1. I love being home with my family, and each time I come home I spin less and less about them.

2. Seeing my best friends, who I grew up with, after a few months is the greatest thing in the world–a few months is forever for us, because we used to spend every waking moment of every day together.

3. “Better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness” ~Chinese Proverb

4. I am really looking forward to seeing my grandparents and cousins. I never, ever, take for granted how incredible my family is, how close we all are, and how much we love each other.

5. It is a million times easier for me to justify to others why they can/should share their feelings/be honest, than it is for me to justify to myself why on earth I would get the right to share my own thoughts and feelings.

6. When the sun isn’t out for a few days, it literally feels like I’m suffocating. That’s the best way I can describe it. The sun is peeking through the clouds today and already I can breathe easier.

7. I need to work on being compassionate.

8. “You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.” ~Ayn Rand

Joy for the Journey: Welcoming Change

Thanksgiving table is set. But where is the turkey?

You have heard the saying, “Familiarity breeds contempt!” But for many people, and perhaps for most people, familiarity breeds comfort.

We humans are creatures of habit and so we find comfort in familiarity, sameness and routine. Some would go so far as to do everything possible to resist change so we can hold on to traditions and habits: because we feel a sense of security and being in control when everything around us stays the same.

In 1998, Spencer Johnson wrote a parable, Who Moved My Cheese, about human reaction to change in the workplace. He uses mice with different personalities to represent the variety of reactions to change. As you can already guess, those that embraced change were the ones that eventually found their cheese for food.

Today is Thanksgiving Day in America. Traditionally American families would have a menu of roast turkey with bread stuffing, cranberry sauce, candied yams, and pumpkin pie with whipped cream. Within this tradition, different families may tweak the menu slightly for their regional and familial preferences. Over the years then, American adults who grow up with a certain tweaking of their tradition have become attached to this. For my husband, turkey stuffing without celery and chopped walnuts would not be Thanksgiving, because that was the way his mother had always made the stuffing. For me as his Chinese bride who grew up in Hong Kong, I have no emotional attachments to any particularly tweaking of the menu or the recipe. My horizon is wide open and I am ready to tweak in a thousand and one ways, or more.

After 27 years of marriage, change, customization, improvisation and adaptation seem to have become the hallmark of our holiday dinners.

Today our 21-year old daughter and her boyfriend are joining us for Thanksgiving dinner. To accommodate our daughter’s vegetarian taste, our menu includes tofu with black bean garlic sauce, steamed fish Chinese style, oven-fried sweet potatoes American style, Shepherd’s Pie Scottish and vegetarian style, and Japanese mochi for dessert.

What a glorious fusion and confusion!

What is significant here? Not the fact that we have such a conglomeration of ethnic cuisines in one meal, all eaten here in America! What’s significant is my perspective about the change, the customization, improvisation and adaptation.

A Thanksgiving menu like ours could cause many Americans grave grief because it is such a radical departure from tradition. But what are some other priorities at work besides my and my husband’s attachment to traditions, habits, and familiarity?

These other priorities are many: the opportunity to build relationships, to explore a new experience, to create new and positive memories for our family album, to stretch our ability to adapt, and to create positive fusion out of confusion. Change is an opportunity to create: to create a new dimension to relationships, a new level of adaptability in us, a new perspective about life and family interactions and much more. We unleash our creativity when we welcome change; we experience joy instead of grief.

In comparison of these priorities, perhaps holding on to what is familiar is not automatically the thing to do on Thanksgiving Day. It may not even be the thing to do at any given time.

The image in this blogpost is attributed to jondis on www.flickr.com.

The moonlight bade me welcome well

As somewhere in the bowels of hell

There lurked a demon who soon did tell

A chasm to open, and in I fell.

In I tumbled, landing near

A demon who, with eyes so clear,

Poured into me a stream of fear,

Leaking out of my eyes in the form of tears.

Yes, I am rather aware that this particular title is somewhat odd, yet I think you all get the picture…

Why is it, that it always seems that time is running out?

