At least he’s stating to be.  But I’ve received a bunch of emails from guys claiming to be  “the guy on the corner”.  And all I can say is “Really?  You really want to claim the right to being that guy?” Is this what humanity has come down to?

Anyways, whether it truly is him or not, I could give two and a half shits, especially since he seems to have taken my posting seriously (does no one get my sense of humor here?!), and tries to hit on me at the end by requesting a photo of me.  Yeah, I’m really gonna start all my Ever Afters with you buddy.

(Click On Photos To Enlarge)

Sigh…he never responded.  Does this mean he’s no longer curious if he’s the Romeo to my Juliet?

Okay, kids. Here’s How I Met Your Mother:

We went to the same University. We were not part of each other’s social circles, but our circles overlapped where we both were a part of the same student organization. Okay, okay… it was the marching band. Yes, I was in the marching band. We were both in the marching band. “There was this one time at band camp…”

No, no there wasn’t.

Anyway, we were both in the band. We were both highly placed in the band staff — she auditioned for drum major her senior year, in fact, while I was… um, in a different highly visible position. In other words, despite the very large size of our marching band, we were aware of each other. But, as I said, we didn’t travel in the same circles.

After graduation, we kept bumping into each other. Walking down the street of our alma mater’s town. At a hockey game in a different major city. At a reunion event. And we said, like people do: “You know, we should get together some time.”

Then, one day we did. It became a day-long walking tour of the city we were then both (coincidentally) living in. She was leaving town within a couple weeks to return to our alma mater for grad school. So, of course, we began a long-distance relationship. This was years after graduation, and I’d already had a couple of Long Term Relationships by this point. (But, not long distance relationships. Except briefly. But that’s another story for another post.)

Flash forward a couple of years, and we’re finally living in the same town. My start-up company has been growing super fast, and one of my business partners decides to hire her as soon as she expresses an interest. (This is, in fact, how she manages to be able to move out to the town where we end up in together.)

Like most long-distance relationships that suddenly become in-town relationships, we have difficulties fully engaging. The fact is, our LDR was a bit problematic. So, she’s working for one of my business partners (out of his home; we hadn’t yet consolidated into one big office), I’m growing my own team (and busy as hell at work — it is a start-up, after all), and I’ll also mention that another one of my business partners hires my housemate, who is also a friend of mine from University.

Do you hear that music starting up in the background, my friends? That’s country music. Oh, yes, my friends… the soundtrack of this part of my life is country music.

Thanksgiving. 1995. (I think.) Penny and I celebrate the holiday with our respective families. She in East Bumfuck, Pennsyltucky; me with my mom and my maternal grandparents in Florida. (I’m not revealing too much by saying my grandparents lived in Florida, am I?) Oh, and in case you’re wondering, yes, my Dad and my Mom were (and still are) married to each other; but Thanksgiving falls on hunting season, and he was out trying to bring home some venison while my Mom and I visited my grandparents. My father didn’t get along so well with my grandparents, but that’s another story for another time. In-laws. Yes, definitely a topic for another post.

I remember the moment well, even if I’m vague as to whether it was 1995 or 1996. The moment: I’m standing in the little passageway that connects their tiny kitchen with their huge dining room on one side and living room on the other. Florida houses all have this particular kind of smell — I imagine it has something to do with the constant use of air conditioning and the compressed dryness of what would otherwise be muggy air — and the candy dish was filled with this excellent powdered-sugar confection that my grandmother made called “Reindeer Chow”. I’m on a cordless phone, calling Penny to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. I’m feeling kind of bad, because our relationship has been a bit strained at this point.

(My grandparents and mother are outside by the pool out back, and are out of earshot.)

Penny is likewise able to speak freely, and she does: either I need to start showing her some attention, or we’re going to have to break up.

Okay, I say. You’re right, I say. I’ll try harder. I will.

She’s specific about the ways I’ve been neglecting her. She’s specific that she wants more attention. She’s standing up for herself. And I can get with the program, or she’s going to move along. She had thought that things would get better once we were living in the same town, and she feels like she saw more of me when we were on opposite coasts.

I feel terrible. Because she’s right, of course.

So we end the call. And the more I think about it, the worse I feel. This is my third Long Term Relationship, and it’s falling apart. And the blame rests squarely with me. And what of my previous LTRs? What did they all have in common? Me.

Was I going to be a better person? Was I going to straighten myself out and be the kind of Man she could rely upon? Or was I going to float from one mediocre relationship to another and never fully connect?

I felt empty. I felt lame. I felt guilty. It’s not so much that I had done anything wrong — I hadn’t cheated, hadn’t lied, or anything like that. But neither had I done what needed to be done to make it work. I was a Lame Ass Boyfriend.

Could I be the Man she wanted and needed? Did I want to be that man?

That day, I began asking myself a lot of hard questions. That day, I planted some seeds in my own head. I wasn’t actually in love with her. But… I could be. And I wasn’t the Man she needed, but… I could be.

I planted the seeds and didn’t even realize it. I started thinking about wanting to be a better man; about being worthy of an adult, loving relationship. And my thinking gradually shifted not from whether to do it, but how to do it.

I had the opportunity. Penny said so! I had the ability. I knew so.

It was with those first few thoughts, those first few steps, that I began to change. I began to shift my momentum from a being guy who didn’t commit to being a guy you could count on. A guy who could love.

What I didn’t know at the time was that Penny had already checked out. In fact, she already had her next boyfriend lined up: my housemate, who had been wooing her (unbeknownst to me) for some time. She gave me The Talk as a (presumably) graceful prelude to our inevitable break up.

And as the weeks ticked by, and I gently increased my efforts to be the Attentive Boyfriend, she pulled back a little further, which led me to try harder, which led her to pull back further. The classic “Passion Trap.” And that is how I started to fall in love, and learn to become the Right Man for the Wrong Woman.

November 24, 2009

Taking risks in life means that you know you can fly.  But it’s scary when your feet first leave the ground because you don’t know what will happen next.  Emily Dickinson had an easy life.  She stayed in her house, she did not leave, she sometimes lowered down baskets of food to the neighbor children.  Walt Whitman took risks.  He fell in love, he got hurt, dirty, muddy, blood under his fingernails.  T.S Eliot had his wife locked up, no more risks of scenes from Vivienne.  Some people never risk love; it’s messy.  There’s clean up afterward and during.  There is a risk of hurt and children and happiness.  Running an independent press is like all this too.  Some days I feel like this guy, not at all like a swan, but there’s still wind around me, there’s still sky.

Photo by Kit Haselden

As a kid, I used to watch the surfers riding the curls on the other side of the checkered flag with such envy; they made it seem so effortless. These days I look at my friends in long-term relationships with the same jealousy. Yet, ask a skilled surfer to teach you to surf or a blissful couple how to date, and their instructions tend to be vague and unhelpful. They started young and have been at it for so long, they don’t really think about what they are doing, they just do it.

Having started surfing in my early 20s and dating in my late 20s, I’ve really had to concentrate on the learning process of these two challenging activities. The processes of going from that first date to being in a bona fide relationship and going from catching that first wave to being recognized as a surfer have a lot in common.

Learning with Another Rookie

The first time I attempted surfing, my older brother borrowed his friend’s longboard, and we spent the day taking turns out on the waves. I watched him keel over, he watched me take multiple nose dives, and at the end of the day I wasn’t any closer to learning to surf than I had been at the beginning.

My first relationship attempt was similar.

My long-time guy friend made Steve Carell’s “40-year-old Virgin” look like Casanova. He loved the idea of dating another novice; it gave him a sense of security. Unfortunately, a month into it, I felt I needed more excitement in a relationship. I hadn’t learned yet that excitement isn’t exactly one of the key elements of a successful relationship. Communication is. At that early stage, neither of us communicated our desires, worries or goals very well. Although learning with another rookie wasn’t my style, I’ve witnessed it work for many others who cherish their first loves for the experience.

The More the Merrier?

When I finally bought my own board, I got so eager to learn, I’d try to catch every wave I could, no matter how weak or small, just to get the practice in. Sometimes, I’d exhaust myself attempting to surf a wave only to find myself standing up in six inches of water. Then, when the really good waves came along, I’d either be stuck with my fin in the sand, or my arms would be too tired from all the extraneous paddling to pop up. The more waves I rode, I justified, the better I’d get.

This “the-more-the-merrier” approach isn’t unlike one of my guy friend’s recent approach to dating. After what he explains has been years of being seen as a friend rather than a lover, he’s determined to gain confidence and raise his sexual appeal by dating and bedding as many women as possible. On a recent night at the club, he went home with four women’s phone numbers and followed up with every one of the women. Each experience, he says, boosts his social and sexual confidence, but I wonder:  Surfing the bubbling white foam of 100 waves after they’ve broken never prepared me for dropping in on a five-foot wave as it was breaking. So, if my friend’s goal is to have the confidence to win the heart of the woman he chooses, how well does jumping from one woman to another prepare him for a long-term relationship?

Waiting for the Perfect Wave

Some beginning surfers take the opposite approach to surfing. They paddle out past the breakers to where the experienced surfers lounge on their boards to wait for the perfect wave. They wait and wait and wait. Finally, when they sight that choice rise of water on the horizon, they turn their boards and begin to paddle. The wave lifts them. It’s now or never. The wave breaks. Whoosh! They find themselves under a four-foot wall of water flailing for the surface.

The first time I fell in love left me feeling just as helpless. Brainwashed by fairy tales to expect that when two people fall in love, they are bound to live happily ever after, I didn’t realize that patience wasn’t just required while waiting for “the one” to come along; it’s also a huge factor in developing a relationship. Since I’d never attempted to turn dating into something more meaningful, I didn’t know how to do it. If I’d had more practice with less at stake, I might have had more success.

Riding it out

One of the toughest lessons I’ve striven to master both surfing and dating is discernment. An essential step in improving wave-riding skills is deciphering which surges of water are worth the effort and which I should paddle over. As a beginner, I would start to paddle out on a wave, hesitate because it was too weak or big or slow or the timing was off.

