Once again, I do not agree with this at all. How can you college days be happier than the birth of your first child? Granted, I did not have a colicky baby and I had a supportive husband, but those were some of the happiest days of my life!

I have had lots of super happy times in my life, and I am looking forward to retirement some day when I can relax and chill and do whatever I want without having to spend the majority of my time working! I think maybe my best  ‘happy days’ are in the future!

What about you? Was college the happiest time of your life?

On that note, you already know I LOVE my crockpot, and so, I threw a few things in and hoped for the best! According to my husband, I made the best… and a lot of it! This soup will be great for families with more than three mouths to feed, as well as for freezing or lunches the next day!

I used a large hunk of “grilling” steak that I had taken out of the freezer 2 days prior (which, because I did not place it in a plastic bag, leaked all over the meat drawer- EW!).  I had a lot of these condiments in my fridge, and it was great to just go grab some fresh veggies, clean and slice and BAM!; dinner!

WHAT YOU WILL NEED… remember I threw all of these things in together- feel free to add and subtract according to your tastes:

2T olive oil
5 carrots, peeled and chopped
6 celery stalks, chopped
1 small bundle of chives, chopped
8oz sliced mushrooms
1 med potato, cubed
1 large purple turnip, cubed
4oz A1 sauce
4T Sriracha Sauce
16oz beef broth
6oz cold water
sea salt and pepper to taste

I put the oil in the bottom of the crockpot, then the steak, followed by S&P. The rest of the ingredients were a free-for-all into the large bowl.

I placed the timer at 8hours on low heat and did not check in on it until there was an hour left. I pulled the steak out and shredded it with 2 forks, before putting it back in the bowl to infuse it with all of the flavors. I paired the soup with a 2011 Casillero del Diablo Cabernet Sauvignon, which was beautiful with the beef and just warming enough to snuggle in and watch some American Horror Story… and on sale!

As with any other parent, having time for myself is difficult, and I find that Addie being my first baby, I do not want to be without her. It is nice to have a fulfilling dinner with my hubby while my beautiful baby girl sleeps next to us. It’s amazing what some warm soup and a good wine pairing can do to rejuvenate the mind, body and soul.

Here is to good Fall foods!

Yikes, who’s manning the camera anyway?! Don’t quit your day job!

I do think I should get some brownie points for not screaming or gagging, though. Yay me!

At her one month check-up Charlotte’s pediatrician and I opted to try some postural techniques to alleviate the reflux instead of using medication. The amount she was actually spitting-up {spitting out really} greatly reduced with just a bit more work on my part:

1. We keep her upright for about 30 minutes after each meal {This means not laying down, but also not in a sitting position that squishes her belly}. This isn’t too difficult, although in the middle of the night it does make for a very long process. During the day I like to sit with her propped up against my thighs – that way she’s upright and we can get some good ‘face time’ while we’re at it – woohoo, efficiency!! At night I just keep her up on my shoulder so she can go back to sleep.

2. One of Chris’ coworkers let us borrow “The Reflux Pillow“. It’s a wedge that the baby sleeps on to keep them at a 30* incline. The first night I put Charlotte on the pillow she slept for 6 hours! Initially, though, I was very skeptical- mostly because the pillow looked outdate, the website looked outdate… everything looked OLD and I didn’t want to put her on something that was no longer safe. I did extensive internet research for any reviews/complaints/recalls but couldn’t find much. The only comments I read were regarding older babies wiggling themselves partially out of the straps which could be dangerous if they get stuck in a bad position. I will have to make a decision about whether or not to continue using the pillow when Charlotte gets older and is moving a lot more. For now, she stays perfectly strapped in throughout the night and continues to average 6 hours each night, sometimes more!

3. I nurse her in more of an upright position, rather than a cradle/laying down position.

These postural changes definitely helped reduce the amount that she was spitting up and improved her comfort level throughout the day. However, the biggest issue continued to be while she was actually nursing or taking a bottle. She would pull off frequently, arch her back, cry, cough, choke, spit up  while she was actually drinking. It didn’t seem to make a difference whether she nursed or took a bottle of expressed milk. It is so hard to see her in pain and I didn’t want her to begin associating meal time with pain.  At Charlotte’s two month check-up the pediatrician prescribed a small amount of Zantac to help. I’ll keep you posted on whether or not that helps, but the issue then became giving her the medication! It has a very strong ‘mint’ odor, so I’m sure it tastes strong too. I used the medicine syringe and put the first dose inside her mouth along side her cheek to reduce the amount of contact with her taste buds. Fail. She immediately spit it all out and began screaming, which seems to usually activate her reflux even more. She may not be able to say ‘yuck’ yet, but she certainly got the message across with her facial expression. PLan B. It was time for some ingenuity and good ‘ol fashion sneakiness. I remember reading this trick somewhere {maybe Pinterest?} but I couldn’t find the source when I went to look for it. Just know that this was not really my brain child and that someone out there is way smarter than me and deserves credit for thinking this up.

I took a pacifier {one of the giant ones with an open back that they gave us in the hospital} and made a cross-cut in the very tip. This is what a cross cut looks like – though I made my cuts even smaller.

Here’s our set-up. Medicine in the syringe, hole cut in the pacifier, and a baby {that last part is optional…. I mean,  you could be someone who gets their kicks cutting holes in pacifiers, I don’t know?! sicko}

This was her before the medicine… I think she suspects some sneakiness is going on.

Keep in mind, this only works if your baby takes a pacifier {obviously} and is wanting one at that moment. Sometimes Charlotte refuses a pacifier and sometimes she loves it; we just got lucky with this experiment.

As soon as she latched on I injected the medicine into the bowl of the pacifier and she sucked it right down. Keep in mind, I didn’t squirt the medicine into her mouth through the hole in the pacifier – that would probably have made her choke. Instead, I put the medicine into the bowl and let her suck it out at her own pace.

If you try this technique be sure to pull the pacifier out once the medicine is all gone to prevent your kiddo from sucking down air. Also, be sure to wash the pacifier thoroughly to remove any medicine and to remove any lingering medicine taste, which might thwart your efforts if you try this technique again.

Any hint of trickery and the game is up!

I’m just sayin’.

Ground floor of three: they’re tossing beers
through the open window and shouting
leers and taunts with those mates
who they don’t quite trust
to let inside the flat.

Treading cigarette butts in dead grass
and snorting at the graffiti on the paths
of the disabled bungalows opposite.
(Nothing they’ve not done themselves.)

Prophetic-emphysema, tooth-hole grins
coughing out gobs of frost white air
through coldsore lips and nose dribble.
All skin chafed to weeping sandpaper.
Chilly out tonight, isn’t it mate? Sniffing.
EastEnders theme leaking out too loud.
Cosy eh? Good on you, old friend.

Passing the soggy spliff-end in and out
across the window-ledge.
Those old mates of theirs,
who they don’t trust to let in.

Dreg-slopping cans lobbed into the grey.
No twilight here, just different sludges.
Scufflings in council-trimmed bushes:
a bad joke about paedophiles.
It’s too funny.
They shout at the shrub,
kick a few dents in the green.
Spit a few lip curls and mime
disgusting actions with glee
and chapped hands,

then forget. Spliff’s finished.
They’re calling their incontinent dog.
(Poor old sod.) He’s crapping
on the back step.
Communal door.

And they’re gone, for now.
Those old friends, of years standing,
the friends they don’t quite trust
to let in their home.

He looks at her, half asleep
on the fourth-hand sofa:
it’s as worn out as she is.
Watches her hand on their bump.
Those friends: he will not go back.

