I blame myself.

It was I who stayed out the previous night, drinking into the late hours and ensuring that my alertness the following morning would be dulled.  In the daze of my commute it is often difficult to recall even the familiar things that take up every day.  How could I be expected to remember an item stowed in the overhead compartment under those conditions?  My irresponsibility, and my own slow brain, caused me to lose my ukulele on that morning.  I am a fool and I have been stung with regret and a modicum of self-loathing since its loss.

Now I’ll hear songs that I used to strum and my chagrin is renewed.  I type this having been reminded by David Bowie’s “Ground Control to Major Tom” being played in a car commercial.  I have played other axes since then, but these have brought disappointment.  They don’t have the same feel as my own instrument.  They are too light or cannot hold a tuning.  Mine was everything I could’ve hoped for.  And now someone else in this world has it.  It is either a dishonest man’s Christmas gift to his child or a drifter’s new portable toilet.

It deserves so much better.  I should never have left it on that bus.

I didn’t even get to name her.

One thing starving writers may sometimes do to earn some quick cash is write copy for greeting cards.  I tried this but can’t get the hang of it.  I thought I’d write some silly and funny ones and see if they get published or released or whatever.  I figured it’d be easier to write the punchlines first and just figure out appropriate “me-to-you” setups to go along with them.  I came up with exactly one greeting card punchline:

…until you married that whore.

This punchline, I have found, is universal.  It could work for any occasion:

Birthdays always were your strong suit…

You graduated!  Congratulations!  The world was your oyster…

My condolences for your loss.  Your mother was always a calm, nurturing person…

Get me Hallmark on line 1!

Hey Finger Flock!

Graze on over to the PIT tomorrow night, as Finger will present our last show in this, our third season of sketch shows.  It’s been a long strange trip, and we’re wrapping it up with a bang by bringing back a few audience favorites.  Don’t miss it!  Worlds collide!  Fantasies come true!  Hakuna Matata!

Finger

Thursday, Nov 13 @ 9:30

The PIT

$8

It’s only after you lose your phone six times in eight years that your friends start sending you thing like this:

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2008/09/08/080908sh_shouts_ozols

I appreciate the moral support!

The government took control of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac today, so I thought I’d re-post something I wrote for my defunct personal blog back in January.  Enjoy:

In 2k1 the Fed did intervene

And low’r’d the int’rest rate to depths obscene.

To 1 percent did Greenspan set the banks

To fix us after all the dot-coms tanked.

At 1%, as you all doubtless know,}

Paying off a debt is a free throw,}

And mortg’ges can be had by all Joe Blows. }

The banks knew this; they opened up their vaults

And loaned their loans to borrowers with faults.

Have you had problem credit in the past?

Declared bankruptcy? Payment deadlines passed?

No worries, buddies, mortgages are yours!

At these rates you can pay them through your snores.

And thus did every willing sap get paid,

And each one bought a house, and homes were made.

Construction projects sprang up like a virus

To feed the rich American desirous.

A miracle occurred, in th’eyes of banks:

The default rates di’nt overflow their ranks.

Americans, it seemed, could all afford,

Their new financial burdens, and prob’ly more!

What untapped mother lode had they unearthed?

These subprime borr’wers had financial worth!

And so it seemed, and so the lenders sought

To loan out cash till everyone was bought.

And people borrowed! They could see no harm!

The market was hotter than hot or hotly-warm.

In time their houses surely would age well,

And they’d all profit nicely when they’d sell.

But right around this time, th’American nation

Was thrust into the throes of high inflation.

The dollar, once the stalwart of the world,

Was into th’toilet rigorously hurl’d.

Now Greenspan and the Fed did all they knew,

And raised the interest rate a point or two,

And higher still, to keep our cash alive,

They pegged the interest rate around a 5.

At 5 percent the subprime owners knew

That again they’d miss a house payment or two.

And people lost their homes and moved away,

It hurt, but th’economy’d be okay.

That is, unless the bankers had got grabby,

And came up with a scheme that turned out shabby.

(Of course, they did. A banker’s never happy.)

