http://thewildmagazine.com/blog/interview-philip-laratt-smith-discusses-bruce-nauman-exhibition-mindfuck/#sthash.RmJv3BGB.dpuf

Tenacious Traveler (Photo credit: Another Pint Please…)

I have decided for the first time since my treatment began that I am going to go off my meds for the next few days. I am hoping for a biological reset, as I delayed taking my meds today by four hours and got all sorts of fucked up because of it. I need a break. I am also going to a work event on Monday with an open bar. So now I am trying to figure out if the event went with the cheap open bar of wine and beer only, at which point I will try and see if they have draft for Curious Traveler Shandy, and if they sprung for the top-shelf bar I will have myself some vodka sodas and screwdrivers.

My bitch sister is constantly looking at my screen. Don’t know what for, I am not that interesting. Anyway, I am hoping taking a break will allow my stomach to relax since I have felt a bit sick lately and I plan to start taking meds again on Tuesday night, for two reasons: 1) 24 hours after my outing, to clear my system 2) I have been responding by becoming groggy as of late and I am hoping this will help me sleep and not interfere with my daily life as it has been doing in the past week.

Go the Fuck to Sleep (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So fuck, I’m a manic depressive, co-dependent, soon to be unemployed by the way, borderline alcoholic. Da fuck else can I get myself into?

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With my first, and technically, only, boyfriend/husband, Mister Asshole, I wouldn’t go anywhere near his junk with anything but my vagina. For a myriad or reasons, but mostly because I have an incredibly strong gag reflex. Smells, sights, and tastes can make me upchuck instantly. I don’t necessarily have a sensitive stomach as much as a sensitive throat for whatever reason. I guess my sphincters are loose. Who really cares? The point is that I was truly disgusted by the thought of sticking a dick in my mouth. I tried a few licks here and there but I was truly disgusted and it wasn’t gonna happen much to Mister Asshole’s chagrin.

I spent about three years in community college “finding myself” before transferring to a university in the city to get my degree. It’s not a shit degree like Business or Psychology or English Literature, but sometimes it does feel just as useless. My particular major was impacted and had only about fifty people in the cohort so we got to know each other really well. We basically all saw each other for at least eight hours a day 3-5 days a week depending on the schedule. It was brutal, but it was my passion so it was actually really fun. One day I ask my lab partner if he wanted to go study with me for our upcoming exam in one of our classes. Some dumb twot overheard me and invited herself along. I was super pissed because she seemed stupid and I figured she’d just way us down. That dumb twot was La Naca, and that’s where our friendship began. She’s not stupid, and we spent literally about a thousand hours together studying for all our insane metabolism, biochem, and food science classes. At first I was closed off and a bitch like I had been my whole life, only allowing one person space in my life. I had my family and I had my husband and I literally didn’t need any friends. I had people I hung out with now and again, but honestly Mister Asshole was my world and I wasn’t looking to care at all about any other human beings. But we saw so much of each other and she’s just so damn friendly that I couldn’t help but like her. Eventually I was able to open up and make quite a few really good friends at college that I cherish to this day, but it wasn’t easy and they definitely were all whores (in a good way).

In one of our frequent study breaks, the topic of oral sex arose to which I explained my very rigid (pun intended) stance. She starts regaling me with stories and how sucking dick is her favorite thing to do, how it’s so sexy and fun, and how amazing she is at it. I am appalled and tell her I hate girls like her because they make proper ladies like me look bad. I like getting pounded what’s wrong with that? Why do I have to feel like a freak just cause I don’t want cock in my mouth? Anyway, I decided that with this thrilling endorsement I should go home and try it out. I convince Mister Asshole to let me drink a bottle of vodka and go down on him. It doesn’t go well….for 45 minutes I try and try but to no avail. Honestly, I’d never done it before so I had no clue what to do. In the end I believe I just threw my hands in the air and gave up.

A couple of months go by, I graduate, and our marriage falls apart. This is when I receive a friendly text from another undergraduate acquaintance My Little Firecracker. She is a 4’11″, hypersexual, ultramanipulative Filipina who loves to eat fatty, salty food with me, and we get along swimmingly. I love this girl. She is so strong and beautiful even though she’s suffered some terrible hardships, and she gave me the gift of penis gobbling which I’ll cherish forever. Randomly after graduation and post break-up she called and invited me to dinner and a movie. I drove out to see her and we had a ball even though the whole time I was pretending my marriage wasn’t falling apart and that I wasn’t suffering crazy anxiety and depression. We talked about our men and all kinds of stuff and yet again oral sex becomes our main topic of conversation. I am against and she is for. I explain my hesitations and the 45 minute story, and she explains its probably because I don’t know how to give a proper BJ that I don’t like doing them, and that making a man cum in your mouth is an awesome experience that makes you feel very powerful as a woman.

