Feeling alone sucks. Believe me, I know this.

Feeling alone at Christmas time — while everyone else is getting on their merry way — is especially difficult. People stuck in this situation deal with it in different ways: vodka, gin, beer, tequila… or by inventing and building their own robot wife.

And then bringing said robot home to mom and dad for a nice holiday meal.

Sigh. There are so many possible directions I could go with this: the technological implications, the moral and ethical implications, cheap mockery of this poor, pitiful dweeb…

Yeah, that last one sounds good.

And to be especially lazy about it, I’m going to just FJM the sucker (with the caveat that my mockery is aimed at the story’s subject, nor its author). If you’re unfamilar with FJM’ing, it’s line-by-line mockery of a news story, pioneered by the fellows behind a now-defunct baseball website called Fire Joe Morgan. You’ll become familiar with (and fond of) it quickly.

Inventor Le Trung spent Christmas Day with the most important woman in his life – his robot Aiko.
If you were reading the story via RSS, you’d probably have to quickly check that the source wasn’t The Onion. You may have also double-checked to make sure it didn’t mean “Aibo“, since I’m pretty sure that laudatory bestiality stories haven’t yet gone mainstream.

The science genius
Your first cue that something’s amiss.

enjoyed a festive dinner with his mum, dad and his £30,000 fembot which he designed and built by hand.
Fembot? No, no, that’s a “fembot” at right. Aiko looks positively dumpy by comparison. I bet she doesn’t even fire anything out of her breasts.

Le, 34, from Brampton, Ontario, Canada,
This is your second cue that something’s amiss.

even bought gifts for his dream girl, who is so lifelike she speaks fluent English and Japanese, helped cook the turkey and hang up decorations.
Aiko is his dream girl? Did he actually say that, or is the author just making assumptions? ‘Cause, like I said, if you’re gonna manufacture your own spouse, you should probably set your sights a little higher than Aiko… at least give her tit-guns!

‘Aiko is like any woman, she enjoys getting new clothes,’ he said.
You don’t know what any woman is like. That’s why you built your own.

‘I loved buying them for her too.’
No you didn’t. Though I guess it makes it easier knowing that if they don’t have her size, you can just chip a few pounds off with a chisel.

Le, who built his first robot when he was four, has dedicated his life to creating the perfect humanoid and his success so far with Aiko has won him worldwide attention.
There are many variations on the aphorism “before anyone else can love you, you must first love yourself.” I do not think Le is familiar with any of them.

Aiko, whose name is Japanese for ‘love-child’ has an amazing artificial intelligence and can speak 13,000 different sentences in two languages.
What the fuck? That’s garbage. Show me a robot who can speak two sentences in 13,000 languages, then I might be willing to put a ring on that finger.

‘Aiko can recognise faces and says hello to anyone she has met,’ he said.
Well, she’s friendlier than me, at least.

‘She helps me pick what to have for dinner and knows what drinks I like.’
You also know these things. You programmed her to know these things. And if you didn’t spend all that time building a God damned robot, you could do this mundane shit yourself!

After Christmas dinner and opening her presents, Aiko joined in the festive tradition of quizzes and board games with the family.
Why must board games always get dragged into the nerdiness sewer like this? I like board games, but it’s very tough to justify it when they keep getting associated with wife-building weirdos.

But Le still has one thing on his Christmas wish list for Aiko
Letting him get to first base?

- mastering the problem of how to make her walk. He said: ‘It is the most difficult thing for any inventor to do.

‘The problem is finding a way for Aiko to walk that looks human-like without impacting on any of her other abilities.

‘I have spent the last six months taking her apart and trying out lots of different systems, but I haven’t been able to get it right yet.
It’s worth reminding ourselves, at this point, that this man evidently finds it easier to invent ways to give the gift of natural bipedal motion to a full-size android than to just flip on his computer and surf to eHarmony. Just sayin’.

‘I’m working on some new software at the moment. It will be my New Year’s resolution to do this for Aiko.’
“Being exposed to direct sunlight” might be a good resolution for yourself.

Le has built up huge debts working on his fembot and is still trying to find a technology company to sponsor his research.
You mean companies aren’t falling over themselves to associate their brand with this guy? Well I’m shocked.

But in the meantime he has had to move back in with his parents
Yeah, I bet that was a real tough adjustment.

and they will all be spending the festive period and New Year together.
What’s the alternative? Is Aiko gonna drive to Richmond Hill to spend time with her parents?

‘My family found it a bit odd at first, but now they all love Aiko,’ said Le.
I guess if you’ve been building your own robots since you were four, they had to have seen this day coming. Hell, the parents of murderers and rapists and pedophiles often stick by their kids, so relatively speaking, this isn’t too much of an ask.

‘My mum and dad chat away to her. It helps by talking to her, as it improves her vocabulary.’
What he doesn’t know is that the phrases she’s learning are “You are a disappointment to your family” and “Really, eHarmony, your parents will spot you the money, just try it.”

Le suffered a heart attack two years ago caused by stress after working long hours on Aiko.
How do you know it wasn’t from all the vigorous exercise he surely gets?

As he recovered he vowed to complete her so he could market the prototype as a home-help for the elderly or people recovering from hospital treatment.
This is the only point in this story where I realize maybe I shouldn’t be mocking this guy. Hey, he’s devoted his life to building a machine that could help elderly and sick people. That’s a noble endeavour that will assist humanity! I’m sure he’s working on algorithms to program Aiko with human traits like compassion, empathy and understanding…

Le has made his fembot as womanly as possible, in order to make a human-like companion. Aiko, whose age is ‘in her early 20’s’, is 5ft tall and has a perfect 32, 23, 33 figure.
Or it’s a glorified sexbot. Of course.

She has real silicone skin and a real-hair wig made by a Japanese doll company. Her touch sensitive body knows the difference between being stroked gently or tickled.
Thank goodness — I’ve heard that infirm elderly patients, who’ve lost the ability to speak, often use stroking — but not tickling — as the way to communicate with their caregivers.

‘Like a real female she will react to being touched in certain ways,’said Le.
As if you know what those ways are. Hey, screw you, an obvious and well-worn dig can still be a true one.

‘If you grab or squeeze too hard she will try to slap you.
Can’t you reprogram her to be into that kinda thing?

She has all senses except for smell.
What possible use does she have for taste? Actually, never mind.

‘But Aiko is always helpful and never complains. She is the perfect woman to have around at Christmas.’
Remember kids, you don’t have to be a 34-year-old virgin to be a misogynist… but it helps!

Arnie Wagner sends out emails to the supporters after each league match.  God bless his French heart, he does it week in, week out, win or lose.  Let’s have fun with the latest one, FJM-style.

Dear Supporter,

I was asked after Saturday’s game whether we missed Robin van Persie but I don’t think we can blame that for our 1-0 defeat.

No, we cannot blame a goal-less game on the loss of our leading goal-scorer and striker/talisman.  Nope, shouldn’t ever even DREAM it.

We lost a game where we can only fault ourselves because we didn’t score, some players were not at their best and we gave a goal away on the only situation where Sunderland could score – on a set piece.

International breaks make me want to cry.  Cesc, Andrey, Gallas…too many minutes for their countries to try to make a useless Summer tournament.  Steve Bruce, you fat piece of gob, your lot can ONLY score on set pieces, which we don’t even WORK ON.  So there.

I believe it’s more down to the fact that we made a big mistake on their corner because the game was there for the taking in the last 20 minutes. But of course, when you’re behind, it makes it more difficult.

I just said I don’t work on set pieces.  ARE YOU DEAF?  Oh, and by the way, this is the part where I start the “they played negatively after their RIDICULOUSLY FLUKE OF A CRAP SET PIECE GOAL” bit.

Going forward we lacked sharpness and desire to go behind the defenders. We had chosen the easy part of the game, that is to always come to the ball and not to be exposed. But in football, if you want to score goals, you have to go behind the defenders.

Everyone was dog-tired.  Stupid World Cup qualifying, honestly.  I guess my biggest worry is that occasionally the captain and that little Russian don’t show up fully ready to dominate in the Wenger Arsenal way.  Lazy.  Well, that’s it, I’ve had it.  No brie and toast this week after training.  Oh, and since Liege is coming in, NO BELGIAN CHOCOLATES.  No, I’m not kidding.  Okay, maybe some chocolates, but NO BRIE.

I didn’t feel really under threat from Sunderland and if you look at what they created on Saturday you would be surprised. If you take a distance and you watch this game again, emotions away from the game, you will be surprised how little they created. But they took their chance because in some way they wanted it more than us.

They suck, we’re awesome, but you know that.  By some unholy pact with Satan, they scored this goal that bounced off like eight of our players, hit both posts and our keeper had all ten fingers on it before it trickled over.  TRUST ME.  That side, despite being in 8th place, is just pathetic.  I cannot fathom how Spurs got 9 against those world beaters from Wigan, while we couldn’t beat this League 2 equivalent side.  WHERE IS THE JUSTICE, GOD?  WHERE?

Sunderland were aggressive but you expect that. I think that they tried to stop us from playing, sometimes on the fringes of the rule, but that’s part of the game.

Steve Bruce is just an extension of that evil Ferguson, and by that extension, he is borne out of the Hellmouth.  They are filthy, filthy cheaters who won’t let us run free and complete 20 passes in a row should be banned from ever playing again (or even watching it on television) for their negative awful ways.  I HATE THEM SO MUCH.  Cheaters.

We are eight points behind Chelsea now but we have a game in hand. I didn’t expect them to drop points against Wolves at all. It’s very different when you have an international break and then play away from home. I feel there’s a massive difference. If we had played Sunderland at home, we would have won the game.

Oh, and Premier League schedule-makers, you are also the worst people I’ve ever seen.  HOW DARE YOU MAKE US TRAVEL?  Look, there are four other teams in London, can’t we just play them?  It’s just so unfair.  I think I need a tissue.  I hate you.

It’s important to win our next game on Tuesday night. We must forget about Chelsea until we have played Standard Liege.

We just made this week so much more difficult.  And I was really hoping to get a start on my Christmas shopping.  DAMN YOU DARREN BENT!  Remind me to set a flaming bag of dog poo on Redknapp’s door for selling that EVIL PERSON.

Thanks for your continued support.

Arnie, it’s my pleasure, mate.

Here are some interesting/funny/badass links for your viewing pleasure:

dmac at The Fightins had a nice little Playoff Diary Post, which includes Kyle Kendrick’s new job, and lots and lots of Tommy Lasorda bashing. I’m all for Lasorda bashing. Anyone who hates the Philly Phanatic is pretty much an asshole in my book.

Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams seems to believe that our All Star second baseman, Chase Utley, is playing hurt. I can see that, as Utley isn’t the kind of guy who is going to make excuses, or pull himself from a game if he can still play through it. Although, I had just figured that he was just dead tired due to the fact that he didn’t get many off days this year, after coming off hip surgery after the ‘08 season…

Apparently, Manny Ramirez couldn’t stand to watch the conclusion of the exciting Game 4 in Philly…or wait, maybe he just wanted to shower before the rest of the guys came in so that he could hide his shrunken testicles…Remember kids, Manny isn’t Manny without a needle in his fanny. (If anybody knows where I can find the picture of the guy holding that sign, please let me know. Pretty please.)

