Of course in every lecture, especially in a small class of 50 people, there will always be those loud, outspoken people. Everyone and their mom knows who they are. To me, I feel like those people are the smartest people in the class… or it just seems so. Most of the time, they do make good points and I agree with them. If only I put up my hand and spoke my opinion, I would get the credit of sharing that idea too (and getting some participation marks for once LOL). But honestly? I can only say “could have.” But actually over half of the time, their opinions or thoughts make no sense to the point where I’m thinking “are you even listening to yourself talk?” I have no right to criticize other people’s contributions because seriously, at least they’re actually participating while I’m sitting in the corner like a thought-less rock. I’m pretty sure when those outspoken people view me, they think I am stupid and don’t follow along in lecture. Half of that is true though – I’m not completely stupid and I only sometimes follow along with lecture but hey, I’m a good student. I do the readings and hand in the assignments. Because you’re an introvert, these extroverted people probably think you’re dull and boring and have nothing to contribute. But sometimes you have to speak up and put yourself out there. Otherwise, your ideas (and potential) may never be recognized.  There are some really bright, friendly introverted people in this class like myself that I would never have known to have such great personalities when we are put into smaller, more comfortable groups.

But in the big picture, who’s going to be the one “getting all the credit”?

P.S. I’m back!!! Of course I means that I’m procrastinating BIG TIME >:)

To my fellow Introverts, Wallflowers, and Antisocials,

Hi. You may have been told before that being an outgoing and social person will get you farther in life. You may be reminded every day to go out and meet people, or to stop being so reclusive. What these people around us don’t understand though, is that perhaps we like being the way we are. We have importance, too.

Perhaps staying indoors is a preference. Or meeting new people every day isn’t exactly what we fancy. A lot of us may hate the rest of humanity with a burning, fiery passion and would like to keep our distance. Or maybe we just like to sit back and watch the world go by.

It’s pleasant, really, separating yourself from the world, isn’t it? To take a break from the drama and action and confusion. It’s almost blissful, you could say. Well, to me, anyway. I’m going to share my viewpoint of being an introvert, wallflower, and antisocial. Some of you may relate, and others may start to understand us better. I guess we’ll find out.

I’m not one to strike up conversation with random strangers, unless the moment requires it to be so, or I’m feeling extra friendly that day. It doesn’t suit my fancy and to be honest, people scare me. You never know when they’re going to knock you down or ignore you completely. Maybe I’m a coward for avoiding it entirely most of the time, but I have my reasons. I’m a sensitive person, I don’t deal well with rejection. So, I avoid putting myself in situations where that is entirely possible. I enjoy a good conversation with the right people on the right subject, but I’m not the ‘dog’ type where every person is automatically my friend and I bounce around town handing out smiles and compliments.

I enjoy keeping to myself. I know who I am and I am comfortable with myself. I was my own best friend growing up because the other kids bothered me. They REALLY bothered me. Too loud, too obnoxious, and far too rude for me to be comfortable with. So I played by myself half the time, and I was perfectly content. In fact, I loved it. I made my own rules, didn’t have to fight over anything, and didn’t have to put up with snobbish little beasties. So I grew up knowing that I was okay with being by myself. I was comfortable that way.

But the time came where I had to grow up and go out in the world. I had to start being in social situations and had to interact with people I would rather not interact with. It was stressful, and I did not like it. Maybe I’m just a snob, but I don’t care for a majority of people in my society. I don’t deal well with stupidity, and like it or not, that’s what I had to put up with. This is my introversion.

Now, when it comes to being a wallflower…it’s a bit different. I hang back. And I enjoy it. When you’re at the end of the line or at the back of the crowd, you see things. You observe from a distance and take in a whole new understanding. For example, if you were in the middle of a crowd, you would see those few people immediately surrounding you. You would maybe understand them in all the hustle and bustle. Maybe. But if you’re looking at the crowd from above or at a distance, you see everything and understand how things are going. Who’s upset, who’s having fun, etc.

Being a wallflower doesn’t mean you don’t belong. More often than not it’s a personal preference to be out of the craze. I explained my reasoning for being one. Everyone is different, though. I just like to know what’s happening and have a thorough understanding of the scene.

Now, for being antisocial. Not in the sense of wanting to cause harm to the majority and all that psychiatric jazz, but simply not wanting to interact with society half the time. I have a low tolerance for stupidity. Unfortunately, that’s mostly what I am surrounded by in my town. The teenage stupidity where jumping in front of cars and then dodging them is fun. Where making stupid,  jackass comments to people different from you raises a laugh from your peers. Where vandalizing private property is a thrill and totally worth it.

I hate it. It’s pointless, stupid, and immature. Now, I’m not usually one of speak on immaturity, seeing as I still wear footie pajamas and sleep with a blanket, but this is a different kind of immaturity. It’s fine to embrace youthfulness and appreciate the aspects of a kid-life. But being reckless, rude, and idiotic just because you can pin it on your age is not fine.

These are the people I avoid. They are the ones who drive me away from society. Who make me hate the world. I know I shouldn’t base my feelings towards the world based on a few hundred teenagers in my area, but I can’t help it. I have to think that surely my town isn’t the only one in the world full of idiots. So I keep to myself. When they ask me to join them in going to make the new waiter’s life a living hell the first day on the job, I refuse. They roll their eyes and mumble about how I’m the loser who never wants to do anything fun.

This is what pisses me off. I AM NOT the loser in that situation. I’m the goddamn smart one. I’m not going to waste my time doing pointless and idiotic activities that cause harm to others, whether mentally or physically. I don’t care how fucking ‘fun’ it is, it’s WRONG. And I’m seen as the ‘loser’. And you know what? That’s fine by me. They can think whatever the hell they want about me, because they hold no importance in my life. I know where I stand on this whole thing and they can harass me all they want, but in the end, they’re going to look back on their stupidity and be like, “wow, I was an idiot.” and GUESS WHAT? I won’t be saying that. Because I didn’t partake in their idiocy.

