Every time that I went to jail and told to sit down for a minute, I had a spiritual moment. I would drop to my knees asking for forgiveness for what I had done. Mind you, I wasn’t asking to be saved from some certain circumstance. In fact, there was a discussion I had at one point during a ‘session’ over whether or not a person could be free while locked up.

I was of the opinion that a person was definitely more free within a jail cell than he or she was outside for the simple fact that the person no longer had any responsibilities.

While locked up: food was prepared and brought; a place to sleep was provided; TV was available; a library for further education was available; and, there was plenty of time to meditate on life.

I began citing different people who, when told they had to sit down for a minute,  had found peace of mind through the isolation that being locked in jail had brought them.

No, the person locked up did not have the freedom to physically get up and go whenever he pleased. My point was that the person had the opportunity to find, in forced isolation, a spiritual freedom almost like none other opportunity.

He could sit down for a minute and contemplate on the pieces of his life that needed correction. He could rid his mind of the belief that he needed complete control in order to be free. He could accept that there was much more to life than the activities that landed him there in the first place. And, he could find safety in a power greater than himself which is where I began today’s discussion.

Now, how often do you think that plan works out?

The bad news

Don’t get me wrong, family…

I do NOT wish incarceration upon anyone that is not deserving. But there comes a time when we all need to “sit down” for a minute and figure things out.

The sad part is that most incarcerated individuals re-enter society with a clearer perspective — but that perspective is on how to become a better criminal. Most do not come out with the intent to go back to doing the same old activities. Things happen that lead them back to a point where a crucial decision must be made.

It’s at this crucial moment that individual decides whether the life he dreamed of when he had to sit down was important enough for him to accept it as a true possibility. I’m telling you from experience that if the individual has not made a decision to stand up and step out into a better life then he will be told to ‘come on back and sit down’… again.

Life doesn’t discriminate in this learning thing. In the words of my Southern roots, “It’ll learn ya.”

What do I mean by that?

You already know the answer but I’ll spell it out: You will continue to be tempted by the same things in your life until you learn how to deal with them in a productive and progressive way. That’s why I was supposed to ‘sit down for a minute’ so that I could learn from my adversary, build a new belief for myself, and create a new plan of action.

So, I ask you, family…

What adversary do you keep facing?

You are going to have to identify what is holding you back from your greatness. I’m not asking you to dwell in your past. I’m telling you to identify the temptation that is going to confront you again when you have stepped out of your temporary imprisonment.

Wait a minute…

You’re trying to tell me that I’m in prison. But I haven’t committed any crime. Well, you tell me…

Is it a crime to continue mentally beating yourself up for things in your past that you cannot change — that’s battery.

Is it a crime to kill your dreams simply because you don’t understand how you’re going to become THAT person — that’s murder.

Is it a crime to step on and pull other people away from their dreams when they are following the path they believe has been laid down for them — that’s theft.

Is it a crime to allow your boss to pimp you out for your talents and keep the money because he knows what best for you — that’s prostitution.

Is it a crime to tell yourself that “I’m too dumb”, “I’m too fat”, or “you can do that, but I will never be able to do (fill in the blank)” — family, that’s libel and slander!

I know I went on a bit of a tangent but understand that your biggest adversary is your own thoughts. Realize that you have asked your true self — your spirit — to sit down for a minute because you were not mentally ready to take on your life.

That pain your feeling is your spirit. It’s in pain because it’s been trying to tell you that there’s a better way.

Identify the thoughts that keep leading you back to the same situations, the same conditions, the same people, the same results, the same life…

Then, answer this question…

What belief do you need to build and program into your mind?

Maybe you don’t know what belief you need to build and that’s okay. All that means is that it’s time for you to begin studying. If you want some change in your life… if you truly want that change then you gotta go find the answers.

The answers don’t come to the people who sit around and wish. A great man said “seek and ye shall find”. That word seek is a verb. You have to actively seek out the beliefs that you need. You have to actively seek out the steps that you need to take in order to make it to the next level. You gotta MAKE it happen for yourself.

Here’s an important note: the very fact that you have read this far into this post says that you are seeking. You have begun making that ‘one little change’ as the opening quote says.

It is then, and only then, that providence will step in to show you that you’re on the right path.

Finally, ask yourself…

What action do I need to take to create this new path in my life?

Let me clear something up here.

The last question required you to actively step out and ‘seek’ your answers.

In this step, you are going to create a new path for your life.

You figured out your adversary.

You figure out what new belief that you needed to overcome your adversary.

Now, you take action so that you can create a new life for you in spite of your adversary. Take these steps and watch how better prepared you are to meet that adversary head on when it comes up.

Ya see, family, when I was put in jail the first few times I didn’t use my time wisely. Oh, I sat down and thought about what had got me there. And, I thought about what I wanted to be, to do and where I wanted to go when I go out. But, I didn’t make a plan on how to confront and overcome my adversary when I ran into it again.

I thought that I would be able to avoid life’s lessons. That’s not how this thing works. You are going to have to face these adversaries over and over and over and over until you defeat them or give in to them.