I personally, am frustrated beyond belief because of a particular situation dealing with me running out of time. Folks, I have just been handed the opportunity of a life time. One of my deepest passions in life is computers. I am a dedicated computer engineering student, practicing my skills on the internet rather study for my upcoming examinations. I love nothing more than to immerse myself into a piece of code…and I have been given the chance of a lifetime to pursue my passion.

That’s right; I have been studying at a prestigious college of the country in a picturesque town Now, I say town for a reason. I live in a city, yet it’s not exactly one of the most well-known spots on the map, and preserves a small town feel. So, as I can assume you know, this is a huge chance for me to get my name out there…yet I am still being held back.

I am currently experiencing some scheduling difficulties at my studies. It’s not like I don’t know whats written in black and white, I just tend to ignore the fact it’s quite essential to read in order to acquire knowledge. I just don’t know where it’s all headed.

Now I know that most of you who are reading this right now may be pondering as to why I am not just running with this chance. Yet, I am a responsible man and I do not want to seem ungrateful towards my awesome family and friends who has been so supportive of me. I just wish to look them in the eye and say ‘Yes, I know what I’m doing’.

*Sigh* Simply, I am overwhelmed. I am grasping at receiving an answer! My time is running thin! Yet, I am trapped where I am watching the time go by…

So tell me readers. Have any of you ever felt that your chances are hanging in the monotonous balance of schedules and others in your life?

Please share your thoughts with me. Maybe you’ll ignite some inspiration for me and my own situation, or who knows. Another post perhaps?

Please let me know what you’re thinking!

Those poor saps coming for Thanksgiving today.  Frozen pizza isn’t too much of a disappointing replacement for turkey, is it?  All I have to say is that touching meat that actually looks like the animal it came from is disgusting and I’ll never do it again.  I stupidly volunteered to do the turkey this year, not realizing it doesn’t come carved on a platter and that you have to deal with things like juices, salmonella poisoning, floppy wings, slippery skin and most horrid of all, the detached neck left in the cavity.  I hyperventilated taking that out and heaved all the way to the trash can.  I have no idea what gibbards or gizzards or whatever they’re called are, but we’ll find out at dinner tonight because after the neck incident, I refused to go searching and remove them as the instructions stated.  I also refused to cut any excess fat.  Again, stupidly, decided to brine the turkey, so I’ve had to interact with the dumb bird for the past 48 hours, turning it in the brine as its pimply, pasty skin stares up at me.

I still have to “detach skin and rub” blah blah blah and jam a thermometer in the thigh, so this may be my last post as I definitely might die during those requirements.

My goal has changed from “make a delicious and moist turkey” to “be able to take out the garbage that has the detached neck in it without my heart quickening out of irrational fear that it’s going to come to life and eat me.”

For those of you who do follow my blog, I am deeply sorry I have reinvented it.  I have come to realize that my mind is blank and I am at a loss for words.  Deeply troubled at the moment with hopes I will find my thoughts again soon

Thank you for supporting.

I am writing this on Sunday night, November 22.  It will post on Thanksgiving day.  My intention was to write a post of gratitude on this day named just for that.  It’s been a difficult past couple of months though.  There’s a lot in my life to be grateful for, but it’s hard to write about on a day when I’ve found myself in tears three times, missing my friend.  So instead I’m chosing to express thanks, not for what I have, but for what is happening to me now.

In October I had two life-changing events.  The first was a reality check in the form of some tough criticism.  It should have shaken my foundation, but for some reason it didn’t.  It was a truth I always suspected, that had hidden itself under a pretty package and lots of sugar coating.  The second event was, of course, losing one of my best friends, Amy.  The person I was died the day she did.  I’ve tried, in moments, to venture back to the thoughts, desires, and ideas I had before that day and they’re gone.  I’ve tried to have the same conversations I had before that day and I can’t.  I know this is all meant to be.  It is a huge wake up call.  I’m hitting the snooze button right now though.  I’ve always been one of those people who sets the alarm an hour before they really need to get up, just so they can snooze for an hour.  Right now, I’m trapped in the hour.

