It’s day three in my contest with my friend. So far, I have tracked my food and exercise every day, although Tuesday I went over my daily calorie allowance. I’m not too upset by this because my dietician told me about the 80/20 rule: eating well 80% of the time, and allowing yourself times when you can splurge just a little. The important part is that I tracked what I splurged on.

Today, my sons and I went for a lovely hike by the ocean. It was a beautiful day and I got a great workout in while spending time with my boys. I am noticing that when I do exercise, I feel more in control of things. This is a good feeling

This past week, I have been feeling more motivated. Perhaps it’s because I’m doing a friendly competition. But, I also think it may be because I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately, revisiting my past. It hasn’t been easy – in fact, at times, it’s been downright painful. My counsellor even gave me permission to engage in emotional eating right now to help comfort and nurture myself during this period.

I’ve never truly climbed a mountain – not yet at least – but that’s what this feels like… finally facing the hurtful voices from my past. I have come to recognize that I still do listen to the voices that told me over and over that I am fat and no good. Slowly, I am learning that these voices aren’t my truth, and that I no longer have to listen to them. Slowly, I am learning that I am, indeed, beautiful and deserving of love, and that my self worth is not related to my physical appearance. These voices are my biggest obstacle to my success. If I keep listening to them, I’ll keep believing them, and their truth will become my truth. I don’t want that. I don’t want those voices telling me that I do not deserve to be beautiful, healthy, thin, fit, loved and loving…. I don’t want to keep hearing those voices. And I don’t have to, either.

There is a very good reason that those people who spoke those words are no longer in my life. I chose to leave those people. They are no longer part of my life. And, just as I chose to physically distance myself from those people, I can chose to stop hearing their voices.  I had the strength and power to physically leave, and I have the strength and power to stop hearing their words.

As I think about this, I realize that I have, of late, surrounded myself by some pretty amazing people. People who love me, believe in me, support me and cheer me on. Not one of my friends has told me that I am fat, ugly and don’t deserve love. In fact, I have recently had a friend tell me how awesome I am, and one tell me that I deserve to be happy and be loved. I can see now that I truly have a great group of people in my life. I no longer need to listen to the voices from my past because I’m filling my heart with voices from the present… and I have learned how to fill my present with some pretty amazing people.

I keep saying that the biggest part of this whole journey is a mental one.  I have to believe in myself. I have to see myself as capable and deserving of being fit and healthy. The last three days, I have made good progress towards this. I am especially proud of the way that my emotional and mindless eating has been minimal.

I’m really beginning to think that I can do this. I am beginning to believe that I can lead a life of health and fitness.

I still can’t believe the response I’ve gotten to this blog. What amazes me is not only that people are reading it (I figured at least my friends would read it), but that complete strangers are reading it and following it! So cool!

But what thrills me the most is the support I’m getting from close friends and strangers alike. One of the best things I’ve encountered since starting this blog is another blog with a very similar theme, Fat Girl PhD. Today, she wrote a great post about how she has managed to lose 110 lbs without the use of gimmicky, fad diets. I absolutely love her blog – she is such an inspiration for me, seeing someone with a similar problem be successful. The best part about her blog is that she is going to start sharing some recipes, meal plans, exercise tips and tools. I just can’t wait to see what she has to post, and to learn from her experiences!

The other amazing source of inspiration and support is my friend Jodi. Tomorrow morning, we begin a week long challenge. The goal? To track our food using iPhone apps (she uses Lose It, I use My Fitness Pal – both very similar). The person who tracks the most for the week is declared the winner; the loser buys coffee. I am game!

I am a competitive person, and I am SO going to win this challenge. Plus, it’s not like it’s an actual weight loss competition. That wouldn’t be fair because I think I’d win since one of us isn’t going to a wedding this weekend. And, I’m glad it’s not an exercise challenge – one of us (hint: not me!) did FemSport earlier this year. If you think about it, it’s kind of like competitive eating, just instead of eating two hundred hot dogs in 5 minutes, we’re eating and keeping track of it. I didn’t even say that we had to eat healthy, just that we had to track what we ate. I could eat donuts and pizza all week, but as long as I write it all down, I win.

Betcha didn’t see that one coming, my friend!

]]> http://fitb440.wordpress.com/2012/07/12/yay/ Fri, 13 Jul 2012 05:04:18 +0000 karenlynne73 http://fitb440.wordpress.com/2012/07/12/yay/

Okay, okay, I know. Don’t just rely on the scale. You are more than just a number. I know.

But it sure is nice to see that number go down. Stepped on the scale today, and I’m down about 3 lbs, and it feels good. I haven’t seen the scale move in a long time. Wait. No. That’s not true. It’s been moving, just the wrong way.

What changes have I made this week that have led to my success? I’ve been significantly cutting down on my snacking and mindless eating. I haven’t been overly finicky about eating “perfectly,” measuring all my food, eating the right amount of this and that. I’ve focused – almost unintentionally – on eating only when I’m hungry. I’m getting better at asking myself “Why do you want to eat? Are you truly hungry right now?” And it seems to be working.  That, and the fact that I’ve been bopping around for 3 hours every morning leading the music at our church’s annual Vacation Bible School. I’ve been doing a LOT of moving. You know what? It feels great!

My dietician called for a follow up appointment today, and asked how things have been going. She was so enthusiastic and encouraging. She spent time to ask me what I thought of all the resources she sent me, what stuck out for me, any questions I had, and asked what changes I had made this week. She was so helpful! And positive… really, really positive (not in a sickly sweet way, just really positive).  The resources she sent me are going to be very helpful.

I can now see that I have to make slow steady progress fuelled by healthy lifestyle changes and creating good habits.  I am not going to see instantaneous changes. It is not going to happen over night. I think that’s why I’m writing this blog – to chronicle the changes I’m making, and have  a record of my successes. (What I didn’t anticipate was the responses I’ve had! It’s nice to know that people are finding these posts helpful!)

We live in an instantaneous society. We want things now. We want results right away. When we don’t get results right away, we become discouraged. It would be all too easy to see the scale stagnate and want to give up.  Even though I tell myself that my success is not based solely on the numbers on the scale, it still felt great to see that I had lost weight!

Definitely a step in the right direction.

One article on Katie wrote got me thinking about the issue of body image. She listed some interesting statistics about body image (which I would encourage you to go and read). What struck me was the high percentage of people – both men and women – who struggle with body image issues. It doesn’t seem to matter if you’re overweight, underweight, short, or tall, young or old: pretty much everyone has something about themselves with which they are not happy.

And, honestly? I’m one of them. I really don’t like the way I look. I see myself in the mirror, and all I can see is a body which I don’t like, and am convinced repulses everyone around me. The way I see my body is a huge obstacle preventing me from truly loving myself. And, I think if I loved myself more, I may be more motivated to take care of my body. At least, that’s the way I think it works. (Something tells me, though, that I may have it wrong – perhaps if I took better care of my body, I’d love myself more!)

It doesn’t help that, during my formative years, I had numerous people tease me about being overweight. I was a chubby pre-teen girl (who eventually outgrew the baby fat and ended up with a great figure in high school, only I didn’t recognize how beautiful I was). Those words really stuck with me, and I feel the echoes of them even to this day. Add to that the societal pressure to conform to unrealistic body shapes, and the “quick fix’ diet industry (of which I have been a victim for far too long), and *bang* you’ve got one grown woman with incredibly low self esteem when it comes to body image.

For the last month or so, I’ve been feeling really down. I think my body image has been the culprit for this case of the blues. And, because I’ve been feeling down, I haven’t been putting as much effort into my appearance, which makes me feel worse about myself.

A few months ago, I was actually making progress in this department. I took an inventory of my body and all of the wonderful things it’s done for me over the years. Giving birth and nurturing three babies who have grown into fine young men. Carrying me through not one but two university degrees. It’s survived numerous illnesses and injuries. In short, my body has always been there for me, supporting me in everything I do, and, basically, loving me unconditionally.

