You Only Live Twice

TYPE: Action, Mystery

RATING: 7/10

REVIEW:

This one didn’t seem to have the flair that is usually associated with James Bond. Maybe it’s just because of the fact that I’ve watched too many movies and have a feel for gadgets. Either way this one was a gadget-less mission.

Bond seems to be on the verge of breaking down. He keeps irregular timings, he keeps making mistakes meant for a much lower class of me, and there is an aura of forgetfulness around him.

M is then given advice by a psychologist friend to allow Bond to recover slowly by giving him a mission that will bring him back to his senses. It is then that Bond is sent for a diplomatic visit to Tiger Tanaka in Japan who is a high honcho in the secret service. To retrieve something that England needs, Bond finds himself trapped in the necessity to overcome death itself by trying to kill a world-wide crimnal who harbors an Island of Death.

XXX. John Ford: Cheynne Autumn (1964)

Pitkä. Jimmy Stewart -väliaika. Lopussa törkeä taustaprojektio, jottei Robinsonia olisi tarvinnut raahata erämaahan.

XXX. Victor Fleming: Red Dust (1932)

Kova! Palvelija. Mogambo heti jonoon, jotta voin pettyä.

XXX. Visa Mäkinen: Mitäs me sankarit (1980)

Tässä oli muistaakseni pari oikeastikin hyvää juttua.

XXX. Godfrey Reggio: Koyaanisqatsi (1982)

Jopa parempi kuin odotin. Kaupungin yö hienointa.

XXX. Ken Hughes: The House Across the Lake (1954)

aka Heat Wave, millä ei mitään tekemistä. Yllättävänkin kulkeva pikkunoir näköjään ohjaajan oman romaanin pohjalta, vaikken taaskaan uskonut femmen voimaa. Hughes kasvoi näköjään isompaan: CCBB! Päähenkilön ja aviomiehen dialogi biljardipöydällä alussa nautittavaa kieltä ja näyttelemistä.

XXX. Gary Tarn: Black Sun (2005)

Huonossa asemassa Koyaanisqatsin paikalla seuraavana yönä eikä siksi voinut mitenkään olla tuottamatta pettymystä. Täytyy katsoa uudestaan ainakin muulla musiikilla ja ainakin kertaalleen monologilla, josta oli nyt koko ajan tietoinen.

XXX. Abel Ferrara: Bad Lieutenant (1992)

Parempi kuin odotin The Funeralin jälkeen. Keitel on hyvä.

XXX. Godfrey Reggio: Powaqqatsi (1988)

Ei niin hyvä. Musiikki ei toimi koko aikaa. Kärsi ehkä Black Sunin tavoin silti Koyaanis-varjosta. Naqoy tilaukseen, 5,49.

Lxxx-xxx. Jörn Donner: Aamua kaupungissa (1954) & Näinä päivinä (1955-ELONET/1956-YLE)

Mukavat ja sympaattiset!

XXX. Don Siegel: The Duel at Silver Creek (1952)

Räjähtävää energiaa! Ajattelin etukäteen, ettei selviä kokoelmassa, mutta olin väärässä! Tämä oli maukas. Audie Murphy ei edes toimi protagonistina tässä, mikä tuli yllätyksenä. Näyttää nahkatakissa kovana jätkänä hellyyttävältä hymyineen, kuten pahis Johnny Sombrerokin Sokeanhölmöä sheriffiä esittävällä Stephen McNallyllä on liukasta karismaa. On näköjään ollut Criss Crossissakin.

Foto: CTK

Esta temporada, Abril y Mayo de 2010, el MET presentará Armida de Rossini con Renée Fleming como Armida, el reparto incluye a José Manuel Zapata como Gernando que vuelve al MET después de su debut en Il barbiere di Siviglia en 2008.

Escuchemos a Renée Fleming en el rondó D’amor al dolce impero de Armida, en una versión bastante alejada de la de Joyce Didonato que se comentó recientemente en el blog. La grabación procede de un concierto en Praga el pasado verano, le acompaña la Symfonický orchestr Českého rozhlasu, Orquesta sinfónica de la radio checa, bajo la dirección de John Keenan.

Abbiamo già detto che – riducendosi freneticamente i cicli di vita di ogni “cosa”  poiché sempre più rapidamente il contesto ne determina l’obsolescenza – i cambiamenti che dovranno affrontare le organizzazioni e gli individui saranno, nell’unità di tempo, molto più numerosi.

Domanda:

Quanti capolavori hanno prodotto nella loro intera vita Michelangelo, Beethoven, Thomas Mann? Uno? Due? (stiamo parlando di capolavori, non di “esercizi” ).

