Me daba el rol post-navideño por la página de la revista Proceso, como un pequeño receso a unas pendejas tareas del servicio social, y me encontré un análisis de José Gil Olmos sobre una “famosa” foto difundida en el perdiódico El Universal. Vean la foto, denle una pequeña estudiadita:

Se trata de la supuesta fotografía del cuerpo de Arturo Beltrán Leyva, si, ese mero, aquel de quien tanto se ha hablado estos días en todos los chingados lados, aunque a medias si hablamos de ciertos medios en relación a otros.

En su análisis, el Gil Olmos habla sobre el poder de una imagen frente a una sociedad que está empapada por valores bien específicos, y estudia la fotografía mencionando esos pequeños detalles que la hacen tan importante, no tanto por las ganancias de El Universal por difundir una imagen tipo La Prensa, con moronga y todo el pedo, sino por el mensaje que se da con ella como vehículo en tiempos en los que la constante, ya no noticia, es una guerra del estado contra el narcotráfico, con todas las características que se le añaden, tan necesarias para crear en la gente una idea de la guerra y sobretodo, una idea de los “malos”.

¿Checaron la imagen? Como bien dice el que hace el análisis en Proceso, el que se trate del cuerpo del Beltrán Leyva (yo sigo teniendo mis dudas, es como si me pasan una imagen de una virgen de guadalupe en un comal y me dicen que es un milagro) y el que se encuentre con los pantalones abajo -me recuerda casi casi un tigre de santa julia- y con billetes ensangrentados sobre el cuerpo, no es una mera imagen noticiosa. Hay todo un tratamiento detrás de ella y un efecto en la gente si no se detiene a analizarla y tratar de abstraerla del contexto reynante:

“Más que informar, la difusión de la imagen del Jefe de jefes se convirtió en un acto de propaganda de uno de los bandos en guerra y busca acabar con su adversario exhibiéndolo en sus peores condiciones.”

Para mí, lo que esa imagen connota es desde luego lo siguiente: Los despojos de un enemigo (despojos porque se trata de un cadaver, un “perdedor”, con los miembros rotos y tendido, por lo que está indefenso; enemigo, porque es difundida por medios oficiales, si, oficiales, por parte de la parte que ganó esta batalla en la guerra), humillado (casi desnudo y con los pantalones abajo porque no se le ven los huevos, porque entraría la censura para salvaguardar los valores familiares) y cubierto de lo que que más estaba rodeado, resultado de aquello por lo que era el enemigo y que ahora paga con su sangre/vida (naturalmente los billetes ensangrentados, el poder económico del narcotráfico) el haber roto las reglas y haber retado al estado, los buenos (es el estado a través de los medios de comunicación el que lo presenta, ¿no?).

¿No lo ven así? No me crean, estudien la imagen, cómo se da en el contexto actual y por quien es emitida. Y como decía más arriba, realmente no me convence para nada. Las imágenes tiene un poder tan grande que puede provocar guerras, o hacer que una nación entera se crea una mentira. La clave es Quién emite esa imagen. Por supuesto, la emiten entidades a las que les hemos dado una autoridad, y es esa autoridad la que ellas usan para con imágenes, mover para aquí o para allá el pensamiento de la gente. Su supervivencia depende de que la gente crea o no, y la manera más efectiva de ganar una guerra es presentando a la población una imagen que hable del éxito de la campaña y al mismo tiempo del fracaso del enemigo.

Fuente: Proceso “La Foto”

ok….trying to play catch-up from this trip…sooo much has taken place it’s just so much to even take in. I truly wish I had been able to come longer than just a week, but I see this time as the Lord showing me a glimpse of what life could be like in the mission field.

Saturday, November 14, 2009: Day 3 – girls trip to Antigua
So…. in lieu of going to Antigua on Friday, Amy decided it would be fun to have a girls day and go on Saturday and spend the day there…and honestly…a day wasn’t truly enough to see all that could be seen but it did give me an idea of what it was like. Modern day monks, three (3) weddings taking place at three (3) different churches (all of which I was going to see – churches, not weddings). It’s amazing at how simple the lives of the people of Guatemala are – the way they work and how hard they work. I learned that the people of this country, quality of service is more important that quantity. The cost of a service here is almost nothing compared to the States. Example: what would cost $65.00/hr to fix in the USA, would cost $10.00/hr instead; however, the part is somewhat more expensive sine it is imported, but at least you’re not getting the double whammy over getting hit with high fees and the service is done right the first time and you’re not being jipped. I got to try a variety of food, lamb stew with rice on the side, zucchini salad, a taco (what we would called a taquito), a papusa (two (2) flour tortillas with mozzarella-like cheese in it). Tortillas are an everyday with lunch thing, it takes the place of regular bread. Lunch is the meal of the day also – it is generally the biggest meal of the day in Guatemala and most of Central America. While in Antigua, there was a Festival for education going on in one of the parks, and I was approached by a Canadian woman who was asking about the verse on the shirt I was wearing, which was our youth SOLID shirt with Acts 26:18 on the back of it – she had a Spanish Bible and was asking about what it meant, I guess she couldn’t translate it very well or her English version was of another religion, praise God for an opportunity to talk in English to someone about God’s Word. I have really learned how needy I really am, even though I have so much, there are things I found in myself that I don’t necessarily “need” but want, which for me, turns into needing and that turns a focus away from my relationship with God. This is not a good need, it’s a need of things of this world. The old ruins of the city were beautiful, the background scenery of the volcanoes and mountains were pretty awesome – the fact that these volcanoes are still active is pretty neat too. God’s creation, AWESOME. Saturday was a long day, but fun to experience with the girls of the house. You’ll see a couple of photos with Hope and I together. Hope is the daughter of John and Amy Banta – she is 11 years old. We were all pretty tired from that day and headed home around 5:00pm and had a small meal. John had a “guys day” with Luke (8) and Titus (7). We, the girls, missed Titus and Luke’s soccer games…I was bummed about that but there will be another time for that.

Sunday, November 15, 2009: Day 4 – church, making galletas (cookies) and visiting the park
Woke up as normal 6am, had breakfast. Sunday school started at 9 and the service began at 10. I went with John and Amy to Pastor Teddy’s class and we studied Jude and he taught about who Jude was and how he introduced himself – he spoke first as a bondservant of Christ, then as his brother and how he addresses those he talked to “may mercy and peace and love be multiplied to you”. On a cultural note, in Guatemala and some other places in Central America, it is customary to address the person you are writing to in this fashion. We began to discuss the ungodly characteristics, judgment of sin, false teachers and characteristics of a follower of Christ and sanctification. He then challenged the class, which I have yet to do, to write someone a letter and offer encouragement to them, addressing them as the apostles did, even so as Jude did.

The music played during the service had me broken even though I didn’t fully understand all of the lyrics, I knew a few words that caught my eye, and God did the rest….He broke me. it’s amazing what He does even with language barriers! The message from Pastor Teddy, during the actual Sunday service, was out of Hebrews 11 – the stories of faith. It was a perfect message for the time I was there…a reminder of those who were well before me and that it took a lot of faith for me to take this step to go somewhere alone, as sin-filled, broken and really unworthy to even be called, He called upon me to go. He is using someone not great by any means, to do great things for His kingdom. After church, we went back to the house and we had lunch at the house, prepared more galletas for the week to come and then headed to the park to see John play soccer at 4pm. Now, going to this park, I was expecting a sizable park and a grass field, that was not the case: See more photos here. The league John plays on is all ages, various skill levels, but intense. They also have a children’s league and women’s league as well. The kids and women generally play on Saturdays and the men play on Sunday afternoon. This kind of thing is a big part of the culture. You will see families come out to the park and they invite you as well to take part in it, this is a great time of fellowship for them, in the neighborhood you are a big family and that is how you are treated, even the gringos/gringas who come. They really enjoy the time together, all of the kids come out and play as well on the other mini soccer field (also concrete), in the trees, etc. They really enjoyed and get into the soccer games, cheering for their teams, never getting upset at the ref (the players on the other hand do have that tendency to talk to the ref ) I think John’s team lost by one goal to a team who had players half his age. After the park, we headed home to eat dinner and relax a bit. On the way back, I got a frozen choco banana – chocolate covered banana, it was yummy, then we went to the gecko wall and saw one little gecko…looking at the picture – Look on the trunk of the tree at the top of the wall and you’ll see the little green guy – he knew I wasn’t interested in any Geico Insurance so he ran off pretty fast before I could get a full shot of him .

Amy and I got to talk quite a bit about the ministry and then John talked to me about what is going to take place during the week with regards to the camps – how they would be run. We then got on a tangent and talked about the ministry and the vision, which has me still deeply intrigued and I have grown to have a passion for it, because what I see it is definitely only going to be accomplished with God and what they want to accomplish for His glory and to reach the children of this area. I could see myself in a position with this ministry in a variety of ways.

I have really begun to appreciate the things I have even more so and how much I have that I really don’t need or waste in general. I look at this simple lifestyle and think…I could live this way – I only need the minimum. God has given me a heart for simplicity and I am seeing that, all the things I have in my life right now, so much of the “stuff” is just that, stuff, junk, clutter….it’s given me more of a drive to get rid of stuff I don’t need or anything that is just plain ole clutter, that serves no purpose. I don’t need all of the things I thought I did, living just these 3 days with them without all of that other stuff, has shown me I don’t need it. Other things I have learned is accountability. It’s easy to not do your quiet time, have solid prayer, do your daily readings when you don’t have others (friends, family, etc) to hold you accountable – I think I initially thought I was going to be more disciplined on my own while in Guatemala, but that def was not the case. I learned our distractions follow us EVERYWHERE, which is a great, humbling reminder and I am thankful for Him revealing this to me. I knew they [distractions] would, but it had to be shown to me as well – I’m kinda a visual learner .