That is my reasoning for being antisocial. Now, I’m not that way with all people. If there are those who share in my interests and respect my boundaries and can carry on an intelligent conversation without looking at their phone every 3 seconds, then yes, I would probably enjoy their company.

So you see, those of you who do not share in any of my three attributes, being the quiet one, the weird one, or the one who stays home all the time does not make me any less important in this world. You have your extroverts, your social butterflies, etc. They have their place. But without your introverts you probably wouldn’t have a lot of things you take for granted in life. A lot of the authors of your favorite books are introverts. People who choose to stay home and take the time to invent new things and create magnificent ideas to enhance the future of society. Without wallflowers there would be little understanding of people. Without that one person to hang back and truly see what’s going on, things would be insane all the time. However insignificant that person may look, all alone by the wall at the dance or party, they deserve to be admired. And those antisocial like myself…well, who would discourage the idiocy? It’s one less human being to partake in something that could possibly be destructive.

Sometimes the quiet ones can have the biggest voice if given the chance to share what they’ve seen.

~Emery

He is the comic book reading, science fiction loving, can fix any computer kind of nerd. Meanwhile I’m the research loving, competitive word game playing, choral music singing, will offer to organize your closet type of geek.

We have different hobbies. We enjoy different types of movies. We grew up in different environments. We have different strengths and struggles.

And recently, I realized we also approach life in a different ways.

He is extremely outgoing and gets his energy from being surrounded by others.

I, on the other hand, like solitude, feel exhausted after a day of being “social” and find that I get anxiety when I even think about inviting someone into my home and having to take on the role of hostess.

Living with such a social butterfly and often being surrounded by them, I’ve always thought my feelings might be invalid and that I might just be shy or anti-social.

But that wasn’t the case at all.

I’m just an introvert.

An article by Carol Bainbridge, written for About.com, defined it this way:

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to “recharge.”

When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desire to be quietly introspective.

I had taken a personality test as a child, and honestly didn’t understand some of the questions. I think I gave a lot of answers that weren’t really true to me, in the hopes of “acing” the test (or so I thought) and being deemed an extrovert. But as an adult, I had a true “ah ha” moment after taking the test and finding out I was more of an introvert.

I started to see the word introvert, or some variation of it, everywhere.

In a matter of weeks, I watched a TEDx talk by Susan Cain about introversion, and read a blog post at dearabbyleigh that shared the same video. Then CEO and educator Nancy Duarte shared a tweet with Cain’s tips for public speaking as an introvert and a Facebook friend posted a funny guide to introverts.

I felt like God wanted me to know that I shouldn’t be ashamed of who I am. He wanted me to know the power of introverts, and know that it is not limiting. He wanted me to know that I could still be social and enjoy solitude, that I could still be a writer in the quiet and enjoy being a part of communities, that I could be soft spoken by nature and still be a successful public speaker if I wanted to be. And that I could still be respected.

Most of my life, I’ve admired extroverts like my husband, and seen their greatness. But now I see that there’s greatness in introverts too. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being one.

“Solitude matters, and for some people, it’s the air they breathe” 

“Don’t think of introversion as something that needs to be cured.”

― Susan Cain

_________________________________________________________

I’m joining Melanie at Only a Breath for her monthly One Word 2013 link-up. My One Word for 2013 is Balance, and realizing how I “recharge” is a big part of maintaining that balance.

Paperback: 368 pages
Publisher: Broadway; 1 edition (January 29, 2013)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0307352153
ISBN-13: 978-0307352156

At least one-third of the people we know are introverts. They are the ones who prefer listening to speaking; who innovate and create but dislike self-promotion; who favor working on their own over working in teams. It is to introverts—Rosa Parks, Chopin, Dr. Seuss, Steve Wozniak– that we owe many of the great contributions to society. 

In Quiet, Susan Cain argues that we dramatically undervalue introverts and shows how much we lose in doing so. She charts the rise of the Extrovert Ideal throughout the twentieth century and explores how deeply it has come to permeate our culture. She also introduces us to successful introverts–from a witty, high-octane public speaker who recharges in solitude after his talks, to a record-breaking salesman who quietly taps into the power of questions. Passionately argued, superbly researched, and filled with indelible stories of real people, Quiet has the power to permanently change how we see introverts and, equally important, how they see themselves.

Quiet is a magnificent book, wonderfully written book, certainly a book worthy of conversation. This book educates and empowers self-proclaimed introverts. Susan Cain clears out societal assumptions about introverts, with emphasis on American culture. A culture, in which introverts are often mistaken for antisocial, lazy and/or shy. This is not to say that there are no introverts with these qualities.

In this book, Cain highlights the qualities of both introverts and extroverts, finding scientific documentation on how introverts and extroverts respond to different social situations. She also focuses on schools the United States, where spaces for extroverts are often created (and encouraged), sometimes neglecting the needs of introverts.

I consider myself an introvert. I find that I’m able to express myself better in writing, need isolation to recharge, and prefer having conversations with one person, rather than groups of people.

Cain examines and praises the qualities of both, introverts and extroverts. Of course, there are also shy extroverts, and extroverts who enjoy solitude. Some people find themselves in the middle, individuals who are both, half introverts and half extroverts.

Surely, I felt empowered, and I learned plenty from this book. Not to mention, this book received fantastic reviews. I recommend Quiet to everyone, especially to educators. They would benefit immensely from reading this book. Cain provides insight that would improve teaching methods at schools. If you would like to learn more information about this book, please watch the video below:

Related:

My Sanguine Life’s Quiet! I’m an introvert.

TedTalk: Susan Cain: The power of introverts

Writing used to be a way to hide from a world that frightened and confused me. I was very introverted as a child, no doubt in part because I needed but didn’t get glasses until I was 10. Everything scared me. Life scared me. And yet there were times when I could act outgoing, although I don’t think anyone much liked me when I was like that. I was very emotional, would cry if anyone looked at me the wrong way, and crying wasn’t something tolerated very well in my home. It was a sign of weakness. Which meant I cried a lot.