E quante teorie rivoluzionarie hanno prodotto nella loro intera vita Newton o Einstein? E quante scoperte decisive hanno prodotto nella loro intera vita Pasteur o Fleming?

E quindi che cosa ci fa pensare che un imprenditore geniale, un manager sagace, un capo eccezionale possa produrre un numero talmente elevato di geniali business idea, strategie innovative, scelte organizzative da consentire ad un’azienda di procedere a tutti quei “salti” di curva cui siamo obbligati nell’Era dello Squalo Bianco?

E che cosa ci fa pensare – sì, proprio a noi, a me – di avere sempre l’idea “giusta” rispetto ad ogni contesto?

Quante soluzioni “giuste” possono avere in serbo dei singoli uomini – anche se particolarmente intelligenti –  nella loro intera vita?

Ahimè, non ci sono uomini adatti per tutte le stagioni e poiché è per altro vero  che – come si usa dire – non ci sono più le stagioni di una volta (con la loro prevedibilità, stabilità o al massimo con qualche complicatezza), un altro cambiamento culturale profondo che ci impone l’era della complessità è quello di rassegnarci alla limitatezza nostra (e degli altri) come singoli individui e imparare davvero a “giocare in squadra”.

Il capo, il padre, l’eroe che indica la via, dice agli altri che cosa fare e da cui dipende la felicità di ognuno è definitivamente morto.

Note: IMAO is apparently down at the moment (or my computer is having a liberal fit), so the pictures will just link to themselves.

Reminder: You can send your own submissions to guffyconservative@gmail.com. You can make your own images with the lolbuilder. Anything that I understand enough to know is alright and that is free of the usual (profanity, misusing God, etc.) will be posted. No guarantees on speed, though.

Hohoho, Merry Ramadan!

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Invisible hoverbike.

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I don't want to be a terrorist. I just want to be a... LUMBERJACK!

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Driving test: try again.

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Yes we can!

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Give me an 'O.' Give me a 'B.' Give me an 'A.'

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Your torture... is smelling your own BO.

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He sees his shadow. There will be 6 more weeks of jihad.

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Rulers of Iran. Ruler of kids' table.

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Invisible tuba solo.

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Casper has an evil twin.

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Blending in. You're doing it wrong.

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Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?

Disclaimer: Not all views expressed in featured photos are necessarily those of SCAAC or its author(s). Keep in mind that these are jokes and not to be taken seriously by anyone.

Contribution: If you have a picture you’d like to submit for posting, email it to guffyconservative@gmail.com or leave a link in the comments.

I'm in your white house, stealing your rights.

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My human is retarded.

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Investigate 9/11. Ok, I investigated. It's 0.81818181818181

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Dude! Where's my coke?

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Your chin has a flavor. nom nom nom

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Look! Requests for bailouts!

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Mr. Articulate has a broken teleprompter.

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Change-O-Rama

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Experience. More. More. Less. More. More.

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This beats going to Grandma's funeral.

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It says it's blackberry flavor. It's allowed to say that?

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I connect with voters.

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Can I have apple? I'll share it with poor people. Promise!

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I'll do a magic trick. The Constitution will disappear!

Disclaimer: Not all views expressed in featured photos are necessarily those of SCAAC or its author(s). Keep in mind that these are jokes and not to be taken seriously by anyone.

Contribution: If you have a picture you’d like to submit for posting, email it to guffyconservative@gmail.com or leave a link in the comments.

By Harvey:

Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!:

….The Vatican said it will make it far easier for disgruntled Anglicans to convert to Catholicism, in one of Rome’s most
….sweeping gestures to a Protestant church since the Reformation.

….A newly created set of canon laws, known as an “Apostolic Constitution,” will clear the way for entire congregations
….of Anglican faithful to join the Catholic Church.

This is just crazy. Unless the Pope is going to reverse his position on quickie divorces for English Kings, I don’t see how this can work.

I mean, come on… what’s next on the “improbable mash-ups” list?:

---

* IMAO & Daily Kos

* Irresistable Forces & Immovable Objects

* Fred Thompson & John Edwards

* Rush Limbaugh & Nancy Pelosi

* Smooth & Chunky peanut butter – It’s SMUNKY!

* Obama & decisive action

* Anita Dunn & Ayn Rand

* Barney Frank & Ann Coulter

* McDonalds & The Louvre… oh, wait…

* Michelle Obama & fashion sense

* Sausage McMuffins & donuts

---

What’s on YOUR list?

My grandmother on my mom’s side is a Heller. Passenger list records show that Lorenz, his wife Elizabeth (Fleming), and their children Anna, Andreas and Rosalia arrived at Castle Garden in New York City on May 16, 1866, on the ship Johanna. They were from Sossnow, Prussia. They lived in Neshkoro, Marquette Co., WI in 1870 and by 1880 had moved on to Princeton, Green Lake Co. In 1881, they moved to South Dakota. My direct line stayed in Wisconsin.

