I visited Dr Levine’s “Friendship” blog today (link to the blog). It got an image makeover, and a tag line, “The Friendship Blog – Expert Advice for Navigating Friends.”

Under Irene’s “Friendship forum guidelines” (link), we read:

-Use a pseudonym to protect your safety and privacy and that of any friends or frenemies you may mention in your post.

- No posting of advertisements permitted.

-If you own a website with information directly related to the topic being discussed, you may link to that page of your site. Any veiled efforts at self-promotion that aren’t relevant or genuinely helpful will be deleted.

-Personal attacks on other commenters will not be tolerated. You are free to challenge someone’s point of view, but please do so respectfully. Any posts containing name-calling, profane language or personal attacks will be deleted.

-Do not post the same topic more than once or in more than one forum. Duplicate discussions will be deleted.

-Please do not repost anyone else’s work without permission.

-The Friendship Forum is not responsible for any member-posted information that violates copyright law.

I don’t see anything in that list indicating that one must register with a unique screen name and log in before leaving a remark, so I’m not sure if she still permitting people to post Anonymously or not.

I skimmed over some of the forums and still see some posts showing up under the name “Anonymous,” so I am guessing she is still permitting anonymous commenting to continue (which is a big mistake).

As for Irene’s odd trepidation over people quoting other people’s material on her forums or blog, is she not aware of the practice of Fair Use? It is perfectly legal and ethical to quote from other people’s work, especially if citation is given.

This comment,

“Personal attacks on other commenters will not be tolerated. You are free to challenge someone’s point of view, but please do so respectfully. Any posts containing name-calling, profane language or personal attacks will be deleted.”

is all well and good, but will she actually ENFORCE it? Probably not.

I first wrote about Irene’s false / inaccurate post here, so please see that for background information.

Before I get to that, I wanted to comment on some of the other content I saw in that thread (“This forum needs a registered moderator“) since I last left.

(I have not bothered at this time to read Irene’s new content which she pinned on top of Wonder Why’s original post at some stage, I don’t know when. I did skim what she wrote, but it seemed like a very long excuse and rationalization as to why she permits trolling to continue, such as she cannot “afford to hire a moderator,” and so on.)

One of the first things I noticed is that the trolling has taken off even more. The second half of that page (where I did not post as “Anonymous;” I posted under my screen name “Eagle Wings”) was filled with Anonymous posters either sniping at each other, pretending that they were me, or assuming other Anonymous posters were me (again, I didn’t post as “Anonymous” at that point).

I saw one or two posts by Wonder Why in that thread, which I discussed here. I left her one or two posts at Irene’s blog today as well.

I did leave a couple of posts clarifying things in that thread, such as:

Wasn’t Me

I don’t know who made that post, but it wasn’t me.

Which is the absolute truth; I was not the one who wrote a post called “Talk About Scapegoating,” but one or two trolls there were saying it’s me.

The trolling is so bad at this point, it’s rather hard to tell who is a genuine poster who finds me annoying, and who the trolls are (who don’t find me annoying but just saying they do to keep the chaos going).

For example, some rude idiot made this whiny post:

Two Peas in a Pod

you two are peas in a pod and both are rudeOn June 3rd, 2012 Anonymous said:

Wonder Why and Eagle Wings, who is the Anonymous poster Wonder Why just responded to but doesn’t seem to realize it, are alike: Both are repetitive in their whining about and obsession with Irene’s blog; both of them act like it’s their blog to run as they see fit. It’s not. If you don’t like it, leave. It’s that simple. Shut up and go away. You are both annoying as hell.

First of all, no, I was not the Anonymous poster Wonder Why was replying to at that point.

Secondly, as I have no idea if that person is an honest to goodness regular poster at The Friendship blog / forum or a regular, every day troll, I don’t even know how to respond to it. (I find the Anonymous trolling posters rude and annoying.)

I would say that the Anonymous posters who continue to post about Wonder Why and me (even though I stay away from that blog and forum for weeks or months) are obsessed.

I cut back my participation at The Friendship Blog, but Wonder Why and several of the same mean-spirited Anonymous posters continue to post there weekly or daily.

I’m interested in justice, which is why I keep writing about this and going back there – to defend myself and to warn others about the dangers of getting involved there.

I also refuse to be bullied away. I did nothing wrong.

I left one of the moronic, Anonymous bitches this reply (the one who said we were “peas in a pod”):

Wow, Anonymous. By that description, that makes Wonder Why, me, you and several other “Anonymous” posters at this site “ten (or more) peas in a pod” and “annoying as hell.”

To the Anonymous person who was slow to catch on as to why I made this blog (even though I explain it quite clearly in the “About” page and one of the earliest blog pages, and though it should be self evident to anyone with a working brain:

Anonymous said,
“I have two questions…One, what kind of person creates a blog that bashes another blog in the name of friendship and picks apart the postings on the blog?”

People who get flamed, harassed, and bullied from saying their piece on the original blog, maybe?

People who find their posts, where they are only defending themselves from the abuse, deleted, while the posts of the abusers are permitted to stand?

And the irony… you’re posting as “Anonymous.”

Anonymous said,
you two (WW & EW): Go outside, get some sun, get some air, get a life. I mean, try to make a life with good friends outside of this blasted friendship blog.

And you’re assuming I don’t do any of those things? Interesting.

By the way, I spend weeks or months away from this blog, but you and a few others are on here every single blessed day (which I can see from the time/date stamps when I do return) – and continue to insult people who haven’t been on the blog in weeks or months – that says a lot more about you than about them.

You do have to seriously wonder about posters at a blog who keep gossiping about a person (me) who only shows up to post about once every 3 to 4 months, if that.

COPY OF MY REPLY TO THE INACCURATE POST

Here is my reply to Irene, in response to her post about me (which I wrote of in the second half of this post at this blog):

Inaccurate

As my screen name was not specifically mentioned in your post, I’m not sure how much of it was about me, but it sure appears to be about me (in some parts). Your post, the portions about me, is not accurate or truthful. I did not make any “inappropriate comments.”

On the contrary, I was on the receiving end of “inappropriate comments.”

I was harassed frequently at your blog by people posting under the “Anonymous” moniker and, including, and astonishingly, by one member (Wonder Why) who made an entire thread for the express purpose of bashing me, and where readers joined in with more bashing in the comment area.
This nasty thread was permitted to remain standing, even though I asked in private that it please be removed.

The only purpose such a thread serves it to create a hostile atmosphere and to encourage even more abuse and more trolling to occur (which it did).

When I e-mailed you in private and asked you to put a halt to the abuse, you did not command me to stay away from your blog.

You merely suggested if I find it an uncomfortable place to post, that perhaps I should consider staying away.

I never agreed to stay away from your forums or blog permanently.

When I e-mailed you back, my overall response was a “You’re kidding right? I’m being abused at your blog, but you’re asking the victim (me) to stay away but permitting the abusers to continue posting?”

I notice since I’ve left that other people have also been stalked and harassed. Some have e-mailed me about it, and asked me to look at the posts.

I see that poster “Wonder Why” was trolled and abused in another thread in my absence (someone e mailed me and asked me to look at that thread).

Wonder Why does have an anger issue, but she appeared to be trying to keep her cool in that thread, and she asked for your assistance.

She asked for your protection from the aggressive people, but you sided with the aggressors against the victim (yet again), and actually suggested to her that she may be playing a role in her own abuse – as much as I dislike her personality, an objective reading of that thread shows someone (i.e., Wonder Why) getting unfairly beat up by several posters, by no fault of her own.

I find it terrible that not only do you permit people to be abused on your blog and forums, but when they voluntarily take a break from your site, you tell an inaccurate, false view about them in their absence to explain their departure.

I did not violate your blog’s guidelines. I truly tried to be helpful to the people who were posting here.

I have never left a link to this blog (‘The Unfriendly Friendship’ blog) at Irene’s site, but I guess someone else did, since Wonder Why claims she has visited this blog. I did e-mail a link to this blog to someone else, I made sure this blog’s URL was included in web search indexes, etc. The word needs to get out that the “Friendship Blog” can be an unhealthy place to post.