I haven’t started “doing” anything yet, but my internal guidance system is hard at work.  When I sit mindlessly lurking on the internet, I get that uncomfortable feeling in my gut.  Today I finally listened.  I closed the laptop and I picked up “Class Lessons” by Joel S. Goldsmith.  Reading it, I was reminded of my nature, of the reality of who I am, who we all are.  I thought more about how I’ve lost my way somewhat.  I don’t study and meditate the way I once did.  To some extent, I’ve let my ego take the wheel.  Losing Amy shined a light on that (which is funny b/c during a conversation she once said to me…”this is all about ego, nothing else”), but in the aftermath I’ve been too numb to make the necessary changes.

I read Joel S. Goldsmith’s teachings and I am reminded not to judge the situation.  Today I received an email that made me very happy.  I was torn between dancing or crying(happy tears).  Later on I thought more about it and realized it was also kind of scary and intimidating.  It was only then that I had to stop myself from judging.  I want to let go of the duality.  I want to let go of the concern for myself.  Before Amy died, I had a g-chat conversation with my cyber-friend Biswajit (who has become a sort of spiritual teacher for me) and he asked me what I was looking for (on my spiritual journey).  My response was something like  “to have a true realization that I am taken care of.”  No sooner had I typed that into the chat box, did he come back with a big NO! He then said “your purpose here is not to be taken care of.  It is to take care of others.”  I knew he was right.

Now I am in the midst of a rebirth.  I am discovering a new life.  I am working my way through the grief and fear.  I am hoping to initiate the changes I am being pulled to make.  I know that it takes silence and clarity to hear my inner voice, but it is that voice that will guide me to my rightful place.

Automatic translation of text

JAG KANSKE SKA SLUTA TJATA NU

Man kanske ska sluta tjata på sina barn. Ja, alltså, det är ju inte så att man gnäller på dem hela dagarna. Inte alls. Men det händer väl relativt ofta att man i föräldraskapets sanna anda (?) påpekar sådant som tillhör de sociala dygderna: tugga inte med öppen mun, peta inte i näsan (i alla fall inte offentligt), svara vänligt när andra talar till dig och snälla, spill inte på din nytvättade tröja.

Det sistnämnda har Johannes haft lite bekymmer med (Isak också för den delen). Han är helt hopplös. Han spiller hela tiden . Den naturliga reaktionen är då att man börja instruera och ge råd. Tjata, med andra ord. Men jag har fått en tankeställare om det där, från en märklig incident.

Nyligen, när hela familjen var på väg hem från en kortare resa, stannade vi till i Nyköping för att köpa lite mat. Inne i den stora matbutiken ”råkade” Johannes röra vid en dryckesförpackning som råkade vara sönder. Dricka spills över hela hans T-shirt. Klantigt, Johannes! Ja, ja, det är bara att gå till bilen och hämta en ny tröja. Han får bilnyckeln och går ut till parkeringen.

Men väl ute upptäcker han att det står en mystisk man vid sidan om bilen. Sedan ser den chockerade pojken en annan man som kryper omkring i bilens baksäte. Johannes blir vettskrämd och springer för att hämta oss. Och tjuvarna ser detta.

När vi springer ut på parkeringen är förövarna borta. Nervös går jag fram till bilen, ängslig för vad de kan ha stulit (för många värdesaker låg där – nu är det jag som känner mig klantig). Men när jag kommer fram ser jag inget som saknas. Dock ligger min laptop på baksätet, framtagen ur en gömd datorväska. Jag drar slutsatsen att tjuvarna måste ha haft den i sin hand när när de ser Johannes.

Det var bara att tacka högre makter. Eller vad ska man säga? Jag vet bara det här: vi har aldrig haft inbrott i vår bil förut, men just när det är på gång, vad händer då? Jo, i exakt samma ögonblick går en dryckesförpackning sönder och Johannes spiller på sig själv. Sedan går han ut och skrämmer bort tjuvarna. Och inget går förlorat.

Vad är oddsen att detta skulle ske? Jag menar, det var första bilinbrottet någonsin, och första tröjspillningen i en matbutik. Och detta sker samtidigt! Det är bara att ödmjuka sig i tacksamhet.