My great grandfather, Frank worked on farms at Fox Lake and in the lumber camps at Ashland.  After several years, he came to Montello and worked for the Montello Granite Company for about 45 years. His daughter, Florence married Raymond Hau in 1933.

Frank J.’s Random Thoughts:

“I’m bored with Obama. What’s the procedure for getting a new president?”

“It would save lives if everyone were forced to loudly announce their attack like in Japanese cartoons. ‘Drive-By Shooting!’”

“So what politics are you allowed to have if you want to own a football team?”

“I could see people not wanting Rush to own a team if it was European footsie ball, but American football? Man up, people.”

“If SNL wants to do something daring, they should do a sketch making fun of Obama whining about FOX News.”

“Holidays are great as a kid, but eventually you realize work doesn’t magically get done just because you had a day off. Unless you’re a sorcerer.”

Top Ten Reasons Obama Is Going to Be Friends with the Taliban:

“Didn’t Jesus say, ‘Love thy enemy’? And more importantly, didn’t Muhammad say, ‘Islam shall rule all the earth’?”

“Though they chant ‘Death to America!’ and ‘Death to Israel!’, he can’t really come up with a good defense for either country.”

“It’s not like terrorist friends are new to him.”

“If he doesn’t end the Afghanistan war soon, he’ll have to meet with that scary General McChrystal again.”

“They promised to tally him bananas.”

Obama is so useless and incompetent as president that…

“…the only thing he got out of his meeting with the IOC was a coupon for five dollars off a ticket to the 2016 Olympics.”

“…he thinks a Democratic majority in the House and Senate just gives him more power to whine about Republicans.”

“…he’s claiming the stimulus has ‘worked as intended.’”

“…the Honduran military got a court order to depose him too.”

“…not only will he not condemn a brutal regime or break off negotiations, he won’t even rescind a party invite.”

“…while Iranian protesters were being murdered, he went out for ice cream.”

“…even his dog is not listening to him and pursuing its own nuclear weapons program.”

“…Biden is the perfect vice president for him.”

“…he’s letting Iran drill for oil in ANWR.”

“…every time Kim Jong Il tests a missile, Obama is scared into sending North Korea the federal government’s daily budget for lunch.”

All posted quotes should now be up under a “Favorite IMAO Quotes” page.

Frank J.’s Random Thoughts:

“I know what Nixon did was awful, but that’s still not a good excuse for electing Carter”

“I don’t believe anyone has ever opposed something a president has done before. It’s unprecedented. I blame sexism.”

“So are the mindless charges of racism a reverse “Southern Strategy”? Shore up black support at the expense of white support?”

“If you think open-carrying a gun gets you a lot of stares, try it with a battle axe. Of course, if you’re planning on mugging someone, there are plenty of non-battle-axe-carrying people to choose from.”

“Fringe is a lot like X-Files, except… it’s a lot like X-Files.”

“I don’t think ending missile defense will be a winner for Obama. One of things Americans like most is not being nuked.”

“Reading a weekly magazine for news these days is only a step up from reading cave paintings.”

“With Obama ending missile defense, we should all learn from Indiana Jones and get lead-lined fridges.”

“Would it be considered a partisan stunt if I jumped twenty Democrats on a motorcycle?”

“There’s a very good reason conservative argue principle and liberals tend to promote specific policies. When liberals start to argue frankly what they actually believe, holy [cow] is that scary.”

“During the 2008 campaign, I always wondered what a community organizer was. Thanks to the ACORN videos, now I know!”

“Conservatism started in 2009 as a response to there being a black person as president.”

“What does Carter know about racism? He’s a dumb cracker.”

“Frankly, I’m tired of white people. I’m around them all the bleeping time. If you don’t know any white people, all they do is stand around and tell racist jokes. It gets old fast.”

“Let’s keep harping on the MSM until they give up and finally criticize Obama and then let’s call them racist.”

“I think a lot of the anger from conservatives directed at Obama might be because Obama is from the opposite party and is president.”

“Wow! Conservatives haven’t been this riled up since the last time the president was a Democrat. It must be because he’s black.”

“How do you tell a real racist from someone falsely accused of racism? Real racists will bite you.”

“I think Obama’s been on camera more than the star of the Truman Show.” The Truman Show was a movie about the fictional Truman Show, the main character (Truman) of which had no idea he was on a TV show. The TV show aired 24-hours-a-day.

“Yes, if a racist bites you you become one.”

“In the future, hopefully ACORN employees will be more cautious of which pimps they confess their murders to.”

“I know global warming is real because I once warmed a globe in a lab.”

