The other day as our family was preparing to leave somewhere, our doorbell rings. I am in my bedroom scrambling to beat four kids to the door, but I was too late.

My oldest son, who is a major time keeper, had answered. When I arrived on the scene I watched about five people walking away as my son was closing the door. ” What? Who was that kiddo?” I ask him. My son replies, ” oh they wanted to sing christmas songs to us.” My face just stares at him a sec, and I ask, ” What did you tell them?” He replies, ” I told them no thank you,” Laughing out loud, I couldn’t believe he turned them away. So I asked why and he told me,” I thought we needed to hurry and go.” Hahaha, the epitome of being timely,…

• Leaves the table during dinner with friends, heads upstairs to their daughters’ bedrooms to play with their toys–and returns with her pants gone, her diaper removed, and a pair of someone else’s underwear on backwards?

• Picks her nose in her sleep while we drive home from a visit?

• Finds a torn-out page of a book with a photo of an elephant on it, determines the elephant is crying and hugs the single page to her chest to soothe it?

• Hurries to the full-length mirror in Mama and Papa’s bedroom to watch the tears in her own eyes when she’s crying?

• Takes all her Cabbage Patch dolls upstairs to her bedroom and proceeds to chastise them for not staying in bed, threatening to close the door?

• Sings every song she knows, or makes up, to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star?

• Recognizes McDonald’s Golden Arches from great distances and inquires about getting some french fries?

• Grabs the phone and tries to order a pink pizza from Oma and/or Opa?

• Asks if Papa is tired whenever we pass a Starbucks?

Nicholas is a “clothing optional” type of child. He will, whenever possible strip down to his birthday suit and parade around, not caring who can see him. We are trying to teach him that when we are out somewhere, or have guests over, it is not acceptable to be nude, he must wear clothes. We are meeting moderate success with implementing this rule.

Last week our neighbour popped over for a visit. Nicholas was upstairs naked as usual. Torn between knowing he needed to cover up and not wanting to take the time to grab some pants, he came up with a clever time saving solution: he quickly slipped into a pillowcase. Yes, you read that right, a pillowcase! He came sliding downstairs with a big goofy grin on his face! Problem was whenever he let go of the pillowcase it fell to the floor, leaving him exposed.

While I definitely give him credit for creativity, I had to add yet another rule to his growing list: pillowcases are not clothes and may not be substituted for pants (that is until he masters the belt!) But that is a post for another day!

So, basically, I was baby sitting my two nieces the other night. Ones 6, the other is 4. Both girls.

I love my nieces, I do…. but sometimes I wonder if they weren’t made as some genetic joke to see just how much sh*t one person can put up with!

They. Are. Terrors.

To make it worse, the older one is a smart little cookie, and she plays me better than anyone!

They’d both been acting up, running round screaming one minute, then they’d be begging for me to give them something to do because they’re bored the next.

As usual, the peace and tranquility of colouring in lasts all of…. 5 minutes, and before long, they’re squabbling over the blue pen, the green pen… “that’s MY pen!”, “So! I want to use it!”. “But you can’t, because it’s MY PEN“.

So I sent the older one to her room. And she stomped off like some baby elephant, slammed her door and I could hear things being thrashed about and knocked over. I run up stairs and secretly peer through the keyhole (there’s no actual lock on the door!), watching her throw her tantrum.

Then all of a sudden, something occurs to her and she’s no longer throwing stuff about, but actually quite serene. She moves out of sight for a while and about 2 minutes later she opens the door with a face like she’s the Queen of bloody Sheba, and rather coolly presents me with a piece of paper.

I open it and read it. I almost burst into tears. What makes it worse, is the little swine has spelt everything right, so I can’t even have a little chuckle to myself. She turns around, and quietly closes her door, leaving me stood there holding this note:

“Aunty Donna,

I don’t like you very much right now.  I think that you are really, really, really STUPID.

Love Kelly.”

Kids, eh.

Well this is my first post in a while so I think I will start it off on a lighter note.  I want everyone to start off with a smile today.  There is a lot of things going on in my life right now that I need to get out and will write about later, but they are sad and happy both at the same time.  Since I am in a little bit of a down mood today I will continue with the happiness that is the latest adventure of Tooters. 

 We have had a rush of new families move into the neighborhood lately and with them came the little bratty boys up the road.  They have been teaching the little girls all kinds of inappropriate vocabulary, which I am just thrilled about……NOT!!!!!  I seem to be doing a lot of explaining about things that no 7 year old should be asking about.  Plus with them being a little bit older they are trying to play the whole girlfriend/boyfriend drama crap with the girl next door that is a little older than Tooters.  Now my daughter wants nothing to do with that game.  She says that boys are ok as friends but as boyfriends they are just trouble.  I am so proud!! 

 So here is what happened.  Last Friday my new boyfriend and I (yippy I have a great guy finally) were sitting on the couch watching TV waiting on Tooters to get home from the school just enjoying the quiet.  She came barreling through the door all excited to tell me what happened on the bus.  I got her to sit down and breathe a little bit then let her go on with her story.

 Apparently one of the little bratty boys that rides the bus with her decided to push her out of the way and steal her seat.  Well this did not go over well with my daughter.  She told me that I should be proud of her because she did not hit him for it.  So far this is going good, especially with her track record of getting into one or two fights with the boys every year.  Honestly I was not ready for it this soon into the school year.  But she did inform me that she stood up for herself and this is what she told the brat.

 “Look here you little whore you better get out of my seat right now!”

 As soon as the words left her mouth my jaw dropped and my elbow went into my boyfriends ribs because he was laughing behind his hand.  Holy crap I was speechless for a minute and Tooters sat there waiting for my reply all proud of herself.  You could actually see her chest all puffed out.  I collected myself and asked her where she heard that from.  She said that the brat that is her friends “boyfriend” calls her that all the time.  I asked her if she knows what it means and she said of course she does it means a big dork. 

I carefully explained to her what it really meant and why we do not call people whores.  This was so hard to do since she is sitting there all innocent, I am dying to laugh and my boyfriend is giggling.  It took a little bit but we got it all discussed and I told her since she did not really know what it meant at the time she was not in trouble, but I better never catch her calling people that again.  I sent her off to change out of her school clothes and the second she left the room this is what my BF had to say,

“OMG she is so your daughter!”

 Now what was that suppose to mean?  I am sweet, innocent, sugar and spice, well at least that is what I keep telling people.  For some reason they always laugh at me when I say it.  Anyways I keep picturing my dainty daughter on the bus with the word whore coming out of her mouth at the little boy and it does make me smile.  Then it hits me, if she is like this now what is she going to be like as a teenager.  Holy hell am I in for some rocky interesting years ahead of me!! 

