In the world of motorcycling I am a rookie. I never got the chance to ride dirtbikes as a kid, I’ve never watched a motorcycle race and the first time I ever rode a bike was when I was getting my learners permit.

But is it really too late for me to become one of those awesome biker guys I see on TV, like Fonzie? You can only start riding on the road legally at eighteen, I’m twenty-three now – how hardcore can one get in five years?

I was lucky enough to speak with Josh ‘Bad Boy’ Brookes recently, controversial British Superbikes star (you can watch a video about his first big break here), and I convinced him to give me a crash course in bluffing my way through conversation with other motorcyclists.

“The first thing I’d do would be ask you about your bike. You’ve got to know a bit about it. The coolest thing to ride is a sportsbike like a Honda CBR1000RR, a Yamaha R1, Suzuki GSXR1000 or a Kawasaki ZX10.”

Are there any bikes that aren’t cool? Would you think less of me if I was riding a cruiser?

“I hate people that ride BMW’s, that’s really fruity. It’s always the weird old guys wearing black pedophile leather. You need racing leather with patches to look cool.”

“Cruisers are for older guys, that just want to have fun and don’t care about things like acceleration and stopping. You could probably get away with a cruiser if it was a Harley and you were playing the rebel card, or maybe with the new Honda Fury – that’s pretty outlawish. But don’t go near a Triumph, they’re for older guys and you’ll look like a wanker.”

“Whatever floats your boat really, but at the end of the day if you want to be cool you’ll be riding a sportsbike and wearing racing leathers.”

Assuming I lie through my teeth and say I’m riding a 1000cc sportsbike, where do we go from here?

“Next I’d ask you where you ride, just to suss you out. If you’re in Sydney you’d be riding on Putty road, or the Bells line of road. They’re the best spots. If you’re in Wollongong, like me, you’d be riding around Mount Kemblar. It’s great, a really twisty road through rainforest. I don’t really know Melbourne that well.”

Anything else that would give credibility as a motorcyclist?

“Yeah, you need to hate cops. Just seeing a police car should cripple you with paranoia. If you’re riding a 1000cc motorcycle you’ll find yourself speeding, it’s something you just can’t help.”

“It just feels really natural to get enjoyment from your bike, you want to feel the acceleration and enjoyment. If you sneeze on on a powerful bike you’ll find yourself doing 200kph, you’ve got to be careful.”

“I’m not saying to go out and be a dickhead, and there’s too many idiots splitting traffic at high speeds, but every motorbike guy will have a stretch of country road where he’ll open it up a bit.”

“The funny thing is, a lot of other motorcycle racers don’t ride on the street. A lot of them start out on the track at a young age, and never really develop that drive for an outlet on the road. They don’t miss going fast on the road, they’ve already got it out of their system. I ride on the road though, I love it.”

What about girls? Is it ok to use motorcycling as a tool to impress girls?

“Definately. You do a lot of things in life to impress people, girls being the most important group. Being a motorcyclist is pretty cool way to meet girls.”

“It’s too awkward to take girls to movies or restaurants. It’s always late and they feel pressured to hang out afterward or go home with you. There’s always that ‘what happens afterwards?’ thing going on.”

What’s easier is asking them to come out for a ride with you on a Saturday. It’s the middle of the day, you don’t have to talk, they’re holding on to you, it sounds a bit dangerous.”

That’s all been really helpful, but I don’t have the money to buy a sportsbike. Do you have any tips for me to look cool when I’m riding my postie bike?”

“No.”

Thanks Josh.

Bueno, ahora se aproximan muchos cambios en mi vida, aunque de todas formas llevo ya unos mesecitos que he cambiado de casa, de ordenador, de móvil… Pero bueno, ahora todos los cambios son más importantes, y además, no sé qué pasa, que ya no tengo la misma ilusión por escribir que tenía antes, así que por todo esto creo que iré cerrando la temporada, hasta el año que viene (aunque puede que haga alguna entrada nueva este año si tengo algo interesante que contar)…

Además, no sé, las últimas entradas que estoy haciendo no me terminan de convecer, y además, las audiencias muestran que las que mejor funcionan son las clásicas, siendo la líder indiscutible Capítulo IV: Arthur Fonzarelli “The Fonz” in “Happy Days”, algo que demuestra un gran interés de la gente por esta serie…

Así que, a modo de cierre aquí os dejo una perlita, “Vincent” el primer corto de Tim Burton, que son 5 minutos de Tim Burton en estado puro…

Y recordad:

“Anyway,

it’s looking like a beautiful day”

Venerdì sera all’insegna dell’amarcord, con il consueto appuntamento di Carlo Conti e “I migliori anni”. Star della serata, Henry Winkler, il mitico Fonzie della serie “Happy Days” e la nostrana Milva. Dal bar di “Arnold’s” alla filanda, bevendo champagne, in compagnia di Peppino Di Capri. Gli anni ottanta, torneranno prepotentemente con i successi di Tracy Spencer e  Sabrina Salerno, mentre le più “romantiche” potranno contare sul sempreverde Tony Dallara. Ritorna in veste di ospite, dopo essere stato nelle prime due edizioni il comico-disturbatore, Nino Frassica. Spazio anche al regista ed autore Jocelyn, ad Antoine, F.R. David, Carlotta, il trio Bungaro, Conidi e Di Bella. Ciliegina sulla torta, la sempre bella Elisabetta Viviani, interprete della sigla del cartone animato “Heidi”. Anche questa settimana i quattro decenni in gara saranno rappresentati dalle bellissime Sara Facciolini, Roberta Morise, Elena Ossola e Angela Tuccia, e giudicati dalla speciale giuria, composta da cento diciottenni.

via iDi@s

Spoofing a viral video that's already forgotten 3 months later.

