The air becomes toxic.

A toxic air of intolerability, a precipitation of doubt

Sapping the heat from the permafrost.

And why can’t I simply live? asks the seed [thought], frozen,

Suspended, in non-animata. Not yet knowing the feel of Spring

How the liquid heat feels of life fulfilled , of rivulets coursing

With spontaneity , and arms outstretched, the green skin soaking

The first light in a morning

It wonders if it might- (ever) to such feelings, make a sound, an oratorio (for them)

Is there someone to hear it? silly seed, there is no one of our species with ears, (not yet)

These are still in the darkness of the days

leaving their trace

On the grey smudgy pane

The toxic rain of your desolation, has not finished washing.

© 2013 by Matthew Kenneth Kosak

  I have meant to write a new blog post for hours, but instead, I spent that time faffing about with my blog’s appearance, trying to get it just right. Make it look sophisticated. Intriguing. As visually stimulating as it is intellectually energizing.

Just as I have spent the last few months laboring, love mingled with terror, over my graduate thesis, a novel. Sending it off with a sense of trust while Spandau Ballet’s song “True” echoed throughout the post office.

Now I am humbled.

I was approved for graduation on 17 April, 2013, which is beyond wonderful, beyond words right now because it is so fresh.

An article I wrote for Identity Magazine (www.identitymagazine.net) discussing how to live a full life after divorce was published on 18 April, 2013.

But humility as well as celebration. I have recently found blogs written by two unbelievably talented Goddard College faculty members, Elena Georgiou and Bhanu Kapil. Their ability to express emotions and tell stories without naming that very thing they are writing about is amazing.

Then there are the fantastic blogs by fellow Goddard students, including Eileen Brunetto, Mia Siegert, Lizz Schumer, and Anne Bean. The Goddard students who I personally know who have books out or who soon will, including Lizz Schumer and gifted poet Chera Hammons. When I was Chera’s age, I was lost. Trying, but not focused, sharp like a laser, on developing my talent.

Like Jack London, I had “no mentor but myself” at that time.

Inspired. Numb. Hopeful. Delicate as a gossamer fairy wing. Shouting to the sky, YES!

Even through the pain. Maybe because of the pain.

Deep breath.

I intend to build the literary life I have always wanted. My future is up to me to choose, you see.

As is yours.

We may not be able to choose or control certain circumstances, but we can choose to validate ourselves, to eat well, to exercise, to love, to bless, to let go of regrets, because holding onto them wastes too much energy. Plus rolling in regret over past actions is just not fun.

So I am in the construction business now, building a life focused on writing and reading and soaking in every moment of life that I can. The foundation and scaffolding have been present for awhile. Now the walls are forming, support beams rising, empty space being filled with solid material.

Indestructible? No.

But it exists. That is what matters. My actions are solid, and they move me forward daily.

During my two years in the Goddard College Masters of Fine Arts in Creative Writing program, I have learned how difficult writing really is, that you have to be willing to open up a vein every time you sit in front of a blank page, starting over each day, to get at the truth.

At YOUR truth.

As I have heard for two years, trust the process. Trust yourself. See what is, and ask “What if?”

Until next time,

A Lady (Pamela)

       I write this to you upon returning from a trip to Plainfield, Vermont, to the campus of Goddard College, for the spring 2013 semester residency. What goes on at a residency, you may ask, and what is the point?

The readings were encouraging, humbling, amusing, sobering, and most of all, uplifting. I acquired insights, tips, valuable real-world information, and improved aesthetic sensibilities from the rich selection of workshops offered, led by students, faculty, and visiting writers. It is good to hear things from people who know what they are talking about, because they have been there. And I realized, with mixed feelings as I approach my final semester at Goddard (if all goes as planned and I graduate on schedule), from watching the graduating students just how much Goddard means to me. What a magnificent accomplishment to earn a Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing from the country’s pioneering low-residency educational program, but also how sad to know one will not be returning in six months to see the mountains in full splendor under a summer sky, smell the fresh, earthy conifers, sit in the terraced garden and look for woodchucks shyly peeking out from amongst the tall plants.

