I’ve got a friend who has a bad gas problem. He was arrested after 50 people were knocked out. Here is a photo of the security footage

Clothing.

It serves several purposes in our life. It helps protect us from the elements. It serves to some as a form of expression. Sometimes it’s used to advertise a band or a product. And it also keeps you from being naked. And trust me, there are A LOT of people that need clothing for this purpose. I don’t care if they’re hot or cold or want me to know what they like, I just really don’t want to see them naked. Thanks clothing!

However, perhaps the most important use of clothing is undiscovered by most of the people walking this great planet: Absorbing gas!

Alright, so this probably isn’t considered “clothing” more as it is an accesory, but the point is still there. Recently, I discovered something known only as the Subtle Butt.

The Subtle Butt, as I understand it, is a pad of some kind that actually absorbs, for lack of a better term, Southern Winds. Of course, they refur to it as a “Gas Neutralizer”. But we know what it is, really. It’s a FART EATER. It eats farts, there for it’s a fart eater. Don’t try to get all high-tech on me Subtle Butt.

Gas Neutralizer. Really? That sounds like some kind of advanced military weapon.

“Hey Sarge, we want those people over there dead or close to it.”

“Well Private, why don’t you launch a gas neutralizer over there and watch them all implode.”

“…it’s an honor to serve under such a great man…”

According to this page, it consists of two layers. The first is a “soft fabric with antimicrobial treatment”. First off, let me just say this: If I’m cramming it in my pants, it fuck-damn better be soft! I’m not shoving some sheet of sand-paper down my drawers just to “neutralize gas”. Sure, the gas problem is taken care of, but now my ass is raw. Soft = IMPORTANT TO ASS-WEAR!

And is it just me, or is “antimicrobial treatment” one really fucking advanced term to be used in regards to something made to absord farts? Once I figure out what the fuck “antimicrobial” means, I’m going to probably be pissed about it. Time to dial up Wikipedia, and figure this one out.

“An antimicrobial is a substance that kills or inhibits the growth of microorganisms such as bacteria, fungi, or protozoans, as well as destroying viruses.”

This certainly seems to imply that my ass leaks “protozoans”. Sweet merciful crapballs that sounds rather frightening. Or perhaps it actually can cause FUNGUS to grow?! Basically, the word is a broad term used to describe things like antibacterial spray and other things like that. Basically, they don’t want the fart eater to be a DIRTY fart eater. ’cause, well, that’d be gross!

Anyway, back to the Subtle Butt. The second layer of this fine product is described as such:

“Activated carbon with vast surface area to which stench adheres and gets neutralized.”

Now that is one scary, scary sentance. Let’s start off with “Activated Carbon”. Let’s head back to wikipedia and find out what the hell THAT means!

“Activated carbon, also called activated charcoal or activated coal, is a form of carbon that has been processed to make it extremely porous and thus to have a very large surface area available for adsorption or chemical reactions.”

So now I’m sticking charcoal in my pants? Sure, that sounds fuckin’ smart. Sounds to me like a fabulous way to start an ass-fire. Or turn my ass black. Either way, this doesn’t sound good to me.

I also love the term “Extremely porous”. I have no joke about it, just thought it was a cool sounding term.

It would appear this “activated carbon” is good for stopping chemical reactions. Which is great, because when I find out I’m shoving a form of fuel down my pants, there may be a couple of those chemical reactions going off. What happens when urine mixes with coal?

Anyway, back to our description of layer two. Let’s tackle the next phrase in that sentance: “Vast surface area”

What are you trying to say, you bastards?! “Vast”?! Fuck you! What makes you think I need “Vast surface area”. Why not just cut the rhetoric and euphemisms and say what you want to say: “LOTS of room for your fat ass”. Wow, Subtle Butt, you’re just cruel.

“Stench adheres and gets neutralized.”

Stench. That’s fantastic. Could have used one of many words. Odor. Smell. But no, they went with a more extreme word. A stronger, much more unpleasant word. Stench. What are you eating that causes you to emit a “stench”. Then again, if you need a product like this, stench is probably a very fitting word.

So the second layer catches the stench, and eliminates it. Like some kind of stinky terminator. Kudos, Subtle Butt. Until now I never hated the word neutralized. But now…

Alright, let’s take a look at the company that makes such a fine product. Pond Inc. out of Irvine, California. They have a whole slew of products of this nature over at Garment Guard!

Among the list of products that are fairly simple and useful, we have our Subtle Butt.

