Leslie William Nielsen

“A parachute not opening… that’s a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine… having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that’s the way I wanna go!”
- Lt. Frank Drebin

Imagine that, on the day you die, the above quote represents the legacy you’ve left behind. You should be so lucky.

On Sunday, November 28th, 2010, the world lost Leslie William Nielsen after 84 hilarious years. Well, it’s hard to say how funny Nielsen was in his formative years growing up in Saskatchewan and the Northwest Territories, but he gave the last 60 years of his life to entertaining generations of fans and their families.

Nielsen, though he appeared in countless television shows and films over those six decades, will be remembered most for his starring turns in the television show Police Squad and the Airplane/Naked Gun films. And anyone who has seen even one of those performances knows exactly why.

The thing about Nielsen’s Airplane/Naked Gun films is that the comedy was as silly as it comes, but not stupid or pointless silly. It was clever and witty with puns galore and some great (and sometimes subtle) physical gags. However, because of the nature of the films, it’s sometimes easy to overlook just how brilliant a comedic actor Nielsen was.

Comedy, for anyone who has ever written or performed it, is NOT easy. Making people laugh is a tall order. Making them laugh consistently for decades is even taller. It isn’t just any actor who could take relatively similar material like the Police Squad/Airplane/Naked Gun films and keep it fresh and engaging with each successive performance.

A younger Nielsen

Whenever I’ve written comedies for the stage, I’ve always searched for actors who could portray my characters as Nielsen did – as if unzipping them, stepping in and wearing each one like a finely-tailored suit. Casting a comedy is every bit as difficult and critical as casting a drama and the actors who do comedy well are not to be forgotten within the lexicon of dramatic legends like Marlon Brando, Jimmy Stewart and Katherine Hepburn. Nielsen, however, almost betrayed his own brilliance and legacy by making comedy look too easy.

In truth, as icons such as Johnny Carson, Lucille Ball, George Carlin or

Woody Allen, to name a few, did, Nielsen not only perfected his craft but he came to actually define the style of comedy he delivered so flawlessly. Watch Emilio Estevez in Loaded Weapon, Charlie Sheen in Major League, or Armand Assante in Fatal Instinct to name a few Nielsen-esque film impersonators. You’ll see that, while those films range from hilarious to so-so, no one does that style of comedy in every way – verbal, physical and, indeed, dramatic – like Leslie.

Nielsen, typically humble, once attributed his success to the fact that “They’ve been cutting back on real actors for a long time.” Sure, the Airplane/Naked Gun movies aren’t exactly high art, but imagine those films being made today. Who could possibly star in them and create what Nielsen did? Will Ferrell is a perfect example of how difficult it is to establish your comedic forte and maintain it for the duration of a career.

Nielsen began as a dramatic actor, but he devoted the better part of his life to giving us an opportunity to stop and share a laugh. Because of him I’ve always wanted to see a baseball umpire dance when he calls a strike. I’ve always wanted to try and rub the birthmark off of Gorbachev’s head. I’m always tempted to see if I can spear a fish in an aquarium with a pen. I always think of him, not Patrick Swayze, when I see someone molding pottery on that spinning apparatus.

In closing, I’ve posted an assortment of some of my favourite Nielsen film quotes below. And to Leslie, wherever you are, when I heard you’d passed on I thought, “Surely I must have misheard.” But it was true. And I am more saddened than I could have expected over it. I’ve never laughed like when I laughed at you. You, before the Python, before Matt Groening, before Conan and Johnny and Woody and Stewart, taught me what comedy was. I will enjoy your films with my children much as my parents enjoyed them with theirs. And I apologize for calling you Shirley.

Thank you for the laughs, Leslie.

Some of my favourite Leslie Nielsen film quotes from his turns as Dr. Rumack in Airplane and Lt. Frank Drebin in the Naked Gun films. Please feel free to add your own in the comments section:

Dr. Rumack: You’d better tell the captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine: A hospital? What is it?
Dr. Rumack: It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.

Ted Striker: Surely you can’t be serious.
Rumack: I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.

Frank Drebin: It’s the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year’s Day.
Jane: Goodyear?
Frank Drebin: No, the worst.

Ed: A hunch won’t stand up in court, Frank. What we need are hard facts.
Frank: Look, Ed. Ludwig was the only one besides us who knew Nordberg was still alive. Next thing you know, some thug tries to knock him off in the hospital.
Ed: Yeah, but going into Ludwig’s office without a warrant, you’re taking a big chance.
Frank: I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan.

Frank: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he’s behind bars. Now, let’s grab a bite to eat.

Frank: Nice beaver!
Jane: [producing a stuffed beaver] Thank you. I just had it stuffed.

Frank: You’re excited? You should feel my nipples!

Frank: A good cop – needlessly cut down by some cowardly hoodlums.
Ed: That’s no way for a man to die.
Frank: No… you’re right, Ed. A parachute not opening… that’s a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine… having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that’s the way I wanna go!

Wilma Nordberg: [cries] Oh… Frank. This is terrible!
Ed: Don’t you worry, Wilma. Your husband is going to be alright. Don’t you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.
Frank: He’s right, Wilma. But I wouldn’t wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.
[Wilma cries again]
Ed: What I’m trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he’s welcome back at Police Squad.
Frank: …Unless he’s a drooling vegetable. But I think that’s only common sense.
[Wilma cries again]

Frank: The truth hurts doesn’t it, Hapsburg? Oh, sure maybe not as much as jumping on a bike with the seat missing, but it hurts!

Person: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Frank: I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.

Frank: I’m single! I love being single! I haven’t had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!
–Music Stops. People stare.–
Frank: I mean at the time I was dating a lot.

Last night, the movie industry lost an icon.

Leslie Nielsen, the famed comedic actor, died at age 84 after succumbing to pneumonia while battling a staph infection in Florida.

Ever since I was young, Nielsen has been in my pop-culture world. When I was youngster, I often confused Nielsen with fellow silver-maned comic actor Steve Martin. When I got older, I became a huge Nielsen fan, watching him as the bumbling Lieutenant Frank Drebin in the first two Naked Gun movies and the Police Squad reruns that were always on Comedy Central. And through the years, the seemingly ageless Nielsen seemed to be everywhere, whether it be popping up on TV series or appearing in an endless series of spoof-themed movies, some excellent, some abysmal.

Yet, no matter the quality of the film he appeared in, Leslie Nielsen could always get you to laugh. He perfected the straight-faced fool. His facial expressions were classic, the dear-in-the-headlights look of confusion in his eyes and his perfectly timed pratfalls were a comedic institution. His ability to rattle off some of the most ridiculous things in movie history with a stone face was amazing. His comedic sensibility was art. His sense of humor could make a young me laugh even when a lot of the jokes were well over my head.