I’m not giving in to ANYTHING that’s trying to hold me down! And, with the God, that I know, I will be set free! I don’t want to be told to ‘sit down for a minute‘ again.

Where you at, family? Answer those questions.

D Arlando Fortune
Keep it as simple as A, B, C’s; 1, 2, 3′s; and, do, re, mi’s

PS. If this message has inspired you to take some new action in your life that I’m grateful that my words have hit there mark. Don’t keep it to yourself, though. Share this post with your friends and family that are going through some things.

PSS. If you are looking for a speaker for any occasion than respond to this post and leave a comment below.

I don’t believe that we should look to our dreams for inspiraton or insight into how to live our lives most of the time. The one exception, is when it really does seem to be something that lines up with scripture and what a person and the Lord have been working through together. If it emphasizes what He already has given us in His complete and finished, authoritative word (the Bible) then I do believe that God still can and sometimes will speak to us through our dreams.

At the very least, He can use them to teach us something as we are seeking Him and a greater closeness with Him by always looking for lessons He wants to teach us.

He can speak to us through that still, small voice through an impression, through another person, a passage in scripture, or through our dreams and our thought life. God is unlimited in how He can reveal Himself to us. But we do need to be careful and check such things out prayerfully and against the Word of the Lord. Far too many of us in our world look to such things as replacements for God and what He has already given to us in His Word.

With that being said, I do want to share about a particular dream I did have at one time – one in which the Lord really made an impression upon me – one that just confirmed it was time to move in a different direction with Him in my life. The dream, really, was just the solidification of what my Savior had already been nudging me towards in my personal relationship with Him. But it was so neat to receive such a clear confirmation from Him in this special way!

About four years ago, my dream life became quite active. I was in a season of despair for several reasons, but was clinging to the Lord for strength, comfort, and guidance. My mom was on the last leg of her cancer journey, spiraling downward health-wise, while moving closer and closer to the Lord every day and one step further away from us here. My brain was in overdrive and when I finally would go to sleep. I was dreaming a lot!

Along with my mom’s battle with cancer, one of my children was going through an extremely difficult period and it was affecting all of us – that child, my other children, my husband, myself – it was heart-wrenching. We truly didn’t know what was going to happen day-to-day, and just prayed and prayed that the Lord would guide us and tell us what we should do. I found that I would pray in my sleep and in my dreams during that time too.

I had health issues I was dealing with myself as well. Chemical and hormonal changes (but we actually didn’t know what was going on at that time), sleeping problems, a busy schedule as a wife and mother of three children working at night, trips to arrange to be able to go out to Kansas to see mom, and all kinds of unknowns on the horizon.

I was stressed – and as much as I tried to turn it over to the Lord, I just couldn’t seem to shake off the weight of it all. Some of that is just part of the growth process that eventually comes with going through grief and trials and suffering – some of it is the failure to let go of things and focus on what’s most important – to truly surrender - and allow the Lord to carry us through, deepen our faith, and give us that peace and joy that transcends even the grief and fears and unknown.

So, back to dreaming. I had been having pretty regular dreams in which I could hear myself screaming out loud – in fact, often, those screams would wake me up and bring me back to reality. Sometimes upon waking, I still felt like my reality was in and of itself a dream. I was walking through times that seemed pretty surreal to me back then. The presence of my Savior is the only thing that really kept one foot on the ground. I actually stand in awe at the fact, now that I look back, that I was even functioning at work, while driving over and over again to Kansas, and in my day-to-day life at all. Because of this fog and haze, I have lost a lot of memory in relation to specific details at that time in my life too.

These scream dreams – they weren’t all bad. I am actually grateful for them. I truly think they were blessings – ways to get out all the angst and fear and sadness that I was carrying around on a daily basis as things continued to “develop” with all the previously mentioned situations. Each new day was filled with so much more “stuff” to assimilate and deal with – decisions to make – new emotions to process – other people in my life and all that they were going through themselves - and how to adjust to them and help them through it all as well.

Sudden changes in plans was a constant part of life.  There was hoop after hoop to jump through only to find that once you were in the air and on your way to reaching ground on the other side, the course you were supposed to be on had been changed mid-stream. How do you continue to jump with confidence in situations like that?

But one day, I had a dream that was so calm, so crystal clear, that I have put off writing about it because I don’t know that words will adequately describe it. Yet for quite some time, I have felt strongly that i need to try, as the Lord is whispering in my ear that I really do need to share this with others.

This dream involves my Savior, a Sharpie, some cardboard boxes, a beach, and a hammock.

Picture a beach with soft and gentle waves coming up and lapping against the sand. Now allow yourself to hear the sound of the ocean…the waves hitting the shore, the gentle sound of the water kissing the land – swishing forward, and then retreating softly….it’s just around time for the sun to start to set.

I can’t believe how relaxed I feel right now. I feel the sun setting but still kissing my skin as i lay here – whoever thought that a hammock could be so comfortable. I squint and look up and am momentarily caught by surprise…I see a small white gazebo is above me, sheltering me. It’s getting darker now that the sun is setting but I still feel warm – there’s plenty of light still – I guess I can stay here a while longer.

“How did I get here?”, I thought.