And what do I do to it? I ignore it. I look for its faults and flaws, then criticise it. I feed it unhealthy foods. I don’t exercise it enough. Holy cow! Most people take better care of their pets than I do of my body. And honestly: I deserve better care than a pet cat!

So now what? What do I do to change my body image? I don’t know. I really don’t. I suppose I need to start taking better care of my body, feeding it healthier foods and exercising more. I also need to change my mindset, and accept the body God has given me. Sure, I don’t have the body of a 1940s pin-up model (which, if you ask me, is gorgeous! That’s what I want to look like some day – beautiful, healthy and curvaceous),  but I am healthy. I can walk unassisted. I can bend down and tie my shoes. My body allows me to dance and celebrate.

My body deserves to be loved. After all, look how far it has brought me!

After talking to her, I was not all that impressed at first. A lot of what she said sounded like stuff I’ve heard at Weight Watchers meetings. And, c’mon – weight loss is just common sense, right? Eat less, eat healthier, move more. (And, really, if it was that simple, I wouldn’t be writing this blog now, would I?). She said that she would send me some stuff via email, and we booked a follow up call for later this week.

I waited and waited for the email to arrive. It didn’t come until a few days later, and I only just now had the opportunity to sit down at my computer and read through what she sent.

Let me tell you: I am now thoroughly impressed!

It is very comprehensive! There were 5 different attachments with the email:

1. A comprehensive meal plan and nutritional recommendations, personalized just for me. This is a 13 page document that she wrote specifically to meet my concerns, and address my issues. I can tell from what she wrote that she paid attention to what I said I like to eat, as the meal plan is truly based on my personal preferences!
2. Emotional Inventory Checklist: a list of over 100 different emotions to help me identify what I’m feeling when I want to succumb to emotional eating.
3. An instruction guide for the emotional inventory. Basically, what you do is this: when you feel like you’re about to eat for emotional reasons, take a minute to assess what you’re feeling, and place a check mark in front of the emotion on the list. Then, go ahead an eat. After eating, re-evaluate your feelings, and place a check mark behind the appropriate emotion on the list. After a week, you should be able to notice some trends.
4. A sheet called “Quick! Distract Me!” with a list of things to do when you feel like emotional eating.
5. A sheet titled “Ride the Craving Wave” with tips for dealing with cravings.

I’m quite excited about all of this. I think I’m going to print off the meal plan and nutritional recommendations and put it in a binder or something. I haven’t read through the entire thing carefully yet, just skimmed it, but the thing that caught my eye was a basic skeleton meal plan, outlining when to eat, (three meals and three snacks), and how many servings from the various food groups I should eat at each meal. This sounds like it may be incredibly useful. Hmm… I think I may need to print that off, laminate it, put some of those sticky magnets on the back and post it on my fridge!! (Gee– can you tell I’m a teacher? I own a laminating machine and keep a roll of sticky -backed magnets on hand).

Even though at first I wasn’t really impressed with this dietician, I am really glad I called. I finally feel like I have someone truly helping me. And, it didn’t cost a bunch of money!

Goes to show that you don’t need to spend lots to lose weight!

(Hmm…. I smell an entire new blog brewing for when I finish this one! Free & Fit? Dieting for a Dime? I’m sure I’ll come up with a good title in the next 11 months!)

But, I didn’t. Yay me!

I contemplated a cup of tea, but really: tea? Tea is decidedly NOT ice cream. The closest I’ve come to is some yogurt with frozen berries mixed in. Sweet, creamy, healthy. After this post, if I still feel like it, I will go to the kitchen and carefully measure out 1/2 c. fat free yogurt and 1/2 c. frozen berries.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I was craving ice cream. I do know that I’m feeling a bit emotional tonight… not quite sure why. Ok. That’s a lie. I know why. There are a bunch of reasons and a bunch of emotions.  However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I am actually hungry. Reflecting back on what I’ve eaten today, that makes sense:

Breakfast

1 cup Special K Fruit & Yogurt cereal with a banana and 1 c. milk

Snack

Some watermelon and two pieces of cheese with crackers, and two cookies (but they were small!)

Lunch

Low-fat english muffin toasted, with 1 tbsp fat free cream cheese and some deli ham. Followed by more watermelon.

Dinner

Beef tortellini with tomato sauce, and a Caesar salad (low fat dressing)

Okay, maybe, just maybe, I snuck a handful of chocolate chips somewhere along the way!

But really, that’s not much food. My portions were very controlled; at dinner, half my plate was salad. And, I’ve been drinking water all day to stay hydrated in this heat. So yes, it would make sense that I’m actually hungry.

So now? I’m going to go to the kitchen, take one of the small bowls out of the cupboard, and make some yogurt and frozen berries. And then? I’m going to write another blog post about my recent appointment with a dietician

See you in a few

Today, I used those two new apps I talked about yesterday.  I went for a 30 minute walk using the new walk tracker app. Every few minutes, a lovely voice came over the music to tell me how far I’d walked, how fast I was going, and how many calories I had burned. However, as I walked, I felt discouraged: the app told me I had only burned 40 calories after all that hard work! Turns out, I had forgotten to enter my weight and height. I’ll have to try it out again tomorrow.

The “My Fitness Pal” app is proving to be one of the easier food diary apps I’ve encountered. I love that you can scan a bar code and it enters the food for you! Any thing I’ve entered manually (without bar codes) has been in the database already. Ease of use is really important for me. So far, this one seems easy to use.

My walk this morning felt tortuous! I’ve stopped doing 5am yoga, and boy did I ever feel it walking up the big hill by my house. I know I need cardio, but without yoga, my body is just too stiff and sore to attempt cardio.

I think my problem is I tend to be a perfectionist. I want to do it all, and I want to do my best. When I went back to university a few years ago, I worked so hard to get good grades, and ended up with straight As every semester. I was really driven by the grades – insanely so!

I wish I could find that same motivation in this endeavour.  That drive I had when I was doing my degree. Sure, it was nice to have a professor give me great grades and lovely comments – it was wonderful extrinsic motivation. Maybe that’s my problem: the lack of extrinsic motivation. This is definitely a much more intrinsic thing. Although, I know that once I do start losing more weight and shaping up, I will be receiving compliments.

Hmmm…. definitely something to think about: the difference between extrinsic and intrinsic motivation.  I need to find that inner desire to drive me. That’s what truly successful people have – inner drive.

Successful people also have lots of love and support from their friends and family. That, I have in abundance! Thank you to all who are cheering me along! You really do keep me from quitting

Yes, I’ve been avoiding this blog. *sigh* At the beginning of last week, I had such noble goals, and a great plan in place. Then I crashed and burned.

But you know what? That’s okay. I haven’t quit. I’m not going to quit. I’m forgiving myself for ‘dropping the ball’ and putting the past behind me. Yay me!

So, what’s on the go with me right now?

Well, I discovered that, through the Employee Family Assistance Plan at work, I have access to dietician. I had a phone appointment with her today, and she’s going to send me a bunch of stuff via email, based on the conversation we had today.

I’ve also downloaded a few new (free!) apps. The first one, My Fitness Pal, was originally recommended to me by a friend, and then my dietician also recommended it. I downloaded it tonight, and will start using it to track my food with it tomorrow. I like the way you can scan bar codes – perfect for lazy people like me! I tried the SparkPeople app, and it’s okay. I know the importance of tracking my food – I just need to find an app that works for me

The other app I got wasn’t exactly “free” – it was from one of those little cards you get from the coffee shop. It’s called “Walk Tracker” and it looks very similar to “Map My Run” which I’ve used before. I’m hoping to try it out tomorrow morning.  I will review both these apps in the coming days as I get a feel for them.

That’s what I’ve been up to. That, and dealing with some intensely personal stuff which has left me somewhat emotionally drained. And, frankly, I’m proud of myself for facing some of this stuff. It isn’t easy, but I know if I can deal with it, it will help me deal with emotional eating issues.