At any rate, while at the “Friendship Forum” today, I saw posts by other people I wanted to comment on at my blog, specifically this thread:

“This forum needs a registered moderator“
Earlier this month, Wonder Why left a post or two in that thread again (I don’t know if the link will work):

The problem is Irene lets people post Anonymously (posted June 3, 2012)

Here are a few quotes by Wonder Why from that post:

I went to Eagle Wings WordPress blog that was mentioned in a thread and read all of her posts bashing me, as well as bashing Irene’s friendship forum. While I agree with Eagle Wings that Irene needs to take some responsibility rather than continue to let this forum run rampant with trolls like the Wild West, I disagree that I’m the sole problem.

There are many anonymous posters here who create problems in people’s posts because they are an internet troll.

….Eagle Wings’ posts about codependency and her need to clinically label most posters as codependents isn’t the problem. It’s her right to post her opinions just as we all have a right to do that. I’m a little disturbed by the fact that Eagle Wings has written a whole bashing section about my posts here on her WordPress blog.
I’m certainly not the only named poster here who disagreed with Eagle Wings, but because I log in with a username, I become an easy target. If I were anonymous then she would be complaining about anonymous posters.

I never said at this blog or at Irene’s blog that Wonder Why is the “sole problem,” nor do I even give that impression here or at Irene’s blog, so I hope she was not attributing that view to me.

I have acknowledged here and at Irene’s blog many times that big problems with Irene’s Friendship Forums and Blog include the fact that she permits people to post as ‘Anonymous;’ that Irene does not keep order; and, more problematic and upsetting, is that Irene has a terrible tendency to blame victims for being abused, rather than the aggressors who are doing the abusing.

At this blog, I have made a few posts about the problem of permitting people to post as “Anonymous” at Irene’s blog such as:

Anonymous 1 and 2 at The Friendship Blog

A Warning About The Friendship Blog (mentions problems with Anonymous posters)

Since I know that Wonder Why visits this blog now, I wanted to point out a few things:

If you (or anyone) has an issue with me, please take it up with me directly. I have made my e-mail address readily available here and at Irene’s blog many times.

I also stated in the introductory posts at this blog that I will welcome posts by other people (even if they disagree with me – as long as it’s kept civil. Unlike Irene, I will not permit abusive posts).

However, this blog is moderated, and I don’t log in every day to check it. This means if you leave a post, it might be a few weeks before I log in to approve it to appear.

One huge symptom of codependents is that they are afraid of confrontation and will not speak directly to the person they have an issue with.

That Wonder Why keeps posting about me (and not TO me) at Irene’s blog, or that she won’t e-mail me or contact me herself at this one, is another red flag of codependency.

Wonder Why said,

Eagle Wings’ posts about codependency and her need to clinically label most posters as codependents isn’t the problem.

That’s interesting, because the reason Wonder Why gave as for why she blew her gasket at me, got angry with me, and made an entire thread to bad mouth me at the Friendship Forum is that she was perturbed and offended I dare to suggest she might be codependent, and that I gave her some links to sites about the topic.

Now she’s claiming that’s not so? Then what is the reason she made a nasty thread about me at Irene’s site?

I don’t hate Wonder Why, but aspects of her behavior or her unwillingness to apologize or admit to her wrong-doing and that she continues to act like she and she alone was victimized, is a definite put off.

You don’t unjustly erect an entire catty thread about me, when I did nothing to deserve it, especially when I had not even been to that blog in two or three months to defend myself, then have a right to act confused, incredulous or “creeped out” at Irene’s blog, in that:

“How can Eagle Wings have blog pages about me at her blog? That is so disturbing!”

(especially at a blog whose owner has a tendency to delete or censor posts, leaving me no choice but to make my own blog to ensure my posts stay available. It doesn’t take a genius to see why I made this blog).

This commentary at a ‘Psychology Today’ page (by H. E. Marano) reminds me of Wonder Why (in this story, I would be the doctor and Wonder Why is the patient):

The walk-in medical clinic was about to close for the day when Susan Biali got a call from one of her longtime patients. Could the doctor please hang in a bit longer? The caller was feeling very ill and needed to see her immediately. An exhausted Biali extended her already burdensome day and waited for the patient to arrive. Some time later, the woman sauntered in; she was perfectly fine.

She just needed a prescription refill.“She totally lied to me,” the Vancouver doctor recalls. “Afterwards, I was so upset that the degree of my reaction troubled me. I’m a general physician with some training in psychiatry. Yet I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why I was so bothered. I thought it was a flaw in myself.”

Eventually, she identified what set her off: “You think you’re in an innocuous situation—a typical doctor-patient encounter. But the woman took complete advantage of my compassion. Then, not only wouldn’t she acknowledge the lie, but she looked at me blankly and demanded, ‘Can’t you just move on and give me my prescription?’ She made me feel that I was the problem.”

Yep, Wonder Why remains obtuse or oblivious to how her wrong-doing or rudeness affects other people, like the patient in the story – but then she goes on to express confusion or ignorance at how or why you could possibly be upset with her.

As the writer goes on to explain,

[The MO of difficult people such as Wonder Why] is to provoke, then make you feel you have no reason to react—and it’s all your fault to begin with! Feeling deeply discounted, even totally powerless, while having to jettison the original aim of an interaction is a distressing double whammy of social life—and a cardinal sign you’re dealing with a difficult person. No, it’s not you. It’s them. And it’s the emotional equivalent of being mowed down by a hit-and-run driver.

I do agree with Wonder Why on some topics, like these (from the same post cited above):

….I was flamed and trolled aggressively in a recent thread that I created, with no intervention from Irene except for her to write that perhaps I contributed to the problem. Huh? That’s a lame excuse from a forum moderator. I did nothing to invite trolls to my thread. I refused to engage with them despite their vicious attacks.

Clearly Irene refuses to moderate the friendship forum which would clean up a lot of the trolling and post-flaming by anonymous posters.

…Which is why Irene needs to seriously consider changing the security settings here to require everyone to log in with a user name. Her blog here has been runover with trolls and she does little to stop it except to say that the blog is a laboratory for human behavior and that both the troll and the poster are to blame. That isn’t taking responsibility in my opinion for a problem that could easily be fixed with some moderation done and username required.

(I discovered on that follow-up visit to the Friendship blog and forum that Dr. Irene Levine made a false accusation about a poster (me), which I discuss towards the end of this post.)

Here was the thread this person wanted me to look at, which is a thread begun by member “Wonder Why“ (see also: Yep, Wonder Why is Codepdendent):

40s and full of acquaintances but no really close friends

The person who e-mailed me thinks Wonder Why sounds nutty in that thread.

The things that struck me about her main post and her follow up posts are as follows:

This post is about identical to an old one she made in the fall or winter of 2011 at Dr. Irene’s Friendship Blog; she already said months ago she’s in her 40s, is unmarried, lonely, can’t seem to make friends, and is frustrated by her perceived lack of success in life. Here she is in a post dated May 7, 2012, saying the same things.

In the comment field below her post, Wonder Why gets flamed, and yes, trolled, by several people who are posting as “Anonymous.”

Wonder Why also displays more codependent behavior, in that she still cares way too much about what other people think about her. Here’s another example:

In the original post she says,

“But when I tell people this decision to drop out and pursue full-time work in a few different fields, I feel like people hide their negative opinions of me behind polite smiles and excuses.”

It should not bother her to that degree if her friends don’t approve of or like her career or educational decisions. If she is still this consumed by other people’s opinions about her life decisions at age 41, she is very likely codependent.

I can’t quite tell if the first ‘Anonymous’ person to suggest that ‘Wonder Why’ join an Occupy Movement group was serious or trolling; that’s hard to say. However, after she replied to that person, the additional responses she got to that by other Anonymous people were most definitely trolling her.

I warned Wonder Why several months ago, before I took a two month break from the blog, that her constant posting to that blog was not helping her and may even be hurting her.

Not only was Wonder Why posting about her problems in life, but she kept giving advice to other people who wrote the blog members for advice. I suspect she is codependent.

Months ago, before I left the Friendship Blog/Forum for a two month break, I recommended some links and books for her on the subject I thought she would find useful.

I was actually trying to help her, but for some reason I don’t understand, my suggestion only made Wonder Why angry.

I only saw that my attempt at help made Wonder Why angry once I visited the forum again, where I discovered that in my two month absence, she had made an entire thread (located here) insulting me, and she joined in with the bitchy women in the comments field who were insulting me too.

