With Leather – Don’t be that guy on Sunday (Alternative title, “Don’t be an asshole at a Super Bowl party”)

ABC News -Super Bowl Top 10 Best Recipes for Sunday Party

Thanks to Dan Levy for having me on their podcast today. Knowing I’ve shared the same internet-based-airwaves as such noted sports reporters as Ron Jaworski, Skeets, MJD, Michael Tunison, Trey Wingo, Will Leitch, AJ Daulerio and most importantly, Norman Chad, is incredibly satisfying.

Everyone should check it out just for Dan’s wisdom alone, because until today I had no idea newborn baby poop smelled like pretzels.

(Sorry I said, “you know” approximately 10,000 times.)

Salt is ready for its close-up, Mr DeVille.

INT. BEDROOM — DAY –  THE AFTERNOON OF THE SUPER BOWL

A lump under the covers stirs and then goes still.  A moment passes and a hand reaches out to the night stand for a cellphone, withdrawing quickly back under the comforter and out of the cold air.  A few more seconds pass.  Suddenly the lump goes flying through the air, covers falling away to reveal BRITT in his undershirt and boxers rushing out the door.

BRITT

OLD BAY!!!

So you overslept.  Or none of your buddies made any plans and all of a sudden everyone has decided to show up at your house because you have the bigger TV.  Maybe you had plans to go to your usual game day pub then found out they’re charging a $20 cover charge and a requiring a $50 food and drink minimum for the Super Bowl.  (Assmonkeys by the way.  They’re happy to let you nurse a single Miller Lite and a side order of fries on a Tuesday night for the whole Grizzles-Raptors game, so screw them for hosing the regulars during the Super Bowl.)

Regardless, you need something Super Bowl XLIII themed, and fast.

In my circle of friends, everyone has stories about a guy named Britt and his obsession with Old Bay.  You’ll be at a party and if there are some plain chips out, suddenly Britt’s there flavoring them with Old Bay.  Not at his own house mind you, but in your living room with Old Bay.  Summer BBQ and you’re standing near the grill?  “You should put some Old Bay on that.”  At our friend Jason’s bachelor party,  he gave the groom a can of Old Bay on which he had written on the bottom of the can, “Put it on… everything.”

And he’s right.  Old Bay is perfect and you need something fast for the game.  On kettle-fried chips (although try to use it on unsalted chips or lightly salted chips), popcorn, the chicken or veggies you just grabbed at the market twenty minutes before kickoff, it will be your savior.

Note – Jason still has that can of Old Bay and he’s still married.

]]> http://sarahsprague.com/2010/02/03/new-orleans-vs-indianapolis/ Wed, 03 Feb 2010 22:19:43 +0000 Sarah Sprague http://sarahsprague.com/2010/02/03/new-orleans-vs-indianapolis/

Don't kid yourself. Neither one of these dishes are good for you, so "healthier" arguments will not be accepted during the debates.

A significant part of the Super Bowl Extravaganza Express are the irrelevant competitions and bets between rival fan bases that have little to no influence on the outcome of the game.  Aside of EA’s annual Madden game day emulation, most of these events are poor predictors for which team is going to win the Super Bowl. Doesn’t mean we don’t love having these fights anyway!

So as per tradition, let’s compare two completely different dishes from Louisiana and Indiana.

BATTLE Sausage and Chicken Jambalaya vs Sugar Cream Pie

The good news is both dishes suffer the same handicap; my shoddy photography and my very dark kitchen.

Sugar Cream Pie

Apparently one of the biggest questions during the weeks leading up to the Super Bowl is, “What do people in Indianapolis eat?”  How this wasn’t settled during Super Bowl XLI is beyond me, but here we are days away from the game and people are still desperately trying to figure out what to serve at their regional-themed Super Bowl party.  Personally I think this is a great excuse for everyone in the United States of Arugula to get back to whatever comfort food they like, because odds are they like it in Indiana.  (Contrary to popular belief, it is not a land of nothing but fried baloney sandwiches.  They make a grown-up version of the kids staple with a chicken-fried pork tenderloin.)

For Indianapolis, I’ve made the regional favorite, sugar cream pie.  At first glance, the recipe made me break out in hives.  Out the hundreds of sugar cream pie recipes I looked at, all of them called for a pre-made frozen pie shell.  Sacre bleu!  The filling is made out of heavy whipping creme, sugar, flour, whole (!!!) milk, butter and a touch of nutmeg and/or cinnamon.  Only a few of the recipes I saw even called for the very racy ingredient of vanilla.

But the more I stared at the recipe, the more I realized it was much it was like creme brulee without the eggs, fussing with water and ramekins, and a blow torch.  Straightforward, can be made in about an hour with only about five minutes of actual hands on time and relatively inexpensive to make.  A pie your grandmother or great-grandmother would make on a Wednesday night.

You will need -

1 prepared deep dish 9 inch pastry shell
1 1/2 cups white sugar
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup heavy whipping cream
3/4 cup whole milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 cup butter, chilled and diced

Pre-heat your oven to 450º.   In a medium bowl, mix together the sugar, flour, and whipping cream until completely smooth.  Add the milk and vanilla extract and completely combine.  (Don’t worry, some of the fat from the cream will keep rising to the top after you think you’ve finished stirring.)  Pour into the pie shell and then dot with butter.  Sprinkle with cinnamon and nutmeg  and bake at 450º for 15 minutes. After 15 minutes, place either a pie shield or some aluminum foil around the edge of the crust so it does not burn and reduce the heat to 350º and bake for another 45 minutes to an hour.  (The pie should be almost completely set.)  Remove from the oven and let cool completely firm.  (Unfortunately I did not let my pie completely set before taking its food porn shot.)

