For years now, there has been a select group of people who have gone on theTWOfour, an annual May 24 long weekend trip.  On said trip, fishing poles are employed to try and catch the ‘best’ fish of the weekend, thus earning the catcher the Chewbaka Bigfish Trophy (pictured).  While this coveted prize and prestigious event are great, a legend had been spawned.

CBT, in all her glory. This is like the Stanley Cup of fishing.

Throughout our fishing days, one friend remarked off-handedly about a movie that was made up near where his folks had settled down.  In the Bruce Peninsula of Georgian Bay (the very same bay where the Ewok battled 4-foot waves near the French River), was shot one of the most horrifying films of all time:

PSYCHO PIKE!  (dun, dun, DUUUUNNNNN!!!!)

MAY IT HAUNT YOUR NIGHTMARES!

While we all can see, simply from this poster, it’s a schlocky B-movie, but damn it, this quickly became our B-movie.  But the story gets better.

None of us have ever seen Psycho Pike.  In fact, very few people have.  It debuted in 1992, had a brief and fluffy write-up in Cottage Life magazine, which declared it a ‘cottage cult classic’, and faded into obscurity aside from the people of the Wiarton area where it was filmed.

Fast forwards almost two decades later, and there appeared an innocuous Facebook page called “Where is PSYCHO PIKE?”.  People started to join.  Then people involved with the movie started to join.  Model makers, actors, carpenters, directors, writers!  Pictures of the Pike Monster surfaced, and it seemed like a renewed effort to find this baby had been born.

Then…a few months ago.  A breakthrough.  Hidden in a collector’s basement, within a sealed wooden box was found a 1mm tin labelled “Psycho Pike: Screening copy”.  Our prayers had been answered.  Within days it was online, and after that…people started selling it.

As of last Friday, not knowing what to expect, I placed an order.  For.  My. Copy.  Of.  PSYCHO PIKE!

This may seem overly dramatic, but I can’t wait to see this film.  For years we’ve been joking around the boat saying stuff like “Oh gawd, feels like I got Psycho Pike on the line!” meaning we had a big fish.  This movie is like bigfoot amongst a certain group of people.  And now it’s coming to my doorstep.

There are very few arguments Tommy and I have had where we are more diametrically opposed than on the subject of X:Men the Last Stand. I will allow him to state his own case, in his words, and so I will merely state mine.

The Internet hates this film, but the Internet film community tends to pile on. Bryan Singer’s previous X-men films got sort of overrated, and since there was a general hate of Brett Ratner and he was attached to the project, this movie by definition had to be an abomination. It wasn’t. I can’t say its a great film, but its entertaining and more to the point, it wasn’t supposed to be possible to make it. It’s like a miracle baby.

Let me give you the context for X3.

Say hello to the bad guy!

It’s a story with a villain, Chairman and CEO of Fox Filmed Entertainment at the time, Tom Rothman, who was good at saving a buck, but not much else. Rothman is behind such legendary decisions as making Die Hard 4 a PG-13 at the last minute, botching the Daredevil, Fantastic Rour and X-men franchise, pointless feuds with Bryan Singer, Tim Burton, Stephan Norrington, Ridley Scott, Alex Proyas, Kevin Smith, Warner Brothers and his own business partner, and last minute edits of Kingdom of Heaven, Hitman that rendered the  films incoherent or worse. He shot down the Independence Day sequel and the Ridley Scott/James Cameron Alien 5 film because he had a good script for Aliens vs. Predator already.

Bryan Singer wanted to leave to do Superman Returns but he was still willing to finish X3. He was taking James Marsden with him. This incensed Rothman who immediately made it personal. He drove Singer off the project (a project where Sigourney Weaver would have been Emma Frost, and Gambit would have made an appearance) and then had characters axed and killed off in a fit of rage. He also hamstrung the movie so it wouldn’t interfere with his pet Wolverine movie project.

Oddly enough, Rothman couldn’t find a director, which didn’t stop him from setting a release date anyway. In the end, he got Brett Ratner. The project at this point had over two dozen script rewrites but they were in the middle of the Writer’s Strike and couldn’t redo anything. The shooting schedule was impossible to meet by industry standards. In the end, it took eleven different effects houses to complete the film which was edited up until its week of release.

Somehow, Ratner got blamed for the ensuing mess, which is not fair. But one thing is that is fair to complain about is the casting. So Tom and Tom is going to recast X3!

Professor X/Patrick Stewart – No problems here.

Magneto/Ian McKellan – No problems here either. This is easy so far.

Wolverine/Hugh Jackman – I have new respect for this guy after Les Mis, but he is miscast. Wolverine is a short, gruff Canadian, so of course they cast a tall, sensitive Austrailian. If I had a time machine I would be able to put a young Jack Nicholson in the role, but I think Benico del Toro would have been awesome. The Hunted showed his vicious side where he played a psychopathic knife expert, and the Wolf Man remake (shudder) showed his animal side.

Halle Berry/Storm – They needed the star power, but they had nothing for her to do, although in my little world, her arc the first two movies was about a bored actress struggling with a terrible accent. Seriously though, they couldn’t find an actual African to play Storm? If I grab my time machine Storm would be Iman, who probably hasn’t aged a day. Also, Angela Bassett would be awesome, because her fantastic range allows her to play pretty much any black female role. But Thandie Newton would be great here.

Famke Janssen/Jean Grey – In all fairness, her part is underwritten. But you need someone here that is supposed to be the Dark Phoenix, which means you have to be afraid of her at some point, and that’s a chamber Janssen doesn’t have. Jessica Chastain, is freakishly talented and apparently still working for pretty cheap.

