y'all - the magazine of southern people (Photo credit: lacylouwho)

I was reading an article today about vocabulary terms kids should know by the time he/she hits the two year old mark.  Researchers use the two year mark as a starting point for the testing of developmental disorders, such as deafness, autism, dyslexia, etc.  Children at or near this age should understand words such as:  hi, bye, mommy, daddy, cat, dog, and so on (you can see the rest of the list through the link at the bottom).  If not, it could mean that your child could have some mental development issues or could just be your child is prepping for a life of professional athletic prowess.

I agree that some of the words from the list are important for a normal baby to recognize, but I spent a lot of my youth in the south where the language is, um, a bit different.  There is no way for southerners to compare their kids to the list presented by the Child Study Institute at Bryn Mawr College.  Therefore, I’ve made a list to handle the largest portion of non-English speaking Americans.  This is the first list of 25 words/terms that your 2-year-old country bumpkin should know.

So, I’ve compiled a list of the 25 words your budding redneck boy or gal should know along with a brief definition or english translation.  If your son or daughter cannot repeat/understand any of the words below, take the whiskey bottle away from your child for a few hours and try again.

1. Maw - equivalent to mother.
2. Paw - equivalent to father.
3. Mamaw – equivalent to grandmother.
4. Pappee – equivalent to grandfather.
5. Bubba - term for brother.  Sometimes used as a term for any male.
6. Sissy – term for sister.
7. Cuddins - relatives.  Example:  It’s aright for cuddins to kiss.
8. Yall – means you all.  Also, commonly used to refer to one person.
9. Yous – the plural form of you.  More strongly directed form of Yall.
10. Arraz - equivalent to ours.  Emphasis is on the 1st syllable.  Example:  When we marry arraz cuddins, we stay kin.
11. Dem – equivalent to them or those.  Example:  Dem critters is still food.  Just wash dem up and toss dem in da oven.
12. Warsh – to clean.  Example:  We warsh the baby same time as the dawg, once a month!
13. Ignant - equivalent to ignorant.  Example:  Don’t be ignant!  Wrasslin is real!
14. Sodeepop – carbonated beverage, such as Pepsi, Coke,or Cactus Juice
15. Skeeter – equivalent to mosquito.  Example:  These dang skeeters is bitin’ me all up on my nayk.
16. Aye-rab – any person of color.  Example:  Amerka has its first aye-rab prezdent, Obama.
17. Larnin – education.  Example:  We gots to get sum larnin if we gonna geet jobs.
18. Vittles – food.  Example:  Boy! Stop tossin’ them vittles at the dawg and eat’em up yur sef.
19. Coon – equivalent to racoon.  Example:  We dun cawt us two coons for suppa!
20. Raffle – gun or firearm.  Example:  I see coons!  Quick, gimme dat raffle!
21. Fixin – term for “going to” or “getting ready to”.  Example:  I’m fixin to whoop dat skweelin baby!
22. Treller – home or house.  Example:  My maw and paw live in separate trellers, but least dem’s in the same treller park!
23. Winna - equivalent to window.  Example:  My camaro’s got natural a/c.  Just crack the winna and feel that cool air.
24. Ricin – NASCAR.  Example:  Lemme git my lucky #3 hat on, cuz it’s car ricin weekend!
25. Laff – equivalent to life.  Example:  The happiest 3 years of my laff wuz spent in 10th grade.

The flu has transformed me into a wheezing, bumbling tangle of limbs and slime.  My senses, covered in phlegm, have allowed me to trip over my feet and almost eat my teeth.  Twice.  I’m not a happy camper.  (Although, the added resonance of nasal congestion grants me a few days of Barry White bass vocals.   But, I’m only swooning myself because Steph and Worm won’t come within earshot of their walking petri dish, formerly known as dad.)

On the first day of flu-ness, my germs have asked of me:  12 packs of saline, 11 foreign movies (preferably French), 10 rolls of tissue, 9 mandarin oranges, 8 coughs a minute, 7 bloody noses, 6 garlic cloves, 5 bowls of soup, 4 Chinese herbs, 3 onion slices, 2 gallons water, and 1 dark, moist room.

I’m lucky to have been sick during the time that Steph had off from work.  For the past 4 days, she has handled all of Worm’s needs, while I lay in bed denouncing the Gods with “Why me?” between coughing fits.  So there hasn’t been any me versus Gavin in the past few days because there was hardly a me present.

But, today Steph’s back at work and I’ve got to take hold of the baby again.  (After 4 days out of view, he may have forgotten just who I am.)  The situation freaks me out as I’m still not 100% well.  In fact, my phlegm is still a ruddy yellow color with red sprinkles all over it.  Am I contagious still?  Probably.  (And I can’t remember the last time the flu hit me for more than a couple of days.  This flu’s been quite resilient.)  I don’t want Gavin to get sick.  So, how do I manage this feat?  I’m sure other parents have been in a similar situation and have their personal way of dealing with spreading germs to the kids.

Then there’s my way.

How To Protect Your Baby From Catching Your Flu - Technique

How To Protect Your Baby From Catching Your Flu - Action

I tried to fight it off.  Multiple clients of mine have been sick.  I’m sure I caught it from one of them because I’ve been having some sinus problems going on for a couple of weeks now.  But, now there’s green and red stuff coming out of my orifices.  (Luckily, not those orifices.  I’m talking about my nostrils.)  All in time for Steph and I to go to San Francisco for the weekend.  Yay.

