Hello All! Hope this post finds you having a good day/night!
Today my boys have already had an active morning!
usually up at about 7am daily, they are raring to go, and start the day with breakfast. Their favorite right now seems to be yogurt with cereal- Jack has cereal separate from the yogurt, and George decided no cereal today.

At home, the boys mostly play together independently- which is a blessing and a change from the days of when they were learning how to crawl, walk, and constantly finding ways to get into everything!

Jack and George still get into “curious mischief” sometimes- Things have gotten broken, but mostly now their quest is focused on finding things to incorporate into their imaginative play.
Tipping over a chair and using it as a cave, or pretending they are kitties taking care of each other.

A note to new mommies of twins, don’t fear ages 2 and 3- Here are a few books you can add to your parenting arsenal!

Two books that saved my husband Nathan and I through recent challenging times are;
On Becoming Babywise and On becoming Childwise, parenting ages 3-7,  by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam.

(These are available online at Amazon.com  Sometimes there are more economical used copies available for purchase- I’ve had good luck with used books that I’ve ordered.)

Babywise helped us integrate an easy routine that focuses on each child’s needs, and enjoying  the experience of being new parents!

Childwise has been a Godsend lately! Navigating boundaries and how to approach different challenging behaviors- acting out, picking on each other, etc.

My favorite technique that we’ve incorperated to cure the case of the wiggles is by telling the boys to sit down and fold their hands and focus on their hands. This method is great while sitting in church, and as the 1st step before administering a timeout.

Jack and George have really adapted well to these new boundaries and given both my husband and I a HUGE sense of empowerment as parents.

Sometimes its wacky being a parent of twins, but one of the most rewarding experiences too- tune in next time for more adventures and tid bits tomorrow~

Jess

Before our baby was born we read the highly recommended and popular book, On Becoming Babywise by Gary Ezzo, along with several other popular sleep training books, and of course loved it! The idea that ‘the new baby needs to learn to conform to the greater family unit he is now part of and that the parent is in control not the baby’ appealed to our very American sensitivities and nervous new parent fears.

That is until we tried Gary Ezzo’s strategies over and over for several months with disastrous results. This includes a six-week period of no weight gain / dropping weight percentiles by our infant daughter and a drop in my breast milk levels forcing me to supplement with formula, not to mention an unsoothably crying baby who could not be comforted by her mommy, but rather only by a mechanical swing.

We have since learned that babies who cry a lot, or are “colicky,” are so for one or more of these reasons: 1) the pregnancy was traumatic/stressful 2) the birth process was stressful 3) the home environment is stressful 4) the baby has weak digestion / poor intestinal flora which passes from the mother’s poor diet or formula 5) the mother has post partum depression.

I believe our baby met at least four of the five criteria.

At four months the sleep training books, pediatricians, and many well meaning family and friends all insisted our baby should most definitely be sleeping through the night by now, and overwhelmed us with meaningful, but bad, breastfeeding advice: “You should ‘top off” (with formula) said the pediatrician “to ensure your baby gets enough.” “I have some numbers of night nannies for you to help with night time feedings,” said our London OBGYN. “Breastfeeding is ruining your marriage,” said another meaningful advisor. “The baby needs to learn to be independent and sleep in her own room,” “She needs to cry it out,” “You don’t want to spoil her…” “You must not have enough breast milk….” “It doesn’t matter what you eat, the baby will all the nutrition she needs….” “You need Zoloft,” as said by my American GYN.

After a relieving discovery of Dr. Sears and his brilliant books such as The Baby Sleep Book, The Breastfeeding Book, and The Discipline Book, we concluded that sleep training must work great and is a breeze for those women who are not committed to breastfeeding but who instead formula feed, since formula fed babies typically sleep for much longer stretches.

We also learned that breastfeeding mothers with very little stress produce more seretonin in their breastmilk which in turn allows the baby to create more melatonin to help him sleep better. In other words, the more stressed a nursing mother is, the less likely her baby will be a good sleeper!

On a side note: Unfortunately, we did not recognize the postpartum depression until nearly a year later as I initially assumed that this was how all new mothers felt after having a baby and then later assumed that “it just must be from the stress of a new marriage and moving to a new country,” and then later commonly assumed, “I just must not be able to handle stress as well as others.” For more on recognizing post-partum depression see references below.

