Big Breasted Cougarish Switchy Plaything:

This is Mimi. She’s the one tied up on the spacious playpen-like bed, a blindfold on, clips hanging from her cherry-ripe nipples and a vibrator buzzing away in her vagina. What’s that you say? You want Mimi to dominate you? No problem. She can switch.

This is Mimi. You can’t see her right now because you’re tied up on the spacious playpen-like bed, a blindfold on, clips hanging from your oh-so-tender nipples and a vibrator buzzing under your balls. You’d like her, though. She’s got tits that would have made Rubens whip out his paints, a look of hunger most often seen on mountain lions and the talent to make you beg for whatever she wants to dish out.

Celestial Exotic Diabolical Switch Plaything:

This is Morai. You may have seen her in your dreams. She’s got breasts delivered straight from heaven, a face that belongs on an angel and a sexual talent that is so wicked she might lead you straight to…hell, let’s stop talking and get down to playing.

Macho Studly Beefcake Plaything:

This is Dick. He’s got a big one. He’s made more than a few guys think, “Well, I suppose if I was forced to be bi by an incredibly hot Dominant woman, that’s the guy I’d want to be forced with.” Dick’s got a sub side, too, though. Kinda shoots all to hell that stereotype of all submissive men being weak, pathetic, sissy boys. At least, I wouldn’t be calling Dick that to his face.

Sissy Slut Crossdressing Plaything:

This is Patrice. Patrice kinda does make you think of that stereotype of submissive men being sissy boys. But he sure does feel pretty when he slides into that silk, shimmies into that lace, steps into those sky-high heels and becomes “her.” It makes the humiliation and the pain all just part of the fun.

Whether you want to play with Mimi, Morai, Dick or Patrice or you want to be played by them, you are sure to find the scene that you crave with Dom Dominique and my Playthings.

To purchase reprint and/or other rights for this cartoon, buy a framed
print, or have it reproduced on T-shirts, mugs, aprons, etc., visit the CartoonStock website by clicking the sidebar link.

Copyright © 2009 Jim Sizemore.

thanks to bluepegasusu님for the raws!

The end of 2009, a time to be sentimental (..*), and then ambitious づºДº)つ~ Argh… it’s even more pressing when you haven’t finished watching Queen Seondeok yet…

stress has never been more pleasurable (っㅡ ㅡ)つ

Happy 2010~ 새해복 많~이 받고 모두 항복하시길~~

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your
Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade falling onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
16. A calendar’s days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
30. A smile is a frown turned upside down.

Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a
large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

Hi kids,
I’d been having thoughts about trying to get some of my jokes onto T-Shirts. I’ve now actually done something about it by setting up an online store. While I haven’t actually managed to use too many of the gags you’ve read here, it has got me thinking about other T-Shirt designs. You can check them out by clicking Teddy’s Shop

I’ll be adding more designs to it as I go along. If you like what you see then please tell your mates too. I’ve got some writing work lined up for January, but frankly, I need to be pushing myself on every front possible to make a living. Not trying to be a corporate twat – you’ll notice I’m not selling T-Shirts with my own name or face on them. I have a healthy awareness that nobody knows who the fuck I am nor cares to

Here’s an example of my ‘work’:

Teddy x

Hi Peeps,
If I don’t manage another blog before Xmas then I hope you all have a lovely Chrimbo. Before that, you can catch me headlining The Inn in Bearsden on Dec 22nd, and you can also see me at The Stand in Edinburgh on Dec 23rd. Also, if any of you are or have an in with any literary agents who specialise in pushing clients for TV writing work, then please get in touch. I have a decent whack of Scottish-based radio & TV writing credits, but that doesn’t count for a great deal when it comes to trying to get network TV writing work. Keeping this blog is part of my attempt to show people that I can write to a decent standard consistently so it wouldn’t do any harm to help that process along.

Basically…I’d love to write for Buzzcocks, Have I Got News For You, Mock The Week, QI, 8 out of 10 Cats, etc. I’m just throwing it out there in case the universe can provide

Anyway, some jokes:

I threw a few shapes on the dancefloor. I don’t recommend it. Yogurt’s very slippy.