Judges notes –

This is a very sweet pie, but not a cloy as one would imagine from reading the ingredients.  It does remind you of a creme brulee, but not as heavy and with a much larger serving size, and the frozen pie shell was much better than I thought it would be. Goes well with coffee.  As one judge said, “This is type of pie you imagine grabbing a slice of to eat while watching ‘How You Met Your Mother’ and having a cup of decaf.”

“You mean, ‘How I Met Your Mother’?”

“Yes, but ‘How You Met Your Mother’ is a concept CBS should jump on right away.  The first prime time show about incest!”

“What about that episode of the ‘X-Files’ that only aired once?”

This is about when I decided I needed new judges and would make this post reader-interactive instead.

| View Show | Create Your Own

Sausage and Chicken Jambalaya

There are approximately 12,000 variations of jambalaya, with most of them containing the basic formula of several types of meat, rice, stock, hot spices, and giant pot and is grouped into two categories, Creole (red) and Cajun (brown).  Creole jambalaya gets much of its flavor from the inclusion of tomatoes while Cajun jambalaya uses a Cajun mirepoix (differing from traditional French mirepoix by substituting of bell peppers for carrots) as the foundation of this “throw everything into the pot” pilaf. Out of the 12,000 variations of jambalaya, approximately 9000 of recipes come from Louisiana’s most famous chef, Emeril Lagasse, so I’ve selected one of my favorites for this competition, Sausage and Chicken.  It’s a Cajun style jambalaya that forgoes shrimp in favor of ham, cooks up easily and can feed an army.

You will need -

1/2 cup vegetable oil
3 cups chopped yellow onions
1 cup chopped bell peppers
1 cup chopped celery
2 teaspoons salt
1-2 teaspoons cayenne pepper  (Cayenne packs way more heat than you think it does, so don’t try to be a hero and add more than 2 teaspoons.)
1-2 tablespoon chopped garlic
1 pound of sausage, cut into 1/4-inch slices (Traditionalists might insist on andouille sausage, but any smoked sausage will do.  So of course I used my regional favorite, kielbasa.)
1 1/2 pounds boneless, skinless white and dark chicken meat cut into 1-inch cubes
3/4 pound country ham, cut into 1/2-inch cubes
3 bay leaves
3 cups medium-grain white rice
6 cups chicken stock
1/2 cup chopped green onions
1/2 cup chopped fresh parsley

Heat the oil in a stock pot or Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Add the onions, bell peppers, celery, half of the cayenne and salt, and cook, stirring every so often, until the vegetables are very soft, about 5 to 6 minutes.

Toss in the garlic and cook for 30 seconds so it opens up enough to flavor the sausage, and then throw in the sausage slices and cook until heated all the way through, for about 5 minutes.  Be sure to keep stirring and scrap any browned bits that stick to the sides and bottom of the pot.

Season the chicken with the remaining salt and cayenne, then add the chicken and the bay leaves to the pot until the meat is browned, which should take about another 5 minutes.  Add the ham and cook, stirring, for 2 minutes and then pour in the 3 cups of rice and heat — still stirring — for another 2 to 3 minutes.  (Look for the rice to start to take on a translucent quality.)

Add the stock, stir to combine, and cover. Lower the heat to low and cook without stirring until the rice is tender and all the liquid is absorbed, 25 to 35 minutes. (Don’t feel bad if you have to poke at the bottom of the pot with your big wooden spoon to see how much liquid is left.) Remove the pot from the heat and let stand, covered, without stirring for 10 minutes.

Mix in the green onions and chopped parsley, and serve immediately, removing the bay leaves as you find them.

Judges’ notes –

Jambalaya, much like the sugar cream pie, is a solid comfort food.  And despite all the chopping, and stirring, and cleaning up a giant pot, it is a rather easy and quick way to get a meal to the table in about an hour.  It’s filling, has just enough heat to satisfy the more adventurous side of your palate, and can be customized to suit one’s own preferences.   And while one judge said it was the type of dish that made them think of doing shots after eating and is a wild and untamed dish, I disagree.  The only thing complicated about jambalaya is learning how to spell it.

In summation -

Three rich dairy items versus three types of meat, how do you like your down home cooking?

Now remember, the results of the WHOLE SUPER BOWL DEPEND ON YOUR VOTE I HAVE PUT THE HEX OF SIX STEELER SUPER BOWL WINS ON THEM RIGHT NOW SO IF YOUR FAVORITE REGIONAL FOOD DOESN’T WIN THEN YOUR TEAM WILL NOT WIN so vote now, tell all your friends to vote, tell all your friends friends vote, post this pole on your team message boards, your Twitter, your Tumblr, and your Live Journal because if your food loses your team loses Sunday!

Voting closes at 11:59 PM PST, Saturday night.

Day 9 -  14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Chicharrones de Pollo
Day 8 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Mixed Fruit and Blueberry Salsas
Day 7 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Pro Bowl Pretzel Bread
Day 6 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Wasabi Peas
Day 5 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: New Orleans Style Pimm’s Cups & Cucumber Tapas
Day 4 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Smokey Cowboy Caviar
Day 3 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Citrus Marinated Warm Olives
Day 2 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Fried Chickpeas (Ceci Fritos)
Day 1 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Salted Honey Roasted Pecans

Sugar Cream Pie adapted from All Recipes, but be sure to watch this helpful Paula Dean video about the dessert from the Food Network.

Sausage Chicken Jambalaya recipe from Emeril’s ABC Super Bowl XLI appearance.

It's like someone took your Chik-Fil-A nuggets and got them drunk on rum and awesomeness. Served with a real daiquiri and not a drink that came out of a Slurpee machine.