I am seriously considering selling her early if this is a slight glimpse of what is coming my way.  Any takers?  She can be returned at the age of 18, I promise I will let her back in the house at the time.  Anyone out there that has advise for me to help keep me out of the loony bin it would be greatly appreciated lol. 

I’d Love to, but…
One summer evening, when my brother was about four, a neighbor friend of his came over to play in the yard. The two seemed to be having a good time, but it was soon time for bed and the boy’s dad came to pick him up. “It looks like you two certainly had fun this evening,” my mother observed, “Do you think you’d want to come over again tomorrow and play, Nathan?” He thought for a moment and then shook his head mournfully, “No, I’m planning on running a fever.”

Fish, Mommy?
That same summer my sister was almost two. We were planning on getting some pet fish so my mother and I were in the basement setting up the filtering system and rocks in our tank. My sister watched curiously and asked what we were doing. My mother explained that we were setting up a home for our new fish. My sister’s eyes lit up with revelation and turning, she toddled upstairs to the kitchen. Soon she returned holding our dinner leftovers, wrapped in tin foil–two fillets of orange roughy, “Fish, mommy?”

I think that today I am going to give a bright shiny example of what we say really does sink into our kid’s brains sometimes.  I think that no matter how much they fight us on some of the things that we want them to do, it is just unavoidable that they do end up picking up on it.  

First off I just want to say that no one was hurt in the course of what happened.  I apologize in advance to my mother “The Worry Wart” but I warned her that this story might end up on my blog.  Now, what everyone reading this has to understand is that my mother is very short.  I am not talking just a little petite, but short.  She comes in around 4’ 9” and tries to fool people into believing she is 5 foot even.  I believe our friends are very kind by not saying anything to break that bubble.

Anyways the other night my mother calls me at home, she works nights so it is like her morning, sniffling a little bit into the phone asking how my day was.  This is always a huge waving red flag that something happened to her during the day and she is looking for sympathy from me.  However, what usually happens is I end up laughing at what she has done until she hangs up on me.  It is not that I am a mean daughter or that I cannot give comfort where it is deserved.  It is just when she does something it is later on when she tells me, no one was hurt and it ends up being one of those things you have to laugh at like someone stubbing their toe in a parking lot in front of you. 

SM : “Ok mom what happened I can hear it in your voice?”

WW: “Well something happened today while I was trying to sleep for work.  Now don’t worry I am not hurt but I had an incident involving the new bed.”

Now there is nothing about this that sounds very normal to me.  In fact I am tempted to grab a notebook to take notes for later because this is going to be promising.  This is because my mom has done nothing but complain since she got her new bed, so let me just back up for just a second to explain so we are all on the same page.

 For 30ish some odd years my parents have slept in a waterbed that sat on a frame that was two drawers high.  Add that to the tall sideboards, padded rails, and the actual waterbed mattress it ended up being up to my little mothers’ upper stomach.  It was hilarious to watch her get into it.  She did this little half roll thing to get in and out of it with a little hop to get up high enough to land in the bed.  Finally one day my parents decided that they were going to get with the times and get a normal bed.  I thought my mom was going to have a party because she would not have to hop/roll into the bed ever again. 

At last the new bed was delivered and I raced over to look at it.  I literally thought my mom was going to burst into tears for the first month they owned it and you mentioned bedtime.  I walked into the bedroom and instantly started to laugh.  It had the same type of bed stand with the drawers, a very large box spring and the mattress itself is 20 inches thick.  I offered my mom the use of my stepladder and she kicked me out of the house. 

So on with our story:

SM: “Mom what happened with the bed now?”

WW:  “Well I got up to go to the bathroom today like normal and I actually fell out of the bed.”

Now this is where I start giggling because I know my mom so well that this is not the end of the story.  Any other normal person this would have been it, but oh no not in my family there is always more to it.

WW: “Sunnymom just shut up and listen to me this was a traumatic thing that happened to me.”

I sniffed, took a long deep breath, gave up and just put my hand over the phone after telling my mom to continue.

WW: “You know that padded foot stool by the bed that Sugarbooger uses to get up into the bed?”

I think she could hear me just nodding because she did not even wait for a real response just a simple little squeak came out of me. 

WW: “When I fell out of the bed I bounced my head off of the stool and it threw me into the wall.  I hit my elbow on the closet and I am bruised. **sniff sniff**”

OMG the hand was off of the phone and I was in full on laugh mode.  Don’t tell me you expect me to be able to respond at that point.  I just keep seeing this cartoon version of my mom rolling and bouncing off the side of the bed after what is a long drop for my tiny mommy. 

WW: “You know I was just looking for some sympathy and it does not like I am going to get it from you!  Your father did not give any either he just asked if it I wanted to switch sides.  Where is my granddaughter?!?!”

All I could do was laugh some more with the idea of my dad just calling out to her and not even moving out of the bed.  (He works nights too so they are on the same sleep schedule.)  Finally I told her maybe she would get the sympathy from Tooters’ instead, so I took the phone into the bedroom since she was in bed for the night.  I was laughing so hard I just put the phone to her ear with out saying anything.  Then she said it,

T: “Wow Grandma you were not being very aware of your surroundings now were you!”

 A new round of laughing started on my end and I just walked out of the bedroom with the phone.  I turned around as I went to look at Tooters and the kid was still asleep, she managed to listen and respond without waking up at all. 

I got back on the phone and it was silent, I just could not understand it.  At this point I could not leave well enough alone, I called my mom back to see if there was something wrong with the phones or if she fell down again.  Wow you can really feel anger when you slam a phone down just the right way. 

See what did I tell you, kids really do pick up on the things that we say to them everyday.  If any of your other mommy friends ever doubt you just send them my way I now have proof.  We will just leave out the part that she did it in her sleep. 

Tooters and I watched a touching movie tonight that gave me the urge to write. We sat up and watched “Marley and Me”. If you have not seen this movie I highly suggest that you do. It is one of the feel good type of movies that makes you smile and leaves you crying at the end. Not only that but it makes me want to wrap up Tooters and the Wonder Pup in an extra big hug and love them with every part of my body.

We all have a little Marley in our lives mine just came in the form of a puggle. At the end of the movie the main guy points out how dogs loves us not for what we are or what we have but just for taking care of them, loving them and being there. I think if the whole world had a little more Marley that it would be a nicer place to live and love.

My little piece of Marley chews underwear, dolls, trash and everything in between. I am not even sure how most of it gets digested but it does. But no matter how much the Wonder Pup chews, barks, jumps on people, or misbehaves we love her just the same. She is always there when we get home for the day excited just because we walked through the door. We go to bed at night and she is so eager to get into the bed with me just to be hugged and loved.