“Being a rightwing wackos will always be balanced by need of an actual job. The left can actually find jobs as being wackos, though.”

“Obama could earn a lot – a lot – more conservative support if he also declared that Jimmy Carter is a [jerk]. Actually, isn’t the fact that Jimmy Carter is a [jerk] part of the Republican platform?”

“All this race stuff is getting silly. We need some sort of national program to blind everybody. I would only get blinded in one eye and be king.”

“If I were blind, I would become a samurai.”

“Advantage of lack of coverage of 9/12: People can claim whatever number they want attended and no one is there to contradict them.”

“I wish I had a handgun that sets people on fire at a distance because sometimes I don’t want to kill people and just want to set them on fire as a warning.”

“Hurm… what political issue should I pretend to care about today…”

“Blogs are nice, but I’m never going to feel like a full-fledged crank unless I publish my own newsletter.”

“Yay! ACORN has been defunded! I wonder if we should be suspicious though of this new BCORN that just popped up?”

“Obama is stupid. When do we get a new president?”

“The stupidest part of the liberal is their brain.”

“I think the most fundamental principle any liberal has that guides all his political actions is the sincere belief that he’s very smart.”

“It will be great for Obama after 2010 because then his complaints about Republicans blocking him won’t seem so silly.”

“More people need to speak out against the earth. We never chose this planet and it’s kinda mindless to pretend we like it so much. One day we’ll find a planet without earthquakes and tsunamis and we’ll all say, ‘I can’t believe we used to like Earth. It really sucks.’”

“I think Obama’s biggest problem is that he hasn’t been on TV enough. I’m glad he’s going to remedy that.”

“In a free society, having the government decide what your kids should know will always make public schools a square peg shoved in a round hole.”

“Liberals are very smart and if you disagree with them they will bite you.”

“If you ever saw Garofalo talk about politics, it does always look like she’s just on the edge of savagely biting the person nearest.”

“I don’t agree with what you say, but I’ll fight to the death for your right to say it. And then I’ll bite you.”

“Sometimes I want to beat myself up because I get jealous of how awesome I am.”

“I heard that during the vetting process Van Jones bit off someone’s finger and that still didn’t disqualify him. Also, he urinated on one of the forms, but no where in the rules does it say you can’t do that.”

“Maybe we’re overreacting. People just tend to get suspicious of black Vans.”

“HOLY [COW]! RAINFORESTS ARE WET!!!”

Random Thoughts:

“Future Headline: “Conservatives Angry, Hippies Hardest Hit””

“Killing all the lawyers would save us money on health care. Especially if we kill all the sickly lawyers.”

“I missed it; did Olbermann win in his fight against death or is he dead now?”

“I bet death beat him up and gave him a wedgie on air.”

Most of the CNN Fact Checks and Puppy Tips.

“This country needs a revolution! Or if that’s too much, a rotation!”

“Crazy [right-wingers] are all so afraid of Obama even though he hardly ever bites.”

“Me, I’m not afraid of liberals. I’m afraid of fire.”

“It just shows what a mystique Obama has that even I keep getting tricked into thinking he has basic competence.”

“It’s nice to know the international community can make our president dance for their amusement.”

“Don’t worry about Obama; he’s got years to figure this job out.”

“Did I see it in the paper? Might as well ask if I’ve seen it painted on the cave wall.”

“For the record, you can’t complain about Glenn Beck and then prop up a loud moron like Alan Grayson.”

“I just got an e-mail that Obama may not be an American. Anyone hear of this?”

“It’s not that Alan Grayson is an exceptional loud idiot in Congress; he’s just a new one.”

“If we let people who say moronic things who don’t live in safe, uncompetitive districts, it will be anarchy.”

“Anarchy is one of my least favorite archies.”

“Didn’t the last time the Democrats had a majority in Congress they kept it for 40 years? Not thinking they’re going to do so well again.”

“On further review, the dumbest thing about Alan Garyson’s outburst is that he labeled ‘if you get sick’ a step.”

“The White House talked to Iran and they think it went well but they can’t be sure since everyone was speaking Iranian.”

“So how many of the Polanski defenders are ignorant and vacuous and how many are perverted beyond all help?”

“Alan Grayson is kind of an idiot. I can see accidentally saying something stupid but it’s different when you had Kinkos print it out for you.”

“Palin is very innovative. She was apparently the first to use a ghost writer just like she was the first politician to use a speech writer.”

“Probably one of Hollywood’s biggest problems is that they try to take on complex moral issues when they fail the basics.”

“Let’s not let the little issue of raping a 13-year-old obscure the bigger issue: A judge may have been overzealous!”

“So how big a majority do the Democrats actually need to enact their idiotic agenda?”