It took our baby over four months before she even reached 13 pounds, as she was quite small. She naturally preferred to nurse a little bit and often which is very normal and good for tiny babies! I’ve since read in other sleep training books that a baby under 14 pounds should always be fed on demand. Allowing a new baby to cry it out is physcially dangerous. Nowhere is a specific weight number mentioned in the Babywise book.

I look back in such deep regret and anger for not following my natural God-given instincts to snuggle and sleep close to my new baby! What heartache! If I had done so, not only would I have been incredibly more rested and would have recovered from childbirth much faster, I probably would not have suffered from such severe postpartum depression, but even more so, my baby would have been a much, much happier tiny baby and I’m sure would have been an incredibly more secure sleeper for her first year of life.

On the other hand, I am so glad I trusted my instincts, in spite of the lack of encouragement, to continue nursing my baby until she seemed old enough to be properly weaned. Somehow I just felt deep inside that if I gave up on nursing or quit too early, I would just naturally feel more distanced from my baby — more aloof. Because of all the stress factors going on around us, nursing was very hard, but it was also the only thing that kept me cued in to my baby. I imagine that if the stress levels were lower, I could have weaned her at a much earlier age or could have been more connected to her in other ways. There is a happy ending. Today our baby is nearly two and half years old and is a very, very content toddler who sings a lot and never gets sick. We really have no real struggles with the terrible twos — in fact, so far, it has felt like “the terrific twos.”

A final word of advice: Sleep with your baby very close, respond quickly to her cries and nurse her on demand, and definately, definately learn to nurse laying down!

“There is no such thing as spoiling a baby!” The comforting advice of many respected mothers

“The closer a baby sleeps to his mother, the more regular his breathing patterns; the farther away the baby sleeps from his mother, the more irregular his breathing patterns and greater chances for SIDS.” Dr Sears and The Baby Sleep Book

Japan has the lowest rate of SIDS in the world. Japanese babies routinely share their parent’s beds (McKenna 1998)

“We don’t have babies that cry all the time, and we don’t need pacifiers to calm them down and help them sleep.” A Mother from Kenya

“If you listen to your child when they are young, they will listen to you when they are older…” Dr. Sears, The Discipline Book

For Further Information:

Laughing Moms Produce Better Milk
Gary Ezzo’s Lack of Expertise
Babywise, Child Development Concerns and American Academy of Pediatrics

Cultural Influences of Co-Sleeping: What Nature Intended
Sleeping With Baby Is Safer
Co-sleeping and SIDS
Dr Sears and The 7 Baby B’s

Breastfeeding Attachment Parenting.org
Nursing is More Than Breastfeeding
Nursing to Sleep
Comfort Nursing
Comfort vs Nutrition

The Baby Sleep Book
The Breastfeeding Book
The Discipline Book

One Family’s Story Following Their Instincts
Other Voices of Experience With Babywise

Recognizing Post-Partum Depression
Post-Partum Depression and Anemia
Diet For Pregnant and Nursing Mothers

Lessons From Around The World: Healthy African Babies Rarely Cry

I’ve been thinking a lot on the topic of raising children lately.

Over the weekend, I pulled a parenting book off my shelf that I don’t look at often.  I bought it when I was pregnant with my first child, and after a quick perusal (and due to the fact that I picked it up at a Christian bookstore), I thought it would be useful.  Of course, that showed how absolutely ignorant I was heading into my parenting experience!  The book is called Child Training Tips by Pastor Reb Bradley, and while the author quotes plenty of Scripture (especially Proverbs – I always get nervous when a Christian quotes a lot of Proverbs to make a point), I wasn’t comfortable with the advice the author authoritatively dispensed in the book.  I wasn’t comfortable with the emphasis on corporal punishment — it’s not that I’m anti-spanking (because I’m not), but I don’t believe that the Bible commands parents to spank their children, nor do I believe that spanking is usually the best discipline choice.  I wasn’t comfortable with the idea that kids should be held to behavior standards where only perfection is good enough; if I can’t hold myself to those standards (and I cannot!  “The good that I want to do, that I don’t do, and the evil I don’t want to do, that I keep on doing.” Romans 7:19), how can I ever expect to hold my child to those standards?  And how then would I ever teach repentance and forgiveness, two major aspect of the Christian life?  Finally, I’m definitely not comfortable with anyone who claims they have the “most biblical way to raise well-adjusted children” (a quote from the back cover of the book).