“Subtle Butt™ is a disposable gas neutralizer made of activated carbon fabric with an antimicrobial layer. Each 3.25-inch square shield is held onto the inside of underwear or pants with two self-adhesive strips. Subtle Butt effectively filters flatulence, absorbing and neutralizing its odor. “

There is more in that one paragraph than my feeble mind could ever possibly handle. I may need to start drinking just to cope with this. Alright, let’s dive right into it.

“Disposable gas neutralizer”

Disposable? Let’s fucking hope so! I’m sure as hell not keeping something like that in the drawer next to my socks! And I would hate to find out how you clean something that’s filled with farts. I could imagine it would be the same process they use to clean bus seats: They Don’t.

“Each 3.25-inch square shield“

I’m not sure I even want to go there. Nevermind, yes I do. SHIELD?!?! Are you shitting me! A SHIELD! A shield is used to defend your life! How bad are your farts that you need a SHIELD!

“Sir, I’ve brought your shield. What do you need it for?”

“To protect myself against swords, arrows, and post-Gas Station Burrito farts that may be sent my way!”

I’m starting to get worried that this product is made for, and by, clinically insane people. Perhaps it’s made by the same people that made THESE!

“held onto the inside of underwear or pants with two self-adhesive strips.”

For some reason, I read this sentence as “Held onto the inside of your underwear, and if you aren’t wearing underwear, your regular pants work I guess… you pervert.”.

With two adhesive strips. Folks, listen. There are certain words, phrases, that do not belong in sentences involving the “private sector”. One of those words is “prickly”. One of the most important is “Adhesive”. Adhesive makes things stick together. And ass-cheeks are two things that should not live in fear of this. Just sayin’.

So, I clicked on the product page. And discovered the greatest picture that has ever happened upon my eyes. Just head over to this page and see for yourself. That there is a major win if I ever saw one.

Below, we find a tiny picture that has the instructions for this product. And yes, they too are fuckin’ hillarious.

Step 1: Peel off adhesive and stick Subtle Butt onto the inside of your underwear or pants, exactly where you think it goes.

Well I don’t know about you, but I’m in tears right now. Laughing and crying tears, at the same time. At least these people realize this product is hillarious, and have a bit of a sense of humor about it.

The next step is my personal favorite:

Step 2: Go for it. Let ‘er rip. Have at it. Cut loose. Break wind. Gas it up.

I almost feel like writing these people a love letter now. Because no matter how hard I try to wrap my head around that “instructional step”, I can’t seem to figure out HOW it’s not the funniest fucking thing ever written.

The third step talks about throwing it away and getting the fuckin’ adhesive off your underpants. Which I really think you should consider. I could only imagine what adhesive in your underpants looks like. A white, sticky substance in your pants. And after all that smiling you were doing while wearing them!

More research on this site shows a few things.

1) I have no life and spent entirely too much time invested in websites selling Fart Eaters.

2) These are apparently for sale at Nordstroms. Which scores them extra points on the awesomeness scale.

3) We can CONTACT THEM! Oh joy!

Let’s focus on the third one, shall we. Awhile back, when I discovered this site, I did indeed send them an email. I used the same tact and grace that I do when writing this blog. And even with all that, they still haven’t sent a response. How rude!

Ultimately, I’m sure this product is helpful for people with over-active colons and severe gas problems. I’m sure it’s a fine product. However: It it horribly silly! And it’s way too advanced of a technology for my liking. It’s as if NASA spent billions of our… tax… dollars… SON OF A BITCH! I knew this sounded like some space-aged shit. Damn you NASA, you didn’t spend that money on blowing up the moon! You spent it on Fart Eater research. I’m on to you, you bastards!

Anyway, this whole thing stinks, so I have to go. But let it be known, that if this sparks your interested in this product, and you purchase it. I don’t want to know you.

When writing this gig, we were laughing our heads off. We had set a runaway path to make sure those Louis Vuitton guards wouldn’t chase us or call police. Enjoy, it’s never been done before!

We had a blast filming this phenomenon! Enjoy watching. More videos to come. Stay tuned.

The Turkey Trot.

Every year I come to Denver for Thanksgiving, our family participates in the Turkey Trot, a 4 mile race through the city. The Macias family has completed the run 14 years straight. This year was the first year that Uncle Pete, Aunt Shelly, August and Aunders have also been there while I have.

A couple weeks before I left for Denver Aunty Shelly had messaged me on Facebook, telling me to prepare for the run, because Aunders, the track-star was going to kick everyone’s ace. Honestly, I didn’t pay much attention to it. But, when everyone was finally together, and we had time to hear about Aunders’ other running accomplishments, everyone was choosing him as the 2009 Turkey Trot Winner, no joke.

