(Erika/Mom) Last week, my daughter Lizzi and I came up with 10 terrific fashion trends we would like to see continue in 2010. We thought it only appropriate to follow up with New Year’s wishes of what we DON’T want to see anymore. Let’s start with a clean slate, people. January 1 is the day to wake up in those cute new PJs you got, eat a healthy breakfast, play Monopoly with your kids…and throw out your Uggs!!!

Before you start chucking your old worn-out boots at me, you should know that I have my own version of Uggs. They are Lands End clogs, red with sheepskin lining. They are supremely comfortable, easy to throw on, and I wear them far too much between November and April. Lizzi averts her eyes when she sees my red feet coming. But I’m not talking about banning Uggs for shoveling snow off the driveway or thick clogs for walking the dog. They are wonderful cold-weather boots. Here’s what I hate:

It's alright to wear them inside but not out!

Don’t hate me. I’m just tired of Uggs worn in all the wrong places. Now Lizzi will tell you her wish.

(Lizzi/Daughter) One trend I would not like to see in 2010 would be the whole destroyed/ripped trend. I don’t know the exact name for it, but I think it looks totally trashy and weird. I’m constantly seeing ripped leggings and shirts and dresses being sold everywhere from Forever21 to even Neiman Marcus! I don’t mind destroyed jeans to an extent. But if they’re destroyed to a point where your whole leg shows then it makes me want to gag.

Instead of wearing rips and detroyed jeans, try cut-outs. They are a lot cleaner and more sophisticated than tons of rips and holes.

Have a Happy New Year, everyone!

Those dedicated followers of action that have been regular visitors of my blog know that a while ago I posted a long rant about how I was so bored with my hair, as it had always been insanely-colored, short, long, skunk-hawked, mulleted — whatevs. A few people even asked me to post some pictures, but as I tend to lose things and/or not document them, or lose the documentation of things that have been documented in a typical ADD-fashion, I could only find about two.

Well, chittlin’s, it’s your lucky blog.

A friend sent this in from a pile of old VHS tapes I gave her when I moved house. Amid copies of HEATHCLIFF: THE MOVIE, CINEMA PARADISO and REVENGE OF THE NERDS II: NERDS IN PARADISE, she found a blank videocassette with my mother’s writing simply labeled “Nikki.”

I give you now, THE TAPE.

Oh. My. I was a hair model for L’Oreal — note the Queen Amidala lips, exciting eye makeup, and of course the FUCKING FIERCENESS!!! My face is all “Fuck you, School Support Staff On Strike!”

So, children, the lesson we learn once more is that people are not who they might appear to be all the time — and that not all popstars grow up with long blonde extensions.

UNDERCUT!

FUCK YEAH!

Writing this blog has become a near daily experience for me and I have a ritualistic approach to generate my topics. With green tea in hand, I peruse my favorite websites in order to find inspiration for my postings. Time and time again PeopleofWalmart.com has become my safety net because of the absurdity they collect and today we have another Asscapades extravaganza:

What was this poor creature thinking when she left her house, ‘I paid $55 for the full Brazilian so I want to get my money’s worth?’ Seriously, I would gladly pay her back twofold to put her business under lock and key.

My dear pear shaped ladies, today’s fashion tip  you need to always remember is that barring topless beaches in Europe, public nudity is not a viable option. Generally, if you are gorgeous and have a rocking body you will just come off as cheap. If your thighs have more ripples then the ocean then frankly, all the land-lubbers will get a little sea sick. Please be kind, and cover that behind!

One of the funner things about wedding planning, I’ve found, is the license to cruise wedding websites and bridal magazines with utter abandon.  I’m a bride now – I can look at that shelf! I can think about color palette and buffet vs. sit-down, I can I can! I’ve always tried not to be That Girl, the one who’d already planned everything and was just waiting to plug in the Groom.  (See here.)  And I think I’ve done a pretty good job of it, because I often don’t have the foggiest idea of what a vendor is talking about when s/he is trying to sell me something.  They speak in some kind of wedding vernacular that I simply don’t understand.

