy, and i feel beautiful.


so with this change in my thoughts, feelings, dreams, and basically, everything about me, a change in everything around me comes as well. and so i feel the need to move on from this blog because here, i wrote many things that i no longer feel or think. i’ve let go of many things for the past few weeks, and i’ve never felt lighter.

so with these changes, there are still a few things to do. but i will get them done before this year ends. i’m excited for what’s to come. i’m ready for new challenges and know that i’m gonna be okay.

i feel complete. i feel free. i feel happy. i finally feel happy.

I have been superbly fooled again this morning. Well, is it being fooled if you know what you are believing is bullshit? Although i suppose i am not necessarily believing anything, just carrying on what seems like a very normal, almost cheerful conversation with company that, oh you know, broke my little teenage heart surprisngly hard for such a brief fling.
Garth Calvin Fjarli, Eliza was right. You know exactly what to say to make girls fawn over you.  Here i am, afterall, waiting for a response. All anxious&vigil, as was my custom with our texting sessions. Because that’s all we really used to do, anyways.
&what i am expecting from your Humboldt County ass, anyways?
An apology, an admittal, a confession?
I wish.
Oh, the phone lit up. Let’s see how my mood will swing in time with whatever the text reads.
No
Fucking
Way.

“…i’m on a bus on my way to the bay…”

Really?
Well, shit.
Coincidentally. I am in the bay as well. Wierd. Shit.

Now, let’s ruin through the emotions i just felt.

Happy
Hopeful
Defensive
Questioning
Defensive
Defensive
Fake defensive
Defensive

So, you’re going to be back in town. That’s cool. Maybe we can hang.
Only, if i hadn’t of started this conversation, i doubt you would’ve texted me saying you were down here. Thus, eliminating the chance to hang out. Therefore leading me to think that you don’t want to chill anyways.

Why?
I want to know, in explicit terms, what the hell i did wrong?
Because i assure you, i treated this dumb, drug addicted boy better than i treated any of my other ex boyfriends. I made sure i was understanding, present, even monogamous. That last one might not be a big deal to anyone, but for me it is huge. I have this really great knack for cheating on all of my boyfriends.
But not him!
Nope, i was prefect. Or i thought.

Maybe it’s like that whole thing with Michael Quinlan&me. He just doesn’t do it for me.

Maybe…i just don’t do it for him.

Anymore, that is.

He was “in love” with me for the past 4 years.

But, things change.

Damn.

Today feels wierd.
I feel wierd.
I talked to Garth. If you call 22 exchanged text messages in the early AM talking.
I found it really way too coincidental that he would text me back right after i watched Reqeium for a Dream. Because he’s the one that suggested that movie to me. &he’s the one who’s life mirrors the main character’s life in the movie.
I just don’t know what to make of any of it.
Actually, that’s a huge lie. I know exactly what it means.

Nothing.

I think. At least, that’s what i keep trying to tell myself, in order to avoid getting my hopes up like everytime before. He was thankful for me being forgiving. Which is a kind of lie in itself. It’s not that i forgive him for fucking me over&playing with me a little. I just can’t stand feeling negatively towards him. I feel like he hasn’t warrented it, for some reason. That’s probably really stupid&illogical. But i can’t force myself to hate him.
No, i could never hate him. I only truely hate one person, Jordy.
Or, excuse me, Jordan, as he’s told all of his college friends to call him.=]

Anyways.
He appreciates the forgiving thing. &there’s something in the way he talks that sounds genuine&sweet, which is all bad&i know that. I know not to get sucked in. It’s hard, but i’m trying. So we exchanged a few texts, i tried to give him some advice. Naturally it took him 10 minutes to respond to every sent text, another one of his winning charms[sarcasm, friends].
The exchange ended at 3 AM. I told him i had to go to bed, &he responded,
“Goodnight.Sweet dreams kid.”