Love,
Shea

Since the dawn of self-reflection, I have been an inert gas,
Other atoms’ interactions mocking me, as I flew past.
Every time I saw two bonding, I would quickly look away,
My full outer shell reminding, solitude is here to stay.

Looking at those lucky ions, never did I see the facts,
Never did I grasp the science, one who gives, and one who takes.
Can the atoms both be merry if their dipole is so charged?
Or do their nuclei carry hearts that shattered into shards?

I have circled a few atoms, now that I can speak their tongue:
Those with brains looked unimpressive; those with good looks sounded dumb.
Those with both were cold and distant, their electrons long since shared,
Atoms much stronger than this one waiting for their chance with her.

Now you beckon me with riddles, and all of this is so new –
Our polarity is brittle, and I don’t know what to do.
But regardless of what happens, Heisenberg remains unkind:
One of two forever present: thirst of flesh, and thirst of mind.

By John Bradford

For your better understanding of the scriptures, especially of the new Testament; for the forearming you against errors, which, through the ignorance or diverse acception and taking of terms or words used and written of the holy apostles, might happen; and for your consolation in the conflicts you are cumbered with in this present life; I am purposed, my dearly beloved, to write unto you some things (as God shall lend me his grace, the which I ask for his Christ’s sake now and for ever) hereabout. Take it in good part, I pray you, at least for my good will’s sake towards you in Christ.

In reading the scriptures, and especially Paul’s epistles, we very often do see these words, “flesh” and “spirit.” When therefore this word “flesh” is set against “the spirit” by the way of contrary, as Gal. 5, and almost everywhere, then must we know that it comprehendeth all and every of the natural powers, gifts, and qualities of man: yea, it comprehendeth all that ever is in man, whatsoever it be, (the “sanctification of the Spirit,” which none have but the elect and justified, only excepted:) like as this word “spirit,” when it is opposed or set against as a contrary to the “flesh,” doth signify that which in man the Holy Ghost hath purged from evil and sanctified to righteousness. The which word sometimes Paul calleth “the mind,” sometimes “the inward man,” sometimes “the new man,” and sometimes “a new creature.” The word “flesh,” taken as before I have said, is sometimes called “the old man,” sometimes ” the outward man,” sometimes “the body.” All which words do appertain, as to the soul that look inasmuch as it is regenerate, it is called “the spirit,” “the, mind,” “the new man,” “the inward man,” “a new creature.” Inasmuch as it retaineth the natural affections of man, it is called “flesh,” “the old man,” “the outward man,” “the body.” So that you may see in these terms and in every one of them is comprehended whole man, both soul and body, to be considered either according to regeneration and to the sanctifying of God’s Spirit, or else according to all that ever he is or hath by nature or otherwise, by any means, inwardly or outwardly.

Whilst we live here, there is a fight and strife in us which are the elect and, children of God;” “the flesh,” outward man, body, and “old man,” striving against “the spirit,” inward man, “new man,” and “new creature:” that is, so much as we are regenerate and endued with God’s Spirit, we do strive and fight against all the powers of our souls and bodies; retaining the natural and corrupt affections we have in us, and shall have so long as we live, to bring them as much as may be into obedience to the Spirit; at the least to bridle them, that they bear not dominion or rule in us.

This battle and strife none have but the elect “children of God:” and they that have it are the elect “children of God” (“in Christ before the beginning of the world,” whose salvation is as certain and sure as is God himself; for they are given to Christ, a faithful Shepherd, who hath so prayed for them lest they should perish, that we know his prayer is heard: — yea, he promiseth so to keep them that “they shall not perish.” And therefore they ought to rejoice, and comfort themselves in their conflicts, which are testimonials, and most true, that they are the elect and dear “children of God;” for else they could not, nor should not feel any such strife in them.

But perchance you will say, that the wicked have strife also in themselves, and oft are grieved with themselves because they have done such a sin; and therefore this is no such certain demonstration of election. To this I answer, that indeed the wicked and reprobate have sometimes, as you say, strifes and conflicts; as in Saul we may see it against David, and in Antiochus. But this strife in them is not a strife or battle betwixt “the spirit and the flesh;” as you shall see if you mark the differences to discern these battles, which now I will give unto you.

When man is displeased with himself for any thing done amiss, and striveth thereagainst, in respect that the fault displeaseth God his Father and Lord, in respect of Christ, etc., then is the same strife the strife of a good man, of one elected and that is the dear child of God: and the same man so displeased with himself may assure himself that he hath the “good Spirit” of God, which hath wrought in him that affection. Let him therefore call to God and cry, ‘Abba, dear Father,’ and ask grace and mercy, which assuredly he shall find.

But when one is displeased with himself, and striveth to amend any fault, in respect of civil honesty, of men, shame, beauty, bodily health, profit, hurt, friendship, etc., and not in respect of God’s displeasure and favour; then is the same sorrow after the world, and not after God; then is the same strife or battle a battle between the flesh and the flesh, and not between “the spirit and the flesh.” Such battles have the wicked, as Saul had, in respect of worldly honesty, shame, civil justice, etc. The wicked have not God’s Spirit of sanctification and regeneration to sanctify and regenerate them, though they have it concerning other gifts: and therefore they want the affections of the holy elect “children of God” and regenerated, although they have other affections by the which they are not discerned from the ungodly, or taken for holy in God’s sight.

I say, you shall see that the doctrine of election is not a casting of the bridle in the horse’s neck, or an overstrait curbing of the horse; that is, neither occasioneth licentiousness nor despair, but provoketh to battle against sin; and that not hypocritically, but in God’s sight and for God’s sake, (for they feel not their election that so fight not;) but it comforteth also in the cross and battle most comfortably, with comforts that never can be taken away: for what a comfort is it to see my sorrow and fight to be a demonstration of mine election! Wherein is true rejoicing, as Christ said, “Rejoice in this, that your names are written in the book of life.”

If any man would alter the natural course of any water to run a contrary way, he shall never be able to do it with dams: for a time he may well stop it; but when the dam is full, it will either burst down the dam or overflow it, and so with more rage run than ever it did before. Even so, if any man would have the streams of his nature and will altered, to run after the will and nature of God, the same shall never be able to do it, nor all the world for him, by making of dams; that is, by telling and teaching us how that we should do, speak, and think otherwise than we do naturally. For a time the streams of our affections may be stopped by telling and teaching, and other bodily exercise; yet these very affections will weesel out now and then, and at length break down all our dams and devices, or else so overflow them that “the latter end will be worse than the beginning.” Therefore the alteration hereof must be at the head-spring by the making of other water ways, and rivers of incorruption for our will and our nature to run in.

But who can do this? The spring itself? Nay, God himself, and him alone, which worketh this in whom, when, and howsoever, it pleaseth him for his own good will’s sake. And they in whom he worketh this are his elect children “before the beginning of the world;” who may and should feel their election by loving the good and bating that which is evil, although in great imperfection: whereas the hypocrites have a thousand parts more shew of holiness, but in deed less love to God and hatred to evil, yea, in deed none at all as it is in God’s sight.

Wherefore let us pray for the daily increase of “regeneration,” which is nothing else but the alteration of our natural streams, that, as from Adam we have received them running naturally contrary to his will, so we may receive from Christ, the second Adam, his “good, Spirit” to draw and lead us in all things after the through-ways of his good will: which he grant to us for his mercy’s sake! Amen.

John Bradford was a fellow of Pembroke Hall, Cambridge, and was martyred in 1555.

Source

AUTHOR’S NOTE: The following is an excerpt containing adult language and sexual situations.  If you are under the age of eighteen-LEAVE NOW!

GET INTO THE SPIRIT, BABY

Nikki Cummings was sprawled across the bed, innocent of clothing other than her corset, stockings, and low boots. Beneath her body were ruby colored silk sheets with a distinct, yet tasteful paisley pattern.  Her long blonde hair was fanned out around her head like the halo of an angel.  Her tanned skin shone from the effects of natural sunlight. 

Her large breasts strained against the tight black and pink corset that pressed her them together, creating a deep ravine of cleavage.  The cups of the undergarment fell shy of containing the full bounty of her bosom.  Her breasts were thrust upward to spill out over the top, exposing twin firm mounds crowned with light pink finials.  Just below the hemline of the corset her flat abdomen lay like a smooth meadow.  Following the slight indentation of her belly button, that fertile plain narrowed towards the delta of her loins.  Like ferns growing beside a river her golden pubic hair curled.  Those small tangles of hair, like neatly manicured hedges under the expert watch of a patient and caring gardener, framed her exposed womanhood. 

     “Oh yes… Richard,” she moaned with pleasure as her long legs rustled over the scarlet satin sheets.  The man sitting beside her on the bed was wearing a lacy poet’s shirt, snug black tights, and similarly shaded knee-high, shiny riding boots.  His curly black hair fell to his shoulders and glistened in the bright candlelight of the boudoir.  One hand ran across her glorious flesh as the other clenched a riding crop.    He tapped the flexible leather tip of the crop against the side of his boot as he rolled Nikki’s right nipple around his index finger and thumb.