The movies of Leslie Nielsen to me, and probably many others, were a “gateway drug” to good comedy. Yes, his later work wasn’t exactly top notch, but his classic film moments will live on. So in memory of the late, great, Mr. Nielsen we look at back on some of his best roles …

Airplane: “And Don’t Call Me Shirley”
After years of being a serious actor, bouncing through bad B movies (The Forbidden Planet, which was spoofed by Mystery Science Theater 3000) to TV (everything from Fantasy Island to Dr. Kildare), the Zucker Brothers classic Airplane! was the turning point in Nielsen’s career. As the stone faced Dr. Rumack, Nielsen delivered one of the most classic and ridiculous lines in cinema history.

Police Squad!: “The Credits”
Hot off the success of Airplane! the Zuckers and Nielsen reunited for the criminally underappreciated TV series Police Squad! The off-the-wall crime drama spoof series was absolutely brilliant. So brilliant that it inspired the Naked Gun movies (most people forget that the first movie was entitled The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad). Below is what made the series so amazing, the end credits and the ludicrous stuff that occurred during it.

The Naked Gun: Enriquo Pallazo
The scene that never gets old … Frank Drebin impersonates famed opera singer Enriquo Pallazzo.

Due South: The Speech
Nielsen appeared in another criminally under-appreciated show, Due South. The series aired in the mid-90s on CBS. The series starred Paul Gross as a Canadian mountie who is working in conjunction with a Chicago detective (David Marciano). Nielsen appeared as Buck Forbisher, a Mountie and friend of Gross’ slain father. In usual Nielsen style, his stone-faced absurdity was running a muck.

Wrongfully Accused: The Forgotten Nielsen Classic
A lot of people forget about this one. Wrongfully Accused was a spoof of all the Fugitive-style movies that had been released in the 90s. The film was actually pretty smart in its spoof-ing, forgoing the over-the-top slapstick and gross-outs that would become the fodder for Nielsen movies to come.

Nielsen was a dramatic actor for years until the 1980 movie Airplane! From then on Nielsen was known mostly for comedy. A short-lived 1982 parody of police dramas, Police Squad!, led six years later to the first of three films featuring his Frank Drebin character, The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!. Frank had a knack for becoming involving in international intrigue and political conspiracies, like this one:

So, of course, at some point Nielsen had to parody spy entertainment. So he did 1996′s Spy Hard, playing secret agent Dick Steele:

The Canadian-born actor died from complications from pneumonia at a hospital near his home at 5:34 p.m., surrounded by his wife, Barbaree, and friends, his agent John S. Kelly said in a statement.

PICTURES: Leslie Nielsen

“We are saddened by the passing of beloved actor Leslie Nielsen, probably best remembered as Lt. Frank Drebin in ‘The Naked Gun’ series of pictures, but who enjoyed a more than 60-year career in motion pictures and television,” said Kelly.

Speaking to Manitoba radio station CJOB68, Nielsen’s nephew Doug Nielsen said that the actor had been in the hospital with pneumonia for about 12 days and that the infection had taken an increasing toll in recent days.

“Today at 5:30, with his friends and his wife Barbaree by his side he just fell asleep and passed away,” Doug Nielsen said.

Nielsen came to Hollywood in the mid-1950s after performing in 150 live television dramas in New York. With a craggily handsome face, blond hair and 6-foot-2 height, he seemed ideal for a movie leading man.

Nielsen first performed as the king of France in the Paramount operetta “The Vagabond King” with Kathryn Grayson.

The film – he called it “The Vagabond Turkey” – flopped, but MGM signed him to a seven-year contract.

His first film for that studio was auspicious – as the space ship commander in the science fiction classic “Forbidden Planet.” He found his best dramatic role as the captain of an overturned ocean liner in the 1972 disaster movie, “The Poseidon Adventure.”

He became known as a serious actor, although behind the camera he was a prankster.

On “The Early Show,” co-anchor Harry Smith noted Nielsen often brought a whoopie cushion along when he visited the show, pranking people on the set.

His prankster personality never exploited, however, until “Airplane!” was released in 1980 and became a huge hit.

As the doctor aboard a plane in which the pilots, and some of the passengers, become violently ill, Nielsen says they must get to a hospital right away.

“A hospital? What is it?” a flight attendant asks, inquiring about the illness.

“It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now,” Nielsen deadpans.

When he asks a passenger if he can fly the plane, the man replies, “Surely you can’t be serious.”

Nielsen responds: “I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.”

Critics argued he was being cast against type, but Nielsen disagreed.

“I’ve always been cast against type before,” he said, adding comedy was what he’d really always wanted to do.

It was what he would do for most of the rest of his career, appearing in such comedies as “Repossessed” (a takeoff on the demonic possession movies like “The Exorcist”) and “Mr. Magoo,” in which he played the title role of the good-natured bumbler.

Nielsen did play Debbie Reynolds’ sweetheart in the popular “Tammy and the Bachelor,” a loanout to Universal, and he became well known to baby boomers for his role as the Revolutionary War fighter Francis Marion in the Disney TV adventure series “The Swamp Fox.”

Unhappy with his roles at MGM, he asked to be released from his contract. As a freelancer, he appeared in a series of undistinguished movies.

“I played a lot of leaders, autocratic sorts; perhaps it was my Canadian accent,” he reasoned.

Meanwhile, he remained active in television in guest roles. He also starred in his own series, “The New Breed,” “The Protectors” and “Bracken’s World,” but all were short-lived.

Then “Airplane!” captivated audiences and changed everything.

Producers-directors-writers Jim Abrahams, David and Jerry Zucker had hired Robert Stack, Peter Graves, Lloyd Bridges and Nielsen to spoof their heroic TV images in a satire of flight-in-jeopardy movies.

After the movie’s success, the filmmaking trio cast their newfound comic star as Detective Drebin in a TV series, “Police Squad,” which trashed the cliches of “Dragnet” and other cop shows. Despite good reviews, NBC canceled it after only four episodes.

“It didn’t belong on TV,” Nielsen later commented. “It had the kind of humor you had to pay attention to.”

The Zuckers and Abraham converted the series into a feature film, “The Naked Gun,” with George Kennedy, O.J. Simpson and Priscilla Presley as Nielsen’s co-stars. Its huge success led to sequels “The Naked Gun 2 1/2″ and “The Naked Gun 33 1/3.”

His later movies included “All I Want for Christmas,” “Dracula: Dead and Loving It” and “Spy Hard.”

