There are very few rugby players these days who draw a collective gasp from a stadium or put you on the edge of your seat.

As I have explained in my earlier post, Rugby’s problem, there is little magic left in the game so I thought I would pay homage to those players who still give us those moments which take our breath away.

Mike Catt

The wily old fox can still slip on the gloves of a puppet master when needed and pull the strings in London Irish’s back line. Although 38-years-old he still has the passion and willingness to throw passes many young cubs would never dream of.

The Catt Man

Martyn Williams

The ageless Welshman is the most competent footballer operating in international rugby. As comfortable at first receiver as he is at the bottom of a ruck this golden nugget’s secret to longevity is the joy he takes in creating.

Shane Williams

Many are too quick to condemn the Welsh wizard for his shortcomings. His mesmerising side-step and turn of pace will guarantee a few moments of magic in a game and put bums on seats.

Schalk Brits

Little known to us in the northern hemisphere, but this dynamo of a hooker is tearing up teams with his outrageous goose step and jinking footwork. His appetite for the loose is refreshing in a game populated by moronic body builders in the front row.

Carlos Spencer

A true magician. This Kiwi magic-man plays from the heart and sticks two fingers to stifling game plans. When he is on fire his artistry brings rugby as close to spontaneous perfection as possible.

Brian O’Driscoll

There are few plaudits left for this man to receive.  Although he may have lost a yard of pace he still has the ability to unlock defences and his partnership with Jamie Roberts proved how truly effective he could be given the perfect foil.

Magic Team

1. Gethin Jenkins- great engine and willing in the loose (Grand Slam 2005)
2. Schalk Brits
3. The Beast- barreling runner with footwork to match (see him side stepping Stirling Mortlock)
4. Simon Shaw-last of the old school, still produces soft touches with his mighty hands.
5. Any suggestions?!
6. George Smith- past his best but a great rugby brain.
7. Martyn Williams
8. Sergio Parisse- carries Italy on his mighty shoulders every game. He can kick, pass, run. The complete player.
9. Justin Marshall- still has the energy to inspire a team from behind the scrum.
10. Carlos Spencer
11. Shane Williams
12. Regan King- the smoothest centre operating in the northern hemisphere. His talent is wasted at the Scarlets.
13. Brian O’Driscoll
14. David Lemi- mazy runner capable of running rings round an enitre team. Watch this try against Bath.
15. Maxime Medard- willing to attack from anywhere on the pitch, playing with an infectious joie de vivre

And here, for nostalgia, is the reason why we play rugby. Cliff Morgan, former player and commentator, said it: “If the greatest writer of the written word would have written that story no one would have believed it. That really was something.”

The Greatest try of all time

Men Are Just Happier People

I received a forwarded mail from a friend today, titled Men Are Just Happier People– What do you expect from such simple creatures?  There can’t be a better day to read this than today, when i sat wondering why do i  only cry so much. These doesn’t find an answer for me but surely makes it worse and adds some jealously. Enjoy reading…till then i will find who decided that i will be a girl? I really want to meet that Man.. it starts here….

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can never be pregnant.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
• People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
• New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Yay! A response to one of a gajillion forwardies going around that make me wanna gnaw on lead pipes full of asbestos. I’ve gotten all of them, at least once each from my 3 best friends and twice each from my dad.

Crazy Christian Chain Emails

How is it that a 15 year old child can see what Adults are missing?

WRITTEN
BY A 15 yr. Old SCHOOL KID IN ARIZONA
:

New Pledge of Allegiance (TOTALLY AWESOME) !
Since the Pledge of Allegiance
And The Lord’s Prayer
Are not allowed in most Public schools anymore
Because the word ‘God’ is mentioned….
A kid in Arizona wrote this

NEW School prayer :
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That’s no offense; it’s a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God’s name is prohibited by the state.
We’re allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks..
They’ve outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the ‘unwed daddy,’ our Senior King.
It’s ‘inappropriate’ to teach right from wrong,
We’re taught that such ‘judgments’ do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It’s scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school’s a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
If you aren’t ashamed to do this,
Please pass this on.
Jesus said, ‘If you are ashamed of me,
I will be ashamed of you before my Father.’

Not ashamed.

Joseph calls this email “…a complaint about Christians not being allowed to nag other people for their body piercings and other important matters.” Spot on, dude. I’d say it reveals the massive sense of entitlement a lot of Christians have from having been the favored group for so long. They’re spoiled, and like most spoiled people throwing their asses in the air about having to share for once, they can be very childish. Let’s look at this thing, shall we?

WRITTEN
BY A 15 yr. Old SCHOOL KID IN ARIZONA

First off, I’m calling bullshit on this one. If a teenager really wrote this, they either had tons of “help” from an adult or are the lamest teenager ever. The word choice is not that of a young person. At least, not one from this century.

New Pledge of Allegiance (TOTALLY AWESOME) !