Bill Baer over at Crashburn Alley goes all FJM on a recent article by Buzz Bissinger, who is pretty pissed at Billy Beane and all the Moneyball guys. Bill Baer is a much smarter guy than me, and I’ll leave all that sabermetric stuff to him…Take a gander here.

Pat Gallen over at Phillies Nation had a pretty nice post up about witnessing the dramatic game 4 in person, and it’s definitely worth a read.

Note: I realize that I haven’t posted in about a month. I was taking a bit of a blog hiatus. I was sick for a couple weeks. I’ve been super-swamped in other parts of life. Other things that you don’t really care about. Et cetera. In any case, I am back now. Especially now that THE PHILLIES CLINCHED THE NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST LAST NIGHT!!! But, we’ll get to that later. Now, it’s time for a rant that I’ve been trying to post for almost a month.

It’s not hard to get respect from me, whether in sports or in life. The short list of sports personalities who I just cannot stand is pretty standard – internationally-hated figure like Skip Bayless, Colin Cowherd, Joe Morgan, and Tim McCarver. That said, I don’t just pass out respect to random people on the street. You still have to earn it.

I say this because I got called out (inexplicably, if you ask me) in the comments section of my latest post, introducing the Fire Eric Bruntlett fantasy football league. This post begins a new Fire Eric Bruntlett segment – let’s call it “We Hate Hugh” – where I rant against one of the said

commenters, a “blogger,” if you can even call him that, by the name of Hugh Murray, who I have now officially added to the list above. You can find his worst writing at The Gally Blog, where he goes under the pseudonym, “Logic,” which is ironic, considering that he doesn’t actually have or use any logic. You can also read his equally-stupid thoughts on fantasy football at Big Troph. His are the ones tagged, “Hugh.” (Update: His posts seem to have disappeared from Big Troph’s blog page. Am I that much closer to reaching my life’s mission of removing him from the entire internet? I think I might be…) He also has his own blog, also incorrectly called “Logic,” where he just writes any

ridiculous thought that enters his head. “The Giants have the best Wide Receivers in the NFC East? Yeah, I’m sure that I could convince myself enough into writing a post about it.” He also has the most tagline I’ve ever heard: “I’m Like Cocaine. When You Aren’t Doing Me, You Are Thinking About Doing Me.” Another way he’s similar to cocaine? Cocaine’s illegal in all 50 states; he’s wanted for crimes against journalism in all 50 states. Also, I’m willing to bet good money that he’s never gotten laid in his life. Finally, he is on Twitter as HBomb47. You can tell that he’s a Yankee fan, because he’s the only person in America who can stand Sterling’s “An A-Bomb for Matsui! A-Roid! A-Rod!”

Now, I’m not telling you to tell him how much you hate him in the comments of every post he makes on those sites, but I wouldn’t blame you, either. In fact, I encourage it. But again, like I said, I’m not telling you to.

In this particular post, I FJM Hugh for what was, until last month, very likely the most offensive, insensitive, obnoxious, awful, pointless, and just flat-out stupidest article that I had ever read. That means it wasn’t as bad as Mark Whicker’s. It was more obnoxious, certainly, but overall, not as bad. Not better, just not as bad. The only time I will ever use the words “good” and “Hugh Murray” in the same sentence is when I say, “Good God, am I glad Hugh Murray stopped writing.”

For those of you that don’t know, Fire Joe Morgan was one of the best blogs on the internets. Famous for its ranting against poor journalism by line-by-line dissection of an article, they shut down shop in November of last year, much to the dismay of blog-readers everywhere. But their old columns are always fun to read whenever I need a hearty laugh of the expense of experienced journalists. Also, they guest-edited Deadspin last month. It was epic. Seriously. If you want to read real “bad journalism,” go read that. Now. Before you read this.

So, here goes the first post in the “We Hate Hugh” series. Of course, everything is [sic]’d for enhanced stupidity.

“Some Parallelogram Did Something”

I don’t know what that means. A parallelogram is a shape. It’s an inanimate object. The only thing it does is be the geometric shape that everyone hates because it’s impossible to spell and you can never remember the formula.

tags: Falsey McLiarpants Disease, Quadriplegics, Sailing, Slimy Brits

“Falsey McLiarpants?” Really? What is this, 1^st grade? What’s next, “She took my spot on line for the swings! Waah!!!”

Logic pulls away from microphone

Really? You use a microphone to blog? Awful cliché or is he just an idiot? I’d like to go both on this one. And shouldn’t it really be “Logic sticks his head up his ass?”

Logic: aherm. Excuse me. I meant double paraplegic. Or “quadriplegic” if you will, has sailed around Britain. Her name was Hilary Lister and apparently she has no arms or legs.

Hey, look at that! He stopped offensive for 3 sentences! It’s a miracle!

breaks character

Break character from what? Not being offensive? He was just born a jackass? Was he born into a family of KKK members and Nazis? When he calls a disabled person a parallelogram, he can’t help it because he doesn’t know any better?

Ok seriously… I’m sure that this is a great story and all, heart warming, and Oprah worthy but did she do it alone? Did she really?

No, she didn’t do it alone. She left pretending to go alone but picked up this random fat dude at some remote island, and dropped him back off before anyone could notice. Or maybe she pulled a MacGyver and made a GPS system out of a paper clip and a piece of string!

Or did she do it with the help of engineering and Stephen Hawking’s money?

Did Stephen Hawking give her a GPS system? Did he buy her a paper clip and string? Hell, did he do all the sailing for her? And could engineering have done, provide her with a compass and a sail? Wow, great help! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!

I know this broad couldn’t have done it solo. What is she going to do set up the sails so that they switch directions and the jig boom swings when she blows into a tube a certain way?

Umm… yeah, that’s actually exactly what she did. Good job reading up on what you’re being an asshole about.

Oh. That’s exactly how she did it? I’m sorry. I didn’t read the article. Or watch the video.

Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. When’d you realize that? You just heard that a quadriplegic sailed around an entire country, and you thought, “That’s not possible! She doesn’t have any arms or legs!” And because you don’t want to risk not being a douche bag, you didn’t bother to read the article or watch the video.

I just kind of pictured a midget (I don’t know why)

I’m gonna go with, “Why is he a jackass, Alex?”

“Coming up tomorrow, Stupidity (Yeah, I’m calling his Stupidity now. Not Logic.) is amazed about how Carlos Zambrano and Aramis Ramirez are on both his fantasy baseball team and his lawn-mowing team!”

On a boat blowing bubbles into chocolate milk with a boat moving in certain directions.

I have less than no idea what this means. Is he trying to make another stupid joke? Failing at a bad TV or movie reference?

“A midget… on a boat”

Hardly makes any sense.

“Blowing bubbles into chocolate milk”

Has absolutely nothing to do with disabled people.

“With a boat moving in certain directions.”

Makes zero sense whatsoever. Is it the same boat the midget is on? Does “certain directions” mean “different directions”? Why would a boat move back and forth in the middle of the ocean? Boats, like many other modes of transportation, are often used to take someone from Point A to Point B. And not back to Point A then back to B to A to B to A… No one gets in their car and says, “You know what? I’ve got nothing better to do with my time. I’m just gonna drive up and down the street for a while. I don’t have anywhere to go. I don’t have anything to do. It’s representative of my life! Just going up and down the same street all the time.”

Secondly, how did she eat? Just slam her head onto coconuts until the milk came out?

Is it physically possible to “eat” milk? I’m fairly certain the process of digesting is called “drinking.”

This story is not very convincing. I mean the broad even has arms and legs!

OH MY FUCKING GOD! I DON’T BELIEVE IT! QUADRIPLEGICS ACTUALLY DO HAVE ARMS AND LEGS! THEY’RE NOT JUST FOUR STUMPS SITTING IN WHEELCHAIRS! I DON’T BELIEVE THAT ANYONE COULD POSSIBLY BE STUPID ENOUGH TO THINK THAT! OMFGLOLZ!

I thought quadriplegics were carried around in baskets, like back in ‘Nam.

Has he really not seen a single war veteran in the past 30 years? They have this amazing new teckmological discovery called “artificial limbs,” where you can look like you have real arms and legs without actually having real arms and legs! Teckmology!

“The first female quadriplegic to sail solo around Britain, using a system straws to guide the boat, arrived back at Dover harbour yesterday. As the sun set, Hilary Lister, 37, sailed into the harbour to be greeted by cheering supporters..”

Right off the bat I can see errors in this statement. First of all, Dover is in Delaware.

Right off the bat, I can see stupidity in this paragraph.  Let’s count the ways he FAILs.

(1)   Geography FAIL. There is a city called Dover in both Delaware and England.

(2)   Google FAIL. You could have found that out by simply typing the words, “dover city” into LITERALLY ANY SEARCH ENGINE IN THE WORLD.

Second of all, it’s harbor. Not harbour. I don’t know what the fuck a harbour is, but my Spell Check says it is in fact NOT a word.

(3)   British FAIL. They’re British. They spell things weird. I don’t know why, but they just do. Harbor = Harbour, color = colour, and so forth.

So there you have it folks, the slimy Brits are at it again. Trying to create headlines with their silly propaganda and feel good stories.

Propaganda? According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, propaganda is “the spreading of ideas, information, or rumor for the purpose of helping or injuring an institution, a cause, or a person.” This is just a straight-up news story. Unless he’s convinced himself that this isn’t actually true, but the writer is trying to trick him into thinking that it is. Then he’s just even more of an idiot.

Susan Boyle burnt out and this broad won’t last long at the top.

Susan Boyle burnt out because she was just plain creepy-looking and her only talent was singing. She didn’t do anything amazing, like a freakin’ quadriplegic sailing around an entire group of countries!

It’s just a matter of time before she rolls goes down hill.

I already told you, SHE HAS ARTIFICIAL LIMBS. SHE IS NOT JUST A HEAD AND A BODY.

Alright enough making fun of paralyzed people who are striving to do something with their lives instead of just being paper weights.

I wish he would try to make something of his life, instead of writing immature blog posts for bad blogs.

Yeah that’s right. I said paper weights.

I’m not even kidding anymore. What can I do to make sure this guy rots in Hell? Has it already been pre-determined?

He also had the nerve to make a comment to the post, trying to explain one of his “jokes”:

The parallelogram reference was from family guy, i guess some people missed that.

http://www.entertonement.com/clips/rymljwhsvf–What-are-all-these-Parallelograms-Doing-HereFamily-Guy-Peter-Griffin-

God, I hate explaining jokes

As they say in the world of unfunny, “It’s not funny if you have to explain it!” But if Peter Griffin said it, then it must be stupid! Wait, that actually makes a lot of sense. I mean, Hugh and Peter are probably close in IQ and maturity levels, with Peter probably being marginally higher. I’d set the over/unders for IQ at 45 for Peter, and 35 for Hugh. By the way, why do people always seem to think that they can make an offensive joke, get called out on it, and get away with it by explaining that they heard someone else say it? I don’t really give a shit that you didn’t invent the joke, you still made it, and it was still awful. Blaming a joke on Peter Griffin is like blaming it on your buddy at the bar that’s so drunk, he thinks that Larry the Cable Guy is funny. If you honestly think that you can make an anti-Semitic joke around Jews or a Mexican joke around Mexicans or whatever and tell them, “No, it’s okay. I heard it on TV,” you’ve got to be 100 times stupider than Hugh already is.