I’m seeing what a detriment to my health fatherhood is.  Even though Worm didn’t get me sick, I can’t take a rest day from him.  And rest is what I need to kick an infection fast.  He just wouldn’t understand me if I said to him “You play over here for an hour or so and then take a nap.  I’m leaving this big bowl of food next to you so you can eat when you’re hungry.  But, watch your portions.  Your onesies are fitting a bit snug in the middle.”  Mini-me doesn’t understand that daddy needs rest and some Playstation time.

So, I’m off to the herb shop I go to find my Chinese herbal formula to help me kick this blasted sinus infection.  (For all the TCM herbalists, it’s a modified Ge Gen Tang for sinuses.  Stiff neck and upper back with green and red phlegm, chills, no sweating, muscle aches and weakness.)

Now, I understand what they mean when they say “you come second and the baby comes first….”  Sniff, sniff.  Right now, I don’t really see fatherhood as a win-win situation.  It’s more like a parasite-host situation.

I would have taken a picture of my nasal bacteria for you, but instead you get poor, pathetic me.

There's no place like home. There's no place like home...

Like a zit under pressure, he popped.

Ok, but when you said lunch is on me...I didn't know THAT was what you meant!

Maybe it’s just me, but these kinds of hugs don’t give me that warm, fuzzy feeling.

I see the Worm’s mastered the silent vomit.

The student has given the teacher a lesson today.

Gavin – 6; Dad – 4

Currently, there are 24 states that allow home-schooled children to play sports at their neighborhood schools.  This list includes: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Iowa, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, New Hampshire, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Utah, Vermont, Washington state, and Wyoming. Vermont.  (Contact your state representative for further information.)

If your state is not on the list, you are homeschooling your child, and you expect to let him/her participate in secondary school athletics, you may have a battle on your hands.

The Tebow Bill, named after Tim Tebow, the UF football legend, will allow homeschooled children to play high school sports.  Obviously, using the name Tebow carries some weight as well as highlights his rise to football stardom in Florida, where he was homeschooled and allowed to play high school football.

The State of Virginia is the most recent state trying to pass this bill.

Opponents of the bill argue that home-schooled children don’t have the education level of a typical high school student.  (Really?  So, your high school football star who’s getting recruited by top colleges around the country can barely score in triple digits on the SAT’s and you think homeschooling is poor? Doesn’t this happen every year?)  There are also those that oppose this bill, because it will create a ‘recruiting’ type of atmosphere between homeschooled kids and local high schools.  (If you didn’t already know, that stuff already happens with normal high school students.)

On the other side of the coin, some taxes goes to supporting public schools.  So, even though you may home-school, you are still paying money towards a local high school.  So, shouldn’t your child be allowed to play sports with the other taxpaying students?  Or maybe all the homeschooled children’s taxes would go to a separate sports/activities program.  (Then the s#!t would hit the fan…)

Below are some of the articles outlining what is going on with the Tebow Bill.  If you know you are going to homeschool your child through secondary school, then you may want to start looking at your state’s legislature now.

You could be growing the next Tim Tebow in your very own house!  Wouldn’t the world be a better place if there were just a few more Tim Tebows?

The Tebow Bill

More Tebow Bill

Even More Tebow Bill

Sports Participation for Homeschoolers

Related articles

• ‘Tebow Bill’ Passes Va. Education Committee (washington.cbslocal.com)
• “Tebow Bill” Heads To Final House Vote In Virginia (washington.cbslocal.com)
• Virginia’s ‘Tebow Bill’ Would Allow Home-Schoolers In High School Sports (tracking.si.com)
• Pol ‘Tebows’ after bill Ok’d (politico.com)
• You: Virginia Home-Schoolers Make a Play to Join High School Teams (nytimes.com)

How will we discipline the Worm?

Personally, I hope to break the spanking tradition with him.  I don’t plan on serving physical punishment to the Worm for his wrongdoings.  (I take out my anger on my dogs.)  But, I will try my best to figure out why he did what he did.  Kids do stuff mindlessly.  I used to be a kid (although some people still think I am a kid).  I’ve partaken in my fair share of destruction.  (I’m just glad no person got hurt, just the animals in the forest and the frogs in the pond, and the turtles, and the…I digress.)  I know full well that some children don’t understand the ramifications of their acts, nor do they understand the ripple effect those actions have on people around them.  (I’m sure that many adults don’t even have this awareness.)  But, I’m still going to try to learn/teach from Gavin’s misdeeds instead of just punishing him for them.  I’m going to search for an answer each opportunity presented, even if I only receive a blank stare in return from him.  Why?  Because I’d like him to recognize his part in the event and accept some responsibility for his actions in life.  And possibly think about what he did, if only briefly.

After being on the other side of the belt, I don’t think that spanking is a necessary component for a parent teaching a lesson.  It won’t build trust between Worm and I and it won’t strengthen our relationship.  Spanking builds fear (and callouses).

If you wish, you can read the article about the effect of spanking on children here.  The article says that spanking leads to aggression and lowers IQ.  (So, does that mean if I spank Gavin enough that he could morph into a professional MMA fighter in a few years?  How is this a bad thing again?)

If you don’t agree with me, please let me give you a few spanking tips:

• Make sure child is wearing thin, tight clothing for maximum spanking effect.  Fluffy clothing dissipates too much energy.
• Spank child in one location on buttocks.  By concentrating your spanking technique to a particular area, you can cause more pain sensation.
• Learn to spank with both arms.  This will keep you from getting repetitive stress syndrome and reduce your chance of injury.
• When using a belt for spanking, a 2 to 3″ wide leather one works well.  To add more spice to the swing, make contact using the buckle end.
• Set goals when spanking your child.  Try to increase the repetitions every time.  Spanking builds strength in your rotator cuff muscles.  It makes a great exercise for the shoulder girdle.
• The best time to spank a child is while they’re sleeping.  They never see it coming and can’t run away.