Nuh-uh.

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule

No it’s not. Really.

If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.

Now? The Bill of Rights was written over 200 years ago, and mandatory prayer/scripture recitation in public school always been a violation of the establishment clause. It just hasn’t been enforced as such until relatively recently.

And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.

No it doesn’t. If your school makes you, then it is. If you want to pray on your own or with a group of friends outside of class time, that’s totally legal and, as long as you’re not disrupting others, they can’t stop you. You know, freedom scene and all that.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That’s no offense; it’s a freedom scene.

Actually, some schools have had dress codes prohibiting hair dyed unnatural colors. I don’t have any stats off-hand to back that up, but if my high school tried to do it in the 90s, there had to have been others doing the same thing. Totally off-topic, but our administration’s reasoning was that hair dyed colors like green and blue was associated with gang activity. Because our rural Kansas town had such a big gang problem. Student Council went to the school board and got the rule changed, so the one person who had been suspended because of the rule (who was an Alternative guy, not in a gang) could come back to school with his hair green.

For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.

And heaven forbid (pun intended) we should try to be respectful of others at school. I mean, if someone wants to dress up in a Klan outfit and chase around their African-American classmates with a noose, they totally could, right? Freedom scene, no? No? Okay, then. Adolescence is hard enough without being singled out on a daily basis for not believing the same thing as most of the people around you.

We’re allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks..

Again, dress codes. And in what high school are students allowed to just swear any old time? Shit, my high school was pretty lenient (open lunch, no hall passes, off-campus classes and work release that meant there were usually people coming and going in their vehicles and wandering around the school at all times) and we still had that rule. Plus, anyone who would write this is not someone I’d trust to discern what “dress[ing] like freaks” means.

They’ve outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.

Wait. The writer is saying it’s a bad thing that teenagers in high school can’t go around carrying guns on their persons like vigilantes? The Old West wasn’t that much fun, and I’ll bet Laura Ingalls never let her students come into the one-room schoolhouse armed with revolvers. And again, the Bible isn’t banned.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the ‘unwed daddy,’ our Senior King.

Please. Everybody knows the popular kids get abortions.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,

Birth controls? And if these schools are just giving out contraceptives, why do we have pregnant Senior Queens? Use that shit, kids!

Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.

I think the writer has mistaken learning about something for being taught to accept that thing as a religious belief. Totem poles are a legitimate part of any comprehensive (North) American history class, and there are any number of books, plays, and short stories about vampires and witchcraft that could be included in an English course. For that matter, the Bible can be taught about (as long as it’s not being preached) in a literature or history class. Again, just learning about something doesn’t mean it has to become an integral part of one’s belief system. Also, vampires are imaginary.

It’s scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school’s a mess.

Actually, schools seem to be less lenient these days than they used to be.

So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!

Two things:
1- I thought you said they’d banned guns.
2- If I get shot, what I’d really like is to be taken to a hospital and be operated on and/or sewn up and survive, not for “the Lord my soul to take.” It’s entirely possible to survive being shot; ask 50 Cent.

If you aren’t ashamed to do this,
Please pass this on.

That again.

Jesus said,
‘If you are ashamed of me,
I will be ashamed of you before my Father.’

Yep, that too.

Not
ashamed.

Okay. We get it. Stop.

Okay, how many times have I had to say this, and in how many ways? When you are asked to respect others’ beliefs/practices/hairdos/whatever, that doesn’t mean that you’re being discriminated against. Having to give up your unearned privilege does not mean you’re being picked on; it means you’re playing by the same rules as everyone else for once. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes, blah blah blah. Score, people:

Untrue/unprovable/just plain dodgy statements presented as fact
Seriously, learn the fucking law pertaining to the First Amendment. If you need help, the ACLU will be glad to let you know all about the issue.
Out of the Mouths of Babes
If this was actually written by a fifteen-year-old, I’ll eat my non-existent hat.
Pass This Along- If You Aren’t Ashamed
Over and over.

More to come, because it makes me feel better.

]]> http://funforwards.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/pencils/ Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:37:15 +0000 funforwards http://funforwards.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/pencils/

I receive and forward a lot of email jokes. I’m pretty well known among my friends for being a nexus for humour. But in my years of reading emailed jokes, I have observed that there are many people out there who really don’t understand how to tell a joke well. I’ve had to edit quite a few just to un-kill them. So I’ve decided to give some advice for those who want to write down some joke they recently heard to send around. Please read this and heed these pointers if you want to be funny.

Don’t overwrite it. This is really a cardinal sin. Good humour is direct and doesn’t wallow in attempts to be descriptive. Include things that are relevant, but as much as possible, let details of personality and attitude come out through the actions and speech. Don’t stack on adverbs (words that end in ly, for instance) and prepositional phrases, and don’t describe irrelevant details. Don’t say “Please tell us your story, Nancy,” the teacher said, knowing how endearing little girls’ stories can be if you can say The teacher suppressed a smile. “Please tell us your story, Nancy.” Don’t say The aging cowpoke tucked in delightedly into the steaming chili (seriously, aging cowpoke?) if you can say The old cowboy chowed down (add and made short work of the chili if it seems necessary). Jokes are like cartoons; don’t try to be like Rembrandt, because you probably aren’t anwyay (and if you are, you know all this already).