It has been almost six years since I originally bought the book, and I like it much less now than when I first purchased it.  But, like On Becoming Babywise (written by Gary Ezzo, another author who wrote a plan for “Growing Kids God’s Way” outlined in a series of the same name), I feel it’s important to read from all sides of the parenting spectrum, not only to know what other parents are doing, but to help me better define for myself the kind of parent I would like to be.  Children are not ours to turn into perfect little robots; they are always going to be sinful beings, and they are always going to be making mistakes, just as we are always going to be making mistakes as we parent them.  But our children are precious gifts, unique gifts that we are to shape and guide and always, always point to Christ.  Now, six years later, two children later, and after having been the teacher for LOTS of Music Together classes, I absolutely believe that what works for one child does not necessarily work for another.  There is no “one perfect way” to raise a child, even a Christian child.  I firmly believe that the most important thing a parent can do for their child (other than to raise them with a strong faith in Jesus as their Savior from sin, of course) is to know that child better than anyone else and be that child’s “soft place to fall” as well as their biggest fan.

My first child and I have that kind of close, intimate relationship very well established.  However, as she navigates being a five year-old, new challenges have been presented to her, and her emotional responses have sometimes puzzled, even angered me.  She had a particularly surprising meltdown about two months ago, and in retrospect, I’m surprised at the intensity of my anger towards her.  I don’t normally get very angry at her, even when she does equally childish things.  I thought about it for a long time, and I came to the realization that I was actually more angry at myself than I was at her.  I was angry at my perceived failing as a parent, and my outburst of anger only made the situation worse and bigger than it needed to be.  What I should have done was simply allowed my daughter her emotions, also allowing her the logical consequences that would have followed them.  What she did was not wrong; it was merely childish.  I don’t need to be angry about my daughter acting like a child.  She IS a child.  She is definitely making strides towards adulthood, but she is also most definitely still a child.  And, there’s nothing wrong with that; she’s not even 5 1/2 yet!  Therefore, she thinks like a child, she acts like a child, she reacts like a child — and none of this should be surprising to me.  These are all learning experiences, teachable moments, and, it is okay for things to sometimes be about “process, not product.”

So, as part of my quest to discover good books for my book club to read, I picked up the book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort.  From the first, I knew that this author and I had some major philosophical/religious differences.  She essentially believes in the “tabula rasa” theory — that children are born as innocent blank slates, and if they are provided with the right environment and the right influences, they will naturally make right choices.  I disagree with that theory.  I hold to the traditional Christian view that we are all born with a sinful nature, that we are “sinful from the time our mothers conceived us,” (Psalm 51:5) proved by the fact that all of us, even including young children, can die, for “the wages of sin is death.” (Romans 6:23)

I continued to read on in the book, however, because as I said earlier, I feel it’s important to read from all sides of the parenting spectrum, not only to know what other parents are doing, but to help me better define for myself the kind of parent I would like to be.  Much to my surprise and delight, I discovered that the author holds to a similar view of young children’s emotions that I do.  We must allow children to be children, not expect them to act as adults, and most importantly, help them learn to work through their childish emotions, not by telling them how they should feel, but by listening and then validating how they already feel.  Then, as a loving parent, we can gently encourage and guide them into a proper direction, offering them the support they need to be successful while still recognizing that they are children.  As they grow older and more mature, we can expect more and more adult-like behaviors from them, but we need to always support their emotional development even into adulthood.  This is SO important – how many of us have carried into adulthood our feelings that when we were younger (perhaps it even continues now as adults?) our parents didn’t understand what we were trying to tell them and never really listened to us when we were young!  The author believes, and I absolutely agree, that the foundation for parents and children to truly understand each other starts young.  Yes, I’m still the parent, and I have to do what’s best for my child, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t give my child a little validation and commiseration when s/he is having “growing pains” along the road to adulthood!

The other important parenting tool that this book advocates is respect for the child.  Respect for the child was completely lacking in the “Child Training Tips” book.  I don’t mean respect the child in the same way as you would respect another adult.  However, I do think it is important to respect that their feelings and desires are very important to them, even if they’re not important to me.  I can respect and acknowledge that my child is scared and frightened by the fact that she’s having a substitute teacher, and I should not tell her to just “get over it” and to ignore her feelings.  However, I can and should listen to my child and help her find her own way to make peace with the situation she finds herself in, which is a very important life lesson to learn!

I wrote about this issue last summer when I noticed a 2 year old girl at my daughter’s swim class being forced to take a shower by her mother and grandmother.  Even though her terror of the shower was obvious, the grown-ups in her life gave her feelings no regard.  They didn’t even say something as simple as, “I know that this is frightening to you, but I really need you to do this.”  They said nothing to her, ignored her emotional state completely, and offered her no comfort for her fear.  I was aghast at this, and I mentally vowed that I would never do that to my children unless (God forbid!) their life depended on it.

