Fifty-five Year Old Cartoonist & Internet Entrepreneur Named 2^nd Top Twitterer In The World

Rick London of Hot Springs, Ar. was named today the 2^nd top Twitterer in the world by

Teqnolog the only statistics service that monitors the social networking industry.

http://teqnolog.wordpress.com/2009/12/24/the-worlds-top-tweeters-might-surprise-you/

London, who founded Londons Times Cartoons www.LondonsTimes.us and its

peripheral funny gift shops with over 80,000 cartoon gifts. London also created the world’s

only famous love quote shoes (ShoesThatAmuse.com) which he designs in conjunction with

U.S. Keds on ladies champion Keds shoes.

A sample Londons Times Cartoon "Salad Bar Exam"

London, 55, was born in Hattiesburg, MS and is now a resident of Hot Springs, Ar where

he enjoys mountain climbing, fishing, hiking, and just about anything outdoors or that has to

do with nature. He supports numerous animal and environmental causes. His cartoon has

been the number one ranked offbeat cartoon (by Google and MSN) since 2005.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Rick London is the founder of Google’s number 1 ranked offbeat cartoon, Londons Times. He also founded the world’s only famous love quote shoes ShoesThatAmuse.com. He has over 80,000 cartoon gifts and collecitbles in his funny gift stores such as Rick London Collection and his mega funny gift shops LTSuperstore.

Yes, I know it’s not even the new year, but I tried. I really did. Nothing came! Those dot points are just too hard to fill. (I even asked George, my fish-whisperer friend. Totally useless as usual – he just ended up with a migraine.)

So reluctantly and on the advice of my vet, who saw the adverse effect the campaign was having on my health, I have decided to terminate the International Year of Niceness to Humans.

But being a fish who hates to waste things, I’ve also decided to put one dot point on sale – just in case you humans can think of something nice to say about yourselves. So here it is – one dot point.

All offers considered.

i’m listening to… the best of duran duran, motherfucker!

random crap today. posted up redefine’s 46 fantastic album covers from 2009 article today, and now i’m wondering, is 46 too many? well, whatever.

either way.

after posting up that article i tried to go to the sprint store to buy a fucking lg phone car charger but sprint didn’t have any! at least not sprint in pleasanton! what the shit! that’s messed!

so i headed over to san francisco, sparingly using my telephone so i’d still have battery life by the time i got there. met up with fontaine and allen. we went to watch the new “sherlock holmes” movie! i thought it was pretty good. at some points i was like, bah, this is too long, but for the most part it was good, and there were some fucking hilarious laugh-out-loud moments, but totally in a really ummmmm smart (british!) way. i swear, brits are better than us. i’ve said it many times. i’ll say it again!

anyway.

after that, we went to japantown to eat at on the bridge. it was pretty good… really had my eyes set on some gratin but they were all sold out of it, so i got some wicked delicious-looking pesto udon! so good! kinda salty, though.

after that, i headed over to kevin’s house and we went out to north beach for his friend’s birthday pub crawl thing. it was fun. met a lot of really nice people and had some interesting convos for sure. some talk about dildos and jokes about calling them devastators. haha? and some talk about random people’s occupations… lot of interesting occupations in there… and religion, because one guy had a buncha religious tracts that were super funny, with one of them featuring one guy saying to another guy, “you’re no longer a LOSER! you’re a WINNER!” after he had found god… and evidently everyone there was pretty much a godless heathen. oh, and there was a filmmaker at the table next to us being awkwardly (kinda) interviewed… and what else. crap. oh. tried curry fries?? interesting. apparently it’s a popular irish thing.