Try to use the right punctuation. Jokes can survive with bad punctuation, but they’re less impeded with the right marks. Perhaps most importantly, you only need three dots to trail off, not ten… if you need to trail off at all, that is. Make an effort to use apostrophes correctly, but if you find them confusing, then when in doubt, leave it out. Likewise, if you’re not completely sure about semicolons, then don’t use them (it’s a joke, anyway, not a term paper). And if you’re in Canada or the US, as you probably are, quotation marks are double – “like these” – not single – ‘like these’ – unless they’re quotes within quotes (He said, “No, I said ‘a cunning array of stunts.’”)

Don’t overuse exclamation marks. This really goes with the point above, but it’s important enough to stand on its own. You can use exclamation marks, but only where people are shouting things or saying them emphatically. Otherwise it’s like laughing at your own jokes. And laughing at your own jokes makes other people laugh at them less.

Don’t screw up your tenses. It’s just amazing how often this happens: a joke starts in the past tense and then flips into the present, or, perhaps more often, vice versa. My default tense for jokes is the present: it gives a better sense of immediacy. Compare These three guys are walking down the street, and one sees a lamp with Three guys were walking down the street, and one saw a lamp. I’m not saying past tense is never good; sometimes it works better. But don’t switch from one to the other unless you really are describing something that was in the past and is now in the present.

Don’t shy away from rude language. Obviously, how rude is rude depends on who you’re sending the joke to, but some jokes are kind of lame if they use terms that are too soft. Don’t have a sweet little girl say As soon as those jerks at the lumber yard give us the friggin’ two-by-fours when the humour relies on her having learned a bunch of really vulgar words from a construction crew. This applies at milder levels, too: don’t say boobs when you can say tits, for instance – if you’re going to be rude, be as rude as you can justify. (Oh, side point: I’m so tired of “humour” that assumes that all guys like huge tits or that guys want blow jobs more than they want any other kind of sexual encounter. Seriously, what?)

Don’t overuse rude language. Oddly, at least from my perspective, this is rarely a problem with emails I get, which is quite opposite to stand-up comedians, who do tend to use vulgarities so much they lose their effectiveness. But generally, the cruder a word, the less you should use of it because the less you need to use of it. Jokes about sweet little kids often have a well-placed vulgarity in the punch line; with rare exception (such as the joke about the kid who’s been hanging out with construction workers), it only takes one.

Don’t try to milk the ending. Just slip the punch line in out of the blue. Don’t jam in a bunch of exclamation marks, and especially don’t do this: He said……. [three line spaces] Oooooohhhh, you’re gonna love this………. [four line spaces] Wait for it…………….. [five line spaces] That’s not my dog!!!!!!!!!! This is probably the lamest thing you could possibly do, and one of the surest ways to kill a joke. It’s like laughing at your own jokes, about which see above. The rule for humour (as for many other things) is under-promise and over-deliver, not the other way around.

Stop at the punch line. Really. Once the character says the thing you’ve been building up to, that’s it. It’s over. It does not matter what happened next. After the cute little kid says something shocking in class, don’t say The teacher fainted or The teacher had to leave the room or It took the teacher twenty minutes to calm the class down. This is like laughing at your own joke. See above about that. And if the punch line is “I dinna say her name is ‘Spindona,’ ah telt ye IT’S PINNED OAN HER,” don’t say And so it was – Mary Sue! You’re not relating something that happened to you, you’re telling a joke. And jokes end at the punch line.

Don’t try to convert a joke on one sex to a joke on the other at the end. This is an extension of the point above. If the joke builds up to, for instance, a guy saying something sexist – e.g., If I lock a woman and a dog in my trunk for an hour, you tell me which one will be happy to see me when I open it – what he says, however little you may like it, is the punch line. Don’t tack on He will be released from the hospital in three weeks or His funeral is next Friday or something else that suggests that a guy who says sexist things will be physically or emotionally abused by his wife or girlfriend. If you don’t like sexist jokes, just don’t tell them; don’t try to reverse the direction of sexism.

Don’t tell people to forward it. This is extremely lame. It makes me want to delete a joke when I see something inane such as Send this to all the smart women you know – and the men who can handle it. It’s a joke, not an opportunity for you to feel superior or to claim (outside of the assumptions of the joke) some superiority for your sex. Let me say again: Stop at the punch line. That’s it. No, I mean stop.

