Recently, Pleated Jeans had the opportunity to sit down with God for an intimate interview (to learn more about how this interview came about and what God is like in person, please review this previous post). This historic and mind-blowing interview can be found below:

Pleated Jeans: First off, thank you so much for meeting with me. Peace be with you.

God on earth

God: And also with you.

PJ: Let’s start from the beginning. “In the beginning God created the heavens and earth.” What spurred you to embark on such a momentous project?

God: You know, my fascination with creating life goes back as far as I can remember. Even in my early days – when I was nothing more than an unorganized collection of pure white light – I can recall conjuring up microcosms of simple life forms. Why was I drawn to such magnanimous ventures? Boredom, mostly. I mean, just because I exist wholly outside of the dimension of time, that doesn’t mean I can’t feel it dragging on around me.

PJ: So this universe wasn’t your first?

God: Oh, Me no! There were hundreds of failed drafts before I finally got it right. The idea of molecules, DNA, perfectly balanced physics – all these ingredients for a full-fledged universe took time. Truth be told, I was actually getting quite frustrated near the end of it. I just couldn’t figure out the one key element that was a necessity for all life. Then one day, by pure happenstance, a horror movie I was watching startled me, causing me to get hydrogen in my oxygen. This, of course, resulted in water. I went to work on the heavens and earth the very next morning.

PJ: And of course, we all know that on the seventh day you rested. But just how exactly did you relax after creating an entire universe?

God: The same way I always relax when I need some down time – by staying in my pajamas all day and watching pre-runs of Law and Order.

PJ: Through the ages, many philosophies about you have surfaced: God is love, God is vengeful, etc. Who is the real God?

God: Look, when it all comes down to it, I’m just your normal, every man who just happens to be omniscient, all-knowing and the creator of everything that ever was or ever will be. To be honest, I’m none of those things and none of the philosophers really got it right. That is, except for the great Michael W. Smith, who correctly hypothesized that “My God is an Awesome God.”

PJ: Amen to that.

God: Amen indeed.

PJ: Why do bad things happen to good people?

God: Umm…well…hey…I thought we discussed this beforehand. Wasn’t this just supposed to be a fluff piece? Everything beyond lighthearted anecdotes and current events was supposed to be out of bounds.

PJ: But God, the people want to know.

God: Look, I don’t have to defend myself on this one. I’ll just say that I have a plan and leave it at that. And this plan is so amazing – so incredibly intricate – that when you all see the ending you’ll know that it was all worth it. You know how the creators of Lost pre-planned everything from the beginning? Well Damon Lindelof ain’t got nothing on me. Geez, I thought I came here to discuss my newest project, not get drilled on the mechanisms of my grand plan.

PJ: You’re right.

God: I’m not just right. I’m infallible.

PJ: Of course. So let’s discuss your latest project then.

God: Excellent, yes. It’s called Jesus: The Second Coming, and I’m very excited about it.

PJ: As is the public. The Second Coming has been the heavily anticipated sequel to Jesus Christ for quite some time. Tell me, how do you intend to reintroduce Your Son to the world without simply retelling history.

God: Oh believe me, the Second Coming will be a completely fresh and uplifting new tale. I don’t want to give too much away about the plot, but I will say that this new adventure has something Jesus never encountered in Biblical times: a love story.

PJ: Sounds enticing. However, I must point out that the release date for this project continues to be pushed back. In fact, no actual date for the Second Coming has yet to be announced. This has historically not been a good sign for creative projects…

God: Yes, well when it comes to the Second Coming, timing is everything. Like I said earlier, I’ve planned out everything since the birth of time. The project has been cemented for quite some time. I’m just waiting for the right events to fall into place. And if you are skeptical about the future impact that the Second Coming will have, I can tell you without a doubt that it will be epic. And believe me, you can trust my prediction.

And with that, God thanked me with a pleasant wink, paid the bill for his buffalo wings, spun in a circle with arms outstretched like Wonder Woman, and presumably returned to heaven to sit on his thrown. For the next several hours after sitting in God’s presence, an odd feeling remained swept over my body. As it turns out, this feeling was heartburn from the dozen Blazin’ buffalo wings I had just consumed. However, I have decided to intentionally mistake that feeling for divine insight.

After reading this interview, I hope you too have a similar burning sensation in your heart.

——

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Since the beginning of time, few things have been more beloved and worshipped than God (save for maybe the sun and Ronnie James Dio). And yet, for all his celebrity, very little is known about this influential man-about-the-galaxy. The majority of our knowledge of Him comes from second-hand accounts relayed by relatives, friends and – all too often – unreliable sources.

Given His reclusive lifestyle, one would assume God to decline all interviews requested of Him. However, through brief inquiry, it turns out God is less like the elusive and reserved Bigfoot, and more like the girl who is too pretty and intimidating to ever get asked out on a date.

Thankfully for you, Pleated Jeans is far too fearless and ignorant to believe that the most important being of all time would decline an interview from a news publication that is neither credible nor read by more than a dozen people in a given day. As it turns out, God has been hungry to talk to the media for centuries – it’s just that no one has bothered to ask before.

That is, until now. As it turns out, one quick e-mail to He-With-A-Capital-H@Heaven.com was all it took to earn some face time with our King of Kings.

Perhaps it was Pleated Jeans’ plucky charm that won Him over. Or perhaps He just wanted to promote His latest project (Jesus: The Second Coming). Whatever the case, I had the pleasure of sitting down with God last week to ask Him some of the greatest questions ever posited by mankind.

Seeing as how momentous of an occasion this is, Pleated Jeans has decided to milk this occasion for all it’s worth by stretching the details of the interview out over a glorious 2-day period. As such, the interview itself will be printed in its entirety tomorrow – just in time for one of the most important Christian holidays of the year (Santa’s birthday).