My greatest fear right now is that we may have just witnessed the exact moment The Office jumped the shark.

The wedding aisle dance.

I’m not saying this is definitely IT, because of course I can’t predict the future quality of the show. But it’s a benchmark. It’s definitely…something.

(sidenote: Can you believe the “JK wedding dance” video debuted on July 19, less than 3 months ago? The web has completely distorted my perception of time when it comes to events. I initially wrote that this video came out last year, January at the latest. Boy, was I ever wrong! [enthusiastic kazoo sound])

I get the intention of the bit. It was supposed to be bad, meant to be a horribly uncool choice by Jim’s idiot brothers that is embraced by all the horribly uncool guest list. An act of kitsch that Jim and Pam would abhor, thus they are supposed to realize that not only are they powerless to stop it thus should just give in and enjoy it, but that it comes from a place of love from their friends and family.

Yeah, I get it.

Or maybe that they realize they did in fact try to micromanage their nuptials too much? But I’m not convinced that the writers on the show do think Jim and Pam were acting like wedding douches so that one doesn’t hold as much weight for me.

Whatever, enough trying to explain or defend it.

For the record, I found many parts of the episode to be funny (see below). It’s just that the wedding aisle dance, and the entire cliche device of Jim and Pam running off to have their own ceremony, on their own terms, while blissfully, incredibly, uber-romantically happy…represents, for me, the apex of the growing trend of niceness on a show that used to run so efficiently on cruelty.

If this had been an exception to the standard of awkwardness, then it would have been a nice surprise. But there’s been so frickin’ many of those moments over the past couple seasons that I just wanted to boot my TV into a half-empty swimming pool full of decapitated action figures and drowned Frasier-lovers.

Even so, I still love the show and will give it a chance; I’m not condemning it to sitcom hell or anything. There’s already places down in that fiery pit reserved for Two and a Half Men, The Big Bang Theory and the new Jenna Elfman sitcom that is about three weeks in and could be the worst piece of abortion shite in the history of the medium (and shall remain nameless because it’s not worth the 30 seconds of my time it would take to look it up; Definitely, Maybe? The Happening?). So TV Hades is crowded down there, and The Office will run at least 4 more seasons, unless Steve Carell decides to leave (although I could see them continuing the show without him). And there’s still a lot of funny stuff left in there.

But…I mean…just…grrr…c’monnnnn…

Click. Cliche-meter activated.

Mental picture taking? Really?

Is anyone else boiling with rage that their favorite sitcom has been hijacked by the Today Show?

Okay, it wasn’t ALL bad. There were funny moments…here’s my favs…

"To waiting."

Not on the registry.

Yeah, let's just order room service.

And sure, it’s tough to sustain the funny over two episodes shown back to back. But did we really need to open on a vomitorium?

Didn't need to *airquotes*go there*/airquotes* did we?

My problem with this cold open was two fold…

1) I was eating a delicious tofutti cutie at the time.

Do not eat while watching barf-fest 2009.

2) It justified Pam’s riDICKulous request of her workmates that they cut down on perfume and adjust their eating habits because of her queasy pregnant stomach. Based on the TV writers that I’ve met (an egotistical, pretentious lot if ever there was one; at least the ones under 50 who haven’t yet experienced a nice humbling 2-5 year unemployment stint once their show, and style, “goes away” as they say), I’m willing to bet that The Office writers are frighteningly close to Pam and Jim in their belief that they are the first people ever to get pregnant and get married (in that order, because no one in Hollywood, real or fictional, knows how to use birth control).

Enough barfing. Mine and the show’s. I’ll end on a good note; I thought this little moment was hilarious…

"See you in Viagra fallllls."

I love the voice.

And I’ll be there next week. The steam should have stopped bursting from my ears by then.

reporting from a delightful cottage in scenic Niagara Falls,

-Dan Calvisi
Dan’s Scriptomatic Cinematic Telematic in 3D!

Viewers were promised in Barack Obama the easy cool of Denzel Washington, the sincerity of Tom Hanks and the heart of Oprah. Instead, they see on their screens Al Bundy with a tan, pecs, and Harvard Law degree, the first jump-the-shark president.

Bueno, ha llegado el momento de rendir tributo a un personaje histórico de la televisión, que sin embargo, es muy poco conocido en España debido a que nunca se llegó a emitir aquí esta mítica serie…

Arthur Fonzarelli, "The Fonz" o simplemente "Fonzie"

Toda la base de esta investigación la realizó -Al-, en su blog, en la entrada “Conoce al Fonz”, a raíz de un capítulo de Padre de Familia donde fundan la Iglesia del Fonz, que a mí me hacía gracia porque a mí hace tiempo que me llamaban Fons, sin saber de la existencia de este personaje.