The morning of the race we were forced to wake at the butt-crack of dawn, well 7:30 am, but when you haven’t slept in a few days it sure feels like the butt-crack. Uncle Danny, Aunt Mimi, Uncle Pete, Aunt Shelly, August and Aunders met us with the RV at Kevin’s apartment. We all headed into the city tired, but excited to run.

We arrived at the race site with about an hour before start time. While we waited, we had a good time eating bananas, drinking chocolate milk, supposedly a great pre-game drink, and telling funny Hallsten family stories. I don’t know why, but the Hallsten family sure does have a lot of gross, nasty, disgusting, fart-filled stories, and they always seem to involve  Todd, and, always come out when everyone is eating. Good thing we are all used to it. The family newcomer, Paige, learned how to deal quick.

The race began at 10:15 am. We stood at the front of the starting line, sizing up all the competition. When the gun sounded, Kevin, August and I tried to keep at the break-neck pace, set by our half Kenyan cousin, Aunders. Kevin fell back after the first mile, August and I managed the first two miles, then Aunders decided we were all too slow and disappeared into the mass of Olympic runners in the front of the pack. I was alone the last two miles of the race, and had to stop multiple times with the; honest to god, worst side-ache I think I have ever experienced. But, after about four or five 80-year-old women and their husbands who looked twice as old passed me, I suddenly felt much lighter on my feet (no offense to any old folks reading).

I came into the finish line with a time of 35 minutes, meaning I was running about 8 minute miles. Aunders beat me by a good 10 minutes, meaning he ran 6 minute miles, all the while looking as if he could run 10 more miles. The rest of us (me) were hunched over coughing up our lungs.

The old-farts all came in a little later and after a short break headed for the beer garden. Shelly, August, Aunders, Kevin, Paige, Sara, Pojke (Macias family dog) and I headed back to the RV. While we were walking back, I had my first bird-turd experience, not very fun. Don’t walk under trees I guess is the moral of that story. How it happened I still don’t know. I was simply walking and talking with Auntie Shelly, when the next thing I know I feel something hit me on the forehead, hear the birds chirping, get that nervous feeling, ask Aunt Shelly if I have something in my hair, and then watch her almost fall on the ground laughing. Yeah, even worst, she announced that I have been ’shat’ on to just about everyone in our general vicinity, which was like 749327598357923 people. A thick skin comes in handy when the Hallsten Family gets together.

After the race Paige and Kevin had to go to her mother’s, for Thanksgiving dinner number 1. The rest of us headed over to Einsteins’ Bagels and enjoyed, bagels, obviously. The nice man in the store even let Uncle Danny carry Pojke through to the outside seating so he could be with us.

Thanksgiving Dinner.

The ride back to the house was a sleepy one. Everyone was completely spent from the race. When we got back to Mimi and Danny’s, I rode back to Nanny’s with Uncle Pete, Aunt Shelly, August and Aunders. I got to meet their ginormous dogs, Nilla and Moose, who are both gentle-giants. They made me miss Teal, Max and Indy a ton. At Nanny’s I showered, put on pants and sat down on the bed for about a second. I woke 3 hours later, Aunt Shelly and Uncle Pete had left, Aunders was in Nanny’s chair knitting, August asleep as well. Nanny was frantically trying to finish the last-minute cooking. We all got up to help her carry things to the car and were soon on our way to Mimi’s

Once there, we filled our glasses with wine, began eating amazing cheese and crackers, and waited for the dinner to be ready. I called home and spoke with Mom and Dad and Grandpa John. I even got to talk to Aunt Suzette. Sorry to those who I didn’t get to say hello to.

Dinner was amazing, couldn’t have been better. The younger people sat at a different table, not far from the ‘wise.’ We all went around and said what we were thankful for. I don’t wanna get all mushy, so I’ll spare you the details. We told more funny stories during dinner, and the wine seemed to make everything ten times as funny. I told some terrifically funny stories about Todd, the best ones always seem to include him like I said before. We also got to hear drunken tales of the past from Aunt Shelly and Uncle Pete. Nanny even chimed in a few times to add to the hilarity.

After dinner, Kevin, Paige, Aunders and I got to enjoy the hot tub at Mimi and Danny’s. It was s relaxing. Aunders was approximately three sheets to the wind, and acting hilarious. Mimi made us Margaritas, and they were amazing, the whole night was amazing, amazing was the word of the night.

After the hot tub we went back in and had pie. I love pie. There were many choices to choose from: Pecan, Pumpkin, Lemon-Meringue, Apple, all very yummy. Soon after it was time for everyone to go home. We hugged, kissed, said our goodbyes. It was a bittersweet ending to a great week in Denver with the best family in the world.