Jag och Angelica tittar på dagens hjälte. ”Du kommer aldrig mer höra oss tjata på dig om du spiller igen”, säger vi och kramar om honom. ”Från och med nu får du spilla hur mycket du vill!”

I cannot do this anymore. Something has to give.

Right now, my options are pretty much:

• Kill myself
• Leave university
• Get help

Fuck, I don’t know what to do.

Maybe I should make an appointment with someone, or something.

Fuck. Maybe this is just a moment of weakness. Maybe keeping things as they are is an option.

I’m just so frightened. Of acting. Of not acting.

I feel like any decision I make, other than suicide, is just slightly delaying it. I feel like any decision I make, other than suicide, is weakness and stupidity and will just make everything worse.

But I cannot live like this.

Shit.

ty http://www.heartquotes.net/age.html

The toughest skin holds longest out. Cumberland.

He that tholes [endures] overcomes. Scotch.

"A collection of the proverbs of all nations"

foto- father and son on nsw/qld border 2008

TODAY’S VERSE
“Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name!”
Psalms 100:4 (ESV)

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.”
Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

TODAY’S THOUGHT
It would seem, from our human viewpoint, that it is easier to give thanks to God when everything is going well, than it is when we have conflict and trouble in our life. When there is sickness, discouragement, failure, misunderstandings; when all seems to be lost, how can we give thanks? But thankfully, we have so much more that a human viewpoint. We have a Heavenly vantage. We see through the filter of God’s power, grace, mercy, peace and love. The privilege of knowing God transcends our circumstances. Who are we to enter His gates? What have we ever done to be invited into His courts? And yet we are. Our most precious and mighty God has invited us to know Him and to love Him and with that, we give thanks. And so, even when there are things to worry about, even when we have great needs, we can pray to our Heavenly Father. And with our prayers, we can give thanks. Oh that today, God would receive from our lips an offering of thanks.    

TODAY’S PRAYER
Father, I give You thanks for who You are. I give You thanks for Your grace, mercy, peace and love in my life. I give You thanks for making me Your child and promising to never leave me or forsake me. I praise You and thank You in Jesus’ name.
AMEN

______________________________________________________________

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i saw AS yesterday for lunch. i met her and became her intern at 24, 25…she’s known me for 10 years or so. she told me that a girls she met recently, who’s working with her on her new exhibition, reminds her of me. a younger me. full of confidence, fiery, ambition, but with a relationship that was like dead weight. AS said she doesn’t think the relationship will last. the young woman is coming to her own. she’s having some kind of awakening.

that’s what we go through, especially as women. women have awakenings. it could be in our late 20s, or early 30s, our mid 30s or late 30s. it could be an ongoing awakening…and i think for me, it’s been some kind of awakening journey since my 28th year. and i continue to have these moments of “ding ding ding…” i continue have these little tiny growth spurts, blooms, sprouts. they catch me off guard. but when i notice this growth, i am both surprised, happy, and confused. what do i do now with this new found information about myself? do i allow the growth to continue? or do i stifle it with my old, bad ways, bad habits?

today, i had one of those moments. after getting off a very brief 15 minute conversation with J, i hung up the phone and began to sob uncontrollably. i have many of those now. i attribute that to age, red wine, being alone and comfortable enough in my skin to sob. whatever…so after i finished sobbing, i was thinking how i am such an accommodating person! i have always been. on the one hand, i am very ambivalent about many things that i have no control over, like when someone will call me, when i fall in love again, when i’ll find that great job, etc, etc, etc. i tell myself i do my best and that’s all i can do and the rest is up to magic, fate, life, universe, etc. and on the other hand, aside from ambivalence, it’s just hard to be that stiff with people. to make demands of people, especially when it comes to relationships. i know i don’t want demands made of me, so why would i want to do that to someone else. but! i also know that i don’t want demands to be made of me because i always do my best. do other people also do their best? that…i don’t know…i don’t have as much faith in others as i do in myself.