I notice in her six plus months of posting at the Friendship Blog, Wonder Why’s situation has not changed or improved. She even says in one of her posts on that page (“Hi Sarah. I blame some of my” (posted on May 21, 2012)):

I see everyone’s life around me progressing forward while I sit and remain stuck in a holding pattern that my life has become…. I did waste a LOT of time spinning my wheels

And how does continually posting at The Friendship Blog about the same problems over and over for over six months help you to change course, or get “unstuck”? It doesn’t.

(I told Wonder Why around Decemeber 2011 or January 2012 that constant posting at that site wouldn’t be of much help to her, and I was right about that.)

If Wonder Why was looking for sympathy at that blog and not actual advice on how to get ‘unstuck’ in her life, that’s not worked out either, since the trolls and real posters (many of whom who are bitchy) left posts for her ranging in tone from mean-spirited and catty, to exasperated, impatient and cranky, such as…

Interesting Contradiction, by Anonymous

It finally gets to the point where “Wonder Why” finally experiences what myself and several others have in the past: many, but not all, of the people who post under the name “Anonymous” at the Friendship Blog are trolls, or are regular posters who take hateful pot shots at other people hiding under the “Anonymous” name.

Here is a link to Wonder Why’s post where she discusses the problems with Anonymous posters:
Hi Jacqueline, I agree with

Here’s a few quotes from that post by Wonder Why:

“I have no idea if the Anonymous posters are separate people or the same person. I posted a response to Irene to remind them again to stop posting antagonizing posts.

I refuse to engage with them as they seem to be looking for an argument – something that an internet troll does – post inflammatory, off-topic messages (like the You Should Join Occupy, etc. ) which are extraneous and meant to try to provoke an emotional response from me and disrupt the normal on-topic discussion about my original post. I do think the Anonymous posters are internet trolls. I only hope Irene can see that as well.

Trolls are very common in online discussion forums and unfortunately Irene’s Friendship Blog is vulnerable to them as well.”

Welcome to the club, Wonder Why! I was trolled horribly there, as were one or two other people who left (they e-mailed me to tell me about it). If not trolled, as I said, some of the “real” posters use the cover of the “Anonymous” screen name to insult other posters.

Here is how some of the “Anonymous” people react to being called out of their abuse under the ‘Anonymous’ name:

“anonymous posters are trolls” ??? !!! ???, by Anonymous

On May 24th, 2012 Anonymous said:
“You’re saying “anonymous posters are trolls.” That’s a HUGE segment of the population that comments on the friendship blog. So you’re saying this blog comprises mainly of trolls? You’re saying if some lonely, hurting soul who finds this blog and posts something, but doesn’t suit up, log in, and choose a “name” but for ease and anonymity uses “anonymous” is a troll? Really??
How about the hundred or so people who have written in with senior citizen heartaches, lost jobs, income, health, and with all that friends, too. Are they trolls because they didn’t write in with some made-up name??
REally? My my my.
That leaves about a handful of you who aren’t trolls.
What a silly, senseless, mean comment you’ve made. Think about your words, dear. Think about how it hurts people to trash them for something STUPID like using “anonymous.” “

Actually, Anonymous, Wonder Why is correct, at least on that issue.

Most of the people at the Friendship Blog and Forum, especially the ones who post as “Anonymous,” are trolls – or some are “real” posters, but they believe posting as ‘Anonymous’ gives them cover or excuse to act like total rude bitches to other people.

And they’re right about that so far, as the blog owner, Dr. Irene S. Levine, does NOTHING to stop this hideous behavior.

Anyway, if Wonder Why was looking for sympathy at the blog for her problems, she is at the wrong blog. Here are more catty or impatient replies she received:

So when someone pats you, by Anonymous

I do agree with this comment by that poster, which is what I basically told Wonder Why several months ago:

find a way to accept your life or do something to fix it. posting over and over is not living.

From another Anonymous poster to Wonder Why:

Therapy Isn’t Working

Quotes from that by an Anonymous poster (I thought this was rather harsh, but there was a grain of truth to it – not the part about Wonder Why being a troll, but the rest of it):

And you’ve been posting here for YEARS on an almost daily basis. You’re spinning your wheels all right.

I think at this stage it’s only reasonable to conclude that you are troll, but you don’t know it. You constantly seek attention and sympathy on this blog, which is what trolls are all about. No wonder it’s only newer posters who reply to your posts anymore. The old guard has grown tired of your recycled dramas.

This next post seems like a bonified troll post, someone who was keeping the pot stirred:

hullo to ‘therapy isn’t working’ by Anonymous

And a few posts down, Wonder Why says something that myself and one or two others have said before, months ago:

Hi Jacqueline: Don’t respond

On May 24th, 2012 WonderWhy said:
Hi Jacqueline: Don’t respond to the Anonymous posters because that’s what they want. That’s why they keep posting inflammatory comments. I’m ignoring their posts at this point. I agree with you that Irene should do something to the forums to make everyone have to register a username as Anonymous posters can post multiple times and “flame” threads” the way these Anonymous posters (or poster, for all we know) continues to.

Here’s where Wonder Why got extremely hypocritical:

It’s totally inappropriate

Quote by Wonder Why:

On May 22nd, 2012 WonderWhy said:
It’s totally inappropriate to use a Friendship blog to push your own political agenda with Occupy. Occupy is irrelevant HERE. This is a forum about friendship. Please don’t pollute my thread any further with Occupy chatter. Otherwise I will email Irene and ask her to block you.

But Wonder Why had no problems what- so- ever using that forum and blog to harass me (she made this abusive post about me a few months ago (“This Forum Needs a Registered Moderator“), and the blog owner refused to remove it, even after I asked her to).

So, Wonder Why thinks it’s suitable to use a forum or a blog to erect a thread bashing one specific person (me), but all the sudden, she cries foul when a few people tell her she ought to join the Occupy Movement?

At one point in this thread at that forum, someone under the name “Anonymous” (probably Wonder Why) left a post asking the blog owner, Irene, to please get the discussion on track and stop the trolling (“Irene Please Post To“), and he or she got this most unhelpful, oblivious response from Irene:

Reply to Wonder Why from Irene

On May 22nd, 2012 Irene said:

“Hi Wonder Why,

I agree that this blog is focused on friendship rather than politics but I think the poster really intended to make a suggestion he/she thought might be helpful.

Try not to react defensively and let it drop and I think the discussion will cease.

Thanks for your understanding and for bringing it to my attention.

Best, Irene”

I could have told Wonder Why that appealing to Irene’s sense of fairness, or trying to educate Irene on what trolling is, would be futile, but she gave this valiant attempt never the less:

Irene Please Read (a post by Wonder Why begging Irene, the blog owner, to please put a halt to the abuse and trolling)

Irene again shows a complete lack of understanding and caring about the abuse that goes on at her blog under the “Anonymous” screen name (or other names); here was Irene’s reply to Wonder Why about the abuse she was undergoing on Irene’s site:

Anonymous posters, etc. – From Irene

Here was a quote or two from that post by Irene (this is not the full post):

On May 25th, 2012 Irene said:

“Everyone has the option of posting anonymously here. I made that decision so there would be one less hurdle for those who come here to vent their problems and/or express their opinions.

….This site is really a laboratory for getting along with others. If an individuals finds him/herself attcked all the time, they need to look at their role in that, too.”

So Dr Irene views her forum and blog as a “laboratory”? As a place where people get abused, even though they are civil in their replies and have honestly tried to help other people, and she enjoys seeing how women get abused when they visit her blog?

Is her Friendship blog and forum one big experiment to see how online harassment plays out?

As for this comment Irene made to Wonder Why:

“If an individuals finds him/herself attcked all the time, they need to look at their role in that, too.”

That is a complete cop-out and avoidance of responsibility on Irene’s part.

While “Wonder Why” has displayed a tendency often to get angry easily, she was clearly being flamed and harassed in that thread by Anonymous posters, and she did not deserve that treatment. Neither did I deserve the abuse I got when I posted there, and I remained civil and calm, even when I was being attacked by multiple people.

Wonder Why, myself, and a few others who were attacked at Irene’s blog and forum did not “play a role” in getting abused. To suggest we were somehow to blame for being attacked is wrong, unfair, and reprehensible.