I don’t know where to start.  Where did I leave off?  Oh, right… a terrified, anxious, scared little girl.  How can I have a kid?  I AM a kid.  I want my husband to myself… mehhhh.

On Sunday night, our last night of freedom, Tom and I went to see Finding Nemo in 3D.  It was really good.  I mean, it was well-done in 3D and it’s just a good movie, period.  It’s almost like we were supposed to see that movie that night.  It’s almost like it was destiny.  We spent 80 minutes watching a father love his son, you know?  It might be the most important movie I’ll ever see in my life.  I walked out of the theater and told Tom, “I think I can do this.”

I didn’t sleep at all on Sunday night.  We went to bed at around 12, and I woke up at about 3:30 tossing and turning.  Our plan was to be up at 5 and at the hospital by 6.  I kept trying to slide back into sleep mode and claim those precious few minutes, but I never did.

We got to the hospital around 6:05, or 6:10 or something.  They showed us to our room, 3048.  I changed into my hospital gown.  Someone came in and took blood samples and someone else hooked me up to an IV.  Mom, Dad and Lindsay came around 8 I think.

Surgery was supposed to be at 7:45, but I got pushed back because of an emergency that someone else was having.  I don’t remember waiting very long.  The wait time flew by.  I want to say they took me back around 8:45.

You know I was a wreck during the pregnancy.  That all culminated on Monday morning, right before surgery, with me not being very nice to Grandma.  No joke, it was so awful that she was about to leave 5 minutes before they took me into the operating room.  Leave.  Like, that’s it… and she’d go and I’d just go back into surgery and she wouldn’t be there.  Okay, honestly, I ruined it.  I took this beautiful moment, you know, all the excitement of getting ready to have a baby and basically made everyone in the room upset.  I’m, like, the best at being the WORST.  Everyone was worked up.

Then they came to collect me for surgery.

It was a complete disaster.

The doctors were fantastic.  It’s the patient that was a train wreck – all worked up.  Everything went by so fast.  I just kept crying and wishing I could take it all back.  I wasn’t at all focused on the fact that I was having a baby.  I was just thinking of that f-bomb that I dropped.  I was totally and completely out of it.  Depressed.  It was almost an out-of-body experience.  I kept looking at myself, and telling myself to get my head in the game.  It was like the halls and rooms were whizzing by and I couldn’t keep up.  Everyone was talking.  Everyone was telling me to do something.

I walked down to the OR with the nurse.  Tom was close behind us trying to put on his moon suit and walk at the same time, but they made him wait outside for the spinal block anyway.

I sat on the table and was surrounded by happy, friendly people, but I just cried like a little baby.  I was losing it.  I sat on the operating table leaning forward, hunched over so the anesthesiologist could get the needle in my spine.  I didn’t realize how distracted I was until the nurse said, “calm down, just take a deep breath and relax.”  I did.  I laid down on the table.  I couldn’t feel my legs.  Am I having a baby?  Is this happening?  I was crying like I couldn’t catch my breath.  I can’t do this.  I felt so bad… like… knives in my eyes.  What had I done?

They brought Tom in.  Oh, sweet, wonderful, familiar Tom.

He was cute as hell in his cap, space suit, mask and booties.  He sat on my right side, held my hand and stroked my hair.

I just remember that it hurt.  Not like, “you’ll feel some pressure,” but like, cutting.  It hurt.  I was wincing.  Honestly, it was like i could feel them pulling the baby down from under my ribs.  I was numb to a certain height, but above that I still felt feelings… and it didn’t feel good at all.

Someone said, “Dad, you can take pictures.”  It was all happening really fast, like an oncoming train that I couldn’t escape.  Take pictures?  Pictures of what?  Baby?  Already?!  I am not ready to be a mom…  We thought we could only take pictures on the non-surgery side of the sheet.  Tom asked if he was allowed to take pictures of the surgery side, and the doctors said they didn’t mind 1 or 2.

I heard, “Alright, 9:06.”  Before I knew it, they were saying, “There he is!  That’s your son!”  I saw him sitting on a table past Tom.  He looked like an old Chinese man.  Great.  An ugly baby.  I told Tom to take his picture.

I felt sick.

Tom told Dr. Mathis, who was monitoring things by my head.  I felt like I was going to throw up.  My stomach was in knots.  I asked Dr. Mathis what to do – he said if I was going to do it, turn to the left.  I did, and I did.  He put a pink bowl by my face.  I was crying, wincing and hurting as they moved higher up my body pulling and tugging at stuff.  Dr. Mathis said, “I’m going to ask you to stop for a second,” to Dr. Wolanski.  Oh my gosh I was so sick…  Crying and nervous and just physically ill… violently ill.

He gave me something for the nausea and some morphine and we waited a minute.  I thought it was a quick second, Tom said it was about 5 minutes.  They kept asking if it was better, and when I finally said okay, they let Dr. Wolanski continue.

Someone said, “look to your left.”  I looked to my right first, at Tom, then to my left.

I saw the most beautiful little pink face… teeny-tiny, sweet, soft, perfect little face.  It was the most amazing thing that I’ve ever laid eyes on.

NOT AN UGLY BABY!

Everything else melted away.  They took him away to go take care of all the stuff they do to newborns.  They told Tom to come with them, but he asked if it would be okay if he stayed with me.  No one minded.  I was so relieved.  He continued holding my hand and rubbing his hand on my head.  Everything was going to be okay.

They lifted me onto another bed and carted me down to recovery and brought the baby in.  We tried nursing, but mostly we just held our little boy and spent the first two hours or so of his life getting to know each other a little bit.

When we made it back to our room, all that tension had melted away, too.

Everything feels so perfect.  It’s been two weeks and it still feels perfect… like this is how it was supposed to be all along.

Our sweet Charlotte is two months old on Thursday. Time is moving impossibly fast – It’s both exciting and heart breaking all at the same time. As thrilled as I am to see who she will grow to be as she achieves each new milestone I almost can’t bear to see her change anymore. I love who she is right now in this moment so much. But I am comforted with the fact that I have been able to take oodles of photos and video snippets of her over the past 2 months. I know I won’t always have that luxury (yay for maternity leave and for her being our first born!). Now, on to the official documentation of the past month!

At two months Charlotte..

• Weighs …. who knows?! It is at least more than the 8 lbs. 4 oz. that she weighed at her 1 month appointment. We will know the details after her 2 month appointment in a few days – stay tuned!
• Is starting to gain some ‘chunk’ and is filling out her newborn clothing really well.
• Is still a snuggle bug and likes to nestle into your neck for a snooze.
• Sometimes cries when she wakes up from her naps (as if she is scared and doesn’t know what’s going on… breaks my heart to see her little eyes well up with tears).
• Is not yet loving tummy time. At her one month checkup the pediatrician noticed her head tilting to her right side and since then I’ve noticed that she doesn’t seem to want to turn her head to look to the right all the time – Commence exercises recommended by my PT friends who report that this is most likely due to the reflux.
• Is not a peaceful eater. She grunts, she cries, she pinches and punches at mommy… it’s quite dramatic, to say the least, but probably relates to the reflux as well.  I haven’t really tried yet but I don’t think I could discretely nurse her in public … there’s no hiding the flailing piranha under a nursing cover and with all the grunting people might think I’m smuggling a baby piglet under my shirt. We’ve gotten by so far with carefully timed nursing before we venture out of the house and with bottles of expressed milk.
• Has actually completed several car rides without a single whimper, though the tearful car rides are still prevalent.
• Really loves diaper changing time. I don’t know if it’s the time of day because she’s so alert, the pictures and mirror I have hanging on the wall over the dresser, or that we are helping her get out of a soggy diaper that she loathes… but whatever it is she loves to laugh and talk and wiggle about while we discuss the plan for the day and which adorable outfit she will show off.
• Has really found her voice and already has an arsenal of sounds (which her speech therapist mommy is SO proud of) – she cries, laughs, squeals, coos and shouts and she definitely uses them differentially and with purpose  - We love seeing her personality emerging.