“Raping a 13-year-old isn’t an ‘agree to disagree’ thing. It’s a ‘you can no longer be part of our society if you disagree’ thing.”

“How about conservatives agree to search for and kick out the racists if liberals agree to do the same for the pro-rapists.” And their own racists, while they’re at it.

“I don’t think all — or even most — liberals are pro-rapist, but they apparently have a pro-rapist problem.”

“I like these ‘Free Polanksi’ petitions. It’s so much easier when Hollywood blacklists itself.”

“The economy should eventually improve, but we all might be enslaved by apes by the time it happens.”

“I will be on the View tomorrow at 11am ET. No, wait, that was just a nightmare.”

“What separates man from animal? Hats.”

“I hope before the White House staff gives Joe Biden toys they make sure none of them are a choking hazard.”

“So are the French for drugging and sodomizing 13-year-olds? If so, I hope the State Department issues some sort of travel warning.”

“What exactly is Obama supposed to talk to General McCrystal about? McCrystal doesn’t watch Grey’s Anatomy.”

“The more I read about Polanski’s crime, the more I move from ‘he’s suffered enough’ towards ‘chuck him in the incinerator.’”

“So should we start a pool on what country is going to get nuked first or which country going to first do the nuking?”

“Know what would be the quickest way to get rid of lots of nuclear weapons? A worldwide nuclear war.”

“I wonder if the evil-universe version of me always wears a hat.”

“Liberals: ‘Republicans rhetoric is inciting people to murder! We must stop them any way we can, including murder!’”

“You shouldn’t be allowed to have ‘and’ in your country name. Trinidad & Tobago sounds more like a buddy cop film than a nation.”

“That Qaddafi guy is a conspiracy-loving nutjob. I wonder if he’d be interested in the Green Jobs Czar position?”

“Before the U.N., crazed dictators had to just satisfy themselves by ranting into the mirror”

“Does the U.N. really need to give crazy people an international platform to rant? Can’t they just get a blog now?”

“I think most of our societal ills can be traced to when the public decided it was morally okay to go outside hatless.”

“I wonder if lemmings will ever decide to sue humans for defamation of character; they could be joined by the ostrich and the ‘boiling’ frog. ‘I don’t care if we make great political analogies! It’s just not true!’”

“I like Obama today. I guess it’s seeing Qaddafi and Dinnerjacket; Obama seems like George Washington in comparison. Perspective is good.”

“Anyone who exaggerates is like Hitler times a million.”

Know Thy Enemy:

• Hamas:

“Hamas was founded in 1987 according to some site I found with Google. I was eight years old then and wanted to be a fireman or an astronaut. Blowing up Jews had not crossed my mind.”

“Contrary to popular belief, Hamas has nothing to do with ham. Actually, if you throw hams at them, they’ll get angry.”

“Make sure to keep Hamas away from your Jews.”

“I don’t like to loosely throw around charges of anti-Semitism, but I don’t think Hamas members like Jews.”

“Hamas protects their armaments by hiding them among children so Israel will hesitate to shoot back. For a ground war, Hamas is planning on wearing vests covered in live puppies. Killing terrorists isn’t worth harming an innocent puppy, is it?”

“If you’re surrounded by members of Hamas, shout, ‘One of you is secretly a Jew!’ Then watch them shoot each other while screaming, ‘Who Jew?’ It’s high-larious!”

“One of the reasons that they keep attacking is that none of the Hamas members knows what ‘ceasefire’ means and are too embarrassed to ask.”

“If a Hamas member says he wants peace, it’s a trick! Shoot him the head.”

“If a Hamas member says he wants to borrow the sports section from your newspaper, it’s a trick! Shoot him in the head.”

“Hamas has a wing that’s devoted to charities. It’s a lot like the Salvation Army… if the Salvation Army murdered Jews.”

“Actually, if you see a guy ringing a bell around Christmas, make sure he’s with Salvation Army and not a Hamas member before you give him money.”

“If you’re in a cafe in Israel, and someone runs in there and indiscriminately starts shooting people, he could be a member of Hamas, so be careful.”

“Hamas is a big part of the ‘cycle of violence’. They launch rockets at Israel, and then Israel is like, ‘Hey, don’t do that.’ And thus the cycle of violence continues.”

“The cycle of violence will continue on forever… or until Israel finally gets fed up and nukes the [heck] out of everyone.”

“If you think you see a Hamas member, make sure to report him to the nearest heavily armed Jew.”

“Hamas’s objective is to act like crazed [murderers] to provoke Israel into a larger war where all the Muslim world comes together to destroy Israel. So far it hasn’t worked since the rest of the Muslim world like getting killed by Jews even less than Hamas.”