>Irene is not holding the abusers at her blog responsible, but is shunning and blaming the targets.

Another display of hypocrisy by Wonder Why: several posters there, and I believe “Wonder Why” may have been one of them, insulted me over the fact I often mentioned codependency. (For an explanation of this, see this post: “The Role of Codependency in Friendship“)

However, Wonder Why often manages to make most threads at the forum, even ones that were started by other people, about her. Or, if someone tries to interject something about themselves in a thread she began, Wonder Why gets irate, as in:

This Is a Friendship blog, by Wonder Why

On May 22nd, 2012 WonderWhy said:
“This is a Friendship blog. Please take your political agenda somewhere else. I’m irritated that you use MY situation to push your political agenda. Do you know how rude that is? GIve me a break. I’m 41. You are advocating Occupy which is totally inappropriate. Clearly you are bored and looking for any and all forums to push your Occupy agenda regardless of the forum. Unbelievable.”

So it’s okay with Wonder Why to tell people to ‘butt out’ of her threads (and she posted about her own problems in other people’s threads too), but if and when I tried to educated and help people who suffer from codependency in various threads, she (and others) accused me of “thread jacking.” The double standards at that site are incredible.

Blaming Victims For Being Victimized / False Accusation by Blog Owner Dr Irene S Levine

It’s truly disgusting about 90% of what goes on at “The Friendship Blog” – the negativity, the cattiness, people picking on one or two victims and singling them out for abuse until they speak up ask for help, and Irene tells them to get lost – and she wrongly accuses them of violating her site guidelines (post by Irene: “Violator of Blog Guidelines“)

For the record, I never violated Irene’s blog’s guidelines. (I did once paste in excerpts from a news article, with complete citation of my source, but that action is legal under ‘Fair Use’.)

That Friendship Blog and Forum could conceivably be a decent place to post if the blog owner, Irene, would halt the use of Anonymous posting, stop blaming the victims for being victimized, and make all posters act in a civil fashion.

I dropped by ‘The Friendship Blog’ set of forums not too long ago (this is the first time in months) and am amused by the irony I am seeing.

One woman wrote in one of those very long, meandering posts I wrote of earlier (and it’s only a part 1; I can only surmise there is a part two somewhere else on the forum).

The heading of this person’s post? “Ganged Up On.”

Ah yes, myself and a couple of other ladies were ganged up upon by regular members of that very blog.

We were called names, judged, subjected to “mean comments,” etc, all of which makes these newer posts at The Friendship Blog’s forums ironic too:

Friend Made Mean Comments

Judgmental Friends

Have I Been A Jerk?, a post by NYCity12.

Oh, NyCity12, you funny thing you. You’re actually asking a group that is comprised of 98% of jerks if you have been a jerk?

And this dear woman, ajnaT,  is asking a group which consists of 98 – 99% of bullies, about how to deal with bullies? Good luck with that.

Bullying Tactics

——————————————

PSYCHOLOGY TODAY PUBLISHED MY POST

As an aside, I am happy to see that the moderators at ‘Psychology Today’ approved of my post where I gave a warning about The Friendship Blog.

My comment appeared on the page about Angelina Jolie.

The comment page to that article: page link

My post specifically: my post on Psychology Today

A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

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I visited the Friendship Blog’s set of forums today (first time in a few months), and I see that ”Wonder Why” is still posting there. She really does feel compelled to hand out advice – classic sign of codependency.

Highly amusing is that in a post called ‘Have I Been A Jerk?,’ this person posing the question (“NYCity 12″) got advice from “Wonder Why,” who is one of several, well, jerks, who posts at The Friendship Blog.

Wonder Why’s post in reply: Friendship and Business Don’t Mix.

Wonder Why is one of the more pushy, judgmental, obnoxious members there, who is making what sounds like a clinical diagnosis of other people she’s never met, an activity which she screams at other people for allegedly doing on that blog.

Wonder Why’s post referred to above is date stamped May 17th, 2012. Goodness, she is still posting there, giving advice?

Here’s another reply she gave in another thread date stamped May 12, 2012.

And a thread created May16, 2012 by Wonder Why: Toxic Friend check list.

Wonder Why needs a “Codependent Checklist – Am I Codependent?,” so she can be informed of points such as the following and recognize herself on the list:

• If I spend most every day or every week at a friendship advice blog constantly dispensing advice, instead of just minding my own business most of the time and living my own life, I am probably codependent | (Source: Eagle Wings, who has read many blogs and a few books by licensed psychologists about codependency);
  

• I feel the best about myself when I am giving advice and/or handling a crisis situation. (source);
• Have a long history of focusing your thoughts and behavior on other people. (source);
• Are outwardly focused towards others, and know very little about how to direct your own life from your own sense of self. (source);
• Symptoms of Codependents: S/He feels compelled to help that person solve their problem – Controlling Behaviors: codependents try to control events and people through … threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.
• Codependency personality disorder is a condition in which a person focuses only living through or for another person, attempting to control the actions of others, attempting to “fix” others (source);
  
• [more] symptoms involve fixing or controlling others instead of facing internal pain, and failing to recognize the disease in oneself (source);
• An “expert” in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the codependent person tries to control others through overt or covert threats, coercion, compulsive advice giving… (source);
• the person who is codependent will often give advice without being asked, or will attempt to tell others how they “should” be behaving or feeling. If the other person does not take the advice, the person who is codependent will often feel angry and rejected (source)
  

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There are definitely haters and trolls at Dr. Levine’s “Friendship blog,” (www.thefriendshipblog.com/) and, unless she has changed things since I was last at her blog (which would be around January 2012), she refuses to do anything to stop them.

Here’s an article which gives tips on how to deal with those type of cretins.

How to respond to online haters

By Andrea Bartz and Brenna Ehrlich, June 2011

The page gives advice on how to handle trolls on Facebook and Twitter, and under the section headed “In the event of an all-out war” we read this:

The wonderful thing about the Internet is that it encourages everyone to have an opinion — and the horrible thing about the Internet is that it affords everyone the ability to express it.

As a general rule, if an under-the-bridge dweller sends you a mean e-mail, flames you in the comments section of your blog or pontificates on your unattractiveness under your latest cat grooming tutorial on YouTube, just don’t engage.

Said bumpy-faced one is looking to get a rise out of you, and executing a counterstrike will only result in more wholly eloquent zingers in the “YOUUUU SUKKKK” vein.

Sports columnist Jeff Pearlman decided to track down and confront his trolls for a CNN column and found the whole ordeal to be an exercise in futility.

“It’s sort of like stomping out ants with your foot,” he says. “It works temporarily, but then the ants come back even stronger. Truthfully, you’re better off pretending these people don’t exist. Because they’re crying to be noticed; to have the platform you have. Engage them, you make their wish come true.”

Still, that doesn’t mean you have to suffer in martyred silence all the time.

“We should remember that any information attached to our name, whether it’s accurate information we supply ourselves without thinking or mean-spirited and inaccurate statements made about us by haters, is going to stay online forever,” says Aboujaoude. “That is why standing up to hecklers can be an important part of maintaining our online reputation.”

A simple fix is simply deleting any outright racist, rude or misogynistic comments from your own personal domains, or flagging abusive sentiments on the domains of others, and then contacting the webmaster. Or, you could be a little more creative.

There have been some instances in which folks have stood up to trolls in a manner that entirely obliterated the original slight.

It’s Not Me, It’s You [A page about friendship break ups, from The New York Times]

If you would like to read the whole page, please click on that link.

Comments left by visitors to the page, which appear at the bottom of it, are also illuminating.

I see some of the same bitterness there by women that I saw at Dr. Irene’s “Friendship Blog.” Some women cannot handle or accept that a friend has broken up with them, or that friendship break ups are a part of life, so they become very bitter, angry people.

Here are a few high lights from the page:

by Alex Williams
January 28, 2012

….Not so in the real world. Even though research shows that it is natural, and perhaps inevitable, for people to prune the weeds from their social groups as they move through adulthood, those who actually attempt to defriend in real life find that it often plays out like a divorce in miniature — a tangle of awkward exchanges, made-up excuses, hurt feelings and lingering ill will.