The other day, I downloaded this app as a means of tracking my food. Since getting my iPhone 4 last year, I had been using the Weight Watchers app, and quite liked it. However, you can only use the WW app if you’re paying a monthly membership, which I’m no longer doing. I wanted to find something easy and convenient to help me keep track of what I’ve eaten and how much I’ve exercised, and this one was free. Plus, I’d used the SparkPeople website before, so I wasn’t entirely unfamiliar with it.

It took me a bit of time to get used to it. I really liked the WW app, and had become quite familiar with it. What is it with us humans and change? Oh well. I quickly got the hang of this new app. I like that it was a lot of different foods in its database, including restaurant food. I did notice that most of the commercially prepared food (including restaurants) was American brands we can’t get here in Canada. The format for adding foods is very similar to the WW app, and it allows you to add your own foods if you cannot find them in the database. You can also save foods to your favourites list.

One thing that I really like with the SparkPeople app are the graphs. I’m a visual learner, and seeing things represented pictorially really helps. The home screen looks like this:

I love the bar graph! It’s a great way to see how you’re doing and keep you on track. I found it very helpful today. I also could see that I hadn’t burned enough calories. The amount of calories you are “allowed” to consume and the calories you’re “supposed” to burn can be set up in the settings. You can input how much weight you’d like to lose, and how soon you’d like to lose it (at a healthy pace), and the app calculates your calorie intake and output.

There is also a calorie differential graph which shows how much you’ve eaten and how much you’ve burned including your Base Metabolic Rate. Other graphs include a breakdown of all the calories you’ve eaten for the day, and a monthly chart of calories burned. You can also track how much water you’ve consumed.

I guess the only thing about the WW app I prefer over this one is the way fruits and vegetables are zero points. I’m not sure which I prefer: counting calories or WW points. I’m leaning towards the WW points, because not all calories are created equal.

But, the price of the SparkPeople app is right: it’s free, and I can afford that.

As I reflect on my journey to be Fit by Forty, I realize that I’m trying to do it as inexpensively as possible. A few weeks back, I posted about all of the diet companies plying on our desire to lose weight quickly, and making big money off of our desperation. I am thinking about adding a new goal to my journey: trying to lose weight as cheaply as possible!

So far, all I’ve bought in the name of weight loss, since starting this blog, are some multivitamins. In recent months, I invested in a fitness game for the Wii, some yoga DVDs and a really good pair of running shoes. I think, in total, I’ve spent less than $200 in the last three months on weight loss paraphernalia. And, most of the money I’ve spent has been on reusable, non-consumable things.

I truly believe that you can lose weight for next-to-nothing. You do not need to spend hundreds of dollars to be healthy. And dang it, I’m gonna prove it!

Ok, so today I’m kinda pissed off. A friend told me I’d have more “social capital” if I was thin. This was in reference to my frustration at blind dates who seemed nice, only to hear that “the chemistry just isn’t there.” Argh. Are all men so shallow as to not see beyond a person’s physical appearance? Hell, I’m a lot better looking than some of the skinny bitches out there. I once had a man tell me, on a first date, that he really liked me, but didn’t want to date me if I was planning on staying fat. He had recently lost a significant amount of weight, and wanted to be with someone who was like-minded. Funny thing? I lost weight while we were together, and he gained it.  My ex-husband used to say, “I’d love you more if you were thin.” Ironically, he was 6’6″ and 330 lbs.

Once I was supposed to meet a man at Starbucks for coffee. We had connected on an online dating site. I had seen his photo. When I walked up to him at the coffee shop, he utterly ignored me – completely pretended he didn’t hear me say his name. I guess he didn’t like what he saw.  Jerk.

Yes. I do realize that I’m being rather ugly right now. I’m also pissed off because my friend was right: it would be easier to get a man if I was thin. At least here in Vancouver, as it seems men in this part of the world are incredibly vain. I’m pissed off at myself for not trying harder to be fit. I’m just in an all around crabby mood. If it weren’t for the free tickets I won to the Jazz Festival (a week-long Hopper Pass!!), I’d be downright bitchy.

Then there’s my friend Jodi. Jodi rocks. She is a kindergarten teacher… but not your typical warm fuzzy, sticky-sweet, appliqué-sweater-wearing soft-spoken granny. Nope. She rocks. She has become a great friend this year at work. It’s always nice to make friends at a new job, even nicer when they’re really cool.

Jodi is super athletic. She’s a power house! She sets goals and works her ass off to achieve them. I wish I had half the energy and motivation she has. Today, she posted in her blog about not being able to meet a physical goal of hers because of illness. But she’s not letting it get her down. Sure, she didn’t reach her goal by her intended date, but she’s persevering nonetheless. This woman lets nothing get in her way. She is, in a word, amazing. Her blog really inspired me today to not be bummed out by set backs.

I title my post tonight “Not all that smart” because I realized, on my ride home from an amazing jazz concert, that I haven’t set any real “SMART” goals. You know, Specific, Manageable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely.  This is exactly why I’m not moving towards my goal of being Fit by 40. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about the philosophy of it all, trying to wrap my head around it, working on emotional eating, but I haven’t set any real goals.

Time for that to change.

A while back, I bought a game for the Wii. EA Sports Active or something like that. It has this 30 day challenge, created by Bob Greene – that guy who trains Oprah Winfrey. I’ve started it a few times but never gotten past the 4th or 5th workout. So, I’m thinking that I’m going to replace my morning yoga with this 30 day challenge program. I’m already getting up at 5am to work out, and this workout isn’t much longer than my yoga DVD.

I’ve also downloaded the SparkPeople app for tracking my food and exercise. I know one thing for certain: the only time I’ve ever been successful in losing weight is when I did two things:

1. Tracked my food/kept a food diary.
2. Exercised regularly with a mixture of cardio and resistance training.

I’ve been mulling this over for a week now.  I know exactly what I need to do. It isn’t rocket science. I don’t know why tracking my food is so darn difficult. Why do I resist it so? Hmm… must psychoanalyse that a bit more.

Ok, so here are my smart goals for the week:

1. Track my food for the next week. I’m not even going to worry if I eat crap. I’m just going to write it all down, even the not-so-healthy choices. Perhaps if the food choice is fuelled by emotions, I could make a note of that somewhere. I have a small notebook that I bought for this purpose. It’s in my car glove box. I will keep a food diary for the next week, aiming to do it for every meal, every day, but forgiving myself if I miss a meal or two. And, forgiving myself for not eating healthily.
2. Wake up at 5am to exercise, this time using the 30 day challenge. My goal is to complete this challenge in the allotted 30 days. I am already in the habit of waking up to exercise, just not on the weekends. This week, I will make sure that I have my exercise clothes ready the night before, and make sure I’ve got all of the various Wii paraphernalia ready to go in the morning. I picked up a pack of batteries this morning, so I can’t use “the batteries are dead”  excuse.
3. I will continue to drink at least one of my big water bottles per day. I’ve been adding lemons to the water, and this week I think I’ll try adding different fruit. Yum! Better than CrystalLite and tastier, too. I will drink one to two big bottles of water every day.
4. I will remember to take my multivitamin with green tea extract every day at lunch time. I will keep track of this by writing it in my food diary.
5. I will check in every night here on my blog to record how my goals for the day went.

So that’s it: Track my food, work on the 30 day challenge, drink water, take a vitamin, and check in every day with a short post recording how well I did keeping those goals. I am only going to focus on this week. Who cares about next week or next month. Hell, let’s just get through the next day.

I’ve also noticed that I’ve been exercising more will power. I had to pop into Shopper’s Drug Mart this morning before work to pick up one of those nifty stain-removing pens (why I buy white blouses is beyond me – I always spill something on them!) While I was there, I had to walk right past the chocolate aisle. Delectable dark chocolate bars, all in a row, quietly calling my name. I walked over and stared, tantalized by the promise of chocolate-induced endorphins temporarily making me feel divine. And I looked longingly at the display. I started to reach out to one, but then I stopped. I left that aisle and went and paid for my purchase, sans chocolate.

