Sorry to be a whore, but this would be interesting to win…

Little contest here: Sit on Kinky Santa’s Lap And Tell Him What You Want

For those of you who are into that sort of thing (perverts), Fetlife is doing yet another awesome holiday special.

Go check it out! Sit on Santa’s lap and see what happens!

…

Says the nice Jewish girl.

Real post pending. Scout’s honor.

Fetlife is being very nice indeed for us naughty ones this holiday season! They’re holding a raffle/drawing of sorts for their members this holiday season. Bloody hell is it a good one! Over 218 kinkster items – great toys, gear and sooo many pieces of lovely leather! Mmmmm…. I’m simultaneously drooling and getting wet!

Choosing what 3 items I wanted to be considered for was rather difficult, to put it mildly. I must have changed my choices and their priority order at least half a dozen times. In the end I went for practical over whimsy. Yes, that does mean that I unselected the Njoy Eleven as one of my choices. Woah, never thought I’d pass an opportunity up for that!

Here’s what I’m keeping my fingers and toes crossed for, in the order in which I’d want them should my name be drawn from the digital hat:
Some nice choices, if I may say so myself!

#1

A Story of O Slave Ring from Franklin the Fetjeweller
value: $55
more info

#2

A Joy Leather Corset from Le Chateau Exotique
value: $325
more info

#3

A Jaguar Harness from Aslan Leather
value: $98
more info

I really wish I had a good picture of me drooling to accompany this post. Oh well… use your imaginations!

Fetlife is running a contest called “Sit on Kinky Santa’s Lap”.  You pick 3 things you want and then there’s a draw.  Sounds like some difficult sort of math to me… But I’m sure John Baku wrote a script for it.

Oh yeah! What’s not to like?

FetLife is hosting a cool deal…

Have you been naughty or nice? Sit on Kinky Santa’s lap and tell him what you want! They’re giving avay 218 presents with a total value of almost $25,000…

We all know that the internet is not a space conducive to anonymity. We are being watched. The state is looking for people involved in terrorism, child pornography, file sharing and probably the avoidance of parking fines. Advertisers want to learn about us so that they can sell us things more successfully, although I can hardly say that they do it very effectively, since Facebook seems to think that I am an overweight lesbian primary school teacher in need of several new mobile phones. Nevertheless, an impression of anonymity tends to persist. ‘The Psychology of the Internet’ by Patricia Wallace explores this. To simplify a book into a sentence, she argued that we separate our online lives from our ‘real’ lives, and therefore our online selves from our real selves. To some extent, we all live the cliché of the dirty old man lurking in the teenagers’ chatroom pretending to be a giggly girl.

I’m not sure that Wallace is right. We all have many selves which are expressed according to context. I imagine that I would behave in one way at a Women’s Institute flower arranging class and another at a swingers’ club. I’ve never had the pleasure of attending either, but from reports of acquaintances who have, required actions at one would be entirely inappropriate at the other. We modulate our expressions of ourselves during every minute of our lives, dressing differently for the office, the pub and the neighbour’s two year old’s birthday party. I even find my accent changing, the longer I spend in Yorkshire. This modulation is necessary, if only because otherwise you will surely shock your granny. Whether you see yourself as an integrated individual expressing different aspects of yourself, or a handful of postmodern fragments constructed from God-knows-what is a question which can wait until someone has written a clear and concise précis of Judith Butler’s work. That might take a while.

The internet isn’t a space separate from real life, my life is real to me if I am in it. Many parts of my life only become real after I have involved the internet. I haven’t successfully organised a meeting of three or more people without the intermediary of Facebook for some time. It could certainly be argued that Facebook, in which others have contributed to the picture of me as much as I have, is a more accurate reflection of myself than the image I would paint alone.

The internet does provide access to things which were previously rather difficult to find if, like me, you are bad at reading maps, or have lived with people who tore leaves out of the Yellow Pages. Most importantly, it is easy to find people who share your obscure interests. There was a time when finding fetish pornography, for example, must have been a bit of an operation. My town doesn’t have an adult shop, and although the newsagent stocks the usual range of top-shelf magazines, I don’t think you’ll find any Shibari rope tying in there. Perhaps you have the courage to ask the woman at the counter to order you something in. I certainly wouldn’t, so suddenly I would be on the bus into York, trawling for shops which step back from the pavement and hunch their shoulders under their raincoats. Once you’ve found one, glanced furtively around to check that you aren’t being observed by friends or colleagues, you can take a deep breath and go in. Advance past the rack of whips, cuffs and leather. Try not to give too much thought to the rubberwear, or ask yourself who actually buys polyester French maid costumes. Don’t get distracted by the intricacies of the strange eroticism of the Snow White outfit on the mannequin, you will have time to think about it later. Right now, just edge along until you reach the magazines. Don’t go too far, or you’ll be in the extensive gay section, and you don’t want to see what’s going on in there. Here you are. Three bondage magazines, take a copy and wipe off the dust. I know the man behind the counter is staring at you, and you would really prefer a dark corner to inspect your possible purchase, but, frankly, if you were a sex shop proprietor, would you provide dark corners for lurky men to paw at magazines? Just have a quick shufty under the strip lights. You’ll be fine as long as you don’t look up.