However, as it would be unjust of me to leave you hanging on the edge your seat without divulging some sort of juicy details about our one true Lord, I will curb your appetite for knowledge by relaying some sharp observations that I made about God during the one hour and 15 minutes that we shared a booth in the back of a quiet Buffalo Wild Wings in Palmdale, California. These facts are as follows:

• We are, indeed, created in His image (though more accurately, He looks like a white version of Marvin Gaye)
• He likes to eat dinner early (we met around 4:30 p.m.)
• He is a Seattle Seahawks fan (kept checking the score on the TV behind me)
• He wears a top hat
• He does not drink alcohol
• His favorite Buffalo Wild Wings Signature Sauce is “Medium”
• He is an excellent tipper

Hopefully, this brief glimpse into His life will be enough to sustain you until tomorrow. Stay tuned for the full interview!

——

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For a unique and affordable way to enjoy your next stay in beautiful Detroit, Holiday Inn now proudly offers a new way to stay in luxury – the Holiday Inn Abandoned Van.

Conveniently located just minutes from such attractions as the wrong side of the tracks and an abandoned scrap metal factory, the Holiday Inn Abandoned Van serves as a central location to a number of possible vacation destinations.

Guests have the opportunity to choose from two available room settings. For sensible luxury, guests are invited to stay in our Silver Level guestroom – the Driver’s Seat. Amenities abound in this affordable living option. Spread out and relax in style thanks to the ‘86 Ford Astro front bench seat. De-stress after a long day of business meetings or sightseeing with the help of the pine-scented air freshener. For entertainment, lose yourself in the eclectic sounds of AM radio, or take advantage of our Imagination Racing Game, complete with steering wheel controls.

For those wanting a little more from their Holiday Inn experience, we proudly offer a Gold Level guest room – the Cargo Area. Whether you are a newlywed enjoying your honeymoon or an executive finishing up some out-of-town business deals, you’ll be sure to sleep like royalty. Rest your head on the complementary stack of discarded newspapers. Use the Styrofoam coffee cup to give yourself a pick-me-up in the morning (coffee not included). And for virtually endless entertainment, enjoy late-night conversations with the junkie who we can’t get to leave.

Regardless of the room you choose, all guests will benefit from a myriad of on-site amenities. Start your day right with a complementary hot breakfast buffet, courtesy of the nearby tire fire. Relive the old hobo stories of yesteryear as you and two other guests crowd around a tree stump to share a single baked bean.

Our state-of-the-art fitness center incorporates such advanced machinery as heavy rocks for throwing and scrap metal for lifting. Our outdoor pool/bathtub also serves as a day spa, thanks to the natural infusion of mud and algae into the water. For the business traveler, our business center includes a bunch of old fast food wrappers for writing letters and an all-in-one fax/printer/copier (broken).

Despite the focus on value, the Holiday Inn Abandoned Van incorporates the same level of high-quality customer service as all other Holiday Inn hotel brands. From the concierge behind the cardboard box to the maid service provided by a pack of mangy dogs that roll around in the rooms sometimes, you’ll be in good hands at Holiday Inn.

Choose Detroit’s Holiday Inn Abandoned Van for your next trip, and you’ll be rewarded with room rates as low as $69.99 (cash only, change may not be available).

Directions – from the airport, take Interstate 94 East. Exit Prospect Road and turn right. From the 7-Eleven, head into the woods and follow the train tracks west for half a mile. Holiday Inn Abandoned Van is located directly behind the large pile of discarded beer cans and medical syringes.

——

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Dear Kim Jong-il,

Hi! How is everything going in the secret underground nuclear testing facility? Good, I hope – have you been wearing that lead vest I made you? Anyway, I don’t mean to interrupt your plans for world domination or anything, but I just wanted to give you a quick house-sitting update.

Here are the highlights from this week:

• That cease and desist letter from the European Union finally came yesterday (it’s pretty funny, I’m sure you’ll get a good laugh out of it)
• The exterminators came today (no termites)
• I fixed the Internet (cord was unplugged)

Yeah, so pretty much all good news on my end. However, while I’ve got you, I just wanted to ask you a quick question: those antiques Ming vases you’ve got on display in the living room weren’t priceless were they?

I only ask because I may or may not have broken one or two of the ones given to you by President Mao Zedong back when he was the communist leader of China.

Now before you get mad, let me just say that it wasn’t my fault. First off, you’ve got those vases placed on those really tall, narrow platforms in the middle of the room. That’s a little hazardous, don’t you think? I mean, did you not think that someone might want to teach himself how to do handstands and karate moves in that room at some point? It’s a living room for goodness sake!

While we’re on the subject of bad news – you know that basketball with Michael Jordan’s autograph that Madeleine Albright gave you? Yeah, it’s ruined. You see, I was using it to do slam dunks off of the trampoline (super fun by the way), when the delivery guy showed up with my Korean BBQ. So I ran inside and left the ball out all weekend in the rain and the autograph wore off. It’s okay, though, because I yelled at the delivery guy for his mistake (showing up at the wrong time) and I have his name and address if you want to torture him or something.

Speaking of Korean BBQ, I got barbeque sauce all over your father’s childhood teddy bear. I know it’s one of the last personal items you have from him, which is why I was hesitant to take it out of the display case and use it as a napkin. But there weren’t any other options in your bedroom, and I really didn’t want to get out of bed to wash up.

Don’t worry though, because I washed the bear and the stains came out. I think your washing machine must be broken though, because the bear kind of disintegrated in the wash.

Also, your dogs are dead (aren’t those things supposed to bark when they get hungry)?

So yeah, really looking forward to seeing you when you come back for your birthday next week. I’ll be sure to oversee the setup and make sure nothing goes wrong! Good luck with the nuclear testing and see you soon.

With Love,

Your Son, Kim Jong Un

P.S. I ate that cake with all the candles on it that was in the refrigerator. You didn’t need it for anything, right?

——

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which is pretty much well known. BUT you know what I love more than musicals? REAL LIFE that turns INTO MUSICALS.

That is why I am obsessed with this site:

It is a bunch of people (based out of NEw York) that run around and do random things like ride the subway with no pants, freezing for 5 minutes in the middle of the city and of course, spontaneous musicals.

Like this one:

P.S. Ask me anything if you want. Completely anonymously of course HERE.

<3 Keep blabbing

Jane

From the terrible twos and puberty all the way up to teen angst and the dreaded goth phase, raising kids sometimes seems like 18 years of hard labor. Putting up with all those temper tantrums and snotty comments can be difficult, but when it all comes down it, we all know being a parent is worth it for one reason – the sheer fun that comes from embarrassing our kids in public.