On the way home, it was really muggy outside, and I was hot and tired. A frappuccino would have totally hit the spot. So would have a white chocolate macadamia cookie. But nope. Didn’t do it. Drove right home and ate the fruit I had packed in my lunch for the car ride home.

I know these don’t seem like big things, but to me they signal that I am regaining control of my eating habits. It feels really good.

Now. Now. NOW! I want it NOW!

We live in a world of instant gratification. It wasn’t that long ago that google would tell you that it completed your search in 1.7 seconds. Today, I googled “instant gratification” and had results before I had even finished typing! If our facebook page doesn’t load within 5 seconds, we get impatient. And it’s affecting our health.

According to recent article in Time Magazine from May 7, 2012,

“… most obesity isn’t caused by a lack of access to affordable produce or time to cook. It’s the result of short-term over long-term thinking. Cooking sucks. Eating a salad takes forever. Fast food is delicious, easy, fun, cheap, reliable and can be scarfed down so quickly there isn’t time to fight with your family. One Thanksgiving meal does more emotional damage than a lifetime of Wendy’s.”*

We are so used to instant gratification that I can’t help but wonder if we’ve forgotten what achieving long-term goals feels like. Because we don’t have long-term achievements in mind, it is so easy to succumb to the here and now, the drive-through burger and fries. It is so easy to fill our bellies right now - if I’m in a rush, I can easily grab take-out and eat it in the car. I bet everyone reading this has at least one fast food french fry on the floor of their car that’s been there for months!

It isn’t just this instant need for food, and our impatience to prepare it, it’s more than that. I’ll admit: I’m guilty of fast food. There are often times when I get home from work, tired and rushing to get some kid out the door to some activity and the easiest option for dinner is take-out. Or, not even in a rush – I’ve done that when I’m just too drained to think about cooking. And I know I’m not alone: the line-ups at the drive-through at 6pm prove it.

No, it’s more than that need for speedy meals. We also use food to instantly calm our fears, anxiety, worries, sadness, loneliness…. the list goes on. I did it myself, just tonight. I was having a bit of an anxiety attack about something over which I have absolutely no control. So, what did I do? I grabbed a bowl of ice cream. And, for the few minutes that the creamy goodness melted in my mouth, I was able to forget (or at least, quiet) my anxiety. But it didn’t last. The anxiety is still there. And now the calories are, too. I know what I should’ve done: I should have called a friend; played piano; gone for a walk; meditated; done some yoga; had a cup of tea… but, the ice cream was quicker. I was afraid of my anxiety and, rather than face it, I tried to get instant gratification through ice cream. And it wasn’t even good ice cream. It was the cheap stuff in the huge container from the grocery store. blech.

In today’s fast-paced society, we have practically instant access to food. And, as we look  at the obesity epidemic around us, I’m pretty certain that this instant access is part of the problem. I bet if all of us chubby folks had to go out into the field and grow our own food we wouldn’t be so fat!

The sad thing is that our culture panders to our need for instant gratification, especially the weight loss industry. We want to lose weight, and we want to lose it now. At the grocery store check-out magazines with bikini-clad models scream out headlines like “Lose 15 pounds by next week! New Miracle Diet: Eat Oreos and Lose 20 lbs!” It’s not just magazines, either. One weight loss program promises that you’ll lose up to 20 lbs/month by injecting yourself full of vitamins. Another one pumps you up with expensive supplements “especially designed for your body type.” Hell, even the name Slim Fast  implies instant gratification! All of these weight loss programs use “before and after” pictures to market their snake oil. “Wow!” we think “Look at her! She looks so good” as we stare at two pictures, instantly side by side. We are conditioned to want results immediately, and the weight loss industry is making big money off of it. If all of these fad diets and expensive weight loss centres really worked, the medical community would be on board, and (at least here in Canada), all fat people would get such programs covered by their provincial medical plans.

How many of us have started a “diet” only to give up after a few weeks because we’re not seeing the results we wanted to see? It’s a month into your new diet, you’ve only lost 5 lbs. You were hoping to have lost at least 20 by now, so you quit.

With the rare exception, most of us were not born overweight. We’re overweight because of our habits. Habits – good and bad – don’t happen overnight, they take years to develop. Why do we expect to have instant success in weight loss when the weight didn’t instantly appear?

I stepped on the scale this morning. I was happy to see that the numbers have edge down ever so slightly. That scale is so instant. I step on it, it tells me a number.

A number. Just a number. Not how successful I’ve been this week.

I love this photo. I would add one more thing:

* The numbers on this scale will not tell you how successful you’ve been at changing your old, unhealthy habits to new, healthier ones.

I’ll admit: my mood can be affected by the numbers I see on the scale. I judge my success by those numbers and if it’s not instantly what I want to see, I feel like a failure.

I can’t help but wonder if I’ve got it all wrong. Of course, I want the numbers on the scale to go down. But I’m in this for the long haul.  If I want long-lasting success, I need to change my habits and, more importantly, my lifestyle. That doesn’t happen over night. This isn’t a quick-fix thing. This is a major change in my life. It requires perseverance, diligence, patience, and, most importantly, kindness. Change is not easy. It takes time and commitment. Yes, I will experience setbacks as my body and psyche struggle to stay within the confines of the comfortable known.

But the rewards will be worth it. Being healthy, fit, active. Feeling alive and empowered. That amazing feeling of success. I can do this. I will do this. I am doing this!

* For the record: I love family dinners! I only have happy memories of Thanksgiving meals. The best one was when my Granny looked at my (now ex-)husband’s new grown goatee, and, rather randomly said, “Your face looks like an anus.” Oh Granny, if you’re looking down from heaven, thank you! That still makes me giggle (And it was so true! lol)

For a while now, I’d been eating frozen, microwaved breakfast sandwiches. In my defence, they were Weight Watchers ones, but they were still pre-cooked, frozen and reheated eggs. About two months ago, I gave up the breakfast sandwiches for smoothies. I bought a couple of cans of Slim Fast, some frozen fruit, and I was good to go.

Yesterday, when I was getting my hair cut, my incredibly fit and slim, body-building-competitor-hairdresser kept mentioning flax seeds and flax oil. This isn’t the first time as of late that flax seed has popped into my consciousness. When that happens, I typically see it as more than a coincidence! When, later that night, I was at the market and saw milled flax seed with blueberries, I decided to pick up a bag and try it.

This morning, I added it to my smoothie. Here’s the recipe I used:

1 c. skim milk

1/2 c. plain fat-free yogurt

1 c. frozen fruit (blueberries, strawberries, pineapple and mango)

2 tbsp milled flax seed

1 package of Splenda

And that was it. Throw it all in the blender and ta-da! 5 ingredients. I just took a look at a Slim Fast can: over 30 ingredients, some of which I can’t pronounce. To tell you the truth, at first taste, I didn’t really like it this new recipe. It wasn’t nearly as sweet as my chocolately-chemical-ladden “diet” shake. But, as I drank it, I got used to it. It had a slightly nutty flavour that wasn’t all together unpleasant.

But what struck me was how full I felt all morning! Usually, I hop in the car and have the shake finished long before I reach the end of the main drag in my small town. Today, I was almost at the highway before I finished the shake. I usually have a banana following the shake, but this morning, I was just too full. Mid-morning, I eat some yogurt, berries and all-bran. Couldn’t finish it all until after lunch.

I am going to try it again tomorrow, but I need to find a way to make it a bit sweeter. I’m not really keen on the whole Splenda thing. I’m using 3-5 packets of that per day, and I’m pretty certain it isn’t necessarily the healthiest choice. However, I hesitate to use honey or some other sweetener for the calories.

I think tomorrow I’ll try peanut butter, banana and flax seed, milk and yogurt. Maybe a splash of vanilla.

If you have a good smoothie recipe, I’d love to hear about it! Please leave your suggestions in the comment section below

I really hate this photo of me!

Not a big fan of full-body shots of myself. Hopefully that will change in a year.

“As your new year begins, you are aware of the possibilities and all your goals and dreams for what is to come. Old habits may resurface briefly as a resistance to change, but be kind to yourself in those moments then bravely move forward into your wonderful new year.”