Now even though Mister Asshole and I are technically broken up at this point, I’m still going over to his (used to be our) house to teach him how to cook, do laundry, an basically take care of himself, since I had been doing it for the last five years. I ask My Little Firecracker to text me specific step-by-step instructions on how to blow a man. She sends me the following text (this was awhile ago so I’m paraphrasing a bit):

Start by kissing the head, then start licking it, put the tip in your mouth and swirl your tongue around, spit and lick the whole penis so it’s lubed up, next put as much of the shaft as you can in and move it in and out while working your hand up and down the shaft, increase in speed. Try to hum while your doing it. Let me know how it goes!

With this newfound knowledge I blew that man in seven minutes and swallowed every last drop of cum, and I wanted to do it again and again. She was right. Nothing made me feel more powerful and sexy than giving head, and to this day it’s literally one of my favorite things to do in bed. I like sucking dick more than most gay men I’ve met. I love it and I’m pretty sure the men I sleep with love it too as I have yet to hear any complaints. I realize that their are many feminists or women’s lib or old school men and women out there that completely disagree with me and think it’s degrading and humiliating and set’s backs the advancement of women by a century. I understand their point of view because I definately used to feel the exact same way. However, please hear me out….

It’s been an ongoing theme in our society that women are prudish and fridgid and men have sex all the time and cheat with prostitutes. I’ve not lived too long, but long enough to know that this isn’t true. Many women I know have strong libidos and a lot of them want sex more than their man does. Many men save their virginity for the “right” person and want to have sex once a month at most. I think genetics and upbringing have a lot to do with the emphasis you put on sex in a relationship and more often than not abuse plays a mjor role in our sexuality. I’m pretty sure I know the reasons I’m hypersexual and have been since a young age, but generally there is no single reason. Orgasms are a very powerful and intimate experience, and so as a woman, and I don’t speak for all women, it makes me feel very dominant to control another person’s moment of bliss. It’s difficult to fully explain, but having a big, strapping male turn into butter with your lips makes you feel omnipotent and indescriably sexy. I assume lesbians know what I’m talking about, right ladies? If you are hesitant to try it out or are scared you don’t know what your doing I recommend you give My Little Firecracker’s text another read and give it a try. After all you have nothing to loose, except perhaps 45 minutes.

She twisted her wrists slightly within their bindings – the soft black leather allowing some movement as she flexed her fingers against the cold metal bars of the bedstead. The rich smell of leather mingled with her own perfume as she lay face down on a red-covered pillow. She was naked to her waist, with sheer black stockings and a black thong hitched high upon her hips with the thin material pulled up tight against her cunt and deep between her buttocks. That was all she could think about, how good it felt to have that tension against her, contrasted with the soft shimmer of the stocking material against her legs and the sheets underneath her bare breasts.

She closed her eyes and told herself to breath slowly and deeply. The more she struggled, the longer she would have to wait, but she could feel her excitement building – the tension and the restraints teasing her more and more the longer she had to concentrate on the feel of these different textures. She could sense him behind her, admiring her rear, taking his time. Maybe he was touching himself, slowly running his hand up and down his swollen cock, imagining the thrill of pushing it up the inside of her thigh and stopping just where she was open and aching for him. She heard him unbuckle his belt and her heart lurched. Would he run the cold metal over her buttocks? She tensed in readiness, which pulled her thong tighter against her and she moaned in indecision and need. She didn’t know what she wanted more – for him to ram himself up into her as hard as he could, grasping her by the thighs and fucking her so hard she squirted and screamed, or for him to gently torture her for even longer; to run his tongue up from her ankle and across her calf to the back of her thigh and ever so slowly to her rear, and then cheekily up between her buttocks, against the material of that tretcherous piece of underwear she thought was just for him.

Next, she heard the zipper of his jeans being pulled down, and his clothing being dropped to the floor. She pulled again against the manacles, the chain connecting her wrists chinking softly, and he tutted, running a finger up her right thigh. Her breath was now coming in short gasps, the anticipation was so great she was aching deep down in her pussy. She was so wet, and so ready, she could feel her clit engorged and swollen, needing to be touched. She wreathed against the sheets, trying to satisfy some of her desire but the pull of her underwear just teased her more. Suddenly, both of his hands grasped her ankles and she froze. Letting her feel the warmth of his hands, he slowly stroked both hands up her spread legs, gently massaging her calves and the back of her knees, before circling back down to her feet. He repeated the movement, purposefully and with more urgency, stroking up over her flesh to her lower thighs, teasing her senses, making her flesh tingle, before easing back down again. Once more, he slid his hands up over her calves, and further, further, until he was kneading the back of her legs, gently stroking and inching further and further until he reached her buttocks.