Since this particular post FJM’ed in the “We Hate Hugh” series was originally written a few weeks ago, but didn’t come across my desk until more recently, there will be articles written by Hugh between the time this was originally written and the time of this post. (I’ve had numerous troubles writing this, specifically getting sick and losing the file, among others.) I will still hate Hugh chronologically, however. Just pretend that I’m ranting against him in real-time, as they are posted by him. Also, since he has given awful fantasy advice, you may see “We Hate Hugh,” or WHHs, if you prefer, in FantasyMAX columns, over at Digital Sports Daily. (They’re not dead yet! Just having a bit of trouble getting started.)

Quite frankly, I’ve read this post over at least 5 times. I’ve read posts by The Gally Blog’s other two contributors, Gally and Gimp. I’ve also read far too much of Hugh’s writing elsewhere – not because I enjoy it, but because I am constantly looking for new WHH ideas. Honestly, I have not been able to find a single reason that the original article caught Hugh’s eye, except that he saw it as a way to be an even bigger douche. Because, really, that’s just how he writes. And why would he be reading a British news site in the first place? Hugh doesn’t care about his readers, in fact, often blatantly insults them. The people who made a choice to read something that he wrote. And he’s trying to get rid of them. He’s the most non-PC of any writer whose articles I have had the displeasure of reading. On a consistent basis, he shows that he could care less about whether or not people are even reading his work trash, much less enjoying it. He’s annoying and stupid when he writes, and I can only assume that he’s the same way in real life, too. He’s like your buddy from the bar that you try to avoid because you know that any time you see him, he’s just going to insult you way out of line, embarrass you in public, or get you in trouble for something. He’s the guy that you hate to admit your friends with, but for me, he’s someone that I love to hate.

-And what I think is the most important factor for a closer, intimidation. Officially listed at 6′ 6″ and 200 pounds, but definitely leaning closer to the 6′ 7″ mark, Madson is scary when he takes the mound. A big part of being a good closer is being able to scare the batter, and when Madson stands tall and puts his game face on, he can leave Gary Sheffield shaking in his spikes. (On a very unrelated note, Gary Sheffield wrote a book? Why has no one ever talked about this before?)

I’m sure you already knew this, but Fire Joe Morgan reunited for one glorious day at Deadspin. Check out the posts here.

Reading them all and laughing at every Derek Jeter crack made me realize how much I missed FJM. They were, and I honestly mean this, the funniest site on the internet. They left a gap that no website could possibly fill. None have even come close. It’s my dream that they’ll all give up being well paid TV writers and go back to blogging full time. I will personally pay them $10 a month. Who else is in?

Hey, Macarena!

Arsene Wenger writes up a weekly e-mail and sends it to members of the club’s website.  I thought I’d dissect this week’s in the wake of Old Trafford and his dismissal from the touch line.  So here we go, my thoughts in italics:

Dear Supporter,

I think what is the most difficult thing to take from Saturday’s defeat against Manchester United is that we were the better team and we lost the game. We were in front and had a chance to score the second goal and got punished on two goals. It is beyond belief.

The stats say that the match was mostly even, and quite frankly, a fair few of the lads shut up shop towards the end of the match.   I don’t know that I can agree totally with “we were the better team”.  It was a game that van Persie could have won with his quick strike in the second half, but the fact remains that Arsenal came up short again.

Overall I would like to keep the positives of the game because I believe that we can deal well with the disappointment of losing the game. We have a great future and we can be a real force. But of course, it’s difficult to accept going home from Old Trafford without any points.

Well, of course it’s difficult to come away with no points, but unfortunately, the positives hardly outweigh yet another poor decision from Almunia to come flying out at Rooney, and the inexplicable Abou Diaby back-header own goal.  The positives of Arshavin’s continued brilliant play is overshadowed by his injury news, and while the Gunners hung in there without captain Cesc Fabregas and starting wingman Samir Nasri, the fact remains that the so-called depth on this team just isn’t good enough.

Football is unpredictable but I believe in this team. We lack some calmness, maturity and experience at times because we conceded goals at a time when there was no need to panic. We assessed two situations badly.

You have to believe in your team, because YOU are directly responsible for it’s makeup.  In terms of whether or not it was time to panic, well, it’s never truly time to panic.  Not having your team captain on the field (AGAIN) in a big match hurt the squad, and two huge tactical mistakes were capitalized on by the three-time defending league champions.  Good teams find a way to get a draw in that situation, and while the goal at the end was a delight, Gallas was offside (AGAIN).  Your team has a tendency to assess situations badly.  That’s coaching.

In the first one, Wayne Rooney was in no position to score, so there was no need to panic. And on the second one as well when Abou Diaby scored an own goal. There was not one player of Man United around our players. So it’s a lack of communication and still a little bit I feel in these situations that we might be lacking a little bit of experience.

Whether Rooney was in a position to score, or whether or not he was in the air when Almunia got to him, it doesn’t matter.  Some time away from that match has given me some perspective, and it was a penalty.  There have been tons of penalties given when players weren’t in a position to score.  Almunia has done this before, and quite frankly, he needs to be reined in a bit.  Abou Diaby has made inexplicable mistakes before, but attempting to back-head a cross to a clearly unsuspecting (and shaky, after his mistake) keeper is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen him try.  Now, in terms of experience, I don’t buy that either.  This team, mostly unchanged save for Vermaelen this past summer, is the same crew who got to the Champions League semi-finals last year.  This side is experienced.  Diaby and Almunia should know better, so quit protecting them.

Even so we had opportunities to finish the game off. We had the chances to kill the game off at 1-0 and even had a chance to come back to 2-2.

Agreed on both points, but let’s be honest, after the second United goal, the team morale slipped, and for the most part, United bossed it the rest of the way.  Yes, Arsenal had a chance at the end, but again, Gallas slipped offside (an annoying habit the defenders who come forward have picked up) and you ended up throwing a strop when he was correctly judged.

As you would have seen, I was sent from the touchline at the end of the game because I kicked a bottle of water when Robin van Persie’s goal was disallowed. The fourth official called the referee and sent me off.

Correctly, I might add.  There may have been a bit of showmanship in Mike Dean, and certainly, he didn’t have his best effort (Darren Fletcher committed six free-kick fouls, but did not see even a yellow card), but you deserved to be sent off.  You made it a spectacle with your antics, and it was a bit comical, but still, you deserved it.

I didn’t kick the bottle because I thought William Gallas was not offside in the build-up to the goal, but because I was disappointed. I thought we had equalised.

We get it, it was frustration.  Anyone would have been frustrated to see a game that was there slip away because once again, your team was not smart enough or tactically aware enough when they needed to be.  That’s your fault, mate.  No one else’s.

Thanks for your continued support.

You’re welcome, Arsene.  Good luck with City in a couple weeks.

This post marks the beginning of “Rant Week” here at Usually Useless, which is all leading up to a big week next week, as well. I came up with roughly ten things that really pissed me off over the weekend, and will rant about them all this week. First up, from the Associated Press, I go all FJM on the recap of the Mets-Astros game on Sunday. If you don’t know about FJM, or “Fire Joe Morgan,” as they’re also referred to around these parts, it was one of the best blogs on the interwebs. Famous for its ranting against poor journalism by line-by-line dissection of an article, they were also known for hating against ESPN baseball broadcaster Joe Morgan. Much to the dismay of blog-readers everywhere, they shut down shop in November of last year, but their old columns are always fun to read whenever I need a hearty laugh of the expense of experienced journalists.

Hernandez earns second straight win as Mets rebound from early deficit

HOUSTON — The New York Mets’ season may not be a lost cause just yet.

Right. Because they’re a mere 10.5 games out of first place in their division, only 5 games under .500, and just 7.5 short games out of the top Wild Card spot!

Livan Hernandez struck out a season-high seven after a rough start, and the Mets’ offense produced for the second straight game in New York’s 8-3 win over the Houston Astros on Sunday.

7 is awful for a season-high. But I guess that’s better than his current, abysmal K/9 of 4.94.

The Mets have 10 players on the disabled list, including Gary Sheffield and regular lead-off man Jose Reyes, and arrived in Houston after losing five of their last seven games.

Which makes it all the more amazing that won the series, including 2 in a row, from a team that’s slightly better than them! ESPN’s MLB Power Rankings has just 3 teams separating them!

Suddenly, things don’t seem so bad after they piled up 38 hits and 22 runs in three days at Minute Maid Park to win a road series for the first time since early June.

“When you get a number of guys swinging the bats the way we’re swinging the bats right now, you feel very confident that you can get something done,” said Mets manager Jerry Manuel.

Like make the playoffs, right? No.

The Mets also got consecutive impressive starts in Houston, from Jonathon Niese in Saturday’s 10-3 win before Hernandez on Sunday.

Because everyone knows the powerhouse of an offense Houston has! An injured Lance Berkman is always ferocious! Add to that starting second baseman Kaz Matsui, Geoff Blum, starting at third, new 1B, and former Phillie Chris Coste, and 37-year-old catcher Pudge Rodriguez.

Hernandez (7-5) allowed only four singles after the Astros built a 3-0 lead in the first inning. He threw 107 pitches in seven innings and won his second straight start after losing the previous four.

So… he’s streaky? I think if your #3 starter was going to be streaky, you’d get someone a lot better than Livan Hernandez.

Luis Castillo, Jeff Francoeur and David Wright drove in two runs apiece for the Mets, who had at least 12 hits for the third straight game. New York scored 18 runs in two games after scoring fewer than five in 15 of its previous 20.

Ah… it’s not just one guy that’s streaky. They’re just a streaky team. They’ve had 8,237 injuries this season! (Give or take a few. I’ll have to check the numbers, but it’s something like that.) You can’t blame them, you can only laugh at them! That’s like “You can’t stop them, you can only hope to contain them,” except you know, the exact opposite.

The Mets open a 10-game homestand against Colorado on Monday with renewed optimism.

Yes, because they’re, “dare I say, en fuego…”

“The last two games, we’ve played great ball,” said Francoeur. “It’s big momentum for us coming home. We’ve got a shot.”

Roy Oswalt. Wandy Rodriguez. Those are the names of good pitchers in Houston’s rotation. The Mets did not face either one of them. You should take about that. Or, Brian Moehler. Russ Ortiz. Those are the names of the two pitchers the MEts faced on Saturday and Sunday, respectively. They’re both bad. You could also take about that. But I highly recommend that you talk about how Johan Santana got beat by Mike Hmapton on Friday for 5 runs and 15 base runners in just 6 and 2/3 innings, while striking out only 3.

Houston’s Brian Moehler (7-6) gave up five runs on eight hits in 4 2/3 innings, his shortest outing since June 9. He lost for the second time in seven starts.

Ok… It’s a start.

“I did nothing right,” Moehler said. “I didn’t locate, I didn’t pitch smart, I had nothing. It was just poor everything.”

It’s even worse that you did all that against the New York Mets’ AAA franchise.