Back on Day 1 of the 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes, we said this year’s Football Foodie theme was going to be smaller, easier dishes to round out your Super Bowl table.  Side items to supplement the giant smoked briskets, 6-foot sandwiches, and 25-layer dips you’ve already planned on serving this Sunday.  Main courses are great, but we all know it is the sides that complete the feast.  And just because it is a side dish, doesn’t mean it has to be wimpy and light.

On Sunday, while every newly-minted New Orleans Saints fan will be gorging on Reggie Bush, some of us will be filling our plates with a monster helping of Pierre Thomas.  Cheering for Peyton Manning?  Awesome, but I think I’ll take a big old heaping of Gary Brackett racing towards Drew Brees instead.  For every sexy, boldfaced name’ like Dallas Clark there is a surfeit of talented Austin Collies and Pierre Garcons to load your plate up with during the Super Bowl.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you the star players are the main attraction during the Super Bowl.

And don’t ever let anyone tell you meat is not a side dish.

14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Chicharrones de Pollo

You will need…

Use whatever dark rum you have on hand, but avoid flavored rums like Captain Morgan or Malibu.

1/4 cup of dark rum
1/4 cup of lime juice
1/4 cup of soy sauce (For a spicier dish, use Tabasco soy sauce.)
1 tablespoon of sugar
1 1/2 pounds boneless chicken thighs or breasts, cut into 1 to 1 1/2-inch pieces (I used a mix of both.)
1-2 cups of vegetable oil (Enough for at least an inch of oil at the bottom of the pan.)
1/2 cup of flour
1/2 -1 teaspoon of salt
1/2 teaspoon of paprika
Lime wedges
Hot sauce

Up until this post the 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes have not only been vegetarian, but have been vegan friendly. So much for that theme!

Combine the rum, soy sauce, lime juice and sugar in a deep bowl and mix until the sugar dissolves.  Add the chicken and fully coat in the marinade and let it sit out on the counter for 30 minutes.  If making ahead of time, be sure to bring your chicken and marinade to room temperature before frying for the same 30 minute resting period.  (Don’t worry, it will not kill you if the chicken isn’t freezing cold before cooking.)

A giant tray of meat soaked in booze. If that does not say "Super Bowl" all over it, then I do not know what does.

After marinating, drain the chicken pieces and pat dry.  Combine the flour, salt and paprika on a plate to make a dredging station for the chicken pieces.  Cut up the limes so they’re ready to go when the chicken is finished frying.

The coating. Fried chicken magic time.

Coat each piece of chicken thoroughly with the flour mixture.

Heat up the oil over medium heat until the surface starts to shimmer.  If you are not quite sure if your oil is hot enough to cook with (cooler oil will seep into your food and make it soggy), take a pinch of flour and toss it into the pan.  The flour should quickly sizzle, telling you it’s time to get frying.

This is where food and football writing is at its most dangerous. Face and camera near scalding hot oil and an update on Dwight Freeney's ankle on NFL Network. Being torn between getting the shot and running into the living room to see the news and possibly burning the chicken (and ourselves) just to find out no one knows anything about Freeney's foot.

Working in small batches, fry each piece of chicken until they’re a deep golden brown, about three to four minutes on each side. Approximately about the same amount of time it takes to get through one Super Bowl commercial break.

Don’t let the marketing folks fool you, there is no reason to sit through all the ads during the Super Bowl.  One, it’s still an ad and if you need to cling to advertising just to have something to talk about on Monday with your dull-ass coworkers, it might be time for you to look for a new job, I don’t care how bad the economy is in your respective industry.  Or at least bring in your water so you don’t have to engage with the dullards around your office who only can talk about how yet again, Danica Patrick tricked them into going online just to see her not get naked for the hundredth time but really they were hoping this would be the spot she would pull down the zipper ALL THE WAY DOWN on her GoDaddy.com jacket.  (Ed. note – All TheStarterWife related domains are provided by GoDaddy.com!)

Secondly, if the spot is good enough, the ad agencies already posted it on their “viral” company YouTube/Twitter/Facebook/MySpace/Tumblr/LinkedIn/FourSquare/Social Circle pages and have spoon-fed it to their PR teams and related blogger street teams to get the ad in front of your tired eyeballs first thing the next day. You will have little choice but to watch the commercials on Monday morning, which is actually to your benefit.  Since no one wants to work with a hangover, make up whatever excuse you can to catch up on all the ads once you actually make it into the office. Work in IT? Checking the company firewalls.  Finance?  Want to see what other companies are wasting their cash reserves on multi-million ad buys.  HR?  Someone told you that the commercial might be offensive and so-and-so-Sad-Sack overheard so-and-so-Mister-or-Miss-Bully playing it on their computer and you want to make sure the company hasn’t opened itself up to a sexual harassment suit. (Thanks, Tebow!)  Cubical Dweller? Damn the man and watch all the ads you want, especially if they annoy the other people around the cube farm.  Boss?  You’re in the office? What’s the point of being in charge if you cannot come in late after a holiday?

But most importantly, Super Bowl commercial breaks are valuable drink making, plate reloading, and peeing time.  No talking about the previous play, no switching seats, and its certainly not the time to text your buddy back in Miami to see if the stadium is going crazy wait for The Who.  That is what official reviews are for.  Commercials are for being away from the television.

Where were we?  Oh yeah, chicharrones de pollo.

Resist eating all the chicken as you take it out of the pan. Remember, you do have to share with others.

Remove from the pan an drain on paper towels before plating,  Serve with lemon wedges and hot sauce, garnish with parsley or cilantro.

