I am thankful for my family, however disfunctional we are, we still are one… (Sometimes. :p.)

I am thankful for my dog who makes me laugh and stare in awe because he does something different every day, yet he’s the same. For his quiet compliance through all our bugging him, never complaining, only wanting food :p. You’ve gotta learn from that! Except the food part.

I’m thankful that my finger’s almost fully healed.

I’m glad that I still have a few friends I can rely on.

I’m glad I have such a great future.

I’m glad for the food my mom prepared.

I’m glad I’m going to have the opportunity to travel, hopefully this spring.

I’m glad for my job, which many, many people would be envious during this time.

I’m glad I got ALL my classes!! Despite the budget cuts!

I’m glad for my membership in the ASFC, through which I met many wonderful people.

I’m glad I am a part of Foothill College, a richass school where everyone’s so nice and happy-go-lucky and there are so many international students I can learn from and practice my foreign languages with!!

I’m thankful that I started working out because I’ve been feeling cleaner.

However… I am NOT thankful that this turkey is making me sleepy!! Time to GO!!

Be grateful!!

This year, like most other years, I have a great deal for which to be thankful.  In no particular order:

I’m thankful for my pregnancy which has been, as much as I can tell without anything to which to compare it, smooth and easy.

I’m thankful for my family which is large, healthy and which mostly gets along with each other.  I include my friends in this category as I consider my close friends my family.  So I’m thankful for them, too.

I’m thankful that my husband has gone back to school, loves it and is gaining (in his words) “more mental health.”

I’m thankful that I am employed in a job that I like, if not love. I’m thankful that this job provides us the chance for my husband to be in school and for us to still have a home, food and health insurance.

I’m thankful to have both my parents who are healthy and who love me tons.

I’m thankful for the memories of the people who are no longer with me.  I’m thankful I had them when they were here so that I can remember them now that they’re not.

I’m thankful for my pets, who are endlessly entertaining and a source of unconditional love whenever I need some.

There’s more, I’m sure, but for now the little babe in the belly is kicking and letting me know that I need to move around a bit so she’ll go back to sleep.  And I’m thankful for that, too.

Happy Thanksgiving!

is a damn good virtue to have.

(Class registration, Winter Quarter)

Experiencing the good that is.  We may not see or feel the full range of blessings in our lives, but we can get closer by being receptive and present for each thing that is good, each piece of hope, breath, comfort, and joy, and by allowing that to be enough for now.
“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” Lao-Tzu

Take mental note: As of this minute, on this day, I’m FEELING GOOD (no Muse pun intended… an unintended pun… okay, I’ll stop ^^). Remember this later when feeling bad. ‘Kay, brain?

Do you fritter away time on unimportant things?

What is your time really worth:

- to you?

- to others?

 Do you value yourself highly enough?  Taking into account all that you’ve accumulated throughout your life:

• Your skills
• Your time
• Your experience
• Your knowledge
• Your contacts
• Your achievements

 When you value yourself and your time, others are more likely to recognise the value you’re giving them too, whether it’s at a personal or professional level.

It’s up to us to let others know what we are worth. 

Send out the message that you value yourself and your skills and abilities will be better valued by others.

Having fun and valuing others is a great way to increase appreciation and value for yourself.

Enjoy!

My life seems to be in a constant state of tumultuous highs and bottomless lows, up and down, hot and cold…  There’s never a slight problem it’s always an avalanche.  The last 28 hours have been a prime example of that.

I was laid off 3 months ago from a job I loved.  I filed for unemployment, was accepted and have been very actively looking for a job ever since.  Until yesterday.  Yesterday I received a notice from unemployment that my benefits are terminated, and unless I appeal, I will have to pay back all benefits because my employer is claiming that I quit.

Last evening was a frantic search for any retail stores that might be hiring (note: I detest retail) and plastering my resume on virtual bulliton boards everywhere.  After 3 hours of sleep I got up and scheduled an appointment with a temp agency, continuing my search and phone calls until I had to head into town.  As I was pulling into a parking space at the temp agency my phone rang, someone calling to say they had my received my resume.  When I found out they were only about 2 blocks away I invited myself over for an interview (well, you know what I mean, “Hey, would you like to meet to interview me as soon as I’m done here?”).  They loved me.  The two people I interviewed with said that I was just what they were looking for, they asked for my references and said I’d be hearing from them very shortly.