Hernandez was the pitcher in trouble early, needing 36 pitches to escape the first inning. Kaz Matsui walked with one out before Miguel Tejada, Carlos Lee and Geoff Blum hit consecutive doubles. Blum tried to score on Hunter Pence’s single up the middle, but Angel Pagan threw to catcher Brian Schneider for the out at the plate.

You never knew that Angel Pagan had an arm, did you? Neither did I. I don’t mean a good arm, I just mean an arm. Period.

Hernandez got a shot of confidence from the good defensive play.

Why? He didn’t make the play. He just got extremely lucky that the one time in 100 tries all season that Pagan got an outfield assist came in that game.

“Plays like that keep you on the mound,” Hernandez said. “They saved one run. That was big.”

Yes, notice the wording. “They.” You didn’t do it. They did it. You just got really lucky that Pagan found his arm.

The Mets answered with three runs in the third. Pagan reached on a fielder’s choice and scored on Castillo’s triple to right. Wright followed with an RBI single and scored later in the inning on Francoeur’s sacrifice fly.

You also got really lucky that the Mets found their offense.

Alex Cora singled with one out in the fourth and scored on Pagan’s triple. Castillo then laid down a bunt in front of the pitcher’s mound and Pagan scored when Ivan Rodriguez couldn’t handle Moehler’s hurried throw home.

Because they’re the Astros! Their defense sucks! Don’t you remember that game against the Dodgers that they blew when some relief pitcher Alberto Arias or something like that made, like, two errors in one inning.

Alberto Arias started the eighth for Houston and Cora beat out an infield single. Pinch hitter Jeremy Reed then tripled to right center and Cora scored, the first earned run allowed by Arias in his last 23 appearances.

Yeah, that guy! No kidding it’s his first earned run in 23 appearances! Because he always makes errors to make the runs that he gives up unearned! There’s no reason why a run scored by a pitcher’s error shouldn’t be earned! You made the error, so it should count against your ERA! You earned that error!

Castillo singled off Arias in the ninth and scored on Wright’s double to center. Wright came home on Francoeur’s single to center.

My God, Cecil Cooper! What’s your problem? Your butter-finger-ed reliever gives up a run in the 8th, so you leave him in to give up two more in the 9th? It was a save situation before the 8th inning! I’ll say it now, Alberto Arias is nothing but bad. When he blew the game against the Dodgers, he also blew a save opportunity that I desperately needed in one of my fantasy baseball leagues. Nothing. But. Bad.

Francoeur has 14 RBIs since joining the Mets on July 10 in a trade from Atlanta. He has multiple RBIs in four of 12 starts in New York and said his transition from the Braves has gone better than he expected it would.

Figures. Now Jeff Francoeur goes off. That must be driving Matthew Berry crazy. (Just do a “Ctrl+F” search for “Jeff Francoeur.” You’ll get it.)

“From the coaches to the players, they’ve instilled a confidence in me,” he said. “I feel comfortable at the plate, I feel that I’m going to be able to get a hit.”

Well, anyone is able to get a hit. The question is “Are you ready? And willing?” No, I’m kidding. On both statements. There’s actually one player in Major League Baseball who isn’t always able to get a hit.  Phillies scapegoat Eric Bruntlett. Whenever something goes wrong in a Phillies game, there’s always a way to blame it on Eric Bruntlett. Usually, it’s just because he’s at the game, wasting a roster spot and $800,000 that we could use on literally anyone else in baseball. Other times, it’s because he came up to bat. Like last night, when he pinch-hit for injured Shane Victorino. You just knew that there was no way the Phils would win that game, if only because Eric Bruntlett struck out for the second out of the 8th inning. The worst part of Jimmy Rollins’s benching in late June wasn’t that we wouldn’t have his bat in lineup or glove in the field or any of that. No, no. It was that we had to start Eric Bruntlett and his .145 average. (Well, .145 at the time. Now it’s down to .125, thanks to a 1-for-13 July. In fact, his only hit the entire month was their 22-1 drubbing of the Cincinnati Reds on my birthday, when literally everyone got a hit. I’m not even exaggerating when I say this, I could have walked on to the field (if I could have walked on to the field), picked up a bat, and at least doubled. So for Bruntlett to have doubled is no big feat. His newborn son probably could have doubled, too.

*Fast Facts

The Mets won their second straight game to finish their 10-game road trip at 4-6. They scored 18 runs in the last two games.

Wow! An under-.500 road trip! Believe it or not, that’s actually lower than their season winning percentage. That’s your Mets for ya! Satisfied with mediocrity!

Brian Moehler fell to 2-5 at home this season. He is 5-1 on the road.

So, beating him at home is even less of an amazing feat? I thought there was nowhere to go but up in this article. I was wrong.

Livan Hernandez won his second straight start.

Ok, but that was following two awful starts, which, in turn, followed two good starts, so his next two outings are going to be awful again. I’m just warning you, Mets fans. Even after this high stretch, you always go back to suck.

Jeff Francoeur had two RBIs and now has 14 RBIs in 12 games with the Mets.

You already said that! I get that you’re a blatant Mets fan in a AP writer’s costume! Face it, the Mets are not going to the playoffs this year!

Luis Castillo had two hits for two RBIs Sunday and went 7 for 12 in the series with four RBIs.

Fantastic. But he’s still never going to be able to get past the dropped choke against the Yankees! Watch both the Mets’ and Yankees’ TV and radio calls with move lines mocking Castillo interspersed! I don’t think there’s anything more enjoyable than watching that play on repeat.

Bucky Gleason’s column on how to fix the Buffalo Sabres.   He gets a little help from John Vogl and Mike Harrington in today’s paper but we are going to focus on Bucky.  So here we go, FJM style.

The Buffalo Sabres reached the conference finals in back-to-back years after the 2004-05 lockout, so it’s easy to say they were Stanley Cup contenders twice in the past four seasons. People often draw different conclusions based on standards.

Would any one like to place wagers on how long it will be before a Chris Drury/Daniel Briere reference?  Current odds are as follows:

Next sentence: 2-1

2nd sentence: 5-4

Never: 100-1

Take the Red Wings, who won 11 division titles and four Cups in the last 14 seasons. You could view them as a dominant franchise or one that failed to reach its goal of winning it all 10 times in that span.

Sabres minority owner Larry Quinn has repeatedly made it clear that the franchise’s goal is winning the Cup. That is a bold but refreshing approach for a region that learned how to settle for less. Say what you will about Quinn, but he’s a Buffalo guy who wants to win.

Sounds great, but how and when?

I will be damned, those of you who placed bets on the first or second sentence have to pay up.  I suppose I should have included betting odds on making digs on Larry Quinn, but hey, nobody is perfect; as will be evidenced by this column, naturally.

The Wings and Pittsburgh Penguins confirmed the Sabres are a long way from contending for the Cup. My goal this year as GM for a Day is to get the Sabres on the right road so they can grow into a top four team in the confeence (sic) in the next two years. Making the playoffs next season would be terrific, but the goal is to win the Cup someday.

Bucky, it is a good thing your goal is to get the Sabres on the road to winning the Cup– you know, something you stated Larry Quinn is also committed to doing one paragraph above.  I am glad to see that the different goals you and Larry Quinn have made it necessary for you to write this piece of drivel.  Oh, and learn how to spell conference.

I start by making sure everyone adheres to specific roles, which for years has been the Wings’ approach from the owner to the parking attendants. Here, it means Quinn oversees business operations and establishes a budget before getting out of the way.

This is important because all too often the Buffalo Sabres have had concessions people making decisions on personnel moves.  That Larry Quinn is known for having convoluted job titles so no one knows what they are doing at work.  Honestly, it reminds me of Fredenburg Accounting but that is another story all together. I am glad to see that Bucky is making it so everyone has a clearly defined role within the company.

Fans squawk about Tom Golisano being an absentee owner, but my only problem with him living in Florida during the season is that he’s not in Cuba. He can no longer meddle in hockey decisions. That led to them becoming the first team to reach the conference finals two straight seasons and miss the playoffs the next two.

I want to paraphrase the first two sentences in this paragraph; Tom Golisano is an absentee owner.  Tom Golisano can no longer meddle in hockey decisions.  WHICH IS IT!?!?!!??

…

The draft is four days from today but I’m only concerned with trades and free agents, not in prospects who may be five or six years away from contributing. So, I want to make July 1 my day as GM.

“I am Bucky Gleason, I am short sighted and don’t want to do research about prospects. Let me be your general manager”

The first move I make is getting help – for me. The Sabres’ scouting staff has been stripped in recent years, leaving the hockey department with fewer hockey minds. I want an assistant GM, an intelligent scout who will challenge me before I make the final call.

Rick Dudley would have been perfect, but he’s headed for Atlanta. Les Jackson is a sound personnel man who was fired in Dallas after being forced to share the GM job with Brett Hull. Mark Howe is the top pro scout in Detroit. Terry Martin is working in Colorado but still lives in Buffalo after inexplicably getting whacked by the Sabres. Edmonton’s Mike Abbamont isn’t well known but he’s widely respected for his encyclopedic knowledge of the NHL and AHL.

This paragraph could also read, “GET OFF MY LAWN WITH YOUR GOD DAMN VIDEO SCOUTING!”

Don’t worry about me feeling threatened by the possibility of anyone stealing my job. I’m putting the team first. And, remember, I’m only a GM for a day.

I’m only GM for a day, who cares about the short sighted moves that I am going to soon be proposing!

Once we upgrade the hockey department, we turn to the roster. Nobody should feel comfortable on a team that has missed the playoffs five times in seven years. The salary cap is expected to be roughly the same as it was last season, $56.7 million. The Sabres spent nearly $53 million on payroll. Their cap figure was $50.6 million. I’ll stay somewhere in between. Currently, the Sabres have about $46.5 million locked into payroll for 20 players for next season and there are several restricted free agents to be re-signed, so cuts are necessary.

Honestly, I went to nhlnumbers.com just to see if Bucky pulled these numbers out of his ass or if they are real.  I was secretly hoping that he just made them up.  Sadly, the are accurate numbers.  On the bright side, I am sure there will be plenty of other items for me to criticize over the course of this column.

The Sabres’ restricted free agents are Patrick Kaleta, Drew Stafford, Mark Mancari, Clarke MacArthur and Andrej Sekera. Players eligible for unrestricted free agency are Max Afinogenov, Matt Ellis, Dominic Moore, Andrew Peters, Teppo Numminen and Jaroslav Spacek.

It’s time to play the kids, which means getting winger Nathan Gerbe and South Buffalo native Tim Kennedy up from Portland. Gerbe was named Rookie of the Year in the American Hockey League, but Kennedy is more equipped for the NHL because he’s a better two-way forward. They had good chemistry last season and are prepared to take the next step.

I am just going to put this out there now.  When the Sabres actually do play “the kids” this season Gleason is going to call out the Sabres management for cheaping out and not signing a big name free agent.  Trust me.

They will replace Jochen Hecht and Maxim Afinogenov, who combined for 18 goals and 47 points last season while stealing a combined $7.3 million from Buffalo. Gerbe and Kennedy will feel like a steal at a combined $1.485 million next season.