I wrote trying to imagine having some control over my life, wanting to believe I had a better relationship with my family than I did. Wanting to believe that at the end of the day, they loved me. As a young adult living away from home, I wrote in journals, trying to decipher the world around me. I had moved to a place radically different from the one I grew up in. I embraced “sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll” and spent too many years making a mess of myself. And writing very little.

I went back to school, took writing classes, tried using my writing as I had in the past, to work through and survive both physical and emotional trauma. What I always lacked was confidence. I never wrote with any real confidence in my writing. When anyone did try to support me (most often, a teacher), I almost literally ran the other way. I don’t know what I was afraid of: most likely, failure, but what kind of failure? I grew up feeling like a fraud, and I still harbor some of that today. I’m afraid I will disappoint. I disappoint myself every day, but I’m used to it.  I hate disappointing others. And without confidence in myself, I couldn’t very well use the support given to me. Only a fraud would do that.

So now, decades later, I have very little to show for my writing. I’m way past the halfway mark of my life, and I do have many regrets, not the least of which is I didn’t write more. I might have had a different story if the internet had been around when I was young and isolated. Although there is a lot of crap out there, I’ve come across writers that I never would have known if it wasn’t for the internet. They are not all published writers, but they write. They seize the opportunities that the internet provides. I think some of them might even be shy, sensitive introverts like myself.

I have regrets and some of those regrets I can do nothing about. But the regret that I didn’t write more … I don’t have to die with that regret. That one I can change.

I need to be very careful when typing this blog to not seem as if I’m condemning introverted people. I have friends who are natural introverts, and who are not big talkers. What I want to dig into is how some quiet people use their quietness to achieve schemes, and avoid confrontation. A quiet person may seem like they are innocent victims of shyness, and bad circumstances. I appreciate that some people struggle with communicating, and I am not slamming them for it. I’m talking about something deeper than a struggle with communication; I’m talking about manipulation. We all use different schemes to avoid confrontation, and to not have our sin exposed. Quiet people tend to use what I like to call the trinity of slippage.

In the trinity of slippage, quiet people are able to slip by, unnoticed to the untrained eye. They use three tools in order to accomplish this, and they use them very effectively. First, they use their quietness as a tool to play dumb. They act as If they are not interested in conversations, and as if they are “checked out”. But reality is they are listening to every conversation that is going on around them, and cataloging everything. The second tool quiet people tend to use is they are able to go undetected for long periods of time. Why? Because some quiet people don’t allow others to see who they really are. Simply put, they do not give a lot of evidence to people as to where they are really at. They are shut down, and most of the time they are smothering their sin deep inside their heart. They are able to fool themselves and others that they aren’t there. The third tool that quiet people use is manipulation. Quiet people can be caught in some type of sin, and be called out for it. But they have an advantage over extroverts because they know if they can remain quiet for a long, long period of time it will all slip away, and they will escape confrontation or exposure.

You might be asking yourself, “How do you know anything about introverted people?” I’ve lived around a good bit of introverted people the last couple of years, and have learned one thing, quietness is not righteousness. People can be quiet for a long period of time, and slip underneath the radar. They can tell you all about the bible, and seem as if they do not have sinful nature at all! But the truth is if they don’t show any repentance, then they are master’s at smothering their sin deep inside their heart, and allowing time to pass by until they drop back off the radar.

I’m writing to you so that you are not fooled by quietness. You must always see a love for Christ and others in people if they are truly converted. I’m not saying that a quiet person cannot be in love with Christ! I was able to walk in hatred towards God for years, and talk my head off. I’m talking about someone who is quiet, and puts up a façade of good works, while showing no love towards others. I’m talking about quiet people fooling the people around them by not being “trouble makers.” We cannot be fooled! The bible is very clear that everyone is naturally depraved and capable of all sorts of sin. This includes a quiet person and a loud person as well.

In closing, I want to encourage my introverted friends that if you struggle with these things, and seek help from Christ this blog is not for you! I struggle with my mouth being too big and with many other things as well. Christ is working in us, and I understand this is a process. I’m simply calling out a type of quietness that is used for manipulation, and mistaken for righteousness. All of us would do well to turn on our discernment, and not allow quiet people to slip by without being confronted with the gospel. Quietness can seem like it is a good virtue to have, and in some cases it is. But please, always understand that just because someone is quiet does not mean they are righteous!

…….Can you hear me now?

J.C.

As we got to know each other, Jeanne told me stories of her best friends in Brooklyn, people who sounded far more interesting and out-of-the-box than the relatively boring people in my background. I particularly enjoyed hearing about Buster, a long-time friend whose connection with Jeanne went back to when Jeanne was just out of high school. Buster’s mother, Rose, who had recently died had been an iconic figure in Jeanne’s life. Rosie’s favorite word was “fuck,” and her outrageously unique personality helped Jeanne break out of the restrictive Irish/Italian Catholic world she grew up in. In her life prior to meeting me Jeanne had been a singer, culminating in one-woman cabaret acts that Buster had managed and directed. An accomplished singer and actor, Buster sounded like exactly the sort of larger-than-life character that one never encountered in the northern Vermont of my upbringing.

One day shortly after I moved into Jeanne’s postage stamp size apartment, Buster called. After several minutes of conversation, Jeanne asked Buster if he wanted to say hi to me. Apparently he did, because she immediately handed the phone to me—an introvert’s worst nightmare. In a loud voice that perfectly matches the extraordinary tenor voice I would come to know and love, Buster asked “Do you know what the hell you have gotten yourself into?? The Bean [Buster’s nickname for Jeanne] is a pistol! You’d better be sure about what you’re doing!!” Nice to meet you too, Buster! I, of course, did not know what I was getting myself into—nor did Jeanne—but something about my first conversation with Buster strangely gave me confidence.