Less than a month left of my maternity leave. Dagger.

Dishes and laundry can wait. I’m going to spend these next few weeks snuggling with my baby.

Priorities. I’m just sayin’.

Sorry for the lack of updates but all last week I was having an awesome vacation in Rhode Island. I will be posting pictures in the next day or so of adventures with my family and my Baby Shower. For now please enjoy my Week 21 Chalkboard update. I must give credit to my Mom for her awesome chalkboard illustration! =]

How far along? 21 Weeks.
Baby is the size of a: The length of a carrot.
Total weight gain: 10.2 pounds.
Gender: It’s a BOY!
Name: Boston James
Maternity clothes? My Mom gave me a new maternity shirt when I got home and I got to wear it to my Baby Shower!
Stretch marks? Nothing to report.
Sleep: I slept great all week. I got to cuddle to the two cutest Yorkies ever all week! How could I not?
Movement: I can’t believe I used to get all excited about his weak and random kicks a few weeks ago cause now all he does is beat me up from the inside. Can’t complain though, it’s so friggin’ cool.
Best moment this week: The whole week! I am so happy I got to spend some time with my family again! =]
Miss Anything: I missed Jim!!
Belly button in or out? In. Getting more and more shallow every day.
Food cravings: Nothing, really. I didn’t have a shortage of food all week. [Jim said sugar]
Anything making you queasy or sick: The airplane ride to Rhode Island. Totally had to make use of the puke bag.
Labor Signs: No.
Symptoms: I can’t poop and it’s devastating.
Engagement ring on or off? On and still loose. I thought I was supposed to get fat!?
Happy or Moody most of the time: I was beyond happy all week.
Looking forward to: My day off on Sunday. Yeah, really.

]]> http://jerrilynn113.wordpress.com/2012/09/30/a-birth-part-2-hopefully-shorter-than-the-long-version-part-1/ Sun, 30 Sep 2012 23:33:40 +0000 jerrilynn113 http://jerrilynn113.wordpress.com/2012/09/30/a-birth-part-2-hopefully-shorter-than-the-long-version-part-1/ Originally posted at Blogger in January 2012

As I started this story, there was much sadness around the making of Halie. We celebrated our First Anniversary, pregnant with our first child and dealing with the death of my Grandma. We had lost my Grandpa Emmett in January and now Keith’s Grandpa Leo. Two deaths before our first anniversary and now a new life on the way. My Aunt Sandy took a picture of us all dressed up at the funeral for our anniversary. I didn’t have a dressy Maternity dress so I squeezed into a dress I had worn to a party somewhere or other. Halie in my big belly protruding and putting much pressure on the seams.

Back at the hospital, January 16th approaching 8pm and all I could keep thinking was please let this child arrive before January 17th, the first anniversary of my Grandpa’s death. I left off in Part 1 with the Doctor telling Keith he would not be able to attend the birth, that the paper work we had from the Lamaze class wasn’t up to snuff. After everything the two of us had just been through in those 30 plus hours the nurses felt sorry for us. While I was being prepped, the nurses dragged Keith into a room to watch “the video”.  While he was watching it they were quickly dressing him in scrubs. It was apparently all a bit crazy, but I was not privy to their little party. I was having one of my own with the anesthesia guy, having me bend over as far as I could in a sitting position and a rather large belly so he could insert the HUGE needle he made the mistake of showing me. After that I didn’t feel any more pain, and there was Keith beside me. Such a strange experience, while I felt no pain I felt pressure and pulling and tugging, and 39 hours after the first sign of her impending birth our beautiful baby girl with all her fingers and toes was brought into the light and cold. Ahhh euphoria, wonder and awe, yet not quite ready to grasp we had a baby to take care of and love.

While still under the influence of quite a bit of medication a nurse came in to get the name for the birth certificate. Keith was not there. He was either off with Halie or probably making phone calls. My Mom had tried to call us several times that day and was quite upset (we found out later) thinking Keith had me out shopping somewhere. This was one of the reasons we decided to keep delivery a secret. We, knowing Mom, thought if she knew where I was for all THAT time, would have been at the hospital with us. We didn’t want to share this amazing time. We were selfish and just wanted the two people who were involved in making this child (besides the Doctor, Nurses and Anesthesia guy) to be there to see her and hold her and call her ours. We knew we would have to share her soon enough. Back to the Birth certificate, the nurse asked for the baby’s name and I told her. She asked how to spell it, I replied, “H.a.l.e.y”. Now with all the drugs in me, my head just didn’t think that sounded right and I said, “no that’s not right, it’s H.a.l.i.e, Yeah that’s it”. And so Halie got a unique spelling for a name that was somewhat common that year due to Haley’s Comet making an appearance. She is unique, she is like no other, our first child, our only daughter. We love her, we’ve gotten mad at her over the years,  told her No a few times, and  maybe haven’t always seen eye to eye, but we always loved and do love her. She has been ours and always will be, but we know she is her own as well.

Halie brought joy to my heart where sadness had reigned. The only regrets I have are that my Grandpa Emmett and Grandma Isabelle and Keith’s Grandpa Leo did not live long enough to see her and hold her and love her.

How far along? 20 Weeks.
Baby is the size of a: Our baby boy is the size of a banana.
Total weight gain: 8.6 pounds so far. The weight gain has slowed down in the past few weeks.
Gender: IT’S A BOY!!
Name: Boston James
Maternity clothes? Nothing new but making leggings work for me. Nothing beats ‘em.
Stretch marks? Nothing yet. So far so good.
Sleep: I have been having a rough few nights recently since I’ve been sick. I might have gotten a total of 8-10 hours over the past two nights. Terrible.
Movement: He is SO active. I have felt him constantly this week and seeing him move on the ultrasound this morning was even further proof of how active he is.
Best moment this week: Finding out our baby is a boy! The technician predicted at 13 weeks that he would be a boy but it’s nice to have solid confirmation.
Miss Anything: Being able to shave in the shower. It’s become a circus act these days to get a decent shave.
Belly button in or out? In. Still.
Food cravings: Cheesy Pasta & McDonald’s Fries.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope.
Labor Signs: No.
Symptoms: Sore throat, runny nose, coughing, sneezing, headaches…Oh wait, you mean pregnancy symptoms? None of those.
Engagement ring on or off? On and still getting looser. It’s about to fall off.
Happy or Moody most of the time: I just asked Jim for his weekly report and I got ‘Happy’. [With the exception of right before I came home from work today. Hey, I was sick and hungry!]
Looking forward to: A roadtrip to Chicago with Jim and then a week long vacation in Rhode Island.

Our appointment this morning was incredible. We had about an hour long ultrasound where we looked at baby from head to toe, inside and out. He was so active, kicking the ‘wand’ and all – the technician felt him twice! My strong little boy. It was amazing being able to see him on the big screen moving about, kicking, barely staying still, swallowing and just being the active little critter I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks like crazy. The doctor said he’s right on track and that we’re doing perfect – such great news!

