so i was on facebook today. and a conversation was started between an ex’s ex and i (if that makes sense) lol

A is the ex of J…

J and i dated about 5 years ago. got it?

anyhow,  A and i spewed some not so nice comments to each other. then i realized that this poor girl is being harrassed by J… just as i was when i broke up with him. so for the sake of woman-hood. A and i put our differences aside… and are now comrades.  why not, right? life is WAY to short to hold grudges. so i shared some advice with A about how to maintain some privacy in her life… while dealing with said ex, J… and it felt good. lol… made me realize…. damn. i got it good. my husband and i fight often. but after remembering the battles of epic proportions i used to have with J… maybe i should be grateful that my fights only consist of “you forgot to take out the trash again!” or “you forgot to call so and so and do this, that, and the other thing”

life is good. and so is my love life

i love you husband

All I can say is: Why so serious? May bagong laptop ka lang!!!!! HAHA. Maligayang pagtambay (happy bumming with you), Josh Lagandaon!

I was unprepared for the number of hits I had attracted in one of my posts (fear of deportation had crept inexorably in).  That’s really the reason why I stopped writing here.

So.  Wow.  Been one full year of silence from this blog.  I’m back, mainly because of a comment of one reader that I had to approve to get back here (that and I wasn’t deported!)

So, just to briefly run through the entire year, these are what happened:

• A lot has happened for 2009.  I met someone, fell in love with him, then he left for Sydney (and that’s the end of that).  And now, I have quite possibly found my official partner.  In the spirit of Dubai, it’s an interracial relationship and I FUCKING LOVE IT.  No.  He’s not an Arab.  I did try that out, but I don’t think it’s really going to work really.  I showed my mother his picture.  She looked like she was having difficult time swallowing the idea, but hey, that’s what she looked like when I came out to her so I know she’ll eventually get used to it.
• I’ve also started the process of “outing” myself to some select few.  It’s still a big secret to the muslim community (my sexuality).  But otherwise, to the huge population of my fellow expat friends, they know the real deal.
• Also, being too repressed here, I ended up buying a Spartacus gay guide and exhaustively exploring the following locations: Munich, Hong Kong, Paris, Rio de Janeiro, Singapore, Manila.  Acquisitions include some toys that in retrospect seem too big to possibly, er, use.
• I’ve also managed to meet with several locals and gain further insight into the culture as a whole.  I can’t speak Arabic yet.
• The crisis has hit Dubai pretty bad and there are a lot of major changes happening socially and economically to this city.  Personally, all my bonuses have been cut (boo hoo).  I have therefore given up clubbing.
• BIGGEST NEWS OF ALL:  Mommy’s in a lesbian relationship!  To make my surreal family history even MORE surreal, she’s gone into this love affair with another woman.  In fact, both of them are now probably frolicking around (among other things) in Long Island. They both already have kids so they don’t have the pressure of procreating.

I’d been thinking all day of a Christmas memory since I don’t feel as Christmas-y as before. Today has been half-baked. It’s like there wasn’t enough ruckus, the right mix of people were nowhere to be found and, I just couldn’t grasp the spirit of all that the holiday is supposed to be. To make matters worse, we didn’t have our hot chocolate. They made coffee. EFF. I couldn’t help but show my disappointment with the outcome of events. What kind of Christmas doesn’t have hot chocolate?

Anyway, I just got home and I found my dear stuffed toy, Caramba, in our back room while looking for gifts to salvage for those we donate to. And, finally, I had a Christmas memory.

Caramba was a gift to me on December 2005. He was given to me by CAT before we went to our school party (like prom but not really). I remember it being prom season. Our school didn’t have one so we both dressed up for a prom of our own. He wore this chinese-ish tux while I went out of my way to buy this amazing dress with thick horizontal white and black stripes. My mom bought me my first pair of jeweled heels for the occasion.

We were the only ones in the whole school dressed up that way. It was really special. I got my prom, my dress, and my first stuffed toy present. Caramba’s partner, a pink bunny I named Aubrey (short for Strawberry), I found on my bedside the following morning. CAT had given it to my roommate to sneak onto my bed as I was sleeping.

God, I was ecstatic. One of the best Christmas feelings ever.

I think it’s timely for me to find my little brown bunny again. He may not have one of his ears anymore but he still is meaningful. He makes me think that maybe, this Christmas is worth salvaging. Thank you God and Christmas memory!

God this is depressing.

I’m 4 years late in apologies. I’m 4 years late in saying sorry for the CRAP I RAINED ON YOU. Sorry for the way I hurt you like I did. Sorry that I didn’t have the guts to face you myself and let the words come out. Sorry that the words you deserved never surfaced. I was cowardly. I’m sorry that I can’t talk to you though I TRY MY BEST, I close the window every fucking time. I am still afraid of talking with you because I have since learned to avoid truths.