Además,  también han habido muchas referencias a él en series como “That 70’s Show”, y sobre todo en los Simpson, incluso algunas donde no lo tradujeron correctamente, como en el capítulo en el que Homer se queda encargado del bar de Moe e intenta encender la Juke Box con un golpe, haciendo el famoso gesto de “Hey!” del Fonz, aunque en el doblaje dice que le hace falta “un golpe karateka”…

Comencemos por el principio, en los 70’s se comenzó a emitir en EEUU una serie de televisión ambientada en los años 50, llamada “Happy Days”, que tuvo un gran éxito. Estaba protagonizada por Ron Howard (ese pelirrojo director de cine que ha aparecido varias veces en los Simpson), que hacía de niño en una típica familia americana.

Aquí vemos la cabecera de la primera temporada, que no tenía su característica música, y posteriormente de las temporadas intermedias, ya que esta serie fue un éxito durante 11 temporadas.

Sin embargo, durante el desarrollo de la serie apareció un personaje secundario, llamado Arthur Fonzarelli, o Fonzie, (interpretado por Henry Winkler) que poco a poco se fue ganando al público y convirtiéndose en protagonista indiscutible, como muestra la cabecera de la última temporada.

Éste personaje era famoso por su chupa de cuero, que no se quitaba ni en la playa, por su moto, por su peinado, e incluso por ser capaz de encender la JukeBox con un golpe…

Pero sobre todo será recordado por el mítico episodio donde salta el tiburón…

Y con esto creo que ya he completado mi pequeño homenaje a esta leyenda de la televisión, tan poco conocida en España…

Si queréis más información, internet está llena de páginas dedicadas a esta serie…

Así que ya sabéis… ¡Jump the shark!… and may the Fonz be with you…

Un nuovo, avvincente fotoromanzo ci illustra la settimana più bella dei Fantastici Quattro, dopo la quale… Nulla sarà come prima!

Cliccare su ciascuna immagine per ingrandire.

When combining my klutzy ways with the fact that I’ve worked in a warehouse for the past four years, it’s amazing that this is my first semi-serious injury.

The story is nothing too impressive: I let a large metal stake slip out of my hand and plunge itself into my thumb, leaving me with a flap of skin swinging from my right opposable. Then, just as any intelligent man would do, I put three Band-Aids around my sliced digit and worked for another six hours before seeking medical attention. I’m now left with a huge gash on top of my knuckle that requires that I not bend my thumb. This means:

• The post you’re reading right now took twice as long as normal to type.
• I can only play Pac-Man. (If you can think of another video game that does not require a right thumb, please let me know.)
• It looks weird when I do my Fonzie impersonation.

So, yeah, it sucks, but I guess it could be worse. After all, I’ll probably have a really gnarly scar when it finally heals. Plus, I have a great opportunity to gross you all out by showing you this.

Before you hate me for showing you that, just imagine how much I struggle now when I have to take a piss.

Fuck you all.

Entramos a la parte final de la serie de Alan Wolk (1) “Your brand is not my friend”, que completa los primeros tres capítulos (que ya cubrimos en El entorno de los medios sociales según Alan Wolk y en La Web 2.0 sin laberintos ni idioma geek (1). A la manera de Alan Wolk). La publicó en Daily fix, el blog de Marketing Profs., en el 2007, como las anteriores, y en Adweek, con algunas enmiendas, el 23 de Junio del 2008.

Wolk entra de lleno en este capítulo  a sustentar la ya famosa frase Your Brand Is Not My Friend™ que por la ™ que se ha agregado a la misma en recientes textos donde la citaba su autor, parece ser ya una marca registrada.

Arnold’s la cafetería de Happy Days

Que un extracto de un capítulo de Happy Days encabece mis comentarios, obedece a que Wolk dice que Facebook es malt shop (o cafetería) del siglo XXI adonde van, ahora, los adolescentes y jóvenes adultos a pasar el rato. Y yo no puedo imaginar una cafetería de los años 50 y 60 mas representativa que Arnold’s, de la serie “Días Felices”, que corrió en ABC entre el 74 y el 84. Así que he escogido una escena donde los protagonitas están en la de Matsuo “Arnold” Takahashi (el actor Pat Morita que después se hiciera muy famoso interpretando al Sr. Miyagui en la serie The Karate Kid, en una actuación que le valió una nominación al Oscar y otra al Globo de Oro, en 1984, al mejor actor secundario).

Y si Facebook es el nuevo Arnold’s (o su segunda casa donde ellos siguen las idas y venidas de sus 100 amigos más cercanos, comparando sus gustos en música, películas, fotos y destinos turísticos) lo último que quieren los que lo frecuentan es que aparezca un vendedor tratando de tener “una conversación” con ellos mientras están poniéndose de acuerdo cuando van a ir al cine juntos. Evidentemente no quieren conversar con el vendedor,  lo que quieren es conversar con sus amigos.