After the appointment we headed to Babies R Us to finish our registry [Registry #: 48814747] now that we know the gender. It was so much fun picking out stuff for our future son. We stuck to blue, sage and brown for the most part, mixing sports and animals. I’m having a hard time right now deciding between Tommee Tippee bottles and Dr. Brown’s bottles. As soon as I decide on that I’ll be adding them to the registry, too.

Right now I feel like everything I do is just killing time until my baby is born in about two weeks.  His name is Chase and I’m crossing my fingers he gets his father’s red hair.  We both have blue eyes so Chase should too.  No matter what he will be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen and I will forever after be a mother.  

Today my baby girl celebrates 26 years of life, which her Dad and I decided to give to her. She was the only child we TRIED to get pregnant with. It took us 3 months to achieve Halie in my womb. The two boys, while unexpected, have been just as important and just as well-loved (they all might tell you differently, but don’t believe it), however the other day as Keith and I were talking about “working” to get pregnant with Halie, Keith said those 3 months trying to get pregnant were the best days of HIS life, hmmmmmm. I’m sure he didn’t quite mean it the way it sounded.

Halie’s joyful, if not long entry into this world was surrounded by sadness. She brought much-needed light with her when she arrived. My Grandpa Emmett had died just the year before on January 17^th, and my Grandma Isabelle, died when I was about 4 or 5 months pregnant with Halie. My Aunt snapped a picture of Keith and me at Grandma’s funeral, me in a straight black and white dress with the “Halie belly” protruding. It was our first anniversary and not a very happy day.

Halie was due January 4th, but as each day passed and she made no effort to join us on the outside we got closer and closer to the 17th. My Grandmother did NOT want her to be born on that sad day. The pressure was on. Just a few days before her birth, Keith’s Grandpa Leo died. Three grandparent’s lost in a year’s time.

While it really was not unexpected, Leo’s death came at the one time when Keith felt he shouldn’t leave me to attend the funeral in Iowa. It was a very hard decision for him to make, but as we had gone so far past the due date we knew our first-born child could arrive any day. My Mother-in-Law, Carolyn entrusted us with caring for our young niece Nicky while she and Keith’s brothers went to Iowa for her Father’s funeral. Keith’s Grandfather was buried on January 15th, his wife’s, Keith’s Grandma Carrie’s birthday. I went into labor that very morning at about 5am. I would remain in labor for 39 hours before under Halie’s protest my Doctor decided to remove her by Cesarean section.  But I’m jumping ahead.

Keith and I had decided not to tell anyone that I had gone into labor, but this became a difficult decision later in the day when the Contractions finally started getting closer together. Carolyn and the brothers were due back, but this was before Cell phones (hard to imagine I know) so we had no idea what time they would get back and we couldn’t very well take our 5-year-old niece to the hospital with us (of course now days no one would question that). I did let the 5-year-old walk out to get my mail, while I watched her all the way there and back from the living room window. It was a little hike to the road and when I was 5 I would have felt like I was on an adventure. I had sent Keith off to work that day, knowing I would call him if it was time. I don’t remember the exact time, it was dark for January, so somewhere after 5pm we made the decision to call my cousin Cozette to come over and stay with Nicky while we went to the hospital. I don’t remember why, but she had to get a ride from a friend, Rodger, to get over to our house. These two were now the only two that knew I was in labor. When Cozette and Rodger arrived, wouldn’t you know it my Mother-in-law and brother-in-laws arrived back from Leo’s funeral, to pick up Nicky. Of course none of them knew I was in labor, so they started in talking and telling Keith about his Grandpa’s funeral. It was difficult for Keith, I know. This man he loved, he could not be there to say his last goodbyes to. I remember his Mom telling him how one of his cousin’s wanted to know why he wasn’t there and saying he SHOULD have been there. This was the first time I ever saw my husband cry. He was so torn up about it. Love can tear us up inside can’t it? He stayed by my side, because he loved me and this little child we were bringing into the world. He loved his Grandpa.

Carolyn and the brothers finally left with Nicky in tow and it was no longer necessary for my cousin Cozette to stay, so off she went, the bearer of the secret. Off we went to the old Hospital; my third child would be born in the new hospital, a large span of time passing between the first child and the last. I don’t recall what time we arrived but I was admitted.

Most people know this time was not much fun. I wasn’t up for playing a card game and it only got worse. Keith and I had taken the Lamaze classes and once I had to start using it I stayed with the first breathing technique. I can’t remember how many steps there are in the breathing as this was the only time I needed it. My boys were scheduled C-sections. Needless to say by the following morning our child had not been born. The hours for the most part all mesh together and I can’t remember what happened when but that morning they decided to send Keith home to get some sleep and they gave me meds to relax. It seems I was having cramping in between the contractions that was keeping me in a lot of constant pain with no relief so they thought this would help. Needless to say Keith didn’t get much sleep at home and I didn’t get much rest at the hospital. By 11am they had called Keith to come back, thinking maybe we were getting close. After he arrived the nurses examined me, I was dilated at 3 or 4. It had been at 1 when we arrived the night before and needed to get to 10!  Oh it’s going to be a long day isn’t it? I was so miserable I told Keith to keep a lookout for any nurses and I went in and laid down on the cold bathroom floor trying to get some relief. I knew I had to be feeling pretty bad to lay down on what I’m sure was a germ infested bathroom floor, but the cold tile felt good on my overheated body.

At some point it was decided to physically break my water to see if this would get Halie moving. I remember being scared when I saw the green tinged water. We had heard something about that in Lamaze and it meant the baby was in some distress. A while later the nurses decided I could go ahead and start pushing. I pushed for something like 2 hours, yes 2 hours! The Doctor returned to the hospital from home, examined me and told me I should NOT be pushing. Now some women may understand this, it is nearly impossible once you’ve started pushing to stop pushing a baby out of your swollen belly! I had still been, up to this time, in the first Lamaze breathing pattern. Keith stepped out of the room to talk to the nurses and when he came back a few seconds later, I was pushing up on the bars of the bed and in the very last breathing pattern of short bursts of breath. He ever so calmly informed me I had jumped all the other steps. I don’t recall what I said to him, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t very nice, and I stayed in that pattern.

Keith was gentle and attentive through the whole process, which is pretty amazing because he’s the hysterical one in a crisis. He would try to do what they had taught him in Lamaze, taking a cool wash cloth to my forehead which I would brush him and it away. I hurt so bad I couldn’t talk AND tell him the simple step of the brushing the washcloth across my forehead hurt. Somewhere in the madness, the Doctor examined me and discovered Halie was turned wrong. Her head was down, but she was facing the wrong direction. My Doctor looked at me and said we had two options, he could try to turn the baby……….(I had heard the woman down the hall from me having this done to her and listening to her scream convinced me I wasn’t the slightest interested in that option). I just gave my Doctor the worst I’m going to kill you when this is all over look I could muster and very quickly he said, “orwecandoaCsectionIthinkwe’lldothecsection.” Once the decision was made for the C-section, things became very rushed. As I was being prepared; the Doctor informed Keith he wouldn’t be able to go in with me, because he didn’t have the “proper” paperwork from the Lamaze class. Are you kidding me? After everything we have been through together? Not just in these last couple days, but this last year of grief and darkness?

Story to be continued.

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An amazing, wonderful, God-loving women whom I’ve been blessed to know for a decade now, has found it in her busy life to come and be with me in the beginning of my new journey.

I love this woman. She has ALWAYS been someone who I’ve looked up to, as a mother, as a woman, as a Christian. She’s amazing. She’s been through so much in her own life, many tough trials. Yet one of the greatest traits she possesses his her joy that she spreads to everyone. I’m always giggling and smiling and laughing when I’m around her. She’s so real and honest, but genuinely GOOD.