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good

“Be content with what you have;

rejoice in the way things are.

When you realize there is nothing lacking,

the whole world belongs to you.”

- Tao Te Ching (S. Mitchell’s translation)

Can we really feel complete, satisfied, fully OK when there is so much________in the world?  Each morning I take some time for quiet study and a few minutes of meditation.  This morning, I felt the essence of being completely satisfied in the moment.  Tingly.  Alive.  Calm.  Happy.  That often changes, I may get going on something later like lack in myself, another or in a situation, but for a moment, I know what it feels like, which means I can return there as a practice.

What practices help you find a sense of calm and feel your completeness?

I hate church signs. They almost always express some cheesy albeit esoteric sentiment understood only by those who speak in denominational clichés. My favorite is:  CH _ _ CH   What’s missing? UR! (lol) Yeah, and I’ll probably be missing for quite some time until you can stop embarrassing me in public with your tired wit.

Recently, however, I saw one with true merit. It contained real hope, real optimism. It read Today’s problems are tomorrow’s testimonies. OK, so it’s a little corny as well, but it is true nonetheless.

My past problems are the things which I have overcome and now make up my “victory file.” When I get self-critical, I can remember one of those events and think “I finished that!” or “I did that well!” or “I came through that in one piece!”

Oh yeah, there are failures as well, but I remember them as learning experiences, not as painful losses. I choose to see all of these things as lessons learned, positive outcomes, –victories.

I like victories.

..Flesh and Bone

LNS was this past weekend, and it was freaking amazing. It wasn’t as emotional as retreats have been for me before, but that’s not necessarily bad..Adoration was so beautiful and peaceful. It was great to meet new people, reconnect with old friends, and get closer to current friends. One of the best things was fixing the somewhat broken bond I had with one of my best friends…

Brian Kim from Sungsam gave us a great idea. Mina, Heidi and I did our very first oovoo Rosary! Tell me if you want to join us next week!

Life is good.

È uno di quei successi annunciati, New Moon, uno di quei film da record di incassi prima ancora che siano usciti. È così ogni volta che intorno a un’opera si crea un alone che lo rende qualcosa di più di un semplice film. Così è il caso di soffermarsi sulle ragioni di un successo annunciato.

La prima è quella che in termini commerciali si definirebbe “fidelizzazione”. Tra la saga di Twilight e il suo pubblico si è creato un legame solido e inscindibile che nasce già dai libri. Come Harry Potter,  quella di Twilight è una saga, una serie di libri, che racconta una storia che non si esaurisce, ma prosegue attraverso i vari volumi. I lettori così si sposteranno da un libro all’altro, in modo che ogni libro verrà letto probabilmente più di quello precedente. Come per la saga del maghetto, i libri di Stephanie Meyer creano un mondo, che i lettori vogliono continuare a vivere andando al cinema, per vedere come prenderà forma sullo schermo quello che fino a quel momento era vissuto nella propria immaginazione. Così probabilmente i lettori del libro saranno i più appassionati spettatori del film. E a loro se ne aggiungeranno altri. Rispetto ai titoli della saga di Harry Potter, quella di Twilight potrebbe essere svantaggiata dal fatto che i libri non hanno un nome come comune denominatore (i titoli non iniziano ad esempio con Harry Potter e…), ma dei titoli diversi. Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn (e ne arriverà prima o poi un quinto). Così al cinema i titoli sono stati raccolti sotto il nome The Twilight Saga.