Day 8 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Mixed Fruit and Blueberry Salsas
Day 7 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Pro Bowl Pretzel Bread
Day 6 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Wasabi Peas
Day 5 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: New Orleans Style Pimm’s Cups & Cucumber Tapas
Day 4 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Smokey Cowboy Caviar
Day 3 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Citrus Marinated Warm Olives
Day 2 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Fried Chickpeas (Ceci Fritos)
Day 1 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Salted Honey Roasted Pecans

Recipe adapted from Gourmet Magazine, Sept 2007.  (RIP Gourmet)

Fruit salsas pair well with any and all citrus cocktails, serving both to bring out the natural sweetness in the fruit and help temper the heat from the jalapenos.

Bad news Steelers fans.  This is the last week to celebrate the reigning Super Bowl champs and not look like complete homeristic douchecakes.

Granted, some people may say the celebration should have ended February 2, 2009.  Others may have given Roethlisberger and company until September 10 to drain the last of the SB XLIII champagne.  Even the most optimistic black and gold faithful were ready to pack away their “Sixburgh” gear after the Steelers dropped five close games in a row during what should have been an easy stretch of games against the Chiefs, Browns, Ravens, Bengals and Raiders.

The rest of us, held out hope until the end of January 3, 2010.

I’m planning on enjoying these last few days of the Steelers championship.  All of my complaints about what went wrong with the 2009 squad are going to be tempered by the joy that last year’s Super Bowl win gave me for just a little bit longer.  I’m going to make annoying comments about how great the Steelers are around other websites, on Twitter (annoying rival fans along the way), wear my Steelers purse around town, dress my Spaniel in her little Steelers collar, and listen to “Steeler Ladies” as if it won the Grammy for song of the year instead of Beyonce’s version.  And it is my hope that all of my other Steeler-loving friends do the same.

Because in less than a week, it will be someone else’s turn to crow.

So one last time -

Suck it, Buzzsaw fans.  Both feet were in.

14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Blueberry and Mixed Fruit Salsas

You will need…

Even though it is only one bulb, there are actually two shallots in there.

Blueberry Salsa

12 ounces of blueberries, roughly chopped
1 shallot, finely minced (Or 1/4 cup of red onion)
1 jalapeno, seeds removed and finely minced
1-2 tablespoons of cilantro, stems removed and finely chopped
1 tablespoon of lime or lemon juice
1-2 teaspoons of kosher salt

Hot and sweet, much like Super Bowl champion Troy Polamalu.

Mix all the above ingredients. That was almost too easy.

You know what is hard to do?  Setting a Super Bowl record with a 100-yard interception touchdown return.  Hey, look!  James Harrison did just that in Super Bowl XLIII last year!

Cold. As cold as LaMarr Woodley's two sacks of old man Warner in the championship.

Refrigerate for at least six hours before serving.  Can be made up to two days ahead of time.

Mixed Fruit Salsa

As fruity as getting as Cardinals tattoo on your Eagles loving behind.

1 orange, peeled, seeds removed and chopped
1 yellow bell pepper, seeds removed and chopped
2-3 kiwi fruit, peeled and chopped
1/2 a cup of pineapple, chopped
1 – 1 1/4 cup of strawberries, chopped (Wait until serving to chop.)
2-3 scallions, minced
1-2 tablespoons of cilantro, stems removed and finely chopped
1 jalapeno, seeds removed and finely minced
1 tablespoon of lime or lemon juice

Pretty! As pretty as Mike Tomlin on the sidelines.

Combine everything except the strawberries in a bowl and refrigerate for at least six hours.  When ready to serve, chop and add the strawberries.  (Adding them beforehand will result in mushy strawberries, eaten away too quickly by the citrus juices and jalapeno.)

If you want to do something extra special, make your own sweet cinnamon and sugar tortilla chips.

You know who's extra special in the, "Well, he's a nut but he's our nut" type of way? Two-time Super Bowl Champion and Team Captain, Jeff Reed. Let's see if he gets hit with the franchise tag during the off-season, as I'd hate to see Sir Spiky Hair anywhere else.

Preheat your oven to 350º.

Cut the thinnest flour tortillas you can find into wedges, and then brush with melted butter (vegetable oil if you’re vegan) on one side.  Lightly dust with a cinnamon and sugar mix.

Hot Miller, check it and see. I've got a tight end of a hundred and three... Sorry. This is what happens when the NFL starts hiring Foreigner to play the Conference Championships.

Bake for four to five minutes on each side.  Remove when golden brown. Can be made up to two days ahead of time.

Both the blueberry salsa and the mixed fruit salsa can be served with regular salted tortilla chips, but the sweet chips pick up the mixed fruit salsa nicely.

One last time?

One last time.

Day 7 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Pro Bowl Pretzel Bread
Day 6 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Wasabi Peas
Day 5 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: New Orleans Style Pimm’s Cups & Cucumber Tapas
Day 4 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Smokey Cowboy Caviar
Day 3 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Citrus Marinated Warm Olives
Day 2 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Fried Chickpeas (Ceci Fritos)
Day 1 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Salted Honey Roasted Pecans

Blueberry salsa adapted from Kitchen Parade, Mixed Fruit Salsa adapted from the Better Holmes and Gardens Red Plaid Cookbook.

Keywords ahoy!

You will not find anything here.

But I imagine if there are Peyton Manning recipes in the world, they involve…

DUCK!

"What are we looking for?" "Sechs, Dad." "That'll do, Audrey." "Dad, that's German for six."

Hooray!  I’m watching a substandard Pro Bowl — which by pro-football standards is already a very, very low standard — with third-choice players, a rainy field and tens of thousands of other football fans who all agree; even bad football is better than the best the Grammys have to offer.  (By the way, how is it that even with moving the Pro Bowl to the week before the Super Bowl, it manages to be the same weekend as the Grammys again?)