Buster came from Brooklyn to Santa Fe for Jeanne’s graduation a few months later. Since Jeanne’s parents also made the trip and she was tied up with entertaining them, it fell to me to pick Buster up at the Albuquerque airport sixty miles south of Santa Fe. I was not sure how I would recognize him, but Jeanne assured me that there would be no mistaking Buster—he tends to stand out in a crowd, she said. This was twenty-five years ago, so I don’t clearly remember what Buster was wearing as he stood by the curb waiting for some unknown person to pick him up, but he was clearly the only displaced New Yorker amongst the surrounding south-westerners. Buster was an introvert’s dream on the ride back, as I didn’t need to say more than a dozen words during the hour trip. As I pulled into our driveway, Jeanne ran out of the apartment yelling “BUSTERRRRRRRR!!!!!” as Buster leaped out of the car screaming “BEEEAAAANN!!!!!,” followed by a rib-cracking embrace, the same way they have greeted each other every time they have met in my presence over the past twenty-five years.

It was not until several months later that I met Donna for the first time. Buster and Donna have been a couple for over thirty years and are more living proof that opposites attract. While Buster’s career has been a matter of cobbling singing extravaganzas together with acting in travelling musical theatre companies that often take him away from home for months at a time, Donna has been the person with a sensible and successful career in the travel agency business. Buster is larger than life and a force of nature, while Donna is quieter, compassionate, patient, generous and welcoming. Buster doesn’t have an athletic bone in his body, while Donna loves volleyball, tennis and golf. Donna also is musically gifted—just a couple of months after 9/11, Donna and Jeanne did a cabaret show together (directed and produced by Buster, of course). Buster and Donna’s home in Brooklyn looks like Buster exploded in it, with stacks of sheet music and books, DVDs and CDs,  piled high on every square foot of available floor space; Donna incrementally and steadily gets things organized and in shape while Buster is on the road, in preparation for the next explosion when Buster’s gig is over.

I’ve often described Buster and Donna as “the most married couple I’ve ever met,” a wonderful embodiment of the strangeness, inexplicability and power of love. I have a hard time thinking of the one without thinking of the other. Unlike most of Jeanne’s New York friends and family, Buster and Donna visit us in Providence frequently, usually on the way back from spending a few days with friends on Cape Cod. Their visit is always an all-too-brief and welcome hurricane, as they blow through the house disordering our dogs’ routines and minds, teaching us to play card games that Buster and Donna both take very seriously, and leaving a Buster-and-Donna glow in their wake that takes several days to dissipate.

When word got out last year that, after more than three decades together, Buster and Donna were getting married it was fabulous news. For in a moment of clarity and wisdom that is all too infrequent in politics, the New York State Assembly passed a bill legalizing same-sex marriage in the state of New York. Anthony (Buster) and Bob (Donna) would be able to establish their relationship—which had been established in the eyes of God and every else for over thirty years—legally for the first time. As Jeanne and I speculated, with my sons and my daughter-in-law, about what the wedding would be like, our imaginations ran wild. A ball room filled with a tableau of the most diverse and outrageous fashions this side of Provincetown, with the broad and beautiful panoply of human beings, from Catholic priests to drag queens, gathered to honor and express their love to Anthony and Bob. And the event did not disappoint. The food was great, the music was even better, and the people watching was spectacular.

The officiant at the ceremony was a gay minister who is a former Roman Catholic priest. Anthony and Bob exchanged rings that had belonged to their fathers. Although I expected this event  to be outrageously different than any other wedding I had attended—and it was—what struck me most powerfully both during and since the ceremony was how fundamentally normal it was. Two people who clearly are deeply in love, who are making a life together, invited several hundred of their best friends to celebrate that love with them, just as couples planning to be married always do. Bob and Anthony just had to wait for more than thirty years for their marriage to be recognized as legally valid. It’s about time.

The more weathered, female officer guarded the door. She doesn’t let us slide. Ever. She doesn’t even remember the hundreds of times we’ve strolled into the building. While the other guards smile and greet us as we stride past with our backpacks, she just lowers her eyebrows and tells us to get in line with the rest of the public. This day, that meant standing at the end of the line in the bitter cold for an hour.

No Thanks!

John and I decided to enjoy the warmth of the Cafe across the street until the line whittled down. Cafe Lafayette is my favorite place to refuel for lunch. The owners, an older Asian couple, and the workhorse Hispanic cooks serve the public a delicious menu. I’m such a regular they typically call out my order before I can. Their breakfast sandwiches and large mugs of coffee were a pleasant alternative to impatiently freezing on the sidewalk. Afterward, the day’s work – typing civil court case information into Excel spreadsheets – could begin.

In between bites and sips, John and I gradually deepened our conversation. We went from exchanging funny pictures on our smartphones, to commenting on current affairs, to discussing my possible alignment with John’s side business. Then, the conversation took a turn into darker waters when I admitted I wasn’t a “people person”.

John sat back in his chair, hands tucked in the pocket of his grey hooded sweatshirt, puzzled look on his face. His gaze squeezed itself on me.

“Really? Well, what do you mean by that?”

I had to explain myself.

In this era dominated by social networking sites, introverts get a very bad rap. People automatically assume there’s something inherently wrong with them or that they have peculiar interests like competitive mooing or collecting navel fluff. Popular opinion has it that everyone should strive to be extroverts, or rather, “social butterflies”.

“Get the fuck outta here”.

I know meeting new folks is a potential blessing. Newcomers offer an angle to a problem you haven’t considered, share a joke you haven’t heard, update you about a movie you haven’t seen, invite you somewhere you haven’t been. Hence, I am as much a fan of social activity as the next person. I too look forward to these moments. They’re life changing. But, I’m also aware that the trick of finding someone who isn’t afraid to be their genuine self is rather difficult. And these extroverts, more times than not, are just full of shit.