I close my eyes again and decide to enjoy this quiet and restful moment. I really love the sound of the water…it’s so soothing. I wish we could just live here…it is so nice. What ever in the world possessed me to live in Colorado? I could have gotten my husband to move to a beach back then if I really had pushed him for it.  Actually, I feel kind of guilty thinking about this right now when my mom is so sick and all this other stuff is going on.

“I wonder how I even got here…do I have somewhere else I am supposed to be?”

Then I heard the sound….

Squeeeeeshhhhh.  Squeeeeeshhhh.  Squeeesh.

“What is that sound?”

The water broke the sound apart and brought me back to where I was before.

“Must have been in my imagination.”

More time passed by as I rocked gently on the hammock.

Squeeeeshhhh. Squeeeeeshhh. Squeeeesh.

I opened my eyes knowing that I definitely heard it again – it was unmistakable. Someone was definitely behind me near the shore and they were the one making this sound.

Squeeeeshhhh.

I sat up in the hammock and looked over to my left and behind me a little. I saw several cardboard boxes – like the kind that you use when you pack up your belongings because you are moving? Yah,those.

Two, three, four…..

“Wow, where did those come from?”, I thought.

Five, six………..

“Who brought boxes here? I thought I was alone out here. This is too weird!”

As I continued to scan the beach and follow the squeeshy sound, I saw Him.

I cannot begin to articulate the feeling I had in this moment. All I can say is that my heart stopped, not in fear, but in some feeling of euphoria and peace that I cannot explain. I was SO happy!

His tunic was breezy and flowing behind Him…I wanted to touch it. He was barefoot. So simple….no adornments at all. But just absolutely glorious! He was not intimidating, yet I had never looked upon such beauty. And it seemed to emanate from Him all the way over to me – it felt like being enveloped in a warm, soft hug just by looking at Him.

He looked at me and smiled. He didn’t open His mouth, but He did talk to me with His eyes – kind of like telepathically. He said hello to me. He was so assumptive too – He acted like I fully knew what He was doing there, what I was doing there and what all the boxes were for – like it was just another day.

When I looked at Him questioningly, He told me…..

“You know why we are doing this today, dear one – I know that you know.”

And then he laughed softly.

I looked down at the three boxes that were in front of Him. He had a Sharpie in His hand, and had almost finished writing on the box that was on the top of the other two. He smiled, turned back to the box, and finished writing. Then He turned it to me….

“See? Don’t you remember?”

He was looking at me the way one gazes upon a cute little toddler who is playing dumb…not patronizing at all, but just the way adults feel when little kids are in their own little world and forgetting something they definitely already knew about. I felt loved and adored although I felt kind of confused – like “why don’t I remember?” kind of confused.

It felt as though I awoke out of a dream within the dream at this point. All of a sudden, box after box that was scattered in front of Him along the water line – all of the writing on each of them just popped out for me to read.

Reality hit quite suddenly.

• Mom’s Cancer
• Child’s Difficulties
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Sleeping Problems
• Fear
• Anger
• Old Boyfriends
• Surrender
• Self Reliance
• Weight Problems

The list went on and on. There must have been 100 boxes!

I expressed concern to Him that I was laying on the hammock resting while He was doing all the work. He looked at me and just smiled. He said I didn’t need to do anything – that I was right where He needed me to be so He could get His work done.

“But what will become of them?” I asked, concerned about the stuff He was “packing away.”

“Why are you worried about them, dear one?”

“Uh…I just….I don’t know, really. I just feel uncertain….guilty that we are leaving them  here for some reason.  Who is going to deal with this stuff?”

“Would I put them in the boxes if it was bad to do so?” He said, gently smiling.

“No….I guess not.”

I wasn’t sure why it was still bothering me a bit – the idea of leaving them behind. And I felt badly that I was concerned too. I was concerned about being concerned. Sheesh.

He walked over to me. You see, my friends, He knows me and loves me so well.

He knows that in the face of all of this, something that is disturbing to me is that the boxes – well, the tops of them are still open. I am worried that the contents are going to spill out into the ocean and wash back up on shore and make an even bigger mess than we started out with.

After all the work that He has done, they are just going to spill and make a mess everywhere!

He reached me, and placed the Sharpie by the table next to me. He pulled me up out of the hammock and hugged me. Then He put out his hand in expectation of something. I looked at him with questions in my eyes.

“What am I supposed to do here?” I thought to myself. “I don’t want to let you down.”

He just stretched His hand out further.

And then I knew. He was planning to seal them up all along – He was just waiting for me to do my part.

I looked behind me and on the hammock, right where I had just been sleeping, and there it was. The roll of duct tape.

It was that thing that I had been hiding from Him. It was that one “right” I had reserved to do part of this alone – without Him in the picture. Without Him in control.

He knew it was there. He had known all along. And He showed me compassion even though I had been hiding it.

I picked it up and handed it to Him. He told me to pray while He went back over to the boxes as we would be leaving soon.

Graaaaaappppp. Graaaaaapppppp. Graaaaaapp.