The good news is we’ve decided to stay in for this years Pro Bowl.  The last time Holly and I blogged the game from Big Wangs, we had to ask the waitress to switch from “Napa Wine Today” for the game.  This also means we have an excuse to revisit one the best recipes from this year’s Friday Football Foodie series, Ham and Cheese Pretzel Bites with Beer Floats! Do you remember how awesome they were?

Served with Jalapeno and Honey Mustard!

Those really do look awesome!  Totally worthy of selection into the Football Foodie Pro Bowl.  But guess what? Ham and Cheese Pretzel Bites was injured during the Packers-Cardinals playoff game (injury report, Cheese – bruised ego, OT loss), and declined to make the trip to dangerously melty-warm Miami.

Never fear though, we have the equally awesome Pretzel Bread for backup!

That is, if Ray Lewis’s evil cackling doesn’t cause our bread to go flat.  Who’s idea was it to wire Ray-Ray for sound during this game?

You will need…

Pictured with twice as much yeast, just in case the first packet fails to activate.

1/3 cup warm water and 1 cup warm water (105º-115º)
2 tablespoons warm milk (105º-115º)
2 1/2 teaspoons active dry yeast (The amount in one packet of dry yeast. Have an extra one on hand in case the first batch yeast does not activate.)
1/3 cup brown sugar (Light or dark, whatever you have on hand.)
2 tablespoons butter, melted (2 more if you want a softer crust.)
4 cups all-purpose flour
kosher salt or pretzel salt
1/2 cup baking soda
Water for the stock pot

Science! Yeast farting out gasses!

In the bottom of large bowl, mix together yeast and 1/3 cup of warm water. Let sit until it gets foamy.  If six or seven minutes have passed by and you have no sign of bubbles, toss out and try again with slightly warmer water.

Out of focus. No cares because it's the Pro Bowl. And it's Sunday. And no one really reads all of these captions. Enough excuses for you? Good, they'll come in useful a week from Monday when you defend your Super Bowl hangover.

Once foamy, mix in two tablespoons of melted butter, brown sugar, warm milk, and one cup of very warm water.

You could use a dough hook on a mixer for this bread, but since you're watching football, would it kill you to stir this all together for three or four minutes?

Working one cup at at time (that’s what she said!), mix the flour into yeast mixture until completely incorporated.

FFF Quiz - Who do you see here, a) Andy Reid b) Rex Ryan c) Mark Mangino d) Eric Mangini or e) All of the above.

Working on a clean, floured surface, kneed the dough for two or three minutes.  If the dough is too sticky, add a little more flour to the dough as you kneed and lightly grease your hands with vegetable oil.

Plastic wrap porn.

If you want to make a dozen smaller rolls, divide into pieces now.  If you want to to make a 2-4 smaller loaves, leave as one big piece for now.  Cover with plastic wrap.

Make sure you use a clean towel.

Then cover with damp, warm towel.  Let rest for 30 minutes.

FFF Quiz - Who do you see here... Nah. That's just mean.

Remove the towel and if you need to make into smaller loaves — I recommend four smaller, wide loaves instead of rolls — then recover with plastic wrap only.  Let rest for another 40-60 minutes.

While the dough is resting, preheat the oven to 425º.    Fill a large, wide-mouthed stock pot 3/4 of the way with water and bring to a boil.

Science bubbles! Move slowly or the water will boil over!

Slowly pour 1/2 cup of baking soda into the boiling water.

Looks like the world's largest pierogy!

One loaf at a time, boil the dough for one minute on each side and then remove from the bath.

Don't worry how awkward they look. You're going to slice the bread up anyway.

If you have perfectly shaped bread, cut little slits into the top of each loaf so the dough has a way to expand while baking.  If your loaves already cracked like mine did [insert an ugly Pro Bowl replacement joke here], then you’re in good shape.

Sprinkle with kosher salt and then bake until deep brown, about 20-25 minutes.

See? They look much better now.

If you want softer loaves, brush the bread with melted butter.   But since you’re not a 12 year-old mallrat (I hope) skip that step.

Coolingcoolingcooling

If you want to add more salt, don’t be afraid to sprinkle a little more on while the pretzel bread first starts cooling.  The steam from the bread will make it stick to the bread.

Slice into biscotti-sized pieces and serve with mustard for dipping.  If you want a crunchier bread, put the slices back into a 325º oven for five minutes.   Can be made up to three days beforehand, and reheated and sliced the day of your Super Bowl party.

Day 6 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Wasabi Peas
Day 5 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: New Orleans Style Pimm’s Cups & Cucumber Tapas
Day 4 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Smokey Cowboy Caviar
Day 3 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Citrus Marinated Warm Olives
Day 2 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Fried Chickpeas (Ceci Fritos)
Day 1 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Salted Honey Roasted Pecans

Pretzel bread recipe made using techniques from Recipezaar, Two-Bites, and Black and Gold Tchotchkes via Gourmet Magazine.

I've included sparkling sake in previous Football Foodie posts and just couldn't resist pairing it with these spicy nuggets. First ever FF repeat!

The quiet before the storm.  Less then eight days left to come up with a plan for the Super Bowl.

If you are a Saints fan, you’re checking room rates, ticket brokers and staring at maps looking for ways to shave time off the 13 hour drive from New Orleans to Miami.

If you are a Colts fan, you’re debating purchasing the game day package from Costco that includes game tickets, plane tickets, hotel room, and a pre-game bar.

Everyone else?  Well, we’re still figuring out what type of food to serve next Sunday.

Keeping today’s post short because, mostly because it’s Saturday and everyone knows blog traffic goes to hell on Saturdays.  Also because today’s Football Foodie item takes five hours to make, so the last thing I need to do is take up your valuable cooking time with words words words!  (Third reason?  Spent the day in Santa Barbara and now that I’m home, all I want to do is take a nap.)

14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Wasabi Peas!

