There are fears several nurseries and pre-schools could close under plans to increase minimum qualifications…. From BBC News. Full story

This site may contain information about: teachings. For a different topic see crowd level. The blog is also related to: finance.

Back about the time when Sam and his posse had been in the cave, Matthew had been back in Bedlam defying the urge to sleep. Since it was a Saturday night, he’d allowed himself to stay up a bit later than usual. His wife and his boy had gone on to bed without him.  To stay awake and keep warm, he’d kept himself busy by tending to the fire in their stove. It was blazing away at full strength, and it lit up the room fairly well. This enabled Matt to take to the task of cleaning his rifle. He’d planned on going hunting the next morning, but the storm had caused him to reconsider that idea. He dearly wished it would move on.

There was also something else rummaging about in the back of Matt’s mind, and that was Sam and his posse. In his estimation, he didn’t think they’d be back that night, but he couldn’t be resolutely sure. That made him a shade anxious, and he’d been peering out his windows on and off all evening long. It was simply a nervous reaction. For sure, he was hoping they would catch the murderer eventually. If there was to be another hanging in Bedlam, he didn’t want to miss it for anything. He’d only seen one since they’d lived there, but that was from afar. He thought he’d like to have a close-up view someday, just so he could brag about having had the experience. All the better, too, if the hanging involved this particular killer. Someday the man would be famous, for it was such a vicious crime. The story would be told for years to come. Matt certainly wished to be a party to it’s history. In that respect, he was a voyeuristic storyteller. He didn’t see himself as a fearmonger. He told his tales for the express purpose of entertaining others, not because he wished to scare people away.

By the time that Matt had finished the readying of his rifle, the stove had cooled off, and it’s light had grown dim. He decided to get the fire going one last time, and then he’d hit the hay. On the way to his back door, he once again looked out his window in the direction of the graveyard, but he couldn’t see very well because of the rain. Matt owned the last house on the left as you made your way south out of Bedlam. The hanging tree stood on the other side of the street. It was a block or so further on down the road from his place. Matt didn’t believe the tree was haunted, nor did he believe in ghosts. Nevertheless, he kept an eye out for them, especially at night. In this regard, he was like most people. If there were such a thing as ghosts, then for sure he’d like to have seen one. Not up close, mind you, but a ways away, a very safe distance away.

Matt bundled up in his coat, put on his hat, and grabbed his gloves before going out the back door. Much worse was this storm from what he had previously forecast. He’d been expecting snow, rather than rain under those freezing conditions. Earlier that afternoon he’d covered his stack of logs with a large piece of cowhide, in order to keep the wood good and dry. By this time, a thin sheet of ice lay atop the cover. Matt pulled up a corner, and grabbed as much as he could hold, before covering it back up. As he began his return back to the cozy comforts of home, he looked around at the few remaining occupied houses. They were emitting no light. He thought, “This town is dead.” Matt was longing for the good ol’ days when Saturday nights used to bring a change of pace, and a little excitement. He badly wanted to move to the new town because that’s where good things were happening, except for last night, of course, but he figured that was a once in a lifetime event, and everything would soon be back to normal up there.

Matt was halfway to the door when he heard his old hound dog howling inside the house. “Damn dog!” he thought. “He’s going to wake everyone up.” As if the dog could hear him, he spoke out loud, “There’s no one out here but me, ya stupid dog.” Matt was wrong, for just as soon as he’d finished speaking, the silent night brought him a surprise. It was a sound so startling that he dropped his armload of firewood to the ground, and froze in his steps. This unmistakable sound was the high-pitched whinny of a horse expressing it’s fear, and it was coming from the direction of the graveyard. Matt shuddered in his tracks, and felt his heart begin to race. “Who’s that?” he thought quietly to himself. Then he broke his own rule for a change, and let his curiosity get the best of him. Instead of picking up the firewood, he left it there to lay in the rain, and crept his way towards the back of house. “It must be Sam and his men,” he thought. “At least…oh, God, I hope it is,” he said to himself after considering the alternatives. “But, why the heck are they back so soon? They couldn’t have caught him already. Could they?”

In order for Matt to be able to see the graveyard, he had to look around the corner on the east side of his house. With his left hand gripping the edge, and his right palm against the wall, he braced himself, and leaned his head out to take a look. As soon as he had a complete view of the tree and the graveyard, he stopped moving, and held his ground. As far as he could tell, no one was there. He was sure of what he’d heard, so he paused and waited. He didn’t have to wait long. Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, and coming from the far-side of the graveyard, Matt caught sight of a mysteriously slow moving object. It was a vague, sinister-looking shadowy figure on a tall, dark horse. Matt waited in alarm for another figure, or two, to appear from behind, but none were forthcoming. There was only one, single rider. That dreadful fact alone had Matt quaking in his boots, and it gave him the willies just to think about who it might be. The freezing rain continued to fall from the blackened sky, and the cold wind was causing shivers to run up and down his spine. He stood spellbound in disbelief as the horse coursed around each encountered tombstone, and continued to carry it’s master through the foreboding graveyard.