This brings me to a funny little story that happened tonight. Tooters and I got home around 10:00. As usual I got my house key out and we walked up to the door. Earlier in the day I had opened the blinds on my side door to let the sunlight in and forgot to shut them before leaving. Well we peeked in to see what the Wonder Pup was doing and she was asleep on her princess pillow. I don’t know what made me do it, but instead of just opening the door like normal people I rattled it like I was trying to break in.

Now normal dogs would bark their heads off with their hair standing up on the neck ready to kill who ever was trying to come into their home. But not my Wonder Pup! The Marley in her came out full force. She jumped off of her pillow and ran straight into her cage that I keep in the kitchen with the door open. There among her pillow and blankets she hid from us. Tooters and I melted in a fit of giggles as I rattled the door some more. When we looked in to see what was happening I saw just one black eye and ear peeking out of the cage door looking at the noise. Quick as a flash she ran up the hallway towards the bedrooms then peared around the corner with just the one eye and ear again. Tooters and I probably looked like a couple of goons standing on my side step rattling the door and giggling until our sides hurt. Finally I opened the door and the Wonder Pup tackled us in a fit of licking like usual.

In the short time I had left my little piece of Marley she had managed to find Tooters’ Polly Pockets and chew them. I am sure I will be finding pieces of rubber clothes in her poop in the yard in the next few days. But in spite of all this we love our Wonder Pup no matter what she does. We may get mad at her less then stellar behavior sometimes but she is ours and we know that she loves us back above all else.

This just proves that she is all bark and sometimes not even that lol. I just hope that she lives a very long time so we can continue to have her in our lives. I may not have a big family or even a normal one, but I have my girls. The three of us fill my house with noises of love and happiness that I will treasure forever. I would not give it up for the world.

When I dreamed of a family as a kid I never thought that this is the type of family I would end up with. However it is mine and we are rich with love and that is more than I could ever have asked for. So with that I am headed to my bed for the night to cuddle with my daughter and Wonder Pup. I will fight for room and covers but do it willing and very happily.

 Good night everyone!!!!

I'm really good when I am asleep!!

Recently Tooters came home from school and informed me that there were two new boys at her school.  One is in 1^st and the other is in kindergarten.  Well these two boys are very taken with Tooters, especially the younger one.  They have become thick as thieves at school.  Tooters even told me that one of her friends is the girlfriend to the older one and some jealous mean girl tried to break them up.  Oh the drama is starting already. 

Anyways the other day Tooters’ and I rode our bikes to her school. This has become our daily thing when it is not SNOWING.  Do you hear me Mother Nature quit PMS’ing and give me back my spring weather. She parked her bike I talked to my friend Dolly for a while then got on my bike to ride back to work.  Everything seemed just fine with the world. 

The end of the school day rolled around and back down to the school I rode to get Tooters’ and her bike, then back to work we would go so I could finish up some paperwork.  I wanted to hurry and get it done so we could get the 3.8-mile ride home finished before dark.  I told you that Tooters’ is trying to kill me riding that much in a day!!!!

We get back to my office and she pulls out her homework but looks like she has a load on her mind.  I just let her think about it for a while, I want her to come to me to talk about stuff when she is good and ready no pressure.  Sure enough pretty soon she tells me that we need to have a talk. 

T – “Mom you know my new friend in my class?” (This is the younger of the 2 boys)

M – “Yes, I thought you were such good friends and played together everyday?”

T- “We do, but something happened today and it hurt my feelings really bad.”

 M- “Are you going to tell me what it is?  I cannot help you figure out a solution if you do not tell me what happened.”

T- “He kept calling me a name all day.  He even chased me on the playground singing it and would not stop when I asked him to.  Mom it hurt my feelings!”

At this point her whole face just crumpled and she started to cry.  I am not talking just a few tears I am talking about the huge, super hurt, heartbreaking, flowing, alligator tears.  I scooped her up into my lap, rubbing her back while I tried to calm her down. 

M- “Honey just take a deep breath and tell me what he said.  I am sure we can figure this out together.”

T- “M-m-m-mom he kept saying (hiccup) all day (hiccup/burp) Tooters is a hottie!  Tooters is a hottie! (hiccup/cough).  It-it-it made me feel b-b-bad! (hiccup/hiccup) WWWAAAHHHH!!!!”

I just looked at her and thought to myself do not laugh at this little girl it will crush her even more.  Holy little girl drama batman, what do I do?  How I did not burst out laughing I am not sure, things got a little hazy at this point lol.  Calmly I explained to her what a hottie was, and that he was not saying it to be mean.  Suddenly the clouds parted, angels sang and she was bright and shiny again.  Tooters hopped off my lap and went back to her homework like nothing happened. 

Well I could not resist, that night I called the boys mother and told her what happened.  She is from the south and pretty proper but that is part of why I like her, she was horrified.  She said boys aren’t suppose to call girls that and she would talk to her son.  The boy’s mother told him not to use that word while I was on the phone and this was his response:

“Mom calling her pretty is boring and beautiful is to old fashion.  I am being hip!”

She was speechless and I just told her I would talk to her in the morning.  If I did not hang up the phone when I did I was going to lose it.  I thank God everyday for my Tooters, but on days like this with this much entertainment I thank him a million times over!!!! 

You know it has taken me 3 months to get here but I made it, I am officially now a college student. I am scared because I am 30 something and been out of school for so long. Luckily I am going to school online this semester and taking only two classes but I am still a little intimidated, I mean I have to learn to study and take tests all over again.

I have to admit I did take 3 classes a few years ago and did not do my best. I started out with hard classes thinking “No problem I am a smart adult, I will fly thru this thing!” OMG I was wrong. Let me just make a suggestion to everyone out there interested in college. It is not impossible for anyone, even single parents like myself, but examine what is going on around you and make sure it is a good time. I tried to do it when I had a 3 year old running around, was working full time one place, part time at another place, going through a nasty divorce, adjusting to being single again, and trying to travel in between. That is a recipe for disaster. So I am trying it again and as of today I am fully admitted, I even received all of my Pell Grant money. Wooo hooo for me!!!

Tooters is now 7 years old so I think she can handle all of it better this time. I set her down the other night and I explained to her that mommy was going back to school so I would need her help so I can pass with good grades. She looked at me and asked if I flunked something that I had to make up. I gently told her how this is good for us and will help me in my job. Then I heard my words come flying out of her mouth:

“Well you know you cannot play with your friends, the computer or anything until your homework is done. That means right after work mom, that is what you said the rule is!”

OMG what a little momma she is turning into. Even the other day riding our bikes home she made sure I was on the sidewalk behind her because it made her feel safer that I was not so close to the traffic. Crap that is what I tell her all the time. The other night I was on the phone and she overheard me cussing about something so she came into the room and reminded me that the words I was using are unacceptable and I need to remember proper manners. Holy hell I thought when I was a mommy living on my own there would be no more censorship. Well she sure showed me I guess.