“Father in heaven, thank you for helping me to turn over my pain to you and leave it in these boxes. Thank you for not making them disappear entirely and for knowing that I am not ready to forget about them all just yet. Thank you for helping me to know that you are here to help me – that I won’t be facing any of this alone. And thank you for loving me in spite of the fact that I tried to cut you out of the picture here.”

Graaapapppp. Graaaaappppp. Graaaaaaaap.

“Thank you for taking them off my shoulders and allowing me to lay them down, only to return to them as you see fit and deal with all the contents. They were so heavy.”

Graaaaapppppp. Graaaaapppppp.

“I don’t know where we are going, but I know I get to go with You, and I am so grateful for you, Father. Thank you for the past that is in those boxes because it reminds me of your grace and all that You have done for me. And thank you for allowing me to lay down the ones that contain the trials of the present too….I know they are still there, but at least I can lay them down.”

I looked over and could see that He had heard my prayer. He knew I was speaking to Him.

I felt the soft hand on my shoulder. “Are you ready, dear child that I love?”

“Yes. I am so sorry  that it took me so long. I am sorry for disobeying you.”

“My child, you had a lot of boxes. You are tired.  I’d like to carry you for a while.”

“Thank You.”

I didn’t want for this dream to end. But in essence, it never really did. From that point on, He has shown me time and time again that He will never be placed in a box!

Jesus revealed more of Himself to me through hard experiences and through my disobedient past, through my grief, and my shortcomings…through my trials, my tears, and my pain, than through anything else. And He did so in ways that cannot be compartmentalized. And my pain, my past sins, my regrets that I cannot change, the fear of the unknown, the grief and heartache, they aren’t weighing me down any more.

The contents of those boxes - most of them are things that I have been able, with the power and love of Jesus, to place in the trash now. But some aren’t in the trash just yet. Those, I just needed to stop carrying around with me all the time.

My testimony is in those boxes. My faith grew out of what He did with the contents inside of them. The full realization of all that He’s done for me can be seen through how He moved me away from the box and into a new place that is lighter, more joyful, and full of HIM. It’s a place where I am free. And it’s a place that’s full of HE.

Sometimes when new trials ensue, He still has to remind me to get out the duct tape and hand it over. But He is faithful to do so. And His compassion and love never fail.

I don’t know where all we are going to go in this life as we travel through it, but I do know that we are walking everywhere together, hand in hand with Jesus if we truly turn it all over to Him and follow after Him with all that we have.

Sometimes, He picks me up again and carries me for a while -that’s my favorite part of this life. And when it comes time to return to a box now and then, to do some work there and decide what can be discarded and what should be kept in order to tell our story, I don’t have to worry about the labels on the boxes will have been worn out or even erased.

Because see…. Jesus knows everything! He is perfect. He is perfectly Holy, and He is perfectly accurate.

And He used a Sharpie and a roll of duct tape to show me that.

He meets us where we need to be met without compromising any of His perfection or the truth that He is. He can deal with complexity in the simplest of ways, speaking volumes to us in the entire process. Isn’t Jesus Christ just AWESOME?

Nothing can separate me from Him now. Not the boxes, not the suffering, not the regrets I have, the sins I commit…not even death.

Like I said, I don’t put a whole lot of stock in “just” dreams.

But my God and my Savior? I believe in Him. I hang all my hope upon Him. He can bear my weight -it’s not hard for Him to do so. He bore all the sin of the world – past, present – future - on that cross.

He can speak to us anytime, anywhere. And He doesn’t need a Sharpie – He just used one once for my benefit.

I’m so glad He knows how to meet me right where I am at in ways that speak to me and make sense to me.

And my God, my God? He doesn’t live inside a box. He lives inside of me.

Roughly four  years ago, it was my moving day. A Mighty Mover showed up and took care of it all with grace and ease. All I had to do was give up a roll of duct tape I had hidden away.

And when we were finished – He even carried me away on His shoulders.

Make no mistake about it – He can do the same for YOU.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

We then headed to my gma’s for dinner and some quality time with my cousin and her baby, Lucy. I had too much fun playing with and making faces at that adorable little girl.

When we came home we made a fire outside and sat around chatting. My family is rarely in the same room for long so it was very refreshing. I could not have imagined a more perfect day. Now if only my weekend could last a little longer. Shame I have to work in the morning

As a Christmas present for my mom, I told her I’d treat her to a vacation back home on the east coast. And we’re heading off tomorrow! Yay!!!

Luckily, I was able to save enough airline miles to get us there first class for free. My sweet little 74 year old mommy should be able to enjoy a nice, wide seat and good food, so I did everything but hook on the corner to get airline miles saved for the last year (I plan my Christmas presents WAY in advance). Thankfully, I was able to save enough with 300 miles to spare!

We’re going to hang out in our old home town and then head to the beach. I’m going to eat more blue crabs than anyone on earth. I can’t wait.

I hope you guys all have a wonderful long weekend (for those of you in the States)! I’ll be back in the next couple of weeks.

Love ya!