Their indistinct shapes were beginning to take form as they neared the hanging tree. The old oak seemed to be cloaked in gloom on that night, or so it appeared to Matt. Once they were under the furthermost reaches of it’s branches, the horse brought it’s rider to an abrupt halt. It reared up off the ground, and voiced another neigh. Upon landing, it shook it’s head and mane, and snorted loudly in a show of disgust. Small clouds of hot, steamy breathe came rolling out of it’s nostrils. The wisps of warmed air rose up into the cold night sky, and quickly vanished. Matt couldn’t believe what he was seeing. It bore an awfully close resemblance to the ominous scene he’d pictured the day before on his ride back home. The man got off his horse, and led it by the reins until they were under the lowest limb. A moment later, Matt remembered that Sam had dropped a rope on the ground at that very spot. From the looks of it, the man was dressed in black from head to toe. By then, Matt was able to see the man was wearing a wide-brimmed hat, and it reminded him of the description Luke gave of the dangerous, wanted murderer. That memory was enough to arouse his worst fears. It was more than enough to frighten Matt into a mode of panic, an excruciating emotion which, to him, had hitherto been unknown. Never before had he felt so terrified. Never before had he been scared stiff, and it took his breathe away.

So, this is it.

Tonight, I fly to Germany, and everything that I’m about to experience there, I will experience on my own. (Well, with my friends too, but you get what I mean)

It’s not that I don’t want to go there. But my excitement and anticipation for this trip is also mixed with feelings of fear and a bit of anxiety. Yes I still fear homesickness, I still fear that I can’t cope with it. Above all, I fear that I may have overestimated my own abilities to deal with it properly, even at this age.

I know, I know. “Still pulling this i-hate-camp lark again?”, you ask me. Maybe yes, maybe no. Some elements of it feel the same, the worry of it and the trying to pre empt it but failure to properly do so because of paranoia. But the intesity of worry is different this time. It’s not taking over my mind as much as it used to, I manage to push the thought away more successfully than I did in the past. And this time, to counter the paranoia, I teach myself to be realistic and not think of extremes, which is what most people would call optimism. It’s not that I wasn’t optimistic last time, but optimism for me used to mean anticipating things that were too good to be true, in other words, thinking to the other extreme. And of course, what do you get when you keep your hopes too high? You’re met with crushing disappointment after.

I cannot help comparing this trip to previous experiences that I shall not name, but you guys probably know what anyway. I know most people liked it, but truth was, it was utter hell for me. Try crying through the first day because you’re homesick and yet cannot do anything to distract yourself from the feeling. Homesickness worsens when you’re bored. And I WAS bored. We had activities, but not the type that would distract me. As I’ve mentioned before, I need things to be mentally stimulating, not physically strenuous. Everything there was just boring and meaningless for me and I had no desire to remain in that place either. In fact, I would say that stoning and daydreaming definitely makes the time pass faster than any of those stupid cheering “team bonding” activities they made us participate in.

I don’t actually know how to justify myself further, that that experience was so traumatising it’s still affecting my decisions now, because so much of it was due to feelings evoked by the experience that I couldn’t control or cope with. And since feelings are so irrational, whatever I say now will not make any sense to you anyway. Whatever became of coming out of a difficult situation a stronger person? I felt more of a coward and a weakling, and all the courage I had before immediately ceased to exist, or so I thought. That’s why I’m giving it one last final shot. I’m putting one of my greatest fears with something I truly love to see if it turns out any better. And because I’m such a sucker, I’m still holding on to every last strand of hope that I have. 

I’ve been doing everything I could to prepare myself for homesickness. And along the way, I’ve found out that people get homesick yes, but they still enjoy what they do, so maybe it really REALLY depends on the context and circumstance, and also the people you’re with. I certainly hope it’s true.

Thanks Xinlin:

“The truth is that this trip’s really going to be loads different from oac!”

                    — Xinlin (During an MSN conversation)

1. Identify your users’ stories

As I studied users’ thoughts, I found patterns in what my project was really designed to do, above and beyond what the project brief said. I listened to what my mind was drawn to listen to. These were the users’ stories — what was most important in their working lives.

There are no right or wrong answers in listening. Be honest with your users that you’re there to add value to the way they work and their stories – needs, expectations, attitudes and capabilities – will become clear.

2. Embrace your users’ needs

Once I am aware of users’ needs, it is far easier to design according to them. When faced with a decision, I can compare it to their values by documentation as personas, and see it will bring me closer to a solution that is fit for them, rather than what is easiest for the project team to produce.

3. Accept expanding feature sets

A ZenAgile mind does not struggle. It accepts users’ needs as they truly are. A rock is a rock. It will remain that way no matter how much you worry, wish, or pressure it into changing. Worrying about requirements and ever expanding user wants are the same way. I accept requirements for what they are, do not waste time or energy fretting over it, and group them into feature sets for delivery in such a way that, as a whole, they add value to users’ work.