Now the hard work for finals next week begins, and then, Friday, off to Siberia….oh boy!

My final day in the USA to come.

Thanks Eli for the find!

Gerry (Jerry) Phillips has been playing music for 40 years, but he doesn’t play an instrument or sing…. he uses his hands.

Apparently, when he was 9 years old, he learned the fabulous childhood gift of farting with your hands:

From YouTube page:

i could do it right away. i soon found notes, then simple songs, now i can play just about everything. i’m happy making videos and featuring them on youtube where people like you can see them!

Kudos good sir. Check out my favorite video of his below and also check out his YouTube page for more awesome covers!

I Magnetic Fields hanno registrato un nuovo album e uscirà il 26 gennaio 2010 per la Nonesuch Records e si chiamerà Realism e pare avrà la stessa orrenda copertina di Distortion, solo che beige e non rosa. A febbraio inizierà il tour e passerà anche in Europa. Se non passa a Milano m’ammazzo.

Sembra che Realism costituisca una specie di dittico con Distortion, ma più folk. E siccome Stephin Merritt è sempre stata una persona con il sale in zucca, nonostante una produzione molto molto fluente, ha subito avvertito che sì, sarà folk, ma non troppo: “non ce la faccio ad ascoltare il suono di una chitarra acustica per più di tre minuti”.

È la band con i tre membri più brutti del mondo, eppure su youtube c’è un tizio che si è messo a fare video per ognuna delle loro 29 love songs. O meglio, ci ha provato: si è fermato a quota 13, ma non so come è riuscito ad azzeccare quasi tutte le mie preferite.

Jim Linville is in town (New Orleans), so is Jim West, as is James Crossley, but I haven’t seen any of the buggers! So is Stephanie Fisher, or so says Jim West. Actually, I think Steph was in my session on Burton Mack, sitting at the front in bright clothes. I had to run, since it was a mad, mad day. A paper on Bloodthirsty Little brats first, a paper on Burton Mack second, Ideology and Translation Steering Committee third, eating some food I’ll probably never eat again (but fart out for the next day or three) and then indulging in the free titbits and drink at the De Gruyter reception. Wonder if I’ll ever meet them

So, I’m sitting here watching my TIVO’d show and I’m watching the dynamic between my two canine boys unfold and I’m thinkin’ somewhere, the watchamacallit that sits up on top of the thing and passes judgment, on all of creation and it’s inhabitants, is probably thinkin’  how stupid are these humans that they can’t see I’ve given them one of the most precious gifts in the universe: the dog.  I mean seriously think about it, dogs are a one-stop-shop for pretty much everything the human condition requires.  A dog loves you conditionally, does not talk back (Teddy does but that’s a story for another day), accepts you unconditionally no matter what you might do, is always happy to see you come back, is heartbroken to see you go, always wants to cuddle, usually will make you crack up (unless he’s eatin’ your Ferragamo mules, then he’s makin’ you cry), and never, ever gets judgey.  A dog does not care that your bank account has taken a shit, that your stocks are worth far more if they are used for toilet paper than for anything else, won’t bitch if you change the channel, actually wants to watch YOUR shows, always wants to play and spend time with you, and typically as far as he or she is concerned, YOU are the sun that his or her little planet revolves around.  You will never hear your dog tell you you’re inadequate, not good enough, not present enough, not this or that enough, or anything else.  You know what this was gonna be a rant on the fact that Crazy Legs (Teddy) is forever chasing the cat and making his life hell, and Sir Farts A lot has the singularly most  lethal ability to gas ANYONE out of any room, but the truth is, Teddy’s self perception that only he matters and god help you if you get between him and his cookie, and Freeway’s noxious farts, really don’t matter, because when the shit hits the fan, typically, they are the ones that are there to help me sort through the fall out.   This Thanksgiving was really going to be just one more shitty holiday, especially given all of the upheaval in my life in the last 36 months, but the truth I have lots to be thankful for, farts notwithstanding.  I’m getting my health back, which means I can get back to my dojo, and to running and in general back to my life; I have my grandparents who I love more than anything else on the planet, and they are relatively healthy given they are 85 and 95 respectively; my businesses are starting to pick up; I’m writing a new manuscript; I’ve started this blog; and, I’m planning on getting certified in a few more things having to do with my tech services business.   Things can always be better, buy really in the big scheme of things I guess they aren’t really all that bad right now…

Is there anything funnier than a good fart joke? No. There isn’t. Welcome to Friday’s Fart Fun. Short vids of people farting. NSFMA (Not Safe For Mature Audiences)

Enjoy!