When I look for reasons to fail, I find them. In my dating life, I was so busy trying to foresee whether I was “meant to be” with that particular guy, I never really gave the romance a chance. So, along with discovering that successful relationships take practice, patience and communication, I’ve also found that even when I’m not in a committed relationship I can still benefit by riding it out to see where it takes me.

The beauty and challenge of surfing is facing a new ocean every day. A new surf spot, a different tide, low winds or high winds, strong currents, flat water or giant curling beasts – each time I take out one of my boards, the experience is thrilling and novel. The same is true for dating and relationships, but the real phenomenon is that each time I’m bringing a new element and strength to the experience too.

An old commercial that I’ve only now come to love. Did not love “Coco Avant Chanel”, but absolutely heart  Jean Pierre Jeunet’s commercial (really, a short film) for Coco’s iconic scent.

Chanel Nº5 is a scent I associate with my mother. She used to wear it when I was younger. As such, it’s a perfume I would never dream of wearing until I’m in my late thirties. For now, my top three scents:

VERSACE Versense

Was browsing through fragrances in Holt Renfrew last summer, and the lady recommended this one after I tried on the Marc Jacobs Splash in Cucumber. Loved it then, love it now. It’s light and refreshing, just the right amount of citrus so that it’s not cloying (for me, anyway). Best to spray it on the clothes you plan on wearing the night before.

PHILOSOPHY Falling In Love

Been wearing this scent for two years, and I fall in love with it every time I use it. It’s sweet (vanilla). It’s floral (jasmine). It’s just absolutely perfect. Doesn’t last all day, but you can buy it in a cute little size that you can stash away in your purse.

LOLITA LEMPICKA Lolita Lempicka

I judge books by their covers, so it’s not really out of character for me to judge perfumes by their bottles too. Lolita Lempicka perfumes come in bottles inspired by whimsy. This scent is a little more potent than the first two. It’s a little sharper, a little sweeter, a lot more magical. Don’t love the other Lolita perfumes as much, but the bottles are just as pretty…

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” F. Scott Fitzgerald

Speaking of memories…

The holidays are here.

I assumed the holidays wouldn’t be easy this year and expecting that, I wasn’t all that surprised to have sly, sharp jabs of memories sneaking their way in over the last few days. While so many things in my life are going right these days, I also haven’t had much time to sit back, take a few deep breaths and acknowledge the few that aren’t. Those few struggles I do have are definitely the ones that tend to make the holidays a strange affair.

I don’t have the typical family problems around the holidays. You know the typical family problems; the family gripes, drama and panics that all culminate in singing carols in the living room on Christmas Eve and opening presents in p.j.’s on Christmas morn’. In fact, ever since I moved out of my home in my mid-teens, I rarely see family at all, much less for the holidays. I was very young when I started my own network of friends and trusted ones; creating my own family out of the supportive people around me. Is it the same? Sometimes, yes, and sometimes, no. Like anything in life, it has its pluses and minuses. It’s a pretty incredible feeling to know that the friends and loved ones I do have, love me back for no other reason than they want to. No one I know was obligated by blood or familial ties to care for and spend time with me. And yet, there they are. When I have a bad day, when I am pissy for no reason, when I want to play, when I have chattering nonsense to share; they are there to hug, admonish, laugh, and listen. So, all in all, I’m a very lucky girl.

But it doesn’t mean that I avoid the pangs of missing that blood obligation come winter. Something about family, knowing that they’ve seen your face change from a wrinkled babe, to a just-beginning-to-be-wrinkled 26 year-old, of having memories so old that they’ve become lore and no one really remembers how it went down – there is a comfort in that.

I feel compelled every so often to go walk up and down my childhood street. Feeling oddly pulled to sit on the front porch and look down the worn street littered with fall leaves at my old bus stop. To pause in front of the house where I had my first babysitting job.  And the one next to it where I regularly dog-sat – a strange house where I inadvertently saw my first Playboy (rather a mint collection of many years) and so began to get my first inkling of what men really want. I feel compelled to find the giant sewer drain where I smoked my first cigarette and the nearby creek where I had my first kiss. To sit on the stump of an enormous tree across the street in the neighbor’s front lawn. That stump is all that remains of the pride and plague that was the largest, tallest tree in our neighborhood, and for all we knew, the world.  It was in that tree that our neighbor’s boys would climb, jump and sometimes, inexplicably, pee out of. I definitely wouldn’t mind a  glare at the peach tree in my old backyard, still resentful of too many afternoons picking up the rotten, fly infested peaches that fell to the ground, uneaten. To this day, I won’t eat peaches raw. But I resist the compulsion and I don’t do any of those things. Although my childhood home isn’t that far from here, there is never a good time to walk down that particular memory lane. Especially when it’s fraught with so many potential potholes and detours of regret. And I can obviously do that just as well sitting in my room, thirty minutes away.

I’m not worried though. With every passing month, the memories of the past dim ever darker and I find a new reason to be excited about the future. Sometimes the lessons I’ve learned don’t reveal themselves right away. It’s a surprise I may stumble upon when I’m least expecting it and I find, to my pleased astonishment, that I’ve actually learned something along the way. Learning is a small, but gratifying reward for the pain of growing. Already a in the midst of a hurricane of activity and blessed to have incredible friends all around, these holidays will fly by and I am certain they will have all the moments of sweetness I could hope for – the memories from holidays past will only serve to remind me how far along I’ve actually come.

Cinta itu seperti kupu-kupu. Tambah dikejar, tambah lari. Tapi kalau dibiarkan terbang, dia akan datang disaat kamu tidak mengharapkannya.

Cinta dapat membuatmu bahagia tapi sering juga bikin sedih, tapi cinta baru berharga kalau diberikan kepada seseorang yang menghargainya.

Jadi jangan terburu-buru dan pilih yang terbaik.

Cinta bukan bagaimana menjadi pasangan yang “sempurna” bagi seseorang. Tapi bagaimana menemukan seseorang yang dapat membantumu menjadi dirimu sendiri.

Jangan pernah bilang “I love you” kalau kamu tidak perduli.

Jangan pernah membicarakan perasaan yang tidak pernah ada.

Jangan pernah menyentuh hidup seseorang kalau hal itu akan menghancurkan hatinya.

Jangan pernah menatap matanya kalau semua yang kamu lakukan hanya berbohong.

Hal paling kejam yang seseorang lakukan kepada orang lain adalah membiarkannya jatuh cinta, sementara kamu tidak berniat untuk menangkapnya…

Cinta bukan “Ini salah kamu”, tapi “Ma’afkan aku”. Bukan “Kamu dimana sih?”, tapi “Aku disini”. Bukan “Gimana sih kamu?”, tapi “Aku ngerti kok”. Bukan “Coba kamu gak kayak gini”, tapi “Aku cinta kamu seperti kamu apa adanya”.

Kompatibilitas yang paling benar bukan diukur berdasarkan berapa lama kalian sudah bersama maupun berapa sering kalian bersama, tapi apakah selama kalian bersama, kalian selalu saling mengisi satu sama lain dan saling membuat hidup yang berkualitas.

Kesedihan dan kerinduan hanya terasa selama yang kamu inginkan dan menyayat sedalam yang kamu ijinkan.

Yang berat bukan bagaimana caranya menanggulangi kesedihan dan kerinduan itu, tapi bagaimana belajar darinya.

Caranya jatuh cinta: jatuh tapi jangan terhuyung-huyung, konsisten tapi jangan memaksa, berbagi dan jangan bersikap tidak adil, mengerti dan cobalah untuk tidak banyak menuntut, sedih tapi jangan pernah simpan kesedihan itu.

Memang sakit melihat orang yang kamu cintai sedang berbahagia dengan orang lain tapi lebih sakit lagi kalau orang yang kamu cintai itu tidak berbahagia bersama kamu.

Cinta akan menyakitkan ketika kamu berpisah dengan seseorang lebih menyakitkan apabila kamu dilupakan oleh kekasihMu, tapi cinta akan lebih menyakitkan lagi apabila seseorang yang kamu sayangi tidak tahu apa yang sesungguhnya kamu rasakan.

Yang paling menyedihkan dalam hidup adalah menemukan seseorang dan jatuh cinta, hanya untuk menemukan bahwa dia bukan untuk kamu dan kamu sudah menghabiskan banyak waktu untuk orang yang tidak pernah menghargainya.

Kalau dia tidak “worth it” sekarang, dia tidak akan pernah “worth it” setahun lagi ataupun 10 tahun lagi.

Biarkan dia pergi…

Ah what a difference a change makes.

I have taken the advice of several folks, including my doctor and made a significant change in my Life.

Three weeks ago I had a seizure while sitting in bed having my coffee. This followed a night out on the town seeing KB’s favourite band. I immediately saddled up and went to see Dr Doc and squirmed my way through a session of implicating questions.

“How much do I drink?”
“Do I know that alcohol has serious repercussions on the medications I am taking?”
“Are you aware that alcohol and the medications could cause seizures?”

I sheepishly answered the questions stating that I wanted to stop the intake of alcohol for a number of reasons (vanity in the form of watching my gut expand being a significant one too) but had had no luck forcing the matter.

Well, the fear on KB’s face when I came out of the seizure and the aesthetic pallor of the hole I was digging for myself in terms of my Depression, have sealed the deal finally.

As of then, I quit drinking and sought the help of a counsellor to aid in the transition.

Now, just over three weeks into this change, the world has certainly opened up for me.

I am Smiling again.

We are Making Love again, passionately.

I am no longer plagued with irrational fears.

I have gone back and read some of my posts and am dismally saddened by what I wrote in terms of my irrational reaction to KB’s Boyfriend.

I can only say that I was not in the right mind.

KB is certainly falling deeper into Love with Boyfriend and I am pleased for her. We are talking openly about their relationship and Boyfriend has become a part of our existence. He is welcome over to our place at any time and the atmosphere is Loving. I even bought him a copy of The Ethical Slut for some private reading.

I am starting to feel not so “broken” and am hoping that feeling will translate into a stronger Me.