Between films he often turned serious, touring with his one-man show on the life of the great defense lawyer, Clarence Darrow.

Nielsen was born Feb. 11, 1926 in Regina, Saskatchewan.

He grew up 200 miles south of the Arctic Circle at Fort Norman, where his father was an officer of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

The parents had three sons, and Nielsen once recalled, “There were 15 people in the village, including five of us. If my father arrested somebody in the winter, he’d have to wait until the thaw to turn him in.”

The elder Nielsen was a troubled man who beat his wife and sons, and Leslie longed to escape. As soon as he graduated from high school at 17, he joined the Royal Canadian Air Force, even though he was legally deaf (he wore hearing aids most of his life.)

After the war, Nielsen worked as a disc jockey at a Calgary radio station, then studied at a Toronto radio school operated by Lorne Greene, who would go on to star on the hit TV series “Bonanza.” A scholarship to the Neighborhood Playhouse brought him to New York, where he immersed himself in live television.

CBS News correspondent Betty Nguyen reported on “The Early Show” Nielsen’s final projects included “Lipshitz Saves the World,” released in 2007, and the yet-to-be-released “Scary Movie 5.”

Nielsen also was married to: Monica Boyer, 1950-1955; Sandy Ullman, 1958-74; and Brooks Oliver, 1981-85.

Nielsen and his second wife had two daughters, Thea and Maura.

(© 2010 CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.)

Belated birthday wishes are still trickling in and every one of them makes me feel good. Who doesn’t like to be recognized, especially on or around their birthday? Today happens to be Jerry Lewis’s 84th birthday and he’s been on my radar since grade school. I can still remember how the other boys in my class all loved him. I can’t speak for any of the girls.

As much as I tried, I was never able to find him funny as a kid. I think I watched all the same movies my friends did, but they never made me laugh. I felt like an outcast, but I’m not going to lie. I eventually gave up on him and just accepted the fact he didn‘t wow me.

My whole opinion has changed since I became an adult, and especially a comic myself. The truth is, Jerry Lewis is brilliantly creative on many levels, and very few in history can compare to his list of accomplishments. That says a lot, even though his movies still don’t make me laugh. Just because I don’t like them doesn’t mean I don’t respect his creativity.

He was born into a family of performers, and has been around show business his whole life. That can be an advantage or a disadvantage, depending on the individual. I’m sure he could have easily dropped out and done something else, but to last for over three quarters of a century and still be a household name, positive or not, is about as difficult as it gets.

It’s very easy to bash his brash and abrasive personality, his telethon or just about all of his solo movies, but I see how much he accomplished onscreen and off and have nothing but the utmost respect. It’s not easy to succeed in show business at all, much less last for several generations. Say what you will, the one thing that can’t be disputed is his tenure.

There’s a fascinating interview with him from the David Susskind show from probably the mid ‘60s which really won me over. He was amazingly sharp, and went off on a lot of subjects that showed how intelligent he really is. He’s never seemed happy whenever I’ve seen or heard him interviewed, but I guess genius and happy have never come as a pair.

Being a student of the comedy game doesn’t mean I have to personally like everyone’s work. In many cases, I just don’t. It doesn’t move me. Comedy and entertainment itself is subjective, and whoever sees it gets the opportunity to make up his or her own mind as to whether that individual enjoys it or not. If I don’t enjoy something I can still respect it.

One thing I’ve always personally enjoyed are the series of Naked Gun movies made by the Zucker Brothers and Jerry Abrahams. I’ve always been a fan of theirs, at first because they were also from Milwaukee but later because I just found their style to be hilarious.

I’ve seen most of their movies but Leslie Neilsen’s Frank Drebin character never fails at making me laugh out loud. I found a DVD of the first movie at the thrift store today, and I popped it in because I hadn’t seen it in a while. It still made me laugh and I watched for a lot of other things I really hadn’t noticed before, like pacing, laughs per minute and how it all ties together as a movie rather than just watch individual scenes. Those guys are great.

Not only did the movie hold up, I was amazed all over again at how they cast actors that weren’t at all previously known for being funny. All of them. Leslie Neilsen was a serious actor, as was George Kennedy. Ricardo Montalban played a great villain, and he’s usually very likeable in all the roles I’ve seen him play, especially Mr. Roarke on Fantasy Island.

Priscilla Presley and especially O.J. Simpson aren’t even known for acting at all. Still, it all fell together perfectly and I thought laugh for laugh it was right up there with any other movie I can think of that was released in the last twenty years. They should be proud of it, and I’m sure they are. Watching it again made me take inventory of everything I‘ve done.

That, coupled with the body of work Jerry Lewis cranked out made my little career feel like a bug fart by comparison. I can’t be cocky because I really haven’t done anything yet, other than wish I could catch a break sometime. Do I have any ideas for movies? Yes, but I’m nowhere near close to being able to even present them to anyone. I’m way off course.

All I can do is continue down the path I’m on and do the best I can with whatever time I have left. I’m never going to have the career of a Jerry Lewis or the Zucker Brothers, but I can still keep working on what I’m doing. I’ve got a new CD on the horizon and that’s the product to focus on now. It’s not a movie and I’m not a legend in France, but it’s a start.

Greg Phelps sent the proofs of the CD package today and I had to make a few small but important corrections. The font wasn’t very readable in my opinion and there were a few typos, but other than that it looked pretty good. We were able to use the artwork I paid for from Pedro Bell, even though it’s not colorized. I had to go with what I have, but it’s ok.

Greg and his artist Chad colorized the title of the CD which is ’Hard Luck Jollies’ and a logo for my name Pedro Bell drew that looks like the logo for Funkadelic. I doubt if many people will recognize it, but those who do will really be impressed. I was, and that’s good enough for me. It looks very unique, and it’s not just another thrown together hack piece.

I’m really going to have to scrape together cash to pay for this, but I think I’ll be able to sell enough of them quickly to get my money back. It’s an investment in myself, so that’s never a bad thing. I think I’ll get some attention from it, as it’s a product I can be proud of that will sound and look professional. I’ve been overdue for another product for a while.

I’ve also got enough material recorded where I think I can have another one done by the fall. That would be great, and it’s already in the can so it’s not like I need to record any of it again. In a perfect world I’ll keep creating CD projects every year for as long as I can be creative enough to keep thinking of material. Every artist should always keep on growing.

Maybe I will get around to doing movies eventually, maybe not. As long as I keep up an honest effort to do my best, I’m sure my path will take me where I need to go, even if that isn’t necessarily where I wanted to go when I started out. A big movie career sounds great but who really gets that in the end? Not many. Does it mean I’m a failure if I don’t have it on my resume? No, not at all. Failure is not trying. I’m trying hard, I’m just farther back.