Anna Paquin/Rogue – Paquin is a young Brit, who was cast to play a grown Cajun. Rogue is also volumptuous and Paquin is… um…um… hmm. Eastbound and Down’s Katy Mixon is the perfect age and build for Rogue. She has a very Southern presence and great charisma.

Sugah!

Kelsey Grammer/Beast – No problems here.

James Marsden/Cyclops- Tough position. Cyclops has no role to play. His job is be dour and argue with Wolverine. He’s not worth recasting.

Rebecca Romijn/Mystique – I think she’s doing just fine.

Vinnie Jones/Juggernaut – Maybe the worst casting in the movie. I like Vinnie Jones, but when he was cast, Matthew Vaughn was the director, and the British can’t seem to figure out that some people are actually large. For some reason, 5″9 160lb Tom Hardy got cast as 6″8, 350lb Bane, and so Vinnie Jones had to endure a costume that would make him appear almost 7 feet tall. Because there are no actors that could approximate the size of the Juggernaut. They should have just gotten Nathan Jones and called it a day.

Pretty much any comic book adaptation should have Nathan Jones. Jesus.

What do you think?

As much as I agree with you concerning the reason why The Last Stand became terrible, I still place a majority of the blame squarely at the feet of Mr. Rush Hour himself, Bret Ratner.

Ratner is the poor man’s Michael Bay, except his films lack any discernible visual style. But the hackery? He’s got that down. Matthew Vaughn should have gotten the job, as he killed X-Men: First Class and proved he understands the franchise.

Professor X/Patrick Stewart – Perfect casting here. He was born to play the Professor.

Magneto/Ian McKellan – Also perfect. It takes a great actor to play the greatest comic book villain of all time, and Sir McKellan fits the bill, and then some.

So far we agree. Here’s where we differ.

Wolverine/Hugh Jackman- Let’s start with Benicio Del Toro as Wolverine.

Now, we’re even.

To me, Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine is like Daniel Craig’s Bond: I didn’t think he was a good fit before I saw him in action, but now I can’t see any one else in the role. He took what could have been a ridiculously over-the-top portrayal of the character and made a three dimensional character out of him. I’m not suggesting Del Toro could not have done the same, but his accent would have been super distracting, and it feels a bit out of place. I would keep Jackman in the role -  it’s one of the few things that was surprisingly correct here.

Storm/Halle Berry - We are once again in agreement, as Halle Berry was horribly miscast here. It should have been Angela Basset, as she has the voice and the gravitas to play the role. She’s a bit too old to play the character though, so my second choice is Kerry Washington. Great actress, and capable of playing an African, as evidenced by her role in Last King of Scotland.

If Chris Evans can be redeemed after Fantastic Four, so can she.

Famke Janssen/Jean Grey – We once again agree here. Janssen had absolutely zero to do in this role, and could not nail the awesome of Dark Phoenix. Chastain would be awesome, but I’m gonna go with GOT actress Lena Headey. Her evil Queen Cersei makes me think she’d kill it with actual powers.

Anna Paquin/Rogue - I think Paquin did a good job, partly because they wrote the role for a waifish drifter instead of a tormented sexpot. If the role was correctly written, there’s only one choice: Christina Hendricks. Far better actress than Ms. Mixon, and can definitely play a bombshell.

I mean, her body is like, 70 percent boob.

Kelsey Grammer/Beast - Ain’t nothing wrong with that.

James Marsden/Cyclops – We agree here as well. A better actor would be a waste – He simply has nothing to do.

Vinnie Jones/Juggernaut – I’m a bit torn on this. I like Vinnie Jones as well, and he’s definitely an imposing figure. As for having to wear the costume, that’s what actors do-they pretend. That being said, there was not much for him to do but be large and scary, and Nathan Jones fits that bill, even though his acting is weak even by professional wrestling standards. Change approved.

No matter where I go, Spike Lee’s judgment still follows me.

I feel I’ve got to clarify something: I don’t disagree with any of Tom’s points about Affleck. He’s made more than his share of craptastic films over his career, and he isn’t a great actor by any stretch of the imagination.

However, he was still the bomb in Phantoms, yo.

My defense of Mr. Affleck was not because I think he’s the shit; but rather because he clearly deserved to be recognized for his talent behind the camera for Argo, in spite of his bad acting/movies. If you’re giving someone an award, that should be based on the merit, and to intentionally thumb your nose at someone because of what he did in the past feels wrong. I was really sticking it to The Academy for snubbing him, even if it came off another way.

I’m sure Affleck will get another shot at the Oscar for Best Director, because -  no matter how you feel about him as an actor – he’s a GREAT director. Every movie he’s directed so far has been great. Not good, but great. He’s found his calling, and all it took was the specter of crippling failure to bring out his best work.

The problem is that, in the politics driven world of Hollywood, he will receive that Oscar for a film that is not as good as this one, thereby snubbing a more deserving director and film down the line. And the vicious cycle will continue to perpetuate itself as it has for so long, with actors and films that are mediocre snatching the honors from better people and films due to glad-handing and political manipulation.

Tell the truth: Which of these roles should Denzel Washington really have gotten Best Actor for? (Both is an acceptable answer.)

All I’m saying is that, when these awards come along, we should put any politics aside and give the honors to people that deserve them. We all had to suffer through Daredevil. I’m not bitter.

By the way: Mom or not, I’m sure every straight male member of The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences would swap Jennifer Garner for the flabby bags of wrinkle they had to lug to last night’s awards in a New York minute. This was her last night:

“I’d still smash.”
Hawk Koch, President of The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

The Academy Awards came on last night, and for some reason I was sober enough to watch the whole thing. What follows are a few of my thoughts about that telecast, and award season in general:

–Ben Affleck got hosed, man.