I thought I would brag a little bit that I am a full fledge college student. I am stoked and so starting in May if I don’t blog as much you know where I am, hiding with my nose in a text book lol.

Today for some reason is just a frustrating day and I think I will tell a little story to lighten things around here.  This story is based on actual events, however no finger pointing will be done and the identity of the main kid will remain secret.  It will not be revealed because I am afraid of retaliation and great bodily harm lol.

Once upon a time there lived a brother and sister.  They were close in age and loved each other dearly even though the mother could not tell by all the fighting done during the day.  At the end of the day brother and sister were put into the bathtub together (they were still young enough to do this) to peal off several layers of dirt, grim and who knows what else.  There was extra scrubbing involved this night because of a muddy project in the backyard and the mother wanted to make sure she had brought the right kids into the house. 

Brother and sister had heard the term digging to China and wanted to test the theory.  They found the perfect spot in the middle of the yard, in the garden and with the help of the neighbor kids started digging.  Since it was fall and most of the garden was picked the mother watched this going on thinking,

 “Oh God please let them dig till they are exhausted and go to bed early tonight!”

Well after a couple hours and a few feet later they found out that the further down they went the more mud they found.  The mother sprang off of the porch to start pulling kids out of the hole that was several feet down before they got stuck for good.  See she did not think they would get as far as they did, but she was sadly mistaken.  The kids had dug far enough down that they were getting into a water table that part of the town sits on.  After some crying and fussing all the dirt was returned to the hole, China would have to wait for another day I guess.  Neighbor kids were sent home to their parents, brother and sister were sent to the tub. 

Now this is where everything got interesting and I know the mother could feel the hairs on her head going not gray but white.  The little bit of sanity that she was holding onto for the night disappeared.  What happened was not bad but it was another one of those funny kid moments that you do not dare laugh in front of them, but you just cannot help yourself.  So here we go.

Once it was revealed that the proper kids were in fact in the bathtub the mother rinsed them off and decided to get sister out first.  Out came the little girl and the mother set about getting her dried off and started combing out the ten feet of rats nests sitting on top of her head.  The whole time the little boy is still playing with his toys in the tub.  Just when the mother was almost done there was a blood curdling scream coming from the bathroom.  The fear was evident in the mother’s face and you could see the thoughts in her head racing through.  The little girl was quickly moved aside and the mother went from the hallway outside the bathroom to standing next to the tub in a fraction of a second. 

Now with all the squealing coming from the little boy you would have thought there was blood everywhere or there were missing limbs.  Instantly the little boy realized mother was standing there and he looked up with all the alligator tears on his cheeks and started freaking out.  He kept repeating over and over again,

“I swear mommy I didn’t do it!  I swear I did not put anything in my mouth I don’t know how they got into my body!  I promise I did not do it! WWAAAAHHHH!!!”

The mother for the life of her could not figure out what was going on and finally got the boy to calm down enough he could tell her what was going on.  Now when I tell you what he said just close your eyes and try to image all of this in your head.  Are you ready?  OK here it is straight out of the boy’s mouth while he is looking straight down the whole time.

“Mommy I swear I do not know how the marbles got in my body.  I am a big boy, I don’t put things in my mouth anymore and I don’t remember swallowing my marbles.  So I don’t know how they got there!”

The mother perched on her knees next to the tub staring at the little boy still not quite comprehending what he was telling her asked him if he can feel the marbles and can he point to where they are at. 

The little boy took a deep breath, calmly looked at his mother and point to his……… “area”.  Instantly it dawned on the mother he found his “beans” and being a toddler thought that he swallowed some marbles and they got stuck there.

Without a word she calmly stood up walked out of the bathroom, yelled for the boy’s father and told him he was needed in the bathroom right away.  Honestly I don’t know what happened to the mother the rest of the night she simply walked away shaking her head, giggling, and saying,

 “What next?”

So that is my story for the day, I will leave the speculation of the boy’s identity to you.  Those of you that read my story that knows who I am in the real world and you do not quite know who it is just think really hard and you will figure it out.  As for the little boy, I am soooooo sorry and please don’t hurt me lol. 

Have a great day everyone!!!!!!!!!

I know this is my first post in a while but it has already been one hell of a year for me.  Between my heater going out for a whole week and finding out really bad stuff about my ex, I just have not been in the mood to blog.  Which is a huge mistake because I get such joy out of it.  So as a tribute to my readers, especially the awesome parents out there, you know who you are, here is one of my lists that people seem to enjoy so much.

Jeff Foxworthy has made the saying you might be a redneck if….

Well I have decided that I want my own catch phrase and since I always laugh at what he says this pays a little homage to him to, hence the title.  You know since I am a little redneck myself lol.  So here it goes my top ten things that make a parent a parent:

1. At any given time you have been in the middle of the grocery store and someone points out an unidentifiable substance on your shirt.  You being the parent first smell it and if it is not rank lick it, sending the other person away gagging into their grocery bag.  Come on it was just a little chocolate.

2. You go rushing out of the house in the morning to get the kids to school and in the mad dash to get them there on time you get pulled over.  After the cop looks at you like you have 2 heads and the kids in the backseat are letting you know that they are telling dad, you realize you forgot a couple of rollers on top of your head, the fluffy slippers with eyes and the fuzzy bathrobe hanging open.  You know there was a time in your life that would have gotten you out of the ticket not the other way around.

3. After a long day of wrestling little ones in and out of the car, fighting with a squirmy puppy, trying to make something that resembles a dinner and getting the kids into bed you try to enjoy the quiet house.  All this is shattered by the husband hollering for his clean socks, his clean towel, and his things for in the morning.  To top it all off he cannot understand why you are not “in the mood” and you do not even want to be touched.

4. It is later afternoon the baby is finally asleep and you have a moment to yourself while you fold a mountain of laundry and cuss out the skinny chick on television that had the baby 2 seconds ago and is complaining about wearing a size 5 instead of a 2.  This is when you realize you forgot today is your carpool day so out the door you race in your sweats praying you don’t smell to bad.  Then back into the house you go to get the sleeping baby.  Then back in the house again for the car keys that are now locked inside with the cell phone. 

(Let me tell you a post baby body does not slide through the bedroom window like it did fifteen years ago.  It is even worse when the dog is jumping up licking your grunting face from the bed you are trying to aim at, but instead hit the floor.  All you can do is stare at the ceiling while you are waiting for your lungs to re-inflate and think why me?)

5. You realize that the terms “pissed on” and “shit on” take on a whole new meaning.  I will not even elaborate on that one.  If you have had a baby you know what I am talking about. 

6. Your clothes are no longer your clothes.  Some how the few remaining dresses that somewhat fit and is kind of decent enough for dinner with the husband/boyfriend has become your daughters dress up clothes.  Your one pair of prized hooker heels (come on ladies admit you have a pair hidden in the closet!)  have become their princess shoes for them to wobble around the house in when you are not looking.