Giving him a hug in front of his friends, sending her to school in uncool shoes, breaking out the baby photos before his first date – these are the moments that make it all worth it.

And sure, embarrassing your child is easy when he and his friends are always around (two words: clown costume), but what happens when he goes off to college? Does growing up mean you have to lose that parenting high that comes from humiliating your little man or woman in public?

Of course not! It just means you’ll have to get a little more creative in your efforts. To keep those good-time feelings coming, here are some tips on how to embarrass your child from long distance:

Send Gifts

When it comes to long-distance embarrassment, FedEx is your best friend. Unlike other forms of communication like phone calls and emails, corresponding through the mail can easily be manipulated into an embarrassing moment. This is especially true when the “care package” is sent to the child’s first period class, after-school job or other public place.

For best results, don’t wrap the gift – this eliminates the possibility for your kid to open the box in private. Instead, order a gift that is hard to wrap (like a cookie bouquet or batch of balloons that say “my little man” on them). Then, for optimum humiliation, have it delivered by a singing telegram that is dressed like a giant teddy bear.

Contact Their Friends

Private, one-on-one and easy to ignore when friends are around – there’s really no point to ever call your kids on the telephone. His or her friends, on the other hand, are another story. This is because your child’s friends love embarrassing him or her just as much as you do!

Are you worried about your son because he hasn’t called you in a week? Call his frat buddy and tell him to have your son call you. Come across an especially embarrassing photo of your daughter’s awkward phase? E-mail it to her cheerleading squad. Regardless of the scheme you come up with, always end the conversation by asking the friend to tell your child “that I love him!”

Turn That Long Distance Into Short Distance

Finding excuses to drive cross-country just to say hello are always a great way to bypass the constraints of long distance. Homecoming, graduation, the kegger on Friday night – these are all great reasons to surprise your kid with a visit (and freshly knit sweater).

If you’re growing tired of coming up with excuses to come down and visit, then just eliminate that long-distance relationship altogether and become a classmate of your child by enrolling in the school.

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I’m sorry, fellow tablemates, for what you about to see, but I have not eaten since breakfast (nearly seven hours ago), and I assure you that the satisfaction from my paltry bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios was replaced by pure, unbridled hunger hours ago.

Combine this with the fact that I have been eying this sandwich from the clear display case since we first walked into the deli, and I assure that things are about to get ugly in here.

Simply put, this roast beef sandwich is beautiful – a work of art really. And I have been dying to sink my teeth into its warm, buttery onion roll for the past ten minutes. And now that we have finally made it through the line, I am going to warn you all by telling you I am totally gonna go to town on this roast beef sandwich.

Be prepared to be blown away, because when I say “go to town,” I mean that I am gonna completely ANNIHILATE this mother fucker. You think you’ve seen someone totally own a sandwich before? WELL THINK AGAIN! Because I am about to rip into this sucker with so much unbridled fervor and passion, that you’ll think my intelligent human brain hath been replaced with that of a million mindless, murderous wolves.

I warn you: this is not going to be pretty. No doubt, I will forego all pleasantries associated with modern-day table manners in my attempt to properly devour this sandwich. Using a napkin? Not gonna happen. Taking sensible bites? Fat chance. Chewing with my mouth open? NO FUCKING WAY!

There are no ifs, ands or buts about it: I am going to make this roast beef sandwich my bitch. And if you think I don’t have the stomach to pack away this monster sandwich of pure perfection, you’ve got another thing coming!

That warm roast beef? Dead to rights! The creamy provolone cheese? Ashes to ashes! Those crispy tomatoes!? Well, I don’t like those, so I won’t eat them.

But everything else, I promise you, will be taken to town via an unrelenting and hyper-fast barrage of wide-open bites, each more enormous and less chewed than the last!

So my friends, if you are faint of heart, I suggest you keep your eyes on your own plate for the next three to four minutes. Because what I am about to do to this roast beef sandwich would be considered illegal in 48 of our 50 great United States.

If, on the other hand, you are in the mood for a show, then by all means, sit back, relax, and watch as I deftly devour this sandwich with pure joy and gluttony.

——

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Dear intelligent life form, if you are absorbing this message via telepathic osmosis, then your planet has been chosen for invasion by the Xylox intergalactic race (under the authority of me, the great Lord Pluton). To ensure maximum efficiency, minimum fluid loss and medium crunchiness throughout the takeover process, please review the following frequently asked questions:

When will the invasion occur?

Your doom shall commence on the 21st of December at 8 p.m. (7 p.m. Central time). However, as it has been observed that the generally accepted earth custom is to arrive at public functions  “fashionably late,” the actual invasion will likely not occur until, oh I don’t know, 8:30ish (as the old saying goes, “when in Klivzar, do as the Klivzars do”).

Will you be obliterating all intelligent life forms?

No, this is intended to be a peaceful invasion. You should rest easy in knowing that we would rather not incinerate ANY life forms with our really big lasers if at all possible (we are not barbarians). Rather, we merely intend to remove the cerebral cortex of all men, women and children so that you may become mindless slave workers in our salt rock mines located on the third moon of Assentrix.

Will resistance be futile?

Yes, resistance will be futile. Furthermore, if a resistance is mounted, be prepared for us to scoff at your meager attempts to destroy us by repeatedly referring to you all as “foolish earthlings.”

Just what kind of advanced alien technology are we up against here?

Not to spoil the surprise for you, but we have antimatter force field shields that could easily protect our Starfleet from a thousand nuclear blasts. Other weaponry on hand includes fractal grenades, Cerulean fighting monsters and brain slug parasites. Also, did I mention that our lasers are really, really big?

What will become of planet earth?

After all humans have been de-brained and transported to Assentrix, sulfur will be added to earth’s atmosphere to make it suitable for Xyloxian life forms. It will then be populated with ten different D-list Xyloxian celebrities, who will then battle for supremacy via a series of military war games and demeaning physical challenges. The entire process will be broadcast on basic cable for the enjoyment of the Xyloxian population under the program name “Who Wants to be a Planetary Ambassador” (working title).