Por otro lado, las agencias de publicidad han olvidado que son vendedoras. Hasta hace poco proclamaban: “Somos vendedores. Vendemos los productos de nuestros clientes”, pero, de pronto, ya nadie quiere ser un vendedor. Ahora llevan a cabo “conversaciones” y además, los consumidores ya no son consumidores: ahora son “amigos”. Pero ¿a quien creen que están engañando si ¡Tu marca, no es mi amiga!.

El mayor atractivo de los medios sociales es justamente su independencia de los anunciantes corporativos. Tolerarán banners o avisos de búsqueda en la página, de la misma manera que en la cafetería toleraban los individuales con publicidad o el aviso de Coca Cola en la máquina expendedora de gaseosas: ese tipo de publicidad es inocuo y rápidamente se vuelve parte del paisaje. Por lo tanto no estoy seguro de dónde se desarrolló la presunción de que la gente quiere oír cosas sobre las marcas… porque eso no es cierto, agrega Alan. Por lo menos no en escenarios en los que el objetivo primario es charlar e interactuar con los amigos reales (y recordémoslo: sus marcas, no son nuestras amigas). En un blog o en un tablero de mensajes, dedicados a un tema en particular, la gente podría escuchar a alguien de una empresa, especialmente si esa persona tiene un nombre que pueden reconocer. Por ejemplo, si el mismo Steve Jobs de Apple fuese quien envía posts a un tablero, mucha gente encontraría emocionante “conversar” con él, pero desde luego no lo estarían con contestar un post genérico de “Apple” o de “algún vicepresidente de Apple”, quien no tendría acogida ninguna.

El Fonzie

Ahora bien, Wolk le llama “Prom King Brands™” (ojo al ™ de Marca Registrada) o “Reyes de sus Promociones” (es decir los chicos mas populares del colegio) a ciertas marcas que se distinguen nítidamente de las demás. (Esta es otra expresión feliz y muy adecuada si se sigue pensando en la concurrencia a la cafetería de Arnold o a Facebook. En una analogía de Happy Days, serían marcas “Fonzie”, el personaje secundario que terminó siendo el principal de la serie, interpretado por Henry Winkler y del que vemos una escena característica, en el video que aparece, al principio de este párrafo).

Son las marcas espectaculares: Nike, Apple, Starbucks, Virgin, Whole Foods, etc. (y agregaré yo por mi cuenta: Harley Davidson, McDonald’s, Dell, Fisher-Price, Dove, Coca Cola, Zappos…) y también forman parte de esa élite, las de los equipos deportivos, los shows de TV, las bandas de rock. Las demás no tienen esa suerte, halo o resplandor y a la gente no le interesa tanto andar o codearse con ellas. Porque mientras que a Frapuccino de Starbucks no le cuesta trabajo tener un grupo de “amigos” o seguidores en Facebook, nadie se haría seguidor de Maxwell House (una marca de café económico norteamericano líder del mercado hasta fines de los 80 y ahora segundo detrás de Folgers). Para ser precisos, Maxwell House sí tiene amigos o seguidores en Facebook, pero se trata de una persona (guitarrista aparentemente) con ese nombre en Québec, Canadá.

¿Significa eso que si su marca no es una “Reina de la Promoción” tiene que evitar los medios sociales? En absoluto. Significa que tiene que ser más astuto para usar el espacio, y desde luego mucho más auténtico —dice Wolk— y agrega que siguiendo el ejemplo anterior del Maxwell House, lo que ésta marca podría hacer es buscar al grupo de los “Seguidores de los Precios Bajos” y acercarse a ellos como un vendedor. No como un amigo. Y colocar un texto que diga algo así como “Amigos de los precios bajos, Maxwell House sabe de qué manera ahorran ustedes el dinero, y aunque nuestro café es ya barato de por sí, si van al este sitio especial de los Precios Bajos de Maxwell House, tenemos un cupón de un dólar esperándolos”.

Porque hay una diferencia crítica. Si uno es el “El Rey de la Promoción” uno define la interacción. La gente viene a hablarle y a estar cerca de Starbucks; a tomar para sí algo del efecto halo de una marca que consideran “súper” (o cool, guay, de onda o como se diga en cada lugar). Y aunque la marca les esté vendiendo sin parar, puede fingir que está teniendo una pequeña conversación divertida con ellos.

Pero si usted tiene una marca “de las otras” (por no llamarla común y corriente) tiene que encontrar una situación que encaje con sus fortalezas. Por lo tanto si su fortaleza es el precio, no le queda más que encontrar a la pandilla de los Adoradores del Precio y adaptarse a sus necesidades. Y lo tiene que hacer rotundamente, como un vendedor. Por la sencilla razón de que no puede fingir que está haciendo otra cosa que venderles.