Goddard cannot be separated from the people associated with it, as any important, life-changing event cannot. For people are the glue that holds life together. People we care about, people from whom we learn, laugh with, cry with, disappoint, and hold tightly in a hug–all of this is life. Not acquiring money, or wealth, or fame.

Life is a tapestry of people woven together. This past week, all of us dove down deeply into ourselves, into one another, into our fears, our hopes, but most of all, our dedication to becoming writers who can say what each of us must say most effectively, in our truest voices.

We dove down, and we learned how much we have to learn. And yet we persist. That is the beauty of everyone I know connected with Goddard, from students to faculty to staff. We realize how far we have to go, that the journey begins anew with each writing project, no matter how long one has been writing, and we still dive in, prepared for the splash and the travel back to our truest selves, which shine.

The brave, dedicated people I have spent the past week with are lights in the dark, guiding posts pointing the way forward.

Being around these beautiful, glowing talents, each and every one, and learning from them that I am not on this journey alone, is worth diving into the deep for a good but long and trying swim. You may, perhaps, want to know why.

Because, in the words of songwriter Bob Mould: “I can see a little light…”

Yours, until next time,

A Lady (Pamela Mooman)

It is a misty morning here in West Marin. The light is smoke green and you can smell Winter whispering in the grey tones, and Fall calling from the gold tones. I am in a two week journey of inquiry right now. Where every moment I ask myself, what I am thinking about and try to give language to it so I can discover some new ways of moving in the world. In my work it is of the utmost interest and importance to me how we access our OWN information. Sometimes when we hit it head on, we miss it. It may be better to enter in through the door in the heart to catch ourselves by surprise. Yes that is possible. My Muse lives from this space of surprise and courtship. While I was writing a post for my Color of Woman almost-graduate-teachers about how to LIVE FROM your own material, instead of writing an article I ended up writing a story. Go figure. I am an artist after all. Here is a page from that story.

Signed in mist,
Shiloh Sophia

Who Are You Anyway?

A Parable from the Red Thread Café

with Shiloh Sophia

One fine day a young woman

set out on a journey.

She traveled many days,

she was looking for who she was.

She was told it was time to wake up

and create her life. That she was too

old to be a dreamer any longer.

So off she went.

She traveled many days

where almost nothing happened.

She she began to look deeper.

She looked under rock

and inside of wave

and up in the trees

and talked to the birds

and smelled the wild roses.
She found parts of herself everywhere.

She kept asking, But…who am I?

Rock said, you are part of me,

you are ancient and forever.

Wave said, you are me,

you are powerful and ever moving.

Tree said, I am all that is, we are life.

Bluebirds of happiness said,

it doesn’t matter who you are,

let’s fly together and find happiness everywhere.

When she met Wild Rose,

something happened inside of her heart,

but she wasn’t sure what.

Wild Rose said, come closer and enter beauty,

I am you. You are me. I have thorns to guard

off those who would try to take my life.

I have seeds a plenty to make many many rose-filled lives.

I have the scent of heaven in my petals. Come and smell me.

I have the nourishment of the sun for healing if you consume me.

I have the color red to remind us we are made for love,

from love itself.

Each place she went she learned something,

about who she was but there was something

missing that she didn’t have words for.

You know how it is, when you

miss someone and you don’t know who.

That is how she felt, but who she missed

was herself. The self she thought she might be

but didn’t really know for sure, either.

She was neither happy nor sad,

she was just searching, and albeit

somewhat weary with the quest.

She wondered what she would

tell the folks back home about

talking to rocks and birds.

They would say,

You were born this way,

but it is time to grow up.

As she traveled along she gathered things

in her medicine basket. Tiny stories and heart

shaped stones and feathers…thinking

that at some point they would all fit together

and make some kind of sense. But, was a quest

supposed to make sense? She wasn’t even sure

about that.

Each day as she journeyed she found hope,

and often she found loss as well, but always

inspiration. She braided them together to

keep her faith in continuing on her path.