Don’t add excrescent little pictures. These waste bandwidth, they don’t always come through well, and they don’t add anything. A joke is not made funnier by a picture of someone in a rocking chair (unless the picture is the joke or the joke somehow comments on it) or an animated cartoon of a cat laughing or whatever. Seriously, do you need little sticky pictures in every page of every book you read, too? What are we, in grade two here?

And especially don’t add music and/or stick it in a PowerPoint. Why do I even need to say this? Music wastes bandwidth and many people don’t like having it erupt unbidden from their speakers (especially at work, which is where many people read these things). If the music is the joke, then link to it or make it a clickable file. And especially don’t take the joke, stick it on top of a bunch of unnecessary pictures, add unnecessary music, and stuff it all into a PowerPoint. This wastes time and bandwidth and just makes it all annoying. Really, do you think that a joke told in person is funnier if you put on a clown’s nose, wave your hands, hold up pictures, and play a little tune on your phone in the background? (Hint: NO.)

Don’t give away the punch line in the title. When composing the subject line of the email, avoid mentioning anything to do with the punch line. Refer only to aspects of the situation evident in the beginning of the joke. Oddly, many people don’t seem to think about this. They’ll put, say, Saint Finger in the subject line of a joke that ends “And when you get to the pearly gates,” the priest said, “Saint Finger will point his Peter at you!” or they’ll put A triple greeting in the subject line of the joke What did the British policeman say when he found his wife in bed with two men? “‘Ullo, ‘ullo, ‘ullo!”

Don’t stick a bunch of unrelated jokes together. Send jokes one at a time. If you have several on the same topic – for instance, the military, or lawyers – you can put them together. But don’t pile together a variety of jokes that have no common theme. Among other things, the person who receives them may later want to forward one of the jokes and may not be able to find it. Anyway, brevity is the soul of wit. Keep the emails on the short and punchy side.

Don’t number things unnecessarily. Some humorous emails include, for instance, things to say to a woman with PMS, or things heard in a courtroom. There is no good reason for numbering these. If there is an order implied, or a ranking, or if you say, for instance, 7. You didn’t notice that there is no item 5, then numbering is necessary. Otherwise, it’s just a distraction. In case you haven’t been paying attention so far, let me be perfectly clear: Don’t include unnecessary stuff in your jokes.

I’m now wandering farther into the territory of forwarding things – quotes, videos, etc. – as opposed to actually writing jokes, but I might as well include these pointers because they are generally directed to the same people.

Don’t be redundant. If you’re forwarding a funny video, don’t describe the video. One I’ve gotten a couple of times recently is an ad involving a Finnish auctioneer. It doesn’t need in introduction; just title it Auction and you’re ready (and don’t title it A smashing sale because that gives away the punchline). But someone decided to introduce it in the body of the email with something on the order of It is an auction house somewhere in Italy. The auctioneer speaks rapid Italian but the meaning is clear. The bidding proceeds rapidly and escalates quickly. Finally it stalls at one million euros! But when the winner is declared, something astonishing happens. By now you should recognize that this is wrong on many levels. Why tell most of the joke in advance, and not very competently? If the meaning is clear (and in fact the video has English titles), no need to say what’s going on. This is trying to milk it, and it can do no other than weaken the effect.

Get your facts straight. Did you notice, just above, that I said it was a Finnish video and the unnecessary introduction said it was in Italian? An understandable error from someone who knows neither language – they can sound similar on a superficial level – but the video is an ad and mentions a .fi site at the end, so it doesn’t really take a comparative linguist to get that detail. Locations, languages, and similar details are surprisingly often screwed up in reference to forwarded pictures and videos. Some people won’t notice, but will come away misinformed; others will notice and the effect on them will probably not be positive. Sometimes getting your facts wrong won’t matter, but if it does, the effect is always negative. Likewise, don’t use words incorrectly. Don’t call a grizzled old cowboy a cowpoke, for instance.

Don’t misattribute. This goes with the above. Before you send around a quotation that you think was said by this person or that, do what you can to check it. Simply seeing that someone else says it was this or that person really isn’t enough; who says they checked it? Mark Twain, H.L. Mencken, and George Carlin have quite a lot of stuff attributed to them that they never said. Above all, if you’re not sure who said something, don’t just decide who it must have been and say so. And if you see something attributed to one person and you just wish it had been said by another one, don’t simply attribute it to that other person. It amazes met that I even need to say this, but there really are people out there who seem to think they can make something true just by saying it’s true. If you happen to be one of those people, be aware that I want quite a variety of awful, humiliating, disgusting things to be true about you; think of how you would feel if I were to say they are true.

Don’t think a silly story is a real story. There are a variety of rather inane accounts about the origins of certain phrases being passed around – trench mouth, raining cats and dogs, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey, etc. – that were made up as silly jokes but that people keep thinking are true accounts. It’s extraordinarily easy to double-check these things; www.worldwidewords.org and www.snopes.com are two good sites for fact checking. And don’t say “Well, it’s so funny, it should be true!” That just makes you one of those amazing people I mentioned in the previous paragraph, and I am even now thinking horrible things about you. Also, just so everyone knows for sure, The Onion is a satirical newspaper. “News items” in it are jokes. They are not real.