“[Heck], even I don’t like getting killed by Jews.”

“If Hamas were actually able to destroy Israel, they would then go on to form the Muslim version of a utopia, i.e., ignorant Muslims killing each other over pieces of God-forsaken land. So it would be pretty much like the rest of the Middle East.”

“Actually, without the oil, there really isn’t much of a point to that region, is there? We probably wouldn’t even bother mapping the area and just write ‘Here there be tygers.’ But I digress.”

“In a fight between Hamas and Aquaman, Hamas members would run into the ocean to try and suicide bomb Aquaman and all drown. Good job, Aquaman.”

“Sometimes Hamas members blow themselves up in their own apartments when they try making bombs. That makes me giggle. Hee hee.”

“Members of Hamas, much like the northern short-tailed shrew, are largely illiterate.”

“Maybe Isarelis and Hamas could all get along if they just hugged.”

“No! Don’t hug the Hamas members; it’s a trick! They’re just going to blow up!”

“For most combatants, the object is to kill the enemy while not being killed. Hamas had the idea, ‘Hey, what if we kill the enemy and kill ourselves at the same time?’ And thus suicide bombing was born. It’s not a great idea, but you have to give Hamas props for thinking outside the box.”

“Hamas won’t rest until the Jews are pushed out into the sea. That will significantly improve the GDP of the sea.”

“If you make a Mexican laugh, and he wants an encore, he’d say, ‘Ha! Mas!’” Actually, they’d write it: “”¡Ja! ¡Más!”

“I think that means I’m about out of fun facts.”

Know Thy Enemy:

• Socialists:

“The first socialist was Thog the Puny, who never hunted but thought he should be in charge of how the kills were distributed. He was brutally clubbed to death by the other caveman, and no one blamed them.”

“The name ‘Socialist’ is kinda ironic since they’re not very social on account of everyone hating them.”

“Much like the marriage of chocolate and peanut butter, socialism was made through the happenstance union of meddlesomeness and uselessness.”

“The Founding Fathers originally wanted to put the proper punishment for socialists in the Constitution, but decided the phrase ‘musket to the junk’ just wasn’t appropriate for the document.”

“If you think you see a socialist, report him to the nearest business owner so he can club him to death.”

“When socialism destroys the country, many terrorist groups will try to claim credit. Hey, if you want credit for it you better start registering Democrat right now, terrorists.”

“Oh, you’re already on top of that.”

“Using socialism to help revive a failing economy is like putting angry weasels down your pants because you need some rest.”

“How do you tell a socialist from a communist? It what color they burn when you set them on fire.”

“Socialists have a new weapon — the stimulus. With this, they’ll reward failing businesses with your money. And why won’t that work to help the economy? Capitalism!”

“If you find yourself surrounded by socialists, don’t panic. Just try to find the first flight out of Europe.”

“The socialists main friend is the deadbeat, someone just as lazy and useless as [a] socialist but who never had the idea to turn that into a political ideology.”

“Obama was first enchanted by the ideals of socialism when he took a economics class while coked out of his mind.”

“There are a lot of socialists in the animal kingdom… no wait, not the animal kingdom. What kingdom are viruses in?” Answer: I don’t think they are. Viruses aren’t living organisms.

“In a fight between Aquaman and socialists, Aquaman will end up penniless and on the streets since all his money will have been taken away to pay for the mortgage Black Manta took out knowing full well he couldn’t afford it.”

“If a socialist bites you, immediately clean and cauterize the wound before you lose half your income to lazy people.”

“The socialist’s main weaknesses are actual work and [butt]-kickings.”

“Oh, and clubs.”

Frank J.’s Random Thoughts:

“For all we know, the other nominees could have all been murderers and terrorists and rapists and thus Obama was the most deserving. Certainly none of them bombed the moon.”

“The Nobel Peace Prize is yet another way Obama is personally connected to terrorists.”

“Just once, I’d like Obama to say, ‘Let me be clear: Gurble flazzle wiggy woozle.’”

“If they bring back Crystal Pepsi, Obama would be a great spokesman. ‘Let me be clear… Pepsi Clear!’”

“Didn’t the Nobel Peace Prize committee see Obama kill that fly?”

“How am I like a terrorist? I laughed at Obama. How am I not like a terrorist? I’m not friends with Obama.”

Know Thy Enemy:

• Pirates:

“Piracy started quite accidentally when one ship crew realized how fun it was to board another ship while yelling ‘Arr!’ and laughing heartily.”

“Today’s pirates tend to have AK-47s instead of muskets which is considered cheating. Don’t let a Navy SEAL catch you cheating!”

“If people plunder you on the sea, that piracy. If people plunder you on land, that’s the Obama administration.”