Are you suggesting that the Sabres drop Hecht?  If Buffalo were to do that his contract would still count against the cap Bucky, you know that right?  And in the even that the Sabres trade him the odds are they would have to take on an equally inflated contract.  And truthfully, don’t you think it possible that Jochen’s 08-09 season may have been more of an aberration than a sign of things to come.  Last season was the first season of Hecht’s career in which he had a negative +/- rating.  Also, Hecht isn’t known for his offensive prowess, it is unfair to measure his contributions solely by goals and assists.

In addition to Afinogenov and Hecht, Numminen, Peters, Henrik Tallinder and Toni Lydman are gone. All are either dead weight or will become unrestricted free agents in the next 13 months. They’re expendable for a team that’s two or three years away.

Again Bucky, you can’t just drop a player who is under contract without financial ramifications.  Either in the way of A) cap hit or B) taking on something in exchange in a trade–like additional salary  I am sure you will address that soon though.

Plus, I need to make room for Jay Bouwmeester, the premier defenseman in the free-agent market. He’s a difference-maker the Sabres have needed and an upgrade over since-departed Brian Campbell. He would immediately stabilize the blue line, help tutor promising rookie Tyler Myers.

This will never-ever- happen.

Bouwmeester had 15 goals and 42 points last season, scoring nine times on the PP, after a terrible start. He’s only 25. Plus, the 6-foot-4, 212-pounder averaged 27 minutes per game last season to lead the league. He and Myers would join Rivet, Weber, Chris Butler, Sekera and Nathan Paetsch on the blue line.

The odds of Bouwmeester signing with the Sabres are even less that Gleason going the remainder of the column without criticizing the Sabres management.

Spacek wants to return, but re-signing him is embracing status quo. Plus, at the $3.3 million he made last year, he’s way too expensive.

Get ready, this next sentence is going to blow your mind…

The price for Bouwmeester will be somewhere in the $7 million range per season. He wants to play for a contender, preferably in the Western Conference. It makes Buffalo a tough sell. Twelve of the 16 playoff teams were within $2 million of the cap, so his choices appear limited. The Oilers could make a strong pitch for the Edmonton native. Toronto is another team that could get involved.

Spacek @ $3.3 million= too expensive.  Bouwmeester @ $7 million=just right.  Yep.

Would an aggressive approach and seven-year deal for $50 million be enough to convince him? It’s time to find out.

What the hell do you care, you are just the GM for one day?  Who cares about six years down the road when that contract effectively cripples the Sabres from making any other moves.   I am surprised, since you are looking no further than two years down the road that you didn’t offer him a contract for 2 years @ $100 million.

Signing Bouwmeester means payroll must be trimmed elsewhere. Tallinder and Lydman will pocket a combined $6.35 million in 2009-10 before becoming unrestricted free agents. I would trade (OK, give) both away – knowing darned well I’ll get clobbered in the trade market. It’s better than losing them next July.

Gleason will be able to accomplish this because he is smarter, as a Buffalo News writer, than every other GM in the league and no other GM knows that Lydman and Tallinder’s best days are behind them.  Good thing we have such a savvy man in the front office, if only for one day.

Ultimately, it would improve the blue line for several years with one of the NHL’s best defensemen in Bouwmeester and the possibility of another in Myers.

That’s how teams win the Cup.

Just to make the clear to our humble readers, teams win the Cup by giving away their (arguably) top defensive pairing.

Hecht would be more difficult to trade given the three years and $10.3 million remaining on his contract. If there aren’t any takers for Hecht, there would be suitors for Tim Connolly or Derek Roy. Either would bring back more long-term help than Hecht while cutting costs.

At this point Gleason is effectively just trying to make a move for the sake of making a move.  Someone should buy this guy a Playstation and a copy of a NHL video game and let him go ape shit.  He could then write columns about how he was able to trade for Ovechkin, Malkin, Pronger, and Luongo without giving up Adam Mair.

If I can’t land Bouwmeester, there are options that would allow me to improve the blue line and leave money to spend elsewhere. Good players should be available in the trade market with so many teams bumped against the cap. The Sabres could use another center and more offense off the wing. The team was 17th in scoring but the current group would generate more offense with a puck-moving defenseman.

Montreal defenseman Mike Komisarek, 27, wouldn’t supply much offense, but the 6-4, 245-pound bruiser would help. Anaheim’s Francois Beauchemin, New Jersey’s Johnny Oduya and Pittsburgh’s Rob Scuderi are good players on the lower end.

It is currently 10:43 am.  I wonder if it is too early to start drinking?   Also, I wonder if we could trade for each of those players by offering Hecht, Tallinder, Lydman, and Connolly respectively.  I bet Bucky thinks we can.

Defenseman Sekera must be signed. He made $659,000 last season but has little leverage. A three-year deal starting at $1.1 million and escalating seems fair.

1,252 words in and Gleason has named the first player that the Sabres should keep on their roster–Andrej Sekera.

The more money spent along the blue line, the less available for forwards. Stafford is the biggest question mark. Will another team offer him a deal and force the Sabres to match it or accept four or five first-round draft picks in return? That scenario appears unlikely given the disaster in Edmonton after the Oilers overpaid Anaheim’s Dustin Penner two years ago.

/slams head against table, cracks beers/

Stafford made $984,000 last season and will have arbitration rights after next year. He scored 20 goals and 45 points last season. He has the potential to net 30 goals, but there’s no ignoring long stretches last year in which he disappeared. A three- or four-year deal starting at $2 million for next season is well within reason.

I have a sneaking suspicion that Stafford is going to make more than $2 million next season.  I mean, if Dominic Moore can command over $3 million on the free agent market, Stafford is going to make more than $2 million, no?

MacArthur had 17 goals and 31 points last year, including five goals in the final eight games. He had one goal between Jan. 1 and March 7. He also was shut out from Nov. 8 to Dec. 17. He made $522,000 last season. A deal starting at $1.1 million is plenty fair.

Kaleta is another RFA with limited leverage. He pocketed $500,000, but he’s not going to command more than $750,000 when Adam Mair is making $775,000. RFA Mancari should expect $574,000, his current NHL deal, plus the mandatory minimum 10 percent raise, for a chance to make the team.

All told, my payroll is $51.358 million, including the game-changing defenseman the Sabres need most.

And let’s take a  look at what the $51.358 million is going to buy you.  12 forwards, 6 defensemen, and 2 goalies.

***Updated***

Vanek–Connolly- Pomminville

Gerbe?-Roy-Stafford

MacAurthur-Gaustad-Paille

Mancari-Mair-Kaleta

Bouwmeester-Rivet

Paetsch-Butler

Sekera-Weber

Miller-Lalime.

OK, my team isn’t winning the Cup this year, but at least we’re on the right road. To me, that’s a victory.

At least you said it so I don’t have to.  But then again, you made it a whole column without mentioning Drury or Briere so maybe the Sabres can land Bouwmeester.  If that is the case, I will gladly eat a microphone.

I am sorry to have to address Michael Vick in this space again but I feel that it is absolutely necessary to take Larry Felser to bat for this column. The idea that any media member is suggesting that the Bills sign Vick reeks of making a statement just to get a reaction out of the public.  Well, congrats Larrry, here is a reaction.

Pros, cons of signing Vick

By Larry Felser

Michael Vick, just weeks away from paying the last of his debt to society, is about to return to becoming a member of that society. The unanswered question is whether he gets to resume his previous way of making a living, namely as a player in the NFL.

I don’t doubt that he will have the opportunity to play in the NFL again.  In fact, I am quite sure that some clueless GM in an effort to drum up press and sell tickets will take a chance on Vick.

The answer to the question will arrive in two parts:

1. Does he, turning 29 next month and away from the game for two years, still possess the athletic gifts that allowed him to perform at a high level for six seasons?

Maybe.  I hear that you can’t teach fast.   Then again, no coaches were ever successful in teaching accuracy to him either.

2. Is there a team among the 32 NFL franchises willing to take a chance on him in the face of what is expected to be a firestorm of negative reaction against such a team that signs a player who committed the heinous acts in the dog fighting scandal that landed him in prison?

After a quick google search of “Who is interested in Michael Vick” it seems that there are in fact several teams who might be interested in Michael Vick.

I can predict the answer to the second question.

I can do you one better than predicting, I just googled it. You know, using facts to help me ascertain a possible outcome.

Already there are rumors and whispers around the league that there are at least five teams willing to handle such a hot potato and explore the signing of Vick. Among the rumored five is the Buffalo Bills.

Really?  Where did you get that information from Larry? After doing the aforementioned google search none of the top 75 search results mention the Buffalo Bills.  When further searching columns by John Clayton from ESPN the Buffalo Bills are never once mention either.   Mike Florio of the Sporting News mentions the Bills as a potential landing spot with his reasoning as follows:

We already know the Bills are willing to do a deal with the devil to win football games, given that they’ll be paying $6.5 million guaranteed this year to receiver Terrell Owens(notes). The reaction in Buffalo has not been revulsion but euphoria.

As a result, some league insiders think the Bills would try to add Vick, either as a Wildcat option or as essentially a joint starting quarterback with Trent Edwards(notes).

Here’s the simple reality: Both Owens and Vick are virtually certain to behave for at least a year. And owner Ralph Wilson is 90 years old.

Frankly, If I’m lucky enough to embark on a 10th decade on the planet (and if I happen to inherit a football team from a wealthy relative by then), I’d likely be willing to take the chance that a guy like Vick will stay out of trouble for however many more football seasons the great Referee in the Sky allows me to enjoy.

Clearly Florio is well connected with the Buffalo front office.  He states the Bills could sign Vick because Terrell Owens is a head case and Ralph Wilson is old.  I really hope that this isn’t the information that Felser is using to use Buffalo as a possible landing spot.

The reasons the Bills might consider adding Vick to their roster are:

Their owner, Ralph Wilson, is 90 and he has seen it all. The strong possibility of a firestorm reaction from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals would not make him flinch. I doubt that he cares what PETA thinks. Besides, Wilson has always been a second-chance person, willing to give someone an opportunity to right a previous wrong.

Oh, maybe he is using the Florio column has a reference point since both writers have now said that since Wilson is 90 that he wouldn’t be opposed to signing a dog slaughterer.  That is akin to saying that since my Grandfather is 93 he would be willing to let me get a swastika tattooed on my face. I mean, what the fuck does he care? He is in his 90’s!  It is amazing he even remembers to put pants on in the morning!

If anything old people are better at  hating young people and the things they do than anything else.  Since when has anyone over 90 been accepting of things that young people do?  It is always get off my lawn this, I hate minorities that.  Old people are the MOST non accepting people in the world. That is, unless you are Larry Felser, of course.

This is the final year of the present decade, a period in which the Bills have not tasted the playoffs. If Vick’s audition suggests he could be a plus to the team’s chances to play in the postseason I suspect that Buffalo’s desire to add him would increase.

A man who used to be fast and hasn’t played football in two years isn’t exactly what I would call someone who would increase a team’s chances of making a playoffs.

Vick would come here, or just about any other city, with the new team’s having no plans to use him as a full-time quarterback. In his starring day in Atlanta he was prized as a great athlete, not for his accuracy as a passing quarterback. The Bills would have to have some sort of offensive plan to use him as a “slash” utility man, as Pittsburgh once used Kordell Stewart. The Bills would have to become enthused to inject enough new stuff in their offensive playbook to use Vick as a specialty quarterback- runner-receiver, or to install some “Wildcat” formation plays that would give him the option of taking direct snaps and either running or passing.

