There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~Ben Williams

this week’s satire and silliness goes out to J, Rika, Svast, Monsieur Bear, Tiger Girly & Sooz for, well, totally being there this loooong week. You are teh awesome.

Men will always be mad, and those who think they can cure them are the maddest of all. ~Voltaire

So everyone seems to have a person in their life that constantly produces gem quotes. For me, it’s my 87 year old grandma. After spending most of the week with her this week, I could write a book. Here are some of the winners.

(walking into a casino, hearing the slots) “It’s like music to my ears!”

“When I was younger, I could finish a case of beer!”- “Grandma, what do you consider a ‘case’?” -”Well… a 12 pack split between me and Al, he drank most of them.”

“Are you dating Sarah? If you are, you should wear your glasses on a date. Then you look more sophisticated.”

“A bearded man just walked in… is that Santa Claus?!?”

“I’m always hot, I’m a hottie!”

“The only good thing about the good ol days was 10 cent beer”

(In reference to me and my cousin in our pjs) “I told Ed there were two scantily clad girls in my room, he may stop by”

(points to the embroidered butterfly logo on the bottom of my tank top) “That’s sexy!!”

(I burp, but hold it in, Grandma stops her walker, and stares up at the ceiling confused) “Are people moving chairs around upstairs??”

“OH! I have a candy bar in my pocket!”

“I hope your mom didn’t get hiney. That’s what I call the H1N1!”

“I keep my booze in the bathroom.”

(Scoots her seat up in my car, squishing herself with the seatbelt) “AHH I can’t breathe!!”

She also asked me about 5 times if I was dating. I failed to mention match.com. I’ve taken a week off and nothing life changing has happened yet, still waiting for someone who doesn’t make me cringe! Ok I know, I’m going to hell for saying that

Tineti minte bomboanele Kandia cu citate motivationale? well, am mai descoperit un model. “Sinceritate” ii spune (don’t ask why), si infatiseaza doua doamne care se plictisesc politicos la o ceasca de ceai.

Tagline: “Prietenii sunt acei oameni rari care te intreaba ce mai faci si apoi asteapta sa auda raspunsul” – Ed Cunningham (yeah. right.)

Mi se pare cadoul ideal pentru prietenii pe care ii detesti cu-adevarat, colegele de birou nefutabile ori matusile care insista sa te pupe apasat la Paste si la Craciun, intrebandu-te de ce nu te mai insori/mariti odata.

Hai, ca se apropie Mos Nicolae.

Coffee isn’t my cup of tea.
- Samuel Goldwyn

Love is a serious mental disease.
- Plato

When all else fails, stop using “all else”.
- Anonymous

When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
- Irwin Corey

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
- Gracie Allen

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
- Jim Davis

Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
- Anonymous

Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
- H. L. Mencken

Attack life, it’s going to kill you anyway.
- Steven Coallier

A line is a dot that went for a walk.
- Paul Klee

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
- Tracey Ullman

A dream catcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
- Demetri Martin

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
- Demetri Martin

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
- Henny Youngman

Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.
- Anonymous

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
- Winston Churchill

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
- Marilyn Vos Savant

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
- E. Joseph Cossman

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.
- Anonymous

Now, just like most gals out there… I like to mix it up every now and then.  Different positions, different locations, games and maybe a bit of role playing.  But the fist and too many people in the bedroom is where I draw the line.

” Yeowsers… he fisted that one.” 

” We’ve got 5 on 3 action for 2 minutes.”

“He scored with a 2 man advantage.”

“He taps it in deep.”

“Keep your stick down and stick on stick, and you might hit it.”

“Oh he almost poked it in.”

“He sends it in deep.”

“He goes in behind hard.”

“The longer he lasts the more they like him.”

“They’ve got strength in the back end.”

“Watch the curl and drag.  Boom he changes the angle and SURPRISE.”

I wonder if this last one is anything like the Seinfeld swirl???

“It’s hard to argue against cynics – they always sound smarter than optimists because they have so much evidence on their side.”

Molly Ivins

Thanks, Vani.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them
while driving.

There is only one perfect wife in the world and every
neighbour has it.

“Guys love it when you can show them you’re better than they are at something they love.” -Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation

Babies provide a great deal of comic relief. Try not to laugh when you watch the little guy in this short video.

While watching the Sharks V. Hawks game (which btw had a spectacular come from behind finish!)… there were a couple of dousies.