fun stuff… the birthday boy told a story about when he thought he killed someone. when he was 21 and temporarily going to school in olympia, washington, hanging out with two roommates for new year’s eve, each with an entire fifth of bourbon in their hands, some random guy came into their house holding a giant bag of shrooms… and that at that point in time he really was into fighting people and the guy who had the shrooms (after they’d all eaten a bunch “like potato chips”) started quoting “fight club”. hence, birthday boy’s like, “let’s fight!” and the shrooms guy was into it, so they fought… and birthday boy was super jazzed about it and kept trying to get his roommates into it but they weren’t having it cause they were trippin so he’d try and punch them in the face to show them that it was fun, and they jumped out the first floor window and left hahaha. then two hours later the roommates came back and the two others were still fighting, so they left again (and proceeded to drive around at 90mph, when one of the guys was like, “this is just like being in malaysia!” and they were driving on the wrong side of the road). when the roommates came back, apparently shrooms guy was on the floor with half his face bloody and was unconscious… and birthday boy had been running around the house with his hands up in the air cheering and basically deeming himself “the man”… and the roommates were like, “dude, we think you killed him,” and the birthday boy’s celebration turned to bummed outness. naturally. at this point in the story, some new guests came in and he never finished his story, but i guess at some point they realized that he wasn’t dead? the end? maybe?

anyway other stories about a guy having to escape ukraine because his family was rich and chased after by the mob. more stories about the guy going to cougar bars and being told by a cougar who was there (and good-looking, apparently, thanks to plastic surgery) something along the lines of, “do you see this face? this face is worth thousands of dollars.” hahahaha. awesome.

funny story of my own… as i was gettin ready to leave the second place we went to, which was a place called the bubble lounge (think i’ve been there before, strangely, but i don’t know for sure… the basement with its brick-tiled walls just seemed REALLY familiar), i went to the bathroom and had washed my hands. i don’t usually dry my hands, so i was running back up the stairs to leave and this convo took place.

(followed by other lame dialogue of him trying to convince me to stay and go to the bar with him even though i said i didn’t drink, and he said, “me neither! i just am going to get some water!” which i think was a filthy ass lie.)

going out in sf is fun. good times!

(only bad part is that this is the ONE night i coulda stayed out til whenever cause my parents didn’t come home tonight!!!! unfortunate, because i came back at 2:30. oh well. the last stop was at a club anyway and i can’t say i really cared all that much to be there.)

Just to get you in the mood - here is a picture of the Sydney Harbour Bridge taken by George, my human fish-whisperer companion, of a past New Year's Eve. Judging by its blurry quality George wasn't drinking water that night.

As the new year approaches I, Wise Colin – as you know – have made a firm resolution to be nicer to humans.

Regarding this resolution, however, I have some good news and some bad news.

Which do you want first?

OK, the good news – my plan for an International Year of Niceness to Humans is going ahead.

Now for the bad news – I’ve decided to revise my plans.

Yes, as much as I hate to admit defeat, it seems I may have been over-ambitious in my desire to promote human well-being.

So what changes have been made to my plan?

After agonising over the matter, I have decided to reduce the number of dot points I have dedicated to this important event from ten to five.

This decision was not taken lightly, but the stress I have been under to come up with ten nice things to say about your species has proved too much. (I was breaking out in a nasty scale rash.)

So here they are, five dot points. I’m confident now I will be able to fill them out with glowing statements about the positive virtues of your species.

Don’t worry, folks – Wise Colin is determined. This is one new year resolution I intend to keep.

I have a confession readers.. Perhaps one in the same realm of dating but slightly off beat. I have a secret love of reading missed connection blogs, and not just in the “ohh that neat” kind of way.. in the.. I have an application on my iPhone so i can keep up to date with the latest craiglist posts.  What are missed connections you ask.. well let me share with you a guilty pleasure of mine

http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/mis/

Basically.. this is a site, like many others, where anyone can post a comment/entry regarding a potential “missed connection” they may have had with someone on the street. Basically this is a site where creepy stalkers meet and I fucking love it! Mainly because on top of the normal… “you were my starbucks barista and we had a moment” blogs… there are really creepy ones that just turn my crank.. Let me share one with you?

Title: Business Guy at Wellesley Subway Stop (m4m)

Posting:

Me…Wearing gym gear walking east on wellesley, you.. wearing a business suit and gear walking into the wellesley stop.. you went southbound.. How did i know this? I followed you… I went on the northbound track and gave you the thumbs up!

Hey if you read this… send me a msg… tell me what i was wearing..

