I woke up this morning after a lovely lie in and decided that this weekend was goin g o be full of me doing good, productive things like reading books, watching films and baking- I also decided that I should get my arse out of the house so we scraped the snow off the car (oh yeah people, it’s snowing!) and I went into town to do some shopping/browsing. The one good thing about HMV closing down is that everything’s on sale so I popped in there and came away with copies of ‘The Wicker Man’ and ‘The Wicker Tree’ both of which I’ve been meaning to buy for ages (as I type this I’m realising how much of a Pagan cliché I sound… haha.)

I promised that I’d write about my party, so here is a brief account (sadly no pictures- none of them were very good… actually, most of them involved me doing dubious things and the last place I want those to go is the internet!)

I spent most of Saturday cleaning my house from top to bottom and moving all the breakables away in preparation for about 30 seventeen year olds- then Cee came around and we got ready together before the first guests rocked up, it really didn’t take long for the house to fill up and I was soon feeling a little stressed- although I did very much enjoy being hostess (meant I could swan around dropping into various conversations and cracking jokes before gliding away) it wasn’t so fun when me and Cee had to go for a little wander around the streets to check no-one was lost in what felt like sub-zero temperatures.

It was a pretty chilled party, I opened my lovely presents (I am now scarf lady- seriously, do I give of a scarf-vibe or something? Cos I now own eight in total- I’ve taken to wearing two at the same time to combat the cold weather.) And then we had a quick game of epic hide and seek before I stumbled upon my new best friend: alcohol free cider! It scared a few people to see me drinking and I had to quickly reassure them that it was okay and I wasn’t going to collapse at any moment.

There was general craziness and dancing and then more craziness before the rabble faded away at about eleven, leaving only a select few sat in the living room: myself, Callum, Cee, Mr. N, Mike, Mercutio and Romeo arranged ourselves in a loose circle and started playing a very worrying game of ‘truth or dare’ that involved terrifying and worrying things- the only fun part was when Romeo had to kiss all the ladies on the cheek and I caught him out by giving him one on the lips (I promise an article on stage-kissing and the R+J experience will be coming shortly) which made us both laugh. The slightly more dubious parts involved having honey licked off my stomach by Mercutio and… oh god, I can’t even type it… kissing Callum… urgh! And yes, the ‘urgh’ was well deserved, I feel awful but it was a very, very bad kiss- it was supposed to go on for thirty seconds but I pulled away after ten and sat with my head in my head shrieking as Romeo laughed at me.

Really hoping he still doesn’t want to have sex with me…

Anyway, once we’d finished with our horrible game we had some toast and then decided that it would be a great idea to walk to MacDonald’s at three in the morning- cue us all wrapping ourselves in blankets and scarves in an attempt to ward off the cold and then marching into the middle of town- by the time we’d gotten there none of us were really hungry and ended up stood outside whilst Callum was forced to queue for some chips. We had a lovely chat with the bouncer who thought we were all mental for being dressed in blankets before bidding each other goodnight and heading back to our respective homes.

Cee and myself did a quick clean-up of my downstairs when we got back and then headed upstairs for a well needed kip. We woke up at about midday, she left for home and more sleep and I showered, dressed and moved onto stage three of the clean up… this was interrupted after about an hour by my sadistically cheerful cousins turning up on my doorstep (seemingly with the sole purpose of making fun of me) so they came in, had a cup of tea and inspected the boxes of empty bottles from the night before. I managed to get rid of them after a couple of hours and then settled down for a subdued evening of hot chocolate and ‘Ripper Street’.

Whew, so that was my eighteenth- now I’m mildly on top of things life-wise I’ll write something thought provoking and intelligent… watch this space!

’til next time,

Wren x

Firstly I had a little jaunt down to London for an interview at Queen Mary’s University- as per usual I did something to embarrass myself- this time it was standing up and doing an improvised, mimed workout routine during the middle of the interview- bear in mind that the interview consisted on me and one woman sat in a small office- I was stood there casually doing squats whilst my brain screamed at me to STOP IT AND SIT DOOOOOWN!!! Which I eventually did… she seemed to take it pretty well and laughed instead of giving me a horrified stare so I think I got away with it

Once the interview was done I met up with the Father Bear who took me for a burger in Wetherspoons and then twas onwards back up to Yorkshire- but not before I managed to take out half a tube carriage (seriously, blame whichever moron put the bloody handrails on the ceiling- means that although trains and Londoners stop moving at each station midgets do not…)

Journey back involved me desperately trying to do the last of my psychology revision (exam this Wednesday… argh!) which I eventually managed, even despite the rocking of the train and my random nausea.