“Many pirates settled in Canada where after years of peace and maple syrup, their ‘Arr!’ faded into an ‘Eh’.”

“No matter how much a pirate says to do it, he’ll actually get angry if you shake his timbers.”

“Piracy is covered by the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, meaning that, following an attack by pirates, the U.N. will debate the issue for months before passing a resolution demanding that pirates think about what they are doing, and that if the pirates keep being pirates, the U.N. will consider passing another resolution.”

“Reason why so many pirates are missing limbs and eyes: Fred Thompson.”

“A lot of people when boarding your ship may claim to be pirates, but make sure to ask for identification. If someone is murdering your crew and stealing your booty but doesn’t have the proper ID, make sure to report it to the pirate union.”

“In response to piracy, Obama plans to open talks with Tortuga with no preconditions.”

“The United States has not ratified the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, meaning that if pirates capture a U.S. vessel, Navy SEALs can shoot the pirates in the head.”

“Jolly Ranchers have no relation to the Jolly Roger… that I know of. To be on the safe side, though, if you see a bunch of Jolly Rancher wrappers lying about, be prepared for a pirate attack!”

“If surrounded by pirates, ask for ‘parlay’. That will give you time to escape while they look that up on Wikipedia.”

“If someone boards your land going vessel and steals it, that’s a carjacker, not a pirate. You can still run him through with a cutlass, though.”

“If 4 Somali teenagers get in a boat and call themselves pirates, they can capture a boat with a crew of 21. If those same teenagers try to capture a Ford pickup in Alabama, their bullet-riddled bodies will be found with tire tracks across their backs.”

“If pirates take someone hostage, you’ll probably get the person back unharmed if you pay the ransom. You’ll also get the person back unharmed if you shoot all the pirates dead, plus that’s cheaper.”

“And funnier.”

“Cap’n Crunch gained his commission and command of the Good Ship Guppy after bringing Jean LaFoote, the Barefoot Pirate, to justice.”

“Pirates idea to bury their treasure ending up being quite a sound investment strategy this past year.”

“Captain Hook, the pirate nemesis of Peter Pan, attended Eton College. Hook, the starting quarterback in his team’s Sugar Bowl loss to Florida, fumbled on the goal line when the Gators’ middle linebacker bit off his hand.”

“You may be able to avoid getting attacked by pirates if you drape a sign over the side of your vessel reading, ‘Radio Broken’.”

“Long John Silver began his adult career as a pirate, but discovered he had a talent for cooking. He gave up his life of crime to open a series of Burger King franchises after his successful lawsuit against Jerrico, Inc.” (Jerrico, Inc. owns LJS)

“If you’re really worried about pirates, go to Taco Bell. I’ve never seen one there, and I like their chalupas.”

“When fighting pirates, you may think the man with the big hat is the leader, but it’s actually the parrot on his shoulder. Take that bird out first!”

“Privateers are often confused with pirates. The main difference is that the president has called for an end to privacy.”

“The plank is a result of pirates starting to build a second connected ship and then just getting too lazy.”

“Some famous pirates in literature are Captain Jack Sparrow, the Dread Pirate Roberts, and Joe Biden.”

“Pirates are vulnerable to cutlasses, scurvy, and sniper-bullets to the head.”

“In a fight between Aquaman and pirates, Aquaman would… hmm, enemies at sea. This one is actually a job for Aquaman. Weird.”

Know Thy Enemy:

• Nancy Pelosi:

“Nancy Pelosi had to exploit her connections in government to get approval to build her gingerbread house.”

“If the pressure used to stretch back Pelosi’s face were ever released, it could take out a city block.”

“Every time Pelosi lies, her face stretches tighter.”

“Pelosi’s favorite food is the tears of crying children.”

“Humans have a natural, untaught fear of snakes, spiders, and Pelosi’s smiling visage.”

“Common Pelosi rebuttal in political debates: ‘I’ll suck out your life juices!’”

“If Pelosi looks at you and bares her teeth (”smiles”), that means she is about to attack. Shield face and groin.”

“Pelosi’s iPod is filled with nothing but the sounds kittens make when they’re strangled.”

“Contrary to popular rumors, Pelosi will not melt when she comes in contact with water. But she will multiply.”

“Instead of Nana or Grammy, Pelosi’s nickname from her grandchildren is ['Proof there is a Devil.']“

“In a fight between Nancy Pelosi and Aquaman, Pelosi would claim Aquaman never told her that he planned to submerge his enemies in water.”

“Pelosi has hired the Jim Henson Creature Shop to give her a wider range of facial expressions.”

“Pelosi doesn’t shake hands and kiss babies because she tends to frighten people when she exclaims, ‘Mmm… fresh baby!’”