It all began at Penn State University (PSU), when my friend’s mom sent out a monthly email, “The Miller Family Update” to keep up with her two kids and traveling husband. After a few years and dozens of football tailgates later, Mrs. Miller included me and my roommate in the update. It was a simple, yet effective way of keeping up with everyone’s life without seeming intrusive. So, when all of my friends graduated and I still had a semester left at PSU (damn that double major!) I thought maybe our own little family update was in order. Thankfully, everyone agreed. 3 years later, the newsletter is still going strong.

Here’s the latest edition of the PSU Family Update: http://psufamilyupdate.weebly.com/

Well, with that being such a hit plus my sick love of making online newsletters, I just knew that I had to strike again. For the last few years, I have been attempting to stay in contact with the friends I made while studying abroad in Buenos Aires, Argentina in Spring 2009. Since we’re dotted all over the country, it’s been impossible to get together; and with everyone’s busy lifestyle, it’s hard to keep in touch. The answer? You guessed it. Let me introduce to you the Buenos Aires Family Update!

Check. Check. Check it out: http://buenosairesfamilyupdate.weebly.com/index.html

I feel lucky to be surrounded by such wonderful people who are willing to maintain a bond regardless of distance. In this day and age, so many of my peers are satisfied with the passive nature of digital communication; i.e. being able to keep in touch without any sort of real effort, without the person knowing that you were thinking about them, wondering what they were up to. Far too often people are afraid to reach out for fear that’s been too long. I don’t want to have that fear, that worry that a close friend has become, as Goyte would say, “somebody that I used to know.” Don’t get me wrong, I understand that people grow apart, friendships evolve. But these aren’t simply friendships, they’re friends that have become family and families find their way back to one another, always.

So, hooray for creating your own family. Double hooray for keeping that family in tact.

Saturday, November 23, 2013 - Watching Catching Fire at Carmike and then chowing down at CiCi’s Pizza on Hwy 138 to discuss its awesomeness!  The show time is still TBA.  The expected cost of this event is $16 per person.

Saturday, January 25, 2014 - Join us for a bowling challenge at AMF American Lanes!  The expected cost is $14 per person; some group rates are available on the website for families.

Friday, March 17, 2014 - We’ll be hosting another fun Family Game Night at CMS.  The specific times are still TBA.  There is no cost for this event, but please remember to bring you favorite non-electronic game to share!

Saturday, May 3, 2014 - Come see the fantastic Stone Mountain Laser Show!  The expected cost of this event is $10 per car, so carpooling is recommended!  The meeting location is still TBA.

Saturday, July 12, 2014 - Join us for a cookout at Lenora Park!  Bring some food or drinks to share and let’s celebrate summer before it’s gone.  

*Please note:  All costs are paid directly to the vendor.  The price is just given to allow families to plan and budget accordingly.  No money is taken up by the school.  Also, these are FAMILY events.  Teachers will not be supervising students or providing transportation.

When I wake up, my eyes are too heavy; they try to close against my will. I then turn on the light, which always works for me, and that helps me stay awake for a while until the heaviness of my eyelids is gone. After this, I go back to sleep normally again. My father passed away on August 12, 2001, so this was almost a year after his passing. July 20 2002

I wonder… Am I astral traveling when I have these experiences with my deceased relatives? What about the paralysis? Is that a stage before an actual OBE that I never complete? This is very strange but has happened to me all my life.

I didn’t even dwell on the gory details of my father’s death.  Which, for me, was progress.  There are times when I get a scene, a picture or a thought about  his passing stuck in my head and it plays over and over again like a broken record until I have to either physically move (exercise) or take a prescribed anxiety medication.  I hate it when it happens.  It’s so random and erratic.  But when it hits, it hits hard.  And it’s very hard to explain to a non grieving spouse.

This morning, I actually felt at peace, like everyone was in their corner, behaving and where they needed to be.  I felt the status quo was actually smiling on me as I drove my little car around town running errands, coffee in hand.

*sigh*

The day progressed on.  Nothing too exciting in fact, just a lot of pretend play outside with L.  In a matter of 15 minutes he went from an astronaut to a pilot, and I , his able assistant had to help him collect ‘hammers and snacks’ (which consisted of croquet mallets and well, nothing else) for his passengers.  I’m not sure whether I should be amazed or alarmed by his imagination.  He rattled on about the passengers (100 in all, apparently), where we would fly to (the town we live in ) and the colours of the plane.  It was very detailed, and a bit difficult to follow, but nonetheless I was impressed with his ingenuity.

L didn’t nap today.  In fact, at the ripe old age of three he seems to have outgrown naps when he’s home with us on weekends.  They’re mandatory at his daycare, but at home, he avoids them like I avoid grocery stores at the beach on Memorial Day weekend.   I think he’s just so happy to be with us that he doesn’t want to ‘waste’ his time being unconcious.  Or something like that anyway.

So the day progressed.

And then.  It turned.

Now, the events you are about to read may seem trivial and meaningless.  I acknowledge that.  And let me preface this with the fact that I did overreact and a certain someone is not the dolt he appears to be on the pages of this blog.  He is simply someone who has not walked in my shoes, doesn’t understand how to ‘fix’ my grief and just doesn’t think.