The Bruins got a point in Pittsburgh, and it was well-earned as they came back from FOUR one-goal deficits to finally take a 5-4 lead with 2:29 remaining in regulation. But they let the win slip away like a fart in the desert as Tim Thomas let in a softie by ex-Bruin Billy Guerin with just under a second left.  Another giveaway  from Thomas in OT secured the two points for Pittsburgh.  Here’s the game summary for those interested…I’m still not ready to re-live this loss.  New Hampshire native Ben Lovejoy  did record his first NHL point in his second NHL game as he registered an assist for the Penguins.

Against the Islanders, the Bruins were so uninspired for such long stretches of the game, I had to check to see if Dave Lewis was back behind the bench.  There were no Bruins highlights. Here’s the game summary….Roloson and Moulson, and some empty Bruins jerseys.

The Bruins are headed on the road until Thanksgiving for four games, starting tomorrow night in Atlanta.  They are currently tied for 11th place in the Eastern Conference, and Bruins fans are sweating like Amy Winehouse  going through customs.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I need a laugh.

CLICK  below to cachinnate:

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]]> http://thankyounetflix.wordpress.com/2009/10/31/the-naked-gun-2-12-the-smell-of-fear/ Sat, 31 Oct 2009 23:11:11 +0000 Mystery Man http://thankyounetflix.wordpress.com/2009/10/31/the-naked-gun-2-12-the-smell-of-fear/ http://lesbipolaires.com/2009/10/14/jour-13-creepshow/ Wed, 14 Oct 2009 20:22:23 +0000 Le Boucher du West Island http://lesbipolaires.com/2009/10/14/jour-13-creepshow/

Comme j’adore le mois d’Octobre, l’Halloween et les films d’horreur, j’ai décidé de faire le premier Horreur-o-thon des Bipolaires! En effet, j’écouterai un film de peur par jour jusqu’au 31, alors revenez lire mes critiques quotidiennes…si vous en avez le courage! MOUAHAHAHAAA!

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L’anthologie d’horreur (et les films d’anthologie, point) sont rares ces derniers temps.  Par contre, dans les années 80, Tale from the Crypt, Twilight Zone, Alfred Hitchcock Presents et bien sûr, Creepshow étaient la grande mode.  Dans une atmosphère comic-bookesque, plusieurs courtes histoires macabres, mais amusantes étaient présentées au grand délice des spectateurs (et de moi).  En effet, réalisé par George Romero et écrit par Stephen King, Creepshow confirme son slogan “The most fun you’ll have being scared!”.  5 récits à la fois horrifiants (mais légers), gore (mais pas de façon réaliste) s’enchaînent l’un après l’autre, comme dans les bandes dessinées de l’époque.  De plus, de courtes séquences d’animation font transition entre chaque histoire afin de rehausser cet aspect coloré et nostalgique.

1- Father’s Day: une vieille femme ayant tué son père tyrannique va se recueillir à sa tombe avec sa famille le jour de la Fête des Pères.  Mais malchance! Le père revient des morts pour se venger et enfin avoir son gâteau de fête.  Cette histoire donne bien le ton au reste du film et l’atmosphère exaltante est déja bien installée. A voir: Ed Harris avec des cheveux, qui danse sur du disco.

2- The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verill: Stephen King en personne joue un fermier redneck qui touche à une météorite et se retrouve exponentiellement couvert de plantes étranges.  Bof, ça ne fait pas vraiment peur, Stephen King joue trop exagéré et je m’attendais à un twist à la fin.  Par contre, j’ai aimé les aperçus de l’esprit simplet de Jordy. “You nunkhead!”

3- Something to Tide You Over: Ted Danson et sa blonde se font enterrer jusqu’au cou sur une plage par Leslie Nielsen (Lt. Frank Drebin!).  En effet, Ted Danson lui a volé la dite blonde et le punit en le faisant noyer à petit feu (si ça se peut).  Par contre, c’est le couple qui reviendra se venger.  La meilleure histoire.  Nielsen et Danson sont sérieux pour faire changement!

4- The Crate: Un concierge et un professeur d’université trouvent une vieille caisse datant de 1847.  Curieux, ils l’ouvrent et en sort une bête affreuse qui dévore les gens.  Pendant ce temps, un autre professeur est marié à une bitch tyrannique qu’il rêve de tuer.  Très bon, mais je m’attendais à un twist encore…

5-  They’re Creeping Up on You: Un dirigeant d’entreprise tyrannique (vous voyez une constante?) s’affole alors que son appartement impeccable est de plus en plus infesté de coquerelles.  Assez moyen, mais les coquerelles ça fait peur alors…

Bref, allez voir ce film (malgré l’horrible transfer du DVD)!  Vous aimerez au moins une des histoires, j’en suis sûr.

Note finale: 8/10

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Meilleure citation: “Now get out of my way, Henry, or I swear to God you’ll be wearing your balls for earrings!” (Wilma, l’épouse bitch.)

Meilleure mort: Dans “The Crate”, un étudiant se fait attaquer par la bête assez…sauvagement.

Y’as-tu des tits?: On voit Leslie Nielsen dans la douche.  Miam!

Saviez-vous que…?: Le cendrier de métal de “Father’s Day” apparaît dans chaque histoire apparemment.

Imagine Leslie Nielsen was your Dad or your grandad. This man cracks me up each and everytime. Its so stupid and i know some people just don’t find him amusing but i think he is one of the greatest comedy actors of all time…period. I came across this tribute to him as Frank Drebin in the awesome Naked Gun movies and i just had to show it some love.

Please do not suggest that there are foods that I am “not allowed to have.” Proper management of my Diabetes is about portion control. I could have just chocolate for breakfast if I chose. It’s simply a matter of controlling the portion and balancing the sugary goodness with the appropriate amount of insulin. Of course, having just chocolate for breakfast would not be the most nutritionally satisfying meal, but that’s beside the point.

There are no foods that are “off limits” to me just because my Pancreas doesn’t work. There are plenty that I must carefully consider among my food choices, foods that can cause my blood sugars to fluctuate more extremely than I would prefer, foods that I rarely eat because it makes managing this relentless disease more complicated than it already is. But as I’ve said, I choose not to eat particular foods based on my own decision regarding managing Diabetes not because of Diabetes says I can’t.