Of all the kind words and lovely greetings I received today, this one meant the most to me. I needed that reminder to be kind to yourself. This same person recently told me that he thinks I’m a very kind person. And, I suppose it’s true. I do kind things for people; this is how I was raised, it’s just what you do. Like when someone is in pain, sick or injured and can’t get to the store to get some pain relief, you take it to them. Or when a friend is sad, you call them up to say hi. These are just kind things you do. Being kind to others feels good, and it’s good for the soul.

But you know what? I’m willing to guess that a lot of people are kinder to strangers than they are to themselves.

If a friend of mine were to do something to upset or offend me, I’d forgive her. I’m kind to complete strangers: letting someone merge ahead of me in traffic; holding doors open; even just smiling at a complete strangers. I bet you can think of at least one instance in the last 24 hours in which you were kind to someone. If not, shame on you. Don’t be such a grinch, go do something kind, now!

But how many of us are that kind to ourselves? How many of us treat ourselves with loving kindness when we mess up, or are hurt or feeling down? I know I’m not.

And that’s where the pity party last night came from. I haven’t been taking care of myself, and, rather than being kind, I was really hard on myself. The thing is, if someone you knew was consistently not kind to you, you wouldn’t hang around them. You’d, in fact, most likely distance yourself from them. Unfortunately, you can’t distance yourself from, well, yourself.

It’s easy to look for the good in others and respect their journey. Why is it so hard to treat ourselves the same way?

I’m wondering if it has something to do with fear. Every time I’m “stuck” in my life, it seems it’s because of fear. And then, once I face those fears, I am able to overcome obstacles and see my life move in a positive direction. So, what am I afraid of? I have a few theories, but they’re a bit too private to share here.

I do know this: I need to be kind to myself, to accept myself and treat myself with compassion. That’s just my gut feeling about this whole thing. Gut feelings are good, but it’s always nice to have science to back you up. This is a great article on the importance of self-compassion. The author, Dr. Melanie Greenberg, cites the work of Dr. Kristin Neff, a researcher from the University of Texas at Austin. Dr. Neff contrasts self-compassion with self-esteem (which she purports is “based on evidence of superior achievement”), defining it as ” a more constant personal quality, in which we value ourselves and treat ourselves kindly just because we are human,” and views mindfulness as a key element in self-compassion. Dr. Greenberg writes, “The essence of self-compassion is to acknowledge our own emotional suffering and then deliberately comfort ourselves by generating feelings of warmth, softness, and care towards ourselves and, by association, all living beings who are suffering.”

While reading the words “generating feelings of warmth, softness and care towards ourselves,” I thought to myself, “gee. I bet that would feel better than a donut.” And then I kept reading….

“Can Self-Compassion Make Me Healthier?

A 2007 study by Neff and colleagues suggests that self-compassion may be an important tool in weight-management and overcoming emotional eating. Students were given donuts to eat and half were assigned at random to hear a compassionate comment from the experimenter, such as ‘Don’t beat yourself up about eating these; subjects eat them all the time.” The other half received the donuts without the comment. Later that day, when given the chance to eat candy, those who heard the compassionate comment ate less. Therefore, self-compassion may help to prevent emotional eating resulting from feeling bad about breaking dietary restriction rules. Future research is needed to look at whether these benefits are also found in clinical populations such as obese people or those with eating disorders.”

So, point taken. Being kind to myself can help me on this journey. And I know, for a fact, that I’m already a kind person. Time to be kind to myself.

How are you kind to yourself?

Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

I remember chanting this iconic rhyme as a pudgy 12 year old, not so much to fend off the bullies who were teasing me about being fat, but more to try to convince myself that their harsh words couldn’t hurt me.

Can I just say something here? That whole “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” thing is complete crap. A big, fat lie. Sure, sticks and stones hurt, but those wounds heal. The wounds inflicted by words last much, much longer.

I bring this up for two reasons: (1) My relationship with the words used to hurt me about my weight, and (2) the overall power that words have, and how we can use them to help us or hinder us.

I was teased mercilessly when I was a kid. Kids called me many names, but the ones that stuck had to do with my weight. While I wasn’t fat, I definitely had a bit of baby fat that stuck around until junior high. But, those words I heard as a pre-teen stuck, and I eventually began to believe those mean voices. Even though I wasn’t fat, I saw myself as such. Fast forward to my twenties. I found myself married to a man who was often heard saying, “I’d love you if you were thinner.” Ouch. All of those words added up, causing unseen wounds that damaged me more than any physical violence ever could have.

It has taken me a lot of hard work to overcome the scars those words left. But that’s not why I bring it up. No, I mention this because I just realized the creative power possessed by those words. When I was being tormented in grades 9 and 10, with kids calling me “fat,” I was, in fact, not fat at all. I stood at about 5’9″ and weighed 160-165 lbs. That means my BMI was around 24 – by all means, a very healthy weight. But now? Well, let’s just say I’m not a healthy weight and my BMI needs some serious attention.

Think about this: The words were spoken. I believed the words. I became fat. Words are incredibly powerful things. They have such an amazing ability to create. This is why I start each day with some very healthy, positive words each morning after my yoga work out.

I recently read don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements. His first agreement is “be impeccable with your words,” since words are so powerful:

“Your word is the power that you have to create. Your word is the gift that comes directly from God… Through the word you express your creative power. It is through the word that you manifest everything… The word is not just a sound or a written symbol. The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life… But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you.” (The Four Agreements p. 26)

Before I encountered this book, I never really thought about the magic power of words. I’m sure I had a sense of it; as a teacher, I suppose I’ve always known that the words I tell my students have great power. Since becoming aware of Ruiz’s Four Agreements, and trying to put them into practice, I have endeavoured to be impeccable with my words. I’m not perfect, and sometimes I’m not as careful with my words as I could be. But the best part of the Four Agreements is that last agreement: Always Do Your Best. Slowly but surely, my words are creating a much more beautiful life for myself.

When I began, I focused on being impeccable with my words towards others; I try to speak kindly about others and avoid gossiping. I have definitely noticed a difference in my relationship with others. Lately, I’ve been focusing on being more aware with the words I tell myself. Slowly, I’m beginning to see myself in a different light.

I wonder what would happen if I just started thinking of myself as an athlete? If I heard the words “You’re fat” so many times that I began to believe it, and then it came true, couldn’t the same happen in the other direction? What if I harnessed the creative power of words to create a more fit, healthier me? Sure, it may not be true…. yet.  But the more I tell myself that I am fit, strong, healthy, active and athletic, the healthier, stronger and more active I will become! Isn’t that amazing?!

Post Script:

(This has absolutely nothing to do with my whole “Fit By 40″ theme, but it does illustrate my point)

I can’t help but wonder how this applies to my profession. What if, as a teacher, my words had the ability to create the atmosphere in my classroom. What if I, when talking about my students, I said things like, “My kids are amazing! They are creative, energetic, curious, and social.” What type of class would that create? On the other hand, if I always said, “Oh my god, my class is insane. They are so messy, they never sit still, they don’t shut up and listen. I’ve had it.” I wonder how that would effect the atmosphere in my classroom? Sure, it sounds like one of those “which came first? the chicken or the egg?” type of questions… but with my understanding of how amazing words are, I can’t help but think that the way I talk about my students can affect their behaviour.

To be honest, in my short career as a school teacher, I have observed this already. I’ve heard teachers sing the praises of their students, and I’ve heard teachers moaning about how terrible their kids are. I honestly can’t help but wonder if the teacher’s words create some of the problems in their class. All the more reason to be impeccable with my words.

At least, it was totally pissing me off. Until I started thinking about it. When it comes to weight loss, we’re so quick to base our success on the numbers on the scale. Of course, that is the ultimate goal, right? To see those numbers go down. And we want it now. Is it just me, or is our society fixated on instant gratification?

In the past, I have lost weight quickly. It was great to see those numbers go down, down, down. People noticed. People compliment. It felt great. But, it didn’t last. Had it lasted, I wouldn’t be writing this today.