so my gripe with J is that when we talk, our conversations are always, without fail, cut before i can finish my thought, have my fill of talking/catching up, or before i want to end the conversation. J usually calls me on his way to work. or on his way to somewhere. it’s like he uses me to fill the down time. and as much as i love to hear his voice and talk to him, i’ve come to just accept whatever little time he can give…i almost never ask for/demand for more. nor do i tell him to not call if he doesn’t have time. so, i take what i can get…i yield. and that just sucks! because now it’s habitual. now i only ever talk to him during these windows of downtime. and now the precedence has been set.

and this is the pattern that i want to break when it comes to my relationships with people, but mainly with men. i have a tendency to give off this very cavalier attitude, and i am…again because i am to a certain extent ambivalent. but at some point, when i think things start to get serious, i do put in more effort and i expect the same in return. and when i don’t see the same amount of effort put in, i let the guys get away with continuing to put in very to little effort. it’s a vicious cycle that gets me no where. it doesn’t even get me beyond ambivalence. and i really don’t need more ambivalence in my life.

so i wrote J an email letting him know that i don’t want to “fit” into his life anymore. i am either in it or not. make a decision! let the chips fall where they may.

if this ends. so be it. so the “ding” moment is i have to be good to myself. i have to look out for my needs. i try. but sometimes part of trying isn’t just hunkering down and doing your thing. it’s also setting boundaries, having definitions. and it’s ok to have boundaries to have definitions. i cannot be scared of them or avoid them. because, sadly, i’m usually the one who gets hurt when there aren’t any boundaries or definitions. i just need to set them and see what happens. if things don’t work out because of them, so be it. i will continue to grow. to be me…

I love the movie, “Sunshine”

In a totally abstract fashion,  the way Cliff Curtis as “Searle”. Is completely blown away by the power of the visual experience looking into the sun,  ”for me”  translates to something like the  ”mystical  experience” that I had while skydiving.

The clip bellow is a trance piece ” Alex M.O.R.P.H. – Sunshine (Nitrous Oxide Mix)” made by djmarkr1972 who does a fantastic job mixing Sunshine imagery with the track. He’s done a great job and brings the thing  together to amplify “Searle’s” experience in a totally hypnotic and powerful way.

Last night I came across two very interesting article I would love to share with you. They are both from the Australian news website called news.com.au; which I have been told to take with a shovel of salt. What I like about the web site is that they cover a lot of different topics; but I try to only look at the facts in the article and ignore the opinions.

Lately I have been reading and hearing more about a work culture that actually scares me. Apparently it is very common in Australia to do unpaid overtime work. What is more scary is how so many people, based on the comments to the article, support this.
I have also been told to take the comments with a truckload of salt; but they are still opinions, and they are many.

Coming from Scandinavia this attitude and behaviour is more or less unheard of now, since decades ago. You are more likely to get pressured to work hard your given hours then to be encouraged to work overtime; because if you work overtime your employer, by law, have to pay you for it.
It is kind of common sense if you ask me. You do a certain amount of work and get paid for it. To me it does not make any sense at all to do a certain amount of work and just get paid for some of it.

That is kind of like buying a book at a bookstore and just get half the book, because the store did not feel like giving you the whole book. Of course, you can get rest of the book, if you pay a bit extra for it.

I really hope Lizzie still wants to go back to Europe when we both finish our degrees; because I can not work in a society that is this far behind with worker’s rights.
This is probably why I already have two “failed” employments here, because I spoke up for myself and demanded to be treated with respect.

If that is not enough, youngsters in Australia are too afraid to go outside because of fear of violence. That is honestly just sad if you ask me. How is this possible? Who can we blame?
I have noticed that the media in Australia are extremely good at being very dramatic about certain things; but I still do not want to only blame the scaremongering from the media.

This is probably isolated in Australia. You will for sure find similar fears around the world, just in different shapes and forms. We have become a very scared planet the last decades or so. The news are filled with horrible things 24/7. We laugh when the news actually report about something positive and say it is not news worthy.
It does not help of course that we promote binge drinking and violence as something fun.

I know I might seem a bit pessimistic about Australia, but I am not. The few I know here personally are great people. Even if I find the sun to be a bit too much (I want more rain!!!!) I like the weather. I am really fascinated by the nature and the wildlife here.
If  you know me well enough you know where I am coming from, but if you do not know me that well or that you are new to my blog, I will try to explain my writing style in one short paragraph.