Trim off the headers and footers. Most importantly, remove all the email addresses in the “From,” “To,” and “CC” fields. Someone somewhere down the line might get their email address book raided by a trojan, or someone might post the joke on the web without trimming it (for shame!), and then all these people will have their email addresses spammed just that much more. Plus it’s visual clutter – who really wants to scroll past a couple of screens of strangers’ names? We also don’t need the footer of the person who sent it to you. Odds are they just forwarded it, too, so no point in their being treated as the author. (Thanks to Sheila Protti for reminding me of this point.)

OK, I think that about covers it. If I think of anything else, I’ll come back and add it. I haven’t numbered these because there’s no need to, and because that way I can slip more in surreptitiously if I want.

Funniest Forward!!!

A book called “Disorder in the American Courts” , and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS : Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS : Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________________
— And the best for last: —
ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

    

Here is the email verbatim that my mom sent me this week . . . 

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn`t buy one.
If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn`t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he’s in labor, and then sues.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a black man or Hispanic are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down and out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he’s “offended.”

When I received this email, I immediately began composing a fiery response, which, to my credit, I deleted and replaced with a simple “Come on, you’re better critical thinkers than that.” I also mentioned that I forwarded it to some of my liberal friends, so we could also have a laugh to make that last item false.

Of course, lots on this list is false, or at least very, very simplified. For example, most of the liberals I know don’t want FOX News to go anywhere, if only because Glenn Beck’s theatrics are better than telenovelas and we love the way The Daily Show exposes FOX’s tricks, like using old crowd footage to make it appear that thousands of people turned out for a healthcare rally and Sarah Palin’s book signings.

Normally, email forwards from my mother don’t hurt my feelings. In fact, usually when I get a forwarded email, I look up whatever the message is on snopes.com and then hit ‘reply all’ with the link. Or Imight instead send a simple message like “there is no such thing as Obamacare.” But this particular email, with the message on the top added by my mother: ”This shows the difference in our thinking,” did kind of hurt.

Our relationship has often been difficult. We clashed early and often as I was growing up. We both try to get along, but it seems that we’re never giving the same amount of effort at the same time. I’m a complicated person, as are most people (of all political affiliations, I feel). I am quick to judge and I have more than my far share of sass, But in my defense, instead of thinking of me as I am (writer, teacher, thinker, compassionate person, occasional philanthropist, a woman in her thirties who’s spent time since the Reagan administration analyzing her positions) my mother sees me, according to this email forward, as these things: whiny, greedy, doctrinaire, litigious, and slimy.

How can she chat with me on the phone, cheerfully tell me she loves me as we hang up, and then send me this email the very next day?

I can only reply to most of these sweeping generalizations with “Well, I only want certain guns, like assault rifles, harder to get” (really, does anyone need a machine gun? really?) or, “I’ve never sued anyone,” and “I can’t speak for all liberals, but I see Afghanistan as much more complicated than either winning at all costs or backing out slowly with our tails between our legs.” However, I admit that there are things on this list that are true for this particular liberal. For example, when I was newly vegetarian I was very obnoxious about it. I never wanted meat to be illegal (veal maybe, but not meat in general) but I did indeed lecture people, I made vats of vegetarian chili to bring to cook-outs hoping to fill people up before the burgers were off the grill. But I’ve always been much more annoying in my anti-smoking crusade, to tell you the truth. After a year or maybe less of a vegetarian lifestyle, I chilled out and pretty much decided that people could eat whatever they wanted as long as they didn’t try to force me to eat to their preferences.

(A sidenote: the people who are rudest to vegetarians are generally the ones who feel guilty about eating meat, often times failed veggies themselves. Once, the daughter of a South Dakota rancher found my presence offensive, as if I had spit on her family photos by not eating meat. Another sidenote: my mom used to sneak meat into my food, such as lying to me that the potatoes were not made with chicken broth. She also used to make me go to church when she knew I was an atheist. She couldn’t live and let live, and really, that turns numbers one and two back on her as a conservative, don’t you think?)

Another point that reflects on me is the one about health insurance. I’ll admit it; it’s true. I want a public option so that I don’t have to have a full time job to get health benefits. I was laid off in June and have only been able to work part time. (My parents, btw, are on social security and Medicare. Interesting that people with socialized medicine are against it for the rest of us). I’m worried about losing my COBRA. But this conviction is not just for me: I think everyone should be covered because I don’t think healthcare is a privilege, like a driver’s or a gun license . It’s a right. And interestingly, I’ve noticed that poor people pay taxes. Now really, do you have to be a liberal to prefer seeing your neighbors able to take their kids to the doctor over seeing crooked bankers take home millions in bonuses? Or millions of taxpayer dollars lost on a pallet somewhere in Iraq? Are these just liberal preferences?