Thursday saw me getting my head down to pick out some monologues in preparation for my Guildhall and RADA auditions- it also saw me finding the light in the end of the tunnel regarding my singing woes, this light came in the form of Tybalt (AKA the god of musicals) who eased me through finding my range and told me which musicals to avoid using songs from- all I need to do now is firm up my choice of song and get over my serious singing phobia

Then, on Friday the 11th of January I turned 18- oh yeah, the big one-eight! I celebrated in style by falling asleep in psychology (whilst sat opposite the teacher- apparently she and the rest of the class just stared at me for a couple of minutes until I woke up and then laughed at me…) and then we wandered down to the chippy for birthday chips and I nipped into the shop and bought ALCOHOL! The dude on the till was lovely and wished me a happy birthday, I was all cheery and excited, my mood was only improved by bumping into my primary school headteacher as I left the shop with my carrier bag full of booze- he stared at me for a while before seemingly recognising me and then staring at my drinky in shock.

We ended up down in drama with chips and other lovely things, I then spent the afternoon chilling on the sofas in sixth form with my lovely friends and Tybalt + Benvolio.

*deep breath*

THEN I spent a little time afterschool down in drama with Mercutio and Romeo messing around with wheely chairs and broom handles (minds out of the gutter please…) before wandering home to open my lovely, lovely presents and then going out for pizza with some more of my friends- the only bad moment of the day was when I mistook someone walking past us for my friend Bee, who took her own life about two months ago- I hadn’t thought about it much lately and so that was a real shock to the system.

After pizza I went and bought more alcohol and then we all went and played on the swings in the park (classy, I know) and then made our way back to our respective homes.

… yeah, it doesn’t end there…

There’s still my party to write about, that was last night- but I think I’m going to try and get some fun pictures off of Cee before I try and write about that…

So there we are, just wanted to get anyone who cares up to date on my life and promise you that interesting things are on their way! I’m carrying on with the Pagan Blog Project (bloody hell- can’t believe I’ll have been doing that for about a year!)

’til next time,

Wren x

Last Samhain was a little dismal for me, I tried to meditate to talk to my loved ones and was pushed away-  I tried to welcome in the spirits but none came, I begged the Gods to tell me why my natural affiliation with the dead seemed to have crumbled and faded and the response I received was stark and honest:

“You’ve done death- now it’s time to do life.”

The Gods told me in pretty plain terms that I was closer to the dead than the living, that I was barely alive- that’s not a message that I will ever forget receiving and one that hit me like few things have. I’d been drifting through life without putting down roots, I’d spent all my time preserving things and being ready to die at any moment.

Looking back I see myself as a sort of ghost- it’s really hard and really weird to think of how I used to be, but now I know exactly why the Gods did what they did and I’m grateful.

I’ve spent this last year living- to be honest it got off to a pretty rough start with me trying to find out where I stood in terms of my Go To Guy and my place as the fifth wheel (literally) of my friendship group (according to Jay I win some sort of prize for being a seventh wheel at one point.) But around May time I really started to come out of my shell, I reached a point where I felt confident and good about myself, I began to relax majorly around men and let my life flow as it should.

It was around this time that I got Juliet- WOOOO! And made a decision about what I wanted to do in life (acting ftw :P) I piddled along until June when I went on holiday, survived falling down a mountain, being ferried around in The Hearse and an amazing midnight car journey across the UK.

When I got back and steamed into summer I started wandering around with my friends until the small hours, getting into vintage and starting to become comfortable with sex.

This lead to my first kiss, spending the night with a guy and becoming a strong, independent woman. I got my amazing ADA grades, partied with the best of them (read: EPIC MILK EXPEDITION/’THE QUEST FOR MILK’) and hit the ground running at the start of term.

Since then my life has been taken over with a hell of a lot of R+J and even more snogging (I’m really not complaining) interspersed with partying and general good times of which I totally rocked… I fired my CAMHS nurse and demanded a proper evaluation which I shall be getting in a couple of weeks, I took control of my illness and have decided to consider the idea of formally quitting self harm.