I write honestly what I feel when my fingers touch the keys on my keyboard. It is not just my honest (mostly) subjective opinions, it is also uncensored observations; without the feeling of need to please anyone.
If you still have problems understanding my writing; and that you still I am a negative prick who should move back to Norway and become a hermit, I suggest you look up the following words in a dictionary:
- Honest
- Subjective
- Opinion
- Observation

Have a good one!

For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

2 Timothy 1:7

So, former White House Press Secretary Dana Perino — you remember her, right? Bush administration Kool-Aid junkie? Well, I guess she’s forgotten all about 9/11. Because she was on Fox News recently, distressed that they weren’t calling the Ft. Hood shooting a terrorist attack, and she actually said that there were no terrorist attacks during the Bush administration.

I know. Mind boggling.

Amazingly, it appears her amnesia is some new contagious type, because Sean Hannity doesn’t bother to correct her assertion that “We did not have a terrorist attack on our country during President Bush’s term.” Guess he forgot about 9/11, too.

Sad, very sad. I hope they get help for that. I wonder what kind of health insurance they have?

On a completely unrelated note, sorry I haven’t been around lately. I’ve been doing NaNoWriMo, and that’s taking a lot of my time. I’m probably going to do some posts in the near future, though.

Next week. After NaNoWriMo ends.

-jane doe

I think the theme for my week has been avoidance. Maybe it has been my theme for more than a week…but I’ve noticed it a lot this week.

99% of my conversations this week have consisted of the:

person: what’s up?

me: nothing much, you?

Big Fat Lie right there. Maybe nothing much is up. But that’s because everything is down.

Sure, everyone doesn’t need to know every dirty speck in my life. But I don’t want to be a liar. I don’t want to be two-faced. It’s hard to be broken on the inside and look good on the outside. And i don’t want to be fake. thus the extreme tension.

But this avoidance thing hasn’t just manifested itself in my everyday acquaintance relationships. I see it in my relationships with people i genuinely trust. The people I trust to share in what i’m going through with. I’ve been avoiding their prodding. Their questions. Them. The hard conversations I need to have with them.

I am a scared-y-cat.  But I don’t want to run away from Truth. I don’t want to run from reality. I don’t want to be two-faced. I don’t want to wear a mask.

I want to be me. But I’m not sure how to be me when I can’t really tell the world what’s going on in my life.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

I want to live in His power, love, and discipline. I don’t want to run from the truth. I don’t want to run from Him. He is truth.

Jesus is the Truth and He tells us the truth.

I want to be Christ-like.

What are you running from?