Recently, one of my best friends and I discussed this issue of “respect for the child.”  She mentioned that much of our lives as mothers revolve around the things we need to get done.  But how often do we really get down to our child’s level and spend time with them doing just what THEY want to do?  She shared with me a vignette from her life: She was making supper, and her son came into the kitchen, asking for a bandaid for his toy.  Did the child “need” a bandaid for his toy?  From an adult’s perspective, of course not.  But from the child’s perspective, he really DID need that bandaid.  Although my friend’s initial reaction was to tell her child, “No, can’t you see I’m busy?” she instead chose to stop, respect the fact that her son’s needs were very real and very important to him, and she took a few seconds to get and apply a bandaid to her child’s toy, thereby making her child feel understood, validated, loved, and happy.  There are so many child-training advocates out there that would have labeled that boy’s behavior as disobedient; after all, the child was told to play with his toys while his mother made supper.  Plus, those same child-training advocates would have accused the mother of being inconsistent.  Yet, all the child was really doing  – was being a child who needed his mother’s help to continue in his play in the way he childishly wanted.  And there’s nothing wrong with being a child when you ARE a child!

Parenting certainly isn’t black and white.  It’s hard to be consistent all the time, both as a mother and as an individual.  But I personally strive for consistency in my loving actions (and reactions) to my child, in my consistency for respecting her emotions, and as much consistency as I can manage in daily schedules and healthy foods.  Most importantly, I strive for consistency in pointing my child towards Jesus as her savior from not only her daily sins but also her sinful condition.  No matter how obedient my child is, she will never get rid of her sinful nature this side of heaven, and nor will I.  If I can model daily repentance and forgiveness as well as unconditional love, I think I’m doing a pretty good job at being a Christian mother, no matter what the parenting books may say!

learning is optional? Is that the way it goes?

I had a wise teacher tell me once that you know you’ve reached ‘wisdom’ when you know you don’t know anything. So if the goal is to realise how much you don’t know, how is it that we strive to learn? It’s funny.

So it seems that the general advice of parenting is straight out of the 1950s apparently. “let your kid cry or she/he’ll never learn” “give them formula, they’re hungry” “have a glass of wine, it’ll help them sleep” (or the best yet from lunatic Michael Pearl “hit them with a rod because the Bible says to discipline your children” WTF!!!) … learning is something that needs to happen obviously. As a society we grow, we develop, research is done, new theories come to light – and we know more, we know better, so we do better. But some take longer to catch up than others.

What we do know is that babies need love. Kids need encouragement. We all need to know that we are valued beyond measure. We cannot thrive in a culture of criticism, withheld affection and sadness. We cannot give of ourselves if we are bound in insecurity and doubt.

We need love.

Mr crazy man Ezzo has books called “baby wise” which is another Crackpot Christian version of how to train your children – because the Bible says so. Or something. Whatever. But his advice has led to babies being marked as “failure to thrive” because breastfeeding is compromised on a strict regime like that. His theories have lead to starvation of babies and breast milk drying up.

Learning, I think, cannot be optional, it is a must. We must learn from our mistakes – the hardest thing is watching people carry on with mistake after mistake, unwilling or unable to see it or own it or change it (and here’s hoping that I’m not that person!).
I don’t know how societies change. I used to think I could change the world really but I suspect the world is too big for me. I like how Jamie Oliver is trying to change the UKs shocking eating habits . I admire him but he is facing huge adversity and resistance because that’s what we do – we resist change.

I watched SBS news and they were interviewing Americans about the election and person #1 said “I don’t like Obama. He’s a Muslim! And a terrorist!”

Person #2 said “Obama swore on the Koran. That means he’s not American”

Person #3 said “I think he’s trying to get rid of guns from Americans so that we’re defenseless and someone else can take over”.

OMG. The ignorance, the racism, the fear. When when when will change be inevitable and learning be compulsory? HOW in this day and age, can parents not show unconditional love to children, families live on pies and chips, and a country as “advanced” as America not have the sense to know their Presidential Candidate is a Christian for a start. Why is it such an issue for his skin colour to be different to them?