4. Energise for change

A ZenAgile mind can give you extra energy for change as you are not wasting energy fighting against the inevitable. As above, there is a large rock in your way. You have three options:

• run into the rock repeatedly
• agonize about the rock being in the way, or
• find a way around the rock.

Before ZenAgile, I chose the first two options. With ZenAgile, I now accept the rock for what it is: an obstacle. I accept that you cannot go through it. I do not panic, and waste time and energy worrying about the obstacle. Instead I make my own path around the obstacle, either over the rock, around the rock, or under the rock.

This is Seijaku (静寂) — the energised calm.

5. Enhance knowledge of yourself

As I practice ZenAgile, I spend a fair amount of time in conversation with others and thereby understanding myself and how I come to terms with change: change in the project context, changes in requirements, and changes that need to occur to the solution.

In time, I’ve learned to quiet my mind. I’ve listened to the same fears for projects repeating themselves which inspired me to change what was causing those fears. I’ve realised, for example, that lack of a user-centred approach was a large source of anxiety, and so it was time for a change. Without time to think and meditate on the conversations in a project, we tend to ignore what our mind is telling us, and remain locked into our old patterns of doing things.

6. Gain confidence in the agile way

As you reflect on your inner self, you become conscious of who you really are, your role, and the skills you bring to aspects of the agile project. You learn what makes you happy, what is beneficial to your project, and where you fit into the multidisciplinary team. You bypass the fears and anxieties of your mind, what role you play — Business Analyst, Project Manager, Information Architecture, User Experience Designer, Change Manager — and focus on doing what needs to be done. Boldly and passionately complete the iteration. The opinions of traditional organisations like PMI, IIBA, ABAA, etc, do not matter, because you know you are doing what is right.

7. Appreciate the iterative project lifecycle

I accept the project as it truly is – evolutionary in nature, rather than revolutionary. You will always uncover new aspects of users’ needs. You will always uncover the unknown as you proceed boldly through the project. Some will be surprises like a starry evening, a stroll by the river, or a night of solitude. Each will have their own unique characteristics to be appreciated. Mundane user needs also hold their own charm. Observing the quiet details of the project lends value to the less appealing aspects, and brings peace and joy in commonplace tasks.

8. Increase consideration for others

Each person on the project is interconnected. We are all searching for the solution, requirements, and a meaningful project to work on. It is much harder to be angry at the user who argues with you about scope when you realise they are on the same path, just at a different point in their journey.

9. Simplify your project and your documentation

Conversation not documentation helps you differentiate between needs and wants. To document things completely today is to suggest that it will fix users and their workplace in time until the project has been completed. By focussing, instead, on a minimalist, simple project solution delivered in a short period of time, with just enough documentation to describe the decisions made, you are able to deliver value to people now and then build upon that solution to meet their future needs.

This is Kanso (簡素) — simplicity and elimination of clutter from the project

10. Cultivate a giving spirit by mentoring others in the team

When you are doing your role in the best way you can, your heart fills with joy. You are doing what you were put on this earth to do, and doing it to the best of your ability. Your life is simple, you are living your values, and you have a clear mind. You can then give to others, mentoring and teaching with a loving spirit, to help them along their path.

This is the True Way of ZenAgile

M

First off, I am really sorry I didn’t write sooner…..I’ve missed not being here with you and tapping out my thoughts.  It’s funny how in such a short time this blogging thing seems so normal, and comfortable, and well……..needed.  I’ve not even had the opporunity to check out how you all are doing , I want to catch up on your progress ( I feel like I’ve let you down, crazy huh?) 

So the last two days my sister was visiting from London and I have had such a beautiful time with her.  Our relationship is very loving and close, so I spent most of the time cuddled up to her having chats and spilling my guts out.  She is a tremendous support to me and that old adage that a problem shared is a problem halved is definitely true.  I updated her on all the business stuff and the general struggles on that end, and of course we talked babies (and lack thereof!)  In fact, one of the reasons she visited was because it was the 25th of November last year that our little boy Robin was born, but sadly not alive.

It’s hard to talk about it even after a year, but I feel able to share now.  I guess it is something I put away in a box inside my heart, and every now and again when I am lying in bed unable to sleep (that happens a lot these days) I take it out and think about it.  I can’t think about all of the details too often, thats just too hard for every day. But every now and then, I want to think about it, and run through it in my mind, and feel the feelings.  Thats important to me.