Will we need to take you to our leader?

Yes. Please make sure your leader’s schedule has been cleared during the time of the invasion. Also, if you could shave the rear neckline of his head in advance (for easy brain slug insertion), that would be ideal. Thanks in advance.

——

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Probably my favorite vacation of all time would have to be the time my dad took me camping, just me and him. I can’t recall another time where I had more fun, adventure and gun fights in my entire lifetime!

What’s funny is that the trip wasn’t even planned at all. One day, my dad just got a wild hair up his butt to go on a trip. Dad was spontaneous like that, but I think part of what had to do with it, was all the policemen he saw coming up our walkway right before we left.

I’m not sure, but I think my old pa saw all those guns in the hands of those policemen, and it made him think of going hunting, which made him think of the woods. Whatever the case, we grabbed our camping gear and hopped in that brand-new truck he had found the day before and we headed to the woods to go camping (or as he put it, “on the lamb”).

Which was fine by me, because I didn’t feel like going to school anyways that day.

I never realized it before, but my dad was a real big environmentalist. As soon as we got there, he was real concerned about leaving the wilderness in the same condition as when we found it. Which is why I guess we covered the truck in a bunch of leaves and stuff and then erased the tire tracks that led up to the road.

After we hiked for a couple hours, it was time to pitch the tent. Dad must have thought it was a good chance to teach me about the importance of hard work or something, because I put the tent together myself while he supervised and counted all the money he’d packed in his suitcase.

Later, we went canoing and dad got real sore at me when he caught me texting with my cell phone. He started yelling about radio towers and triangulation and stuff and how this was a “no technology” trip. At first I was mad – I mean, no cell phones? But then I realized he just wanted to live off the land like real mountain men. Which is why I wasn’t too upset when he took the battery out of the phone and threw both pieces into opposite sides of the lake.

At night, dad would make a campfire and we’d eat cans of beans while he told ghost stories. This was great, because dad had a really good imagination and always told ghost stories I’d never heard before. Like the one about the ghost bank robber who haunted 27 different branches of First National Bank without ever getting caught by the Ghostbusters even once.

About the fifth night into our vacation, we heard a bunch of dogs barking, and dad said it was time to go camping somewhere else. So we jumped up and decided to go for a nice night jog so we could find a new campsite as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, we never got to find a second campsite, because my dad ran into one of his coworkers along this little dirt road and he got called back into work. So they dropped me off back at home and dad’s friend took him back to the office.

They must be keeping dad real busy at work, I guess, because he hasn’t been home since. That’s okay, though, because mom takes me to visit him at work all the time. I’m not sure what he does, but it must be real important – there’s lots of security and bars on the doors to make sure no one can break in and steal all dad’s important business stuff.

——

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No. I’m sorry Jean Jacques, but this painting still isn’t right. I appreciate the addition of the roaring tiger to this newest iteration, but I’m afraid there still isn’t enough danger in this painting.

If you recall, when I first asked you to do this painting for me, my initial instructions were to simply have you create a painting with the title, “In the Garden of Good and Evil.”

For your first draft, you returned to me with a portrait of Adam and Eve taking a bite from the forbidden fruit. Forgive me for asking you this, but are you retarded? What kind of moron hears the phrase “In the Garden of Good and Evil,” and goes off and paints a picture of Adam and Eve?

Any REAL artist knows that all the greatest paintings in the world are a metaphor for something else! You can’t just go around doing literal visual depictions of what you are actually trying to paint! Classic example – Georgia O’Keefe didn’t just paint flowers – she painted vaginas!

More importantly, art is supposed to stir the senses. And what’s the most immediate and impactful emotion? FEAR! And what causes fear? DANGER!

Which is why I was much more pleased when you came back to me with a picture of a modern man wrestling with a snake. “Yes, now we are on the right track,” I thought to myself. Unfortunately, this made me think of train tracks and how there wasn’t a train in the painting.

To me, the absence of a train bearing down on our modern-day “Adam” seemed like an obvious omission. After hours of debate, you eventually agreed with me. A similar path was taken to get you to incorporate the tiger into the painting.

After all, the modern “dangers” of evil in this world encompass far more than a simple serpent. The train does an excellent job of indicating the man-made evils that cause danger to us humans. Similarly, the tiger represents Tony the Tiger, and how sugary breakfast cereals can lead to childhood obesity and diabetes.

But there are still many other fears in this world – none of which are presently represented in your latest draft. For example, for some reason our hero is not wrestling the tiger and snake on the edge of a massive cliff. That seems like a missed opportunity to me. I mean, do I really need to remind you that a fear of heights is one of the most common fears in the world.

On a similar note, why not put a bunch of notecards in the hand of “Adam” and paint an outdoor auditorium of people off to the left there? Why, you ask? Because public speaking is the world’s NUMBER ONE BIGGEST FEAR!

I mean, seriously, could you imagine trying to give an important speech to a giant crowd, all the while wrestling a tiger and snake on the edge of a cliff while a train was barreling down on you? Put the hero’s head in a guillotine and have him asking a girl he likes out on a date, and now we’re getting somewhere!

So no, Jean Jacques. I’m afraid this painting isn’t good enough to warrant a passing grade for 7th grade art class. If you don’t learn to give 100 percent, then I’m afraid you’re not going to get very far in life at all. So take back this piece of crap on a canvas that you call a painting and go back to the drawing board!

The semester ends tomorrow. I look forward to seeing your masterpiece by the end of the school day.

——

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Man – seriously, what is the deal with this quicksand? It feels like I’ve been sinking for hours!

I thought for sure I would have drowned by now, but here it is almost nightfall and I still have the COMPLETE use of both my arms – which I am currently using to cross angrily over my chest in a blatant attempt to convey to this sand just how angry I am at it.

And, trust me, sand, if my right foot were still free from your unnecessarily slow and drawn-out engulfment, I’d be using it to tap the jungle floor repeatedly in an effort to further display my impatience.

Lord, how long has it been already? Let’s see, I chased that monkey up into that tree so I could pet it right after lunch. Then, I immediately fell out of said tree and into this sand while trying to do my funny monkey dance to get him to be my friend. So that means…FIVE HOURS!? I’ve been sitting here in this quicksand for FIVE HOURS!?