The risks involved with subprime debt were high,}

But nonetheless the banks agreed to try}

To sell their debts to anyone who’d buy.}

A mortgage bond is what a bank will call

A share of th’loans which drove suburban sprawl.

You buy a bond from some financing bank,

And make a profit if the loans don’t tank.

And so these bonds were sold most everywhere,

And index funds and hedge funds took a dare.

And mortgage bonds were sold to such ‘n array,

That no one knows who owns the risks today.

And soon the giant banks who drive the planet

Were paving o’er their vaults with so much granite.

For who would lend a trillion dollars to

A bank that might be dead before they knew?

At this the lending rates climbed into space,

And banks are closing up in poor disgrace.

The Fed has tried to pour cash on the fire,

That helps, but now inflation will be higher.

What’s worse? we ask, A million houses lost?

Or bankers’ greed like shrouds upon us toss’d?

There is no debt that pays back what it took,

And a banker’s not a banker, but a crook.

new album drops today

as would my panties if Donnie gave me the opportunity.

yeah you heard me.

last night was my last night at my crappy bartending job ive had for two years, i leave in 10 days a an entire month of travelling abroad, i just had a wonderful burrito, and just when i think life couldnt get any better..

Mark-Paul Gosselaar is back on tv!!

oh yes, i down right had a ZAck Attack when i saw the commercial for his new show “Raising the Bar” come on the screen. i dont even like law shows, but i will put it on mute and watch mr. morris while singing “Bayside is the school that cool and you know that its true…”

Just hours after reversing his decision to retire permanently as president of Pakistan, it was announced that Pervez Musharraf has been traded to the beleaguered Arizona Cardinals.

“He’ll make a great addition to the team,” said Kurt Warner, who had been competing with teammate Matt Leinart for the starting QB position.  “We’ve seen what he can do in the conflicted northwest region of Pakistan, so we’re confident he’ll bring change as leader of this franchise.”

Musharraf had resigned earlier Monday in order to avoid impeachment proceedings being held against him.  Shortly after his tearful resignation speech had been broadcast across national networks and the Internet, Musharraf reversed his decision and announced that he was coming out of retirement.

“This should have been a historically great day for Pakistan and a triumph for democracy,” says Samina Ahmed, South Asia project director of the International Crisis Group. “Now, it is just awkward and sad.”

Musharraf’s reinstatement as Pakistan’s President was roundly rejected by that country’s parliament, and the ex-president announced his intention to govern for another team.

“I was never that committed to retirement,” Musharraf said in an interview with Bob Costas, “I was pressured by parliament to make that decision before the election and the start of the free agent cabinet appointment period.”

Pervez Musharraf’s time as president of Pakistan was marked by nearly 70 percent approval ratings, and he was known as a key ally in the United States’ War On Terror.  Speculation abounds regarding whether the 65 year-old former general will be effective in his new role as Cardinals quarterback.  The team did not qualify for the playoffs last year with a record of 8-8.

“Look, the man survived three assassination attempts and stymied the Taliban over his nation’s volatile border with Afghanistan, ” proffered Cardinals head coach Ken Whisenhunt, “I think he’ll be able to learn the playbook.”

Pervez Musharraf will be the starting quarterback on August 28th against the Denver Broncos.  He is expected to play about 12 snaps or until an attempt is made on his life, whichever occurs first.

Not a joke.  Apparently there is some high pitched frequency that as people get older they can’t hear anymore.  It’s used in some places to keep teens away.  Conversely, some teens use it as ringtones so they can keep their phones on in class.  Oh those wily teens.

The cut off is supposedly 25.  But I can still hear it and I’m 25+. 

Prepare to feel old.  Or young if you can hear it.  Good luck.

http://www.audiocheck.net/audiotests_mosquito.php

I think I love you, new laundromat.  Indeed, I would like to thank you for making me realize that my previous laundromat was pampering me and making me soft.  Not only was it closer to my apartment, but the staff there spoke fluent English, pressed my shirts and pants, and didn’t bother making me purchase a refillable laundry card for $1 that seems to have no actual use.  They didn’t even know that you could fold boxer shorts by stuffing the cuffs into the waist, thereby creating a handy ball of underwear.  What assholes!