I was really excited to go to the doctor that day.  When you are pregnant, every visit to the doctor  feels like a milestone reached.  I checked out baby development sites every single day of my pregnancy, I knew when I went from a tiny limba bean to a small lime, and then on to an avocado, exciting times!  And so, it felt like another big step, another day closer to my due date and a very exciting longed for visit to my GP.  Week 18 feels like you are really making progress, nearly half way, definite bump started, lots of thrilling symptoms to look up on google and a myriad of questions for the doctor. I had already seen the cutest scan at 12 weeks and was blown away by the tiny, perfectly shaped baby dancing in my tummy.  I was quite giddy walking in the door of the doctor’s office  and positively hopped up on the bed for my blood pressure and other routine checks.  When she took out the doppler to listen to the babies heart I can honestly say it never even crossed my mind that there could be a problem.  Well, she tried for ages, and ages, and then her partner tried, and still nothing.  Now I was worried, my voice was choking, I could feel the panic rising.  They did their best to reassure me, keep control of the situation, but all the same let’s get you to the clinic for a scan to make sure everything is ok.  And of course it wasn’t.  No bouncing kicking baby, no arms flailing,  but instead a very still, quiet little bundle.  That scan was utterly devastating, I will never forget the pain I felt when I looked at that screen and knew instantly that it was all over. 

And then the hospital stay.  Induction.  Labour.  Lots of drugs (whats the point they said in suffering any pain when we know the outcome).  Delivery of Robin after 14 hours.  A perfect tiny baby.  Placenta delivery.  No infection or other issues, therefore no D&C needed…….thanks God no anaesthetic required.   Three days in hospital.  Beautiful blessing from the chaplain.  Tiny white coffin.  Burial.  Home.  Alone.  No baby.

And honestly, since the day that happened a year ago yesterday, I have felt like a piece of crap.  I am always wondering why.  I am always wishing we had our baby.  I am always worried it won’t happen again.  And if someone had told me this time last year that we would still have no baby…..I’d have been devastated.  We tried straight away.  I had this really strong urge to get pregnant again.  And we tried again, and again and again.  And then in August we went to our Consultant and here we are now.

Life is really cruel sometimes. 

And now,  at 5 days past ovulation I feel really pregnant.   And despite the fact that I know it is just the drugs at this stage, I am really hoping and praying that I am.  And despite how hard I try to be strong, I shall be really crushed if I am not. Sigh.

Gimme a break God.  Ok?

I’m horrified by the source of this quote.  I mean absolutely horrified. So much so I refuse to quote it’s source, you’ll just have to look it up. But today, it works:

“I know it seems hard sometimes but remember one thing. Through every dark night, theres a bright day after that. So no matter how hard it gets, stick your chest out, keep your head up…. and handle it.”

If I was making an attempt at being intellectual, I might have instead called this post, Aequam memento rebus in arduis servare mentem – (Remember when life’s path is steep to keep your mind even). It’s just today, words need to be as they are, no pretence, just what they are.

I’ve spent the day at the less enjoyable job. I wonder if today I have actually made a difference. Interviewing people today, I have seen several people who had already been drainking pre-lunch (to the point of making my eyes water), people who’s hope of finding work has all but vanished and one person who has not lost hope, but gave me a sharp shock back to remembering that teaching can knock you off your feet. We were discussing child protection, a major part of one of the courses I teach, by opening up this subject it became the catalyst for them to talk about their own experience of disclosure from the child’s perspective. During the discussion, this person’s face changed from the strong adult person to the confused child who was only able to make partial disclosures for fear of hurting those around them. I remembered at that exact moment why being a social worker had been such a tough career choice. I had loved that job, knowing I made a difference daily, but the pain that I felt knowing what children were dealing with was just too much once I became a mother (tbh, even before that I would come home in tears daily knowing that I had walked away from kids that needed help that I couldn’t offer). I theoretically knew that as a teacher disclosures were possible, but when working with adults you tend to think about it less. The situation which this person described was one a child should never have to live through and has left me very grateful for my sheltered childhood. Yes, I played big boys games before I really understood what they meant, but that was partially me rebelling and being led astray outside the home. Not the same. Nowhere near. 

So I’m left in this weird numb state. I came home and couldn’t talk about it. There’s something that I need to get closure on, except when I have a moment where someone points out just how pointless my issues are compared to what they could be I feel terrible for finding them so hard to deal with. Then I just fold up like a telescope (thank you Alice).  So, for now I’m capable of screaming lots of words in my head that will come streaming from my fingers on the keyboard, but I’m unable to communicate any of this verbally.

So what issues is it at all possible to not have covered in the masses of posts I’ve done? Well nothing actually. And that’s what’s so frustrating. It’s no longer a disclosure for me, it’s become picking to pieces the things that bother me most. Like daily whining about my useless uterus (in fact I may just call it that from now… ), the general longing for it to work rather than require donantion and medical coaxing out of  my eggs. And for those of a nervous disposition look away now, and the magnifying glass to this whole thing still all boils down to me having locked away things for such a long time, and working on the basis that having disclosed everything in the blog (going back a year) everything should have found closure. Except it hasn’t really. Probably because once I’d said it, I put it all back neatly in it’s box to rot when in fact I probably hould have thrown some dettol on it. I am aware at this point I’m totally beating around the bush and no-one actually knows what I’m talking about. I’m not so good at getting this nasty little skeleton out of the closet – it bites. I think what has been getting to me is the question, how is it that I’m ok with the whole sex thing (more than ok if we’re being honest here) having experienced the less nice side of it? The ex, the revolting excuse for a man that I’ve mentioned before, I’ve used the big R word here too. Combine the two and that’s where I’m going with this. Nasty period of time in my life and therein followed some serious body issues. To this day I am utterly convinced of my uselessness in that department (despite evidence to the contrary), I remember being informed of my uselessness, I believe the term ’sack of potatoes’ was used, with hindsight having said no before then not being totally happy with the whole act happening in the first place probably didn’t help. So now, in the moment is very very different. However, there are occasions when I continue to wonder if he had a point which is a dangerous road to walk down.