…I will give you a second to process that… yes dear readers this post translates too.. Hey im a stalker and i want to rape you.. tell me if you noticed me….

And the sad part is.. I want to know where my posting is?? Where is my missed connection! Im somewhat attractive, i dress well, i like to think my body is like wohh.. but yet.. still none even remotely close to resembling me… but i don’t fret… I have a plan… Call it a social experiment. In the new year.. i will plant a missed connection and see if I too can have a posting written about me!! Will it work? Time will tell.. and trust me.. you will find out.

So readers… if you ever feel like maybe you are like me and you think “how can anybody be this single” I want you to go onto craigslist.. read a missed connection.. pour a glass of wine from the box you purchased from the VQA and rejoyce that its not you posting that connection.. and if it is you posting… well.. perhaps one should explore new venues..

Until next time..

-xXx

WOW.. Today I almost got bitten by a big snake in the desert. It ended up on the BBQ.

dsvasdgvasgvasg

avg

adgdgjvdlfgldnglfk

“A man could kill and still be the sweetest thing.”

Despite the insensitivity, they make us happy. I am looking forward to 2010 for a reason.

Happy Holidays everyone

Wise Colin rebuffs yet another barbarian assault on Western Civilisation.

Alistair, the world's most intelligent goldfish, attempts to wish Wise Colin a merry Xmas.

The holidays are here and that means it’s time to hang out with those people you try to avoid most of the year, your family. Here are some conversations to avoid when spending the holidays with family.

1. Why did you have me? Probably not the best question to ask your parents when  you’re four glasses of wine or Hennessy in. And really, you already know the answer to this question. They were black out drunk and didn’t use protection and/or your mom was on birth control pills, but those pesky antibiotics she was taking after having dental work done counteracted their effects.

2. Christmas is not a good time to look at that uncle you despise and say: “I wish you would go into cardiac arrest.” Wait till after the new year to express your true want for him to expire.

3. Don’t look at your kids and say, “Damn! All I ever wanted was cats and then you two came along.”

4. Don’t challenge the religious beliefs of family members. For example, now is not a good time to ask your mormon brother-in-law, “Will your after-life planet be filled with assholes like you?”

5. Christmas is also not a good time to tell your cousin that you find their golden lab “rather attractive.”

6. Even though it may have been bothering you for years, I would hold off on asking your parents how they stay married despite your dad’s love of wearing women’s underwear and braziers.

7. Don’t tell your husband, “I’m leaving you to be with your sister.” This is best saved for Valentine’s Day.

8. Try not to greet your cousin at the door with, “Hey. You still got those genital warts?”

9. Don’t use Christmas dinner as a time to auction off your kids to the highest bidder. “So…how much would you give me for Skyler? I’d take $200 bucks. There’s this really cute sweater at Nordstrom’s that I’ve been eyeing.”

10. Don’t ask your grandmother, “Where do you keep your paint thinner? I’m mixing up an awesome batch of meth in your tub.”

11. Christmas is not the time to ask your family, “So how do you feel about murder? Would you judge someone killed…let’s just say his wife?”

12. The holidays are not the best time to admit to pimping out your grandfather to pay for a PS3.

13. Please don’t try to have a heart to heart with your sister about how she needs to apply for the Biggest Loser. How is she supposed to enjoy her eggnog, cheesy mashed potatoes and french silk pie after that?

14. Don’t ask your family members personal questions such as:

• How many overdrafts have you had this year?
• Do you really think we like you?
• Why didn’t you finish junior high?
• How long are you planning on hiding your teen pregnancy? Teen pregnancy is a serious issue. I know you may be confused since Juno made it look so damn cool.
• Would you be mad if I put your dog down?
• Do you want to make-out? (wait till your birthday when they are expected to give you what you want).
• Would you vote for Sarah Palin? Now is not the time to point out their idiocy.
• Can you read this to me? You know most of them can’t read.
• When are you two getting divorced? We all can see it coming.
• Why didn’t you invite your mistresses?
• Can you borrow me a little cash? I got to make a run down to Planned Parenthood.

