Remember in Finding Nemo when they go into the jetstream water?  The turtles and Nemo zip through the water…this reminded me of our lives.  Unfortunately, the world has made us think that hottest new clothes will make you the most popular person, get you all the friends you could ever want, etc.  (I’m not saying that you can’t have the newest clothes, just that if you think that you will suddenly get something you don’t already have, it’s most likely not going to happen)  But is this realistic?

The answer is no.  The Lord loves the you the way that you are.  He made you different then everybody else in the world (Wow!  Can you imagine that!  Do you know how many people their are on this earth?).  Jesus will love you forever no matter what you do, who you are, or what you dad does.  John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

marking the spot where

your treasure is buried -

have you found it yet?

marking the spot where

your treasure is buried -

have you found it yet?

But things are going really well for me now. I’ve just started work for the summer- got an internship in college so I’m doing research and building microscopes- and I’m absolutely loving it so far. I feel like I’ve really found my place in life. I know that’s a pretty big statement for someone who’s only 20, but somehow I know that physics is just what I’m meant to do. I’m not even sure how to explain this feeling, but it’s so much more than simply finding the subject interesting. Even the people in the department are wonderful. There was a time not so long ago when people went out of their way to avoid me; today post grad students who didn’t even have to be around me actually came over to me to invite me out for coffee. Things are so different now to how they were in school, but I’m not going to look back at those days in hatred anymore. I’m going to look back and be thankful for them, because they make me appreciate the good things all the more. 

There was a time in school when all I felt was darkness and unhappiness. If I could go back in time and tell my past self that I’d be smiling all the way home on the bus in the evenings now, I know my past self wouldn’t believe it. But if I can find this kinda of happiness, I honestly believe everyone can- the key is not giving up hope :)

Thanks for reading
-Qcat

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Artist: Linzi Lynn; Acrylic, 2012, Painting “WINDSWEPT”

I have a friend who happens to be really great at writing, and seeing a little bit of her writing inspired me to create this post.

It is true that we are always looking for answers to our everyday questions, we look for them practically everywhere, and the more something intrigues you, it makes you look further for the answer, in every corner, every nook, we tend to seek the answer often in other people, in a philosophy, someone’s opinion, in physics, manuals, Jesus, saints, books, we seek for a sign, we look and search for  answers  constantly, and if you think about it, it happens more often than we could notice.

This little treasure I read from my friend was a short tale about a boy named Luca who always wandered around this particular field on his way back home at night after his duties, he used to lay down in the grass looking at the silvery moon surrounded by all the dashing stars, this glow reflected beautifully over the grass which made the whole landscape alluring and he wondered , every time, how would it be like to be the moon and see the world from its perspective and how would it feel to be surrounded by all those stars and how to keep them all quite while shining bright louder than any sound the could make.

This I think is some kind of metaphor  about our deepest questions in life and as the tale continued I have to admit was curious about the rest of the story but never really did I stop at thinking what it could mean.

So eventually luca stumbles into a dead man and prays for him with a rock he had found days ago and swore was a piece of the moon,  as he was praying for the man the rock started to shine and shine more, and it became some sort of sphere with a message.

Now this is the point where you’ll hate me because I don’t remember what the message said, the point is Luca didn’t understand it, but he always searched for his answers along the way he grew old and had a son, when he asked Luca if he had finally found the answer Luca told him that he didn’t but it was because he never stopped looking that he learned a lot of other things and that he discovered that the only way someone could find their answers wasn’t looking in other things because the answer to everything in our lives is within us.

As you can imagine (or not) Luca died just after saying this words and he might as well had given his son the very best gift in life, which I think is learning to look inside himself.

You see it is true that the answer is always within us, I like to compare it as when someone has an instinct or a “feeling” you know someone just does something they apparently didn’t think about it often very spontaneously or against the odds but with defined certainty that when you ask “how did you know? They just answered I just had a good/bad feeling or I just knew it would work, it isn’t really just “a feeling” it’s because the answer is always there waiting to be discovered and used, we just need to learn to look into ourselves, and know ourselves well, a little bit of meditation every day can help us achieve this a little bit faster, after that all you need is confidence in yourself, because know that you know the answer you have to trust you truly know it and embrace it.

I hope we (yes I include myself 100 %) learn to look inside ourselves carefully, and trust that we are a whole self and we have the capacity of resolving any situation in our lives, we need to understand we have the control of our life and the answer to every question, cause we do.

Love, Une Fleur de Lis.

Curls and Kisses xo

When I began, I was enthusiastic even though I was scared of the leap. I knew that everything that would occur in the adventure will be beneficial, fulfilling, and …. successful.  In the process of this discussing the basics with friends that are holding me accountable to making the steps and leaps I was asked>> “What are you afraid of?”