We thought it would be a good idea to have some ‘chill’ time with L before we ventured out to see the Memorial Day fireworks at 9.  That is past his bedtime, and considering he hadn’t napped, well, you do the math.  I’m sure you’d either be the parent giving me the sympathetic “been there” looks as he melted down in the parking lot of the event or you’d be the one silently shooting anti toddler lazers out of your eyes at me.  Either way, we attempted down time in front of the tv to get him to nod off.

In the process, a certain someone who shall remain nameless nodded off.  The trick worked. But on the wrong person.  L thought it was funny.  I wish I could say the same. After time passed, I went to wake nameless person up.  And then I realized he had wrapped himself in the memory quilt my mother made for me.  From my dead father’s clothes.  She painstakingly cut, sewed and quilted pieces of his beloved shirts and jeans together in a quilt for me.  I keep in on the bed not only for extra warmth, but on those days when I need it for comfort.  It’s unofficially mine.  It’s made of the clothes I remember him in.  It’s made from stuff MY dad had.  I don’t share it willingly.

So,  nameless is wrapped up in it.  And in typical guy fashion, he, um. well….. let me just put it this way…. he did what guys do, a normal bodily function that does not smell like roses. On my father’s quilt.

I know, I know.  You’re either laughing or are horrified right now.  I went with horrified.

While a seemingly ‘innocent’, ‘unintentional’ faux pas, I was hurt beyond belief.  It felt disrespectful to me, my father and my mother, the one who made the quilt.  It felt sacrilegious in a way, though I know that is too strong of a word to choose.

My quilt, the only scraps of my father I have left got farted on.  By someone else.

Seriously?

I BLEW. And BLEW.  And BLEW.

Hell hath no fury like a grieving daughter who feels the only remaining turf of her dad’s has been disrespected.

After I said my piece, I physically removed myself from the room.  I knew I had to.  Nameless felt bad,  however was not quick on the draw to overflow with apologies.  (One did come later).

Would you decimate the last physical connection you have to your passed loved one?  Is nothing sacred?

I was hurt and sad and grossed out.  I gathered up the quilt and threw it in the washer.  It was more of a symbolic gesture, but one I felt needed to be done, to make the quilt ‘mine’ again so to speak.

Another personal flaw I have is verbal annihilation when I’m mad.  It’s not pretty.  I usually regret most of what blows out of my mouth, but in the moment I let loose.  I’ve been told several times that I should have pursued a career in law.  Whatever.  I guess I just have a sharp tongue.

After several minutes of enduring my wrath, nameless decided to throw his name into the ring for a Darwin award by telling me I’m making a mountain out of a molehill.

Well.

Let me tell you non grievers a little something.

For you, the sympathy cards have been sent.  You have the luxury of going on about your daily business without the crushing weight of grief constantly hanging around in your mind, ready to release it’s powers at any given random moment.

For you, it’s over.  It’s just another friend, co-worker or acquaintance who lost a parent/friend/spouse. Just another statistic. Just another time you mutter “there but for the grace of God go I” as you send off your sympathies.

For you, you get to buy a Father’s Day card.  And a birthday card.  And you have the luxury of dialing up your loved one anytime you want.

You have the luxury of status quo.  Your life has not been ripped out from under you, turned up side down, chewed up and spit out on you.  You do not have to learn to relive a life in a whole different way that does not include your loved one.  You have the luxury of time. Of saying the things that need to be said.

We don’t get those luxuries. No, we don’t.   Mountains, to us, include trying to summon the energy to get out of bed to take a shower.  Mountains to us include trying not to break down when you see a sappy commercial about kids and parents on tv.  Mountains to us include that first time you had to acknowledge your parents’ house as your “mother’s house”.  Mountains to us are leaving the funeral home after the funeral with your dad left behind getting ready to be taken to the crematorium.  That is one of the moments that hit me hardest.

After my father’s funeral, my son, husband, mother and I all left the funeral home to go home to our house to begin the arduous task of coping without him. It was the first time in my entire life that I left my dad behind somewhere.  As I got in the car, it felt weird, like a huge part of us was missing.  And it was. It was lying in a casket waiting to head across town to be burnt to a crisp.    The sinking reality of that moment never left me.  I pushed it down, but today, for some crazy reason after the quilt fiasco, it came bubbling up to the surface. No rhyme nor reason.

So you see, non grievers, we don’t have the luxury of forgetting and easily moving on.  We have moments that for no reason, wash over us in waves and make us feel like we’re drowning and we will never be whole again.

Simple things ARE mountains for us.  We carry the extra weight of unpredictable, inexplicable waves of sadness.  And believe me, they weigh heavy on one’s soul.

I thought that a year after a fact we’d all be in a much better place.  And to an extent we are.  Finances have been sorted out and settled down.  New routines have been established.  We’ve survived a year of firsts.  The road to living with out my dad has been paved.

Now we face having to constantly navigate it with the nagging reminder that he is not here.

And some days I cling to my quilt.  And I cling to my pictures.  And I cling to any little sign I think might be a connection from him because that is what I need to navigate this mountain of grief I’ve been forced to climb.

So yes, the little things that are trivial and unimportant, shallow and silly to others tend to become mountains to the grieving.