I got my husband a unique gift this year. A jalapeno burger from Carl’s Junior. Seriously, when I gave it to him he had the most grateful look in his eye, like “How did you know this is exactly what I wanted?” and then he gave me a greasy little kiss.

photo from CJ’s website.

Last year we got each other gifts with one rule: everything had to be from the dollar store. I got several pairs of earrings, some make up and a really fun belt. I got mi amo a manicure set, some penguin oven mitts (adorable) along with a spatula and an apron for the kitchen. They definitely have more stuff for ladies than guys there. It was fun and we got to open lots of presents under our painted tree. We should have put more effort in this year, but we just don’t feel like putting up all the decorations just to take them down again. Next year we will do it right, or just go to Vegas. Whatev.

Below is a very eye-opening and amusing story I came across recently about the possibility of Santa and his faithful helpers making their annual pilgrimage around the world later this week. I’d like to share this with all of you readers out there for your enjoyment. I’m sure this has circulated around cyberspace already a few times… as I claim no responsibility for the writing of this article.

Prepare yourselves for some amazing as well as intriguing revelations and enjoy this particular account of the possibilities…..

Amusing Statistics About Santa & His Flying Reindeer

There are no known species of reindeer that are able to fly. However, there are roughly 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified. While most of these are insects and germs, this does not necessarily rule out flying reindeer – Though Santa and my uncle Ralph (back in his drinking days) are the only people who have ever reported seeing any.

There are two billion children (small people under the age of 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn’t (appear to) handle most non-Christian children (including Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim, agnostic, etc.) that reduces the workload to about 15 per cent of the total (roughly 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau). At a rate of, say 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good kid in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical and makes the most sense).  That’s 822.6 visits per second. For each eligible household, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, put presents under the tree, eat any snacks, kiss mommy (when available), zoom back up the chimney, hop into the sleigh and move on.

Assuming each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth, (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purpose for our calculations), we’re now talking about 0.78 miles per household – a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to let Santa and the reindeer do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours.

This means that Santa’s sleigh moves at 650 miles per second, or 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles a second. A conventional reindeer, by the way, can run 15 miles per hour – tops – or 0.004 miles per second.

Now the payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child gets nothing more that a medium-sized Lego set (about two pounds each), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, and that’s not counting chubby Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting flying reindeer could pull 10 times the normal amount, Santa would need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload (not counting the sleigh) to 353,430 tons, or four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth II (the ship, not the monarch).

Now 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles a second creates enormous air resistance, which would heat the reindeer to incandescence in the same fashion as spacecraft or meteors entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy – Per second -  Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms. The entire team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500.06 gravities. A 250-pound Santa (a wee bit of an underestimate) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, in conclusion….. “If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.”

Oh….. And by the way….. Merry Christmas!

While talking with a co-worker today, I realized this might make a fun blog post for the Christmas Season. Please share your funny stories in the comments section for others to enjoy as well. I am hoping for some really good laughs!

Oh those memories of Christmas past!

Two of the funniest memories occurred when my sons were still very young. The first memory was of some very restless children on Christmas Eve. I thought they would never go to sleep, and Ole St. Nick was sure exhausted that night. Santa decided she would lay down for a short time hoping the boys in the bedroom next door would take the hint and start counting those sheep.

Mom sprung out of bed about 5:30 am the next morning, only to realize she had fallen asleep and was not there to help Santa put those presents under the Christmas tree.

Santa had never moved so fast. She ran to the living room, and started decking the tree as fast as she could. No time for assembling the toys this time. Mom and Santa must get those gifts under the tree and crawl back into her bed before those two curious little boys woke from their long winter’s nap.

Thank goodness all was well. Mom had hardly gotten back into the bed when the two little curious boys woke from that long winter’s nap. Pretty soon we were all in the living room admiring what Santa brought — but one of the curious boys kept wondering one particular thing. “Santa  always puts together our toys. Why didn’t he do it this year?” I explained to Tommy Santa was very, very busy, and this was Mom’s task this year.

Yes, this was the night Santa Claus almost did not make it for sure. Tomorrow I will share the other story as well. Now please share your funny stories too — or be Ebenezer Scrooge!