She felt him kneel on the bed behind her, between her spreadeagled legs, and as he leant forward to kiss her she reared up to meet him, luxuriating in the feel of his lips across her skin, the rough bristles of his stubble, his firm but gentle fingers as they continued to stroke her hips and over the top of her thong. He grasped the thin material and gradually pulled it down, hooking his thumbs between it and her skin, stroking it down over her buttocks and down her legs. She reared up again, presenting her sex to him, desperate for his touch, and in return he ran his tongue over the moist cleft between her legs, flicking gently against her clit and making her gasp and buck. Holding her in place with his hands he spread her labia with his thumbs and ran his tongue along one, and then the other, of her inner lips, before slowly stroking it across her opening. She quivered with need, gasping against the pillow. The feeling was so exquisit but she needed more, and begged him to enter her. Teasing her again with one more brush against her clit he eased himself into her cunt, dripping wet and ready for him. Little by little he pushed further, then pulled back, stroking her inner labia with his thumbs and gently pulling them apart as he pushed further and further in. When he was fully inside she could feel him circling his tongue around, fucking her tenderly and so itimately she begged him not to stop, to just spend forever filling her and stroking her, making her come against him.

When he pulled back she gasped and wimpered. She was so close she was shaking with desire, but then with one thrust he filled her completely, stretching her around his hard, warm cock. She yanked her wrists back, making the chain taught, and growled. Gasping himself, he took her by the hips and pulling back, thrust again, and again, fucking her hard and deep. She was so wet and turned on he slid in and out like a piston, urging both of them on, wave upon wave of pleasure. The chain rattled as he banged her hard against the bed, slamming himself into her harder and harder, his breath becoming more ragged as the urgency grabbed them both. The feel of his cock pushing hard and fast inside her was incredible, making her claw and beg for release.

Finally, she was there, the orgasm gathering itself with her like a coiled spring, and then his finger, stroking once against her clit was enough and she shot out into the stars, her orgasm rippling out like fireworks with burst after burst of absolute pleasure, gripping him hard with her cunt as she took what she wanted. She felt him come, spurting inside her, calling her name as he followed her into their ecstasy.

Dylan, the Coco the Clown years.

Lets hope I’m rubber, not glue. Despite managing some gentle, caffeine-assisted socialising this afternoon and then spending lovely time with my son while we chatted and cooked food, there are things about this Friday I am borderline despondent about.
Primary amongst my concerns is the diagnosis from the doctor that I am suffering another flare up with my respiratory stuff. Makes sense, given that I was so short of breath earlier. And full of ouch. But for fucking fuckety fuck’s fucking sake, I’d prefer NOT having another flare up right now, given a choice, actually, thanks very much for asking, if you’ll excuse me a saying of so.
Garn! This is an expletive. An old-fashioned one. Possibly one that nobody ever used in real life but which the makers of comics like Whizzer & Chips or The Beano would  insert into the mouths of grumpy adult characters as a substitute for other, more Anglo-Saxon terms. Like ‘bollocky fucking wank shit and cock it!’
So, garn! And possibly argh, yaroo!
Can you tell I’m faking the zany banter with myself here tonight? Yup. Trying to keep it light despite feeling sort of leaden. I’ve just pictured myself with a clown’s make up on. Not an altogether healthy image when one is in bed feeling manky poo yuck. Also, my bow tie doesn’t revolve (although it is cool, naturally) and my red nose does not make a ‘honk honk!’ sound when I squeeze it. Back to Clown school.

Rule number 1: Because this Is obviously one SOME people have issues with. NO PHONES MOTHER FUCKER! Phones are bad news no Matter what you’re doing on them. Pics or videos BAD NEWS. That shit is perfect blackmail.  DO NOT take the fucking thing out! If it comes out prepare to be punched, get your dick bitten, or get kicked out of the fucking bed and never hear from me again. No joke.

Rule number 2: Do not I repeat DO NOT plan a booty call while you’re already in the middle of one. I do not give a shit whether you want to get your dick wet twice in one night mother fucker. I will junk punch your ass if I catch even a hint or whisper of your ass trying to plan hook up number 2. I don’t give a shit if it’s a booty call, fuck buddy, friend with benefits or one night stand DO NOT FUCKING DO IT!!!!

Number 3: Don’t share your fucking love story with me. Listen, I really do not give two shits how you met this new chick who you really want to get to know because you think she may be the one.  The only thing I need to know is that you met someone and the casual sex arrangement is going to be ending. Let’s end it with a bang dude!!!  Scratch that…. Multiple Bangs! (Didja catch what I did there?)

Number 4:  Please, for the love of mike, DO NOT tell me you love me!!! Good lord man, that is not what I’m looking for! And please PLEASE don’t do it while I’m walking out of your place and all you’re wearing is a pair of boxers and a t-shirt. Screaming, “but I love you though!” Is going to make me RUN not walk the fuck away from you. We’re fuck buddies dude, all I want from you is your dick.

Rule 5: NO DUTCH OVENS! I do not know what makes you mother fuckers think it’s so damn funny to rip ass and then throw the covers over a girl’s head! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Now I’m a firm believer in farts being fucking hilarious, but there’s a time and place for that shit dude and its not in bed! Next mother fucker that does that to me is going to get nut punched and possibly puke on his bed. There’s only one thing I should gag on while we’re together and it’s not the stank coming out your ass!

Number 6: If you are in a relationship don’t come at me! Unless it’s an open relationship. Forreal. Karma is a Bitch and that Bitch will come around and bite me in the ass for fucking a taken man. And I already have a small enough ass, thanks though. Go home and put it in your girlfriend/wife/significant other.

Number 7: Don’t add your fuck buddy on Facebook. That shit is just asking for trouble!  I’m serious, that can take a perfectly good fuck buddy arrangement and turn it to shit. It just makes it all kinds of fucking dysfunctional people. I’ve seen it happen. Matter of fact I’m watching that shit go down right now. As I type this. No joke.

Number 8: Be choosy. Okay, so I know for might not sound like it but I am VERY picky about who I sleep with.  Just because you want to get fucked doesn’t mean you need to go jump the first dude that crosses your path! Do your research. Make sure they’re clean and shit. For real. Do it.

Number 9:  Remember, you don’t have to really like someone to fuck them. I had a fuck buddy that I couldn’t fucking stand to be honest. He was just like, captain fucking douche and if he wasn’t so good at fucking me until I could hardly walk I would have never spoken to him. Seriously. There were times that I’d look at him and say, “I really don’t like you.” And he’d say, “I really don’t like you either.” Then he’d fuck me into oblivion and I’d leave. They’re just a fuck buddy, one night stand or booty call, you DO NOT have to like them. You just need them to fuck you good.

Number 10: I know this is already a rule, but I’m going to say it again…. USE PROTECTION!  Fuck, you want to get pregnant? Maybe get an STD? No! So fucking protect yourself! I know condoms suck donkey dick, I know. I hate them to. But USE THEM! The only exception is if it is someone you KNOW is clean. I won’t lie, I have one person that I don’t use a condom with, because 1) I know the dude is clean and 2) he’s had a vasectomy.

Number 11: Ladies, don’t expect the man to do all the work. Now if he wants to then that is fine, but don’t just lay there! Do you know how many guy friends I have to hear piss and moan about this bitch who just laid there the whole time? If you don’t show the dude that you’re into it he’s not gonna fucking know you dumbass! And he’s probably not going to want to fuck you again. Take charge, ride him, tell him how you want it! Do something! And if you don’t, don’t sit there and talk shit about how, “he got his but didn’t make sure I got mine.” Help a guy out! He’s not a mind reader he doesn’t know what’s gonna get you off unless you tell him!!!

Number 12: Guys! I’m going to give you a little tip here, because that’s just how I roll. Not really a RULE but a suggestion. When you are with your fuck buddy, one night stand, or booty call remember that you are there to FUCK them, not make love. No slow and gentle rocking and shit. FUCK. That means ass smacking, hair pulling, dirty talking, and pounding the pussy. I’m not saying you have to hit hard or bend her over your knee. Just give her a little love tap, see how she responds, I can almost guarantee she’ll like it.

Number 13: Make a little noise man!!! I’m not saying you have to let out screams like your being prison fucked in the ass or anything, but fuck, a grunt or moan or SOMETHING is necessary. The same way guys Bitch about girls just laying there and taking it Is how girls feel when guys stay quiet. We need to know you’re into it, so open up that mouth of yours and let us know.

Number 14: Again, NOT a rule, but a tip. Switch up the location! One of the best things about having a fuck buddy is being able to share fantasies and try new things, right? So do it. Fuck in the car, its always fun. Fuck on a boat, in the water, in the shower, on the counter, in a park, under the stars, on the table, on the stairs, in an elevator (check for that security camera first though!) Rent a hotel room and fuck on every available surface. Do it anywhere the mood strikes!!! I’m telling you, you’ll enjoy it. (And yes, these are all places I’ve fucked and yes, there are more. But we’ll get into that another time. And NO I’m not a Whore. A lot of them were with one person.)

Number 15: No pictures or videos unless BOTH PARTIES consent.  Seriously people, watch your shit. Pictures and videos are nothing to fuck around with. That crazy dude you let take naked pictures of you or record you while you were giving him head. That shit is prefect blackmail material. Guys, that full body nekkid shot that that chick asked you to send, that shit is good blackmail material.  If you both agree to it then fuck it. But you need to watch your shit so the other person doesn’t do it if you don’t consent.

 Well people, that’s all I have for now, but you never know. There could always be a rules part 3.

 Got something you want to talk about? Something you wanna know?  Or just something you’d like to say?  DON’T BE SHY! Leave a comment below or send me an email, bedroomseduction333@gmail.com!

If you have something you want to post but you don’t want people to know it was you, send it to me and I’ll post it.  You’re name shall be safe with me sweetheart!
Have fun and get fucked people!

I just get the feeling that the producer of this record didn’t have much say in the sound of it. I bet he just sat there while the rest of the band got stupid drunk and high. I bet he questioned his life and what he was doing with it, and I bet he just threw the album together when the recording was over and just said “FUCK IT, IT’S GOOD ENOUGH. I’M GOING HOME TO DRINK BECAUSE I HATE MYSELF!” I bet Pussy Galore joined him.

Yeah, pretty neato if you ask me. So go out and buy that shit. Get Groovy, get Hate, get Fuck. Now.

Love,

Buttstraw Boy

“Quick! We need to make him hungrier or else we’ll die!” said Ferus who was looking more and more desperate. The butterflies were nearing us; it seems that our farts were attracting them to us. The situation was looking hopeless.

The planet shaked violently and a great rapture from below the sea came with the whales. One of the whales was very skinny and old. We were able to heal it with our magic pubes and hid inside it’s mouth. The whale was thankful for what we did, and it swimmed towards the sun. “We are going to be reborn. Wait for me here.” This was Ferus’ goodbye. He lifted his hind legs and exploded. Pigs came out from her.

We were doomed. Ferus was the one that was cursed today. The pigs looked to us, whales, lions and fast food and fucked us.

Anyway on the drive home it got me thinking, what would life and the English language be like if swearing was to suddenly disappear?

I got home and started to research swearing on the Internet. In doing so I found a fantastic video with the great Stephen Fry discussing the art of swearing.

“If an alien was looking down on us and inspecting our language they would see that the worst things that we do on this planet are, we torture, we kill, we abuse, we harm and we are cruel. Those are the things that we should be ashamed about. Amongst the best things we do, we breed children, we make love to each other, we adore one another, we are affectionate and fond of each other. The aliens would think, how odd that the language for the awful things is so casually used all the time. Oh the traffic was agony, it was Hell, oh it was torture waiting in line. We use a word like torture, that’s a vile word and yet if we use the word fucking which is the word for generating our species, for showing physical affection to one another, then we are accused of being wicked, irresponsible and a bad influence to children”.

As we are apart of this culture we automatically feel that swearing is horrible and vile. But if we look at it from the viewpoint of someone outside the culture, it is very strange.

I personally feel that swearing is a vital part of our lives and cultures and I couldn’t possibly think of a life without swearing and the enjoyment that swearing so often brings. I feel it is a fantastic tool to show essential emotions such as love, happiness, enjoyment and anger.

This is just my opinion. If you don’t like it, FUCK OFF!!

中国版

Click here to download this single FREE

Our 2nd single featuring the BusyKidz from our JetLag mixtape out this 07.23. Featuring two of Shanghai’s most notorious underground rappers, Koz and BlowFever: BusyKidz.

This is also our first single to introduce our first Chinese mixtape project, the China Bootleg Vol. 1 Shanghai State of Mind mixtape hosted by HipHop36.CN and ZhongTV coming out at the end of 2013.

I am sick of hearing about people saying you have to be certain way because of your genitals. You hear this all the fucking time. if you have a vagina you are expected by some men and other females to wear tons of make up, have big tits and be a completly innocent untouched nonsexual but sexy. Then guys are told they have to be all macho and masculine and they can’t cry because that  makes them a fag. Fuck you whoever say that because you sir are a pretentious fuck who needs to stop pretending he/she knows what chistian values are.

I understand that some of the sexism on the internet is joking. I think it’s hilarious when people joke about making sandwhiches in kitchens or make jokes about being macho. When it is a joke. Seriously though, why the fuck are we treating the world like it’s still the 1600s? Ok sure, mr science man who claims that technically and scientifically females are designed to be weaker than males and cant handel as much as males can. well you can take your sciency bullshit and shove it up your ass, and then I’m going to make you go up against one of those female heavy weight champions from hungry and see how fucking much you can fucking handle. yeh i thought so.  

It pisses me off when people say real men don’t cry or real men ask the girl out or real men take care of everything because it’s the mans job. no. it’s the persons job because we live in a society where we promote equality you sexist prick. Men shouldn’t be pressured to ask out the girl on a date or be pressured to make the first move.

It pisses me off when people call somebody a pussy for being weak. That’s another form of sexism that makes me want to punch holes in walls. really? pussy are weak? Yeh, one flick to the balls and you are on the floor. now pussys, they can take a real beating.. if you know what I mean…

Now, woman aren’t as inocent either. While a lot of guys are blamed for being “sexist pigs” woman are also promoting this stuff. I hear a lot of shit come out of so many chicks saying wow she’s fat or what a whore for sleeping with so many guys or she’s a slut for wearing those clothes. I bet she sucks her boyfriends dick what a slut.

what she does with her body is her damn business. how many people she’s slept with or what she does behind closed door is nobodies damn business. why the fuck would anyone promote that behavior? 

I fucking hate it too when people will turn around and call a guy who fucks a lot of girls a womanizer or a stud. Now the work manwhore is being frequently used, but really it’s a step down, versus a step up which would involve calling him a human who has sex like any other human.

As long as he’s not hurting anyone by having sex with multible partner. its NOBODIES DAMN BUSINESS. 

I get sick of hearing about how only guys do this or only girls do that. Only girls can do this or only guys can do that. 

it fucking pisses me off when people get all fucking hot and bothered and pissed off when a guy wheres pink. people have the fucking canoles to call that person a fag because he’s wearing a “feminine” color. Well guess what? Fuck you and fuck you for calling that person a fag because he’s wearing pink. Guess how pink became associated with homosexuals? because the nazi party associated it with homosexuals you ass hole. http://www.hardenet.com/homocaust/pinktriangles.htm

yeh fucking feel bad!

so next time you feel like giving someone shit because they’re wearing pink, you can feel bad.

I get pissed when people say women can’t do “manly things” like mow the lawn or work on the house. really, it’s not that difficult.  or when people say that women whine all the time or nag or that women can’t be gamers.

I know a lot of women who are kickass at video games. 

so you sexist fuck who are seriously sexist and think that women should get into the kitchen and that men should stop crying like little fag girls, you can take your shit and shove it up your arse because this is the fucking 21st centry not the fucking 1800s. 

I fucking hate you all and love you all, thanks for fucking reading.

Everyone has them, and they suck.

Some regrets are just things you have yet to do , others are ones in which the window (hehe I just thought of HIMYM) has closed.

Other regrets are things you did do that you wish you didn’t. 

Both are horrible but life happens, so regrets happen. 

I’m going to make a quick list of regrets I have because some of these I need to vent about:

 1.) I regret not finishing an online class I had to take last year

2.) I regret being a shitty girlfriend to my most recent ex

3.) I regret not spending more time with my dogs before they passed away.

4.) I regret hooking up with my best friends friend.

5.)I regret not staying closer with my family.

6.) I regret going through a phase in which I tried my hardest to follow peoples mold of perfect.

7.) I regret not singing that one night at karaoke.

8.) I regret not kissing him before he left. :c

9.)I regret not telling him I liked him sooner.

10.) I regret not sticking to dance.

11.) I regret not being in a musical in which I got picked for lead.

12.) I regret lacking this year academically.

13.) I regret almost everything I said around him.

14.) I regret not putting sun screen on at the Bahamas (holy shit I have never peeled so much in my life) 

15.) I regret anything I will regret in the future (just covering everything )

Half of these were really big and half were little nothings. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I did/didn’t do these things but then I remember everything happens for a reason.

What is a crush? A crush is a short-lived “burst” of emotion toward a new person that you have all of a sudden developed “feelings” for. Now be aware… these feelings are not REAL feelings.. which brings me to the part where crushes fuck shit up.

So you have a crush on someone. Okay. Now what? Pursue it? Sure, why not? What harm could it do?
(All of these scenarios have happened to me at one point in my life considering I have about 3-5 “crushes” a year)

Scenario 1: 
Me: I like you!
Him: I like you too.
Me: Let’s make-out.
Him: Okay.
….. 2 weeks later once crush has faded
Him: Hi
Me: *face-palm*
So what just happened there? Yup. You like someone for a little bit, pursue it a little bit, waste their time a lot a bit because you knew damn well it wasn’t ACTUALLY going anywhere and in the end you end up being like “Ugh… go away…” because your crush has faded. Just remember that with great power comes great responsibility. If you know you’re one of the people who has influence over others (charm, beauty, sex appeal…) realize that you have the potential to fuck shit up for other people if you allow your “crushes” to take over. For you it might be temporary but for others the consequences may be life shattering.  (lol okay life shattering is a little dramatic)

Scenario 2:
You’re in a relationship that you’ve been in for at least a year and I mean… you love that person. You get along with that person. But… things get old. Things get boring. All of a sudden you meet a new person you connect with. You develop a little “harmless” crush on this new person. You start putting yourself in situations where you’ll be around this person more and more because you enjoy their company. But it’s not completely innocent and you know that deep down. Soon enough you’ll find yourself comparing that new “crush” to your significant other making you more distant from your significant other.
(Which also raises the question of “Are you single until you’re married?… but that’s an entire other post)

Scenario 3:
You’re fucking someone. Yup. Just fucking. All of a sudden “WHAM”… out of no where you start thinking about that person more and more. You now have a full blown crush that will eventually fuck up that situation.

Scenario 4:
You have a crush with someone who is in a relationship. Shit. What do you do? Wait. The answer here is wait. If the feelings are still there in a few months, then pursue (single until you’re married philosophy). Don’t make any decisions that could 1. fuck up their relationship and 2. fuck up your friendship because the feelings are most likely short term.

Crushes are exciting. They are. But calm down. Relax. Attempt to think logically and if you still have the same feelings later down the road then it’s not really a crush now is it…

One needs to have the balls to survive in the Indian Society if they are fat. Some people look at fat people as if they are the rarest of species. I am a Sizeist. I judge thin people like they judge me. I believe in Tit for Tat, and I do it most of the times. I love fat people, and when asked about my kind of guy – the list begins with “he should be Fat and Nice…” Yeah I am that much of a Sizeist.

I have seen people who think it’s a crime to be fat. Really??? Are we snatching others food?? NO! In fact we fat people always advice others to eat more and more and more. (We like Competition) Well, let’s get back to the topic and let’s see some expectations people have from us (the fat people) all the time!

Expectation# 1

 The Garbage Bin!

“Hey finish up my plate too…!”

If someone is full at dinner or lunch (someone here is Thin and Skinny people), they simply look at the fattest person in the group, give a puppy smile and say, “Will you have the rest??? Please!!!”

When people can’t have the entire thing on their plate, why the hell do they take it anyway? We, the fat people believe in not wasting food and hence we eat it, but come on STOP EXPECTING this from us ALL THE TIME! WE are human too and we are FULL as well at times (rare but true!)

Expectation# 2

Cover me up!

“Oye, you in the front please adjust your position so that the teacher can’t see me here….”

If there is a skinny person sitting in the last bench of the classroom and a fat person sitting just in front of them, the skinny one will ask and expect the fat one to cover them up while they are texting, talking or sleeping.

Well skinny people, we are PEOPLE too, not walls or pillars. We didn’t grow fat to cover you up.

Expectation# 3

Pick up the heavy things please, will you?

“Hey can you please bring the 10 kg Rice up the stairs?”There is always your mother or siblings who are not that fat as you and will ask you to bring the heaviest of stuff up the stairs.

We, the fat people are expected to be strong enough to carry the heaviest of household thing. We almost arrange all the heavy stuff at home from lots of grains in the month start to shifting the bed to spread the bed sheet, still the skinny people would say, “We can’t expect you to pick up the weights at the gym!!!” – Dear skinny people we pick up more than that every Effing Month!!!

Expectation# 4

Be the audience…

“Hey I have a dance competition next week at school, why don’t you come and cheer for me?”

‘Well yeah, bitch I am going to be the audience to cheer you up for doing pathetic steps!’ Most of the fat people would never say that on the face (we are too good to be true – maybe all those cupcakes over the years have made us so SWEET). Skinny people usually will ask a fat person to be the audience, because – one, we occupy a lot of place and second, they think we can’t dance. Well some of the best dancers and choreographers are the ones who wear XXX L and eat extra cheese in burgers.

My two favs – Vidya Balan and Geeta Kapoor

Expectation# 5

Laughing stock…??? Not always baby…

“Hahahaha… It was so funny when that fat person fell on the road and was unable to get up.”

“Didn’t your parents or school teach you something known as HUMANITY?” Well actually this is the most funniest but the saddest part that people usually crack jokes at our cost. At times its fun to see people smile, but when it goes off limits the fat person explodes and explodes ROYALLY.

Well these are the most common expectations that people expect from me. Hell yeah, they do, but unfortunately I am not the types who would fulfill ANYONE’S expectations… I am sure there are many such fat people like me and Bridget who have people in life who expects more than these from them!!!

Most lately, I haven’t been able to write as much as I used to. It is just lack of sleep, too much of boredom at work, unnecessary Facebook games and useless texting that has kept me away from blogging.

P.S.: Bridget as in Bridget Jones!!!