You might ask why don’t I bother to correct you. The answer is simple: I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to constantly remind people that this disease is not a disability. I’m tired of hearing all the misstatements made by the uninformed and uneducated, and equally unaware that they are such. I’m tired of the restrictions people place on me based off of the little knowledge they have of what Diabetes is, how it works, and how I manage it. I try to inform those that seek knowledge, but people are quick to jump to conclusions that they already believe to be true. It’s hard to stop a train once it’s moving full steam, educating the uninformed is an exhausting process.

This doesn’t mean that I will stop informing and clarifying what this is and more importantly what this isn’t. This doesn’t mean that I will let these statements continue without a proper fact check. But do me a favor and try not to assume everything you hear is accurate, there are plenty out there that know not of what they speak.

So, while I appreciate your concern, please allow me to respond by quoting my good friend John Locke:

“Don’t tell me what I can’t do.”

Without Wax,
Chris

Last night I just had the urge for some classic comedy so I watched an episode of Police Squad!. It is just so damn funny and one of my favourite scenes in this particular episode called “A substantial gift/The Broken Promise” is when Frank Drebin visits the dentist to get some information.

There is no use for me to describe the scene so just take a look at this clip from YouTube and see for yourself. The visit to the dentist comes after 5:00 minutes.

WED: Zambrano's idol?

SATURDAY – LeBron James hits the biggest shot of his life in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals.  Now down 3-2 heading into Game 6, the Cavs need to win both or the only action LeBron will see in the Finals will be as a puppet.

 SUNDAY – Top-seeded Nicole Branagh and Elaine Youngs win the garels’ AVP Crocs Tour Huntington Beach Open.  We love women’s beach volleyball here at Name the Garels.

MONDAY – The Syracuse Orangemen win their 2^nd-straight national lacrosse title, much to the dismay of Andy Bernard and Cornell – ever heard of it?

TUESDAY – Juiced author Jose Canseco gets pummeled by a 7’2” Korean kickboxer in Japan.  Watch next week as Canseco wrestles a hippopotamus.

WEDNESDAY – In a tirade he ultimately got suspended 6 games for, Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano does his best Frank Drebin as he throws the umpire out of the game.  If you don’t know who Frank Drebin is, you’ve got 36 and 5/6 movies to watch this weekend.

THURSDAY – We’re not in Kansas anymore.  Kansan Kavya Shivshankar won the 2009 National Spelling Bee on the word “Laodicean” – easy one if you ask us.  As is becoming the American custom, it was an Indian-American that took the title – which reminds us of one of our favorite spelling Indian-Americans of all-time.

FRIDAY – Kobe Bryant looks to force himself through physical means upon an unwilling Denver Nuggets team.  If he succeeds in his master plan the Lakers will be headed to the NBA Finals, and Kobe will be doin’ work instead of doin’ time.

–”Hug man and man” Thank God this searcher only found me on the Internet and not in person.  Especially if he knew how I feel about “man hugs”.

–”religious gangs” Are there any religious gangs?  I’d go out and search for it, but apparently it would only lead me back to my own blog.  What would a religious gang do?  “I can’t believe it!  That’s three more motorcycles stolen by the ‘Heaven’s Angels’.”

–”Big women wear tight clothes” This is the wrong site if that’s what you’re looking for, my friend.  I may be jumping the gun, however.  Maybe this person was feeling the need to make a statement, and lacking any major TV or radio outlet, he turned to the largest media player of all: Google.  “Big women wear tight clothes!” he proclaimed, as if to receive a reply . . . “Yes, they do!”  Walking the streets and yelling it out just doesn’t get the word out enough.  I’ve tried.

–”Pregnant happy” Hands-down, this is better than “pregnant sad”, “pregnant disappointed”, and the very frustrating “pregnant why” and “pregnant how?”

–”is reba pregnant” If this rumor EVER takes off, I hereby accept full credit for it.  The post “Big Fashion” has turned the Internet upside-down!  (Is that even possible?)

–”Fat man and baby” Really?

–”Schizophrenia bluetooth” Looks like someone talking to him- or herself is taking my advice on how not to look crazy in public.

–”crazy four letter words” Maybe this person was not looking for 4-letter words that are crazy, but instead was looking for 4-letter synonyms for “crazy”.  For instance, the words “nuts” is a four-letter word that can mean the same as “crazy”.  “Daft”, “zany”, “loon”, and “wild” also come to mind, just to name a few.  I apologize for not being more help the first time around.  Maybe if that person searches again, I can be of service this time.

–”female hasidic jews in traditional female” I strained my mind and herniated my brain stem trying to think of how in the world this could lead to my blog.  I don’t remember talking about female Hasidic Jews in traditional female clothing.  Well, I guess I have now.  Hopefully every time that topic is searched, I will come up first now.

–”hiding spots of crack cocaine” I’m speechless on this one.  I haven’t done my research, but does using crack cocaine give you spots?  If any fans out there smoke crack cocaine, could you please identify yourself (name, address, and the place a DEA agent would be most likely to find you) and answer this question?  Or, as smoking crack is mostly illegal, maybe the searcher is looking for places (or “spots”) to store the crack cocaine between uses.  Again, I have no idea if this is true, but it seems like a frugal crack smoker would buy enough crack for more than one use.  I imagine you would get a discount for buying in bulk.

–”look into my eyes i want you forever and” Now THAT’S a true fan!  At first I was thinking, “and . . . what?”  Something tells me I really don’t want to know.

To further prove my point, here are a few keywords to ensure that people will stumble upon this blog in their searches for all things random, obscure, and many times false:

Charles Gibson’s hairline

New shoes on old feet

Stedman exists

Al Gore is not “in it for the money”

Dick Tracy trivia

Sam Walton zombie

Howling Tom Ryser

Frank Drebin (might be Phil Donahue)

Shakira’s career?

Answer: They have all been involved in plots to dupe the public.

According to reports, after shooting himself this past weekend, Plaxico Burress checked himself into a hospital under the alias of Harrison Smith. The fake name was presumably used as a way to avoid media attention, as well as possible legal ramifications associated with possessing a gun. Obviously, it didn’t really work the way ol’ Harry had hoped. When news of Plax’s alias broke, The Max immediately began thinking of some of sports’ other great aliases. Here’s the Top 8, according to The Max:

No. 8 – Kenny Lofton (as Muhammad Ali)
Despite penning this enormously popular blog (ok, that’s a stretch), we have never needed to hide our identity in an attempt to avoid masses of fans. However, if we ever did need to assume an alias, we sure as hell wouldn’t pick somebody more popular than us. Imagine us checking into a hotel as Bill Simmons or Perez Hilton… Almost sounds like we would be intentionally looking for attention. Well, that’s exactly what Kenny Lofton does when he checks into a hotel. Apparently, the fleet-footed outfielder routinely checks into his rooms as Muhammad Ali, as well as other boxing greats.