All Time Low
Stella
Nothing Personal
2009
Submitted by: paramore_fans@yahoo.com

Key: F

Tuning: Standard EADGBe

Chords used:
F -  133211
A -  x02220
Dm - xx0231
Bb - x13331
C -  x32010

Intro: F--A--Bb--C--

Verse 1:
F         Dm
3pm on my feet and staggering
        Bb
Through misplaced words
and a sinking feeling
C
  I got carried away
F                             Dm
Sick, sick of sleeping on the floor
                       Bb
Another night another score
          C
I'm jaded bottles breaking

Chorus 1:
F
  You're only happy when I'm wasted
A
  I point my finger but
I just can't place it
Bb
  Feels like I'm falling in love
         C
When I'm falling to
the bathroom floor
F
  I remember how you tasted
A
  I've had you so many
times lets face it
Dm
  Feels like I'm falling
         Bb
in love alone
                         F    A
Stella would you take me home?
                         Bb   C
Stella would you take me home?

Verse 2:
F            Dm
2am I'm on a blackout
binge again (ha ha ha)
                 Bb
You know I don't need
sleep and I lost my keys
   C
But I've got so many friends
         F
And they keep keep me
                Dm
coming back for more
                       Bb
Another night another score
          C
I'm faded bottles breaking

Chorus 2:
F
  You're only happy when I'm wasted
A
  I point my finger but
I just can't place it
Bb
  Feels like I'm falling in love
         C
When I'm falling to
the bathroom floor
F
  I remember how you tasted
A
  I've had you so many
times lets face it
Dm
  Feels like I'm falling
         Bb
in love alone
Stella would you take me home?

Bridge:
Dm
One more reason I should
never have met you
C
Just another reason I
could never forget you
Bb      F      C
Down we go the rooms
                  F   A
spinning outta control
Dm
Lose yourself in
a chemical moment
    C
The night life's
taking it's toll
               Bb     F
Thats just the way it goes
     Bb  C
Come on Stella would

you take me home?

Chorus 3:
You're only happy
when I'm wasted
I point my finger but
I just can't place it
Feels like I'm falling
in love alone
Stella would you take me home?

(Repeat Chorus 2 twice)

Houston we got a problem. It’s obvious I’m bound to hit the wall. Maybe it’s my bad psychology due to various factors. Or maybe this was meant to happen from the very beginning…

The guy is really nice. He is considerate, loving, caring, with a great personality, funny, blah blah blah but at the same time he is neither putting pressure on me nor having his life revolving around me. He is what I’d like to have. I dare say he is what most women would like to have as a boyfriend or even partner or husband.

But of course I’m not happy. So typical of me not feeling fulfilled and satisfied. ‘Cause you see I am definetely not in love with him. I even started dating him because my girlfriends thought that I should give him a chance. I know. It’s lame. But hell I didn’t regret it.

I had a really great time with him and even if I could turn back the clock I would make the same choice. In the beginning I even thought that I might be falling for him. I was in denial for more than 4 months. And then he went away for a while. And then I cheated on him… twice…(yes with two different men!)

Of course I’m a selfish bitch and a slut. Even though honestly I never ever felt that way. All the time he was away it was like me being single again but feeling sexier and ready to conquer every guy I desired.

Of course these nights meant nothing at all. I didn’t have the slightest feeling for the other two guys. And I would not even consider leaving my relationship in order to commit with them. They were two nights stands. As simple as that. And in case you are wondering: no I didn’t feel guilty at all. No remorse. And no regret. Frankly, I was in shock when I realized how immoral and ruthless I can be. It was an interesting discovery indeed.

And when we started being together properly and put an end in keeping our relationship alive though skype and long distant phone calls I decided that I should give it a chance. Properly. No other people. Just the two of us because to be honest the guy deserved to be treated well.

And here I am, I am loyal for months now. It’s not that I’ve been trying hard to do it. Seriously. I wasn’t even looking for anybody to sleep with or anything even when my two nights stands occured.They just happened.

My basic problem right now is that the fact that I have never been in love with my guy. Of course this is the reason I can be balanced in this relationship. No extreme emotions, hence control of everything. And it’s surely better than being single. But there are times I want to keep my distance. I don’t want him to demand to much from me. And he doesn’t demand much I have to acknowledge that.

But I often wonder how it is when you are having sex to look your partner in the eyes and feel this untamed heat inside of you. How does it feel to go mad when you don’t get a phone call and feel like a teenager when you meet the object of your desire.

I don’t know what’s gonna happen with my current boyfriend. It might end sometime soon. Or maybe not. I don’t know I guess it depends on how many compromises I am willing to make. It’s more like a friensdhip I guess since I didn’t have any loving feelings to begin with…

I love reading pop articles by researchers on the science of love.  At least at first.  By the time I’m done analyzing the article I’ve read, I’m often a bit depressed.  In truth each experiment, hypothesis or conclusion tells us very little of the overall reasons for why we fall in and out of love, are attracted to and repulsed by different people, etc.  And even if they do purport to find a reason, I’m a little disappointed at the utility falling in love inevitably entails in scientific terms.

But still, these articles can be a helluva lot of fun to read, providing just the teensiest bit of hope for an explanation of this confounding experience.

Psychologist Arthur Arun performed an experiment where he had people:

• Find a complete stranger.
• Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour.
• Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.

Apparently many of the couples felt deeply attracted to one another after the 34 minutes were up – and one couple eventually got married.

(Excuse me for a minute, I see a couple of strangers lurking outside the office).

Karen Fisher has suggested three stage of love – lust, attraction and attachment – related to three distinct brain systems that have evolved for reproduction.  The sex drive compels us to seek out a variety of partners, and is associated with the hormones testosterone and estrogen.

The second stage, romantic love, allows you to focus on one person.  Adrenaline gets activated, causing you to sweat, have a racing heart, etc.  A surge in dopamine gives you more energy, less need to sleep, and the ability to find the details of your relationship absolutely fascinating.  Seratonin also may help keep your new love on your mind (According to Dr. Donatella Marazziti of the University of Pisa, the levels are comparable to those who experience obsessive-compulsive disorder).

The third stage, attachment, with the aid of oxytocin and vasopressin, helps with the bond to keep couples together for awhile.  These are released during sex, and oxytocin is also released during childbirth, facilitating the mother-child bond.  Now, these systems obviously don’t run in a straight line – you can feel different things for different people. Attached to one, romantic interest in another, and lust for still another (or several).

Karen Fisher is also, incidentally, the scientific adviser for the dating website Chemistry.com, which promises to match people based in neurological profiling.  I’ve tried Chemistry.com, and I must be some kind of outlier, because there was no neurological matchmaking for me on any of those three levels.  Maybe I should have stared into people’s eyes longer, although I was trying to avoid the creepy stalker impression.

According to Dr. John Marsden, being in love is literally the same as an addiction.  In addition, he says we are looking for someone with just the right amount of sameness and difference – someone with some characteristics of our mother and father, with “…the smell of somebody who has a very different immune system and that stops you fancying your family.”  Ah, the romance.  And the more people have sex, the more likely they are to bond – “So your body goes all out to make you bond with your partner and that makes love highly addictive and the withdrawal sucks.”

So today’s lesson: love is something you can catch in 34 minutes and will result in you becoming an obsessive-compulsive addict.  Where do I sign on?

If you’re not sure about the science of love but are interested in loving a scientist, you can take this quiz to see who your scientific love match is. Mine’s Galileo – “He’s not for the faint of heart” according to my results. I like that.

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You have never felt the way the way you do now – with him/her. Nothing seems the same. You wonder if this is what the meaning of life is. If he/she was the one you were supposed to meet. You had tossed the idea out but now it has crept back in while you were not looking – that you might have a soulmate you were supposed to meet.

I never thought I would be writing this post so soon but some ideas were brewing and it kind of had a life of its own.

So here goes, what are the tell-tale signs you have found a soulmate:

1 There is an inexplicable connection you feel with this person. Can’t explain and don’t want to. If someone asks, ever, you hear a voice, who cares? You can’t identify where the voice is coming from – head or heart – for once, they speak in unison!

2 There is a crazy chemistry. No, not as in fireworks or explosive equations but just a relationship that works. Simple. No drama.

3 You find yourself finishing each others’ sentences. First you think its because you met someone with a personality similar to yours. Also, its easy to confuse this with just an insane infatuation that dies as quickly as it was born. Or that all too familiar feeling of “love”. So you second guess yourself, can’t help a tinge of doubt. Except that the underlying feeling kind of ranges from sweet to uncanny. The uncanny does it. How could it be? Two disparate people thinking same thoughts?

4 Just when you stoutly refused to believe all signs of a common wavelength, this hits you: You can actually communicate without talking to each other. First time, it was just a coincidence. Then the number of coincidences increased alarmingly. Now there is a feeling that borders on familiar, almost deeply tranquiler comfort.

5 You are able to say things to this being-who-came-from-nowhere-completely-unexpected that you never told anyone else. And then, horror of horrors, even things you could not imagine telling anyone else. And its all strangely natural. Like meant to be.

6 You connect. A lot. Soon, as much as you can. And then, you still long for connection. No signs of being fed up. Nope, nowhere in sight. Far longer than when others would have dropped dead by the wayside.

7 It seems long enough that the initial infatuation should be over. But the feeling isn’t over yet. On the contrary, it has gained ground. The amorphous form of bonding seems to crystallize.

8 You can talk about anything under the planet. And, a few extra-planetary topics. And it all seems very natural, even inevitable.

9 The first time you touched, it was electric. Intense. Almost harking back to a deep-seated switch and time in your brain. A long lost memory of something that never really happened. How can that be?

10 The whole thing is so crazily sensual. Yes it is. You want to separate it all out – the friendship and talking, the emotional intimacy, the sensual attraction. But they are hopelessly entwined. So interwoven, it seems pointless to even try untangling.

11 For an extremely rare moment, you feel completely understood. Yes, that’s rare. even when its momentary.

12 You have that inescapable have-met-you-before, were-looking-for-you-kind-of-feeling. Its silly. You say there is no such thing. Its vapid. Teenager-like. But its still there.

13 You feel like pouring your heart out. Never feel misunderstood or judged. Now, that’s nice for sure.

14 You find yourself getting up in the middle of the night reaching for the cellphone to text or call this person. Now, that was instinctive and your instincts don’t lie. Can they?