I’m struck by the double-standard stereotyping in this list. I mean, usually the Right paints liberals as Hollywood types, snooty academics, or wealthy Eastcoasters, out of touch with reality. But in this list, liberals are poor, whiny takers waiting for handouts. Don’t try to have it both ways, Righties: consistency is step one towards selling people on your point. Color the enemy one way for clarity. And if you’re going to stereotype liberals, it makes more sense to go with the original– it is an established fact that liberalism goes up with one’s level of education.

I’m also struck by some of the assumptions in this list. For example: ”If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.”

So the assumptions are that gay conservatives live under the radar *by choice*. It also suddenly turns demanding respect into a bad thing. I was always taught that the only way to gain respect is to deserve and demand it. This statement also assumes that you have to be liberal to want gay rights. Plus, it also assumes that only gay people fight for gay rights. Not true, as shown by this awesome kid in Arkansas. These are the extreme views that so many members of the GOP are fighting against. Ask Meghan McCain if you have to be gay or liberal to believe in gay rights (which is really just a more specific way of saying “human rights”). Actually, you don’t have to ask her. I’ll show you right here what she said about it in her most recent column, found in its entirety here at The Daily Beast:

The problem I have with my fellow Republicans is why gay marriage is the trump card in any situation. It seems that as long as you are against gay marriage, any scandal in your life can be overlooked or overcome. When you are in favor of it, however—and I have been very vocal about my support—that position defines you.

The Bruins are 1/4 of the way through the season. Time to reflect on the first part of the season and grade them accordingly.

Believe it or not, The Bruins are already 1/4th of the way through the season with their 4-3 SO win in Atlanta.  They currently stand at 9-8-4 with 22 points in 21 games, good for 11th in the conference and third in the conference.

The Bruins’ injuries have played a big part in the first quarter of the season, as Marc Savard, Milan Lucic, Byron Bitz, Dennis Wideman, David Krecji, and Shawn Thornton have all missed some time because of injuries or illness.

Anyways, here are the grades for the Bruins:

Forwards

C Steve Begin- Begin has been a great surprise for many Bruins fans.  His grit and toughness have been known, but many fans didn’t know that he bring some offense to the table.  Begin has 2-7-9 points in 21 games and 13 penalty minutes.  Begin has had two multi-point games already, a pleasant surprise for a fourth line center.  I compared him to Stephane Yelle before the season but it has become evident that Begin is an upgrade in almost every area over Yelle.  Begin’s 9 points but him on pace to smash Yelle’s 2008-2009 point total of 18 points.  GRADE: A

C Patrice Bergeron- Bergeron has bared the brunt of the load following Marc Savard and Milan Lucic’s injuries.  He has 6-7-13 points through 21 games, and despite being a -4 he has been a key component on special teams.  Through 21 games last season Bergeron posted 4-9-13 points.  Last year Bergeron was able to recover from his injuries by being a role player and secondary scorer, but this year he has had to step up and become a leader and a guy to depend on for scoring.  GRADE: A-

RW Byron Bitz- Bitz has been a part of the Begin-Thornton-Bitz fourth line that has played the most consistently for Claude Julien over the first part of the season.  Although he has missed three games due to injury, he has established himself as a guy who is going to stay on the roster for the long haul.  He’s posted just 2-1-3 points, but he’s not really counted on for goal scoring.  His forechecking and aggressive play have improved in his second year.  I do expect him to improve in the scoring department as he finds his legs in his second season. GRADE: B

C David Krejci- Krejci has gotten off to a slow start because of surgery, and later the swine flu.  Due to these hindrances  he has gotten off to a slow start on the score-sheet, posting just 2-7-9 point.  By not participating in the preseason, and then fighting off the flu, Krejci has had to find his legs two separate times this season.  Through 19 games last season Krejci posted 4-8-12 points including a 3 point game against Buffalo.  Krejci has been streaky this year, not gaining a point until his fifth game, and then riding a six game pointless drought before his recent three game point streak.  The three game point streak indicates that Krejci might be finding the groove that he displayed last year when he ended the season with 22-51-73 points as the second pivot.  GRADE: IC (but if I had to grade him C+)

LW Milan Lucic- Lucic has played in just seven games this year due to a finger injury.  Lucic posted 3 assists in six games before returning on November 19th against Atlanta.  Lucic was signed to an extension early this year which indicates how valuable he is to the Bruins future.  Lucic improved from 27 points in 2007-2008 to 42 points in 2008-2009 and should keep improving over the course of the year.  If Lucic continues to average a 0.5 points per game he should end up in the 40’s for points this year despite missing 14 games already.  GRADE: IC