WILDCAT! WILDCAT! WILDCAT! I have had it with the effin wildcat offense.  It isn’t exactly a revolutionary offensive formation.  Teams figured out how to defend it by week 5.  In addition to that defenses, seeing Vick on the field, would immediately know that the Bills are up to some tricky shit. So even if you are suggesting using him as a decoy you are essentially wasting a potential blocker.  I hate the stupid wildcat offense.

And, maybe we all just have short term memories here, but do you remember the last times the Bills’ offense tired to get cute all of the time.  The coach’s name was rhymed with Smlarkey.  Everyone hated him.  Remember?

As a non-full-time quarterback who is used for no more than 15 or 20 snaps a game, Vick would not be in line for the enormous money he was paid as an Atlanta Falcon.

Well, he still has a contract with the Falcons who would have to release him first. Or maybe the Bills could trade a 5th round pick to Atlanta for a dog murderer.  I mean it isn’t like Buffalo players have had any problems with the law lately. What is the big deal in bringing on a convicted felon?

If the Bills were hungry enough to take a chance on Terrell Owens they might be hungry enough to sign Vick.

Terell Owens has shown that he is still an elite player.  The only question mark regarding him is if he goes bat shit insane during the course of a season.  Vick hasn’t played football in two years.  That is a big difference.

The reasons the Bills might not be interested in signing Vick:

Two years away from the game at his age can erode skills and if he has slipped so would the Bills’ desire to add him.

And he killed a ton of dogs, right?

His agent may ask for too much money.

And he killed defenseless dogs, right?

If the football deep thinkers decide they have enough on their plate from smoothing out the new passing attack with Owens joining Lee Evans, a realigned offensive line, replacing Jason Peters, opening the season with a three-game absence of the suspended Marshawn Lynch, a few more potential suspensions and the breaking-in of rookies from what may have been a helpful draft, then adding even more plays and formations to accommodate Vick would be a burden.

So Vick slaughtering dogs and the distractions that would come with that shouldn’t factor into the Bills decision regarding this, huh?  Good to know.

Also, what happened to simplifying the offense and using the hurry up this season? Ahh, screw it, let’s throw all of that out the window because the Bills have a chance to sign Mike Vick!

We may see if the Patriots, always a jump or two ahead of the Bills, can convince the Kraft family that Vick might assure another trip to the Super Bowl.

Yep, you heard it here first, if the Patriots win the Super Bowl this season it will be because of Michael Vick, not because they are an awesome football team.

This will conclude posts with the Michael Vick tag here at FTLT.  Baring, of course, game previews with the Patriots when I gush about how Vick is averaging 4 passing touchdowns  and 3 rushing touchdowns a game, all while he is primarily lined up as a running back!

…and its not me!

If you’re any sort of sports fan in the US, I’m sure you’ve read or at least heard about Fire Joe Morgan or read something that someone “FJM’ed” If not, I suggest you go visit the site, or read Big Daddy Drew’s Fun with Peter King series over at KSK. We’re not here to talk baseball or football though, well not THAT football anyways.

We’re here to talk soccer, and what other sport in America has the greater misconceptions about it than soccer? So I figured I’d take a lazy Thursday and do a little FJM style breakdown of my own. I know, everyone and their mother has done one of these in the past year, but its an easy formula, and its fun. This one comes from First Things,  The Journal of Religion, Culture, and Public Life. I found this gem last night courtesy of Rockabye of The Arena and The Rookies.

Bigus Dickus of Unprofessional Foul already took his shots at it, and now its my turn to lay it on some more.

How Soccer is Ruining America: A Jeremiad
By Stephen H. Webb

(original article in bold text, my comments in italics)

Soccer is running America into the ground, and there is very little anyone can do about it.

Yes, soccer is behind all the turmoil that America is going through, not the economy, sub prime mortgages, the war in Iraq, or any of a million other things that are more pressing issues in today’s society. No, it’s SOCCER.

Social critics have long observed that we live in a therapeutic society that treats young people as if they can do no wrong. Every kid is a winner, and nobody is ever left behind, no matter how many times they watch the ball going the other way.

Okay,  you’re right, sometimes we do coddle kids too much, like when every kid gets to bat in baseball and you can sub people in and out in between innings, or how about any time I was put on the basketball floor in elementary school, I was horrible and shouldn’t have been out there at all.  But, what’s this got to do with soccer, like at all? Are you saying you’d like youth sports to be only for the kids that are really good, because that’s a whole different article, bud.

Whether the dumbing down of America or soccer came first is hard to say, but soccer is clearly an important means by which American energy, drive, and competitiveness is being undermined to the point of no return.

HARF HARF! You win, I should quit writing now. That next statement is just stupid without even mentioning the fact that energy and drive are basically the same thing. You run more than any other sport in 90 minutes on the pitch and games can be competitive down to the last whistle 90% of the time, you can’t say that about a lot of other sports.

What other game, to put it bluntly, is so boring to watch? (Bowling and golf come to mind, but the sound of crashing pins and the sight of the well-attired strolling on perfectly kept greens are at least inherently pleasurable activities.)

Ugh really? Halfback passes to the center, back to the wing, back to the center, center holds it, holds it, holds it.

I understand games can be boring at times, but this goes for any sport, but at least when a soccer team is down 3 goals, they have some chance, even when there’s 10 minutes of play left. When an NFL team is down by more than 2 touchdowns with 10 minutes left, its over 90% of the time.

Really?  The sound of crashing pins excites you? You have the worst taste in sounds sir, I bet you’re also a fan of Celine Dion. Watching people walk around a golf course in nice clothes amuses you too? That sounds pretty boring, that’s reason #504 on the list of reasons to watch golf.  Look I like golf, and really enjoy playing it, but I’m not sitting down to watch it for the scenery or a fashion show, If I wanted that, I’d go outside and to the mall.

The linear, two-dimensional action of soccer is like the rocking of a boat but without any storm and while the boat has not even left the dock.

lin⋅e⋅ar: involving measurement in one dimension only; pertaining to length: linear measure.

What is it, linear or two-dimensional?  How many dimensions must a sport have for it to interest you?  Six?  Are you a big Rock ‘n Jock basketball fan?  Isn’t there something to be said for simplicity in sports?  If all you’ve got going on at the core of it is people kicking a ball around, can’t that create some amazing action?  What do you want a simple car that is intuitive, or a car that has 500 buttons you can’t operate?

Think of two posses pursuing their prey in opposite directions without any bullets in their guns. Soccer is the fluoridation of the American sporting scene.

Think of soccer players playing with no ball, think of driving without any gas in your car, think of anything without something and it makes it boring.

Then you go and use the word fluoridation to describe it? That doesn’t even make any sense. Allow me to use my dictionary again if you will, replacing fluoridation with the definition:

“Soccer is the addition of fluorides to the public water supply to reduce the incidence of tooth decay of the American sporting scene”

Oh ok, I see what you mean, I didn’t quite get it when you threw that big word in there, but now it makes complete sense.

For those who think I jest, let me put forth four points, which is more points than most fans will see in a week of games-and more points than most soccer players have scored since their pee-wee days.

And here I thought you were just being a court jester, dancing around and juggling simply for my amusement, just dancing and making bad soccer jokes for me to laugh at.

Actually Watford fans saw their team get 6 points in the last week. Oh you mean goals, okay, I gotcha. In the last two days of action we’ve seen 28 goals from 8 matches, so I don’t know where you’re watching your games.

What does pee-wee soccer have to do with anything? Go watch a kids basketball game, they end 20-16 most of the time. Children’s sports ≠ professional sports, ever. Pee-wee

accounting wouldn’t yield the same results as grown up accounting now would it?

1) Any sport that limits you to using your feet, with the occasional bang of the head, has something very wrong with it.Indeed, soccer is a liberal’s dream of tragedy: It creates an egalitarian playing field by rigorously enforcing a uniform disability.

Clinically wrong with it, they’re all mental patients!  So what about a sport that only uses the hands? Does that have something very right with it? I can’t wait to read your dissertation on the dangers of hackey sack to the American public.

There you go again, using big words to confuse me. You really had to go out of your way to use egalitarian? Equal or level would have worked just fine buddy. I’m no journalist (I play one on the Internet though!) and I only took two years of journalism classes, but if I remember correctly, you’re supposed to lower the reading level when you’re writing articles and not use thesaurus words when possible. But I digress, how does it level the playing field exactly? Just like every other part of the body, the legs and feet of everyone are not equal. Some people have quicker ones, some have more stable ones, stronger ones, etc.

Anthropologists commonly define man according to his use of hands. We have the thumb, an opposable digit that God gave us to distinguish us from animals that walk on all fours. The thumb lets us do things like throw baseballs and fold our hands in prayer. We can even talk with our hands. Have you ever seen a deaf person trying to talk with their feet?

Well, obviously we use our hands for more stuff than we do our feet, they’re on the upper portion of our bodies, and have five fingers that can grab stuff, we don’t use them to remain upright therefore they are more useful. You ever seen anyone walk with their hands? No? Why not?, hands are clearly superior.

When you are really angry and acting like an animal, you kick out with your feet.

Or punch with your hands, depends on who you’re fighting. When you’re jamming you’re “kicking out the jams”, or when you’re having fun with friends you’re “kickin’ it”, not all kicking is angry.

Only fools punch a wall with their hands.

Only fools get in fights with walls.

The Iraqi who threw his shoes at President Bush was following his primordial instincts.

Or was following logical instinct because his gloves would not have reached their target, it’s physics, sir. I’m sure if he had some rocks or something else hard, he would have thrown those instead.

Showing someone your feet, or sticking your shoes in someone’s face, is the ultimate sign of disrespect. Do kids ever say, “Trick or Treat, smell my hands”?

What if that someone had a foot fetish? Wouldn’t the opposite be true?

Obviously nobody wants to smell your feet. Go put a pair of cotton gloves on, then a pair of leather ones and tighten them onto your hands for the whole day, then see if anyone wants to smell your hands. Actually has anyone ever asked to smell your hands? That’ be even weirder than smelling my feet and I’d get a little creeped out.

Did Jesus wash his disciples’ hands at the Last Supper? No, hands are divine (they are one of the body parts most frequently attributed to God), while feet are in need of redemption. In all the portraits of God’s wrath, never once is he pictured as wanting to step on us or kick us; he does not stoop that low.

I’m not even going to get into anything in the above statement because its stupid and I’m not taking any sort of stance about any religious statements.

So we’re at the end of point #1, and you’ve made no solid claims against soccer, other than you don’t like feet, but still didn’t say anything besides feet are evil.

2) Sporting should be about breaking kids down before you start building them up.

Uhhh ok, what do you want? A bunch of 5 year olds who’ve had their souls crushed? Listen Mr. Soul Crusher, you’re never coaching my children.

Take baseball, for example. When I was a kid, baseball was the most popular sport precisely because it was so demanding.

I know you’re probably a lot older than me, but as a kid baseball was so popular because it was the exact opposite. Stand around in the sun chewing gum and sunflower seeds half the time, and the other half go sit on a bench. Practices were even better because you got to do what amounted to screwing around with your friends, and you only ran for maybe 2 minutes each practice.