Today, as I iron my shirts that used to come back to me ready-to-wear, I pause to reflect on your majesty.  Sure, the old place offered free coffee and cookies and sold hot dogs and fresh fruit juices.  But you’ve got vending machines!  I can’t wait for winter to come so that I may enjoy a soggy stroll through a snowy wonderland as I trudge the extra brisk block to your door (that only sometimes opens automatically).

Love you!

Sincerely,

Phil

BUY YOUR TICKETS HERE!

Don’t panic, Fingerinos!

FingerComedy.com was showing up messily in some versions of IE, so we’re taking the opportunity to dress the site up a bit.  We’re all about reducing clutter and making sure you know who wrote which posts.

We’re gonna be pretty!

I switch roommates pretty frequently.  (I don’t really like people.)  Here are a list of the roommates I’ve had since moving to the city in late 2003 and some notes about them…

Apt 1 – 5 “bedroom” “apartment” in LES; November 2003-August 2004

1) JASON – d*ck

2) WILL – d*ck

3) JILL – b*tch

4) STEVE – not me, cool dude

5) BECKY (???) – forget her name, we only overlapped briefly. She was okay.  I ran into on the subway like a year later and she was on her way to campaign (for Kerry??) in Ohio.  So, in my head, she’s a little bit of a hippie.  But that’s cool. 

Apt 2 – 2 bedroom in E. Village; September 2004 – October 2005

6) MIKE – ehh.  Cool enough.  We got into a fight right at the end and if we hadn’t, FINGER wouldn’t exist.  Weird.

Apt 3 – 2 bedroom in E. Village (one floor up from last apt.; still paid a broker’s fee); October 2005 – present

7) ALICE – Australian.  She was great.  I once joke, ” I hope a dingo doesn’t eat your rent check.”  She didn’t laugh.  But she’s still cool.

8 ) MEDHI – French.  Borderline d*ck.  Wouldn’t stop cooking bad smelling food. 

9) GILLE – French.  He was great.  And by great, I mean, never home.  Ever.  What a great guy.  I found out on his last night that he was the son of some big wig in France.  Good job!

10) COURTNEY – B*tch.  So nasty.  She turned me off living with girls.  She broke the toilet a lot.  Like a strange amount of times.  But her Mom was really nice.  I remember thinking, “How’d that happen?” and feeling bad that the cool, nice mom had a mean, negative daughter. 

11) THEO – He stayed the longest (11 months).   In hindsight, he was a good roommate, but at the time he would get on my nerves sometimes. But, a cool guy.  And he boned a lot.

12) JAMIE - Young and he stayed the shortest, 1.5 months (so far).  I think he cracked from the pressure of NYC.  NYC is tough man, but I don’t need to tell you that. 

13) JEFF – For a square, he was cool.  He had a good run, and I wanted him to stay.  In terms of roommates, he was t*ts.  I wish he didn’t have to leave.  I….think….I…..love….you….Jeff….

14) NICHOLAS – Current, short term roommate. Young.  Like 20 years old young. Put on a shirt and remember to lock the door.  No, he’s fine.  He’s very bright eyed and bushy tailed, and I am not those adjectives.  Stay tuned.

15) YOU?????  Everyone’s a suspect.

CONCLUSION:  Much like the famous “Dazed and Confused” line, lately it appears that what I like about my roommates is that as I get older, they stay the same age (or get younger.)

Yes, I’m wearing a men’s hat.  Take a good look.  It’s just like in the movies.  No, I don’t feel out-of-place wearing this thing.  The only people who seem to mind are people who’ve known me to not wear hats for my whole life.  A hat is a valid choice.

You know, I could say some things about the fashion choices you’ve made.  You’re not perfect.  But when you boldly present yourself at the risk of appearing unsightly or, God forbid, out of the ordinary, I hold my tongue.  This is not because I come from a place of diminished power due to my new hat.  It is because I’m classy.  Wearing a men’s hat assures my status as a classy man about town.