So there, weird stuff in my head. Other people have it far worse, but for tonight I am null. Blank girl.

Hi There Everyone,

Great News I now have an official Facebook Fan Page!

Simply search for “Ashleigh Alexandra Louise Smith” on Facebook and Join my Fan Page today as that is where
photo’s and Video’s and News is being posted more regulary than at this blog.

So my advice is to join my facebook fan page and keep checking back here on a regular basis as the plan is to release
some exclusive photo’s and videos via this blog every now and again which will not appear on my facebook fan page and
then also put some stuff on Facebook which won’t appear here!

As you can see in the above video I sleep very well even when in noisy room’s, indeed
I reckon I could sleep through an earthquake I take after daddy like that : ) !

To finish for today here’s a quick video clip which daddy made by accident when he
was trying to take a picture of me on his mobile phone..

So Remeber to go to Facebook and search for “Ashleigh Alexandra Louise Smith” in the Manchester Network (England)
and join my Fanpage today!

Keep checking back as I have some important and amazing news coming very soon!

Hugs

Ashleigh

one day you’re gonna wake up
and realise i’m not who you thought i was
one day you’re gonna wake up
and realise you’re worthy of more than that

one day you’ll have had enough
tired of the fighting and bickering
one day you’ll have had enough
tired of being the only grown up

one day you’ll be exhausted
tired from trying to convince me it’s not true
one day you’ll be exhausted
worn out from trying to fill the void

one day you’re gonna walk out
and close the door behind you
one day you’re gonna walk out
and never look back

one day you’re gonna be gone
and i’ll be left broken
one day you’re gonna be gone
and i’ll go back to being alone

one day i won’t believe the lies
and then maybe we’ll have a chance
one day i won’t believe the lies
but right now, the fear is too huge

“The earnest, heartfelt, continued prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available; dynamic in its working” – James 5:16

“This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God, and I trust Him. For He will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease.” – Psalm 91:2, 3

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. – Ephesians 6:10- 11

“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”- Revelation 21:4

A future shift: toward Respect and Understanding and Peace and Love.

• Makes tremendous power available; While reading James 5:16 we find that the Power of Prayer is a powerful reality. Prayers of truth are both a cleansing of the mind and a centering of what is human.
• The LORD – Psalm 91:4: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety. Through our prayers we find both a mental and spiritual refuge and a place to listen to Jesus, our Prince of Peace and our Savior.
• In reading…Ephesians 6:10- 11; We discover that we, as a civilization, are not born on this planet to fight and kill and destroy one another. Our Prince of Peace and our Savior, died upon the wicked cross of man. He died to save us all, from murder on this world and to salvage what we leave behind. Believe in Jesus and we are saved…

And from – Revelation 21:4 we will find that God will bring peace along with no tears, no sorrow, no death and….In our Savior’s name…Amen

Leading Chinese shares slump 3.6% as uncertainty grips investors ahead of a key government economic meeting…. From BBC News. Full story

This site may contain information about: shanghi china. The blog is also related to: china man.

The last picture of Ben, taken just 2 weeks ago:

Sorry for the post yesterday…I was so shocked I didn’t realize what I was doing. After sitting with another good friend until late last night, and speaking about Ben with each other for hours, we both understood that although WE are terribly sad and still find it hard to believe that we will no longer see Ben or hear his laughter or silly jokes, Ben is probably very happy and even pleased with himself! First of all, his wife, Mary Cruz was killed just 2 years ago in Mexico in the same way. Instead of a motorbike, she was riding a bicycle, but was also hit by a truck and killed. He missed her terribly and spoke to me about her often and his great love for her, and so now I know they are together and that is lovely.
In addition, for the past 1 1/2 years he has been speaking about his fear of biking in India. He has biked for years all over the world but could not get over his fear of getting on a bike in India. If you remember, we were supposed to take a bike ride to MUssoorie but it did not work out in the end. Well, just yesterday morning, I saw him sitting at a nearby guesthouse and went over to say good morning on my way down to panchakarma. I hadn’t seen him in several days, and he had just celebrated his 44th birthday two days before. Well, he wasw all excited, like a little kid, and extremely proud of himself when he told me he had finally rented a bike and made the trip up and back to mussoorie. He was so excited that he had finally overcome this fear and couldn’t stop smiling. He showed me the bike and said he could now think of returning it as he had done what he needed to do.
And then he went into rishikesh, with another guy on the back, and was hit by a truck. The other guy just has a nasty cut on his leg!
It was a difficult afternoon, but I am doing well now, and there are so many people who know Ben here, that it is just nice to be able reminisce and everyone only remembers wonderful things about him (even though he could be a real pain in the ass sometimes). On his birthday, he went downtown and distributed school supplies to needy children. Even got written up in the paper with his picture which I’m sure made him also very happy.
He lived his life fully, with very few regrets and did just about everything he felt he wanted to do…so he was blessed
I’ll miss him but I’m happy for him
And this is of course, an extremely powerful lesson in why each and every day is so important…why we must live each day to the fullest, not go to sleep at night without expressing our gratitude for all the blessings of the day, making sure to say all it is we need to say to loved ones and friends…not to go to sleep regretting not having done something that day…and of course to give thanks as well when we wake up again to another wonderful new day.