You know what sports you didn’t get to screw around in? Every other one. I hated basketball, because all we did was run all practice. Soccer was pretty demanding, more running too. I never played football, but you’re out there hitting pads or other people all day.

Children don’t find something popular because its demanding ok, children find something popular because its fun. Brushing your teeth, not popular, not fun. Action figures, popular, fun.

Even its language was intimidating, with bases, bats, strikes, and outs.

Please don’t say bases, that word still intimidates me to this day.

Striding up to the plate gave each of us a chance to act like we were starring in a Western movie, and tapping the bat to the plate gave us our first experience with inventing self-indulgent personal rituals.

I never thought I was in a western movie when I stepped up to the plate, in fact, you should think the exact opposite and think you’re in a sports movie where you hit a homerun.

The boy chosen to be the pitcher was inevitably the first kid on the team to reach puberty, and he threw a hard ball right at you.

….and then you were supposed to hit that ball. You sir now understand the basic fundamentals of baseball. Congrats!

Thus, you had to face the fear of disfigurement as well as the statistical probability of striking out.

What kind of baseballs did you use in your time? Jeez, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a baseball disfigure someone. Again, you are never coaching my children. Ever.

The spectacle of your failure was so public that it was like having all of your friends invited to your home to watch your dad forcing you to eat your vegetables.

Did you grow up in the 1890’s? Your dad forcing you to eat vegtables was a spectacle of failure. But thank you, you have now allowed me to use my favorite FJM tag on this one, food metaphors, even if its not a good one.

We also spent a lot of time in the outfield chanting, “Hey batter batter!” as if we were Buddhist monks on steroids. Our chanting was compensatory behavior, a way of making the time go by, which is surely why at soccer games today it is the parents who do all of the yelling.

Great, you mention steroids and baseball, as if that isn’t a hot topic and sore subject. You know why your chanting was a way of making time go by? Because you don’t do anything when you play baseball save for 10 second intervals. Its pretty damn boring. You know why kids aren’t chanting during soccer games? or any other sport? Its because there isn’t any downtime.

We get to the end of point two, and you still have not made any sort of points against soccer. You’ve only stated that you’re not into feet, and that you like baseball. Actually, at least in your hand fetish paragraph you at least had a tangible argument about soccer, here you just waxed poetic about baseball.

3) Everyone knows that soccer is a foreign invasion, but few people know exactly what is wrong with that.

Those people are not known as xenophobes.

More than having to do with its origin, soccer is a European sport because it is all about death and despair.

Wait, what?

Americans would never invent a sport where the better you get the less you score.

Ok, I’m confused now, is this 3rd point about golf or soccer? I’m pretty sure you need to score as many goals as possible in soccer too, unless I was mistaken and Derby County ran away with the Premier League last year.

Even the way most games end, in sudden death, suggests something of an old-fashioned duel.

Ok, seriously? You just touted baseball for being awesome because it had intimidating words like strike and out, sudden death is pretty intimidating.  Then, you equated being at the plate like a western movie, which is like an old-fashioned duel.

Next to no games end in sudden death, which has been called golden goal in soccer since 1993, almost all end in a win, loss, or draw.

How could anyone enjoy a game where so much energy results in so little advantage,

Honestly, because its entertaining. Not everything in life that requires a lot of energy to create something small is bad. It takes a lot of energy and hard work to win a chess match, but it takes less energy to play a game of checkers, both played on the same board. Which one is more enjoyable? Chess, because its more of a mental challenge. You don’t see the world champion of checkers being touted as a genius do you?

and which typically ends with a penalty kick out, as if it is the audience that needs to be put out of its misery.

Gaaaaagh! A penalty kick out? Did you do ANY FREAKING RESEARCH!!!  Simple wikipedia research would have gotten you the result you were looking for.  Is it a penalty kick out where each team does the can-can and the ref decides who has the better form?

Again, most matches do not in fact end with penalty kick outs, okay?  In fact from now on, in honor of you, any time I mention any type of penalty shot, I will refer to it as a penalty kick out, I just wish they happened more often.

Shootouts are such an anticlimax to the game and are so unpredictable that the teams might as well flip a coin to see who wins

This might be the only part I semi agree with in this whole thing, its not perfect, but neither are a lot of overtime methods. But they’re still exciting, if you were on twitter with me yesterday and saw how many people all over the world were holding their breath over every shot taken in the Roma v. Arsenal match, you’d see that excitement. But wait, you said shootouts here, why then did you wrongly call them penalty kick outs earlier?

-indeed, they might as well flip the coin before the game, and not play at all.

Again, you’re beating a dead horse that’s not even accurate. ONE IN EVERY 1,000 MATCHES ENDS WITH A PENALTY KICK OUT!! Okay dude, you keep harping on something that’s totally wrong. STOP IT.

So we started Point 3 with you harping on the fact that soccer was a European invasion which you didn’t say anything more about other than it had scary words, and then you end making an erroneous point about penalty kick outs, that you tried to nail home not once, not twice, but three times.

4) And then there is the question of gender.

Oh, I’m a male. Is this a job application or something?

I know my daughter will kick me when she reads this, but soccer is a game for girls.

She will kick you like an animal that’s angry, because that is the only use for the foot!

Why would your daughter kick you when you say a sport is for girls? She is a girl right? So shouldn’t she like the fact that its for girls? If you told her barbies were for boys she might kick you, but if you’re saying soccer is for girls and shes a girl, she really shouldn’t get angry

Girls are too smart to waste an entire day playing baseball, and they do not have the bloodlust for football.

They just play softball instead. and you’re saying its stupid to play your favorite game all day? Way to keep ragging on the sport you’re trying to uphold as awesome.

I know a few girls who play rugby, and they’re insane and would rip your head off given the chance.

Soccer penalizes shoving

Baseball also penalizes shoving

and burns countless calories,

Thank you, someone finally mentioned it! I really hate when I burn calories, nothing better than being 500 pounds and lazy.

and the margins of victory are almost always too narrow to afford any gloating.

I’m pretty sure you can gloat after you won 1-0, and wouldn’t you gloat more when you narrowly edge out an opponent than when you beat them by a large margin?

As a display of nearly death-defying stamina, soccer mimics the paradigmatic feminine experience of childbirth more than the masculine business of destroying your opponent with insurmountable power.

Huh? So because you run a lot its feminine? That makes no sense, running is a non gender specific activity, and its good for you. You again, for the 4th point in a row, had no point to this one.

Let me pass along something I learned in school about arguing a point, you want to state your argument then reinforce it with reasons why this argument is valid. Not make a point and then ramble on about stuff unrelated to your main point.

Let me conclude on a note of despair appropriate to my topic.

Did your daughter kick you?

There is no way to run away from soccer, if only because it is a sport all about

running.

Unless there’s a penalty kick out, because then its all about kicking.

It is as relentless as it is easy, and it is as tiring to play as it is tedious to watch.

Okay.  I’m not even saying you have to enjoy watching the sport, but it’s not very easy. Why don’t you go give it a run with some gentlemen your age in an indoor game and see how easy it is.

It’s the most fundamentally easy sport in the world, anyone can kick a ball, but not everyone can hit a baseball, throw a football, or sink a jump shot. That’s the beauty of the game, you can pick up a ball and just go have fun no matter your skill level, language, age, etc. but it does take a ton of work to master, like everything else. Any other sport besides basketball requires a few people and some organization to be fun.

The real tragedy is that soccer is a foreign invasion, but it is not a plot to overthrow America.

Isn’t that not a tragedy, but a really good thing? Do you want foreign invaders to be invading with guns and missiles, or with soccer balls? Plus soccer has been around in the US for a long time, its not like it just popped up out of nowhere yesterday.

For those inclined toward paranoia, it would be easy to blame soccer’s success on the political left, which, after all, worked for years to bring European decadence and despair to America. The left tried to make existentialism, Marxism, post-structuralism, and deconstructionism fashionable in order to weaken the clarity, pragmatism, and drive of American culture. What the left could not accomplish through these intellectual fads, one might suspect, they are trying to accomplish through sport.

It’s a freaking sport, I don’t even understand what you’re getting at with the rest of this paragraph. America was FOUNDED by Europeans, don’t a lot of things we do here have European backgrounds? We go eat at Italian and French restaurants, we speak English, drive German cars, etc.

But if I understand what you’re saying, its that soccer is trying to make people lazy and less driven. Even though you just said you exert a ton of energy playing soccer.  Those would be what you call polar opposites.

Yet this suspicion would be mistaken.

Dude, after I wrote all this, please don’t tell me you think soccer is awesome, because it sounds like you might do that with this sentence.

Soccer is of foreign origin, that is certainly true, but its promotion and implementation are thoroughly domestic.

So Americans promote things in America? Shocking, more at 9, now back to you Jim.

Soccer is a self-inflicted wound. Americans have nobody to blame but themselves. Conservative suburban families, the backbone of America, have turned to soccer in droves.

Ok, so this is your point that all this has lead up to? You wrote this 5 days ago. If this is your main point, it should have been written 20 years ago, if not longer. Every kid plays soccer when they’re little, but where is the harm in that.

Baseball is too intimidating,

Scary words like strike!

football too brutal,

You said soccer was all about death or something like that. Death is the gold standard of brutal.

and basketball takes too much time to develop the required skills.

Yeah, I’d agree, I suck at basketball. But you can’t just hand someone a baseball bat and expect them to hit 10 home runs either.

American parents in the past several decades are overworked and exhausted, but their children are overweight and neglected. Soccer is the perfect antidote to television and video games. It forces kids to run and run, and everyone can play their role, no matter how minor or irrelevant to the game. Soccer and relevision are the peanut butter and jelly of parenting.

DAMNIT! You do like soccer then? I don’t get it.

I should know. I am an overworked teacher,with books to read and books to write, and before I put in a video for the kids to watch while I work in the evenings, they need to have spent some of their energy. Otherwise, they want to play with me!

That would suck, I mean who wants to spend time with their kids when they can be writing long articles that don’t have a point?

How old are your kids that you have to put a video in? They can’t do it themselves? Why do you still have a VCR? Its 2009, get with the times.

Last year all three of my kids were on three different soccer teams at the same time.

So you like soccer? Or you wrote this because you wish they’d play a “man’s” game, like baseball?

My daughter is on a traveling team, and she is quite good.

You said earlier that it was really easy, how do you become good at the sport? Maybe that will turn itself into a full ride scholarship to a major university and you won’t have to pay a dime for her schooling, that’d be pretty awesome wouldn’t it?

I had to sign a form that said, among other things, I would not do anything embarrassing to her or the team during the game. I told the coach I could not sign it. She was perplexed and worried.

This is the best line of the article for me, I’m just waiting for the punchline….

“Why not,” she asked? “Are you one of those parents who yells at their kids? “Not at all,” I replied, “I read books on the sidelines during the game, and this embarrasses my daughter to no end.”

Oh. NERD!! But seriously you can’t even cheer your daughter on? That’s pretty mean. You’re saying that your only basis for soccer, your children’s games, aren’t ever watched by you because you’re reading the latest Danielle Steele book?

I see what kind of person you are now too, you couldn’t just sign the thing and be done with it, knowing that what the form meant was not what you do at all. You had to be the guy who took the form too literal and wanted to make some sort of point.