But that’s okay, because the benefit of my restraint is that I now get to discover just how much fouffery is out there.  And there is a lot.  Much of it amazing.

I don’t know what’s more arresting: the fact that she seems to be missing the overwear to her underwear, or that her underwear has conveniently mapped where her nipples are.

The red carpet for last night’s American Music Awards was just like the show– overall boring, with a few good moments. Emphasis on few. For the looks I didn’t like or thought was mediocre, I made over. Y’all know how I feel about solutions: if you don’t have a solution to the problem, don’t complain about it. Simple.

I never thought I would have to do this with my girl Rih Rih! But this Marchesa rosette cut-out dress was wrong (sorry Mariel). For her fix, I chose a dress from the same Marchesa Spring 2010 collection. This strapless short dress, with sculpted bust and waist detail would have looked stunning on Rihanna! And the white fabric dripping would have given her the spunk she goes for all the time. Yes!

While the Versace dress Shakira rocked was cute, flirty and sexy, I am tired of this look on Shakira! Every awards show, it never fails, the same strapless mini dress, just in a different color. I chose this Roberto Cavalli Eyelet-Embellished Dress for her because it was sexy, funky, but still fresh and new. With the cutout neck, asymmetric peaked hem at front, and diagonal pleat seam, Shakira would have successfully pulled off the same look she was going for with this mini dress- just better! She could throw these on with thigh high boots for an even sexier look, or rock pumps to keep the focus on the dress!

I never want to take someone out of their element. Obviously Kelly Clarkson was going for the in-season sequined/embellishment trend, she just went about it the wrong way. Looks like her grandma made it for her, and she didn’t want to tell her no. To fix this I chose this 3.1 Phillip Lim Sequined Silk Wrap Dress, which is still fun and young, but still conservative in a way. This dress would have also flattered her body better, as opposed to highlighting where she is more *voluptuous*. She could have paired this with a pair of black pumps, even the pumps she wore with her dress!

Nicole Kidman bored me to death in this Balenciaga gown. I don’t know if it was because of the fit, or because of the way she wore it. I don’t know what it is, but it didn’t work. I chose this Jil Sander Sculpted Asymmetric Gown because it was simple in a sense, but still very funky and attention grabbing. Perfect for a woman her age, and for a woman of her stature. Don’t want to do too much, because it is just the AMA’s not the Oscar’s, but you still want to look good because you’re representing your man, girl!

I understand where Leona Lewis was trying to go with this, but she just didn’t get there safely. I chose to rectify this situation with this Marc Jacobs Asymmetric Velvet Dress. It still has a funky asymmetric pleated overlay at neck, but a better fabric choice of velvet. Cinching the waist with a belt would flaunt her body, and allow the organza underskirt to puff out. Rocking this dress with boots will also give it an edgier look. This Vivienne Westwood dress on Leona just didn’t work out for the best.

As some one who lived through the 80’s I have some memories. Some are fond, some are blurry and many of them are tainted with the recollection of really bad fashion. Mullets, frosted hair, acid wash, stirrup pants and enormous shoulder pads all evolved during this time period and with the “power of Greyskull” that is where it all should stay.

Unfortunately, one of these trends just won’t die are harem pants. The diaper like garment are being touted by many fashion magazines as the hot trend (for shame Lucky Mag). However, us common folk most likely associate this look with M.C. Hammer:

Even though his third album pleaded to the rap master “Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em” this shapeless pant craze did exactly that. The Hammer was smart with his style choices. He picked up on a pant style that dated back to the 16th century and made it his own and the end result was brilliant marketing.

However if you are a pear shaped woman looking to put your mark on the harem pants movement, the simple answer is DON’T. The extra draping of the fabric will just add unwanted visual inches onto your lower torso plus it will always look like you are carrying an extra load of something.