7. Personal products are no longer personal.  You walk into the bathroom to find your son and his friends shooting your tampons as hard as they can up into the air so they land in the bathtub full of water and expand so fast all they can do is giggle.

8.Your silverware drawer that used to have beautiful designs that matched are now mismatched and mis-sized.  This is because most of your spoons are buried in the garden and the forks have become little crucifixes for little green army men. 

9. One morning you stumble into work wearing clothes that are barely clean and not really matching, but the dark circles under your eyes actually match your dark shoes.  This is because you have been up all night with one or more kid, being puked on, coughed on, and snotted on.  Then you manage to get a couple of hours sleep after you dose them with nighttime medicine in the middle of the night.  OMG they then bounce out of bed in the morning with a miraculous recovery because there is a birthday party after school they just have to go to or die.

10. You swear on your grandmothers grave that if you hear advise or how well someone is going to raise their kids so that they do not act like your little devil spawn running circles around you and they do not have kids; well lets just say they have “by reason of insanity” for a reason. 

If you fit any of these then you just might be a parent lol!!!  Re-reading this post I wonder how any of us do it somedays, both with a partner and alone.

So welcome back me and let’s hope it gets better for the Nuthouse.  I missed everyone terribly and hope to hear from all soon. 

Three random events occurred today:

1) I went upstairs to retrieve you after your morning nap and found you stark naked. You’d yanked off your pajamas, your diaper and peed all over your blankets. You found this most hilarious.

2) At the playground, amidst blue skies and chilly air, hail crashed down from the heavens. We wound up crouched under the playground deck, listening to little frozen spheres ping off the metal above our heads.

3) You climbed up on Mama and Papa’s bed today, gathered all the newly washed socks yet to be put away, tucked them under your torso and promptly pretended to go to sleep. All the while you were smacking your mouth as if eating a tasty treat.

Random? Is there a common theme? A causal connection? If anyone sees a hidden pattern, let me know.

My mother sent me the following e-mail yesterday. Apparently I wrote her this note of negotiation regarding our chores when I was eight. I will admit that of my childhood sins, bossiness soared high at the top.

I found the note this morning when I was over helping my dad. I sat down to read a book that I had given him on Father’s Day of 2004. In between the pages there was a note from you, written to me. Why it ended up in that book is a mystery… he had never seen it or read it. It reads as follows…

1. You are the mom.

2. We do not think like you do.

3. We cannot just stop and think “what needs to be done?”

4. If we did this, our house would fall apart because Hannah would scrub the toilet every day (ok, give me lenience, logic doesn’t quite begin to develop till 8th grade).

5. We cannot because you would never say stop working, so we’d be working forever.

6. It’s not that anyone has a big problem with working, but it’s never going to end…no one wants to get started.

7. The way to solve it–we know we’re supposed to take care of ourselves and our rooms.

8.  I can make sure H & P and I do that.

9. Then give us each a few “extra chores” like dusting and vacuuming, pick up garage or whatever…

10. Be reasonable, not everything has to be done today.

11. Assign the chores that are the most important.

(It seems that I skipped 12…)

13. Someday we will have your job and you can retire, not yet though… responsibility will grow as we’re older (this is promising).

14. We will be much more motivated if we can see the light in the end of that tunnel.

      P.S. I’m not writing this angrily

DISCLAIMER:  DUE TO SOME COMMENTS MADE EARLIER I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I AM NOT SAYING KIDS DO NOT HAVE BRAINS JUST THAT THEY DO NOT ALWAYS USE THEM.  THIS IS REALLY JUST MEANT TO BE A HUMOROUS VIEW FROM A SINGLE MOM.  SO PLEASE BE KIND WITH THE COMMENTS, SOME OF THEM MADE EARLIER HAD TO BE UNAPPROVED.

Why is it that you can tell a child something everyday for years and they do not retain it, but they can tell you what happened on Hannah Montana from a month ago in perfect detail?  I have decided that Tooters has a defective brain and I keep threatening to take her to the Neurologist to have it checked out.  This just supports my theory that kids have some kind of brain malfunction that only corrects itself when they become adults, only for the girls to be cursed with Mommy Brain disorder.  Here is my theory.

Birth:  From birth until precious starts to walk and talk they stare at you like they are paying attention to everything that you are saying.  When in reality they are studying your every move and taking notes on your weaknesses.  They are making mental notes of what pushes your buttons and what makes you smile. 

1-3 years old:  This is when they really are developing mentally.  Learning to walk just to run from you with a naked butt and leaking on the carpets.  Learning to talk so that they can have a screaming melt down in the middle of the grocery store in front of everyone you know in town.  Perfecting the word “no” for later use.  Teaching themselves the art of silently getting into everything in the house that will make a mess.  Finding every tiny piece of anything and putting it in the carpet for you to step on in the middle of the night so you wake up precious with a foul string of words. 

4-5 year old:  All of a sudden the monster toddler becomes sweeter, more obedient, and loving.  This is all apart of the master plan to get you to lower your guard.  You relax thinking that you have a break for the next couple of years before back talking and fights over the chores begin.  But they are just making more observations and mental notes on how to give you gray hairs. 

6-8 years old:  Thanks to the brat at school that is to mature for her own good, and seems to know more than any kid that age should, begins to educate your precious child on the art of sassing.  Your child that used to somewhat obey you begins to apply logic and questioning.  This is where the defective brain begins to show through more.  All of a sudden things that you have been telling precious for years goes right out the window.  You lose count of how many times a day you tell them to turn off the lights and pick up their toys.  The bedroom floor?  Forget about it, that will not be seen for the next several years.  

9-12 years old:  The defective brain is now in full swing.  Precious no longer remembers anything, except of course every word to their favorite song and who farted in the lunch line.   You repeat yourself so many times a day that you begin to think it would be easier just to record yourself once and put it on a loop on the stereo.  Precious has forgotten that the bedroom should be clean, wet towels hung up and the light switches still are only touched when they are reminded.  Every room they leave looks like a tornado hit it, but they do not understand why your are standing there shaking your head in frustration trying not to explode.  I mean the room was clean an hour ago how can one precious child cause that much destruction?

13-19 years old:  There is no longer a brain left to be defective.  Everything you taught precious all these years are null and void because they know better.  You have become an antiquated parrot repeating the same things but not really being heard.  For some reason you have no right to tell precious how to do things because overnight they became smarter than you.  All you can do at this point is beg the doctor for an unlimited supply of Xanax and pray that the teen years are over before you land in the loony bin repeating the same phrase over and over again while you drool on your straight jacket.