That is my one way of protesting the rise of this pitiful sport.

YOU SHOW’EM!! That’ll teach those European invaders who are trying to do….um…well you never really said why they were invading or what soccer was doing to us here. While you’re protesting, you’re not getting to enjoy what your daughter likes to do.

Nonetheless, I must say that my kids and I come home from a soccer game a very happy family.

Well at least theres that.

But seriously, you never made one solid point,  just a bunch of abstract points that made no sense and then just rambled along about that general topic.

I get it, you hate soccer. Not everyone likes everything, but the point of you complaining about it? Is it just because your kids like it and you don’t? You wish they liked baseball more? What is it?

You called this a jeremiad in your title, yet you never stated what prophecy of society’s imminent downfall soccer was causing. America is in a pretty bad state these days, and your chosen subject to pin blame on is soccer? What about drugs, sex, greed, corruption, the list goes on. Soccer is a game, it keeps kids fit, causes social interaction, and is just plain fun, where is the wrong in that?

At least I had fun, and will enjoy the next penalty kick out I see.

In-the-words-of-one-wise-beyond-her-years…

“Oh,yeah!Now-THIS-is-what-I’m-talkin’-about!”

YAY,WORLD!!

The guys at FireJoeMorgan have decided to hang it up, leaving a massive void in my personal internet habit. It truly is a sad day. I’m sure a bunch of imitators will pop up to fill the niche, but it won’t be the same. I almost feel like one of my friends told me he’s moving to Peru and won’t be around anymore. I’m actually shaken up over it.

Well, for my part, FJM helped me get over my connection to old-fashioned stats and my unease with Vorpies. Now, I guess people would consider me a Vorpy. All it took was a little humor and a little intelligence. There was no site on the internet quite like. And now, with no more FJM, I just hope the pendulum doesn’t swing back the other way. I hope there isn’t an uprising of the uninformed. I’ll try to do my part to fill the void, knowing full well I cannot replace them. I can only hope to continue their fight to meet idiocy with ridicule.

Farewell, Ken, dak, and Junior. Might a flight of Ecksteins sing thee to thy rest.

FireJoeMorgan, my favorite sports blog and one of my favorite media blogs, is no longer– a relief to illogical sports commentators everywhere. The skilled writing on FJM was not the product of any untrained blogger sitting in a Kansas basement– its primary author, Michael Schur, is a writer-producer for The Office, a veteran of several years on Saturday Night Live, and related by marriage to one of the biggest figures in American TV (at least earlier in this decade). Now I’m waiting for someone to start FireMarkHalperin.

I realize the following post may be sacrilegious, but it’s one I feel needs to be written. Fire Joe Morgan is one of the best blogs of all time, but let’s not kid ourselves – lately it is slipping. To me, yesterday’s post exemplifies just how far the site’s quality has fallen.

The premise: Richard Griffin wrote a post defending the win statistic for pitchers. He thinks it’s the best way to measure a pitcher’s worth because “the team goal is victories.” Now obviously this is wrong in so many ways, and FJM is ready to tell us why. We get it; wins are a stupid way to measure a pitcher’s value. But the way Junior tried to dissect Griffin’s prose is just flat wrong on so many levels. Let’s dig in.

Sure enough, this season’s ERA is more than half a run higher than [Burnett's] career ERA and his WHIP is also much higher than normal. His strikeout numbers are good, but they’re only slightly better than his career K/9 (innings) ratio, and are actually lower than last year’s K/9 numbers. In fact, his win-loss record and games started numbers are the only numbers that are noticeably better than what he’s put up over the last 5 years. [snip]
My question is this: when was it decided that a context-specific stat like wins is the determining factor in declaring a “career year”, especially when Burnett’s ERA and WHIP seem to suggest it’s actually his worst? Or is it maybe that the “career year” stat is the number that we don’t see – namely, A.J.’s usual 5-10 games lost to injury?

First, the above is an email from one of Griffin’s readers asking why this is a career year for Burnett. Griffin reliably responds that it’s because he’s a winner, leading Junior to say this:

This is, presumably, the same reason that between the pitching Hernandezes, Livan (10-8, 5.48 ERA) is having a better season than Felix (8-8, 3.28 ERA). Don’t you understand baseball is a team sport, Felix, you selfish prima donna?

Of course no one really believes that, but yeah he’s really giving it to Griffin! Go get ‘em, Junior.

I will slice it using Win Shares. It has the word “win” in it, and like you said, baseball is about winning.

2006 9.8
2007 12.1
2008 9.4

Win Shares is a terrible statistic. It’s so heavily dependent on team defense that it really tells you very little about how the individual pitcher actually performed. It’s a meaningless tool to use in player evaluation. The FJM guys should be much better than this.

Burnett’s biggest contribution this year compared to years past is that barring injury, he’ll pitch more innings than he ever has as a Blue Jay. But come on: a lot of those innings have been horrendous. Guy had a 6.07 ERA in April and a 5.06 ERA in June. Heck, even though he’s sort of turned things around, his ERA in August is 4.96.

Small. Sample. Size. Give me a fucking break. Chase Utley had a .780 OPS in July. Superstar? I think not. Dude fucking sucks!!eleventy!

A better, more nuanced argument here would be that although Burnett’s 4.58 ERA is unsightly, he has made 14 very strong starts where he allowed 2 or fewer runs. Whether through skill or through luck, he managed to cluster a lot of the runs he’s allowed this year into three or four absolutely horrendous outings. And I guess that’s more valuable than allowing 4 runs every time out.

Here is the biggest problem I have with the entire post. Is the 4.58 ERA unsightly? I suppose, although it’s basically league average. But ERA is not how you should evaluate pitchers. Again, it all comes back to defense and BABIP. If you have a great defense behind you to turn hits into outs, you’ll look much better as a pitcher. If you have a defense that blows cock (Cincinnati comes to mind) or just get unfortunate on balls in play, you’ll look like a bad pitcher. This is not hard, FJM. ERA is a shitty metric. Quit relying on it. If you want to tear down someone else’s argument, you have do it correctly. You’ve managed to set the bar high for yourself based on your past excellent (and funny) work. Stop with the shitty analysis.

FWIW, there is a metric that allows us to evaluate how a pitcher does INDEPENDENT of his defense. Fielding Independent Pitching (FIP) essentially tells us what a pitcher’s ERA would be if he were “luck-neutral” and not tied to the whims of BABIP. How does A.J. Burnett look on those metrics? Since coming to Toronto, his FIPs have been:

2006 — 3.84

2007 — 4.44

2008 — 3.68

Well, look at that. Lo and behold, it HAS been a career year for Burnett in a Blue Jay uniform. He’s just been extremely unlucky, giving him an “unsightly” 4.58 ERA. This shit is not hard.

Junior did have some final words for us:

My proposal: we give the win a new name. We call it the DORK. We call a loss a BLORK. Thus, pitchers now have DORK-BLORK records instead of win-loss records. Won’t Richard Griffin feel manly when he extols Andy Sonnanstine’s heroic 13-6 DORK-BLORK record? Sonnanstine knows how to DORK, yes he does! Derek Lowe is 10-11? Needs to put his team on his back and lead them to the DORK. I don’t care how close some of his BLORKs are, because hey, the bottom line is: you play to DORK the game.

Hilarious.

Excuse me as I get snarky, FJM style.

Pump prices set records again
Supply and demand have no bearing, analysts say

Holy shit! This has to be the biggest story of the day. Could this be a breakthrough in theoretical economics like the Veblen good? Is this article going to explore the further possibility that gasoline is a Giffen good?

Retail gasoline prices surged to new highs in California and nationally over the last week, the Energy Department said Monday. Prices are increasing even though supplies are plentiful.

Wow, can’t wait to hear more about the supplies being plentiful. Maybe there’s a fleet of barges that landed in New Orleans with loads and loads of sweet, sweet crude. Maybe the new secret government underwater pipeline between the Haliburton HQ in Iraq and the Bush compound in Crawford, TX has finally happened. Bush and Haliburton are so competent, it’s a wonder they didn’t do it sooner. Bwah, hah, hah, hah.

In California, the Energy Department’s weekly survey of service stations showed, the average price of a gallon of self-serve regular climbed 7.7 cents to $3.685 — the biggest increase and the highest average in the country — after hovering around the $3.60 mark for the previous three weeks. The state’s latest average was 43.3 cents higher than the same week in 2007.

Hmm, no mention of new discoveries that one ground seagull can yield two barrels of oil. But, we do have information on prices rising. I would have never guessed that prices of oil are rising. Where would I have seen that?

Nationally, the average jumped another 4.2 cents to $3.332, which was 53 cents higher than a year earlier. The jump in pump prices largely reflects strong crude prices.

More about prices. Hmmm. What about advances in harvesting nose oil from millions of adolescents? Are you working for the government and trying to keep information like that away from me? I call conspiracy!

The increases come even as drivers such as Tony Galvan of Goleta are cutting consumption. Galvan, a computer system administrator, and his wife, Joan, have parked a vintage 1961 Jaguar and dumped a thirsty Chevy Trailblazer in favor of their motorcycles and a gas-sipping sport wagon. Galvan, 60, said he had cut his gasoline consumption from 10 gallons a week to around 4 gallons by commuting on his bike.

Holy fucking shit!!! Why didn’t you lead with Tony Galvan and his wife Joan cutting their consumption? Now it all makes sense. When Tony Fucking Galvan, king of the California Network of Transportation cuts his gas use by 6 amazing fucking gallons in a week, Smith Barney listens. I better get Bandar bin Sultan on the phone, stat, and let him know he has to get rid of a few houses because Saudi Arabia is about to go broke.

Investors seeking a hedge against the weak U.S. dollar and the poor performance of stocks were driving oil and gasoline prices, experts said. Supply and demand, they said, had nothing to do with it.

So, investors seeking a hedge against the dollar are buying commodities like oil. I bet they are also craving oil. Desiring oil. Those are much different than demanding oil. Demand is non-consensual. It’s oil rape. Investors are just looking to make good clean oil love.

“Commodities like oil are the only game in town,” said Fadel Gheit, an analyst for Oppenheimer & Co. Said Tom Kloza, chief oil analyst for the Oil Price Information Service: “T.S. Eliot talked about April being the cruelest month. I’m beginning to think he was talking about gasoline.”

So, what do we know about supply and demand and their effect on oil?

1) Prices are increasing.
2) Tony Galvan uses less oil.
3) Commodity analysts have no penises since they read poetry.

Its been awhile. You look great. Here are some links as a reward for your patience.

- Ross Ohlendorf: Yankee reliever second, cattle rancher first

- Didn’t realize that Byung-Hyun Kim was on the Pirates. Despite the fact that his team won in 2001, I’ve actually always felt some pity for BK.

- George Sherrill is off to a good start in Baltimore.

- Man, I hope Armando Benitez makes the Blue Jays’ roster. He’d be absolutely destroyed in the A.L. East.

- Juan Rincon is hoping to bounce back this year. He’s only had one good year in his seven-year career; I’m not so optimistic.

That’s all for now. AL Preview coming soon…

Also: Mike Celizic (a/k/a “Hat Guy”), common foil for the boys at FJM, discusses the rise of the professional set-up guy.