Some days she felt like quitting, stopping.

Going back to where she came from

and doing what was expected of a young

woman entering the world. But.

She didn’t.

She kept going.

She was still a young woman,

but many thought she should marry

or have a good job somewhere.

The way they treated her was

as if time was running out.

She didn’t believe this or understand

it but of course, it caused her

anxiety. Which she was hoping

the quest would get rid of since

it made her clench her jaw together.

She wanted to be free,

wasn’t that an acceptable way

to live in this life? A free woman?

She didn’t know many.

Things didn’t turn out the way she

thought, it is true. She was somewhat’

disillusioned by it… life just wasn’t

what she thought it would be,

when she was a very young girl.

She wondered if other people felt how

she did. Open. Willing. Dismayed.

Hopeful. Anxious. Passionate. Surrendered.

And filled with longing.

To belong? What was that sense she had

anyway of wanting to belong?

One day as she was walking

she happened upon a café

at the edge of the earth where

the road seemed to meet the sky.

She knew it was time for a cup

of tea and some journaling

about everything that was written

in her heart.

The sign said: The Red Thread Café

The Café Between Tomorrow and Today.

She walked in and the little hairs

on her arm stood up to attention.

There was a very old man

and a very old woman standing there

having a conversation behind the counter.

They were so engaged in whatever

it was they were saying they didn’t even

notice her slip to a table in the back of the café.

She noticed then that the OPEN sign

had not been turned yet.

She wasn’t sure what to do

so she became as invisible as

possible with the hopes of hearing

what they were saying

which was more important

than being discovered or

drinking tea.

They were drinking from

white cups with red threads

tied to the handles and talking

with their hands passionately.

“I have a question for you”

he said.

“I have an answer, in the form of question for you.”

she said.

He said: Who are you anyway?”

The young woman wrote

down everything she could

of their conversation.

Everything she needed to know

for this moment

was shared in this conversation.

After some time they looked at her,

and said – Who are you?
She said: I am Wild Rose

Shiloh Sophia

p.s. the Cafe between tomorrow and today was something that my former husband and I used to say all the time. Each day we had cafe – as if it was the most important thing in the whole world.

Two days after the Making Light Workshop, three of the original (masochistic?) participants joined three more new ones for a part two: Finding Light. I originally decided to run these as a pair to collaborate with photographer Kristian Dowling, who was unfortunately not able to make either one of the workshops in the end. No biggie.

Quartered. Sony RX100

The underlying point behind the pair of workshop sessions was that street and studio are far more related than you might think: how are you going to create stunning light and compositions if you don’t know what it looks like? Similarly, how is one going to recognize it if you don’t know what is possible when all of the elements of the photograph are within the control of the photographer?

Why would this not be street photography? Olympus OM-D, ZD60/2.8

We started off with the obligatory coffee, a discussion on what street photography is and isn’t, and some thoughts on etiquette, before finishing with a quick critique of participant images. Street photography, to me, is something that is a very ill-defined genre (and to be the subject of another article, I think) – let’s just say for now that anything you see when walking is fair game – people, street scenes, abstracts, architecture. I generally approach it from a reportage perspective. On the subject of etiquette, I think it’s simple: don’t do anything you wouldn’t want done to you. This includes unflattering images and invasion of personal space.

Untitled. Sony RX100

For the first hour or so, we just walked – no cameras were allowed. This was to encourage participants to start seeing and looking for frames; I would stop and point out interesting things, compositions, geometries and other potential shots, to the point that before we reached the first staging point, there were several cameras out…

Exercise one covered seeing in place: conveniently, the place I selected for lunch was deliberately done so because of both the quality of its beef noodles, as well more importantly, the fact that it was an extremely rich photographic hunting ground. Once duly refueled, the participants were required to stay in their seats, and shoot from that position. Lens changes were allowed. This forced them to think carefully about perspectives, foregrounds, potentially intrusive elements, as well as of course composition and light.