Macy and Sam enjoy making fart sounds in the tub

Spotify är en musiktjänst som tillhandahåller ett brett musikbibliotek för streaming via ett externt program som kan laddas ner till både din dator och mobiltelefon.
Det finns i en betalversion men även som en gratistjänst, finansierad av reklamintäkter från diverse annonsörer. Hitintills är många väldigt nöjda med tjänsten och lovordar den som framtidens sätt att distribuera musik för konsumenterna. Jag tror mig dock a funnit vad som kan bli Spotifys  säkra död.

Halloween Monster Farts – The Flatulent Phantoms (Öppnas i Spotify på egen risk)

1.  Do you think farts are funny?

You all know the answer is “yes”.

2.  What’s a good new TV show I should start watching?

… since Rock Of Love isn’t on anymore.

3.  What’s something I should write about next week?

If no one can think of anything I’m going to write about this.

4.  Which should I learn to do first: break dance or kung fu fighting?

I mean… they’re both so similar…

5.  Short hair or long hair on me?

Also notice the blonde and dark contrast of Bunny’s hair… she hates that it looks so good dark!!

I sell awesome stinky stuff

Patrick on his favorite thing about the baby

“He farts every time I change his diaper…  …  he’s just like his dad”

how much do i love my life? sooooo much!

At what point is it okay to fart in front of your boyfriend? Ever? What if you couldn’t help it?

As in, he spends every waking minute with you,

And he feeds you chocolate,

And he doesn’t let you drink enough water,

And you’re drinking coffee to get rid of that hangover that he contributed to last night,

And you’re all comfy in your bed,

And your tummy starts gurgling,

And you don’t want to get up every five minutes,

And it’s not going to make a sound…

“Oh my God, did you fart?”

“No, why?”

“Because it smells like ASS in here! You DID fart!”

Well, shit.

“That’s for farting really loudly in front of me yesterday. You deserve it!” I fanned the covers a bit.

Tacitly accepting the punishment, he didn’t get up.

I suppose we’re at that point.

He still refuses to meet my parents. I think this is a good move on his part.

My dad farts a LOT.

So my blog has been ignored and I need to keep up with it, else it’s gonna leave my sorry ass. But since I have been writing lately, a lot might I add, I just did not have the time for this. Life’s finally getting back on track, I have a job I love, people around me that I adore.

I do not think this can get any better. Ok, maybe it could. But I am a little more optimistic that I was. It hasn’t always been easy and it’s at time like those that I tend to pen down random thoughts. Stuff that makes me laugh, cry, smile. ALL AT THE SAME FRIGGIN TIME!

Like the fact that I laugh, inwardly when I fart. (YES, women DO fart.) And I also laugh at the other’s too, I don’t want to be selfish. What can I say? Our earth is habited by people who think that is funny, and those who think I’m disgusting. Both reactions make me laugh harder, snort and fart. Again.

Sitting in the luxury of our air conditioned buses, I caught my co-passenger throwing me gagging looks as I picked my nose. Aww, c’mon its not like you have NEVER done it. Sometimes the booger is so faaaaar inside, a tissue will JUST not work. Besides, that’s the ONLY gold I will be able to dig for. Leave me be, also, I wash my hands…eventually.

I sleep with a pillow. Not on one, WITH one. Yes, I maybe a 20-something, but I do. I’ve been made fun off, regaled or whatever and I DONT CARE! Because I am not afraid to embrace my inner child, which is a pillow.

I write EVERYTHING down. It could be a random shop sign. BUT I WILL WRITE IT. It makes me happy, it makes me remember fun things. It helps me write. Maybe it’s a product of living alone or venturing out on my own, although I’m rather sociable, I love when I can sit and write in complete silence. That to me, is sex.

I think it takes skill to be abrupt and I love it.

I have to wash my feet before I do ANYTHING. Wanna meet me for lunch? No, don’t worry I showered this morning, but I need to wash my feet. Market, sure, let me just wash my feet and be there. Sex? Haha, no.

LUCY
She didn’t use fart jokes, sex jokes, or random pop culture references in her show and she’s still remembered as one of the funniest women on earth.

(Lucille Ball)

Old school girls rule.

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Is there anything funnier than a good fart joke? No. There isn’t. Welcome to Friday’s Fart Fun. Short vids of people farting. NSFMA (Not Safe For Mature Audiences)

If I had any say in Hollywood, Leslie Nielsen would be in every movie and have a mantle full of Oscars.

Enjoy!