*heads off to bed shaking her head now*

Thanks for reading the sermon

Babywise is the popular name for the book On Becoming Babywise, which is a parenting regime authored by Gary Ezzo that teaches parents to “guide their baby’s day rather than be guided or enslaved to the infant’s unknown needs.” The book was self-published in 1993, as the secular counterpart to Ezzo’s religious materials for infants, Preparation for Parenting. Babywise was picked up by Multnomah Publishing in the mid-1990s, but then dropped in 2001, after publishers investigated medical issues related to the book and character concerns about Ezzo. Babywise is the first parenting guide that the American Academy of Pediatrics has publicly recommended against.

So yes, there is a lot to be concerned about. Let’s start with the author. Gary Ezzo has no medical background. He has no professional training in child development, medicine, or breastfeeding support. Ezzo, Growing Families International (of whom he is the executive director) and his publisher have attributed to him three different academic degrees that he does not have. Ezzo even stated in writing that he had an associate’s degree in business from Mohawk Community College in Utica, New York, even specifying a major and a grade-point average. He never graduated from that school, officials say (source).

Questions about Ezzo’s qualifications are relevant for two reasons. First, his lack of integrity should be a huge concern for the Christian community. 1 Timothy 4:16 says, “Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.” Proverbs 10:9 says, “He who walks in integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will be found out.” David said in 1 Chronicles 29:17, “I know, my God, that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity.” And Proverbs 11:3 says, “The integrity of the upright will guide them, but the falseness of the treacherous will destroy them.” As Christians, we must be committed to integrity!

Second, Ezzo’s infant feeding advice is inconsistent with standard medical recommendations. Both Babywise and Preparation for Parenting tell parents that not following his principles is a potential health concern and that the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) supports Ezzo’s recommended number of feeding times. On the contrary, the AAP does not support scheduled feedings and has issued an AAP Media Alert about the poor weight gain and dehydration that may result. The AAP stated that Ezzo’s program “outlines an infant feeding schedule inconsistent with AAP recommendations.”

What about the co-author Dr. Bucknam, you might ask. Well, Babywise is the secularized version of Ezzo’s Christian Preparation for Parenting material (now retitled Along the Infant Way). This was in its third edition before the first edition of Babywise was published and the medical content is the same. So, it seems as though Dr. Bucknam was simply added to give credibility to the program.

In addition to a lack of credentials, John MacArthur’s Grace Community Church, where the programs got their start, affirms in a public statement that the Ezzos’ teachings demonstrate “a lack of clarity on certain fundamental doctrinal issues,” “confusion between biblical standards and matters of personal preference,” and “insufficient attention to the child’s need for regeneration,” as well as a “tendency to isolationism.” Numerous Christian groups have expressed concern over Babywise and the Ezzos in particular because they consistently exhibited a pattern of cultic behavior, including Scripture twisting, authoritarianism, isolationism, and physical and emotional endangerment (source).

Aside from a lack of credentials and integrity, Ezzo’s materials are dangerous for babies. The following is from an AAP News article in 1998:

“Expectant parents often fear the changes a new baby will bring, especially sleepless nights. What new parent wouldn’t want a how-to book that promises their baby will be sleeping through the night by three to eight weeks? One such book, On Becoming Babywise, has raised concern among pediatricians because it outlines an infant feeding program that has been associated with failure to thrive (FTT), poor milk supply failure, and involuntary early weaning. A Forsyth Medical Hospital Review Committee, in Winston-Salem N.C., has listed 11 areas in which the program is inadequately supported by conventional medical practice. The Child Abuse Prevention Council of Orange County, Calif., stated its concern after physicians called them with reports of dehydration, slow growth and development, and FTT associated with the program. And on Feb. 8, AAP District IV passed a resolution asking the Academy to investigate “Babywise,” determine the extent of its effects on infant health and alert its members, other organizations and parents of its findings.”

There are so many resources out there on Babywise and the Ezzos. A few are included as links within the text and here are a few more:

Christianity Today article

Christian Research Institute article

Evaluating Ezzo Programs – extremely helpful site with tons of info including theological concerns of Babywise, statements by organizations such as AAP and Focus on the Family, as well as alternatives to Babywise; great resource!

Blog of former Ezzo Contact Mom

New Challenges Facing Gary Ezzo…

In conclusion, I found the summarizing thoughts made by the Christian Research Institute perfectly stated, “parents and church leaders…need to be aware of the risks associated with a teaching environment where Scripture is used out of context, questioning is actively discouraged, rules and schedules become part of one’s ‘testimony,’ even other Christians are considered ‘humanistic,’ division results, and the leaders do not seem to be receptive to constructive criticism.” Beware parents!