Shooting in place. It forces you to find compositions in a scene; those little documentary moments.

For the second exercise we did something I like to call ‘stages’. The stage, in street photography, is a background or backdrop with a interesting texture or light; it’s a good way of teaching anticipation and timing because the composition is predetermined, and the photographer just waits for subject to walk through the right portion of the stage before pressing the shutter button.

A staged example. Sony RX100

Next came timing and anticipation – I like to use point and shoots to teach this because they have just about the right amount of shutter lag to represent your reaction time when shooting with a responsive camera; however for this exercise we substituted with a 2-second self timer.

Practicing timing with the help of a handy wall, and lots of pedestrians. The objective was to trap the pedestrian at the very edge of the wall – but while the 2-second self timer was running. Olympus OM-D, ZD60/2.8

Another tool I like to use is layering; this can be achieved by means of reflections, stacked foregrounds and backgrounds, or longer perspectives – or perhaps a combination of all three. This technique works quite well when there’s a lot of glass around, but becomes more challenging when you are in a ‘dirty’ environment and nothing is clean or reflective.

Bus reflections. Olympus OM-D, ZD60/2.8

The final, and most difficult exercise of the day was to learn to hold your ground and shoot through people – this lets you get very, very close indeed, to the point of having headshots with a 50mm. It requires some courage to position yourself in the middle of a stream of pedestrians, but once the participants built up their confidence, it became easy – just look like you belong.

Shoot through exercise. Sony RX100

And a result of this technique. Olympus OM-D, ZD60/2.8

Putting everything together wrapped up the day – an opportunity for the participants to figure out which of the techniques best suited their style by just shooting anything and everything – and I’m pleased to report a huge improvement in composition and angle from the images I saw at the first briefing. I think what was most telling is that none of them really had the same style – it was a consistent mix of the various techniques taught, and with different subjects. Well done!

Divided reality – my personal shot of the day. Note leading lines, quadrants, context, perspective use, human elements…Sony RX100

Based on the success and feedback of this session, I’ll probably be doing another introduction to street photography workshop in Kuala Lumpur at some point, as well as a standalone introduction to Photoshop day – both will be for a very limited number of participants – I like to keep things small because it allows me to give each person more attention – please visit again regularly for updates. MT

A visual metaphor for our banking system. Sony RX100

____________

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I’m often overwhelmed by the pain I see around me – from a teenage boy getting raped on the street because he walked too late at night, to a 5-year-old girl who has not only been molested but also doesn’t know the love of a mother even though she lives with her.

From a young man who has lived on the streets since he was nine and just can’t believe we want to love him. To a homeless kid asking us to help him with a bullet wound he got because he was so hungry he stole some food.

But I’m also moved by the sheer joy I see in the deepest of darkness. From the little boy who says he comes to our shelter, “Because you hug me.” To an 80-year-old crippled woman on the street saying “Blessings” because I gave her 50 cents.

To a handful of formerly street kids succeeding in school because we told them, “We believe in you, and so does our God.” To that same 5-year-old girl saying, “I love you,” with a hug that could take your breath away.

I have never felt a greater joy than when I can show the unconditional love of our Savior to someone who had altogether given up that it existed.

Our God is here, and I see him fighting the deepest of darkness. Among the drugs, the prostitution, the incredible pain, the Almighty reigns in me and I’m thankful I can put on my boxing gloves and help.

I woke up today with a sick stomach, somewhat thanking the Universe for this ill feeling, I went downstairs to eat breakfast. I saw my brother and told him that I am not feeling well and I assume that he has already predicted how my day would end up. I decided to stay home and sleep for the next few hours.

I woke up after 3 hours, thinking to myself, what now? What’s next? It felt like I have come to that point in my young life (yes, I call myself young because I pretty much am) where I can say that I am ready to move on to other things. Such drama huh? I couldn’t agree with you more dear Reader. Just to give you an idea, here are my thoughts earlier today while lying on my bed overdosing on caffeine.

1.) I am working for a good company and I am blessed that the higher ups believe in me.