Because that’s all we have.

THE BIG DAY is tomorrow, and I spent the entire day with the girls I love the most (minus my sissy and her girls).

I feel like my training is almost where it should have been, but my fear is that my lack of experience is going to be what bites me in the rear. Either way, I’ll cross out the final week of my training log after the race.

I’ve decided to go out and just have fun. I’ll push myself in the last half of the race, but I’ve heard big scary things about fire striking the quads and knees at mile 17/18 if one goes out faster than planned. It’s my first mary, so I really want to enjoy it.

To be prepared, I charged up everything I own.

And set up my AM non-coffee race day beverage of choice:

Thanks to my bestmotheronearth, my spawns woke up this morning ready to go to Oxnard, which is where my mom is watching them. My mini-me was all packed and ready to go while I was still in my jammies.

Any time we pack up the luggage, some household members get extremely nervous and needy.

Can you feel the hot, panty breath of Ruby Sunshine? Poor thing. She never gets to go anywhere. Her life is completely terrible. You should feel really, really sorry for her. She’s just miserable.

After reassuring the dogs that we weren’t going to leave them forever, my mini-me asked me what I was planning on racing in. When I showed her the blue top and purple socks I was planning on rocking, she told me that she’d rather I dress like a watermelon than a blueberry. I can’t make this stuff up, people. She then asked if I have clothes that I can wear that could make me look like a watermelon “because that would be really cool.” Done.

After we were all packed up (with no fewer than twenty-nine stuffed animals in the back of the car), we met Veronique for packet pick-up in Ventura.

Where Blondie called ahead to have her sweet ride waiting right out front.

More on packet pick-up and the lunch that followed later. As for now, the little granny in my is begging to sleep so I’m all rested up for the 3:45 wake up call. Wish me luck! If anything, I’ll keep this in mind (courtesy of my bestie Veronique):

I’m no quitter, that’s fo sho. Good luck to everyone racing tomorrow, especially Veronique and Julie! Have fun out there!

One morning
You wake up
And notice
Your breasts
Are not quite as perky
As they were yesterday.
Or was that last month?
Last year?

One day
You wake up
And notice
A deep groove
From your nose to your mouth
As if it’s begging for attention.
Look at my smile!
Notice me.

One day
You wake up
And see that groove on both
Sides of your mouth
Has deepened
Reaching down to your chin
Parenthesis
Is what the ad for cosmetic filler calls it.

One day
You wake up
And read your favorite magazines.
Not for the articles
Not for the fashions
But for the ads
Promising to restore youth.

One day
You wake up
And smile.
You no longer care about the changes.
Not as much anyway.
You realize the eye crinkles
Are from smiling at your children’s graduations.
From sharing their joys. Planning their tomorrows.

One day
You wake up
And realize the parentheses are from laughing at your mistakes
And laughing when you see your children making the same ones.

One day
I woke up
And was happy to
Get another day
To enjoy all I have
And be thankful
That I woke up.

Pinging on the college completion, I am so exited, extremely, beyond skin crawling excited  I actually finished the degree!!!! It still hasn’t hit me that I Lance finished it! I never thought the day would happen and hopefully when I walk in July my mind will be at ease! I put it out on my Facebook to my family and friends and deep down I hope they all come because hindsight being 20/20 my high school graduation and Eagle Scout award was I feel minimized and I spent the last nine years trying to prove I am worth a damn because of that time in my life.

As soon as I am “graduated” from Excelsior I will continue pursuing my BS in Electrical Engineering with them. I have to say I am rather irritated with them and the Veterans Affairs(VA) because I have to wait until after I “graduate” and pay another “registration/review” fee to continue classes under the BS program. They say I couldn’t continue classes because I was registered under a Associates degree program and have to take this three month break and pay more cash because you can’t take classes “outside” your degree program but DAMMIT! I am trying to continue my education before I am stuck in hell on earth aka the boat! Regardless I lost two classes because of the technicalities of military education and the pay regime.

In the mean time I have utilized one of coursera.org’s classes Introduction to Python Programming which I have to say is…. quite interesting. I love to program and utilize the many different programming languages out there but it definitely doesn’t come 100% naturally to me. That being said I love that this class keeps my mind actively engaged in the programming way of thinking.

Since my last post I have successfully implemented my own standalone ATMEGA128p board to be used in my various gadgets that spawn from the Arduino. I had one hell of a time troubleshooting why I couldn’t upload a sketch from the laptop to my board via the Arduino but it ultimately came down to my miss-wiring a pin! Needless to say I was quite happy to have accomplished that goal!! I have been working and continue to work on my Halloween animatronic eyes/face but have run into some serious issues getting processing arduino/laptop to work. I could get a simple program to work the eyes but I couldn’t even get processing to see a camera on my laptop. The project has a rather simple goal of getting a set of eyes to track a “blob” or “face” but without the input it isn’t going anywhere!

I have a few other projects in mind but have to keep them off the internet! LOL

On Friday my wife and I stopped in to see the Chevelle engine at L&L Machine to check on the progress and he showed us the completed short block! My God! It was one of the sexiest things I have ever seen! I felt exactly like I feel about my degree….”who me?!”. I am so excited about getting it home and  being able to put it in! Call me crazy or silly but I can’t wait to get “me” back (the car)!