–Let’s face it: musicals are shit. However, Anne Hathaway definitely deserved the best supporting actress award. While only in Les Miserables for around 30 min., she managed to steal the show. Her performance as Fantine was the very definition of a powerful performance in a small role. Also, since there was no shot that she would get it for The Dark Knight Rises, this was the perfect way to top off the huge year for her.

–The same thing can be said for Jennifer Lawrence, who got her 1st Oscar and killed in The Hunger Games. Adding to her awesome appeal: she fell up the stairs and laughed it off.

Stay classy.

–Ben Affleck got hosed, man.

–Seriously, is there really any way anyone’s ever going to beat Daniel Day-Lewis at the Oscars? After tonight’s record third win, he will definitely go down in history as the greatest actor that ever lived–at least when it comes time for awards season. (Seriously dude, would it kill you to just make one for them? I have got to see this guy in an action flick.)

One quick casting change, and this shit circus would have been eminently more watchable.

–Seth McFarlane sucked donkey balls. The Academy Awards producers should stop catering to the younger demographic and bring back universally likable hosts to take the helm of this already too long and drawn-out ceremony. Don’t bring in the most controversial hack that Tinseltown has to offer and give him that honor. (I’m a family Guy fan, but come on.)

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler showed us how to do this, son.

–Ben Affleck got hosed, man. (Am I saying that too much?)

–Skyfall. Adele. No-brainer.

–While it was good to see Tarantino, one of my favorite moviemakers, getting recognized once again by the Academy, Django Unchained was not the movie he should have gotten his due for. (For my money, it’s Jackie Brown.)

–I’m not going to say this again, but come on: Ang Lee? Really? Ben Affleck got hosed, man.

–I would remark about the lack of films of color recognized by the Academy, but every time a movie of color is recognized, it happens to be one that I don’t like, and which caters to some of the most base stereotypes about African Americans. Still, it was nice to see Beasts of the Southern Wild getting recognized, even if it’s subjects were a little rough around the edges. (It never really had a shot to win, so no outrage when it did not.)

–When Life of Pi’s visual effects supervisor was played off by the Jaws theme while he was lamenting the fact that that Academy award-winning visual effects team is now unemployed, I literally fell out of my chair. I half expected to see the Sandman hook him by the neck and literally drag him off stage, lest he remind the beautiful people in attendance that there is still suffering out there.

-Zero Dark Thirty walking away with squat (Sound Editing is a booby prize) was no surprise. No one’s gonna give awards to a film that makes it seem like torture is OK.

-Michelle Obama announcing best picture was the definition of awesome sauce. (Also, I immediately regret that word choice.)

–Since you already know my thesis, I will simply say this: there has to be something more to Ben Affleck’s snubbing then meets the eye.

“You think you’re going home to this, and getting an Oscar too? Fuck that.”
Hawk Koch, President of The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

When a man literally kills and blows away expectations- as Affleck has done since he stepped into the director’s chair-he deserves to be forgiven for any craptastic movies he made during his career in front of the camera. I don’t know what the Academy was smoking, but the fact that they recognized Argo in every single category except director tells me only one thing: BEN AFFLECK GOT HOSED, MAN!

Still, 3 things remain true about Mr. Affleck:
1. He directed the hell out of that movie.
2. He will direct the hell out of many more.

3. He was the bomb in Phantoms, yo.

Best:

Dredd/The Avengers
I’ve put these together because they’re both comic book movies, and hence, can’t be blamed for being a bit light on plot and camera technique.  They’ll never be in the accolades of what you can achieve with film as an art.  But OH MY GOD were they fun!  I love Judge Dredd, he’s one of my favorite comic book characters.  This was the treatment he needed and deserved.  I really hope to see Dredd back in action in the future.  The Avengers I similarly enjoy.  I think Whedon walked the line between appeasing the fanboys while appealing to a wider audience very well.  The cliffhanger ending just makes me glad they’re making more.

The Cabin in the Woods
Another Whedon adventure!  Sorry, but I guess he ‘gets me’ or something.  I adore this movie.  It has everything that I want in a ‘teen-woods-murder’ movie, and keeps you guessing the whole way through.  I even like the ending!  This movie captures exactly why I like movie such as Braindead or Army of Darkness very well.

Prometheus
Yes, there are some plot holes.  Yes, there are some strange characters.  Yes, there aren’t any Aliens.  Here’s how much I care [---].  It doesn’t detract from the basic story, nor does it take away from the absolutely stunning visuals and genuine tension that’s built.  I haven’t seen it out of the theater yet, because I think it really merits being seen on a big screen with booming sound-system (yet to be hooked up), but I’ve still got fond memories.

The Hobbit
I love this movie.  I’ve seen it twice already, and I’d see it again.  I can’t wait for the second one.  I don’t know what people expected, and why they’re so pissed off that this is 3 movies.  Go and read the book, then tell me it doesn’t merit some explaining.

Cloud Atlas
Now this was a treat.  A real, honest-to-god, treat.  The different direction styles, the incredible prosthetics, the innovative music, etc.  Read my review to hear all the gushing.  It’s sort of like Forrest Gump.  If you don’t remember all of it, you’ll remember little scenes that mean something to you on a personal level. 

Worst:

Breaking Dawn Pt. 2
Okay, we all knew this would be here.  It’s crap.  I’m not the target audience.  Blah blah blah.  But the ending…sweet god the ending.  Nobody had to give up ANYTHING!  It was the most, “Well, I’ve just wasted some hours of my life” ending I’ve ever been a part of in the theater.  I can’t BELIEVE they actually did this ending.  Ugh.  It was like getting slapped in the face by a clown.