2.) However, I am still unhappy.

3.) I belong someplace else. I am 100% sure.

4.) I want a Life to Live. No regrets.

And as Steve Jobs playfully stated,

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.”

Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/the-13-most-memorable-quotes-from-steve-jobs-2011-10#on-your-working-life-11#ixzz1mR9t5OnT

I am coming Home and I have never been this excited. What’s going to happen next? I have no idea. Uncertainty is so beautiful.

Speaking of uncertainties, I celebrated Valentines with my partner in crime—Miguel, who by the way, was early yesterday. You deserve to be recognized for being early. And I apologize for not being able to control myself. I kept poking your armpits relentlessly and it was fun. Trust me, it was FUN. Anyway, I didn’t know what his plan was. I’ve always enjoyed surprises and I know that he has always been good at organizing surprises. I, on the other hand, just expected to be swept off my feet just because this is one of a few times in a year where I am allowed to feel a little girly. Maybe just a little.

Before lunch, I received a call from Miguel asking me if I can meet him at my office ground floor. I knew he was up to something but didn’t know what it was. When I got down, I saw him holding a paper bag filled with goodies. What was in it?

Exhibit A: Large Coke float from Mc Donalds

Exhibit B: Large fries from Mc Donalds

Exhibit C: A container with home cooked chicken nuggets and lots of ketchup

Exhibit D: A box of Silvanas all the way from Dumaguete

Exhibit E: Post Its with short messages

Not only was I happy with the food, I was pleased with his words. I haven’t received a personalized note in the longest time and this made me ecstatic. Pictures to follow.

We went to Itallianis for dinner to cap off the night. While eating, he took out a Ticketnet envelope and showed it to me. Here’s our exact conversation:

Me: Ano yan? (smiling)

Miguel: Envelope, galing kay Bum.

Me: Ahh, envelope lang.

Miguel: I got you something else.

(Yes, I felt bad. I thought he got me Death Cab for Cutie tickets.)

After a few seconds, he handed the same envelope to me, but this time it did contain something.

This boy sure knows how to surprise me.

I am coming for you Ben Gibbard and the rest of Death Cab for Cutie. See you on March 5 kids.

To my darling, thank you for making yesterday a relaxing and fun day for both of us. I love you.

I like it when you sing to me.

Lights will guide you home.

“Look for the light” I always say. Leave your artificial light at home and just grab your camera!Lighting is the photographers voice. It’s the lead vocal in the band, the main course in a meal and the rhythm in a song. The right lighting can make or break the quality of an image. Too many times I see photographers over lighting their subjects by flooding their subject with direct frontal light There’s nothing less romantic, less emotional, less moving than that.

I knew a wedding photographer who shot everything with a flash. It didn’t matter what the composition was he always blinded the subject with a brightly lite flash. My advice to him was shoot your next wedding with natural light only! He thought I was crazy.  I got a call a week later thanking me after her followed my advice that he made some of the best images of his life!

There are so many beautiful different kind of light. Shooting inside or out, I’m a firm believer you can shoot in any kind of light if you just look around you. There’s back lighting , (my particular favorite), side split lighting, Rembrandt lighting, flat front light, dappled patterned light and silhouette lighting. Once you understand natural light and what to do with it you’ll be able to emulate a particular lighting pattern in a studio setting using artificial lights if you have to. Below are sample images of these lighting styles. I used exclusively natural light for all of these images.

One particular day, I was having a really tough time. I felt ugly and unloved and I wanted to just crawl into a hole and never come out. I didn’t want the world to see me. Well, I went into the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror. This was at a time that I was learning how to talk to myself nicely – so I stopped mid-self-deprecating-thought and tried to tell myself how beautiful I was.

Here is the tricky part – I WAS not beautiful at that moment!! So telling myself these things was really hard to do. I was still in my sweat pants, my hair was a mess, yesterday’s make-up was smeared under my eyes, my shirt was tight around my unflattering mid-section (it was shortly after having a baby – so it was even worse than normal), and I didn’t have much to go on for the ‘you are beautiful’ comments.