I AM SO SORRY. And I’m still haunted by the sorry I never actually gave you. I’m sorry for brushing it off and thinking all would be okay. I guess I’m still dwelling on it even though I’m not supposed to. You’re probably better off in your situation than I am. I’d be ecstatic for you knowing that was the case. I do still want your happiness.  The guilt and this wish to get back our friendship, at the least, resonates. It’s fucking sad. It’s goddamn fucked up. I am all screwed up.

I was hoping not to see you because then I wouldn’t have to think that I was obligated to explain. I’m bad at explanations. They always seemed to be a means of defense. Like I had something to be ashamed of. Like I did something wrong. It’s the denial talking.

I wish we could talk. I wish we could be friends because you’re the only one I can’t seem to bring myself to give a simple “hi” to.

I screwed myself. So much had happened today that I can’t seem to make sense of it all. It was just a measure of extremes, I guess. Yes. I had ultimate highs and craptastic lows.

I arrived in school at around 730 to finish my Theology paper and wait until I met up with Olops to go to the UP Lantern Parade. Suzette was supposed to go but she had an event to go to–something required for class. Anyway, I waited and typed and hung around the Katipunan area for hours until around 5 noon (because it rained a bit and I was having too much fun talking with my dear long-lost friend). By the time it was 5, I went to UP. Met up with Olops et al (AKA High School schoolmates, classmates, friends, alumni, and acquaintances). My friends trickled in slowly but, by the end of the night, it was practically a reunion. I was really happy. INTENSELY happy. We hadn’t gone out in such “huge” numbers since…freshman year. So, there’s the good part.

(Believe me. There was more of US. This wasn’t a picture of EVERYONE I KNEW AND MISSED in the parade).

Bad/sad part:

1.) Communication mess up with my parents. No more prepaid credits and no one I was with had prepaid credits. No place around was selling the damn prepaid credits. PLUS, the network connection was fucked up. My dad told me later that he and mom and my aunt kept calling since around 8 but couldn’t contact me. THUS, I extended my stay in UP for an hour. It was unintentional but still. They were ridden with worry. They go t angry and paranoid. I can’t help but agree with them in their judgment. I’m grounded (though self-imposed) because I wasn’t myself. I didn’t find a good enough way to contact them and alleviate their worry. I was too caught up with my friends that I forgot about them. Most people would love to have parents who actually WORRY about them. I’m quite lucky. So, I guess, this means I’ll be LOA from the outside world for a month or so.

2.) I saw CAT today.

3.) My birthday’s exactly a month away today. I can’t take this shit feeling right now. I SHOULDN’T BE CRYING. Please let things get better. This isn’t what I wanted and, lately, coincidence has it that I be unlucky. That people appear suddenly and make things hard.

I woke up today at around 12 noon after having different dreams concerning my friends and their respective problems. Thesis was over and done with yesterday but, today, I just feel like a bigger and much heavier weight has been put on my shoulders.

People tell you to just steer clear of people and situations that you’re SURE won’t be good for you. I think I’ll take that advice. I’ll put the Beatles back on loudspeaker and sleep to the cathartic and murderous sentiments of Maxwell’s Silver Hammer.

Bang! Bang! Maxwell’s silver hammer came down upon his head.

Bang! Bang! Maxwell’s silver hammer made sure that he was dead.

I was so much more carefree three weeks ago. Now, I’m just heavy.

I want you. I want you so bad. I want you. I want you so bad, it’s driving me mad. Driving me mad.

She’s so. HEAVY!

Lesson for the day:

No guy is worth sacrificing friendships for.

I’ve only been back here (the blogosphere) for some 4 days and I’ve come up with the wisest and most cliched moral lesson. It’s like coming up empty-handed. Like knowing that you know it but knowing that knowing isn’t enough because practice is different from knowing (This is the St. Anselm ontological proof of God’s existence talking).

Q: But if person A is your friend, and he’s  a guy, would you sacrifice your friendship for person B, who is also a guy?

A: I WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH EVERYBODY. HAHA.

Speaking seriously, people who know me well are aware of the fact that I hate fights and all other such crap. I don’t like animosity. I don’t like hostility. I don’t like estrangement. I don’t like badly made assumptions. I don’t like lies. I don’t like finding out bad things said about me from other people. I don’t like being hated. Hate is, after all, such a strong and burdened word.

I want to be friends with everybody and God knows I’ll do everything in my power to keep disruptions of peace at bay.

After going through 6 different Beatles albums. After typing some million words (I bet). After eating only twice. After staring at the computer screen for 6 and a half hours straight. I WILL BATHE.

Not that I didn’t bathe when I got up at 11 this morning.

I finished the first draft of my thesis at 8:39. That’s some 3 hours ago. I’m ecstatic but still have got a lot of work waiting to be finished. Honestly, I don’t think I’m going to think of that now or later. Stress and work are two things I just want to avoid for a while.

On a different note, can I just ask WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?I know that I’m a flirt when the time calls for it but c’mon. You’re not supposed to go out on dates with your ex-boyfriend right? Is there a rule book somewhere out there with that written on it because I really need advice right now. I think I’m thinking too much or not thinking at all. I feel stupid.