Tome nota de que le dije que debe enviarlos a su página web y no a su grupo en Facebook. Porque los vendedores tienen páginas web, mientras que los amigos tienen grupos en Facebook. Y su grupo target tiene perfectamente clara la diferencia entre lo uno y lo otro. Si usted hace eso, puede ser que empiece a gustarles justamente por eso, y puede ser que le dejen estar con ellos con mayor frecuencia y quizás —solo quizás—  puede ser que empiecen a hablar. No a usted —fíjese bien— si no de usted. Lo cual es muchísimo más valioso (y efectivo desde el punto de vista de los costos) que ponerse a hablar con ellos de su último comercial de TV de $5 millones

Ahí está claramente, el valor de los medios sociales.

Los medios sociales

Llegamos con este Post al final de la serie Your Brand Is Not My Friend™ . En el siguiente, haré una recapitulación de lo expuesto en estos capítulos, explicaré por qué me ha parecido importante esta serie  y pondré además, el slideshare de una conferencia que Wolk sustentó en Minneapolis dentro del marco de un programa que titularon ”Conversations About The Future of Advertising” que realmente escenifica muy bien el pensamiento del autor sobre este tema.

——————————

(1)Hablamos de Alan Wolk, su blog The Toad Stool y de su frase famosa “Your brand is not my friend”, en Twitter como medio publicitario: una encuesta reveladora y una propuesta y en los dos posts mencionados en el primer párrafo.

Alan Wolk se define a sí mismo como una de las nuevas voces del lado creativo del negocio publicitario que ha establecido un espacio distinto para su consultoría por su sentido común frente a la estrategia que combina con la práctica directa en funciones de director creativo.

Es un importante especialista en todo el entorno online, frecuentemente citado, y su blog enlazado, ha sido seleccionado por el exclusivo sitio de Guy Kawasaki, Alltop, en torno a blogs excepcionales, aparece en el número 15 de la lista los “42 blogs” del Top Rank Marketing Blog y además publica artículos con frecuencia en Marketing Profs (mas conocida como MPDailyFix), un blog enfocado en los consultores de marketing y en el consorcio norteamericano de publicaciones Newstext.

Su serie de artículos más renombrada (que es justamente la que hemos tratado en tres posts), escrita en el 2007, ha sido publicada, por ejemplo, en Adweek y su editor, Brian Morrissey ha calificado a su blog, The Toad Stool, “como uno de los más leídos de la industria”. La serie “Your brand is not my friend” tiene que ver con las falsas presunciones, suposiciones o conjeturas que expresan, a veces con no poco desparpajo, soberbia y ligereza, algunos especialistas en marketing sea del lado del cliente o del lado de las agencias, en torno a la explotación comercial de  la Web 2.0. La escribió en el 2007 pero no solamente no ha perdido vigencia sino que ha cobrado realismo porque varias de las cosas que el autor anticipó que sucederían … han sucedido.

Alan Wolk’s Websites:

• Toad Stool Consultancy
• The Toad Stool blog
• Upcoming Speaking Engagements

Los Posts relacionados con la importancia de la TV en la actualidad

• El uso de la TV en EE UU: una muerte anunciada… pospuesta
• La T.V., en EE UU: el vehículo ideal para la publicidad
• ¡Pero sigo siendo el rey! La televisión reina en los medios
• Los jóvenes, la televisión e internet: una sorpresa.
• La TV el medio preferido para decidir compras.
• Las marcas online buscan la publicidad tradicional para crecer.
• Los norteamericanos ven cada vez más televisión

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I think so.

Take a looky at what i found while i was at lunch and strolled into the Burlington Coat Factory (don’t go there by the way, it sucks, dont even go as a joke).
I don’t know but this shit seems as bad as Ghettopoly, looks like a 50’s style little sambo with gold teeth.

You know the kinda shit Fonzie and Potsey would’ve loved (they were 50’s right ?)

Sit on it chocolate !
HEEEEEEEEYYYYYY!!!!!!!

important detail

I’ve often told my science-loving boys how I’d love it if one of them would grow up to be a Volcanologist.  While the profession is also spelled “vulcanologist,” I won’t use that spelling because, as a Trek nerd, I wholeheartedly feel it should be reserved for those who dedicate their lives to the study of Vulcans.

But wouldn’t it be cool to be a volcanologist?  To fly around the world studying active volcanoes, living dangerously, being a professional badass?  Like many parents,  I want my children to succeed beyond my own level of success, and I’m not a professional badass, only a devoted amateur trying my best.  I want better for them.

This comes to mind today because of the news of Anak Krakatoa’s awakening.  Anak Krakatoa is a rising volcanic cone building upon the original Krakatoa, which erupted in the 1800’s .  The eruption killed tens of thousands in Indonesia, and changed weather patterns for five years.  Blah, blah, blah…..Look at the pictures!

Alright, not to be cavalier about the deaths of over 30,000, but today Volcanologists are keeping a close eye on the volcano so the area can be evacuated when an eruption is close to occurring.  They can do that because they are badasses.  With cameras.  Look at the pictures!