Fist of Fury

Related articles

• Spanking makes kids more aggressive, should be illegal: Report (theprovince.com)
• Spanking Undermines A Child’s Long-Term Development (medicalnewstoday.com)
• Spanking Doesn’t Work, Study Indicates (inquisitr.com)
• Spanking makes kids more aggressive, should be illegal: Report (canada.com)

He’s cute as a button even if we may have picked up a little Tibetan baby from the hospital instead of our own.

I'm so tired...

To my dearest:

I love you so much that I can’t wait to see you after a long, weary day.

You help me to block out all the noise and chatter of my mind.

You envelop me in your warmth and my skin tingles under your moist kisses.

You never question my motives and always listen to me without judging.

I feel as if I can tell you anything.

My voice becomes as sweet as a songbird in your stead.

I’ve shown you every side of myself, even the darkest places.

You never turn away.

I could spend every waking hour with you.

You are a respite for my mind and body.

You are my sanctuary, my meditation.

And when we part ways after our brief union, I am left standing in a dreamy fog.

Speechless.

Dear shower head, you bring me peace and calm.

I never appreciated you so much before the baby came into our life.  Please never leave me.

I love you…especially in pulsating massage mode.

Love is in the air!

Madonna sang some of her classic songs and her contortionists wriggled and twisted themselves around her.  LMFAO made their appearance.  Then there was M.I.A. (who sang the catchy “Paper Planes” song…) onscreen doing her thing and suddenly flicks everyone off!  (I thought she was looking directly at me when she threw up the middle finger and let’s just say she and I “had a moment”.  For a second, I thought it was a proposition.)  The thing is that it never registered in my brain as offensive or disrespectful.  In fact, it wasn’t until I read about her now infamous left hand salute that I realized that it was a big deal.  But, to who?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but a middle finger is just like the other fingers, only a little longer.  If given the choice to be offended by either a Janet Jackson areola or M.I.A. finger during Superbowl, I’ll pick Janet anytime…which reminds me that I should start taping these saucy halftime shows.

Gavin’s not old enough to understand what offensive gestures are.  (An example would be picking someone else’s nose, which is why his fingers are constantly scavenging my nostrils.  If it was anyone else, I’d fly off the handle.  Maybe not for Lindsay Lohan, though.  I digress.)  In this instance, I got off explanation free.  But, it got me wondering how to approach this 4 years from now, when Gavin sees something like this, the media is up in arms (and bans middle fingers in the U.S.A. to “protect our ignorance innocence children”) and he wonders why.

I’m in the boat where I’d rather the Worm learn these gestures from me (I’ve got a bag full of them.) rather than from someone else.  Will I teach him the middle finger?  Yes.  Why?  Because I want him to know how to use it correctly…like when someone cuts you off on the freeway, or when some kid tells him a momma joke, or when his boss tells him he’s gotta work on the weekend.  Correct usage is important.  Flipping the bird is an art.  Waving the one finger salute used to be meaningful.  It’s gone to s#!t due to abuse and overuse.  I’m going to make it rise to superpower status again, just like our country.

A middle finger means nothing unless the attached brain and body have some reason to throw it up.  Secondly, it has to be directed at someone or something.  M.I.A’s wagging finger meant nothing to me.  We’ve got no beef, (unless she hates my blog).  Maybe it was meant for someone in particular, but only she knows this.  And the people who are crying that their 5-year-old is now screwed up after seeing this during a “family show” is looking for someone to blame.  Your 5-year-old is screwed up because you smoke crack and burn cigarettes on your kid’s arms.

A wise man once told me, “Don’t fear the finger (unless there’s a booger on it).”  Ok I said that, but let’s pretend I’m wise.

Where was I going with this blog post?  Oh yeah, right here:

In my country, this is how we say 'Hi'

If you want to know some cool history about the middle finger, see link below:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-16916263

Meditating like the Buddha…

We finally get Gavin home from the hospital, 1.5 days after our special delivery.  I’m excited.  But, it wasn’t without much fighting with the hospital staff.  They’re telling Steph to relax and try and rest in the hospital, yet they are coming in every 2 hours to take her vitals or give her food or clean the room, etc.

I took this ridiculousness as more CYA than care, especially for a natural birth without meds.  (It’s incredible what the body is capable of doing when unmedicated.  In other countries, women give birth and then go home from the hospital in the same day.)  I can see why epidurals keep women at the hospital…it’s because it numbs their entire lower half!

So, I pushed the issue.  Over and over again until the hospital staff heard me.  (We also have the luxury of being only 10 minutes from that hospital and 2 minutes from another, so that was also a factor…it’s not like we were 4 days camel ride away.)

I just wanted to get home so that I could take care of my wife and baby…in our warm, cozy home.

And as you can see, the Worm (not nicknamed yet…) is having his meditation time.  Peaceful and serene, isn’t he?

When Gavin hit the 6 month mark, we gave real food the green light.  Bananas were the first to be sacrificed by the Kalorik Baby Gourmet food processor.  Then avocados, apples, etc.  At 7 months old, we got frisky with exotic fruit like mangos and papaya.  I don’t know why, but I was very interested in seeing if Worm liked these fruits.  Ok, I do know why.  These fruits grow in my mother country, Trinidad, and I must get Gavin to eat these and love them, dammit.  (He’s got West Indian blood in him!  And I want to know how much…)

I had to be present for the very first mango feeding.  Mango is my all-time favorite fruit.  So, this was like a paternity test for us.  I was so anxious, I had to empty my bladder before the big moment to avoid any incident.