“One timer set up for him and he got good wood on it.” – I think they call that a one and done.

Then, referencing Brian Campbell…”his friends call him Soupie” 

REALLY???  That’s all they got?  A reference to Campbell’s Soup?  Come on, I know you hockey guys aren’t bright… but COME ON!

HAd i been blessed with 2 (.) (.) and a (  ) i wud have brought whole world to my knees

IRony>>today’s human is being inhuman”

engg was a one night stand for me where coffees n n=maggi was an aphrodisiac n 40 marks were d orgasm(biblical resoannce)

there is a fine line bw being wrong and visionary n u have to b visionary to knw dah u r wrong

Patrick on his favorite thing about the baby

“He farts every time I change his diaper…  …  he’s just like his dad”

how much do i love my life? sooooo much!

What are some of the funny things you read on Facebook? Some days I have tears running down my face because I am laughing so hard at the status updates I read.  I thought it would be fun to share some of the things I read and cheer up someone else’s day.  OK, the names have been withheld to protect the innocent, but nonetheless these are hilarious.

I hope you enjoy them as much as I did:

Sooo my handy man was watching the Alabama vs. LSU on Saturday. I watched with him for a bit. Alabama had the ball….. 4 of the yellow guys (LSU) held hands and headed down the field. I didn’t know they did that in football. How sweet!

We come into this world GUILT-free. SUGAR-free. CAFFEINE-free. I’d like to start over..

advice: Do NOT google “boy fairies” there are some real weirdos out there. Just still trying to figure out my sons Tooth Fairy costume. He wants tights and wings but no skirt or shorts…..

think my second favorite household chore is the laundry, that is, if the first is hitting my head against the wall until I faint.

My husband really gave me a hard time for asking him to “whip me up a caucasian to help me feel better” caucasian, concoction.. whatever!!

pet peeve: husband channel surfing, stops on a movie we own but watches it mid way and with all the commercials.

We had some antelope for dinner last night. That’s a first for me. Loved it!

kids and them not liking what you make for dinner. Definitely makes for an interesting night. One bite and that was it, but tears, tantrum and screams because of a tostada. Reply: Tell your husband if he’s going to pitch a fit then he’ll just have to go to bed hungry.

I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

So today I looked around, most the boys were kissing their girlfriends at the door of class and the rest I noticed had on wedding rings, did all this happen over the weekend?

HOLY @$&%! I have a black cat living in my house at night. IT just scared the crap out me!  later update: lol no it’s the neighbors cat! …apparently she likes my Doggy door!

showing up to work on time is like showing up to a party right as it starts: LAME. – Showing up 15 minutes late lets others know you have a life AND lets you make a great entrance all at the same time….Lets hope my new boss agrees

just challenged our 6-year-old to eat ice cream with ketchup for a Hot Wheels car. He scarfed it down.

sittin in a tree stand :] posted: via Mobile Web

There were too many funny status updates. I could have gone on and on. This should cheer you up for today though. Are there any funny posts that you have read? Please share them with me in comments.

The Tyrant: “Meow.”

The Mother Hen: “Stop it.”

The Tyrant: “Meow.”

The Mother Hen: “Stop it!”

The Show: “Stop!”

The Tyrant: “Meow.”

The Mother Hen: “You know, if you are kitty we will have to get rid of you.  [WickedStepMom] is allergic to cats.”

The Tyrant: “Shows what you know!  I am a robot kitty!  Meow.”

The Show and The Mother Hen: [eye roll]

The Tyrant: “Meow.”

The Mother Hen: “Stop it.”

The Tyrant: “Meow.”

The Mother Hen: “Stop it!”

The Show: “Stop!”

The Tyrant: “Meow….”

The Mother Hen: “Dad, make her stop!  She is giving me a migraine!!”

The Tyrant: “Meow…”

The Mother Hen: “DADDDDD!!!!!”

The Tyrant: “Meow.”

***

Bear wanted me to share this little tibit  with you…   in our home no one EVER gets those pedestrian “headaches”, we graduate straight to the level of “migraine.”

It’s Tuesday…  Things have been way too exciting around here.  Go see Keely for less craziness and no dental horror stories.