20- adulthood:  Ahhh relief!  Precious is on their own and you have a quiet house again.  Then one day out of the clear blue sky precious calls you with screaming kids in the background begging you to forgive them.  They realize that you are not old or stupid and you just might have known what you were talking about all those years.  Precious just keeps apologizing and then says something you have been waiting to hear from them for about 20 years or so……….. They ask for your advice willingly. 

If my theory is correct I have at least 13 years of pleading, begging, reminding, and repeating to Tooters ahead of me.  Please God give me strength and Clairol please do not go out of business because my gray hairs love you.  Maybe I will stick with my idea and put Tooters up for auction on Ebay at 12 years old.

I honestly do not know what has gotten into me lately but I have decided that I am not busy enough in my life at the Nuthouse, here is why.  As of yesterday I am now a half time college student starting classes this summer.  Why I picked that time I really don’t know since that is the start of fire season.  Fire season for me is pure hell.  I work my regular job plus back up dispatch for the fire center, which means a lot of night shifts.  But I cannot pass up all of the easy overtime no matter how zombie like I am during the day.  Well at least I can study all I want at night when it is quiet. 

Since I am finally no longer sick, I have had a bad cold for 2 months now, I have decided to throw myself back into exercising.  However since I work ten-hour days I struggled with how I was going to squeeze in a work out on the days I am working.  Then it hit me, since I am an insomniac I should get up before the butt crack of dawn and put in one of my work out DVD’s.  This was just a brilliant plan until Monday morning came along and the alarm clock went off at 4:30.  What in the hell what I thinking?  Naturally I hit the snooze button a couple of times, but I had forgotten I set a back up alarm the night before.  So at 4:50 Tooters’ alarm clock in her room started going off.  Bless that child she has learned wonderful things from me and hit the snooze button on her clock too lol. 

I actually did get up 5 minutes later and stumbled into the kitchen to turn on the coffee pot so it would be ready by the time I was done.  I got dressed and Tooters followed me out to the living room to see what I was up to.  This always stresses me out a little bit because she is a back-seat instructor and the dog wants to play.  I told Tooters she could be in the room with me but she either had to exercise with me or stay quiet.  I plugged in Jillian Michael’s kickboxing and went about my business.  I hate her at the time but I do believe I have a little girl crush on her especially after The Biggest Loser. 

Pretty soon I glanced behind me to check on my kiddo and there she is relaxing on the couch with the blanket up to her chin and her hand over her mouth.  That snot is doing everything that she can not to laugh at me out loud.  I swear to you that she was the prettiest shade of purple and I just knew that she was going to explode before to long.  This was really not the best time for me to see this since I was hot and panting like the dog.  Then here came the comments:

“Mom you are not keeping up with Jillian.”

“Mom you are not kicking high enough.” 

“Mom you are supposed to move your hands like Jillian.”

“Why are you stopping the DVD is not over yet?”

“They are not stopping for water, and why are you bent over like that?”

“What is that look for I am just trying to help?”

Finally I told her to come and show me how it is done since she is proving to be the expert.  OMG I thought I was going to die laughing at how hard she was trying but just not quite getting it right.  She gets an “A” for effort in my book though.  After it was finished and we were getting ready to leave the house she informed me that we need to practice, of course I agreed and herded her out the door.

We got to my office around 6am and the poor thing was plain worn out when we got there.  She pushed two chairs together, balled up her jacket for a pillow, curled up under the blanket I keep at my desk and went back to sleep until it was time for school.  It was adorable and horrible at the same time.  I would have given my left toe to be back asleep like that.

This morning as sore as I was I decided that I would get up at the same time and work out to Billy Blanks ab boot camp.  You know I hate all of these fitness people at the time because I am hurting and realizing that I just cannot keep up so I blast my music while they are on mute.  In my mind it eases the pain.  Well I hit snooze as usual but this time Tooters pushed her cold little toes into my leg (she sneaks into my bed regularly) and told me to get up it is time to exercise.  I could not let my daughter who looks up to me think I am some kind of wimp, so I forced me and my jello legs out of bed and got dressed.

Thank goodness Tooters decided to do the whole routine with me instead of staying on the couch.  She said that this is because she can do the floor exercises easier.  We got about ten minutes into it and I was starting to get hot so I pealed off my shirt and was down to my sports bra (no safety pins today) and sweat pants.  Man am I a site to behold in this get up.  I am glad that most of the world is still asleep at this time and not driving pass my partially open windows seeing my tummy bouncing around.  Tooters suddenly looked at me and said that she just cannot exercise this way and disappeared down the hall.  This was ok because this meant that the Wonder Pup would follow her and there would be no laughing when I start huffing and puffing like the Big Bad Wolf in Tigger sweat pants. 

After a couple of minutes I could hear her running up the hallway and hollering that she was coming.  She rounded the corner and I thought I was going to die.  Tooters had changed out of her nightclothes and put on bright pink sweat pants with her bikini top that looks like my sports bra.  She even put on her tennis shoes and announced that now she could properly finish her work out.  She really uses the word properly a lot.  Holy crap on a cracker (still my favorite saying) she kicked my ass on the floor exercises!!!  This is very sad that I was out done by a 6 year old.  There will be a funeral for my ego in the near future.

This put me to so much shame that I think tonight I will “forget” to set her alarm clock and just sneak out of bed to do my stuff alone.  My luck she will jump up and join me anyways.  So please say a prayer for me that I will be able to still move in the morning and that I do not strangle the backseat instructor on the couch. 

As a mother I am accustomed to giving up things for Tooters on a daily basis.  Don’t get me wrong I am not complaining in the least, but I have recently sat down and really looked at what needs I have that are just not being met.  Which is totally my fault and I actually love the joy it brings me to give up something so that I can put a smile on Tooters face.  Even if me and my sanity suffer in the long run.

This brought me to thinking about my New Year’s resolutions.  Does anyone ever really fulfill their resolutions or just talk about them for 6 months before only to be forgotten with in weeks of the New Year?  So instead of making some ridiculous resolution list that I am going to bag in a few weeks then spend my time feeling guilty about.  I decided to make a realistic mommy list of things that I am going to do for myself throughout the year that I neglect regularly.  After reviewing my list I think all mom’s both married and single should make one. Here are the ten top things I am going to do for myself in 2009.

1.     Go bra shopping before I am down to the only one that I own that is held together by safety pins.

 Yes sadly to say I am sitting here in a bra that I am praying will make it another couple of weeks and no one thinks the funny lump under my shirt is a nipple piercing.  I already have purple and black hair and tattoo’s, I don’t need people looking at me like I am a complete freak. (Personally I hate to shop for a new bra it is a waste of precious time that I could spend on other activities.)

2.     Take an extra few minutes in the morning to actually enjoy a hot shower, and maybe even use the different settings on the showerhead.  Shut up you perverts not for that!!

I totally race through my showers and even have it down to getting in and out before a full song can play on my stereo.