Yes, the feather is removable.  I’d remove it but then I don’t know what to do with it so that it doesn’t get ruined in case I want to wear the hat with a feather in it at some point.  So I’m rocking the feather.  The way the hatter intended, thank you very much.

I’ll not entertain the notions of haters.  You’re just jealous because now if you decide to go get yourself a pork pie hat of your own, it’ll be because I planted the seed.  I am setting a trend, regardless of whether anyone participates in the trend itself.  My hat is a delightful accessory to liven up my already almost-formal day-to-day attire.  It does not define me.  Rather, I will redefine it.

If you wish to continue hating on my hat, please refer to the following helpful website:

http://philbilly.ytmnd.com

The title of this post just about says it all.  We’re launching our second run at the People’s Improv Theater this Thursday, July 10.  This show is going to be jam packed with brand new sketches, sex, violence, music, and lots of laughs.  Don’t miss out!

Finger

People’s Improv Theater

Thursday, July 10 @ 9:30 PM

8 bucks

www.thepit-nyc.com  (for tickets, location, etc.)

I saw Wall-E this weekend and it’s awesome.  But it got me thinking about the future, because it shows all humans in chairs and drinking french-fry milkshakes rather than walking and eating real meals.

But a french-fry milkshake kinda sounds good to me?  Is that bad?

Here are my top-ten milkshakes that don’t exist but should (in ascending order because there’s more suspense that way):

10.  Turkey-Apple-Brie shake:  This is a really awesome sandwich, so I figure it’s still pretty good once it’s pureed.

9.  Chips-Guacamole-Lime shake:  I would miss the action of dipping chips into dip (Why is that fun?), but the portability of this drink more than makes up for that.

8.  Everything-From-Taco-Bell-In-A-Shake shake:  You’d have to have like 18 times the cinnamon crisp things vs. everything else to make it palatable.  But is it really that different from regular Taco Bell in shake form?

7.  Snyder’s-Buffalo-Chicken-Wing-Pretzel shake:  Soften the pretzels with a little concoction of Ranch + Bleu Cheese.  Need I say more?

6.  Actual-Buffalo-Chicken-Wing shake:  See #7.  This has more protein so it’s higher on the list.

5.  Lobster-Butter shake:  Costly.

4.  Bacon-Egg-&-Cheese shake:  This will definitely burn in the back of your throat as it goes down.  Especially if you’re like me and ask for Pepper-Jack cheese.  The best.

3.  Ruby-Tuesdays-Apps-Sampler shake:  Mozzarella Sticks, Jalapeno Poppers, Chicken Strips, Queso Dip and Southwestern Spring Rolls.  Chum this up with a Diet Coke to save on calories.

2.  Numbers-6-and-7-combined shake:  Add extra ranch-bleu cheese potion, and make sure there’s a football game on.  And a doctor nearby with stockpiles of Plavix.

***DRUM ROLL***

1.  Chocolate-with-turduckin-and-garlic-mashed-potatoes-and-cranberry-sauce-and-fuck-it-why-not-put-some-butternut-squash-casserole-in-their-too:  This is the only one of these that actually sounds good.  I think it speaks to the power of chocolate to make anything good.

-M

Here are the minutes for our most recent meeting on May 24th…

Fingers present: M. Hobby; C. Roberti

Fingers absent: S. Soroka; M. Hart; P. Wells; Y. Miller; G. Helbig; J. Hibbs; Mandy S.