Some time ago, I realized counterfeit socialites overpopulate the world. Running into these folks is inevitable. They’ve probably penetrated your social circle already. There’s the “people person” who blathers on about their personal life without noticing you’ve been mouthing “help me” to the rest of the party. They’ll even feign interest in your life just to avoid that awkward silence. Before you can answer their insipid questions they’re shooting off at the mouth again. Their need to fill the air with relentless rambling is thoroughly tiresome. You’ll thank God for the chance to sneak away and warn your buddies to avoid that side of the bar all-together.

Then, there are the parasites: people looking to drain others of their resources. Gold-diggers are an infamous example. But, it happens in heterosexual relationships too. There are people who actively seek to mooch off of wealthier or more influential people. They pass it off as innocent befriending or networking but it’s really just leeching. Befriending someone requires genuine interest in someone else’s life besides what they have to offer; their concerns, hobbies, etc. And networking, even though done for business purposes and career advancement, doesn’t involve excessive ingratiation and pretending to be something you’re not. It’s an opportunity to prove yourself, to mingle with like-minded people and form partnerships. A partnership involves teamwork on joint interests. Parasites forego the contributing aspect of the equation and focus solely on what they can take off the table for themselves. It’s all about them.

Photo courtesy of dontgetmewrong.org.

I know people, some even close friends, whose extraversion goes deeper than just wanting to experience new things. They’re desperately trying to bandage the void in their life with people’s attention and affection. Depression, anxiety, and insecurity severely plague them. The constant need for new people in their life leads them to routinely abandon those that care for them. It’s a revolving door of fleeting faces, broken relationships, fractured friendships, and loneliness. And as heart-breaking as it is, it’s just not healthy for anyone involved.

My very own best friend, the quintessential “social butterfly”, has deteriorated our friendship. Ever since middle school I’ve seen him follow the in-crowd to better his social standing. He’d find the popular kid, adopt the necessary personality to tag along with him for as long as possible, and completely forget I existed. Each time, it was nearly impossible for me to get in contact with him. He would disappear for months and ignore my phone calls. I would think I did something wrong or maybe I just wasn’t cool enough for him. Then, unexpectedly, he was back around with a lengthy excuse for his absence. It took years to realize the deficiencies in his character, but once I did, I was better able to deal with his tendencies. He was unable to stop the routine even after I brought it to his attention for the hundredth time. He has serious personal issues. I decided it was best to stop relying on him for anything.

Our mutual friends have realized his flaky ways as well. He still pulls the same stunts with them. It felt cathartic to hear others complain about his inconsistency. They would call me looking for him and I would just laugh. Now, when he’s around, we tease him about it. But, it’s still a serious issue he’s trying to fix. Or so he says.

As a result, “people person” is a tarnished title in my eyes. I’d rather be the opposite, the introvert. Despite the popular myths surrounding introverts, we do enjoy the company of others. We just can’t stand senseless small talk and bullshit artists. We’re not shy either. Shyness is a characteristic born from fear. Social environments don’t frighten introverts. We’re just overstimulated by large crowds of people. It’s not our comfort zone. Our energy saps and we’d rather go somewhere with less happening. We have no problem being alone with our thoughts, a nightmare situation for the “social butterfly”. But, approach us with quality conversation and we’ll engage you wholeheartedly.

We’re not awkward outcasts. We just enjoy our privacy and prefer solitary activities that exercise our minds. We don’t deceive people for our own benefit or to cover up any deep-rooted vulnerability. We’re authentically ourselves. And if we’re going to meet someone new, we want the person to get a taste of our true personality. We demand the same from others. This dynamic ensures we’ll know whether we’ve met someone worth running into again.

“Nope”.

John removed his hands from his pockets and leaned forward. His next sentence would confirm whether I provided a well-rounded explanation to my statement or painted the portrait of a pretentious loner.

A smile stretched across his face as he replied:

“I know exactly what you mean. I have a friend who needs to have that attention. We tend to bump heads. One time, we met up with a group of people at a bar. When he realized there weren’t enough seats at the table, that we’d have to stand, he decided it was better to leave. If he couldn’t be in the center of the action, he didn’t even want to be there”.

We both laughed. Having experienced the same, he understood my perspective. In fact, he too was an introvert. I should have guessed from how well we got along.

We conversed for another hour before the line disappeared. Little time was left to meet our quota for the day. But, the hard work would be worth it. Now, we’re aware that all we have to do is be ourselves around each other. That’s more than enough.

It always was.

A) I’m energized by alone time

B) I think first, then talk

C) I enjoy deep thoughts and conversations

D) I’m better at listening than speaking

After reading about personality types, I’ve always wondered how introverts and extroverts can work, and live together. I currently live with someone who is very extroverted and he’s a close friend. Actually, a lot of my friends are extroverted.

But to be honest, sometimes it is a bit too much and I find myself getting overwhelmed. That’s why I found this article on how to manage with extroverts in the workplace to be helpful.

It’s very likely that I’ll work with both introverts and extroverts in the future. For successful work, strengths should be recognized and played to. In this way, a team can work together for the best results.

As I was reading more about introverts, I started to become curious. How can I make the most of my skills? What strengths does my own personality offer?

Lifehacker gave some perspective. Below are the main points that I took away.

Understand What Particularly Overstimulates You

Group socializing used to scare me. I’m more comfortable talking with small groups of people and with a close group of friends. I read in a public speaking textbook that one of the biggest fears of people is meeting strangers at a party.

My solution? Just do it.

I found that if I pretend to be confident, then people will actually think I am confident. This in turn will make me more confident, leaving for a win win situation. In the end, I don’t have to pretend anymore.

Adopt a “Growth” Mindset

I’m always looking to learn, whether it’s from mistakes or new experiences. There’s so many people who are good at what they do, and by learning from them I can become more well rounded and better equipped. I love growth- it’s empowering to see the progress you can make if you put your mind to it.

Distinguish between Introversion and Lack of Confidence

This part really struck me.