Even gorgeous tennis pro Maria Sharapova had trouble pulling off this look and if anyone could look hot in a white, swaddle inspired style it is this vixen:

Even her lithe figure looks pear shaped sporting this craptastic style.

We didn’t go anywhere this weekend. But we’ve proven that you can learn a thing or two on the web… For example: tennis. Here’s an example of what we discovered: fashion on the court. In the past, girls playing tennis looked like this:

19thcentury

Now, thanks to polyester and yeaaaaars of exercise, they look like this:

Serena Williams

Well, actually, the suit this woman is wearing is not impacting all on its own. It’s how she looks in it!! I don’t know, I mean, it just makes you wonder what could happen if that racket slipped out of her hand. Or: Hey, where does she keep the balls? Damn! I mean if you wanted to intimidate your opponent before the match, Serena, you sure as hell got that right!

Now, a few questions have arisen while watching this woman in action.
a) Is Serena Williams gay? Well, Ale thinks she is, but Ale thinks eeeeveryone is gay. I, personally, don’t think so. I think she’s the reincarnation of Conan the Barbarian. You’ll say that Conan is fiction… But look at Serena…don’t you see she is, too?
b) I think she doesn’t have Ice Cream very often, but if she did, she’d probably order it like this…

I was shopping at my mall the other day and I noticed this girl at Nordstrom with a short Hanes t-shirt and black leggings. Um, Honey we don’t want to see your butt.. It’s ok if you wear it like this:

I guess but at least cover both frontal and back…it shouldn’t be hanging out.

So.. Ladies (and guys) take note… Wearing a Hanes T-shirt with leggings is a FASHION DO’N'T and should be a federal crime.

[I know this was short ..I'll post more later]

Here is this week’s Pendulum article on the Top Ten Fashion Dont’s!

Look forward to next week’s column featuring advise from Elon University’s Dr. Anne Bolin.

Confidence is the number one characteristic needed to carry off any type of fashion trend. However, like anything else, too much of it can be dangerous and the site People of Walmart seems to prove it time and time again.

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This poor creature looks like she was cleaning some of her intimate spaces with a wash-cloth, was caught by surprise and ran out the door with the fabric gently stored between her but cheeks for future use. But alas, the reality is she knew almost exactly what she was doing when she choose this outfit for the day.

This fashion disaster could have been easily avoided and we can all benefit from her mistakes. The dark color on top with the light shorts just emphasizes her bottom heavy nature and short-shorts should just be made illegal as the fashion police write too many citations for this crime.

This lass could be a radiant being if she only took the time to visit Pear Shapely and benefit from the words posted here. Luckily, you are wisely learning from her mistakes and know that if you have a pear shaped body, this is your number one resource for fashion tips, discount codes and valuable insight pertinent to us maintaining or lovely figures.

I can only hope that since I’ve already lost it and it’s only 9:30 am that the rest of the day will be cake. I mean really… how is it possible to get up at 5 am, work out for 70 minutes, do the dishes, get ready, and then have the day be shot to hell?

I take the bus to work, which I actually enjoy. The commute is only 15-20 minutes (vs. riding the Metro which is close to 30 or 40) and there aren’t any tourists. Ever. As the bus pulled up this morning, I realized that I didn’t have my SmarTrip card with me (which had close to $200 on it).

I walked home and ransacked my apartment… no card. As I quickly calculated where I lost it, I realized that I dropped it on the bus after I used it on Tuesday afternoon. I got in my car and drove to work. Metro’s website told me my card had no value (!) when I tried to transfer the funds. I called and let the phone ring 21 times. No one picked up and their mailbox was full. I was, by this time, close to having a hissy fit so I huffed myself over Metro Center.

Metro Center has 3 street entrances and of course I went to the other two before finding the correct one with customer service inside. The guy in the booth said he couldn’t help because it’s a contracted situation. Gee, thanks. His contribution to my story was 1) ticking me off; and 2) giving me a phone number to the company that contracts the SmarTrip cards.