These images were captured in June by Italian volcanologist Dr. Marco Fulle:

Anak Krakatoa draws violent storms

Isn’t Dr. Marco Fulle the sexiest man you’ve never met?  Ignoring the violent thunderstorms overhead, loitering insanely around volcanoes, clothes singed by the embers falling upon him, big old brain oblivious to danger as he collects information that could save thousands (see, I do care about the thousands)!  Oh my.  And he probably doesn’t even realize he’s a badass, which is the most badass thing about this type of man!  He’s much cooler than another Italian, Arthur Fonzarelli, ever could have hoped to be.  A Fonzie-Dr. Fulle cage fight would be too pitiful to even watch.  Fonzi wouldn’t have a chance against a badass the caliber of a Volcanologist like Dr. Fulle, and he’d probably cry and wet his pants.

Dr. Marco Fulle: Professional Badass

Every time news like this pops up, I grab the boys, show them the pictures and say, “HOW COULD YOU NOT WANT TO DO THIS? HOW COULD YOU NOT WANT TO BE ONE OF THESE GUYS???!!!”  And I get looks ranging from completely blank to those which silently scream “SHE’S A NUTTER.”

I will just have to come as close to my badass ideal as possible, and go play with molten gold in my studio.

For those as fascinated by the subject as I am, Stromboli online is a neat educational site about volcanoes.

Keep in mind, I am fully aware of just how wrong it is to photograph my dog’s, ummm…nut?  But look for yourself…

He was neutered this week.  I was under the impression that when a male dog is neutered, his, um, balls were removed.  But, there it is…a very definite ball.  Much smaller, without a doubt, but definitely “ball-like.”  I was discussing this with my neighbor, Meagan, tonight.  It was brought up that perhaps they leave him something behind to boost his self-esteem.  Maybe, it is detrimental to a dog NOT to have a ball to lick (just as it would be for a man not to have one, preferably two, to grab and rearrange).

So, as promised to my neighbor, I actually am exploiting my dog and his Wonder Nut, as I am quite honestly a bit intrigued and perplexed.  However, if it makes Fonzie hold his head up a little higher after his surgery, then kudos to the male vet that left him a bit of dignity.

Fonzie did well today.  We are trying to keep him from jumping and running around.

I think his bark is a little higher today.  Coincidence?

…your dog mounts your youngest daughter and her tutu.

Fonzie’s appointment is Monday.  Sorry Fonz, but you brought this on yourself.  Keep him in your thoughts…

Snip.

Dr. Chiribada,

 Forgive me for being crass, but I can’t take this crap any longer. Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at once? Given how I feel right now, I’m convinced that the answer is yes and this tears me apart in a very figurative way. If only I could have both the love and current marriage of my wife and the understanding and down-dirty freakiness of Penelope. Is that too much to ask for? Well, combining your idea and mine, it may not be.

 Do you recall the amount of times Fonzie dated two girls at once? On my count it was four if you count the Aloha Pussycats (and why wouldn’t you?). He even dated 2 sets of triplets! Well if the Fonz could get three SISTERS to date him at once, certainly some average Joe wearing that magical suit of armor known as Fonzie’s jacket could handle TWO UNRELATED gals. RIGHT?!

 I’m going to do it, Dr. Chiribada. I’m beginning to plan now and should be ready to pull the job off within a week. If you have any suggestions for me before I go, make sure to get back to me quickly. If not, the next time you talk to me, I’m going to be the coolest, least-plumaged dude this side of Arnold’s Diner.

God speed,
Steve

Steve,

1. It’s Dr. Chiribada. ALWAYS Dr. Chiribada. Only my mother calls me “Bill,” and only my sex-crazed lovers call me “Willy.” You are neither.

2. There is absolutely no other option to improve your situation of turning into a bird. If you wanted another option, like a “pill or surgery or exposing [yourself] to extreme amounts of radiation,” you should have stuck with one of those quack “normal doctors” that you saw prior to me.

Because I did not want you to get in trouble for stealing from the Smithsonian (unless it is absolutely necessary), I took the privilege of writing Paramount Studios, asking them if they had any authentic Fonzie Jackets I could borrow to help turn you back into a man. I explained your situation, and got this in return:

Dr. Chiribada,

Thank you for writing in regards to Happy Days! Unfortunately, we do not have any “authentic Fonzie Jackets,” as you requested. But don’t “sit on it” yet! Ayyyyyyy!

We will be sending you a complimentary copy of Happy Days, The First Season on DVD. We hope this helps you stay in touch with the Fonz, Richie, and all your favorites in the Happy Days gang.

Sincerely,

Jane Smith

It is clear to me that Jane Smith is a moron with no medical training. Obviously, if watching episodes of Happy Days would cure you, I would have no need for the jacket. But it is not enough. Watching Ralph Malph cower away from confrontation while Fonzie breaks up the situation without using any violence is sure to give you a few more ManUp Points, yes. But your situation is dire. You are closer than ever to becoming a full-fledged birdman; and this ass-head Jane Smith is doing nothing to help! I mean, in season 1, Fonzie doesn’t even wear his leather jacket all that much! He’s got that white windbreaker number on and looking quite UNCOOL if I may say so myself.

So, I’m sorry to say, but you’re going to need to break into the Smithsonian. But, there is good news. I’m confident that your transformation back into a man by having your feathers explode off of you will happen the instant you put on Arthur Fonzerelli’s jacket. Therefore, you will not need to steal it. Simply put it on, give two thumbs up and your best Fonzie impersonation, and that should do the trick. This way, if you get caught, it’ll just be for tampering with a piece of fine art, and not attempting to steal it.