You will need…

Peas the size of boulders!

1 pound bag of frozen peas
2 tablespoons of rice vinegar (or white wine vinegar, but preferably )
4-5 teaspoons (depending on taste) of powdered wasabi
1 teaspoon of mustard powder
5-6 hours

Optional -  1-2 teaspoons of tahini, if you can find it.

Note – If you want to use whole dried peas, rehydrate them, then dehydrate them again you can.  In my experience whole dried peas are almost impossible to find, even from nature marts and weird hippie places that sell granola by the bin-ful.

Preheat the oven to 225º.

Are we done with the photo porn jokes? No? Then look! Pea porn!

Defrost the peas by running under hot water and then drain well.

Peas are singing, "Hot, hot, hot."

Put them in the warm oven to dehydrate for the next four to five hours, shaking every 45 minutes or so for even baking.

Time elapse photography really doesn't work in blog-form.

When the peas are almost dehydrated (they should still be a bit chewy), remove them from the oven.

Surprisingly, the peas still look pretty green.

In a bowl, combine the wasabi, mustard and vinegar to make a marinate for the peas.  Coat well and return to the oven for about another 60-90 minutes, until they have almost completely dried out and the taste of vinegar has completely burned off.

Serve right away, or store for up to three days.

Store store store.

If the peas get too most again while being store before serving, you can pop them back into a 225º oven for about 20-30 minutes to restore the proper wasabi pea texture.

Day 5 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: New Orleans Style Pimm’s Cups & Cucumber Tapas
Day 4 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Smokey Cowboy Caviar
Day 3 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Citrus Marinated Warm Olives
Day 2 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Fried Chickpeas (Ceci Fritos)
Day 1 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Salted Honey Roasted Pecans

During a long day of drinking and eating, sometimes you want to slow down and have something light and refreshing. Pimm's No. 1 Cup (a gin based liquor) hits all the right notes of citrus and spice without being overpowering. A sweeter alternative to your usual gin and tonic or vodka tonic.

In my head, I already had picked out a theme for this post.  Wanted to talk about cheap hits in the post-season, not-so-cheap-hits in the post-season, and shut-you’re-mouth-that-was-totally-legit.

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of flipping on Kurt Warner’s press conference to announce his retirement.

Forty minutes later and I cannot put together a single cohesive thought to save my life.  I cannot think of any other profession where one person’s decision to leave a job — other than late night talk show hosts, and we can all admit that is a relatively rare occurrence  — receives as much press coverage as when an athlete retires.  Football fans love to trot out the overused canard “football is a team sport” and “play as a team, win as a team”, but deep down we know it is not true.  One player or one coach can change an entire team.  The foundation of talenljwrjklasdijpxamxsa’MKNFLDSndjkla HOW CAN PEOPLE WRITE THIS WAY?!?@!?@1

See up there? 20 seconds ago? Where I said “cannot put together a single cohesive thought to save my life” before the rambling started? Watching forty minutes of a football retirement speech has reduced me to nothing but a pile of cliches.  No wonder “your local sportswriter sucks” was such a hit a few years ago.  Where is the research on the damage caused by attending x-amount of pressers over the years?

Better get to the recipes.

14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: New Orleans Style Pimm’s Cups & Cucumber Tapas

You will need…

I'd like to type "cucumber porn" here, but we're not that type of blog around here. HEY WAIT. Now we are!

You can stuff anything you want into a cucumber (yes, I know that is not usually how cucumber porn works), and for a simple salty snack.  (Put your own porn joke here.)

2-3 cucumbers
4-6 ounces of feta, depending on how much cheese you like
1-2 tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil
1 teaspoon Salt, preferably kosher
1-2 teaspoons ground pepper
1-2 tablespoons of fresh oregano, finely chopped

In place of oregano, you can also use dill, mint, or thyme.  Whatever you have around or is on sale at the store.

Strangest cucumber porn I've seen, but $50 says there is a strange term for this action already.

Cut your cucumbers lengthwise and remove the seeds.  If it is a waxy cucumber, peel off the skin.

Out of focus porn, the follow up to Robin Williams "Auto Focus" porn.

Take half of your cucumber halves and chop.  Mix in the feta, olive oil, herbs and a dash of the salt and pepper.  Stuff the other half of the cucumbers with the mix, and then cut into bit sized pieces.  Top with just a little more ground pepper over the top of each piece to bring all the tastes together and serve.

New Orleans Style Pimm’s Cups

Cucumber and lemon porn. Pretty sure Led Zeppelin covered this song.

New Orleans is known for the Hurricane (diabetes in a glass), Sazerac cocktails (currently the favorite of hipster mixologists everywhere), and hand grenades.  Since I hate diabetes, hipsters and grain alcohol, (not necessarily in that order), we’re going to focus on the New Orleans take on one of my favorite British drinks, the Pimm’s Cup.  As an added bonus, we’re going to say screw New Orleans traditions and make what I believe is a far superior version of the Pimm’s Cup.

You will need-

Pimm’s No. 1
Cucumber
Lemon

For the New Orleans style Pimm’s Cup -
Lemon juice
Simple syrup
7Up or Sprite

For the awesome take on a Pimm’s Cup -
Bitter Lemons (Much a like a tonic water with lemons, but better.)

Side by side porn!

Fill a Tom Collins (or a high ball) glass halfway with ice, toss in a slice each of cucumber and lemon, and a shot of Pimm’s. (1 1/2 onces.)

NEW ORLEANS STYLE PORN

For a New Orleans style Pimm’s Cup, add an ounce or two of lemon juice and an ounce of simple syrup.

NEW ORLEANS STYLE PORN #2, AND IT DOESN'T INVOLVE SHRIMP.

Top with lemon-lime soda.

Drink.