Well I suppose that is it for now and I will attempt to not neglect the blog as much as I have. Life oh how it gets in the way!

Well that’s an easy one. All of your good stuff – that’s from me.  All the not so good – obviously from your dad.

Seriously though, the traits I am most proud of in myself, I see in you – but amplified. I am intelligent, but you are more intelligent. Your dad is intelligent as well, so maybe the odds were in your favor on that one.

I have a caring and sympathetic heart, but I have seen your heart and the ways you have cared and helped people, and know that you are capable of feeling so much more than me.

I am good with people and they usually like me. You are better. You make a lasting impression.

I always knew I was attractive.  Not beautiful by any means, but I’ve been complimented on my smile all my life. It’s probably my best physical attribute. You have a wonderful mix of both your dad and me, which makes you very handsome.  Plus, you have my great smile.

We both possess loyalty to the end for those we believe we can trust, but don’t believe we can trust many. We expect loyalty in return.  I am probably more forgiving of those who I feel wrong me. I’ve always been able to see both sides of a situation rather than just my side. And I’ve always known that given the same circumstances, it’s possible I could have done the same. In saying that, I realize it’s possible you are more forgiving than I know.

We are both too hard on ourselves. In fact, we seem to expect more of ourselves than we do of anyone else. Maybe that’s because we know what we are capable of.  Or maybe everyone does that also and I just don’t realize.

You get your romantic side from your dad and my daddy.   I have a book of poems your dad wrote me from when we were dating through sometime after you were born.  I also have a book of poems my daddy wrote to my mama. I have seen poems you wrote when you were in your 20s, and hope you still let that side of you show now.

Your personality is all or nothing. You know you get that from me. I’m sorry.

Jealousy is from your dad and my daddy. It’s not that I don’t feel jealous sometimes, but I have seen the destruction it can do and I refuse to allow it to grow. A tiny bit of jealousy is kind of sweet.  Anything beyond that I run.

Patience has never been my strong suit, as they say. Although I have seen some improvement with age. You get your lack of patience from me. I’m sorry about that one too.

Both your dad and my daddy passed their temper down to you. I’m slower to anger. But you are like me in that once angered, we still care enough about people to watch our words. Or at least we try to.  Once spoken, words can never be taken back. It’s sad how we remember the bad, but forget the kind word spoken.

I know you think you get your control issues from me, but that’s all your dad. It’s not that I want to control people, I simply don’t want people to try to control me.  Or maybe I’m just trying to fool myself when I say that. I hope not.

Neither you nor I work well with those in authority, and we both absolutely hate rules. That has caused each of us a lot of grief over the years, but I really don’t see that changing.

I have always thought I could do anything I set my mind to in my life. I know that you can do more in your life than I ever dreamed of for myself. You already have.

There is nothing you could ever do that would make me love you more. And nothing you could do – absolutely nothing – that would make me love you less. My love for you is truly unconditional.  You are precious to me.

You are all that’s good in me – amplified.

Sunway Lagoon are claiming it is the World’s Largest Water Ride of 152 metres with a 22 metre funnel – this may be unjustified as there are a few things at Sunway Lagoon claiming to be the World’s Largest or Biggest but nevertheless Vuvuzela was a lot of fun.

We got there early, around 10am, and so there were no queues which gave us a chance to go on Vuvuzela several times.

The other new attraction at the Water Park is the Waterplexx 5D, a fun virtual ride in a cinema-like setting and with seats that move while watching the short (4 minutes) but thrilling movie wearing 3D glasses. The plastic seats and puddles of water on the floor give a clue of what to expect as you are splashed and soaked during the experience. Expect to get wet!

We also did Scream Park for the first time.  This was awesome and had the girls spooked right from the start when a zombie jumped out at them even before we stepped into the attraction. 

Scream Park is an old fashion haunt where you walk through hunted corridors and have spooks, zombies and other creatures jump out at you. The effects are some of the best we have seen especially the 3D visuals as you walk around.

Kerrie’s photo theme for this week is HALF.  As such we paused at this Hippo to get some shots of Molly being HALF Eaten – some photo editing by Kerrie to remove Molly’s leg should get Kerrie the shot she wants!!!

Before Mass.

Before Mass with the Blessed Mother.

After Mass in the Chapel.

After Mass with Jesus.

The whole family!

Liam and his Godparents!

The First Communicant!!

Liam’s support crew!

The silly side of Liam’s support crew. I’m so sad I made it blurry!! Maybe I was giggling too much?

There aren’t words to express how proud I am and how happy I am!!  Liam, the leader of the pack, did the most important thing he will ever do in his life, today…and he handled it like a pro!

After a year of preparation (well, 8 years really), he had his First Holy Communion!  It was really amazing seeing him and all the other little ones receive the body and blood of Christ!

Next up…Jack!  And maybe I’ll remember to take pictures of Jack’s party as I forgot for Liam’s!

St. Gemma and Blessed Imelda, pray for us!