3.     Let the dishes pile up in the sink for a night so that I can enjoy a hot cup of tea and read a grown up book.  Again perverts keep it in check, I am talking about my murder mystery books.

As much as I love to read Dr. Suess or Fancy Nancy to Tooters it would be nice to get back to reading the types of book I did before she was born.  At least more than one or two pages at a time, which is what I do now before Tooters demands my attention.

4.     Find time to exercise in peace without Tooters trying to imitate me and the Wonder Pup thinking it is playtime. 

Tooters loves it when I pull out my exercise DVD’s, because after giving it a 5 minute effort to keep up she just ends up laughing at me and asking why I am not doing it like the ladies on the DVD.  The Wonder Pup thinks she is helping every time I do the floor exercises by jumping on my stomach that is already sore. 

5.     Buy myself a new pair of jeans that actually fits so that I don’t look like some saggy ass stoner from behind. 

In the last year I have lost a little over 50 pounds and now none of my clothes fit properly.  They either are falling off of my body or the last 2 pairs that do some what fit are starting to fray.  I am a little afraid every time I bend down that my thighs or ass are going to come flying out.  Heck I might as well add a new shirt while I am at it.  I look like Omar the tent maker is my stylist.

6.     Buy new underwear that fit and are not full of holes. 

Again since the weight-loss I have not invested in new underwear, another waste of time for me.  However now I have the biggest granny panties you have ever seen and I need suspenders just to keep them up.  Maybe I could just hook them to my safety pins on my bra and start a new trend.  Not to mention that most have holes in them and I have to be careful where I grip them to pull them up.

7.     Grocery shop in peace.

All you mothers out there know what I am talking about so I will not elaborate on this one.

8.     Go to bed early. 

Instead of trying to pick up toys, straighten the house, or squeeze in one more load of laundry just bag it all and go to bed right after Tooter’s is asleep.  I am an insomniac but sometimes it would be nice to see what it is like to be able to be in bed for more than 5 or 6 hours in a single night even if I end up watch late night T.V.

9.     Ban Miley Cyrus from my car stereo.

Tooters and I love good loud music (is there any other kind) when we are in the car, but when I am on main street and she has her window down I tend to slump down in my seat and if I am wearing a hat pull it a little lower.  People tend to notice me before seeing my 6 year old in the back seat and I end up looking like an old freak.  You know sometimes I just need a good old fashion cuss fill grown up song to rock out to.

10. Quit smoking for good this time.

Oh hell I had to have at least one hard one in there.  I know I quit a few months ago but the holidays are so hard for me I could not take it and started up in the last month.  So I broke out the anti-strangle everyone patches and slapped one on.  I even let Tooters break my last two smokes and throw them away. 

So there you go there is my list.  I know this post was kind of long for me and I apologize but I just had to share.  I would love for some of you mommies out there to share what would be on your mommy list.  Happy New Year’s everybody I hope it is a good one!!!

Trying to look happy for a Monday!!

Out my window at work!! Brrrr

Well it looks like we are going to have a white Christmas after all here at the Nuthouse.  I have decided my household needs a name since I get tired of listing all of us lol.  It has been snowing off and on for days now, and you know I am about over it.  Luckily my dad likes to come over in the mornings and shovel my driveway for me so I can get out for work.  Bless you Wanderer!!!!!

Speaking of shoveling Tooters did something that I wanted to share, and believe me I am not really thrilled about it.  My dad called me at work yesterday and asked me to come give him a ride home since he locked his keys in the car at the store.  So naturally the good daughter that I am got up and ran out the door to rescue him.  When I pulled up to the car there stands my mom shivering, my dad looking a little frustrated, and Tooters busy shoveling snow next to the car with the mini snow shovel my dad bought for her.  She was very proud that she was clearing a path for her grandma. 

After we got the keys taken care of I returned to work to finish out the day.  Late in the afternoon it started to rain.  Now I don’t know about the rest of you but I always thought when it got to freezing the snow was suppose to come down not the rain.  Anyways it was like 25 degrees, windy and raining.  I called to ask Tooters if it was raining out her window too, it is an on going thing we do making sure if it is snowing at my work it is snowing at the house.  However the Wanderer informed me that Tooters was too busy to come to the phone.  Here I am thinking that Hannah Montana is taking priority over me and I got a little hurt.  Usually when she hears me on the phone she comes running to talk to me, but not this time.  Naturally I had to ask what she was doing and this is what the Wanderer told me:

“Your daughter is busy outside shoveling the snow in the grass so that the dogs have a path to walk on so they can go pee.”

Now I can just imagine the whole scene in my head and start to laugh.  Tooters is probably shoveling as fast as she can and there is Sugerbooger my mom’s dog bouncing around outside of the path playing in the snow.  It is funny to watch her do this because she is a very small white Pomeranian that cannot walk in the snow she has to bounce through it.  Dusty-Do is behind Tooters in the cleared path watching her, but only for a moment and high tailing it back into the house.  She is like the Wonder Pup she does not like the snow. 

Then it dawned on me that it is raining and I let the Wanderer know this, you know just incase he forgot kids need to be in the house in the rain.  He told me he knew but she has her hat on and is having fun.  You know there is just no winning some days where grandpa is concerned. 

This morning we woke up to even more snow and Tooters was ecstatic because now she had a real excuse to use her new shovel.  So this morning instead of my dad shoveling the driveways I did it with lots of “help” from my little one.  By the time I finished my driveway and his I was frozen.  I took a second to look at my handy work and I started giggling.  There are straight consistent lines where I had shoveled across the driveway and on top of it are all these wild lines where Tooters had helped.  When my dad came out to see why we had not come in the house yet and Tooters ran up to him saying, “Boy grandpa aren’t you glad you bought me this shovel now you do not have to clear the driveway any more, me and my mom can!!!” 

Holy freaking crap I think I just got volunteered for a new job the rest of the winter because the shit eating grin on my dad’s face said it all.  So everyone next time it snows please take pity on me and send lots of warm thoughts for my poor tortured toes!! 

I posted some more pictures below that are out my window at work from yesterday right before we got dumped on again.  Everyone stay safe for Christmas with all the bad weather and stay warm.

Christmas is a time of family, giving and thinking of someone other than ourselves.  Well ever since my divorce holidays are kind of rough for me.  Even though I have my beautiful daughter and my wonderful parents that live here in town, I still feel like the holidays are a little reminder that my little family was torn apart.  Not only is it that Tooters and I were left to face the world ourselves I feel bad that I am not able to give her the presents I wish I could give her.  Instead I settle for making a huge deal of Christmas and being with family.  I am also passing on a saying to her that my mother taught me as a kid, “It is better to give than to receive.”  The other one that we have been working on is, “It is not the size and expense of the gift it is the thought that counts.”