THAT IS BULLSHIT! I should have felt the sweet relief of cold, moist sand entering my mouth and nasal passages HOURS AGO!

Pfft. Quicksand? More like SLOW sand! Who names this stuff? Who in their right minds would actually think this pace of sinking was “quick?”

A moron, that’s who!

And what is up with that stupid boa constrictor hanging out over there in that brush? Hey slimy, how about a little less staring and a little more suffocation, huh? Why am I over here DYING OF BOREDOM, when you could end my misery with just a couple quick seconds of constriction?

Geez – rude much?

Seriously, if you want to eat me, then you better hurry up. Because the way things are going, you’ve only got SEVERAL MORE HOURS before I finally sink completely out of the reach of your massive, unhingeable jaws.

You know, if I’d known it was going to take this long, I might have tried to reach that hanging vine that was almost certainly within reach when I first fell in. But thanks to the completely inaccurate portrayal of quicksand in movies and cartoons, I thought I only had mere minutes before my life came to a quick and untimely death.

Which is why I opted to skip grabbing that vine in favor of sitting back and letting my life flash before my eyes (I really wanted to relive that time I almost petted a money).

And another thing – I’d always heard that if you get caught in quicksand, you shouldn’t struggle because it just means you’ll sink faster. Turns out, that’s not true at all! Believe me, I tried speeding up this painfully slow dying process by thrashing about as much as possible, but all that did was get my body to actually start BREAKING FREE from the tortoise-paced death grip of this stupid sand.

Talk about counterproductive! I had to wait a whole hour just to get my legs to re-sink again!

And so Dale, to answer your question: that is why I will not grab onto the rope you’ve thrown out for me – because it will do nothing to actually help me sink faster. In fact, it’ll probably only make things worse. So do me a favor and just leave me alone.

——

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You know, it’s ironic – when we’re young, we all want to look older so we can get into night clubs, sneak into R-rated movies or date the cute high school English teacher without getting hassled by the authorities. But then, when we actually do get older, we wish we were EVEN OLDER!

Whether you’re out to enjoy some underage drinking at the club or you’re hoping for that senior citizen’s discount at the Hometown Buffet, making yourself look older is a smart decision no matter what your age. Follow these easy steps, and no one will ever mistake you for your actual age ever again.

Increase Your Height

Height is one of the easiest visual cues you can change in order to appear older. When in public, try wearing high-heeled or platform shoes to increase your height. With your new, taller stature, friends and strangers alike will easily mistake you for someone much older. For added effect, also try bringing along a chair with you wherever you go and standing on top of it whenever you stop to have a conversation with someone.

Tip: if you’re really young (8-years-old to newborn baby), try standing on stilts or the shoulders of two to three similarly sized friends while wearing a long trench coat. Employ this tactic, and no bouncer or doorman will look twice before unhooking the velvet rope and letting you pass by.

Change Your Wardrobe

Choosing the right outfit can make all the difference when it comes to looking older. Look around, and you’ll notice that old people don’t wear camo cargo pants, Hannah Montana t-shirts or backwards baseball hats – they wear polyester shirts from the thrift store, pants with elastic waistbands and Depends underwear. As such, skip past that Quiksilver store at the mall and start buying clothes from those giant bins at CostCo.

Wear Makeup

Have you ever looked at a clown and thought, “Wow, that guy looks really young!” No, you haven’t – and for one simple reason: makeup makes people look older. As such, you should wear as much as possible to fool the world into thinking you’re wise beyond your years. Start by caking on a bright white base layer. Then, add diamond shapes and a big red mouth to really add on the decades.

Tip: When applying makeup, always opt for the “sad clown” appearance. Depression and inner pain will subtly suggest that you’ve lived through years of traumatic pain and anguish.

Visit the Holy Grail Chamber and Drink From the Wrong Cup

Choose the “wrong” cup in the chamber that houses the Holy Grail, and you can easily take your face from adolescent to decrepit in no time flat. Drinking from false Holy Grails is an ancient secret aging process that has been used for decades by German Nazis and other power-hungry non-whip-carrying archaeologists. Fast, simple and effective, in just seconds you’re withered face and ashes-to-ashes skin will easily trick the world into thinking you died of old age years ago!

Tip: Choose wisely when selecting your cup. Accidentally pick the actual Holy Grail, and you’ll be punished with reinvigorated youth and vitality (and no one wants that).

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Calling all slayers, thrashers and heshers! Are you sick of panting for breath every time you totally destroy a guitar solo? Do all those double bass drum kicks have your calves pounding harder than the crowd’s fists? Does all that head banging make you want to lie down and sing your third Hell-themed power ballad from the concert stage floor?

Let's go for a jog.

Then kick your skinny, drug-addled body into shape and join the HEAVY METAL JOGGING CREW!

That’s right, no longer is cardiovascular exercise reserved for Nickelback fans and the stodgy brainless zombies of the office rat race. Now you can totally turn yourself into the cloven-footed Iron Man you’ve always wanted!

The Heavy Metal Jogging Crew has been sent straight from the 9th layer of Hell to whip your puny ass into shape! Each night, we emerge from the depths of the abyss to assemble at the gates of hell – a.k.a. the Alhambra bike path entrance on the eastside of town (right behind the Subway restaurant and Lollicup Boba Tea place)!

From there, we run like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse at a brisk, medium-to-slow pace over paved concrete and low-grade inclines for a total of 1.25 miles!

Stop praying for Megadeth every time you break a sweat! Just two weeks of this brutal ass kicking and your demon blood will surge with enough energy to get you all the way to that second encore without so much as an elevated heart rate!

Worried all those years of cigarettes and bar food will slow you down? Not to worry – we’ll have the metal tunes blastin’ from Satan’s iPod nano itself to keep you motivated. Plus, every Thursday I personally dress up as the supreme dark lord of hell so you will literally be RUNNING WITH THE DEVIL!!

Flabby thighs? Fade to Black! Love handles? For Whom the Bell Tolls! Neck pain? I Got 99 Problems but a Crick Ain’t One (Limp Biskit cover version)!