Awesome Pimm's Cup Porn is everything porn!

For the awesome Pimm’s Cup, take your glass of Pimm’s and fill with bitter lemon.

Drink.

A civilized New Orleans cocktail that will save you from the indignation of begging for beads.

Day 4 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Smokey Cowboy Caviar
Day 3 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Citrus Marinated Warm Olives
Day 2 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Fried Chickpeas (Ceci Fritos)
Day 1 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Salted Honey Roasted Pecans

Chipotle beer makes complete sense if you think about it. The Belgians have been adding coriander to their beer for ages.

It occurred to me after I posted my rambling piece about lazy jaded sports writing and the nonsensical whining about overwrought story lines, I should have included at least a couple of links to writers who have not only been outstanding in their coverage of the Super Bowl, but all season long.

Shutdown Corner and Football Outsiders, Doug Farrar

From his “The Road to Lombardi” series, a piece on Saints running back Pierre Thomas:

When Drew Brees(notes) and Sean Payton throw all those three- and four-wise sets at enemy defenses, it’s generally Thomas in the backfield, forcing defenses away from committing entirely to the aerial attack. As much as he benefits from those defenses backing off and playing pass, he also averaged 4.9 yards per carry on 50 carries in formations with only two wide receivers. And that’s the myth of the Saints — people assume that because Brees is among the best quarterbacks in the game and the offense scores so often, the Saints aren’t a physical team. Thomas ran behind two-tight end sets 60 times and averaged six yards per carry.

The Designed Rush – Michael Tunison, The Sporting News, Sporting Blog.  From this week’s column:

What has to concern Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams is his unit’s inability to cover the middle of the field during the postseason. Green Bay and Minnesota torched them with ease by attacking with slot receivers and tight ends. No doubt that Dallas Clark will take on added emphasis when Indianapolis sees that vulnerability. The Saints, however, were able to batter Brett Favre consistently in the NFC Championship. Peyton Manning struggled early against the Jets when Rex Ryan’s defense was able to apply pressure. New Orleans is better able to do this without elaborate blitz packages and that may serve them well against the Colts.

Not a single reference to a Kardashian.  Just solid, rugged, football talk.

Which segues right into today’s theme:

14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Smokey Cowboy Caviar

You will need…

NOTE: Liquid smoke. THERE IS NO WAVERING ON THIS INGREDIENT. (Unless you are a total wuss and spend your whole life eating nothing but... There is no end to that sentence. It's all going to kill you some day.)

1 can of black eyed peas
1 can of black beans
2-3 roasted red peppers (Or 1-2 chopped red sweet peppers, but roasted red peppers taste better.)
1-2 jalapenos, depending on your preference
2-3 cloves of garlic
2-3 scallions (Or 1/4 cup finely chopped red or white onion)
1/2 a bunch of cilantro, stems removed
1 tablespoon lime juice (or lemon juice)
1 tablespoon white wine vinegar (Or cider vinegar, rice vinegar)
2-3 tablespoons of vegetable oil
Fresh ground pepper
Salt
1/2-1 teaspoon liquid smoke

Now, I’ve seen a lot of variations of Cowboy Caviar (or Texas Caviar, if you prefer) over the years.  Some people add tomatoes, eggplant, tomatillos, corn, green peppers, bottled Italian dressing, and avocados.  As far as I’m concerned, those people are just making salsa with beans.  If I wanted salsa, I’d make salsa.

In my mind, cowboys mean two things; chuck wagons and beans.

(Despite spending my early years in the cowboy-heavy lands of Colorado and Wyoming, my earliest memories of cowboys comes from watching the dinner scene in BLAZING SADDLES at a family friend’s house on TV.  I had no idea why the adults were all laughing, but good lord did they find those cowboys funny.)

Liquid smoke is one of those ridiculous items that when you see it at the store, you cannot help but think, “That’s the dumbest thing I have ever seen.  Who needs liquid smoke?  Bet it looks nice next a pet rock on the shelf.”  Well, guess again!  Even if you are a vegan, you’ve probably already tried liquid smoke.  It’s used to flavor bacon, tempeh, and marinades; all totally awesome tasting foods!

Now, there is a good chance it might be bad for your health.  (Good liquid smoke is nothing more than water and smoke that has condensed, then had the tar and ash removed.  Other liquid smokes use sweeteners such as molasses, sugar, or high-fructose corn syrup.)  The EU is  reinvestigating the safety of using liquid smoke in meats and cheeses.  But guess what else is not good for you?  Eating anything off the grill!  So if you’re already okay with the idea that grilling is not the worst thing for you, than you shouldn’t be afraid to use liquid smoke.  If you are not okay with grilled items, then skip the “smokey” and make yourself just plain old Cowboy Caviar.  But maybe change the name to “Ballerina Caviar” or “EVERYTHING GIVES YOU CANCER Caviar” because cowboys and smoke go hand-in-hand.

Bean porn! Not as sexy as olive porn!

Rinse and drain your beans.

Slasher-pepper porn.

Coarsely chop up the cilantro and red peppers, finely mince the scallions, jalapenos, and garlic.

Stirring porn.

Mixed together with the white wine vinegar, lime juice, vegetable oil, and liquid smoke.  Stir in the beans.

Cold porn.

Marinate in the refrigerator for at least 6-12 hours to let all the flavors open up and permeate the beans.  Serve with chips and a smokey beer, such as the Rogue Chipotle Ale seen above or a dark porter.  If you prefer something lighter, pinot grigio always goes well with grilled foods, so it pairs well with Smokey Cowboy Caviar.   (Yes, you can have wine at a Super Bowl party. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar or lives in a house with five other dudes.)