15 Everything is effortless. Not contrived. No trying involved. That’s refreshing.

16 An easy all-is-well-with-the-world, what-will-be-will-be feeling sweeps you.

17 You don’t feel insecure.

18 You don’t feel jealous. Which can be all wrong. Jealousy is a sign of love and lust isn’t it. So this must be different. You feel the connection, not jealousy. Logical? Not logical, but not meant to be that either.

19 You know you can give it up and get it back. You can feel it. You know it. For sure. You have never been more certain. If you give it up, it will come back. In fact, it will never go away.

20 You have this it-was-always-there feeling.

21 Its love and its more than love. Love pales in comparison. Isn’t that a big statement.

22 You don’t get irritated communicating even when you overdo it.

23 When you talk to that person, you sometimes feel like you are talking to yourself.

24 The sexuality amazes you as much as it confuses you. You have that can’t-have-enough, lets-do-it-again. And again. Thing.

25 And the converse couldn’t be more true. Connection without sex has never been better!

26 You don’t feel the battle of the sexes or gender difference. Men are this and women are that. East, west. Feeling, thinking. Visual, tactile. Probably there is a Martian colony in Venus and s/he is from there.

27 There can be a gap in your physical connection then you come back to it and it feels like it was always there.

28 You feel the ache in the middle of the night or day, anytime, anywhere. In the most unlikely places. Odd times. Like there was a connection that was lost somewhere somehow.

29 You want to share the things you do, however mundane and silly.

30 You share the books you have read and are reading.

31 You want to know what he/she has been learning. You enjoy the learning together. Unlike that fantastic loverboy who couldn’t spell.

32 No one label characterizes your relationship – lover, friend, long lost …. Whatever.

33 Sometimes you feel like you have met a twin. Age, race, physical differences don’t count. You were separated and now you meet. Yourself. Almost.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning, struggled out of bed because I was exhausted, then stumbled into the living room to grab leashes and saw a pretty large red wine stain on my carpet. Really?! Yeah, so I don’t even remember this happening.

Sad.

Sadder yet is that I didn’t think I was that drunk last night! Not drunk at all really! So I go into the kitchen and check the bottle of red wine…drops left. Seriously? I drank the whole thing? Ok, so i used it to cook, too, but I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t remember filling my glass that many times.

Oh, and the bottle of red wine came after the white ran out. That’s why this is alarming.

So I sent a text to my boy. “Was I really drunk last night?”

Boy: No, not at all. Why?
Me: Because I found a big stain on my carpet.
Boy: Oh yeah, Moxie wanted some wine, too.
Boy: But no, you didn’t seem drunk at all.
Me: Ok, I didn’t think so, but I wasn’t sure.

We kissed a LOT last night. Like in the kitchen while I was still cooking, in my living room on the couch before Ms. Moxie spilled my wine, in my bed…in my bed. I wanted him. I wanted him to stay. He wanted me, too. But instead said to me, “I can tell you are nervous. Let’s wait till we’re both ready for this.” I tingled as I typed that. Because – yeah, I was nervous. I would have gotten over it, but I was nervous. He was nervous, too. And besides, I am not sleeping with him until we have decided to be in an exclusive relationship. Sure, I think we are pretty much there and I’m ready. But until we’ve had “the talk” we’re not there.

I will have to write the rest later because I’m busy now, but all in all it was a perfect night.

dinner

My view is that our decision making processes are governed by Thomas A Harris’s PAC (Parent-Adult-Child) model; see my article on Perspective for a brief overview of the PAC model. As I indicated in my article on Termination our decision making processes are based on a number of factors chief among which are the trinity of:

• Belief – which is everything we have experienced or are experiencing, permanently recorded and stored in the Parent
• Logic – which is our thinking process taking place in the Adult, also often referred to as ‘the inner child’ or ‘who we really are’
• Emotion – which is everything we have felt or are feeling, permanently recorded and stored in the Child

It’s worth noting at this point that conflict within and/or between the Parent, Adult and Child results in a very uncomfortable psychological state known as cognitive dissonance (read more about cognitive dissonance at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance).

Ideally our decision making process should be dominated by the thinking, or evaluation, that takes place through our Adult with input from our Parent and Child. As shown in the diagram below, this results in decisions based on reality. Unfortunately where the Parent, Child or both dominate the decision making process we make less than ideal decisions. As the diagram shows, this is because the decisions are based on distorted reality, or indeed pure fantasy.

Perception of Reality

In the cases where the Parent, Child or both dominate the decision making process the reality based evaluation of the Adult is suppressed in favour of satisfying the perceived superiority of the Parent or basic instincts of the Child. This may result in particularly severe cases of cognitive dissonance sometimes not manifesting themselves until many years later.

A classic example is the seemingly heartless march of the corporate career builders among us leaving many others hurt and damaged on the way to achieving lofty corporate ambitions. We justify the hurt and damage with unreasonable Parent input e.g. admonitions we have experienced that exhort us to be ambitious and successful whatever the cost and/or unreasonable Child input e.g. getting what we want regardless of who gets hurt or damaged in the process. The other side of the coin is the ‘too nice’ people-pleasers among us. As people pleasers we develop deep resentment as a consequence of deferring to unreasonable Parent input e.g. the experience of being encouraged to do pleasing things to/for others in order to obtain acceptance, praise etc. The consequence of this is a constant, permanent recording and storing of feelings of upset and disappointment in the Child when the expected acceptance, praise etc are not forthcoming ultimately resulting in the resentment.

Then there are those decisions we make that should clearly be driven by logic (Adult) but are unfortunately driven by emotion (Child) such as:

• The termination of an employee due to prejudice, professional jealousy, dislike etc
• Dumping a partner to see if the ‘grass is greener’
• Letting a friend down for a ‘better offer’

All this can make decision making an extremely daunting prospect causing confusion, concern, worry and frustration. However we are all extremely capable of effective decision making. As Susan Jeffers very eloquently puts it in her excellent book ‘Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway’, regardless of whether our decision is ideal or not it is better to make a decision than enter a state of decision paralysis. She describes a ‘No Lose Decision Making Process’ and says of it that:

“There really is nothing to lose, only something to gain whatever the choices you make or actions in life. As I stated earlier, all you have to do to change your world is change the way you think about it. This concept works beautifully here. You can actually shift your thinking in such a way as to make a wrong decision or mistake an impossibility.”

Furthermore, paraphrasing Stuart Barnes, a British rugby union commentator:

Indecision is unacceptable. Players must make decisions. A bad decision can be turned in to a good one. Non-decision cannot be turned in to anything other than a gain, often significant, for the opposing team.

A useful collection of methods for making decisions are decision gateways. These are, in effect, quality checklists for making decisions and found in many self help books and websites. In my opinion decision gateways should be entirely positive as opposed to the traditional, functional, but limited, pros and cons lists we are so fond of. Even negatives such as inconsideration have positive aspects. For example if we think a  family member, partner, friend, acquaintance or workmate is being inconsiderate, the positive aspect is the opportunity to gently bring it to their attention and help them improve their behaviour. If they choose not to listen and we decide to end our relationship with them e.g. breaking up, ceasing communication, no longer going for a drink after work etc, the trauma of the change may well shock them in to better behaviour regardless of whether reconciliation occurs. Conversely it may well not and, indeed, possibly may worsen their behaviour!

A critical issue with decision making is our perceived need for certainty demanded by our Parent and Child. In his landmark book ‘I’m OK – You’re OK’ Thomas A Harris says:

“One of the realities of the human predicament is that we frequently have to make decisions before all of the facts are in. This is true of any commitment. It is true of marriage. It is true of voting. It is true of signing a petition. It is true of the establishment of priorities. It is true of those values we embrace independently – that is, with the Adult.

“The Child in us demands certainty. The Child wants to know that the sun will come up every morning, that Mother will be there, that the ‘bad guy’ will always get it in the end; but the Adult can accept the fact that there is not always certainty. Philosopher Elton Trueblood states:

The fact that we do not have absolute certainty in regard to any human conclusions does not mean that the task of inquiry is fruitless. We must, it is true, always proceed on the basis of probability, but to have probability is to have something. What we seek in any realm of human thought is not absolute certainty, for that is denied us as men, but rather the more modest path of those who find dependable ways of discerning different degrees of probability. Source – Elton Trueblood, General Philosophy (New York: Harper, 1963)”

In summary my view on decision making is that we should:

• Always trust our Adult to make decisions taking input from our Parent and Child while at the same time curbing their urge to dominate the decision making process
• Use decision gateways that accentuate the positive especially in relation to negative aspects
• Let go of the need for certainty and embrace the exciting new possibilities of uncertainty all the while being aware of the risks

Stay strong and serene.

‘This is a story of boy meets girl..‘ and it’s an increasingly successful one at that. 500 Days Of Summer tells the story of a boy (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), fuelled by his passion and determination to love the girl he loves (Zooey Deschanel) and to be loved in return. However, that’s not always the case, is it readers? This may be a tale of boy meets girl, but this is no ordinary love story. It is cruel, it is complicated, much like love is, but it is also a tale that hasn’t been told enough. It has gotten to the point where some film critics feel that the typical on-screen romance with the happily ever after is overused and overappreciated. So it would come as a breath of fresh, invigorating air when they see this masterpiece of a romcom which can only be described as ‘a real life love story.‘ This is hardly an on screen performance, it’s the stuff of reality. It’s sort of like Mr. & Mrs. Smith, except there are no guns.. Or explosions, and no conspiring against each other, oh and it’s better..

Both Deschanel and Levitt portray this so well, it almost made me cry. Yes, that’s right, you can see at every moment what their characters are thinking, you can see the emotion in their faces and equally the lack of emotion when necessary. Levitt plays a trained architect, who is an unfortunate greetings card writer known as Tom Hansen, until he meets Summer Finn (Deschanel) when his life his turned upside down, quite literally in fact. Summer isn’t looking for a boyfriend, in fact she thinks relationships are pointless and messy, but it doesn’t stop Tom from trying nonetheless. Evidently, they fall in love, but things start to get a bit rocky…

The strange thing about 500 Days Of Summer, is that once I started watching, I felt morally compelled to continue watching, and I was rather addicted from the start. There’s so much truth in this film, it’s almost like someone grabbed a few cameras and invested themselves into a couple’s lives, a struggling couple at that. The film features so many beautiful and noteworthy points, including a nice scene where the screen splits into two and plays two different lifestyles, what’s ‘expected‘ and what’s ‘reality,’ which was ultimately a stroke of genius. It’s classy, adventurous and it’s happened to us all, if it hasn’t, it will. A pleasure to watch, I will be buying this on DVD.