That organization picked up on the third ring and I actually spoke to a human! Wow. She gave me some directions but I dropped the phone in the middle of her soliloquy. I quickly found myself on my hands and knees, kneeling where a homeless person had most likely peed the night before, and scribbling her instructions to transfer the $200 to my new card.

The escalator continued belching up commuters. There was a tour bus full of passengers, a UPS truck, FedEx truck, and people of all sorts rushing around me. I got up and narrowly avoided being hit by a cab. I found myself crossing over F Street on 13th and then felt a rather odd sensation. Did I mention I’m wearing a wrap dress today?

The ties in the back had come undone and I was not only on my hands and knees 3 minutes earlier (to the untrained eye, I’m sure it looked as though I was praying to Allah), but now I was taking my clothes off a few blocks from the White House and showing my goods to the world.

Some days I can not control my coolness.

More people need to do a double take in the mirror before leaving the house to ensure that everything that should be covered is and that no one should have to see your truly dirty little secrets. Courtesy of the hilarity of Fail Blog here is a prime example of this fashion tip that all people, pear shaped, apple shaped or spaghetti shaped near to adhere to:

Seriously, this disaster makes me long for her to cover up her assets with the Winky Jeans.

Kanye…that was an ignant move! The looks on Taylor & Beyonce’s faces are priceless.

…and I see why Kanye acted the fool

Why are you sippin on Henny at an awards show my nigga? Wait til after! And Amber, your fashion choices are killin me as of lately.

Here are some ”fashion faux-pas” that I find quite often on the streets of Vancouver:

Christian Audiger/Ed Hardy/Affliction and other Gangster Wannabe clothes


“The New Face of Ed Hardy” lol. (Source)

I see high school kids, and even 50-year old Vietnamese men, decked-out in these brands of clothing strutting around like they’re so hardcore. They are ridiculously over-priced for the ugliest shit I’ve ever seen. Though Ed Hardy and Affliction are banned from Vancouver clubs because they’re supposedly associated with gangs, they should be banned everywhere because they’re just plain nasty.

High-heels with Sweat Pants

You’re not fooling anyone to believe that your Lululemons are dress pants… do NOT wear sweat pants with heels. I don’t understand why people do this. Is it because your high heels are that uncomfortable, that you have to make up for the comfort by wearing sweat pants?

Yoga Pants outside of the Gym

 
(Source)

Lululemon pants are everywhere in Vancouver. I’ll forgive you if you’re just wearing them grocery shopping, or just running errands, but seriously, those should be the only exceptions when wearing yoga pants… Oh, and of course, to the GYM. The thing I hate the most is when some women wear yoga pants that are just way too tight for them, therefore exposing.. CAMEL TOE. No one wants to see that, ladies.. except for the nasty old pervies.. do you really want them checking you out there?

Leggings are NOT pants

Same as the tight-yoga-pants case. Unnecessary exposure of camel toe. Wear a top long enough to cover you up there. For the love of God, please.

North-Face-Jacket-Adidas-Track-Pants-Boys

Sometimes at the mall, I run into a group of 8-10 junior high/high school boys wearing the same outfits consisting of a black down-filled North Face jacket, along with matching Adidas Tear-Away track pants. I don’t know what’s up with Vancouver high school kids going, what I would consider, BEYOND conformity, and wanting to all dress exactly the same. They’re like clones!Another rant about North-Face jackets: are they really necessary in 15 degree weather? I see young boys wear them even when its hot out.

     + = 15-year old douche with no individuality.

I’m sure there are a lot more.. but those are my opinions of the absolute worst Vancouver ‘trends’.

I just have to add one more to the list… Since Calgary is my hometown, I’ve come up with an example of one for Cowtown, Alberta!

The Cowboy Tuxedo!

(Source)

Please, even Justin Timberlake can’t get away with this.

So, what are YOUR examples of fashion-faux-pas?

Are you hot….or cold mama?