Namaste
Jane

Happy Thanksgiving!!!  What are you thankful for?

I love men. Men are my life. all i can think about is men lately. i want a man. men think i am weird. men think only of me as a friend. i go after taken men unknowingly. i will never find a man this way.

I wrote yesterday about what I’ve learned from running a marathon and what I hope to improve next time.   And, truthfully, I learned a lot.  But I realized something else much deeper, much more intimate, and I think it’s worth sharing with you, gentle reader.

Here are two things you should know about me: I’m a perfectionist and I’m afraid of failure.   Combine those two personality traits and you get someone who is so afraid of failure that she’d rather not do something than do it and fail.  Now, trust me, I know how nuts this sounds, but I can’t help it.

And, unfortunately, this little personality quirk has quite possibly short changed me.  It’s kept me from doing things when I was younger for fear of failure.  More often than not, I found myself sitting on the sidelines watching my friends have fun, or hearing/reading about their adventures, and wishing all the time that I had the guts to do what they did.

Take my best friend.  When we were in college, Erin traveled to Appalachia, El Salvador, and Ireland for school.  Afterwards, she moved to Montana for a year to do volunteer work.  She also started playing more sports like Ultimate Frisbee, flag football, and rugby.  You know what I did in college?  Went to class, came home, went to work.  Now don’t get me wrong–I got a lot out of college–but I never did cool things like go on Spring Break or take interesting classes.  Part of it was the fact that my major was really intense (double majoring literally left no room for electives), but another part of it was fear.  It was easier and less scary for me to just stay put.

I’ve been purposely working on this aspect of my personality for the last few years.   I started playing Ultimate Frisbee, even though I’ve never played a field sport in my life.  (I don’t think a year of soccer when I was five counts.)  I went to Quebec by myself to study French. I starting running–first Broad Street, the a half, and finally a full marathon.  I signed up for TNT without knowing anyone.  I started eating by myself in restaurants.  I roller skated for the first time in about 16 years.  I did City Chase with my friend Jim this past May.   I started Lady Death Strike in May.

In other words, I purposely put myself in unfamiliar and challenging situations, just to see if I could do them.

And guess what?  I had fun!   In fact, I’ve gone from someone who sits around, wishing that she had the courage to do cool things to being the person who does them.

Am I perfect?  No.  Do I still use qualifiers (i.e. “Yes, I ran the marathon, but I did it very slowly.”)?  Yes?  I think those things will take time.  My point here is that if I can break out of my shell at 29, I’m sure anyone can.  You can teach an old dog new tricks!

I started to reply to another blogger’s post, but it ended up as a blog of my own, so here it is:

Quick comment (ha), although you know I’ll talk to you later anyway.

It does count – and she’ll need feeding night time until she’s happy to sleep through… six weeks, six months or six bloody years depending on who you talk to (take the months as the norm, anyone with a six week old that sleeps through is either lying, a heavy sleeper or has bribed god himself, six years, well let’s just say ‘bitty’).

The crying thing – you see me coping yes? ‘See’ being the word, in my world you are coping so much better than I ever did. You have routine, you get dressed, and so far you haven’t informed your health visitor of the very real possibility of launching your daughter out of the nearest window. In Geek terms, you are uber-mummy. You just don’t see it from the outside…. Going to carry this on as a proper blog… see you there xxx

How you feel is not the mother you are, how you feel is you not meeting your perceptions of motherhood that is tattooed on every pregnant woman’s psyche by bloody stupid baby magazines who inform you that you should be some sort of parenting guru post labour. My own perception of motherhood is some sort of 1940’s housewife (remember little shop of horrors… that thing out the magazine? Plastic covers and everything, although I draw the line at twin beds…) – I thought I should be able to just pop a baby out and carry on being a Monica-esq cleaning machine who had all white terry nappies on a line with my house spotless and ready for visitors at the drop of a hat. Instead, if we’re honest for the first few years the house was a bloody tip, the kids drove me nuts and instead of being met at the door after work by an I love lucy type wife, Mr T was greeted by crazy cat lady. It was soul destroying knowing that I wasn’t able to be the kind of mother I thought I should be.