(clicky) Quiet Storm (album download) (clicky)

Here’s part 3 of the track walkthrough for my new album Quiet Storm.  Enjoy, download the album if you haven’t heard it (at the link above or the one at the foot of the page) and find parts 1 & 2 of the track walkthrough too, if you haven’t read those.

12. Rain (Interlude)

This was nothing more than a simple segue between “Quiet Storm”, and the literal idea of a storm, and the next track, “Jump Off (Part II)” which has a very dark, sad feel.  I thought that the rain was effective, atmospheric, and also reminds me of the interludes on Janet Jackson’s janet. album where there would be short, simple interludes of rain and wind which would keep the mood flowing.

13.  Jump Off (Part II)

This song is another of my favourite songs on the album, and is one of the more personal tracks also.  Lyrically, it discusses feeling like even when you fall for people, they can tell you the nicest things but by next week, you’re old news and they’re onto the next.  It’s about feeling used, even if you were down for it at the time, but realising that just because someone tells you that you’re beautiful or that they love you, doesn’t mean they mean it.  So in the song, I’m wondering whether even in all my dalliances over the past couple of years, I’ve let my heart get hurt all the time when it was just about sex and I should have just focused on the fun.  Musically, I like the combination of the deep beats and the music box / piano over the top, which gives it a combination of darkness and fragility.  Originally, the song was going to be a straightforward R&B ballad (and you can hear a snippet of the original version on my High Fashion mixtape), but having heard The-Dream’s original version of Mariah Carey’s “H.A.T.E.U.” (as well as the snippet of her version, on the fantastic Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel) I was inspired to totally revamp the track, restructuring the lyrics somewhat as well as making the music much more R&B and much more emotional and sensitive.  I think it worked, and I was so pleased with the way that this track turned out.

14. Devastate Me

This song is based on a track that is allegedly an instrumental from Britney Spears’ Blackout sessions (IMO, her best album along with In The Zone), since I found it on a mixtape with lots of other songs.  If you listen closely in the background, then you can hear what sounds like tiny snatches of Britney’s voice once or twice.  Anyway, I liked the dark, intense feel of the track, along with its pulsing beats and menacing strings, so I just decided to write some lyrics over the top of it.  The idea of feeling devastated seemed to go with the dramatic nature of the music, and lyrically the song speaks about somebody having you wrapped around their finger, and even though you might be in love with them or have formed some attachment to that person, you still know that they’re not necessarily good for you, and at any moment they could let you down or leave you in the dust, and you’ve put so much effort into loving them that you’re left with nothing – devastated.  The idea of knowing this is where the line “you done tricked me twice so the shame is not on you” comes in – you know exactly what you’re letting yourself in for, you just can’t make yourself resist, however hard you try.  It’s a tricky and intense situation!

15. Kissing You

This song was a really happy accident!  Some of the tracks on here took months of planning and development to come to fruition production-wise, whereas this took maybe a day or so.  I remember waking up in the morning and just having the refrain “Kissing you…. all I can think of is” going round and round in my brain.  One of the songs that inspired the whole nocturnal, R&B/dark concept of the album (when I was deciding what kind of feel I wanted to explore for my next project) was the track “When We Kiss (Missing You)” by an old girl group, Solid Harmonie, which I used to listen to when I was about 13 or 14!  So I doubt many people will recognise the sample of that song, which is what this track is based upon.  The deep, sparse bass and Japanese martial-arts type yell are from that song, as well as the bridge (which sneakily uses the girls’ vocals as backing, while I sing over the top).  I accentuated the oriental aspect of the production by adding some piano and shamisen to the mix, as well as extra beats towards the end.  I wanted the song to be mysterious, as its about an obsession that you can’t explain or logically untangle, but something that you can’t resist and just have to follow.  It’s where your heart rules your head, be it through lust or love.  The song is focused on the physical (a kiss) but also the emotional, of a love arriving when you least expect it and taking over your world.  The negative (as explored in “Jump Off (Part II)” and “Devastate Me”) ceding to the positive (this song and the next).  Love triumphing.  This song is one of the sexier songs on the record, even though it’s not really about sex.  It’s one of my favourites too, as it really has that mysterious, nocturnal feel that I wanted to be the overarching theme of the album.  It’s subtle, yet intense.

16. In Love

Like the last track, this song is largely built upon a girl-group sample.  In this case, it’s Mis-Teeq’s “It’s Beginning To Feel Like Love”, which was an album track from Eye Candy.  I liked the spacey feel of the song (a track that didn’t make it into the album or the mixtape was actually called “Space”), and I wanted to write a ballad that was very chilled, that you could relax to.  I said that I thought “Secret” was possibly the most romantic track on Quiet Storm, but perhaps this gives it a run for its money.  It’s just about how happy love can make you feel, and how unexpected the intensity of that happiness can be.  It’s about feeling untouchable in the midst of love, and about all your pain being healed by your feelings for that other person, and their reciprocation of those feelings towards you.  It’s a very optimistic, healing track lyrically, and the calmness of the production adds to that.  I added in some piano (again!) in the bridge to give it a little extra kick towards the end.

17. Come Home To Me

For me, this track is definitely going to be a single from Quiet Storm.  It’s very short and sweet, very immediate, and the beat is quite reggae-inspired, despite the overall feel of the production being straightforward R&B/pop.  The thunder rumbling at the very start of the song fits in with the overarching idea of a “Quiet Storm”, but it also represents the lyrical motif of the song, saying that although we had storms in the past, it’s time to get over it.  It’s about a lover who may have been unfaithful or made mistakes, so you had a bust-up, but now you’re ready to forgive them and give things another try.  It’s about recognising that sometimes, even though we may try to be strong and independent, ultimately we have to forgive someone’s transgressions and not cut our nose off to spite our face.  That’s not always the right message, and sometimes someone may do something too serious to be able to let them back in.  But when it’s the little things that cause a breakup, with time you can see whether it’s really worth being alone or whether it’s better to forgive and make up.  The song steals from Rihanna’s “Umbrella” towards the end, with the “forever ever ever eh eh eh” at the end – that was just a little bit of fun!  The backing vocals in the second verse are also inspired from a nu-classic Janet Jackson track, “Take Care”, from her 20 Y.O. album, which IMO is one of her best works and seriously underrated – another track which infused the concept and production within my album.

The final part, iv, coming soon!  Keep it locked, and thankyou all for the support once again.

(clicky) Quiet Storm (album download) (clicky)

If you were to see me when I’m walking alone, like through the halls at work, down the stairs or standing waiting for the elevator, you’d certainly know something was up. These are the times when I think about all the sweet things The AA says and does. And I often catch myself smiling that giddy in love smile that makes me feel like a schoolgirl again.

“What’s up with The Cupcake Lady?” You’d wonder to yourself or maybe even ask if you’re the nosy type. And I’d smile, giggle and get that starry eyed look that seems to be plastered on my face at all times.

“Oh, nothing,” I’d likely say. “I was just remembering something that made me happy.” And it’s not hard. I don’t have to dig for these moments in my head. They’re there everywhere I look, every step I take, every time I look into his eyes, every moment we spend together.

I’ve never experienced anything like this, and now I know why Alex would get so excited when he’d say “If I could just get you to do this my way I know we could get you everything you want!” He was right. I’m doing it his way and I’m getting everything I could ever want…and so much more.

Now let me go daydream some more about those pretty little babies we’ll make someday. You have no idea how pretty they’ll be, I’m sure, but I know. The prettiest.

I’ve been so happy the last 3 days. I hung out with mike this weekend. And at first it seemed like he didn’t feel the same way I did. (I wanted to hook up like no other.) Jenny dropped me off at where he worked and he drove me home. We hung out in the park and talked for like forever. And then I kept trying to get him to wrestle me, but he kept giving up. I thought it was the medications he’s on. Maybe they kill libido? I’m sure they do. But that hardly mattered later ; )

He said we could go back to his place, so we did, and we watched a bunch of ridiculous YouTube videos. At first I was paying attention, but after a while all I wanted to do was cuddle up next to him. But alas, I was sitting on the drum stool and he was in his chair. Finally as I was falling asleep, I kept wondering, is he just going to take me home? Or am I supposed to sleep here? He  jumped into bed and stripped down to boxers. I totally struck a hand on hip pose and couldn’t believe it. “I’ve been trying to get to you all night!”

“Oh, I didn’t think you wanted to…” he said.

“Of course I did!”

So I jumped into bed next to him, jeans and all, and we both hugged each other like we had missed that half of us. I felt so happy, my heart was pounding… It’s what I’d wanted for such a long time. I could hardly believe I got it. Sure, this is mike and he’d take anything, but it seemed like more.”So. You missed me?” he asked.

“I missed you so much… we didn’t even talk for 2 months,” I said and snuggled closer. Then we kissed. God it felt so good. They were so tender and loving… then the tickling and wrestling began for a bit. We both rolled off the bed at some point. He kept saying, ” Don’t start this again! You know I’m just going to win.”  Which was entirely true, but I was ok with that.

I just remember being so entirely happy that I was back with him, even if it was just for one night. I remember thinking, what if I fall in love with him? How bad am I going to hurt myself when he cheats on me? Because really, it’s not an if but a when. “what am I getting myself into?” I kept asking. But for now I’m happy.

The next day we didnt wake up till 3 or so. So I missed the game, comic con, seeing Ryan, burrito breakfast, and tailgate. I felt awful, but I made it up to Chloe, jake and Jen later. And HR too. I told HR most of the truth, that I spent the day with my Boyfriend, which he isn’t, but that makes more sense. She totally understood.