There definitely was a sourpuss face with first bite of mango puree.  With bated breath, I wished for a more positive response on the second spoonful.  Gavin swished the mutilated mango morsel around for a second, then swallowed the mouthful down and opened his mouth for more (like one of those starving baby birds on the nature channel!)  Success!  (I patted him on the back with ” You really ARE my son!  There’s no need for us to get Maury Povich involved.”)  He figured out how delicious mangos were, and powered through the rest of the puree.

It looks like I’m going to have to learn to share the fruit of my labor with the fruit of Steph’s labor…or start hiding my mangos in the underwear drawer!

If you didn’t already know, there’s one mango that I’ve yet to try out….the Tebow mango!

I love mangos! Just like daddy!

Duncan, my Weimaraner, needs lots of exercise.  So, there’s a lake near us that has no car traffic and is paved all the way around.  It’s a 5 mile loop, and  even if I run the entire 5 miles (which I hope to do again, soon), Dunkie barely breaks a sweat.  Since Mini-me arrived, and I’m responsible for him (meaning Steph would kill me if I left him home alone), he gets to be pushed around the lake in the three-wheeled comfort of BOB while Dunkie and I jog.

It was cold at the lake this morning.  So, I bundled up Gavin by putting a hoodie over his pajamas. (Steph hates it when I don’t coordinate him.  I say brown goes with everything. )  I stuff the Worm into the stroller and cover him with a blanket.  I get Duncan out of the truck and we’re all ready to roll.

Since I can’t run the entire 5 miles anymore (without sleeping the next 18 hrs straight), I run a couple of miles and then walk for a bit.

When I slow down to walk, everyone around wants to talk to me.  (I guess when people look at me they think “Hey, that guy looks sad & lonely.  Maybe I’ll tell him my life story so he doesn’t feel so bad about his.”)  I’m sad and lonely because I want to be, people!

So, within minutes of walking, conversationalist #1 tries to make eye contact with me.  I can feel the eyes piercing my neck and I try to look down at the baby stroller as if I’m checking on him.  (Avoidance tactic.  Steph tells me I’m great at this.)  Man, she’s still staring.  I look up.

“Wow, that’s a BEAUTIFUL dog!  (5 second pause.)  And BABY too!”

“Huh?  Oh, thank you.”  I smile.  ”He’s a good dog.  The baby’s ok sometimes too.”  Man, she can’t even see the baby’s face under the hoodie and he’s almost 90% covered up by the blanket.  Does this lady think it’s rude to say my dog is cute without commenting on my baby too?  What?  Does she feel sorry for me that my dog is cuter than my baby?  Maybe I need an uglier dog.

I run another two miles.  Then stop to give Dunkie some water.

Conversationalist #2 walks by me, this time from the opposite direction.  But, not without saying almost the same exact thing #1 said!

“Good morning!  You’re dog is BEAUTIFUL.  Oh, and so is you baby, too!”

“Thank you.”  I smile awkwardly.  WTF?  She can’t even see my baby.  The stroller hood is pulled all the way over him to keep out the rising sun!

I make it around the rest of the lake without incident.  (Probably because I had my ‘thug life’ grimace on.)

Back at the Cruiser (affectionately known as Eleanor), I’m set up to feed Dunkie the rest of his water, change the baby diaper, and stretch a little.  (Not all at the same time, people…)

I look over my shoulder and #1 is in the parking lot, looking at her phone, which seems to be pointed towards me.  I don’t know if she was taking a picture of my toned glutes or what.  But, she walks towards my truck and speaks.

“Is that a Weimaraner?”

“Yes.”

“He’s so BEAUTIFUL.  Is he good with the baby?”

(No, he’s actually going to eat the baby once I leave them both unattended in the truck.  Barring any more gruesome event, I should be on the news tonight.)

“Yes, he’s a good dog.” Didn’t you hear me the first time I said it?  ”He’s really good around the baby.”  (Can’t you see that he’s literally 2″ away from the baby while I’m changing him?)

“You’re baby’s beautiful too.”

“Thanks.  Have a good day.”  I smile.

Look.  I don’t give a crap if you tell me that I’ve got a beautiful dog.  I know I do.  Both of my dogs are handsome as hell.  They were rescued from a shelter so they’ve got self-esteem issues, but they’re beautiful where it matters most…on the outside.

Dad, Why is My Head Growing So Fast? (Because It's Filling Up With My Wisdom, Son.)

I know my baby’s not as cute as my dogs.  It’s ok.  The Worm was really cute as a baby, but now his head’s sort of growing faster than his face.  He’s going through an ugly phase, kind of like when I was growing up and my adam’s apple stuck out further than my nose.  I get it.

Please don’t tell me my dog is beautiful, then as an afterthought tell me that my baby’s beautiful, too.  That’s just weird and uncomfortable.  It’s not like they came from the same mother.  And it’s not a contest.  Duncan would win, hands down.  (For my mom:  I know you’re reading this and there’s definitely no way Dunkie is cuter than the Worm…no way!)

I like long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, and licking toes!

Related articles

• BOB Revolution SE (2010 Model) (mevsgavin.com)

Turns out, not so much. While I can definitely see the benefit of this unit for someone who has a micro-sized kitchen and no storage space to keep the pots/steaming baskets/food processor that is needed to make baby food without it, the unit does leave a bit to be desired (I have a feeling others share my sentiments considering the current going price for this machine has dropped into the $60 range, whereas you couldn’t find it for less than retail ($99) anywhere when we bought it last year).