I just realized that it’s been 10 years since I was given the opportunity to get to know her. To get close to her and her family, her children, her beautiful newborn baby girl. Her daughter was my first real experience with a baby and I loved it. I learned so much. And it is amazing to me to realize that I’m about the same age that my friend was, 10 years ago when she had her daughter. What a circle! And how amazing to now be able to reverse roles and have her with me, helping me, with my newborn baby.

We do serve and thoughtful, loving and compassionate God. With all of the struggles and sadness I’ve had to overcome and let go of in this situation, in my pregnancy, I’m so TRULY grateful to be able to share this miraculous experience with someone who will feel just as in awe with it all. And will have as much (if not more!) joy coming from her as I.

++She has her own blog (that I love) you can read it here http://ramblingsofamomaholic.blogspot.com/ ++

On another note, 12 days! And counting. ES has been lying on my sciatic nerve for about 5 days now. It is terrible, I’m going to be honest. It’s extremely hard to walk. BUT, it’s barable and I’m almost done.

I went to the doctor yesterday and he gave me good news! Es’s head is in my pelvis, I’m 50% effaced and Es is in the zero position. Yaaay!! He’s getting ready! The doctor said I could have a faster, better labor because of this. ES is doing the pre-work! And he could come before/by his due date.

He’s due the 8th, but I am predicting the 6th. (as is my sister!) It’s a Saturday, my last day of work could be that Friday before, I’m getting a ‘trigger’ massage that Friday night and, not to be gross, but I just feel like that’s 40 weeks to the day from when I conceived ES. I’d also technically get 7 weeks then! Woot!

I keep dreaming about ES. He’s blond and blue eyed and beautiful. He’s a happy happy baby in my dreams. I can’t wait for him to be here. To know and leanr and love and bond with him. It’s scary and I have no true idea what to expect. But just about everything I imagine is magnificient. And anything else, I know God will help me through. He has a plan for us both.

I hate posting twice in one day, but in my defense we are getting awfully close, I didn’t post at all over the weekend, and these are exciting new developments (if you consider shopping for the bare necessities exciting).

Here’s the thing… love this because it goes all the way.

No, we didn’t buy this one.

Look at it.  It’s like a throne for an astronaut.  Love the color.  One purchase lasts from birth to booster seat.  Love it.  But, it’s $185.  I’m also kind of confused about how to use it, because I remember when my cousin Amy would bring her baby, Kyle (“baby,” who just got his drivers license), to Gammy and Papa’s house she’d bring him inside the house in the infant carrier.  I just feel like that’s more convenient for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, restaurants and all that kind of stuff than taking him out of the car seat and carrying him in.  I got a stroller that’s super lightweight and reeks of awesomeness.  It is perfect for Walt Disney World – it folds up pretty tight but it doesn’t have the infant seat component.  It just reclines back enough for a newborn.

At some point, I am going to be rolled out of the hospital and they’re going to need to see a car seat before they’ll let me leave.  Even if I had the dough for the Alpha-Omega… I don’t know if I can pull the trigger on it while I’m still confused about the carrier situation.  I have also registered for a really cool Chicco Travel System, but it all comes back to the same thing – okay, it’s $300 and I HAVE a kick-ass stroller already.  Do I want to spend all that money on this thing when I really just need the carrier?  I love the stroller part, too, but I hate how big and bulky those things are even when they’re folded down.  It would take up the vast majority of the back of the 4Runner.  And while we could probably fit a few duffel bags back there with it, I don’t know whether or not we could fit a few duffel bags, a Pack ‘n’ Play, a baby tub, a diaper bag, and a dog.

Enter craigslist.  We bought a Graco Travel System for $75.  For $75, I don’t mind taking a risk on a travel system that includes a bulky stroller that we never use.  I was really hoping to spend $25-$40 for a used infant car seat/carrier that would carry us through the first few months while we decided what we liked, so I don’t mind dropping $50 on a stroller that it will click into.  That’s fine.  If we hate it, we can sell it on craigslist.  Maybe we’ll enjoy the travel system.  Who knows?

Our “new” stroller and car seat!

Now, Pack ‘n’ Plays… they are so advanced.  It used to just be a cloth/metal/plastic playpen.  Now it’s that, but with different heights, a bassinet, a changing table, side storage and a character mobile.  Forget it.  I don’t want all that.  Once I get all of that put together I’m never going to want to take it back down and go anywhere.  It’s not temporary enough.  I do, however, LOVE the super-pricey Baby Bjorn Travel Crib.

Only $279!

Stream-lined.  Simple.  Portable.  TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-NINE DOLLARS.  And you’re probably going to want a crib sheet for that, and that’ll set you back an additional $43.  Yowza.

Enter craigslist.

I know Dragon Kid needs a place to sleep while we’re in VA.  I know I don’t like Pack ‘n’ Plays.  I know I don’t want to spend $200 on something I don’t like… but $40… I could go $40 on it.

Retail: $189.95
Because I’m so smart: $40. Boom baby!

Look at that.  Little happy can sleep right next to Papa Bear and Mama Bear… assuming he can sleep through the two of us sawing logs all night.  I don’t have to get up to feed him.  Just grab him and pull him into the bed.

All this talk about baby travel has made me really want that Puj tub.  Someone listed one on CL here in Charlotte, and I found a couple in DC.  If I could get my hands on it for $20-$25 I’d be one happy camper.  Cross your fingers for me.

Hook Hand Thug: Head down.
Flynn Rider: HEAD DOWN!
Hook Hand Thug: Arms In.
Flynn Rider: ARMS IN!
Hook Hand Thug: Knees apart.
Flynn Rider: KNEES APA – Knees Apart?

Little Happy’s head is down… “That boy has assumed the position!”  I don’t know how anyone can tell that by looking at my stomach, but apparently Dr. Wolanski can.  Feeling kind of crampy, but now that I think about it, it’s not as bad as regular period cramps, but it is a sign that my body’s getting ready to get this wagon train a-rollin’.  Everyone says when it’s labor you will definitely know – so I’m not worried about that.  Dr. Wolanski said he’s 95% sure this week will be uneventful and it’s safe to go back to Charlotte, so that’s what we did.  Doc also said that if the worst should happen, you know, if my water does break – we have plenty of time.  Just call him, tell him what’s happening and he’ll tell us what to do.

So, this week will be spent packing and cleaning and packing some more.  I need to buy a car seat, probably from Craigslist for the time-being.  I also need a solid name.

I want a really good name, like Thomas Andrew La or Wendy Michelle Johnson.  I had so many excellent girl names.  Oh boy, what am I going to do.

I think I also need to print and fill out one of those birth plans.  How does that work?  Does anyone in the hospital actually read/honor those?  I spent a lot of time telling Tom my demands last night on the way home.  It’s nice to have that dude in my corner 24/7.  An example is, okay, there will be hundreds of thousands of photos taken of this kid throughout his lifetime… I want Daddy to take the very first one.  I can’t think of other things on the birth plan.  Drugs, yes.  Water birth, no… although I really would like an excuse to get in the Jacuzzi in my MJH birth room.  Keep the placenta, HELLLLLLLL NO.

I get updates from different baby websites in my inbox, today: “Especially for you this week on thebump.com: CRAZY Labor and Delivery Stories!”  Really, thebump.com?  Why the HELL would you think I want to read that right now?