It caught me a little off gaurd. Kid was a name we used to use frequently back when we “were something”. I’m really not trying to read anything into this, i swear. It’s just, my mind wonders. Why not just say “goodnight”? His usual route when conversing with me is one of a little detatchedness&shortness, so why not use that logic again? Why sneak in a gentle jab at a very sore spot?
I don’t know. No one does. I’m sure not even he does.
He wont text back today, or tomorow, or ever, if history repeats itself.
No part of me believes that he wants to try things over again with me. Every text i sent included the phrase “as your friend.”
My own defense mechanism.
However, i wont lie. A part of my greatly wishes he would. There’s a little tug at my heart everytime i think of him. I’m not sure why this is. I’m not necessarily hurting over him right now, but he’s really got this great knack for making me long for him. It’s terrible.&a little distressing.
But the logical side of me knows nothing is coming from this. This side knows he is still 400 miles north, still living with a girl he claims to hate, still using heavy drugs, still cutting, still wallowing in a huge pool of self pity&self loathing.

Something notable though, is how that first text make me shake.
Like, severe shivering. I was trembling hardcore. This never happens to me, ever. Even when i’m high, it’s more of just little chills&shivering.
This was straight up shaking. I could barely hold my hands still enough to text back.

Something got me to, though.

FUCK.

I’m writing this in the library of my school. Which feels a little wierd, but whatever. There’s a little timer on the bottom of the page that tells me i’ve got exactly 54 minutes&28 seconds left.27, 26, 25…
So, i missed you today.
Garth fjarli. I did, unfortunately. In fact, in a sleep deprived, 7:47 AM state of mind, i even wrote out a text that i wanted to send you. But, i didn’t. I saved it in my drafts&told myself i’d send it later, while at school. I told myself i’d press that little coaxing green ’send’ button once i was in the safety of that huge elevated quad, smoking a cigarette to quench my anxiety. But i didn’t. I thought it over, &decided it was not that great of an idea. Not much is when it comes to you, actually. It never was. How i got so wrapped up in our psuedo long distance ‘relationship’ is very much beyond me.  Oh how i longed to be different than all of the other girls that came before me. I made up alot of excuses for you. They are as follows:
‘He’s really depressed.’
‘He’s in a drug induced haze. He’ll come around.’
‘He’s confused.’
‘This is a test. Stick it out.’
‘Well, he says he’s loved me since freshman year, maybe i AM different.’Wrongwrongwrong.

I don’t believe in that whole “once a cheater, always a cheater” thing. If i did i’d have to write myself off. However, i do believe that whole “once a bipolar manic depressive druggie, always a a bipolar manic depressive druggie” thing.

If one existed.
Anyways, i find myself missing him when it’s freezing out. Sunny or cloudy. Weird, considering i only spent hot-ass summer day(s) with him. Well, unless you count freshman year, which i kind of don’t.
Regardless. It sucks.
Maybe because he was the only ‘relationship’ i didn’t end on my accord, or get bored of.

God. Whatever.

He’s gone,&i suppose it’s for the best.
Not that i enjoy doing what’s best for me, ever.
Eating is good for me, i hate eating. See?
I’ve been thinking about my aversion of what will better me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. See, i’m supposed to go dance class in 30 minutes, but i am seriously contemplating just staying here&typing out more ridiculous, irrelevant, useless shit. &this morning, when i was at the Pleasant Hill stop of the BART station, &i really wanted to get off &just walk to Eliza’s house. To hell with school, to hell with responsibility, was my thinking.

I’m not Michael Quinlan, with no goals or aspirations, but i greatly dislike school. Women’s History will do what for me, again? Some days, i just get the urge to fuck it all&just go on an adventure like i used to.
I love the feeling of ditching. Of being out when i’m not supposed to be. Terrible, terrible vice.
I have a lot of those.

Anyways, i need to be a little more responsible.
I got a job. JC Penney’s jeweley department.