F Brad Marchand- Marchand, along with Sobotka, was one of the first players called up from Providence this year in lieu of injuries.  Marchand played in 12 games and got 1 assist but played beyond the score-sheet.  He filled in on multiple lines this year and has started to find his place in the offense lately.  Marchand may get sent back to Providence when Savard comes back, he has been a healthy scratch lately, but should be one of the first guys called back up if injury occurs.  GRADE: B

LW Daniel Paille- Paille was acquired in a trade just two weeks into the season, right after Chuck Kobasew was traded.  Paille brought with him speed and skills on the penalty-kill.  He struggled to find his offensive touch in his first few games as a Bruins but has put up 2-4-6 points in 14 games as a Bruin.  He’s been a nice fit as a role player and should get better as the season continues.  There isn’t much expected from him in terms of scoring, and a lot of the time those guys are the ones who surprise you.  GRADE: C

RW Mark Recchi- Old Man Recchi has begun his first full season as a Bruin with 3-6-9 in 21 games.  Recchi has been decent for the Bruins.  He, like the rest of the team during the time, went cold during the Bruins futile losing streak.  He has also just begun to go to the front of the net and try to tip goals home.  Savard’s upcoming return should land Recchi more opportunities on the power-play but up to this point he has struggled to find his role on offense.  GRADE: C

RW Michael Ryder- Ryder is tied for the lead in goals with Patrice Bergeron thanks to a two-goal night against Atlanta.  Ryder has been Ryder, meaning he gets hot just as much as he gets cold, going 6-3-9 points.  Ryder has points in only six games but three of those efforts have resulted in two point nights.  Ryder should get more consistent on the score-sheet with the return of  Savard whether it be as a linemate or a quarterback on the power-play. GRADE: B

C Marc Savard- Savard has played in only seven games this season because of a broken foot but has posted 4-3-7 points in that time while playing with the injury.  It’s no surprise that the Bruins offense has faltered since he has left the lineup, Savard makes the offense go, period.  It’s also no surprise that the power-play ranks 29th with 13.9%.  Savard’s first seven games were very promising as the center mixed goals and assists almost equally.  Savard’s upcoming return should get the team rolling.  GRADE: IC (A through first seven games)

F Vladimir Sobotka- Sobotka, like Marchand, has been a nice surprise for the Bruins.  Sobotka was one of the first guys called up from Providence when the Bruins injury bug hit.  Sobotka is looking to be a more permanent part of the team as he was in 2007-2008 when he played in 48 games.  The following year he played in just 25 games for the big club.  He’s posted 1-2-3 in 14 games but has played a gritty enough game to stay in the lineup as Lucic returned.  GRADE: B+

LW Marco Sturm- Sturm is tied for second on the team with 5 goals along with 5 assists for 10 points.  Sturm missed 3/4 of last year due to injury.  he posted 7-6-13 in 19 games last year and looks like he can be a primary scorer if he stays healthy, and that is a big ‘if’.  Sturm has been one of the most consistent Bruins and should be one of the greatest benefactors when Savard returns, especially on the power-play.  GRADE: B+

LW Shawn Thornton- Thornton has posted 1-2-3 points in 19 games for the Bruins.  His most important statistic is his 47 penalty minutes, most of which have been a result of Lucic’s injury.  Thronton has played as expected this year and has found a partner in Steve Begin.  The two have been a part of the most effective forechecking line for the Bruins and have improved greatly over last years fourth line.  GRADE B+

RW Blake Wheeler-  Wheels hasn’t shown a sophomore slump like Bobby Ryan or Calder winner Steve Mason.  Wheeler is tied with Sturm for second on the team with 5 goals, he also has 6 assists for 11 points in 21 games.  Wheeler has scored his share of goals while Krejci has been trying to find his legs.  The combination should only get better as the two begin to gel.  Wheeler has been slumping lately, scoring just once in Novemeber (nine games).  GRADE: B

Amazing analogy! Makes you pause & think….. to all my friends do read even if you’re busy have you not heard about the phrase “Stop and Smell the Flower”

This is something to think about: 4 BOYFRIENDS

She loved the 4th boyfriend the most and adored him with rich robes and treated him to the finest of* ** * delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best.

She also loved the 3rd boyfriend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another.

She also loved her 2nd boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult* * times.

And your 1st boyfriend is your Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.

However, your Soul is the only thing that will follow you where ever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you that will follow you to the throne of God and continue with you throughout Eternity.

Thought for the day:Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you’re in the perfect position to pray.

I hope this touched you!

I received yet another email forward from someone who I think highly of though said person (heretofore to be known as “Forwarder”) seems not to think too highly about these forwards. About a week ago I received an email from Forwarder about how some coins do not say “In God We Trust” anymore. The email implored me to think about this nation’s Christian values and not support the government who has taken God off our coins. Today I received a forward of a letter to the editor written by a physician about the problem with Medicare. Taken separately, I have much to say about each forward. Taken together… well, that’s the source of yet another soapbox.