Got a clog in my sink. Which is weird, because I don’t even know any Dutch people.

Possession is 9/10 of the law. So I told the judge his mother sucks cocks in hell.

Like many people of a certain age, when asked to select a username – I choose Zammo.

Best thing about living in Scotland? Knowing you’re completely safe from heat-seeking missiles.

As Chopin wrote the Funeral March, does that make him one of the great decomposers?

Woke up to find I’d cooked a stir fry during the night. It seems I sleepwok.

Richard Hammond bought 2 new cars for his 40th birthday. A bit like surviving an overdose and treating yourself to an anadin.

Curry’s alright. In small dosas.

I hate ghost trains. Which I suppose makes me a terrorist.

I told the personal trainer I wanted a well defined waist. He told me mine already was. If that definition was “fat”.

Just been watching a programme on the Poles melting. Well, put more accurately, a Polish horror movie.

I keep carrier pigeons. It’s alright though, I make sure they always use condoms.

I’m sure a documentary on Moccasin-making equipment has it’s place, but this isn’t the Last of the Mohicans DVD I ordered.

Just rung the Virgin Media phonesex line. They told me to turn myself on. Then off. Then on again.

When I took acid it felt like my tongue had completely dissolved. Because it had. Wrong acid.

I had a draw on a fag today. But referring the customer in that way did get me sacked from the tattoo parlour.

I was a late developer. Which cost me my job on the photo counter at Boots.

Why are Chinese whispers dangerous? Because they’re often cut with melamine. Sorry, Chinese Wispas.

Russian visa application rejected. I knew I shouldn’t have put “Georgia & Chechnya” where it said ‘Occupation’.

Modric sells Spurs players dummies in training. That’s nothing. Harry sells them 2nd hand cars, DVDplayers, designer gear…

Why do they call Globespan a budget airline when it clearly couldn’t?

Got sacked for cutting corners at work. I worked in the Muller corners factory. I was cutting them with talc.

If you pass these jokes on anywhere, please credit www.comedyteddy.wordpress.com in doing so. I publish these gags up here for free to try to showcase my skills so I don’t think that’s much to ask.

Teddy x

Funny Dance by students at SPJCM(S.P.Jain Center For Management Studies-The Dubai-Singapore Batch of ‘09)

This is something interesting I came across. These guys danced without any expressions on their faces, no dress-code, only to convey the meaning in each word of the song. Those of you who understand Hindi and follow Bollywood music will understand this better.

This is a rock-pop remake of the timeless Jingle Bells by animated popstar, Boymongoose and Indian boyband. Click on the title below to view the video.

The Jingle Bells parody.

‘12 Days of Christmas’ video clip re-worked Indian style. Performed by animated popstar, Boymongoose and Indian boyband. Click on the title below to view the video.

12 Days of Christmas

All in good humour!

How did you come to be? To be honest, I never paid much attention to you or your colleagues until recently. Of all the random parts of my body that I’ve studied and measured over the years, the eyelashes have been ignored. Like a leaf upon the breeze, one of your kind would break loose and drift down to my cheek, but I’d brush it off with no regard for why it uprooted or when another would take its place.

But then you came along. Like every other important thing, my wife noticed you first. She looked at me with deep interest, moving in close, a smile spread on her face. I thought she was coming on to me because I am a fool.

“Honey, what’s up with your eyelash?” She said, keeping her pants on.

“What do you mean?”

“You have one eyelash that is freaky long.”

 And it is true. You are a monster. An abomination. She’s trimmed you down to normal size a few times but you keep coming back, bigger and stronger with each cut.  Soon you will be a coat hook.

Eyelashes are there to protect the eyeball from injury and foreign particles. Well dude, you take your job very seriously. You’ve pumped yourself up and gotten huge. Now you stick out like a greased-up bouncer on the Jersey Shore. Did you ever see the movie, My Bodyguard? (Of course you did, you are my eyelash.)  You are like the big bodyguard guy, the oaf in the army jacket. You stand beside my wimpy helpless eyeball like a mute brute, ready to pummel anything that comes too close.