So what are you waiting for? If you’re ready to be the Master of Puppets of your own body, assemble with the Cowboys From Hell every weeknight, Monday through Thursday from 7:30 to 8:15!

No special workout equipment necessary – just bring your Doc Martins and skinniest jeans and you’ll be ready to rip it up with the rest of us!

Also, bring a bottle of water – because dehydration is MEGA LAME!

See you there – if you dare!!

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With the guard distracted, I re-routed the camera monitor to loop the footage I’d recorded earlier. “That should buy me about half an hour,” I thought as the Two and a Half Men opening theme kicked and I slipped out the door.

I sprayed the hairspray into the air as I contorted, high-stepped and crawled my way across the room in slow motion. “What are you doing?” asked one of the other people in the dentist’s office.

When you think about it, a security camera really isn’t any more complicated than a charge-coupled device that makes use of a sophisticated camera lens, light-sensing technology and various wires and motors to capture and record video.

My nerves bristled as I looked up to see the security guard watching me like a hawk from the corner of the room. “Oh wait, that’s no security guard,” I thought to myself. “That’s the hawk I hired to be my lookout.” I laughed again at the funny little hat I’d tied to its head.

76 degrees. I began to worry. A moment later, 76.5 degrees. As the temperature gauge on the thermal heat sensor crept closer and closer to 77.2 degrees, I really started to panic. Was it true? Had I really forgotten to switch my laundry from the washer to the dryer before leaving for the museum? If so, one thing was for sure: I’d be falling asleep in wet pajamas tonight.

I winced as the glass case that had covered the diamond slipped from my hand and hurdled towards the floor. In the blink of an eye, my cover was blown as a thousand glass shards spewed across the museum floor in one boisterous crash. “I guess this was the wrong time to teach myself how to juggle,” I concluded as I grabbed the diamond and ran from the room.

“They’ll never find me here,” I thought as I took my hiding spot in the storage room. Now all that was left to do was to sit tight and wait for the heat to die down. I closed my eyes and began to count the seconds. 1…2…3… “Found him,” a security guard yelled as he pulled back the sheet I’d thrown over my body. “He’s behind this crate counting out loud.”

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Attention U.S. Government,

This letter is to inform you that I have decided to secede from the union. To be frank, I have not been happy with the way this country has been run over the last few years, and as the old saying goes, “If you want things done right you’ve got to do it yourself.”

As such, I have decided to strike out on my own and form my own country – the kingdom of Palisades. And though I am no longer bound to your laws, I would really like it if we could remain allies. By the king’s decree (me), the kingdom of Palisades shall abide by the following rules and regulations:

The country of Palisades shall be a small hamlet that is situated within the U.S. state of California. More specifically, the king has mandated that the eastern and southern wings of the Glendale Galleria Mall will encapsulate the kingdom proper. Our borders shall run the length of both floors of the mall, from the Macy’s department store to the frozen yogurt place in the food court.

There will be an open borders policy between the countries of Palisades and America. As such, no passports or other forms of identification will be needed to enter and exit Palisades.

The king shall have free use of all goods and services located within the borders of Palisades. Also, on weekends when the miniature train is up and running for the children, the king will not have to wait in line to ride the train and shall be awarded priority seating.

Also, the conductor should give the king his conductor’s cap to wear while riding on the train.

The currency of Palisades, which has been designed and printed by the king himself, will have an exchange rate of one Palisades penny to 1,000 U.S. dollars. Either form of currency is accepted for Palisadian goods and services. Additionally, it is requested that the citizens of Palisades be able to exchange a Palisades penny for U.S. currency at any U.S.-owned store in the mall (and if not all citizens, then at least the king).

Palisades is dedicated to offering international job opportunities to American citizens. Outsourcing will remain a key component of the Palisadian economy. Additionally, it should be noted that salary, health care and all other forms of compensation shall be the responsibility of the employee’s home country.

The central town of Old Navy shall serve as the capital of Palisades.

Palisades also proposes a free-trade agreement with the United States. We will gladly exchange our abundant khaki pants, Hallmark greeting cards and Spencer’s gifts for haircuts at the JCPenney styling salon.

These laws and regulations are preliminary, and new laws may be enacted by the king at any time. For questions and comments, please feel free to contact the king directly at any time. For the majority of mall hours, he can be found sitting on his throne and waving to his royal subjects in the main 2nd-floor walkway of the kingdom (in front of the AMC 18 movie theater).

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this Holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.

“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “they’re bells.

Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “These are Carols.”

REMEMBER…. I HAVE MY TWO BLOGS ALL SET UP NOW AT
DORAZ SAYS….SO COME ON BY FOR THE LATEST!

When speaking with friends and family, do you often describe your new boyfriend as “too good to be true?” If that new special someone comes off as a little too perfect, then there is a high likelihood that you are actually dating a robot. Before that filthy robot finds the time to feed off your life force and leave you a hollow shell of skin and bones, review these warning signs to determine whether or not your new boyfriend is a robot:

1. When you tell him you love him for the first time, responds, “Does not compute.”

2. Last name is an 11-digit series of numbers

3. Finds any excuse possible to dance The Robot

4. When getting intimate, asks you to dress up as the microwave

5. Best friend from high school is a giant pneumatic assembly arm

6. For Valentine’s Day, gives you a giant heart-shaped box of batteries

7. You would describe his eye color as “pixilated”

8. He keeps having nightmares about a “spinning pinwheel of death”

9. Writes love notes in binary

10. His 11,000 brothers all look exactly like him

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Let’s face it: winter sucks. Freezing weather, holiday shopping, visits from the in-laws – with all the stresses of this loathsome season, one wonders why the almighty Zeus invented winter in the first place.

Wouldn’t it be great if there were some way to just skip the whole devilish season altogether? You know, jump right from the vibrant forest fireworks of autumn into the dewy grass and flowers of spring?

As it turns out, you only need look to nature for the answer: hibernation. That’s right, hibernation. Now, more than ever, humans are taking a cue from the stupider, more worthless creatures of the animal kingdom and choosing to sleep through nature’s most boring and irrelevant seasons.