Kalorik Baby Gourmet

The use of the unit is super simple. There is a port to put in the water, which is measured out with a handy measuring cup that has increments of not only milliliters and ounces, but also steam time.  This way you can guestimate how much water you need to add based upon a guess of how much time will be needed to steam something (this is useful as the instruction manual only lists about a dozen example foods and steaming times).  You pour the water into the port, screw in the knob (better not lose that as the unit won’t work without it), lock in the main bowl, put in the steaming basket, put in your evenly cubed fruits and vegetables, lock on the tip, turn the knob to steam and voila… it turns off automatically once the steam runs out.

While it is simple to use (and I lost the instructions after the first time setting it up, so it must be easy to figure out as I have very little mechanical aptitude), there is a lot left to be desired in the design.

First off, the basket only holds about 2 cups of cubed fruit/veggies.  This translates into about a cup of cooked food. Which is fine for when you are just introducing solids and are only making enough for a few days at a time, but when your ravenous infant is eating 2-3 cups of purees a day, the tiny output doesn’t cut it.

It is a bit difficult to have the transfer the scalding cooked fruit/veggies from the steaming basket (which has no handle) back into the main bowl, AND manage to get the blade on without smooshing food into the gears or burning the crap out of yourself.

Cleaning the unit can be a pain, and there are parts that will never get clean. The steam port on the main bowl that lets the steam in from the base is screwed on and not removable. (That may have changed on the newer model.)

Steam Port on Kalorik Baby Food Processor

It also doesn’t have a flow back prevention valve, which means that when you blend in the main bowl, pureed food seeps back into the port. And you can’t rinse or scrub it out. So the food just sits there. Forever.

Also, the plastic on the base cracked almost within the first week (and no, it wasn’t because Dylan was showing Gavin Kung Fu moves with it), and the blending is SUPER loud, even more so than the mini food processor we own.

So, all in all, I probably wouldn’t buy this again. In fact, I am going out this weekend to buy a full size food processor to make sure I can make enough food at one time to last the week without having the prepare 17 batches of the same thing.

———-

Overall Rating:  5 Worms

Ease of Use: 7 Worms

Performance:  6 Worms

Features:  5 Worms

Durability:  3 Worms

Manliness:  5 Worms (Your man may make the baby food, but I have a hunch he probably ain’t gonna use this)

Retail Price:  $99

———-

Pros:

Purees food much smoother than a regular food processor.  If you don’t have the storage space for a full size food processor and steaming pans, this is a nice compact little all-in-one unit that will allow you to make some small batches of food at home and it’s easy enough that a caveman (or husband) could use it.

Cons:

The blending is very noisy (not so good when you’re trying to sneak in some food preparation while baby’s napping); the steaming port on the main bowl is impossible to clean out (yuk); it is not very durable.

Things I would modify:

Definitely allow for the steam port to be rinsed out (Maybe changed on the newer model); make the bowl and steam basket bigger; increase the durability of the base.

Where to find:

http://www.kalorik.com/Kalorik-html/itempages/foodpros/MCH-33526-Y.html

Related articles

• Guest Blogger (Chef Steph): Enter the Culinary Centerpiece of Gavin’s Gastrointestinal Gaiety (mevsgavin.com)

Dude, Where's My Bag?

Yes, dude is in the title twice.  The first dude is for the company name, Diaper Dude.  The second dude is for the name of this particular bag, the Dude Bag.  Got it?  Good.

This guy, Chris Pegula, is a genius.  He invented these diaper bags for men.  He knew that men didn’t want to embarrass themselves by carrying diapers and baby stuff in a pink and paisley pussycat themed bag.  (Just a little emasculating, don’t you think?)  So, he created Diaper Dude, bags that are functional and manly.  And manly.

This particular Dude Bag is the original gangsta’.  It’s what made Diaper Dude, well, Diaper Dude.  It’s a shoulder bag with just enough compartments for you to keep track of your stuff.  (Too many compartments and it starts to be a woman’s bag…like, I have an earrings pocket, phone pocket, watch pocket, breath mints pocket, credit cards pocket, change pocket, keys pocket, mascara pocket, lipstick pocket, and even a pocket pocket.  It’s a pocket to hold a pocket.  And men wonder why women can’t find anything in their purses…)

I love this bag.  This is our only diaper bag (which says a lot).  We have the gray and orange one.  There are a few other styles and all are  Y-chromosome friendly (for example:  camo, black, and plaid).  The bag is easy to carry and has an adjustable strap.  The zippers are large enough for my hands and durable for when we have to cram everything into one pocket for no reason, which happens often with me.

There are a ton of features that I like on this bag:  cellphone holder, two front small pockets, a large middle pocket and two rear stretchy stuff pouches in the back.  I use every part of this bag and it’s got everything I need and nothing I don’t.  (Steph even likes it, and she’s not a dude!)  There’s really not much that blows my mind about this bag, but that’s the beauty of it.  It does exactly what it was designed for, no more, no less.  It’s durable, dependable, and useful, just like a dad should be.  It fits perfectly into the fabric of our lives.  (Isn’t that from a commercial?)

By the way, they’ve even added a few bag designs for the not-so-girly girls.

———-

Overall Rating:  10 Worms   

Ease of Use:  10 Worms  

Performance:  10 Worms 

Features:  9 Worms 

Durability:  10 Worms 

Manliness:  10 Worms (It’s made by a dude, for a dude.)

Retail Price:  $60

———-

Pros:

Large zippers, easy access pockets, changing pad, padded back, cellphone pocket, stroller clips, key clip, durable polyester material.