Ma perché una saga abbia successo devono esserci dei contenuti. In questo senso la chiave vincente è stata travestire da horror quello che in fondo è un perfetto romanzo sentimentale. Non a caso in New Moon assistiamo a una serie di battute sul cinema, con Bella che dice di detestare i film romantici, e vorrebbe andare a vedere film d’azione, quasi che il regista volesse prendersi un po’ in giro. Perché New Moon, come Twilight, di horror ha ben poco. Non punta certo a spaventare: pensiamo che uno degli stilemi più spaventosi e spettacolari dei film di licantropi, le transizioni da uomo a uomo-lupo, qui avvengono all’istante, e il “mostro” altri non è che un lupo più grande. Invece il modello della storia di New Moon è uno degli archetipi delle sofferenza amorose, quel Giulietta e Romeo scritto qualche secolo fa da uno dei migliori “sceneggiatori” di tutti i tempi, Sir William Shakespeare, e citato in una delle prime scene del film. Anche qui ci sono due amanti divisi, non dal fatto di appartenere a due famiglie rivali, ma a due “razze” diverse, umani e vampiri (in questo il racconto potrebbe diventare una metafora della difficoltà delle coppie miste di oggi, ma non sembra mai andare in quella direzione). E il finale, in cui Edward, come Romeo, cerca la morte perché crede che la sua Bella, come Giulietta, sia morta, richiama proprio la trama di Shakespeare.

Ispirazioni celebri a parte, la saga di Twilight piace perché spinge all’identificazione. È narrata da un punto di vista prettamente femminile, quello di Bella, e riesce a cogliere molti degli aspetti tipici dell’adolescenza: il non sentirsi capiti, il non avere amici, la tentazione e il rischio di prendere una cattiva strada e di perdersi, il sentirsi diversi da chi ci sta intorno, unici, e il bisogno di ribadire, anche con rabbia, la propria unicità e la propria personalità. Bella, in New Moon, è diversa da tutti. Tra i vampiri della famiglia Cullen è l’unica umana, accettata ma mai fino in fondo, in costante pericolo. Ma è diversa anche tra i suoi simili, avendo varcato ormai una soglia dalla quale non può tornare indietro. E poi in New Moon, dopo l’innamoramento di Twilight, c’è la scoperta del sesso, del corpo, e di quel confine sottile tra amicizia a amore, come si vede nell’avvicinamento di Bella a Jacob. Per questo i film della saga Twilight sono dei film rivolti soprattutto a un pubblico giovane e femminile (e sono piuttosto odiati da quello maschile, vedi la guerra dei sessi scoppiata in rete). Lo dimostra la grande attenzione per pettorali e bicipiti che c’è in New Moon. In questo senso la cornice horror data alla storia (perché di cornice, e niente di più, si tratta) serve ad astrarre sentimenti e situazioni dell’adolescenza dalla realtà, a isolarli e renderli così più evidenti, assoluti. Le storie di Stephanie Meyer riescono, in parte, in quello in cui non riesce Moccia.

Cosa resta dunque dell’horror nella saga di Twilight? Non molto, diciamo una serie di suggestioni che servono a creare un’atmosfera intorno a una storia d’amore e di crescita. Stephanie Meyer prende una serie di figure archetipiche del cinema horror, il vampiro e il licantropo, e le svuota, interessandosi ai sentimenti e ai rapporti tra i personaggi, più che alle peculiarità dei tipi in questione. Succede il contrario di quello che capita spesso al cinema horror, dove le figure mostruose sono il cuore del film, e sono di volta in volta inserite in cornici storiche, sociali o culturali diverse, per tornare comunque prepotentemente al centro. Qui i personaggi sono il centro della storia, e sono essenzialmente caratteri con problemi e reazioni umane: il loro essere mostri è solo un contesto, un contorno, un colore. Ma al centro ci sono sempre le caratteristiche umane del personaggio. Così i vampiri non hanno il problema di non potere vedere la luce, o di uccidere gli umani a tutti i costi. E i licantropi non si trasformano con la luna piena, ma in seguito a emozioni rabbiose. Entrambi non diventano tali perché “non morti”, o morsi da altre creature, ma fanno parte di famiglie in cui tutti sono così. Quanto ai vampiri, assistiamo a una “normalizzazione” estrema della figura del vampiro. I Cullen sono persone normalissime, lontanissime dalla figura agghiacciante del Nosferatu di Murnau o di Herzog, ma anche dal Dracula di Bram Stoker di Coppola, e dai vampiri affascinanti ed eleganti anni Ottanta di Myriam si sveglia a mezzanotte, o dei dandy d’altri tempi di Intervista col vampiro, tratta dai libri di Anne Rice, e portata sullo schermo da Neil Jordan. Per andare incontro al suo pubblico, la saga di Twilight si avvicina a certi prodotti televisivi ai cui codici espressivi è abituato, cioè a serie che hanno sdoganato l’horror come prodotto per tutti, cioè Buffy, Angel e il recente True Blood.