Well listen: at ease soldier. Next time we cut you back, fall in line with the others. Your work is done. I have other random hairs to mow.

To purchase reprint and/or other rights for this cartoon, buy a framed
print, or have it reproduced on T-shirts, mugs, aprons, etc., visit the CartoonStock website by clicking the sidebar link.

Copyright © 2009 Jim Sizemore.

More for you Grannymar…

PET SHOP PARROTS (I’m eagerly waiting for Ashok to read this one! )

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”

“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer. The owner says “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?” To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”

SPEEDING DRUNK

A drunk is driving with his parrot through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”

“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the parrot and the drunk smiles.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”

“He did all right,” the parrot says and the drunk smiles.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the parrot. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

MAGICIAN AND THE PARROT

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship’s cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

“IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE!”or

“IT’S IN HIS POCKET, IT’S IN HIS POCKET!”or

“IT’S IN HIS MOUTH, IT’S IN HIS MOUTH!”

The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, “OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?”

MEAN PARROT

Mrs. Davidson’s dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish-washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my bulldog; he won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to the parrot!”

When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson’s apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lays there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

AND THE LAST ONE FOR NOW…

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry,” said the Auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

Barbara Boxer has about the level of common sense of grated swiss cheese.  We know that she knows abortion is too hot a topic to rant about, but she opened one of her swiss holes and campared not covering abortions to not covering Viagra.  It seems to me that’s a fair price to pay for saving a life or two.  Either way the woman doesn’t get screwed.

The Tiger Wood’s thing is stupid.  We don’t care what he did, as long as he was not in the Oval Office when he did it.  Now, though, Tiger is in the same class as Scott Peterson and that dumb chick who claimed she was kidnapped by a racially diverse group of 2 men who snatched her and drove her to the mall.  And people say captors don’t know their captives.  Tiger’s wife is getting what she wants out of this.  Her portion of the prenup went up so much she’s in a higher tax bracket than the President–which the President will gladly take her money, since he doesn’t know how to make any of his own.

Speaking of disreputable sleazemongers, the ‘O’ has started her fairwell tour on national television.  Many experts believe this will rival the duration of the Cher farewell tour, and quite possible not end until the sun goes out. For a woman who knows so very little about, well, everything, she can certainly please the 20-something women by putting an iPod between their legs.

Glenn Beck has been doing a great job of pointing out the different levels of corruption surrounding the President.  He’s gone old-school with the chalkboards and is really laying it out there.  It is, I suppose, like watching Mother Teresa give a lecture on sexually transmitted disease.  Either way, Glenn, Rush, Sean (to some extent, he still has his love affair with the military in a very unhealthy manner), and others are pointing out with diligence the direction this country is headed.  Carry on!

And finally (for today, at least), we should start a drive to bring MAD Magazine back to 12 issues a year.  There is no stronger piece of literary worth in modern history than this illustrious periodical.  Join me as we campaign for 12 issues a year.  We will gladly pay a higher price for these (don’t get too greedy, though) and we can behold the return of the greatest magazine–ever!

Hello,
Firstly, I’m still begging for more hits & comments on all my articles in STV’s Write Factor competition. I’m in the final ten contenders, and we’ve spent the past 4 weeks contributing articles. We’ve been told that the winner will be decided by a combination of hits & comments generated, and by consistency of quality. I’d really appreciate it if you could have a look at my articles and leave a comment on them. You have to set up an STV account to post a comment but it doesn’t take long to do. The competition closes on Sunday 6th of December, so I really need you to do it before then, please.

The prize is a 6month contract to write online articles for STV. Basically, that would give me a regular income for 6 months, which is the holy grail for a freelancer.