I think that’s why I’ve chosen to focus on being fit instead of just weight loss. But, old habits die hard, and when I see those numbers on the scale stagnate, it stings. So, I’m trying to find other ways of measuring my success.

I had one of those moments this morning. About a month ago, I purchased another yoga DVD. I was getting bored with the one workout I had, and wanted some variety. This new DVD was a lot harder, and I wasn’t able to complete the workout. I was just proud of myself for trying.

Well, this morning, I did it! I finished the entire workout! And it felt good. No. It felt great. This got me to thinking: it wasn’t that long ago that a back injury rendered me almost incapacitated. I could barely walk up the stairs, getting out of bed was nearly impossible, and sitting in my car for more than 5 minutes brought me to tears. After just over a month of regular morning yoga, I can now hop out of bed and run down the stairs to do my workout; I can touch my toes; I rarely need to take any medication … it’s great! I went from taking up to 14 prescription pain killers per day to taking one or two non-prescription pills per week.

That’s what this journey is all about: feeling healthy and fit. Sure, the numbers on the scale don’t reflect my progress…. yet. But one day, they will. I will continue to make little changes, improving my health one day at a time, one step at a time. Little changes add up to big success.

I can do this. I will do this. I will not let the scale rule me. I will focus on how I feel, physically and emotionally, and celebrate all the little accomplishments along the way.

I have made a lot of little changes in the last month. I’m feeling healthier, I have more energy, my mood has improved, I feel stronger, my posture is improving, and, bloody hell, I can touch my toes!

In my next post, I’ll highlight some of the little changes I’ve made. Thanks for reading!

Just before the morning bell rang, I was walking down the hall to my classroom with a colleague. We were engaged in some small talk, and she said to me, “You’re really perky today.” And I realized she was right!

Let me backtrack a bit…

Yesterday I was lamenting that my yoga practice lately hasn’t been that focused. This morning when I was doing yoga, I really tried to focus on my breathing and my body. I tried to let go of all the clutter in my mind, and just focus on the physicality of it all. After my yoga workout, I typically sit quietly for a few minutes focusing on some positive affirmations. Today, my affirmations were based on don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements: “Today, I will be impeccable with my words, and treat myself with love.” Later that morning, I was reflecting on my recent blog posts of the last few days, I realized that they’ve been a bit negative, or at least focused on my recent struggles. I had been feeling down, and when I get that way, I tend to be less than impeccable with my words, especially my self-talk.

Do you ever have one of those days when the Universe is screaming a message at you? Well, today was one of those days.

Once I had decided to be “impeccable with my words,” I had some pretty amazing words pop up in my day. The first was a quote by Ruiz:

“Today, Creator, I promise to make a new agreement with my physical body. I promise to love my body unconditionally as my body loves me. I promise to protect and take care of my body“

The other one was a quote from Aristotle that an acquaintance posted on Facebook:

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.” – Aristotle

This is when I figured out that, in order to reach my goal of being fit by forty, I need to make a new agreement with my body, and make that a habit.

I have a feeling that this won’t be as easily said as done. It’s going to take daily reminders to stick to it. I am so used to not loving my body, and I definitely don’t have much of a history of protecting it and taking care of it. But really, that’s what I want. I want to love my body and be healthy. Taking care of my body should be my number one priority! If I first take care of my body, then taking care of others will be much easier. Someone once told me that you can’t give love that you don’t have. I can see now how critical it is for me to love my body by taking care of it. And, in making this a habit, I will have an amazing and excellent life!

I have the knowledge. I know what I need to do to take care and protect my body. Really, it’s not rocket science. Eat less, move more. Fill my body with healthy, nutritious food. Fill my mind and heart with positive thoughts and affirmations. Find an exercise that I enjoy and do it. Take it one day at a time. Take small steps. Rinse and repeat.

But, as is always the case with me, having the cognition and actually internalizing it are two completely different things. I know what needs to be done, but I haven’t internalized it, and I don’t do it. Then, I get mad at myself for not doing it.

This is where the mental and spiritual part of the journey comes into play. I know the physical things that need to be done, but I don’t do them. They’re really not that difficult to do. Eat healthy. Exercise. But, because I’m not internalizing them, I’m not doing them. I can do this. Habits take time. How do I know? Because I get up every morning at 5:00 to do yoga. At first, it was really difficult. Now my day isn’t complete without it.

This afternoon, I went to my favourite park and did a 45 minute walk. It was invigorating! Flowers were in bloom, the air was a mix of fresh growth, ocean air and earth. There was a cool breeze blowing, and I was listening to great tunes. I came home and had a wonderful vegetarian meal. Right now, I feel great. It only makes sense to “rinse and repeat”… who wouldn’t want to feel this terrific again!

Speaking of great tunes, this song is sort of my new “theme song” for this whole journey:

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Thanks for reading!

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I know that stress causes weight gain. There are a lot of studies out there that indicate that when you are stressed, your body releases cortisol to deal with the stress. This chemical helps regulate how your body releases and stores fat. Did you know that increased cortisol levels can lead to increased cravings for sweet and fatty foods? (C’mon – who hasn’t  eaten a chocolate bar when stressed?!? ) Here’s a really informative article about the effects of stress on weight gain:

Stress Cortisol Connection

So there I was, renewing my car insurance and trying to deal with some banking stuff. At the best of times this is a minor annoyance, but with everything else that’s been going on in my life, it brought on a wee bit of anxiety. Granted, not a full-blown anxiety attack, but enough for me to notice physical symptoms. Shallow breathing, increased heart rate, difficulty focusing, that sort of stuff. Once again, I proudly drove right past Starbucks, Tim Hortons and a dozen other yummy places, and focused on what I could do once I got home. (My word, 152nd Street in Surrey has a lot of places to eat!)

I knew that if I didn’t make a plan, I would come home and eat anything and everything in site. I knew I didn’t want to do that. I couldn’t trust myself to go to the grocery store to pick up something healthy, as I just wasn’t in that mind set. I knew I had some leftover spaghetti and meat sauce in the fridge. Not the healthiest thing in the world to eat, but I figured it beat binge eating when I was feeling anxious.

As soon as I got home, I warmed up the leftovers and sat down to eat. I’m trying to be more mindful and aware of my food consumption, so I kept the TV and computer off (and my phone as well… always a major distraction for me). While I was eating, I began thinking about the connection between stress and weight gain. I realized that the high-carb meal before me was probably going to be converted directly into fat cells. Oh well. At least I didn’t binge.

This got me to thinking: maybe I shouldn’t eat when I’m stressed. If there are chemical reactions occurring in my body when I’m stressed, and these chemicals promote fat build-up, perhaps I should find another way to deal with stress.

The only thing I can think of is exercise and meditation. I really need to add more cardio to my week. I’m good with the 5am yoga (although lately, I haven’t been focusing as much – I’ve been going through the motions, but not with real intent). A cardio workout increases levels of all of those “feel good” chemicals, which probably do a good job counteracting the stress-induced cortisol.

I’m really really good at making excuses when it comes to cardio. “I’m too busy tonight,” “The kids have something on the go,” “I’m too tired” and so forth. This has to stop. I am never going to be “Fit by 40″ if I don’t exercise. 5am yoga just ain’t enough. Lately, I’ve found myself thinking “Ah, just wait until summer break. You’ll have two months off, you can exercise then.”

Yeh. Nope. Just another excuse. Doesn’t cut it. No good.

If I truly want to be fit before my 40th birthday (just, gasp, 54 short weeks away), I need to change my habits, change my mindset. My ex-husband was always fond of saying that, “it takes 21 days to create a new habit.” (Funny thing is, he’d start something new, and quit within 14 or 15 days! I don’t remember him ever making it to that 21 day mark.)

I need new habits. How can I make cardiovascular exercise part of my daily routine? A workout partner comes to mind, but it seems that all of my friends are either too busy, or a lot more fit than I am… there’s no way  I could keep up with some of my fit friends.