….People start “dropping ‘starter friends’ from the early bachelor days, or early work associates, or early couples with little children like yours,” said Mr. Horchow, who wrote “The Art of Friendship: 70 Simple Rules for Making Meaningful Connections”…

Psychologists consider it an inevitable life stage, a point where people achieve enough maturity and self-awareness to know who they are and what they want out of their remaining years, and have a degree of clarity about which friends deserve full attention and which are a drain. It is time, in other words, to shed people they collected in their youth, when they were still trying on friends for size.

The winnowing process even has a clinical name: socioemotional selectivity theory, a term coined by Laura L. Carstensen, a psychology professor who is the director of the Stanford Center on Longevity in California. Dr. Carstensen’s data show that the number of interactions with acquaintances starts to decline after age 17 (presumably after the socially aggressive world of high school) and then picks up again between 30 and 40 before starting to decline sharply from 40 to 50.

….This is not, however, an issue that arises only as the temples start to gray. People approaching 30 — many of them dealing with life changes like marriage and a first child — often tend to feel overwhelmed with responsibility, so they lose patience with less meaningful friends, said Dr. Carol Landau, a clinical professor of psychiatry at Brown University’s medical school.

….But when the impulse [to end a friendship] is not mutual, it helps to undertake it with careful consideration.

“The first step before you end a friendship is to consider, very carefully and seriously, if you want to end a particular friendship or if you just want to wind it down,” said Jan Yager, a friendship coach and author of “When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You” (Simon & Schuster, 2002). “It will usually be a lot more pleasant to just pull away, and stop sharing as much privileged information.”

….TO avoid backbiting and lingering bad feelings, many relationship experts recommend the same sort of direct approach that one would employ in a romantic breakup. To get around nagging questions, an honest letter, or even an e-mail, is the minimum (forget texting; that’s just cruel). A heartfelt face-to-face talk is better, said Erika Holiday, a clinical psychologist in Encino, Calif., who has discussed relationship issues on television shows like “Dr. Phil.”

“Schedule a time where you can sit down with them,” Dr. Holiday said. “It’s not about putting the other person down, but telling them, ‘You don’t fit into my life, you’re not on same path as me.’ ”

A trial separation can soften the blow.

“You might also want to suggest a cooling-off, or a revisiting your friendship in X number of weeks or months,” said Dr. Yager, the friendship coach. “Your former friend will probably put more time and energy into the other friendships that are working and will forget about contacting you in time.”

Such a direct approach ultimately may be effective, but it still engenders the same pain and awkwardness as an actual breakup, said Erika Johnson, a blogger who lives outside Boston.

One is not required to sign in with a regular user name and verified e-mail, which makes trolling, flaming, and other harassment quite easy to achieve, and some there really do take advantage of it. If one does not log in, one’s posts will automatically appear as being by “Anonymous.”

I should also mention, though, the even members who register and use a regular screen name are pretty much permitted by Dr. Irene to flame and harass other members as well. It’s not only Anonymous members who create problems, but they do play a significant role.

I notice this following page, which I found today, contains much of the same information I gave Dr. Irene on how to cut down the amount of bullying and trolling that takes place on her her “Friendship Blog“

Topix Forums: Cyberbullying [how to put a stop to it]

…. While it may be too little too late for TOPIX, the following changes might succeed in demonstrating some ethical concern about the problem created by TOPIX FORUMS:

1) Make people register.
It’s not a perfect solution because anyone can make up an email address, but at least it gives people reason to pause before posting. It seems to have worked for the majority of blog sites.

2) Allow people who have been commented about to request removal [of abusive things that have been written about them].
Interestingly, TOPIX has been forced to do this in Switzerland, where the law gives one the right to not have comments made about them on the internet. No such law exists in the United States.

This also sounds a lot like Dr. Irene’s blog (this is about Topix; source) :

Katelynn, Ryan and Jasmine Bennett might be alive today if Topix did things differently.

Mother Amanda Bennett was distraught over marriage problems and decided to vent on the local anonymous Topix forum.

Posts blamed Amanda for the problems in her life and while others made more helpful comments, the reality is that hurtful comments on Topix are etched into eternity on the internet, giving the victim no hope of removing their sting over time.

Most respected forum sites would have abuse reporting and removal systems in place which would, when the thread gets too heated, allow for posts to be deleted.

Not so with Topix who tells people to use an abuse reporting system that they take months to respond to and history shows, rarely actually do anything.

That would have been months too late for Amanda whose life was in crisis and who needed to understand that the website that she was using is much more widely known for trolls and abuse than a destination for helpful life guidance.

Topix views all of it as free speech, but the problem is that by the time the legal system can activate the removal of posts through police or legal subpoenas its often too late. In many cases, what is posted simply might not break the law.

It just may be an opinion which is best withheld, a self restraint that Topix just can’t count on happening all of the time. And with nobody manning the phone at Topix.com there is almost nothing anyone can do until its too late and the police step in.

If you choose to visit that site, which consists of a blog and a forum, please only read it; just lurk. I cannot recommend people actually participate and leave messages.

I was mobbed at that site by several bullies, some of whom post as “Anonymous” instead of using unique screen names.

Members of ‘The Friendship Blog’ are not required to log in or use verified e-mail addresses to leave posts. That is something which is exploited by the bullies at that site.

The site’s owner, Dr. Irene, apparently refuses to curtail the bullying and harassment at her blog, or she seems unwilling to take stronger, more drastic steps to halt it (I write about that farther below, with examples and explanations).
She comes across as downright apathetic about the bullying that takes place on her site (again, more about that below).

This is a major reason I want to warn people to stay away, or at least do not post at ‘The Friendship Blog.’ Keep reading for more details…

I joined “The Friendship Blog” around fall of 2011.

For various reasons (one of which is that I was harassed at that site regularly), I stopped participating as much.

I did not visit or post to “The Friendship Blog” or its forum, for all of November or December 2011.

I did visit one day in early January 2012 and made a few posts there at that time.

I did not return to that site until today, January 31, 2012, because I received an e-mail from another member there, whom I will call “Harriet” (not her real name), who informed me a big fight broke out at the forum around January 26 or 27, 2012.

“Harriet” told me she had been bullied and harassed at Dr. Irene’s site as I had been before, and she was upset and angry about being bullied, and I did not blame her.

“Harriet” also told me she noticed that the site’s owner, Dr. Irene, seems afraid of conflict and will not stop the abusive people at the site, nor will she allow victims of abuse and bullying to defend themselves.

If you try to defend yourself from attacks, Dr. Irene will delete your ‘defensive’ posts but often (not always, but usually) permit the original offensive post by the bully who instigated the fight to remain – which is unfair to the target of the abuse, and it’s distasteful.

Both “Harriet” and I experienced this, and I saw it happen to a few other members.

Harriet said she does not believe she will return to “The Friendship Blog” ever again because it looks like it has been taken over by trolls, and she is still upset by the abuse she received there.

I e-mailed “Harriet” back and told her I was not aware of the fight, so I stopped by that site today to see what was going on.

I also told Harriet I’m sorry she was harassed.

When I returned to “The Friendship Blog” today, I was completely dumbfounded and surprised to see that other people there, including members “Wonder Why” and others who posted under the name “Anonymous,” continued to make rude, snide, bitchy comments about me at the site, even though I had not left a post there since early January 2012, and prior to that, I had not been to that site in two entire months.

One member, (“Wonder Why”), even made an entire forum thread basically devoted to bashing me, where in the comment section, she and several others piled on further, by insulting me even more.

(I wrote more about that in this post: “Member Wonder Why at The Friendship Blog“).

I was repelled and amazed by the fact that “Wonder Why’s” thread, which I think was dated late December 2011, has been allowed to remain in that forum this entire time, for about a month.

I thought, “Surely, Dr. Irene is not aware of this thread. Surely she would have removed a thread created for the primary purpose of harassing another site member, as is the case with this thread?,” so I e-mailed Dr. Irene about it, and sent her a link to that thread.

In the meantime, I scrolled down the page to see that Dr. Irene left a post to “Wonder Why” in a very genteel, understated way, essentially giving “Wonder Why” nothing but a “slap on the wrist,” for the incredibly obnoxious, totally-uncalled for post, saying, “Now, now, you don’t really want to post these things do you, and open a can of worms,” or something to that effect.