To make a long story short, I have to say that after a rocky start I took the advice given to me by my Gods and started living. I can stand up say that I am a real person, a real flesh and blood person with a life and loved ones and spirit and soul… I am no longed a ghost.

Hope you all had a blessed Samhain and a Happy New Year!

A thousand times goodnight

Wren x

Needless to say I didn’t sleep very much the other night- I think I got about three hours in total which was rather horrible. I got up out of bed at about three in the morning, opened my window,  lit a candle and got my tarot cards out.

Had a fairly telling spread- wheel of fortune, the chariot and then the knight of wands reversed. I’m hoping for some good luck at the moment.

When I finally managed to get to bed I had some very vivid dreams- I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this here before but after my big meditation a few weeks ago I’ve been having the most graphic dreams. They’re starting to wane a little now, but it’s been amazing to dream again after years and years of nightmares and fearing sleep.

Anyway, I grumpily got out of bed, showered, dressed and marched through the nasty muggy weather to school only to find that they’d locked the back gate which meant I had to walk all the bloody way around the school (I wanted to cry, I was actually on the verge of tears for quite a while) I was daring the sky to break and have the massive thunderstorm it seemed to want. So far it’s been taunting me by not complying.

I got in and got hold of my envelope. I milled around a little and chatted to people before being told by my best friend Cee that everyone had done badly in philosophy- she’d gotten a D- so I went and spoke to Sir who told me that he needed me to sign something, note that at this point I still hadn’t opened my envelope and found out my grades, so I played ‘guess my results’ with him and came out a little above my expectations- I guessed an E overall and he said it was a D- small victories my friends, small victories!

From chatting to people it was made abundantly clear that we were all screwed- one of my friends has properly, completely failed everything- most people got Cs and Ds and so on- which was terrifying for me as I feared my obsessive, neurotic revision was all for naught (seriously, I didn’t have an Easter holiday, I spent two weeks watching Film4 and doing revision- I didn’t even have time to do my bloody homework.)

Me and some friends got dragged outside by a photographer for the local paper to have our pictures taken- so I shall be in the local rag next Thursday! If you’re lucky and I’m feeling relaxed about the whole anonymity thing I may post you a glorious photo of my exhausted and slightly nauseous mug. An interesting note for the photo is that the other three people in it are holding their results whereas I’m holding a resit form, ahahah.

I eventually sidled off home and decided that I would put the results to one side and spend the afternoon being nice to myself. I made a glorious banana sandwich and sat down to read some fanfiction. Oh yeah, that’s my idea of a relaxing afternoon

(I should also add that I followed up the sandwich with a slice of chocolate cake… I figured I might as well push the boat out.)

The afternoon wore on quite pleasantly, the little brown envelope tucked under my sewing machine with reaching distance but well out of my mind.

Eventually my Ma came home, she ragged me out slightly for not opening my envelope which honestly pissed me off, with the amount of people I’d seen get bad results it was realistic to expect that mine would be less than brilliant and quite frankly I wanted to have a nice day before the inevitable bad results were revealed and I was left wondering what the hell I was going to do with the rest of my life.

My Dad and brother went of leafleting (did I mention that I ended up sat folding leaflets the night before results as a kind of desperate therapy?) and I kind of snapped. I went up to my room, I felt so sick and I ended up standing by the window sobbing for about ten seconds (I cry all the time- not in front of people, but I honestly tear up so much! Apparently it makes me a good actress though so *shrugs* swings and roundabouts.)  Before I dried my eyes, gave myself a little talking to and gently, inch by inch, pulled my results from the envelope.

I had the usual ‘what-the-crap-do-all-these-numbers-mean-and-where-are-my-results’ panic before staring in a kind of stupor at the massive letters printed on the page.

I already knew I had a D in philosophy so it was just history and psychology in the balance- including the philosophy results I got:

that’s ADA- forgive the crappy focus, I took the photo by my bedside light

Oh yeah, at this point I kind of forgot to breathe and ended up hyperventilating in a very unattractive manner as I stumbled down the stairs to show my Ma. I’m still in shock honestly; I just didn’t expect it from what had happened to everyone else.

My GCSEs went so badly with my mentalness, it was honestly a really horrible time for me and getting the results for those was awful, I had to look at the extent of what my mental illness had done to me. I tried so bloody hard for these and it was a huge relief to see that all that hard work had paid off.