La saga di Twilight è un perfetto esempio di film a target. Il che è interessante anche dal punto di vista commerciale, visto che permette di investire su un pubblico ben preciso. Ne è un esempio l’accattivante colonna sonora assemblando pezzi di gruppi rock, tra l’indie, l’emo e il dark, perfetti per accattivarsi il pubblico giovanile e costruire un’atmosfera oscura attorno al film. Ma, si sa, il rock è universale, e il risultato in questo caso è apprezzabile anche dai non giovanissimi. Tra canzoni dei Death Cab For Cutie, Killers e i nipotini dei Joy Division, The Editors, le cose più interessanti vengono da Thom Yorke, che, senza i suoi Radiohead, canta la sua Hearing Damage su un tappeto elettronico e cupo, che fa risaltare la sua inconfondibile voce, e dai Muse, con I Belong To You, che ripropongono il loro tipico sound con un tocco leggermente retro, vicino alle atmosfere di Feeling Good, la loro cover del pezzo reso famoso da Nina Simone.  

Prendete tutte queste premesse e metteteci quella enorme arma in più che ha il cinema: quella di creare icone e fissarle nell’immaginario in maniera indelebile. Certo, è presto, e probabilmente ingeneroso di parlare di icona, viste le vere icone che ha creato il cinema, per Edward Cullen. Ma rispetto all’aura di culto creata tra le adolescenti dai libri della Meyer, il grande schermo ha aggiunto il volto e il corpo di Robert Pattinson, diventato un vero idolo delle ragazze di tutto il mondo. La saga di Twilight lo mette in scena con un’aria alla James Dean, dimostrando di non volersi togliere nulla in fatto di esempi di ribellione giovanile. Il suo aspetto fisico, unito all’aura romantica del suo personaggio, ha fatto centro nel cuore di molte ragazze. L’attore londinese ha scatenato una mania che, restando nel mondo del cinema, non si vedeva dai tempi del primo Leonardo Di Caprio. In rete e nei negozi si trova qualunque cosa con il volto o il nome di Robert Pattinson, o del suo personaggio, Edward Cullen: magliette, tazzine, ombrelli, cappelli, borse, tende per la doccia e persino le mutande vanno a ruba. Robsessed (cioè obsessed by Rob, ossessionate da Rob) è il titolo di un documentario sull’attore (il dvd si trova in vendita su Amazon). La mania è totale. E come se non bastasse, Pattinson è anche un cantante rock, e tra qualche anno vorrebbe incidere un disco. Chissà come prenderanno le sue ammiratrici la notizia della sua love story. Chi poteva conquistare il cuore del bel Pattinson? Ma ovviamente la sua Bella, l’attrice Kristen Stewart. Dal set l’amore si sarebbe trasferito nella realtà, Edward e Bella si sarebbero impadroniti di Pattinson e la Stewart, facendo innamorare i due. Negli ultimi due mesi i due sono stati spesso fotografati insieme, e i giornali inglesi e americani stanno cavalcando la notizia. Che, diversamente dal solito, non sembra la solita trovata pubblicitaria. Speriamo che il loro amore sia meno tormentato di quello dei due personaggi. E che magari questo riesca a portare nei prossimi film un po’ più di chimica, di passione, di pathos. Cioè un tocco in più di realtà.

(Pubblicato su Movie Sushi)

Without imagination for the sacred in everyday experience, we are destined for a life without soul.  We don’t have to become monks, but we can learn from their example how to bring the monastic spirit, as a color and a flavor, into modern life.  – Tomas Moore

Look for that which inspires your soul today.  What moments, flavors, sights, sounds, smells, feelings, activities, colors, places…

Well last night I slept for more than two consecutive hours! Miracle of all miracles it happened. I was very apprehensive going to bed, but, I did, and I slept good for about 3 hours, until I saw the sun. I laid in bed for a few minutes and the phone rang. It was a wonderful “wake up call” and those are my favorites.