We ended up cuddling and kissing and biting the afternoon away till I said I wanted to have sex. But he had no condom so things started to slow down. Then he got one from his mom’s bf, and things started up from there. He jumped to it a little quickly, but it worked out. Not as painful as usual, and we switched top and bottom 3 times. I kept working my button while he worked away, and i actually orgasmed! Not the best one ever, but good none the less. Maybe like a 4 on the scale of ones Ive had. He slipped out just as I was in the middle of finishing, so it would have been even better if he’d stayed put.

I kept noticing that I 10 fold like to mess around more than actual sex. I feel more connected when messing around. He’s the first person I’ve ever kissed and been ok with making eye contact with at the same time, even if only for brief periods. It’s funny how much I liked to see his eyes catch the light even though they were just squinting, because I knew he was looking.

The next day I told everyone we just talked and I went home and slept till 3. I went to a party with jake, jenny and Chloe and I felt a little on the outside. But then we watched Zach and Miri make a porno and it made everything better. That movie is fantastic. Then jenny dropped me off at home, and I waited up for mike to get off work and stop by to pick up his silly glasses and stuff.

He finally got there, and when he put them on he looked so goddamn cute in his white t-shirt and jeans. I can’t believe I ever would have dated a guy with long hair, but hey, it happened. Then he convinced me to go back to his house and spend the night. I was so happy to be curled up next to him. We fell asleep holding hands. I slept so well. Even waking him up was fun. Just whispering for him to wake up, a few nibbles here and there, and  butterfly kisses mixed in. 2 cigarettes later he was up and stumbling around. He drove me home and we hugged like it was terrible to be letting each other leave. He started to walk away, with no goodbye kiss, but I couldn’t let that happen.

“Wait! Aren’t you forgetting a goodbye kiss?”

“I thought you didnt want one.”

“Why would I not want one?”

Anyways, Im so happy Im back with him, or whatever this is. It’s nice to feel loved and adored.

Tangent, but It was sad to see him as thin as he was. He’s lost so much weight, and lots of muscle. He would lean down to get something, and I would see his ribs. It just made me a bit sad, and it made me want to hug him more.

Anyways, I gotta hit the hay, I’m due for blood to be drawn at 7 so I can start Accutane. Hopefully this makes my skin as beautiful as I want it to be.

Good night, and I’m happy I have someone to tell this to.

PS- my new favorite spot to be bitten, on the back of my neck.

And I can’t help but wonder what’s going to happen with this. I think I might be falling for him. But hey, that would be one more thing to cross off my bucket list. Falling in love. Maybe I’ll get a motorcycle this summer and that will be another thing to cross off.

I’m also down to 116.5! WOOHOO! Finally! but now I realize I need more muscle tone. I think thats what Ive needed the whole time.

Had a good night with S and smoking a 27 was delicious. Good convo with her about weight loss and other random stuff. We went shopping today and got food and crickets, etc.

Do you remember what is was like to “fall in love”? Even the wisest man that ever lived, Solomon, could not understand how a man and a woman fall in love:  ”There are three things that are too hard for me, really four I don’t understand: the way an eagle flies in the sky, the way a snake slides over a rock, the way a ship sails on the sea, and the way a man and a woman fall in love.” Proverbs 30:18-19 (NCV)

done

Helen Rowland states: “When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of all the other men she knew for the inattention of just one man.”

I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on my wife to be. I was in charge of a freshman reception and was chatting with the incoming freshmen. It was outside, late August, and I was naturally checking out the incoming freshmen girls. I turned around and noticed this shy gal with the sweetest smile and expression. I went over to talk with her and her friends, but there was just something about her that grabbed my heart. She had the sweetest spirit of any girl I had ever met. Well, it wasn’t but a couple months and we were engaged, and marriage came within nine months of our meeting. (Just a coincidence)

We were flying back from our honeymoon and this guy next to me asked if my trip was business or pleasure. I said pleasure, I’m on my honeymoon. He looked at me, mystified, and said, where’s your wife? I said, a couple rows back, cuz they couldn’t get our seats together. We were still at the gate and he said, I’ll be happy to change seats. I said, “Naw, that’s ok, we’ve been together all week.”

Hopefully you can remember those days when you excitedly ran to meet your future wife or husband. You may have even met them at the door wrapped in Saran Wrap, or with a sexy nightie. But soon those days melt away to kids and diapers and headaches. If you’re lucky the kids still come to the door to excitedly greet you. But after they get older, hopefully your dog comes and greets you, wagging his tale. But once he gets too old, you are pretty much on your own.

Studies show that married couples spend an average of just 27 minutes a week actively communicating.

I’m not talking about, Honey, what do you want for dinner? You respond “Ugh” They say OK. That doesn’t count.
I’m talking about meaningful shared conversation.

Most of us fall in love, and if we are not careful, we let trials, selfishness, neglect, anger, problems lead us to fall out of love.

Two Stumbling Sinners Falling Toward God and Each Other

We need to realize it’s ok to stumble, it’s ok to fight, it ok to have struggles in your marriage, as long as you are falling the right way. Falls are inevitable, but we can take some steps that will enable us to control the direction we fall.

Just as my wife and I fell in love rather quickly, the danger is always there that we fall out of love. We learned that love is not a passive emotion. God intends us to actively engage in love, to be purposeful with our love, just as God actively uses marriage to accomplish His purpose for our lives. God wants our marriage to be much more than polite “civil” arrangements. He wants us to be dynamically involved with Him in allowing this marriage to make us more like Jesus Christ.

If you have stopped moving toward your spouse, you have stopped moving toward God. The opposite of “agape” love isn’t hate, it is “apatheia” which is no emotion, indifference, apathy. If you are not purposefully moving toward your spouse, you are indifferent toward your spouse. To make matters worse, if you have stopped moving toward your spouse, your love for God is lacking. God has inextricably combined our love for our spouse with our love for Him.

DIFFICULT FOR MEN

This active moving toward your spouse is more difficult for men.

1. Men Are Less Communicative

• We think warm and fuzzy thoughts about our wife
• We have trouble expressing those thoughts
• Men do not realize the damage they do by simply staying quiet

2. Men View Independence As Sign Of Strength And Maturity

• We must be willing to stand alone
• God is always moving toward people
• To flee relationship is an act of cowardice
• Easier to get someone young
• Maturing relationship challenges his authority and power
• We sulk when we don’t get our way.
• We can’t take the “give and take” of a real relationship, so we pour ourselves into our work and play.

God calls men to centrally move toward your wife. This moving toward your wife is what will mold you into the image of Christ.

There Will Be Emotional Highs and Lows

Madeleine L’Engle (A Wrinkle in Time) wrote a little poem which expresses what many couples feel at one time or another. She directed this toward God:

Dear God,
I hate you.
Love, Madeleine

Her love for God is the foundation of her hate. Even though she hates Him at the moment, she says she still loves him. Even in the moments of anger, betrayal, exasperation and hurt, we are called to pursue this person, to embrace them and to grow toward them.

WE EACH MUST INITIATE INTIMACY

Marriage is much more than “I agree to never have sex with anyone else.” Marriage is a GIFT of SELF that goes way beyond sexual fidelity. You can have a great marriage in the eyes of the world by doing many external deeds of love, but all the while you are holding back the most precious gift-your inner self. That gift must be consciously and continually given through communication.

Verbal Communication

You need times of communicating, not just through raised voices. You each need to learn how to accommodate your spouse and their particular communication skills or lack thereof:

From Annie Hall: Alvy addresses a pair of strangers on the street:
Alvy Singer: Here, you look like a very happy couple, um, are you?
Female street stranger: Yeah.
Alvy Singer: Yeah? So, so, how do you account for it?
Female street stranger: Uh, I’m very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say.
Male street stranger: And I’m exactly the same way.
Alvy Singer: I see. Wow. That’s very interesting. So you’ve managed to work out something?

Physical Communication

While men certainly need to discover the importance of nonsexual touching, most wives discover that if a woman is not pursuing her husband sexually, just about every other movement toward her husband will go unnoticed.

“A wife may demonstrate her love in many ways, but it is often negated by her rejection or lack of enjoyment of sex. You may be a great housekeeper, a gourmet cook, a wonderful mother…but if you turn him down consistently in the bedroom oftentimes those things will be negated. To a man, sex is the most meaningful declaration of love and self-worth” (Love that Lasts, p 152). Men and women just have a totally different view about the importance of sex:

In the movie  ”Annie Hall” you see a split screen with Annie and Alvy both in conversation with their respective therapist:

Alvy Singer’s Therapist: How often do you sleep together?
Alvy Singer: [lamenting] Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
Annie Hall’s Therapist: Do you have sex often?
Annie Hall: [annoyed] Constantly. I’d say three times a week.

Now communication either verbally or physically is not the focus of this message. (THANK GOD)
What I do want to emphasize is this, communication is important to please God and see Him working in your marriage.

• Some of you men may say “Why should I talk to her or be affectionate when she never wants to have sex?”
• Some of you women may say “Why should I have sex when he never talks to me or shows me he cares for me?”

The question you should ask is how can I keep moving toward God when my wife or my husband is causing me so much pain or frustration or problems. The answer will be found in how God wants you to keep falling toward your spouse when you want to do the exact opposite.

Typically a marriage book will say “Well you have to do A if you want to get B! Husbands, if you do this it will get her revved up and jumping into bed. Here is the point-if marriage is about making God happy, it involves a lot more than going to sleep with a smile on your face. God wants to use your marriage for your spiritual benefit and growth. It’s all about God remember?

MARRIAGE METHODS

1.Self-Centered

• Withholding Approach –Selfish, moving away, marriage is more about getting what you want
• Wanting Approach – Basically self – centered; you realize to get what you want, you have to give a little. So you move toward each other, but you still guard yourself. Marriage is a continual process of give and take, but the intimacy is on a constant roller coaster.

2. Spouse-Centered

This is the Willing Approach. You have given your marriage to God and you realize that your spouse is important to you, right or wrong. So you pay her attention, you focus on her needs, you treat her with love. She does the same for you. It’s not always perfect, but for the most part you are willing to honor your spouse.
You can still fall short of spiritual intimacy and growth.