The other habit I need to establish is regular meditation. I need to deal with stress and anxiety in healthier ways. I need to find a way of truly understanding that I am in control of my life and my health, and it’s not controlled by stress and anxiety.

If anyone has any suggestions, ideas, or things that have worked for them, please share them in the comment section. I know that there are other people who read this blog who are going through similar issues as I am, and it would be a great help!

Thanks

So, today I’m testing this theory, to see if I can find comfort in a cup of tea instead of a cookie. Oh, I should mention – my therapist also wanted me to come up with some positive affirmations to use when faced with emotional eating. The favourite one I’ve found so far is, “I’ve worked too hard and come too far to let a cookie tell me what to do!”

As I write this, I’ve got a cup of said mulberry tea beside me. It’s actually quite yummy.

Today was tough. It was a professional day at the school where I work, and we had a guest speaker talking to us about strategies for dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorder. While professionally this topic doesn’t apply too much to me, as I do not work with children in such a capacity, it does apply to me personally. I don’t want to go into a lot of detail about how it applies to me personally, because I’m just not ready to discuss it publicly. However, those dear friends of mine whom I’ve trusted with the information and who read my blog will understand.

During the first part of the presentation, the speaker was discussing the ways in which children on the Autistic Spectrum behave, and I let out a sigh. A friend of mine (one of the world’s most awesome kindergarten teachers, and someone who knows what I’m going through) was sitting beside me and asked me if I was okay. She may not know it, but that meant a lot to me. While the day was informative, I had a hard time focusing on what the speaker was saying, at least from a professional point of view. I continually kept relating what he was saying back to my own issues.

In the car on the way home, I broke down in tears that I had been saving up all afternoon. It’s probably a good thing that I’m broke right now and can’t afford Starbucks, because had I the money, it would have been one of those prime opportunities to soothe myself with a toffee nut latte and a white chocolate macadamia cookie. Fortunately, I keep an apple in my bag for something to munch on while driving home, so I had that.

When I got home, I sat in my car for a few minutes and zoned out. I knew that in the pantry sat an entire box of cookies, some chocolate pudding, and a bunch of granola bars. The ingredients for my ultimate comfort food, a peanut butter and chocolate chip sandwich, were in the kitchen.

In the past, I would’ve went straight for something sweet, without even thinking it through. But today I didn’t. I sat down and played a mindless game on my phone for a while and realized that I was still completely stuffed from the Chinese food I had at lunch. I didn’t need to eat because I wasn’t hungry.

That bears repeating: I didn’t need to eat because I wasn’t hungry.

That’s when I decided to make myself a cup of tea and sit down at the computer to write this post.

I still don’t feel better. My heart is still heavy and the tears shed in the car probably won’t be the last ones I see today. However, I haven’t made myself feel worse by using food to deal with the pain.

Whoa.

I get it now.

I rely on emotional eating to avoid dealing with other emotions. Anxiety, depression, sadness, anger, frustration…. all of those “negative” emotions can be scary. So, instead of dealing with them, I eat, because I can handle the guilt that comes from emotional eating better than I can handle my fear of those scary emotions.

Ok, I sorta already knew that…. but for me, having a cognition about something and really internalizing it are two separate things. I think I’ve just internalized this. Yay me!

I can be proud of myself today because I’m facing my fears without the aid of a cookie. This mulberry tea is actually quite soothing.

So is writing.

Thanks for reading

YAY ME!!

Today, I was feeling particularly tired and grumpy. I could have easily hit the Starbucks drive-through for a latte and a cookie on the way home.

But, I didn’t.

Nope. Instead, I drove right past that drive-through, past the McDonald’s, and past not one but two Timmies. Drove straight home, changed my clothes, laced up the ol’ runners, and went for a power walk. I even managed a personal best time on my neighbourhood loop route! I knocked just over a minute off my best time. (I use the “Map My Run” app to keep track of these things. Being a competitive person, it’s a good thing).

Now back to your regularly scheduled post…

I realise that being “fit before 40″ is all well and good. It’s a very noble goal. But, without specifics, it’s really not much of a goal. Kinda more of a dream. A good goal is SMART: Specific Measurable Attainable Realistic Timely. I’ve got the measurable part down – sort of… that’s an easy one: I can simply go by the numbers on the scale, the size of my clothes, and tracking my times on my workouts. But, what about the rest?

Time to start real serious visioning. What do I want my life to look like in just under 13 months? What does it mean to me to be fit by forty?

• I want to be physically smaller. I’ve talked with my counsellor about what a realistic goal weight would be, and have a number in mind. Actually, it’s more of a range, and includes dress size.
• I want to be able to buy a pair of jeans from some over-priced retail store in the mall. Not that I would pay an arm and a leg for jeans (because, really, who wants a one-legged pair of jeans?) but I want that option when I go shopping.
• I want a wicked LBD…. a sexy little black dress that shows off my curves and makes me feel like a million bucks. I want to have the right type of curves to fit one of those dresses.

Stop. I’m just rambling. None of these goals is entirely SMART. I need to be really, really specific with these.

Let’s try this again:

By my 40th birthday, I want to be somewhere around a size 12 to 14. That means I’m able to buy normal sized clothes. I am going to accomplish this by eating healthy foods, cutting back on prepackaged and processed foods, and finding coping strategies for dealing with my emotional eating. In order to lose the weight, I recognize that food alone is not th answer. I need to add exercise to the mix as well. I will continue with my morning yoga routine (gradually increasing the difficulty level) and schedule three cardio workouts per week.

By my 40th birthday, I want to be really active. I would like to be able to jog/run for short distances. I would like to be one of those people who really enjoys exercise and makes it a daily part of my life. As I said above, I will achieve this by continuing my daily yoga practice, and schedule (as in actually write it in my calendar and stick to it!) three cardio workouts per week. I will start with 30 minutes of cardio, as that is what feels comfortable now, and gradually increase it, By my 40th birthday, I will be able to maintain a longer cardio workout (45-50 minutes?) I will try one new activity each month, adding to my repertoire of physical activities that I enjoy.

By my 40th birthday, I will be able to look back at the previous year and feel proud of myself for always trying my best and treating myself with love and respect. I will feel healthier, younger, stronger. I am doing this to improve my overall physical health, set a good example for my children, and have more energy. I also want my physical appearance to be sexy, curvaceous, and healthy!

Of course, the benefits of reaching these goals are pretty much reward enough. However, I do have one or two rewards that I’d like to treat myself to, including some new clothes (like one ridiculously extravagant article of clothing that I would never dream of purchasing), and perhaps a new tattoo (Got one for my 30th birthday after a major life change, would like a new one to commemorate these goals). And, I’d like to get some really good photos taken of me.

Now, that all sounds fantastic, but it’s not going to happen over night, nor is it going to be easy. It is going to require dedication, and lots of small baby steps along the way. I will require me to treat myself with love and remember to do my best each and every day.

But, I know I can do it! If I can complete two university degrees while raising three boys on my own and teaching piano all at the same time, I can do this!

I realize that I need to find a better way to deal with my emotions. While that brownie soothes the immediate emotions, I am left feeling worse than I did before the brownie. Last week, I had the brilliant idea to exercise instead of eating. After all, I do  feel better after a workout. But, that idea quickly passed, and I ate something (most likely carbs. Why can’t I eat lettuce to comfort myself?) Sure, working out is a great idea, but I don’t think it will work for me (at least not yet). Hopefully one day, I’ll love exercising so much that I turn to it for comfort instead of that bag of fudgie-os.

(On a side note: I have a friend who cleans his house when he’s upset. I’m trying to find a way of inviting him over to my place and then pissing him off. I wish I was one of those people who did housework to soothe the soul. My house would be freaky  clean!)

I know that this whole issue of emotional eating stands between me and my health. This is something I’ve been doing for a very long time. Today, my therapist reminded me that I’ve been turning to food to cope since the age of twelve. It’s a deeply ingrained habit. This is not just an “eating” issue.  It’s an emotional issue, and it’s a conditioned behaviour. I need to change my habits as well as learning to deal with the emotions.