“Failure”

“Letting people down”

“Letting God down”

…. and then … my A-Ha! moment…..

“I’m afraid of succeeding… huh… wow…. I’m afraid of success!”

Who knew???

Not me!

He knew though. My Adventure guide knew…. just like he knows the lay of the land, ruins in need of rebuilding, treasures that are tucked away, the traps …. everything.

So… here I am … being honest and laying it out there for you. I have delayed. I have put my feet in cement. Well.. I HAD my feet in cement… now they are free after some jack-hammer action. This is a bit of what I’ve started… so far writing, studying, started my guitar lessons (via dvd), and praying …. fervent and focused. So He I am. Beginning to move. One foot in front of the other. Looking something like this:

 (I do not own this picture.. credit goes to tumbler goblue86)

Sincerely,
That chick

The answer is yes!

You could wear a potato sack as clothing, most of us do not. External expressions often mimic internal thoughts about oneself, in this case, the open-loft concept I live in allows me to constantly change things around, put up art, and adapt to whatever creative mindset I’m in at the time. My latest changes were to open the curtains and shed light on this space, right around the time I built this blog to shine a light on myself.

I will upload a picture shortly. Be patient. (:

The truth is, I’m not over IT yet — I’m not over the breakup which happened 3-4 months ago.

I’m not over how it all ended and how hurt I was and still am. That I haven’t forgiven everything and everybody, yet. I THOUGHT I am — I WANT IT TO BE OVER. I thought I’m okay from it already — I want to believe so. I want to feel better and feel moved-on already. I don’t want to linger further. But apparently, the hurt is still there and the wounds barely finished healing.

So no, I’m not ready for new relationships now. I want to be, though. Badly. Perhaps I do feel so – being ready – but the truth is, the heart can play tricks on us, and it often does. One moment it could feel so strong and so brave, only to whimper at the next disappointment or rejection. My heart simply isn’t ready I think. Not yet. [insert sad face]

My heart is not ready to trust again. I thought I could pull a good one on this; I thought I could pull through this easily. But apparently I am not. I’m powering through, and powering on, only to be SO DRAINED OUT. Because I have been merely forcing the pace of moving-on. Patience, this I absolutely lack. I thought I am smart enough this time to manage my trust issues. But NO, I failed terribly. TERRIBLY. I don’t trust the people that I go out on dates with. I can’t. And I constantly question their intentions and the things said to me. How can I be in the mood of dating when I’m not even in the mood of love? I am in the mode of constantly doubting, and that is just contrary to Loving. And I can’t go on like this. I shouldn’t keep on needing and expecting people to PROVE THEMSELVES to me — to see who could climb over those great walls that I’d built around myself.

“But isn’t it every girl’s dream to meet somebody who would impress her with his devotion and faith, and his ‘You’re THE ONE’ kind of determination??”

– Such a hopeless romantic, still.

I just haven’t let go yet — I had gone on building a thick wall around my heart. I have become ever so… defensive. I’m afraid of getting hurt. Why? I realize it’s because I’m STILL hurting. THAT’S why.

I can let go – I want to – but why haven’t I?

You will be all the more afraid of, and sensitive to, HURT when you’re actually/still/currently hurting.

Now.

Still.

Hurting.

From the past relationship.

For my current new relationships/friendships, I have been expecting much without putting in much in return. I am afraid of giving. I see it as losing. Putting in more than the other person in the equation does is like being on the losing end of the game. I just don’t wish to be the one who had been “played” at the end of everything, you know. But does that mean I have to be the “player” then? — This, I still do not know.

You see, I’m selfish. I know it as well. This is why I’m not ready to be out on the dating fields now. I would only be hurting people. And myself in the end.

And being haunted by the ghost of my past relationship and asking the other person (absolutely revolting) questions like “Do you like/love me?” and “How much do you like/love me?” (just as how I’d asked my ex) is just creepy and gross. I feel like puking from just knowing how that version of me, in that edition of love, hasn’t truly and completely died yet, after that love had been renounced as long dead and eternally irrecoverable. This feeling of being partly haunted and semi-possessed is sickening.

So now I am taking a break from all these. I have to. Nothing could be better than me embracing my Singlehood right now. To be fully submerged in the freedom from heartbreaks and #shitsyougetduringdating. To be young and free.

Until I’m ready again, I think.

I promise to do more than just letting my hair down next time.

Till next time.

x

nig

I hope through this blog you will get to know me personally as I share everything from my personal life and to my roller coaster journey in finding my own happiness. I will try to bring smile to your faces every time you read here. Please join me in my journey! ^^