Confident people are confident in both: 

1. Their abilities

2. That they will generally be liked by others

Hm… this applies to me.. Hooray! I can be both an introvert AND confident! Introversion is a skill within itself, and if used correctly, personality type can be one of your strongest attributes.

The world is filled with extroverts- which is great, it really is. But sometimes when introverts are misread for being “anti-social” or “loners,” it makes me think that people should read more about personality types.

Introverts and extroverts can definitely work and play together. It’s just a matter of coordination and understanding. Each can do what the other cannot, and through teamwork … anything is possible.

Story of the Day for Friday February 8, 2013 

(image source: http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://i551.photobucket.com/albums/ii463/djtobey_album/Minestrone/800px-Swede_-_rutabaga_-_veggiegrou.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.squidoo.com/recipe-cabbage-soup&usg)

I won’t claim I was the greatest coach in the world, but I was very focused on the kids. Our goal every year was to win as many games as possible but more importantly, I wanted every kid to play baseball again the next year. One of my happiest seasons was a 2-14 train wreck of a team. My starting catcher that year broke his arm falling off a donkey. Another kid broke his hand when he shut his car door on it. The Bad News Bears had nothing on us.

But every kid on the team got better and they all played the next year. The theory was relatively simple: if the kids felt like they were getting better, even if they weren’t the star of the team, they would keep playing. Our practices were brutal and we went four days a week. Some kids played every inning and some kids only got the minimum. We played every game to win, but we practiced every day to improve. During the games, I played kids in positions where they would have the most success. Like so many other things, kids recognize that discipline breeds success. Hustle beats talent unless talent hustles I told them. Over and over.

And I had very little time for parents who wanted to ask questions. “Why,” one father asked, “is my son not catching? He really wants to catch.” Well, I told him, because he’s just not very good and our pitchers are throwing the ball right past him. “Why, one dad asked me after practice, was my son still running after everyone else was finished?” Because the baggy jeans he wore to practice made him slower, I told him. Next time get him dressed for practice not the club scene. “Do we really have to practice 4 days a week,” some parent grumbled. Only if you want your kid to get a hit this season. I did not, as they suggest in the little league manual, enlist a bunch of parents to help during practice.

You can see why my wife might encourage me to find someone with a little more tact, even though the next season parents wanted their kids on my team.

The truth is that I’m just not much for small talk. I don’t dislike people who are good at it. I’m even glad we have such people in the world. Extroverts serve their purpose. They keep the bar loud and the music playing.

But I’m not one of those guys. I wouldn’t claim to be an introvert either. I can be outgoing and friendly. Today, for instance, I sat around a table with 5 other people for 8 hours discussing faculty evaluations. I’ll spend another 4 hours tomorrow with the same people. They are nice, professional, and friendly. I don’t doubt that I could be friends with any of them. But when they all asked me at the end of the day if I wanted to meet up for dinner, I declined. Probably not all that politely at first. With my wife’s voice in the back of my head, I managed to cover what probably seemed rude at first by claiming some work commitments before I just came clean.

Eight hours being friendly is just too much for me, I told them. Going out to dinner would have been good for my career. I would have made contacts for the future and I might even lay the ground work for some future promotion. But it would ,have been work.

And I suspect I’m not the only one who feels that way. As I sat alone, happily I might add, at the restaurant tonight, I watched various people talking, yakking it up, and having a great time. There were people at the bar on the make, wedding rings slipped off fingers, hoping to avoid a lonely night. There were men and women working the crowd, hoping for a useful contact, a job, or an invitation to speak some place, anyplace really and there’s people like me sitting on the outside looking in. In many ways, the hotel bar is a microcosm of American culture.

The idea certainly isn’t new to me. Susan Cain, in her book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, reminds us that those quiet folks on the margins serve an important function in the working world. Most importantly, she reminds us that we trumpet and value the guy talking at the bar while ignoring those who would prefer to be home in their pajamas. We do this, she shows in her book, to our own disservice.

Working in groups and collaborating, she tells us, is overrated. Sometimes, it’s okay to let us sit in the corner quietly. We would prefer that to the social niceties that either bore us or scare us half to death.

And so tomorrow I will decline lunch, politely I hope, in favor of spending time by myself. If I’m lucky, no one will try to talk to me.

This might be true, yet there are still so many of us not sure of what we want. To say and commit to making change is easy, but creating and making that change last is a difficult task. Especially for someone that is not very good at everyday interaction (awkward turtles, I’m looking at you). Do you ever feel as though something or some force is preventing you from your goal? Something to be passed through first or some test to be undertaken to reach a goal? It’s always the same, goals never change for some people. You might be tired of people telling you to “think outside the box”, when you need to be confined to your one box in order to find a way out to the world. Is this true though?

Those not sure where to turn should know that friends and family are the best source of support. In depression, in uncertainty, in life choices it is always good to have a shoulder to cry on or to laugh on. But, most choices must still be made by you. YOU. I include myself in knowing that the choices I make now will reflect my future life, because I am still young and want to learn more about life. Sometimes, I feel as though the place I am trying to get to will never open it’s doors to me or that my family will not see me the same way as my sister. This is not true, but one begins to feel as though there are not their own person if the accomplishments of another continue to grow leaving one to feel empty and cold inside. I couldn’t be more proud, but at the same time I wonder; Is this it for me? I don’t want it to be, but I’m not like others my age. I do not know where life is taking me. OK, I am very much like people my age.

The point is no one has to be this way. It does not have to be so hard to enjoy life. To realize that you actually have a shadow and are a real person with goals and ambitions. It’s perfectly ok to give up on yourself sometimes (I’m convinced that my sister does sometimes as well) but don’t let it stay with you forever. That would amount to nothing but heartache and frustration. Follow others so that you can one day lead, in your own special way.

The reason I wanted to write about Quiet is because I believe it does have a message that can change people’s lives. In this book about introverts, I recognized myself, and Cain’s descriptions of introverts’ strengths gave me a new conviction about my abilities and how I can use them effectively.