     “Ah, Nikki, you’re such a naughty girl,” he whispered to her as she thrashed upon his bed.  “To come to a man’s bedchamber so willingly is not proper for a woman.”

     “Ah but Richard,” she cooed playing, along with him.  “You aren’t a  proper gentleman, to bring such a foul, crude device to our bed.”  She pointed with one dainty finger at the leather crop in his hand.  He looked at it and laughed as he took her point.  He leaned down and covered his mouth with hers and they drank kisses from one another.  His free hand roamed over her mountainous globes, down the smooth, taut skin of her tummy, and twirled the curls surrounding her dew-moistened labia. 

     “Ah!” she cried out as he ran a finger down the length of the tiny wet cleft.  Her hips rolled deliciously as she reacted to his touch.  He slowly parted the tender folds and pushed a single digit into her musky warmth, drawing a gasp of joy from her pink painted lips.  A slow but steady blush of deepening red crept over her cheeks as he grew bolder with his hand. 

      “So willing, so ready,” he murmured softly as he eased a pair of fingers into her.

     “Yes!  Oh Richard, yes!” she sobbed out as her hips bucked in an effort to deepen his penetration.  He watched as her breasts lolled around the cups of the corset.  He felt her hand fall from the bed and land in his lap.  Without prompting she began to knead the ever-growing hardness that was springing from his loins.  He removed his sodden fingers and placed them into his mouth, savoring her salty sweet flavor.  He felt her hands dance around the outline of his erection as he kicked off one boot and then the other.  Placing the crop just beside her, he stood up, pulled his white shirt off and tossed it over his shoulder carelessly.  She rolled over and pulled his tights down around his knees with trembling fingers.  His penis fell out boldly and twitched as it dangled in the cool air of the bedroom.  He saw her move forward and place a reverent kiss upon the purpled head.

     “Aaah,” he moaned as she took greater liberties with his member.  Soon he was enveloped by her satiny lips and pulled deeply into the warm, wet confines of her mouth.  She rolled her tongue around his girth and ran her full lips down his quivering shaft.  Richard’s mouth fell open as the sensations overpowered him.  His fingers fluttered around her spread thighs and he finally managed to generate enough thought to slide back in the fingers he had so recently removed.  Nikki moaned around the fullness in her mouth, sending shockwaves of pure delight through Richard’s body.  He pumped his hips with the same rhythm he used to stroke her pussy. 

     “Wait,” he gasped and moved backwards, tugging his cock from her lips.  He pulled off his tights with some difficulty and moved onto the bed with her.  Placing his knees on either side of her head he leaned forward until his face was inches from her swollen cunt.  He nuzzled the hood that surrounded her clitoris, sending her into throes of passionate squirming.  He plunged his tongue deep within her tender, wet folds and lapped at the nectar that moistened it.  He felt her tentative lips touch his pulsing organ again and cried out loudly as she took him back into her mouth.  Her hands encircled his ass and pulled his hips downward until he was embedded so deeply that she gagged slightly.  He licked and kissed her pussy; they both drank at each other’s loins. 

     “No… I must have more,” he hoarsely stated and pulled himself away from her body and from the depths of her mouth. 

     “Take it all,” she breathed, with her breasts heaving over the corset.  “Take all of me!”

He rolled her over and pushed her thighs apart with his legs.  She fell to her hands and knees and looked over her shoulder with her face flushed with desire.  He quickly untied the knotted strings holding the corset together and it fell onto the bed just beneath her.  Richard pressed the tip of his shaft into her heated cleft, spreading her labia around the very end.

     “No! Don’t tease, Richard,” she cried out.  “Fuck me!  I want you to fuck me!”

Without a word he plunged into her, slapping his hips against her ass.  He grabbed onto her hips and used that leverage to thrust harder into her quivering, hot hole.  Her face fell to the sheets as she screamed with delight.  Her breasts swayed back and forth with each deep, rough invasion of his thick, hard cock.

     “Take it!  Take me all!” he roared as he grabbed hastily at the riding crop still lying beside her on the bed.  Taking it in his right hand he leaned back and began to smack her upturned cheeks.  Red marks began to grace the tan hue of her backside as Richard welted her buttocks with each stroke of his organ. 

     “Yes!  I’m a naughty girl!  Punish me!  Beat me, Richard!” she cried out.  Her pearl white teeth captured her lower lip as both pleasure and pain coursed through her body.  The blows began to fall upon her shoulders and the small of her back.  The snapping of the crop accompanied the sounds of his lusty groans and her occasional yelps of torment.  He dropped the crop and leaned forward.  Nikki pulled her head up from the mattress and drank his lips over her right shoulder.  Richard’s hips never ceased their movements as he bludgeoned her convulsing opening with his firm shaft. 

     “I’m going to cum,” he moaned as their kiss broke off.  His hips quivered, making his bare ass dance in a jerky motion.

     “Do it on my face!” she commanded him.  Richard pulled from her hot cunt and tried to stand upon the still moving bed.  He fell upon her and ejaculated all over her red striped back painting her flesh with his hot, thick seed.

     “S-shit!” he stuttered as the weakening jets of sperm pooled on her.

     “Cut!  Cut!” a man’s voice rang out angrily.  “What the fuck happened to the money shot, Dick?!”

     “Sorry Bob; I lost my footing,” the man apologized over his shoulder, as Nikki erupted into gales of laughter. 

     “And you call yourself a professional,” the man standing beside the camera scolded the porn actor.

     “Ease off, man,” Dick Rodman replied as a gaffer tossed him a white hand towel.  “I didn’t pace myself right… we’ll get it in the next take.”

As the man cleaned off his trembling member the gaffer tossed another towel to Nikki Cummings.  She caught it and began to mop up the warm sticky deposit that her co-star had left on her.

     “I guess we can print that one,” Bob Ziegler groaned.  “We can use some of the footage during the editing phase.”

     “And how was my performance?” Nikki coyly asked the adult film’s director.

     “Fabulous babe, absolutely fantastic,” he told her.  He turned around as she squealed with delight and rolled his eyes skyward. 

     “God I’m still horny,” she complained like a spoiled child as she stood up from the tangled sheets. 

     “Reign in your hungers, babe,” Bob told her as he took a cup of coffee from the Best Boy.  “If you get sated it will show up on film.  I don’t want a lackluster performance like we just had from Dick.”

     “I don’t know,” Nikki giggled.  “Dick wasn’t bad.”

     “Thanks, Nikki,” the male lead replied.  “Give me a second and I’ll see if I can rise to the occasion.”

This sentence evoked a collective groan out of the cast and crew.  Even in the porn industry it was a lame joke, unworthy of a man of Dick’s stature. 

Want the rest of the story?  Click on the link below and buy “Get Into the Spirit, Baby” from Dark Roast Press:

http://www.darkroastpress.com/spirit.php

Foreword:  This is the last installment on the series  from Modern Reformation, Nov./Dec. Vol. 5 No. 6 1996 issue. To see the complete list and full articles, go to ‘Categories’ from the sidebar and choose the section on The Life of A Justified Sinner. – EmmausTrekker

By Dr. Michael S. Horton

Everyone knows St. Augustine , that fourth-century giant, as the doctor of grace. To a large extent, the Reformation was simply a recovery of and improvement on Augustine’s system. Few quills have graced the subject of guilt and grace like the Bishop of Hippo’s. And yet, Augustine’s own conversion was not so much due to the guilt of his sins, as to their power. You see, Augustine had been a member of a heretical sect known for its immorality. The immediate point of contact for him was the indomitable tyranny of sin. Theologians have distinguished three aspects of sin: its guilt, its power, and its presence. The moment we place our confidence in Christ’s saving work, we are instantly justified, liberated from the condemnation which the guilt of our sins deserves. Further, because of the Holy Spirit’s regenerating work, we are not only given the faith to believe, resulting in our justification; we are also given the gift of repentance, resulting in a life of sanctification or growth in Christian maturity. And yet, we know the struggle of Romans 7 all too well. Though we are justified and are being sanctified, we are engaged in a war and will know no peace until we are finally delivered from the presence of sin altogether in the New Jerusalem.

Know The Enemy
The unholy trinity most often identified in Scripture is well-known to most of us: the world, the flesh, and the devil.

First, the world. Now, be careful with this one, because it is not the world per se that’s the problem, but the world as it has come to be shaped by the warped hands and minds of sinful human beings. As God created it, the world was a good place–”very good,” God said. The Creator placed Adam in the garden as the worldly custodian, to insure that all creation served and praised its glorious Maker. But we know the story: Adam and Eve failed God in this task and the entire creation was placed under a curse to bondage and decay. The second law of thermodynamics was one physical aspect of this curse. And yet, God did not leave it this way. In the very day on which God pronounced judgment, He also promised redemption (Gen. 3:15). From Eden , history unfolds in successive stages of redemptive acts pointing to the ultimate act of redemption in Christ’s self-sacrifice.

But we very often forget that the world itself was included in this promise of redemption. It wasn’t just for Christians that the “new creation” or the “new age” dawned. In Romans chapter eight, St. Paul informs us, “The whole creation is on tiptoe” waiting to see our redemption. “The world of creation cannot as yet see reality, not because it chooses to be blind, but because in God’s purpose it has been so limited–yet it has been given hope.” That’s right, even creation itself has been given the promise of redemption. “And the hope is that in the end the whole of created life will be rescued from the tyranny of change and decay, and have its share in that magnificent liberty which can only belong to the children of God!” ( Rom. 8:20-21, Phillips).

Therefore, the world has now become the theater of war. Just as Saddam Hussein’s invasion of Kuwait made that state the theater of conflict, so too Satan has invaded this world through the disobedience of our first parents. The world is our enemy, therefore, not in the sense that we are hostile to its culture, its music, its science, its art, its civic and social life–for we were created to participate in these activities. Rather, it is the world as dominated by alien forces hostile to the reign of Christ which presents some of our most urgent challenges.

This is why the Apostle warned, “Do not be conformed to this world’s pattern of thinking, but be transformed by the renewing of the mind” (Rom. 12:2). Hence, we “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5). Every method, belief, outlook, agenda, must become a POW of Jesus Christ. Our beliefs and attitudes must pass His inspection. Some years ago, the National Council of Churches, often railed against by evangelicals as liberal, made the remark that, “The world sets the church’s agenda.” But today, it is often evangelicals themselves who are taking in uncritically the popular trends and fashionable thoughts which make it difficult sometimes to discern where Christianity ends and pop culture begins.

If the conflict with the world is a war without, the conflict with the flesh is the war within. St. Paul makes it the subject of his seventh chapter of Romans. “We know,” he says, “that the Law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin.” At this point, Paul, the missionary to the Gentiles, does not experience the “victorious Christian life” so many Christians are promised these days. He feels like a POW in the battle with sin. One minute, in Romans six, we find him fighting and overthrowing attacking forces in hand-to-hand combat. The next, in Romans seven, he is a prisoner. This is the nature of the Christian life. This is the course of sanctification. What many Christians today regard as a “carnal Christian” is really either an unbeliever or, like the rest of us–a struggling saint. “For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out . . . When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am!” (vv. 21-24).

The difference between a Christian and a non-Christian is not, as is often suggested, that the former lives a “victorious life,” or that he “lives above all known sin.” Rather, it is that the Christian is at war within, while the non-Christian is not even aware of any conflict. The Christian houses two hostile forces. He is at once “justified and sinful,” pro-God and anti-God. And this war with oneself will never be resolved until we reach the Promised Land. As Alexander Whyte, the Presbyterian pastor of the previous century informed his congregation, “You will never leave Romans seven while I am your minister!”

The third enemy, archenemy, in this war, is the devil himself. Unlike the mystery religions surrounding the Jewish and early Christian cultures, biblical faith located evil in personal beings rather than impersonal forces. A revived collection of mystery religions, the New Age movement seeks to discover and manage these evil forces, but Christians know where evil comes from. It is the result of personal, active, willful rebellion by creatures brought into being as good creations by a good God.

In Revelation twelve, we read about a “war in heaven.” After our Lord ascends, war breaks out and Michael defeats Satan. The dragon is therefore expelled from heaven and is no longer given access to the court where his prosecution against Christians can be heard. And yet, “Woe to the earth and the sea, because the devil has gone down to you! He is filled with fury, because he knows that his time is short.” Thus, the theater of war moves from heaven to earth itself. Here, Satan prowls like a “roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” He deceives unbelievers with false teaching; he entices Christians with false promises, and though he knows his time is short, his hatred for Christ and His redeemed hosts drives him to assault. Though he cannot win the war, he is happy to win battles, making common cause with the world and the flesh.

Know The Weapons
“Put on the full armor of God,” Paul’s command in Ephesians chapter six, is well-known to many of us. First up is the “belt of truth.” Before anything else, we have to know what we believe and why we believe it if we are to withstand the world, the flesh, and the devil. Another metaphor might be that of roots reaching deep into the soil of Scripture. We must read Scripture not only for devotional purposes, but to understand in a profounder way the meaning of our faith. We ought to read great Christian classics instead of light and fluffy popular books. There is a war for our mind and truth is the place to start. As a belt, it holds our pants up in battle.

Second, the “breastplate of righteousness” is listed. According to the Cambridge Biblical Commentary, “Most likely, this refers not to the believer’s moral character, but describes God’s rescue operation in Christ, bringing the assurance that the Christian is right with God.” In other words, our protection in battle is the confidence that we are justified–that is, already declared righteous. Whenever Satan comes to tempt us, we hold up the cross. Whenever the flesh threatens to bring us back under the dominion of Adam, we remind ourselves of our union with the second Adam, Jesus Christ. Whenever the world tells us about self-esteem or self-confidence, or takes a short-cut around dealing with the real problem of guilt, we respond with this doctrine of justification.

Third, there are the “ready feet.” Once armed with truth and the knowledge of our justification in Christ, we are now ready to zealously act. This is of great importance. St. Paul refers in Romans to his legalistic friends as those who “have tremendous zeal for God, but not in accordance with knowledge.” This zealous ignorance was especially disastrous, he says, because what they failed to understand was essential to the gospel: “For not knowing about the righteousness of God which is by faith, they set out to establish their own righteousness.” Zeal must be led and directed by the truth and justification which have already been discussed. That being said, many of us are so content with the belt and the breastplate that we forget our shoes. Zeal without knowledge is misguided energy, but knowledge without zeal is a profound waste of good news.

Fourth, we have the “helmet of salvation.” What is important to note in all of this is that every weapon with which we have been provided is outside of us. In other words, whether it’s truth, or salvation, the weapons with which we fight the world, the flesh, and the devil are not inner resources. So much of the emphasis I see these days on “spiritual warfare” calls believers into themselves through spiritual exercises like “spiritual breathing” or other forms of subjective, mystical navel-gazing. But this is just what Satan’s strategy has been. In every pagan folk culture, mysticism dominates. Techniques are provided for dealing with the forces within. Sin becomes a matter not of personal rebellion as much as demonic conflict (such as Jimmy Swaggart’s insistence that he was fine now after Oral Roberts cast the demons off of the evangelist’s back), and the war becomes a “good force” vs. “bad force” nonsense. This is folk religion rather than Christian warfare and it certainly has nothing to do with Ephesians six.

One should also notice that the helmet of salvation is given at the beginning of the war, not the end. Salvation is never a carrot God dangles in front of us to keep us going, but is a declaration already made at the beginning of it all. What commander would send his forces into battle without a helmet, merely promising them one as a reward for their success? God gives us the “helmet of salvation” right from the start, not if we win, but so that we will win.

Know The Captain
Each of these weapons mentioned in Ephesians six is first listed in the Old Testament, particularly Isaiah 11. Of the Messiah it is promised, “Truth will be the sash around His waste.” “Righteousness will be His armor . . . His own arm worked salvation. He put on righteousness as a breastplate, He put on garments of vengeance and wrapped Himself in zeal as a cloak.” Further, He is even the shield and the helmet: “He is my shield behind whom I take refuge” (Ps. 144:1-2); “He will wear the helmet of salvation upon His head” (Is. 59:17). And He is the sword, known to John’s Gospel as “the Word of God.”

In all of our battles with the enemy, we reach for nothing that Christ has not already won for us. Even when we win a personal battle, it is because Christ has already fought and successfully won over His trials and temptations. In Christ, the war is already won, so the battles are real but the outcome is already known.

I hear someone saying, “Wait a second, even when you guys do talk about sanctification and the pursuit of godliness, you end up talking more about justification and ‘alien righteousness’ than practical steps of holiness.” That’s correct, and any method that does not do that is not Pauline, evangelical, or Reformational in any sense. Let me give an example of how genuinely practical this approach is even for godliness. In Shakespeare’s “MacBeth,” the witches’ prophecy that “no man born of a woman will conquer you” inspires MacBeth to fight even the dreaded MacDuff. In the heat of battle, MacBeth taunts his enemy with the prophecy and confidently wields his sword because of it. But then MacDuff informs the usurper that he was not, technically speaking, born of a woman, having been torn from his mother in her death. Just as soon as the news reaches MacBeth’s ears, the strength leaves him and he is immediately taken in battle.

Many Christians live defeated lives, not because they are failing to follow certain steps or are not living up to the “victorious Christian life” (whatever that is), but because they do not have the confidence that no one, not even Satan, can “lay any charge to God’s elect” (Rom. 8:32). In the heat of battle, the strength we have to keep on going is knowing that our Commander has already determined the outcome of the war by His victory. His ascension into heaven and the devil’s expulsion from the same guarantees that our skirmishes, serious as they certainly are, will nonetheless not bring us ultimate defeat. Knowing that already makes all the difference.

Conclusion
Having said all of that, I wonder if we really want to be rid of our sins. In Romans six, Paul cheers us on: “Do not let sin reign, therefore, in your mortal body.” In Romans seven, he is more sober, reflecting on his own personal struggle to “practice what he preached” in the previous chapter. In the eighth chapter, he goes on to encourage us that even though we lose battles here and there, “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (v. 1).

As believers, we live between those three poles–energetic zeal, struggle/failure, gospel. But I wonder if we take the first two poles as seriously as we really ought. Knowing that our salvation is sealed in the courts of eternity, do we eventually ignore the challenges of Romans six because of the failures of seven and the unconditional “no condemnation” in eight? I guess what I’m saying is: What do we have to lose? If we’re afraid of losing a battle, of being disappointed with a failure out on the field, we need only remember that our success or failure on the battlefield does not determine the outcome of the war. We can fight with confidence.

John Owen once said of Christ, “When He comes to war, he finds no quiet landing place. He can set His foot on no ground but that which He must fight for.” We will not grow without a fight, without sharing in His sufferings. Unlike justification, our sanctification is a lifelong struggle–so much for “let go and let God.” Small victories are prized; battles lost are soon forgotten, extracting lessons for the next. None of our enemies–the world, the flesh, or the devil, will simply move aside and put up a white flag. And yet, in our fighting we fail to hide our unrestrained anticipation prefigured in the arrival of Israel in the Promised Land: “Then the land had rest from war.”

Dr. Michael Horton is the chairman of the Council of the Alliance of Confessing Evangelicals, and is associate professor of historical theology at Westminster Theological Seminary in California . Dr. Horton is a graduate of Biola University (B.A.), Westminster Theological Seminary in California (M.A.R.) and Wycliffe Hall, Oxford (Ph.D.). Some of the books he has written or edited include Putting Amazing Back Into Grace, Beyond Culture Wars, Power Religion, In the Face of God, and We Believe.

Not the crusted shell

Not the moister flesh

I seek the pearl.

She began to take nude self portraits of herself when she was 23: she placed her old Zenit in a corner, got naked, put the clothes in front of her and took several pics. She didn’t know yet about lighting, so those photographs are not great… but they mean a lot to her because they are her first shots nude.

She grow up in a time & in a culture where nudity was a horrible sin, a shame, the ruin of the soul, Hell. She couldn’t live with that threaten, she had to free her soul from that claustrophobia, so she took those pics alone and promised herself that she would keep doing that all her life.

Months later, she attended a photographic course, and she met a really talented young lady who proposed her to take some wild shots of her. She never knew that she could look so dark, so dangerous, so unknown. Pure black & white paper prints reflecting her soul at that time.

When she got pregnant, she waited for the right time to take pictures of her body full of life. She has never developed them, she’s seen the tiny shots in the film, and they are beast. Maybe one day she’ll be back to the dark room and work on them. They scare her. They are not particulary wild, but enough for her & her feelings.

She obviously tried the experiment of taking nude pictures of her and her loves, but she gave up doing that because it was too painful for memory later on, she realized, she realized, she has never done it again, pictures can be neddles for emotions.

Her body changed. The camera changed to a digital one. No more paper prints, just images in the screen of a computer. The skin, the tits, the bottom, the belly, the legs, her arms… getting older, facing time. No shame, woman, do it as you promise your self. 35 years old, 37, 40… 41…

Are all these pics sex related? She is not quite sure, but society seems to be. To be really honest, she doesn’t know…

Is it exhibicionism? She is not sure either. She thinks it’s closer to curiosity.

As far as she knows, everybody fights somehow with their images of themselves nude. Everybody faces the mirrow. The images that the media sells us as the right nudity command us to fit our bodies to what’s in. I suppose that another reason she takes nude self portraits is because she wants to know her body over those other images & find her own beauty, her own uglyness, her own look. She must say that watching movies in which you can see Cuba women being proud of her bodies helped her a lot to be confident & fuck the standards. The most beautiful women in the world are in Cuba, everywhere, happy in their female bodies, pura sandunga.

I mean, it’s not the shape, it’s the light that you give to your presence on this earth, an inner joy of dwelling flesh.

She finds funny that her body has always taken the shape of her mother’s. She dedicates the picture below to the woman who gave her birth & invited her to life.

Unto the pure all things are pure; but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled. They profess that they know God; but in works they deny him: being abominable and disobedient, and unto every good work reprobate. Titus 1:15, 16.

ST. PAUL hath shown us that we must be ruled by the Word of God, and hold the commandments of men as vain and foolish; for holiness and perfection of life belongeth not to them. He condemneth some of their commandments, as when they forbid certain meats, and will not suffer us to use that liberty which God giveth the faithful. Those who troubled the church in St. Paul’s time, by setting forth such traditions, used the commandments of the law as a shield. These were but men’s inventions: because the temple was to be abolished at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Those in the church of Christ, who hold this superstition, to have certain meats forbidden, have not the authority of God, for it was against His mind and purpose that the Christian should be subject to such ceremonies.

To be short, St. Paul informs us in this place that in these days we have liberty to eat of all kinds of meat without exception. As for the health of the body, that is not here spoken of; but the matter here set forth is that men shall not set themselves up as masters, to make laws for us contrary to the Word of God. Seeing it is so, that God putteth no difference between meats, let us so use them; and never inquire what men like, or what they think good. Notwithstanding, we must use the benefits that God hath granted us, soberly and moderately. We must remember that God hath made meats for us, not that we should fill ourselves like swine, but that we should use them for the sustenance of life: therefore, let us content ourselves with this measure, which God hath shown us by His Word.

If we have not such a store of nourishment as we would wish, let us bear our poverty patiently, and practise the doctrine of St. Paul; and know as well how to bear poverty as riches. If our Lord give us more than we could have wished for, yet must we bridle our appetites. On the other side, if it please Him to cut off our morsel, and feed us but poorly, we must be content with it, and pray Him to give us patience when we have not what our appetites crave. To be short, we must have recourse to what is said in Romans 13, “But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof.” Let us content ourselves to have what we need, and that which God knoweth to be proper for us; thus shall all things be clean to us, if we be thus cleansed.

Yet it is true that although we were ever so unclean, the meats which God hath made are good; but the matter we have to consider is the use of them. When St. Paul saith all things are clean., he meaneth not that they are so of themselves, but as relateth to those that receive them; as we have noticed before, where he saith to Timothy, all things are sanctified to us by faith and giving of thanks. God hath filled the world with such abundance that we may marvel to see what a fatherly care He hath over us: for to what end or purpose are all the riches here on earth, only to show how liberal He is toward man!

If we know not that He is our Father, and acteth the part of a nurse toward us, if we receive not at His hand that which He giveth us, insomuch that when we eat, we are convinced that it is God that nourisheth us, He cannot be glorified as He deserveth; neither can we eat one morsel of bread without committing sacrilege; for which we must give an account. That we may lawfully enjoy these benefits, which have been bestowed upon us, we must be resolved upon this point (as I said before), that it is God that nourisheth and feedeth us.

This is the cleanness spoken of here by the apostle; when he saith, all things are clean, especially when we have such an uprightness in us that we despise not the benefits bestowed upon another, but crave our daily bread at the hand of God, being persuaded that we have no right to it, only to receive it as the mercy of God. Now let us see from whence this cleanness cometh. We shall not find it in ourselves, for it is given us by faith. St. Peter saith, the hearts of the old fathers were cleansed by this means; to wit, when God gave them faith Acts 15.

It is true that he here hath regard to the everlasting salvation; because we were utterly unclean until God made Himself known to us in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; who, being made our Redeemer, brought the price and ransom of our souls. But this doctrine may, and ought to be applied to what concerneth this present life; for until we know that, being adopted in Jesus Christ, we are God’s children, and consequently that the inheritance of this world is ours, if we touch one morsel of meat, we are thieves; for we are deprived of, and banished from all the blessings that God made, by reason of Adam’s sin until we get possession of them in our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, it is faith that must cleanse us. Then will all meats be clean to us: that is, we may use them freely without wavering. If men enjoin spiritual laws upon us, we need not observe them, being assured that such obedience cannot please God, for in so doing, we set up rulers to govern us, making them equal with God, who reserveth all power to Himself. Thus, the government of the soul must be kept safe and sound in the hands of God. Therefore, if we allow so much superiority to men that we suffer them to inwrap our souls with their own bands, we so much lessen and diminish the power and empire that God hath over us.

And thus the humbleness that we might have in obeying the traditions of men would be worse than all the rebellion in the world; because it is robbing God of His honor, and giving it, as a spoil, to mortal men. St. Paul speaketh of the superstition of some of the Jews, who would have men still observe the shadows and figures of the law; but the Holy Ghost hath pronounced a sentence which must be observed to the end of the world: that God hath not bound us at this day to such a burden as was borne by the old fathers; but hath cut off that part which He had commanded, relative to the abstaining from meats; for it was a law but for a season.

Seeing God hath thus set us at liberty, what rashness it is for worms of the earth to make new laws; as though God had not been wise enough. When we allege this to the papists, they answer that St. Paul spake of the Jews, and of meats that were forbidden by the law. This is true, but let us see whether this answer be to any purpose, or worth receiving. St. Paul not only saith that it is lawful for us to use that which was forbidden, but he speaketh in general terms, saying, all things are clean. Thus we see that God hath here given us liberty, concerning the use of meats; so that He will not hold us in subjection, as were the old fathers.

Therefore, seeing God hath abrogated that law which was made by Him, and will not have it in force any longer, what shall we think when we see men inventing traditions of their own; and not content themselves with what God hath shown them? In the first place, they still endeavor to hold the church of Christ under the restrictions of the Old Testament. But God will have us governed as men of years and discretion, which have no need of instruction suitable for children. They set up man’s devices, and say we must keep them under pain of deadly sin; whereas God will not have His own law to be observed among us at this day, relative to types and shadows, because it was all ended at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Shall it then be lawful to observe what men have framed in their own wisdom? Do we not see that it is a matter which goeth directly against God? St. Paul setteth himself against such deceivers: against such as would bind Christians to abstain from meats as God had commanded in His law. If a man say, it is but a small matter to abstain from flesh on Friday, or in Lent, let us consider whether it be a small matter to corrupt and bastardize the service of God! For surely those that go about to set forth and establish the tradition of men, set themselves against that which God hath appointed in His Word, and thus commit sacrilege.

Seeing God will be served with obedience, let us beware and keep ourselves within those bounds which God hath set; and not suffer men to add any thing to it of their own. There is something worse in it than all this: for they think it a service that deserveth something from God to abstain from eating flesh. They think it a great holiness: and thus the service of God, which should be spiritual, is banished, as it were, while men busy themselves about foolish trifles. As the common saying is, they leave the apple for the paring.

We must be faithful, and stand fast in our liberty; we must follow the rule which is given us in the Word of God, and not suffer our souls to be brought into slavery by new laws, forged by men. For it is a hellish tyranny, which lesseneth God’s authority and mixeth the truth of the gospel with figures of the law; and perverteth and corrupteth the true service of God, which ought to be spiritual. Therefore, let us consider how precious a privilege it is to give thanks to God with quietness of conscience, being assured it is His will and pleasure that we should enjoy His blessings: and that we may do so, let us not entangle ourselves with the superstitions of men, but be content with what is contained in the pure simplicity of the gospel. Then, as we have shown concerning the first part of our text, unto them that are pure, all things will be pure.

When we have received the Lord Jesus Christ, we know that we shall be cleansed from our filthiness and blemishes; for by His grace we are made partakers of God’s benefits, and are taken for His children, although there be nothing but vanity in us. “But unto them that are defiled and unbelieving, is nothing pure.” By this St. Paul meaneth that whatsoever proceedeth from those that are defiled and unbelieving is not acceptable to God but is full of infection. While they are unbelieving, they are foul and unclean; and while they have such filthiness in them, whatsoever they touch becomes polluted with their infamy.

Therefore, all the rules and laws they can make shall be nothing but vanity: for God disliketh whatsoever they do; yea, He utterly abhorreth it. Although men may torment themselves with ceremonies and outward performances, yet all these things are vain until they become upright in heart: for in this the true service of God commenceth. So long then as we are faithless, we are filthy before God. These things ought to be evident to us; but hypocrisy is so rooted within us that we are apt to neglect them. It will readily be confessed that we cannot please God by serving Him until our hearts be rid of wickedness.

God strove with the people of old time about the same doctrine; as we see especially in Haggai 2, where he asketh the priests, if a man touch a holy thing, whether he shall be made holy or not, the priests answered, no. On the contrary, if an unclean man touch a thing, whether it shall become unclean or no, the priests answered and said, it shall be unclean: so is this nation, saith the Lord, and so are the works of their hands. Now let us notice what is contained in the figures and shadows of the law. If an unclean man had handled any thing, it became unclean, and therefore must be cleansed. Our Lord saith, consider what ye be: for ye have nothing but uncleanness and filth; yet notwithstanding, ye would content Me with your sacrifices, offerings, and such like things. But He saith, as long as your minds are entangled with wicked lusts, as long as some of ye are whoremongers, adulterers, blasphemers, and perjurers, as long as ye are full of guile, cruelty, and spitefulness, your lives are utterly lawless, and full of all uncleanness; I cannot abide it, how fair soever it may seem before men.

We see then that all the services we can perform, until we are truly reformed in our hearts, are but mockeries; and God condemneth and rejecteth every whit of them. But who believeth these things to be so? When the wicked, who are taken in their wickedness, feel any remorse of conscience, they will endeavor by some means or other to compound with Cod by performing some ceremonies: they think it sufficient to satisfy the minds of men, believing that God ought likewise to be satisfied therewith. This is a custom which has prevailed in all ages.

It is not only in this text of the prophet Haggai that God rebuketh men for their hypocrisy, and for thinking that they may obtain His favor with trifles, but it was a continual strife which all the prophets had with the Jews. It is said in Isa. 1:13, 14, 15, “Bring no more vain oblations; incense is an abomination unto me; the new-moons and sabbaths, the calling of assemblies, I cannot away with: it is iniquity, even the solemn meeting, your new-moons and your appointed feasts my soul hateth: they are a trouble unto me; I am weary to bear them. And when ye spread forth your hands, I will hide mine eyes from you; yea, when ye make many prayers, I will not hear: your hands are full of blood.”

And again it is said, “Though ye offer me burnt offerings, and your meat-offerings, I will not accept them; neither will I regard the peace-offerings of your fat beasts” Amos 5:22. God here showeth us that the things which He Himself had commanded were filthy and unclean when they were observed and abused by hypocrites. Therefore, let us learn that when men serve God after their own fashion, they beguile and deceive themselves. It is said in another text of Isaiah, “Who hath required these things at your hands ?” Wherein it is made manifest that if we will have God approve our works, they must be according to His divine Word.

Thus we see what St. Paul’s meaning is when he saith there is nothing clean to them that are unclean. And why? For even their mind and conscience are defiled. By this he showeth (as I before observed) that until such times as we have learned to serve God aright, in a proper manner, we shall do no good at all by our own works; although we may flatter ourselves that they are of great importance, and by this means rock ourselves to sleep.

Let us now see what the traditions of popery are. The chief end of them are to make an agreement with God, by their works of supererogation, as they term them; that is, their surplus works; which are, when they do more than God commandeth them. According to their own notions, they discharge their duty towards Him and content Him with such payment as they render by their works, and thereof make their account. When they have fasted their saints evenings, when they have refrained from eating flesh upon Fridays, when they have attended mass devoutly, when they have taken holy water, they think that God ought not to demand any thing more of them and that there is nothing amiss in them.

But in the mean time, they cease not to indulge themselves in lewdness, whoredom, perjury, blasphemy, &c.: every one of them giving himself to those vices; yet notwithstanding, they think God ought to hold Himself well paid with the works they offer Him; as for example, when they have taken holy water, worshipped images, rambled from altar to altar, and other like things, they imagine that they have made sufficient payment and recompense for their sins. But we hear the doctrine of the Holy Ghost concerning such as are defiled; which is, there is nothing pure nor clean in all their doings.

But we will put ‘the case, by supposing that all the abominations of the papists were not evil in their own nature; yet notwithstanding, according to this doctrine of St. Paul, there can be nothing but uncleanness in them, for they themselves are sinful and unclean. The holiness of these men consists in gewgaws and trifles. They endeavor to serve God in the things that He doth not require, and at the same time leave undone things that He hath commanded in His law.

It has been the case in all ages that men have despised God’s law for the sake of their own traditions. Our Lord Jesus Christ upbraided the Pharisees, when He saith, “Why do ye also transgress the commandment of God by your tradition” Mat. 15:3. Thus it was in former times, in the days of the prophets. Isaiah crieth out, “Wherefore the Lord said, forasmuch as this people draw near me with their mouth, and with their lips do honor me, but have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men: therefore, behold, I will proceed to do a marvellous work and wonder; for the wisdom of their wise men shall perish, and the understanding of their prudent men shall be hid” Mat. 25:13. While men occupy themselves about traditions, they pass over the things that God hath commanded in His Word.

This it is that caused Isaiah to cry out against such as set forth men’s traditions; telling them plainly that God threatened to blind the wisest of them, because they turned away from the pure rule of His Word to follow their own foolish inventions. St. Paul likewise alludes to the same thing, when he saith they have no fear of God before their eyes. Let us not deceive ourselves; for we know that God requireth men to live uprightly, and to abstain from all violence, cruelty, malice, and deceit; that none of these things should appear in our life. But those that have no fear of God before their eyes, it is apparent that they are out of order, and that there is nothing but uncleanness in their whole life.

If we wish to know how our life should be regulated, let us examine the contents of the Word of God; for we cannot be sanctified by outward show and pomp, although they are so highly esteemed among men. We must call upon God in sincerity, and put our whole trust in Him; we must give up pride and presumption, and resort to Him with true lowliness of mind that we be not given to fleshly affections. We must endeavor to hold ourselves in awe, under subjection to God, and flee from gluttony, whoredom, excess, robbery, blasphemy, and other evils. Thus we see what God would have us do, in order to have our life well regulated.

When men would justify themselves by outward works, it is like covering a heap of filth with a clean linen cloth. Therefore, let us put away the filthiness that is hidden in our hearts; I say, let us drive the evil from us, and then the Lord will accept of our life: thus we may see wherein consists the true knowledge of God! When we understand this aright, it will lead us to live in obedience to His will. Men have not become so beastly, as to have no understanding that there is a God who created them. But this knowledge, if they do not submit to His requirements, serves as a condemnation to them: because their eyes are blindfolded by Satan; insomuch, that although the gospel may be preached to them, they do not understand it; in this situation we see many at the present day. How many there are in the world that have been taught by the doctrine of the gospel, and yet continue in brutish ignorance!

This happeneth because Satan hath so prepossessed the minds of men with wicked affections that although the light may shine ever so bright, they still remain blind, and see nothing at all. Let us learn, then, that the true knowledge of God is of such a nature that it showeth itself, and yieldeth fruit through our whole life. Therefore to know God, as St. Paul said to the Corinthians, we must be transformed into His image. For if we pretend to know Him, and in the meantime our life be loose and wicked, it needeth no witness to prove us liars; our own life beareth sufficient record that we are mockers and falsifiers, and that we abuse the name of God.

St. Paul saith in another place, if ye know Jesus Christ, ye must put off the old man: as if he should say, we cannot declare that we know Jesus Christ, only by acknowledging Him for our head, and by His receiving us as His members; which cannot be done until we have cast off the old man, and become new creatures. The world hath at all times abused God’s name wickedly, as it doth still at this day; therefore, let us have an eye to the true knowledge of the Word of God, whereof St. Paul speaketh.

Finally, let us not put our own works into the balance, and say they are good, and that we think well of them; but let us understand that the good works are those which God hath commanded in His law and that all we can do beside these, are nothing. Therefore, let us learn to shape our lives according to what God hath commanded: to put our trust in Him, to call upon Him, to give Him thanks, to bear patiently whatsoever it pleaseth Him to send us; to deal uprightly with our neighbors, and to live honestly before all men. These are the works which God requireth at our hands.

If we were not so perverse in our nature, there would be none of us but what might discern these things: even children would have skill enough to discern them. The works which God hath not commanded are but foolishness and an abomination: whereby God’s pure service is marred. If we wish to know what constitutes the good works spoken of by St. Paul, we must lay aside all the inventions of men, and simply follow the instructions contained in the Word of God; for we have no other rule than that which is given by Him; which is such as He will accept, when we yield up our accounts at the last day, when He alone shall be the judge of all mankind.

Now let us fall down before the face of our good God, acknowledging our faults, praying Him to make us perceive them more clearly: and to give us such trust in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ that we may come to Him and be assured of the forgiveness of our sins; and that He will make us partakers of sound faith, whereby all our filthiness may be washed away.

— John Calvin

ALL UNANNOUNCED AND MOSTLY UNDETECTED there has come in modern times a new cross into popular evangelical circles. It is like the old cross, but different: the likenesses are superficial; the differences, fundamental.

From this new cross has sprung a new philosophy of the Christian life, and from that new philosophy has come a new evangelical technique-a new type of meeting and a new kind of preaching. This new evangelism employs the same language as the old, but its content is not the same and its emphasis not as before.

The old cross would have no truck with the world. For Adam’s proud flesh it meant the end of the journey. It carried into effect the sentence imposed by the law of Sinai. The new cross is not opposed to the human race; rather, it is a friendly pal and, if understood aright, it is the source of oceans of good clean fun and innocent enjoyment. It lets Adam live without interference. His life motivation is unchanged; he still lives for his own pleasure, only now he takes delight in singing choruses and watching religious movies instead of singing bawdy songs and drinking hard liquor. The accent is still on enjoyment, though the fun is now on a higher plane morally if not intellectually.

The new cross encourages a new and entirely different evangelistic approach. The evangelist does not demand abnegation of the old life before a new life can be received. He preaches not contrasts but similarities. He seeks to key into public interest by showing that Christianity makes no unpleasant demands; rather, it offers the same thing the world does, only on a higher level. Whatever the sin-mad world happens to be clamoring after at the moment is cleverly shown to be the very thing the gospel offers, only the religious product is better.

The new cross does not slay the sinner, it redirects him. It gears him into a cleaner and jollier way of living and saves his self-respect. To the self-assertive it says, “Come and assert yourself for Christ.” To the egotist it says, “Come and do your boasting in the Lord.” To the thrill seeker it says, “Come and enjoy the thrill of Christian fellowship.” The Christian message is slanted in the direction of the current vogue in order to make it acceptable to the public.

The philosophy back of this kind of thing may be sincere but its sincerity does not save it from being false. It is false because it is blind. It misses completely the whole meaning of the cross.

The old cross is a symbol of death. It stands for the abrupt, violent end of a human being. The man in Roman times who took up his cross and started down the road had already said good-by to his friends. He was not coming back. He was going out to have it ended. The cross made no compromise, modified nothing, spared nothing; it slew all of the man, completely and for good. It did not try to keep on good terms with its victim. It struck cruel and hard, and when it had finished its work, the man was no more.

The race of Adam is under death sentence. There is no commutation and no escape. God cannot approve any of the fruits of sin, however innocent they may appear or beautiful to the eyes of men. God salvages the individual by liquidating him and then raising him again to newness of life.

That evangelism which draws friendly parallels between the ways of God and the ways of men is false to the Bible and cruel to the souls of its hearers. The faith of Christ does not parallel the world, it intersects it. In coming to Christ we do not bring our old life up onto a higher plane; we leave it at the cross. The corn of wheat must fall into the ground and die.

We who preach the gospel must not think of ourselves as public relations agents sent to establish good will between Christ and the world. We must not imagine ourselves commissioned to make Christ acceptable to big business, the press, the world of sports or modern education. We are not diplomats but prophets, and our message is not a compromise but an ultimatum.

God offers life, but not an improved old life. The life He offers is life out of death. It stands always on the far side of the cross. Whoever would possess it must pass under the rod. He must repudiate himself and concur in God’s just sentence against him.

What does this mean to the individual, the condemned man who would find life in Christ Jesus? How can this theology be translated into life? Simply, he must repent and believe. He must forsake his sins and then go on to forsake himself. Let him cover nothing, defend nothing, excuse nothing. Let him not seek to make terms with God, but let him bow his head before the stroke of God’s stern displeasure and acknowledge himself worthy to die.

Having done this let him gaze with simple trust upon the risen Saviour, and from Him will come life and rebirth and cleansing and power. The cross that ended the earthly life of Jesus now puts an end to the sinner; and the power that raised Christ from the dead now raises him to a new life along with Christ.

To any who may object to this or count it merely a narrow and private view of truth, let me say God has set His hallmark of approval upon this message from Paul’s day to the present. Whether stated in these exact words or not, this has been the content of all preaching that has brought life and power to the world through the centuries. The mystics, the reformers, the revivalists have put their emphasis here, and signs and wonders and mighty operations of the Holy Ghost gave witness to God’s approval.

Dare we, the heirs of such a legacy of power, tamper with the truth? Dare we with our stubby pencils erase the lines of the blueprint or alter the pattern shown us in the Mount? May God forbid. Let us preach the old cross and we will know the old power. (A. W. Tozer, Man, the Dwelling Place of God, 1966)

Hey Everyone,

Long time, no blog. It’s been a while, but I really want to continue blogging. I am currently on my break, and I will be for another 3 weeks. I probably won’t have much news to report while I am still at home, but I hope to start making artwork as soon as I get back to school.

Anyway, now that I am home, I have had time to organize myself a little more, and I have all of my documented work from France on my computer. Therefore, I feel the need to post some proper images on the internet! So…here are some that I have not yet show, first from my LANDSCAPE class with Jay Stuckey.

I still have the first two paintings–I brought them back to Massachusetts with me. The River is the painting that I hung in the final art show, and after it was in the gallery for the weekend, it consequently found itself a new home in the restaurant of a woman who truly loves it. So if you want to see this painting, go to La Campagna, a restaurant in Pont-Aven, France!

Dear God,

I thought that growing older, meant that wisdom was an assumed perk. As I age each year, I try to reflect upon my past, and strive to never make the same mistakes twice. It is with certainty, that I can confess that this is not always the case in my life. However, Your holy word confirms that You understand our human condition. You lived it, just as we do, and, You allow for our free will to make mistakes and learn form that behavior. While Your life remained sinless, we have the examples of how to defeat sin and overcome our afflictions.

In my morning devotions today, You brought me to I Corinthians 2:9. This chapter of the bible is informative and instructional.  In verse 6 we read, “We do, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. Verse 7, “No, we speak of God’s secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. Verse 8, “None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory.” However as it is written–

   “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him”—-

God,You have revealed this to us through Your Spirit, who searches all things, even the deep things of God. Verse 11, “For who among men know the thoughts of a man except the man’s spirit within him”? In the same way, no man knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.

God, our foolishness is the result of non-communication with You. For it is Your love that allows our physical body to breathe and our hearts to beat. Your wisdom is far greater than anything that mere man could conceive. We do have the ability to learn, to enhance our minds, to grow in the wisdom that You provide to us. Each day I want to grow and learn more about You, Your word, and the knowledge that will come when I trust my days to the Savior who supplies my daily needs.

It was King Solomon who had all of the physical amenities that we on earth can enjoy.  In I Kings 4:29 we can read this. “God gave Solomon wisdom and very great insight, and a breadth of understanding as measureless as the sand on the seashore. Verse 30 says that, “Solomon’s wisdom was greater than the wisdom of all of the men of the East, and greater than all the wisdom of Egypt. He was wiser than any other man.” But, even he knew that this was not enough to make his life complete. We were designed to crave more than food, flesh, finance, and fortunes. We were designed to envelope the wisdom of the ages. I do not believe that the stories from the bible, and the detailed lives of those whose faith, and failures were recorded for posterity, were only for Christians to have faith. I belive that they are there as an instruction manual for the wisdom. If we seek Your face, and we attempt to overcome the temptations that plague us, then we must learn from those in our past. Those who denied You, and the consequences that followed them. But, also, for the great heroes that give encouragement and joy to everyone.

Psalm 111:10, “The fear of the Lord is he beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise.” In Proverbs I have learned the epilogue of how to become a wife of nobel character. In Proverbs 31:26 You tell us, “She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.” I pray diligently that the words I speak will be thoughtful with the wisdom that reflects a woman of noble character.

Even Mary and Joseph had the responsibility of instructing their righteous Son. Luke 2:52, And Jesus grew in wisdom and in stature, and in favor with God and men. This tells us that if we grow in wisdom, then we are growing in our relationships with man, and that brings favor to You, God.  In James we learn of the trials and temptations that will occur in man’s life. James 1:5 answers our question of what to do if we lack this quality. “If any of you lack wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But, when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.”

I want to walk in faith, not by sight, I want to learn all that You would have me to gain in spiritual knowledge. I ask for strength to accept that wisdom and insight do not always bring joy, but it does bring with it, the assurance that Your will is being accomplished. If we pray asking that our decisions be made with the wisdom of the King, then we will have the full assurance that we are learning immeasurable lessons for a lifetime.

Desiring the Wisdom of the Ages-that comes from Christ our Lord,

Gina

I glanced around the pool at my classmates, gauging the athletic prowess and likely endurance of each.  I’d be fine — if these guys can do it, I can do it.  I was a freshman at Auburn University, enrolled in my first life-guarding class. The requirement was that we swim 500 meters in under 10 minutes.  I grew up swimming in everything from pools and rivers to the Gulf of Mexico to church baptistries.  I wasn’t worried a bit… until I heard these three words: freestyle, breaststroke, and sidestroke.  I glanced at my classmates once again, this time to see if any of THEM had confused looks on their faces.  None did.  I had no idea how to swim those strokes — I only knew of two ways to swim: on top of water and under water.  Up until this course, every time I had swam, it had been in order to get from one side of the river to the other, from the boat to the bank, or from a pool of angry alligators to safety.  No one ever taught me HOW to swim — and especially not three different hows.

If it had not been for a guy named Chris Wilbeck, I probably would have failed my first college course (not my only, mind you, but my first).  Worse than failing, though, I would have thoroughly embarrassed myself in front of all those classmates I’d glanced at on numerous occasions.  I had asked around a little about these various strokes, and several friends tried to explain in words how my legs, arms, face, and head should be interacting with one another when swimming properly.  You can guess how effective that was. Others had attempted to “air swim” for me, but I just couldn’t visualize well their actions in water.  And these were knowledgeable swimmers we’re talking about, some of them competitive at the state level in high school.  I was completely lost as to what to do.  The night before the big swim test, my best idea was to swim really slowly in the beginning, in order to watch others, and then try to emulate their moves.  [The internet was not then nearly what it is now, though I don’t know if a blog or youtube video would have helped me at this juncture...]

That’s when Chris Wilbeck stepped in.  Chris offered to meet me at the pool the next morning before our 8:00 class, in order to teach me how to swim.  He demonstrated each stroke for me, and after a half-hour I felt comfortable enough to shower and take the test later that day.  I passed… though it was not pretty.

Chris Wilbeck a Type of Christ

There is a life which God desires for us — an obedient life, one in which we act in keeping with his very character.  Laws were given under the old covenant, and when followed, Israel would be seen by other nations who would, in turn, glorify God.  In essence, Israel was supposed to look like their God, behave as he would behave, and even share his attributes.  And they were given laws… “air swimming” if you will — with no real idea what it would like like in water.

And then Jesus arrived on the scene, in human flesh, to show us what God looks like.  From that point on, men have been able to know God, and have seen him.  In fact, anyone who has seen Jesus has seen the Father (Jn 14:7,9).  Because “in Christ, all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form” (Col 2:9).  Jesus came to model for us perfection, demonstrating life as it was intended.  He showed us a life free of sin (2 Cor 5:21; 1 Pet 2:21-22) and a life of doing the Father’s will (Jn 6:38).

And Jesus didn’t come to abolish those laws given under the old covenant, but rather to fulfill them (Mt 5:17).  He explained and demonstrated more clearly the desires of the Father.  He didn’t “raise the bar” for us, as much as he gave us a more clear explanation of what life in the kingdom would look like.  He described what God had desired of his people all along.  It wasn’t that God drew the Old Testament line at murder, and in the New Testament decided to redraw it at anger; God had desired all men for all time not to hate one another.  And Jesus, in flesh, put all this together for us.

This explains why Jesus gave a “new” command in John 13:34: “Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”  To love one another wasn’t a new command.  But the highest manifestation of love, prior to Jesus’ coming in the flesh, was the love we could have for ourselves (hence, “love your neighbor as yourself”).  Only now, after seeing God in the flesh, can we truly understand love — and in Jesus we find both message and messenger.  He is both the perfect demonstration of this higher love and the individual who explains to us it’s what the Father had in mind all along.  Jesus Christ is the complete embodiment of the Father in the flesh, and he calls us to know that Father through him.  He is both the savior and he who invites us to be saved.

Praise be to God for coming in the flesh to call us to abundant life, and to demonstrate that life for us.

Urgh I had a very strange dream last night, it was just like a movie…

It was about some diabolic sado-masochistic underground sect, that made rituals to Satan by making bloodsacrifices, along side sexual orgies and other weird stuff…
Then along comes this weird, fat, computer-geek looking middleaged guy who wishes to partake in a sexually oriented activity, I remember specifically how he said “ I want to feel myself wriggle through flesh and blood, as if being born again…“
The leader of this sect, said that to make this happen, they would need to collect a great deal of sacrifices, and so they send out lackeys to gather innocents to kill.
Among those sent out to find people, is the fat-nerd who unluckily falls in love with a woman whom he must collect… But aroused by her, he kidnaps her for himeself, takes her back to his own place and performs cruel and inhuman torture on her, for the sake of his “love to her“

I think from there on my dream was over, or just my memory fails me…

It was quite creepy, I dont like dreaming about torture and things like that, especially when through the eyes of such a disgusting being like that fat-nerd…

This dream had a strange, subtle resemblence to the book “The Collector” which I read last year in English class.
A very, very good book indeed; about a man who is secretly in love with a young girl, admiring her from afar, he plots a plan to ‘collect’ her and force her into loving him.
He kidnaps her back to a small cottage he has bought and renovated, keeping her in the cellar.
But he doesnt harm her, he just ‘keeps’ her and tries to connect with her through mild gestures and so forth, but seeing as she considers him to be a psycho, all that happens between them is purely trick and treat,over and over she tries to escape, they have ups and downs etcuntil all accumilates into insanity and a very exciting, sad ending twist
-But then again, it is an extremely well written and incredible story!
What I enjoyed alot was to see how the characters develope, and also how the author has chosen to tell the story through their points of view, half of the book is through the man, and the rest through the girls.
It really gives perspective on how one another thinks, reacts and appear to the opposite person.

I recommend you read THE COLLECTOR, very strongly.

But remember…sado-masochism, diabolism and all that = BAD!

At first they swam in.

The memories.

In films and anecdotes consciousness comes in a hit; one second blackness, the next you’re wide-eyed in bed with sterile women and masked men crowding round like mechanics.

For me it was vague. Splashy. Like a rock pool with waves that sometimes trickle in and sometimes gush out, but seem to do so independent of the rest of the coastline.

A tiny, erratic microcosm.

A lot of it was dark, I remember that much. Even when I could open my eyes the world seemed… dark. Visitors were distorted; all of them hunched over me, nose and eyes looming uncomfortably close, the occasional acrid breath making it through the oxygen mask. My inability to shoo them away, their talking of me in the third person. Assuming I slept.

The only constant was the machines. The hum of the lights (the lights they never turned off) and the beep of the monitors, punctuated regularly with peels of laughter from nurses or guttural shouts from disoriented, half-formed patients like myself.

I’d never before felt so alienated from my body. So anchored to my bones; closed in by flesh. So shut in with thoughts and pain. Occasionally I’d feel tears run down my cheek and eventually dry, occasionally something similar from the corner of my mouth. At times I was cold, at others hot; rarely comfortable.

Eventually I floated away from the senses. They were like an ocean tide; drifting out when I tried to get near, rushing in when I ran away.

I’m not sure how long it was; without windows or ‘lights-out’ there was no night, no day. I think there may have been a clock, but if so it was above and behind me, a theoretical space where nurses would occasionally glance. Far beyond reach. There was never a lull in the activity surrounding me. Never a break.

I’m not sure how long it was, but eventually I was aware of a particular visitor. One I didn’t recognise. He seemed to be there always, at my side; grinning like an idiot when I could see, talking loudly when I could hear, and staring silently when he didn’t know I watched. Like a lost child trying to be polite. Expressionless. His breath heavy.

I grew to detest this stranger. The oaf who talked to doctors as if my friend, feigned affection and care, savoured each new affliction and talked with bare disguised enthusiasm of every ‘bad day’ to any who dared attend.

God knows what I looked like to them.

I thought I caught sight of myself in a doctor’s glasses once, as he leaned in to check on my skin. The thing I saw there was swollen, like a beating heart. Unfamiliar. Inhuman and raw.

I kept my eyes shut round doctors after that.

I’d made attempts before at questioning him, the childish stranger, and at enquiring of the nurses who he was or claimed to be. Talking was tiring and disheartening; my mouth refusing to obey, the words getting lost on the trip to the tongue and strange, bubbling animal noise jerking awkwardly out in its place. The scared, confused look as the listener froze and tried to decipher without causing offense was not encouraging.

Soon enough he was never gone. He was one of the machines by now, his too-loud chatter, brash and thick, as rhythmic and reliable as the monitor beep and the lighting hum.

What visitors I had who’d not grown bored (their visits shrunk to ‘popping in’, from once a week to never) no longer even mimicked conversation, preferred to chat with him. My doctors talked to no one else, and when it came to comfort my nurses deferred to the strangers judgement.

His eyes lit up like windows in the night when consultants said I’d worsened. His face was sad, his nods and folded arms all stock grief and concern, but his eyes… his eyes lit up.

When alone he didn’t even try to hide his excitement. Didn’t even worry whether I saw, as he fiddled with the medication. Unhooking drips and swapping round tubes.

The tide rushes out and it’s dark.

Just the hum of the lights, just the beep of the monitor.

Just the strangers heavy breath remains.

The stranger that calls me his dad.