If you want to get in on this growing trend, then here are the steps you need to follow to ensure you spend your winter in a nice, long state of comatose suspended animation:

Get Fat

If you’re going to be asleep for three months, then you’re going to need plenty of body fat stored up to ensure you make it through your nap without dying of malnutrition. Given that it is already December, you have probably already packed on a good 20 to 30 pounds in preparation by now (thank you Thanksgiving).

To pack on those final 50 pounds, you’ll want to eat plenty of high-fat foods. For best results, nature tells us that the best tactic is to stand in an open stream and catch the fatty sock-eye salmon in your mouth as they swim upstream.

Find a Good Place to Sleep

You’re going to be in your winter bed for a long time. As such, you better get out there and start staking your claim for a killer place to lay your weary head. Good options include a secluded cave, a hole in the ground or the back guest bedroom of your home. Whatever the location, be sure to hide your spot from other hibernators by covering the entrance with a bunch of dead leaves and wooden branches.

Tip: when the time comes to lay down and go to sleep, transform those leaves into a soft, cushy mattress for maximum maxin’ and relaxin.’

Program Your DVR

The one downside of skipping winter is the fact that you’ll miss out on all the new episodes of your favorite shows. To ensure you don’t wake up a grumpy Gus in March, plan ahead and program your DVR in advance. To make sure there’s enough room for three months of quality TV programming, go ahead and delete all those old episodes of Celebrity Fit Club and Psych.

Buy Some of Ben Stein’s Books on Tape

Are you wondering how you’re possibly going to stay asleep for a whole three months? If so, the answer is Ben Stein’s voice. With his drab, monotone articulation playing on a continuous loop via your iPod nano, you won’t have a problem sleeping like a log for 2,160 hours straight.

Tip: If possible, find a cave or hole that has an electrical outlet (this will help keep your iPod charged)

Store Food for the Spring

No matter how fat you are to begin with, you’re going to wake up awfully hungry once spring rolls around. To make sure you’ve got a good meal set aside come consciousness, plan ahead and store up some food for easy consumption. To accomplish this, go ahead and prepare your favorite meal now – lasagna, sandwiches, a whole turkey, etc. Then, to make sure no one stumbles upon it during your slumber, bury it in your backyard.

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Okay guys, I think it’s pretty safe to say that we all smell something pretty fishy about the new kid in class. I mean, don’t get me wrong, on the surface he seems cool enough – Billabong board shorts, carries a skateboard, can quote Harry Potter with the best of them – but something about that guy just doesn’t seem right.

Maybe it’s just the fact that he’s almost TOO cool, you know? Like maybe he’s trying too hard to be perfect. I mean, sure, we ALL sit in our chairs backwards so we can rest our arms on the backrest – that’s just the chillest way for us youths to get our relaxin’ on. But seriously, he pulls that trick EVERY time he sits down.

And once he’s in that super relaxed position, he’s always saying weird things like, “Yo homies, let’s rap,” and “Being a teen is the raddest!”

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure no REAL kid has ever said either of these two phrases in real life. And I mean EVER! But then again, maybe he’s just saying those things ironically – you know, like when we say things are “bad” when they’re actually good?

Also, the dude talks about homework WAY too much. At free period he’s always saying, “Yo let’s get our learn on and work some math problems.” Or when we shoot hoops, he’s saying things like, “Now, if I scored two 3-pointers and two slam dunks, how many more points would I need to beat you by double digits?”

It’s like he WANTS us to do good in school – which is weird because up until now, I was under the impression that it was cool to be an underachiever. But then, here comes this super cool kid who spews lame phrases that make him sound just like Principal Coates, and all of a sudden I don’t know whether I should start applying myself or not.

Speaking of Principal Coates, that kid sure looks an awful lot like him. Now that I think of it, if you just removed the super cool backwards baseball cap that he wears all the time, the two could be TWINS!

Which begs another question: why does the new kid have a mustache? We’re in the 7th grade for Christ sakes! Even if he was mature for his age, you gotta admit that beautiful thick plumage above the new kid’s upper lip is a little suspicious.

Also, one time, we were all ogling Madison in that super tight tank top she was wearing, and the new kid walks up and says something like, “Man, I would respect the STUFF out of that. Buy her flowers, treat her right, and not have sex with her until marriage – cause I don’t want those STDs, know what I’m saying.”

Now does that sound like something a 13-year-old boy would say? Or does it sound like something a PRINCIPAL would say if he was trying to peer motivate us to be good, wholesome teens?

I don’t know, maybe I’m just making mountains out of molehills here. The new kid says he comes from Canada, so maybe everything is just ass backwards up there. I guess I shouldn’t go jumping to any conclusions.

But I can promise you one thing – I am going to be watching him like a hawk this weekend when we go over to his house to listen to him rap about the “Importance of Proper Hygiene” and write thank-you notes to our mothers “just because.”

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Are you sick and tired of a power level that is not “all-seeing” and “omnipotent?” Have you been sitting around your apartment wondering why throngs of worshippers aren’t groveling at your feet? Are there people in your life that need a good smiting?

If you are human, then the answer to these and other questions is undoubtedly a resounding and enthusiastic, “Yes!”

Well, my friend, you can either sit back and pout about the lousy, flawed human form that fate so nastily bestowed upon you, or you can get up out of your La-Z-Boy and do something about it.

If you really want an entire world of intelligent life forms creating golden images of you and doing your every bidding, then you’ve got to buckle down and become a god. Here are some foolproof paths to get you there:

Die for the Sins of Others

When Jesus died for the sins of mankind, he ascended into heaven and immediately took the seat at the right hand of the Father (note: this seat was super comfortable – probably a padded chaise lounge with killer lumbar support or something). And now, millions of believers validate Jesus’ transition from man to God by uttering the phrase “Jesus is Lord.”

You too can take a seat right next to God by selflessly dying for the sins others. Sure, it may hurt when one of those people you’re dying for is nailing your hands and feet to a cross, but it’ll be all worth it just to have millions of people capitalizing pronouns (He, Her, Him, etc.) every time they reference you in the written word. Also, Jesus totally shreds on the guitar – so you’ll also have that to look forward to.