“Currently, in San Francisco the phrase ‘The San Francisco Treat’ refers to a bag over Pelosi’s head.”

In Obama America…

“…the president hopes for failure of YOU!”

“…banks borrow money from YOU!”

“…blogs read YOU!”

“…illegal immigrants deport YOU!”

“…taxes cut YOU!”

I Hope He Fails:

“When Obama tries to talk like a pirate, I hope he fails.”

“When Obama tries to make a saving throw against poison so his 14th level half-elf mage survives a green dragon attack, I hope he fails.”

“When Obama tries to open clamshell packaging, I hope he fails.”

“When Obama tries to get the prize at the bottom of his cereal box, I hope he fails.”

“When Obama tries to avoid the chutes and only hit ladders, I hope he fails.”

“When Obama tries to figure which is the left shoe and which is the right shoe, I hope he fails.”

“When Obama tries to explain away his stupidity on the Tonight Show, I hope he fails.”

“When Obama tries to set his Tivo to record Grey’s Anatomy, I hope he fails.”

“When Obama tries to obtain both Boardwalk and Park Place, I hope he fails.”

“When Obama tries to chew gum and walk at the same time, I hope he fails.”

“When Obama tries to find what’s wrong with the picture in the latest issue of Highlights, I hope he fails.”

IMAO Condensed:

“Intellectuals: Some people put a much greater value on appearing smart over ever doing anything useful.”

Fun Trivia:

• Mexico:

“Mexico declared its independence from Spain on September 16th, 1810. This should not be confused with the first Cinco de Mayo of May 5th 1862, which marked Mexico’s victory over the French Army. Every day is Cinco de Mayo somewhere in the world.”

“The Chihuahua dog breed was developed in 1850 in Mexico. Purebred Chihuahuas are quite rare and VERY expensive. If you can’t afford one, a shaved rat is pretty much the same thing.”

“In the 16th century, Mexicans used poinsettia leaves for medicinal purposes, including to help control fevers. In modern times, they mostly use hospitals in Los Angeles.”

“Mexico is made up of 31 states. 38 if Obama is counting.” (Although it would actually be 41)

“The three colors of Mexico’s flag hold deep symbolism: green is for hope and victory, red is for the blood shed by the nation’s heroes, and white is for the nation’s vibrant cocaine export industry.”

“The border between Mexico and the United States is thought to be second-longest in the world – after the border between the United States and Canada – although no one can say for sure, since it’s been completely obscured by footprints. All of which, mysteriously, point north, leading scientists to speculate that Mexicans are made out of some sort of magnetic material.”

“Because Mexico is located in an area known as the Pacific “Ring of Fire.” the region is rife with millions of small, active volcanoes. These are harvested annually and sold under the name Habañero.”

“Mexico has seven hundred and seven species of reptiles. Which one is in that taco is anyone’s guess.”

• Britain:

“The British eat twice as many baked beans per head as Americans do, which may explain their obsession with greenhouse gasses.”

“In 1752, Britain switched between the Gregorian and Julian calendars, leading to the complete disappearance of the days between 3 and 14 September. Britain unjustly accused an innocent America of stealing the days, causing a resentment which most historians cite as the primary cause of the Revolutionary War.”

“There are over 30,000 John Smiths in Britain, including the Queen before she changed her name to Elizabeth.”

“Britain’s emergency number is 999 instead of 911, which – over there – is the number for an adult chat line. This causes a lot of confusion for Americans who expect “what’s your emergency?” and get “what are you wearing?” instead.”

“In 1745 the government made it illegal for Scotsmen to wear kilts. The ban remained in force until 1832. Anyone who’s seen a Scotsman on a windy day wishes it still were.”

“The two favorite pastimes in Britain are drinking tea and frantically searching for a public toilet.”

“In 2012, the Olympics will be held in London, with Britain being the favorite to win the gold in the 100 Meter Silly Walk.”

“Although people often make fun of the tall, bearskin hats worn by the Royal Guard, it’s been scientifically determined that the hats are only 5% goofier-looking than Donald Trump’s combover.”

“Every year in May, the town of Bognor Regis hosts its annual clown parade. A similar event takes place in the US, where it is called Congress.”

“Cheddar Cheese was discovered 800 years ago by accident when a milk maid allowed a pail of milk to go bad whilst being stored in the caves at Cheddar. Thus its nickname of ‘Stupid Lazy Wench Cheese’.”

“Matthew Webb was the first person to successfully swim the English Channel. He left from Dover in 1875, arrived in France 22 hours later, immediately accepted the surrender of the frightened populace, and renamed the country Webbland, as it is known to this very day.”

“Nottingham is home to the smallest public cinema in the world. With only 22 seats, it’s perfect for the screening of any Michael Moore documentary.”