No. 7 – Curt Schilling (as gehrig38)
After signing with the Red Sox in 2003, Curt Schilling logged on to the Son of Sam Horn web site as gehrig38. Unlike Lofton, however, it seems Schilling was pretty up front about seeking attention (we know, you’re shocked). He went on to conduct a three-hour interview upon logging into the site.

No. 6 – Roger Clemens (as Red Glare)
Say what you will about Clemens, this one is pretty witty. Get it? Rocket’s red glare. Clemens’ nickname is Rocket. We don’t know how else to say it. You either get it or you don’t.

No. 5 – Charles Barkley (as Homer Simpson)
Well, at least Barkley doesn’t have an inflated view of himself. Reportedly, the “Round Mound of Rebound” uses Homer as his alias when checking into hotels. We hate to rain on his parade, but we’d sooner see Homer than Barkley. Heck, we’d sooner see Frank Caliendo’s version of Barkley than Barkley.

No. 4 – Brian Anderson (as Lt. Frank Drebin)
This one’s great for a couple of reasons. First, it involves Frank Drebin from the Naked Gun movies. That’s hilarious on its own. But the funniest part is that former Major League pitcher Brian Anderson (record: 82-83) thinks he is famous enough to warrant an alias. That’s cute.

No. 3 – Plaxico Burress (as Harrison Smith)
The jury’s still out on this one… almost literally. The Harrison Smith alias may take on a life of its own, which would assuredly move it up on the list. Clearly, Harrison Smith’s legacy has yet to be written. We’ll get back to you in a few weeks.

No. 2 – Evander Holyfield (as Evan Fields)
Evan Fields was reportedly the alias ex-boxing champ Evander Holyfield used when ordering human growth hormone and testosterone. It doesn’t take a genius to piece this one together; but just to be sure, SI.com called the number listed for Evan Fields and guess who picked up. Yup, Holyfield. An evader Evander is not.

No. 1 – Michael Vick (as Ron Mexico)
We hate to kick a man when he’s down, but did Michael Vick ever do ANYTHING right?  

Here are my official results, an impressive list if I DO say so myself.

**Author’s note: After I completed this I noticed it’s fairly homoerotic and I don’t give a shit; I love these men. There, I’ve said it.  Happy now, homophobe?
**

10. Lieutenant Marion Cobretti – COBRA

10. Lieutenant Marion Cobretti

“I don’t deal with psychos I put them away”. This bad ass works the Zombie Squad, he solved the “Night Slasher” case and single handedly brought down the infamous “New Order” street gang. He tells the boss to eat shit, fucks the hottie in witness protection and kills 90 ax-wielding psychopaths within 85 minutes. I’d want him with me if shit got crazy.

Weapon: 1911 Colt .45
Car: 1950 Mercury (Silver)
What 
Worries Me: Absolutely nothing, he takes care of his own.
Classic Line: “You’re the disease and I’m the cure”.

9. Detective Axel Foley – BEVERLY HILLS COP

Axel

Good Ole Axel Foley came out from the mean streets of Detroit to solve the homicide of his best friend Mikey Tandino. While in Beverly Hills he shows the local police force what Detroit muscle, cop instinct and outlandish impersonations can really do. He doesn’t quit and he’ll make you laugh if the chips are down.

Weapon: Something silver that looks cool on the poster.
Car: Fire Engine Red Ferrari
What Worries Me: Getting my cop car stolen and losing my job because of his hi-jinx.
Classic line: “You’re not going to fall for the banana in the tailpipe? It should be more natural, brother. It should flow out, like this – “Look, man, I ain’t fallin’ for no banana in my tailpipe!”

8. Sergeant Frank Drebin Detective Lieutenant Police Squad – THE NAKED GUN

Frank Drebin In Action

With the longest job title in cop history Frank falls in at number 8. Shoot first and ask questions later. Frank has an illustrious career in Police Squad, he once saved the life of Queen Elizabeth II, shut down Vincent Ludwig’s band of roving assassins and foiled Quentin Hapsburg’s plans to rid the world of clean energy. Over the course of his career he’s tangled ass with OJ Simpson, Anna Nicole Smith, and Weird Al Yankovic – all controversial in their own ways.

Weapon: His wits & a snub nose .38
Car: Lime Green four door unmarked sedan.
What 
Worries Me: During lunch he’d probably forget me at the deli and drive off. By the time he’d remember I was no longer with him the movie would be over.
Classic Lines: “Let’s pull out the cotton and get straight to the aspirin.”
“You played me like a violin at the annual saps convention.”
“Well, when I see five weirdos dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in front of a full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards, that’s my policy.”
“I’m Lt. Frank Drebin! Police Squad! And don’t ever let me catch you guys in America!”
“You’re part of a dying breed, Hapsburg, like people who can name all fifty states!”
“There she was, just as I remembered her. That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. And breasts that seemed to say…”Hey! Look at these!” She was the kind of woman who made you want to drop to your knees and thank God you were a man! She reminded me of my mother, all right. No doubt about it.”

7. Jake Gittes – CHINATOWN

Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown....

Well let’s face it, Jake really isn’t all that great a detective, but what he lacks in natural instinct he more than makes up for in cool Private Eye tricks and funny “Chinamen” jokes. He falls victim to the oldest trick in the book and gets caught up emotionally with the woman who ultimately gets shot through the eye for her troubles. He doesn’t really do a good job of protecting her. And the greatest line of the movie isn’t even said by him. Regardless he’s a smart ass and a ladies man and an ex-cop and I enjoy watching him do his thing.

Car – An old ass one.
Weapon – His Penis.
What Worries Me – I’d get hurt just for standing next to him. He’d probably stick me with the check at a restaurant while he puts the moves on the coat check girl.
Classic Lines: “You’re dumber than you think I think you are.”
“Let me explain something to you, Walsh. This business requires a certain amount of finesse.”
Jake Gittes: “Mulvihill! What are you doing here?” 
Mulvihill: “They shut my water off. What’s it to you?” 
Jake Gittes: “How’d you find out about it? You don’t drink it; you don’t take a bath in it… They wrote you a letter. But then you have to be able to read.
”
“But, Mrs. Mulwray, I goddamn near lost my nose. And I like it. I like breathing through it. And I still think you’re hiding something.”

6. Detective Jack Cates – 48 HOURS

Nothing like drawing down on a lady holding a grocery bag.