The Hunger Games
Having never read the books, I’m taking this movie at face value.  The premise is paper-thin, the characters are wooden, the plot-devices really stupid (what town that’s starving to death in the woods has a talented cake decorator?), and the rules kept changing.  I suggest watching Battle Royale, or reading The Long Walk.  At least those ones have violence.

Battleship
The less said about this the better.  It’s a Transformers rip-off done more poorly than Michael Bay could have done.  The driving characters are dumb and boring, and Liam Neeson just sits back waiting for his cheque to clear.  This is an example of why some summer blockbusters are best left to the teenagers.

Red Dawn
Why was this made?  Who is screaming, “we need to re-make a movie that’s already been criticized as fairly dumb”?  In the world we live in, there’s no need to fear Russia, North Korea, or hell, even China.  Not once in this movie was there any explanation as to WHY the hell Korea was invading.  They can’t even invade a country they’re touching, much less America!  I don’t care how lackluster the rest of the movie is (or that stupid EMP plot device which wasn’t explained or kept up to date as the movie progressed), I can not get over how stupid it would be for North Korea to invade America.

The Apparition
Currently sitting at 4% on Rotten Termaters, this is the exact textbook story, of how not to make a movie.  It’s shockingly bad.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  At least with Ed Wood movies you can tell there was effort put into it.  Todd Lincoln is a hack director, a shitty writer, and should go back to making commercials that I don’t have to pay 6 dollars to see.

Now that Hollywood is trying to make movies out of theme park rides and board games, we act like this is some new low. Anyone that knows film understands this is not the first time that this sort of desperation has happened. Clue was made in 1985, with Jonathan Lynn, a director versed in British comedy, and assisted by legend John Landis.

It is a delightful send-up of the old dark house movie, a movie where the mansion being filmed is a character itself. Its origin, for our purposes, is James Whale’s film titled… uh… The Old Dark House.

Since then the mixture of comedy, horror and mystery have run through the decades. Whether they’ve known it or not, they have walked the very edge of incredulity, and Clue obliges us by completely going over the edge. Clue is based on wordplay, puns, camp and silliness, and is too clever for its own good.

Clue begins with the worried face of Tim Curry, which is generally a great place to start. Curry is Wadsworth the butler, and he carries the film completely, even while surrounded by a bevy of character actors: Lesley Ann Warren, Martin Mull, Colleen Camp, Christopher Lloyd, Michael Mckean, Eileen Brennan and Madeline Kahn all dominate the screen simultaneously, but it is Curry’s job to move the plot along, and he does a fine job.

The film begins with a series of strangers invited to a party by a written invitation – from a man they do not know. Some of them seem to know each other. The mansion is occupied by a butler, a maid and a cook… and no one else.

After a while, their patience runs thin. They want to meet their host.

They do. The moment Mr. Boddy appears, things are thrown into chaos. He refuses to co-operate and soon the guests realize that they are trapped in the mansion. Even worse, it turns out they are all being blackmailed – by Mr. Boddy. And despite what they believed… he is NOT their host.

The police are on their way, and no one can afford to be caught. Mr. Boddy comes up with an ingenious idea. In his little black bag, Mr. Boddy has lethal weapons for each one of them. He suggests they kill Wadsworth and escape. He turns the lights out and then-

Mr. Boddy is dead. There was a gunshot, but Mr. Boddy wasn’t shot. Was it a blow to the head? Or poison? As Mrs. Peacock had the brandy as well, the only way to tell if its poison is if she dies, right?

(It wasn’t poison.) The maid screams in another room. As it turns out, they are being recorded as well. They take the maid back with the rest of them, where Wadsworth has a complete breakdown. This was all his hare-brained scheme to deal with the black-mailing Mr. Boddy. They wonder about who else could be the murderer, when they realize that there’s one other person in the building – the cook!

When they get there, the cook is dead.

I told you.

When they move the cook’s body to the study, they find that Mr. Boddy’s corpse is gone. Was he really dead? How could Professor Plum, a medical doctor have missed something so obvious? After some bickering and the discovery of some risque negatives, they find – the corpse of Mr. Boddy.

In a panic, they move the bodies again, and then try to lock up the weapons. Then they intend to throw away the key, except its a dark and stormy night and a motorist appears.

At this point the mayhem begins in earnest. More guests arrive, a phone call indicates that one guest is a Federal agent, the crew decides to split up and and explore the building, and more murders occur.

The whole time everyone is aided by a crackling script with clearly defined characters and genuinely clever humor. All of this masks the fact that this script works as an actual mystery, and its a corker. The ending(s) prove that most of the facts are presented to the viewer the first time around, you simply have to pay attention and ignore the distractions.

Clue succeeds as a comedy, a mystery and as entertainment. It was not a success, although over the years it has a cult following, but that’s not saying much. It deserved better than it got.

…. And a partridge in a pear tree.

Along with all these good tidings of comfort and joy, the holidays are a time when we can sit around the tube with our loved ones, watching classic holiday films. Everyone has a favorite -It’s A Wonderful Life, The Grinch, Scrooge, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, Rugrats Kwanzaa Special.

After much deliberation, and thorough review of all the most beloved classic holiday films, I have decided to honor the greatest Christmas movie of them all, the one that has earned a special place in my heart, and whose magic I hope to someday pass on to my own children.

I think you know which one I’m talking about….

It’s Die Hard.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Now, before you start to wonder just what LSD tastes like on a candy cane, two things must be taken into account. First, I already ingested all of it, so you can’t prove anything. Second, if you take a close look at Die Hard, its status as a Christmas movie is unquestionable.

First, there’s the time it takes place: Christmas Eve, at a Christmas party at the Nakatomi Plaza. Christmas references are spread throughout, like this one:

Is there a Santa Claus hat on that corpse? Checkmate.