Trying to drive in the right direction,

coop

Amore mio, non so nemmeno da dove partire..sono ancora sconvolta da ciò che mi è accaduto. Non preoccuparti, tanto per cambiare è intangibile, ma ciò non gli impedisce di trafiggermi comunque come una lama.
Eravamo io e la Sarah in sala, guardavamo il film, Nemico Pubblico, tra gli spari e i morti, e alle nostre spalle si sente aprirsi la porta d’ingresso. Ci voltiamo sentendo tre ragazzi parlare e dire ad un volume di voce normale, quotidiano…”guarda queste persone”, il tono disgustato. I ragazzi quindi si dividono, mani in tasca, uno alla nostra destra, due alla nostra sinistra, abbassano di poco la voce ma continuano a parlarsi da parte a parte delle file. Un pò si guardano tra di loro, un pò guardano il pubblico, il ragazzo a destra alza il labbro, e gli leggo in faccia lo schifo. Comincio a sentirmi il sangue che si ritira dalle vene, mi coglie una sensazione improvvisamente. Penso ” ora ci uccidono tutti “. Sento, vivo la Columbine, penso alle storie di cronaca, ci sono dentro completamente, non “im-” ma “som-”mersa. Stanno li un cinque minuti, mi sembra il tempo più lungo della mia vita, provo a parlare con Sarah, sento che per quante parole possa dire, non sarebbero abbastanza, penserebbero che sono pazza, paranoica, e anche se così non fosse, io non potrei comunque fermarli. Dallo schermo solo rumori di spari, se ci ammazzassero con un revolver non li sentirebbe nessuno, basterebbe un cazzo di silenziatore.
Ma cosa ti viene in mente? provo a rassicurarmi, non mi riesce. Alla fine io sono qui, stasera, che nemmeno dovevo uscire di casa, sono qui con Sarah, e guardavamo il film in sala, ora guardo la realtà, più forte, anzi troppo. Può essere la mia morte questo luogo e io non dovevo nemmeno trovarmi qui.
I ragazzi cominciano ad uscire dopo aver osservato ovunque. Dico a Sarah dell’ansia che mi assale..mi dice tranquilla, che anche a lei hanno messo ansia ma che non è nulla di grave. E io non mi calmo. Loro sono fuori, hanno visto quanti siamo e ci aspettano fuori, aspettano che finisca il film. Alla fine della pellicola sto seduta e ferma, mi dico, lascio che escano gli altri..tanto se devono sparare sparano ai primi che escono, e, se dovessi sentire che aprono il fuoco su di loro, mi accascio a terra e non mi muovo, fingo di essere morta, non c’è problema, aspetto anche dei giorni, non mi muovo finchè non mi trovano, finchè non mi vengono a prendere, finchè non sento che del pericolo non rimane nemmeno il pensiero.
Ma io non posso morire adesso, ho troppe cose nella testa, non posso lasciare le persone che ci sono qui. Vorrei morissero le persone che amo al posto mio, rifletto, perchè mi fa più male il pensiero che loro soffrano a causa mia (penso alla morte delle persone che amo, a come vivrei se succedesse – cazzo Giorgia, succederà, oddio), che il pensiero di soffrire io per la loro perdita, il dolore più grande. Allora continuo, meglio: provo a ricominciare a guardare il film ma sento che loro fuori ci aspettano, che sta per scoppiare il finimondo.
Cioè…
alla fine io sono qui, una vita incredibile, fortunata, e non concepisco in questo bel momento la possibilità che una persona disperata compia un gesto distruttivo. Perchè poi? il mio mondo sono io e nel mio mondo è un bel periodo, c’è un bel sole, perchè cazzo dovrebbe cadere un albero come in un tornado se c’è una giornata senza vento e di sole pieno? Ed è allora che esco dal mio corpo, in un secondo sono un’altra persona che ha dentro di sè un rogo ed è lì, in piedi accanto a me, che mi guarda e vuole uccidermi perchè gli faccio schifo, perchè in quel momento non ha più un’anima, non ha più un domani, non ha più niente e vuole distruggersi e vuole distruggermi per una ragione, senza alcuna ragione. Solo distruzione. E da quel corpo mi guardo seduta, una ragazza carina, bella vita, bella testa, tutto ok. Rientro dentro il mio corpo sullo schienale e subito avverto una sensazione: è quella di una persona con puntata addosso la morte. Mi scattano una fotografia da fuori: “ragazzo guarda negli occhi giovane ragazza al cinema”, media offline, “giovane ragazza sul punto di morire osserva il suo carnefice, che restituisce lo sguardo”. E accade tutto senza un’immagine, senza una prova che esista, ma esiste, io sono lì: testimone, sono lì: vittima, e muoio al pensiero di morire.
Lui però non mi sta guardando, è fuori dalla sala, fuori dalla porta, dentro la mia mente, non importa. Fingerò di essere morta, e così sopravviverò. Ma conosco la mia condizione, morirei comunque anche se dovessi continuare a vivere. Il fisico è un dettaglio irrilevante. Respiro a fatica. Panico panico panico panico, tutto sta cambiando e nessuno lo vede, la compostezza del pubblico mi disarma fuori, mi sconvolge dentro, ma non mi alzo, peggiorerei la situazione, e poi…impazzirei.
Aspetto inerme l’ora della verità.
Posso scrivere questa lettera perchè sono viva, ma il motivo per cui la scrivo è che sono morta.

G.B.