Right now I feel like I can relax for the first time in ages- so I’m going to pop off and get some sleep (I’m writing this on Thursday evening) I’ve got a busy few days coming up and I’m going to need it.

’til next time,

Wren x

Fast forward to the present and I’m pleased to announce that after many false starts, hiccups and general screw ups:

SUMMER HAS ARRIVED!

I have gleefully broken out my summer wardrobe, for me the ultimate sign of summer comes in the form of tights… nude tights to be precise. I’m very temperature sensitive, in the winter I wear black leggings, move into black tights for Autumn/Spring and then into nude (or tight-less) in the summer.

I’ve also invested in a pair of very snazzy sunglasses as modeled by my stylish self below:

… my face making it’s internet debut… note the history revision stage right

I had a day off today and so decided to do some baking and assorted random shit, for some reason when I got dressed today I turned into an Edwardian…

Not sure what happened there.

Anyway, I went on a baking spree and created these lovely things:

I have revision, sewing and shopping to do in the next few days- been listening to this:

And lamenting that it’s now being released on the 4th of June, when I will be on holiday!

Thankfully one of the books I ordered from Amazon arrived today, just waiting on the other three. This is the only fiction one and will be the first piece of fiction I’ve read in bloody ages. Am crossing my fingers that my flag will arrive tomorrow or I’ll be sneaking up to school in the dead of night… but more on flag-gate to come.

It’s 24 degrees over here- okay, I know it gets hotter than that in most places around the world but this is Yorkshire, I’m built for icy winds and hill farming, give me a break!

I’m going to have to go now, my poor laptop’s wheezing on and getting very hot, so if you’re somewhere warm enjoy it whilst it lasts!

’til next time,

Wren x

Yes, it looks ‘amazing’ and ‘really effective’ when they wrap me up in elastic, throw me around the studio and then let go, letting the elastic snap back across my body and the momentum propel me halfway across the room before slamming me face first onto the wooden floor… but it fucking hurts!

And that’s not even taking into account the amount of times we practised it and the amount of times that it went wrong and I fell badly. I look like someone’s kicked the shit out of me, I’ve got a ring of bruises all around my ribcage, covering my arse and hips and my poor little knees.

Got my Romeo and Juliet script- at the moment it’s my light at the end of the tunnel, it’s really the only thing dragging me out of this quagmire. Michael finds it hilarious that I have to kiss Romeo four times- and Paris once. Unfortunately for me the guy playing Paris will be fifteen when we do the play… I feel like a massive paedophile right now- although he is about twice as tall as me.

The performance evening also happened to be the time that everything really fell apart for me. During the day my (lovely) head of year called me into her office for a word- she said that CAMHS had been in touch to say that my psych nurse would have to cancel our appointment on friday (yesterday) and that they would reassign me somebody.

For those of you who haven’t read my previous posts I should just explain that I’m supposed to see someone once a week but haven’t seen my psych nurse since the start of February as she keeps cancelling appointments due to illness. I’ve been at the end of my tether about it all.

I tried to say something but had to take a minute to control myself, I felt so stupid but I could feel tears prickling in my eyes, I was stood there blinking like mad and biting down on my lip before I swallowed and managed to choke out that I hadn’t seen anyone since February, at which point she told me I could and should come and have a chat to her whenever I wanted, and she said that she’d make it clear to CAMHS that they needed to get me someone fast. Even yesterday was too late- I’ve needed help desperately for months and now it’s going to be even longer before they can get me someone.

Later that evening I was sat in the make-shift audience watching another group rehearsing and doing a tech run through whilst the rest of my lot had something to eat in the back room. It got to a part in their piece where they all had to scream- and not a short scream, a proper long scream- anyway, they screamed and it just flipped a switch in my head, I went from sitting there calmly to sobbing hysterically. I got up and slipped out of the studio, thankfully we were in blackout at this point so no-one saw me.

I stumbled down the corridor and sat on some stairs out of the way, I couldn’t stop crying- I don’t know what was wrong with me, I was just sat there with my head in my hands sobbing. It had reminded me so sharply of a nightmare that I had a while ago where I screamed whilst the man raped me, it was the first ever one I’ve had where I screamed, and that alone meant so much.