Second, critical acclaim for the film will put any speculation about Die Hard’s legendary status as world’s greatest Christmas movie swiftly to bed. It has a 94% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and if you were wondering how it stacks up to other classic holiday films, take a look:

Home Alone: 54%
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation: 63%
Elf: 84%
Scrooge: 85%
A Christmas Story: 89%
It’s A Wonderful Life: 93%
Die Hard: 94%

Numbers don’t lie, and the numbers say Tiny Tim can suck it.

Now, I know that many of you will say that just because a movie is set at Christmas does not make it a Christmas movie. Well, allow me to slap you across the face with the tinsel-wrapped pimp hand of truth: Most modern holiday classics have nothing to do with the true meaning of Christmas.

Let’s take a look at another beloved holiday classic: Home Alone. In this well beloved caper of parental neglect and child abandonment, young Macauley Culkin is left at home for the holidays, and has to do battle with a pair of incompetent burglars. in the end, he learns to appreciate his family more, and not to judge people based on appearance (A lesson he quickly forgot by the 2nd film). That’s all fine and good, but here’s a question: what part of that movie could not just as easily have been done during summer break?

Oh, no, he’s on to us!

Whether it’s the setting of a sappy romance, an excuse for comedic hijinks, or whatever the hell Arnold Schwarzenegger was doing with Sinbad, Christmas is usually window dressing for a standard Hollywood movie plot. If that’s the case, you might as well have the one thing that can make any movie better – gunfire and explosions.

And that, Charlie Brown, is what awesome is all about.

Yippie ki yay, motherfuckers. Yippie ki yay, everyone.

I LOVED THIS MOVIE!  IT WAS SO GOOD!  THE CASTING, THE SET DESIGN, THE ACTING, THE ACTION, THE EFFECTS!!!  IT WAS SO GOOD!!  *Bounce Bounce Bounce*

I really didn’t think this was going to be as good as it was.  Honestly, the hype around this movie was so big, and the source material so strong, that I thought I was going to be disappointed in some way, but I wasn`t.  Not even a little bit. 

However, the people I went with to see this movie weren`t so enthused.  I`ll concede, the musical cues were a bit repetitive when conpared to the LoTR ones.  Also, the deus ex machina devices prevailant to Tolkien`s writing are out in full force.  However, the main thrust of people`s complaints all seem to start with the phrase “But in the book…” and that means they can immediately be discounted.  So much faith I have in Peter Jackson in crafting a terrific adaptation that I can’t judge the story by the first film.  I mean, LoTR and King Kong under his belt as both commercial and filmmaking successes, the guy knows exactly how to adapt something.

I’m not going to spoil anything here, but I’ll try to explain what really resonated with me about this movie.  What I really liked was that I got exactly why Bilbo decided to go on an his adventure, basically on a whim.  Why he’d give up the comfort and stability of Shire life and hit the open road.  The line “I’m going on an adventure! ” strikes a chord with me on a personal level, the leaving behind of your personal bubble and seeing the world for what it is…I don’t know.  It’s the feeling I get when I start out on a long canoe trip, seeing what and where I might find on my own personal adventure that I really love.  What’s behind you is the world everyone sees, and what’s in front of you is the world at its rawest.

Bottom Line:  This movie is great.  The dwarven songs are a little jarring and it seems more like a extended release than a theatrical one, but I really liked that.  The cast and crew obviously love working this job, and it shows.  Also, every single scene is drop-dead gorgeous.  Go and see this movie if it’s your bag, because I think it’s awesome.

I’m not some wizard, the The Doctor!

Also, Slyvester McCoy is basically The Doctor with a rabit-powered TARDiS.  That alone is worth the price of admission.

I’m not Macauley Caulken’s (or however you spell it, I can’t be bothered to look it up) biggest fan, but I liked him in Uncle Buck.  He’s not the worst actor in history.  But his character in Home Alone is an absolute asshole.  Never once did I feel like he was a someone to pity, instead he comes off as a little jerk who always gets what he wants instead of actually being proactive.  By the end of the movie he’s praised for going shopping, SHOPPING, as if he’s struck oil in the basement!

The bad guys too, are useless.  For sneak thieves, they seem weirdly preoccupied by one particular street in suburban Chicago.  They’re super conspicuous, driving around a panel van on one street for days.  As soon as they see that the kid is home alone, they immediately try to kill him instead of actually stealing shit.  They’re completely useless.

The parents are no better!  They’re rude to people in airports around the world for no reason, and it would seems like they’ve never travelled before because it takes them FOUR DAYS to get from Paris to Chicago.  FOUR!  In this day and age, with jumbo jets and the Concord still in the air, you could get around the planet Earth multiple times in a single day if you’ve got a few grand to blow.  It’s terrible.

The weird thing really is that I loved this movie as a kid.  It’s disappointing to see that the nostalgia-goggles have worn off for this Christmas classic.

This is most of the movie….and it’s awesome.

Ang Lee has always had an eye for visuals.  From Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon to Hulk, no matter how you view them story-wise they look great.  So when you give him such a good story as Life of Pi (which was acclaimed by the likes of Barack Obama if that matters to you) we’re in for something special.  As in the novel, there are some serious religious overtones, and while some are more subtle than other, it’s not grating or inflammatory.  I’d reckon that this is probably one of the most religiously agreeable movies I’ve seen come out of Hollywood…ever, now that i think about it.  Sure, some Raelians might get pissed, but the major groups shouldn’t find anything to really complain about.

Secondly, the main actor portraying Pi, Suraj Sharma, along with the whole cast (notably his Dad and the narrator) are outstanding in their likeability.  It’s gotta be hard to carry a whole movie pretty much single handedly, but I was riveted.  They are helped by the hypnotizing visual pacing of this movie.  It’s always up and down, but never is it draining.