Another one that takes place in San Francisco. Jack Cates is a drunken, dirty, foul-mouthed copper in The City By The Bay. He bends the rules so much there’s no way a police force on Earth would keep him on for more than a few hours. But he gets results and that’s all that matters in down and dirty police work. He brandished a firearm in the face of an elderly Asian woman, repeatedly beat prisoners in custody, throws the word “fuck” around like a champ, beat up a shitload of country boys in a hick bar. He abuses the badge constantly to get out of parking tickets or intimidate bystanders. His gun gets stolen and he simply doesn’t report it, even though it’s used to commit a string of murders. He eventually gets it back when he shoots his prisoner through the shoulder to kill the bad guy. He’s the man no if, ands, or buts about it. He killed Ganz and he solved the Iceman case, need I say more?

Car: Sky Blue Cadillac DeVille
Weapon: .357 Magnum (stolen) moves on to a Colt .45
What Worries Me: Often uses violence to prove his point and would most likely often challenge me to fist fights to settle minor arguments. Also his blatant racism might give people the wrong idea about me. (I prefer to keep my racism more reserved)
Classic Lines: “This sucks! A maniac gets a hold of my gun and runs all over the streets killin’ people with it. So, instead of bein’ where I oughta be, home in bed with my gal givin’ her the high hard one, I’m out here doin’ THIS shit: roamin’ around the streets with an overdressed, charcoal-colored loser like you.”
“Who GIVES a goddamn what YOU like? You’re just a crook on a weekend pass! You’re not even a goddamn NAME anymore! You’re just a spearchucker with a number stenciled on the back of his prison fatigues! And I’m through fuckin’ around. You tell me the truth or you’re gonna get the living shit beat outta you.”
“Fuck you!”
“What are you smiling at, watermelon? Your big move just turned out to be shit.”
“I’ll file a report tomorrow.” (which never happens)
“Now, get this! We ain’t partners. We ain’t brothers. And we ain’t friends. I’m puttin’ you down and keepin’ you down until Ganz is locked up or dead. And if Ganz gets away, you’re gonna be sorry YOU ever MET me!”

5. Lieutenant Frank Bullitt – BULLITT

Bullitt

Why does all the cool shit seem to go down in San Francisco? It’s a goddamn cop/private eye paradise over there! There’s cases for miles, I don’t know how anyone can relax with so much testosterone flying around. Anyways, Frank Bullitt is nothing short of a bad ass. First off he’s Steve McQueen (The Tao of Steve) and Steve McQueen is the man, I mean did you’all see The Getaway?! The dude fucked Ali McGraw (in real life) when she was super hot!, check it out:
He stole her from Mega Producer Robert Evans! He’s my fucking hero. But as Bullitt he’ll smack the shit out of you, steal your woman, out think you, out race you, out shoot you, and out and about make you feel like a big fat ass loser.

Car: 1968 Ford Mustang (Highland Green)
Weapon: 6 Shot Chiefs Special (revolver)
What Worries Me: Jack Shit.
Classic Lines: “Look, you work your side of the street, and I’ll work mine.”
“Look, Chalmers, let’s understand each other… I don’t like you.”
Bullitt: “You sell whatever you want, but don’t sell it here tonight.”
 Chalmers: “Frank, we must all compromise.”
Bullitt: “Bullshit. Get the hell out of here, now.”

4. Sam Spade – THE MALTESE FALCON
Now that his partner Miles Archer is dead, the doors and windows of Spade & Archer Private Investigators have changed to just plain “Spade”. Visible behind Sam’s desk is the lovely Bay Bridge bathed in fog, signifying what? That’s right folks San Francisco strikes again! That place is on fire! Sam is a master of playing murderous thieves against each other and in the end he avenges his partner’s death and remains the only member of the cast not “fucked for life”. He’s my hero and never has to shoot anyone. He tricks them into digging their own graves.

Weapon: His mind.
                                                                                                                                     Car: San Francisco Yellow Taxi Service
What Worries Me: He’d screw me over and send me up the river and by the time I realized it-it would be too late.
Classic Lines: “The cheaper the crook, the gaudier the patter.”
“You know, that’s good, because if you actually were as innocent as you pretend to be, we’d never get anywhere.”
“When you’re slapped, you’ll take it and like it.”
“I hope you’re not letting yourself be influenced by the guns these pocket edition desperados are waving around, because I’ve practiced taking guns from these boys before so we’ll have no trouble there”.
“When a man’s partner is killed, he’s supposed to do something about it. It doesn’t make any difference what you thought of him. He was your partner and you’re supposed to do something about it. And it happens we’re in the detective business. Well, when one of your organization gets killed, it’s-it’s bad business to let the killer get away with it, bad all around, bad for every detective everywhere.”
“It’s the stuff that dreams are made of.”

3. Special Agent Will Graham – MANHUNTER

The Manhunter himself

The Motherfucker caught Hannibal fucking Lector. There’s nothing more to say. (except that he went from a beach to blowing away the Tooth Fairy serial killer in two hours flat)

Weapon: .44 Revolver.
Car: FBI Helicopter
Worries: Doesn’t play well with others, he’s very internal and I fear that he wouldn’t be very funny to talk to during down time. Sure he’s smart as a whip and could probably solve whatever case I’d need him to in about 5 minutes, but who’s gonna laugh at my off-color remarks?
Classic Lines: “As a child, my heart bleeds for him. Someone took a little boy and turned him into a monster. But as an adult… as an adult, he’s irredeemable. He butchers whole families to fulfill some sick fantasy. As an adult, I think someone should blow the sick fuck out of his socks.”
Will Graham: “I know that I’m not smarter than you.” Doctor Hannibal Lector: “Then how did you catch me? Will Graham: “You had disadvantages.” Doctor Hannibal Lector: “What disadvantages?” Will Graham: “You’re insane.”

2. Detective Lieutenant Vincent Hanna – HEAT

Whoo-ah!

That’s right the bad ass who took down Neil McCauley and his whole fucking crew (minus Christopher) in Los Angeles. Previous credits include taking down Frankie Yonger in Chicago. Greatest quote about Hanna “He’s been married three times what do you think that means he likes staying at home?” – Nate. Hanna is a dedicated officer, out there in the trenches sniffing around. He’ll find the truth out one way or another. I’d want him with me if I was working a case close to my heart.

Weapon: 1911 Colt Commander .45
Car: Los Angeles Unmarked Ford Taurus
What Worries Me: Glory hog, loudest person in the room.  I’d never get a word in edgewise.
Classic Lines: “Who? Who? What are you a fucking owl?”
“Empathy was yesterday. Today, you’re wasting my motherfucking time!”