The screaming wasn’t to try and get help, in the dream my psych nurse and social worker were stood calmly watching him, the scream was a protest, it was saying this is wrong, I don’t deserve this. That was such an incredibly powerful thing for me to think, it’s something that I’ve never recognised before. In all the other dreams I’ve just lain down and let it happen. Both times I was molested in real life I turned into a cold statue, I just did everything that they asked me to do- it’s taken me a long time to even start forgiving myself for that, and it’ll take me an even longer time to trust that I won’t just act that way again should I find myself in that place again.

Eventually someone found me- Megan came to sit with me once I’d calmed myself down and we had a chat, she said that she was so surprised to see me upset because I was always happy and cheerful. We just talked casually about crying and shit and it was really nice that she didn’t pry or fuss, she just normalised the situation.

After a while Miss P came walking down the corridor and sat with me, Megan went off to rehearse, I didn’t really know how she’d react to me being so clearly upset- actually, I think ‘distressed’ is probably a more accurate word- but she was lovely. She said something really sweet to me; she said Wren, it’s what makes you such a good actress- the fact that you empathise so deeply with people, you really get how they must feel. Which made me feel a bit better about blubbing on a staircase- she told me that I should talk to people more and that if I couldn’t do that then I should write it down, because I like writing- so you have her to thank for this post.

I went and performed, it went fine (though there was some hasty improvisation at one point) and Miss P and Miss H let me duck out for the other two groups performances (the other one had a naturalistic rape scene in it which I’d made clear to Miss P that I couldn’t watch.) I spent that time wandering about the empty school sitting in classrooms and listening to someone playing piano in the main hall.

Last night me, Jess and Claire went around to Callum’s shiny new house, we felt a bit out of place walking up the posh driveway and had to text him to let him know we were outside as there wasn’t a doorbell.

We generally had a good night except I drank a bit too much coke- yeah, everyone was off their heads on vodka and beer and I went squiffy on coca cola. It’s because I don’t drink fizzy drinks at all apart from the odd glass of coke/pepsi which I’m fine with, it was because I was really thirsty so I drank loads, which was a bit stupid cos I started hallucinating, I heard an alarm wailing for about fifteen minutes which was very annoying. My friends got all panicky once they realised that I’d been drinking coke and seemed very giggly, they started desperately asking if I was okay- I didn’t have the heart to tell them that it was too late. I don’t know why coke does that to me- I think it’s probably the caffeine content.

Spent this morning driving around the lovely Yorkshire countryside taking out cyclists and yelling at the stupid cu-idiots who come hurtling around blind corners in their stupid 4x4s and force me to swerve into the verge to avoid crashing into them.

At the moment things are on the verge of falling apart, I don’t know how I’m going to do this, I’ll be going into town tomorrow or Monday to take my book back to the library, do some window shopping and stock up on razors and first aid equipment in preparation for the exams. It’s not brilliant but I’m trying to be realistic here.

’til next time,

Wren x

Right now I’m piddling along day by day, as is recommended :) went to a good party on Friday night and met a nice bloke- he was rather a bit older than me (six years) but we had a nice time flirting, playing twister and generally chatting- and yeah, I obviously beat him at twister, it’s one of the benefits of being a contortionist.

I’ve been kind of stressed lately due to the looming exams, I’m in that mood right now where I hate all those people who can just pull it out of the bag at the last-minute. I need to get these grades or my life is screwed- fuck positivity, that’s the truth!

I’ve also started driving, which is an experience and a half! I’ve done some hilarious things, mainly screaming when going around a roundabout and getting distracted by an odd-looking dog only to look up and see a double-decker bus heading towards me! The latter was made even more terrifying as my driving instructor just sat and screamed, haha. It was funny afterwards once we weren’t facing imminent death but at the time I may have wet myself slightly

I also had a small epiphany lately, it was quite a nice one too- basically, I’m in a group of five, it’s me and two couples (yeah, I’ve whinged about this before) which means that I’m constantly the odd one out and it can be pretty painful- as a result I’ve been desperately trying to get a boyfriend for months now. Anyway, my epiphany was that I don’t want a guy… yeah, you read that right people, I, Wren Saille, a teenage girl, am happy being single!

… hear that? Yep, that was the sound of all the YA authors in the world gasping.

Explaining why I’m happy being single makes me sound kind of like a whore, but I’m going to do it anyway.

My reasoning is that I’m seventeen, I’m a teenager, I’ve got plenty of time for serious relationships once I’ve moved out of Harrogate and settled down with a job and a life, right now I want to meet as many guys as possible (replace the word ‘meet’ with whatever other verb you think is most appropriate.) And okay, so that makes me sound like a tease and a slut, but I only flirt with people that I’m genuinely attracted to- I just happen to be attracted to quite a lot of men… to be honest I think it must be personality that attracts me to guys because all the guys that I’ve ever fancied look completely different!

If I meet a guy that I like and get on with then I wouldn’t say no to a relationship, but I’ve seen all the good and bad points of relationships from watching my friends (and from my own experience) and I can safely say that right now I want to play the field. I’m one of those people who’s going to end up joined with one guy until death and having a thousand children, so I reckon I should enjoy my wild youth whilst I can.

Anyway… I’m auditioning for a production of Romeo and Juliet- am going up against about a hundred other girls for the main role so it’s highly unlikely that I’ll get it, but if I don’t try then I won’t get anything.

Lately I’ve been reading this and listening to this:

Spent Sunday indulging in my guilty obsession: Titanic, and that’s the ship, not the film/TV programme/whatever else you can think of. I spent the whole day watching documentaries and had a little cry at one point (let me off, it was late and I was stressed and emotional!)

My drama piece is coming along very well, we’ve finally decided on an idea and are now working on blocking it out and actually rehearsing, which is a relief! I’m actually looking forward to drama lessons now that I know it’s not going to be an hour of fighting with each other about our plotline.

Talking of fighting- remember I was saying about how I was going to rip it out of my psych nurse when I next saw her? Well she sent me a text a few hours ago offering me an appointment on Friday the 4th of MAY… that’s in two weeks time. I know I was complaining and saying that I wanted to be left alone, but I’m just really pissed off right now. I’m sick of them calling the shots. I was incredibly tempted to text back saying ‘is that the best you can do?’ but have stopped myself. Yes, I am a snarky bitch at the moment.

Part of my mind is worrying that I’m going down the wrong path- people who have been sexually abused tend to go down one of two paths, they either completely refuse to do anything sexual or they go out and try and get with everyone they can (I’ve also noticed this second response in people who have been bullied or neglected… and for some reason that sentence makes me sound like a wildlife presenter…) I’m a little bit worried that I may be trying to get off with guys in order to compensate- but it’s not like I’m sleeping with them, and I’m not two-timing anyone- at the moment I think it’s healthy, but I’m going to keep an eye on it just it case it starts to spiral out of control.

Going to be spending this Saturday at the Pagan Federation’s Spring Conference in York so if you’re going to be there let me know and I’ll try and say hello!

Oh, and did you know that if you google ‘Paganism Druid sex blog’ this blog is the top result? I didn’t think I talked about it THAT much but obviously I’ve been corrupted by my friends- and I got that off the stats, I didn’t sit around googling ‘Paganism Druid sex blog’ I’m not that weird.

’til next time,

Wren x

I have no strong desire to die, I’m not planning to kill myself or anything like that- I don’t ever feel like self harming.

I just feel kind of lost and bewildered, nothing much makes sense anymore. Yesterday I walked out of the house- just got my bag and coat and book and walked out. I walked all the way into town (which was deserted) all the way around town and then back across the stray (for the non Harrogate people out there ‘the stray’ is a massive stretch of grass with lots of benches) I sat down on a bench and read my book. I stayed there in the freezing cold for two hours, at one point I started crying- openly crying in a public place- because of the inscription on the bench. It said ‘we never lose the ones we truly love, they live in our hearts forever’ and just got to me.

So far I haven’t had a decent cry- the weird bench cry was pretty hastily stopped. I eventually walked home once I’d finished my book, which was good timing as I was shivering pretty violently. On the way home I walked up the main road talking to myself pretty loudly and laughing. I just felt really uncomfortable not talking, like I was holding in a burp or something.

Right now I feel confused and dazed, I’ve been working and working and working- I had last Saturday, the first day of the holidays, off and I haven’t had a day off since. I’m trying to revise but they’ve set so much fucking homework.

I can’t do this, I just can’t do this anymore. I want to put my head in my hands and cry, I feel so fucking defeated. I can’t sleep at night- I can’t think anymore! I just want some time when I can sit and think and just fucking relax- I’m tired and frustrated and I have to keep on going when all I want to do is have a bloody temper tantrum.

I don’t know why this is happening, my life should be so good right now, I’m branching out and meeting new people and doing new things and everything should be so wonderful and it’s not. I can’t get this weight off my chest, I can’t fucking breathe and no-one’s helping me.