You can find all my articles by clicking the link below, then scrolling down to find me (Teddy Craig):

THE WRITE FACTOR

Episode 4 of my gag podcast has also just gone online. It’s just a quickie podcast of about a couple of minutes so it’s not too daunting a listen. You can find it by clicking here:

PODCAST EPISODE 4

And now gags:

Prisons these days are all mod cons. Which must be awkward if any rockers get sent to them.

If attack really is the best form of defence, why did going apeshit with an uzi at my trial lead to an increased sentence?

Thick people – is it just that their train of thought is being operated by Virgin Rail?

Playing truth or dare…is the mark of someone’s who’s been a high court judge for far too long.

I did a solo on my guitar. Took me ages to wipe the spunk off the strings.

I used to go out with a timid petrol station assistant, but it was difficult to get her to come out of her Shell.

I managed to trace my parents. Now all I have to do is colour the picture in.

My printer’s broken. His wife left him.

I’ve heard a lot of people make snooty comments about Blue Nun, but I have to say I think she’s Dundee’s top stripper.

What’s that phrase? Sometimes you can’t see the Woods for the… group of women knelt in front of him sucking his cock.

If you pass these jokes on anywhere, please credit www.comedyteddy.wordpress.com in doing so. I publish these gags up here for free to try to showcase my skills so I don’t think that’s much to ask.

You can see me:

Saturday 5th of December: Sidesplitters Comedy Club @ The Harbour Arts Centre, Irvine.

Monday 7th of December: The Stand Comedy Club, Edinburgh

Thanks,

Teddy x

(Above: Tiger, with unknown admirer) Close inspections of archive photography reveal that Tiger Woods acted inappropriately at USGA sponsored tournaments.

Groom Interrupts His Own Wedding:

Pulls Out Cell Phone at Crucial Part
Of the Ceremony

That headline caught my attention. It sent me clicking right into You Tube where I was able to watch a young man delay “kissing his  bride” after their vows had been consecrated so that he could post his new “married” status on Facebook.  Call me a Killjoy, but I need to ask –”Is ANYTHING sacred anymore?” Sure a fraternity prank can be amusing, some silly stunt at a party might be deemed humorous, but do we really need comedy in the middle of a wedding ceremony?

Recently the headlines have been filled with reports of the couple who “crashed” a White House State Dinner. Turns out this couple was seeking notoriety as reality stars. It’s an astonishing story and it rattled the security community at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Seems like folks will do just about ANYTHING to capture public attention–even if that means making  asses out of themselves. Weeks before that, a young family dominated the headlines with their “balloon boy” prank. In both cases, the attention getters got plenty of attention–FROM THE AUTHORITIES!

Something just isn’t connecting for me. Why are people so terribly desperate for attention?  Is a wedding ceremony just so darn dull that it requires a little slapstick to keep those in the pews engaged? When did this lusting for attention become so common? Is it a consequence of Reality TV? Have we all watched so  many episodes of Bridezilla or The Bachelorette  that, now, the most tasteless comportment is mainstream?

There’s a quaint word I would love for us all to revisit: Dignity. It means behavior or speech that indicates self respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity of an occasion or situation. I’m not advocating stodginess, I like a good laugh or an unexpected delight as much as the next gal. Nevertheless, we are losing our regard for propriety and good taste.  Go ahead and call me an old party pooper,  but,that makes me sad.

 Seasons Greetings! Here are a few cards to tape to the mantle.

If you like my blog, then please can you help me out by checking out my STV writing contest articles here: The Write Factor and commenting on them please? It counts towards deciding the winner. The contest closes on Sunday Dec 6th so I need as many hits and comments as possible on all my articles before then please.

I would like Len Goodman to release a book on classical era dancing, called The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire.

Been feeling blue recently. Still, now they’re not famous anymore – they’re glad of it.

Diplomat refers to Bush & Blair war deal as “signed in blood”. Quite unrealistic. I mean, Bush being able to sign his name?

Sir Paul McCartney has said he’s a fan of X-Factor. Perhaps because it gives desperate fame-junkies an alternative to getting him to marry them?

Given all Jordan’s relationships are based on column inches, how long before she’s in Trafalgar Square, straddling Nelson’s?