So Dr. Irene was aware that the thread was there – but did not remove it. There is no excuse for that.

When I checked my e-mail about an hour or two later, there was a reply from Dr. Irene where she basically told me she has no plans to stop the harassment and bullying.

Dr. Irene also told me she was “tired of the whole thing” (well, I’m tired of being abused at The Friendship Blog, hey!).

Dr. Irene informed me that “Wonder Why’s” post does not violate her site’s Terms of Service, which made my mouth fall open in astonishment.

I e-mailed Dr. Irene back and asked, among other things,

“So you are perfectly fine with people at your site leaving entire threads up devoted to harassing and bullying other members, even members who have not been to your site in months, who are not stirring up trouble?”

Dr. Irene advised me that since the people at her site seem to not get along with me, and I’m upset by some of their replies, that I should stop visiting her site.

I wrote Dr. Irene back and told her I was shocked by her attitude.

I was being victimized, but instead of protecting me and the other bullied people at her site (as she should be doing), she was enabling the bullies at her site by not doing anything to halt their behavior.

She’s a therapist, you’d think she’d realize the harm in enabling bad behavior and looking the other way, but apparently not.

Dr. Irene owns the site but in some ways refuses to take responsibility for what goes on there. She refuses to hold people accountable for their harassment and bullying of other people.

This harassment has driven away a few people already (some have e-mailed me to tell me so).

A few people, including me, told Dr. Irene on her site and in private messages that things will not get better at her site until she forces everyone to log in before posting and use a verified e-mail address. That is one small step that might improve things a little bit.

Dr. Irene is concerned if she does not permit people to post as “Anonymous” it will scare people from posting at all. I tried telling her that people do not have to use their real name to post there or their primary e-mail address.

Also, her concern about that is silly, considering it is the unchecked bullying and harassment which is scaring people away from her site, not the ability or inability to post as “Anonymous.”

Dr. Irene also needs to tell people they can no longer post rude comments about people who are not even posting there any more (or rarely), that if they have something to say to someone who has upset them, they need to reply to that person’s post directly.

I made many sincere attempts to resolve differences with other people at Dr. Irene’s “The Friendship Blog,” but the bullies there made no attempt to meet me half way.

I am an opinionated person, so I will defend my views when they are challenged. I have just as much right to post to “The Friendship Blog” as anyone else there.

At this stage in my life, I no longer permit myself to be treated like trash by rude people, so I will stand up to them, including on blogs and forums – but I do not intentionally try to create problems on forums and blogs that I post on.

Dr. Irene told me privately that she appreciated the positive contributions I made at her site, but if that were true, would she not want to encourage me to return to keep making those contributions, instead of encouraging me to stay away, and let the bullies and trolls stay in charge of her site?

As it remains now, with her ‘hands off’ policy towards mobbing and bullying, she is fostering a very toxic atmosphere.

By permitting the abuse to take place on the blog and forum (by refusing to ban or reprimand bullies), she is encouraging the abuse to continue or intensify.

Dr. Irene’s “The Friendship Blog” is a toxic, toxic place to participate on. It’s a very toxic environment. It is, ironically, a very Unfriendly Friendship Blog.

February 1, 2012 update

“Harriet” e-mailed me again to let me know she visited Dr. Irene’s “The Friendship Blog” earlier this morning, where she saw a couple of posts by other people that ‘expressed concern about the direction the forum was taking.’

Harriet said when she visited later, both posts had been deleted (no doubt by Dr. Irene).

I have not been to Dr. Irene’s “The Friendship Blog” since yesterday (very late January 31 or the very, very early hours of February 1), so I did not see those posts myself, but I do take Harriet’s word for it.

If You Have Been Abused or Harassed at The Friendship Blog

If you were bullied or treated badly at The Friendship Blog, and you’d like to share your story on this blog, please e – mail me with your story (my address is wingseagle27 AT yahoo DOT com), and I can make a guest post on your behalf here. You are also welcome to log in and leave posts discussing what happened to you.
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The Friendship Blog – link is to this blog

BEING DUMPED BY A FRIEND – should you explain why you’re dumping? The Great Controversy

The question “Why, why did my friend of five (or ten/ twenty) years dump with me no explanation?!” surfaced a lot at “The Friendship Blog”, and it began a few debates.

Most of the women at “The Friendship Blog” think if you break up with a friend, you should always tell the friend exactly why you’re doing so.

I was dumped quite a bit by friends growing up, and I’ve broken up with a few, so I’ve experienced both situations.

When I was younger, it used to bother me to be dumped with no explanation, now that I’m older, it doesn’t bother me as much.

I could not get the people at that blog to realize that being dumped should not paralyze you, and you should not permit it to do so.

You should not dwell on being dumped for months or months, or to the point it’s prohibiting you from living and enjoying life.

Being dumped is no reflection on you or your worth. You have value whether or not your friend remains your friend or chooses to stop having anything to do with you.

So what if your friend of 5, 10, or 20 years broke up with you? Allow yourself to cry over it for a few weeks, maybe a couple of months, but move on already. You’re only hurting yourself by dwelling on it week after week.

I saw women on that blog who were still getting worked up over having been dumped by a friend a year, or over three or four, years ago.

I totally get feeling a pang of sadness even 10, 30, or 50 years after thinking about being dumped by a friend with no reasons given, but I’m talking about some women who are absolutely immobilized by it.

Their entire happiness was dependent on this person accepting them and being in their life.

One woman at “The Friendship Blog” said in one thread ‘the dumping’ took place about four years ago, and she’s spent every day since laying in bed with the shades drawn crying about it.

That does not sound good or healthy to me, but did anyone in that thread encourage her to get help, to move on? Oh no, they just said “poor you, you poor dear.”

I was one of the few who said she sounds like she’s in deep trouble and may want to see a therapist, as spending three or four years still wounded from a friendship break up sounded very extreme.

For saying that, I was shouted down and people told me I’m cruel. I guess I’m supposed to prefer knowing this woman will spend the rest of her life curled up in a fetal position in a dark room somewhere?

So I take it ten, twenty, thirty years from now, she will still be in that bed, crying, and meanwhile, life has passed her by, and that is just fine with the other women who post to that blog and forum.

The literature says most people take roughly two to three years to begin recovering from the death of a family member.

Death is far, far sadder, far more traumatic, and obviously more permanent than a friendship break up, and one always has the chance of making a new friend. (I had to endure the death of someone very close to me, so I speak from experience.)

If someone can begin recovering from a death after three years, I have a hard time wrapping my head around someone who is still moping around four years after a friendship breakup.

Being dumped and rejected is a part of life.

You will grow apart from, or be rejected by, friends, boyfriends, bosses, neighbors, and everyone else as you go through life, at one time or another.

I’ve seen so many therapists and psychologists even mention all these things (I’ve learned it through first hand life experiences), and yet, when I mentioned these facts of life at that site, I got yelled at, accused of being mean, hostile, a troll, etc.

It’s utterly amazing to me how so many women are unwilling or afraid to face reality and want to remain trapped in the despair and hopelessness.

I guess they prefer weeping into their pillow night after night ruminating on why their friend dumped them rather than healing and moving past it and enjoying life once more.

Many of these women are choosing to remain in misery. You have to make a decision to leave that place of despair, and it does take a little work or effort.

One reason I did not cover in the other posts has to do with the mind-numbing repetitiveness at the site. (Not just that site, but almost every advice site or newspaper column out there I’ve ever seen.)

Some of the bullies at “The Friendship Blog” complained and whine that they thought I mentioned codependency too much.

The reason I brought the topic of codependency up as often as I did at the “The Friendship Blog” is because most people are codependent to one degree to another. I see it all the time in the questions they write in or the problems they write about, so yeah, I’m going to mention it.

The Very Long Posts

I also got to the point where I could no longer bear to read through the extremely long, meandering posts at “The Friendship Blog.”

The site’s main purpose is for people to write in with questions for advice.

Ironically, member “Wonder Why” was the first to be very blunt and tell one woman something like, “If you would shorten your post, you’d get more replies; it’s far too long right now.”

When I pretty much did the same thing a couple or weeks or months later with a different visitor (but I was not as blunt as “Wonder Why” had been; I tried to be polite about it), I was jumped on by other members (including, if I recall correctly, the immature, rude, and abusive Anonymous 1) for asking one woman if she could shorten her very long post.