I’ve got to gush about the visuals though, because as good as parts of the story are, there’s nothing revolutionary in there in my opinion.  But the visuals, oh my god…it’s right up there with Prometheus.  Let’s just say that the Oscars for visual effects are going to be interesting this season.  The really impressive stuff was the decision to use a uniform style I’d classify as “fairy-tale” throughout the film.  You can never really tell if things like the ocean, the animals, and the stars are real, animated, or some strange in-between.  It’s aesthetically pleasing, but since there’s nothing to distinguish between fantasy and reality, I found myself really drawn in even while stone sober.

Bottom Line:  You may be taken aback about how much you think about this movie, in the same way you may debate your friend about plots like Inception or Total Recall.  There’s the spiritual part of it, the Survivorman aspect, and the sheer visual stimulation.  I encourage you to see this in 3D.  I usually never say that.  But if you’re looking for a solid A- film, this is the one for you!  It’ll leave you thinking, and not just about how they might have filmed the thing.

My biggest complaint and the worst thing to me about this movie was that I felt lied to about it.  I honestly do.  All the posters, all the ads, everything pointed to this movie being a game-hopping, nostaligic romp through video game history poking fun at the sillyness of 8-bit games and commenting on the over-the-top violence of current-gen games.  It could have a story to it and jokes that everyone regardless of gaming status would get, but there would be one gleaming joke that only those with a runaway and bloated video game collection would really get.  Instead I got a few inconsequencial cameos, with the most noticable speaking role going to fucking ZANGIEF.  It’s bad when the major cameo goes to  the “oh, phew, I get to fight this guy” character from Street Fighter (seriously, there’s no reason to lose to Zangief)

Guess which character has a speaking role? Q-bert doesn’t count.

That’s what was missing, the other games.  I feel like the big characters portrayed in the promo posters were not used AT ALL, and that sucks.

All 3 of these characters actually do have lines, but Sonic and Zangeif disappear after the first 10 minutes.

I liked a lot of this movie though, and feel like there was a lot of promise and passion.  The characters were very likable, the casting was spot on, and there were some really good chuckles to be had.  For all my complaining, it was fun to see games I play every day at least parodied on the big screen in 3D, and the animation style is likeable.  There were a few moments that made me squee, like seeing Snake’s ! and a Sonic Sez (don’t look them up, they’re terrible).  Hell, I even say “Turbotastic” in real life now.  It’s a B+ movie, and I enjoy it on its own merit.

Bottom Line:  If you’re a gamer, I almost guarantee you’ll like this kids movie.  And it IS a kids movie, be aware of that.  However, you can’t go in looking for a video game movie, this is a movie which takes place in the video game world.  The real promise of this movie is that it proves that there is a big market for this kind of media and hopefully there are sequels, because now that I know what I’m getting into, I’ll be able to enjoy it more.  I do feel had by the advertising campaign, but I’ve got hopes for the video game based on it.  Maybe that will kick ass.

The story is of no consequence, it’s bad, but at least it’s got nothing to do with the love triangle that plagued the other…movies…in this…saga.  So there’s a plus!  Basically, the plot revolves around some stuffy Italians who think that they have to kill Bella’s daughter so that the rest of the world doesn’t find out about vampires. 

Now, I’m going to have to rant.  Some stuff has been touched on by other critics (or normal human beings), but I hope to bring up a point or two of my own.

Firstly, how does a movie with this much money behind it have such piss-poor computer graphic effects.  I’m dead serious, a lot of the effects had me giggling they’re that bad.  From the stupid looking wolves with scaling issues, to a creepy-looking baby, to inconsistant eye-effects…it’s just a mess.  And it’s not like I’m nitpicking here, the vampire ‘powers’ like speed and jumping are used throughout the whole movie and it’s laughable.

Apparently, this turned into an X-men movie too, because suddenly there’s superpowered vampires.  I know I’ve said that I can deal with the pliable nature of vampires through time, but this really pushed my belief that any semblance of vampirism was in the story.  Instead of giving people weird names like Renesmee, why not give them ones that compliment their powers?  Like Electro, Smog, or Mindspike?!  That’d be cool!

Speaking of Renesmee, who the HELL told Meyer that name would fly?  I laughed, every.  Single.  Time.  That name slays me.  It’s a shame for Mackenzie Foy, because she’s got that hanging on her head forever now.  She’s the girl who played Renesmee.  What a terrible name to have as yur legacy.  Also, we could put her and Newt from Aliens in a cage and have a “most pointless McGuffin” fight.

Let’s turn our evil eye on the acting.  For the most part it’s forgivable, most people seem to be doing it for the paycheck or their kids.  A great cast this does not make, but at least they’re competent if not passionate.  However.  Kristen Stewart.  Oh Kris, oh honey…I’ve heard you’re not the best actress, however you’re really bad in this movie.  Really, really, bad.  It’s not a good thing when the logs and trees of the forest you’re in are more expressive.  It’s truly amazing.

Could be worse though, at least these movies are consistant with their plot points, their major glaring plot points.  Oh wait.  No they’re not.  Carried over from the earlier movies, there are two, TWO lines of narration.  This is incredibly jarring when all of a sudden you have Ms. Stewart’s voice coming out of nowhere.  At the beginning of the movie, Bella basically goes apeshit trying to kill a climber, smelling him from miles away.  However, despite people warning her that her father might be at risk, nothing becomes of her bloodlust at all in the movie.  Oh, and remember how big a deal was made about the sparkling in daylight?  From what I know, it’s basically the plot of the second movie or something.  Except for one scene, and despite pretty much the ENTIRE movie being set outside IN BRIGHT DAYLIGHT, this is not a plot point or even a thing.  The last scene is them sitting in a brightly lit field, in direct sunlight.  It’s staggering how little these films care about themselves.  It just goes to show that they know it’s a stupid thing, and they didn’t want to add yet another cheesey effect into the movie.  In the end, there is NOTHING bad about being a vampire, or being immortal, it simply dismisses the deeper ideas behind beign a predator, or not being able to die…it just doesn’t care.