Let me know how this goes. Now stop reading, get off your feathered-ass, and DO IT!

- Dr. William Chiribada III

Long ago, when I was in college, a very wise instructor once shared with me a valuable bit of her wisdom. I had commented that her office, crammed, as it was, into a  former dormitory room, appeared to be like totally organized! You could see the top of her desk for crying out- loud! Her in-box was empty! She promised to tell me her secret. (I haven’t told this to another living soul in all that time; well, okay I’ve told a few people, but no one else was that impressed.) With the knowing look that only a true leader can get away with, and in a suddenly hushed, almost breathless voice, she said:      “File don’t pile”. Well, you can imagine  the effect that had on me, or well, maybe you can’t.  Anyway, I’ve always been particularly fond of advice that rhymes, it makes it so much easier to remember. Not necessarily easier to follow…but,  I do still remember it.

I, like, or perhaps I should write, as many other people, I’m certain, have made, at various, oh, shall we say, periods in their lives, more or less, valiant attempts at staying ahead of the debris that continually seems to surround us in life. “File don’t pile”; the words come back to me now as clearly as when she said them. All I can say is: Thanks Teach’. And please feel free to use the advice of my prophetic prof’ to enhance your own schema for living.

As for me, give me liberty or give me…no, wait a minute, that one has already been done, to death. But in a way I too am committed to liberty (possibly just not as much as Patrick Henry apparently was, or for a cause perhaps quite as noble as his). I am fighting for  freedom from the little stacks of paper that litter the edges of my desk, the notebooks and journals filled  with who-knows-what, but still neatly stacked in a cubbie hole, awaiting, ah, awaiting, well I’m not really sure what fate may be awaiting them. Oh wait, there’s a box of old newspaper clippings. What was I thinking?!? Well, you know, one day at a time, right, mate? So give me “files or give me piles”…that didn’t really come out right.  My point is I have chosen files. As an old friend once said: “I’ve found my chair and I’m sticking to it.” I realize that really doesn’t have much to do with the file thing but  I just think that was sort of funny. (As I recall, it almost bordered on hilarious when she said it.) Yes, it’s true, circumstances would seem to dictate that I must once again enter the fray, full-speed ahead, damn the torpedoes, “Remember the Alamo!” Okay I’ve gotten a little carried away again. (As an aside , I find it interesting to note that both sides still remember the Alamo, just somewhat differently.)

My new private war is in the battle to become organized. Oh sure, I used to say, “organized is a four letter word”,  and it may be in some foreign language, somewhere, I have to admit that I don’t really know about that part…. But you get the idea, right?

Now, I am a changed person, I control my own destiny as well as a small, but growing, part of my desktop. And just to prove it,  I am going to get rid of one more piece of paper. That’s right, correctomundo, as Fonzie might say, right here, right now there is an old xerox I made of an article from, I think it was a magazine called “Speak-Up in English”. I bought the mag at a news stand years ago in Augas Calientes, it was the first magazine in English that I had seen in awhile. It is published in Spain. Anyway it was interesting enough. It had articles on various topics, written at different reading levels and in English as it is used in various parts of the world. Portions of the magazine were devoted to language instruction, helpful hints, popular culture and even a series of self-tests. Much of the material was repeated on an interactive CD that was included with the magazine. At least I think the material was on the CD. Apparently the issue I bought was paired with a batch of defective CD’s. A notice was printed inside the back cover.  I didn’t bother writing to Madrid for a replacement copy.

So this article in particular attracted my attention. In fact, reading it spurred me to write about  a simplified Spanglish (please see post on Simplified Spanglish), that could become a lingua franca for the western hemisphere. Perhaps not surprisingly, no one really liked that idea. I guess there are just too many artificial languages already. And I have to say devotees of them all are nothing if not adamant. “God bless ‘em, every one”, to paraphrase Tiny Tim, I wish I could say that in Esperanto. (please see comments on the same post, touchy, touchy, touchy).

The article is entitled “One Language For All” and was written  by William Sutton. The language level is Intermediate. And the article includes a short glossary of some vocabulary and idiomatic expressions translated into Spanish. I think it is well-written for its purpose and contains some interesting information. The whole thing is about 300 words. I guess I should make a disclaimer–I don’t necessarily agree or disagree with the author, remember,  I’m only doing this so I can get rid of this damn piece of paper. Please read on.

The introduction is in Spanish:

Aquellos que estan desesperados porque creen que el ingles se les resiste, ya

pueden respirar tranquilos. Esta surgiendo un nuevo lenguaje, el globish o ingles simplificado.

Para hablarlo se precisan 1,500 palabras.

The need for a world language is urgent. the problem with Artificial Languages is that nobody ever learns them. We need a more practical solution. English is the most widespread language in the history of the planet. But its complex pronunciation, spelling and idiom make it hard to learn–and hard to use accurately. So why don’t we make English easier?