The woman’s post was so long, I had trouble understanding it. I could not figure out what advice she was seeking.

I cannot understand why most women feel it’s necessary to spend thousands and thousands of words to describe a small fight they had with a female friend the day before (which is a typical problem that gets mentioned at that site often).

They will frequently go into very long, irrelevant details before asking you their question.

Instead of getting to the bottom line and saying, for example,

“My friend Betty of ten years yelled at me yesterday when I dropped a soda on her floor, and now she won’t speak to me, can you tell me what to do?,”

Such women will instead throw in 100,000 billion paragraphs of additional, useless details that go back ten years such as-

“And ten years ago, Betty and I went to my cousin Fred’s sister’s wedding.

Six years ago, Betty said she liked my hand-knitted winter scarf made from Yak fur, and she looked angry when I said I wouldn’t loan it to her.

Betty and I both enjoy Rocky Road ice cream, except lately, she prefers Vanilla. Do you think that means anything? Betty’s brother Sam, who is in the Marines (I totally have a crush on him, squee OMG!11!!!), is allergic to carrots.

Did I mention that seven years ago, Betty’s favorite color used to be purple, but now she says it’s green?”

Some of these women will go on and on and on AND ON like that for many more paragraphs.

My eyes glaze over after the third paragraph of trivia. I can’t even figure out what it is they’re getting at, or why they’re writing to the blog to begin with.

I mentioned on that site that I noticed (and this is true) that the longer posts that go on for many paragraphs or pages usually get little to no replies.

I suggested that if people shorten their posts and get to the point, they’d probably get more advice and input, which is why they are posting there, after all.

For giving that salient bit of advice, I was insulted a tiny bit and depicted as being a heartless wench… and in the meantime, the really long posts there still do not get any, or not many, replies (I was correct, in other words).

Fake Niceness and Ineffective Advice

Many people at that blog are too nice, or try to act as though they are nice, by dancing around issues instead of speaking more directly to people.

Many of the people at “The Friendship Blog” are so “fake nice” they aren’t willing to do or say things that will be of actual benefit to people who have problems there. They’re ineffective.

(I should add that the “niceness” one sees at the site is most definitely “fake” among most of the members. Many of them, right below the surface, are catty and are bullies. I sincerely tried to be genuinely nice to everyone there, even the abusers, up until I was fed up with being consistently harassed.)

I also noticed that most women who visit that site to pose a question do not usually bother to read posts by other people at that site who have problems that are similar to their problem. It was rather rare at that site.

If, for instance, someone named “Julie” writes in to that forum to say, “My friend’s dog barfed on my sofa, how do I handle this?,” and “Teresa” comes by two weeks later with the same (or similar) problem, “Teresa” will not read “Julie’s” post with all its wonderful replies from other visitors from two weeks before.

When women show no willingness to learn from other people’s mistakes, experiences, and input and make some effort to solve their problems, it gets a little tiring – and repetitive. But it happens a lot at that site.

Please see Part 2 of this post:

Dumping a Friend: Should You Always Give that Friend an Explanation?

On the contrary, I would not discuss the topic if it were not relevant, obviously.

The vast majority of the problems I see on advice blogs and sites are by people who display codependent tendencies.

I suffered from codependency myself for many years of my life (something which I mentioned many times at the blog, yet some of the women there act ignorant of that fact), so I am well acquainted with it and can easily spot it in others. One does not need to be a therapist, psychiatrist, or psychologist to recognize it in other people.

I also notice that because they are typically replying to codependents, that therapists, including Dr. Irene, who owns “The Friendship Blog,” gives the same type of advice repeatedly.

Codependents have many habits and symptoms, one of which is that they are scared or reluctant to confront people directly.

This is why one will frequently see women write in to say things such as, “Can someone please tell me why my friend Mary of five years has suddenly stopped talking to me?,” and the therapist will ask her, “Have you asked Mary why she no longer talks to you?,” and the woman will almost always reply, “No I have not asked her. I am afraid to.”

I see that sort of pattern all the time in posts at “The Friendship Blog,” at other blogs, and in conversations with other women in real life. That is the one reason I mentioned codependency as often as I did at “The Friendship Blog.”

I was not bringing up the subject of codependency for the heck of it or for no reason, but because I see it in so many people who write in for advice.

I think “Wonder Why” and I began posting to Dr. Irene’s “Friendship Blog” about the same time, in the fall of 2011.

If I recall correctly, “Wonder Why” said in some of her first posts that she cannot understand why she has a hard time making friends or keeping friends.

“Wonder Why” recently turned 40 years old, is not married, and has gone through some kind of realization that she deserves to be treated better by people, so she began ruthlessly pruning friends from her life who she believes treat her shabbily.

I’ve no problem with any of that. More power to her if she’s taking charge of her life and is not permitting people to use her, treat her with disrespect, and so forth. Good for her.

I even felt a little sorry for “Wonder Why” months ago when she seemed to indicate that she is lonely and does not know how to make or keep friends.

About a month ago, I left her a reply where I was honestly trying to help her.

I do not think “Wonder Why” realizes how she comes across to people. If she behaves in “real life” the way she does on Dr. Irene’s “Friendship Blog,” it’s no mystery to me why she is having a hard time making friends or keeping the few she has.

My honest assessment here, and I’m not saying this to be cruel, is that “Wonder Why” more often than not put forth a very aggressive, rude, bitter, hostile, angry personality at the blog, and I don’t think she even realizes it.

Or, maybe she suspects it but does not care to change.

“Wonder Why” is extremely judgemental towards other people, almost always assumes the worst of them, attributes negative motives to them when there may not be a need to, and she is unwilling to cut her friends slack for having flaws and making mistakes.

“Wonder Why” mentioned she had a friend of so many years who was a hoarder, and the hoarder friend would sometimes fall asleep on dinner dates, or show up late.

“Wonder Why” said she had enough of this, thought the woman’s living conditions were disgusting, and thought it was the height of insult the woman would show up late to movie dates.

“Wonder Why” says she phoned the hoarder woman friend up one day and chewed her out royally over the phone for at least 30 minutes. (I think she may have said she chewed the woman out on other occasions, too, I don’t remember.)

Would anyone here reading this honestly want to stay friends with someone who phones them up and screams at them, and nit picks at them for 30 minutes or more? Neither would I.

I want to emphasize I have no problem with someone confronting a friend and letting them know their tardiness or whatever is a problem, but one does not have to go about it in such a rude, mean, overblown, hostile fashion, but this seems to escape “Wonder Why’s” mind.

On another occasions, “Wonder Why” expressed anger at other women over incidents I thought were trivial.

I don’t recall the exact details, but one incident had to do with a woman who would not meet “Wonder Why” for coffee after extending a coffee invite, and another woman who would not permit her inside her home one day.

Both incidents caused “Wonder Why” to become furious, which I could not understand. I can understand feeling a little miffed by either scenario, but not completely infuriated.

I notice that “Wonder Why” was posting to Dr. Irene’s blog and forum almost daily or weekly for months.

I had cut back my participation myself. I went from posting daily to about once a month, or once every two months.

I did additional reading about codependency awhile back and learned that it is a deeply ingrained habit of codependents to want to give advice to other people (they feel almost compelled to do so), and some of them become angry when, or if, others do not take that advice. All of that describes “Wonder Why’s” behavior perfectly.

“Wonder Why” was frequently posting to “The Friendship Blog,” giving advice constantly to other people, and she would appear to get quite angry, offended, or frustrated if other people would not take her advice or agree with it.

That, combined with her new sense of wanting to now possess a willingness (where there was not one before) to confront friends for perceived slights, make me think that “Wonder Why” realized that she’s codependent too, and that she is trying to fight it.

When I gave “Wonder Why” some links about codependency about a month or two ago, and pointed out to her that it might be hurting her to post at Dr. Irene’s blog as often as she was, I was sincerely trying to help her.

By the way, before I return to that topic, it’s hypocritical for “Wonder Why” to accuse me of “thread jacking” with my posts about codependency (as she did in a few posts), when she has the tendency to turn almost every post another person makes all about her or her friendship problems.