Now, i have to wonder. What the fuck is this lady thinking hiring me to work in like, the most high end department of JCP?
I’ve got blue&orange in my hair. I have a shit ton of piercings, &tunnels in my ears.
I would never trust me around jewelery. Or money. Or people.
If i were her, that is.

Anyways, making money is making money, even if i do have to dress up like some working class girl. I’ve decided that if i have to dress formal i will at least put my own twist on it.

All black.
&my Edward Scissorhand boots get to be a staple of my wardrobe.

Black longsleeves, black right-above-the-knee skirts, black pantyhose, big black ass kicking boots.

Whatever. It works.
&it’ll give me time to go looking for a permanent job somewhere that i can dress however i want.
Preferably in the city. Because oneof the only shitty parts about this job is that it’s in the fucking mall, where i run the risk of bumping into one of my many enemies from DVC.
I read a quote the other day that said something along the lines of “You have enemies? Good. That meants that you’ve stood up for something you believed in , at some point.”
This makes me feel beeter. I think i’ll write it on my hand every day i work or something. To remind myself that it’s all okay.
I’d almost love to run into them. What an impression i’d make. All punked out&different than what they remember beause of my hair&attire. 
I’d be like, “You are, who, again?”
Because those assholes don’t deserve to exist in my head or memories.

Just be confident, Elisa. Just remember how much better you are than that new girl. She doesn’t even touch you…

Anyways, i start training tomorow.
I have to get all dressed up&shit. &i can’t even remember where i’m supposed to meet this ‘Vicki’ character.

So in short, today was filled with lack of motivation, intense anger, a lot of wondering, &a sense of trying to settle into the state of not knowing anything that will happen. At all.

Christmas is around the corner, and I am extremely excited. I love christmas card making, christmas present wrapping, christmas stickers, christmas trees, christmas decorations, christmas presents, christmas joy, christmas giving, christmas colours, christmas santa-like hats, christmas goodies being sold EVERYWHERE in singapore, christmas, christmas, and more christmas!

So graduation ceremony is over. So is prom. They were both more fun than I expected. Which was good. I also went to a sunny island with my parents which was good. So, here are some pictures. Cos my blog rarely has pictures. And I actually have some nice pictures to post this time. Enjoy!













Okay, off to make christmas cards. Hope you’ve had a wonderful day.

P.S. : Hi Wennie, everything will get better in time. Things happen for a reason, and God will always carry you through the tough times. You’re an incredible person, and the happiness that you’re trying to find will arrive when you least expect it. Like you told me last time: When one door closes, another one opens. So keep praying, because He always answers prayers. I love you!

She is light&i am dark
She is mellow, i am stark
A yellow dove, a dark black bird
A singing praise, a sharp toned word
She is quiet, i am loud
She is humble, i am proud
The blazing sun, the pouring rain
The calming breeze, a booming train
She is wholesome, i am a mess
She is more, i am less
A morning sunrise, a velvet night
A fan of compromise, a fan of fight
She is passive, i am aggressive
She is trusting, i am assesive
A simple tune, a complex piece
A purchased home, a house on lease
She is yours, i am not
She has settled,& i have fought

xinwei is so sweet. very unexpected and simple text, but wow. reached my heart in a whole different way. so xinwei, if you see this, hi and really, thank you. <3 and michelle, thanks too. i saw what you said on facebook. i hope you're well, and i'll definitely call you soon. <3

meeting andrew in a bit. so glad that i am. (: had such strange, colorful dreams. i had one dream where my cousin opened a bag, and a little kitten was inside. and it meowed and meowed and wouldn’t stop, and i started to wake up. then i woke up and realized that my cat was meowing, cos she wanted to get out of my room. how strange haha. brother left for SEA games training early this morning. that sucks. but i’ll be off somewhere SECLUDED this weekend. haha. pretty much not contactable unless you’re special like aaron. haha. intending on making a nice bag of goodies for him today. so i’m gonna shop for yummies and pretty things with andrew. (: andrew’s awesome just to let you know.

anyhow. will blog again later. byebye. have a good afternoon.

Chinese is finally over, so I had time to record one song for the CD. (kinda)

I’ll continue tomorrow. Hope it turns out well, cos I want it to be AWESOME. Still havn’t thought of which songs to record, but obviously some of my own. The W song, the D song, the A song, the other A song, the other other A song… They really don’t have names. Haha pathetic. Anyway, quite happy. Will probably meet Andrew on thursday which is great, cos I havn’t seen hi in too long. Not gonna see Aaron till sunday. But he was nice, and let me open my birthday present (which has been sitting on my table since october 1st). And it’s awesome, and i’m addicted. (: He’s the best. And oh yes, he finally drew on my wall. He drew a I hahaha. Representing the 22nd. (: So cute.

Good days from today onwards. Meaning a lot of time to write (FINALLY), learn to cook properly, shop, throw out A LOT of my clothes, CHRISTMAS PRESENT SHOPPING/WRAPPING/CARD MAKING, etc. (: How exciting. Okay, just one more paper to go and I’m done.

Anyhow, making a new FB account, and adding people who I actually regard as my friends. Like people I wanna be able to contact easily and all. So yes, I’m deleting all my photos and stuff from my present FB account right now. (: Okay. Sleep time soon. Night world.

I am just a huge struggle.
Click, don’t click. Does it matter? I saw the worst already. What the FUCK am i supposed to do? I don’t want to beat this girl at her own game. Fuck. I don’t even want to be in a competion with her. I want to chew her out, bad mouth her, talk shit. Do all of the things i would’ve done a year ago. But i’m not certain if it’s healthier to choke all of these emotions down&suck it up with dignity, or if it’s better to just let them all spill. Write out every nasty thought that comes to mind. I hate that it even affects me this way. I want to absolutely stop this. I don’t love him anymore.

I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE JORDAN.

I don’t love your fake ass charm, your arrogance, your new playboy persona.
I don’t love how you flirt&grind on other girls while your girlfriend knows nothing about it.
Your new girlfriend.
The one i’m comparing myself to.

I am nothing like her. This is probably her appeal to you.

I am brunette. She is blonde.
Tall. Short.
Intense.Light.
Distanced. All over you.
Troubled.Simple.
Angel. Angela.

God what i would do if i could just extract te parts of my mind that hold memories of you. What i would give to see you face to face&say,

“You are the lowest human being i know.”

To see that fucking anger light up in your eyes again, &then i’d know that i still got to you. Your nostrils would flare, &your fists would clench, &you’d want to hit me, but you’d settle for the lockers behind my head.
I know you wanted to hit me. It was so apparent. Just something else fake about you.
That innocent puppy act.

How you came to hate everything about me is an oddly fascinating thing for me to think about. You hate how i’m “punk”. Well, sophomore year, you put a post-it note on my locker with the lyrics from “Punk Rock Princess” scribbled on it.

“If you would be my punk rock princess, i would be your garage band king”

This is confusing to me. But then again, many things about you are.