Day 3 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Citrus Marinated Warm Olives
Day 2 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Fried Chickpeas (Ceci Fritos)
Day 1 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Salted Honey Roasted Pecans

Marinated olives are one of those great snacks that look and taste like more work than they really are. Your friends might think they're at a fancy Super Bowl party, but really, you spent less time in the kitchen than the person who made Cool Whip Topped Velveeta Spam Chili with Tater Tot Crust.

You know what’s annoying?  We’re about ten days away from the Super Bowl and no one’s really talking about the game.  Paul Shirley being the douchecake we already knew he was based on his flirting with a certain former Ladies… member, Australian Open, Greg Oden’s penis, Tim Tebow’s abortion ad, Olympic protesting in Vancouver, Gilbert Arenas (still), and blah blah blah off-season baseball moves.  I certainly hope President Obama’s State of the Union addresses the sports world’s mixed-up priorities that has Xavier Nady signing with the Cubs as a bigger story than the nickle and dime defensive schemes Peyton Manning will face next weekend.

What is even more maddening is the stories that are out there about the Super Bowl are almost entirely about Super Bowl story lines and not actually about the game.   To wit -

Six Super Bowl Story Lines - USA Today
Super Bowl Subplot #1: Those Manning Boys – Deadspin
Press Coverage: Super Bowl Stories vs. Storylines – The Sporting News, Sporting Blog
Preparing you for Super Bowl XLIV, Here are 44 things you can expect to happen in the 10 days between now and kickoff. – ESPN, Page 2
Super Bowl Story Lines That You May Hear About – New York Times Fifth Down Blog (Which SBNation rebranded yesterday as Top 15 Super Bowl Story Lines You’ll Be Sick Of By The Super Bowl.)

In these posts you’ll find phrases such as “beating them into the ground” and “overhyped” to describe their own Super Bowl coverage.  As a reader, I find such posts cynical and condescending.  It is as if the author is saying, “Look, you morons insist on hearing about the Super Bowl so I am going give you the story in the most craven and superficial way I can without actually talking about the game.”

Sure, I am undercutting my entire argument because I am writing my opinion about Super Bowl coverage in a post about recipes you can use for a Super Bowl party (two things that certainly have no effect on the outcome of the actual game), but I would like to think that in my own little corner of the sports blogging world, it is more about having fun and being an engaged fan in a way that plays to my strengths.  If I wrote about all the dishes I had to do after each game, no one would ever read my site.  By telling your readers the story is boring before you get to the meat of the topic, what chance do you have of anyone reading through to the end?

Anything — sports, sex, music, cooking, writing, flying a kite, rambling on and on –  is immediately less interesting when you make it sound like a grind.  Maybe as writers and readers, we wouldn’t be so bored if the stories weren’t already framed in such a negative light.

You know what are not negative?  Olives!  Beautiful, glorious olives!

14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Citrus Marinated Warm Olives

You will need…

Don't worry if you don't have a microplane zester. You can get the same results with a plain grater if you use a light touch. Just remember, if you see the white stuff under the skin, you've gone too far. (This also can be applied to people skin and frog dissections.)

2 cups of various olives
Zest from half an orange and half a lemon
2-3 tablespoons of olive oil
2 – 3 cloves of garlic, thinly sliced
Fresh thyme, or other aromatic herbs such as rosemary or sage
Red pepper flakes (optional, but highly recommended for a touch of heat)
Fennel seeds (optional)

Other options -
Freshly shaved fennel
Coriander seeds
Cumin

A quick word about buying olives.  Often times olives are ridiculously over-priced, especially at larger chain supermarkets.  The Dallas Cowboy season tickets of the grocery world.  Pictured above are Spanish, Israeli, Greek, and US brands of olives.  Always check your store’s “ethnic” sections or local corner markets for a better price on olives before over-spending on an eight ounce jar of brine at the closest local mega-mart.  Don’t be afraid of the labels printed in languages you cannot read.  Odds are they know more about olives than most English speakers.

And those US olives?  The Lindsey Naturals?  I love them, but for some reason they cost almost $2 more at Albertsons, Ralphs and Vons than at the more upscale Gelson’s in Los Angeles.  So when you’re buying the 99 cent loss-leader blueberries, keep in mind you might spend more on another item somewhere else in the store.

(I like to think I’m the Nick Saban of grocery shopping, making three to four stops before finding a winner.)

Olive porn shot.

Drain and rinse the olives.  This is about half of each jar and can pictured above.

Olive porn shot, number 2. So few steps to this recipe, but on my camera there are approximately 300 pictures of these olives.

Over low heat, mix the olives and olive oil together.  Use just enough oil to coat the fruit.  (Yes, olives are a fruit!  Take that health nuts!)

Sexy, sexy olives.

Add the citrus zest, garlic slices, herbs, fennel seeds, red pepper flakes and stir.  Heat until the olives are warm all the way through, about four to five minutes.

Pair with citrus flavored drinks such as lemoncello martinis, margaritas, or a hefeweizen beer.  What do you mean you don’t keep lemoncello around? What if George Clooney shows up to your Super Bowl party?  How else are you going to get him drunk enough to make out with you?  Celebrating a Saints touchdown?  Well that’s a rather bold prediction, don’t you think? He might kiss Saints fan Brad Pitt after a touchdown (THEY COULD BOTH SHOW UP) and then what if the Saints only score once and no one is having any fun and if you only had some lemoncello to liven things up a bit and had you just listened to TheStarterWife in the blog post with the olive porn you’d be smooching George Clooney right now!

UPDATE –

I was so distracted by the thought of making out with George Clooney I failed to mention that you can easily make these ahead of time and serve chilled (or reheat) if you want.

Day 2 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Fried Chickpeas (Ceci Fritos)
Day 1 – 14 Days of Super Bowl Recipes: Salted Honey Roasted Pecans