Uncle Haley turned 22 on the 22nd.  Dee Dee came and it was like, “Birthdays all around!”  She brought me a birthday present and Mom a birthday present and Haley a birthday present and Baby a birthday present!  She had some things off the registry including the first thing I registered for (back when I thought we were pregnant in Sept. 2011):

It makes me SO happy, and is going to look great in his room next to his orange lamp.  It reminds me how devastated I was when my period came that time, and how elated we were to finally get that positive test a few months later.  She bought a Finding Nemo sleeper that features Bruce and the other sharks, it really makes me want to name him Bruce.  That thing is SO much cuter in person than online!  It’s no longer in stock, and I feel like I want to find it in every size now.

I need to finish the changing table.  It’s almost all sanded… and I need to paint it.  I was always planning dark blue and lime green, even back when I was sure my baby was a girl.  I never bought newborn cloth diapers.  I think I’ll just have to use the disposables while we’re in VA and work out the cloth when we get back home.

I’m slowly, and I mean slowly getting excited about seeing his face.  This surprise has been building for months and months… and is finally about to be revealed.  You know that I’m crazy and have only been cautiously optimistic all this time.  I start thinking about how “all this time” goes back to the Super Bowl.  Tom and I were both in the bathroom and just cried and cried.  Happy crying!  Really, I thought something might be up when Dad, Lindsay, Haley and I went to Daytona for the Rolex 24.

We went over to WDW and took this picture at Animal Kingdom the day before the race.  Look at my face.  I’m thinking, “they don’t even KNOW!”

Yeah. Right now it’s a cartoon lion baby. Give it 9 months.

I’m not sure why Dad’s yawning.

How far along? 19 weeks
Baby is the size of a: Large heirloom tomato or a mango
Total weight gain: 8 pounds. I honestly thought I lost weight this week so this is a relief.
Maternity clothes? Nothing new as far as ‘maternity’ goes but making a lot of use of those skinny belts I bought last week.
Stretch marks? Nothing yet. Lathering up my belly with lotion or tummy butter at least once a day.
Sleep: The dreams are still out of control and since Jim wakes up every morning at 5:30am I’ve been struggling with getting back to sleep but not bad at all compared to the horror stories of a lot of pregnant friends.
Movement: Straight up karate kicks lately. I am absolutely loving feeling the baby move, it’s so damn cool.
Best moment this week: Jim feeling the baby kick for the first time. Such a wonderful moment.
Miss Anything: Being able to paint my toenails without being totally uncomfortable. It’s almost time to hire Jim as my toenail painter.
Belly button in or out? It’s about to pop out, it’s only a matter of time.
Food cravings: McDonald’s fries. Pomegranates. Ice cold water. Lunchables Pizza. Apple cider.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not a thing.
Labor Signs: No.
Symptoms: Leaky boobs like crazy. I’ve had to invest in what Jim calls ‘boobpons’. I feel so sexy these days.
Engagement ring on or off? On and loose like crazy. Although I’m gaining weight in my bump I am certain I am losing it every where else.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Jim isn’t here so I can’t ask him but I had a good week. As long as I don’t get hangry [hungry+angry] then all is well in the world.
Looking forward to: Finding out the baby’s gender on Friday and going back to Rhode Island to visit my family on Sunday.

& these two are from Week 18 that I took after I made the post and didn’t want to leave them out because I love my outfits way too much.

The hot Colombian singer and her boyfriend, Gerard Pique, ”are very happy awaiting the arrival of [their] first baby,”  Shakira posted on her website. Gerad, who is 10 years her senior, is a soccer player for FC Barcelona and is just as hot as Miss Shakira if I say so myself. That is going to be one good looking baby.

For now, Shakira will be postponing  promotional activities and even cancelled her performance at Friday’s iHeartRadio Music festival in Las Vegas.

Congratulations, Shakira! We hope you’ll still be able to belly dance when this is all said and done.

 

Hip don’t lie star is going to be a mommy soon! She is expecting her first child with Spanish soccer star Gerard Piqué. On her Fb, fan page, she announced her baby news and sated that she would want to prioritize her life around the baby!

We wish you a very healthy & happy pregnancy! God bless ya!!

The MJH Diabetes Nurse Educator suggested I make a list of things from Tom to bring me in the hospital after the baby is born.  That is what I’ve got so far.  I’ve been writing it down in the back of the log book that came with my meter.  I should also put granola cereal and lots and lots of fruit on there, because that has also raised my blood sugar so I haven’t been able to have it.

I’m just too damn sweet.

I’ve gotten in the habit now of eating meat and vegetables and not much else.  I can’t imagine that it’s very good for me to have so much red meat.  (Before you say anything, I have had enough chicken!)  I wonder how hard it will be to revert back to cereal and applesauce for breakfast.  A sub would be nice.  I miss sandwiches.

BUT!

My numbers this week have been declining.  I’m thrilled.  I’ve gone from 135 – 170 on 9/4-9/6 to 87 – 127 so far this week.  I guess, that doesn’t mean anything to you unless you are diabetic, but I’m supposed to keep it under 120.  The MJH DNE said the placental hormone production peaks at 36 weeks, which was 9/9.

So although we’re not done pricking and bleeding and metering and logging yet… we’re getting there.  Won’t be long now and Tom can bring me all the things on that list!  I was so frustrated with the whole thing, I’m glad to have a handle on it.

MOTHER NATURE’S SILVER SEED
Painted by Kathleen Mcguinness

EDITOR’S NOTE: While I was seeing Michael Anne’s story unfold in the pieces she shared, I got more and more excited about the idea of bringing the visuals from different places… It took all of three minutes for this painting to reveal itself as the match. I am currently filling the coffers with treats from all of our collaborators (Michael Anne is not only a writer, but also an amazing visual artist and musician). As the Palace Salon defines itself, more and more conversations like this one will take place. We are very excited to see what emerges from these mufti-talented artists! Stay with us! –R M-H

On the following Tuesday (2 days after leaving the hospital) I woke up with a really terrible headache. I am prone to tension headaches and headaches from dehydration so I chalked my pain up to new baby stress and forgetting to drink water. By wednesday night the migraine had become so terribly painful… I was almost wishing to trade it for labor contractions again! Thursday morning I finally decided to call my OB’s office; after heading in for a blood pressure check and finding that it was 192/106 my doctor told us (in a very calm voice so as not to alarm me I guess) to head over to the emergency room and that she was going to call ahead of us and talk to the ER triage nurse about her concerns for preeclampsia (which can apparently occur after you’ve already had your baby, though it’s not so common).

The adventure begins.

We get to the ER. I have to explain numerous times to nurses that I’ve “already had my baby” and “well, apparently it can happen even after you’ve had your baby”. Well, we sat and we waited and we waited. The waiting room was packed (crazy for a Thursday morning!). Charlotte slept perfectly for most of the 2 hours that we waited (I know right?! TWO HOURS before even being called back!). Eventually, though, she got hungry while in the waiting room. Being new to the whole nursing thing, I wasn’t coordinated enough yet to juggle her and a nursing cover and all parts required to nurse her right there (with the whole waiting room looking on). If I could do it over I would have asked a nurse to let me use a room or sit behind a curtain or something, but that didn’t occur to me at the moment. I was just trying to help my screaming child and find any sort of relief from the headache monster. I ended up nursing her in the bathroom (EEK, I know!) and almost cried from the thought of her breathing in those germs (along with all the germs she probably breathed in from the waiting room).