Dear Jordan,
Today, i flushed those emerald earrings you gave me down the toilet. It felt good, that release. I think it’s the last thing associated with you that i still owned. Besides that big brown dog. I still can’t bring myself to throw away a stuffed animal, so i’ll give him to Amber or something. You know what’s playing? “I Will Follow You Into The Dark”-DCFC. It was on a mix i gave you. You never appreciated those mixes. You didn’t listen to about 3 of them until one day this last summer when i dissapeared from you for about 3 days. It always took extremes to get you to notice me. Cutting was wrong, but i believe a part of you liked having to save me. In fact, i believe that’s one of the things that attracted you to me in the first place. You were always comparing yourself to a super hero, &i think you saw me as a victim you could save.
You couldn’t though, could you? I think that’s what ultimately drove you away.
Anyways, i’m not here to analyze our relationship. I just needed to tell you some things.
I want you to throw away those mixed CD’s i gave you. I don’t want you to store them in some box&twenty years from now find them while you’re going through your attic as your wife is asleep downstairs. The reason for this is i feel that if you were to stumble across those CD’s&notes later on, you would feel that because you spoke to me in a calm&what would seem like genuine fashion,if i didn’t know you any better, the last time we messaged, those things would make you look back on our relationship fondly. I don’t want you to think that i am memory that you can feel good about. I do not want you to smile to yourself as you see my 16 year old hand writing spelling out ‘Jordy-Rockett’ on the top of those crumpled pieces of paper. That satisfaction is not something i am willing to give to you. I am not your highschool sweetheart.
Dear Jordan, today i realized that i can’t compete with the numerous girls that have come after me, &the countless more that will come after that.
Jordan, a few weeks ago i heard “Yellow Birds&Coal Mines” by The Scene Aesthetic. A song i really associated with you. I made myself suffer through the whole thing, &i did cry. But i replayed it again, &now instead of thinking of you, i think of cold October nights. &the rain, i don’t think of you in the rain anymore. I let it wash of some of the stains you left on my heart. As cheesy as that sounds.
You used to be really cheesy. Well, the Jordy i used to know used to be really cheesy.
It’s silly to me, the ‘you’ that your ‘friends’ know today. The ‘you’ that your girlfriend(s?) knows.
Do you remember walking me to class everyday? &do you remember holding my hand in drama class? Back when you didn’t need to hog the spotlight.
I liked you a lot more then.
Loved, even.
I’m finding it difficult to write this letter, because i don’t know what tone to use since i no longer know you.
I want you to forget all about me. I don’t think you deserve to think back on the days when we were alright. I think you will look back on them&feel at peace, as though it is some part of your past that was not tainted.
But, it is.
I can’t be completely cruel, though. I would feel too terrible. You can keep one single memory, but i get to choose which one it is.
Do you remember that day we went to go see the Christmas lights near your house? The ones they do up real nice&classy so that everyone goes to look at them. &remember how we held hands as we watched the lights spinning&flickering? &i kissed your neck very discreetly, because your little sister was standing to my left, holding my hand, too. &you looked to your left, down at me,&brushed your nose against my cheek like you used to do all the time.
Well, you can keep that memory.
Look back at it fondly, or angrily, or with regret. Whichever works for you best. 
There are a lot of things i could say to you. But i’m not here to attack anymore, or start another war. I am over this enough to hold back from unleashing my arsenal of ammo in this letter, but i can recall how i felt well enough to have to write this to you at all. 
I wont re-hash anything, or go over anything that i’ve already gone over a million times.
The only thing i have left to say, really, is sorry for your loss.

Sincerely,
El
Kitty
Elisa

never think about the possibilities. void, as in empty.

thing is, i’m sinking.

but you don’t have to worry, i’ll never tell.

My life is better without him, but i can’t help but analyze&re-analyze what we had.

I feel as though i may have driven away somene who could have given me what i wanted. I walked out initially on a boy who claimed they could’ve loved me forever, or that they could’ve been everything i wanted. It’s a little distressing to think that i was the only factor in that psuedo-relationship that just didn’t work.
Is it possible that i fucked over my own happiness?
Or maybe everything just a looks a little more beautiful&do-able in retrospect.
Looking back, i could’ve handled my jealousy a little better. I could’ve held back from feeling neglected.
Is it true that i am what ultimately wrecked everything?
I don’t really believe it. I know that i could’ve done things differently. But he was no saint,either. He had issues, he had severe issues.
It is not okay to be flirting with everything with a rack&ass when you claim to “love” me. It just isn’t.
True, i may have thrown the first stone. I may have fucked up first.
But i stopped.
I started to appreciate what we had. I began to calm down, to settle.
Right around the time when he got restless.
Maybe time just wasn’t on our side?
But we never blamed anyone outside of eachother.