Cons:

Waterproof outer would be nice.

Things I would modify:

Make the cell phone pocket larger.  Mine barely fits and it’s an HTC Droid.

Where to find:

http://www.diaperdude.com

Can You Hear Me Now?

This is the 3rd hearing test for the Worm.  At the hospital, they will give the hearing test multiple times if one or both sides fail.  Gavin failed the first hearing test on the right side.  (I thought he was only going to have one good ear, but I made amends with it because one good ear is better than none, right?)  The second time he took the test, he failed again.  (I made amends with this again, because it hadn’t quite sunk in that he could be deaf in one ear yet.)  The nurse said that the reason for the hearing test failure was that there could be fluid stuck in his ear, so she gave Gavin some drops and I held him over my shoulder for a few minutes to let the ear solution unclog his ear.  Voila!  She was right and he passed the third test with both ears functional!  Yeah!  He will have no excuse hearing me yell at him!

If you’re wondering about the above setup, the red and blue are the headphones and the electrode on the forehead is the probe.  The baby needs to be sleeping for the test to work properly, hence my dirty finger in his mouth.

As a teenager, I worked at a little supermarket in my neighborhood.  It was my dojo.  Kind of like the Karate Kid movie (the real one) where Ralph Macchio was washing cars and learning Karate. I, on the other hand, was honing my martial art techniques by bagging groceries.

Left hand cups the canned vegetables, right hand palms the lettuce.  Make eye contact with customer.  Is she going to tip me?  No?  Lettuce to the bottom of the grocery bag and canned vegetables directly on top.  Repeat with avocados and canned beans coming down the conveyor.  This time, eyes closed.

With this intense supermarket training, I was able to sharpen my hand speed and coordination.  By the end of my 2 years there, I was able to make the bagels on aisle 10 crumble to the ground with only a glancing blow.

Young student says “Master, when will I know that I’m done here?”
Old master replies “When you are no longer pink in the middle.”

Little did I know, that 20 years later, I still maintained my supermarket skills.  And I would need it to save the life of my son, Gavin.

Steph and I are in the bedroom.  It’s morning and she’s getting ready for work.  The Worm’s awake so she gets him out of his crib, brings him into our room and plops him down on the bed.  ”Watch him, ok?”  She goes to the bathroom and fixes her hair.  Gavin and I are both sitting on the bed looking at each other.  The Worm then starts crawling around atop the duvet.  (You know where this is going, right?)  I’m caught up in conversation with Steph and I’ve got one eye on Gavin.  Well, he crawls to the edge of the bed and looks over.  I think nothing of it, because in my conscious mind, no rational baby would want to leap off the edge of the bed and plunge 2 feet to their fate…

This one’s not rational.  He dives.

This is an exact reenactment.

In the flash of half a second, I lunge towards him and grab onto his right lower leg catching him with his head dangling 2 inches from the ground.  (It was a one-handed grab, in case you were wondering.)  On a side note, since all the great techniques have names I call this one “Oak tree Catches Flying Squirrel“

Afterwards, with baby safe on the bed again, my adrenalin kicked in.  I also realized Steph watched the whole thing in the bathroom mirror.  (Yes, I got an earful from her.)  If I had missed, I’m pretty sure there would have been two doctor’s visits, one for his head and one for my a$$.  (I’m sorry Steph.  You are right again, as always.  It won’t happen again.  You are the prettiest woman in the universe.)

I’m patting myself on the back for this one.  I’m still in the awe part of my awesomeness.

Gavin – 5; Dad – 4

I know every mother thinks their kid is the most beautiful thing in the universe, but that’s hormones playing with a woman’s mind!  I’m not a woman and I don’t even have hormones!  (At times, Steph thinks that I barely even have a heart!)  What’s gotten into me?  Does spending too much time with a baby generate estrogens in a man?  (Why is my underwear suddenly more baggy in the front?)

Is my sanity in fatherhood spiraling out of control?  Is SAHD life making me soft?  (Am I growing man boobs?)

I feel like a different man.  Not quite a wo-man, but a more sensitive man…I guess I would say a Wham!-man.  I’m no longer a Bad Boy.  For certain, Last Christmas, I was a manly man.  (How many Wham! song references can I make?) Now, I’m a sopping, photo-taking, face-wiping, diaper-changing shadow of my former self.

Is this going to lead to professional photo shoots in Gavin’s future?  Yes.  Will I be his driver for his future road-trip beauty pageants all over America? Yes!

The ultimate question is….Will I teach him how to toss a baton?  Yes!

We’ll be kicking ass and taking names, my Little Miss Sunshine.  Toddlers and Tiaras?  Hell no, Toddlers and Testicles.

Look out for us on the baby beauty pageant circuit.  We’ll be in the old Land Cruiser.

Photolicious!

How To Dad By John Boswell and Ron Barrett

I received How To Dad By John Boswell and Ron Barrett as a gift.  It’s a fun book that I’m not ready for yet.  I mean Gavin isn’t ready for yet.  He’s almost 10 months old, and even though he’s big for his age, I don’t think he’s ready to catch a baseball at this moment.  (But, it won’t stop me from trying to toss one at him…)

Steph and I received a ton of books from our family before Gavin came.  (Maybe our parents agreed that she and I needed some serious guidance on parenthood.)  One day, about a year ago, I was sitting beside myself waiting for my clone baby to be born.  So, I read How To Dad from cover to cover.  It’s a short read and is 80 pages.  (I read slowly, so it was 3 weeks of reading for me.)  After going through the book, I could say that I was pretty excited for Gavin and I to start doing these fun things together.  Almost excited enough to start pulling the baby out of Steph’s body myself.