Because “Wonder Why” has, she feels, been treated disrespectfully by friends in her own life, she assumes that almost every woman who writes in to that site must surely be responsible for the deteriorating friendship they’re writing in for advice about.

“Wonder Why” will therefore harangue, scream at, and brow beat many women who post there, from the very moment they leave a post.

I’m sure most of these women who write in are largely innocent, but “Wonder Why” immediately jumps in and assumes they are guilty and commences with lecturing them on what they did wrong.

About three or four days ago, I got an e-mail from another member of Dr. Irene’s “Friendship Blog” (let’s call this person “Harriet” – not her real name) who told me a big fight broke out at the forum the other day, which is why I went there today to visit to see what was going on.

I had not been to that site in about three or four weeks until today (January 30, 2012).

While I was at “The Friendship Blog” and skimming over various forums (link: The Friendship Blog’s Forum) and threads, that was when I found a particularly disgusting, atrocious, thread, begun by “Wonder Why,” the sole purpose of which, under the guise of requesting a forum moderator (as Dr. Irene’s blog has no moderator), was to mention me by screen name there and insult me repeatedly.

But it did not stop there; several other people, most of whom are cowards who post under the default name “Anonymous” (they will not use normal screen names) all piled on to insult me in the comment section of that thread.

“Wonder Why” also jumped in to bash me and run me down some more.

That particular thread is located in that boards’s “Rants and Raves” forum in a thread called ““This Forum Needs a Registered Moderator”“

Please bear in mind I had not been to that blog or forum in about a month. I had visited one day in early January 2012.

I had stayed off that blog and forum for all of November 2011 and all of December 2011, if I remember right.

I do definitely remember taking a two month break from “The Friendship Blog” at some point recently.

I was surprised to log in today to see an entire thread (begun by “Wonder Why”) which seems to exist mainly for the purpose of insulting, bullying, and smearing me.

In that thread, “Wonder Why” said,

For example, the registered poster EagleWings who clearly wants to diagnose me and others who disagree with her posts, as codependent personalities, who also wants to post articles about codependency when its unsolicited and not relevant to the conversation thread.

It is entirely relevant, because “Wonder Why” exhibits several codependent characteristics – along with extreme anger, hostility, and bitterness, which is why she will never be able to make friends.

Instead of speaking to me directly, “Wonder Why,” with that very thread she began, engaged in the classic codependent tactic of being passive aggressive and complaining about me to a third party (the other members, the blog owner).

I also pointed out to her in a post in that thread today,

You have my e-mail address, as I leave it at the bottom of many of my posts; why did you not contact me in private about this, and /or contact Irene in private? You really find it necessary to drag my name up in public?

Why these catty women insist on being passive aggressive and will not speak to me directly on that forum/blog or e-mail me to try to resolve issues with me is beyond me. I suspect they are cowards.

Most women at that forum and blog prefer to talk amongst themselves about me (even when I’m not there for weeks on end), but not try to work out a compromise by speaking with me. It’s very immature, catty, bulllying like behavior, and Irene, who owns the blog and forum, basically refuses to put a halt to the it.

I went from feeling a tad sympathetic to this “Wonder Why” person for her loneliness and lack of friends to now having next to no sympathy.

She refuses to take responsibility for her own actions, or from taking steps to improve herself and prefers to take constructive criticism the wrong way and bully someone (me) on a blog/forum.

If you go through life judgmental, bitter, and angry as she appears to do, you are going to repel people, not attract them. She is her own enemy, not me.

I have to give “Wonder Why” huge credit for at least posting under the same screen name at “The Friendship Blog” consistently; most of the cowards there post with the name “Anonymous.”

However, “Wonder Why’s” other behavior, particularly creating a thread for the primary purpose of harassing another member (me), is totally unacceptable.

There is a blog and a series of forums there.

It seemed like a pretty nice site at first, and I would drop in and visit daily. I enjoyed chatting with other people there, and I sincerely wanted to help people who wrote in for advice.

Within my first few days of posting there, however, a poster who posts as “Anonymous” began pestering me and harassing me. I will refer to this person as “Anonymous 1,” although her screen name is displayed on the site as “Anonymous.”

People at Dr. Irene’s blog can post as “Anonymous.”

One is not required to sign in with a regular user name and verified e-mail, which makes trolling, flaming, and other harassment quite easy to achieve, and some there really do take advantage of it. If one does not log in, one’s posts will automatically appear as being by “Anonymous.”

You can read more about what a problem it is to permit people to post Anonymously at forums and blogs at this page, which I found today (February 1, 2012):
Topix Forums: Cyberbullying

Within my first week or two at that site, this particular Anonymous poster, “Anonymous 1″ would leave catty, snotty messages about me.

It began when some 20-something girl named Lori or Laura wrote in to say she was having problems with a female roommate who was a lesbian and had a crush on her.

Because I could not understand everything this Laura person was saying, I had to ask her follow-up questions, so I could offer advice.

Me asking this Laura person questions really, for some reason I do not fathom, angered and annoyed “Anonymous 1.”

“Anonymous 1″ would usually complain about me to Irene, the site’s owner, in those threads, rather than speak to me directly – which is terribly immature, codependent, catty, passive-aggressive behavior.

“Anonymous 1″ would say things about me to others such as,

“Eagle Wings is acting like a hall monitor. Dr. Irene, tell Eagle Wings to stop “grilling” people who write in for advice. She treats them like they are on a witness stand.”

“Anonymous 1″ would also say things such as,

“Dr. Irene, tell Eagle Wings to stop acting bossy. She is not a moderator here. Tell her to stop acting like this is her blog. It is not her blog”

If I remember right, within a few days or weeks, “Anonymous 1″ also began insisting that Dr. Irene ban me or remove my posts, or implying that I should be removed.

Here “Anonymous 1″ was accusing me of acting bossy and ordering people around and telling them when, how, and what to post (which I was not doing), but she herself was doing this, she was the one acting bossy and so forth.

“Anonymous 1″ is a hypocritical jerk.

I imagine, given the amount of immaturity and passive aggressiveness she displays, that she must be a 20 year old college kid sucking up Ramen noodles in her dorm room. I have a very hard time believing she’s over 30 years old.

That whiny, little passive-aggressive rat continued for months afterwards (even when I would stay away from that site for weeks) to pester me, leave rude comments about me, and whine, whine, whine. I’ve never seen anyone whine as much as she does. She needs to grow up.

She’s also a coward. She will not post under a single screen name and stick to it, but always posted as “Anonymous.” Way to take responsibility for your own views and actions!

I asked her numerous times to speak to me directly on the blog, or to e-mail me (and I gave her my e-mail publicly) so that we could discuss our differences, and I was quite willing to remain polite to her, but she always refused… because she’s a cowardly, immature dolt who prefers to tattle and whine to a third party, the site’s owner.

Anonymous 2

There was another Anonymous poster at “The Friendship Blog” (I will call her “Anonymous 2″) who gave me grief at that blog too. I may discuss her later, but what I will say for now is this:

“Anonymous 2″ had the rude habit of running around telling me that I am a “coward” (which is ironic, considering she posts as “Anonymous” and I at least used a screen name), and so on.

Her rationale for calling me a “coward” is that I do not always believe it is necessary for one friend to tell another why she’s being broken up with.

“Anonymous 2″ also made cheap shots about my family member’s death, in a thread where some young lady was talking about friendship problems, where I mentioned my family member’s death, to try to give encouragement to the young lady.

Interestingly and inexplicably, Dr. Irene, who runs the blog, did not delete that highly offensive and disgusting post, but removed mine, the one where I told “Anonymous 2″ that her post was reprehensible.
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I notice this following page, which I found today, February 2, 2012, contains much of the same information I gave Dr. Irene on how to cut down the amount of bullying and trolling that takes place on her her “Friendship Blog”:

Topix Forums: Cyberbullying [how to put a stop to it]

…. While it may be too little too late for TOPIX, the following changes might succeed in demonstrating some ethical concern about the problem created by TOPIX FORUMS:

1) Make people register.
It’s not a perfect solution because anyone can make up an email address, but at least it gives people reason to pause before posting. It seems to have worked for the majority of blog sites.

2) Allow people who have been commented about to request removal.
Interestingly, TOPIX has been forced to do this in Switzerland, where the law gives one the right to not have comments made about them on the internet. No such law exists in the United States.