“You hurt me first!”

“You hurt me last!”

We were so incredibly volatile. Even i recognized that. We stopped doing anything postive for one another what seemed like years ago. I saw how much of eachother we destroyed. How, slowly, all of the love i had for him transformed into pure hatred.
He is the only person i truely hate.
I never wanted it to come to that. I loved him more than i had ever loved anyone else. He affected me greatly, &was able to tap into my highest&lowest emotions. I can’t lie about that.
But today, he does not exist to me.
It’s true, i DID hurt him first. I DID light the fire.
But as i tried to extinguish it, he fanned it.
In the process, i lost people i had considered my “friends”.
I want to be honest here, completely. So i’m not going to hold back.

They were all just followers.

 He morphed, almost overnight, into some kind of celebrity playboy within the confines of our highschool.
&i had no place in this new life of his.
He developed a fake personailty, a fake charm. I know because for the entire two years i had been with him before that, i had gotten to see his REAL charm, his REAL personailty.
I get that people change. I changed substantially that year.
But when i see him acting one way around his friends&admirers, &then he sneaks off to see me somewhere private&acts like the old him, it’s a little obvious he’s faking one of the two.

I held on to him like a pathetic dog.
He lied to me.

“Elisa, i love you. I want to be with you someday.”

Really? Then tell me why you have a new girlfriend.

“It’s not the same with her. We can date other people, but still end up with one another.”

I couldn’t bring myself to do anything with anyone else. I was so stupidly lovesick.
See how the tables turned? I wasn’t doing the burning&damage anymore.
He was.
But his friends, my old “friends”, would never see it that way. They still wont. &that’s fine now. I’ve moved past that, it was unsalvageable.

“Elisa, if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.”

I held onto that for so long. I held onto his lies. The fact that he would message me, or call almost everyday.

“You’re the only person i can really talk to about anything.”

I guess that doesn’t account for much. I guess anyone can take over that spot as long as they’re willing to shower him with praise&pretty sounding words. I did praise him, but queitly, honestly. My praise did not come in screams&yells at whatever award ceremony we were at. It came as words only slightly above a whisper. True words i wanted only him to hear. I figured it meant more that way. I must have figured wrong.
I clawed&gripped so tightly to any shred of hope i could manage to decipher amongst his angry, hypocritial words&actions.
I held on for way too long.

I held on even after his persistance for ‘my love’ dwindled after i’d given him what i suppose he had wanted all along.
I had sex with him.

He was so persistant, so upset that we hadn’t. &i was so desperate to get any of his love, to see any glimpe of the old Jordy, that i gave in.
It only paid off in the short run. The actual act was sweet&loving.
But as soon as we went to school that same day, i walked into a room only to see him with his arms wrapped around another girl on a couch.
That should’ve been a clear sign.

Let.This.Go.Now.

But i didn’t want to see what he had become. A womanizing player with a huge ego. Someone who deserted the girl who had been there for him for two years, for friends he had only known for a few weeks.

&sadly, i still held on after that.

I held on right up until he pulled the shadiest move i have ever seen anyone pull off.
I almost fell for it.

He deleted me&Amber off of myspace. It was a little wierd, because he’s still message me, &would never answer when i asked why he felt the need to delete me if he was going to just message me anyways.
Then i found out from a friend that he had had a girlfriend for about a month.

An entire month we were still talking. An entire month he still fooled me into thinking he was worth waiting for. A whole month he kept saying,

 “We’ll end up together Elisa. If it’s meant to be.”

That’s when it hit me. Clarity. Finally, it knocked me off of my feet. I was so caught off gaurd. He deleted us…so that we wouldn’t know about his new girlfriend.
I confronted him. I went off, i couldn’t keep everything, all of the anger&resentment i was feeling to myself anymore.&what did he say?

“Elisa. I need you in my life. I need you to be a part of my life to feel whole.”

No.
I was done with his lies right there.
Something inside me clicked, &i was done. I quickly wrote up a message about how i didn’t care about him anymore,how he may as well not exist to me anymore, how he is a total stranger,&how i wanted nothing to do with him ever again. &i pressed send.
The most devastating part is that i wasn’t lying about any of it. I meant every word i wrote out.

We are not meant to be, &we were never meant to be.

I may have cast the first stone, &many after that one, but he buried me alive.

Fifteen years on from the death of Nirvana front man Kurt Cobain, Dave Grohl has firmly entrenched himself in the music annals as the leader of The Foo Fighters. As Christmas rolls around artists stuck without a new release or heaven forbid a Christmas album turn towards the greatest hits compilation to help fill their stockings. “Greatest Hits” is here to keep all Foo Fighter Fan’s satisfied this holiday period.

Unlike Nirvana, who pushed boundaries with a new sound coupled with rich and youthful enthusiasm, The Foo Fighters are all about solid rock ‘n’ roll intensity using mainstream music methodology. The tracks on this compilation are easier on the ear and require less dedication than more innovative musical compositions, however the formula has keep them selling out arenas and at the forefront of radio play lists for this long so Grohl has definitely struck a chord with his working class persona.

Throughout the catalog of hits, the honesty and emotion that is invested into each track is clear and pure alongside chord progressions that are played with utmost professionalism. There are also the nods to underground along the way that separate these songs from becoming short term radio fodder lost in the cringe-worthy abyss of groups that need not be mentioned.

Click Here to Watch Everlong Video

All the standards are here with the exception of “I’ll Stick Around” which is an odd exclusion as it really started it all commercially for the group. What is included is a hit parade of radio rock favorites from the past two decades. “All My Life” the successful single from 2002’s One By One kicks off the album and over the next hour we are taken on a safe ride in the hands on masters of the trade.

“The Best of You” is a plea straight for the heart strings and arranged to maximum effect, while “Everlong” takes us back to the early days and perhaps is the finest and most durable of all the hits.  The wrenching vocals on “My Hero” show that Grohl knows how to mix it with the best upfront and “Learn to Fly” and “Times like These” are companions that highlight the band’s soaring ability to connect emotionally with the listener.

The riff fueled tracks “Monkey Wrench” and “This is a Call” could of easily become too gimmicky in the hands of lesser artists but the commitment to production and the overall sincerity of the collective see that tracks stand out with a passionate power drive. However the latter tracks and the inclusion of the obligatory extra new releases seem to highlight that the best days of the group may well be behind them. Grohl may be tiring as he is now connected with a Supergroup “Them Crooked Vultures” alongside Josh Homme and John Paul Jones.

Being known as quiet the comedian and all round nice guy could have seen Grohl front a group that plays that type of music, but it is a serious business for this musician. The music videos seem to be the outlet for the funnier side of his personality and this is definitely the cornerstone of the long-term successes enjoyed. “Greatest Hits”, will like The Foo Fighters give you good value for your time and money.

O quarteto que o Dave Grohl fundou após o fim do Nirvana lança hoje, 3 de novembro, a coletênea “Greatest Hits”, com quase todos os “greatest hits” do Foo Fighters, “Everlong” e cia + 2 novas (o velho golpe da coletânea com 2 inéditas…). Para promover a compilação, tem apresentações ao vivo no site e página da banda no Facebook.

It’s never been a better time to be Dave Grohl.

Currently moonlighting in the new “supergroup” Them Crooked Vultures, he has taken some time recently to reflect on nearly 15 years (!) of Foo Fighters with a few key projects and releases.

What’s been going on? 

Well, the obvious answer is this Tuesday’s release of the overdue Greatest Hits package, with 16 songs on CD (including the long-awaited release of the acoustic version of Everlong, along with two new songs, Wheels and Word Forward) to go along with a 21-track DVD featuring videos and live performances.

