(Disclaimer- R rated- adult language)

Pictures are great, but they don’t take the place of hearing John’s voice.

Last weekend, I was feeling tremendously lonely and called his cell phone just the hear him say, “John Smith.”  I know… silly… irrational.  I haven’t been able to cancel his cell yet… it’s an emotional thing…

Well… I dialed the number and waited and waited… then on came an automated voice and said the number.  I bawled… and bawled…  and bawled…  Apparently, he had never done a personalized greeting on his new phone…

I know that we have a few YouTube videos of him and Nathaniel… today, I pulled out some sort of inner strength to watch them… the love that John shows for Nathaniel just breaks my heart.  Hearing John’s voice makes me miss him so very, very much. So, I don’t know that this exercise has been therapeutic for me… I don’t feel very healed…  I’m grieving… heavily.

August 29, 2008- Nathaniel opening his first present- This was back when life was good.  Back when John had beaten cancer– he was a cancer SURVIVOR.  Back before stage III.  Before Stage IV.  What a difference a FUCKING year makes Damn I miss him

November 20, 2008- Nathaniel’s First Cereal- The quality on this video isn’t the greatest, but it has John’s laugh.  John was the one feeding him.  John was so meticulous… he’d be rolling his eyes at me not cutting Nathaniel’s food small enough and letting it get all over his face and hands…  John was somebody who could eat crabs- lots of them- and keep his fingers clean!  People marveled over how he ate his food- I’ll save that for another topic.

Christmas 2009- Nathaniel’s first Christmas

12 months together… 3 videos… FUCK!!!  I wish there were 3 million videos.  Damn it!!!!  Are their more videos of John and Nathaniel?  Quite possibly.  Any good ones?  Doubtful.  Who knows when I’ll have time to wade through everything to see.

FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!!!  Sometimes you just need to say that…Usually it makes me feel a little better to get a good swear out every now and then… not tonight…

My heart aches.  Off to cry.

Nice deep breaths.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Repeat.

Baby steps… baby steps… feels more like I’m walking backwards right now… sigh…