Then some weirdos got the idea that I was the kind of parent to look up to. Who are these mad people? Are they actually insane? Except my midget’s aren’t so bad. At times they’re actually quite well rounded. And then I figured it out. You don’t actually have to feel like you’re coping to be a good parent, if the kid thinks you’re in charge and people see you looking like you’ve got it all under control, you’re fine. Much like work, 80% blag, 20% panic.

In my head I’m a terrible mother. I’m disorganised, I’m tired, I think about work when I should be at home then promptly burn dinner, I worry about home when I’m working and lose my train of thought mid lecture (which the kids I teach fine hilarious). Life is not about being the ideal we had before it was reality, if it was no-one would stay married, keep a job, or have kids (at least for long). Reality when it comes down to it is staying afloat for long enough for a few friends to see you, pull you out of the water for a short bit of warmth and air, then get chucked back in to tread water for a bit longer. Just remember the friends are circling in the lifeboat and will regularly drag you out the water becuase you do exactly the same for them. In reality we’re all just scrambling for the surface but appear to be swimming to shore.

I am afraid of airplanes. Not just of flying, although that also makes me nervous. I find airplanes themselves to be terrifying. They are too big, there are too many people on them, and there is way too much metal around me. What if all of the air gets sucked out of the cabin while you are in the air? That’s happened you know. The plane just kept flying on autopilot. What if a drink cart escapes and comes crashing down the aisle towards you and the last thing you see is tiny straws whooshing towards your face? If that has never happened I’m sure that it will eventually. What part of trying to cross the ocean while airborne in a giant metal silo sounds like a good idea?

In the days and weeks before my trip to Italy I mentally prepared myself to die. I cleaned my room. I put sticky notes on things I thought my friends would like to have. I wrote down every bad thing I could remember doing and put a sticky note on that requesting that it be derived to a priest who could absolve me of all of it (I am not Catholic but it still seemed like a good idea.) I even took some nice, flattering mirror pictures of my self for my high school to display on every available surface in memory of me.

The crappiest part was I was going to die on my 16^th birthday. What’s fair about that? Not only was I not getting a party, not getting a car, and going to have to be with my family, I was going to have do die in a fiery crash. Not fair.

I got some terrible news today and I can’t stop wanting to cry. The only problem is, I can’t cry. I have a natural reflex that once the tears start rolling, I force them back. No matter what the situation.

Anyway, on with the news. I’ll start at the beginning.

My mum and dad split up when I was about 9 or 10. I lived with my mum and it was just the two of us. Soon afterwards, we got a little puppy Yorkshire Terrier called Jake. He soon grew to be my best friend and my mum’s most loyal partner. He was with us through some very emotional times, scary times and good times. When I moved out a few years back, I did try and persuade my mum to let me keep him, but she didn’t think I’d look after him properly (I think she just didn’t want to part with him)

He’s not been a well dog. When we first got him, the vet said he wouldn’t make it past 2. That was 14 years ago.

A month or so ago, my mum told me he was blind in one eye and had diabetes. Nothing anyone could do, just old age. But he was fine and happy and in no pain.

Then comes the phone call yesterday. He can’t move his back legs. She took him to the vet and the vet said his back and crumbled.

This afternoon, she had him put down. I’m devastated. I can’t stop wanting to cry. I live quite some distance from my mum’s and I so wanted to be there with him at the end, but because my work is run by heartless wankers, I couldn’t get the time off. I never got to say goodbye to my closest and best friend.

I’m here at work, with eyes filled with tears and I want to sob my heart out and try to release some of this pain, but I can’t. I’ve never been able to cry properly. Damn macho bullshit.

I just hope and pray he’s in a better place and he knows how much I love him and I’ll miss him. You’re always in my heart Jakey…..

para kanino pa ba ang mga sinusulat ko?
para kanino pa ba itong pag-ibig na alay ko?
para kanino pa ba ang kantang aking ikinakanta?
para kanino pa ba kaya ako nabubuhay?

ngayong wala ka, dapat pa ba akong umasa?
ngayong wala ka, dapat pa ba akong maghintay?
ngayong wala ka, kaya ko ba maging masaya?
ngayong wala ka, kaya ko pa bang magmahal ng tunay?

ngunit, bakit ngayon, pumapatak ang luha?
ngunit, bakit ngayon, tumatangis ang aking dibdib?
ngunit, bakit ngayon, nanginginig ang aking mga laman?
ngunit, bakit ngayon, wala nang sigla ang aking kaluluwa?

bakit hindi na makuhang tumuwa pang muli?
bakit hindi na maitago ang ramdam kong ikinukubli?
bakit hindi na tumigil yaring luhang tangis ng pusong sawi?
bakit hindi na makaundagaga sa kakadama ng mga atubili?

nasan ka na ba?
ngayo’y tingin ko’y lahat ng pangako’y naglaho!
nasan ka ba?
gayong mga sumpa nati’y nawalan lahat ng bisa!
nasan ka na ba?
ngayong lagapak ang aking katauhan!