As a way of re-connecting with their fans, the band streamed a live performance on Facebook from their own studio this past Friday.  It’s a loose and relaxed session, befitting the general attitude of the band.

Equally relaxed was the VH1 Storytellers performance recorded on Wednesday, which will be broadcast beginning on November 27th. 

Check out the Reuters recap of the gig, which provides a great overview of the performance in addition to a brief synopsis of the band’s history, with a reminder of Grohl’s minimal expectations for the band he dubbed “Foo Fighters” to make people think that it was a legitimate band, “like the Ramones or the Pixies”.

Yes, Dave, you’ve got a real band and we’re glad that it’s here to stay.  Now north of 40, with a wife and two kids, Grohl has earned the right to say: “I like that we have songs that lots of different people either enjoy or dislike.” 

Personally, I’m counting on many more years of the former.

(it’s okay. i still have my secret songs that people will never discover.)

22nd month. 2 months away from 2 years. it hasn’t been easy, it will never be easy. but i know that you’re the one for me and with that said, i will never let you go. i love you.

i’m so incredibly happy.

É galera, amanhã acaba a Gincana Caça ao Desconto.

Já participou? Se ainda não, corre que dá tempo!

Ela acontece todos os dias no Twitter da T-Brasil (@t_brasil). Todas as tardes são liberadas pistas, que levam para diferentes camisetas da nossa vitrine. Nessas camisetas nós escondemos alguns cupons de descontos que você pode utilizar, para comprar a sua camiseta. Se preferir, você pode indicar para algum amigo e torcer para que ele compre. Se o seu amigo seguir o seu conselho, você ganha uma camiseta também!

Tá esperando o que? Depois não adianta vir choramingando… Quem avisa amigo é!

Mas como é de costume, vou mostrar aqui as camisetas da tarde de ontem (28/10):

Camiseta I Wish - Ayahasca

Camiseta Asa Delta - Budha Khe Rhi

Camiseta Tape - Ëverlong

Para mais informações sobre a nossa gincana, acesse: http://www.t-brasil.net/descontos

Siga a @t_brasil e entre nessa brincadeira!

8 random things to say today:

1) I’ve been telling my mommy that I love her every night. She is incredible, and I love her very much.
2) I’m very, very, very blessed to have much more than enough.
3) I keep falling in love, over and over again. I hope this is forever. I love you.
4) I feel joy when I think about what next year will bring, and how I’ll take things in my stride and actually BE HAPPY. (:
5) I can’t wait for christmas-tree-decorating.
6) I want these two weeks to pass, so I have time to write again!!!
7) I am extremely lucky to have people who love me dearly, and give me a million and one chances to better myself. Thank you, all of you.
I have a small group of friends. I love my small group of friends, because they care about me, would never ask me to do something I’m not comfortable with, would never fall out with me because I don’t do something that they do, would never judge me, or secretly hate little parts of who I am. And most importantly, I love my small group of friends because my small group of friends love me back. <3

Já está sabendo da nossa Gincana Caça ao Desconto, né?

Ela tá rolando todos os dias no Twitter da T-Brasil (@t_brasil). Lá pistas sobre camisetas são liberadas no horário da tarde! Você deve ler as dicas, e procurar as camisetas que se encaixam, na nossa vitrine. As camisetas tem cupons de desconto escondidos! É super divertido, participe!

Como todos sabem, estamos entrando na nossa última semana, ou seja, a gincana vai durar até o dia 30/10! Fique atento.

Como é de praxe, vou colocar aqui as camisetas da Segunda-Feira (26/10):

Camiseta Sunday Lazy Sunday - Aragäna Concept

Camiseta San Diego - Budha Khe Rhi

Camiseta Kill You TV - Ëverlong

Não perde tempo, estamos na última semana!!

Para mais informações sobre essa super gincana, acesse: http://www.t-brasil.net/descontos

Siga a @t_brasil e participe!