• Chris shows up twenty minutes late because he spent nearly twenty minutes making faces into his mirror at home while listening to Ani Difranco
• Meeting is called to order on NW corner of 41^st St. and 8^th Ave.
• Matt makes a deposit at his bank while Chris waits outside; the two chat on the phone during this transaction – with each other
• Matt and Chris decide to walk downtown
• Matt sees Claire Daines; Chris misses it because of a cool looking cloud that caught his eye
• Matt sees Tony Kushner; Chris misses it because he doesn’t know what Tony Kushner looks like
• The two see an awesome painting of a woman brushing a cat’s teeth in the window of a veterinarian’s and the woman’s arm is motorized and brushes the cat’s face so fast
• A weird guy makes a comment to Chris who is laughing at the painting
• The two admire a woman in a billboard for H&M
• The two buy apples at a farmer’s market. Attempting to be generous, Chris says he will buy Matt’s apple, but he soon discovers he can’t afford it.  The cost of Matt’s apple: 80 cents
• The two spot the same weird guy who made a comment to Chris make a comment to several women as he passes them, one in particular looks stunned
• Matt explains to the stunned woman that the weird guy has been doing this to everyone, she ignores Matt
• Chris is pleased
• The two wander into a flea market, purchase nothing
• Chris talks about some money trouble and girl trouble
• Matt suggests Chris get a job at the coffee chop where Matt’s roommate works
• The two agree to walk to that coffee shop
• They arrive at where Matt thinks the coffee shop should be, it is nowhere to be found
• Chris suggests Matt’s roommate has be deceiving him about this and many things
• The two find the coffee shop, which was closed, and thus, difficult to spot
• The two agree that this was a wonderful meeting
• The meeting adjourned and the two part ways – Matt to a restroom, Chris to Pie by the Pound, then later to Central Park, then later still to Jen + Steve

I was delirious with sleep and happiness when I hit the pillow last night.   I just kept thinking about FINGER and all the wonderful adventures we will have in the future.  I thought about how FINGER and I would go traveling to festivals, how we would go camping together- just to bond-,  how we would cook dinner for each other like bugs on log and spaghetti bolognese, and how we would give each other erotic yet scientifical massages late into the night.  Of course it led to me imagine how I might one day meet Finger’s parents and of course that  led me to imagine how Finger might one day propose. Which of course led me to imagine even more erotic yet scientifical massages which were mostly erotic and performed in a circle. (blush)  

   Oh, FINGER! You started calling me “Pinky” as a cute nickname because I’m so short.  And, oh, how I loved you for it!  My heart, buried deep inside my buxom bosom, swelled with pride and burst with love for you.

I was happy.

So I slept.

Hello.  

I have no way to know for sure, but I think this is a record for biggest ants on a log.  Just look at those ants!  Just look at that log!

I can’t take all the credit.  Basically, a lot depends on the celery.  I bought it and didn’t grow it, but i bought it. Also, credit to Yang for reminding me about the whole thing.  Credit also to Jed for taking the picture… and for doing our lights.

I said, “Jed get the camera!”

Then we ate it.

“Which one of you jerks ordered burritos?”
“I can’t believe I agreed to work late like a jerk.”
“Eddie from IT?  That guy’s a big jerk.”
“Quit jerking my chain, you fucking idiot.”
“Looks like someone jerked off in the toaster oven.”
“Hey!  My white-out!  Jerk!”
“Only a jerk would wear the tie that you’re wearing today, Eddie.”

I’m an American, and you know what that means. That means I love the sport of arm wrestling. I work hard day and night to make sure my guns are taut, primed, loaded, and ready to flatten anyone who dares challenge my superiority. Lately, though, I’ve been feeling a guilty pinch. It’s as if something is missing from this lifetime I so enjoy. If only there was a way to combine arm wrestling with a chance to demonstrate my mental prowess and hand-eye coordination.

Friends, my ship has come in:

http://tresling.org/

Finally, they’ve combined arm wrestling with the video game Tetris! What took them so long? I can’t wait to snap someone’s arm off at the shoulder just as I’m lining up a 4-line to hit the slot just right. Tetris, bitch! That’s what I’ll say.

This is only the beginning. Imagine a future where nearly athletic competitions of every stripe are combined with feats of the mind and thumb:

• Indian Leg MegaMan
• Rock, Paper, Battletoads
• Bionic Comman-Hunt
• Super Mario Spitting-For-Distance
• Bloody Knuckles of Zelda: The Ocarina of Pain
• Mike Tyson’s Punch-Foot-Race

The possibilities are endless! What combination would you like to see?