The ending.  Ha, if you want to call it that.  It’s the biggest slap in the face I’ve ever seen in a conclusionary story.  I couldn’t have made it worse if I wrote a 5th book which was one sentence long and read: “And then Bella woke up”.  The ‘big battle’ at the end is ridiculous, and they try to make it seem epic despite having a smaller cast than the end of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  If you’ve seen it, please tell me why Bella (who is apparently immune to Mindspike’s telepathic attacks) doesn’t just go and hit Mindspike instead of just standing around?  Finally, apparently vampire heads are pretty easy to pull off, you just need to shake them in some cases, and are filled with nitrogen because they are flammable.  It’s so full of holes Swiss cheese is jealous.

Now THERE’S a twist ending I’d like!

The Bottom Line:  Apparently this is the ‘best’ of the movies Twilight has to offer.  I can believe that.  It’s bearable, but I nearly lost it a few times.  Between Stewarts 2×4 acting, the pitiful effects, and the name Renesmee, I was in stitches.  If you’ve seen the other movies, this one won’t seem so bad (I’ve heard), but this really is a terrible movie when considered on its own.  Really, really, terrible.

There are, perhaps, two characteristics of a classic. One is that it remains in the memory long after it should’ve. The other is that it changes the films that come after it. It’s hard to admit it, but Gore Verbinski’s The Ring is a modern classic.

The Ring remake was released in 2002. It was based on a Japanese film that had a great concept, but would be too subtle for Western audiences. Producer Roy Lee generally gets credit for ushering over this movie from Japan. After the success of this film, he got slammed with work, becoming the go-to agent for Asian remakes.

In the last decade there has been an influx of popular Asian films that have no basis in martial arts, and it’s not stopping anytime soon. That is directly attributable to this film, which made roughly $250 million dollars on a budget of less than $50 million.

Intentionally made to be a PG-13, The Ring steers away from implicit horrors, which has become a trend as well. The last five years alone have been an American horror renaissance of smart, subtle films. It would be hyperbole to suggest that that has occurred solely because of The Ring, but I do think it had some relevance in influencing the films that came after it.

A recent film (Scott Derrickson’s Sinister, to be exact) understood how The Ring was structured, and imitated a lot of those elements (except the most important one!) and that’s when it hit me. The Ring had changed things.

The Ring does an awful lot of things right.

In the first place, Director Gore Verbinski and Cinematographer/Director of Photography Bojan Bazelli establish the film in a washed out color palette. Between that and the decision to film in Seattle, the film has an inherent darkness even in scenes where nothing sinister happens.

The screenplay from Ehren Kruger wastes no time getting right into movie. I’ve read that it’s a common rule that scripts need to engage their audience at the 20 minute mark, or they’ve lost their audience. It is always interesting to see how writers negotiate that concept. Kruger simply starts the film immediately with two teenage girls that introduce the concept.

The character bits start at eight and a half minutes in, which simultaneously begins to set up things that will be explored later. Again, this is a dark film visually, which I think helps the special effects look even better.

The film introduces  Rachel (Naomi Watts) as a busy, aggressive mother and Aidan (David Dorfman) as an intelligent, sensitive, but oddly stilted child (autism anyone?). Their dynamic is unsettling. The setting is unsettling. And nothing has really happened yet.

At this point The Ring slows down to a halt, and all good horror movie buffs know when to relax and just endure bits like this. There’s even some rather ambiguous slow piano playing.  There has been a death, and there’s some nice understated bits after the funeral and the girls are talking in the kitchen about what happened-

and then bam!

They open the closet, and show you what happened from the beginning of the movie. It’s out of sequence and done completely when you aren’t ready for it. It is one of the finest quick jump scenes I have ever seen in film, and the moment when everyone at the theater I saw this in took the movie seriously. (Rick Baker did the makeup here, so its nice to see the presence of a true master.)

Men screamed. Women stopped texting. The rumble of bored low-level conversation became a whimper. No one ever recovered from that moment.

Oddly enough, it is the only thing about this movie that hasn’t been replicated, even though it was the most effective idea. Show people things when they’re not ready to see them. Use their knowledge of film tropes against them. From this point on, The Ring let viewers know that it couldn’t be trusted.

The script kicks in here, because the film becomes a mystery. What is this videotape that kills everyone that watches it, and where can it be found?

Rachel watches the tape in a creepy cabin. Now she is cursed, and SOMETHING is coming. Because he has already violated our trust in the beginning, Verbinski does the smart thing, he lets the sound design and Hans Zimmer take over. And then he frames a lot of shots like there something outside of the frame. Because he established earlier in the film that anything could happen at any time, you spend the rest of the time waiting for something horrible.

The Ring proceeds from there. As a brief summary (for the two people that don’t know) the plot concerns a girl (of indeterminate origin) with the psychic ability to project images directly into peoples minds. Out of desperation, her family attacks her and throws her into a well. Instead of solving the problem, it makes it worse, the girl (Samara) manifests herself through the television that she relentlessly watched the in barn.

That’s right, in one of the great horror movie reveals, it turns out that Samara has been climbing out of people’s televisions and scaring them to death.