Oh god, I feel like I’m drowning sometimes- I just want someone to stand up and be the adult, but it’s too late for that. I’ve gotten this far on my own, I have to keep going.

Life doesn’t feel real at the moment. I feel like I’m dreaming, everything seems hazy and crap and the feeling in the bottom of my stomach just won’t go away. It’s like bitter lead- I’ve been in this place so many times before and I know as well as the next person that no-one’s going to come along and wave a magic wand to make this better. They can’t, as much as they might want to.

I know I have to get through this alone, that all I can do is ride it out- but that doesn’t stop me from wanting that magic remedy.

’til next time,

Wren x

Mental health wise it’s been middle-ing, I’ve been a bit tearful and stressed, if I try and think about anything past the next hour or so I begin to have a panic attack- which is never a good thing.

I’m trying to focus on tangible things at the moment to give myself some structure, I’ve been revising a lot, I stared on sunday- I know, the second day of the holidays and I started working! I’m quite smug. I’ve managed to keep it up so far but need to stay focussed for the next week and a half if I don’t want to have a major break-down.

I’m a little worried about everything, at the moment I feel very much like the woman who’s just stuffed everything into the wardrobe and is leaning against the bulging doors whistling casually. Sooner or later the doors will burst open and the crap will spill out- but right now I’m having a good time pretending everything’s normal.

I’m in an odd world at the moment, I’m currently spending my free time working through an impressive reading list (some of it’s rereading.)

The reading is giving structure to my free time, so I don’t have time to sit and think about the situation. I’ve managed to get CAMHS to back off for another week or so (until I’m back at school) I’m putting it off because I know I’m going to lose my rag at them, I really am going to lose my temper. I’m one of those people who doesn’t lose their temper a lot (I get angry quite a bit- I just don’t show it) and when I do I kind of really pull out all the stops.

So there we have it, one industrious, stressed, angry, determined and distracted Wren…

’til next time,

Wren x

I got some bad news- one of my best friends is leaving school. He’s coming back in september but is going to redo the year.

He’s the only person who listens to me, I have a habit of talking to myself and singing which everyone ignores- except him, he’ll start singing the same song as me or laugh at a joke I’ve just cracked even if we’re in a noisy room and there’s no way he should have heard. He’s the only one who knows when I’m upset and who hunts me down and makes me tell him. He takes everything I throw at him and never gets angry at me. He’s one of my best friends and now I have to face exam time without him.

I know I can do it, I know I’m strong enough, but right now this is not what I wanted to hear. He’s at school for two more days and then I probably won’t see him for sixth months.

For me it’s like a smack in the face, I know it’s nothing personal- but it still hurts a hell of a lot, I’m scared that without him I’ll feel like I’m drowning again.

A couple of things are bothering me at the moment- but I’ll put them in separate posts, I don’t want to info dump in one.

One of them is that I’m going on holiday to Italy straight after the exams (I know, I know, it’s alright for some!) so obviously I’m going to need to wear short sleeves, skirts and shorts… but this is straight after the exams, a period of HIGH stress- and therefore a period of self harm.

I self harmed a LOT during my GCSE exams, my hallucinations/delusions/paranoia built up to a point where I put myself in danger. I had horrible nightmares and generally didn’t know how to cope. Looking back I’m amazed that I managed to get through that period relatively unscathed.

I have to be practical- and I’ll probably need to try and broach a conversation with my Ma at some point.

’til next time

Wren x

I had a little cry in the shower last night, I’m not sure why… I remember being really relieved that I could actually cry though, so at least that’s something to be happy about.

My mood’s really odd at the moment, I feel all adventurous and relaxed- and yet at the same time I feel really, really stressed.

My exams are coming and it’s slightly terrifying. I’ve done a little revision this afternoon and am tempted to try and do a bit more, I reckon I could get 1/6 of it done in the next few hours if I tried… but should I prioritize that over the essay that needs to be in for Tuesday? I’m really scared about this essay, it’s a philosophy one and I got a D in my last attempt. If I try at this one and still fail then I’m honestly going to cry, I’m trying my best and I just can’t get it.

CAMHS have abandoned me, the proverbial safety net has been removed- if I fall I’m going to break my neck. I’ll be fine, it’ll just bloody hurt.

If the sun’s out where you are then enjoy it

Wren x