Eventually we were given a room in the ER. Blood draw, urine sample, CT scan (just to be thorough). I was eventually diagnosed with postpartum hypertension and started on magnesium treatment (to prevent seizures) and medication to lower my blood pressure. No relief from the migraine yet. We spent at least 4 more hours in the ER, and of course, my newborn daughter needed to nurse about two more times during those hours. The problem was that the ER nurse placed my IV port at the inside of my elbow so I wasn’t able to bend my arm to hold her, let alone nurse her. Chris is now an expert on nursing and could probably become an excellent lactation consultant, should he so desire, because of all that he had to do to help me. It was certainly a learning experience.

We were finally told we would be admitted and we were moved up to the Labor and Delivery department where they could better monitor my progress and were better equipped to handle preeclampsia issues. My nurse immediately moved my IV port to my forearm so I could move my arms a little better, saying “Those ER nurses don’t know nothin’ about nursing mamas and their babies”! Bless her. I was hooked up to a magnesium drip for more ‘seizure management’. Unfortunately, my body wasn’t able to process the magnesium very well because by the next morning I had magnesium toxicity. I don’t recall this because I guess I was ‘out of it’ but Chris tells me that when the morning nurse came in after shift change she freaked out and began unplugging things, hooking up other things and called for a doctor (I’m pretty sure the word “STAT” was shouted in a very Grey’s Anatomy sort of way). The nurse told me later that when she saw that I was white as a sheet (even my lips) and limp as a rag doll that I gave her 20 gray hairs. My doctors decided that the risk from more magnesium treatment was greater than the risk of seizure so they discontinued the magnesium. Because it was still in my body, though, I was on a strict ‘liquid only’ diet (due to aspiration risk), which, roughly translated meant my nurse got to decide how many ice chips I could eat. Sad day for a girl who loves food.

To add to all of this, the doctors noticed that my creatinine levels (That’s some kidney lingo for those of you out there who don’t know) were very high and they were not sure if it was caused by the stress of the hypertension on my body or if it was something that was pre-existing. More blood draws, urine samples, ultrasounds of my kidneys, etc. No real answers. (Even as I’m writing this 4 weeks later, the nephrologist just told me at my outpatient visit “Well, something is jacked up with your kidneys, but we don’t really know what it is”).

This drama with hypertension, magnesium toxicity, and questionable kidney function went on for 4 days.  Also, there was a catheter involved. Vomiting (apparently pregnancy + me = vomiting). Some tears. Begging for food. More tears. Hair and face a mess from not being able to shower (well whole body a mess, really). Bed rest and orders from the doctors that I needed someone with me (especially when it came to taking care of Charlotte).  I am sort of able to laugh about the craziness of it now…. sort of.

Throughout all of this, though, Chris was my knight in shining armor. This was a true test of “in sickness and in health” (which oddly enough wasn’t actually a part of our wedding vows, just implied I guess). I’m not sure how he did it, but Chris managed to care for our newborn daughter and care for me (since I was on bed rest and ‘out of it’ for a bit) as well as stay emotionally strong. Not once did he complain. He kept me laughing (with episodes of Wipeout), he kept me relaxed (with a mix on my iPod), he took care of our daughter, and he very smartly kept me in the dark about things that would have made me freak out had I known what was going on at the time. He is truly an amazing husband and I couldn’t be more proud to be his wife.

God truly provided for us throughout this whole ordeal. We actually had to tell people they shouldn’t come visit in order to keep the atmosphere ‘calm’ and less stress-inducing. That’s how awesome our family, friends, and church are… we had to turn them away! There are no words to express how grateful we are for all of the support we received through meals, visits to the hospital, prayer, and family and friends willing to stay and ‘supervise’ me so Chris could have a break.

I guess all I can say is ‘thank you’.

To tie it in to the blog… I’m anxious.  I bet you can see it on my face.  But, today’s a much better day than yesterday.  I’m puttin’ my behind in my past and moving on.  Reopened a lot of baby gifts from Courtney Ryalls… just feeling really blessed.  I bought giraffe thank you notes and sat them on the kitchen counter at the old house.  After 2 weeks of searching and not finding them, I broke down and bought some lesser thank you notes.  I didn’t want to do it, but I mean, c’mon… it’s been almost 2 freakin’ weeks.

I’m listening to a Disney Theme Park Audio radio station right now that happens to be playing the entire Haunted Mansion ride from Disneyland.  I think I sat down at the computer right as he said the bit about the disquieting metamorphosis.  I love that ride.  I am so homesick for Disney World.

The Disney Vacation Club Member Cruise is happening this week.  Dad wanted to go, but we opted not to because of the baby.  What if he came early, you know?  Of course now, sitting here, I can see we’re no where close.  He’s still up way high and everything.  The doc checked my cervix and isn’t worried.  We would have been fine.

Then again… we need to save Tom’s days off for the weeks after the baby and our anniversary in December.  So, I guess we really couldn’t afford it.

Now the music from El Rio del Tiempo in Mexico at Epcot is on.  Takes me back.  I can smell it.  If you’re not in my family, that probably makes no sense.  I think our new anniversary tradition is trying something new every year.  Last year, Tom and I ate at San Angel Inn for the first time and had priority seating for the Candlelight Processional.  It was so romantic.  Everything is romantic with Tommy, but it was just really neat.  I’ve ridden past our table countless times while I was on the ride and always wondered what it would be like.  Last year we got to find out.

Mexico at twilight… always at twilight.

Temple with Donald’s Gran Fiesta Tour boats passing. Tom’s ear.

Dessert! Natilla de Cajeta: Caramelized “cajeta” custard cream served
with seasonal berries and sugar powder.

One of these years I think we’ll do Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party at the Magic Kingdom.  Maybe when the baby is 5 or so.  One of these years I want to do a private fireworks cruise.  One of these years I want to celebrate Christmas with a sleigh ride at Fort Wilderness.  I guess the new thing this year is that we’re taking another person with us.  I think I will wait in line for as long as it takes to get baby’s picture with Mickey Mouse.

While I’ve got you… WHAT THE HECK SHOULD I NAME MY KID?!  You may think that we’re being aloof.  We’re not.  I still don’t have a boy’s name that I love.  We’re dangerously close to Mickey if we don’t come up with something.

I just read a blog post that I wrote a while back hoping baby would be born on 10/11/12.  I had totally forgotten about that!  I’ve just been so excited to see what he looks like, I was hoping he’d come asap.  Now I’m thinkin’ it’d be cool to hold off.  Oh well.

S is turning 14 months in a few days. She’s been walking since 11 months. She has 5 teeth and is working on tooth number 6. Her favorite words are: “ball” “daddy” “monkey” “uh oh”. She also says a variety of words, such as: “bug” “book” “duck” and “Ducky”, “stuck” “dirty” “up”. She nods her head for yes and shakes her head for no, she has a beautiful sense of humor and laughs a lot. She is very smart, she’s curious, happy, tender hearted and silly. She loves being helpful, grabbing her broom and helping me sweep the floor.

There have been some big changes for us all lately. We very recently bought a house, and moved in right away. It’s taken some adjusting for us all, and slowly but surely we’re making it our own.

Speaking of changes, I’ve gone back to work. My maternity leave ended and I found a new job! I no longer work in cold, wet labouring conditions or come home smelling like a haddock. I work 5 minutes from home with a great bunch of local folks in a general store. And might I add, I love my new job! I also quite enjoy the people I’ve come to know who shop there.

Who knows what other changes there will be to report next time I blog.

I read somewhere that artists are prone to being over-sensitive and depressed.  ::shrug::  I don’t know… I guess it’s just one of those days.  I’m apprehensive about everything that motherhood entails.  I’m making mountains out of molehills.  Tom asked me today, “what’s wrong?”  And I said something about a college fund.

I just can’t seem to get my head on straight.