Stop! I told you not to look up, didn’t I? You didn’t think she was real, did you? Eejit! All I can say is that you’ve obviously never seen the real Tera Patrick in action. When you’ve stopped mistaking inflatable dolls for naked women, you’d better pick up all those vibrators you knocked over. Turn that big purple one off, while you’re at it. What, you want to leave? But you haven’t picked yourself a magazine yet. Are you sure that one will do? Well, if you want to pay for three just because you’re feeling self conscious, on your own head be it. Just get them bagged up properly so that no one knows what you’re carrying on the bus home.

Let us compare that experience to typing “fetish porn Shibari” into Google. You get 27,100 results which I’m not going to explore because that may take a while and I’m writing this for you. The chances are, though, that pictures of naked women and elaborate knot work aren’t going to be enough for you anyway. You want to find other people like you, with whom you can share this new, exciting side of your character. You could be part of a community, exchanging tips on the best knotting techniques, laughing at Shibari related jokes and maybe, if you are lucky, you’ll meet a girl and get to do some tying up of your very own.

It doesn’t have to be Shibari. I’ve wormed my way into online communities to do with writing, activism, Guardian-reading and BDSM. You may have chosen Scotty dogs and Morris dancing, but they essentially the same. You’ve found something you are vaguely interested in, and, because it was easy, gone for a poke about. You may or may not have stayed, but the internet is big enough, and people multifaceted enough, that I’m sure something will have caught your interest.

Perhaps your behaviour was a little erratic at first. On joining any sort of online community, from Twitter to Facebook to (I kid you not) www.scottiedoglovers.co.uk, you are in a new culture. You’ve come alone to the party, and there’s a chance you’ll get drunk and throw up in the host’s handbag. Since everyone at the party has a slightly different agenda, finding a model for your own behaviour can be difficult. At least, that’s the excuse I make for the dirty messages strangers send me on Facebook and Fetlife. There are some weirdoes out there, but then, there are Daily Mail readers out there, too, so what can you do?

If you are one of the Scotty Dog Lovers you are probably not too worried about being discovered. Some people I see online must fear discovery daily: married men looking for casual sex, criminals boasting of their crimes. I’m sure that most people are like me, they just don’t want their separate worlds to mesh. I don’t want my schoolfriends to know just how bad my poetry is, I don’t want my ex-boyfriends to see pictures of me on a bad hair day, and really don’t want my father to see the list of enjoyable activities which graces my profile on Fetlife. The separation of myself on different parts of the internet gives me a freedom of expression which I value.

The separating walls are beginning to crumble. It all started when an acquaintance from the National Novel Writing Month launch party took the very simple step of Googling the name I use on the NaNoWriMo forums. He was able to discover: my Writewords profile, including some writing; my Guardian Soulmates profile; and this blog. Now someone in my real life knows a little bit too much. He doesn’t know anyone else I know, though, so it’s ok. Then yesterday I got a message on Fetlife from someone who had originally seen me on Guardian Soulmates, asking if I would like to meet. I have begun to realise how difficult it is to keep my selves separate.

Since the beginning, I have relied on everyone’s indifference. How many people are interested enough to trawl the internet looking for traces of me? I have always thought that the number must be close to zero. Then I had a look at my own behaviour.
I regularly check the Facebook pages of people I haven’t spoken to in years. Who wouldn’t want to know if their ex-lover is dating someone better looking than them? Who wouldn’t want to know if the actor they had a one night stand with has made it big yet? I’m sure I’m not the only one who does this. Then there’s the obsessive researching of potential dates. Mostly you get a handful of mentions on out of date websites, but now and again you can learn a lot from published work or—joy of joys—their very own website. A friend pulled up my last boyfriend’s site the day before our second date. His academic writing was unexciting, the pictures of himself with his cat were slightly embarrassing, but his music was excruciating. We sat and listened to every track of self-composed tragedy and heartache. We cringed, we laughed, we cringed again, and then we asked each other why anyone would open their heart to such a degree in such a public forum.

In the light of all this perhaps I need to reconsider my assumption about the indifference of my acquaintance. Shall I bury myself under another couple of layers of anonymity, or shall I come out, to all and sundry?

Do let me know what you think.

Are you on FetLife? (You should be!) You can RSVP on the event page!