This morning I am feeling much better than I did yesterday. I have a load of things to do before our trip and I need to buckle down and get some things accomplished. Since I want to keep this feeling good mood, I am going to keep on some upbeat music, including but not limited to Nina Simone’s Feeling Good.

Michael Buble did this song and that is the version you hear played most often. I first heard Nina’s version about ten years ago and I really just fell into sync with it. Michael’s version is ok, but when I need some really good feeling good vibes, I go for Nina.

Hope you like it as much as I do:

Why do I always do this to myself? I go into class with partial arrogance and high frustration and when it’s over I feel like I’m missing a part of myself.

I must be going soft.. And I think I’m seriously crushin’ on a couple of people. This doesn’t sound like me, where is this all coming from?

But first..the class.

It went well. I tried an experiment today. I read about gum chewing and it’s relation to keeping one alert for the time being. I tried it out and it blocked some of my fears and anxiety. Maybe most of it, I can’t remember. I feel elated when class began and kind of sad when it ended.

We learned signs for many different occupations. Some of them are kind of crazy because they either look similar to another word or the sign needs to be connected with two or three other signs for one job title.

And I learned how to sign the word “shit” (by accident because some people were misplacing their hands). That was funny. I forgot what word the teacher was explaining. And someone did a downward sign instead of moving their hand towards the ceiling. And the teacher went “No, not that way. That means something completely different”. Then almost at once everyone wanted to know why she was smirking.

So awesome. She taught us “bitch” a few weeks ago for the same reason (telling apart two signs). And of course I find all of this amusing..

But yeah it was fun tonight. And on top of that I felt alert because of some gum. I think I’ll do that for the last two classes. No, I don’t want to think about that right now. I’ve grown close to complete strangers because I’m so used to expecting to see them every Thursday night. I’m sort of close to a husband and wive because we work in groups all the time, the three of us.

I actually expanded a little and talked to someone else tonight. And I made sure I spoke clearly and enunciated to get my point across, instead of talking low and making no eye contact. I guess the gum thing works..I didn’t really feel like myself in a way. I always feel like I’m in the dark with someone or something pressing on my back and shoulders. And being in that class kind of made the feeling disappear while I’m there.

But when I come home.. I just feel as empty as I did when I woke up. I blame this house. So much crap I’ve had to endure here..the memories. It suffocates me. I feel slightly extraverted when I’m away from this house. I appear to be happier, more content with the world. I don’t know what changes exactly, but it’s there.

Maybe I’m not crazy or anything associated with some type of disorder. I’m just..

Anyway, the whole crush thing is weird. Even in my teen years I never really had crushes..I’ve always been kind of robotic in that sense. But I do like three people in my class, but I’ll never do anything about it. Pointless. I’m too into myself right now. That’s pretty much why the relationship I had (if it was one) in March ended. I don’t open up and let people know me.

I didn’t even have a blog at that time, so I must be working on that matter.

In the end, class was good and CSI was awesome. This is my second decent night in a row. Now I’m waiting for something to drop..it always does.

Later.

I love this show!

When I first watched DietTribe last season, I wasn’t sure if I was going to like it.  Something about the contestants’ lack of drive made me feel like the show wasn’t going to be for me.  Still, I watched it, and kept it in my DVR’d shows list.

Am I ever glad I did!  This season the show is really, really good.  Not only are the ladies really motivated (most of the time), but they’re seeing success.  One of the things I like about the premise of this show is that the women who participate still live their normal lives – work, family, etc., all while working out with hottie trainer Jessie 5 times a week.  It’s so much more realistic.  The show also works on the psychology/therapy that’s needed for the contestants to get the most out of their weight loss journey; they meet for weekly therapy sessions with psychologist Stacy Kaiser.