Boswell and Barrett know how to strike a chord with fathers in this book.  I kept flashing back through my own memories of my dad doing lots of these things with me.  I love my dad for spending this time with me and I hope that one day I will get to do this with my son.  With this book, I’m sure I won’t miss any of the finer father-son teaching moments.

The book is written well enough for both parents and children to read.  It’s a fun book and has cute illustrations on every page.  It touches on how to perform various life tasks (like whistling and snapping your fingers) and just as important, how not to perform them.

I enjoyed reading How To Dad before Gavin was born and I will be sure to dust it off and review it once Gavin is old enough to start doing cool stuff with his old man.  This book makes a great gift for Father’s day too!

—–

Overall Rating:  8 Worms

Readability:  9 Worms

Usefulness:  8 Worms  (This rating depends on how much you already know.)

Manliness:  10 Worms  (Nothing makes you more of a man than spending time with your kids.)

Retail Price:  $9.95

—–

Pros:

Lots of cool things that you can (learn for yourself as well as) teach your kids.  Teach them how to: throw a football, bait a hook, ride a bike, build a campfire, and lots more.  It’s geared towards kids that are a little older.  I would say this book is great for ages 4 and up.  This book gives some pretty nice techniques on HOW to teach your kids to do something.  It is an excellent guide for you to review if you tend to have difficulty explaining things to your children in a way they can understand.  In fact, you can even let your kids read it!

Cons:

Nothing.

Things I would modify:

Nothing.

Cleaned Up and Ready to...Sleep

This picture was taken a little while after the incident with the lederhosen and the pitchfork.  What?  I’m trying to make this picture interesting…Ok, he’s napping soon after completing his descent from the warmth of mom’s womb.

Pediatricians have developed a way to measure mental growth in children.  There are milestones for you (and them) to observe and chart your child’s progress.  It is based upon the average age at which babies learn to do things such as giggle, wave, make eye contact, turn when called, etc.  This milestone checklist is partly so doctors can catch abnormalities early in baby brain development.  More importantly though, milestones are used for parents to quietly rank their own child against their friends’ kids.

In the beginning, Gavin was smarter than average.  Smiling, laughing, rolling over, fetching  (or was that Duncan?).  Gavin was passing the milestones early by weeks, if not an entire month.  We would visit with the pediatrician and made sure she knew how advanced our prodigy was.  She would check off the milestone boxes on the Worm’s medical chart and we would make sure she documented the additional parlor tricks of our young Einstein.  Oh, how we enjoyed weekends at the park, jeering and throwing yogurt drops at all of the ‘normal’ kids falling off swings and tripping over themselves in the grass.  Our child was so much smarter than THAT!

Durp.

Well that’s changed, and not for the better.  Gavin’s almost 10 months old and has missed a few milestones already.  He doesn’t mimic any sounds we make (except for burping and farting).  He doesn’t say mama or dada.  He uses his forehead as an extra limb.  There’s no baby sign language coming off his hands even though I’ve been teaching him how to sign “eat” for 6 months now.  (At least, I’m learning sign language…)

Let’s just say that if licking the sliding glass door, dragging your face over the carpet, and chewing power cords comprised the milestone checklist, the Worm is in the 99th percentile.  But alas, he is doomed to be either an athlete, or worse, a reality TV actor.

Image via Wikipedia

Forget what I said in an earlier post about losing 30 minutes of my life.  I wasn’t in my right mind.  Today, Tebow shines on my brain and blesses me with a stroke of genius!

I’m driving along and I see the usual signs on the local freeway:  merging traffic, exit only, carpool – 2 or more…wait, 2 or more?  I’ve got two or more in the car.  In fact, I’ve got three in the car at the moment!  Me, Gavin and Duncan = 3!  I can’t believe it!  I’m 2 or more!  I’m 2 or more!  The sign doesn’t say anything about the description of 2 or more, just 2 or more!  The pint-sized progeny finally has a purpose.

Wow!  So, now I’m entitled (well, aren’t all Californians entitled?) to a new entitlement!  I can use the carpool lane!

I see myself saving minutes of freeway driving every week now.  Added up over the course of a few months, I may save enough time to go for a good mountain biking excursion!

All I need is to do is bring the baby wherever I go.  Rush hour traffic?  No problem.  Put the baby in the car.  Morning traffic?  No problem.  Put the baby in the car!  (What else has he got to do?  Nothing!  He’s a baby!)  Minutes saved from traffic will become hours and hours will become days!  This baby isn’t a time vortex anymore, he’s a time machine!

I finally understand why having kids is so rewarding.  Thank you, Tebow!  Hallelujah!

Gavin is the gift that keeps on giving…on the freeway!

Gavin – 5; Dad – 3

Related articles

• The Baby Mind Meld… (mevsgavin.com)

Yesterday morning, Gavin was cranky.  Not happy with the rigors of baby life, he wouldn’t stop fussing.  (You know those mornings, right?)  So, I decided to get him over to the babysitter’s early, so that she could deal with him spend more face time with him.  I grabbed everything I needed for his day (car seat, diaper bag, food, formula, toys, stroller) and everything I needed for mine (kit, backpack, laptop, phone, treatment table, travel bin, lunch, tea).  The truck was packed and ready to go.  The only forgotten item was my brain.  Leaving the house was a blur for me.  I could only remember bits of it.  There’s no other valid reason for this except the baby mind meld.  (Has he been watching Star Trek re-runs late at night?)  In that clever Spock-like maneuver, Gavin jostled my mental acuity and I drove away from the house with the garage door open.  A brief moment of clarity made me realize it once I got on the freeway.  I panic and turn around to race home.  All I’m visualizing is a group of neighbors standing in front of my garage, mouths agape, and the Hoarders TV crew filming their next episode.  Luckily, as I approached the house there was no one there.  (What? Am I not good enough for Hoarders?)  I close the garage and leave again…for the second time.