We have been working on understanding the meaning of these little pearls of wisdom for a while now and OMG I think she finally got it the other day.  What she did made me actually sit down and cry underneath our little Christmas tree. 

A couple weekends ago my boyfriend came into town and helped us put up all the lights outside plus the tree inside.  Well since then my little tree has been bare with no presents.  I only was able to buy a few things for Tooters this year and I was saving them for Santa to bring to her.  I finally could not stand it anymore and went to the store to pick up a few things that I could wrap for her.  They are nothing-expensive just little things like coloring books (she can color for hours at a time) and a blow dryer for the both of us since she is getting into that and mine is on its last legs/cord.   So I waited for her to go to bed and sat at my table wrapping presents so I could surprise her in the morning.  Let me tell you it could have been Christmas already. 

We sat down and I let her read all of the tags to me.  With each one that she read that was for her she got more excited.  I explained to her that she cannot open them until next week and she said ok.  Then that little sweetie looked up at me and said, “Mommy where are your presents?  All of these are for me.”

I explained to her that my presents were coming with Santa on Christmas morning and not to worry about it.  I also let her know that she will go shopping with my parents later on so that she will have something to give to me.  This seemed to pacify her and off to school/work we went for the day. 

The next morning my alarm clock went off and as usual I hit the snooze button, but unknown to me Tooters snuck out of bed and turned it off.  She tip toed into the hall closet and got out the only wrapping paper she could reach and went into the kitchen.  There she sat at the table while was still asleep and wrapped 6 presents for me and put them under the tree.  Later on my parents started knocking at the door to let me know my dad was shoveling the driveway for me, and that is what woke me up 15 minutes late for work. 

Tooters dragged me into the living room and showed me the fruits of her labor.  I asked her what all that was under the tree and why did she use the baby shower and birthday paper.  She said that was all she could reach.  Tooters said that she could not shop so she wrapped up some of her stuff and put it under the tree so I would not feel left out.  I told her that she did not have to do that, then she looked at me and said, “But mom remember it is the thought that counts and I was thinking of you with my heart.”

OMG I sat down next to her and cried while I hugged her.  Of course that night I talked her into unwrapping her stuff so she could have it back and that I would get her presents next week.  She agreed and what I unwrapped amazed me.  One of them was her purse that I still borrow from time to time.  The other 5 were books from her shelf.  She said that she gave them to me because I am always telling her how precious books are and how much I love to read. 

This all just blew me away because she is actually listening and learning from me.  So I am going to rub it in that I have the most special little Santa’s helper in the world wrapped up in 4 feet of sweetness.  I think this is something I will remember the rest of my life.  I hope you all have a chance to have an experience as precious as I did earlier this week. 

I am going to list five things that no mother ever wants to hear from their child.  Then after that I will let you know which one I heard the other night.  But keep in mind I have heard all of these at one time or another.

1.     If you feed a whole can of beef stew to the dog will she explode?

2.     What would happen if you tie Barbie to the ceiling fan and turn it on high?

3.     Do we have a stepladder I cannot reach the gum on the wall?

4.     How many flushes does it take to flush Ken?

5.     How permanent are my markers?

I really have heard these things from Tooters, so can you guess which one I got hit with the other night?  If you guessed number 3 then you are correct.  Yes Tooters managed to get her gum she was chewing stuck to the wall near the ceiling.

The other night I was cleaning on the house a little bit while dinner was cooking when I caught Tooters with her hand in the candy bucket from Halloween.  I told her to get out of it so she did not spoil her dinner.  Tooters said ok and went to the playroom to play while she waited to eat.  I went into the laundry room at that point and started to hang up the wet shirts and put everything else in the dryer. 

Everything was right with the universe for a moment.  Tooters was playing with the dog and I was happy with the thought I would not have to go searching for clean socks in the morning.  After about ten minutes she was still giggling like mad when all of a sudden it got very very quiet.  This always scares me because I know she is up to something.  Then the dog went running out of the room when the thumping started.  All I can do is hang my head and hope that it is not as bad as it sounds.  Before I could finish what I was doing I heard the little innocent voice from the playroom.  She sounded very calm and collected like there was nothing strange about asking for a stepladder.  Here is how it really went:

T – “Mom do we have a stepladder?”

M – “Why do you need a ladder?”

T – “Oh just cause.  I need to reach something.”

M – “OMG what can you not reach, your toys are already on the floor?”

T – “I need the stepladder to get the gum off the wall.”

M – “Holy crap on a cracker!  What the hell is the gum doing on the wall?”

T – “Moommmmm I was playing with the dog and it got stuck duh.”

M – “Why do you even have gum I said no snacks before dinner!”

T – “It’s just gum you chew it you don’t swallow it so how can it ruin my dinner.”

With that I gave up the arguing between rooms, finished what I was doing and went to assess the damage.  I walked into the room and there stuck on the wall pretty far up was a wad of chewed up gum with a bubble in it and Tooters under it jumping up and down trying to reach it before I got into the room.  It looked like an alien laid a neon pink egg sack on my wall.  I whipped around and told Tooters she better start explaining and this is what I got.

“I was practicing how to blow bubbles and the Wonder Pup wanted to play, so I started tossing it up to see if she would catch it.  She was doing good, she even caught it once.  I blew another bubble to throw some more but it got stuck.” 

Ok here I am in the playroom with Tooters looking at me and waiting for me to retrieve her toy.  All I can think of is she put the gum in her mouth after the Wonder Pup touched it with her mouth and is it going to leave a pink circle on my wall. 

These are days that that explain the gray hairs I keep finding on my head.  Someday I will post the stories that go with the list at the top but for now I will let you picture the innocent child and the wad of gum in the playroom. 

I’m always trying to limit the amount of TV Noah watches.  As long as I make it clear that after the current show is over he needs to turn the TV off, he almost always complies.  (Of course, five minutes later he wants to turn it back on.)  We’ve had a good morning of no TV, and a few minutes ago Noah turned it on.  Then he came to me and said, “After the show is over we are going to turn the TV off, okay?”  And then, just like I do, he pulled my chin toward him so I would look at him and to make sure I was listening and said again, “Okay?”  It was funny, but also a little scary, how closely he mimicked me. 

I wanted to wish an especially Happy Halloween to the Embellishers out there.  Who says that cars, vans and trucks can’t dress up on Halloween, too?

The first class Embellishers are people that:

• Close that cut off arm in the back of their car in the spirit of Halloween.
• Tape a flower to their antenna.
• Get vanity plates for their mini van that says “I CAVED!”
• Paint their old volvo station wagon in black and white cow print.
• Drive around with Marge Simpson hair.
• Put a paper pumpkin cutout over their mercedes emblem on the hood of their car.
• Have bloody handprint clings oozing down the sides of their windows.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for willing to be a little silly to make the world a happier place with a little smile.  Bravo!

P.S. She comes up with these all on her own.