The ladies also have a weight loss goal each time they weigh in, which is every two weeks.  If they make their team goal, they get a fabulous prize, like a day at the spa.  I love that the show is promoting weight loss rewards, because I really do feel that it’s important for us to reward ourselves for our efforts.

This season, in addition to their weight loss goal of losing 50 pounds in 120 days, the ladies have also been challenged to compete in a sprint Triathlon*.  How cool is that?  I’ve actually thought that I would love to train for a sprint Tri at some point in the near future.  It has been really inspirational for me to see these ladies (one of whom is bigger than me and two of whom started out around my weight), show huge progress with each week that passes.  They’re training with the TriDivas, and seeing the cool gear and the fun they have at practices really makes me want to join; unfortunately, they don’t have any groups in my area.  Still, I am very seriously considering OK, I am going to participate in a sprint Tri before my 40th birthday (1 1/2 years left).

*”A sprint tri” refers to the shorter distance: 750m swim, 20km bike,  and 5km run.

If you get a chance, check out the website for the show – there are some interesting meal plans and recipes, the training schedule used on the show, as well as some other great tips and information.  The season finale is this Friday, but I think you can catch up on past episodes online.  I highly recommend this show for inspiration.

What t.v. shows do you like watching for inspiration and motivation?

Music can be an interesting medium. Your goal in a performance is the faithful reproduction, both aural and emotional, of the composer’s internal wishes. Internal, because until you perform it, it’s all in his or her head (or on his or her paper.) Performers and conductors alike, not wishing the performance to be totally cerebral, sometimes use imagery to evoke the feelings and emotions necessary for a truly honest transmission of the writer’s idea. Actors do the same thing.

My daughter, a violinist, was looking over the conductor’s score one evening during a break in rehearsal. There was a point in the piece where the music was to grow very expressive, almost melancholy. Amid all of the other expression marks like crescendos and such, there was, in the margin, a note that said simply: 5:00 on a November evening.

The inscription and its purpose may or may not have escaped my daughter (I don’t recall,) but I do remember how immediate the effect was. I was there. Somewhere on a fall evening, smelling leaves, skies partly cloudy, while overhead birds migrated south, I was swept along with his imagery and could have easily felt it all. It was amazing.

What’s your day? What day did you feel exactly like you wanted to? When was the last day things went your way? Get that experience back firmly in your mind and take advantage of it. If you want to feel like that again, you must feel that way now and as often as possible. Bad feelings attract bad feeling, and the reverse is also true (but you know this, right?) Make an effort to remind yourself that you don’t always feel bad and that things don’t always go wrong. Find those happy days and put the dates on small post-its in places that you will stumble across and smile and feel good again.

Happiness can become habit-forming.

Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

I wasn’t sure exactly what I was going to see on the scale this morning because I’ve been sick and haven’t worked out AT ALL.  I did track every single bite I took, and I stayed within my points.  I did have some high-points days this weekend, but I had them to use.

So…drumroll, please……………….

This week, I lost 2.6 pounds!!! (My feet are in socks because I never made it to that pedicure). I am thrilled with this result!  It’s a really large amount of weight for me.  In fact, I think it’s one of the largest that I’ve seen in a long, long time.  I’m truly hoping that by next week my cough has subsided and I can start working out again after Thanksgiving. Speaking of which, I’m getting really excited.  For the first time ever, I’m going out of town for Thanksgiving.  My uncle recently moved to Michigan, so my parents and I are going to visit him for Thanksgiving!  (LC and her family are going to spend the holiday with her husband’s side).  I’ve never been to Michigan, so I’m looking forward to seeing a new place.  My uncle lives about an hour and half from Chicago, so we’re also going to be able to see Chi-town for a day or so.  So fun!!!  I’m not worried about overeating at Thanksgiving, mostly because I am not a huge fan of traditional Thanksgiving food.  I’m not even sure exactly where we’re eating; all I know is that my uncle made reservations at a local restaurant.  The one thing I do know about next week is that I’m going to get plenty of walking in!  Can’t wait.