There is a spiritual discipline that you must consider following. It is the:

3. God-Centered

This is the Waiting Approach. You add another dimension to the willing approach. You consider God as you seek to love and communicate with your spouse. In fact, God is the very reason you fall toward her, communicate with her, have physical relations with her. You treat your relationship with your spouse as you do God. No matter what God does good or bad in your life, He is God, and you owe Him your undying devotion and attention. No matter what your spouse does or says, they are your spouse, and you owe them your undying devotion and attention. Wait means “To wait or to look for with eager expectation”

The waiting approach applies if both spouses are moving toward God, or if only one is.

• Psalms 25:5 Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.
• Psalms 33:20 Our soul waiteth for the LORD: he is our help and our shield.
• Psalms 27:14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
• Hosea 12:6 Therefore turn thou to thy God: keep mercy and judgment, and wait on thy God continually.
• Psalms 123:2 Behold, as the eyes of servants look unto the hand of their masters, and as the eyes of a maiden unto the hand of her mistress; so our eyes wait upon the LORD our God, until that he have mercy upon us.

A Christian is never dependent upon the response of others to grow spiritually. He is looking to God and waiting expectantly Our relationship with God is dependent only upon our heart decisions. If you have truly given yourself to God, you will want to give yourself to your spouse. If you are holding back areas of your life from God, you will hold back parts of yourself from God.

The WAITING APPROACH TO MARRIAGE

1. God’s Will and Pleasure is Supreme
2. God uses your marriage and your spouse to refine you into likeness of Christ
3. Just as you keep moving to God, you must keep moving toward your spouse by giving yourself (whether they do or not)
4. You look to God with expectation of His provision and power in your marriage.
5. You Forgive your spouse
6. You Serve your spouse

Fellowship with our spouse that mirrors our fellowship with Christ is one which acknowledges our sinfulness and embraces His forgiveness. The challenge is not to keep on loving the person you thought you married, but to love the person you did marry! (A Sense of Sexuality, p. 197)

Falling Forward will always involve Forgiveness

The Prodigal God showed us that while the Father let the son go, he was constantly looking out for the return, so that He could fall forward upon the neck of his son. We can’t depend upon someone else to determine what we do. God was actively seeking the lost when He sent Jesus to this earth. We often use our spouse’s sin to pull back, to hold back to Withdraw. We all sin, so even in our sin we should fall forward into the arms of God and the arms of each other.

A Stonemason was charged with inscribing a headstone for a woman’s husband. He inscribed the husband’s name and this common phrase: “Rest in Peace”
A few months later the wife discovered that her husband had been unfaithful. In a fury she returned to the stonemason and had him add these words to the gravestone:
Rest in Peace…
Till we meet again.

None of us got married for the reason “It gives us an opportunity to forgive!” But we certainly must…

How to Build a Forgiving Spirit into your Life

1.See Yourself as God Sees You – A Stumbling Sinner

To constantly be moving forward to God means we must be continually forgiven. To see that same spiritual growth in our marriage, and to move toward each other, we must also practice forgiveness. We do so by realizing our need for forgiveness on a daily basis. We must see that sin is anything that we do without dependence upon God. We don’t hold up God’s Law to our spouse and say “How Could You!” If anything, we hold up God’s Law and say forgive me Father, I am unclean. I have no right to condemn.

Romans 3:20 (NIV) Therefore no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin.

The law wasn’t created by God for two spouses to hold each other up to an impossible standard with which they can beat each other over the head. A “self-righteous” spouse is an obnoxious spouse, even though they are momentarily blameless. Eventually the spouse will slip to. The worst thing you can do is to hit your husband over the head with a Bible Verse.

2.Realize to Withhold Forgiveness is to Invite the Cancer of Bitterness into Your Life and Marriage.

Hebrews 12:12-15 (ESV)Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;

Focusing on the sin invites a cancer into your life. God says to lift your hands and strengthen your knees and make straight paths, so you can be healed. To not do so, to not forgive, to not seek holiness, you are blocking God from your heart. Instead, bitterness will crust and harden your heart, it will spread, and it will bring more trouble into your life and those around you. This is especially true if you are in a second or third marriage. If there is still unforgiveness from those prior marriages, you are bringing bitterness into your present marriage.

Shoah is a documentary film on the Holocaust. In one scene the leader of the Warsaw Ghetto uprising talks about the bitterness that remains in his heart toward the Germans. “If you could lick my heart, it would poison you!”

3. Forgiveness invites God’s Healing Into Your Marriage and Life

James 5:16 (ESV) Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

Example of Forgiveness

Gary Thomas tells of Melissa and Bryant, who after 25 years of marriage began facing a severe problem. Melissa discovered Bryant had been cheating on her. She had contracted an STD. Melissa remembers the day Oct 16 1997. She went totally numb. She tried to find answers from the Bible, but she could find none.

To compound the problem, Bryant was pastor of the church they attended, and Melissa sang on the worship team. To her horror, she remembered she was to sing this Sunday at a special service in which most of Bryant’s family would be there. One of those people was her unsaved brother-in-law who was dying of lung cancer.

Surrounded by Bryant’s family, Melissa led the worship team and listened to her husband preach. Then she watched as their brother-in-law came forward and received Christ as his Savior. She thought that even though her pain was devastating, it wasn’t bigger than God.

She remembered looking at her husband and saying “I know I have to forgive you and I’m going to. But she was not flooded with a great sense of forgiveness. She was confronted with the truth of having to forgive.” Forgiveness was the only way she could stay right with God.

In the months that followed Melissa was constantly confronted with forgiving her husband. She learned that there had been more than one affair, and she knew she was in her rights to kick Bryant out of her life. But she said “Forgiveness was the harder option, but I never felt in my heart that divorce was the right thing to do” “I’ve always lived my life by conviction and the harder road is not something I’m afraid to take.” I’ve learned that even when you are in great pain, we’re not excused from considering others and from carrying out our call to witness to God’s faithfulness.”

Melissa told Gary that forgiveness kept bitterness and anger at bay. It saved her marriage, brought Bryant around and moved Melissa many steps closer to more fully modeling the person of Jesus Christ. Melissa took the bitter juice of her marriage and by offering that to God, made spiritual honey in her life.

We love the sinner but hate the sin. Except when it comes to our spouse. Yet, turn the tables around and we love ourselves in spite of our wretched sin. We learn to forgive ourselves to maintain our own health, So why not our spouse?

“As an old man, Bill, looking back on one’s life, it’s one of the things that strike you most forcibly–that the only thing that’s taught one anything is suffering.  Not success, not happiness, not anything like that.  The only thing that really teaches one what life’s about–the joy of understanding, the joy of coming in contact with what life really signifies–is suffering, affliction.”Nearer, My God: An Autobiography of Faith by William F. Buckley, Jr. (Harcourt, Brace & Co., 1997) p. 211; quoting Malcolm Muggeridge.

(This accords with the ancient Greek proverb “pathein mathein”–“to suffer is to learn” and calls to mind that most mysterious of NT verses, Hebrews 5:8, “Though a Son, He learned obedience through what He suffered.”)

A God-centered spouse who practices the Waiting Approach:

1. Waits Upon God
2. Gives YourSelf By Communicating
3. Forgives Your Spouse
4. Waits Upon Your Spouse by Serving

The Waiting Approach requires you to actually wait on your Spouse. You become a servant of your spouse.

Falling Forward will always involve SERVING

The essence of our falling forward toward God, toward our spouse is found in Phil 2:
Philippians 2:1-8 (NIV) If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death– even death on a cross!

Most marriages begin by bringing certain things to the table:

• Wife brings her body, her admiration, her dog, her funny personality, her debt, her money, her organizations skills, cooking abilities…
• Is my wife attractive to me, will she take care of me, wash my clothes, feed me, take care of the home, keep it nice, look good when we go out…
• Husband brings himself, his career, money, strength, confidence, hopes, dreams, debt, money, endurance, strength, cooking abilities…
• This is why we marry: Can this guy support me, would he make a good father, do I find him attractive, will he make me feel special and loved.

If you keep expecting from your spouse, you will keep going through those withholding – wanting – willing cycles. Eventually you either get too hurt, or too tired or too anything. You end up leaving because your found someone else that meets your expectations better, or you end up settling, living as individual people separated by a wall of politeness and preoccupation with what you want to do.

A God-Centered Spouse keeps falling toward God and that spouse He brought into your life. You don’t fall away, you fall toward.

• Forgiveness is a must to keep the hurts from piling up and building that wall of separation.
• Servant hood is a must to keep you falling toward your spouse.

SO we must learn to ask ourselves: How can I serve my mate? Most people do not enter into marriage with the idea of becoming a servant. It is demeaning to women, and emasculating to men.

Why is it empowering to give yourself as a servant to our Lord Jesus Christ, and yet demeaning or emasculating to give yourself to your spouse as a life-long co-servant? To fully sanctify the marital relationship, we must live it together as Jesus lived His life-embracing the discipline of sacrifice and service as a daily practice. In the same way Jesus gave His body for us, we are to lay down our energy, our bodies and our lives for others, especially our spouse.

Instead of “will you do this for me”
“Will you accept what I want to give?”

You become consumed with how well you are carrying out the duty of serving your spouse.

SERVING YOUR SPOUSE

1.Serving Because God Lives Within Me

1 John 3:16-18 (ESV) By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

2.Serving Because I Want God To Live In Them

John 3:17 (NIV) For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

• Serving not because they deserve it
• Serving regardless of reciprocal treatment

3. Serving With A Willing Spirit

Eph 6:6,7 doing the will of God from your heart. Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men (your spouse)

• Dutiful isn’t necessarily beautiful
• Beauty of God is reflected in our attitude and Spirit
  • Verbal expressions –sigh, puff of exasperation, rolling of eyes, hunched up shoulders, the headache grimace, grunting when I have to do something.
  • Expressed attitudes reveal a self-serving spirit, a wanting spirit, a selfish spirit.

4. Serving in Practical Matters

a.Time & Money

• Quarrels over money reflect a demand to “own” our own life rather than serve each other with our money, our things and our existence.
• How much am I willing to sell my marriage for-30 pieces of silver?
• Ask, how does spending this money serve my spouse?
• Am I putting money before my spouse?
• Same applies to our time and the things we use to occupy it.
• Am I spending time to serve my spouse?

b.Sex

In 1958, when Player won his first tour event in Kentucky, he was asked for his reaction to a new Callaway driver he had helped develop and used during the victory. “Like a fool, I said that if I had to choose between the driver and my wife, well, I’d miss her,” Player recalls, laughing. “A week later I’m at the next tournament in Oregon and I walk in the (hotel) room and there’s my driver on the bed with a negligee wrapped around it.