My therapist and I spent most of the hour talking about this issue today. She helped me see that, while the idea of exercising was a great alternative, it probably won’t work for me because it’s not something I really enjoy at this point. I need to replace the emotional eating with another action. Just trying not to eat won’t work. I’ve tried. It just makes matters worse. I need to find something enjoyable with which to replace the emotional eating.

When my emotions overwhelm me and I can’t deal with them, I pick up something sweet. A cookie from Starbucks, a butter tart, a high-quality chocolate bar…. anything loaded with carbs and usually chocolate. Very rarely do I crave salty foods. Substituting an apple or other fruit just won’t cut it. I’ve tried.

After some discussion about the things that trigger me, the emotions and thought patterns that occur before, during and after eating to soothe my emotions, and looking at what hasn’t worked, I came up with a great idea!! 

Yup. Tea.

Not any tea.

Nope.

Really. Good. Tea.

Expensive tea. Tea that costs more than pot. (Not that I know how much marijuana costs…. but damn, good tea is expensive!)

There’s this tea store in the mall that sells gourmet loose tea. They have tea that has little bits of chocolate in it. They have tea that contains sprinkles for heaven’s sake. This is some serious tea. Seriously cool  tea I tell ya!

This is my plan:

The next time I’m struggling with my emotions and want to eat, I will treat myself to a cup of gourmet tea. Something sweet, maybe with bits of chocolate and preferably caffeine-free (as most of my emotional eating happens in the evening, and the last thing I need is to be wide awake and depressed).

Here is why this is a kick-ass plan:

1. It’s sweet. It will satisfy my need for something sugary-tasting to calm my emotions. I’m pretty certain that it’s the taste, not the texture, that I crave.

2. It takes time to make tea. While I wait for the water to boil and the tea to steep, I can take time to assess what it is I am feeling.

3. Tea is soothing and relaxing. When have you ever had a cup of tea that left you feeling bad after having had it?

4. Tea takes time to drink. You can’t chug a cup of hot tea. A brownie? Easily gone in under a minute. You can’t deal with emotions in under a minute. In the time it takes me to drink this gourmet goodness, I can calm down and face the emotions that I would normally run away from (and run to that cookie).

See? Great idea. It gives me something active to do, it panders to my sweet tooth, and it’s healthier than a cookie! Even if the tea does have bits of chocolate in it, it will still be far less calories than an entire bag of oreos.

I’ll let you know how it goes. How have you dealt with emotional eating? I’d love to hear your ideas!

There’s one small problem with this morning yoga routine: I am easily bored. While I enjoy the one yoga DVD I have, I was getting a bit bored of it. So, yesterday, I picked up a new one, some ‘Yoga for Weight Loss’ thing that has 4 different workouts. I tried the first one – an 18 minute workout. Having had success with my original workout DVD, I thought to myself, “How had can this be? It will be a piece of cake!” (Mmmm…. cake.)

Boy, was I wrong!

Let’s just say that there’s a lot of room for improvement. I did, however, do my best, and I’m proud of myself for hanging in there as long as I could. Gives me a goal to work towards tomorrow morning. (Although, there is another workout on this disc that focuses on abs, which I’m going to try tomorrow).

The one thing I like about this disc is that there is also a short meditation on it. Seeing as how the workout I did was shorter than the one on my first disc, I thought I’d give the meditation a try. I am so glad I did! It was short – only 10 minutes or so, but it made a HUGE difference.

I felt a lot more positive today. My attitude, outlook, everything…. it was just a great day. Of course, the beautiful sunshine helped too. I just felt that much more alive than I did yesterday. I will definitely be doing this again!

Other than that…. I ate fairly well today I made a delicious salad with mixed greens, feta, tomatoes, cucumbers, bell peppers, mushrooms and a few black olives, tossed with a 5-herb fat free vinagrette. It was divine!

Didn’t need that butter tart, though. Oops. Oh well – I will forgive myself and move forward. Today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow is a brand new day!!

Cheers!!

Nope.

Strike that.

I’ve know for a long time that I’m an emotional person.  It’s only been recently that I’ve accepted this about myself, and embraced it. I love that I can feel a wealth of emotions, and feel them with depth. But, sometimes, it can get a tad overwhelming.

This week, I’ve been dealing with some personal issues that have left me feeling a bit emotional. Yes, there have been tears, and sleepless nights… but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’ve been through worse and survived – I know I have the strength and spiritual fortitude to get through this. Nonetheless, it is a rather emotional issue. And, I fully embrace the emotions that spring forth from it.

However, I’m also eating my way through this issue.

Ugh.

I didn’t need those cookies, or those rejected burnt cupcakes, or that milkshake. Last night’s dinner was entirely carbs (although, I suppose that does count as vegetarian, no?). I am really upset by this right now. I know it’s the wrong thing to do – turning to food to deal with my emotions.

I wonder, though – am I really dealing with my emotions through food, or am I just so drained from being so emotional that I’m too exhausted to eat healthy? Hmm…. I think it’s a bit of both. The rejected burnt cupcakes fall into the first category. The carb-filled dinner? I was just too exhausted to make anything healthier.

Today, when I got home, I sank into the comfortable chair in my living room and cried. Then I thought, “I should got for a brisk walk. It’s a lovely day, and I’ll feel better after some exercise.” Unfortunately, that ‘walk’ turned into a chicken burger, fries and a milkshake.  But, at least I thought about exercising. I suppose it’s a start.

So, where do I go from here? I know what the problem is: when I’m emotionally run down, it’s hard to eat healthy. What can I do to fix this?  Here are the ideas I’ve got so far:

• Keep the house stocked with healthy foods. Especially quick and healthy dinners.
• Establish a regular exercise routine for after work.
• Find an effective means of meditating when I’m feeling emotional.
• A big sign on the fridge reminding me to ask “Why are you eating that?”
• Call a friend.
• Find an exercise partner to keep me accountable.

Yep. That about sums it up. Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?

For years I told myself “I’ll love my body when…” When I’ve lost the weight. When I’m a certain size.  Sure, I’ve lost weight before, and it felt great! I was even beginning to like how I looked. Especially when I was working out (I was beginning to have a great ass!)

But you know what?  It didn’t last. And I realize now that, even if I had reached my goal weight and size, I still wouldn’t have loved my body. If I wait until I lose the weight to love myself, I’ll never lose the weight and I’ll never love myself.

It shouldn’t be about waiting to have the perfect body to love myself. You see, I think I’ve got it all wrong. What if, hear me out, what if I loved my body THEN lost the weight? What would happen then?

I took an inventory of my body the other day, and made a mental list of all the ways in which my body has served me for 38 years. It’s a long list! It created and birthed three amazing kids, nourishing them all for the first years of their lives; it’s gotten me through illness and injury more times than I can remember; it supported me as I completed my university degrees (even when I injured my back!);  it carried me through my darkest days even when I didn’t feel like carrying on; it moves in amazing ways (who knew I could swing dance like that?!); it hugs my children, kisses lovers, wipes away tears, and jumps for joy. In all of my pain and suffering, in all of my celebrations, my body has been there for me.

And what have I done? I’ve mistreated it. I’ve fed it unhealthy food. I’ve neglected to care for it by not exercising. If I treated my kids this way, I’d have social services after me in a heartbeat! Like the above cartoon suggests, we treat our kids better than we treat our bodies. Of  course I love my kids, even when they’re not the most loveable. I don’t expect them to be perfect. I love them no matter what.

Why can’t I love my body that way? Why is my love for my physical self so conditional? I’m not fair to myself.  I deserve to love my body. I deserve to treat my body with love and respect.

As a matter of fact, every morning, at the end of my yoga workout, as I’m meditating for a few minutes, I tell myself, “I will treat my body with respect and love today.”

I don’t always have good days. The past few days have been not-so-great, and I haven’t been treating my body in a loving way. Let me tell you, I sure can feel the difference.  But the amazing thing is, this is a day-by-day, hour-to-hour endeavour. I don’t need to be perfect in loving my body. I just need to do my best.