Dammmit. Stupid giddy girl watching clouds pass by with stupid little boy. Damn long hair.

HAHA. I’m not making sense again. DAMMIT.

Dopo aver crackato il limite che ci è stato imposto dal sito Ex-Files, ovvero la fascia oraria dalle 22:00 alle 4:00 per il download diretto, ora se non si è utenti a pagamento non si possono più scaricare nemmeno i torrent. Come si suol dire, ci hanno sgamato.

Nel computer avevo qualche torrent, tre per l’esattezza, e riguardano Windows 7 Ultimate x64, Windows 7 Home Premium x86 (32 Bit) e Windows Starter x86 (32 Bit), la versione per i mini-pc.

Ho hostato i torrent sullo SkyDrive e li potete scaricare a questo indirizzo; purtroppo non è possibile caricare gli iso, perchè la dimensione massima è 50 mega per file, e andrebbero quindi spacchettati, inoltre personalmente trovo più comodo un download via torrent che uno di 50 file .rar da unire in un unico iso.

Per ora siamo sul risultato di parità, Keep Them Far ® 1 – 1 Ex-Files.
Vedremo come andrà a finire, per ora possiamo dire di essere nell’intervallo.

La soluzione è molto semplice quanto stupida! Avremmo potuto pensarci prima!
Basta semplicemente spostare l’ora del sistema alle 22:01 e avviare il download. Magicamente potrete scaricare il file, e non appena avrete finito potrete rimettere l’ora corretta.

Provvederemo comunque a caricare i file sullo Skydrive, così da avere due alternative, anche perchè potrebbero trovare un altro sistema per impedire il download.

Aggiornamento del 23/11/2009, 18:50

Vi consigliamo vivamente di usare i torrent invece che il link diretto, perché, anche se il download con questo metodo è circa dieci volte più lento (il che fa cadere fa letteralmente cadere le palle), potrete inserire subito l’ora giusta, e far ripartire il download nel caso che siate stati costretti a spegnere il computer, invece che lasciarlo acceso in una tirata unica. Inoltre potrete farlo andare tutta la notte, perché anche modificando l’ora o uscendo dal lasso temporale imposto da Ex-Files, il download non verrà interrotto.

Countless hours of worrying, wondering, thinking, debating, hoping, praying, writing…spent on you. Us. Worrying that I’d made a mistake. Wondering if we were really meant.  Thinking that it would work out with time.  Debating on how long I should hold on.  Hoping you’d come around.  Praying for a sign as to what I should do.  Writing poem after poem after poem about what was.  Its a hard pill to swallow, because this is the end of a loooong thing. We can’t be friends because we don’t know how to be.  Blurred those lines back in 03…and 05…and 08.  I look back now and see that I settled.  Not for you, but for how you treated me.  Which is probably why things wound up as they did.  Asking God for a sign and he gave me 3000 miles and months without anything and yet I’m still asking. Fuck…I wasn’t trying to give you up.  *shrug*  But.  Now. And I say this with 100% sincerity, I wish you well and I hope you one day find what I’ve found.  I’ve loved you for so long I don’t know how not to.  You were there, literally, when I couldn’t go to others and I’m forever grateful.  But.  I can’t.  I can feel you changing towards me.  I won’t give him up for you, noooo way.  And don’t feel bad. We were both at fault. It was what it was, and now…it just can’t be.

-the stars are always yours.

Jess

Can my ex-boyfriends please get out of my brain? The respectful butler named Arnold living inside the mansion in my head would gladly escort you out of the mahogany doors my brain money invested in. Also, feel free to take all of your belongings with you as you move along. In the dining area you will find all the necessary provisions for your journey to Anywherebuthere. Simply pick up each bag (labeled respectively) and walk out. Just walk the fuck out of my brain. You have made me crazy. You have made me so crazy that listening to John Mayer when he was actually good pains me now. I’m so damned crazy I write cheesy poetry in my notebooks and I admit to things I don’t believe I would’ve admitted to when I was settling back into my single hood. I am so crazy I am opening the door and pushing–yes, pushing–you out. Screw the respect. Screw the imaginary butler. GET THE HELL OUT!

(PS: This isn’t at all cathartic. Neither was the poetry. I’m quite sure that I’ll still be as sentimental about my ex-boyfriends immediately after I write this. God, single-dom is suddenly dawning on me. It’s like a sickness.

Honestly, I like being single but it only makes me miss being in past relationships. Take note of the word “past” in there. There hasn’t been a single guy at present that has made an impression or is actually attempting to make an impression on me. I’m at that stage where I’m just turned-off by men and pheromones. Point is, if I had the chance to get back to particular pasts, I think I’d take that opportunity immediately. Irrationally. Stupidly.

:| Can I please just sleep now? I want to forget for a while. Until 3 in the afternoon tomorrow/later.