I feel bad for letting people down, for not being giddy all the time.  I was already a worrier, already anxious.  Now there’s all this extra hormonal stuff going on… I feel out of it.  I feel like a disappointment.  I feel like everyone’s stoked about the fact that there’s going to be a baby in the family, but they’re also kind of bummed because it’s mine.  (Someone very hateful actually told me once, years ago, that she feels sorry for my future off-spring because they’ll have me for a mom… I try not to think about it, and to consider the source, but it’s still pretty painful all these years later.)

So, then… do I say something?  Do I talk about my feelings?  Because my feelings are wrong.  Most people, I don’t know, they just don’t understand what I could possibly be complaining about.  How can I possibly be sad now?!

I don’t know.  I just am.  I don’t even feel completely comfortable writing this because I’m afraid of the fallout.  I should just write about my awesome visit with Dr. Wolanski on Friday and happy things that people actually want to read about.  Sunshine.  Lollipops.  Glitter.  Rainbows.  Why am I so weird?  Why is all the happiness tempered with this overwhelming anxiety?  I don’t know what I want.  I just want to be honest and say I don’t feel good.  This is my blog, dammit, and I’m going to tell you the truth about my feelings.

I want to be like Lindsay and Trudy.  Outgoing, life of the party, happy, hilarious… FUN TO BE AROUND.  Why am I stuck being me?!  It suuuuucks.  Cynical.  Sarcastic.  Downright mean sometimes.  I think I’m being funny and people are like, “what the h*ll is the matter with you?”  I’m not trying to be mean!  I was telling Dad and Haley at dinner at Outback the other night that I wanted a birthday re-do and was going to tell the waitress that my birthday was a bad night and they were like, “you don’t have to be a jerk about it.”  And I said, “I’m not!”  But they were both like, “actually… you are.”

I’m not calling you out, Haley (or Dad, although he has probably never read any of these entries).  It was unanimous around the table that I was harsh.  I had no idea.

I mean, I’m starting to think that I have no redeeming qualities except a functioning reproductive system.  But I can’t make people like me.

I’m not outgoing and fun to be around, I guess… I’m just not, but I’ve got other stuff going for me.  I’m smart.  Ask me anything about Disney – I can tell you anything you want to know.  I can paint.  I am crafty.  I can organize the sh*t out of an art closet.  I don’t do much of anything unless my whole heart is in it.  I’m thoughtful and compassionate… and despite how Dad, Haley and Tom felt about my little monologue at Outback, I’m very sweet.  I was nice to the waitress, and for me there was no discernible difference between the way I said it to them and the way I said it to her.

While we’re on the subject of who I am and what I stand for, I’m sincere… not judgmental.  I’d like to think if I’m telling you something, something important, if I’m going out on that limb coming into your life trying to rebuke and admonish or even just connect, that you’d understand how much I care about you and that I thought we had that kind of deep relationship.  I thought I could come to you with anything and everything.  You think it’s easy to waltz right up to someone and say, “you’re doing it wrong?”  No way man… that takes a lot of freakin’ guts!  God’s put some stuff on my heart, things that cause me worry and anxiety, things that I want to share with you and you think I’m just being critical – just looking down my nose and judging you.

Nothing happened!  I mean… I’m not talking about a recent event – so cool your jets – I’m just saying people look at me and think I’m judging them.  I get that a lot.  I’m not over here in silence staring you up and down criticizing your life choices.  I don’t talk because I’m shy.  Bottom line.  I’m wishing I could be more like you, over there having fun and doing your thing.  I’m shy and I hate it.

If it’s important, like Richard Sherman is just standing by himself on the deck of the Disney Wonder, or Jim Korkis (great guy!) is sitting alone right in front of me in the Walt Disney Theater, or I run into Virginia Davis in a hallway, then I am going to make a move.  If it’s important, like I’m worried about you, or I feel like we are growing apart, then that’s a move I have to make as well.  Not easy.

I woke up early today and didn’t have breakfast even though I know I need to check my blood sugar.  Sometimes I sleep in and miss breakfast… but today I was up early and everything and STILL skipped it.

It still hasn’t set in that there is a person inside me.  I know he’s there, he’s moving.  If he’s born today, he’ll be full-term and he will live.  It’s important for me to say that to myself.  He is alive.  He will live.  Even now, I find myself saying to myself, “well, barring any unforeseen circumstance,” but, I mean, I’ve got to stop that.  It’s a habit that I got into as we dealt with infertility.  Cautious optimism.  I want to be happy, but I can’t get too happy, because there’s always the chance I will find myself on the floor in the fetal position begging God for answers.  Again.

I guess if you care about me and are reading this, it’s important that you see that.  You know?  The weak moment.  Maybe it’ll help you understand the weirdness, and why I am not just straight-up happy.  He kicks me all day, but you’re much more likely to believe he’s really there than I am.  Part of me can’t understand that we made a baby and won’t trust it until the thing is in my arms.

In my arms.

Really… he will live.  He’ll eat.  He’ll sleep.  He’ll poop.  He’ll cry.  And he’ll start kindergarten, and he’ll do wushu with his dad, and we’ll ride Winnie the Pooh and Dumbo at Disney World, and he’ll wear hats and sunglasses, and he’ll throw a baseball through a window then lie about it, and he’ll place in the science fair, and he’ll spend summers working in the restaurant and learning Chinese, and his grandparents will take him to visit distant cousins, and his grandparents will take him on Disney Cruises, and we’ll give him charging privileges on his Key to the World card and he’ll buy way too much, and he’ll keep an eye on his little sister and fight with her and say, “that’s not fair,” and he’ll go to band camp, and he’ll graduate high school, and he’ll go to college, and he’ll meet a girl, and I’ll wonder who the h*ll she thinks she is…

But he will live.  He will.

From way back: “Impression: Single living intrauterine pregnancy.  No complications noted.”

You know what really makes me mad… I can’t find my ankle bones.  My feet are that swollen.

—

I wish I had a picture with Jim Korkis.  I have pictures OF him.  We met at the Disney Institute when I was 15, then became Pen Pals after I saw him on the Disney Cruise in 2003.  He even took Courtney and I around Epcot one day.  Really awesome, awesome guy.

How far along? 18 weeks
Baby is the size of a: Bell Pepper
Total weight gain: 8 pounds. Looks like I’m averaging a pound a week at this point, exactly what my doctor said I should be gaining.
Maternity clothes? Making regular clothes work because I’m still anti maternity clothes. Cardigans and stetchy tanks have been my best friends lately.
Stretch marks? Nothing to report.
Sleep: My crazy dreams continue. Hey, at least they’re entertaining.
Movement: What an active little critter I got in there. Tickles, wiggles, stretches and kicks. I am absolutely loving it.
Best moment this week: Being able to bend over without feeling wicked uncomfortable.
Miss Anything: A tie between waking up and feeling beautiful every day this week AND buying a fire pit for an autumn of fires and s’mores.
Belly button in or out? Still in, but becoming more shallow every day.
Food cravings: McDonald’s fries. Frozen Yogurt. Iced Tea. Lemonade. Milk. Ice cold water. Starbucks Coffee.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing. I’m a beast these days.
Labor Signs: No.
Symptoms: Not a thing. I am loving pregnancy right now. I hope this lasts.
Engagement ring on or off? On and loose. All my ‘fluff’ has gone to my bump, I’m losing mass every where else.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Just asked Jim for the weekly report. “Happy, for the most part. You had a good week.”
Looking forward to: My trip back home to Rhode Island in a little over two weeks!

Hey, where did my feet go?! *bends over* Oh, there they are! =]