1. Inspector Harry Callahan – DIRTY HARRY
I left my heart in SAN FRANCISCO…. Because Dirty Harry splattered it all over the concrete. Everyone on this list is great at something but Harry encompasses it all, keen detection skills, attractive to women,superb marksmanship, great voice, a look all his own, and a take no bullshit attitude from cretins and commanders alike. He’s killed dozens of punks, he’s been threatened with suspension, he’s saved a bus load of children, ended the Dead Pool and put a stop to a band of rogue vigilante cops. And let’s face it, he fired a fucking rocket launcher on Alcatraz! He’s the Mack, plain and simple. A broken-hearted widower, he’s taken it upon himself to make homicide investigation Job Number ONE.

"I shoot the bastard that's my policy."

Weapon: .44 Magnum the most powerful handgun in the world and can take your head clean off.
Car: Whichever isn’t destroyed when the shooting stops.
What Worries Me: Every partner he’s ever had has died, as much as I’d want him on my case partnering up with him means certain death for me. It’d be worth it to cruise around the hilly streets of foggy San Fran riding shotgun with Inspector Callahan. Hopefully I’ll just get wounded.
Classic Lines: “I know what you’re thinking. “Did he fire six shots or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”
“A man’s got to know his limitations.”
“Speaking of whale shit, what have you turned up, Briggs?”
“She wants to play lumberjack, she’s going to have to learn to handle her end of the log.”
“Your mouthwash ain’t makin’ it.”
Harry Callahan: “We’re not just going to let you walk out of here. Crook: “Who’s “we”, sucker?” Harry Callahan: “Smith, and Wesson, and me.”
“Fuck with me, buddy, I’ll kick your ass so hard you’ll have to unbutton your collar to shit.”

*Others that didn’t make the list but get honorable mentions:
RoboCop, Tango & Cash, The Big Lebowski, Clarice Starling (Silence of the Lambs), John McClaine (Die Hard), John Shaft, William Somerset (Se7en), Crockett & Tubbs (Miami Vice), Bobby Scott (Spartan), Bud White (LA Confidential), Sgt. Murtaugh & Sgt. Riggs (Lethal Weapon)

, John Spartan (Demolition Man)

*New lists to look forward to:
1. Top Ten Criminals
2. 
Top Ten Anti-Heroes
3. 
Top Ten War Buddies
4. 
Top Ten Pieces of Ass
5. Top Ten College Roommates
6. Top Ten Villians

- Mike James

ROUND SEVEN

19.  Team SCS selects Bubbles, The Wire – and much like the Emmy Awards, the draft manages to ignore The Greatest Show in TV History for far too long.  I am thrilled to get the best acting performance in recent memory with the 19th overall pick.  (A note for those of you who have seen Passing Strange–the sister in this clip is played by none other than Eisa Davis.)

20.  Team Kittredge selects Sayid Jarrah, Lost — Around this point, I start feeling like a complete pop culture ignoramus, because this is another show I have never seen.  I take solace in Kitt’s admission that she’s making this pick as much to get an attractive male on her team as for any legitimate reason, making my Dark Angel pick that much less embarrassing .  But still embarrassing.

21.  Team Deeeluxe selects Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report — At the beginning of the draft, we made it clear that Jon Stewart, as an example, was ineligible to be selected, because he’s a newsman, not a character.  Barry Bonds made an excellent point here with Mr. Colbert, who was clearly eligible due to the fact that he is, indeed, a character played by an actor.  This pick would open the door for quite possibly the greatest pick of the draft in the next round.

ROUND EIGHT

22.  Team Deeluxe selects Frank Drebin, Police Squad! — Another “off-the-board” pick for the Deeeluxers, Frank Drebin brings not only a strong, historically impressive television career, but the undeniable added bonus of the Naked Gun flicks.  Mr. Bonds likes to test the boundaries, as you can see.

23.  Team Kittredge selects Heathcliff Huxtable, The Cosby Show – So I mean, if you’re doing this draft for real, and you really want to take the best possible first round pick, I think you’ve either got to go for Kermit or this man.  For folks of our age to let Bill Effing Cosby slip to Round Eight is just inexcusable…by all rational standards.  Barry Bonds and I (both Cosby Kids if there ever were any) could only applaud this American Girl’s selection.  (And the clip?  Best ending to a sitcom ever.  Second best ending to a television show ever, after, of course, Six Feet Under.  Second-best sitcom ending ever? I Married Dora, of course.)

24.  Team SCS selects The Rock, WWE Smackdown/Raw — I had been stewing this pick over since the beginning of the draft, but didn’t think he’d be eligible.  As soon as Colbert was selected, I knew the path was free for me to take the most electrifying man in sports entertainment.  I know a lot of folks are biased against pro wrestling, and usually that’s not an unfounded bias, but the performances this guy put on when he was at the top of his game really can’t be topped anywhere on television.

ROUND NINE

25.  Team SCS selects Dwayne Wayne, A Different World — I knew someone would go for Cosby or one of the Cosby kids, and I promised that I’d grab somone from A Different World in the round immediately after.  This is one of the most important shows I ever watched — people of color in college, and a wide variety of backgrounds and personality types — this might be the most progressive sitcom I’ve ever seen.  Dwayne was the nerd who grew up and won, even if he didn’t end up with a Huxtable.  (It’s hard to find A Different World clips online, so I went instead with my other favorite Kadeem Hardison acting performance.)

26.  Team Kittredge selects Jem, Jem – And here’s Kitt’s Dark Angel pick.  Kind of.   I’ve got to say, reading the Wikipedia entry for this show makes it sound a lot more interesting than I would have imagined.

27.  Team Deeeluxe selects Barney Stimpson, How I Met Your Mother — I’ve head great things about Neil Patrick Harris on this show, and Barry forced the first season DVDs into my hands when I mentioned I had only seen bits and pieces of the series.  You gotta love getting Doogie Howser into the draft without having to actually pick Doogie Howser.

Next post, we start to move into the SPECIAL CATEGORY ROUNDS!!!

Oh yeah…way too much time went into all this.

Ever since I made an offhand reference to Lt. Frank Drebin to my friend Puddy and he informed me how Police Squad! Is his favorite TV Show, I’ve been going back and watching clips episodes constantly. I’m amazed how well it still holds up.

Sure the show is mostly gags and 1/2 of them are pretty lame but in Puddy’s words “when they work they work so well.” The dude’s right. The show is freaking hilarious. To be fair, there’s a part of me that will always love the absurdist, lead age comedy of Marx Brothers on down. But you can totally see how Police Squad! has inspired a lot of stuff that has came since. I’m NOT talking about about the Epic Movie spoof nonsense. I’m talking about the goods: The Simpsons, Adult Swim, Arrested Development, Family Guy, 30 Rock.

You gotta love it: