The Video Game Exchange! Along with Toys-R-Us and Sears (back when our Sears actually sold this kinda stuff), it was my biggest source of games in the mid-90′s, maybe the biggest. They were a chain, but the only one I ever visited was the one right by Toys-R-Us, located in the Plaza at Chapel Hill. What set apart VGE was that you could test out used games out before buying them, a feature that was ridiculously helpful. At the time, Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) games and systems were still being sold new, but prices were dropping and they were being phased out an alarming rate. But, that meant the prices of used games were also dropping, which was fine by me; I’d pour through old gaming magazines I had, find NES games that looked cool to me, write out a list, and go to VGE to see which ones they had. It was awesome, trust me.

Since I have such fond memories of the store, the finding of this commercial was a personal mega-score. I’m not sure if the VGE seen in the commercial is the exact one I went to, but it sure looks like it. Then again, I’d guess they all looked pretty similar to each other. And frankly, the store seen in this ad doesn’t look too far away from any given modern Gamestop, except that no Gamestop I’ve ever been to has allowed you to test games, and I long-ago stopped caring about anything Gamestop carries (my interest in gaming pretty much stops after the 32-bit/64-bit era, y’see. I guess I’ve stayed stuck in the era I grew up in).

Oh, and Bill “Voice Of WJW TV-8″ Ward provides the voiceover for the entire commercial, which automatically takes this spot from “crazy cool” to “up there with that Mean Joe Green Coke commercial”.

My nostalgia-meter is exploding right now. There’s the helpful game-testing feature. The kid is seen with a Sega Genesis controller. but I can’t tell what game he’s playing. It’s definitely a racing game, but since I’ve never been especially big on those, I couldn’t say which one. It looks like Pole Position II for the Atari 7800 to me, but somehow I really doubt that’s the game.

I still remember playing a then-new port of Wolfenstein 3D on the then-new Atari Jaguar 64-bit system there, and it was legit awesome (I’m thinking they had this on display for promotional purposes, because this stuff was probably too new to be used at the time). I recall the clerk telling us the Jaguar was going to “blow everything else out of the water”, which we now know didn’t even come remotely close to happening. I don’t remember if it was the same guy or not, but we were also told once that Nintendo was coming out with a color, talking Game Boy, some 4-5 years before Game Boy Color was released (and which didn’t normally talk). So, yeah, pre-internet game store gossip was great.

As a demonstration of the staff’s knowledge, a clerk pushes Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III for the NES. They couldn’t have picked a better game, because shit g, that game was (and is) sweet.

There’s a pretty good look at the store. I recall ours having little “island displays” more out on the floor, but for all I know, those were implemented later, or simply moved for this commercial. This spot is from roughly 1-2 years before I started going to VGE, remember.

The commercial also raises questions about the couple seen above. Are they boyfriend-girlfriend? Mom and Dad? Brother-sister? All we know is that they like Sega Genesis.

See! The Plaza at Chapel Hill! Told ‘ya!

I miss the VGE. There’s still places I can go to for my classic gaming needs, but I don’t know, they don’t feel as special to me. Maybe there are VGE’s still around somewhere, but nowhere near me, unfortunately. Still, I’ve got my little commercial no one else remembers, so, that’s something.

It’s one of those times, late at night, early in the morning.  I start thinking about the Dream, and being drawn back to a time I didn’t live through, a time I can only glean through a screen darkly.  The period of my interest- my passion- my strange fascination- runs from about 1950 to the present day, its geographic boundaries Los Angeles and New York, Seattle and Santa Fe.  I realize that the unique set of images, sounds, motifs, aspirations, military actions, political upheavals, demographic shifts, idols and false idols, successes and failures, seen and unseen coups d’etat both artistic and pragmatic, bear no unifying strand save the one my mind affords them.  They hang together under a sloppy, overused, unsatisfying & unspecific term: culture.

The images and sounds that run through my head make the hairs on my arms stand up.  Grey men sitting around a table in 1945, plotting the future, a picture of me as a child on a beach wearing tiny green plastic sunglasses between my sunburnt parents, Johnny Cash telling me how he walks the line, a man and a woman telling me they’d rather fight than switch- Tareyton! George Carlin shouting genius profanity in a Brooklyn accent, the celebrities we feel we know yet will never meet, Gabriel Garcia Marquez and the lonely villages he writes of, Aldous Huxley and his Brave New World, a housewife in a plaid apron, Gordon Gecko in red suspenders, Marilyn Monroe in a bikini holding a Coke, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan the Barbarian, me eight years old in my room, building a tower out of K’Nex while some long-dead crowd of country clubbers shouts “Pennsylvania six-five-thousand!” the textures and smells of a dozen plastic toys manufactured by Chinese migrants- and it flows on.  My life flashes before my eyes- my life, and the lives of millions of other Americans, and the market forces, propaganda, and consumer goods that tie our lives together.

I am haunted by childhood memories: roaming the aisles of long-defunct retail outlets- Best Catalog Showroom, Boscov’s, Funcoland Games and Electronics- banal and yet otherworldly.  I return to them again and again in dreams, baffled, too young for nostalgia, yet old enough to know change.

“The less we say about it the better; make it up as we go along.  Feet in the air, head in the ground, it’s alright, I know nothing’s wrong.”  -The Talking Heads, “This Must Be the Place”

Unlike any people before in history, we- even more deeply than the rest of the world who have done their best to emulate us- live in a perpetual, ahistorical present- on the edge of our seats, leaning forward for the next commercial, the next new product, the next news story, the next twist in the Hollywood plot some man behind the curtain’s written for us- basking in the warm sun of the In, the It, the Now; never straying-  for a weekend, for a lifetime.

There’s this unspoken and largely unconscious sense that you really can be eternal by buying the New Things; and it’s shocking the extent to which -when everyone is having the same delusion as you- that idea comes true.  I remember recently seeing a hawk-eyed septuagenarian wearing a pair of D&G frames, and clothes that were obviously in vogue.  I was struck- intimidated.  The feeling was barely conscious, but if articulated would probably have come out, ‘O! She’s newer than me!’

Perhaps all this is overdone, a tired-out point, a horse beaten beyond death.  But despite all the blather about American Consumerism, I think we’ve missed just how deeply this runs in us- how our aspirations, our wants, our jealousies, our way of organizing the world around us- has been shaped by a 60-year-long stream of images flowing from electrified boxes in the identical living rooms of our mass-produced houses into our overstimulated brains under our shampooed hair.

Perhaps that last paragraph made me sound like either a culture warrior or some fiat rebel trolling for a cause, but I don’t disapprove of any of this.  Nay- I am in awe of it.

Seeing the grand design of the Ad Men play out in movies, shows, news reports over a half century, becoming more sophisticated and efficient, seeing this machine envelop, synthesize, and reconfigure in its own image every human group and idea and impulse, seeing the stamp of the makers in myself and everyone around me, tracing the causal chain from market forces, through countless threads of musical and artistic movements, to the shining eyes of my baby boomer mentors as they relate to me their memories of a fairyland youth, peppered of course with jingles, pop-culture references, and product names, deconstructing the personalities of my contemporaries into their constituent parts- characters from defunct sitcoms, seeing even the vision of my own future for what it is- half Fitzgerald novel, half 1980s Calvin Klein ad- a failed yuppie fantasy conjured decades ago by an empty suit peddling his wares.

We define our past by memories- and if we are less than eighty years old, the sights, smells, textures, and tastes accompanying those memories were largely centrally planned.  Likewise, we cannot help but model our fates on what we see in the crystal ball of the Screen- the future has also been provided.  The present?  If you’re reading this, it’s courtesy of our omniscient, omnipresent benefactors: Apple, Comcast, Microsoft, Verizon.

Before this strange era, we were largely determined by our naturally selected predispositions, the practices and mores of our ancestors, and the mandates of our priests and chiefs.  Now, in order to see the face of God, one must dig deeper.  One must watch the commercials.

Though my number of Xbox 360 and/or DS games is beginning to catch up, I’d say that PlayStation 2 games still make up the largest chunk of my gaming collection. It’s a console and gaming generation where I spent that special age where one could first buy games for themselves thanks to a job and second play them fully with little stress, especially during summer vacations and homework-empty college weekends, to get in the way, and so a lot of bucks were dropped on digital entertainment. If you’d like a bit of time capsule-ness, I bought a lot of games from a little store called FuncoLand.

That said, I never completed every game I got, but a few of them came quite close to seeing credits. Real close. Alas, they either proved too difficult for me or I just didn’t have the endurance to keep going, and so I moved on, leaving them behind in a killer standstill on my memory card, just waiting for me to return, to finish them off. Many moons later, I don’t know if I ever will, but here’s what I remember about a few of them. Please understand that the below musings are shaded in gray and hazy as heck, as I’m going off memory here and trying not to look too much up.

Here we go, PS2 games I couldn’t quite finish…

Dark Cloud 2

Hmm. It’s pretty fuzzy, but I know I got as far up as the final boss. Or maybe the final boss before the final boss. Meh. I remember the main guy with a wrench and mystical girl are still traveling through time a bit, and we’re in a castle foyer or something. Right in front of a big set of winding stairs, at least. The boss is a flying/floating enemy, making it hard to hit unless you are using a gun or the Ridepod mechanism. Never could seem to get past it.

Then again, there were so many side-thingies to do in Dark Cloud 2–like taking pictures for ideas, creating new inventions, fishing (tournaments, breeding, battles), that golf minigame called Spheda once you cleared a dungeon floor–that I probably got distracted from trying to beat the boss and just do/see everything. And then I eventually gave this game, as well as my copy of Suikoden V, to my sister in Arizona to play. Years passed by, and she returned these two back to me last Christmas after trading in her own PS2 and games. A part of me wants to pop back in and just see what I need to do to kick the evil dude’s butt, and then another part of me–the sickest part–wants to start the whole game over. Yeaaaaaaah…

Suikoden V

Honestly, I haven’t a clue story-wise where I stopped playing. Somewhere after betrayals hit, but before revelations and resolutions came into it all. Had to be really close to the end. I remember a one-on-one fight with my deranged aunt, and then an epic boss fight in some mountainous area. Maybe against a three-headed dragon. Or three enemies. I dunno. Three something seems to be right. But my party probably got wiped out way too fast, and the thought of grinding scared me away. I should load up Suikoden V sometime soon though just to check out my castle again. It’s been way too long since I’ve gone around exploring my castle headquarters in a Suikoden game, and seeing just how much Konami does not care for this franchise, it might be a long, long time until one can again.

God of War

Couldn’t kick Ares’ ass. Simple as that. No matter how many times I would dodge and roll and swipe and stab and yell crazy yells–it was all fruitless. You grew to the size of a mountain thanks to Pandora’s box voodoo and still couldn’t take down the god of war with his flaming hair and boney wings. Boo.

The Mark of Kri

I’ve actually been thinking about this game a lot ever since I ran through Mark of the Ninja. And no, it’s not just because both use mark in their names. The Mark of Kri is a really odd creation, a mix of Disney-esque visuals and then excruciating painful and violent death animations. You play it mostly as a stealthy Rau, going across entire levels unnoticed, pinning enemies to walls or simply dismembering them with a lot of flair. There’s some really great level design and aesthetics in this underrated title from 2002, that’s for sure.

Unfortunately, the final scenario for this game is anything but quiet, as you must face an endless horde of bad guys, turning a scheming stalker into a generic hack-n-slash warrior. And it’s a tough fight. You are basically surrounded by goons, all with different button prompt presses over their heads, and you just have to try your luck to take as many out as you can before your life bar depletes. Obviously, I haven’t been able to do it.

Ratchet & Clank

Chairman Drek, multiple stages with falling platforms, and rail-grinding–those are the aspects I remember most from the final fight in Ratchet & Clank, the only game in the original trilogy I did not see to its end. Yup, I still haven’t completed the first game that got me to love a lombax, a quirky robot, and the craziest weapons ever crafted. I’ve been able to finish two-thirds of the fight just fine, but that last part, with a time limit and an intimidating Drek in some kind of bomb-tossing machine, always get me. Plus, later games introduced way more health for Ratchet, but here you only get so many chances to get hit.

Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King

Not much has happened since I last spoke about my progress–or lack thereof–in Dragon Quest VIII. I wandered the countryside a bit, tried my hand at the casino, fought some monsters for coin, tried the next rank in the Monster Battle Arena again with no luck, and glanced through my list of uncrafted weapons/armor for the melting pot thingy. 84 hours logged is no joke though, so I am still considering this one to be an almost there, even if a whole lot of grinding for stronger weapons and gear is required to beat the boss–who is not the final boss–blocking any current progress.

–

So, those were some of my close, but not close enough titles. I’m sure there’s a few more that I’m forgetting right now, but I’d need to go through my collection case by case to figure it all out. In the meantime, what games–PlayStation 2 or other–have you come really close to finishing, but just haven’t as of yet? Speak up below, and maybe you’ll find some inspiration to finish the job!

In my early high school years, my mom and I would often go to the shopping mall together, splitting up for a little bit after doing whatever it was we were initially there to do. This usually meant her going off to Macy’s or somewhere like it to peruse for jewelry or clothes or smelly stuff, and I headed for the videogame store. Which, for the longest while, was actually Electronics Boutique (EBX to those down with the abbreviations). Or Funcoland. One of those. Definitely no GameStops then.

Either way, she had her time, and I had mine, and we always picked out a specific place to meet up at when we were done, which was usually in front of the Friendly’s; remember, this was before cell phones and such, so planning was key. I generally found what game I was looking for lickety-split and would hurry back to our meeting spot, take a seat next to the escalators, and promptly devour my newest game’s manual page by page, word by word, occasionally glancing at my surroundings. More often than not, she’d surprise me as I’d be so engrossed in learning that I couldn’t both learn and look around at the same time.

That’s kind of what I remember the most about Robo Pit, a “build your own robot from scrap parts” fighting game for the PlayStation. Not playing the game or even enjoying it, but sitting in the mall, reading about it and waiting for my mother. It’s a striking memory, full of white tile, plastic-green foliage, and feet dangling.

Robo Pit was a game about scraps. Each time your little robot would win a fight, you got to take a part of the defeated bot with you, adding it to your inventory of construction parts. When you’re ready to make a robot, you start out with slim pickings, choosing a body type and color. And it’s not all cosmetic–each body type has different stats for Power, Weight, and Defense. Throw on some cartoony eyes, a couple of arms (spears, crossbows, and other weaponry are acceptable substitutions), a pair of legs, and your creation is off to battle in the pit, for glory and growing. And the list of enemies numbers in the hundreds, many with fear-striking names like Taxiderm, Bigmouth, Sorbet, and Pain Bot. Some challengers are labeled as “special robots,” which basically means you get to take a part of their body after they are defeated. And those were the reasons to play, to get crazier arm-based weaponry, like scythes and boomerangs. I’ve always had a penchant for creating beings, as evidenced in my time with Spore Creatures; it certainly did not start with Robo Pit, but it was definitely a footprint along the path of life.

Looking back, Robo Pit‘s not a great game. It’s formulaic and bland, with uninteresting arenas to battle in, button-mashing combat, little-to-no music, and strange, unexplainable happenings, like robots flying straight up into the sky when being killed as if a rocket exploded in their butt. I traded it in, and I can’t imagine what amount of store credit it earned me. Surely less than $5.00. But it’s something I hold as special. It’s a game I held in my hands while I waited for my mom to take me home. It reminds me to keep waiting.

—

GAMES I REGRET PARTING WITH is a regular feature here at Grinding Down where I reminisce about videogames I either sold or traded in when I was young and dumb. To read up on other games I parted with, follow the tag.

Ah, yes. Cybernator, the chosen answer from the Funcoland employee when I asked him for a game that it would take me all of the Summer of 1996 to beat. Did he reach for a copy of Final Fantasy, the Legend of Zelda, or even Super Ninja Boy. No he instead recommended Cybernator, a game that is only 7 levels long. Sure it shares a certain strain of DNA with Contra, but the fact of the matter is this game while difficult would never ever take a person who has been playing games for most of there life more than two hours to beat.

When I got home at 11:00 AM I plugged my new acquisition into my trusty old Super Nintendo and I beat the game by 1:00 PM. I got the bad ending so I decided to play it again this time I finished it in less time and received the good ending.  At 3:00 PM I walked upstairs and asked my Father if he would take me back to Funcoland so I could return the game. He was incredulous that I had finished the game twice, especially considering that he too had heard the claim that the game should take all summer to complete.

In spite of his doubts my father took me back to the store and walked up to the same sales associate at the counter and told him I wanted to return the game. He asked if it didn’t work, I said no. He then patronized me and said oh is it too hard for you then. I looked at him in the eyes and said nope it might be too hard for you, but I’ve beaten it twice today, I’d like to exchange it thank you. I then walked out of the store with a copy of The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past.

Since that faithful Saturday I have found out something interesting about the game, something that if I had known about it at the time would have made my adventures in the world of Cybernator even easier. This fact is what I will be sharing as today’s code.

Day Eleven

Cybernator

1993 / SNES

Unlock the Napalm Gun

Initially this seems like the easiest code in the world to complete. All you have to do to unlock the Napalm Gun is get through the first level without shooting anything except for the boss. If you are able to do that then when you start the second level the Napalm Gun will be accessible in your inventory.

Here is where it gets tricky, even though you were able to get the Napalm Gun doesn’t mean they are just going to let you keep it. No in order to hold onto Napalm Gun for the rest of the game you need to get through the second level without dying. Push up daisies just once and you will have lost the most powerful gun in the game.  Since it is the most powerful gun in the game you shouldn’t really have a problem getting through the second level without dying, especially since you got through the first level without using weapons except for against the boss.

So in summation beat the first level without shooting anything except the boss to access the Napalm Gun, then beat the second level without dying to continue to have access to it for the rest of the game.

There’s the code ladies and gentlemen. Tomorrow I will feature a code from a game I actually enjoy, for now though courage!

Prepare to be decimated

Now that I am a grown man/child, I have a chance to go back and find these rustic relics of the past and give them another look.  If video game magazines were my bible, then flea markets, garage sales, and pawnshops were my Cathedral.  I regale you with this story for the simple fact that Axelay is one of those games I never had a chance to play while growing up. I am not sure how this game ever managed to bypass my meticulous judging eye but this blog was created just for this moment.  As I pull the dusty, weighted cartridge from my shelves, I can see the delicious Konami logo in the upper corner.  That could only mean a good thing, right? I mean come on; Konami has never made a bad game right?  Did I just hear someone whisper Castlevania 64?

Axelay takes place in the fictional solar system known as Illis.  An unknown alien force has been slowly decimating the surrounding systems in your peaceful galaxy and has now set its sights on your planet.  After years of savage fighting, you are the only pilot left alive and the hope of all mankind rests on your weary shoulders.  The D117B Axelay fighter is the last line of defense between you and the total destruction of your people.

In the next scene, Robocop shows up to finish the job

Due to the ship’s limited attack capabilities from years of fighting a war, you must reclaim your lost weaponry from the enemy bosses.  Here is where Axelay sets itself apart from other side scrolling shooters.  Unlike traditional shooters, you do not have the luxury of starting with an array of planet searing weaponry.  From the onset of the game you only start with a small selection of guns and bombs at your disposal. To unlock more powerful weapons you must progress through the levels and destroy your enemies to upgrade your armaments.  At the start of each new level, you are given a selection of unlocked weapons and must consider the layout and enemy types of the level before making your choice.

This is an interesting setup in that it gives you a choice of what weapons to carry into a fight. Unfortunately, this also has the disadvantage of putting you between a rock and a hard place.  Since you may not know what type of enemies you will encounter in the next level you have to deal with a little bit of trial and error.  This can get frustrating after a while since you are only limited to two lives per continue and 4 continues ’til game over.  I did find it rather interesting that on the start screen it lists 5 continue credits in the bottom corner of the screen and once you press *start* it goes down to 4.  Now I do understand the need to make the game a little difficult by adding limited continues, but why the hell would they make me use one of my dwindling supply of continues just to start the damn game?

Do to all the weapons we had to drop the espresso machine

Axelay changes up the side scrolling shooter playing field by tossing in a variation of top and side views reminiscent of Life Force and Gradius.  The levels consist of a surprising array of varied locations from cloudy stratospheres, watery caverns, industrial spaceports and lava planets.  Each level brings on a new challenge that will test your reflexes and, after a while, may cause your eyes to bulge in concentration.  The graphics for each level are surprisingly good with rich colors that stand out against a varied background and enemies that come in numerous shapes and designs.  The only complaint I had was that it was sometimes hard to discern enemy ships and projectiles from the environmental backdrop.

This is only seen in the Director's cut of Terminator 2

The music for Axelay was composed by Taro Kudou who was also a game designer on such legendary titles as Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars and Super Castlevania IV.  His melodies are a rich tapestry of soothing sounds and heart racing rifts that perfectly complement each stage.  In fact, the music was such a huge success in Japan that the soundtrack was released as a 22-song disc on October 21, 1992 and published by King Records.

Let me set you straight on this right now.  Axelay is a damn hard game.  Unlike some of the past games I have written about though, this one does not throw cheap shots your way.  You will die and you will die often.  But as long as you stick to your guns, you will begin to discern a certain pattern with the oncoming enemy waves.  And after repeated play-throughs, you will begin flying circles around the alien forces.

Bullet for my dradle

I am truly surprised that I missed this engaging title while growing up.  I am glad that I was able to find this little piece of heaven at a flea market for a reasonable 5 bucks.  If you ever get a chance to play this either on emulator or classic system; I recommend you give it a whirl.  Just be warned; it does take deep concentration and the reflexes of a six fingered monkey but as long as you stick to it, you will be justly rewarded.  Oh and if you think the good old Konami code will work for extras lives…think again.  Good hunting, Axelay.

Released on the SNES, September 1992

Published by Konami

Developed by Konami

Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan

The FuncoLand “Customer Interaction Process” Guidebook as referenced in the FuncoLand Training Video Part 1 and Part 2 on our YouTube Channel has been scanned and posted along with the “culture card” on the FuncoLand page. Have a look and don’t forget the ‘E’ for “encourage add-on sales!”

I worked at Babbage’s years ago before it became Gamestop and it was ok work for a teenager who loved games and needed a little extra money, but it is surprising how rare it is to find a job in video games outside of retail.  It is a dream of mine, and of countless other bloggers, podcasters, enthusiasts, and retail employees to be able to make a living celebrating the love we all have for not just videogames, but the gaming lifestyle.  Part of the reason we all love going to events like PAX and Blizzcon is to find those awesome people who you thought you would get to talk to every day when you are trying to sell a pre-owned copy of a 60 dollar game for 55 dollars (Bullshit, by the way, with a capital B).  One of the major reasons that I am attending PAX East in Boston this March is to be able to see products in my area of interest that are new or not yet released, play some games, sit in  on some panels with some extremely smart and entertaining people, and to have a fun evening with my best friends.  The other reason I’m going is to meet Gamers Like Me.  I hope to see you there.

"I am totally the best in the world at Mortal Kombat 3"

Kids today however have it completely different. All they need to do is turn on their macbooks or iPod touchs and visit the internet.

I digress. New York Comic Con is this weekend and one of the interesting things to come out of it were some LEAKED characters for the highly anticipated Marvel vs Capcom 3. Wanna know who they are??? I’ll give you one of the 4. The rest are under the link!

And no it's not Venom you fucking asshole.

INTRODUCING FOR TEAM MARVEL:

M.O.D.O.K.

Mag "Fucking" Neto

INTRODUCING FOR TEAM CAPCOM:

Arthur

Spencer

The only one I am actually surprised about is M.O.D.O.K.. That guy is gonna be crazy.

Come on? Really?  The face paint, the laughter, the direct to store teleportation… how can you not watch part 2?

And to think I used to buy things from these people for years.  Not sure if they were quite as informative… but I do have cleaners for my NES and Sega.

WHAT DOES GAMES STAND FOR ADAM!?

So as bad as EB Games and GameStop employees get, these days, just be glad you never have to go to a Funcoland anymore. Good gravy. That store (now part of the great EBGameFunSoftwareBabbageColandStopGames Etc. monolith) was a hundred times worse, since there didn’t seem to be any oversight at all against rampant employee hoarding and awful customer service.

Employees could and often did take any game that was any good (remember, this was back when the store carried everything all the way back to the NES) and put it in a drawer for themselves until such time as they felt like buying it. Then they’d brag about it; I remember one employee actually showing me a perfect copy of Baku Baku for Saturn, which he was holding on to until the price dropped in the system.

They seemed to hate all customers. Here’s a typical incident, which occurred as I was buying Panzer Dragoon Zwei:

Guy: Hey, would you like to be a Fun Club member? You get a subscription to Game Informer.

Me: I’m not interested.

Guy: (Mock incredulity) You’re not interested in knowing what’s going on in the video game industry?

Guy: Naw, he likes reading all those magazines filled up with ADS.

Remember, this was in 1995, back when Game Informer was one giant ad.

One more before I get back to work: In the summer of 1999, all Funcoland stores got Dreamcast demo units with Sonic Adventure. So I headed in there to see if our branch had one. Nothing. Just as I was about to leave, the employee’s three buddies walk in and I hear him say to them, “Hey guys, wanna play the Dreamcast?” So he goes over, unlocks a display case, and there’s the customer demo unit — kept locked up for the enjoyment of the employee and his pals. Of course, having just given away the secret, he pretty much had to let me play it. But he wasn’t happy.

The store’s still there, except it’s a GameStop now and not nearly as awful a place to be. I’ve never been so happy to see a brand get dismantled.

So I ask the employee, who had been staring continuously at me since I walked in the store apparently because I was the only one in the store, he had absolutely nothing to do, and/or he thought I was attractive, if he had or could order Maniac Mansion for nes.

(Before I continue with the story, I need to tell you he was the know-it-all video game guy who obviously has never had a girl friend and may or may not play magic the gathering.)

He looked at me liked I was insane and said, “You like that game!?”

I gave him a look of shock, implying that he was retard, and said, “You don’t like that game?”

He then said it was the worst game ever made.

“Ever made?!” I exclaimed thinking that the game maybe outdated but is no where near the worst game ever made.

He explained, “All you do is run around a mansion with a machete and chop monsters. There’s only like three monsters, not including the bosses, so you just fight the same monsters for hours. Then there’s the fact that the main character looks like Jason. A total rip off.”

I then proceeded to explain to him the differences between the game Maniac Mansion and the game Splatterhouse.

“You can’t save in Game Boy games because they don’t have batteries in them.”