Last night I had planned on cooking Scale Warefare’s “Healthified Ham & Cheese Casserole, but I got home too late to make it. (I did pick up all the ingredients I needed, so I’m planning on making the casserole for dinner tonight). Plus, I’m really trying to use the food I have in the fridge and freezer in an effort to waste less food.  Since I had some spicy Italian chicken sausages thawing in the fridge, I decided to make “Italian Stir Fry.”

I used very little olive oil and then sauteed onion, garlic, red & green bell peppers, Portabello mushrooms, and the spicy Italian chicken sausages.  So many yummy veggies and very low cal.  I paired it with some brown rice that I had made last night, and it was a really filling, healthy dinner. Plus, it was super quick!

Over the last couple of weeks I have been sharing about the various transitions going on in my life. Today I want to share a little about my personal transitions.

1. The largest transition was the birth of our new baby boy! Our son was born this past Friday, and it has already transitioned several things in our home. More will come I am sure, as our family continues to transition to having a baby in the house, and a boy at that!

2. The other major transition in my personal life is the GYM!

I know what many of you maybe thinking: “The last thing I want to hear about is another loosing weight or working out”. In reality that is not what I want to talk about.  My goal is to lose weight, and my goals are to be healthier for my 3 children and my beautiful wife! The reason I wanted to share about this transition in my life is because it has begun to transform many of my views about my health, my ability to accomplish my goals, and what I am going to do about it.

You see for years I was frustrated with my health situation, and finally God asked me a life changing question one morning while I was praying about it.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT?” — You see that question can be applied to so many areas of our lives. I realized that for years I complained about it, and talked about it with people, yet I was doing nothing about it!  So the GYM for me has been about doing something about the areas of my life that I was frustrated with, and taking the outcomes into my own hands.

The last thing I wanted to make a statement about is that heading the GYM has made me feel great! I absolutely love the feeling of getting a hard workout in, then showering and getting ready for my day. My attitude is better, my energy is up, and my outlook is a little lighter. The unfortunate result is I find myself being tired earlier in the evening, however that is probably a good thing too!

My excess of energy remains. I’m liking it more and more. Stayed up real late last night watching Heroes and tweezing. Yeah, delightful combo, isn’t it? So the agenda, the agenda…math. This afternoon I’m heading over to SooFoo with my madre. I plan on having a Scooter’s coffee. PARTY!

So uh..*sway* hey, guys. Let’s talk. I know I’ve talked about this before but it’s time to do it again! Feeling good. Optimism. There is this thing called adaptation-level phenomenon which basically says happiness is a coming and going thing because our desires can never be satisfied. As soon as we get something we want we realize we need more. If someone else has something better then our own circumstance, which used to be just fine, is suddenly inadequate.

Enough. Srsly. Contentment is a day by day thing. Choose to be content today. Yeah, maybe there is something you want but that shouldn’t impact today. We have to choose to be happy with our lot in life, we have to choose to be optimistic that if it isn’t the best it will get better with enough hard work and patience. There’s good in every day, good in every circumstance. Sometimes you really have to work at seeing it.  So work on it. Overcome the phenomenon.

I decided not to do it because I’m childish and stupid and a master procrastinator and because I’m all of these things I feel good but tomorrow I know I’m going to regret it and I’ll feel even more stupid and worse than I did before I decided not do it…..ahhhh my mind is a mystery but for now I’m gonna rejoice in my fineness!

The rain is pouring down outside and the thunder is rolling off the nearby mountains and I’m inside my somewhat cold apartment, alone and studying. I’m facing a time of really intense school with a huge load of school work but still I feel OK. My parents’ visit combined with several conversations with family and friend back home has left me feeling pretty content and maybe most of all safe. They haven’t forgotten me and they are looking forward to my homecoming in about two months. One of the most crippling feelings I’ve experienced being abroad is the sense that people back home are moving on with their life without me, which of course they do. However, this doesn’t mean that they are moving away from me or what we have. When I come home a lot will have happened to me and to them but we remain friends, lovers and family.

Today I feel fine.

My closest friend from my support group is THAT girl. You know, the one who had some absolutely odd defying thing happen to her and people talk about her anecdotally like “My best friend’s, husband’s, sister’s cousin…” Yes, I know her.