After The Ring, there was a run of movies where people were being by various haunted technologies. Cameras, websites, 35 millimeter film, one wonders if there was a movie about an evil toaster.

Director Gore Verbinski was propelled to an A-list career, which is still in its prime. Before The Ring he had done the oddly nightmarish Mouse Hunt. Right now he is preparing Johnny Depp in the Lone Ranger.

Horror films changed as well. The Ring immediately illustrated the difference between Western ghost/curse films and Eastern ones. In the West, there is a way out, a way to end the curse, to put the tormented soul to rest.

In Eastern movies? You just die. You lose. (Post-war Japanese film isn’t known for its optimism.) Horror movies now have more and more of the inexorable ending, and not because they’re simply trying to establish sequels. There is a different sensibility to horror now, and I think The Ring was the beginning of that change.

Hurmph.

Disney.

Lucas.

Star…Wars…

To take a page from a whiney Darth Vader *Ahem*…NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

*Deep Breath* -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

This is just terrible, selling Lucasfilms makes sense, because it was for over four billion dollars.  I get why you would want to make that much money, and Pixar was already sold to Disney back in the day, so this is the next logical step.  BUT, and there is a but), WHY ARE THEY COMMITTING TO ANOTHER STAR WARS?!?!? 

They say they want one done and in theatres by 2015, which is a ambitious date to say, not that they couldn’t do it by then, and I’m sure there’s no shortage of scripts to choose from.  The main problem is, what are they going to do?  Here are some things I think they could/should do:

• A cartoon – The Star Wars franchise has enjoyed a rather popular run as a stylized cartoon series on Teletoon, or Cartoon Network, or whatever.  I think that if they took a serious tone and gave it some work, a cartoon would be bearable for the hardcore fans (such as moi)
• Shadows of the Empire – This would be AWESOME!  Seriously, if they just wanted to put out one movie to make 700 million dollars, this would be the way to do it.  You wouldn’t piss people off, you’d be able to capture the tone of the older movies, and you wouldn’t need to bring back old actors to fill their career-making roles.  Shadows is set between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, and focuses on Dash Rendar, who is basically a cardboard cutout of Han Solo, but it’s entertaining and nicely in canon.
• Ep. 7, 8, 9 – This is my worst nightmare.  I’m pretty deeply invested in the post-movie universe developed by the books, and how closely do you think that Disney will follow it?  Would zero, zero closely be an accurate estimate?  Probably.  These will be super-digital super-jedi, crapstraveganza!  It would be absolutely heartbreasking for me to see these movies, as they’d be cheapening and simply shitting on the unique and terrific accomplishments of the original trilogy.

Long story short, I really, REALLY, don’t like that there’s even been a new movie announced, let along planned.  If it ever gets made, I’ll have to see it, but I”m going to be doing so under protest.  Oh, and who care’s that Lucasfilms were bought by Disney?  Really, they’re not that different.

First things first, you need to be in the right mindset to see this movie.  It’s a long movie, but it is a good movie.  One thing I must say before anything else is that the pacing this movie moves along at is absolutely perfect.  It drops just enough information at precisely the right time for you to figure out something which will occur 5 minutes away, but will only move to bigger questions which are addressed in an hour and a half.  The chronology/timeline of the movie deceives you into thinking it’s a pulp movie, with the bits all thrown into the air and reassembled at random, but it’s much more clever than that.  Everything fits into place where it should (at least I think it does), and the payoff from the questions asked throughout the film is satisfactory by the end.

This movie is very thematic, but subtle.  I guarantee there will be college papers written about this movie for decades to come.  It`s all about people overcoming social barriers in humanity`s past, present, and future.  But there`s so much more.  Actors portray different people, but they generally have the same role through time (with some choice exceptions), drawing more and more attention to who plays what role develops ideas and themes further.  I think with more and more viewings of this picture, more themes may present themselves and the current ones I can identify will change.

I’m going to continue sucking this movie off by gushing over the way it’s been constructed from a film-making perspective.  It’s very obvious that this was a labor of love for everyone involved.  The acting chops shown here were astounding, with particular kudos given to Tom Hanks and Halle Berry, but there isn’t one weak link in the cast.  The visuals are very attention-grabbing, and the action scenes are well-done but not over-the-top (in fact, there’s some pretty gritty gore).  The score is moving, and accents the mood and tone of the film in a very distinct way.  Hell, even the prosthetics and costume designs are out of this world.  In the end credits, they go through who played what characters, similar to the end of the Simpsons movie showing a picture next to a name, and even though I managed to catch a few cunning ones I was blown away at how different each character looked from their respective actor.

It wasn’t all unicorn farts though.  The rushed pace in areas, particularly the beginning, could be a bit jarring to a casual observer.  This is the reason I say you must be in the mood to devote 3 hours of intense concentration to a film in order to enjoy this one.  Also, there are some scenes set in the future which almost require subtitles, although the future-language is quite clever.  Also plaguing this movie are the allusions to other, I don’t want to say better movies.  Without giving anything away, there is some Gun-fu from Equilibrium, a dystopian future reminiscent of Blade Runner, and it namedrops some fairly blunt movie references which pan out to be straightforward copies of concept.  It doesn’t ruin Cloud Atlas, but I’m trying my best to be objective.

The bottom line:  I really liked this movie, and I want to see it again but not immediately.  I’ve got a feeling that now that I’ve got the basis of the movie down I can sit back and pay attention to the fine print, looking at how it all comes together.  I almost want to keep lists and make charts to try to put the whole thing together, but I think that I won’t need to.  It’s an emotional rollercoaster, a mind-bending sci-fi, and tragic romance, and a tale of morality in one large and pleasantly engaging package.

Oh, and Hugo Weaving is awesome.