• Sex brings a husband and a wife under tremendous relational power.
• Sex can cure everything from depressions, to migraine headaches, although those usually keep you from wanting sex.
• Sex between a husband and wife can be a powerful experience in serving.
• Likewise it can reveal the lack of serving.

The problem with illicit sexual behavior – sex between other people besides a married husband and wife, is it focuses on getting. Sex becomes the preoccupation, rather Than the needs of the spouse. Each spouse should constantly be asking:

• Is sex something I’m giving or withholding
• Is sex something I’m demanding or offering
• Is sex something I am using as a tool of manipulation or as an expression of generous love?
• If God looked at nothing other than my sexuality, would he consider me a mature Christian or as a near pagan.

God-centered Spouses see God in every aspect of their marriage.

Forgiveness and Serving-two powerful results of focusing our lives on God. When our spouse errs, hurts, even abuses us, we forgive for Christ sake who loved and gave himself to us. This forgiveness is not dependent upon anything our spouse does. We must not allow any bitterness or resentment or hurt or pain get in the way of our relationship with God. We must not allow our partners sin build a wall of bitterness on our heart.

Serving is the way we see God in a more powerful way. We need to see Him in our lives, or else we won’t have the strength or the spirit to serve. We must see that by serving our spouse, we are serving God, and God will use this to open our spouse’s heart to God. We must see the importance of service in every aspect of our marriage – money sexual relations, spending time. Marriage and the willingness to serve will bring the reality of the cross to your life.

Do you see the face of God in your spouse? Do you see God as your Father-in-Law, watching the way you regard his son or his daughter.

Jesus knew that the time of His death was near. He also knew that none of his disciples would stay with him. He knew Peter would deny Him, Judas would betray Him. Yet Jesus went one by one and washed their feet. Do you think he really rubbed Judas feet till they hurt? No Jesus washed each one as if he was washing the feet of His Father. He wanted God to be so much in their lives.

Are You Falling Toward Your Spouse? Or Are You Falling Away?

I understand that this blog has been a bit Rihanna-focused lately, but between the new material that has been premiering online and the publicity surrounding her 20/20 interview (which is a must-see – check it out at Toya’s World), I’ve been hooked on her once again.

Within this interview (which resonated with me more than I will go into on this particular post), Rihanna said two things that I thought were particularly interesting.  One thing was the notion of feeling ashamed and embarrassed when the picture of her battered face was leaked by the media – because she fell in love with a person who could do that to her.  Obviously you can’t help who you fall in love with, you never know how abusive they might be until the first time it happens, and the notion of shame is one that we could debate for days anyway.  But the idea of that was interesting to me, that there are certain of us who seem to feel humiliated or ashamed by things that are essentially not our fault – yet we take the blame for ourselves.  It reminded me of a time when I was dating L, and we found out that we had a friend in common, M.  So everything was cool, and it was a nice coincidence and all that business.  And I remember having a conversation with L, and he said that M had told him effectively to be gentle / careful with me as I’d been hurt in the past.  I remember just feeling utterly mortified, humiliated and ashamed.  I wasn’t angry (and I’m not angry about it now) – after all, M wasn’t wrong, and I wasn’t embarrassed by the fact that he had told L to treat me nicely; although it wasn’t necessary for him to do that, I appreciated the sentiment and understand that M was only looking out for me.

But I felt ashamed that someone viewed me as fragile, vulnerable or emotionally unstable.  That someone might have to explain my apparent insecurities to someone else made me feel humiliated.  I mean, yes, I have been hurt in the past (and then during that relationship – although I caused L hurt too, something which I still feel sad about, as I never meant to – and since) and my reluctance to let somebody in right away stems from that.  I was discussing with Emma last night that I am a very suspicious person, and if someone is friends with me or enters into a relationship with me, or even just approaches me in a bar or whatever flirtatious setting, I can’t help but wonder why they’re doing it, what they want from me, and whether they just want to use me up and throw me away.  I guess that comes from past experiences, and also probably what I’ve learned from my mother.  But I can’t help suspecting people, and I admit that I’m still growing as a person and I’m more insecure than I might care to admit to anyone who isn’t very close to me.  So for somebody to not only penetrate the façade I uphold of being strong (and at the same time as being a vulnerable person, I also believe that I am a strong person and that the two can co-exist within me), of being independent and of being teflon, but also to have to make excuses for the way I am and the fact that I might not let somebody in as quickly as 1-2-3 made me feel embarrassed.

Why should I feel embarrassed about myself?  In relationships, I don’t know what is up with me but I generally manage to get into these tortuous situations without ever having something concrete that lasts very long.  But I am a popular person, an intelligent person and a handsome person – my friends say that I will not be single for long, etc. etc.  These are things people say – who knows whether it will come true or not?  There’s more to life, but I can’t help but wonder if the façade I try to maintain at all times slips more often than I realise?  I think I would feel equally humiliated to know that the vulnerability and sadness I try to hide every day of my life was in actuality on full show half the time, and that that might be part of what turns people off wanting to date me or feeling attracted to me.  I hate the thought of people feeling sorry for me – not only because they shouldn’t, since everyone has their own pain and who’s to say that mine is greater than anyone else’s, but because I’d rather people didn’t focus their pity on me.  I understand it’s out of kindness or what have you, but I don’t desire that kind of attention.

The second sentiment Rihanna expressed was that of “F love”.  If you’re in an abusive relationship, be it physically, verbally or emotionally, you have to keep your judgment unclouded by love, and you need to do what is logically right for you, your safety and your health, regardless of the direction in which your heart pulls you.  That is a hell of a lot easier said than done; exhibit a) my current infatuation with somebody with a ring on it.  And this isn’t the first time that love has led me astray – this time, although the feelings are intense, at least I am getting something out of the relationship and it makes me happy more than it makes me sad.  Looking at my parents’ marriage, both past and very current present, although I’m proud of the storms they have weathered, if I had been in my mother’s position, I would never have put up with it.  And if I had been in my father’s position, I would never have put up with it.  Without saying too much, I don’t know if love was their only motivation in deciding to stay together (I highly doubt it, since things are rarely that clear-cut), but I would certainly have said “Fuck love, fuck everything, I’m gone.”  Even though I am a vulnerable person, and quite often I believe that part of me must be really an ugly person, I still have more self-worth than to go along with it.

Last night, I was out with Emma and we had some really special heart-to-heart conversations.  Obviously I am going to divulge nothing of what we discussed (here or anywhere else), because I made her a promise to keep what she told me to myself, and that is the whole point – I am a trustworthy person and trust is such a fragile thing, such a precious thing and something that takes so long to build.  Be it because of past experiences, be it because of what I’ve learned from my parents and other relationships that have surrounded me as I’ve grown up, but I find it hard to trust people and it’s rare that I am totally and immediately open with my heart to friends I’ve known for years, let alone somebody new in my life.  But I believe that trust is vital for life, for relationships, for friendships.  The thought of my betraying someone else makes me feel sick; a promise is a sacred thing, and there is so little that is sacred in life.  I think that having some self-worth as a person, even if it ebbs and flows sometimes, is really important, and the fact that I feel I am trustworthy, that I have dignity, and that I have the ability to give love but also am now aware that sometimes we have to say “F love” makes me a good friend and will one day mean that I might be a good boyfriend and not feel so ugly at my lowest… These things give me hope, they give me something to aspire to, and I hope to at the end of my life be able to look back and say that I was a good person, I was a strong person and that I did myself proud.  Work in progress.

I’ve decided to begin a sister blog to my original, with this one having the focus on what it means to be a lesbian and a mother.  I’ve been trying to find resources that are applicable to my situation, and there just don’t seem to be too many out there.  I’ve run across others looking for the same kinds of materials, and it’s a common frustration we share: we just can’t seem to find enough. 

My situation isn’t a unique one.  I was in a hetero marriage for over 9 years, and had two awesome and beautiful kids.  My husband and I split up, and several months later, I came out as a lesbian.  Not long after that, I fell in love with the most amazing woman, completely unexpectedly – I mean this was *not* in my plans at all, I was fully prepared to be a single mom for a while and take some time out from relationships.  But the Powers That Be (heretofore known as the PTB’s) had other designs in mind, and pulled our little puppet strings every way possible, so that two months into our relationship, we were living together and she was ready to commit to the kids.  We’ve now been together six months, and though it’s been really hard at times, there’s no end in sight. 

At any rate, my partner, whom I will refer to at present as Pickle (though I reserve the right to change that at any point in time), wants to be more of a parent to the kiddos, and they love the hell out of her and can’t get enough of her.  But there are boundary issues, and custody issues, and conflicts with their dad, and it’s been really hard on both of us, not to mention the kids. 

I just got a craving for nachos with jalapenos.  Oh yum.

And try as I might, I can’t find many resources for people in our situation: lesbians who fall in love with kids already in the picture.  I would love to hear from the voice of experience on the subject, and I hope to add my voice to the collective.  I want to put my thoughts out there in the hopes that they can help someone else muddle through their own complicated issues with divorce, parenting, sexual preference, and new relationships.If you’ve stumbled across my blog by chance or by intention, please feel free to friend me.  All entries here will be public, because I want my perspective to be shared.

As a side note: The title of this journal, and the name, is borrowed from the Delerium f/Sarah MacLachlan song “Silence”.  It is one of my all-time favorite songs, and my favorite of Sarah’s.  I also happen to love Delerium tremendously, and have other songs of theirs I like better, but that’s neither here nor there.  The point is, I wanted to point out that what I took from the song was an emphasis on living in the moment, not struggling against the waves that threaten to over come one in life, but sinking into them, thereby liberating oneself from fear.  I want to hold that sentiment true in this journal.  That is ultimately my goal.  To explore these issues, yes, but to do so from a perspective of letting go, and sinking into the waves, being free.

That said, I’m going to so sink into my pillows and catch a little sleep.

Blessings,
A.