I started to think about all of God’s creations. He makes them beautiful. In fact, in the Bible I remember reading that he wanted Adam and Eve to care for all the earth. God wanted them (and us) to care for things on the Earth and BEAUTIFY them. This brings God joy.

It reminded me of a rose bush. Roses are already beautiful, just like God designed. However, if they are left uncared for they can get a little out of hand and the thorny branches start growing in every direction. If the branches are pruned and shaped – then even more beautiful roses grow and the bush reaches a potential that it wasn’t able to without the grooming process.

I relate this to us. We are already beautiful. However, if we do not care for ourselves and take a moment to beautify ourselves we will not live up to our truly beautiful potential.

Now I am not saying that we should all go get plastic surgery and wear 2 tons of makeup to try to make us perfect… But what I am trying to say is that IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING – YOU TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT. I love my children so I do not neglect their needs. I love my home so I do not let it take care of itself. I love my husband so I serve him where I can.

So here is what I have discovered about making this promise to myself and I have been suprised at the effect it has had on my life

- It has helped with my self confidence. When I do not feel embarrassed or self conscience, it helps to hold my head up high

- It has helped my feelings of self worth. When I view myself as a beautiful creation of God and by taking care of this gift God has given me, I can’t help but love myself more.

- It has helped me with depression! In fact, I noticed that on the days where I am really busy or just don’t feel like getting ready for the day (because I occassionally still do that), I have a tendency to feel a little more stressed or hopeless than on the other days. I have found that on these days, it helps to stop what I’m doing and
Go to my room.
Get dressed.
Do my hair. (even if it is just brushed into a nicer pony tail)
Brush my teeth.
Apply makeup or add lipstick.
Put on some good smelling lotion and deodorant.
And I feel like a ‘new’ lady!!

I did not truly realize the effect this had on my life until a couple of weeks ago while I was at a book retreat with 5 other ladies. It was afternoon and we were about to eat lunch. I had gone upstairs to get ready (basically what I described above) and when I came down all of them said “Wow! Where are you going?” I replied by saying “Sorry, but I didn’t do this for you… I did it for myself.” I had been having kind of a bummer of a day and couldn’t shake my negativity and it wasn’t UNTIL I beautified my outsides that I was able to lift my spirits.

I am a firm believer that our physical and spiritual bodies are intricately combined. We must take care of BOTH of them. I am very grateful for this understanding… it has greatly blessed my life.

Since God is love, the closer we are to him, then the more we can experience love.  It is very important that we love God.  He does not need our love (although I’m sure he desires it), but we certainly need to love Him.  “For what we love determines what we seek.  What we seek determines what we think and do.  What we think and do determines who we are – and who we will become.” (Deiter F. Uchdorf November 2009 Ensign)

 President Uchtdorf also states ”As we draw near to Heavenly Father, we become more holy.  And as we become more holy, we will overcome disbelief and our souls will be filled with His blessed light.  As we align our lives with this supernal light, it leads us out of darkness and toward greater light.  This greater light leads to the unspeakable ministerings of the Holy Spirit, and the veil between heaven and earth can become thin.”

There will be times in your life when the darkness will seem so thick that you will not know how to find the light.  It is very important that during these times you learn to SEE, FEEL, and LISTEN for HIS LIGHT and LOVE.  For expample:  The majesty and beauty of the skies, the rays of sunshine cascading upon the mountain , the reflection of light on a still lake, the rainbow after a storm, the wonder of a newly blooming flower, the whispering wind blowing through your hair, the twinkle in someone’s eye, the random act of service, the hug from a loved one, the words of a hymn, the laughter of a child, and the gentle nudgings of the Spirit..   All of these things are evidence that He loves YOU! 

I promise you that the more you live in the Light and Love of Christ… the Love of God… you will feel immense joy and peace.  his love is infinite and all consuming.  Then once you are filled with this Love, your eyes and countenance will shine and you will radiate a Light so that others will see evidence of Him through you.