So if you havn’t noticed, within the last year or so girls wearing Ugg boots with skirts or shorts, or just when it’s warm outside, has become some odd trend.  What they think is a hot new trend, is actually a fashion don’t. 

Uggs and shorts, at the beach. Do you really think this matches?

I mean, what is the point in wearing thick, wool-lined, boots when it is a million degrees outside.  Or let alone, when it’s not even cool enough to wear a jacket??  It became common to see girls wearing them all around beach cities.  Come on you live in flip-flop county!

If you’re going to wear Uggs, do so with pants or jeans like you are supposed to.  If you’re going to wear Uggs with a skirt, wear leggings, then you’re at least still within the “trying-to-stay-warm” theme.  As for with shorts…. that probably just shouldn’t be done at all.  The exception to wearing boots with shorts and skirts, are pretty much any other type other than the Uggs type.  Want to wear cowboy looking boots, go ahead.  Want to wear your Marc Jacobs look alikes, go ahead.  Ugg look alikes, please don’t.  Besides they make your feet and legs look oddly shaped.

What on Earth is she wearing?! Fashion don't

So why do girls wear Uggs?  It’s rumored Pamela Anderson was caught wearing them out, and it just took off from there.  Uggs originated in Australia as slippers to keep your feet warm around the house.  Perhaps it was Pamela Anderson that set the trend, perhaps not.  Either way girls decided to start wearing these things.  Perhaps it is to make their own fashion statement in a country that is known for trying odd new trends.  Or it is just the fact that everyone else is doing it now, might as well try yourself right?  And the fact that they make them in baby blue and pink, to seem more appealing, only makes the things worse.

Ladies, I have found more guys that are turned off by the fact that you are wearing Uggs with your tight mini skirts, than appealing.

It just doesn’t make sense. So, alot of girls said they wear them because they’re comfortable and keep their feet warm.  Fine, for the winter that works, but in the summertime, are you crazy?  You don’t wear sandals in the snow, and you certainly wouldn’t wear them in the snow just as part of a fashion statement – your toes would literally freeze off.  You’re in a skirt because it is hot; your feet must be burning up in those things.  But if you want sweaty, smelly, feet, be my guest.  If looking down and seeing the Uggs don’t bother the guy, the stench of your feet might make up for it. 

One local San Diegan man calls them “sand boots”.  The reasoning behind this

Uggs and boardshorts? Guys please don't.

was because here you are in sunny San Diego, beaches everywhere, sand everywhere, it never snows, why do you have snow boots on?  The name seems to be fitting.

Not a good look, Chris!

It is a damn shame what high def imaging has done for some celebrities.

Have you taken a good look at that mug on Lady Gaga?  That’s a face even a mother might not love! Ouch! I’m not usually so harsh (I have very little room to talk) but she makes it more of an issue by attracting so much attention to herself with her clothing (or, more often than not, her lack of clothing).

Honey, put down the Muppet dolls (have you seen the “outfit” where she sewed a bunch of Kermit dolls together and wore them like a coat? Or when she wore Animal’s head as a skirt? seriously, wtf is she on?  I want some!).  What did the Muppets ever do to you that they should be violated in such a manner?  Did you get touched by a guy dressed as Dr. Bunsen Honeydew?  Eat some bad food prepped by the Swedish Chef?  Did Fozzie try to carry you off into the woods?  I heard Jim Henson’s estate is going to sue, and you can’t win.  There are probably more than copyright laws broken with your outfits. Don’t mess with Kermit.  Miss Piggy could take you, and so I fear for your safety.  That’s one violent pig.

I love your music.  That doesn’t mean that I should have to look at you. Can’t you just stay in the house with one of those Phantom of the Opera masks on.  Everyone is tired of staring at your butt cheeks (I’ve seen your naked butt cheeks more often than my husband’s), they no longer distract us from trying to figure out what’s going on with that face of yours.  Your really transparent attempts to hide your face just bring more attention to it.