At this point, I’ve lost 30 minutes of my life (actually, I don’t want that 30 minutes back.  Keep it.)  I head back to my original destination, the babysitter’s house.  Of course, once I get there, the babysitter is not home.  Her husband tells me that she’s at my house waiting for me.  Brilliant.  I drive back home and drop Gavin off with the babysitter.  (I probably threw him at her, but he deserved it.)  I leave the house again…for the third time.

After all the morning fracas is sorted and I show up late to work, I conveniently lock myself out on the back patio…Argh!  Blast this mind meld trick!  It’s still working on my brain!

Young grasshopper, you have learned the art of confusing your adversary.  You win again.

Gavin = 5; Dylan = 2

Don't worry, it won't happen again. I'm wearing protection.

I know this is an odd place for this post, but hear me out. What I’m about to show you was once a tasty vegetable growing out of mother Earth. So, yes. It does belong here in the food category of my blog.

The veggie wedgie is probably the best baby poop ever to walk the earth. Or at least the best poop ever to be attached to your baby’s bum. It doesn’t stink obscenely, nor is it a mess to clean. It just peels right off and leaves practically no residue! Heck, sometimes you don’t even have to waste a wet wipe.  The baby’s wedgie is akin to that two-foot no-wipe chocolate cigar that you occasionally pinch off, pat yourself on the back for, want to show your friends, and say goodbye to before flushing down the toilet. (You know what I mean.) If Gavin was old enough to understand, he would be proud. But, since something this magnitude can always be appreciated by a friend or close relative, I’ll be proud for him…and I’ll take a photo to show him later.

The veggie wedgie can be made from many different types of vegetables. (Gavin’s lucky to have a mom that makes most of his food fresh every week.) The wedgie staring you in the face is one such food combination.  Well, it probably has a little yogurt and rice cereal sprinkled in there too.  The wedgie is pressure-formed and heat-shaped due to that very hairy crack that God placed at the top of our legs for us to scratch.  (No not that crack, the other one.)

Now, that I think about it, you are probably wondering why I’m so excited about this. Well, I’m an acupuncturist and I talk about poop with all my patients.  Proper digestive system function is extremely important for overall body health.  Poor gastrointestinal flora can lead to all sorts of systemic issues, most visibly skin problems.  So, to bring this blog out of the gutter I leave you with some basic info on baby poop (Aren’t you tired of seeing the word poop yet?)

• Baby poops while breastfeeding should not be terribly odoriferous.  They should also be liquid-like with possible small chunks.  They can also come in pastel colors.  If it’s red poop or blood-stained for more than one or two bowel movements, you should notify your pediatrician.  (But if you fed the baby beets a day or two before, it is likely his/her poops could be red.)
• If your baby is formula fed as an infant, his/her stools will be more stinky and more formed.
• In the early months, breastfed babies are typically leaner than formula fed babies.
• Generally, when baby starts staring at you eating food or trying to grab food from you, he/she is probably getting ready to start eating solid foods.  Gavin started eating solids at 6 months old.
• Solid foods usually bring solid poops.  Obviously, there is some transition for baby’s gastrointestinal system to prepare for digestion of solid foods.
• Make a habit of using your five senses to monitor your baby’s stools, and consequently his/her digestive health.  Well, maybe use only 4 out of the 5 senses.  You pick which 4.

Don't be afraid! It's only vegetables...sort of.

You figure it out...and yes that is leopard print carpet.

So, I don’t want us to get off on the wrong foot here. I mean, I’m a good dad. I’ve got a clean record with the police station. Sort of. It’s just that every now and then, I get distracted. (Once again Steph, you’re right…) I disappeared from the living room for a split second and I may have missed the youngest acrobatic trick ever performed. I’m perplexed and still wondering how it happened.

The Worm is only 9.35 months old. He just started crawling this past Christmas day as a gift to us! Yes, I know…so cute and adorable as long as you’ve got a leash securing him safely to a post. Managing Gavin used to be a piece of cake, you know. Just lay him down to drink his milk and I go play on the computer for 30 minutes. Of course, I would always keep my ears peeled for that air-sucking noise from the empty bottle and return to find all’s well and baby is satiated.

Ok, so knowing (or still believing) that the Worm can’t get off the couch, I follow my couch feeding routine. Stuff Gavin between couch cushions (every dad knows this trick) with a bottle and let him go to town. I leave towards the kitchen for literally 2 seconds (or a couple more, but hey, who’s counting?) and I hear a little THUD. I go back to the living room and see the Worm on all fours smiling up at me from the ground. The milk bottle is still on the couch nicely tucked between the cushions which previously held a little body.

Now, mind you…the kid can barely stand on his own two feet, let alone jump from the couch. He just started crawling a couple weeks ago! So, I had to exercise my brain a bit to figure this one out. Using my engineering mind, I realized that the spacing between the couch and the coffee table is about 18 inches. He obviously didn’t hit the coffee table on his way down. Also, there is enough altitude between the couch and the ground (about 20 inches) for Gavin to complete the 540 degree somersault necessary to stick the landing. As long as he tucked his limbs in properly. Which of course, he must have.

Bela Karolyi, if you’re reading this, I think we have found the next Paul Hamm.

Gavin – 2; Dad – 0