My name is Jennie, I’m 22 years old, I’m a wife, and a new mother.   I am currently living in a Master/slave relationship with my husband. I met my husband in October 2007. We were married on October 25^th 2008, and in September of this year we entered into the lifestyle which we’re living now. We have every intention of living this lifestyle long term and hope to have success in it.
I’ve always been very open minded as far as sex & sexuality is concerned. I am bisexual, and often wind of checking out girls more than my husband does. I am willing to try anything once, and want to try everything I can think of (with very few exceptions.) However Daniel, my husband, has always been more shy about bedroom stuff…
I’m not exactly sure what triggered our desire to enter into an alternative way of living but right after our baby’s birth we decided to look into it… I know it wasn’t just out of nowhere…. Over the summer my husband and I explored some interesting bedroom options to spice things up… but that was the extent of it until…. In comes Autumn.
Then after her birth hubby starts talking about being interested in the Master/slave lifestyle. He didn’t just mean the sex or bedroom activity but living with me as his slave, and he as my Master.  Now, at first I wasn’t completely interested in the M/s stuff as a lifestyle, but then Master started looking things up and telling me about it and it started growing on me.
He talked about how doing something like this would help him to become more dominant and assertive in other areas of his life. He also explained how he enjoyed the idea of me serving him, and listening to his word. He went on in the research and we discussed things over, and decided to give it a go.
In those first few days Master and I went out in search of a collar. All we could find though were cheap looking spiked out fashion collars, inappropriate dog or cat collars, or leather wrist cuffs.  So Master decided on the cuffs.
We did decide at one point that I would attempt to make a collar with velvet ribbon, but it didn’t come out to be strong enough for a leash to be attached and pulled on.  So, we again stuck with the cuffs.
The day we bought the wrist cuffs Master also purchased a leash to lead me with. Now, to Master the leash is a very intricate piece of this lifestyle. He explained to me that he wants me to be comfortable enough in submitting to him that I would be completely trusting and willing to have him lead me with my leash, in public, at home, anywhere… We tried it, and I felt incredibly degraded and self conscience…
Since then Master told me to carry the leash with me wherever we go and attempt to use it at least once a day, which I didn’t do. When I wear my leash all I can think of is Am I going to see someone I know? What will they think? I can’t believe I’m being walked around on a leash…
I don’t like feeling this way because I know that Master sees it as me giving him complete trust and giving him complete control, but this pint I just don’t think I can do it as thoroughly as he’d like. I am amazingly fine with walking around our neighborhood being leashed, and I’m getting more comfortable with being leashed late at night, when there’s fewer people out in public places. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to become comfortable with the leash and that Master will be disappointed.  Of course I want to please my Master as much as possible, so I’m just sad about this and still very unsure.
Living this way is not easy. I have a natural rebellious streak in me as far as authority goes and senseless decision making and what not… If my bosses react a certain way to something at my job I will comment and I will voice my opinion.  I’m the same way with Master. And I need to remember that I can’t be that way anymore. I need to listen to what he says, and do what he tells me. That’s that. And I want to do that, I just don’t remember my place at times.
For a few weeks things had been kind of loose, but Master has been tightening the reigns as of late. Last week Master made me a list of Duties and Rules to be followed and completed at all times.  Nothing too crazy, just basic house work I should be doing already, and  then small rules, things like asking for permission to leave our home without my Master. He also said I was going to receive weekly writing assignments, and he decided that we would figure out a protocol or levels system to help us with appropriate behavior during certain situations. However, the best thing so far I think as far as helping us live this way was Master’s command that I receive permission before speaking to him.  A month earlier when this idea came up in passing I was very turned off by it, however, when Master told me to do this the last time I found it to be quite humbling and helpful. It was actually just what we needed I think; now I just have to keep it up, or Master has to make me keep it up.
One thing we’re trying to do is network.  Since Master began looking into all of this he’s been trying to talk to different people and get information, and its been really difficult. Anyone Master’s talked to online(people he encountered in chat rooms mostly) has been dead ends.  All these people are either clueless or just full of it. They go on and on about all these scenarios that are just too extreme to be realistic at all.  Finally, he found a pretty good website on the subject. Withinreality.com . This website gave great insight as to how real couples live their life in the “vanilla” world.  A couple days later one of my old online friends told me about fetlife.com , and I personally LOVE fetlife. I am incredibly impressed with it, and I can’t wait to start using it more, and to its full capabilities. And the best part of it is that the woman who is a fetlife greeter is the woman who wrote and runs the withinreality website.
Later on I would talk about the decision to become a slave to my husband with my best friend Tulip, (who is also living as a collared sub to her dominant husband, and has been for some time…) and she explained it as being so appealing to women like her and me because it lets women like us do all the traditional “wifey” things without having to give up our modern ideals. We’re women of a modern world, post-feminism and what not.  We value the idea of having careers and take pride in the idea of being equal within our husbands’ eyes.  To be able to combine the two suits us perfectly. I can still be a housewife, but it makes it a lot cooler.
I live my life with my husband as my Master and I’m  his slave.  Our relationship is filled with love, commitment for each other and mutual respect. I have a say in almost everything throughout the household, and I also have an opportunity to voice my opinion about any particular subject once. Choosing to live this way is doing our relationship well and I hope I can continue to please my Master.
That’s all I suppose.
‘Til next time…