I understand you want attention.  But, as I tell my children, get good attention not bad.  You seem to be a talented song writer and your singing’s not bad.  I will totally admit to being able to sing all the lyrics to two or three of your songs.  I will admit to cranking Just Dance and singing and dancing along in my car while people in nearby cars look at me like the lunatic I am.  No one can have it all, so play to your strengths.  Just stop assaulting everyone with those truly unfortunate facial features of yours.

We want to give a big up to Mr. Perry. He inspires everyone to give back even though we have everything. This week is all about giving you information for those who haven’t been watching the news and has been living under a rock. Please don’t be afraid to comment on any article. Thanks again for stopping by and visiting us. (Please click on the blue area @ the top of this blog for all articles.)

I don’t know if it is the warmer weather but it seems that people are showing me what not to wear in the summer.  I am no fashionista and have never claimed to be.  My husband tells me that I dress like I am Amish (plain and drab).  I tend to wear solid colors together and don’t own a ton of print clothing.  Though I think I have gotten a bit more colorful in my choice of clothing.

The other day I was walking behind a woman who was wearing very tight white shorts.  The first problem was that she was no size zero in back and the shorts were riding up as a result.  The clincher was that she was wearing turquoise green thongs with these white shorts.  I think that makes it two “don’ts” rather than just one.

Today, I was sitting waiting for my nails to dry and had a nice view of 72nd Street.  Along walk a group of women wearing summery clothing.  One happened to be wearing a light colored tank top that was a bit too tight.  We are talking bra too tight and tank top too tight which just made the bra being too tight even more obvious.  To top off this disaster, she was wearing a fuschia pink bra. 

And please, when wearing a top that has spaghetti straps, don’t show us your bra.  Invest in a good, comfortable strapless bra that you can wear with all those tops that have thinner straps.   No one wants to see your bra!!

I guess I don’t understand why people wear dark colored undergarments with light colored clothing.  I hate when my clothing appears a bit too tight let alone way too tight.  I try very hard to make sure that bra is not even visible in any way beneath clothing.

It is bad enough that we see too much skin, now we are seeing too much underneath also.

People of NYC, please try harder to be a “Do” rather than a “Don’t”.

I’m all for being your own person and having your own style, BUT these victims got it TWISTED. Take a look at these fashion DONT’S and please dont get caught out there like this.
Victim #1 – First of all, she is busted straight out of her clothes. Being big is beautiful, BUT get clothes that FIT. She’s wearing a turtle-neck type shirt (I know she was hot) and has the nerve to put another article of clothing on top (which doesnt match at all). And I’m soooo sick of chicks wearing them black leggings every where they go. Yes, they are comfy (I have a few pairs) but put a lil more in ya style, especially when going to the club.

Victim #2 – She doesn’t look AS BAD as victim #1, but she got it twisted too. She has on a smedium busstier and her tatas are damn near hanging out (big No-No). Then she has on white leggings (here we go again). She probably thought it was cool because the lettering is close in color to the top, but those were a BAD choice. It’s too much going on with this outfit.

Victim #3 – I guess she was really trying to go for the RETRO look. She gets an A for effort but she got it twisted too. First off, why does she have on a sweater in a hot ass club? Then she has pants on with spray-painted lettering (where they STILL do that at?) She was trying to hard to do the matchy thing and the result just doesnt look good. The glasses are pretty cool, so she gets a point for that.

So I received some trend analysis last week that says the Fanny pack is back in…. Really?  I understand that fashion has a circular process, but this one should be left off the rotation.  These bum bags were created in the 80s and were great for hands-free storage, but we have evolved.  So many fun trends from the 80s were based on the fact that they were quirky and different.  I think the “fanny” might have lost its novelty.   I mean why do you need to hang your lip-gloss and iphone from your waist?  Put them in your purse, or for you 90’s hipsters, your cargo pockets. 

Good news: if you are heading to an 80’s party, it sounds like there is going to be some great genuine accessories in stores soon.