I met Jill about a year and a half ago at my first support group meeting. She had been trying to get pregnant for a little over two years at that point and there was absolutely no explanation for why they weren’t succeeding. Her willingness to honestly and openly share her feelings about what she was going through and her ability to see the humor in something that, by definition, was anything BUT funny drew me in. While I love all of the girls in my support group, she was the one I was rooting for the most, she was the one I most wanted to see succeed. I could envision her as just the best mom that any child could ever want, and the thought of her not having that opportunity broke my heart.

As the group floundered through last summer, trying desperate last ditch attempts at IUI, or special diets or herbs, Jill and I were preparing for our first IVF cycles in October. October came and went, my IVF was cancelled due to poor response and I was devastated. Part of what helped me through the disappointment of my cancelled cycle was being able to follow along with Jill’s cycle and be a cheerleader for her. Her cycle went great, and though she ended up with a positive beta, it was low and didn’t double properly; she had a chemical pregnancy. While she was heartbroken at the outcome, she picked up the pieces and was looking forward to cycling again soon. She was part of a shared risk program and was happy to have two more fresh tries left.

As she and I were getting ready for our second attempts at IVF, we found out that another woman in our group would be trying her first IVF cycle at the same time. It was so exciting to have the support of real life people during that time and knowing that we could potentially be pregnant together and have kids right around the same age was fun to daydream about. Right before Jill was going to start her cycle, she got a call from her clinic telling her that her cycle would be a frozen one, not fresh, since she had one embryo frozen from her previous attempt and her shared risk contract required her to use her frozen embryos before doing another fresh cycle. She was beyond depressed about the news, thinking that her one little embryo couldn’t possibly have a chance and it would just be a waste of time and money. We did our best to cheer her up and give her hope for her one embryo and we all went through our two week waits together cheering each other on along the way. Though things didn’t work out for me or the other woman, we were ecstatic to find out that Jill’s one little embryo did indeed take and she was pregnant with a nice high beta.

Everything appeared to be going well and Jill’s first ultrasound showed her baby with a healthy heartbeat and her doctor told her that her chance of miscarriage dropped from 20% to 8%. She was feeling confident about things and was therefore absolutely shocked to find at the next ultrasound that her baby’s heart had stopped beating. She went through a horrible miscarriage and eventual D&C in the ER and came out of the whole situation as just a shell of Jill that I had known before. I felt absolutely awful in that I didn’t know what to do for her or how to support her best. I did the only thing that I could think of and reminded her of all of the really great things that she had in her life and what a fantastic partner her husband was through everything. She decided to focus on those things and scheduled a vacation for her and her husband in Mexico.

Meanwhile, she was having her betas checked with her OB to make sure that her HCG levels were dropping appropriately and also met with her RE to discuss the next steps. Her RE wanted to do an SHG to make sure that nothing was left in her uterus and then move forward with another IVF cycle, which Jill agreed to. Surprisingly, the SHG showed a polyp that hadn’t been seen previously, and the RE felt that it would be best to remove the polyp before going forward with the next IVF cycle. The hysteroscopy was scheduled for a Friday and on Thursday Jill had another check to make sure that her beta was still dropping from the miscarriage.

Amazingly, miraculously, her beta, which had been below 50 for a couple of weeks came back at nearly 600. The “polyp” that they found during the SHG was, in all likelihood, her baby implanting itself in her uterus. She and her husband had sex just once since the miscarriage, on Valentine’s day, no less, and now she was pregnant. Completely naturally.

In the early morning hours on Sunday, my friend Jill, who had been pregnant 3 times in less than 6 months and suffered through more heartache than any woman should ever have to endure, finally saw her deepest desires come true. She gave birth to her beautiful, healthy son. Her Facebook status says that she is in love with her little miracle, and I know that nothing could be more true. My heart could not be any happier for her right now.

Beyond my sheer joy for Jill and her family, her story gives me hope for all of the women who are struggling with infertility. We hear about women who conceive in the most unlikely scenarios, after years and years of trying. We want to believe that maybe, just maybe, one day we will be one of those women. While the women who get pregnant in such improbable ways are few and far between, they are out there. I know one of them. And that in itself gives me hope.