The Simple Approach

Since the advent of the European Union and the internet, this notion, first proposed before World War II–is coming back into fashion. Could simplified English succeed where Artificial Languages have failed?

In his 1930 book, Basic English, Charles Kay Ogden proposed a modified form of English as an easily acquired second language. He selected a vocabulary of 850 words. He made the grammar simple, but not too simple for complex thoughts: you can read translations of the Bible and Plato’s Republic. (Oh boy, I can’t wait to get my hands on that reading list!) Ogden claimed it takes seven years to learn proper English, seven months for Esperanto, and seven weeks for Basic English. (And, to think, Tarzan apparently did it in the space of one movie! Of course, he had Jane to help him.)

Another adapted form of  ‘English As A Lingua Franca for Europe” (ELFE) is intended to reduce EU translation and interpreting costs. To make ELFE acceptable, linguistic experts want to simplify vocabulary and grammar, and eliminate culturally sensitive idioms: for example, ‘Double Dutch’, meaning incomprehensible talk.  (I had never heard that one before; I might have guessed it meant, like, really, really chocolately, which I wouldn’t consider too insensitive to the Dutch cultural heritage, but the whole cultural heritage thing, from any culture, can be a big problem when it comes to world languages.)

From Able to Zero

‘Globish, on the other hand, describes the way non-native English speakers already communicate, using common phrases, diverse levels of grammar, and unpredictable spelling. (That actually makes a pretty good description of my Spanish skills.)

In his 2004 book, Parlez Globish, Frenchman Jean-Paul Nerriere proposes a 1500-word Globish vocabulary from ‘able’ to ‘zero’–though he also recommends learning Frank Sinatra songs (See, now here is a big difference between me and this guy right away; I mean Mr. S was great but personally I have to recommend singing along to Nat King Cole). Nerriere’s book has received coverage throughout Europe and is already being translated into other languages including English (So I am just going to go ahead and assume that the book is already available in Globish).

Could It Work?

Could simplified English become the global language? Or is it a crazy dream? (What would life be like without a ‘crazy’ dream or two?)

Winston Churchhill considered Basic English as a tool for peace following World War II. But without international recognition, its value for learners remains limited. Churchhill himself lost enthusiasm when his wartime speech about “blood, toil, tears and sweat” was translated into Basic English as “blood, hard work, eyewash and body water.” (I don’t know, I think Churchill could still have pulled it off using that phrase in his speech, but it makes me think about that band from the ’60’s:  Blood, Body Water and Eyewash, I don’t know if that would have gone over as well,  but who knows? Afterall, it was the ’60’s).

Globish does, however, have an advantage: it is occurring spontaneously.  (I’m using it already! And I haven’t even read the book!) Used by ever-increasing millions across the planet, it is far ahead of Esperanto. (As a disclaimer: I wouldn’t have said that if it weren’t in the original article.) Language change is no longer prescribed by academics in dusty offices: it happens in conference rooms, backpackers’ hostels and internet chat rooms. (And, apparently,  everywhere I go, too, even dusty offices.)

Whether we like it or not some form of simplified English is already with us. (And that has been my point all along, I think.)

How did Charles Kay Ogden reduce Basic English to 850 words?

1. Omit synonyms:  ‘earth’ not ‘world’.

2. Turn verbs into nouns with ‘-er’ or ‘-ing’.

3. Invert adjectives with ‘un-’. (George Orwell’s novel, 1984, mocked words like ‘ungood’ with Newspeak, created by the Thought Police to outlaw unauthorized thoughts.)

4. Combine words for complex concepts.

5. All questions begin with ‘Do’.

6. Forget annoying irregular past simple forms.

Well, as the Cisco Kid used to say as he and Pancho rode off triumphantly into the sunset, “Adios Amigos!”

Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse than “Windows Mojave”, the ultimate rebrand FAIL arrives: Syfy.  No, it’s not a disease you get from an unsanitized telephone, it’s the new name for the “Channel Formerly Known As The Sci-Fi Network” (CFKATSN–Kiff Katson to you and me).  Maybe it would have been better if they had changed their name to an unpronounceable symbol.  That worked for Prince.  For a while. 

It just seems as if at the height of their popularity–everyone was talking about Battlestar Galactica Nuevo just a few short months ago…they are just giving up the concept that made them important.  If they don’t want to be Sci-Fi anymore, what’s the point?  (Kinda like when MTV stopped playing videos, right?)  Well, I’m sure they do, but they just want to do other stuff, too.  Like when Happy Days made Fonzie jump the shark because hanging out at Pat Morita’s Grill and learning Kara-te was not enough.  (“Fonzie…first paint fence, then jump shark.”)  Or when DragonTales added Enrique to the mix.  Or when Dora the Explorer became a Princess instead of a Scientist.  Or when KITT got “Super Pursuit Mode” on Knight Rider.  If it works and people like it, they depend on it…don’t change it because you think they’re bored…you’ll alienate them.  But no one ever learns this.  It just happens all the time.    Well, we can only shake our heads sadly and move on.  To paraphrase Jeff Albertson, better known as “Comic Book Guy” on The Simpsons…Worst.  Rebrand.  Ever.

–Raven