Become the Creator of Life

Don’t want to be just the Son of God? Skip right to the top of the heap simply by creating an intricate universe of complex life forms. Sound hard? Well, you’re wrong. All it takes is the ability to combine a complex series of infallible mathematical formulas and complex laws of physics in such a way that it creates perfect balance and harmony.

Once you’ve found a good spot outside of the universe to apply these laws, simply mix a bunch of things in a big pot (ammonia, carbon, Kraft French Vanilla Cool Whip, etc.) and BINGO! You’ve got yourself a universe all for yourself. Tip: when manufacturing life, be sure to create INTELLIGENT life forms. Otherwise, your world will be filled with animals too stupid to understand that they have YOU to thank for their existence.

Run a Bunch of Errands for Eurystheus

Upon completing 12 errands (sometimes called trials) for Eurytheus, Hercules became a great hero and was deemed worthy of becoming a god by Zeus and the other Greek gods. Now, it should be noted that these errands might be pretty difficult. For Hercules, they included slaying the 9-headed Hydra, capturing the 3-headed dog of the underworld, Cerberus, and doing other stuff to things that had more heads than inherently necessary.

However, seeing as how Hercules has already achieved all these incredibly dangerous feats for Eurystheus, it is possible that your 12 errands may be substantially less difficult. Catch him on the right day, and maybe you can sneak into Mount Olympus simply by washing his dishes or folding some togas.

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Look at the house on the right.

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man’s cane slips on the floor and he falls.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, “If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn’t slip.”

The old man snaps back, “Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today.”

Luisa Doraz

REMEMBER…. I HAVE MY TWO BLOGS ALL SET UP NOW AT
DORAZ SAYS….SO COME ON BY FOR THE LATEST! HAPPY SHOPPING!

]]> http://pleatedjeans.wordpress.com/2009/11/27/festive-centerpiece-prematurely-removed-from-table-to-make-room-for-pillsbury-crescent-rolls/ Fri, 27 Nov 2009 16:34:06 +0000 Pleated Jeans http://pleatedjeans.wordpress.com/2009/11/27/festive-centerpiece-prematurely-removed-from-table-to-make-room-for-pillsbury-crescent-rolls/

In a move that severely disheartened dinner host Kate Krieger at this year’s annual Thanksgiving dinner, the decorative autumn centerpiece she had placed in the middle of the table was unceremoniously removed prior to the meal in order to make room for a wooden basket of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls.

The move was reluctantly made by Ms. Krieger after numerous attempts to rearrange the other food items on the table proved unsuccessful in yielding adequate table space for the all-important crescent rolls.

Upon hearing the decision, family members reacted by feigning disappointment and paying lip service to Ms. Krieger’s repeated statements of, “Oh well,” and “That’s too bad.”

Despite this half-hearted support, family members managed to maintain their seamless passage of food items from one person to the next throughout the entire ordeal.

Sources close to the dinner host report that the centerpiece – which consisted of a cornucopia lovingly filled with an arrangement of pinecones, leaves and fall plastic fruit – was handmade by Ms. Krieger herself. Ms. Krieger would later confirm that the centerpiece took “the whole morning” to complete.

Though not ideal, dinner guests unanimously agreed that having the crescent rolls within easy reach took precedence over the trivial boost in holiday ambiance that the centerpiece provided. As Cousin Gary explains, “Is it a shame? I guess. But I’m not getting up from my seat to walk into the kitchen every time I want to eat another crescent roll.”

Suggestions by Ms. Krieger to load two or three crescent rolls onto each guest’s plate at the beginning of the meal were immediately dismissed as an uneconomical usage of plate real estate.

Witnesses to the event noted that Ms. Krieger was clearly mildly upset by the dismissal of the centerpiece for a good three to four seconds. However, after making a slight frown and glancing longingly a couple times at the fireplace mantle – where the centerpiece had been exiled to – Ms. Krieger turned her attention to the heaping pile of candied yams on her plate and reportedly, “forgot all about it.”

Despite reassurances that the centerpiece would be returned to its rightful place on the table for the dessert portion of the meal, the cornucopia remained forgotten on the mantle for the rest of the evening.

Upon finding the centerpiece the next morning, Ms. Krieger quietly packed the decoration away into a box and placed it in a corner of the attic. Though the homemaker voiced intentions to display the centerpiece again next year, experts agree that the box will probably gather dust for a couple of years before being rediscovered during an especially intensive bout of spring cleaning.

After the centerpiece fails to sell at a garage sale, it will undoubtedly be discarded into the trashcan and rolled out to the curb for final disposal.

1. Prime opportunity to discuss weather with distant relatives

2. Get fewer weird looks when wearing turkey costume to grocery store

3. Tryptophan finally receives saturated news coverage it deserves

4. The feeling of cranberry sauce between my toes

5. Excuse to write an abbreviated blog post

1621: The first Thanksgiving takes place at Plymouth. The Indians are introduced to a number of Pilgrim “treats” being passed around the table. The item that made the biggest impression? Cholera. The deadly, murderous cholera.

1622: Petty bickering ruins Thanksgiving for the first time.

1714: Abigail Smythe requests that her family go around the table and each announce one thing that they are thankful for, officially spurring one of the holiday’s greatest pastimes: making fun of mothers and their stupid ideas.

1780: Employing his legendary ingenuity, Ben Franklin becomes the first individual to turn a traced hand into a picture of a turkey. However, the always-humble Franklin refuses to take responsibility for the discovery. As with all of his inventions, he famously explains, “Don’t thank me. Thank the peyote.”

1817: Turkey becomes the official main course for Thanksgiving. The iconic switch is made after a drought results in scarcity of the original entrée – monkey skulls.

1866: Thanksgiving becomes a national holiday. President Lincoln chooses to set the holiday on the 4th Thursday of November. The date is chosen to allow for “maximum time off from work.”

1901: After receiving a review of “pretty good” from her 6-year-old nephew, Margaret Redding becomes the first in a long line of aunts to erroneously decree her recipe for mashed potatoes as “world famous.”

1934: The first Thanksgiving Day football game is televised. To make room for the new holiday tradition, the previous traditions of “togetherness” and “family bonding” are conveniently removed.

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