Quiet is the result of years of research by Cain. Her work has exposed her to psychological explanations of introversion, both ancient and leading-edge, and to the latest research in neurobiology, which offers much evidence of brain differences between introverts and extroverts. Most compellingly, though, she writes that her work on Quiet has gone on “unofficially for my entire adult life.” An introvert herself, she is stunning proof of an introvert’s ability to succeed in a culture that seems to favour the extrovert’s personality. Cain was a lawyer for seven years, until she accepted that her real passion was to do research and help other introverts attain the self-understanding that would allow them to reach their potential.

Cain writes that although our culture’s “ideal” personality is extroverted, one third to one half of Americans are introverts. Carl Jung first popularized the terms “introvert” and “extrovert”. The two types differ in many ways, but in a nutshell, introverts prefer the inner world of thoughts and feelings, while extroverts are attracted to the outer world of people and activities. Introverts recharge their batteries by being alone; extroverts recharge by socializing. Studies of identical and fraternal twins have shown that a person’s degree of introversion or extroversion (it’s a spectrum; most people aren’t all one or the other) is 40–50% genetic.

Cain’s book is significant and useful because her key insights about introversion do more than offer hope for individuals; they suggest how our culture can best take advantage of the abilities of both personality types, particularly in the ways we educate and nurture our children, the ways we structure our workplaces, and the ways our organizations make group decisions.

Early in the book, Cain outlines what she believes to be a problem in Western cultures. Since the early twentieth century, we have increasingly favoured extroverted, gregarious people, those who have great social skills, speak well, and present their ideas with flair. When choosing and promoting leaders, we often wrongly equate the ability to speak well with high intelligence and good ideas. Cain quotes a successful venture capitalist as saying, “We put too much of a premium on presenting and not enough on substance and critical thinking.”

One of Cain’s many interviewees was Boykin Curry, managing director of investment at Eagle Capital. Boykin blames forceful extroverts for causing the global financial crash in 2008.

Research has shown that extroverts are more likely to engage in risky behaviour than introverts. Cain’s summary of the research on the “reward system” in the brain is one of many parts of the book that delves into the neuroscience of behavioural differences between introverts and extroverts. Extroverts appear to be more strongly influenced by the brain’s “reward system” than introverts. Extroverts are more responsive to the chemical dopamine, released when pleasure or rewards are anticipated. The implication is that organizations should listen to introverts when group decisions have to be made—especially in risky situations like those proceeding the financial meltdown of 2008.

Cain is critical about the prevalence of what she calls “Groupthink” in both schools and workplaces. Many workplaces and schoolrooms are designed to encourage interactivity and group work. However, studies have proved that people are most productive when they have privacy and can avoid distractions or interruptions. This is especially true for introverts, who need lower levels of stimulation than extroverts to function at their best. Moreover, the popular view that group brainstorming is the best way to generate creative ideas is a myth.

Most creative work, it turns out, is accomplished in solitude—the way introverts prefer to work. Steve Wozniak, who built the world’s first personal computer (and co-founded Apple with Steve Jobs), wrote, “Artists work best alone.”

Research psychologist Anders Ericsson has devoted his life to figuring out what separates superior achievers from merely good or average achievers. Studying violinists at three levels of performance, he and his colleagues discovered that the key factor separating elite level musicians from lesser performers is the amount of time they spend practicing alone.

After studying excellence in many fields, Ericsson has concluded that it takes about 10,000 hours of what he calls “Deliberate Practice” to gain expertise in any field. Deliberate practice must be done alone; it is only then that a person can concentrate specifically on the tasks or knowledge that he needs to improve his own performance.

How is intelligence related to introversion/extroversion? According to IQ tests, both types are equally intelligent. However, introverts have different problem-solving strategies. They tend to be more persistent, more analytical, and more reflective than extroverts. Introverts are prolific contributors of society’s greatest ideas, inventions and creative works.

The first challenge for introverts is to not undervalue their own talents. They should not be afraid to devote long hours to their passions, even when (as often happens during adolescence) this is seen as strange or anti-social behaviour.

But introverts also need to be heard—to share their ideas and creative works. Cain examines the whole issue of whether introverts, who may be shy or withdrawn, can change to become outgoing, effective communicators of their ideas. Can introverts who are afraid of public speaking somehow “pretend” to be extroverts in order to get their messages across?

Quiet gives many examples of introverts who have answered this question affirmatively.

Professor Brian Little, a former Harvard University psychology lecturer and winner of the 3M Teaching Fellowship, defines himself as a true introvert but is a great public speaker. He created Free Trait Theory, which says “We can and do act out of character in the service of ‘core personal projects’.”

In other words, introverts can act like extroverts when they’re highly motivated, whether it’s to promote the work or key values they believe in, or to help the people they love. Brian Little’s core personal project is igniting his students’ minds.

Cain also shares the story of Jon Berghoff, an outstanding salesman. (He began selling knives as a high school junior, and is now the head of a huge personal coaching and sales training business.) Berghoff insists he’s an introvert. He says the most important quality of a good salesperson or consultant is the ability to listen well, because people respond positively when they feel understood.

Cain’s research has shown that the CEOs of successful companies are often introverts. Introverted leaders are more likely than extroverts to listen to ideas from subordinates, creating a “virtuous circle of proactivity” in which employees are encouraged to express their ideas.

Companies likely benefit from the leadership of introverted CEOs because they aren’t overly dazzled by “hype”, and are willing to listen carefully to the suggestions of both the extroverts and introverts within their organization. Our society is enriched by having a good balance between the “men of action” and the “men of thought”. Quiet will leave introverted readers with increased understanding and confidence about the powerful contributions they can make to the organizations they work for or their own self-driven personal work.

I always reassure her, “No, I like to hear what you think.”