bakit mo ko iniwang nag-iisa?
ni hindi na sumulat pa,
ni hindi na tumawag pa.
nakalimutan mo na nga ba?
mga hindi mapalitang tawanan nating dalwa?
mga hindi makalimutang iyakan nating dalwa?
hindi mo na nga ba matandaan?
iyong nadaramang init at tuwa kapag ika’y hinahalikan?
iyong nadaramang saya at galak kapag ika’y hinahagkan?
humuhupay na nga ba?
mga alaala nating dalawa?
ang pag-ibig na ating isinumpang walang wakas?
o iwinala na?
ng bago mong pag-ibig?
o sa simula’t sapul pa lang,
balewala na ang lahat?

sa tingin mo ba’y magiging kaibigan pa?
para sa kin hindi na! tinapos mo na!
hindi na muli maibabalik pa!
dahil sa pagiging magkaibigan
hindi ka na akin!
hindi na kita mahahagkan!
hindi ko na mahahawakan ang mga kamay mo!
hindi ko na malalaro ang buhok mo!
sapagkat hindi ko ugaling magsinungaling sa sarili!
lalo na kapag ukol sayo ang aking nadaramang muli!
wala akong nais ikubli!
tandaan mong ikaw ang susi!
sa puso kong iyong iwinawaksi.

pagkatandaan mo, kapag ka’y umalis
ikaw na ang siyang pumaslang sa dating ako
sa yumaong masayahing nakilala mo, ng lahat
hindi na mababago, sapagkat nakaguhit na ito
sa nagitla kong katauhan na iyo ring inalipusta
sa ngalan ng iyong pag-ibig na iyong winakasan na.

A friend posted the following question on Twitter: What are you afraid of?

It took me two weeks of contemplating how to put it into words.  I’m still not happy with it but here is my answer:

It is the root of all evil.  It is a drug that sedates all aspects of our lives. It tears apart our relationships with our friends, our family, and significant others.  Complacency.  It doesn’t come in pill form, so you won’t know you’re taking it and you won’t realize the moment that you’re addicted.

It happens over time and we are all affected at some level from its grasp.  Look at your own life.  At 8 you probably didn’t hope to be what you are today.  When you first met your significant other it is likely that that fire burnt brighter than it does today.  We set out with high expectations for ourselves and at some point the daily grindstone wears down on us.  Our intentions of global domination have been replaced by our groaning over going to the gym.  What the hell happened to us?

It’s because we get comfortable in our ways, we become complacent.  We wake up, we shower, breakfast?..nope, no time, commute to work, stare at our cubicle walls, check Facebook, lunch yet? nope, keep staring at wall, go to lunch: want to eat healthy, but oh, we’ll start the diet tomorrow….Chipotle!!!, back to work, feel bloated, spend 20 minutes on YouTube, go to meeting #5 for the day, 4:45 comes around…slip out early, go home, eat Hamburger Helper, check Facebook, think about that book that you haven’t picked up in 2 weeks….nah……television, and off to bed.

There is no shortage of monotony in our lives.  The great tragedy is that we allow ourselves to do it….TO OURSELVES.  I have been fortunate in understanding this and when I start to get trapped in the monotony of the daily grind…to put it politely: I go fucking crazy.  I have to get out!  I have to do something.  I call every person on my contact list…”What are you doing? LET’S GO DO SOMETHING!!!…..you’re busy? Okay, I gotta go!  Next week? Yeah, great! Call me, I gotta go!” (this conversation lasts for approximately 5 seconds)…onto next contact.

Being classified as normal scares the hell out of me.  I feel the need to constantly reinvent myself.  Several of my friends have made a game out of it.  It has different names, but the same principal: do something different everyday, something out of your comfort zone, and no matter what happens accept that the end result is…perfect.  It can be something as simple as making funny faces in the mirror, it can be watching a movie that you wouldn’t normally go see, it’s gone as extreme as midnight skinny dipping…whatever it is….do it.  Turn back the tide of complacency.

Maybe for you taking over the world isn’t in your cards….but maybe changing the world is.  Once you start to get out of your comfort zone, (hopefully) you’ll start to realize that you’re not that busy once you start to cut out some of the monotony.  Use your time to change the world.  Volunteer.  It helps change the world and it provides you with warm fuzzies.

If it’s with a significant other, do some of those things that won them over in the first place (I doubt it was eating dinner on the couch while watching television).  If it is rediscovering friends, don’t just write a comment on Facebook, buy season tickets to whatever.  It doesn’t have to be to sports, mine are to the theater, it means that I am committed to seeing my best friend at least once a month.  We get to enjoy something that we would normally find some monotonous excuse to miss.

Getting out of that comfort zone and being aware of the side effects of complacency has helped me to get more out of my life.  I hope that for those of you who took the time to read this, it helps you in some way.

I stop my rant now…thanks for listening and take care of eachother.