John Baku (why does this man not have a Wikipedia entry?) has announced that due to popular demand, FetLife will have a line of t-shirts, and maybe other schwag. I am eagerly awaiting the T-shirts, though personally a pin or patch would look better on my vest. Kinky Tease (you get the pun?) is the new site that he launched to support the effort.

Initially there will be 3 designs, which you can see here, here and here. (FetLife Membership required.) Order yours on December 1, 2009.  I am all a twitter.

Speaking of twitter, you can follow KinkyTease on Twitter.

MV

Last night I did a long distance healing for someone and the connection was incredible. I’m not too much into the Reiki symbols I tend to follow my guidance and connect heart to heart. I have met a few people in this life who I feel like I have known them before. Now I have two friends who I feel are from my soul group, their energies are very similiar and both of them stir up memories within me, one I have know for a while now and the other I just recently met. The path is getting interesting and fun.

I have been getting some interesting responses to my posts in Fetlife and invitations to join groups dealing with energy work or erotic energy play, the support and encoragement I have recieved is very much appreciated.

A few attempts to create the Fetlife logo on my leg with drops of molten wax. Not spectacular but a lot of fun. Oh yes…

The first one was a cut out stencil. Ho-hum results as the wax was still hot enough to flow under the edges of the stencil.

The second one was the cut out section of the stencil used above. Again, ho hum results. I think next time I might use a piece of duct tape as the wax would be less likely to bleed under it.

When I play with wax it is drips of wax that are dropping straight off of a burning candle that is held above me. The height of the candle varies the amount of time that the wax can cool which varies the temperature of the molten wax when it hits my skin. 

If the wax is too cool it is boring – if it is too hot it will cause a burn. Practice makes perfect, no?

I’m almost embarrased to write about this, how old am I now and I still look for approval outside of myself. I know it is a need that we have, I’ve read enough books over the years. We humans a social creatures and week seek approval to be validated and I know it is not a good thing to be seeking it solely outside of ourselves. I know in some areas of my life I feel strong and I do not need it, yet is some I still look to others.

Over the last couple of weeks I keep noticing how I catch myself from saying something that I normally would just to impress someone in some way. I think that a lot of what I have been reading in Fetlife has been influencing my thinking. I find myself asking just before I speak, why am I doing this and I notice that I want to impress someone with what I have learned, am I sharing from my heart and not my head.

I have also noticed and realized that when my feelings are strong and I write something I want to post that I have been stepping back and not posting and giving myself time to consider what I have written until I have had sometime to get centered and calm down.

I am seeing shifts in my behavior and personality, this urge to slow down and be at peace with myself has been showing up a great deal.

I have spent enough time in therapy to understand there is a boy who never got the love he needed at the time and wants to be held, sometimes that feeling still shows up and I can feel the hurt from years long past. And now even that feels different, because when I decided to leave my marriage, I felt a new strength showing up, because I am a learning to value myself first.

I spent the last two years coming to terms with myself that I wanted out of my marriage and I know what I want in my next relationship, but for right now I want to discover who I am, because I lost myself in the marriage.

My wife asked me to house sit while she is out of town this week on business, because she wanted someone to take care of all our pets. It is hard walking back into this house a place I once thought of as our home. There are so many feelings that get triggered as I walk around this house, so many memories of the life we once had. I have felt my walls coming up not wanting to deal with what I am feeling. Yet one thought keeps coming up for me, I am doing the right thing and I am doing it for myself.

I put her first in all my thoughts and actions and I’ve learned, because I choose to put myself first  how good it feels to  be strong and determined to  live the  life I want to live.  The  loniless sucks, I want to connect with another human being, but I will come to terms with that over time as I fill my new life with new activities and friends.

I have a vision of how I wish to live and the man I am becoming , the person I want in my life and the relationship I desire. I have the right to say no to someone I care about deeply, no matter how much it hurts them, because I want something better for myself.   Not only is it my right it is my responsibility. As I have been reading the posts in fetlife, this  thought  keeps being repeated again and again,  I can  and must be able to say no no matter who the person is, even if she is the Lady I wish to serve and both of us need to be honest and open with each other in all our communications, if we want the relationship to grow.