Grace was prattling. Prattling, prattling, prattling.  ”Someday, when I’m rich, I’m going to have two houses.  One will be really big, with a hot tub, and a swimming pool, and I’ll have lots of friends over all the time.  The other house will be a cabin way off on a mountain surrounded by woods.  It will be so far out in the middle of nowhere that I’ll need to have a helicopter to get there.”

“What if,” I asked, “you could only have one house.  Which one would you choose?”

“But I’m rich,” she countered. “I can have both.”

“Nope, you’ve got to choose.”

She squirmed a little in her seat. I could tell that she really didn’t want to choose.

“Well….” she said, drawing it out as the little gears in her brain turned. “If I’m not rich, I don’t have a helicopter to get the mountain cabin.”

“There are trails that lead there,” I told her.

“But the trails are really steep and hard to climb,” she said. “It would take at least two days to get there on foot.”

“So?” I asked.

“I’d pick the big house,” she decided, “but I would make one part of it private, that nobody else could go in, except me.”

“That’s cheating,” I told her, because she had avoided the basic question. To me, this had become a quintessential extrovert/introvert determination.

“What would you choose?” she asked me.

I replied without a moment’s hesitation, “The remote cabin.”

“But you’d have to walk to get there,” she said.

“Yep,” I replied.

“And how would you get your groceries?” she asked.

“I would live off the land, and once a year, I would walk two days into town and two days back with the things I really needed,” I said.

She looked at me incredulously. “Really?” she asked.

“Yep.”

Clearly my little extrovert wasn’t buying what I was selling, so she turned the conversation to her sister.  ”Where would you live, Hannah?”

Hannah didn’t pause either. “In the cabin,” she said.  ”With Mom.”

Susan Cain’s TED talk inspired and encouraged me greatly … to be me … who God created, empowered and desired me to be.

TED introduces Susan Cain in this way:

“In a culture where being social and outgoing are prized above all else, it can be difficult, even shameful, to be an introvert. But, as Susan Cain argues in this passionate talk, introverts bring extraordinary talents and abilities to the world, and should be encouraged and celebrated.”

This video is a daunting twenty minutes long … please, please, please click on the link, and watch just three minutes! The first three minutes are the ones that any introvert could relate to, and any extrovert needs to know.

Mister Introverted Writer Person Says “I’m Okay!”

Let’s talk today about how us introverted fiction writers vex our outgoing opposites. At best, extroverts wonder why we’re so silent. At worst, we fade away.

Lita recently read an article describing the differences between introverts and extroverts. The blog suggested fiction writers are introverts. Of course, we are. Let us explore this fantasy world.

Introverts have rich “inner lives,” prefer quiet environments, enjoy conversations about deep topics, and relish time alone to recharge. Do not confuse introverts with shy people; if properly motivated, introverts are outgoing and charming at a party. But after an hour, the effort exhausts the introverts and we are the first people to flee the gale, I mean gala, and seek a quiet place to regain our wits.

Extroverts thrive in interactions with others. They are party hounds, love small talk, and flock to high-energy people-oriented activities. Extroverts tolerate only small doses of “alone time” before they pick up the phone and seek the company of others. They talk about their families, their hobbies, and most anything that pops in to their head without stopping for breath. How they do go on. They produce a deluge of words, and seek affirmation in the dazzling verbal environment of person-to-person interactions. Fiction writer Lita endured a lifetime of extroverts trying to fix her calm and introspective ways. I wasn’t okay, to their point of view. Nonsense.

Orangutan Looking Like People

Reason #1: Invisibility is Real

Talking heads dominate television. Sporting events have non-stop commentators. Radio DJs chatter. Internet videos analyze everything from the latest celebrity drivel to pointless arguments on how orangutan look (or don’t look) like people.

But there are non-talking persons out there–the introverts. It’s like we have no mouthes. But we can talk plenty. More on this in a few minutes.

Talk, talk, and talk. Because introverts are not talking, we can fade from an extrovert’s notice. I’ve had extroverts continue their talking over the top of my sentences as if I wasn’t speaking. I continued to utter words, and they could not hear me. When I stopped giving non-verbal clues to encourage their outpour, they continued. I’ve even walked away in their mid-sentence (yes, even my patience has limits), and they talked to empty air. Who said invisibility isn’t real?

Talk, Talk, and Talk…

Reason #2: Inner Worlds are Talking Plenty

Introverts may have rich inner lives, but introverted writers carry entire worlds inside our heads. These inner worlds whisper, show us images, and endlessly present our story characters’ feelings, thoughts, and actions. We write down the images, sensations, and yes, the words.

This process sounds creepy only if you’re an extrovert. Writers are nodding by now because this is where the ideas for our stories come from. Here is the origin of “creativity.”

Of the fellow fiction writers I’ve talked with, each describes a different creative process. Some say they meditate, exercise, or get close to nature to release their inner stories. Some call it a muse who shats on their heads, while others shrug and say they have no idea how the stories come to them. But the stories appear spontaneously, much the same way the brain runs the heart and lungs with no tending by our conscious minds.

I have good news for the introverts. Fiction writing is the only acceptable occupation where it is okay to listen to the voices inside your head, write down their words, and not have the extroverts worry about your sanity.

Come. Let Us Show You the Worlds Inside Our Heads

Reason #3: Welcome to the Other Worlds

People love fiction, fantasy, and make-believe. As children, our play was making up stories and acting them out with toys and playmates. As adults, we struggle with the responsibilities of caring for family, tending careers, and generally seeing to accumulated responsibilities. But many of us love watching a good movie, or yes, reading a good book.

Where exactly are fictional places like Middle Earth, Hogwarts, and Narnia, on a map? For that matter, where does a Klingon, glitter-faced vampire, and Tinkerbell come from? Can you describe The Force? The Matrix? What Frankenstein’s monster looks like?

All of these pretend people, places, and things, first came from worlds inside of writers’ heads. To the extroverts reading this, please do not worry. Those worlds are a delight to explore. Come, take the introverted writer’s hand, and joins us. We will have such fun, then the writer will see you safely home.