Internet cafe owner threw me out and called me a thief. Honestly. I was just browsing.

Borders have gone into administration. The administrator expects it to take some time to go through the company’s books…

Drogba charged over driving offences. Not often that ‘r’ makes it’s way into his driving offences…

When I started in photography, I did lot of headshots. Gunning down my competition really helped.

I wish I had a Guardian Angel. The Angel on my shoulder tells me immigrants won’t go to heaven. It’s a Daily Mail Angel.

Got petrol for my motorbike but when I went in to pay the staff told me to remove my helmet. My cock bled everywhere.

I used to watch Fifteen to One every day, and every day switch it off, disappointed it wasn’t the Bukkake I hoped for.

Wouldn’t it be good if Arctic troop camouflage – given it creates a whiteout – was called Bu-Khaki?

Girlfriend reacted quite badly to my attempts to insert a baguette into her. Turns out she hadn’t said “roll play”…

Kinky blacksmiths. They have their vices.

Why don’t Borders burn down the shops for the insurance? I thought that’s what companies did to save money? Cook the books.

Girlfriend said she wanted my focus to be on her. So I ran her over in it.

There’d be no need for Witness Protection if they stopped trying to sell us the watchtower at 10am on Sunday mornings.

Used to go to a clinic for people suffering muscle spasms, but I didn’t like it. There was a lot of tension in the room.

Does anybody ever go up to the meat counter in Asda and say “So how many then?”

Girlfriend told me to get wood for the fire. Burnt my cock.

In a dispute with Sky. They want me to pay for my dish. I’m adamant the salesman told me it would be on the house.

If you pass these jokes on anywhere, please credit www.comedyteddy.wordpress.com in doing so. I publish these gags up here for free to try to showcase my skills so I don’t think that’s much to ask.

Thanks,
Teddy x

We got this gift caricature order with a rather unusual request but nevertheless interesting and fun to draw.

Dear Kamal

We got your address from the internet and hope you can assist us.

A friend of ours was recently ‘knighted’ in Spain, an award for services to the medical industry. We would like to give him a small picture (sketch) gift which basically shows him being ‘knighted’ by a ‘King’ with sword and with him kneeling in front of the king.

The picture to be a sketch (no significant detail) other than obviously reflecting the king in any period attire, a man kneeling in front but importantly the sketch of the man’s face must be of a very good likeness to our friend – Robert Gaines-Cooper.

For your assistance please see the attached sheet where I have pasted a picture of our friend (Robert) and also three ‘examples’ of someone being knighted.

The sketch would be either on a A5 or A4 hard card (white) with the sketch in black. At the bottom under the sketch it would say ““Levántese Señor Gaines-Cooper”

As indicated no real details as long as it resembles a ‘scene’ of a knighting and the Kings face can be obscured but the face of Robert to be clearly him.

Hopefully what I have supplied you assists but please revert with questions, suggestions and a price!

We would need the drawing by Monday of next week if agreed.

Many thanks

Adrian

Hi Kamal

Just a note of thanks for doing a great job. The picture was presented to our friend who was delighted.

We will definitely use your service and skills again.

Thank you.

Adrian

To purchase reprint and/or other rights for this cartoon, buy a framed
print, or have it reproduced on T-shirts, mugs, aprons, etc., visit the CartoonStock website by clicking the sidebar link.

Copyright © 2009 Jim Sizemore.

This is a party for some heavy weight Indian investors at The Fullerton. I was caught by surprise when the event managers got me into this costume they prepared to fit the theme. Luckily the costume fit me but it was rather uncomfortable and it restricts movement. They then wanted me to sit on the floor in a tent in the ballroom which would have been uncomfortable in that costume and furthermore it was dark. That is not workable so they agreed to allow me to walk-about and I drew the guests in the dimly lit ballroom. Not my best performance I have to admit.

If you’re engaging caricaturist for a theme party, please consider that artists need light to work and if there are costumes involved, make sure it does not restrict their movements. Whatever it is, we are all ears if you tell us what is the situation before hand.