Keep Blogging! Keep Reading! Keep Eating! Happy Monsoon!

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1- “Fuck my face”
2- “Titty Fuck”

I don’t even know what that means!

“I want you to sit on my face and fuck it!” Hmmmmm…. Doesn’t fucking involve penetration? So are you doing that with your nose or tongue? Don’t you need to breathe at some point? And with the way my vagina salivates, you’ll be lucky if you survive without drowning.

I can’t even say that if I would be talking dirty, “I wanna fuck your face.” Does that really turn a guy on? Even with my lust for women I can’t imagine telling her to fuck my face. I may say “I want to bury my face in you.”

And Ok guys… What the hell? What do you really accomplish by a titty fuck? I mean besides the obvious ejaculation.

Is there some thrill in hitting her chin with your cock as she’s holding her tits together so you can mount and hump her chest?!

I don’t get it, there’s no room for kissing or any fondling on her part because she’s gotta hold the girls together. I mean I know some guys are into facials, so is this your guarantee that you can shoot your load on or in her face?

I’ve participated twice in this ridiculous act and I had to keep myself from giggling. It just seems a little absurd. I’d rather give foot fetish a foot job.

Just not my thing.

In other news… I almost, kind of, got a sext from Lopez! Whaaatttt?!
I know right! It was more in a joking way but it happened! Yes, yes it did.
AND
I got him to kind of request something sexual… He NEVER asks for anything or asks to try something it’s more like,
“Whatever you want Vixy. If it turns you on I will do it.”

He’s so great!
I can’t wait for tomorrow night!
Hopefully I will be sore as shit come Sunday… Mmmmm hmmm

#72… Be open to new things even if they don’t seem like “your style”. You truly never know.

Pssst…
If a lady finds pleasure in getting titty fucked, please contact me and let me know what the hell I’m missing.
vixen.incognola@gmail.com

Fuck Them All (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today was fucked up, bullshit, complete and total crap, and also Thursday. My favorite night of the week. Honestly, it is, or was, or usually is. Thursdays as a teen I would be wound up so high that everything was hilarious. Little did I know that was my manic high coming out as a weekly release of the tension and depression I felt in the days preceeding it. Updated meds today: 10 mg Abilify, 50 mg Zoloft *same* and 1mg xanax every 4 hours as symptoms persist- major change. I have been having major mood swings to the point I was so depressed three days ago and strung out that I called my doctor frantically that I needed help or something to make this stop. He recommended psychotherapy as I posted earlier. Well, here’s a big fuck you. I called the guy and he wants 125 per hour. Fuck that. So I found someone else and I go on Thursday. Here’s a fun part- filling out the intake form. I’ll take you through my Yes-s, the No-s are not nearly as interesting.

In the last month has there been a period of two weeks or longer when:

•  nearly every day you felt sad, blue or depressed? Yes
• you were less interested in most things, like work or hobbies or things you usually like to do for fun? Yes
• your appetite was increased or you ate so much that you gained a significant amount of weight? Fuck yes.
• nearly every night you have had trouble falling asleep, staying asleep or trouble waking up too early? Yes, the past two weeks.
• nearly every day you were sleeping much longer than normal for you? Yes, the first two weeks.
• you lacked energy or felt tired all the time even when you had not been working very hard? Yes.
• nearly every day you were talking or moving more slowly than is normal for you? Yes.
• you had a lot more trouble concentrating than usual? Yes.
• you thought a lot more about death, either your own or someone else’s? Yes.

In the last month

• have you had a spell or attack when all of a sudden you felt frightened, anxious or very uneasy in situations where most people would not be afraid or anxious? Yes.
• during one of your worst spells, did you notice that you- 1. were short of breath? yes.2. did your heart pound or race? Yes. 3. were you dizzy or lightheaded? Yes. 4. did you have tightness, pain or discomfort in your chest or stomach? Yes.
• have you had a period when your eating was out of control and you would eat abnormally large amounts of food within a few hours? Yes.
• have you been bothered by having unpleasant thoughts that kept entering your mind against your wishes? Yes.
• have you had the unpleasant feeling that you have to do something over and over again even though you know it is foolish? Yes, during a manic episode.

During the last six months or more have you been anxious or worrying about things most of the time? Yes.

Has there ever been:

• a period of at least four days when you were so happy or excited that you got into trouble, or your family or friends worried about it, or a doctor said that you were manic? Yes.
• a period of at least four days when you were so irritable that you threw or broke things, started arguments, shouted at people or hit someone? Yes.
• a time where you felt people were spying on you? Yes.
• a time where you felt people were plotting against you? Yes.

I think I figured out my first question for this head doctor:

“So.. where would you like to start?”

English: An anxious person (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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