* I got a text on Sunday from my mom.  My brother is in the hospital.  ICU to be exact.  He has his wisdom teeth extracted about 4 days ago and now has a massive infection that was causing his airway to be closed off.  The intubated him and sent him for emergency surgery to put some drainage tubes into his mouth and neck.  When I went to see him yesterday, I told him that if he wanted to beat Bear at anything, he should have challenged him to ping-pong…

* The Tyrant won the funniest costume contest at a party over the weekend.  She was “Double Trouble”, half angel and half devil.  She didn’t understand why the adults thought it was funny.  I told her that I would remind her of this when she is a mom and then she would understand. 

* Speaking of The Tyrant…  She fell on Halloween.  Hard.  Really Hard.  And scraped knees up really badly.  She wanted to keep Trick-or-Treating.  So, we did.  She was bleeding and she thought it would make her costume look better.  Later, her tights got stuck to her leg because the blood had dried.  Bear and I soaked her leg but ended up having to pull a little bit off.  I asked him to hold her still and I pulled.  She screamed “Ow!!  You jerks!  You could have warned me!” 

* Bear, my Mom and I all helped the girls with their costumes.  Mom teased hair and put leaves in to make the two zombies look like they had crawled out of the ground.  I did make up to make them look dead.  Bear took care of Double Trouble’s make up.  My Dad laughed and took pictures!

You and Me Freinds,…

You smile ,i smile…

You Hurt,i hurt..

You cry,i cry..

You jump off Bridge

I gonna Miss your e-mails.

Speaking at the University of Tennessee, the former Bush Attorney General and current University of Texas Poli Sci Professor, said the following while defending activities in the War on Terror:

“President Wilson and Roosevelt engaged in massive collections of electronic communications during the first and second world war. The collection performed by President Bush was much more narrow.”

Remember how big a part electronic communications played in the First World War? Does this reflect on the intellectual integrity of the U. of Texas? Well, approximately 45 Texas Tech faculty members have signed onto a petition calling Gonzales’ hiring “objectionable.”

All my life i wanted to be Someone. I guess i should have been more specific

The Golden Rule:
He Who Has The Gold Makes The Rules

I always Arrive Late At the office.
But i make up for it by leaving Early

If You Are A vegetarian.
Just be nice to animals
Why are you eating their Food???

Why Does Life Keep Teaching Me Lessons.
I have no desire to learn.

Good things may come to those who wait,
But All The Really Excellent Stuff Will Be Gone by Then

Some gems from email, facebook and some of my favorite websites that I came across this week.

“I can’t imagine what he could do that could be so scandalous. Unless he was like, nude with a snake or something.”

- RetroVixen’s Mom on Adam Lambert

“You never know about those glam rockers…..”

- swampmusic on Adam Lambert nude with a snake

At some point during this photo shoot he was nude

“The Cold Truth: It’s a numbers game, and if you date enough, one of them is going to work.”

- Ayn Rant on Online Dating

“Do you have to wear a paper bag over your head when you masturbate?”

- Ayn’s hubby to some unfortunate dude.

“Can I call him Chief Anti-Masturbation Agent next?”

- Nibby’s special request of Ayn’s husband

“That was the worst part of being single: married people giving you advice on how to be as miserable as they were.”

- Ayn

“Ernest Hemingway is a guy that was so manly you grow a beard just reading his name.”

- Cracked.com

Photo source: Warming Glow

“I want to break his shades, shit on the pieces and then launch them into outer space. I am only reacting the way David Caruso would to David Caruso.”

- Nibby

“OMG. WHO CHASES TORNADOES ON A BIKE?”

- swampmusic on Balloon Boy’s Dad’s odd hobbies

“I think the ugly-photo guy is actually cuter in the face than [the other] dude, or would be if he’d shave his head and get in shape. Either way — dinner’s on them.”

- Ayn Rant on Nibby’s dating options.

“Jay Leno’s show is a sign that NBC has quit the gym, stopped shaving her legs, bought elastic-waisted pants, and let herself go.”

- Nibby

“LOOK AT IT. IT’S LIKE ITS OWN ENTITY.”

- swampmusic on Freddie Mercury’s pornstache.

Prince of the Pornstache Universe

Always forgive your enemies – Nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don’t have film.

You know the speed of light, so what’s the speed of dark?

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won’t expect it back.

I like work.  It fascinates me.  I  sit and look at it for hours.

If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I’ll take my backwards letters on a Toys’R'Us sign thank-you very much!

Right-wing CIA man Stan Smith, from the animated series American Dad, when he sees a Russian poster up in his son’s room.

He then sees a poster of Che Guevara…

At least we can agree on one thing… planet of the apes was a fine movie!