Forward 1: God and Our Coins

I do not need my coin to say “In God We Trust” if I am a true follower of Christ. Judge a man not by his words, but by his actions. If I believe in Christ I am mandated to follow His word by my actions. The actions of placing “In God We Trust” on our money goes against, in my opinion, the foundations that Jesus taught. At what point did Jesus go seeking money? Promise money? Place any importance on money? How does combining an omnipotent, omniscient God with a symbol of material wealth make me Christian? It doesn’t. When I help my neighbor, I am acting in Christian accord. When I try to feed and clothe the homeless, I am following Jesus Christ’s teachings. I do not need to carry a coin made by a complete stranger to say that I have values that adhere to any religion.

That brings up another great question. Do I need to be a Christian to act Christian? Certainly not. Calling oneself a Christian also does not make one actually Christian. It’s interesting to hear people try to guess my religious leanings because they believe certain things based on what they hear about my political views. I think it’s interesting that people who think it’s important to have God on currency think that’s a sign of good values. God, if there is one, has nothing to do with cash. Cash has everything to do with humanity.

BTW, it was under the influence of McCarthyism that Congress added “under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance and do we truly think he behaved in a Christian way? “Judge not, lest ye be judged” and all, right?!?

Forward 2: Medicare and Gold Teeth

There are several places one can find this but this one gets right to the article:

http://spotlight.vitals.com/2009/10/dr-roger-starner-jones-muses-crisis-culture/

It is truly a letter that was written to the Clarion Ledger, a Mississippi newspaper, about a patient he cared (I use the term loosely in this case) who had a gold tooth, cellphone, smoking habit and apparently drank beer. She also had Medicare. Interestingly, his first bone of contention is that she’s a Black American.

The first thing that I absolutely love about this email is that it states that this article should be in every paper. Well, perhaps if this one patient represented the TENS OF MILLIONS Medicare recipients, perhaps it would be(for more information about who REALLY uses Medicare, how about trying to ask the source here http://www.medicareadvocacy.org/FAQ_QuickStats.htm). Instead, Jones takes the time to “not help but notice” that this one patient, who he finds quite distasteful, is on Medicare.

I’m not saying the system is perfect. Are there people who get it who probably don’t deserve it? Sure. Just as there are those who cannot get it who do. Why do I take this so personally? Because this is about people. You might be surprised, dear Forwarder, to know that people you respect have sought Medicare. After an insurance company dropped a friend of mine from their coverage, despite a contract, a friend of mine was unable to get coverage elsewhere. She has been insulin dependent since the age of four. Her pre-exisiting condition has nothing to do with any voluntary vices. She is also caring for two children as a single mother. In fact, the majority of people who use Medicare are the elderly, the disabled, and single mothers. Again, see that website I’ve listed if you don’t believe me.

Forward Issue: Don’t Call Yourself Christian and Spread this About

My issue is that the same sender of the Medicare email sends me what Forwarder considers to be Christian-based information. If that were the case, we would neither judge the gold-toothed cell-phone carrying patient nor deny her healthcare. John 12:47 states “… I came not to judge the world, but to save the world” and, if Forwarder wants to be a Christian, Forwarder ought to think about that.

Jones thinks his patient has a sense of entitlement but has he examined his own? He thinks he is more entitled to his piece of the pie because he fits into the dominant culture. Perhaps if we helped each other more, we could help people help themselves get off Medicare but then again, that might actually be a good thing to do. Instead, we can just forward these emails and try to persuade people to follow our political agenda because we are so full of words, not action.

As for Forwarder, I have emailed my reply. The response: “Oh, I didn’t even read what it said. I just sent it on.” Hmmm. There’s some action.

I can usually spot ‘em. You know who you are and you might even be one.

It’s the joke-forwarders. They send you religious jokes, forwards about non-existent kidnappings and pictures of kittens. No one wants these jokes, that is no one with any class. Everyone cares about lost children, but these are children that don’t exist. And as much as I like kittens, who cares, really? I will or will not be hanging on with my own volition. Does anyone really get encouraged by a scruffy cat hanging on to a tree limb with a terrified look on her face? No? Right! Not one.

These people are intelligent, and more forwarders are pretty smart than not. But I can usually spot them. There is something about them… I don’t know what it is, but I can tell. But this time I didn’t, and almost daily and more than that some time I get the dreaded, in-box stuffing.

Please stop sending the world forwards! It doesn’t waste trees, but it wastes your brain cells and soon you will be looking for Knight Rider re-runs. You will drink endless amounts of Mountain Dew (My Uncle used to carry around a three liter bottle of Mountain Dew, similar to the way others carry water bottles). You will eat copious amounts of taco bell.

Stop now, before it’s too late!

If this video doesn’t make you cry, you may be a tin man:

I found the video through ‘Austin Gun Rights Examiner’ Howard Nemerov’s article about how gun control at Fort Hood allowed Nidal Hasan to take so many lives.